Barefoot And Bruised
by The Last Letter
Summary: AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.
1. Prologue

**For Moony – for everything; for the gift of a song.**

 _"_ _Connor. Connor! Come here!"_

 _That voice. He loved that voice. Though the world around him was dark and endless, Connor took off running. He was always going to be drawn to that voice._

 _"_ _Connor!"_

 _Out of nowhere, something hit his face hard enough to knock him off balance. He tried to recover himself, but he couldn't. He was always left with disorientation._

 _"_ _Connor."_

 _He tried to say something, but he found himself unable to speak. He was choking. He was drowning. He fought for every breath. But he kept losing the fight. He couldn't win. Tears stung at his eyes. His fingers scrabbled at his throat, but there was nothing there._

 _He let out a squeak and then the voice was back, cooing his name in deep tones. Connor began to breathe again. He felt protected. He started walking forward again. He needed to reach the voice. He called out, but he made no sound. He shouted desperately. He felt himself begin to go hoarse, but, still, he could not be heard._

 _He began to shake as he could through the black, empty world. He couldn't see ahead or behind; it felt as if he hadn't moved at all. He began to despair when he heard his name; this time, the voice was closer than it had ever been before._

 _A few more steps. Connor could make it a few more steps for his beloved._

 _Connor felt his presence the moment he stepped into it. He reached forward and felt the familiar, broad arms encircle him. For the briefest moment, Connor felt everything he had ever wanted to feel. He felt loved and safe and appreciated and everything wonderful. He felt lips at his ear and he waited, anxious and trembling. He wanted to hear those precious, precious words:_ I love you too.

 _Instead, Connor heard what he always did._

 _"_ _I fucking hate you, fag."_

 _And he felt, instead of his dreamt about fairy tale kiss of a lover, the harsh nightmare kiss of a fist that made every bruise he'd ever had, bloom again._

(-.-)

Connor woke, shaking and sweaty in the bright hospital room. He puked in the nearest bin, tears soaking his face.

He was choking again, this time on a name.

 _"_ _Jude_ ," he howled, his voice full of heartbreak and regret. " _Jude_."

 **I know, I know, it's just a baby prologue! Don't worry – the next chapter will be out tomorrow and then we will continue updating every week on Fridays!**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	2. Just A Step Away

_*Nine*Months*Earlier*_

Connor sat in the back upper corner of the classroom, looking down at the professor who was fiddling with their laptop. He looked down at the clean piece of paper in front of him. On the left hand side, he labelled it: CLST. On the other side, he wrote the date: Monday, September 7th.

First class of his first term in his new university.

Connor checked his cell phone time as the large lecture hall began to fill. Class was to start in two minutes. Nervously, Connor glanced at the seat beside him. He hoped no one took it, but this was a large school and the first day of classes. He wouldn't be able to keep a buffer here, not like he wanted to. Not like he needed to. Connor needed a buffer now. He leant into the wall on his left as the last burst of stragglers tumbled into the room.

Connor audibly sighed in relief as the spot next to him remained empty. For now, at least, people were sitting toward the front.

"My name is Kroger," said the long haired figure at the front. "I get this question every year so I'm just going to get to the point now and I will not be answering any further questions on it. My pronouns are they/them, I don't care if you think you can guess what my genitalia is and use the 'proper' pronouns, use 'they/them'. Professor Kroger is a little formal, so feel free to call me 'Kroger'. If you find that Kroger is too much of a mouthful, you can also called me 'Jay'. But, to the point: it's first day and that means, syllabus nonsense! I'm sure you're all _very_ excited. I don't like killing trees, so the syllabus is available online only. If that's a problem, come talk to me after class."

Kroger lapsed into their grading expectations someone sat down next to Connor. He gripped his pen tightly and focused on scribbling doodles in the margin. Kroger hadn't said anything worth taking note of yet.

"Hey," the man who had sat down next to him leant toward him.

Connor shifted slightly more toward the wall. _Personal space_ , he wanted to say, though he knew it wouldn't be fair of him to. The seats in the lecture hall were situation close together as it was.

"Hey," Connor finally replied. Had that been too long of a pause? That had been too long of a pause.

"Did I miss anything?"

Connor shook his head.

"Thanks." The man relaxed back into his seat, staring at the screens ahead.

Kroger took up less than half the allotted lecture time.

"I'm not here to waste the time you paid for," they assured the class, "But, today, I'll make an exception. It'll give you a chance to pick up the required books!"

Connor folded up his notebook and placed it carefully in his messenger bag. He pulled his cellphone out and checked it, trying to delay leaving so that he didn't get caught in the crowd. He had one text, from the only person who ever texted him.

 **Dad: How's the first day going?**

 **Connor: I'll call you when it's over.**

He put his cellphone in his pocket and looked around. There were seven people left in the room: Kroger, four students clustered around them, Connor, and the man next to him. The man was also blocking his way out; his long legs were crowded awkwardly in the small aisle space.

"Am I in your way?" the man asked suddenly, looking up from his phone.

"No," Connor lied. He wouldn't want to be a nuisance.

In a few more seconds, the man had grabbed his backpack and was out the door. Connor let out a heavy sigh and carefully put his bag over his shoulder. He had an hour and a half to get to statistics.

(-.-)

Connor unlocked the door to his small dorm and then rushed inside. He shut the door behind him and immediately locked it behind him. He swept inside the tiny bathroom and then back out. The rest of his room was immediately visible to his eye but Connor still didn't breathe until he checked that the window was still locked.

Connor put his back to the wall and looked around the room. He had only lived here for three days. It was called a nano room and everything he needed was located within it; everything was practically in arm's reach. He had his own bathroom and his own tiny kitchen. His bed folded up and his desk folded out from underneath of it. Connor knew that some would have found it claustrophobic, but it made Connor feel better.

He put his phone down on the sliver of counter space next to his two burners. He called his father, Adam, and put it on speaker.

His father picked up on the first ring. "I thought your classes ended at three today."

"They do."

"It's three-thirty," Adam noted.

"I'm calling from my dorm. It took me longer to walk back than I thought it would. This campus is big."

"Too big?" You can always transfer home again –"

" _No!_ "

"I'm sorry. I just meant, if it's not the place for you, we'll find the place that is."

Connor flipped his bed up and the fat board that was his desk slid out.

"Are you there?"

"Yeah, Dad. Um, I haven't given this place a chance yet. I should give it a chance."

He unpacked his notebooks and stacked them on his desk. Then, he fetched his newly purchased textbooks from the bag on the floor. He stacked them on the other side of his desk.

"You're right," Adam agreed. "So, how did the classes go? How are your professors?"

"I like my professors. They all seem to know what they're talk about. Although, I don't like that I have to take statistics again."

"You did pick a school that you knew wasn't going to take most of the credits you already got," Adam pointed out.

"I know," Connor said. He moved his chair over in front of the desk, but he didn't sit. Instead, he decided to make himself a sandwich.

"What about the other students? Did you meet any friends?"

"No." He felt like a five-year-old being interviewed after their first day of school _ever_. "But it was only an introductory day. I know we're getting groups in one of my business classes next week."

"What about clubs? Or a sports team?"

Connor briefly considered lying to Adam. After all, he was good at it by now. But he had promised he wouldn't anymore. "I don't think so. It would be too much."

"You can't hide forever."

Connor stayed silent. January to September wasn't forever.

"Maybe second term." Adam sighed.

"Maybe," Connor agreed.

"You were always good at baseball," Adam added.

"I haven't played since I was fourteen … fifteen?" Connor reminded him. "I'm way out of shape."

"You could join a gym," Adam suggested. "I'm sure there's at least one on campus."

Connor dropped the top slice of bread onto his finished sandwich. "That's actually not a bad idea."

"You should try it!" Adam's optimism sounded forced. When he spoke again, he just sounded tired. "I just want you to be happy there, Connor. Do you think you will be?"

Connor paused, really trying to think about it. It was impossible to answer one way or another. He didn't know. He _couldn't_ know. He settled on saying, "Happier here than I would be at home." That, at least, was true.

Adam sighed again. "That doesn't tell me much."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Connor. That's not something you have to apologize for."

"Oh. All right." He would try and remember that.

"I know you're doing your best. That's what matters most to me."

"I'm trying, Dad. I'm really trying."

"Good. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you," Connor said, though he wondered why his father would be proud of him.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you."

"You too. Bye."

"Bye, Connor."

He waited for Adam to hang up first, then he laced his cell phone on his desk. He fetched a bottle of lemon water and sat down with his food. He opened one of his newly purchased textbooks and began to read.

Beyond his closed blinds and locked window with the sill lined with cactuses, below his room on the eleventh floor, other students met and laughed and enjoyed themselves in the bright sunshine, but Connor didn't think of them or the world at large. It was nice and easy to stay locked up in his room, reading ahead in his textbooks until it was time to go to sleep, so it was exactly what he did.

(-.-)

Jude Adams-Foster cursed and then he cursed again. He rubbed his hand across the worn material of his steering wheel, as if he his car would respond to love.

"Come on, come on, come on," Jude urged, trying his key again.

He was too late to catch the bus. He'd been late on Monday. He couldn't be late again on Wednesday too. Kroger had a reputation of being both a good prof and an all-knowing hard-ass. The last thing Jude wanted to do was get on their bad side this early in the term.

"Come on!" Jude snapped at the car. Then, " _Please, please, please, please, please, please, please_."

Pathetic begging was clearly the key this morning, because the car started up with a suffering groan. Jude didn't stop to celebrate; he just threw the car in drive and raced through the usually fifteen minute drive to campus. He found a parking space near his first class and darted off. He made it into the lecture hall with a minute to spare. The chair beside the hot guy he'd sat next to on Monday was open again. Jude dropped into it, glancing at the cute boy who was staring down at his notebook.

Jude was going to talk to him today. Really, he was.

Kroger wasted no time in beginning the lecture. At precisely eleven a.m., they were off and talking about the ancient Greek's creation story.

"In the beginning, there was chaos," Kroger said.

"Isn't that how all stories start?" Jude muttered.

The man next to him didn't respond, but there was a little smirk on as face. Jude decided that, as good as he looked now, with his strong jaw and shaggy hair, he would look much better if he smiled. Jude would love to see him smile.

The class didn't feel like it was fifty minutes long. Between deciding whether to laugh or groan at Kroger's badly placed history jokes and trying not to stare at the guy (though he was failing miserable; he was _hot_ and Jude's self-control was weak), the class blurred by. Jude had managed to take plenty of notes, and he happily stuffed his notebook away.

"Hey," Jude said, turning to the guy, who was packing up. "I'm Jude."

The guy looked up, studying him. His eyes looked olive green in this light.

"I'm Connor," he finally said.

 _Connor_. It fit.

"Do you have a class now?" Jude asked, deciding to roll with his courage while he had it. He wasn't always good at starting conversations with new people.

"Um, no. Well, at one."

"Oh, same! Do you want to grab lunch?"

Connor was just staring at him, and Jude began to doubt himself. Clearly, Connor was thinking he was some kind of idiot. Connor probably had friends he was going to eat lunch with. Or he thought Jude was creepy. Oh, God, had he noticed the way Jude was staring at him? He really hadn't been _trying_ to be weird; and he really _did_ want to have a real conversation with him. Jude wasn't a person who just wanted physical. He supposed, though, that he might have been coming off that way. He abruptly arrived at the conclusion that he should've just talked to Connor in class.

"Okay," Connor said.

"Really?"

"Unless you don't want to," Connor blurted.

"No, I just asked. Why wouldn't I want to?" Jude smiled, but Connor didn't imitate the expression. "Ready?"

"Y-yeah."

Connor slung his bag over his shoulder and Jude got caught up in his arm muscles before reminding himself to act like a normal person. It didn't matter what Connor looked like, it was beyond rude to stare at him like he wasn't a person. Again, Jude thought of how he had never gotten caught up in a person's looks like this before. He'd seen hot people before. He wasn't blind and he had sex drive. There was just something about the entirety of Connor that made him want to lose his mind a little bit. Jude would have wanted to talk to the guy anyway, but now he had a little more drive to do it. He'd never felt an attraction so strong before.

Jude led Connor out of their lecture hall and out of the building.

"Do you have a lunch or do you need to buy?"

"I have one."

"I was running late, so I need to buy. Okay to walk down to the pizza place?"

"Yeah, sure."

They weaved through the throng of students, tumbling off in each direction. Jude fished around for something to say. Connor didn't seem that talkative.

"What's your major?"

"Business. You?"

"Psych. I wasn't sure what I wanted to go into … I'm still not sure _what_ I want to do," Jude admitted. "But, psych is one of those things can go in a couple of directions."

"Oh. Um, what year are you?"

"Third. How about you?"

"Second. By this school's standard."

"This school?" Jude repeated.

"It's my first term here," Connor said.

Jude held the door to the crowded pizza place open. Connor slipped inside and waited for Jude so that they could stand in line together. As they followed the queue, Jude asked, "Why switch?"

"Needed a change."

He said it so quickly that Jude immediately backed away from the topic. He could understand not wanting to talk about something.

"Why'd you take Kroger's class?" Jude asked. He thought that it would be a topic that was okay to talk about. He didn't want to bother Connor during their first conversation because he wanted to have another conversation after this one and then, hopefully, another conversation after that.

"I don't get many electives. But that class seemed fun. And everyone seemed to like Kroger. What about you?"

Jude waited to answer as he ordered his pizza. He swiped his student card, picked up his slice, and then he and Connor dropped into an empty table next to the windows. Connor pulled out a sandwich, an apple, and a bottle of water. As he began to eat, Jude resumed the conversation.

"I took Kroger's class because it'll be easy." He bent the side of his paper plate. He was always a little nervous admitting this to strangers for the first time. "My ex-boyfriend was really into mythology, particularly Greek and Roman stuff. I figured that I picked up on enough to pass Kroger's class without much effort."

"Your ex-boyfriend?" Connor exclaimed.

Jude felt his stomach drop and his heart pick up speed. Was he homophobic? Or was he just one of those people who hadn't ever run into a gay person before?

"Yes," Jude said, trying not to overreact. He hated that his sexuality was still a big deal. He picked up his pizza. "I'm gay."

Connor blinked, then he focused on his sandwich. Jude watched him carefully, waiting to see what he would do. Connor didn't do anything, though, not until he had finished his sandwich. After that, he picked up his apple. He twisted it in his hands a few times and then he plucked the stem out. He rolled the apple between his palms and he didn't look back up at Jude.

Still, he clearly said, "My ex-boyfriend would have hated a class like this."

 _His ex-boyfriend._

"Well," Jude said, "It takes all kinds."

Connor stuck his nail into the flesh of his apple. "C-can we not talk about it?"

"Sure," Jude said. He didn't really know Connor well enough to attempt to pry. "I'd rather talk about you than your ex anyway."

"I'm not that interesting," Connor said.

"Well, I don't know if I believe that," Jude said.

"You'll find out."

Jude watched as Connor took a bite of his apple.

"If we become friends I will," Jude said.

"Friends?" Connor repeated.

He looked surprised, which Jude didn't understand at all. He teased, "What did you think I was aiming for?"

Connor didn't laugh. He lapsed into an awkward silence.

Jude drummed his fingers on the tabletop. He wanted to say something; he wanted to talk to him. He didn't think Connor was bland or boring, but he clearly wasn't easy to know. It would be easy to give up on Connor. They'd had one lunch and half a conversation; it wouldn't be a huge loss to either of them if they never spoke again. Jude found himself talking again.

"Do you know many people here?"

"No one."

He needed a friend. He _looked_ lonely.

"Do you want to go for a walk around campus?" Jude asked. "I can show you some interesting places. I lived on campus my first year so I know some good places to study."

"All right. Let's walk."

They dumped their trash and were out the doors. Jude decided to take him around the main library first, as it was close, and it was an attractive building.

"Do you still live on campus?" Connor asked.

"No. I've got a basement apartment. I live by myself now, which is strange. It's my first year living completely on my own and it's strange."

"Why not have a roommate?"

"I found the place cheap and it's literally one room and a bathroom. I know some people here, but no one that I know well enough to want to live with."

"Oh."

"Do you have a roommate this year?"

Connor shook his head.

"What residence are you in?"

"Nano residence."

"Ooh, the new ones. Fancy."

As they walked around campus, Jude asked a few more questions. Connor was an only child; his mother had passed away just before he turned fourteen from breast cancer; and he liked to study a lot. Connor asked some of his own questions, and Jude was more than happy to share. He walked Connor to his next class before rushing off to his own health psychology lecture. Jude felt satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time. Connor was hard to talk to, if only because he seemed very closed off. Jude stood by his assessment that Connor was lonely, and Jude really did hope that the two of them could be friends.

At the very least, Jude was going to talk to him again on Friday.

 **First official chapter! Let's go! The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Just A Step Away_** **by Carly Rae Jepsen! If you have a song that reminds you of** ** _Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions!**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	3. You Ruin Me

Connor had two classes on Thursday. When he had finished his last one, it was three-thirty in the afternoon. He was supposed to call his father at eight o'clock today, instead of right after classes as he normally did. He walked outside and decided that, today, he was going to join the gym. He didn't know if he would ever go, but he was going to _try_. It might help him, but he knew that it would help his father more. Connor wanted him to be happy.

He knew where the gym was – Jude had pointed it out to him on their brief campus tour. The gym was close to his residence, which, he thought, might convince him to attend more. Things close to his room were better than things further away from it. As he walked, his mind drifted to Jude. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't glancing at the passing crowd, hoping to see the man's bright face looking back at him. Jude was surprising. Connor, as a rule, didn't like surprising. But Jude was a good kind of surprising. Connor hoped he wasn't wrong in thinking that was as he appeared: a sweet, honest, person. Connor was good at making bad judgemental calls, and he reminded himself to reserve making any kind of judgement until he had known Jude long enough to see his true colours.

He opened the gym doors, casting a look around. It was a bright, open place. It was fairly populated at the moment, and there was a receptionist standing behind the desk.

"Hi, there!" she chirped. "Welcome to Cross Fit gym!"

"Hi," Connor said. "H-how much is a membership?"

"Are you a student? We have student discounts."

Connor nodded.

"Okay, well, we have a brochure." She pulled one out of the closest bin. "It lays out all of our different membership plans. You can pay for six months, a year, a school term, or a school year! We also offer classes on different nights of the week." Here she pulled out another brochure. "Here's our schedule for first term. We'll come out with another one … around the exam season, usually. The classes are extra on top of the flat gym rate."

"Oh, thanks." Connor glanced at them. "Um, I think I'll just pay for the school year."

She asked to see his student ID, rang him up, and then took a photo for his gym ID. It took approximately seven minutes to print. Connor got antsy, looking around. He found himself looking at a brochure of the gym's features, even though he was standing in it. It was a twenty-four hour gym, filled with impressive and up to date equipment. He would try to make himself go. He would have to find out when the good times were – when it wasn't crowded, but, also, when it wasn't empty. Both were equally unsettling to Connor.

The secretary handed him his new ID and Connor immediately stuck it in his wallet and then he headed toward his dorm. He didn't see Jude on the way there and he wondered why he was so eager. After wondering, Connor knew. Jude seemed the antithesis of everything that Connor was used to. And, Connor was lonely. He didn't like to think of how long it had been since he had a friend; a real, true friend. As Connor locked his dorm room door behind him, he realized he was hoping: he was hoping for Jude to be that real, true friend.

Connor wasn't happy he was hoping. It would only hurt in the end. Still, he found himself wondering if he and Jude would have lunch again tomorrow.

(-.-)

Connor walked to class, feeling disappointed. He had managed to forget, in his stupid hope, that Friday was a discussion for CLST and not a lecture. Connor had signed up for a discussion that occurred at the same time as the lecture, but he had no idea what Jude had done. And there was definitely more than one discussion group happening right now. Connor told himself to stop it and calm down and try to return to the apathetic internal baseline that he always tried to keep. Either way, he would see Jude on Monday, which should be more than enough for someone that he had lunch with once.

Connor walked into the classroom, focusing on the desks instead of the nice hours that he had spent in Jude's presence. The classroom was empty; he was ten minutes early. Connor took a seat in the back corner, so he wouldn't be boxed in by people. If he had to be boxed in, he'd much rather walls. With care, Connor opened his bag and put his notebook and the anthology they were working from the on his desk. He was just beginning to dig for a pen when the room started to fill. It was a small room, and it got very loud very quickly. Connor swallowed his discomfort and, instead, tried to look angry. Maybe if he looked angry, no one would take the seat next to him.

It didn't work.

"Hey!" Jude said. "You're in my discussion group!"

"Oh. Sorry," Connor replied.

Jude looked at him strangely. "Did I sound upset? I was hoping you would be. I didn't want to eat lunch alone."

"Oh."

"If you wanted to have lunch again," Jude added hastily. "I'm sure you wouldn't want to eat lunch with some jerk who ordered you to eat lunch with him."

Connor laughed a few seconds too late, because it had taken him that long to realize that Jude was innocently trying to be funny.

"Did you do the reading?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. This was a better topic. "Some of the language is … unnecessarily difficult."

Jude shrugged. "I guess that's the price of translating it from ancient Greek. I don't know about you, but I'd rather deal with complicated English than learning ancient Greek."

"I wouldn't mind learning ancient Greek," Connor admitted.

"I forgot. You're the studious type."

Connor shrugged. He had _become_ the studious type. "It's something to do."

"True. That being said, given the choice between Netflix and homework, I will always choose Netflix."

Connor didn't reply, as the TA had called the class to order. She introduced herself as Mary-Kate and asked if anyone had any questions about the readings. Connor had none. He'd understood most of it; this part of the course seemed simple. He was sure that when they started reading epic poems, like the _Odyssey_ , he would start running into more problems. When the brief question period ended, Mary-Kate asked if anyone had a chance to go and look at the syllabus. Out of the corner of his eye, Connor saw Jude shake his head.

"I just wanted to draw your attention to the discussion group project. It's not due until the end of term, but the syllabus is kind of vague, so I wanted to be sure no one was anxious about it."

Connor was grateful for that.

"So, the point of the project is creativity. You can rewrite a myth, make a diorama, scrapbook, video, whatever you want, so long as it relates back to the course material. You can work with a partner if you want, but no more than groups of three," she said sternly.

Connor made a note of that.

"It _will_ have to be presented to the discussion group. The last month or so of discussions will have time slots you can sign up for. Any questions about that so far?"

Connor didn't like how vague this project was. He was relieved when another student asked about a rubric and when Mary-Kate said that they would be given a rubric halfway through the term. After, they segued into the symbolism of the Greek Gods. Connor took careful notes, though most of the symbols were obvious in the writings at this point. During the last ten minutes, they were the given the first of their weekly quizzes. Jude finished his in two minutes, but Connor read slowly and took eight. When he walked out of the classroom, Jude was waiting for him.

"So … Yes to lunch?"

"Yeah," Connor said.

"I brought lunch today. Do you need to buy?"

"No."

"Oh, cool. Well, it's nice out today. Do you want to eat outside?"

"I'd like that."

They found a bench not far from Connor's next class. Jude watched as Connor pulled a salad out of his bag and balanced it on his knee.

"What did you do yesterday?"

"Went to class. Joined a gym."

"Cross Fit?" Jude guessed.

Connor nodded.

"A couple people I work with go there. They seem to like it."

"Where do you work?" Connor asked.

He had to make more of an effort to talk today. If he kept making Jude carry the conversation, Jude probably wouldn't want to have many more conversations. Connor knew he had to work on talking to other people; Adam had often said it over the past several months.

"A small convenience store at the end of my street. Another reason why I'm lucky to live where I do; I can walk to work in two minutes. When I lived on campus, it was fifteen on a bus. Not that that's _bad_ ; I just prefer the walk."

Connor took a bite out of his sandwich, listening as Jude seamlessly entered an explanation on how he didn't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays so he could work full time on those days. Connor liked hearing Jude talk. Jude always just seemed content, if not happy, to talk about the safe, simple topics that they were keeping to at the beginning of their tentative friendship. Connor glanced at Jude's face; his brown eyes were bright as he told an anecdote about a co-worker and bottles of Pepsi. His comfortable nature was infectious, and Connor would have liked to know what it was like to live life as Jude did.

Jude readjusted himself on the bench and his knee hit Connor's leg. Connor sucked in a breath and shifted away, trying to keep the screaming internal only. _Accidental knee touch, accidental knee touch,_ he repeated to himself. He made himself look back to Jude, to see if his companion had noticed anything, and, to his surprise, Jude apologized to him.

"Oh," Connor murmured.

"Some people don't like being touched. I get it. I'll do better now that I know."

"Oh. Thank you."

Connor waited for it to get strange and awkward. Instead, Jude asked about his hometown, which wasn't a _great_ topic, but Connor could talk about the generalizations enough to not end up in a panic. They passed the time away, and though the slow pace of getting to know one another could have been annoying, Connor didn't find it so. He was fascinated with everything Jude had to say, even if it was just Jude outlining his complicated family tree. Connor knew that they would have to be friends longer before Connor had a good grasp on that breakdown.

"Oh!" Jude exclaimed, looking down at his phone.

"Oh?" Connor repeated.

"We're going to be late to class!"

"Oh!" Connor quickly gathered up his bag. He couldn't believe that he'd lost track of time like that! He wasn't allowed to do that! When he stood up, Jude was next to him. "You don't have to walk me to class."

"I know. But is it okay if I want to?"

"Y-yeah," Connor said, surprised at how nice it made him feel.

"I'm hoping you're not sick of me yet," Jude added.

"No," Connor said. "Not even close."

Jude smiled and they paused in front of his building.

"I'll see you on Monday, then?"

Connor nodded. "I'll see you then."

Jude smiled at him, and then they walked their separate ways.

(-.-)

"Hey, Dad."

"Hey, Connor. How were your classes today?"

"Fine," Connor said. "There's something I need to tell you."

"What?"

Connor turned the tap, running water into his small sink. Speaking above the noise, he said, "I think I made a friend."

Yes. He was definitely still five years old. The only difference now was that his father was an hour's plane ride away. And he didn't have his mother. But, Connor supposed, pouring dish soap into the sink, if he still had his mother, he wouldn't be an hour's plane ride away from home.

"Really?"

His father should not sound so excited about this.

"I _think_ ," Connor stressed.

"Tell me all about them!"

Connor couldn't help but feel embarrassed. He was a twenty-one-year-old man, telling his father about meeting a friend. But he understood why Adam was excited. He understood why this was a big deal. If he were in the habit of optimism, Connor would be excited too.

"Well, his name is Jude –"

"A boy?"

He'd been worried about that. Connor hadn't been sure if Adam's desire for Connor to have friendship would outweigh the fact that Connor had found friendship in a male.

"Yeah. He's in my Greek mythology class. He sat next to me on the first day. We had lunch together Wednesday and today."

"What do you think, Connor?"

Connor side-eyed the phone. _That_ was always a dangerous question.

"I don't know, Dad. He's nice. I like talking to him."

"Where's he from? What's his major? Is your age? Younger? _Older_?"

"Dad, I haven't even known him a week –"

Adam cleared his throat and Connor cringed in remembrance.

"San Diego. Psychology. I think he's my age? I know he's a third year, which would make him close."

"He's not far from home, then."

"About an hour's drive. He said he goes back to see them a lot. He's close to his family."

"Big family?"

"Fairly."

"I'm sorry," Adam said. "I don't mean to make this sound like an interrogation. I know that's not helpful."

"You're just trying to be a good dad. I understand that," Connor replied.

"You need to tell me if I'm getting too overbearing or if I'm making you uncomfortable. I don't want to keep doing that to you."

"Okay, I'll tell you."

Adam sighed.

Connor let his hands float in the sink water. "What did I do wrong now?"

"Nothing, Connor. You did absolutely nothing wrong."

Connor said nothing and scrubbed at his single frying pan. Like he would ever believe that.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _You Ruin Me_** **by The Veronicas (reader recommended)! If you have a song that reminds you of** ** _Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	4. Maybe

Jude angled his laptop on his nightstand, hit the call button on Skype, and then he flopped into his comforter. It was _late_. It was far too _late_. He'd worked an exhausting shift after finishing classes for the day and he wanted nothing more to sleep. But he couldn't. He had a date.

"Hey! You're, like, ten minutes late!"

Jude tucked his pillow under his chest and lay on his stomach, facing his laptop.

"Hello to you too, Taylor."

She flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder. "I wouldn't be so upset if you called me more. But you haven't called me in forever!"

"I saw you, like, two weeks ago!"

"It's not my fault my best friend goes to school so far away." Taylor pouted. "Come home, Jude."

"I like it here. And I'd say come here, but I know you like it there. It's not like you're home, either, though. You're an hour in the other direction of home."

"Just let me be clingy," Taylor said. "I'd cuddle with Daria but she doesn't get back for another two _weeks_! Two weeks! It just isn't fair! She keeps sending me pictures of Hawaii. I want to go to Hawaii, Jude!"

"Marry Daria so you get to go on the family vacation next year," Jude recommended.

"If I thought she'd say yes, I totally wouldn't hesitate," Taylor said. "You look tired."

"I am tired. Work was _hell_."

"I can help you find a sugar daddy, you'd never have to work again."

"Not that there's anything _wrong_ with that, but I am too much of a romantic to consider it. I want real love, Taylor."

"How are things going on that front, then?"

" _All by myself,"_ Jude sang.

"What about hot boy you texted me about on Monday?" Taylor asked, then, quickly under her breath, she added, "And you haven't texted me since Monday not that I'm bitter and upset about that, oh no."

"And how is single life treating _you?_ " Jude said, amused.

"I don't miss him. I just miss the constant cuddle and affection and attention and … I need a new relationship. That's the only solution. But, come on, Jude. Tell me about the boy."

"Well, I talked to him. And I didn't get as tongue tied as I thought I would."

"Yay! Go, Jude!"

"I don't know what happened to me on Monday. I just saw him and my brain just … Just …" Jude spread his hands out, " _died_."

"Hot people do that to me all the time. I knew your hormones weren't immune from acting like hormones."

Jude rolled his eyes. "I knew I wasn't immune."

"You were very attracted to the ex."

"The ex has a name."

"I know, I know." Taylor leant on her desk. "And I know the speech 'Taylor, the break up was a good break up' blah, blah, blah. We keep talking about the ex like I haven't been calling him the ex for the past two years."

"Anyway, I was attracted to the ex," Jude said. "I've seen hot people and gone stupid before. I just didn't know I could go _that_ stupid to someone that's not a celebrity."

Taylor laughed. "What's hot boy's name?"

"Hot boy gets a name but Dylan doesn't?"

" _Jude_."

"His name is Connor."

"Ooh, I like it! And, hot boy gets a name because who knows what will happen with him. Maybe you going totally stupid is a sign you two are meant to be!"

Jude laughed. He picked at the corner of the pillow and said, "I'm not ruling anyone out."

"Anyone with a penis out," Taylor corrected.

"Yeah," Jude agreed.

"I promise I won't try to convince you that vaginas are magical things … again," Taylor said.

"Until you get drunk and decide to lecture me on the pros and cons of pansexuality … again," Jude said.

"I just ... like people. I don't care about their dangly bits."

"How many dangly bits do girls have anyway?"

"Ever seen a pair of tits, Jude?"

Jude stopped talking.

Taylor laughed at him. "So, back on topic."

"We had a topic?"

"Um, yes. Hot boy. Connor!"

"What about him?"

"Well, you had a conversation with him …" Taylor said, leading him.

"Yeah. He seems sweet but … I don't know. There's something … off."

"Off? Like … how? Like … needs to be cuddled or he tortures kittens in his basement?"

"He's just quiet. It's hard to get him in a conversation but whenever we talk, well, I do most of the talking, he just looks happy to be talked to."

"Is it because there's something wrong with him or something happened to him?" Taylor asked.

"I think it's the second one. Taylor, I accidentally touched his leg today and he shot to the opposite side of the bench we were sitting on!"

Taylor's eyebrows rose. "That's … I don't need to tell you what that probably means."

"He just moved here. He seems so sad. That sounds like a weird thing to say, but he just looks _sad._ "

"Are you going to keep talking to him?"

"I want to. Like I said, he's nice. And I don't know him that well yet."

"Yeah, but if you think you should stop talking to him, do it before you know him too well. And before he knows where you live."

"I don't really get the serial killer vibe from him," Jude confessed. "He doesn't scare me."

"Well, that's always good."

Jude plucked at the side of the pillow. "You're going to read too much into this."

"What? You talking to a hot boy who's sweet that you want to keep talking to? No. That doesn't sound like me."

"That and … he's gay too."

"Obviously, the fates have decided that you two need to be together." There was a touch of sarcasm to her voice, but Taylor's face was bright. "If it happens between you and … anyone, I'll be happy. I want _you_ to be happy."

"I'm happy, even without the relationship. Unlike some people," he teased.

"College is for fun and for partying and for dating, in my opinion. I'll get my shit together some day, I promise."

"I have faith in you," Jude said through a yawn.

"You're tired." Taylor sighed. "I'll let you go to sleep."

"I'll text you tomorrow," Jude promised.

"I'll hold you to that."

"Goodnight, Taylor."

"Night, Jude. Say hi to Connor for me."

"That I won't do. I don't want him thinking I'm weird for talking about him to other people! He's shy enough as it is."

"Maybe I'll meet him at Halloween."

"Maybe you will. Bye, Taylor."

"Bye, Jude."

Jude hung up Skype and shut his computer. He drew the curtains around his bed closed and flopped back down on his mattress. Long work shifts always left him drained and his legs always felt a little achy afterward. He curled up against his pillows, thinking about Taylor and thinking about Connor. Taylor was such a major part of his life; if there was a person that he could say knew everything, it would be Taylor. His mothers knew a lot; some of his siblings knew more and some of his siblings knew less. Taylor, though, had been his friend since they were thirteen and, along with her best friend, Daria, she had been there for him, and in trouble with him, on most counts. Taylor had visited him at school before and had met most of the people he was casually friends with. It wasn't a big deal for him to introduce people to Taylor but it was almost strange for him to picture Taylor and Connor in the same space, having a conversation. It was a good kind of strange, though.

Jude shoved his head under his pillow, telling himself to get a grip. He didn't know Connor, not really. Not enough to warrant this. Jude knew he'd keep telling himself that and he did, up until he was face to face with Connor again. Connor smiled at him when he walked into class on Monday. Of course, Connor also ducked his head quickly afterward so that Jude couldn't see his face, but Jude felt happy as he sat down.

"Hi, Connor," he said brightly.

"Hey, Jude."

Connor's gaze lifted and Jude met his sweet eyes. Jude felt his heart skip a beat at the moment of eye contact. Kroeger started their lecture and Connor turned to pay attention, while Jude pulled out his phone and texted Taylor.

 **Jude: I think I have a really bad crush.**

Taylor quickly answered back with _'_ **I knew it'** followed by the devil emoji.

Jude shook his head at her and he texted her on and off during the class, mostly with her teasing him about his feelings. Connor commented on the texting on their way out of class.

"Nice focus," he said, which might have been the most teasing tone that Jude had ever heard from him.

"It's my best friend," Jude said.

"Taylor," Connor supplied.

"You remembered?" Jude said in surprise.

"I'm good at listening."

"But not so good at talking."

"I'm sorry," Connor said automatically, though Jude didn't think he'd said his words meanly – just as an observation. "I'll do better."

"I don't mind either way," Jude assured him. "I just like that we hang out."

"Really?"

"Really. Does here look like a good spot to eat lunch?"

Connor immediately sat on the warm grass that Jude had gestured to. Jude sat down next to him and carefully steered the conversation toward Kroger's lecture.

"I like that they draw from the readings," Connor said.

"I don't," Jude snorted.

"Why?"

"Because I never do the readings when I'm supposed to," Jude grumbled. "I just get distracted and unmotivated. How do you study so much? How do you do it?"

"It's easier than not having anything to do," Connor said. "I, um, do most of my readings on the weekend if … if you're … Oh."

"Are you asking if I want to do homework with you?"

Connor was going red. "Only if you want to."

"I would! If you wouldn't mind dealing with my work schedule."

Connor shook his head. "I'd like studying with you."

"Oh, you say that _now_ ," Jude joked. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Oh. Um. Not much."

"I know you've already done the reading for this week but I was hoping you'd sit with me anyway."

"Where?"

"I could come to campus," Jude offered. "Library."

"I can do that."

"I'm off at four. I can meet you here at five."

Connor nodded and then smiled at Jude again. Jude felt totally dismantled all over again. It was then that he had to acknowledge that no matter how much he knew Connor and no matter how illogical it might be, Jude really _liked_ him. Really liked him a _lot_.

"Thanks," Jude said.

"You're welcome," Connor said. Then, hesitantly, he asked, "We're friends, right?"

"Right."

The sweet expression on Connor's face was too much for words and Jude knew that he was in trouble.

(-.-)

"I have to go soon, Dad."

"Oh?" Adam said. "Where do you have to go?"

"I'm meeting Jude at the library. We're going to do some studying together."

"How are you getting along? Is everything okay?"

"Yes. We're friends, Dad." Connor's voice lifted happily. "We eat lunch and we talk and he just … treats me like I'm a person. Like there's nothing wrong with me."

"There isn't anything wrong with you," Adam said sharply.

Which was a far cry from Adam's words six years ago. Although the thought drifted across Connor's mind, he didn't bring it up. The present was hard enough without talking about the past. Instead, Connor noted, "There is a lot wrong with me."

"But he hasn't said anything about it."

"No. And we both know he's got to notice. I'm not so good at being a person anymore."

"Connor –"

"Please, Dad, don't lie to me," Connor whispered.

"All right." Adam paused. "You're a person, Connor, and you're going to be just fine."

"Thanks," Connor said. "I'm going to have to go now."

"Text me when you're in for the night."

"Okay, Dad."

"I love you."

"You too."

Connor hung up his phone and tucked it into his pocket. He double checked his bag for his laptop and the assigned reading for CLST this week. He made sure to lock the door tightly behind him. Then, he was off, cutting across campus. He felt sweat pool on his mid back from the late day sunshine. He was thinking about how he'd probably be a red-faced mess when he made it to the library, when he spotted Jude. His hair was dark and wet, and, when he was close enough, Connor could smell his soap and shampoo.

"Hey!"

Jude was smiling at him and Connor couldn't help but smile back.

"Hi. How was work?"

Jude flicked his hand dismissively. "Most of the people I work with are great."

"Most?"

Jude's eyebrows furrowed. "And then there's Jason. C'mon, I'll tell you on the way in. I booked a study room for us."

"Oh, okay."

Connor followed him, and Jude began his short tale.

"Jason's been there the longest – well, excluding pretty much all of management, he has. He has a bit of a superiority complex about the whole thing. And, like, the store is pretty small and most of us are on the same level so there's really no need for it at all. Anyway, it was a slow shift today and it was just me, him, and one of our managers who was doing paperwork in the back office. He kept bossing me around, check stock, move this, do that. All while he stays behind the cash register and doesn't move. I don't mind doing my fair share of work, but he was just pulling it all out of his ass." Jude rolled his eyes. "I guess there's one in every work place."

"I wouldn't know. I've never had a job." He hadn't been allowed to, before, and now, he and everyone else were in agreement that he probably wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Not a bad life to live," Jude mused. "We're in study room six."

Connor found the door and Jude swiped his student card for access. The lock clicked and Jude pushed the door open, turning on the lights. Connor entered the room – it was smaller than he'd expected. It was rather cramped, with one table in the middle that took up the majority of the space. It had tables crowded around it. There was also a screen mounted on the wall, with cables so that it could be hooked up to a laptop.

"Do you mind if we keep the door open a little?" Connor asked. The small space made him a little nervous, though he mostly trusted Jude not to hurt him.

"Nah. These rooms get kind of stuffy anyway."

Connor used the door stop and then he sat down at the table across from Jude. Jude had a tablet set up in front of him and then he pulled out the black and orange book that Kroger currently had them working from.

"I mean, I mostly know the stories behind this stuff. Like I said, my ex was into it. But, Kroger does a lot of interpreting the meaning behind the myths and I'm not good at that sort of thing."

"Well, some things are more obvious than others. Like Zeus – he stands for things like justice."

"This is only going to get more convoluted the further we go, isn't it?"

"Yep. The Olympian Gods are kind of easy to guess at for most of their symbols, just because they're more well-known. But when we get to actual myths, sometimes their intent can get vaguer, just because they can mean many things or have many intents applied to them."

"Have you read all the books already?" Jude asked.

Connor's lips twisted upward. "Only half."

"Then you are _way_ ahead of the game. Let's do this."

For an hour, they went over the week's readings and Connor's notes. Jude shook his head in disbelief when he saw Connor's neatly organized notes, all typed up on his laptop.

"They're even colour coded?! Who are you!?"

Connor had just shrugged in embarrassment.

"I'm not making fun of you," Jude swore. "Your notes are very helpful."

"Isn't that the point of notes?"

"My notes usually consist of a lot of highlighter use and roughly three sticky notes."

Connor smiled, though he wasn't sure if Jude were serious or not.

When they had finished the last bit of work they'd needed to, Jude sat back in his chair. He tapped at the table and Connor watched his fingers move. There was something on Jude's face that Connor didn't know if he liked. It was a look of hesitance – of making a decision. Connor didn't like it. He liked predictability, though he had to admit that Jude wasn't always predictable.

"Have you eaten dinner?"

Connor shook his head.

"Do you want to go somewhere then?"

"W-where?" Connor asked, completely caught off guard.

"I don't know. Wherever you want. There's a ton of food places around campus or we can take my car and go somewhere else."

"Oh. Um, if you want."

"Connor, you don't _have_ to go to dinner with me."

"I want to," Connor said, not because he felt like he had to say it, but because he did want to spend more time with Jude.

"What do you feel like?"

"I don't know what's around. I just got here, remember?"

"Well, pick a food and I'll figure out a good spot for it."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Anything you don't like?"

"I'm picky when it comes to Mexican but I like most things."

"What about Chinese food?" Connor suggested.

He waited for Jude to shake his head and say 'are you sure you're not in the mood for something else?' and Connor would keep guessing until he'd gotten the right food. He was caught off guard when Jude nodded.

"The best Chinese food place is about a fifteen minute drive," Jude said. "But there's a good place within walking distance. Take your pick."

Connor had to look away from Jude's face in order to decide. Could he get in a car with Jude? Twice? Did he trust the man in front of him? Connor was barely able to get into a car with Adam. He hadn't left campus for the exact reason that he couldn't make himself get in a taxi or on public transit. Could he sit in a car with Jude for fifteen minutes there and fifteen minutes back? Connor took a steadying breath. Jude had never said anything about Connor's strange tendencies but Jude wasn't dumb. If Connor asked Jude to pull over so that Connor could walk in a circle on the side of the road for five minutes, Connor had absolutely no doubts that he would. That was more than enough for Connor.

"Why not get the best?"

"Do you want to drop your laptop back at your room or anything?"

"No. It's not heavy to carry."

"All right. Come on, let's eat."

They walked to the closest student parking lot and Jude directed Connor to a fairly broken down looking car. Connor approached the passenger door cautiously, while Jude let out a snigger.

"I promise that it's in excellent shape and you won't end up waiting on the side of the road with me for a tow truck to come to our rescue."

"Well, if you say it then it must be true."

Jude was laughing as Connor sat in the passenger seat.

"I'll earn your trust someday, Connor Stevens."

Connor looked around the cluttered car. The back seat was filled with papers, some old sweaters, an umbrella, and a blanket, among a few other odds and ends. There wasn't any garbage and there wasn't much dirt. Connor found his eyes slinking toward the half open ash tray poking out from the old dashboard, but it was empty. Either Jude didn't smoke or he'd just cleaned it today. Somehow, Connor doubted the latter.

"The car," Connor finally said, "may not be the way to do that."

"Be nice or it may not start," Jude warned him, turning the key. As predicted, the car revolted and refused to start.

"You'd think that in order to be nicer you'd stop calling it an 'it'."

"Hmmm." Jude mused, trying the key again.

This time, the car sputtered to life.

"You may be on to something there," Jude said. "What do you think we should name it?"

"Oh, it's your car," Connor said. "You should name it."

Jude carefully backed out of the parking space and began his way off campus.

"It was your idea."

"Oh."

Connor watched campus begin to fade away from them. The last time he'd been off campus was when Adam took him out to dinner on his last night here. It seemed so long ago, though that had been the last week of August and they were closing down on the middle of September now. He touched the sun warmed part of the dashboard.

"What about the name Gerald?"

"Gerald?" Jude said.

"It's dumb –"

"No, no," Jude interrupted. "I like it. What do you think? Should we call you Gerald?"

Connor and Jude sat in silence for a moment, as if they expected the car to answer. When there was nothing more than the sound of it running as it normally did, Jude laughed awkwardly.

"Well, it didn't break down, so I guess 'Gerald' it is."

Connor watched as the road turned to a more populated street, with restaurants and clothing stores crowded the area.

"Do you go to this restaurant often?"

"Not _that_ often. It's my favourite place for Chinese food. Usually when Taylor comes down to visit we usually go there. Chinese food is her favourite."

"Does she come often?"

"Usually once a month I go see her or she comes to see me. We alternate. This coming weekend I'm going to see her and then she'll be down over Halloween. She knows a few people who go here and so we're going to have a small party at my place, I think."

"That's advanced planning."

"Taylor's idea. I don't mind, so long as it's not a huge thing. My land lady would kill me and evict me in the same breath. And I don't really like huge parties either. I'd rather be with friends than strangers."

"Makes sense," Connor said, though he really didn't know what he preferred. He'd never really been to a party. A middle school dance, but never an actual party.

"You're welcome to come. If you still like my presence by Halloween."

"We'll see at Halloween," Connor murmured.

"I'm hoping you still like me then," Jude added. "Now that we're friends, I'm counting on staying that way."

Connor ducked his head, though a smile came over his face. He liked the thought of Jude and him being friends in a month. Maybe even more than a month. Connor didn't see why Jude would want to continue to be friends with him but Jude seemed happy to be in his company. Connor was happy in Jude's company too. They pulled into a tiny parking lot and Connor looked up, surprised that they had been driving for twenty minutes. He hadn't expected to be so relaxed in Jude's company. He'd expected to be anxious and sick the entire car drive, looking for threats that weren't there. That's how he always was with new things – or at least, that's how he was now. But with Jude, he could breathe. It was a very strange feeling.

"What do you think? Does it look like a good place?"

Connor studied the squat building in front of him. He wouldn't have pegged this place for a Chinese food restaurant. It was done up in bright colours and what could only be called surfer décor. The kicker was the name of it – written in bright letters above a half-assed doodle of a teenaged boy, were the words ' _Bob Likes Chinese Food'_.

"Really?" Connor heard himself say, though he was sure he hadn't given himself the command to speak.

"Really! I promise it's great but I know it's a little weird so if you don't think you'll like it …"

"No, I want to try it. I … think I trust you, Jude."

"Well, that's better than how I was doing when you first sat in Gerald," Jude said. "So, I'll take it. Come on."

The inside of the restaurant was just as surfer looking as the outside. Booths were built out of light wood, surf boards and pictures of the ocean dotted the walls, and the tables and chairs were all painted bright colours. A waiter, dressed in a tight white t-shirt and bathing suit shorts, grinned at them.

"Welcome to _Bob Likes Chinese Food!_ Table for two?"

Jude nodded and the host palmed two menus. He led them to a small table in the back of the restaurant. He put their menus down and stepped backward. Connor quickly slipped into the chair that would situate his back against the wall. Jude happily took the other one.

"Your server will be right over to take your drink orders."

"Thanks," Jude said. When the host was gone, Jude turned immediately to Connor. "So, now that we're inside, what do you think?"

"I think it's even weirder from inside."

"Fair enough."

"I'm withholding judgement until I've eaten though."

"A better plan. So, I know what I'm getting."

"Already?"

"It's always the same thing," Jude said. "I can't bring myself to try anything else because I love my usual order too much. Combination plate number three. And a bowl of hot and sour soup."

"Oh, that's my favourite," Connor said.

"Want to split a large bowl, then?"

Connor agreed and he went back to browsing the menu.

"Whatever you want," Jude added. "My treat."

"Oh, I can't let you –"

"You can grab it next time. So we'll be even." Jude was smiling his relaxed smile, but Connor's heart skipped.

"Next time?"

"Sure. Study food is a necessity, right?"

"Right," Connor said, even as something inside of him thrilled at the thought of next time. Jude was his friend. Jude wanted to keep spending time with him. Somehow, the pieces wouldn't properly click inside of Connor's brain.

"You can even get a drink. They have some ridiculously named cocktails." Jude opened his menu.

"Oh, I don't drink." He couldn't. Not after everything.

"Duly noted." Jude closed his menu. "I don't drink often, and I never do when I'm expecting to drive."

"Oh, good."

"I thought you trusted me!"

"I said 'I think'."

Before Jude could respond, a waitress came by and carefully placed two glasses of water on the table.

"Hey, guys! I'm Katrina and I'll be your waitress this evening. How are you tonight?"

"Great, thanks," Jude said.

"Do you guys want anything to drink?"

"Water's fine for tonight," Jude said.

"Sure. Do you need a few more minutes or are you ready to order?"

Jude glanced at Connor, who hesitantly ordered what he wanted. Jude ordered and the waitress swept away again. Jude and Connor faced one another and Connor was struck by the fact that he didn't know what to say. He wanted to say something but no words would come to him. Underneath the table, Jude shifted his legs and his foot brushed against Connor's calf. Connor quickly tucked his legs underneath of his chair, trying to create distance at the small table.

"I'm sorry," Jude said. "It was an accident."

"No, I'm sorry. I just … I don't like … It's hard to explain –"

Jude held up his hand in a 'stop' gesture and Connor clamped his mouth shut.

"You don't need to explain anything to me. If you don't want to be touched then I'll be careful."

"Oh."

Connor's first instinct was to doubt what Jude was saying. Of course Jude would want an explanation; of course Jude would ask why Connor flinched at even the slightest brushes. Or Jude would just clearly point out that he knew why Connor acted the way that he did. One look at Jude's open face, though, and Connor knew that he meant every word that he had said. Jude truly meant that he didn't require answers and, that even if he did guess at Connor's motivations, he wouldn't say so.

"But if you ever want to talk about anything, then I'll be here," Jude added.

Connor really didn't know what to do with a person like Jude. Simply, he said, "Thank you. And thank you for dinner."

"You're very welcome. Oh, look, the soup!"

The food was as good as Jude promised. Connor fell in love with the hot and sour soup the moment that he tasted it. But spending time with Jude was better. It didn't take long for Jude to fall into telling stories about his brothers and sisters. Apparently Jesus, one of his older brothers, was going through a possible eviction as the current roommate he had liked throwing parties that destroyed the apartment they were renting. And Callie, one of his older sisters, had recently started working as a photographer for a small newspaper. Connor liked hearing stories about people that he'd never met. He liked hearing stories about people who lived full lives and who had struggles. He didn't fully understand the allure, but he also knew that part of it had to do with hearing Jude talk. He was so happy and animated when he talked about his family. Connor could hear how proud he was of them. He wondered what that felt like.

"So, how's your dad?" Jude asked.

"Dad's … good. He mostly just works. But that's where he's happy."

"Did he work a lot when you were a kid?"

Connor nodded. "Not as much as now. But it felt like it was just Mom and I lot. We were closer than Dad and I were."

"Moms are like that," Jude said.

Connor didn't really have a reply, so he just used his chopsticks to pick up some of his rice. He hadn't had a mother in years. She was so far away – so many life events away. The years had distorted her. Sometimes he wondered if he remembered her accurately at all. The only thing that Connor was sure of when it came to his mother was that she could have saved him, especially where his father did not. Or, perhaps even better, she would have taught him how to save himself.

"Are you okay? You look a little sad."

Connor shook his head, trying to dispel the strange feelings. Sad moods overcame him too often, though he knew that there was nothing he could do about what had transpired in the past.

"I'm all right. Just … thinking too hard about some things."

"Well, we can talk about happier things. Have you ever been camping?"

Connor shook his head, and so Jude grinned and launched into another family story. Connor was happy to just listen.

Connor was happy with Jude.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Maybe_** **by Nat & Alex Wolff. If you have a song that reminds you of ****_Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	5. Locked Out

Taylor balanced on the railing of her balcony and carefully lit a cigarette. Jude watched as she took a long inhale and then brushed her hair over her shoulder.

"Daria know about the smoking yet?"

"Not yet," Taylor said. "She'll notice soon and then she'll probably start stealing them."

"You need to learn to share."

"Or I'll just find someone who smokes and date them so that I can steal their cigarettes." Taylor held out the pack of cigarettes to Jude but he shook his head. "I know you've smoked before."

"Once when we were, like, fifteen. I nearly hacked up a lung." Jude nodded the neck of his beer bottle toward her. "I'll just stick with this, thanks."

"Isn't it scary, Jude?"

"What?"

"We're adults. We have responsibilities and shit to do."

"We can still hide behind the guise of students," Jude said, laughing. "But we knew it was going to happen."

Taylor took another drag off her cigarette and stared down at the street, eight stories below. She blinked, soft and slow, and her expression became one of nostalgia. "But did we really, though?"

Jude really had no reply to that and so he took a sip of his beer. They sat in silence as Taylor finished off her first cigarette and immediately decided that she wanted a second. Jude watched again as she took her lighter to the tip of the cigarette and it lit easily. Smoke curled from the end and Taylor swished her finger through it.

"Talk to me, Jude."

"About what?"

"About anything."

Jude moved closer to her so that he could rest his head against her shoulder. Her arm curled around him and her hand rested in his hair.

"Are you okay, Taylor?"

"I don't know, Jude. There's something I haven't been allowed to tell you."

"Can you tell me now?"

"You can't tell Daria."

"I only really talk to Daria when I'm with you."

She held out one hand anyway, her pinkie finger extended. Jude hooked their fingers together, sealing the promise. Taylor inhaled from her cigarette and on her exhale, she confessed.

"Daria's pregnant. Six weeks."

Jude lifted his beer bottle to his lips at the news. "Well, she and Thomas have been together since first year, right?"

"He's not the kid type. Daria is very much kids in the future type." Taylor ran her fingers through his hair. "It just has me thinking about it too much. She doesn't know what to do and I have no advice to give her. She's scared to tell Thomas but she's scared to be pregnant but she's scared to have an abortion. She doesn't know what to do."

"I don't think there's an easy answer." Jude turned so that his arms were fully around Taylor's waist and he hugged her tightly. "You know I'm here."

"I know. You're good like that." Taylor finished off her second cigarette, stamping it into her ash tray. "Let's go in, Jude. I have back episodes of _Project Runway_ for us to watch."

"Oh, good, those are my favourite."

Taylor slid off the railing and tucked her hand into Jude's, leading him back into her apartment and over to the couch, where they watched TV late into the night. They cuddled on the couch but talked about nothing deeper than the pros and cons of the TV shows and who should win and why.

"I need to see you more often," Taylor said. "You're the least dramatic person I know."

"Thank you?"

"It's easy to spend time with you. Because I never have to worry about what you're secretly thinking. You're just so open, Jude."

"You're not exactly a mystery, Taylor."

"Other people are. Other people are complicated and dramatic and have a thousand things going on –"

"Like my family."

"But you just … go to school, go to work, and live your life. The most dramatic thing you've done since starting university was develop a crush on Connor."

"I like to think I'm a little more interesting than that," Jude protested. "But I guess I see your point."

"Remember the golden rule of being friends with me."

"You're always right. I know."

Taylor grinned. "Good boy!"

Jude shook his head at her and then he yawned. "Can we go to bed?"

"It _is_ three a.m. I guess I should just be proud that I kept you up this long."

She hopped up off the couch, turning the TV off. Jude followed her into her room, which was a mess of clothing. From the desk to the floor, everything was covered in random articles of clothing.

"Oh, nice bra," Jude commented dryly, seeing the garment hanging from one of the dresser knobs. "Is it new?"

"It's a little disturbing that you know that."

"Maybe if you kept some of your clothing in drawers or in the closet …"

"You would think you, of all people, would be advocating to keep things out of the closet."

Jude rolled his eyes, even as he and Taylor turned their backs on one another to change into pyjamas. "They're hardly comparable things. Some things are supposed to be in the closet."

"And people aren't one of them. I know, Jude. We've both been there."

Jude crawled into Taylor's large bed, settling himself against the wall while she took up her favourite spot – the exact middle.

"You're also uncomplicated about this, which I like. We're totally platonic. Sometimes I feel like I _have_ to constantly be sexual. Like, appealing. Even with people I don't want to sleep with or who I know don't want to sleep with me. I feel like I have to impress people that I don't matter to and that will never matter to me."

"I think we all feel the need to impress sometimes."

Taylor sighed, then she reached over and turned her bedroom light off, leaving them both in darkness.

"Are you sure you're okay, Taylor? Is there something else you're not telling me? You've been a little strange this weekend."

"My thoughts are too heavy for my head."

Jude waited in the darkness for the right response to come to him, but it never did. Next to him, Taylor eventually fell asleep. Though Jude was tired, he stared up at the white ceiling and listening to the cars go by on the always busy street below. Taylor tossed and kicked in her sleep, as she normally did, and Jude shifted his legs out of the way to avoid being bruised. He looked at her and worried about her, but he knew that, unless she confided in him, there was nothing that he could do but make sure that she knew he was listening. He hoped it wasn't serious; he wanted to believe Taylor would tell him if it were.

Taylor turned away from him, but Jude turned onto his side so that he was facing her, and he closed his eyes.

(-.-)

 **Jude: Just made it to campus**

 **Taylor: Glad the car didn't break down**

 **Jude: I told you. Connor named him Gerald.**

 **Taylor: I'm glad Gerald didn't die.**

 **Taylor: Thank you for coming this weekend. I needed that.**

 **Jude: I'm always here if you need me. Whenever you need to talk. If you need me to drive down more, I will.**

 **Taylor: We'll Skype soon, okay? I'll see you on Halloween.**

 **Jude: See you then.**

He locked his car behind him and set across campus to the library. He knew that he was late to meet Connor – there'd been a traffic accident on one of the highways that he'd taken back. He'd been about to do the logical thing and text Connor about the delay when he realized that he did not, in fact, have Connor's number. Jude had checked Facebook, to see if he could send Connor a message that way, but it seemed that Connor didn't have Facebook. He was worried that, due to the forty-five minute time difference, Connor would have left the library and their scheduled study session, but when Jude approached the large building, he immediately spotted Connor, sitting on the library steps. Jude rushed over to him, calling out to him before he actually reached Connor.

Connor looked up and relief drifted across his face.

"I got caught in traffic!" Jude said. "I'm so sorry! You really didn't have to wait."

"What else was I going to do?" Connor said, though his tone was soft, and Jude got the feeling that Connor wasn't really looking for an answer. He looked up at Jude and answered more clearly, "We had plans."

"I hope we still do."

Connor nodded. "I brought my books and my laptop."

"And the study room is all booked!"

They found their way up to the study room and took their seats across from each other. Instead of taking out his books, though, Jude unlocked his phone and brought up the new contact screen. He slid his phone across the table to Connor, who thankfully caught it before it could slide off the lip of the table. He looked at Jude curiously.

"I just thought I should have your number, just in case it happens again. Or vice versa. Or just to text. Or … whatever." Jude clicked his teeth together. Connor was so easy to talk to and Jude constantly worried that he would give himself away. Taylor said that he was open. Perhaps that meant that he was too obvious as well.

Connor didn't seem to notice. His fingers trembled over Jude's phone screen but he carefully filled out his information and handed the phone back to Jude. Jude saved his contact information and then sent a text to Connor.

 **Jude: Hi.**

Connor looked down at his phone screen as it lit up. His eyes swept over the message and then he looked back to Jude. "Hi."

"I've got a confession to make," Jude said, leaning forward.

"What's that?" Connor asked.

He didn't lean toward Jude, but he didn't lean away either. Jude wondered if that meant something. It was clear how Connor disliked people to be close to him.

"I really don't feel like studying."

"Oh. Well, I can go. We can do it when you feel like it." He spoke quickly, tripping over his own words.

"Connor, I was more trying to ask you if you'd be willing to do something different."

"Oh!" Connor's eyes widened.

Jude almost shook his head. Connor really didn't know what he was asking at all. He wondered what kind of circumstances had built the man in front of him, and Jude wanted to know. He wanted to know how Connor's thoughts and what his heart held. He wanted to know him like Jude had never wanted to know another person before. He didn't have any expectations of anything coming from his crush, but he wanted to be Connor's friend. He had some strange conviction that he and Connor were supposed to be in one another's lives.

"Something like what?"

"Well, I don't want to do anything you wouldn't like."

"You're a very considerate person."

"Honestly, I'll tell you what I was thinking, though."

"Honesty is a good policy."

"It's been a long weekend. And I don't know how much you'll like the sound of this, but I was thinking, we would go to my place."

"And do what?"

There was hesitance and alarm in Connor's voice.

"No, no. Like, watch movies, order take out, maybe actually read a chapter or two of the textbook. I'd drive you home as soon as you wanted or there's a bus that goes by me every half an hour for most of the night. You could leave whenever you wanted."

Connor didn't answer right away. He spun his phone in his hands. Jude waited patiently.

"I don't know."

"You don't have to. You always have a choice with me, Connor."

Connor's hands stilled. "You … are a very understanding person."

His voice was so low that Jude almost missed his words.

"In ways you might not expect," Jude commented, and Connor's head flew up in surprise. "But I don't think those are stories that either of us want to tell just yet."

Jude stayed silent while Connor pondered his statement.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"If we went to your house, could we order a pizza?"

"If you wanted to. I'm always in the mood for pizza."

"Then let's go," Connor said, reaching for his bag.

"If you're sure."

"I'm not a liar, Jude."

"I believe you. Come on, Gerald's just in the parking lot. Or did you need something from your room?"

"No. I've got it all."

They walked out the Gerald together. When they got into the car, Connor said a careful hello to Gerald. When Jude turned the key, the car started without a problem; as if it never had a problem starting.

"I think he likes you," Jude said.

Connor placed his hands against the dashboard. "I like him … I mean … he has character."

"That's why I bought him. That, and he was cheap. I didn't have a car my first year of university and so, when summer hit, I decided that I was done not having one and so I splurged eight hundred dollars on him."

"Fancy."

"Worth it. It gets me here to home as often as I want to go. Which isn't as often as it should be, all things considered, but, you know, that's the price, I guess. I still call my moms a lot."

"I talk to my dad every day," Connor revealed.

"Really?"

"Mostly after I finish classes. Other times, depending on his work, then it's before I go to bed for the night. They don't always last very long," Connor mused. "But they make him feel better."

"Do they make you feel better?" Jude asked.

Connor stared at out the window. He traced his finger along the edge of the door, trying to decide on his answer. He looked over at Jude's profile and said, "It's comforting."

"I can see that." Jude reached his hand across the dashboard and turned the radio on softly.

Connor didn't have anything to say and so he faced out the window again. The streets slowly became residential and Connor wondered what he was doing. He liked Jude, certainly; they were friends. He trusted Jude to a degree but he didn't know if he would be all right in this situation. This wasn't something that he had been able to think about in advance and talk about with his father or his therapist. Jude had asked and he had just decided, sitting in the study room, to not follow his terrified logic that would lead him into seclusion. The part of him that was still unguarded and soft, the part of him that still believed that his heart could lead in the right direction, told him to go. And Jude had said that whenever he wanted to go, he could go. That, Connor absolutely believed. He had a choice with Jude – he believed that too.

Jude turned on his blinker and they pulled into a gravel driveway. The house in front of Connor was nondescript – it was two stories, painted yellow. The spot where Jude was parked was a fairly small sliver. On the other side of the house, Connor could see a bigger driveway where there was another car parked.

"My land lady, Melanie's," Jude explained. "She and her six-year-old daughter live upstairs, but I barely see them. It works."

Connor nodded. The two of them got out of a car and followed a stone path down to the basement door. There was a small patio to the left of the door, on which there was a tiny barbeque with a bit of rust around it. There was a small bit of backyard to the house and it was fenced in.

"The yard is shared space," Jude said, fitting his key in the lock. "Like I warned you before, it's small."

"I live in a nano room," Connor reminded him.

Jude shrugged and swung the door open. He flicked a light switch just inside of the door and stepped inside. Connor hesitated on the doorstep for a second. If he asked to go back to campus now, Jude would take him. Connor swallowed. He didn't want to go back to campus. He stepped inside, looking around.

It was small, just as Jude warned him. Connor shut the door behind him, taking in the room before him. Just ahead of him, in an alcove on the left wall, was Jude's bed, which had curtains pulled half-shut around it. Two or three feet back from the bed, there was the kitchen. A counter with the sink in it stretched toward the centre of the room, dividing the kitchen space away from the living room area. There were four tall stools tucked under the counter, which, Connor assumed, made up for the lack of a dining room table. Jude had one large couch in the living room part, which was pointed at a semi-dated TV. On the far wall from Connor was a wooden dresser and an overcrowded bookshelf. He spotted one door near the back of the room.

Connor was distracted by an object directly to his right.

"Is this a hat stand?" he asked, reaching out to touch the long, skinny thing.

"Technically, I guess it would be a coat stand," Jude said. "There's no hall closet here for that kind of thing and Moms and I found it when we were hunting around thrift stores in May."

"That's really cool," Connor said.

"I like it, anyway. Um, I keep my takeout menus above the fridge if you want to find something for pizza. I just need to go to the washroom."

He disappeared behind the door.

Connor took his shoes off and placed them next to the sneakers Jude had just taken off. He padded forward along the hardwood and stepped into the kitchen, where the floor became tile. Another wall extended to divide the room a little more, making the kitchen a perfect square. It was a clean space, with several appliances lining the counter tops. Even though Jude had told him to find a pizza menu, Connor still felt like an invader as he opened the cupboard door and pulled down a thick stack of takeout menus. He began to sort through them and was still searching for a pizza place when Jude came back in the kitchen.

"Yeah, they're a bit of a mess, aren't they?" Jude said.

"A bit," Connor agreed.

Jude pulled himself to sit on the counter. "What's that dark blue one? In the middle of the stack?"

Connor pulled it free and there was a brightly printed pizza menu.

"Good guess."

"Or I just pathetically know my takeout menus too well."

Connor felt a smile creep onto his face. "I wasn't going to be the one to say it."

"So, what kind of pizza do you want?" Jude leant forward but, Connor noted, he was careful not to get too close to him.

"I don't have a pizza preference."

"Well, all I get on my pizza are olives, anchovies, and pizza sauce."

Connor faced Jude, feeling his eyebrows creep toward his hairline. Jude laughed.

"You have a pizza preference now, don't you?"

"Yes. One with cheese."

Jude laughed again. Connor liked seeing him laugh; Connor liked knowing that he was the one to make him laugh.

"Well, actually, I like pizza with lots of toppings," Jude said.

"I'm okay with what you want."

"You can tell me what you like, you know. I'm listening to you."

It was so strange to Connor to hear Jude say that. In his head, he knew that he was allowed to have an opinion. When he was with other people, though, he usually found himself deferring to who he was with, believing that their opinion had to be the proper opinion. The only other person he really had this kind of interaction with was Adam and Adam usually took at face value that Connor didn't have an opinion – or he didn't want to push Connor by insisting Connor make a choice.

"I don't really like, um, beef on my pizza."

"Sure. So, if we do a works without the ground beef, does that work for you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Do we want to get a drink?" Jude asked. "I'm in a root beer mood."

"That sounds good."

Jude smiled. "All right. I'll call. Feel free to sit on the couch or something. Don't feel like you have to stand in my kitchen."

Connor padded over to the dark brown couch and took a seat on the end that was furthest away from the kitchen. It was comfortable, if a little worn. There was a low coffee table in front of the couch, which had an old laptop sitting on the very edge along with a half-finished water bottle. Under both the couch and the table, there was a dark blue rug. Connor wasn't sure what to do with himself as Jude called in the pizza and gave the delivery driver his address. The call didn't take long, though, and Jude flopped down onto the other side of the couch, leaving the middle space fairly unoccupied.

"Should be here in about fifteen. Which is good, because I'm hungry."

"That's not good …"

"One thing I'll say about being with Taylor, though, is that she's such a good cook. I can kind of cook but usually I'm too lazy to do much more than make a sandwich."

"Cooking is …" Connor stopped, then recollected his thoughts. "It's something that makes sense to me. There's no guess work when you're following a recipe."

"Maybe I should hire you as my personal chef, then," Jude joked. "If you're good at it."

"Sometimes, I like to think so."

"If you ever decide you want a job, let me know first, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed.

He smiled, feeling the warmth of a moment of happiness overtake him. He had a friend to share jokes with. Spending time with Jude wasn't tense and demanding. Connor didn't feel like he had to be on his toes, desperate to get it right. The simplicity of Jude was intoxicating.

"Let's see if we can pick a movie. Usually it takes me forever to decide upon something. Are you in the mood for anything?"

"W-what about something funny?"

"Comedies are always good. I like the way you think."

There was so much in the simple statement that made Connor happy. Jude liked the way he thought. The way he thought was enough for Jude.

"Stop me if you see anything you like," Jude said, picking up his remote and bringing up movies on his T.V. screen.

Connor sat quietly, not saying a word, even as Jude flipped his way through the movies. They eventually looped back around to the beginning of the comedies section. Connor didn't have to turn his head to know that Jude was looking at him.

"What about stand-up comedy?" Jude asked. "There's usually a few good stand-up comedians to watch."

"Okay."

Connor leant against the arm of the couch. He could feel a certain kind of awkwardness creeping in. He wondered if Jude was getting tired of him yet. He wondered if Jude was regretting asking him over.

"What do you think of John Mulaney?" Jude asked, pausing at a comedy special. "Taylor really likes him."

"We can try it."

Connor could still feel Jude looking at him.

"Are you okay, Connor?"

"Yeah. I just feel … weird."

"Good weird or bad weird?" Jude asked.

"I'm not sure. I don't think it's bad."

"So long as we have that."

Jude was smiling at him again. Connor knew that smiles couldn't always be trusted. He wanted to believe in Jude's.

There was a knock at the door and Connor stood up. Jude watched as Connor slowly crossed the room to pay for the pizza, and then Jude realized that he should probably grab plates. He hated cleaning, though he also hated living in filth, and so if he could keep crumbs off his floor, he'd certainly do so. He got plates and glasses while Connor paid, half-listening to the slow conversation that he was having with the delivery man. Connor kept his words short and to the point, speaking in a voice so quiet that Jude missed most of what he said.

When Jude turned around to go back to the couch, he saw the large gap that existed between Connor and the other man. Jude's heart tugged. He understood pain and he understood abuse, but he didn't understand what Connor's brokenness was. He sat down on the couch, placing the plates and glasses at opposite ends. Jude made sure to school his features into a neutral mask for when Connor turned around, the pizza and root beer in his hands.

He put it carefully down on the table and Jude reached for the root beer immediately, pouring himself a glass, then he reached for Connor's.

"Thank you."

"Now, let's eat!"

Connor smiled, although whether it was at Jude's enthusiasm or at some thought that Jude wasn't privy to, Jude couldn't say. Connor flipped open the pizza box while Jude pressed play on the remote. While the TV slowly loaded the comedy special, Jude reached for a pizza slice with one hand and his root beer with the other. Instead of grabbing pizza, though, his fingers brushed along the back of Connor's hand. His skin was smooth and soft for the half-second that Jude touched it, and then Connor pulled away quickly. Jude realized that it was the first time that he'd actually touched Connor's skin.

"I'm sorry. I should've been paying more attention."

"No, no, it was my fault. I shouldn't have been in your way. I …" Connor's voice petered out, almost as if he'd been expecting to be cut off.

"Your pizza, you were there first. It's okay, Connor. Go ahead."

Connor glanced at the pizza and then back at Jude. "I really … I can't. Please. Just take the first slice."

Jude didn't want to push his new friend. He could recognize that Connor's limits were being pushed just by being here and he didn't want to make Connor upset. He wanted Connor to feel comfortable with him, if only because Jude was a little selfish in wanting to spend more time with the other boy. He took the first slice and put it on his plate. Connor then reached forward, his hands shaking violently, and took the second slice.

"Thank you," Connor whispered.

"I want you to feel comfortable. So, thank you for telling me how to do that."

Connor didn't have a response, but Jude watched as his expression became less anxious and more relaxed. By the time they had eaten their fill of pizza and the comedy special was over, Connor was smiling again. He'd even laughed a time or two. When the end credits began, Connor turned to Jude.

"Tell Taylor she has good taste in comedians."

"Taylor thinks she has good taste in everything."

Jude tucked his legs up on the couch and faced Connor. Connor angled his body into him.

"What are you thinking?"

Connor hesitated. "You're going to laugh at me."

"I won't. I promise."

"I was thinking about how it's Sunday night and I haven't done any of Kroger's readings yet."

"We can start. It's not too late."

"I thought you weren't in a studying mood."

"Play, then work. That's my philosophy, anyway. Besides, now I've eaten. Who could focus on an empty stomach?"

"I guess I see your point."

"That's all I'm asking for. Let's hit the books."

Connor retrieved his books and his laptop and then he and Jude set up on the couch, slowly turning to more stories about the ancient Greek gods and goddesses. They read in silence, sometimes comparing notes and asking the other questions. Where Connor was meticulous in his studying, Jude was a little more chaotic about it.

"Were the ancient Greeks running out of names?" Jude asked.

"What?"

"Well, they use the same names a couple of times but not to mean the same people. Without decent context, how do you know who's who?"

"Most of the name doubles are just minor figures," Connor murmured.

"I'm just saying that it's annoying to read." Jude shrugged and snapped his book shut. "At least we're not expected to read forty thousand chapters a week for this class."

"I … I don't think that's expected for any class."

"Sometimes it feels like it." Jude sighed and stretched his arms above his head.

On the coffee table, Connor's phone began to buzz and light up. Jude could clearly read the contact name: Dad.

"Excuse me," Connor murmured and reached for it.

Jude collected their dirty plates and glasses and went into the kitchen. He'd like to say that he was a decent enough person that he wasn't purposefully eavesdropping on Connor with his father – it was just that his apartment was small and sound carried well and, really, it was human nature to listen to conversations. Truthfully, he was just so curious about Connor that he was intentionally trying to catch every word.

"Hi, Dad … No, I'm not home … I, um, Jude and I, um, decided to study at h-his apartment. We ... No, Dad. We bought pizza and watched a comedy too … Yes, Dad. Like that … Soon … Um, yeah. N-no matter when … You too, Dad … No, it's not like that. I understand why. Bye."

Even though Jude knew Connor hand hung up the phone, he still made himself look busy in and around the kitchen. From the corner of his eye, he watched Connor carefully pack up his bag and then walk slowly to the mouth of the kitchen.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?" He turned to face Connor.

"W-would it be okay if I went home now?"

It hurt Jude that Connor felt like he had to ask. It killed him to think that Connor had probably been told 'no' to that question before. He tried to make his response upbeat, but also casual, like he wasn't trying too hard to make Connor feel at ease. It was a very hard line for Jude to make logical sense of, let alone actually walk. "I told you – you're free to come and go as you please. Do you want to check the bus time or do you want me to drive you?"

"Oh, I, um. If it's not too much trouble," Connor said, staring at the floor the entire time, "I'd like a drive. I really don't like the bus."

"I don't blame you there," Jude said. "Come on, jet's go."

He grabbed his keys and shoved his feet in his well-beaten sneakers. Connor seemed in a rush to get his shoes on and be waiting by the door for when Jude seemed ready to leave. Jude waited until they were in the car to speak again.

"I hope my apartment wasn't too scary."

"Not as scary as I thought it would be," Connor admitted. His voice was one of someone lost in thought when he mused, "I think I want to find you scarier than you are."

"That's good, I guess."

Connor let out a gasp and faced Jude in the confines of the car. "Not that I find you scary! At all! Jude, you're nice and it's not like you scare me! I know being scary isn't good and I never meant to say that you're bad –"

"Connor, it's all right. I think I know what you meant. I'm not mad."

"Oh."

Jude took his eyes off the road to glance at Connor, who was sitting ramrod straight in his seat now, his eyes staring directly ahead. He laced his fingers in his lap. Jude refocused on the well-lit road ahead of him.

"I'm happy you don't think I'm a scary person," Jude added.

"I like being your friend, Jude," Connor confessed. "I'm just not … good … with … anything."

"I think you're good at being a friend."

"You barely know me."

"Then you must be a good friend if I can tell already," Jude countered. He pulled into the parking lot next to Connor's dorm. He turned to look at Connor, wanting to say something else, but he had no idea what to say.

Connor seemed equally as hesitant to get out the car. "I … I did like spending time at your apartment, Jude. Thank you for understanding."

"Friendships should be safe places."

"… Yeah," Connor agreed.

Connor touched the door handle and then pulled his hand back. The realization hit Jude instantly.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Connor said, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't known how to say goodbye or goodnight or how to excuse himself from the car. He wasn't trying to escape but he knew that sitting in the car for too long was a strange thing to do. "See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight. Get home safely."

"I'll let you know."

Connor let himself out of the passenger side, carefully collecting his bag. He made the short trek into his dorm building. After swiping his key and getting in the front door, he turned to see Jude pull out of the parking lot. Connor couldn't move until he saw Jude's car disappear completely. He knew that if he'd turned his back and went to his room, Jude couldn't have possibly have known which room was his. Jude couldn't glean any information from Connor walking further inside of the building, but Connor's legs had locked him in place until he knew that he was alone and that he wasn't being watched as he ascended the stairs to his room. He could have taken the elevator but, heading up to the eleventh floor, he was less likely to find company if he was on the stairs. He made it to his room without seeing another person. After completing his rituals of checking all of the windows and door, he called his father.

"I'm home now, Dad."

"Safely?"

"Yes. I'm okay."

Adam anxiously demanded more details about how Connor had ended up at Jude's.

"He didn't pressure me, Dad. Not at all. I felt like I had a choice. Jude isn't … Jude is his own person. Not like … anyone else."

"I worry about you."

"I know." Connor put his phone on speaker and slowly began to put his pyjamas on. He turned his back on his phone, the creeping feeling that he didn't want to complete this conversation overtaking him.

"You've made mistakes with judgement in the past, Connor, and look at what happened to you! Look at what it did to you! You _need_ to be careful with who you place your trust in."

Connor felt sick anger in his chest. Had he been face to face with his father, he probably would have shut down. Instead, Connor quietly said, "I don't trust you."

"Connor –"

"You're all I have. But I don't trust you." Connor closed his eyes.

"But you trust this boy Jude?"

"I trust him not to hurt me. But that's not the same as trusting someone. I'm _trying_. I'm trying so hard. I talk to you and I follow your rules and my therapist is optimistic. I'm doing all that I can do right now!"

"I recognize that."

"Do you?"

"I'm doing all _I_ can!" Adam responded. "January, Connor, that's when you came home! I've only known you for nine months!"

"That's not my fault!"

" _You_ ran away! _You_ left my house! I dragged _you_ back kicking and screaming once before and you see how well that worked out! Like hell it's _my_ fault."

Connor felt his face start to crumble. _No, keep it in. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry_. He tried to school his features down, knowing that emotions weren't encouraged. The only place that Connor had been allowed to feel was in the safety of his mother's arms. He didn't remember that now. The vice arms of another were too strong in his mind. Connor swallowed and choked out a reply.

"I'm home now. Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, Connor. I love you."

Connor had heard that before and that voice overshadowed Adam's for a moment.

"You too," he said. "Bye."

He hung up the phone and, not even sitting on his bed, he just sat on the floor. He took deep gasping breaths, trying to shove everything down into the darkest parts of him where he could not touch it. His therapist was trying to get him to work through everything that had happened, to open it up and free it from himself, but Connor couldn't do that at all yet. He just shoved his memories down further and further, even as he was losing himself in a barrage of things that he couldn't forget, even if he tried. He had one hand grasping at his torso, knowing what was beneath the grey shirt he slept in.

His phone buzzed once on the counter and Connor almost jumped out of his skin. He knew who the text _wouldn't_ be from – it had been years since he'd had that number – but his hands were still trembling as he focused on the screen.

 **Jude: made it home. Goodnight.**

 **Connor: goodnight.**

He plugged his phone into the charger and made himself go to bed. He laid there in the darkness, trembling and sick, for far too long, but he knew that he could do nothing else. He pulled his blankets tightly around himself and told himself to just go to sleep. It would all be brighter in the morning. He didn't believe the lie. He'd told it to himself many times before and it always got darker.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Locked Out_** **by Megan & Liz. If you have a song that reminds you of ****_Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	6. Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop

**Dad: can you call me? Please?**

 **Connor: I'm going to class**

 **Dad: I'm really sorry for last night. I didn't mean to be so angry. Or imply that any part of what happened to you was your fault.**

 **Connor: thanks**

 **Dad: it wasn't your fault**

 **Connor: you were right. I left your house. I stayed where I was and didn't do anything. It's not your fault that you don't know me**

 **Dad: yes it is**

 **Dad: but I don't want this to be a text conversation. Can you please call me when your classes are over today?**

 **Connor: okay**

 **Dad: have a good day**

 **Connor: you too**

Connor put his phone in his bag just as Jude dropped into the seat next to him. Jude took one glance at him and asked if he was all right, which Connor had to do a double take at. He didn't think of himself as a person that was easy to read.

"I … I'm fine."

"You look a little down."

"I don't really want talk about it."

"Sure …" Jude was still staring at him. "You know, there's this place I'd like to show you on campus when class is over."

"All right." Connor tried to put enthusiasm in his voice. He wanted to be happy for Jude. He wanted to be the type of person that Jude was, because hanging out with someone like Jude was easy and enjoyable. Connor couldn't see how hanging out with someone like him was anything but draining.

"If we're having lunch today."

"Yes," Connor said quickly. "Yes."

"Good morning!" Kroger called loudly from the front.

Connor looked down at his notebook, happy to have something to lose himself in, even if it was for only about an hour. Taking notes and listening to the lives of people that _weren't_ him was what he needed right now. The movement of his pen kept him focused on the academic world. After two pages of notes, Connor was disappointed when Kroger called the class to a close and wished them a happy rest of their Monday. Connor slowly packed up his notebook and Jude waited patiently.

"I'm sorry. I don't really feel like talking today."

"Do you want to be alone?" Jude asked. "Or do you want me to just talk to you?"

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Not at all! Like I said, there's somewhere that I'd like to show you."

"All right. Let's go."

Connor wondered if Jude could find anything to talk about as they walked across campus. After all, they'd spent a lot of yesterday together. And Jude did a lot of talking anyway. Connor wondered if he'd run out of words. Jude didn't. Instead, he told a story about accidentally finding the place they were going to in his first year and how it had become his study spot because it was very out of the way for most students and so it didn't often get very busy. He managed to tell Connor all of this without giving away where they were actually going. Jude casually led him to a building that was definitely one of the older ones on campus and then they took the stairs down to the basement. Connor would have been nervous, then, if, when they reached the bottom of the stairs, the basement didn't immediately open into a homey café.

"They have the best cookies here. And what's better than a cookie when you're feeling upset?"

Connor honestly had a moment where he felt so overwhelmed by the basic show of decency that Jude had. Jude was compassionate and understanding. There was a lump in Connor's throat as Jude told him to pick any type of cookie that he wanted; this time, it was Jude's treat.

"I'm sure there'll be a time when you repay the favour."

"Chocolate chip, please."

"Why don't you grab a table?" Jude suggested. "I know I said this place was out of the way but it's not a secret and around lunch it can get kind of busy."

Connor hunted out a couple of comfortable chairs with a table between them. He took his lunch out of his bag but he didn't start eating. He waited for Jude to come over. When he did, he was carrying two plates which, in Connor's opinion, looked much too big to hold one cookie each. Jude sat them down on the table and then took his seat. Since Jude was here, Connor didn't feel guilty about taking the lid off of his salad.

"Ah, ah," he said. "Sad day rules."

"S-sad day rules?"

"And a plus side to these cookies begin nearly the size of your face." Jude took his seat and brandished a plastic knife. "Do you mind?"

"Uh. No?"

Jude carefully both of their cookies in half. "One half before actual lunch and one half after. How sad can you really be if you eat dessert first?"

"Does it actually work?"

"Only one way to find out," Jude said. "I just thought of it when I was in line."

"I thought you said it was a rule."

"Rules start somewhere."

Jude lifted half of his cookie and tilted it toward Connor. Connor picked up his half of the cookie and they clicked the edges together, as if they were toasting with glasses. He gently bit into the softness of the cookie and the taste made him feel a bit better. He saw Jude smirk.

"See? It's the perfect thing for a bad day."

"Thank you for bringing me here."

"It's actually bribery. I was going to bring you here no matter what. These cookies always put people in a good mood."

Connor stared. He couldn't tell if Jude were serious or not. It was as if Jude could read it on his face.

"There is something I wanted to bring up to you. And give you time to decide."

Connor put down the cookie.

"Not a bad thing! There's a small theatre close to campus and on Saturday night they're doing, like, a seventies movie night. I just wanted to know if you'd like to go. You know, hang out with me a bit more."

"Why?"

"'Cause I like spending time with you."

"W-why not invite someone else?"

"Because while there's plenty of people around here that I like, there's no one that I really hang out with outside of work or whatever. I like spending time with you. If you like spending time with me."

"Oh. Yeah. Um …"

"It's not until Saturday night. So you've time to think about it, anyway," Jude said. "I think they're showing three movies, but I know that's a long time to just sit so we can leave after movie one or two or whatever works for us."

"I'll think about," Connor decided.

"That's all I'm asking."

Connor finished off his first half of the cookie and moved on to his sandwich. Jude chewed and simultaneously talked about how Kroger's lecture was actually better due to reading the book ahead of time.

"Not that I'm going to pick up the habit," Jude said. "I can procrastinate on my other classes."

Jude chattered on happily about one of his psychology classes and Connor was more than happy to just listen. He brought up Taylor and said that, over text, she had seemed more subdued than she usually was and he was beginning to worry about her.

"If she doesn't start acting like herself soon, I'll have to text Daria and see if there's something she's not telling me. I know she won't like us talking behind her back but if she won't tell me …" Jude stopped and shrugged. "We should probably head for class now. It's a further walk from here."

Connor agreed and they collected their garbage. Once they were outside and walking, Connor said, "I'm sure she'll be all right."

"Me too. I'd just rather help her, if I can."

Jude was sweet like that. They said goodbye in front of Connor's next class with the promise of lunch on Wednesday. Connor spent the rest of the day dedicated to his notes, not looking forward to when he finished classes. He didn't want to talk to his father. He didn't want to talk about the things that he knew his father would insist on talking about. But Connor would let him talk. Connor would let the discussion happen. He knew better than to say no. He knew better than to try to take some semblance of control. Before Connor knew it, he was standing in his dorm room again. He tried to procrastinate on telling his father that he was home, but he only got as far as flipping out his desk and making a cup of coffee before his brain wouldn't let him do anything else. There was a very loud voice in his head insisting that his father knew what time he got back from class and that his father would be angry that Connor hadn't told him the moment he arrived home.

 **Connor: I'm home**

 **Dad: Can we Skype now? I'd like to talk to you as face to face as possible.**

 **Connor: whenever you're ready.**

In moments, his laptop was ringing at him. Connor answered the call and then he cupped his hands around his warm coffee mug, needing to hold onto something. He stared at his father, though. Adam looked a professional businessman – he was in a black suit with a plain tie; his dark hair, though streaked with grey, was perfectly in place; and his bit of facial hair was well-groomed. The image would have been perfect, were it not for the expression on his face. Connor wondered if his father had ever shown such emotion in the office.

"How was your day?" Adam asked.

"It was … the same. What about you?"

"I've been thinking about you, Connor."

Connor took a careful sip of his coffee. He knew it was rude to not to answer, but he couldn't think of anything halfway intelligent to say.

"I feel terrible."

"No, you don't need to," Connor quickly assured him. "I'm sorry, you're right. It's my fault. I didn't have to do what I did or be who I was. I could have been different."

"You don't need to be different. You never needed to be different. The fault was mine and always has been. If I had understood you … If I had tried … Then you and Le –"

"Don't say it," Connor pleaded. "I don't want to hear it."

"I'm sorry, I should've realized. Thinking it hurts me too. Thinking of what you went through for five years. If I had been a father to you, then none of it would have happened. I wish you still had your mother."

"Me too," Connor admitted. "But you aren't the worst father ever."

"I will always be sorry for not accepting you when you first came out. I'll always be sorry for rejecting you. I had this idea in my head of who you should be and that was unfair to you. That's not how a parent should think. I practically pushed you out the door and into that life. And then I just let you go. And if I hadn't decided to look for you, if I hadn't gone to see you in December …"

Adam's voice stopped abruptly, and Connor studied his father's expression. He had only ever seen Adam cry once and though he looked agonized now, Connor didn't see any tears reflected in his eyes. Connor was glad for that. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if Adam cried.

"If you hadn't come to see me in December then I wouldn't be sitting here."

"You wouldn't have been in the hospital room either," Adam said.

"I might be actually dead by now," Connor replied. "The hospital room was a lot better than where I was before. Even with the … the … everything."

He ghosted his hand along his abdomen, though it was out of frame and Adam couldn't see it.

"I know you don't like talking about this with me and I hope things are going better with your therapist." Adam paused, but it took Connor a moment to pick up on the cue.

"Oh, oh, yeah. She says that I'm doing really well. That, um, there's some stuff that I keep too inside but that she's happy with my progress."

"I'm happy to hear that too. I know you probably don't want to talk about this kind of thing with me but I want you to know that I'm here to listen to you now. I'm going to do better than I did."

"I know. You've said."

"But you don't trust me?" Adam asked flatly.

"I don't think I really trust anyone. It's not because you're you. I know that if I need you then you'll be there now. It's just bringing myself to rely on that."

"It was a long five years apart," Adam agreed. "We've got a long time ahead of us to figure it out, though."

Connor nodded. "Do you feel better now?"

Adam sighed. "This wasn't a conversation to make _me_ feel better."

"Then what was it?"

Adam seemed at a loss to explain. He stared at Connor for a moment and then he said, "Can we talk about Jude for a moment?"

Connor felt a flare of annoyance that Adam wasn't going to try to explain what the conversation was supposed to be to him. He hated not understanding something. When he understood the world, when people told him what things meant and what they expected of him, it was easier to navigate. When he knew what people wanted to hear, it was easier to tell them just that. It made the world a lot more tolerable to navigate. He hated the feeling of not being told. Being confused and on edge had been his way of life for so long that now those feelings made him physically sick. But he didn't push the issue. He couldn't. Adam had made it clear that it was time to move on and that was a rule that Connor could follow.

"We can talk about whatever you want."

"I just worry that you're feeling vulnerable and that he's taking advantage of it, whether or not he's doing it on purpose is something else entirely. I don't want to see this … friendship … move too quickly."

"I don't … understand," Connor said.

"What part?"

"It's only a friendship. And … and … if I were different, if I weren't me, then you wouldn't say that, would you? I met a friend. We study together. We watched a movie at his apartment once. I've known him for nearly three weeks now."

"You're not someone else," Adam pointed out. "You're _you_. And I have to worry about you because of that."

"I'm sorry to make you worry. I don't mean to. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Connor, it's all right. I'm your father and I'm finally doing that job. I'd just like to stay updated on your life. I know that not staying here was the best choice for you and I know you say you're doing well there. I want that for you. I just want to be a part of your life now that you have the chance to have a real life again."

"We talk every day. Do you want more than that? I can do more and be better and –"

"No, Connor, no. You're doing just fine with the way that things are. I just want to make sure you're actually talking to me."

"I'm telling you as much as I'm able."

"That's all I ask. I have some more work to do, if there's nothing else you want to talk about."

"No. Oh, maybe."

Adam paused. He readjusted himself in his large desk chair and waited for Connor to continue.

"Jude asked me to go to the movies on Saturday."

"Like a date?" Adam asked.

Connor was quickly shaking his head. "No. Just as friends."

"Are you asking my permission?"

Connor's breath caught. He hadn't thought of that. "Do I need to?"

"No, of course not. You're an adult. Even if you weren't, I forfeited my right to police you when you were fifteen. I'm just here to give you advice when you want it and help you in the right direction. I want us to be able to be friends."

"It would be all right to go to the movies with him, wouldn't it, Dad? You said I was vulnerable. You said that this friendship might be moving too fast. I don't want to make more mistakes. I'm scared."

"You're smart. You know what's right and you know what you're doing. If Jude is your friend and someone you're able to trust, even a little, then it's not wrong to spend time with him. I'd like you to make more than one friend, but I know that's not exactly in your control. I think it's good that he's getting you out of your room. You spend too much time alone."

"I'm still enjoying being alone," Connor said. "And learning to be okay with being alone."

"You know what's best for you. Maybe talk it over with Dr. Scott on Thursday if you're still unsure."

Connor nodded. "Thanks. I'll let you get back to work now."

"Bye, Connor. I love you."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hung up the Skype call. He stared blankly at his generic desktop photo and then did his best to push everything out of his mind. He had homework to do.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Falling In love In A Coffee Shop_** **by Landon Pigg. If you have a song that reminds you of** ** _Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	7. Demons

"Jason, I am telling you that we are out of Doritos stock! The order is coming in first thing tomorrow and we will not have riots about it!"

Jason flipped the penny that he was balancing on his thumb and caught it out of mid-air. "Check again. The bags on the shelves are getting low."

Jude ground his back teeth together but he didn't say a word. Fighting with Jason was always fruitless and the last thing that he wanted was a reputation for being argumentative while at work. It was a slow morning, as most Saturdays were, and if Jason wanted him to make sure all over again that there were no boxes of Doritos in the back, then he'd make sure that they had no Doritos. He left Jason playing with the penny behind the cash register and headed to the back room. He had to pass by the manager's cramped office on the way.

"Hey, Jude!" Melissa cried. "What time did you start?"

"Six."

"Had your break yet?"

Jude shook his head.

"You're here until two, right?"

"As usual."

"Okay, go take your break. I'll go tell Jason."

"Thanks."

Jude ducked into the smallest room in the building, which served as a cramped staff room. It had one couch, a small table with a microwave on it, and several hooks to hang coats and bags off of. Jude grabbed his backpack, turning on his phone before he even started digging his lunch out. To his surprise, he had a text from Connor. The two of them texted rarely and, thus far, Connor hadn't initiated any of their conversations.

 **Connor: what time are the movies tonight?**

 **Jude: first one starts at five**

Jude bit into his apple and stared at the phone screen in front of him, hope bubbling in his stomach. Connor hadn't said a word about the movies since Jude had asked, and neither had Jude. He hadn't wanted to push Connor into doing something, though he was aware that it would be easy to do. Jude knew that if he strung the words together correctly, Connor would feel trapped to say 'yes' even where nearly anybody else would have the ability to say 'no'. Jude hated the thought of doing that. He _liked_ Connor. He didn't want Connor to ever feel obligated to spend time with him. He didn't ever want to be the kind of person that took away another's choices.

 **Connor: I'd like to go. If you still want to go.**

 **Jude: yeah! We can walk to the theatre from yours. Meet you outside at 430?**

 **Connor: okay. See you then.**

Jude could have danced. He knew it wasn't a date. The likelihood that he would ever actually date Connor was nearly nothing, but that hardly mattered to Jude. He had a crush on a boy, a beautiful boy that was like no other person he'd ever met, and the very thought of spending more time with him made Jude feel as if he were walking on air. Not even Jason could bother him throughout the rest of the day, although Jason, as always, tried desperately to be a bother. Jason didn't budge from behind the cash register, leaving everything else to be attended to by Jude. Jude mopped up the spills, kept track of the stock, and did everything else that popped up. Two o'clock appeared before Jude was aware that much time had passed.

He headed home quickly, showering and getting ready. The hour and a half that he had left to waste ticked by slowly, though Jude spent most of it watching _The X-Files_. When it was ten after four, Jude got left his apartment, locking the door behind him. He got into his car and greeted it quietly.

"Hello, Gerald."

It seemed to him that the car had been a lot more agreeable since receiving a name. Jude knew that it was probably just a biased way of thinking and that a car's problems wouldn't be fixed by some coddling. Still, Jude only had to try once before the car was up and running and Jude was on his way to Connor. Jude usually enjoyed his drive to campus, as the land itself was quite pretty. This time, the world was in a blur. There was just something about today, about right now, that was making Jude feel happy and optimistic. And when he pulled up to the parking lot by the nano dorms and spotted Connor already standing outside, Jude smiled.

"Hey!" he called, expecting Connor to smile at him.

Instead, Connor just looked nervous. It was an expression that only got worse the closer that Jude got to him.

"Is everything all right, Connor? We don't have to go to the movie."

"I want to. I, um …" Connor looked down at the ground and blurted out, "I'm in therapy."

"I hope it's helping you."

"I'm working on a few things," Connor said. Carefully and slowly, he continued, "And you're my friend. So, I don't want this to seem as weird as it feels in my head. She just suggested that, because we're friends, you'd be okay with helping me."

"Of course I would! What is it?"

"You know I don't like to be touched. But, um, little touches are things I'm going to have to get used to. So …" Connor took a deep breath and his hand trembled as he held it out to Jude.

Jude knew what Connor was offering and so he took Connor's hand. For the space of five seconds, they shook hands. Connor's hands were softer than Jude would have thought, although he could feel some calluses on his palms and fingers. Then, Connor's grip slackened and Jude knew better than to push it. He released Connor, whose hand was free of trembles as it floated back down to his side.

"Ready to head to the theatre?" Jude asked brightly.

"Thanks for understanding."

"I keep telling you, that's what friends are for."

"You won't mind if we try it again?"

"Whenever you want," Jude said.

Connor nodded, a small smile on his face. They set off together in the direction of the theatre.

"Do you know what's playing?" Connor asked.

"Well, it's the 70s. So, _Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Rocky Horror Picture Show,_ and _Carrie._ The original _Carrie."_

"Those are weird movies to put together, aren't they?"

Jude shrugged. "I've only ever seen _Rocky Horror_. And the last remake of _Carrie_."

"I've never seen any of the remakes. Or any of tonight's movies."

"Then it'll be an adventure for both of us."

Jude held the door of the theatre open for Connor, who hesitantly took a few steps inside. He paused inside the door and waited for Jude to catch up to him. Jude showed the tickets he'd bought to the usher and the usher waved them inside.

"Where would you like to sit?" Jude asked.

"Up in the back? I don't like …"

"Yeah, okay," Jude agreed. "You don't need to explain. Go find somewhere you're comfy with. I'm following you."

Connor headed up the stairs and though Jude knew that he shouldn't, he couldn't help but watch the way that Connor looked as he walked. Connor took a seat in the far back corner so that he had Jude on one side, a person in front of him, and walls on all the others. As Jude sat down, he ran his hand over his face and through his hair. His brain could hardly process how attractive Connor was.

"You don't want popcorn or anything do you?" Jude asked. Better to focus on something else. "We should get it now if you do."

"Do you? What do you think?"

"I don't want anything right now. Maybe between the first and the second movie. If you want to stay for the second."

"Oh, okay. We'll see," Connor agreed.

The lights dimmed and the two of them lapsed into silence as _Monty Python_ began to play. The movie, as most from the 70s did, showed its age. It didn't stop Jude from enjoying the movie. He even laughed at most of the jokes and found that he very much liked most of the actors on screen. When the credits rolled and Jude asked Connor about it, Connor shook his head.

"Some of it was funny. Some of it … I just felt like I was missing out on the joke."

"Not a good feeling," Jude said. "How about popcorn now? Or, hey, did you eat dinner? I know they have some more food-like things out front."

"I didn't eat. Um, here. You bought the tickets." He pulled out his wallet, giving Jude a twenty.

Jude wanted to assure him that he didn't owe Jude anything, but Jude knew how Connor was thinking. He didn't want Connor to feel indebted to him anyway; it would throw their new and fragile friendship far out of balance.

"Anything in particular you want?"

Connor shook his head and Jude joined the large crowd of people heading for the concessions. There was half an hour between films and it took Jude nearly twenty of them to get to the front and order. Luckily, nachos, popcorn, and two ridiculously sized vats of Coca-Cola didn't take long for the frazzled concessions employee to push over the counter to him. Jude gathered his order in a balancing act that he was a little impressed with.

"I hope you're not opposed to Coke," Jude said when he reached Connor again.

"No. Thank you."

"Were you bored up here all by yourself?" Jude teased.

"No." Connor's eyes lowered. "Actually … I was eavesdropping. It's strange."

"What is?"

"Everyone has their own lives. Things you'll never know or be a part of. It's nice to realize that the world is bigger than what happens in your life."

"Your life matters too though. It doesn't just get lost in the vastness." Jude carefully balanced the nacho tray on the armrest that they shared and took the first chip. "It's all to share, by the way. Hope you don't mind. I can get you your own if you'd prefer."

"I'm okay with sharing with you," Connor said. "And, yeah, I guess what happens to us personally will always matter most to us. I just like being reminded that it's not the only thing."

"I see your point."

The lights began to dim.

"Now, strap in. _Rocky Horror_ is an adventure."

By the time that _Rocky Horror_ 's credits rolled, Jude could tell that Connor had not found the movie to be an adventure.

When Jude asked what he thought, the only thing that Connor could say was, "I can't process what I just saw."

"Want to stay for _Carrie_ or are you tired?"

"I don't know," Connor murmured. "What do you want?"

"I can take it or leave it. I don't mind horror, but I really don't think _Carrie_ is one of those movies that a person absolutely has to see or they will die with their life unfulfilled. Are you okay with horror movies? Though apparently this isn't all that scary."

"Horror doesn't bother me. It's _supposed_ to be scary."

"Fair point. Oh, well, we can try it. There's no law saying that we _have_ to stay through the entire movie. Popcorn?"

Jude tilted the bag and Connor took a few pieces.

"I'm glad you decided to hang out with me tonight."

"My room gets boring," Connor said.

"I knew it had nothing to do with me," Jude teased.

Connor looked utterly bewildered when he looked at Jude, and Jude couldn't tell whether or not he was acting when he said, "No. Why would it?"

"You know, mean people don't get popcorn," Jude said, shifting the bag away from Connor.

"You know, mean people withhold popcorn," Connor said.

"Touché," Jude replied. "Popcorn rights restored."

Connor gratefully took a few more pieces of popcorn. Jude filled Connor in on the details of a psych study that he was participating in as they waited for _Carrie_ to start. Connor listened intently to every word and Jude realized that was another thing that he liked about Connor. It seemed that, no matter what Jude talked about, Connor listened like it was the most vital information that he had ever heard. It was nice to feel like what he was saying was important, even when Jude was more than aware that he was talking about something trivial.

"Are you sure you want to stay for this?" Jude asked, even as the lights began to go down for the final time.

"Yeah," Connor said. "I'm sure."

Jude settled in. Immediately, Jude thought that the acting in this one was a little cornier than it had been in the first two movies. He leant the bag of popcorn against their shared arm rest and they both continued to pick at it. The first time they reached into the bag at the same time, Connor flinched away the moment that he felt Jude's touch. The second time, Jude could feel Connor tense up but Jude moved out of his way. The popcorn was done before the movie was halfway done and Jude shoved the empty bag under his chair. He wasn't really watching the screen but something tense must have happened, because he felt Connor's hand touch his arm. Jude sat up immediately.

"Everything okay?" he whispered.

"Jump scares and I aren't always friends," Connor said.

Jude nodded his understanding. When the movie was at its tense part, Jude was mildly unimpressed. Connor, though, seemed to be caught up in the film – or maybe he wasn't as good with horror as he had originally said. Jude felt Connor's hand encircle his wrist and Jude leant toward him. Connor's hand loosened.

"No, it's all right. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Strangely, better like this."

Connor's hand flexed around Jude's wrist.

"I don't mind," Jude assured him.

Connor kept his hand there as the movie, with its abundance of clearly fake blood, drew to a close. Jude was disappointed as Connor lifted his hand away. His skin had grown warm where they had been connected. Jude wished they'd held hands – _really_ held hands. His brain hissed that they likely never would, but Jude would have liked to keep his daydream alive. He wanted to text Taylor about it when he got back to his apartment but, with how strange she'd been acting recently, Jude felt terrible for texting her about something like this. He hated the idea that texting Taylor was something he couldn't do. He hated more the idea that there was something that she wasn't telling him; it was clearly a big something too.

"Something on your mind?" Connor asked.

"Um, overthinking, I guess. Ready to go?"

"Yeah."

"So, what'd you think?" Jude asked.

"The seventies are not my favourite movie era," Connor said.

"That's fair. Maybe I'll get you on eighties night."

"When's eighties night?"

"They do theme nights once a month. They generate them on the computer and it makes sure that they don't repeat one per school year."

"That's interesting."

"Maybe," Jude agreed, laughing a little as he realized just how boring it was. "Next time we hang out we can –"

"Study," Connor interrupted. "Oh, sorry. I just … if you still wanted to study for Kroger's class together."

"Of course I do. Monday night this time? My work schedule tomorrow just awkwardly cuts up my day."

"Okay," Connor agreed.

"But, seriously, studying and movies can get old fast. We should think of something else to do too."

"You know this place better than I do," Connor said.

"That's fair. Okay, I'll come up with something." Jude paused in front of the entrance to the nano dorms. "Despite your hatred of the seventies, I hope tonight was good."

Connor nodded. "Yeah."

"Goodnight. I'll see you in class tomorrow."

"Night."

Connor held out his hand again and Jude gently shook it. This time, it felt longer. The simple feel of Connor's fingers had Jude in more of a mess than he thought possible. Standing in the light of the many street lights that surrounded the dorm and the parking lot, Jude wondered what it would be like to kiss Connor. It would be too much to try, he knew that. Connor let go of his hand in a hurry. Still, Jude wondered.

Connor turned to go inside and Jude knew that was his cue to slip back to his car and drive home alone.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Demons_** **by Imagine Dragons (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** ** _Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	8. Show Me What I'm Looking For

Connor was back on Jude's couch. They had another comedy special going in the background as they studied, which Connor had originally found a little distracting, but he was now able to tune it out. Jude had said that he liked studying with some noise on in the background and Connor could deal with it. And since they were in Jude's apartment, Connor knew that he had to be more respectful to Jude's rules. It was his space and he go to decide what happened here. They were sitting cross-legged facing one another and one of Jude's knees was against Connor's knee. They hadn't sat like this originally, but Jude had leant forward to show Connor something in his book and their knees had brushed, and know they were staying that way. At the first contact, Connor's heart had flown into his throat and had started thrumming. He'd barely been able to understand what Jude was saying about the reading. But they had been sitting like this for nearly an hour now and, though Connor's leg was cramping, he didn't want to move. He was getting used to touching Jude in small, insignificant ways. He was beginning to find that he might even like it when it came to Jude; he thought that it might mean something that it was only Jude that he could handle this with.

"The words are starting to blur for me. I swear, Kroger gave us extra reading this week."

"Not much more than usual," Connor said slowly, flipping the pages that they had been assigned this week and guessing, "Maybe an extra twenty pages or so."

Jude made a small noise and keeled forward in frustration, his head almost low enough to rest on Connor's other knee. He was so close that Connor could feel the heat from his body and Connor took a moment to study the back of his head. Connor hesitated, but he knew what he was supposed to be working on. He reached out and gently patted Jude on the shoulder. Connor's nerves settled when one of Jude's hands didn't flash up to grab his wrist, roughly demanding to know what he was doing. Jude seemed to relax when Connor touched him, and then he sighed softly and sat up, leaning his elbow on one of his knees. He picked up his book, made a face, and he met Connor's eyes.

"Let's finish this," he said. "We'll never start again if we take a break."

"You mean that you won't?" Connor said, although he didn't know if he _could_ say it or if Jude would fight him on it, demanding what he was trying to imply. He didn't think that Jude would do something like that, but sometimes Connor's head got mixed up and he had to take a step back and try to separate the fact that Jude was not like anyone from his past. Just because Connor's fear _wanted_ to see Jude that way, didn't mean that Jude was anything like that.

"Yeah, I'll never open another textbook again if we don't get through these last hundred pages."

"Nine pages," Connor corrected, checking his book. "Eight and a half, really."

"It doesn't sound so bad when you say it," Jude mused.

"Eight and a half pages. And then we can actually pay attention and see if this comedian is any good."

"Fair," Jude said. "Though it'll take forever."

"Fifteen minutes," Connor said.

"I'll take that bet," Jude said. "If you're right, I'll get up and make grilled cheese for supper. But if you're wrong, you have to do it."

"That's not really a hard bet," Connor said.

"Speak for yourself. It would take a minor miracle to get me off this couch right now." Jude tapped his fingers against his book. "Going to take me up on it? We also have to promise that we're not going to change our reading speeds just to win."

"I'm not a liar."

"You don't know that I'm not."

"I think I do."

"So, what do you say?" Jude asked.

Connor held out his hand formally. He and Jude shook on it. Connor was proud that his hands weren't trembling when they let go. He was getting used to this. At least, with Jude, he was getting used to this. He still flinched away whenever someone accidentally brushed shoulders with him. Maybe his therapist was right. Maybe by practicing with Jude, he would be able to act like a normal person in time. Maybe, when the winter break came around and Connor was reunited with Adam, he would be able to give his father a hug. Adam had never been a particularly cuddly person but Connor knew how much a hug would mean to Adam.

"Time starts … now!" Jude said.

They returned to their textbooks, which was mildly anticlimactic after Jude's vigorous announcement. They read on and, at the ten minute mark, Connor shut his textbook. At the twelve minute mark, Jude shut his.

"Fine, fine," Jude grumbled playfully.

Connor was strangely thrilled to be able to tell the difference between something teasing and something serious. He had gotten good at reading people, or at least he hoped he had, but sometimes he still got caught in a loop where everything was scary to him and casual things could feel like threats. Now, though, Jude stretched and stood up.

"Fine, fine you're allowed to look smug. You _were_ right."

"I was right," Connor repeated.

"But you don't need to rub it in."

Connor watched Jude over the back of the couch as Jude started working around in the kitchen. He felt very strange being this far away from Jude in Jude's apartment. Shouldn't Jude be watching him? Didn't Jude want to be careful about what Connor was doing? Connor decided to sit at one of the stools that were against Jude's kitchen counter.

"Careful with the one closest to the wall," Jude said. "Sometimes the back likes to fall off of it."

Connor didn't sit in that one.

"Do you want bacon on yours? Might as well make it as fancy as possible."

"Bacon and cheese?"

"The height of fancy dining," Jude replied. "I might have a vegetable if you're a stickler about that kind of thing."

"You don't need to do anything special for me."

"I know. But is it okay if I want to?"

Jude cracked open his fridge, throwing a packet of bacon, some cheese slices, a tomato, and lettuce up onto the counter.

"BLT?" Jude suggested. He leant on the counter across from Connor, his elbow almost slipping into the sink. "I like the sound of it better than a grilled cheese."

"Okay," Connor said. "I like the sound of it too."

"Because great minds think alike. I know I'm brilliant and I suspect that you are too."

Jude put bacon in a pan and then he turned to preparing the sandwiches. Connor watched him spread mayo across all four slices of bread. He rooted around for his courage, because sometimes it was still an effort to carry on normal conversation.

"Don't you know me well enough by now?"

"There's a ton I don't know about you," Jude replied. "I'd like to know more of it. But … yeah. You're right. I do know you're brilliant."

Connor bit down on the inside of his cheek. Compliments were hard to hear, even though he had invited it in.

"For example, I don't know whether or not you can sing."

"I can't."

"So, then, what would it take to get you to sing?"

Connor pondered this while Jude sliced the tomato. While Jude was carefully layering them onto the sandwiches, Connor finally thought of a reply that was halfway clever. At least, in his opinion. But the only thing that Connor knew for sure about his own cleverness was that it was non-existent. Connor was also sure that he could say something to Jude and that Jude would not reject him, even if what he said was dumb. Jude was not the people Connor had known.

"More money than you'll ever have."

"Hmm." Jude picked the bacon up out of the frying pan and blotted the grease off it. "Even if I won the lottery?"

"Even if you won the lottery twice."

"So, what you're saying is … you'll enter a karaoke competition if I win the lottery three times?"

"Sure," Connor agreed. "That seems like an easy bet to take."

Jude put the sandwiches in the oven and he turned to face Connor. "I'm blaming you for my future gambling addiction."

"If an addiction is the price of this bet, then I take it back."

"Hey, hey," Jude said soothingly, hearing the high spike in Connor's voice. "Don't worry about me and that. I'm careful. I know I need to be careful."

"W-what do you mean?" Connor asked, and then he quickly clamped his hand over his mouth. He whispered through his fingers, "If I'm allowed to ask."

"You can be genetically predisposed toward addiction," Jude said. He turned back to the oven, flipping the sandwiches. "Basic psych stuff. My biological mother was killed in a drunk driving incident caused by my bio dad. They both liked to drink … maybe a little too much. Dad got out of jail and he was good about it, really good. Even to the point where we were in each other's lives a bit after I turned thirteen. And then when I turned eighteen, there was a shooting at his workplace and he watched people die and he couldn't deal with that and he started drinking again and he died before I turned twenty."

Jude didn't look at him as he transferred the sandwiches onto plates and put one in front of Connor. The room was silent as Jude circled around to take the stool on Connor's left.

"I'm sorry, Jude."

The words were not enough.

"I know. It's okay. I don't hide that stuff about me. I mean, I don't advertise it but I don't hide it either. I drink sometimes. Never more than two beer in a night. I know my limits and I'm careful. As much as I cared about my biological parents, I don't need to copy them on some things."

"Still, I shouldn't have pushed you." Connor rested his hand on Jude's forearm.

Jude's fingers covered his own. "You didn't push. And I wouldn't have told you if I didn't want to."

Connor felt an instinct to pull his hand away, but he didn't want to. He shifted his hand and, though he didn't exactly mean for it to happen but, then, he and Jude were holding hands. "You love your adoptive mothers, though? Stef and Lena?"

It wasn't something that Connor really needed to ask. Jude had never made any attempt to tone down the love that he felt for his adoptive family. He knew it was the right thing to bring up, too, as the storm clouds that had drifted across Jude's eyes seemed to clear considerably.

"They're the best people. I had to wait thirteen years but they're my family. They were worth waiting for." Jude squeezed his hand. "Now, eat. I'd hate for you to waste the spoils of your win."

Connor let go of Jude's hand and he picked up the sandwich. As he took his first bite, Jude spoke.

"Now, remember, sandwiches are my speciality so it's the only decent thing I'll ever make for you."

"It's good, Jude."

Connor felt a bump as Jude rested his foot on the bottom rung of Connor's stool. "Are you just trying to placate me?"

"No."

"All right, I trust you."

They finished off their dinner and then Jude put their dishes away in the dishwasher.

"Finish the comedy special before I take you home?"

"Yeah," Connor agreed.

They took their spots on the couch. Connor was surprised to find that he already thought of one end of Jude's couch as his own. He couldn't imagine sitting on the opposite side. He shifted a little closer to the middle, though, and said, "You know, Jude, I trust you too."

"Good."

Connor reached out, unsure of himself, his decisions, and what he was doing. Still, for the second time that night, he took Jude's hand. When the nerves faded, Connor thought that he might even like it. But that thought was too scary to fathom and so, instead, Connor focused on the TV ahead of him.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Show Me What I'm Looking For_** **by Carolina Liar. If you have a song that reminds you of** ** _Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	9. Be The Song

"Hi, Taylor."

"Hi, Jude."

Jude tucked his cell phone between his ear and his shoulder so that he could unlock his front door. He let himself in and waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. He sighed. It shouldn't have to be this tense or this strange with Taylor. He flicked on his lights and spoke again.

"What's up?" Jude asked.

"I just feel like we haven't had a real conversation in a while," she said, and her voice was small. She didn't sound like the vibrant Taylor that he usually knew.

That didn't keep Jude from snapping at her, because he was angry and he was allowed to be. He hadn't had a single hand in the strangeness that was between himself and Taylor. "Because you keep sending me one word texts or not answering at all! Am I supposed to talk to myself?"

"No. I'm sorry." She really did sound apologetic and Jude's defensiveness dropped away.

"You don't need to apologize. I just want to know what's going on."

While he waited for her to answer, Jude gathered up some pieces of laundry and dragged it all into his bathroom, throwing his work shirt into his washer first. He had more than enough time to complete his task before Taylor spoke again.

"There's nothing going on. Daria and I have just been arguing a little and it was more draining than I thought it would be. That's all, Jude."

"Arguing about what?" Jude asked, suspicious. He didn't believe her at all, but he didn't know if it was a good idea or not to push her.

"You know what," Taylor replied sharply. She sighed. "What about you, Jude? How are you?"

Jude hesitated, and then he decided that he couldn't push Taylor. He knew how she would react and he knew that it wouldn't be good. He'd rather not have her stop talking to him, though, and decided to just leave her to go at her own pace. "I'm good. I've been spending a lot of time with Connor recently."

" _Ooh!_ " Taylor exclaimed. "Anything good happening?"

"Not like you're thinking. We went to the movies and we … we held hands," Jude admitted, though he almost didn't. Holding hands was a big deal to Connor, and he knew that, and it almost seemed like fair too intimate of a detail to divulge.

"Do you think he likes you?"

"I don't think so. I mean, yes, as a friend. That's all I can ask from him. But … I think I'm going to tell him that I like him."

"Jude! What!? _Why!?_ "

Jude grabbed a bottle of water out of his fridge and then sat down on the couch. "Taylor, you don't know him, so I don't really expect you to get it."

"I'm not an idiot!"

"That's not how I meant it! He's a little hard to explain."

"Try," Taylor said in a deadpan.

"He's, I don't know what word to use, naïve, I guess. In some ways. Not with everything. But I know that there's some things that he just doesn't get and I know that he won't unless I tell him. And I know that he trusts me. So, with all of that, I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling him the way that I really feel."

"What if he stops talking to you?"

"I've thought about that. I really don't think he will. I don't know what his reaction will be but I definitely think that he'll keep talking to me. I just don't want to make a mistake."

"Oh, you've got it bad."

"Yeah," Jude agreed, because it was true. He leant against the back of his couch and sighed. "I really, really like him, Taylor."

"When are you seeing him again?"

"Tomorrow for class and lunch. And then we've got a study date on Saturday before work but I want to take him to that ice-cream place too. The one with the really weird flavours."

"Jude, I have something to tell you."

"Hmm?"

"You're already dating."

Jude barked out a laugh, though he was shaking his head. With anyone else he had a crush on, it would have been a harmless joke and something that the other party probably would have laughed at too. When it came to Connor, however, Jude shook his head at it. He didn't want to force anything on Connor, even something that was said lightly and teasingly.

"I'm going to tell him."

"Tell me how it goes," Taylor said.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about anything? I've been worried about you."

"I'm fine. Daria's been moody and so I've been moody back. I thought living with my best friend would be easy. Maybe I should have lived with a stranger."

"You and Daria love each other and you've been fine for years. Everyone fights. We fight all the time … because you've got a big mouth."

Taylor gave a short laugh at that. "All right, Jude, fair. I, uh, I have to go but I'll text you, okay?"

"Okay, Taylor. I hope it gets better soon."

"Me too. Bye, Jude."

Jude hung up the phone and flattened himself out along the length of the couch. He crossed his ankles over the opposite arm and sighed. He didn't know what he was doing when it came to Connor. Jude had only had one boyfriend before. He'd met Dylan at the start of ninth grade and they had been dating by the beginning of tenth. Ultimately, it had been Dylan who had done most of the pursuing although there hadn't been much to be done. He and Dylan had been friends before the relationship and being together had been … easy. Jude had cared about Dylan, a lot, but in retrospect he could admit that there was also a flavour of convenience to their relationship too. There had been other gay kids at their school but Dylan was the one that he was closest too. They had some shared interests, Dylan was sweet, and Dylan had respected the physical boundaries that Jude had put up around their relationship. They'd ended it because he was going to an art school in Chicago and Jude was staying in California for college. It had hurt Jude to end such a long relationship and he'd missed Dylan a lot in the aftermath but it wasn't the painful, heart-wrenching loss that Jude had expected from a first love. His first boyfriend had meant a lot to him, and always would mean a lot to him, but his past relationship didn't give him any good perspective on how to talk to Connor as a person that Jude was interested in. It was new territory for him and Jude would just have to see where it went.

(-.-)

Jude turned in his seat so that he could face Connor, who was curled in the passenger seat of Jude's car. They'd finished their studying with enough time to spare before Jude's shift and it had been fairly easy to convince Connor to try the ice-cream shop. After getting their ice-cream, they'd returned to Gerald to eat, as it was a lot more comfortable than the small, crowded shop.

"What do you think?"

"Raspberry shortbread is my new favourite."

"Raspberries have nothing on vanilla honey."

"Do I have to believe you?" Connor asked.

"No, not about this."

"I like raspberries."

"Raspberries are good." Jude shifted further into his seat to look at Connor. "Can I talk to you about something? It's kind of important."

"Sure." Connor turned to so that they were square to each other. "That's what friends are for, right?"

"Right. Um, it's just hard for me to say, I guess."

Connor seemed more hesitant and he played with his black plastic spoon, tapping it against the inside of his ice-cream dish. "Is it bad?"

"I don't think it's bad. I won't know what you think until I tell you so …" Jude took a deep breath. "Connor, I like you."

Connor met his gaze. In this light, his eyes looked more of a light brown than the green that Jude had first observed. Connor's hazel eyes were just one of his many heart-stopping features. Jude watched Connor try and sort through what he had just said. His reply was, ultimately, a simple one. "We're friends."

"Right. We are. And I want us to be. But I … _like_ you. More than just as a friend."

"Oh," Connor whispered breathlessly. He chewed on the end of his spoon for a second. "Oh."

"I don't expect you to say the same thing back or for anything to come of me saying it. I don't expect us to date. But I felt like I was lying to you by not telling you and I wanted you to know the truth. Does that make sense?"

Connor nodded. Slowly, he turned so that he was facing the windshield.

"Connor?"

"Can I go home now?"

"Yeah, okay. I have to go to work soon anyway."

Connor leant against the car door, as far away from Jude as he could get in the confined space. Jude started up the car and tried not to take it personally. He couldn't, and didn't, fault Connor for his reaction. But he hoped that Connor didn't hate him for saying anything. Jude hoped Connor would speak on the drive back to campus, but he didn't.

"I hope we're still going to hang out."

"Yeah."

Jude could tell that Connor was saying it because it was what he thought Jude wanted to hear.

"Would you rather I didn't tell you?" Jude asked.

Connor waited until Gerald had parked before responding.

"I don't know, Jude. I don't know what to say or think. If … If that's all right."

"Of course it is."

"I'll see you on Monday."

"Yeah," Jude said. "Monday. Bye, Connor."

"Bye, Jude. I hope you have a good shift."

"Thanks."

Jude didn't move until Connor was out of sight. Then, he started Gerald again and started driving, knowing that there were still forty minutes left until he had to be at work. He wanted to think that he hadn't just made a huge mistake. He didn't feel a sense of impending doom but he still tapped his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel. He didn't know what was going to happen on Monday, but he hoped that things didn't change. He liked the way that they were.

He liked Connor being his friend.

(-.-)

 _As more than a friend._

 _As more than a friend._

 _As more than a friend._

Connor paced his tiny room, running his towel over his wet hair. He grabbed a bottle of water and, while he drank from it, he took another lap around his room. He was running out of things to distract himself with. It was nearly eleven at night and, usually, he tried to make himself go to bed by now. He was too keyed up to sleep, even though he'd made himself go to the gym earlier that day. Ever since he'd said goodbye to Jude this afternoon, he felt like he'd had an entire pot of coffee. Jude liked him. Connor did _not_ know how to deal with that. He didn't _want_ to deal with that.

He wished that he had someone that he could talk to this to. He knew that he could talk to his therapist about it, but he saw her once a week on Thursday mornings. He had to see Jude again Monday.

"Do I want to see Jude again?" Connor asked the empty room. "If I say I don't want to, he'll leave me alone. I know he will."

 _You want to see him again. He's your friend. Your only friend._

Connor threw his towel over the towel bar in his washroom and then threw the now-empty water bottle into his recycling bin. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until he sorted through things in his head and came to some sort of conclusion. He needed to be able to come to some sort of peace about it in his head, at least something that would carry him through to the morning.

"Jude and I are friends. He said he didn't expect that to change. I trust that."

It was enough.

It had to be enough.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** ** _Be The Song_** **by Foy Vance. If you have a song that reminds you of** ** _Barefoot And Bruised_** **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	10. DKLA

Connor and Jude sat next to one another in Kroger's lecture, as they usually did, but they didn't speak. Connor couldn't help the fact that he was jittery. He wanted to bounce his leg or pace in a circle, but he couldn't. He was in public and he couldn't let those feelings show. Jude had tried to talk to him before class, but Connor had asked for silence until afterward. Jude had given him that, which convinced Connor that he had made the right decision. Class ended with one elaborate illustration of the Minotaur, which Kroger said was their favourite.

"Lunch today?" Jude murmured.

"Yeah, I'd like to."

They sat outside once more.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or not talk about it? Or … whatever. Whatever you want to do is okay."

Connor didn't think he'd ever heard Jude be so unsure about something.

"Well, I'm glad you told me. I decided that," Connor said. "But, I also decided that I don't want to talk about it. Unless … unless there was something more that you had to say."

"No."

"So, is that okay?"

"Yeah, absolutely it is. Friends, right?"

Connor nodded. "Yes. Friends. That's all I want, Jude."

"Then that's what there is." Jude picked his package of M&M's out of his bag and offered them to Connor. "You can't say no to chocolate."

"No, I can't," Connor agreed.

That seemed to be that, as Jude asked his thoughts on the Minotaur, as Kroger had explained it. It was so simple that Connor was suspicious. Jude wasn't going to ask him more about it? Jude wasn't going to push for a date? Jude wasn't going to keep reminding him of his feelings?

"Do you think that a myth like that could really just be born from some kind of … bull riding competition or whatever it was? They don't really seem like the same thing."

"Inspiration has to come from somewhere. Usually fiction has a grain of truth in it, right? Everything starts somewhere."

"So, in a thousand years, what kind of lies are they going to tell about our civilization?"

"Zombie stories. We've enough of them," Connor replied.

Jude laughed brightly and reclined in the grass. "Good point. Hey, share the M&M's, chocolate hog."

"Sorry!"

Connor sat closed to Jude's side and crossed his legs underneath of him, offering the package to Jude. Jude dug a few pieces of chocolate out of the package and popped them into his mouth. His hand rested lazily across Connor's knee.

"You think we'll actually ever have zombies?" he asked.

Connor could only shrug. "I've been thinking about something else."

"What's that?"

"You shared something with me, about your parents. And I never shared back."

Jude propped himself up on his elbows, thinking about how long ago that conversation had been now. He couldn't believe it had been on Connor's mind for that long, but he didn't say it. "You know you don't owe me for that kind of stuff, right? I shared with you because I felt comfortable sharing with you. When you feel comfortable, you can share with me but it's not a trade system."

Connor crinkled the edge of the M&M package. "I never shared back."

"I'll listen to whatever you have to say."

Connor wouldn't look at him. "I've had one boyfriend. I met him when I was fifteen. He was twenty-three. I moved in with him that year. He hit me but that wasn't even the worst of it. We broke up last December."

Connor said all of that in a flat monotone that made goosebumps rise up on Jude's forearms.

"I'm sorry," Jude whispered.

"It happened." Connor crinkled the M&M package again. "I'm sorry. I think I'm going to finish your chocolate."

"Go ahead," Jude said. "I got them discounted at work. I can get you twenty more bags if you want them."

"Just this one, please."

Jude watched Connor's face carefully as he ate the M&M's one at a time. There was a strange look about him, as if he were caught in the past and in memories that Jude didn't want to think of. He hated the thought of anybody being in a place where they were abused; he hated that it had been Connor.

"Connor?"

"Mhm?"

"You're twenty-one, right?"

"Uh-huh."

Five years. With a man that was eight years older than he was. Jude felt sick to his stomach. He'd be twenty-one in November. That was like him dating a thirteen year old now. There was something so inherently _wrong_ with that picture that Jude was sure he was going to vomit in the grass. And then for him to abuse that little kid for five years, like he had a right to. He hated to imagine the type of person that thought that was okay.

"I'm sorry I ate them all," Connor said softly, bringing Jude to the present.

"I really don't mind."

"Are you all right? You sound funny."

And Connor was still beautiful. After all of that.

"Thinking, I guess." Jude reclined back in the grass, staring up at the sky.

Connor watched him lay back, feeling his mind buzz. He knew that he could trust Jude and, really, he hadn't given Jude any details, not like Jude had given him about his biological parents. Still, Connor felt that his words had upset Jude somehow. He remembered what Jude had said, about perhaps understanding him a little too well, and Connor worried. Had he brought back Jude's own thoughts of abuse?

He reached out and touched Jude's forearm. Jude's wrist bent to hold Connor's arm back.

"You worry too much," Jude said.

Connor looked down at Jude's hand. He knew that it was probably wrong to do it, particularly in light of what Jude had said about his feelings, but Connor couldn't help it. He was slowly learning to do a little bit of what he wanted and what he wanted was to hold Jude's hand. Jude didn't comment, he barely seemed to react as their fingers wrapped around one another. Connor was surprised at how easy it was to hold Jude's hand and have that little bit of physicality now. Rather, he felt a little more grounded. Jude was a very solid thing to be able to hold onto.

Connor made sure that he was sitting, though, so that their hands couldn't be viewed by anyone just wandering by. He wasn't sure of how Jude would feel about that. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. No one would know.

"Come over on Tuesday night," Jude said suddenly.

"Oh. Okay."

"Oh!" Jude sat up against his elbows again, though he and Connor didn't let go of one another. "I didn't mean to make it sound like a demand. I'd like you to come over on Tuesday night."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "To do what?"

"Be boring and watch Netflix? We can order food or whatever …"

"I can make dinner," Connor offered. "You drive me around and everything. I probably owe you."

"That's the best thing I've heard in the past week, I think," Jude said. "I'm done work at five, so I can pick you up at six and we can go to the grocery store."

"What would you like?"

"Make me your favourite thing to make," Jude said.

"Okay." Connor lapsed into thinking.

"And surprise me. Please."

"Okay. But, you aren't allergic to seafood are you?"

Jude just shook his head.

(-.-)

"It's not too heavy, is it?"

"I know I don't go to the gym, Connor, but I can handle a grocery basket."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to question you."

Connor placed a box of penne pasta in the basket and then strode along ahead before Jude could say anything else to him. Jude trailed behind him as Connor picked up cheese, chicken broth, shrimp, and several other things that Jude quickly lost track of.

"I have parmesan at home."

Connor put it back on the shelf. "That's all I need."

"This looks like a lot of ingredients," Jude said.

"I hope you'll like it."

"I know I will. Do you want to get anything for dessert?"

"Whatever you want."

"Let's go through the bakery anyway so that I can claim the cupcakes were an impulse buy and that my sweet tooth hasn't been demanding them for the last day and a half."

"Well … I won't tell."

Jude smiled at him. "I know. I'm safe with you. One of the reasons I like you so much."

Connor's expression faltered.

"Why you're a great friend," Jude amended. "Come on, cupcakes."

This time, Jude was in the lead. He knew exactly where the cupcakes were located and, after selecting the ones that looked like they had the most frosting, he carefully balanced them on top of his and Connor's other groceries. Jude had no idea what they were making – what did shrimp and evaporated milk have in common? Still, it was a dinner that he wasn't making by himself or ordering from some greasy fast food restaurant which, though he liked it, he ate way too often for his stomach's and budget's comfort.

Connor took them through the self-check-out line and, soon, they were at Jude's apartment, unpacking grocery bags onto the counter.

"Should I start now?" Connor asked. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah! Let's do it."

"I said I would make you dinner," Connor said. "You don't need to help."

"I'll be annoying and mostly inefficient but you can give me something boring to do."

Connor sorted the ingredients into separate piles. He picked up the box of pasta and handed it to Jude.

"I can handle boiling pasta, don't look so worried." Jude sat on the counter between his stove and oven, reaching behind him to grab a pot. "But I'm not getting off the counter. I've been standing too long today."

"Is it that hard?"

"Not usually. But I didn't sleep well last night."

Connor glanced up from the oven controls. His hand lifted toward Jude's face but then his expression changed and he dropped it back to his side.

"What?" Jude asked.

"Nothing."

Jude nudged Connor's wrist with his knee. "What?"

"You do look like you have some black circles," Connor murmured.

Hesitantly, Connor gently touched the pad of his thumb to Jude's under-eye.

"Well, we can't all look like you."

Jude went to lift his hand too, but Connor flinched away so quickly that Jude nearly missed the movement. The look of near-terror on his face made Jude's heart drop.

"Connor, I'm sorry. I don't … I should have realized …"

Connor had turned his back on him, beginning to open some of the ingredients.

"Where are your pans?"

"Cupboard to the left … Are you all right?"

"I'm getting used to touching you and having you touch me. I can't stand the thought of anyone being around my face or my neck," Connor said, his voice so low that Jude could barely hear him. "I can't, _I'm sorry_."

His voice broke and Jude wished that he could hug him. He wished that he knew how to comfort Connor. Jude had a hard early life, but he had spent so long in a loving family with everything that he could ever desire in the way of affection that those memories were far-off and even had the aura of not being reality in some cases, though some were still in sharp-focus. Connor's memories were still front and centre.

"That's not something you need to be sorry for," Jude said. "You tell me not to and I listen. I won't try again unless you tell me it's okay."

Connor glanced at Jude over his shoulder but he didn't say anything else. He carefully arranged the shrimp on a baking sheet covered with tinfoil and slid it into the oven.

"Should I start the pasta?"

Connor nodded.

"And what are you going to do?"

"Make alfredo sauce," Connor replied.

"Can't you buy that in a jar?"

"Yeah. But it tastes better this way."

"All right. I trust you."

Jude grabbed his phone and turned on his music. Connor was serious and focused as he made the recipe from memory, which Jude was impressed with. His hands didn't shake and there was no hesitation as he moved around. Connor was in control in this space and the more he worked, the happier he seemed to be.

"Do you have a casserole dish?"

"Yeah, the cupboard next to the fridge. No, the one on bottom. There."

Connor pulled the dish out.

Carefully, he assembled everything into the casserole dish – the pasta, sauce, shrimp, tomatoes, and some red pepper flakes – and made sure that they were all mixed together. He covered the top in cheese and slid it into the oven. He set the oven timer and then he turned to face Jude.

"Ten more minutes."

"Good. Thank you for cooking."

"I'm sorry for overreacting," Connor said. "You weren't even close to my face."

Had he been thinking about that the entire time he'd been cooking?

"Connor, it's okay. Really."

Connor was frowning.

Jude felt an ache in his arms. He wanted to hug Connor. He wanted to hug him so badly. Jude kept his hands at his side. It wasn't fair to Connor for Jude to be thinking that way.

"We just need to talk to one another," Jude said. "We both have boundaries. We haven't been friends for a month yet. It'll be all right."

"Yeah," Connor murmured. "Yeah, you're right."

Jude slid from the counter and laid out plates and poured them drinks. The whole thing felt strangely domestic to Jude. He'd cooked with others before; he and Dylan had taken care of their own meals in the past. But this was Connor, standing in the kitchen of Jude's own apartment, and there was something about the scene that made Jude happier than it probably should have, considering that Connor was his friend and could only be his friend. Jude knew that. Jude could respect that. But Jude wasn't able to stop the way that he felt about Connor.

They took their stools at the counter and Jude poked his fork into one of his noodles and a piece of shrimp. He wanted to talk to Connor, as he felt an awkwardness settling in between them and Jude didn't like that. Even when they were quiet with one another, Jude wanted it to feel comfortable between the two of them. He didn't want Connor to feel like he constantly had to be on edge.

"Why'd you pick this to make?"

"It was my mom's favourite," he admitted. "I don't know if I ever saw the real recipe for it. I just always knew how to make it."

Jude savoured his first bite. "It's really good, Connor. You're a good cook."

He could tell from the look on Connor's face that Connor didn't believe him.

"Really, you are!"

Connor didn't have anything to say and Jude let himself lapse into silence as they ate.

"Thank you for letting me use your kitchen."

"You cooked for me. You can use it whenever you want. Your kitchen probably isn't very big."

"Not … really. I'll get the dishes –"

"That's why I have a dishwasher. Less work for us."

Connor anxiously played with his fork. "I feel like I haven't done enough."

"Then you can grab the cupcakes," Jude said. "Do you still want to watch a movie?"

Connor nodded and soon they were on the couch. Jude was trying to fit as much of his cupcake into his mouth as he possibly could while searching around for a movie.

"That one's supposed to be funny," he said. It was an average comedy – single, high-powered businessman finds out he's fathered two children when their mother dies and they suddenly move in with them.

"Okay."

Jude pressed play and the movie began. He finished his cupcake and settled himself down on the couch. He was surprised when he felt Connor's hand brush against the underside of his wrist. Jude tilted his hand and Connor took it. Sometimes Jude thought that he might understand why Connor wanted to hold his hand and then, other times, he didn't get it at all. Jude didn't want to question it, though, in case Connor let go of him. He wanted to hold Connor's hand, even though it sent his mind spiralling into daydreams where holding Connor's hand would lead to kissing him and taking him on dates and calling him _'boyfriend'_. It was a slippery slope.

They were maybe fifteen minutes into the movie when Connor spoke.

"I'm sorry. I just feel off today."

"That's all right. You're allowed to be."

Connor's hand tightened. "Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me."

"And sometimes you're just a person who doesn't have to be happy all the time."

Connor moved their joined hands across the centre couch cushion and, for a moment, Jude thought that Connor was going to take his hand back. Instead, he was pleased that Connor moved closer, so that their shoulders were nearly brushing. Their joined hands were settled on Jude's leg.

"Do you mind?"

"Not even a little. As long as you're okay."

Connor's comfort had to come first with things like this. Even though it had been Connor's decision to move closer didn't mean that Jude shouldn't be aware.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

Jude settled against soft cushions of his couch, feeling all of Connor's little fidgets. Their hands grew heated at the palms and yet Connor didn't move away. Jude thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest and he found himself sneaking glances at Connor's face as the movie played on. He looked as focused on the film as he did in class and Jude felt like he was all right to watch Connor's face. He didn't feel as guilty about it now, at least, as he did when he hadn't known Connor at all. Connor was handsome, just as Jude had thought from the beginning, but he seemed even more so now. Now that Jude had been able to see his heart and hear his voice and get to know who Connor was, he seemed so much _more_.

Connor caught him staring. "Should I ask?"

"I'm glad I met you, that's all."

Connor didn't look like he fully believed him, but Jude sensed that Connor wouldn't push the issue. He was right and Connor just turned to face the screen again. Jude averted his eyes away from Connor's face, not wanting Connor to catch him again. He had no doubt that Connor would let it be brushed off as easily the second time around. Jude instead looked down at their hands. Connor's were a bit larger than his own. Jude thought that their hands fit together perfectly; it was as if they were supposed to hold hands. Jude gently ran his thumb across the back of Connor's hand and he felt Connor's arm tense for a moment. He held his breath, but then Connor relaxed into him, perhaps even resting against him more than he had been before. Jude leant back into Connor and that was how they stayed until the end credits rolled.

"What did you think of the movie?" Jude asked.

"What did you think?"

"I asked you first."

Connor glanced at the screen, which was now frozen on the movie's cover. "The acting was a little bad. There were some cute moments."

"I agree completely."

Connor tapped his cell phone screen; Jude glanced at the time.

"Do you want to go home?" Jude asked.

"If … if you want me to." Connor looked down and Jude wondered if he was looking at their hands. "I wouldn't mind being allowed to stay for a little longer."

"You're always allowed to stay here," Jude said. "Want to have another cupcake with me?"

"I'd like that."

Jude had to let go of Connor to grab the cupcakes. He returned and placed one in Connor's hand. He then plopped back down in his spot and tilted his cupcake toward Connor. "Cheers."

"You do that a lot."

"Because it's fun!"

"Aren't you supposed to say something else with it? Cheers to something?"

"Cheers to friendship then," Jude said. "As corny as that is."

Connor looked shy. "I think it sounds nice."

"Me too," Jude said. "Now, quick, clink cupcakes with me so I can eat my icing."

"Only your icing?" Connor asked, though he tapped his cupcake to Jude's.

"It _is_ the best part," Jude said. "I like the cake part too but, really, there's never enough icing on these things."

"I like the cake," Connor said.

"But icing is _really_ good."

"I like icing too."

Jude squinted at him. "Are you agreeing with me because you _want_ to agree with me or because you think that you _should_ agree with me?"

"A little bit of both. Is that okay?"

Jude watched as Connor licked icing from the corner of his mouth. He was unable to speak until Connor innocently returned to his cupcake.

"Yeah, Connor. It's all right."

Connor pulled the wrapping of his cupcake wrapper down. "Are you tired of me asking that?"

"Doesn't matter. I'll answer it until you don't need to ask it anymore."

"You're a really good person, Jude."

Jude knocked his knee against Connor's. "Why do you sound so surprised about that?"

"You're teasing, right?"

"Completely."

Jude was rewarded with Connor's smile.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **DKLA**_ **by Troye Sivan ft. Tkay Maidza (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	11. Because Of You

Connor carefully cracked open the window of his nano room. With the room so small, it could easily get hot and stuffy just by him sitting in it, but it got worse when he showered or used the oven. Today, he was using the oven. It was just a tiny thing built into his tiny kitchen and he had to be careful about the dishes that he bought, as some of them wouldn't fit. Connor checked on the temperature of his oven, but it wasn't done preheating. He picked up his mixing bowl again, but promptly had to put it down to answer the phone.

"Hi, Dad."

"Hey, Connor. Where are you?"

"I'm in my room. Why?"

"Oh. I just thought that you might be studying with Jude, that's all. Don't you usually on Sundays?"

"He's not off work until seven tonight," Connor said. He put his phone on speaker, sat it on the edge of his desk, and picked up his mixing bowl again, taking a fork to it. He'd already had the beaters in it, but he needed to do something with his hands while he waited for the oven to preheat.

"Are you still going to study with him?"

"Yes. He's going to pick me up. We're going to go to his apartment."

"You don't mind being there with him late?"

"It's not late. And Jude doesn't worry me. Not like that. I trust him. I'm even able to sit next to him. I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Dad, I … I held his hand. More than once."

Adam went silent. Connor was glad that the oven beeped, signalling that it was at the right temperature, so that he didn't have to sit there and listen to his father say nothing. Connor poured his batter into the two small round pans on his desk. One, he put into the oven, promptly starting his phone timer. The other, he wedged into the fridge, fitting it in even with the bowl that was taking up most of the space.

"What are you doing?" Adam asked.

"Baking a cake. What are you doing?"

"I'm just at home. Connor, do you like this boy?"

"He's my friend, Dad."

"That's not what I meant and you know that. Do you like this boy?"

"Dad, it hasn't even been a year since … him."

"I know that. But it's all right to like Jude, you know?"

"You said something different last week." Connor began to fill his small sink. Dirty dishes weren't to be left around.

"I know. Last week, though, I was wrong. And accusatory. You're an adult. You went through something bad. Everyone heals at different rates. I like to think that you're making really good progress with Dr. Scott and that she'll be able to help you. I just … I don't want you to be afraid of what you want."

"No matter who it is, it will be a boy. Are you going to be okay with that this time?"

"Yes," Adam said.

There was no hesitation in his voice and Connor couldn't describe the emotion that welled up in him from that. He could only hope that Adam meant it.

"You're my son. I love you. I won't make my earlier mistakes. It will take a while for you to trust that, I know. I'll be patient. It doesn't matter to me that you're gay. I don't want you to be afraid of a relationship. I don't know how you feel about Jude – if he's just a friend then he's just a friend – but if you feel something more for him, that's okay too. I want what's going to make you happy."

"You sound a little like Dr. Scott."

"Well," Adam mused, "You did say she was smart."

"About Jude, though. It wouldn't be fair for me to like him. It wouldn't be fair for me to be in a relationship with him. Sometimes I feel guilty for even being his friend because I know how hard it is to even be friends with me."

"You deserve happiness. I'm not saying push yourself. I'm not saying you _have_ to date someone. That wouldn't be fair of me either. What I'm saying is … don't get in your own way. I'm here if you need me."

"Thank you."

Connor checked on his first cake. It was perfectly cooked and he slid it out of the oven, promptly putting his second one in.

"Is there anything that you want to talk about? Anything new that you need to tell me?"

"No. You know everything." Connor looked at his phone. "Dad?"

"What?"

"Since you asked about my dating life, can I ask about yours?"

Adam laughed. "I've dated two women since your mother. The first was for two weeks. The second was for six months. I haven't met anyone."

"You've tried?"

"Yes and no. I've never ignored a possibility but I don't always feel like trying to seek out a relationship."

"I understand."

"I hope you know that you can ask me things. Whatever you want. We need to get to know each other too."

"I … I was just wondering if you met someone," Connor admitted. "If that's why you wanted me to find someone too."

"You were wondering if I had other motivations than your best interests."

"This week you sound different than last week and I'm just trying to make sense of it and figure things out," Connor said in a rush. "I don't know what to do when you keep changing your mind and saying different things and I just don't _know_."

Connor was more than aware that his voice was high and whiny near the end, but his focus was on trying to clamp down on the tears and the lump in his throat. He shouldn't be losing it like this! He should be able to keep it all tamped down and inside so that he could be whoever he was needed to be. That was what he'd been taught. That was what he knew. It was better to be nothing than to get in trouble for being something.

"I'm sorry for being so inconsistent. I know it doesn't help you. I want you to be able to make the choices that are going to keep you safe and make you happy. You can trust that with all you're able."

"Okay, Dad. I'll try."

"I'm going to go, if that's all right," Adam said. "I need to go grocery shopping. I hope you have a good study session later."

"Me too."

"Text me when you're in for the night, okay?"

Connor agreed.

"I love you."

"You too."

Connor watched the call screen blink off and he turned to the last of his dishes, arranging them in the drying rack that took up more space than it was worth, sometimes. It was a sacrifice that Connor had to make to be in a nano room and he'd rather deal with the small space than the risk of having a roommate. He spent most of the afternoon doting on his cake. Because of the small size of his cake pans, it ended up being two layers, which meant that he could slather icing between the two layers, which was the point. Jude liked lots of icing.

Connor transferred the cake into the only container that he had that was big enough to hold the awkward shape. It was good timing; just moments after he'd done so, Jude texted him that he had just left work. Connor packed up his back pack, picked up his cake, locked his door behind him, and was waiting outside for Jude when he saw Gerald pull into the parking lot. Connor smiled at the sight of the old black car. It had come a comforting sight. Jude had barely parked when Connor was pulling the passenger side door open.

"Hey!" Jude said.

"You're wearing your work shirt," Connor noticed. He reached out and touched the sleeve of the black t-shirt with the name of the convenience store emblazoned on the right side of Jude's chest.

"I came right here to get you. No point in stopping to grab another shirt when we're just going back to my apartment, right?"

"Right."

Jude backed Gerald out of the parking spot and then they were driving off campus.

"What's in the container?"

"I'll show you when we get to your apartment."

"I'm so curious," Jude whined.

"I can tell you now," Connor offered quickly. He didn't want to bother Jude.

"Nah. Patience is a virtue … or so I hear. What did you do today?"

"I went to the gym this morning. I think I like going a little later in the day, though. Then, I was just in my room. Dad called. We've been talking about past things. That gets a little hard."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm okay. I just get confused sometimes when things seem contradictory. Or aren't consistent. I spend too much time thinking about it, I think."

"Will mindlessly reading textbooks help you?"

"Usually. Thinking about something else is easy."

Jude shrugged and carefully parked in his strip of driveway. Connor got out of the car, carefully cradling his cake container, and then he picked his way down the stone path that led to Jude's door. Jude unlocked the door and headed off to change out of his work shirt. Connor went into the kitchen, turning on the light as he went. Though it wasn't fully dark outside yet, there weren't many windows in Jude's apartment. There was a small one, situated near the ceiling on the wall opposite the bed, and then there was a window in the door that Jude kept a thin white curtain pulled over. The apartment wasn't fully situated in the ground – the house was on a hill, so three of the four sides were, but the wall with the door was fully exposed to the outside. Connor thought a window could have been there and he didn't know why there wasn't. He'd never spent days here like Jude had, but he thought that the lack of natural light might get a little suffocating, eventually.

"So," Jude said, sliding into the kitchen. "What's in the container?"

"See for yourself."

Connor stepped out of the way as Jude popped the top off the white plastic container. His expression was not what Connor expected; Connor had thought that there would be a bit more excitement.

"It looks like an icing tower."

"It's chocolate icing with two layers of vanilla cake in the middle," Connor said. "Like the cupcakes. I just thought you might like this ratio a bit better."

He began to doubt his afternoon of work. Jude didn't like it. Jude thought he was dumb. He should have waited and asked Jude about it instead of just deciding to do it. He never made the right decisions. He never did anything right. He –

Jude's face lit up. "You made me a cake?"

"Yeah …"

Jude's whole face was bright when he turned to Connor. "I'd hug you right now if I thought you'd let me."

"R-really?"

"Yeah! It looks great, Connor."

Connor thought of what Adam had said, about being safe and about being happy. Then, he didn't overthink it when he said, "Maybe a little one."

"A little slice? Are you sure? Because I'm probably going to eat most of it now."

"I meant … maybe a little hug."

Jude held his arms out and Connor stepped into them. Jude was taller than he was and Connor's head was able to rest on his chest, just over his heart. He wrapped both of his arms around Jude's waist. He couldn't help the tiny tremble when Jude's arms went around him. Jude's hold was loose, but in response to Connor's shake, Jude let go even more.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"When you have your arms like that, I feel trapped," Connor confessed.

Jude's arms shifted so that they both weren't around Connor's waist. One was going diagonally down toward his hip, while the other was up around Connor's shoulder. The change felt less like entrapment and more like being held. He was able to relax into the hug and it had been so long since Connor had been held with nothing but tenderness, where he wasn't scared of the arms that were around him, that he started to cry. It was awful; it was embarrassing.

"It's not you," Connor sniffed, feeling Jude's grip change. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Nothing." Jude rocked him back and forth. "You're fine just the way you are."

Connor didn't believe it, not even for a second. But it meant so much for him to hear. The space inside of Jude's arms started to get uncomfortable and Connor needed to be able to breathe. He pushed back and against Jude's arms and, in an instant, Jude let go.

"How about some cake?" Jude said. "It'll make you feel better."

"Okay. Thank you for sharing."

"It'd be mean of me to not let you enjoy what you made," Jude said, grabbing bowls from his cupboard. He also grabbed a knife. "Tell me when."

Connor watched the size of his piece carefully. "When."

Jude didn't comment, just filled both of their bowls with cake. "We can even put off studying if that'll make you feel better."

Connor shook his head.

"We can do next week's readings too," Jude offered. "That might make you feel better."

That coaxed a small smile from Connor and he wiped at his eyes. He couldn't believe he'd cried. He sat on the couch, close to Jude rather than far away, and picked up their anthology from the coffee table.

"Are we sharing books tonight too?" Jude asked.

"My back pack is in the kitchen," Connor said, going to put his bowl and the book back on the coffee table.

"Don't worry about it. We can try and share. Though you'll have to read at my pace."

"That's all right," Connor said. They spread the book between their laps, though it took some maneuvering to get the book to balance in a way that they could eat and read at the same time. Connor tried to focus on the words – they were reading about heroes this week again, though this time they were reading about Jason and Heracles. Connor thought that it was interesting reading but he couldn't stop himself from looking away from the page and letting his mind wander back to his hug with Jude. He couldn't shake the feeling that it had given him and he could wrap his head around the fact that it was a _nice_ feeling. It wasn't a physical touch that he just endured. It wasn't a physical touch that left him confused and desperate for something more – something that he never got. It was just _nice_. It was _good._ Connor _liked_ it. He didn't know how to like it.

"Are you done with the page?" Jude asked, breaking Connor's thoughts.

"What? Oh. No. I'm sorry. I wasn't concentrating on … on it."

"Can I help with anything?" Jude asked, but Connor had to shake his head.

Connor had no idea what he would ask for help with, if he thought he'd be able to ask. He didn't know what would help him. There were things that could help him, he knew. He and Dr. Scott worked on those things every week and Connor liked to think that he was making progress. Left on his own, though, Connor had no idea what to do to help himself.

Jude put his empty bowl on the coffee table. "It was really good, Connor. I'm more serious now than I was before about you being my personal chef."

That made Connor smile too.

"Would it bother you if I put my head on your shoulder?" Jude asked.

"No, I don't think so."

Jude settled down, resting his head against Connor's shoulder. The little contact didn't bother Connor and he pulled the anthology into his lap.

"I'm just tired from work," Jude said. "You're kind of comfortable to sleep on."

"You're not asleep," Connor pointed out.

"And I won't do that to you … Tonight, anyway. If you keep seeing me after work, there will come a time when I fall asleep on you."

"Is it that draining?"

"Yes and no. Some shifts are harder than others. Mostly, my legs just get sore and so I just get cranky."

"You don't seem cranky," Connor pointed out. It was hard to imagine Jude that way.

"Being around you makes me not cranky," Jude replied. "It makes me happy."

"Oh."

"Was that too much?" Jude asked. Connor could hear anxiety in his tone. "I meant, you know, friends make me happy."

"It's okay. I … Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can."

"Then you're sure that … that you like me as more than a friend?"

Jude lifted his head off Connor's shoulder and they looked at one another. Connor didn't know what answer he was going to get. He didn't know what answer he wanted to get. Jude was strange and a little confusing, but not in the way that made Connor feel unbalanced. Jude wasn't trying to be that way. His moods didn't fling from one end of the spectrum to the other. He wasn't intentionally antagonistic. He was just confusing because, though Connor would like to, he'd yet to meet a person that wasn't confusing. It was part of being a human, Connor thought, although he didn't know how much he liked that idea. People were simply confusing and that was that.

"I'm sure."

Connor dropped his eyes from Jude's. He couldn't look into Jude's face because he knew he'd see nothing there but honesty. "I'm sorry. We said we weren't going to talk about it."

"That wasn't a law. We can bring things up every once in a while, even if we say we weren't going to talk about it. Better than being upset over we don't need to be, right?"

"Right," Connor murmured tightly.

"Was there anything else?"

"I don't know."

"That's okay."

Jude put his head back on Connor's shoulder and Connor couldn't deny that it made him feel better. He liked Jude's closeness, whatever that meant.

"Let's read," Jude proposed after a moment of silence.

"Can you see the book from there?"

"Can't you read to me? Would that be too much to ask?"

"No, it would keep me focused." Connor took a deep breath and began to read. _"With Jason as a captain these men put to sea and landed on the island of Lemnos …_ "

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Because Of You**_ **by Reba McEntire ft. Kelly Clarkson (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	12. Drops Of Jupiter

**Taylor: 28 days to Halloween!**

 **Taylor: Daria and Thomas are coming this year, fyi**

 **Taylor: do you want to do it at your place or do you want to just rent a hotel room to trash?**

 **Taylor: not like trash trash. You know what I mean. Drink in.**

Jude stared at the series of texts and then pressed call. He put his phone on speaker and then stuck it in one of Gerald's cup holders, backing out from his driveway as the call rang.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Taylor answered.

"Driving to campus."

"To see _Connor_?" Taylor teased.

"Actually, I'm scheduled to be in a psych study."

Taylor let out a grumble. "That's a little lame. You could be spending your time with the cute boy."

"The cute boy and I spent a lot of time together. He baked me a cake last weekend."

"That's _adorable_! I want one like him."

"I want him," Jude sighed.

"Don't go back to being angsty Jude," Taylor said sternly. "I love you but you weren't the most fun at thirteen and fourteen."

"I was never 'angsty'," Jude scoffed.

Taylor scoffed right back at him. "Anyway, Halloween. Since I know there's not that much space in your apartment and it might not be nice to piss off your landlords."

"Yeah, that could be done," Jude said. "Who all do you think is coming to this?"

"I've brought it up to some people," Taylor confessed. "So far, there's maybe eight. Nine if you think Connor would want to come too. Which isn't a big number for either your apartment or a hotel room but I know how protective you can get about your space and if people were going to pass out drunk it might be better that we weren't in your place."

"You might be smart, Taylor."

 _"'Might be'_?" she asked shrilly. "Excuse you, Jude."

"Do you want to look into the hotel thing or do you want me to?"

"I can," Taylor said. "I'll do it soon, I'd like to have everything figured out earlier rather than later."

"Sounds like a plan."

"When are you seeing Connor again?"

"Tomorrow in class like every Friday. I thought you knew my schedule, Taylor," he teased.

"I try. I might as well be invested in your relationship seeing as I have none. I'm on the hunt, Jude, but so far, nothing."

"You can't force things, Taylor."

"And you're not a therapist. Or a fortune cookie. Have fun with the psych study, okay?"

"Okay, bye!"

"Bye!"

Jude hung up the phone and then turned it off as he headed into the psychology building. The psych study didn't last long – he was on the last part of it, which was just a questionnaire. It was a long one, nearly one hundred questions, and though the bubble sheet made his eyes cross at certain points, it certainly wasn't painful. He walked back outside in less than an hour and he flicked his phone on to find that he had a text from his sister, Mariana.

 **Mariana: Judicorn! Do you work on Friday/Saturday?**

 **Jude: Friday, no. Saturday, late shift. Midnight to six.**

 **Mariana: then you can come home on Friday night?**

 **Jude: yeah. Why? Is something wrong?**

 **Mariana: no. we just want to do a celebration dinner for callie's new job. First weekend we can all be around for it.**

 **Jude: I'll be home then!**

 **Mariana: see you!**

Jude threw his phone on the passenger seat and started the car. As he began to drive through campus, his eyes wandered to the tall building that housed that nano dorms. He wondered what Connor was doing right now. He wondered what Connor would do if Jude texted him out of the blue and asked him to hang out. Then, he wondered if Connor would want to. He and Connor saw each other at least four times a week and usually for several hours at a time. Jude didn't want Connor to feel suffocated by their friendship in anyway or bothered by it. He thought of Sunday, when he had hugged Connor and held the other man in his arms. Again, the feeling that Connor _fit_ there threatened to overwhelm Jude, but Jude shoved it back with the thought that, the same day, Connor had questioned Jude again about his feelings. Jude didn't want to creep Connor out or bother him. He didn't want to be that person.

As if Jude had summoned him, he saw Connor cutting across campus, sweat on his brow and a gym bag on his shoulder. Jude pulled over to the side of the road and called out a 'hey'. Connor nearly jumped out of his skin but Jude was happy to see that he relaxed when he recognized Gerald. He approached the passenger side and Jude rolled the window down.

"Can I drive you home?"

"It's a two minute walk."

"That could be a thirty second drive." Connor's expression remained flat. "Can I drive you to dinner?"

"Dinner?"

"I know it's only, like, five," Jude said. "But since you're here and I'm here …"

"I just went to the gym. I need to shower."

"Gerald and I would be happy to wait in the parking lot for you."

"Are you going to let me say no?"

"I'll always let you. It's your own choice to make. But if you want to go to dinner, you can pick where."

Jude always thought that Connor was going to just tell him that he'd see him tomorrow, but then Connor smiled and got into the passenger seat.

"You're very convincing," Connor said.

"In a bad way?"

"Not yet."

"Yet? You have high hopes for me."

It took the space of those few words for Jude and Connor to arrive at the nano parking lot.

"Maybe I do," Connor whispered. "Maybe that's not fair to you. But I don't know yet."

"That's all right. So, I'm sitting and waiting until we go to dinner?"

"If you don't mind."

"Not at all." Jude turned off the car and then made himself comfortable in the front seat. "But you should shower. You kind of smell."

"You're the one that let me in your car knowing I had come from the gym."

"Touché. You win that one."

"I won't be too long."

"Don't feel like you need to rush," Jude said. "I get Wi-Fi here. If I was running on data, we'd have a different situation."

Connor smirked and let himself out of the car. Jude spent his time scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed, which was mostly the same news he got out of it every time around. Some selfies, some vacation photos, and some complaints about university life. A girl he knew from high school was engaged; a boy he knew from high school was switching colleges; a boy he met in one of his intro to psych courses was switching majors; his first year R.A. was pregnant. Jude mindlessly scrolled along his phone screen, hitting like on a status or two when they were from people that he'd actually talked to in the past six months. It didn't take long before Connor was back in his car, this time with his usual back pack instead of a gym bag.

"Do I smell better?"

Jude leant forward and dramatically sniffed. He could smell soap strongly and, then, under that something that must have been Connor's deodorant. Whatever it was, it smelled _good_ and it had more than enough of an effect on him. Jude wondered what was wrong with him, that a simple smell could get him so wound up. He couldn't remember that happening to him, _ever_.

"A little," Jude finally forced out, remembering that Connor had asked him a question. He put himself in his seat properly. "What do you want to eat?"

"I was thinking about burgers? Just something simple."

"Sure. I know a place," Jude said.

"I trust your judgement … I think."

"I'll take it," Jude said, turning his steering wheel and heading out of the parking lot. "What else did you do today?"

"I had my entrepreneur class. We're being put into groups next week. We need to come up with a product, how to market it, and things like that. It's our final project."

"You don't sound too enthusiastic."

"It's people. I don't like people."

Jude stopped at a red light. "Should I be offended?"

"No. You're … just one person." Connor's fingers touched Jude's forearm. "You're my friend."

Jude dropped his hand off the steering wheel and took Connor's hand. "Is this all right?"

"If you can still drive."

"Trust me, I'm a doctor."

Connor laughed. "Or you've just proven yourself a liar."

"A doctor wouldn't lie."

Jude pulled into a parking lot and Connor looked around.

"Are we near your house?"

"Two streets that way," Jude said, pointing. "What do you think?"

"I think it looks like a burger place. And I think I trust your judgement."

The two of them got out of the car and walked into the small place. It was a crowded space, with people standing and sitting all around, and Jude looked over at Connor, who was shifting closer and closer to him. Being brushed up against here would be unavoidable.

"They do take-out," Jude said. "If you'd prefer my apartment."

"Please," Connor said.

It broke Jude's heart that it was a whimper.

"Okay, come here." Jude pulled Connor back outside the door, where there was a menu posted on the front of the business. "Tell me what you want, I'll go order, and then you can wait in Gerald this time."

"Thank you, Jude."

Connor was gripping tightly onto Jude's forearm. So tightly that it was nearly uncomfortable, and Jude reached up to put his fingers over Connor's.

"I interrupted your day. Might as well make this as easy as possible for you."

"Is it hard for you?" Connor asked suddenly. "I don't want things to be hard for you, either."

"This isn't hard for me. Let's pick burgers, okay?"

Connor was quick to pick one of the burgers, though Jude spent a few more minutes poking around at the menu.

"Are you good?"

Connor nodded. "Are … are you sure this is okay?"

"Completely. Don't worry about it, Connor." Jude could tell from the look on Connor's face that the request had been in vain. He fished his keys out of his pocket. "Here, just in case you need to turn the air conditioning on or something."

Connor opened his palm and, while Jude could have dropped the keys into his hand, instead, he pressed the keys into his hand. He knew that touching his hand didn't bother Connor anymore and Jude just wanted to feel the touch of Connor's fingers. Connor's hand curled around the keys.

"Don't get too bored in the car," Jude said.

"Maybe I'll go for a joyride," Connor said.

"You'd need to put gas in it," Jude teased. "I don't get paid until tomorrow so he's a little hungry."

"Then I shouldn't make you pay for –"

"Connor, I'm not _that_ broke. It's fine, okay? Trust me, I won't hide it when I am that broke."

Connor jingled the keys against his palm. "Okay."

Jude headed back into the mess of people, inching his way toward an older waitress, who quickly took his order and called him honey when she said that it wouldn't be long. Judging by the crowd, though, Jude didn't know how much he believed her. He took a stool along the counter at the front, turning so that he could see Connor. Connor was pulling the visor on the passenger side down to block the sun, and then Jude watched him curl up. From here, Jude couldn't read the expression on Connor's face but he hoped that he was feeling comfortable. There was something about the late day sunshine and just how good today had felt so far that was making Jude happy. He just wanted Connor to be happy too.

Jude pulled out his phone.

 **Jude: bored?**

 **Connor: you are**

 **Jude: a little. No one's having any interesting conversations for me to listen to**

 **Connor: I'm sorry**

 **Jude: the woman next to me is just talking about how her husband should dye his hair brown because he's starting to go grey**

 **Connor: she's not talking for your benefit**

 **Jude: oh, well, now I'm offended**

 **Connor: really?**

 **Jude: no**

He added a smiley face for good measure and then he sent the text. He watched Connor go from tense to more relaxed as he checked his phone again.

"Here, honey, one deluxe cheeseburger and one California burger, each with a side of fries! Can I get you anything else?"

"No, thank you."

Jude collected the paper bag that their take-out was collected in and slipped from the stool. He practically skipped out the front door and into the warmth of the day. He pulled on the driver's side door, only to find it locked. Connor looked sheepish as he reached over and unlocked the door for Jude.

"Sorry."

"No big deal. Here, hold onto this, please."

Connor took the bag and Jude headed home. It was a very short drive and soon, Connor was sitting at the counter, unpacking their food, while Jude was pulling ketchup and drinks out of the fridge. Jude had a few cans of beer in the back of the fridge and he almost reached for one, but then he glanced over at Connor. He got the feeling that Connor wasn't comfortable with alcohol, and Jude thought of a few reasons why. He wouldn't keep himself from drinking in front of Connor all the time but, for today, he didn't need one. Instead, he grabbed the jug of lemonade.

"Do you want anything else?" Jude asked, placing the items in front of Connor and then turning to grab glasses.

"You might think it's weird," Connor said, "but can I have some vinegar?"

"Ask and you shall receive," Jude said, digging for the bottle in his cupboard. He pulled it out with a flourish and set it on the counter too, and then he took his seat.

They were quiet as they ate, but it was the kind of silence that Jude enjoyed. There were no trickles of awkwardness between them. They were able to enjoy their food and share the ketchup bottle and just be happy in the moment. Jude decided that this one of his favourites way to feel. He tucked his foot on the bottom rung of Connor's stool and his toes touched the side of Connor's foot.

"Stealing my space?" Connor asked, but there was a lighthearted note to his tone that made Jude smile.

"That a problem?"

Connor hooked his foot around Jude's. Jude left their feet like that as they ate, but it was a bit of a strange position. He was just happy that it was contact that Jude hadn't initiated. Connor finished off his food first and sat there, swinging their feet in between the two stools. Jude even heard him humming under his breath.

"What song is that?"

"Oh." Connor blushed. "I didn't mean to …" He trailed off as he sometimes did, as if he was waiting for Jude to talk over him. "Was I bothering you?"

"No. What song was it?"

"It was just _Drops Of Jupiter_ ," Connor admitted. "You know, the song by Train."

"I don't live under a rock … most of the time. Even then, my rock is just my job and the radio is always on."

Connor smiled, but he was staring down at the counter and he wouldn't look up at Jude. Jude wiggled his toes against Connor's foot and dropped his fry.

" _Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey_."

Connor let out the weirdest sounding snort and he covered his face with both hands.

Jude made sure to continue his dramatic, awkward screeching. " _She acts like summer and walks like rain, reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey, hey_."

He almost didn't get through the line this time. He was laughing too hard at himself. He still reached out and pulled one of Connor's hands away from his face so he could madly gesture with it.

 _"Since the return of her stay on the moon!_ "

"Okay, okay!" Connor laughed.

"What? You don't think I'm a good singer!?"

Connor hesitated. "I think you could be okay … if you weren't trying to be funny."

"I was funny enough for you to laugh with me."

"You are funny," Connor amended.

Jude dropped Connor's hand and reached for the rest of his fries, quickly eating them. "Can I convince you to hang out a bit longer?"

"I might be upset if you didn't ask," Connor admitted.

Jude grinned, gathering up their take-out containers. "These are my favourite kind of dishes."

"I can't see why," Connor said.

Jude dropped them into the trash. "Sarcasm looks good on you."

Jude suspected he was biased. He also knew that Connor was smart enough to realize that too, but there was no suspicious expression on Connor's face. Connor didn't comment on it, however, and they took their seats on the couch together. Connor sat close to Jude again, and Jude felt comfortable enough to put his head back on Connor's shoulder. Connor's hand found Jude's free one and Jude smiled, though it faded as he thought. Connor felt only friendship. That was all there was behind the gesture. Jude inhaled the sweet scent of Connor's laundry detergent. Friendship was more than enough.

"Oh! Can we watch that one?" Connor said. "Sorry, I mean, if that's what you want to watch."

Jude looked up at the screen. "Another comedy special by that John guy?"

"I really liked him."

"Then that's what we'll watch." Jude went to press play.

"Wait!" Connor blurted. "I think there's something I should talk to you about."

Jude put the remote down on the coffee table and he sat up so that he and Connor were facing one another. Connor looked more nervous than Jude could ever remember seeing him. His hands, which he had pulled into his lap, were clenched tightly together and his whole body was trembling.

Jude's mouth went dry. "What's wrong?"

"I need to say this right. So you understand. So you don't get mad …"

"I'm not going to get mad at you, Connor."

There was nothing but doubt on Connor's face and Jude couldn't blame him for that.

"Hypothetically," Connor said, "what would you say if I said I wanted to kiss you?"

Jude felt like his heart was going to stop and his whole body went tight. Still, he thought about his answer carefully. He didn't know where this was going to go. "I … would say that you should ask me to kiss you, then."

"And if I asked?"

"I'd kiss you." Jude couldn't resist asking his own question. "Do you want me to?"

"That's the harder part. You have to understand that I've only ever known _him_ like that. For so long, I _knew_ that it was only ever going to be him that I would be with. And I – I was convinced I loved him, then. But I've been learning that the way that we were together wasn't normal and the more that I learn the more I realize how much it affected me and how b-bad it was. I'm still trying to figure out what's normal and what my feelings really are. Sometimes reality isn't how I see it because I'm still seeing it through the lens of him. Where … where I'm scared about anything and everything because I feel like something's always going to be coming after me. Am I making sense?"

"I think so," Jude murmured. "It just leaves me wondering. Do you want to kiss me as an experiment?"

Jude had been kissed once before by a boy who said he wasn't gay. He hadn't been sure at the time how to feel about it, though he knew that he'd felt used. He hadn't even liked the boy who kissed him – they'd been casual acquaintances, perhaps on their way to being friends – but Jude hadn't even had something close to resembling a crush on him. He didn't know how he would feel if Connor said yes to his question. He _liked_ Connor; he liked Connor so much that it was hard for Jude to wrap his head around the fact that he'd barely met the other boy a month ago.

"No!" Connor burst out. "I mean, that's not how I see it. I knew I'd get this wrong, I'm so sorry, Jude."

Connor hid his face away in his hands and tried to curl up into a ball.

"It's okay. Take your time."

It took a few moments before Connor sat up and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, staring downward at the couch cushions. He took a few deep breaths and his shaking became even more pronounced.

"I meant … I know that I want to kiss you. But I don't know what that means. I still don't know if I want to be more than your friend. I don't know if I'd want to kiss you again after. I'm … a mess of a person. I know that. You know that. I can't hide it. What I know is that I want to be your friend. You're the best friend I've ever had, as sad as that might sound. I want to keep that. And that's selfish and I'm so sorry. I just I'm trying to figure this out the best that I can!"

Jude was at a loss for words. "Can I have a hug?"

Connor leant into his arms. "I'm so sorry, Jude."

Jude carefully crossed his arms along Connor's back. He'd learnt, last time, that Connor didn't like it when his arms went around his waist in the same way. Jude tucked his head against Connor, searching for the right thing to say.

"Connor, I'm going to be your friend," he said, because that part was easy to handle. "That's before everything. We're friends."

"We're friends," Connor whispered.

"Why do you think you want to kiss me?"

"Because I feel safe with you. Because I'm not blind and I know you're cute. Because we're friends but then … sometimes, I wonder if that's all. My dad talked about you. He said that I shouldn't get in my own way and I'm just wondering if I'm just being scared. I want you to be happy." Connor lifted his head and Jude met his eyes. "Why? What are you thinking?"

"Is this about making your dad happy? Or you think you need to be with me because I like you?"

"I don't think so. On either. I … want to know if … if … if I could be that kind of happy with you, I guess? I don't want to be in my own way. And you don't make me feel that way, Jude. You know, like I'm trapped. Sometimes my world gets strange, but I know you try and make sure that I don't feel like I have to do one thing or another with you and I see that, I do, and I appreciate it."

Jude gripped Connor's hands tightly. "You just still don't seem used to being next to each other on the couch, sometimes. You're shaking. I can't make that worse for you. If we want to do this, I don't want to do it before we're ready."

"That's why I said I don't know if I'd be able to do it again. I did say that, didn't I? I just … it's been on my mind, Jude. I want to kiss you."

"Now?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded.

His eyes were Jude's undoing. "We're going to be friends, right? No matter what?"

Connor nodded again. "Jude … can I kiss you?"

"Yes," Jude whispered, so breathless that he hardly made any sound at all.

He closed his eyes as he and Connor moved toward one another. He felt butterflies well up in his stomach as Connor's lips met his. It was the shortest kiss that Jude had have ever had. Their lips brushed one another with the barest amount of pressure and then Connor was ducking away. He fell into Jude, instead of away from him, tucking his head back against Jude's shoulder. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor without opening his eyes, just trying to get a hold of his breath and slow his heartbeat. The feelings inside of him were something that he'd never felt. He didn't know what to do about the way he felt about Connor; the way that he'd felt for Dylan had been completely different. Jude didn't know what to do about any of it.

"What are you feeling?" Jude asked Connor.

The closer that he and Connor got, the more unbelievable it seemed to Jude that this was only a friendship. He'd respect that line, he couldn't imagine _not_ respecting the man in his arms, but Jude felt as if he fell for Connor more every time that he saw the other man, and then there was this. The kiss. Jude just didn't know.

"I think …" Connor said, "Um. I don't know. It'd be so much easier if you could just tell me how I feel."

"I can't do that."

"You could. I'd listen to you."

The fact that it was the truth terrified Jude to the core. "I wouldn't do that to you. It needs to be your choice."

"I know. I just don't know if I can figure it out."

"Then take it one little bit at a time. It won't change the fact that I'm here for you."

"Maybe not right now … but maybe some other time we could do it again? I … didn't feel what I expected to feel."

Jude settled his cheek on the top of Connor's head. Connor didn't seem in a hurry to let go of Jude any time soon, which surprised him. Less than a month ago, Connor had rushed from one side of a bed to the other when Jude had accidentally brushed against his leg. Maybe he'd just needed someone to be nice to him. Maybe he _was_ unintentionally using Jude. Maybe he couldn't separate genuine human kindness from romantic feelings. Jude's stomach clenched at the thought. He actually didn't know if he could deal with that.

"What did you expect to feel?"

"Either nothing or … When he kissed me, it always just made me confused. I just always felt like it wasn't enough or he was holding something back or there was just something that I was missing. It's so hard to explain."

"What did you feel with me?" It was the more important question to Jude, though he knew that he had to be respectful of anything Connor felt safe enough to reveal about his ex-boyfriend.

"That's the part I'm trying to figure out. It wasn't nothing. I know that. I'm sorry I can't say more. I'm so sorry."

"No, no, no. That's enough."

"W-what did you feel?"

"Like I expected kissing you to feel. I was happy. I liked it. It made me think about –" Jude cut himself off. "It was good."

"No, please!" Connor sat up, suddenly sounding desperate. "Please tell me what you were going to say. I hate not know, please! _Please!_ "

"Okay, okay. Just calm down, okay? I'll tell you."

"Not to force you! I j-j-just –"

"Connor, let's just take a deep breath, okay?" Jude suggested, sitting back again so that they could look at one another.

Connor heaved in a breath. The grip he had on Jude's hands was tight, and Jude ran his thumbs over Connor's knuckles.

"Okay," Jude said, taking his own breath. "First thing: if there's something I can do to help you, it's okay to tell me. I'd tell you if something was bothering me and you could do something to help, okay?"

Connor nodded, just staring into Jude's eyes.

"Second thing." Jude closed his eyes. This one was harder to say, because he didn't know what Connor would say in response. "I was going to say that it made me think about being with you. You know, being your boyfriend."

"Oh. I … I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything yet. Do you want to just watch the movie? Maybe we can talk about it after?"

"Okay. Yeah. Okay." Connor's voice was watery and shaking as he nodded.

He put his head down on Jude's shoulder.

"Can I put my arm around your shoulders?" Jude asked, not wanting to push anything right now. He couldn't tell what was on Connor's mind; he didn't know what Connor thought about everything they had just said or about their brief kiss.

"Okay."

Jude carefully settled his arm around Connor. Connor wasn't tense under Jude's arm, which made Jude feel happy. Maybe Connor wasn't scared. Maybe Connor did know what he was doing. Maybe … Jude desperately tried to stop that train of thought. He wasn't going to tease himself with all of the possibilities, he couldn't. He was just going to sit here, enjoy the comedy special, and let Connor think it through. Jude thought that he and Connor were both clear on where Jude stood. It was Connor that had to lead this. It was Connor that had to make the decisions.

It was ten o'clock when the parting joke was made. Connor hadn't moved all through the two hours and he reluctantly sat up, feeling Jude's arm slide off his shoulders. He was scared to look into Jude's face. What did Jude think of him now? Did Jude see how broken he was? Did he hate Connor for it? Was he ready to give up on Connor? Their friendship probably wasn't worth it to him now.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked.

Connor didn't understand how anyone could be so sweet.

"I – I think so." Connor tapped his cell phone screen and checked the time. It getting a little late and it was about the time that he usually left Jude's but he didn't really want to go. He didn't know whether or not Jude wanted him to stay.

"If you're all right, I think we should let Gerald be lazy in the driveway for another hour or so. What do you think?"

"It's like you … you can read my mind."

"I think it's because you just let me know you."

Connor leant back into Jude's side, resting his head along Jude's collarbone. The side of his neck ached; he'd been in this position too long. Connor ignored it. He wanted to be right here. Jude's arm rested around him again and all Connor felt was comfort. Jude turned the TV to a rerun of a sitcom, but Connor wasn't really interested in paying attention to it. Instead, he closed his eyes and thought of Jude's kiss. It wasn't like Connor's first kiss at all, which had been with a girl during a round of spin the bottle. He hadn't felt anything for her and she hadn't felt anything for him. And it wasn't like Connor's first kiss with his ex-boyfriend. Connor hadn't been expecting that kiss at all. He'd been so young, just two weeks shy of his fifteenth birthday, and he'd been in the middle of a terrifying emotional whirlwind where he was desperately trying to come to terms with the fact that he was gay and where he was beginning to suspect that he had a crush on the older man in front of him, who he knew was gay. They'd been sitting together, after one of Connor's baseball games, and then he'd just been kissed. He hadn't been able to prepare for it; he wasn't ready for that kiss at all, or all that it would bring with it. His first kiss with another male had left him confused and anxious. He hadn't known what to expect from kissing Jude; he only knew that from his previous kisses, he'd felt nothing or he'd felt a lot of harsh things. It wasn't like that. Kissing Jude had felt like Connor had always seen kisses described. He'd felt butterflies, he'd felt excited, he'd felt like the seconds that he had spent kissing Jude could have lasted forever.

Those feelings were nearly scarier than anything else Connor had ever felt. He'd never had those feelings before. He knew that Jude would give him the time and space to figure it out but that frustrated Connor too. It came back to the same feeling he'd had since returning to Adam's house in December. If he were any other person, any other boy, he wouldn't be treated the way that he was. Jude and Adam would not have to watch their words and their actions so carefully. They wouldn't have to be so overly considerate. Connor sometimes wondered how much of it was genuine and how much of an act was put on for him; he knew that it wasn't hard to see how fragile he was, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. He'd never been good at it.

If he were someone else, he might be free to kiss Jude, because they would both know what he meant by it. If he were someone else, he would know the line between friends and boyfriends. He would be able to recognize when his feelings were platonic or if they were romantic. If he were someone else … he might be happy.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

Connor lifted his head off Jude's shoulder and, _oh_ , his face was right there. His lips were right there. Connor felt himself tense, but not in any of the ways he was used to. He knew what fear felt like on his body. He knew what he did when he was expecting pain. This, Connor didn't recognize. He felt like there was an electric current in his veins.

"Can we kiss again?"

"Are you sure you want to?"

Connor nodded. At least, one more time, he wanted to know what Jude's lips felt like when they touched his. This time, he wanted a longer kiss. He knew that he was the reason that the kiss had been short last time but he'd been caught off-guard, despite being the initiator. Connor felt Jude's hand tighten slightly against his bicep and he knew what was coming. This time, he was prepared for Jude's kiss and how soft his lips were. He was prepared for the way his heart felt like it was skipping beats and the way that he just wanted to stay there in the innocence of the moment. Connor knew better than to try and push himself that far and he broke the kiss once again. This time, he didn't hide. He stayed close to Jude, watching as Jude's eyes slowly opened.

"Connor," he murmured.

"I don't think I'm ready to talk about it anymore," Connor whispered.

"That's okay," Jude said.

Connor really didn't think it was. He couldn't imagine that, if the world were the other way around, that he would have the patience for dealing with a person like him. In this world, he barely had the patience to deal with himself. He slowly put himself back into Jude's arms. They didn't speak again until it was late enough that they both knew that Connor had to go back to his dorm room. Connor wasn't sure what he would have even said if Jude had tried to talk. He and Jude held hands for the duration of the drive and Connor wondered how much Jude was reading into it. Jude had said that kissing him made him think about dating him and Connor's brain nearly stalled out at the idea of that. He didn't know if he'd ever be okay with being a boyfriend again. The thought of going back to being someone's property made him feel a little ill.

"I'll see you in class tomorrow," Jude said.

Connor looked up at the nano building. He couldn't see his room window from here. Then, he looked over at Jude. "Tomorrow."

Jude squeezed his hand gently and Connor wondered if he was expecting a kiss. As usual, he got it all wrong. Jude didn't look at him like he expected anything. Instead, Jude just told him goodnight and Connor let go of his hand and slipped out of the car. He walked inside his building and then turned around at the door and watched Jude drive away. Connor only turned to go up the stairs once Jude was out of the parking lot.

He entered his room thinking not about Jude but about his ex. Being with his ex was a constant whirlwind of emotion. Connor had always felt like he was a pinball, flying from one corner of the machine to another, never being able to rest or escape. Their relationship had been escalated. The time period from when Connor first met him to when he'd moved in with him was only three and a half weeks. But for those three and a half weeks, Connor had been anxious whenever he'd been dropped back off at his father's house. He'd never able to just be content and happy with how things were with his ex. He'd always been on edge.

Now, he and Jude had kissed and he was alone. If this was anything like his last relationship, Connor would be expecting his phone to be blowing up, because space and privacy were something that Connor had given up so that he could have his relationship. Connor knew he would get one more text from Jude and that it would be Jude saying he arrived home safely. There were no expectations that they have to talk every moment; there were no expectations that they had to spend every free moment together. Connor just liked spending time with him.

Connor folded his desk down and his bed came out. He straightened out the blankets and pillows, rolling his desk chair out of the way. He sent a single text to Adam, saying that he was in for the night. Then, he got ready for bed slowly, not willing to let his head touch the pillow until he heard that Jude was home safely. Twenty minutes after Connor had said goodnight to Jude in front of his building, the text came in, and that was when Connor tucked himself into bed. He pulled his blankets up close to his chin and then pressed his face against the pillow. He couldn't help the smile on his face as the thought of kissing Jude crossed his mind once more.

Connor knew that he would need time. He also knew that Jude would give it to him. He knew that, if he wanted, Jude would be with him for every step of the way.

Maybe things would be okay after all.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Drops Of Jupiter**_ **by Train (also song featured in the chapter). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**


	13. The Fighter

Jude hadn't known what to expect when he sat down next to Connor the next day in class. Connor greeted him with a smile and a soft hello and nothing seemed any different than it had been since they'd met as they sat through Kroger's lecture. It bugged Jude a little bit. He thought things should seem a little different. They'd _kissed_. And though he'd tried to pretend otherwise, he had fallen asleep convinced that he and Connor were more friends now. It crushed him to think that he was wrong. Connor had kissed him and he had kissed Connor but Connor had decided that they were only friends. Jude couldn't help the dour mood that overcame him through the course of lecture. He was sulky and quiet, even as he and Connor went to find a bench to eat lunch on. Connor sat close, but he was silent too as they dug out their food.

"Um, I …" Connor started.

He hesitated again and Jude felt terrible. He knew that Connor was only reacting to his mood but Jude couldn't force himself to be cheerful and upbeat. He just didn't feel it right now.

Connor collected himself. "On my way to class, I saw a guy with a big moustache. He had it curled on the ends. I didn't know anyone who still did that … Isn't that funny?"

"Yeah," Jude said, and then he sighed. "Sorry, Connor."

"If I'm allowed to be sad then you're allowed to be sad," Connor said. "Can I help?"

"Maybe."

Connor straightened up. "Tell me. Please."

"Just this: are we friends? _Only_ friends?"

"Oh."

Jude's heart sunk as Connor tucked his hands into his lap, clenching them tightly together. Connor had his head bowed. They were only friends. It was ridiculous for Jude's heart to feel like it was breaking, but that's what he felt. He had only known Connor a month, had only kissed him twice, and yet, Jude had liked him so much. Jude had felt so invested in the relationship that never was … and would never be.

"I don't … I don't think so. I'm not in a … in a good enough place to say I can be in a relationship. I'm not ready. And, like I said yesterday, my feelings get so confused and sometimes it's hard for me to figure it out. B-but I don't think that I want you to only be my friend."

"We can take it slow," Jude said in a rush. "Whatever pace you need. I'm here for that and for you. I just … want to be with you as more than a friend."

Connor let out a little whimper. " _With_ _me_. What do you expect from me?"

"Not sex. Not yet. I don't think we're ready to talk about that," Jude quickly assured him. "I just meant that I want to know you feel more than friendship. I like holding your hand and talking to you and cuddling with you and watching movies and if you wanted to kiss me again, I'd be okay with that."

Connor looked up at him and smiled. "I like the sound of all of that."

Jude reached for his hand, but Connor tucked them into his lap.

"Jude, not … not in public, okay? Not yet."

"I understand."

"I didn't upset you, did you? I don't want to let you down, Jude. Please, I'm sorry."

"Connor, it's okay. Really. We'll figure it out."

Jude just felt relief that Connor wanted to be with him. He could feel the pieces of his heart knit themselves back together. Connor wanted to try.

"Can we see each other this weekend?" Connor asked.

"Sunday? I'm going home tonight and most of Saturday and then I work Saturday night."

Connor nodded. "You know I don't do anything."

"Okay, Sunday," Jude agreed. "Do you want to meet kind of early? I know a really good place that does Sunday brunch."

"How early?"

"Oh, you like to sleep late?" Jude teased. "Maybe eleven or eleven-thirty. I actually work until like six a.m. or something so I need a few hours of sleep."

"Okay, I'll be ready. Have fun at home."

"I'll probably text you if you don't mind," Jude said. "There's no reason why I shouldn't spread their antics as best as I can."

"You don't need to text me while spending time with your family."

"Oh, not while we're out or anything. But, you know, if we're all crammed on the couch and they're all texting someone there's no reason I can't too."

"I won't be doing anything exciting."

"You can send me pictures of whatever movie you're watching. You don't need to be thrilling all the time for me to like talking to you."

"I'll send you Grumpy Cat photos whenever the conversation dies," Connor promised.

Jude laughed. "Then you'll definitely be the more interesting half of the conversation."

Connor didn't look like he believed it.

"Did you see anything else interesting on your way to class?"

"No," Connor said. "But it's always interesting here. Always people doing something. It's nice to see people so willing to be weird or strange or exactly who they are. It's nice to know that they feel comfortable enough here to do that."

"What kind of things do you mean?" Jude asked.

He leant his arm on the back of the bench and propped his chin up on his hand. Connor echoed his pose and they tilted toward one another, their knees touching.

"Like … people in onesies or boys in dresses or people with bright pink hair or guys on unicycles or whatever or gay people holding hands. It's not perfect out in the world, I know that, but it's nice to think of the campus as this safe accepting bubble where it doesn't matter because we're all just weird students." Connor went red. "It's stupid, I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk like that."

"No, I like it. You're right. It's a nice thought. I like to hear your thoughts, Connor."

Connor nudged his knee. "I think it's almost time for our next class."

Jude sighed and checked the time. "Yeah, you're right."

"Walk me to class?" Connor asked, as if Jude didn't do it every time.

"I wouldn't miss five more minutes with you," Jude said. He'd meant it to be light, perhaps even flirty – though he had so little experience with flirting. It wasn't how Connor took it. An uneasy expression crossed his face. "Just because I like spending time with you. I can spend five minutes away from you. I don't need to talk to you all the time. If you just want to spend time away from each other that's fine too. I'm not like that."

Connor nodded shallowly. "I just … Thinking about it, this is fast already. I feel like I want this to be right. I just need to get there slowly."

"I know. You don't need to worry about that with me. If you want to take more time or slow it down or go a little backward that's okay. It's not working if we're both not comfortable."

Connor didn't reply. He picked up his back pack and Jude thought that Connor was going to leave him sitting on the bench by himself. Connor glanced over at him.

"Are you going to walk me to class?"

Jude grinned and pulled his bag over his shoulder. He walked Connor to his next class and bid him goodbye, and then he went off to his next classes. He made it through the afternoon all right. As soon as his final class was dismissed, Jude got into Gerald and started driving for home. He rolled the window down and turned the radio up, feeling happy as he made it down the highway. He couldn't have asked for his conversation with Connor to have gone any better than it had. He didn't officially have a boyfriend but his new friend was a little more than a friend and Jude's heart could have sung about it.

Jude's sense of timing about how long it would take him to get to the restaurant Callie had chosen for her celebration dinner was off and he found a space in the parking lot ten minutes after their reservation time. He rushed into the restaurant and found his family surrounding a long table. Stef spotted him first and Jude made sure to hug both of his mothers before doing anything else.

"You're not that late, we just sat down a few minutes ago." Lena pecked at his cheek.

Jude took his seat between Jesus and Lena, across from Callie.

"How's the job?" Jude asked. "Now that you've been at it for a couple weeks."

"Oh, it's … fun. The people I work with are really great and it's a small staff so it's like a whole other family."

"Because we all need more family members," Jesus quipped.

Callie laughed. "But it's good. I'm doing a little bit of everything and follow all the reporters they have. If they need pictures taken of a ball game, I go take pictures of a ball game. If they want pictures taken of squirrels in the park, I go take pictures of squirrels in the park."

"Soon you'll be world famous and taking pictures for some newspaper everyone's heard of," Mariana said.

"Whether it's just a stepping stone or not, it's what's most important right now," Callie said seriously.

"Enjoy the moment," Stef said.

"Let's enjoy ordering," Brandon said. "I'm _starving_."

"For once, he's saying something sensible," Jesus said.

Brandon snorted but, wisely, decided not to comment.

Jude opened his menu, quickly perusing the options. He felt like he'd been eating out a lot recently with Connor. He decided that cooking dates were definitely in their future and that, this time, he'd help Connor out rather than just watching him make another shrimp bake. Just thinking of the shrimp bake made Jude's mouth water and he forced himself to refocus on the list of burgers in front of him. He would not be getting Connor's shrimp bake tonight. He decided on a Cajun chicken burger and then he closed his menu.

Jude looked up as Mariana and Jesus began to snipe happily at one another. Jesus was teasing her for being an old student, though Mariana was a grad student now, deciding that she wasn't satisfied with just her bachelor's degree in computer graphics design. She was teasing him in return for being scared off school so easily, even though all of them had been encouraged on to university and had done fairly well.

"What about you, Jude?" Callie asked. "I feel like we don't talk as much when you're at school."

"Same old," Jude said. Connor's name flitted around on the tip of his tongue but he kept it to himself. He didn't want to jinx it just yet. "Class, work. I'm still happy there, though."

"Thought about life after you graduate?" Callie asked.

"Nope," Jude said. "I know I need to think more on it. I'll figure it out. I'll just have to start crashing into my advisor's office more until I figure it out. I have another year, though, at least. Assuming I get all my credits in."

"Don't feel bad about needing to take more time. Better to do it right and do your best," Stef said.

"Yes, Mom."

Stef smiled at him and Jude relaxed back into his seat, sipping at his water glass. No matter how old any of them got, when it was just him, his four siblings, and his two mothers around a table, they all fell back into their old roles. It was always comforting for Jude to go home to light-hearted bickering and old stories. Even when some of them were actually fighting and not bickering, they were still family. Jude liked being out on his own in his apartment, but sometimes he missed living at home.

They all toasted to Callie before they started to eat, each of them taking care to clink their glasses against everyone else's. Mariana joked about Callie texting a boyfriend, though Callie said that it was just her boss, which led to some poking fun at relationship statuses.

"Moms are the only ones of us who have one," Jesus teased.

It was true, Jude realized. Mariana was too deep into her studies to make time for a relationship; Jesus had been in love with a girl last year who had left him and he hadn't dated since; Brandon had been casually dating someone but Jude hadn't heard her mentioned since he went back to school; and Callie was just single. Jude had Connor, but Connor wasn't a boyfriend. Jude wasn't about to classify him as a relationship just yet either. That would be definitely getting ahead of himself.

"Something on your mind, Judicorn?" Mariana called.

Jude met his sister's gaze. "Just that I missed you."

"You're so cute," Mariana gushed.

"That's because he's related to me," Callie said quickly.

It was wonderful that family didn't change.

Jude didn't speak much throughout dinner; his siblings kept up most of the banter, with Moms interjecting every now and again. He just liked to listen to Mariana try to explain her thesis while Jesus talked about the annoying guy in the cubicle next to him. It seemed like it had been ten minutes, not two hours, since Jude had sat down. It was always a little bittersweet to hug his siblings goodbye, though he knew that it wouldn't be long before he saw them again. It was just strange that they had apartments that they would all be driving back to tonight, where he was the only ones that would be following his parents' home to sleep in his old bed.

He parked Gerald behind Stef's and Lena's car and followed them up to the front door. Walking inside, it seemed impossible that Jude hadn't walked in here until the year he turned thirteen. It seemed like this house had been his house forever.

"I'm going to go up to bed, love," Stef said. "I had an early morning. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Jude gave her a kiss goodnight.

"I think I'll stay down here with you," Lena decided.

"Are you sure? You're getting up there, Mom. Maybe you need to go to bed at eight-thirty too."

"Shh," Lena said. "I'm going to make tea. Do you want some?"

Jude agreed and followed Lena into the kitchen. He took a seat at the island as she filled the kettle with water to boil. He propped his elbows on the island and settled his head in his hands.

"Something on your mind?" Lena asked.

"Maybe," Jude admitted.

"Want to talk about it?"

"I met a boy."

Lena turned her head to grin at him, her dark curls bobbing about her head. "At school?"

"In my Greek mythology class."

"How's it going? Does he like you back?"

"He kissed me. But it's … kind of complicated."

This made Lena pause. She dropped tea bags into two mugs. "Relationships that are complicated from the start don't tend to get easier. Is he with someone else?"

"No, not technically." Jude took a deep breath. It was only to a parent that he would give Connor's secrets. "His last boyfriend was abusive. They were together for years. He was fifteen and his boyfriend was twenty-three! And … he's trying. He likes me, he told me, but it's just … a lot. There are times when I know he's thinking about his ex and I can't stop it. I can't make it better. And it's not like I can force him to focus on the here and now. He told me that he and his ex broke up in December and that's not that long to get over something like that."

"Oh, Jude." Lena slid a mug in front of him and took the seat next to him. "You're right, that _is_ a lot. You've only known this boy for, what, a month?"

Jude nodded. "I _like_ him. He likes me. It's not that I don't think he's worth it because I know that he is. I just don't want to hurt him or do the wrong thing."

Lena ran her hand through his hair and down his back, keeping her arm around him. "Going slowly is never a bad thing. Take your time and make sure you're both on the same page."

"That's what I keep saying! But it's so hard sometimes. When I was with Dylan it was easier because we were friends and it was obvious what we wanted from a relationship from each other." Jude sighed. "We were friends and we were both gay and it just seemed like it would make sense for us to be a couple. It was just trying to … figure things out for a lot of the relationship. Not all of it … but with Connor, it's not like it's circumstance or having someone there that we can feel safe figure out our identities with. I _want_ to be with him because of who he is. Am I even making sense?" Jude slumped forward.

"Yes," Lena assured him. "First off, I know I'm your mother, but we're adults, and you can say the word 'sex' to me. I know you and Dylan were together for years –"

Jude quickly sat up at that. "Mom, you gave me the talk when I was fifteen. I'm okay. But Dylan and I never had sex. I wasn't ready for it then and I don't think I'd be ready for it right now either. Not even if Connor asked, but I know he wouldn't."

"I see what you're saying, Jude. Dylan was a first love and those don't last and they're a very different circumstance from other people, if only because we meet them so young."

"I mean, I wasn't _lying_ when I told Dylan that I loved him. It's that I don't think the way I loved him is the way that I'm going to love the person I really end up with." Jude took a sip of his tea, even though it was still too hot and it scalded his tongue. "What did it feel like when you first met Mom?"

"Well, it was attraction at first sight," Lena reflected. "You know that I was out but that she had just divorced Mike, so it wasn't easy for her to wrap her head around her sexuality at first and so that was an obstacle that we met very early on."

"Why did you decide that it would be better to wait and see if she came out rather than just looking for someone that already had?" Jude glanced at Lena. "Did you have some kind of sense that you'd marry her then?"

"No. It took some time for us to get to the point where we realized that it was far more serious than just a couple of dates and that it was going to be us for the long haul. Deciding to spend your life with someone isn't some magical revelation that comes on quickly. It's something that comes with spending time with the other person, realizing that you want the same things, and deciding that _together_."

It was all so logical and so obvious and it was all something that Jude could have told himself. But hearing it come from Lena's mouth, who had been there and lived through it and was happily married to the love of her life, made all the difference to Jude. Lena had been there and come out happy. And while Stef not identifying as a lesbian and Connor being an abuse victim weren't the same thing, they were both early relationship obstacles.

"As for why I decided to wait … other than the fact that I liked her." Lena nudged Jude's shoulder with her own and Jude found himself smiling. His mothers being happy and in love was always something that he liked to see and hear about. "It was because she told me that she was working on it and that she liked me. I wouldn't have waited forever. If she had kept telling me that she was going to tell her family she was with a woman and didn't, I would have had to walk away, because that wouldn't have been healthy for either of us. I almost _did_ walk away. But she wasn't letting me."

Jude tapped his mug, watching his tea ripple.

"Above all else, Jude, you need to think of you. I know that you like Connor and I know that he's got to be someone special for him to have your attention like this, but he is not more important than you are. Don't feel like you have to participate in a relationship because he needs you. You have to keep yourself safe and happy."

"Oh, Mom, he's not like that. He's sweet and considerate. Sometimes he gets worked up and anxious but I haven't ever felt like I _had_ to be something different for him. I try and be more considerate because of what he's been through but I don't think I change."

"Just make sure you don't. You're good enough just as you are."

"You'll see what I mean when you meet him," Jude said.

Lena paused. "When?"

"Oh!" Jude felt as if his cheeks were on fire as he realized what he'd said. "I don't mean that I have plans to bring him here any time soon. It's just that … I like him."

"Well, he's got to be someone very special then."

"He is," Jude said. "He really is."

"I'm always here if you need to talk about anything else," Lena said. "You know we're both always here for you."

"I know." Jude cupped his hands around his mug. "Think you're young enough to stay up through a movie?"

"I think I can handle that."

They relocated to the couch and as Lena picked something out, Jude sent a text to Connor.

 **Jude: sadly, I have no food fights to report**

 **Connor: that's a sad thing?**

 **Connor: has that happened before?**

 **Jude: not in public. We had an incident at home once. The biggest battle was over who would get to shower first when it was all over**

 **Connor: who won?**

 **Jude: Moms. Then mariana. As the youngest, I had to suffer with potato salad in my hair for the longest**

 **Connor: oh. I'm sorry.**

 **Jude: it was a funny day. no need to worry about it. did you do anything interesting today?**

 **Connor: I told you I wouldn't**

 **Jude: so what boring things did you do?**

 **Connor: made supper. I went to the gym. Talked to Dad.**

 **Jude: how was dinner?**

"Is that him?" Lena asked.

"Connor," Jude supplied. "Yeah, it is. He made breakfast for supper."

"You look happy," Lena said.

"I am. I feel happy talking to him. That's got to mean something, right?"

"It definitely does. Just take your time and listen to your heart."

"And my moms."

"And your moms," Lena agreed. "Let's say we get this movie started, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed.

He settled in against his mother, drinking his tea and texting Connor. There was nothing about the moment that didn't make him happy.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too," Lena replied.

Jude looked down at his phone to see the picture of Grumpy Cat that Connor had sent him.

 **Jude: it's nice to know you keep your promises**

 **Connor: I do my best**

 **Jude: I like your best**

He got another picture of Grumpy Cat for that.

 **Jude: how was your dad when you talked to him?**

 **Connor: I told him about you**

Jude felt his stomach do a flip. He should have expected it. After all, he knew that Connor told his father a lot of things that went on his life, if not everything that went on his life. And Jude would have been hypocritical to have been upset by it. He'd just had a long conversation with Lena and had told her far more personal things about Connor than Connor would have been able to tell his father about Jude. Still, he felt anxious at the thought of Connor's father knowing about their semi-relationship. Would his father approve? Connor's father had a right to be concerned about Connor and who is son spent time with, particularly in a romantic way.

 **Jude: what did he say?**

 **Connor: that he was going to trust me to make my own decisions but that he's going to worry.**

 **Jude: seems reasonable.**

 **Connor: I guess so.**

 **Jude: or it's not?**

 **Connor: if it's okay, I'd rather talk about this kind of stuff face to face.**

 **Jude: perfectly okay!**

 **Connor: are you sure?**

 **Jude: completely!**

 **Connor: we also talked about winter break**

 **Jude: are you going home for it?**

 **Connor: Dad talked about taking a trip. He always used to say he'd take me to New York. I think that's where he'll take me.**

 **Jude: that sounds cool! I've never been there**

 **Connor: if we go, I'll send you lots of pictures.**

 **Jude: Promise?**

 **Connor: promise.**

Jude was still texting Connor when the movie ended and Lena teased him about it.

"Did you like it? Or do you even know what happened?"

"It was okay," Jude said. "You know I don't get these old people movies."

"Old! This movie came out in the nineties!"

"Before my time," Jude reminded her.

"You sure know how to make someone feel old."

"Sorry."

"Are you coming up to bed or are you going to stay down here a while?"

"I think I'm going to stay down here," Jude said.

Lena kissed him goodnight and Jude stretched out on the couch. He flicked the channels around until he found a familiar sitcom and then he picked up his phone again.

 **Connor: Christmas feels like it's too far away to talk about**

 **Jude: Taylor and I are still trying to plan Halloween**

 **Connor: oh. Right. The party.**

 **Jude: which you're still invited to**

 **Connor: can I tell you closer?**

 **Jude: you can tell me whenever you want**

And there was Grumpy Cat again. Jude just rested his head against the arm of the couch and moved the topic along to something else so that he could keep talking to Connor. Half an hour later, he dragged himself up the bedroom he used to share with Jesus and collapsed into his familiar bed. He turned on his side so that he could still text Connor and he fell asleep with his phone in his hand.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **The Fight**_ **by Keith Urban ft. Carrie Underwood. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	14. Heart By Heart

Jude's alarm shrieked at him and he could have thrown up from exhaustion. He hated the midnight to six a.m. shift for so many reasons and waking up after one of them made the top of the list. It was ten-thirty and Jude had to meet Connor in half an hour. He could have rescheduled but Jude really didn't want to. Connor would understand his sleepiness. Plus, he could get coffee at brunch and coffee sounded great to him right now.

Jude sat up and shoved his bed curtains out of the way. He flailed out of bed and then promptly tripped over the overnight bag he'd taken to Moms and which was still sitting unpacked on his floor. Jude cursed and caught himself on the couch. His body ached and when Jude got into his bathroom, he stripped his shirt off and pants off, turning his back on his mirror to inspect his tail bone. He'd slipped and fallen at work and he'd expected to see a large bruise on the small of his back. Though there wasn't anything, the skin was tender to the touch. Jude made a face and rolled his shoulders but those hurt too. He slowly dressed himself and gathered up his wallet and then he went out to Gerald. The angle of the seat bothered him, but Jude didn't bother to play with it. He didn't want to be late to meet Connor.

Jude arrived at the nano dorms at five to eleven. Even so, Connor was waiting outside for him. Jude turned Gerald off and beckoned Connor over to the driver's side window.

"Is something wrong?" Connor asked.

"Do you have a driver's license?"

"Sort of," Connor replied. "I can only drive with one person that's a fully licensed adult. Why?"

"Perfect. I'm a fully licensed adult. Step back."

Connor shuffled away from the driver's side and Jude got out, groaning as he did so. If this was what getting old was going to feel like, Jude would just stay in his twenties forever, thank you.

"Is something going on? Are you all right?"

"I mopped the floors last night and then promptly slipped in it. I hurt my back so it'd be great if you could drive. I mean, if you don't mind."

"Oh. Are you okay with me driving your car?"

"As much as I love the car, it's an old car. I'm assuming you've driven something before."

"I have," Connor said. "It's just strange you want me to drive."

"Come on. We've got a brunch date."

"Date," Jude heard Connor say.

Jude put himself in the passenger seat while Connor dawdled on the sidewalk. He leant across the console. It didn't feel totally right to be in the passenger seat of his own car. Jude didn't think anyone else had driven Gerald since Jude had bought him.

"I'm sorry I used the word 'date'. If you're really uncomfortable with driving then I'll do it."

"I can try," Connor said.

He got into the driver's side and turned the key. Jude leant the passenger seat so that he didn't feel as if he was going to die from his back pain. Connor slowly backed Gerald out of the parking space.

"Nervous?" Jude asked.

"A little. What happens if I do something to your car? I'm not _that_ good of a driver."

"Don't worry about it too much. The roads from here to the brunch place aren't that busy. But if you do need to switch, don't feel bad about telling me, okay?"

"Okay," Connor said.

Connor was a slow driver. Jude directed Connor to the brunch place he liked. It was just a small café but it was nice and homey. Plus, it was inexpensive enough that Jude felt zero guilt over eating there as often as he did. Connor parked a space that was very far away from all of the others. Jude opened his door and glanced down at Connor's parking job. He was a little bit crooked and he hadn't pulled as far into the parking space as he could have, but it was more than good enough for Jude.

"H-h-how was I?" Connor asked, getting out of the car.

"It was good! I mean, it was kind of obvious that you haven't driven much but you can get better. You can start by driving me home."

"Maybe I'll feel better once I've eaten," Connor reasoned.

"That sounds like a hypothesis that we should definitely put to the test."

"Hypothesis?" Connor repeated.

"I am a university student," Jude replied. "I pay for the right to use pretentious language."

He held the door open for Connor who took one step inside and then waited for Jude to join him. They approached the menus and Jude knew immediately what he was going to get, although Connor picked through it a little more before deciding. They gave their order to a tall waitress who sounded like she had just taken too many hits of helium and then they found comfortable seats.

"What did you do on Saturday?" Jude asked.

"There's a flea market that happens on campus. I went to that."

"How did that go?"

"I buy weird things sometimes," Connor said. "Things that I know I don't need. My therapist says I should stop because it's just a symptom of having my own money and being able to do what I want with it. Personally, I don't think world is going to end if I have eight or nine cacti on my windowsill."

"Do you have eight or nine cacti on your windowsill?"

"I think it's ten now," Connor confessed. "I'm out of windowsill room."

"No other space?"

"The point of a nano room is lack of space," Connor reminded him.

"I guess so. I don't have plants. I kill them."

"You have windowsill room," Connor said, thinking of Jude's small window.

"Are you going to start hoarding cacti at my place?"

"Oh. I wouldn't take your space."

"It's just a plant."

"Five plants."

"What?"

"If I started hoarding, it would be at least five plants."

Jude laughed. "That's fair. It'd be nice to not be the only life form in my place."

"I'll think about it," Connor promised him.

They paused as the waitress dropped off their coffees and food and then Connor asked about Jude's Saturday.

"I miss being home sometimes, but, like, back when all of my siblings lived there. I'm happy now but being there without them is kind of strange. Moms still make the same breakfast, though. I love going back to that."

"It sounds nice."

"Mhm. I just spent Saturday at home with Callie and Moms. I had to make sure I was back here by eight though. I need at least four hours on a couch without moving before that type of shift. I usually can't sleep that early but I also can't stay up until six a.m. if I don't at least try."

"It does sound tough."

"And how's the food? Do you like this place?"

"I like wherever you want to take me."

"That's not what I asked."

"I like it," Connor finally said. "I think their bacon could use a little work."

"Bacon's hard to cook!"

"Didn't you tell me you can't cook?" Connor asked.

"Well … yes. Fine, okay, you have me there. What about everything else?"

"The coffee is good. I like this place. Thank you for bringing me here."

"Next weekend I'll take you somewhere a little more exciting, if you're up for it."

"Up for it?"

"It can just get kind of crowded and I know that you don't like crowds. We'll see if you feel up to it."

"I'm sorry I'm difficult to plan for."

"It'd be like this with anyone, you know. I'd still have to pay attention to things that made them uncomfortable." Jude played with his fork, sticking it in his crepe. "Speaking of … I'm sorry for calling this a 'date'."

Connor stared at him for a moment, then frowned. "That … that didn't bother me, actually."

"Really?"

"I can't even make it make sense in my head but … it's just one date. It's different than calling this a relationship."

"So, if this is a date, can next weekend be a date too?"

"I think you're supposed to ask before a date," Connor said.

"Then, would you like to go on a date with me next weekend?"

Connor nodded quickly. "How's your back feeling?"

"Still hurts. I think when I go home, I'm just going to die on my couch."

"Don't die," Connor whimpered.

"Then come home with me and babysit me," Jude suggested.

"We have to study today anyway," Connor said. "If you want."

"Of course I want. I'd like you to waste the whole day with me."

"It's a waste to spend a day with me?"

"No, no, no, I –"

"I was just trying to tease you," Connor interrupted. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's all right."

Jude felt Connor's shoe tap against his own. "Is it really?"

"Yes, really."

Connor smiled and went back to the few remains of his breakfast. Jude picked up his coffee mug and drained the last of it, slouching in the wide chair so that he could try to get his back to stop aching. That only made it worse and he forced himself to sit up, but having his back straight sucked too.

"Are you okay with being the one to drive home?" Jude asked.

"You might have to help me with directions," Connor said. "I'm not very good with knowing where to go."

"Between the two of us, we have it all figured out," Jude said. "Ready?"

"Ready."

Usually it took Jude about twelve minutes to get from the café to his apartment, depending on the traffic. It took Connor, who drove just under the speed limit, just over twenty minutes to do so. Jude didn't say a word about it. He remembered what it was like to be a new driver. He'd been cautious and careful, though he'd been tempted to be reckless a time or two, as Callie had constantly hung over his shoulder and reminded him about road safety. Jude couldn't have risked getting into any trouble with the car.

Connor parked crookedly in Jude's strip of driveway. He let out a sigh as he turned off Gerald and pulled the keys out of the ignition.

"Was it that bad?" Jude asked, suddenly feeling guilty.

"It was stressful. I didn't hate it, but …" Connor handed the keys back to Jude. "I like it better when you keep these."

"I like being in the driver's seat," Jude said, "So I'll do my best to keep them. Let's go in."

Jude led the way down the way down to his front door, unlocking it and turning on the lights. He stopped in the entry way to kick his shoes off. He would have walked further in, but he felt Connor's hand reach around to touch his hip and Jude immediately spun to face Connor. Connor was closer than Jude had thought and their chests were nearly touching until Connor took a half of a step backward. His hand still rested on Jude's hip and the heat from his palm was searing Jude through his t-shirt.

"Is everything okay?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. "I was just thinking. I'm sorry."

"You can tell me. I want to know what you're thinking."

"I was thinking … I w-w-want to kiss you again."

"Now?"

Connor nodded.

Jude was just so relieved that he asked. He drew one arm around Connor's waist and the other around his shoulders. He worried that it would be too tight of a hold for Connor but it felt like Connor melted even further into him. Connor sucked in a deep breath and Jude hesitated, but Connor tugged at the side of his shirt, and so Jude kissed him. One of Connor's arms went around his neck and Jude felt the soft sleeve of the buttoned shirts Connor always wore against his cheek. Jude never really thought about the height difference between Connor and himself, but when they were kissing like this, it seemed far greater than it was. Connor brought one hand up to rest on Jude's chest and Jude dipped his head away from Connor's lips, thinking that Connor was trying to push him away.

"No, don't," Connor murmured.

Jude was happy to listen to that. He kissed Connor again, slowly, making sure that he memorized every moment of it, because every moment of it mattered to him. Jude wanted to pull Connor closer to him and kiss him like Jude had never kissed another before. He tightened his hand in the side of Connor's shirt, desperately shoving his hormones to the back of his mind. Soft and slow kisses were better than some far off fantasy, because Connor was really here in his arms and willing to kiss him like this. Connor tugged at Jude's shirt and for the second time, Jude ended their kiss. He kept Connor close to him and Connor made no move away. Rather, he rested his head on Jude's shoulder.

"I think I like that."

"I like you being close," Jude replied.

"I think I like this too," Connor agreed.

"As long as you're comfortable."

Jude felt Connor squeeze him gently.

"Oh, but no, I think I'm bruised," Jude squeaked.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you!" Connor released him in an instant and stepped backward so that he was flat against the door. "I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry! Don't be mad! Please, I –"

"I'm not mad. It's not your fault I'm sore like this."

"I'm sorry," Connor repeated.

"I know. It's not a big deal, okay?" Jude held out his hand and Connor flinched. "Oh, Connor."

Connor slid to the floor and curled into the corner by the door. Jude took a few steps backward. He really didn't know what to do as Connor tucked his head between his knees and went rigid. Jude put himself at what he thought was a good distance away and then he slowly lowered himself to the floor. He didn't know what else to do. He couldn't go sit on the couch because it would be like leaving Connor. Jude just sat there and watched Connor as the minutes ticked by. His back was screaming at him to go and lay down, but Jude didn't move. Connor started peeking at him over the top of his arm. Finally, Connor turned his head fully, resting his cheek on top of his knees, so that he and Jude were looking at one another.

"What are you doing?" he whispered.

"I'm sitting with you. I want to make sure you're okay."

Jude watched as Connor pondered this and then Connor's lips parted, as if he were about to speak, but then he closed his mouth again. His eyes drifted shut and he seemed to curl even further up on himself. Jude wanted to sigh but he held his tongue. Jude didn't like that this had happened but he would have to be dumb to think that it would never happen. He did his best but that didn't mean everything would be perfect.

"I'm waiting for it to hurt," Connor whispered.

"It's not going to."

Connor lifted his head again and the distrust in his eyes was piercing. How many times had he sat like that only for it to actually hurt? Jude wondered both how someone could live like that and how someone could do that to another person.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Jude wondered if Connor had that promise broken to him before. He wasn't going to be another person to do it.

"I don't want to hurt you and I'm never going to do it on purpose."

"I want to trust you."

"It'll take some time. I'll earn it."

"You have some."

Connor held out his hand and Jude leant forward and took it. He winced as his shoulders stretched and he saw Connor's face transform again. Connor's grip loosened, but Jude hung on.

"It's okay, we don't have to overreact. You didn't do anything. It isn't your fault."

Connor's hand tightened again. "W-w-what now?"

"What do you want?" Jude asked.

"Is it … is it okay if I want to stay with you?"

"Of course it is. Can you help me up?"

Connor bounced to his feet quickly and then helped Jude up.

"Should you have ice on your back or something?"

"Probably. I've an ice pack in the freezer."

Connor followed Jude to the doorway of the kitchen and then lingered there as Jude dug around and found the ice pack in the back of his freezer. Jude barely remembered why he had the thing in the first place. He pulled it out from behind a bag of fries and then shut the freezer door.

"Couch?" he asked Connor. "Unless you wanted to sit somewhere else."

"Where? I hate to say it … but your stools aren't that comfortable."

"You could always take a nap on the bed," Jude joked, but his humour fell flat and Connor just gave a panicked shake of his head. "Okay, couch it is."

He and Connor settled on their sides of the couch and Jude carefully piled his thin couch pillows under his back and ice pack, resting his legs across the coffee table. Connor was in a ball at the end of the couch and he was pulling at the plaid throw blanket that Jude kept on the back of the sofa.

"Do you mind if I use this?"

"Are you cold?" Jude asked.

"I just like feeling, um, covered."

"Go ahead."

Connor pulled the blanket over him, making sure that it was tucked around his neck so that Jude couldn't see anything but his head.

"What do you want to watch?" Jude asked, picking up the remote.

"Whatever you want."

Jude decided not to press Connor for a decision this time. He flicked around through the comedians and found one that was supposed to be like John Mulaney and pressed play. He slumped back against his ice pack, feeling the patch of skin on the small of his back go numb. It felt better than the pain, though, and Jude would take it. He felt more than a little tired and he began to drowse against the back of the couch.

Before he knew it, he was fast asleep.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **The Fight**_ **by Keith Urban ft. Carrie Underwood. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	15. Done You Wrong

"Jude?"

Connor slowly picked his head up off the arm of the couch, letting the blanket fall as he sat up. He'd been staring at the end screen of the movie for about five minutes and it was unlike Jude. Connor pulled the blanket back up around his shoulders seeing that Jude was asleep against the couch and, doing his best not to disturb the slumbering boy, Connor slowly turned so that his legs were up on the couch and he was facing Jude. Connor wondered how long he'd been like that. He'd spent most of the movie in funk, trying to get over what had happened at the door. Jude hadn't done anything; logically he knew that. When he tried to sort through it in his head, Connor couldn't get over the fear of seeing Jude's hand move toward him. Connor had been so convinced that he'd been about to get hit. It hadn't happened in months; Adam would never and Jude would never. Connor knew that. He just wished that he could control it. He wished that the logical part of his brain was the only one that he listened to. He didn't want to be scared of Jude.

Connor pulled the blanket around his shoulders and held it closed, watching Jude as he slept. Jude wasn't someone to be afraid of. Jude was gentle and kind and quite possibly the sweetest person that Connor had ever heard of, let alone met. Connor didn't deserve Jude's consideration. He didn't deserve any of it. Connor didn't understand why Jude would want to be friends with him, let alone _like_ him. There were other people who would treat Jude better and who were certainly better than Connor was. It didn't make sense that Jude would want to spend time with him. He couldn't even say for sure whether or not he liked Jude yet; he was still trying to figure that out.

Jude stretched in his sleep and then his smooth face turned into a wince. He sat up slowly, rolling his shoulders. He opened his dark eyes and he smiled when he saw Connor.

"Sorry I fell asleep," he said, his voice raspy with exhaustion.

"It's okay. You were tired."

"How was the comedian?"

"He was all right. I wasn't paying a lot of attention." Connor fiddled with the edge of the blanket. "I'm sorry a-about what h-happened … at the door."

"Not your fault. I know that. It takes time to work through what you did. You're trying and it's amazing. I really do think you're amazing."

Connor couldn't look up Jude anymore. He could feel his cheeks start to warm and Jude hadn't even said anything really complimentary.

"I'm _never_ going to hit you, Connor."

"What if you want to?"

"I don't want to."

"What if I do something really wrong? What if I hurt you? What if …" Connor felt his tongue stall out and no more words were coming to him. Even to his own ears, it sounded like he was explaining to Jude why he deserved to be hit and he knew, now, that he didn't deserve it. "What if?"

"That's not a reason to hurt you. If you did something really wrong and hurt me, then I'd be upset. I'd tell you. I wouldn't hit you. That's not what people do."

Connor pulled the edge of the blanket up over his nose.

"I'm sorry, Connor. I don't know what to say to help you."

Connor bit down on his lip, watching Jude shake his head. He didn't want Jude to feel like this. Connor was the frustrating one. Connor was the one at fault for everything. Jude was doing everything he could. Connor knew that. He paused, letting the right words come to him. They never did. Connor didn't know the right words or how to navigate anything.

"I'm just happy you're here."

That elicited a small smile from Jude and that was what meant most to Connor.

"I'm happy _you're_ here," was Jude's response.

"How's your back?" Connor asked.

"Freezing." Jude pulled the ice pack free. "I'm going to put this back in the freezer. Want anything while I'm up?"

"Maybe a drink," Connor said.

"I have water or iced tea."

"Iced tea, please."

Connor leant against the back of the couch and watched Jude walk to the kitchen. There was a wall in the way of some of his sight line and he could only hear Jude clanking around glasses. Then, he was back. When he handed Connor his glass, Connor made sure to brush his fingers against Jude's. Everything was all right.

"You don't need to do that because you think it'll make me happy," Jude said, catching Connor off guard.

"I … I wasn't … I wanted to touch you."

It was such a hard thing to admit. Connor wasn't allowed to say things like that. Connor had always been told when kissing and sex and any kind of touching would happen. It wasn't okay for him to ask for it or for him to want to cuddle up. Those were always on someone else's terms.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

"When I'm myself I know that." Connor shook his head. "That didn't make any sense."

"And yet, I think I understood it." Jude put his glass down on the coffee table. "Does this mean that we can cuddle now or is that too much?"

"Try," Connor said, holding out his hand for Jude.

He went to move, to pull his legs off the couch and sit up, but Jude surprised him by moving a bit faster. Jude had tucked himself between the back of the couch and Connor's body, his arm slung over Connor's waist and his head against his chest.

"Is this okay?"

"Uh, I think so."

"Let me know if it's not."

Connor felt the pressure of Jude's weight against his side as Jude relaxed against him. Connor waited for the fear and panic to hit him, but it didn't come. This wasn't a trap. This was Jude. He took a few deep breaths as Jude reached across him and picked up the remote from the coffee table.

"Lazy movie Sundays are good Sundays," Jude said.

His breath was warm against Connor's stomach.

"C-c-can I, um, t-touch you?" Connor asked.

"Touch me? What do you mean?"

"Like, just … hair or your back or … like that."

"Oh. Yeah, sure. You know," Jude said, tilting his neck back at what looked to be a very uncomfortable angle, "I ask you because I know you're uncomfortable with physical contact and I don't want to make that worse but, honestly, I don't mind being touched. I know you don't even want to touch me how I don't want to, so … It's not that big of a deal if you just put your hand on my back or something."

Connor squinted at him. He didn't want to get this wrong. He didn't know what would happen if he misunderstood. "What do you mean by how you don't want to be touched?"

"Neither of us wants to get close to the sex thing right now, right?"

"Oh." Connor exhaled quickly. "No. Not at all."

"I'm not saying asking permission is bad. It's actually cute, especially before you kiss me. But this is … blanket consent for little things. Okay?"

"I don't know how well I can follow that rule," Connor admitted.

"It's not a rule. Just a suggestion. If you want to keep asking, it's not a big deal." Jude put his head back down on Connor's chest. "What should we watch? Rom-com? Horror? Kids movie?"

"Anything."

Connor hesitantly touched his fingers to the top of Jude's head, feeling the silky strands of his brown hair flatten under his hand. He took his hand through the short strands of Jude's hair, down over his neck and across his shoulders. Connor got as far as the middle of Jude's spine and then worked his way back up, this time touching Jude's stomach where it met with his own body and then across the arm that was holding onto the remote. Jude didn't seem to pay him any attention, except for when Connor accidentally blocked his view of the movie titles, and that only earnt Connor a joking, "You make a better wall than a window."

Connor settled on keeping his arm down the length of Jude's back, curling his hand around Jude's waist.

"Would you hate a horror movie?'

"Um, I –"

Connor stopped as Jude's phone began to ring on the coffee table.

"Do you mind?" Jude asked. "It's Taylor."

Connor went to sit up but Jude let out a whine. "I didn't mean move. I meant, be okay with me talking."

"Oh, sure."

Connor relaxed back against the couch and Jude put his head back down, answering the phone and promptly putting it on speaker.

"Behave, Taylor," Jude said, returning his phone to the coffee table.

"Why? You're not still at home."

The woman's voice on the other end was on the high end, but Connor didn't find her unpleasant to listen to.

"You're on speaker."

"With who?" She sounded suspicious.

"Connor is here," Jude said.

Connor felt Jude's grip on his waist tighten momentarily.

"Wait … like … Connor, _Connor_?"

"I only know one."

"And he can hear me?"

Feeling extremely awkward, Connor said, "Um, hello."

"Oh my God! You're real!"

"Taylor!" Jude exclaimed. "I wasn't lying to you!"

"I _know_. It's just nice for confirmation. Hi, I'm Taylor."

"I'm Connor."

"I know!" she said brightly. "So, Jude, I found a small motel like … six blocks away from your place. Is it gross?"

"There's a motel near me?"

Taylor sighed. "Yes, Jude."

"Hmm. Well, I can find it and check on it."

"I'll text you the address," Taylor said. "But we could definitely hold it there. We could rent out a couple of rooms. It doesn't look gross online and a lot of reviews said it was decent so I called and you can definitely get adjoining rooms so if everyone pitched in for two adjoining ones then that would be a lot better than your place."

"Yeah, yeah," Jude said. "So long as we didn't have an overload of people."

"We won't. Are you going to spend Halloween with us, Connor?"

"Oh. Um, I don't know yet."

"I hope you do," Taylor said. "I'd like to meet you in person. Jude talks about you a lot."

"H-he does?"

" _Taylor_ ," Jude whined.

"What? It's true!"

"How's Daria?" Jude said.

"Oh. Well, she went to the doctor. And she has until November tenth to make her decision, just so that she can be sure everything is done on time, you know what I mean?" Taylor asked.

"Yeah. Has she told Thomas yet?"

Connor blinked and went back to playing with Jude's hair. They were talking about people he didn't know and things he didn't understand and, even though Connor knew they weren't doing it on purpose, it still stirred unease inside of him. He knew that they weren't intentionally keeping him out of the loop. He was just new to Jude's life and it would take some time before he was introduced to everyone and before he understood most things. Connor wondered if Jude would keep him around that long.

"She's just driving me crazy with the way that she is," Taylor said. "I need her to sort it out _soon_."

"She will."

Taylor sighed. "You don't live with her. She's still planning on coming to see you on Halloween so I guess that we'll see."

"It'll be all right, Taylor."

"Mhm," she mused. "Anyway, go and actually look at the motel so we can start putting things together, okay? That was all I was calling about."

"Okay, will do."

"It was nice talking to you, Connor."

"Oh." He startled. He'd only said about three words to her. "You too."

"I'll let you get back to what you were doing!"

" _Taylor_!"

"I behaved, I behaved! Don't give me that tone, _Judicorn!"_

"Taylor!"

"Bye!"

Jude groaned as he reached over and locked his phone screen. "I hate it when she calls me that."

"Oh. Why?"

Jude put his head back down on Connor's chest, his arm curling around Connor's side. Connor felt goosebumps erupt on his arms as Jude lazily brushed his thumb against Connor's ribs.

"Mariana calls me that. She has for … almost as long as I've known her. It's only from Mariana that I like it. But Taylor and I've been friends long enough that she's heard Mariana say it and so, sometimes, when she's teasing me or really trying to be annoying, she pulls it out."

"Oh. You don't seem mad," Connor observed. If Jude hid his anger that well, then Connor would never be able to navigate knowing him.

"Because I'm not. Can you go back to playing with my hair? I liked that."

Connor returned his hand to Jude's head, running his fingers through Jude's hair. "I don't understand."

"It's a little annoying but Taylor doesn't do it all the time. She just pulls it out when she's trying to make a point. It's like when I call her adorable. I'm trying to get on her nerves but it's not a serious thing. Like, I'm not trying to make her angry. We're just teasing."

"Making someone upset on purpose doesn't make sense."

Jude let out a little sigh and Connor immediately felt bad. It wasn't Jude's fault Connor didn't understand.

"Taylor and I are friends," Jude said. "I understand why she says and does the things that she does. It's an understanding that we have."

"I guess I see."

Emotions like that shouldn't be so alien to him. He should be able to instantly see how the threads of friendship were tied and it shouldn't be up to Jude to explain his relationships to Connor. Connor didn't have to understand Jude's relationships at all.

"I won't call you Judicorn," Connor added, and it made Jude laugh.

"Thanks for that. You don't have any weird nicknames, do you?"

"Nope. My parents always called me 'Connor'. And … and so did he except sometimes he'd call me names. S-s-sometimes th-they'd be gay slurs and th-those h-hurt most because _he_ was g-gay too and I n-never understood. Other names I understood."

Jude went still in his arms and Connor wondered if he'd said too much. He wouldn't blame Jude if he didn't like Connor talking about it. He couldn't imagine that it was nice to hear the person you were interested in talking about someone else or talking about a past so hard to hear about.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why he'd call you any names at all." Jude gently rubbed Connor's side, and Connor took comfort from it. "I'll just call you Connor … unless I think of something really great."

"Okay." He was a little bit glad that Jude didn't make a big deal out of it.

"You don't mind that I talked to Taylor about you, do you?"

"No," Connor said. "If I had a friend, I'd talk to you about them too."

"Well, I'm your friend. You can talk to me about me." Jude turned on Connor's chest so that his arms were on him but that Jude's head was up so they were looking at one another. Jude had a sly grin on his face.

"I think … I'll talk to my dad and my therapist about you."

"But I want to know what you think of me!" Jude said brightly.

"You know what I think of you," Connor replied. "At least, as well as I know."

"You like me."

Connor nodded. "Yeah. I do. I'm sorry that it's hard for me."

"I know. But I don't think you need to be sorry. I am more than happy to be like this," Jude said, and he was back against Connor's chest, snuggling against the buttons on his shirt. "You're worth it."

"How do you know?" Connor murmured.

He didn't want to dissuade Jude from liking him. He _wanted_ Jude to but it seemed unbelievable to him that a happy, secure man would want him. He and Dr. Scott had talked, over and over again, about why Connor's ex had chosen him; about how vulnerable he had been and how his ex was a predator about it. It made sense to Connor why his last boyfriend had wanted to make Connor his. He didn't understand why Jude would bother.

Jude shrugged. "Just do."

It wasn't really a satisfactory answer but there wasn't much that Connor could say about it.

"I'm not squishing you, am I?"

"No."

"Ready for the movie?"

"Uh. Sure." Connor glanced at the screen. "It doesn't look all that scary for a horror movie."

"That's because it's a _bad_ horror movie," Jude explained.

"And you want to watch a bad movie?"

"Bad movies are an adventure. C'mon, Connor, say yes to the adventure."

"Yes," Connor said.

"There's a reason why I like you!" Jude said.

Connor ran his hand slowly through Jude's hair again. There was something fascinating about the way that Jude actually enjoyed this touch. Connor was sure that he'd be so scared his heart would stop if Jude got anywhere near his face or neck. Yet here Jude was just, relaxing further and further against him.

"Are you warm?"

"Warm? Uh, not really," Connor answered. Jude's apartment was always on the cool end of the temperature range.

"Good. Horror movies require blankets to keep you safe from monsters. It's a rule."

"Is this a new rule?" Connor asked him.

"I didn't make it up while I was in line at the cookie place, if that's what you're asking," Jude said.

"Something like that."

Connor held still as Jude drew the plaid blanket up over the two of them, the creepy sounds of the opening score already filling the apartment. He waited for the feeling of entrapment and fear but it just wasn't there. There was safety in the blanket and there was safety in Jude. Having Jude lying down against him gave a strange feeling of control. He felt much better than if he'd been against Jude's chest. It was the spot that he'd always been forced into and he hated it now in ways that he couldn't quite articulate. He never wanted to be held again the way that his last boyfriend had held him. He didn't want Jude to hold him that way. Jude was _so_ different. Connor didn't want any reminders. He didn't want any parallels. He wanted to be okay here with Jude.

"This rule is older than we are," Jude said. "Horror movies require blankets so that people don't get eaten by the horror movie monsters."

Connor laughed at that. "I'll remember that the next time I feel like I'm in a horror movie."

His smile faded as he realized what he had said. He'd been in situations before that had terrified him and he knew that a blanket would have spared him.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked. "You feel tense."

"Mind wandered."

"Need me to move?" Jude offered.

Connor tightened his arms around Jude. "No, it's okay. I like you were you are."

Jude flopped a little further across Connor. Connor tilted forward just the tiniest bit and kissed the back of Jude's head. He reached his hand up to rest on Jude's shoulder and then he turned his head to watch the movie. It was more of a cheap kind of thriller, where the movie makers had decided that gore was the way to keep the attention of their audience. There wasn't a lot of jump scares, which Connor appreciated. He could usually tell what was coming. There was one moment where a girl's arm was ripped off by the killer and Jude and Connor cringed into one another.

"If I have to hear that noise again, I'm going to throw up," Jude complained.

"Agreed."

Jude looked up. "Oh, I think the other one's about to – Yup!"

He hid his head down into Connor's shoulder and Connor turned his back on the TV and faced Jude. They cuddled together as the disgusting, wet, ripping sound filled the apartment again, followed by a scream that was laughably fake. The juxtaposition between the two was so mind boggling that Connor wasn't sure how to feel. Jude looked up at him, his nose bumping against Connor's jawline.

"Sorry," Jude said.

"Don't worry about it. It's … it's your hands being close to my face that I d-don't like."

"But I can put my hand here?"

Connor nodded as Jude's hand rested high on his ribs.

"I'd really like to kiss you right now," Jude said softly.

"Okay."

Connor put his arm around to Jude's back and pulled Jude slightly toward him. He felt a bubble of something that felt like excitement and fear in his stomach. There was something about laying like this that felt intimate and, perhaps, too close. But he _wanted_ to kiss Jude and, like every time before this, there was the strangeness of wanting to kiss someone. It had been a chore and a necessity before; Connor had never had a choice or a say in kissing or anything else – whether it was how or when it happened. It had been _very_ early on in his last relationship where kissing had stopped being just simple kissing and had turned into something sinister. With Jude, it was light. It was good. Connor wanted to kiss him. Connor _liked_ kissing him. Jude's lips were soft and he was sweet and the past wasn't at the forefront of Connor's mind when Jude was close.

Connor pressed his forehead to Jude's. "I like you."

"I like you too," Jude replied.

"It worries me," Connor confessed.

"Why?"

"W-wh-what if I only like you because you're the opposite of him?"

Jude met his eyes for a moment and then he closed them. Connor felt a heavy ball form in his stomach, but Jude didn't push him away. Jude gripped a handful of Connor's t-shirt and let out a long breath.

"I thought about that, actually."

"S-so you think that's it?"

That bothered Connor more than he thought it should.

"Only you can know, Connor. I can't tell you that. I hope that's not it. I mean, I don't want to remind you of your ex. I _do_ want to be the opposite of that person for you. I really like you. You know that. I still want to be your friend if you don't like me back, but what I want is for you to like me too. I'm willing to be right here until you sort it out." Jude let out another breath. "So, what do you think?"

"I think there's a lot wrong with me."

"But you're working on it." Jude's eyes popped open. "I'm proud of you for that."

"I think I see you as more than just his opposite."

"I like the sound of that."

"I … I'd like to kiss you too."

Connor slowly leant up on his elbow, staring down at Jude. Jude smiled at him and gently tugged at the side of his shirt and Connor could feel Jude's fingers move near the front of his stomach. Connor knew what was just under Jude's hand, hidden by his thin t-shirt. He knew that Jude couldn't feel it but Connor knew and he subtly shifted himself so that Jude's hand was somewhere else. He didn't want to have to explain to Jude.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

"You don't look like him," Connor said and then he bit down on his lip. "I didn't mean to tell you that … sometimes it's just easy to tell you things."

"I'm glad for that … For both of those things, I guess."

"You sound strange about it."

"I'm happy you can tell me things. I want you to feel as safe with me as I do with you."

Connor kissed him on the forehead for that. When he looked at Jude again, he looked a little happier.

"Is there a but to that?" Connor asked.

"A little," Jude murmured. "I just wondered how much you think of him when you're hanging out with me."

Connor shook his head. "No, no, no, I –"

"I didn't mean to sound accusing. I know you're working through it. I know it's natural to think about and compare. But I just … is it selfish to say that I want to be on your mind? More than … No, it is dumb."

"You're on my mind. You're _really_ on my mind. You're right, I compare. But I like this a lot better. And … I think that when I get used to it and this and us, when we do this more, I won't compare as much. Does that make sense?"

Jude nodded. "We're going to do this more then?"

"I hope so."

"So, what did he look like?"

"Oh. He, um, you're sh-shorter than h-him. And, um, h-he was blond and … you're paler. He worked out a lot s-so h-he was really muscular."

"More than you?" Jude asked.

"I'm not muscular at all."

Jude reached up and wrapped one of his hands around Connor's tensed bicep. "Uh … I don't want to doubt you but are you sure?"

"I don't feel it."

"I'd like to feel it," Jude said immediately. Then, he started laughing at himself. "Later, I mean. When we're comfortable. I'm sorry, I think that was supposed to be an inside thought."

Jude was still laughing and Connor felt safe enough to laugh too.

"He had brown eyes too," Connor said. "Yours are lighter. I like this colour better."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Connor murmured. "You're warmer."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Connor shifted again so that his chest was pressed more into Jude's and then he tilted his face closer. "Can I kiss you now?"

Jude was kissing him. Jude was kissing him and every time he did, Connor liked it a little bit more. He left Jude's hand ball into his t-shirt and Connor surprised himself by putting one arm on the other side of Jude and pulling him a little closer. Jude had one hand on Connor's lower back and though it was far from an intense make-out session, the short kiss left Connor breathless. He nervously sat up, moving away from Jude and toward the opposite side of the couch that he usually sat on.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked anxiously, slowly sitting himself up.

"I just … I need a little room to breathe."

He felt so much for Jude and some of it he didn't understand. And when he had opened his eyes, it wasn't Jude that he had saw for the briefest moment. It was the face with thick eyebrows and a pointed nose; the face that Connor had woken up to every day for over five years. It was the face that Connor never wanted to see again. He didn't know what would happen if he ever did.

"That's okay." Jude tucked his legs closer to himself.

"How's your back feeling?"

"It's all right. A little stiff but I'll be like that for a few days." Jude shrugged. "I'll survive. Don't worry about me."

"You worry about people you care about, right?" Connor hesitated. "Well, reasonably."

"Yeah, exactly. I don't think lecture seats will be exactly comfortable tomorrow though."

"Bring your ice pack to class?" Connor suggested.

"Or skip and spend the day in bed," Jude replied.

Connor put his chin on his knees and put the blanket back around him. "You'd skip?"

"After Kroger's lecture."

Connor glanced up at Jude, who had a heated look in his eye and a smile on his face.

"I'm kind of attached to that lecture."

"Kroger's a great lecturer."

"I get kind of distracted in their class."

Connor held the blanket tight. "You're flirting."

"Trying to. I don't have much experience with it." Jude grinned happily. "How am I doing?"

"I like it. So it must not be too bad."

"I'll keep trying then," Jude promised.

"Wait," Connor said.

"Hmm?"

"Didn't you tell me you had an ex?" Connor asked. "Didn't you … flirt with him?"

"Yeah, a little. But that relationship wasn't like our relationship. We knew each other way before we thought about being a couple. But … the first time I saw you, it was totally different."

"First time you saw me?" Connor was almost scared to ask.

"Tongue tied." Jude closed his eyes and sighed, but not in a sad or fed up way, but in a good-hearted way of giving in. "I might as well tell you this before you meet Taylor because she'll definitely make sure to tell you this."

"I don't understand."

"I … might have monologued to Taylor about how hot you were after the first day of class."

The only thing that came into Connor's head was, "'Monologued' isn't a word."

Jude snickered. "I know, I know. I … just thought you were hot and Taylor and I had that conversation for the next two days until I talked to you in lecture. And then I knew your name so we used that and talked about the same thing. I'm … kind of embarrassed to admit it."

"Is that why you talked to me?"

"Because of how you look?" Jude clarified and Connor nodded. "I, um, yeah. It's shallow and I know that but … you aren't exactly hard to look at, Connor."

"You like how I look?"

" _Bats_ like how you look," Jude said passionately. "It's not the reason that I'm _still_ talking to you. But, um, you're hot, handsome, beautiful, all the words."

"Oh."

"Haven't you ever looked in a mirror?" Jude asked.

"I … My opinion doesn't matter."

"Yes it does."

Connor didn't have a response to that. He tucked his head down on his knees, unable to look up. Jude thought he was good looking. He didn't think Connor was too short or too skinny or his hair was too long or there was something wrong with him. Jude had said hot. And handsome. And beautiful. Connor almost wanted to get up and walk into Jude's bathroom, just to stare at himself in the mirror. Those three words wouldn't erase everything else that had ever been said to them but Jude wasn't a liar and Connor wanted to stare at himself to see a glimmer of what Jude saw. He looked up at Jude and he knew he needed to get the conversation away from himself.

"I think you're cute," Connor said.

"I know." Jude beamed. "You told me before."

"So you don't want to hear it again. Okay."

"Wait, I didn't say that!"

Connor held the side of his blanket open. "You look cold."

They both knew that Jude looked nothing of the sort, but Connor was happy to put his arm around Jude's shoulders.

"Will you tell me about your ex?" Connor asked.

"Sure. There's not a lot to tell. We met in tenth grade and were dating by the end of the year. His name is Dylan. We liked the same movies and the same music. We dated until the summer before first year of university. He moved away to go to art school and I came here. We decided that it wasn't worth it for us to try and do a long distance relationship. We loved each other but not in the way where we knew we were going to grow up and get married." Jude shrugged. "There's a lot more I could say but I don't know what you want to know."

"You did love him?"

"Sure."

"What was your relationship like?"

"Friends with a lot of kissing," Jude said. "That's basically the best way to describe it. We mostly hung out with groups or at his place. I liked watching him paint. He painted me a few times, which was a little bit awkward. For our graduation, he did a painted version of my grad photo. Moms still have that one hanging up in the house. We're usually back for Christmas at the same time and so he, Taylor, Daria, a few other people, and I will go out for dinner or something. He wasn't back over the summer, though, so I haven't seen him since last Christmas."

"Oh."

Jude propped his feet up on the coffee table. "Dylan was really nice. We had fun together. Honestly, I was the insecure one in our relationship."

"You? Why?"

"I'm not a really insecure person … anymore. But in that relationship I was because I knew that Dylan wanted to have sex but I really didn't. I thought that he'd find someone who was ready for that. He didn't, because he loved me too, but that was the one thing for us."

"Who won?"

"It wasn't a fight, per se. It was just the thing that came up the most. We never had sex, if that's what you mean."

"Oh."

"Oh," Jude echoed. "What's that mean?"

"So … I mean …" Connor didn't know how to ask but he knew that he would be more uncomfortable if he didn't ask. Jude liked him to be comfortable and that thought gave him the strength to say, "So when did you have sex?"

"Haven't," Jude answered casually. "You're the first person I've kissed since Dylan."

" _What_?" Connor pulled his arm away from Jude's shoulders and stood up.

"What?" Jude sat up straight. "What … What's going on? What just happened?"

Connor backed away from Jude slowly, over to where he had left his bag and his shoes. "I want to go home."

"Okay …" Jude stood up slowly. "Um, let me just grab my keys."

"No, no, I'm going to walk. It's okay."

"It's a bit of a walk."

"I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Okay. I – I guess I'll see you."

"Bye."

Connor shut Jude's door and started down the street as quickly as he could walk without actually breaking into a run. Connor had known, likely from the very first time that he and Jude had spoken, that Jude was a far better person that Connor had ever been and ever would be. He was a sweet, stable man with his life together. Jude had integrity; Jude was _special_. Jude had a way of making Connor feel like Connor wasn't quite the destroyed person that Connor saw himself as. Connor didn't think he deserved someone like Jude in his life but Connor had thought that, slowly, he would get to be okay with the fact that Jude wanted to know him. Connor hadn't thought that he was _taking_ something from Jude. But now Connor knew that he couldn't let Jude and him get any closer. Jude had never had sex. Jude had never been hurt. Jude's last relationship had been a good relationship. It wasn't _right_ for Connor to put himself in Jude's life or in Jude's arms. Not with Connor's past being what it was.

Sweat broke out on Connor's brow and his stomach twisted as he walked, his feelings shattering inside of him. He wanted Jude but he couldn't do this to Jude. He knew he cared enough about Jude to stay away. He felt like he was going to throw up as he reached the edge of campus, flashing back to the first time he had sex. There had been pain, so much pain, as he'd been pinned between his boyfriend and the mattress and he hadn't been able to think beyond it, even as his ex had been murmuring in his ear how good it was. It hadn't been good. Connor had been naïve about sex, and even more naïve about gay sex, but he knew that there wasn't supposed to be that much blood. And Connor had cried. Connor hadn't been ready for it but he knew that his ex had been. At that point, Connor had still been in the first blushes of love. He hadn't known any better. He hadn't known how the relationship would become. He was just with his boyfriend, who cared about him, who seemed to accept him for who he was and that had been important to Connor, as his mother had just died and his father had just rejected him.

He made it back to his dorm building and he bolted up the stairs, racing into his room. He quickly checked that the doors and windows were locked and that he was alone and then he grabbed a blanket and shoved himself into the small space between his kitchen counter and the wall. He pulled the blanket up over himself and tried to hide from the world. He wrapped his arms tightly around his torso, trying to get his shaking under control.

 _Everything was fine, everything was fine, everything was fine_.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Done You Wrong**_ **by Aaron Pritchett. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	16. Everything Has Changed

Connor wasn't in class.

Jude sat in his usual spot but Connor _always_ beat him here. It remained empty. Jude spent most of the lecture scanning the seats, looking for Connor's familiar shade of light brown hair. He couldn't see him. He couldn't find him. It rubbed Jude the wrong way because he had no idea what had happened yesterday. It _couldn't_ be because he was a virgin. Jude refused to accept that. Sex, to him, was not really a big deal. People had it or they didn't; people did what they liked. Jude had never had sex, not for lack of curiousity or attraction to his ex, or from fear of the act itself. He just had never felt like he'd been ready to have it and he didn't see anything wrong with that.

He hadn't thought Connor would be the type of person who would see something wrong with that.

When class let out, Jude called Connor. He didn't know if Connor was going to answer or not.

"Hello," Connor said.

"I want to talk to you."

"I … I don't … don't think you should."

"I don't know what that means, Connor. I thought we were friends."

Connor was silent and Jude wished that he could see his face.

"I don't understand," Jude said. "Can we have lunch today and just talk about it? I won't push you any more than that."

"I … Um. Okay."

"Where are you?"

"In my room."

"I'll meet you in front of the dorms, okay?"

"Okay."

Ten minutes later, Connor was standing in front of him but Connor was refusing to look at him. He stared down at his feet while Jude stared at him.

"Let's sit," Jude proposed.

There was a small field to the left of the nano dorms, on the opposite side that the parking lot was. The field was unpopulated, as most of the students were currently in classes. He and Connor found a spot underneath a large tree, but Connor made sure that there was a huge gap between them. Jude's heart sunk. Whatever had been blossoming between he and Connor had died yesterday. Jude could accept it, he thought, if he knew why.

"I don't understand why you left yesterday. I thought we were just talking. If you thought that we were moving too fast, you could have said so. I thought … I thought everything we were doing was okay."

"It was. We shouldn't, um, hang out or anything anymore."

"Those two things don't make sense together," Jude pointed out. "And why 'shouldn't'?"

"I'm not good for you."

Jude sat back, affronted. "Well, first of all, you get to decide if you want to be in a relationship with me and _I_ get to decide if I want to be in a relationship with you. You don't get to decide that I don't want to be with you, because I do. I know you're not bad for me."

"You don't understand."

"That's not _my_ fault. I'm trying, Connor, but I'd like you to try too." Jude sighed. "If you really don't want anything to do with me because _you_ don't want anything to do with me, that's more than fair. If you don't want anything to do with me because of your past or because you think I'm better off without you, then that's not as fair. That's something I want to talk to you about."

Connor picked a single blade of grass up and twirled it around his finger.

"And why did this hit after you found out I was a virgin?" Jude added.

"It just made me realize … th-that we're so different. Our past relationships are just …" Connor hung his head. "I'm not going to put you through being with me."

"I want to be with you. You're not some kind of a monster, Connor. You are sweet and you were hurt. That doesn't make you lesser than or unworthy. You aren't a struggle to talk to or hang out with. It's fun. I like being with you. It's not an ordeal."

"He took things from me, Jude. It's not fair to you that I can't give you things. It's not fair to you that I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I'm a whole person."

"You're a whole person. I don't need you to 'give' me anything. We can move slowly or we can just be friends, I hope you know that. And if this is about the sex thing, trust me, even if you were comfortable enough to say we're dating, it would still be a long time before I was ready to even talk about it. I'm not scared but, I don't know, I've just seen it as more of a thing that I want to be sure of. I'm not really the type of person that wants to have casual sex."

"What if I never wanted to?"

Jude studied Connor's face and decided to try and lighten the mood. "Then that's fine. My hand's been serving me well for a long time."

Jude saw a hint of laughter before Connor hid his face away in his hands.

"I know I don't understand completely what happened between you and your ex. Honestly, you could tell me everything and I know that wouldn't be comparable to living it. I know that it must have been scary. I know that a lot of it must have been uncomfortable, to say the least. I know that it wasn't what a relationship should be. You shouldn't be scared or uncomfortable. You should be able to talk to the person you're with …" Jude trailed off and shook his head. "I'm not perfect, Connor. I'm certainly not a pure person, just like you're not a dirty person for what happened to you, okay?"

"Okay."

"We can slow down if you need to. Maybe stop kissing or cuddling or what it is that's hurting you."

Connor lifted his head up. "It's the thought of hurting you that hurts me, Jude."

"You're not hurting me. I'm happy with you."

"I don't understand that."

"I don't really know how I can explain it," Jude admitted.

Connor dipped his head. "I'm sorry I ran away yesterday."

"That hurt," Jude said bluntly. "And I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it didn't."

"I don't want you to lie to me," Connor murmured.

"Then you won't lie to me either, right?"

Connor nodded. "I haven't."

"Not saying something can be a type of lying."

"That's true."

"Anything you're not saying that you want me to know?"

"Um … There's things I want you to know but I'm not ready to say yet. I just want to spend more time with you."

"We still need to do our readings," Jude said. "I don't work on Wednesday if you'd like to come over."

"Can we study in the library?"

"Yes, of course. I'll meet you at six?"

Connor nodded. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why do you say 'yes' to me?"

"Why not? It's not like you're asking me to do something ridiculous, like pay for your tuition. Studying is going to happen. I'm not picky about where. You ask for some pretty simple stuff, Connor. No big deal."

"Oh." Connor picked another blade of grass. "How's your back?"

"It's better. I'm still a little stiff but, oh well."

"Are we okay?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "We're okay. It just hurt me that you wouldn't talk to me. It felt like you didn't respect me very much."

"Oh! No, I do. I'll be better, I promise."

"I just want you to talk to me, okay? That's all. Instead of running away."

"I won't run away."

Jude smiled at him and checked the time. "I should walk you to class."

"I'm not going to go," Connor replied.

"Why?"

"I had a bad night last night and I just … don't feel up to people today. I, um, had to call my therapist. I … I had an emergency appointment with my therapist this morning. W-we agreed that it w-was okay to take a me day if I needed to, so long as I didn't use it to hide."

"I'm sorry for bothering you, then."

"That's just it, Jude. You _don't_ bother me. Don't you understand? That's the scariest part of you. If I had never met … my ex, then I wouldn't think twice about anything and everything with you. Even now, I get so close to just … letting go of everything with you and it scares me that I'm willing to do that. Not thinking things through, not knowing a person, was what got me in trouble before. I was a bad judge of character. I don't think you're bad but … look at how long I've known you!" Connor hid his face in his hands again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_."

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I understand. This is why you set the pace. I'm just happy to be along for the ride."

Connor tucked his knees up. "I don't understand why."

"Because you're nice and funny and interesting and cute and I like talking to you. I love how you see the world, Connor."

"But you want to date me. I can't even hold your hand sometimes."

"I _like_ the physical stuff but that's not even close to all there is in a relationship, okay?"

"Okay. Are … are you going to class?"

"Nah, I told you yesterday. I only showed up for Kroger's lecture. I'm going to go home and stay on my couch until it's time for work."

"Going to be okay?"

"Absolutely. I'd ask you to come hang out for a few hours but I don't think that it's a good idea."

"I'm not up to it today, Jude. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about."

"Will you sit with me for a few more minutes?" Connor asked.

"I'll lay," Jude said, reclining in the grass. He grabbed his bag and pulled it closer to him. "Nerds?"

"Do you always have candy?" Connor asked.

"I usually grab something after a shift, yeah. Any preferences?"

"Does your store sell sour belts?"

"I think so. If we do, I'll grab you some for Wednesday."

"Oh, you don't have to."

"I want to, Connor."

"Thank you."

Jude tucked his elbows behind his head.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

Jude looked into the other man's face again. "I love your eyes."

"Oh!"

"It's not fair," Jude continued. "I have to be seen in public with you and compared to you. Maybe we should just hang out at my place."

"You want to keep me inside!?" Connor squawked. Then in a more submissive way, "Oh. Okay. If that's what you want."

"No, it's not what I want. I was just trying to be funny. I guess it didn't work … Connor, did that happen?"

"I didn't go places by myself. At first, I wasn't allowed. Then, when he stopped caring, because he realized I wasn't going to leave him no matter what, I couldn't make myself go outside on my own. He was … basically the only person I saw."

"What about high school? And your university courses?"

"I bargained for them," Connor replied in a whisper. "And I took them all online."

"Oh, Connor."

"I couldn't stand it if you pitied me."

"It's not pity. I just wish that things were different for you."

"That makes two of us." Connor sighed.

"I want to take you out in public," Jude added quickly. "Friends or no. I'm sure you make me look better just by being near me."

"You look all right on your own."

"First I'm cute, then I'm all right. Are you sure you like me?"

"Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure I like you. Sh-should I say something different?"

"Nope. I like you because you're you."

Jude watched as Connor frowned, musing on it. Jude offered him the Nerds again and Connor popped a few in his mouth. Jude wished that he could reach over and take Connor's hand but Jude knew better. He kept his fingers to himself. Connor had a bad night. Jude couldn't imagine how bad if he'd needed to schedule an appointment with a therapist. Jude felt his curiousity flair, but he tamped a lid down on that too. Connor had told him a lot today already.

"You're a very weird person," Connor decided.

Jude laughed. "That's fair. Want the last of the Nerds?"

Connor hesitated and Jude shook the box.

"If you don't mind."

Jude stretched the box out and put them into Connor's palm. He felt the tips of Connor's fingers brush the underside of his wrist. Jude felt goosebumps erupt on his arms. He didn't want to push it and so he didn't try to prompt more contact from Connor. Still, he thought back to yesterday, when he was pressed against Connor's side and had Connor's arms around him. He would move at a crawl if he could lay like that with Connor again.

Connor folded the Nerds box together and then tucked it under the edge of Jude's bag so it wouldn't fly away. Then, he laid down in the grass next to Jude.

"I thought you were taking a me day?"

"I can be me with you," Connor replied. "But it would be nice if we didn't have to talk."

"We can do that after I point out that the cloud above us looks like a unicorn."

Connor let out a little chuckle and then they lapsed into silence, watching the unicorn cloud lazily drift away.

(-.-)

Connor picked at his thumb nail and looked around for Jude. They were supposed to be meeting to study right now but Jude had messaged him and said that he'd needed to stay behind to talk to a professor and he would be about ten minutes late.

"Connor?"

He flinched as a voice came from behind him. He turned to see Jake hurrying toward him. Jake was a guy in his entrepreneur class. In fact, they were part of the same group. The rest of the group was three girls. Aside from one brief meeting in class, Connor hadn't talked to any of them. When there had been five of them brainstorming around a table, Connor hadn't thought twice about Jake, particularly when he'd been sitting between two of the girls. Now, though, when it was just he and Jake on the library steps, Connor felt himself pressing into the concrete wall that doubled as a railing.

"Hi," he said, all the while hoping that Jake stayed _way_ over there.

It didn't happen. Jake crept closer, standing on the same step that Connor was sitting on and then leaning against the metal railing that ran through the middle of the wide front steps.

"I'm glad I ran into you," Jake said. "I managed to stop Alicia and Brandy after class and Alicia said she was going to talk to Caitlyn, but you just disappeared."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Connor murmured.

Jake sat down next to him and the hairs on Connor's arms rose. He wanted to tell Jake to get away from him but he had no idea how to frame the words. He didn't want to offend the other man, anyway. Connor hated the idea of getting on someone's nerves. He hated the idea of being a problem.

"We were just thinking that we should meet up sometime this weekend and try to get a jump start on this project. What do you think?"

Was it Connor's imagination or was Jake closer? His neck started to feel hot. "Oh. Uh. F-f-Friday?"

"I'll ask. We can talk about after class, okay?"

Connor nodded, his chest constricting. Jake's shoulder had just touched his. He saw Jude walking up to the library steps, not focusing on anything but his phone and Connor launched forward. As much as the thought of touching in public made his stomach churn, he'd much rather be in Jude's protective grasp. Jude just grinned at him as Connor abruptly tucked himself under his arm and then Jude kissed him on the cheek, which let loose a flurry of mixed emotions, but the one that was the most dominant was happiness. Jude kissed his cheek in public. That meant that Jude wasn't trying to hide him.

"I've missed you too in the past … four hours?"

"Sorry," Connor said, feeling embarrassed. He was definitely overreacting.

"Hey," Jake called. "I'll talk to you on Friday, okay, Connor?"

Connor nodded and he slung one arm around Jude's waist. Jude stuck his phone in his pocket and Connor looked up to see Jude watching Jake. Connor wondered if he'd made a mistake. If he'd done this in front of his ex, his ex would have launched into full possessiveness. It likely would have been a fight and then, once Connor was home, it would have become _his_ fault that he was creeped out by someone else. It would have been Connor's fault that he'd been talked to. Jude just extended his hand happily.

"Hey, I'm Jude."

"I'm Jake. Nice to meet you but I'm late to meet my girlfriend. See you later, Connor."

"Bye," Connor managed quietly.

He and Jude stood there for a moment, watching Jake watch away. Then, Jude's hand rubbed Connor's shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"Um, just … didn't want to be close to him. And … felt safer next to you."

"Ready to study?"

"Uh huh."

Connor pulled himself out from under Jude's arm and they walked into the library together. They settled down in the study room that Jude had booked and Connor unpacked his books. Jude sat a package of sour belts on the table and Connor smiled, thanking him.

"You're welcome," Jude said. His phone lit up. "Sorry, but Taylor's talking."

"What's going on? Is she all right?"

"I guess Daria made a decision to get an abortion."

"Oh."

What was Connor supposed to say to that? He'd never been in that position. He never would be. And he'd never met either Taylor or Daria.

"Taylor and Daria have both always been pro-choice but Taylor's finding it hard to actually watch Daria make that decision."

Connor fiddled with the front cover of his book.

"I just might be a little distracted while we're reading, that's all."

"We don't have to study tonight."

"Connor, I really want to. I'd rather not be alone and … I think it'll be good to spend uncomplicated time together. Like we did on Monday and earlier today."

"This is about Sunday, isn't it?" Connor's mouth went dry. "Jude, I'm still so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. With the differences between us though, I'm just scared that I will. I don't want to do it unintentionally either."

"I know you're sorry and I told you, it did hurt me. Honestly, I don't think the differences between us are as big as you're making them out to be, though."

"I feel like I've been doing okay with this and us," Connor said. "And sometimes it just hits me a little bit … what happened to me and how different you are and I'm worried about what happens if it hits me harder. I like you but I'm scared about what that means. My therapist and I talk about it but I still haven't gotten myself through it."

He didn't like to admit that. He wanted to be good enough for Jude that he did get through it. He wanted this to be nice and easy, as much as he knew that it wouldn't be. That wasn't Jude's fault, though; it was all Connor's fault.

"Can I suggest something?"

Connor nodded.

"Next time just tell me you need space and then you can go home and work through it or I'll be there, if you need me to. You getting up and running out left me confused and that's what hurt, because I didn't realize what had gone wrong there. If you say you need space, that's something that I can understand and give you."

"Thank you," Connor murmured. He reached his hand forward and Jude took it. "I don't want you to get sick of me or the way I am."

"I won't."

"Wouldn't it make sense for you to find someone that already knows how to be in a relationship and would be okay with things?"

"And I would if that person was you," Jude replied brightly. "Don't underestimate how much I like you."

"I like you too."

Jude ran his thumb across the back of Connor's hand and Connor squeezed his hand. He didn't want to think that he was lucky for meeting someone like Jude but he _felt_ lucky. The last time he'd seen his ex-boyfriend had been December twenty-third of last year. It just didn't seem right that someone like Jude was in his life already. He thought that it would be better for Jude if they had met a year from now. Connor likely would have been better by then, if at least way further along than he was now. He might even be okay with the word 'boyfriend' and 'relationship' again. He couldn't bring himself to think that way with Jude, not yet. But he thought that, maybe, someday he would. He surprised himself by realizing that, someday, he _wanted_ to.

"Oh, um, do we still have plans for this weekend?" Jude asked.

"Unless you don't want to," Connor replied. He'd never want Jude to feel obligated to spend time with him. He didn't want to be his obligation.

"I want," Jude said brightly. "Saturday afternoon?"

"Yeah, okay."

"No need to sound so excited," Jude teased.

"I like spending time with you," Connor said.

"Good. Let's get the readings done, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed, and they settled down to read.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Everything Has Changed**_ **by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	17. Clean

Connor crept into the library, looking around for his group. They were supposed to be meeting at seven and it was just now turning. He spotted the back of Jake's head and Caitlyn and Alicia were standing next to him. He approached them slowly, looking around for Brandy, but he didn't see her. She would be the most noticeable – at nearly six feet tall with a habit of wearing high heels, Brandy caught eyes no matter where she went. Alicia saw him first and she smiled brightly at him.

"Hey, Connor, how was your day?" she asked.

"It was good. How was yours?"

"It was really nice. My friends and I found a party to go to after we finish up here. Jake said we'd only be here about an hour, right, Jake?"

Jake just shrugged. "Just to get a start on some ideas and what not. There's not a lot we can spend time on tonight."

Caitlyn checked her watch. "Brandy's probably plastered somewhere. Let's just start without her."

They moved on to a study room. It was like the one that Connor had been in with Jude on Wednesday, but with three other people in there with him, Connor found it way too small and far too claustrophobic. He took a seat at the far end of the table so that he would be out of people's way and so that he wouldn't have to share a side of the table with anyway. Alicia happily put herself in the seat next to him and tried to slide her chair closer. Caitlyn was on his other side, but Connor had noticed that she didn't seem to be the touchy-feely type. He slid his chair just a little closer to hers and, as he'd hoped, she slid away so that they both had the bubble they wanted.

In the end, they only sat together for forty minutes. They'd gone over the project expectations, tossed around some ideas, and wondered where Brandy was. It hadn't been as terrible as Connor had imagined it to be, but by the end of the forty minutes, he was dying to escape. The room was hot and, even though he knew that Alicia and Caitlyn hadn't moved any closer to him, it felt like they had. It felt like they'd been closing in all night.

"Let's go," Jake finally said, swinging the door open.

Connor gasped in relief, but he took his time packing up his bag. He couldn't bring himself to shove by Alicia and Caitlyn on his way out. Caitlyn was up and out the door after Jake, so Connor slung his bag over his shoulder and took that way out. Alicia left at the same time as he did and kept pace with him as he headed down the library stairs toward the front door.

"So, what are you plans for tonight?" she asked.

"Just heading back to my room."

"You could come to the party."

"Oh. No, thank you."

"Connor, come on." She grabbed at his arm and Connor took a stumbling step back. "What's with you?"

"Just don't like being touched."

''I'm not _that_ bad at it," she said, but she had a smile on her face, and Connor let out a sigh of relief. He was generally better around women than around men but he still didn't invite touches in. "The party will be fun."

"Not really a fan."

"We could have our own party."

 _Oh_. She was trying to flirt with him. "No, thank you. I, um, I'm with someone."

"She doesn't have to know." Alicia took a step toward him and, once again, Connor moved out of her way. "You're hot, I'm hot, there's nothing wrong with us having fun."

" _He_ and I are happy," Connor said.

"Wait," she said, and placed her hands on her hips. "Are you, like, gay or something?"

"I am," Connor admitted.

" _That_ is disgusting! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Before Connor could come up with anything to say, she'd turned on her heel and started off toward the library parking lot. Connor stood there until her bright red bun had disappeared and then he slunk back to his room. Once he was inside, he called his father.

"Hey! How are you?"

"Dad, is there something wrong with me?"

"Something wrong with you? No. Why?"

"I'm gay."

"I know."

When Connor had first said those words, Adam _had_ reacted like there was something wrong with him _. Gay_ wasn't an option for Adam Stevens's son. Being ostracized by his father had made him turn to his ex in the first place and it was the hard living conditions at home had made it easy for Connor to be convinced that it was fine to move in with his ex. After all, it couldn't have been worse than Adam's outright refusal to accept it and the continued comments about heterosexuality. Adam brought up Connor finding a girlfriend, Connor's future wife, and Connor's future biological children every time that Connor turned around.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" Connor repeated.

"No."

"Do you think it's disgusting that I'm gay?"

"No."

"You did."

"Yes. Connor, what's going on?"

"A girl asked me to go with her to a party and then she said that we should have sex. I told her that I was gay. She said I was disgusting."

"You're not. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Being gay isn't disgusting. She was probably feeling a little rejected and she didn't say the right thing, that's all. It doesn't make it okay to say but it's not your fault that she did. Even if you weren't gay, you still have the right to say no to her."

"Actually, Dad, what I told her is that I was with someone and he and I were happy together."

"So … you and Jude decided that you're in a relationship?"

"No. I-I'm not comfortable calling it that. But, he and I are still … together, in a way. I know he's not with anyone else the way he is with me and I'm not with anyone else the way I am with him."

"Being on the same page is what matters. Mutual respect matters. I'm worried that things will turn out how you did before. I know you say that he's different and I _want_ to trust you on that but I'm worried."

"He's different, really. He does respect me, I know it. I hope you see what I see in him."

"Does that mean I'm going to meet him?" Adam asked. "You didn't let me meet the last one."

"He hated the thought of meeting you. Which … may have been a red flag."

"Probably," Adam agreed.

"I haven't mentioned meeting you. I don't think he'd have a problem with it."

"Well, I'll be down to pick you up before our Christmas trip," Adam said. "If he hasn't gone home by then, maybe we could go to dinner."

"Christmas is kind of far away."

"Do you think he'll still be around?"

It took Connor a moment to realize that Adam was talking about Jude still being in his life, rather than being around campus. "I'd like him to be."

"For what it's worth, he seems like a fine person from what you've told me. He seems to be … acting properly." Adam sounded as awkward as his phrasing was. He continued, "I like how he hasn't seemed to stop you from doing things, like classes, the gym, and talking to me. Things like that stopped very quickly with the last one."

"Jude doesn't want to hurt me. Jude … helps me do things."

"It seems that way. Are you doing anything with him anytime soon?"

"Yes. He's taking me on a … d-date tomorrow."

"Where?"

"He's surprising me. He told me that it wasn't going to be going to the movies or going to get food."

"It sounds like an exciting day."

"I'll tell you about it," Connor promised.

"And everything has been okay with him? I've been worried since you told me about that extra therapy session."

"I'm fine," Connor said. "Just not as fine as I like to think I am sometimes."

"Hmm. Take your time, Connor. It's all right."

"Thanks, Dad. I think I'm figuring it out … What are you doing tonight?"

"It's just a night at home, as usual. Is there anything else on your mind?"

"No. Yours?"

"Not really. Just that I'm glad you're doing as well as you are. I'm proud of you."

"You say that a lot."

"I mean it a little bit more every time."

"Thank you."

"I'll let you get on with your night, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed.

"Goodbye, Connor. I love you."

"You too. Bye."

Connor put his phone down and spun his desk chair around so that he was actually facing his desk. He pulled out one of his textbooks and his notes from the lecture. He spent the rest of his night combining the two into a full set of notes. It was a lot better than some of the nights he had and he found it more appetizing than going to a party. There was a method to what he was doing, a set pattern that he could follow, and he found that comforting. He heard from Jude while he was on his break at work, and they spent the short time talking about Jason, who apparently had a new trainee that Jude had a lot of sympathy for. Connor went to bed shortly after their text conversation and had a restful sleep. He was up early the next morning, as he always was, taking his time to make himself a breakfast of bacon and eggs. He wished for a little more counter space, and then he thought of how great it had been to cook in Jude's kitchen. If he asked, Jude would let him cook there again.

At eleven fifty-seven, Jude texted him. Connor put his wallet in his back pocket and grabbed a sweater before padding down eleven flights of stairs. Seeing Jude made him feel happy and, once he was in Gerald, he reached over and brushed his fingers against Jude's bare forearm. Jude was just wearing a t-shirt today and Connor felt an admiration about that. He wore t-shirts under his button ups, which, though he usually left open, he made sure never to roll up the sleeves. It left him feeling vulnerable and exposed. But Jude … Connor could touch his bare skin and flip his arm over to see the blue veins.

"Hello to you too," Jude said.

"Oh! Sorry. Hi."

"Having a good day?" Jude asked.

"Mhmm."

"Good. I hope you'll like where I'm taking you."

"I'm sure I will."

"If not, we'll just go get ice-cream."

"I like that too."

"What did you do last night?" Jude asked.

Connor quickly summed up his encounter with Alicia and then his phone call with his father. Jude was silent, seemingly concentrating on driving, even after Connor finished his story. Connor wasn't used to Jude being quiet – Jude always knew what to say to him. He leant his head against the car window and waited. He started nervously fidgeting with his shirt sleeve.

"What do you think?" Jude asked. "Do you think you're disgusting?"

"I … I did, for a while. Um, between what my dad said when I was younger and the way that, um, _he_ … like, not, he, my dad, you know … Anyway, um, the way he would talk to me, I really … hated being gay. It was, actually, one of the first things my therapist and I worked on. Um, she said I had to learn to like myself b-before anything else. So, now, I … don't hate myself for it."

"Do you like it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you like being gay? Do you like yourself for it?"

"Sometimes. On good days. It would be easier to not be. A lot of my life could have been better if it weren't for it. B-but I'm working on it. And if I weren't gay, I wouldn't have gotten to kiss you and I like that."

"You _only_ like kissing me?" Jude asked, and his tone was so light that Connor smiled.

"And holding your hand and cuddling with you and going places with you and talking to you …" Connor trailed off, feeling his cheeks heat.

"Another question," Jude said.

"Oh. Okay."

"Would you want me to meet your dad?"

"Only if you wanted to …" Connor's voice dropped to a whisper as he added, "It would mean a lot to me if you wanted to."

"I do. I want us to be … together, like that. You know that."

"We're together, though, right? Like I told my dad …" Connor bit down heavily on the inside of his cheeks. He'd been wrong. Of course he'd been wrong. Jude wouldn't think of them as together until Connor could say the word boyfriend. Connor didn't like the idea of using a defining term but, as contradictory as it seemed, he liked the idea of he and Jude being together. With Jude, _together_ seemed more like … a partnership, with two people standing on the same side, rather than a game, where Connor was always losing.

"Of course we are. I'm all yours, Connor."

"Where are we going?" Connor asked, unsure of how else to respond to Jude.

"You will see in about … ten more minutes."

Connor went back to staring out the window. He had never been in this part of town before. Things were less residential than he was used to. There were small shops, which seemed to be more privately owned than chain stores. Connor liked the look of them better. They seemed more inviting and they fit the small, college area better than bigger chains. At least, that was Connor's opinion. He liked this place; he thought that it looked cozy. It was why he had picked here, instead of any of the other universities he could have gone to. He looked away from the street and over to Jude's profile, lit by the noon day sun. He was glad that he was here with Jude, sitting on Gerald's old grey seats.

Jude found a parking spot along one of the streets. Connor slipped from his seat and almost walked straight into the parking meter. Jude saw his little kerfuffle and laughed, but Connor was able to smile about it too, since it never felt like Jude was laughing _at_ him. Rather, it felt like Jude was laughing _with_ him. Jude gestured him down the street and, when Connor reached his side, Jude reached for his hand.

"Oh! But we're in public."

"Oh. I know you said not in public but with the way you held me in front of the library, I thought that it might be okay now."

Connor was glad that they were walking so that Jude didn't have the ability to stare at his face. It made thinking about things and, ultimately, admitting to things a lot easier. "I didn't know if you'd want to."

"And now I'm confused."

"Well … It's stupid to say it now."

"Why's that? I don't think what you have to say is stupid."

"Just … with everything you've said to me. You're different."

"Connor?"

"You … you don't want to be with anyone else. You … don't hate the thought of holding my hand in public because you're not looking for someone else to sleep with you and you think I'll get in the way."

"Did that happen often?"

"No. Not really. I told you … I didn't go many places with him anyway. But the few times it happened still hurt."

"Of course it did. Oh, Connor, I'd be more than proud to hold your hand. Actually, I've got this tiny possessive streak that wants to make sure everyone knows we're together. Even if you won't call me 'boyfriend'."

"It doesn't bother you, does it?"

"Nope. Like we've said, we're together."

Connor had this small voice in the back of his head that told him that this was a bad idea and that he was going to get in trouble for it. He reached out and gently touched his fingers to Jude's wrist. Soon, they were holding hands and walking down the street together. And, Connor couldn't believe it, but he was smiling about it.

"Well, here we are," Jude said. "It's not much but it's a pretty interesting little place."

Connor looked around. They were standing just outside of a little nook of shops, all set up in a pattern around one another. It was small and homey. From here, Connor could spot a breakfast place, a place that was advertising handmade pottery, and an artist's shop. There were several small areas that looked like courtyards, lined with benches and small trees. Connor could spot a crowed beginning to gather in one of them, with a man standing on a makeshift stage, backed against a large red building.

"Can we go see what he's doing?" Connor asked Jude.

"Sure. I'm here to follow you around. And tell you that we have to go to Benny's Donuts before we leave."

Connor made sure that he had a firm grip on Jude's hand and then he tugged him forward. They weaved through the street until they had reached the small courtyard. Connor had to stand on his toes to try and view the stage – he wasn't a small man, but there were taller people around and he wasn't one to press into the crowd to get a better look. Jude tugged on his hand and, though Connor was trying to watch the card trick the magician was trying to perform, he let Jude move him away. They circled around to where the crowd met the building. They were mostly to the man's back, so the crowd wasn't nearly as thick. Jude stood on Connor's left, where he was met with the crowd, and the building was on Connor's right. Jude's arm rested around his waist and Connor felt safe here. He watched as the magician performed a few more card tricks, made a cigarette disappear from a smoking man in the crowd, and then, the one Connor liked the most: he picked up an empty soda can and managed to get soda to pour back out of it!

"We have time for a few more tricks!" he said. He spun around in a circle and his eyes landed on Connor and Jude. He sauntered up to Jude. "Do you have a wallet?"

"Sure." Jude dropped his hand from Connor's waist and Connor felt nudges at his side as Jude patted his pockets. "I … had my wallet."

"Maybe your friend took it," the magician suggested.

"Me? I wouldn't –" Connor reached around to his back pocket. He felt his wallet in his left pocket, where he usually carried it, and then, in his back right pocket, there was something that also felt like a wallet. He pulled it out and glanced at Jude.

"That's mine!"

Connor handed it back over to Jude. "I didn't even … feel that."

The magician grinned. "Why don't you open it up?"

Jude warily cracked his wallet open and Connor took a quick step back as a dove exploded from between the folds. The bird settled itself on the magician, who smiled as the crowd clapped, and the magician bowed.

"Thank you! Thank you! I am Magic Mike … No, not that Magic Mike! I do another show, right here, at four!"

The crowd began to disperse and Connor faced Jude, loitering so that they didn't get caught up in the middle of it.

"How do you think he did it?"

Jude only shrugged. "It's magic! Do you need to know?"

"I _like_ knowing things," Connor replied.

"But it's magic!"

"What's next?"

"Whatever you want."

"I don't know what's here, Jude."

"Walk with me, then."

Jude offered Connor his hand again and Connor didn't hesitate to take it. They walked down the little streets, eating a small lunch of wraps and onion rings. They visited the artist's gallery, but his specialty was scenery painting and, while Connor could recognize the artist's talent, it just wasn't the type of art that he could spend long periods of time looking at. The handmade pottery shop was more interesting, if only because people were allowed to watch the pottery being made and painted. Connor thought it was fascinating. The woman who minded the part of the shop responsible for actually selling items approached them.

"We do pottery classes! They start at the beginning of every month! Sign up soon! Spots tend to go very quickly." She handed Jude a bright orange flyer.

"Thank you," he said sincerely.

"Excuse me," she said, and flitted over to the cash register to tend to two women.

"Want to take a pottery class?" Jude asked.

"I can't tell if you mean that," Connor said.

"Eh, I don't _like_ feeling like a spectacular failure so I don't think I do. But if you wanted to, I wouldn't be opposed to doing it with someone."

"Well, not this month."

"Agreed," Jude said. "Let's go see what else there is to explore."

They found a model of the university, which Connor liked. He'd never thought of campus looking like that before. They didn't linger and they walked on, continuing beyond a yarn shop that neither of them had any interest in and a florist shop which had several different kinds of cactuses sitting out front. Jude nudged Connor at the sight, and Connor became distracted. He didn't know why he'd picked _cactuses_ of all things to fixate on. He picked up a small plant that look like a ball with spikes.

"I thought you said you were out of room," Jude said.

"Well … maybe if I opened my blinds it would be able to survive on my counter."

"You don't open your blinds!?"

Connor shook his head.

"That means that a guy who lives in the basement has more natural light than you," Jude teased.

"Oh well," Connor said. He went to put the cactus down, but Jude stayed his hand.

"If you want the cactus, buy the cactus. What's one more going to hurt?"

"You shouldn't encourage my bad habits," Connor said, but he cradled the cactus in the palm of his hand and headed into the shop.

"If this is the only bad habit you have, I think it's fine to encourage it."

Connor really didn't think that it was his _only_ bad habit but he kept his mouth closed. Jude would find out soon enough how terrible he was. Connor wanted to savour this one nice thing. He paid for his cactus and then turned around to find Jude. Jude was staring at a potted tree that was roughly his own height.

"Buying a tree?" Connor asked.

Jude quickly shook his head. "I don't know where I'd put it. I was just thinking … Do people really keep trees in their house?"

"Why not? You could probably put it over by your bookshelf."

"I don't think it would fit in Gerald," Jude said. "It's just strange."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Ready?"

Connor nodded and they headed back out of the florist shop. It was nearly four in the afternoon and they'd walked all over the place. Connor was starting to yearn to be off the streets and somewhere that was decidedly less crowded and quieter. He felt a thrill of nervousness as he asked Jude if he was ready to go. Jude might not be ready. He might be disappointed that Connor wanted to leave when he had chosen this place to bring Connor. But Jude just agreed and reminded Connor about the donut shop. The donut shop was larger than Connor had expected it to be; he'd thought that it was going to be another small in the wall place, but it was large and brightly lit. The donuts were all displayed in glass cases.

"Pick three," Jude said.

"What?"

"I'm getting a box of six so pick three you want."

"Oh. Thank you."

He picked out a chocolate raspberry, powdered honey, and a cinnamon and vanilla. He happily carried the box for Jude as they walked back to Gerald.

"Do you want to go home or do you want to come with me?" Jude asked as they started driving.

"Oh. With you? Actually, I was thinking … I could make dinner for us."

"I'd really love that," Jude said. "Does that mean we should stop at the grocery store?"

"Probably."

They quickly ducked into the grocery store and Connor quickly gathered up what he wanted. They were in and out in fifteen minutes and then they were in Jude's apartment. Connor felt happy and comfortable here, and he only felt like he was a little bit of intruder as he put groceries in Jude's fridge while Jude packed his cupboards. He closed the fridge door and turned around to face Jude.

"So, was it a good day?"

"Yeah. I really liked it." Connor reached out and took both of Jude's hands in his own and then he started pulling Jude closer. "Did you like it?"

"I liked it a lot."

Connor slipped into Jude's hug. He settled both of his arms around Jude's waist, though Jude ran one of his arms diagonally across Connor's back and had the other around his middle.

"I just like spending time with you, though."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head and Connor felt goosebumps rise on his skin, but they weren't the bad kind of goosebumps. He looked up at Jude and touched Jude's jawline, tracing it. Jude smiled, truly undisturbed by the touch. Connor slipped his hand to the back of Jude's neck and, before he asked for the kiss, Jude's lips were on his. Jude's hand on his back pulled him even closer and Connor gave into him until he felt like his heart was going to thud out of his chest and he pulled away, putting his head back against Jude's shoulder.

"Let's go watch something," Jude suggested.

When they sat down on the couch, Jude was on the opposite end and Connor felt disappointed. He'd thought that Jude was going to sit close. He wondered if it would be okay to reach for him. Jude had told him that he liked being touched. Jude always seemed happy when Connor wanted to cuddle him. It was always Connor that was pulling away or messing things up. His hands were a little shaky but he reached out and touched Jude's arm anyway. Jude turned to face him, his brown eyes so warm that Connor felt like he was going to melt every time Jude looked at him.

"I was hoping we could lay like we did last weekend," Connor whispered.

"Sure," Jude agreed. "If you think you'll be okay."

"I know it."

Connor put his feet up on the couch and Jude curled against his side, his back against the back of the couch. He had his head high up on Connor's shoulder, so Connor leant his head against the top of Jude's. He carefully put his hand against Jude's side and then he moved his fingers up and down; lying like this, he could feel Jude's ribs.

"This really doesn't bother you?" Connor asked.

"No. But if you're not careful, it's going to tickle."

"So if I go like this instead …" Connor moved his hand again and Jude burst into giggles. He dug his hand into Connor's side, hiding his face away in Connor's shirt. Connor stopped the tickling nearly as soon as he'd begun. "I like hearing you laugh."

Jude kissed his cheek. Connor turned his head and then he and Jude were kissing again. Connor's eyes drifted shut as they kissed. He felt Jude shift at his side, rising a little so he could deepen the kiss. It would have been fine, if Jude hadn't brought one of his hands up by Connor's hand to steady himself. In an instant, Connor felt his body go cold.

"Please, don't," he whimpered into their kiss.

"Don't? What did I –" Jude pushed himself upward and then looked over at his arm. Quickly, he pulled it back into his lap, sitting up as he did so. "I'm so sorry, Connor. I-I forgot."

Connor began to shake and he curled himself up into a ball. He shut his eyes, but all he saw was a hand that was decidedly not Jude's reaching for him and he felt like he was going to throw up. He hung his head down and stared at the blue of his jeans. He tried to control his breathing, but he couldn't get control of anything. He jumped as something touched his shoulders and his head flew up, his flight response about to kick in. But then he just started to cry when he realized that Jude had wrapped the plaid blanket around him.

"I know it helps."

Connor just cried harder.

"I'm going to get you some water," Jude said. "It's okay. Just breathe. I'm sorry."

Connor pulled the blanket up over his head as Jude walked away. He sucked in a few breaths as the air around him became warm and he tried to control himself enough to focus on Jude's movements. He wanted to distract himself and listening to Jude clink around a glass was all he had. He didn't want to think about hands … near his face … near his neck … He grabbed onto his head, scratching himself with his own nails as he bit back a scream. There was no else. He was his own. No one was going to grab him or touch him and he would never have to live through last December again. That was over. It was over.

Jude put the glass down on the coffee table and Connor flinched at how close the sound was.

"I'm sorry. I … let me know if you want to go home, okay? Or if there's anything else that I can do."

"Okay," Connor squeaked.

He hated how he sounded. He hated that he lived like this. He hated that, ten months later, one innocent movement by a boy he liked could send him spiralling backward. He didn't want to be this person anymore. He wanted to be happy and secure. He didn't want to have to think twice and he didn't want Jude to have to think twice either. He wanted that so badly that he nearly began to cry all over again. He could work hard and get better, logically he knew that, but he also knew that he might never be the person he was supposed to be. He might never be perfectly fine; he might never find out who he would have been if his ex had never walked into his life.

When Connor no longer felt like he was going to explode, he carefully poked his head out of the blanket. Jude was sitting on the opposite side of the couch and when he saw Connor looking at him, he smiled tentatively, but it was quickly dropped as he apologized again.

"I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to."

"I know. I …" Connor's voice was shaking and he sucked in a deep breath, trying to cover his trembling. He balled his hands up into fists and then slowly let his muscles relax. "I will be all right." He made sure to keep his voice and tone measured this time. He sounded better to his own ears.

"Anything I can do?" Jude asked. "Do you want to go home?"

"Running away won't solve anything," Connor replied.

"It's not running away if it's taking care of yourself."

But Connor couldn't abandon Jude. Not after what he did last Sunday.

"We can m-make dinner now," Connor suggested. It was nearly six. His breakdown had lasted far too long. "I can do that."

"You don't have to."

"I want to be here with you," Connor said, because that much was true. "I … want to."

Connor watched Jude's face carefully. Here, Jude could either say that Connor was going home because he believed it what was best for Connor or could he could listen to what Connor was saying, no matter how fine Connor actually seemed. Connor shouldn't have doubted Jude for a minute, because Jude just shook his head.

"I'm not going to force you out the door if you want to stay. I just want you to know the option's there."

"Thanks," Connor said. "I know."

It was a good thing to know. He liked how Jude reminded him of it. It was as comforting as the blanket around his shoulders. He didn't even think Jude knew how wonderful the effect was. It made him feel warm and cared for. It made Connor think that this was how people were supposed to live.

"Would you like some help making dinner?" Jude offered. "I'll prove to you I'm trainable."

Connor's smile was half-forced. He knew that Jude was just trying to make him feel better, but he just wasn't ready to enjoy it yet. "We can try."

He stood up and carefully folded the blanket over the back of the couch before joining Jude in the kitchen.

"What are we making tonight?" Jude asked.

"Um, I thought that I'd just make some burgers. Greek burgers," Connor said.

"It sounds fancy."

"There's feta cheese in the middle. I … I hope you like that."

"It sounds amazing."

Connor pulled the hamburger meet out of the fridge. Before he put his hands on it, he reached down and nudged the bag of potatoes they'd bought toward Jude.

"Are you putting potatoes on the burgers?" Jude asked, and that actually brought a smile to Connor's face.

"Homemade fries," he explained quietly.

"Oh … That sounds a lot better, actually."

They worked mostly in silence, with Connor being the one to mostly break it in order to give Jude a few instructions. Jude had been right when he'd told Connor he wasn't very good at cooking, but Connor quickly realized that more than a little of it was due to laziness, as Jude was able to follow his instructions without a hitch. The more that Connor was able to focus on sculpting the burgers, cutting ingredients, and making sure everything was seasoned and cooked, the better that he felt. This was the good kind of distraction, where he could do something productive that took his mind off the dark places. And he thought that it was good that he had Jude working next to him, fairly closely due to the apartment's small size, but that there wasn't any time to think about whether or not it bothered him. He had a task to do and he liked being able to focus on it. He was almost sorry when their food was done and he and Jude took their seats at the counter. For the first time, Jude did not take the stool next to Connor. He left one between them. He touched the stool and then looked at Jude, who was watching him. He was surprised by Jude's words, if only because it proved how easy it was for Jude to know him and his thoughts.

"It's not because I don't want to be close to you. It's because I want you to feel okay." Jude toyed with a fry. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I think so."

Jude popped his fry in his mouth. "I'm impressed with myself," he said, tasting it.

Connor began to eat his own food.

"I've been thinking about that tree," Jude said. "I could stick it in front of the bookshelf. Maybe I could squeeze in the bathroom. It would surprise the people I have over … All three of them."

"You could leave it outside."

"But it's a domesticated tree. Wouldn't it get cold outside?"

"Are you really going to buy a tree, Jude?"

"No. Well … No. It wouldn't get enough light. I wouldn't want to kill it." Jude picked up his burger but, before he took a bite, he said, "Small plants not be bad though. Like I said, feel free to hoard cactuses here. I'd like a few more friends."

That coaxed a small smile to Connor's face. He picked up a few of his fries, but was more focused on Jude's expression as Jude tried his burger. It was one of Connor's favourite burgers to make, and he wanted Jude to like it. He _needed_ Jude to like it. He didn't want to be a failure. He didn't want to let Jude down, not when Connor had gone wrong this afternoon. He needed to redeem himself.

"This is the best thing I've ever eaten," Jude declared.

"R-really?"

"Second best thing," Jude amended, and Connor felt his heart fall. "I've been dreaming about that shrimp thing that you made me."

"Oh."

"I just like your cooking."

"So … that's why you talk to me."

Jude eyed him. "I can't tell if you're kidding or not."

Sometimes Connor wasn't sure either. He knew what he said was stupid. He'd barely cooked for Jude. Jude hadn't known that Connor would cook for him when they started talking. Jude had never _asked_ for Connor to cook for him. But he also knew that it would make sense for Jude to talk to him because Connor was useful to him or because Jude needed him around for a specific purpose; at least, it made more sense than the fact that Jude just liked his company.

"I don't know either," Connor said.

"Hmm, well, I told you: I talk to you because you're cute."

Connor turned back to his plate.

"Okay," Jude said. "Not in the mood for that either. I got it."

"I'm sorry! I'm frustrating you!"

"No, you're not. But I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to figure out what you like and what you don't. You know, it would be better if you told me how to help. Anything so I can know … I just don't want to hurt you, again. I'm so sorry that I forgot about the hand thing. I wasn't thinking."

Suddenly, Connor's mouth went sour. "Please don't be upset, Jude."

"You are the important one right now. We can talk about me later."

"I don't matter."

" _Yes_ , you do."

Jude's voice was fiercer than Connor expected and he clenched his hands tightly together. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry I can't believe you."

"It's okay that you can't. Is there anything I can do to help it?"

"No. It's like all of my insides were flipped upside down. It takes time for them to fix themselves," Connor whispered.

"That's okay. Take your time."

Connor touched his nail to the counter top. "Could we watch a movie?"

"Yeah! Let me just put the plates in the dishwasher."

Connor relocated himself to the couch and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. Jude turned on two lamps – one tall one by the book case and then another small one that sat on his nightstand. Then, he flicked off the overhead lights. It was a cozier atmosphere, but not a threatening one, and Connor was able to relax a little bit further. He let Jude pick the movie and Jude settled on a lighthearted comedy that was about ten years old. Connor was able to watch it and laugh and slowly release his tight hold on his memories. He was able to force them to the back of his mind where they belonged and, by the end of the movie, he had reached out to take Jude's hand again, just like _he_ wanted. _He_ wanted to be close to Jude and though he knew that it wasn't going to happen instantly, he was more than ready for the challenge that he was facing. He thought that Jude was worth it.

"We didn't do any readings tonight," Connor realized as the movie ended.

Jude let out a small snicker. "No, but it's not that late either."

"I'm not really in the mood," Connor admitted. "I'm tired."

"Time to go home?"

Connor nodded. "If that's okay."

"Yeah, of course it is. Is there another day that you want to study? I don't work on Tuesday."

"I have to meet with my group on Tuesday," Connor said.

"Wednesday, then?"

"Okay. Wednesday."

"But I'll see you in class tomorrow, right?"

"Right." Connor thought of last Monday, and then he dropped his hand to wrap his pinkie around Jude's. "I promise."

"Come on, let's get you home."

Connor put on his shoes, thinking that he'd left his jacket in Jude's car.

"Oh, Connor, don't forget your little friend."

Connor turned and Jude put his cactus into his cradled hands. Connor gently poked at one of the cactus's long, thick spikes, stopping short of allowing it to pierce the skin. He didn't want to hurt himself. He turned and opened Jude's front door and stepped out onto the small deck. He made room for Jude, who locked the door, and then they walked up to the car together.

Jude backed out of his driveway. As he started down his street, he asked, "So do you name the cactuses?"

"No," Connor said, almost laughing. "They're plants."

"Does that mean they don't deserve names?"

"What would you name a cactus?"

"You could name most of them after the seven dwarves," Jude suggested. "You have to admit, there's something kind of funny about a cactus named 'Sneezy'."

"What about a plant named 'Dopey'?"

Jude pretended to ponder this, and then he glanced at Connor, surprised. "I didn't know you could do that with a cactus!"

Connor smiled in spite of himself. He touched his palm to the top of his cactus again. "My cactuses don't do that."

"I think it's strange that you named my car but you won't name your cactuses."

"I guess I never thought about it," Connor admitted. "They don't misbehave like your car misbehaves."

Gerald grumbled and Jude nervously put his hand against the dashboard. "Not that we don't love you. You're a perfect car."

The noise didn't stop and Connor tried speaking to the car as well, echoing what Jude had done and gently caressing the car's dashboard. The noise just seemed to get louder. They had just reached the nano parking lot, but not a parking space, when Gerald decided to die. Jude swore and ran his hands over his face, while Connor anxiously tightened his grip on his cactus pot. He'd never heard Jude swear before. He stared down at his cactus as Jude tried the key over and over, but Gerald only let on small groaning sounds before giving up.

"Hey, move your car!"

Jude sighed and opened the door, turning to face the guy who'd yelled. "I'm dead."

"Wanna try jumpers?" the man offered. "I've got cables."

"Can't hurt," Jude said.

Connor sat still as Jude and the unknown man did as much as they could. But Gerald wouldn't start again. Jude sighed.

"Can you get in the driver's seat? I'm going to push it into the parking spot."

"Oh, I can push –"

"It's my car. I'm not that big of a jerk. C'mon."

Connor obediently situated himself in the driver's seat, feeling guilty. He should be pushing. He was happy to see that the man was helping Jude and it didn't take long for Gerald to be shoved into a parking space. The man put his jeep in the space next to Gerald and promptly headed into the nano building. Connor clenched his cactus tightly and stood up out of the front seat, facing Jude.

"What are you going to do with him?"

Jude shrugged. "I know he needs a new part. I've kinda been saving for it. So, I'll just get him towed in the morning and then live off ramen for a couple of weeks to make sure he moves again."

Connor wasn't going to let Jude do that. Adam wasn't a rich man, but he could more than make sure that Connor could buy as many groceries as he decided he needed. He would cook for Jude, he decided.

"How are you getting home tonight?"

"I'll walk. It can't be more than half an hour," Jude said with a shrug. "I know the bus is running but it gets kind of sketchy after ten and I'd rather not sit around and wait."

"Forty minutes," Connor said quietly. "C-could y-you text me when you're home, please?"

"Sure. I'll see you in class tomorrow, okay?"

Connor nodded and Jude turned, making sure that Gerald was locked. Connor watched Jude take a few a steps and then he called out Jude's name. Jude turned and smiled.

"Something wrong?"

Connor glanced around, but the parking lot was completely empty. He held his arms out and Jude walked closer to him, then took one of Connor's hands and then, with the hand that was clinging to the cactus, Jude held onto his wrist.

"I'd like a hug," Connor whispered.

"And I'd like to hug you."

Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Jude. He rested his head on Jude's shoulder, turning into his neck. "Are you okay, Jude?"

"Yes, completely."

He kissed Connor's cheek, which surprised Connor. He touched Jude's spine through his t-shirt, gently tracing it upward to the base of his neck.

"Are you going to get cold on the walk back?"

"I'm hoping the walk will keep me warm," Jude replied, and then he shrugged. "I'll live."

"You can borrow a sweater," Connor offered. "If you think you'd want it."

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Connor took Jude's hand and pulled him toward the front door of the nano building. He was nervous about taking Jude inside and showing Jude where he lived, but he wasn't just going to leave Jude standing outside. He didn't believe Jude would do anything nefarious after knowing where Connor lived – Jude couldn't even get into the building on his own. He was just nervous. Where he was should be a secret. His room was his safe haven and his hiding place. But he unlocked the front door and Jude walked in, lingering by the elevator.

"How high up do you live?"

"Eleven."

Jude hit the elevator button and Connor didn't begin to suggest they take the stairs. Eleven flights was too much and he'd be all right in the elevator if he had Jude. The doors dinged open and Connor followed Jude inside. Jude jabbed the eleventh floor button. While they whisked upward, Connor took Jude's hand again. Jude swung their joined hands and Connor studied Jude's face. He had a little bit of a frown forming between his eyes, but the rest of his face looked mostly untroubled. The doors opened and Connor tugged Jude to his room, which was the last one on the left. He took his key to the door and then hesitated.

"Jude? W-would you mind waiting here?"

"Nope. I won't move from this spot."

He slouched against the wall, beside the fire extinguisher.

"Thanks."

Connor unlocked his door and slipped inside, taking a moment to turn on the lights and complete his rituals of checking the bathroom and the window. Then, he went to his tiny closet and looked at his collection of sweatshirts. Everything he had with him was new. He picked up a black sweatshirt that had a bright yellow smiley face on it. It was a hoodie but it was also a light sweatshirt and he hoped that Jude liked it. He slipped out into the hallway, the sweatshirt in his hands.

"Thank you."

"Do you want me to walk you back down?" Connor offered.

"I'll find my way out. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Connor nodded and he opened his arms again for another hug. Jude held him for a moment, and then Connor tilted his head back, his lips right by Jude's. Jude quietly asked if he could kiss him and Connor lifted onto his toes just to meet Jude's lips. Jude's arms were strong on Connor's back and Connor just found it easy to fall into him. It was too easy and Connor found himself pulling away and putting himself back on his flat feet. He gripped his hands around Jude's shoulders. He should know what to do with his feelings. He should understand himself. Jude's face was understanding and he kissed Connor on the forehead, then he walked to the elevator. Connor stood and watched him until the elevator came back for him and waved goodnight to him.

Connor went back in his room, locking the door behind him, and then texting his father that he was home safely. He folded his bed down, thinking about how he knew he liked Jude and how that should be enough for him. He kissed Jude, he held his hand, and they went out on dates. He _should_ able to say boyfriend. It shouldn't be so scary. There had to be millions of people who called someone their boyfriend without fear and without flashbacks to the past. There had to be so many abuse victims out there who were able to do it. He _knew_ his feelings for Jude were genuine. He _knew_ Jude would never hurt him.

He didn't know why it was still so hard to accept it.

Connor decided that he would talk to Dr. Scott about it on Thursday. She would help him put things in perspective and understand himself. She was good about that. Connor finished fussing with his bedding and then he turned around and picked up the cactus he'd bought with Jude. He poked at the spikes a little, smiling at the plant. He had loved today. He put the cactus back on his counter instead of on the windowsill. He wanted to be able to look at it and let it fill him with the good feelings that had been with him while walking around the streets with Jude earlier. He wanted to remember that.

He climbed into bed and pulled out his phone. He had downloaded Tetris onto his phone and he found it an addicting game to play. He wasn't very good at it, though, and he had to restart his game five times in the time it took Jude to get from the nano dorms to his apartment. Knowing that Jude was home safe, Connor was able to curl up in bed and close his eyes.

It didn't surprise him that he dreamt of Jude.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Clean**_ **by Travis Atreo. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	18. Brave

Jude heated up one of the Greek burgers Connor had made yesterday for the two of them and carried it over to his couch. He sat on the floor between the couch and the coffee table and watched his laptop screen carefully. Right at seven o'clock, his Skype screen started.

"Hey, Moms."

"Fast food?" Stef asked, eyeing his burger.

Jude shook his head. "Connor made Greek burgers yesterday."

"They sound good," Lena said, while Stef repeated Connor's name.

"I know Mom told you about him," Jude said. "Don't lie to me."

Stef shrugged. "I might have heard a thing or two."

Jude was sure that 'a thing or two' encompassed the entire conversation he'd had with Lena, but he didn't really mind. Connor wasn't something that he wanted to hide from either of his mothers. He took another bite of his burger.

"So things are going well with him?" Stef prompted.

"I think so. He makes me happy."

"That's what we want to hear."

Jude tapped his fingers on the coffee table. "He's still healing and sometimes that makes things hard."

"What happened, love?" Stef asked.

Jude told them about how Connor didn't like having hands around his head or neck and how he had forgotten about it. He didn't know what his mothers would say; he didn't know what he wanted them to say. He knew that he couldn't be hyper vigilant all of the time; he knew that he and Connor were both human. That didn't mean that he didn't feel bad about it and it didn't mean that he wasn't going to strive to be better in the future. He wanted Connor to be safe with him. He didn't want Connor to think of his ex-boyfriend when they were together. He wanted to keep Connor's mind off his past completely.

"He … he worked through it," Jude added, "but I hate seeing him cry."

"It probably means a lot to him that you were able to admit that it was a mistake," Lena said. "That has to show him you're different."

"I hope so." Jude shrugged.

Before he could say anything else, Stef asked if that was a new sweatshirt he was wearing.

"Oh, it's Connor's … I borrowed it." Then Jude spoke before either of them could, "What's going on at home?"

"Nothing, we're boring, you know that," Stef said.

"You could at least pretend otherwise."

Lena laughed. "Oh, Brandon has a crush on the mother of one of his piano students."

"Am I allowed to know that?" Jude asked.

"Not yet," Stef replied.

Jude mimed sealing his lips.

"Everyone's doing good, though, and Callie is still in love with her new job."

"Or maybe the new reporter that was hired."

"Not that we know about that yet either, officially," Stef said quickly to Jude.

Jude mimed sealing his lips again, while Lena moved onto telling him that Jesus was thinking about buying a new car, and that was when Jude sighed.

"My car broke down yesterday on campus."

"Do you know what's wrong with it?"

"Yeah. I got it towed to the shop this morning. It's going to be about two hundred to fix. It could be worse."

"I don't want to see you put more money into that car than you paid for it," Stef said.

"I know, I know. But he should be fine after this."

"I'm sure _he_ will," Stef said, amused.

"Connor named him Gerald."

Stef mused over it, while Lena smiled at him. He liked her expression and how hopeful it was.

"Are you bringing Connor home for your birthday?" Lena asked.

"That's a month away."

"Maybe he's trying to hide Connor from us," Stef said to Lena.

"We're taking it slow."

"Slow and steady wins the race," Lena said.

"And the family is overwhelming," Stef conceded.

"I love you, though."

Jude's comment caused Lena to laugh and she nudged Stef's shoulder with her own. "It's not the _family_ that's overwhelming, it's just _you_."

"We're all nuts, let's not pretend otherwise," Stef said. "And you're the craziest of all of us."

"Don't get too ahead of yourself," Lena said. "You fit in here!"

"That's why we're all together. We all fit in here."

Jude propped his head up on his hand, smiling at the image of home. Stef and Lena were sitting together at the kitchen table and Jude thought about how, if he left right now, he could be there in an hour. Sometimes Jude got homesick for Stef's and Lena's in a way so intense that he couldn't quite explain. He thought that it might be because it had taken him so long to come home to them and they were his solid ground. Sometimes, what he needed was to go to a place where he knew he belonged – no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

"Once I get Gerald fixed, I'm going to come home for a night," he announced.

"Sure!" Lena said. "Just let us know!"

"I'll be honoured to be crammed into your busy social life."

"Well, Mama and I are in high demand."

"We're finally the popular kids."

Jude laughed and leant on his other hand too, just happy to listen.

(-.-)

Connor found the study room that his group was in and carefully inched his way into a seat. He was between Brandy and Jake today. Alicia was sitting across from him, sulking, and Caitlyn had followed him in, taking a seat at the head of the table.

"We need to decide on an idea today or we're going to get behind," Jake said.

"Wait! I have something to say," Alicia said.

"What?" Caitlyn asked, sounding bored. "We probably don't care."

"Did you know Connor's gay?"

Connor froze and he felt like his heart stopped beating.

"Yeah," Jake said. "You've got a boyfriend, right? That guy I saw you with the other day."

"We're together," Connor whispered.

"Who _cares_?" Caitlyn asked. "It's got nothing to do with this project."

Brandy studied her bright red fingernails, sighed, flipped her long black hair over her shoulder, and leant toward Alicia. "And I'm a lesbian. What the fuck are you trying to do?"

"I … I … nothing."

"Don't give me that," Brandy snapped. "What the fuck are you trying to do?"

Connor shrunk into his chair. He was going to lose it if they started to yell.

Alicia looked like she was going to give in, but then she stood up and glared. "Who do you think you are anyway?! You're just some dyke bitch and he's some kind of fa –"

She didn't get the word out before Brandy hit her. Connor heard Alicia scream and he heard the return slap. He started to shake and snatched up his bag, choking out to Jake, "I have to go."

"I'm right behind you," Jake said, shaking his head at the scene.

Connor didn't stop to see if that was true. He fled from the library and toward his room, but he wanted off campus. He wanted away. He picked up his phone and called Jude, knowing that he was home. He hoped he picked up; he hoped he answered.

"Hey, Connor. How was your group?"

"C-c-can you come g-g-get me? I-I-I …" He was starting to fly apart in public and it was taking all of his strength to keep himself together. He didn't want to be a mess in the middle of campus.

"Of course I can. Gerald's still in the shop so I'll have to take the bus, okay? But then we can come back here together."

"Okay."

"Where do you want me to meet you at?"

"By the bus," Connor whispered.

"Okay. I'll be there soon, all right?"

"Okay."

Connor hung up his phone and then he set off to find the stop for Jude's bus. He found it and then he sat on the ground behind the bench so that he could have a moment to just hang his head behind his knees and breathe. He didn't move until Jude crouched down next to him.

"Next bus comes in half an hour."

Connor picked his head up.

"Are you okay?"

Connor nodded. He couldn't bring himself to think. His entire self just felt numb.

"Do you want to talk about?"

Connor shook his head.

"At least sit on the bench with me, all right?"

Connor held out his hands and Jude helped him up. They sat on the bench together, shoulder to shoulder, until the bus pulled up. Connor hesitated as Jude boarded first, but there were only three other people behind him. He hoped that it wasn't going to be a crowded bus. He wouldn't be able to do a crowded bus after watching Brandy hit Alicia. He just _couldn't_.

Jude let him sit on the inside at the back and Connor was just grateful to be so understood. He started to tremble as the bus continued on, hearing over and over again the sound of Alicia being hit and then Brandy being hit. Jude quietly asked if he was all right, and Connor could only nod. He was grateful that Jude could just sit next to him – no touching, no questions, just existing next to one another.

They got off the bus across from Jude's workplace. It was a warm day and sweat formed on Connor's brow during the short walk to Jude's apartment. He didn't know what he was going to do once he was inside. He had just thought about being away from campus and getting somewhere safe, and that place was Jude's place. He was anxiously tapping his fingers together as Jude unlocked his door and let Connor in. Connor's eyes fell on the kitchen.

"C-can I cook something?"

"Sure. If you want to. I don't know what I have for ingredients, though."

Connor would find something. He turned on the light to the kitchen and started opening cupboards. There was part of him that felt like a trespasser, but Connor pushed that feeling away. Cooking and working at something was what was going to help him. He looked over as he heard a small scraping sound; Jude had taken a seat at one of the stools. Connor glanced over at him and felt everything just well up inside of him until he thought that he would burst.

He found the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies and he piled them up on the counter. Jude had to direct him to where his mixing bowls were kept. Connor started to make the cookies and then he let out a sigh.

"After we'd fight, I would come and cook. He always liked having food in the house. I liked losing myself in a recipe, especially new ones. Old ones I would have time to think and that wasn't the point. It would make him a little happier to see me cooking," Connor said quietly. He realized he'd paused in measuring out sugar to press a hand to his abdomen. He quickly shook his head. "Sometimes it was the only thing that I felt like I was in control of. I didn't have much say in anything else but food. He let me have that. Going grocery shopping with him was one of the only times I really left the house."

He continued in a small voice, talking about what had happened that afternoon. Most of the time, after he and his ex fought, his ex would leave the house and Connor would go to the kitchen to cook. There, he would talk aloud to the empty room, spilling out all of his thoughts, tears, and feelings. The kitchen had been the happiest room in the house for him.

"I don't like seeing violence. I mean, seeing it in T.V. and movies feels different. But when it happens in front of me … I just think about what happened to me. And I keep hearing the sounds of that slap in my head and that I just … can't take it."

Connor closed the oven door so that it made no sound at all and turned to face Jude. Jude was sitting at the kitchen counter, watching him intently, and Connor's face crumbled.

"You're listening to me," he whispered.

"Of course I am."

Connor turned back to the oven. "The cookies will be done soon."

"How are you feeling?"

Connor hid his face in his hands and sat on the floor, unable to think. "I don't know."

He heard the stool move and then Jude was next to him. "Connor, no one's going to hit you anymore. That part of your life is over. You're not in trouble for anything, certainly not for who you are. Alicia was over the line but that's her fault, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong."

Connor reached his hand out and Jude took it. He wanted to badly to believe what Jude was telling him. He wanted to be able to trust Jude entirely. He gasped in surprise as Jude pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

"You're safe here."

Connor believed that, at least, and he let Jude hug him. He even took comfort from the hold. Jude rocked him back and forth as the chill from the tile floor leaked into Connor's bones. "I'm sorry I get upset so much."

"It's all right."

"Wouldn't you be happier if I didn't cry?"

Jude kissed his forehead. "Only if you were actually happier. It's hard, I know that, and I want to be here for you through it."

"You're too nice, Jude."

"I don't think so."

Jude moved so that his head was nearly touching Connor's shoulder and Connor shivered as Jude's breath got under his collar.

"Are you all right?" Jude asked, tilting his head so Connor couldn't feel his breath anymore.

"It tickled."

"What tickled? This?"

Jude tucked his face back into the crook of Connor's neck again and huffed heavily at him. Connor laughed in spite of himself and he tightened his grip on Jude. Jude kissed the side of his neck, which made Connor's tense, but Jude backed off immediately, huffing on Connor again, and Connor let out another laugh. Jude sat back and then leant forward again, just to kiss the tip of Connor's nose.

"Good, you're smiling."

Connor tapped his fingers against Jude's back. "You make me do that."

"It's the only thing I'll ever make you do."

"You make me laugh."

"Okay, two things," Jude conceded.

"You make me happy," Connor added.

"Okay, okay. It'll only ever be good things. At least, I hope that it's only good things."

"It is." Connor moved his hands around so that the pads of his fingers were resting against Jude's cheeks. "You really don't mind?"

"Nope. And I really like it when you play with my hair."

That was a cue that Connor understood and he moved one hand up to the back of Jude's head. Jude's brown hair was very short and was on the thinner side.

"Can I ask you something?" Connor whispered, suddenly scared.

"Of course."

"What do you think of my hair?"

"I like it. You're a little shaggy, but you look good. How long are you going to let it go?"

Connor shrugged. "I trim it sometimes but I haven't really gotten it cut in months."

"I like how you look," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's cheek. "How do you feel?"

"I still feel it hurt but you help. I feel like I can deal with it when you're here." Connor frowned. "Sometimes, when it's quiet, I hear it over and over again. Just the sound of … of … s-someone being hit and I … can't get rid of it."

Jude was quiet and Connor wondered if he had said too much. He ran his hand through Jude's hair again and Jude looked at him, meeting his eyes. Jude was an open person, but Connor still couldn't read the expression on his face. All he was sure of was that Jude's brown eyes were sweet and he didn't want to look away. He played with the hair on the back of Jude's head.

"Can I ask what you're thinking?" Connor whispered.

"I'm very sorry that was your life."

Connor stared down at the blue tile floor, feeling his face start to twist. "I don't like the feeling of you pitying me."

"I don't pity you!" Jude blurted. "It's not pity. No one should have to live like that. But I know you and I care about you and I hate that for you even more, okay?"

"Okay," Connor whimpered.

"Do you believe me?"

"Yes." This time, Connor sounded surer of himself.

"I'll take it," Jude mused.

Connor traced his fingers along the edge of Jude's jawline and then up to touch his lips. Jude closed his eyes and Connor hesitated before touching the skin of his eyelids as gently as possible. He felt the storm inside of himself calm as Jude's breath tickled his wrists. Connor kissed one of Jude's cheeks, thinking of how good it felt when Jude kissed him like that and he hoped that Jude felt the same thing. He let his lips linger against Jude's skin, letting them slide until he was just at the corner of Jude's mouth. He lingered there until he couldn't breathe and then Jude tilted his head and they were kissing.

Connor liked the way that Jude kissed him. He liked that it was soft and gentle; he liked that Jude didn't grab at him and force him into the kiss. Jude kissed him like it was _Jude's_ privilege to kiss him. Connor didn't feel trapped in Jude's embrace; Jude made him feel like it was right and safe for him to be there. And it was terrifying, how much Connor felt like he could trust Jude. He desperately wanted to try to rein himself in and control himself, but he had to learn how to let himself go a little. He knew that. He knew that it was safe to do that with Jude. Jude, who was kissing him in a way that made him want to sing happily and smile so brightly that his past self was sure to feel it.

The oven timer beeped and Connor looked up, immediately started to rise. Jude's hand caught his shirt.

"But you just started kissing me."

Connor started sinking back to the floor, even as he said, "But they'll burn."

"We don't want them to burn," Jude said.

"No, we don't." Jude slid backward and nodded toward the oven, and so Connor jumped to his feet.

Connor lowered the oven door carefully, since Jude's kitchen was small and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt him. He got the cookies out of the oven and sat them on top of the stove, quickly closing the oven door so he could look at his baking. He poked at the cookies and then he was too scared to face Jude.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to the pan. "I think I burnt them a little."

He didn't move as he listened to Jude stand up from the floor, and then Jude was leaning on the counter next to him.

"They look great to me."

Connor showed him the undersides of the chocolate chip cookies, which were definitely darker than they should have been. He didn't want to look up at Jude. Cooking had given him some semblance of control, so long as he got it right. Getting things right was always first priority. Jude picked up one of the cookies and Connor let out a squeak. They had just come out of the oven! They still hadn't set properly yet and the cookie began to melt chocolate all over Jude's fingers. Still, Jude popped the entire thing in his mouth.

"You're going to burn yourself!"

Jude had one hand over his mouth, speaking into his palm as he protested, "They're so good!"

"Are you lying to me?"

"I wouldn't do that." Jude swallowed his cookie and dropped his hand. "You did a good job."

The corners of Connor's mouth lifted and he had to glance away from Jude in order to keep from grinning like he was an idiot. The little words that Jude gave him meant the most to him. He finally got himself under enough control to look up at Jude, and he noticed a bit of chocolate on the side of his mouth, which he pointed out. Jude swiped at his lip but missed it entirely, and so Connor ripped off a piece of paper towel and cleaned Jude's face for him.

"See, that would have been a perfect opportunity to kiss chocolate off me."

"That seems awkward," Connor replied innocently.

"So can I kiss you now?"

Connor rose up onto his toes, thinking. He put his hands on Jude's shoulders to balance himself.

"Trying to be tall?" Jude teased and went up onto his own tip toes.

"You're not that much taller than me," Connor said.

He was pouting a little. Jude carefully slipped his hand around Connor's waist, watching his facial expression. Connor was bad at hiding when he was anxious or concerned about something. He didn't see any of that and Jude put his other arm around Connor. Connor stepped into him and kissed him first. His lips moved slowly and he had one hand gripping the collar of Jude's shirt so that Jude could feel his hand against his neck. Connor's kisses were always slow and a little hesitant, but Jude felt the urge, like he had before, to push; he wanted to kiss Connor until his lips went numb and his lungs felt like they were going to burst from the lack of oxygen and then kiss him again. But Connor kissed him, beautiful and sweet, and Jude dropped one hand to the small of his back. He felt Connor's arms tighten around him and Jude had to lean back to look at Connor's face.

"What?" Connor murmured. "Is it okay?"

"You're squeezing me."

"You don't like being squeezed?"

"I didn't know if it was good or bad."

"I meant it to be good." Connor rested his head against Jude's shoulder and tightened his arms again.

"You seem happier," Jude said, frowning as he remembered the man that he'd picked up only an hour and a half before.

"Just trying not to think about it. Can we watch a movie?"

"Sure," Jude said.

He gathered up a bunch of cookies onto a small plate and they went over to the couch. Connor curled up in his usual spot while Jude put the cookies down on the coffee table. He dropped onto the couch and then he looked over to Connor.

"Can I lay on you?"

"Okay," Connor agreed, but his voice was small.

Still, Jude lowered himself into Connor's lap. When he rested his head on Connor's thigh, he felt Connor relax and place his hand on Jude's head, playing with his hair. Jude felt perfectly happy as he picked up the remote and relaxed against his … Connor. Connor wasn't his boyfriend, not yet, because Connor didn't like that word. Jude _did_ , though, and he wanted to use it with Connor, but he knew he had to hold himself back. He'd known that he would have to be patient in any kind of relationship with Connor and that he would have to move at Connor's pace. Even though Connor seemed to be doing really well, Jude knew that there was still a lot lurking below the surface. And Jude was happy to just to be with him and he could put that over using the word 'boyfriend', despite how much he wanted that word.

Jude rolled in Connor's arms so that he was looking up at him. Connor's hand shifted from Jude's hair down his cheek and the side of his neck. His touch was light and ticklish, but Jude didn't laugh. The look of concentration on Connor's face was intense and Jude's gaze fell to Connor's own neck. He didn't want to think about what Connor had gone through to cause such an intense hatred of hands near his head and neck. It was sickeningly obvious but Jude didn't want to believe that. He didn't want to think about that happening to someone he cared about.

"Will you tell me what you're thinking?" Connor asked.

"I need your help next week," Jude said. He didn't want to tell Connor what he'd really been thinking. Connor had been through enough today.

"With what?"

"I need a costume for Halloween. Since it's, like, a week away I figured I should get on that."

"If I go, will I need a costume?"

"You don't _have_ to, but I think it's fun." Connor stared at him, uncertain. "Just think about it, okay? We'll go costume shopping sometime next week, after Gerald comes home."

"I can think about it," Connor agreed.

"Have you thought about what you want to watch?"

Connor shook his head. "You pick."

"I pick a lot."

Connor kissed his forehead and Jude melted. Connor was always so soft and sweet and he managed to tie Jude up in knots with just one touch. Jude felt like he could just lay with Connor like this forever. He turned slightly so he could face the screen and he felt the pads of Connor's fingers gently massaging the top of his head. Jude sighed happily.

He could definitely stay like this.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Brave**_ **by The Shires (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	19. Shelter

Jude held the door of the costume shop open for Connor and Connor slipped inside. He looked around, overwhelmed, at the rows and rows of costume racks. There were quite a few people skipping around – lots of kids, particularly. Connor sidestepped a couple of six year old girls, one of which was holding a Darth Vader costume and the other who was holding a pink princess gown. Jude spotted the sign that advertised men's costumes and he took Connor's hand, guiding him that way.

"Do you have any ideas?" Connor asked.

"Not totally sure yet. I thought something would jump out at me." Jude paused and picked up a large Snow White gown. "I could wear this. I think I'd look good in a tiara."

Connor stared at him. "You … You'd … wear a dress?"

Jude shrugged and put the costume back, continuing on their way. "I used to, when I was younger. Um, one of my foster fathers didn't like it so much and …" He fluttered his hand dismissively, but he saw understanding on Connor's face. "I haven't worn one in a while. I wouldn't be against it, but I just don't know if I can pull it off anymore. I think I'd be too self-conscious about my legs."

Connor smiled uneasily, as if he were trying to figure out if Jude were joking. Jude grinned reassuringly and they walked into the men's section.

"Have you decided about Halloween yet?"

"I … I don't know. W-what will it be like?"

"I think there's thirteen people at Taylor's last count. We rented out two rooms at the motel. People are going to be drinking. I know you don't drink but I don't know how comfortable you are around drunk people. Taylor and I know everyone that's coming, though, and they're all good people. It's only a little way from my apartment so if you get uncomfortable I can give you my keys and you can go there or I can go with you."

Jude watched as Connor studied a Chewbacca costume with more intensity than needed. He didn't look up at Jude as he asked, "Will you be drinking?"

"Yeah, probably a beer. No more than two. I won't be drunk."

Connor moved onto a pirate costume. "What about when I wanted to go home?"

Jude didn't have an answer. "I won't be able to drive you. I don't think I'm going to stay there overnight – the rooms will be crowded enough – so you're welcome to my couch. I don't think Halloween is the best night for you to walk home. Campus can get kind of crazy."

Connor took a chicken costume off the rack and held it up to Jude's body.

"Is this what you want to see me in?" Jude asked, and Connor shook his head.

"It seems like a lot," Connor said.

"I just think it seems heavy," Jude said, touching the side of the costume again.

"I meant Halloween." Connor put the costume back on the rack.

"I know, which is why it's all up to you."

"I … I'll tell you on Friday," Connor decided.

"That's cutting it a little close."

"Is that not okay?"

"Of course it's okay. Why Friday?"

"My therapy appointments are Thursday. This is something that I'd really like advice with."

"Take whatever time you want." Jude picked up a blue crayon costume. "What do you think?"

"It doesn't look like you," Connor decided.

"Put me in what you think looks best."

"You trust me to pick out your costume?"

"We'll see once you pick."

Connor was fairly indecisive, but Jude was happy to spend a couple of hours following him around as Connor picked up different costumes and then put them back on the rack. He stood still as Connor held up an Elmo costume and a ninja costume. Connor placed a rainbow clown wig on Jude's head and Jude grabbed a large pair of pink sunglasses that took up over half of his face. He struck a pose and Connor began to laugh.

"Do I look awesome?"

Connor shrugged and smiled. "You look ridiculous."

"That's the point." Jude lifted a bright green clown wig and gold glasses. "Join me?"

"I …"

"Just for a selfie."

"You're very hard to say no to sometimes," Connor said, but it was said good-naturedly, and so Jude didn't worry.

"It's the hair, right?"

"I think you should dye it rainbow," Connor replied, securing the bright green wig on his own head.

"Do you have the skills to do it?"

Connor shook his head and the wig went askew. He readjusted it and then he slid the glasses on his face.

"You look weird," Jude told him.

"It's your fault," Connor said, and Jude could hear defensiveness in his tone.

"I still like you. Come here, let's take a picture."

Connor put his arm around Jude's shoulder and Jude grabbed Connor around the waist. He tucked the sides of their wigs together and raised his phone in front of the two of them. Connor was smiling and Jude quickly snapped the photo, wanting to preserve that moment and that look. The moment the photo was taken, Connor was sidling away and returning the wig and glasses to their places.

"Everything all right?"

"It's just a new feeling. I just need to process." Connor took a deep breath. "Come on. We haven't been over there yet."

Connor took Jude's hand and led him to another corner of the store. Jude was beginning to wonder if Connor was going to go through everything when Connor paused and looked over at him, staring down at the costume on the rack. Jude tilted forward but he couldn't see it. Connor studied him intently and then he nodded.

"I like this one."

"Let's see."

Connor pulled the costume out hesitantly and held it up. Jude grinned.

"I love it!"

"Really?"

"Really. Can I see?"

Connor handed over the costume and Jude held it up. It was Scarecrow from _The Wizard Of Oz._ It came with a thin brown hat, a hay coloured hood, a green shirt with some rips that had hay peeking through, brown patched pants with hay peeking out the bottom, and thin brown boots. On the tag of the costume, there were face paint suggestions to make the costume even more complete.

"It's perfect," Jude decided.

"You haven't worn it before, have you?" Connor asked, but Jude shook his head. "Oh. Good. I … think it'll … look good on you."

Jude held it up to himself. " _If I only had a brain …_ I guess I should learn that song for Saturday, huh?"

"It couldn't hurt."

"Do you want to get anything?"

Connor shook his head. "No … I don't think so."

Jude looked at the costume again. "I don't think this needs anything else, do you?"

"No."

"Then let's go."

Jude paid for his costume and the two of them headed over to Gerald. Jude was so glad to have his car back. The bus wasn't the end of the world but he liked being able to drive and he was attached to this car. Connor, too, he knew was happier now that Gerald was back in his life. Busses made him uncomfortable. Once they were moving, Connor rolled down the window and leant into the wind. It was late enough in the day that the sun was starting to sink and it gave Connor an orange glow. If Jude didn't have to keep his eyes on the road, he would have been more than content to just stare at him. But he got them to the nano dorms safe and sound.

"Have a good shift," Connor said.

"It's only four hours, I should survive. I'll tell you all the boring details in class tomorrow."

"Deal."

Connor grabbed the door handle but then he let go, turning and leaning across the console to kiss him. It surprised Jude, because Connor was usually so hesitant about kissing him; Jude always knew when it was coming because Connor either asked or he went for the kiss so slowly that Jude had time to prepare. But he liked this surprise kiss. He was more than happy to lean across the console. He rested one hand against Connor's side, feeling the hard lines of his muscles and his ribs. Connor rested his forehead against Jude's.

"Sorry," he murmured. "I really wanted to kiss you."

"That's not something that you _ever_ have to apologize for." Jude gave him a brief kiss.

"Okay. I'm going to go inside now."

"Have a fun night," Jude said.

"I think I'm going to go to the gym."

"Have fun lifting weights."

Connor smirked. "It's leg day."

"Have fun lifting weights with your legs."

Connor laughed, and Jude leant into the hand that Connor was tracing along his jaw. His lips brushed against Connor's and Connor pressed a better kiss to Jude's mouth.

"Okay," Connor whispered. "You have work."

"No, I don't," Jude said, and Connor laughed again.

"I don't want you to have it either," he revealed nervously. "I just … feel good today. I want to spend more of it with you."

"There will be more good days and we'll definitely spend those together."

Connor nodded, but he was still smiling, and Jude loved that. Connor tapped his fingers against Jude's neck, under his ears, and then he glanced at Gerald's clock.

"One more kiss?"

"Yeah, there's more than enough time for that." Jude hooked his fingers in the front of Connor's t-shirt, pulling him over the console to kiss him again.

(-.-)

Connor didn't want to Skype his father. He wanted to lay under his black comforter on his small, thin dorm mattress and just breathe. But he answered when Adam called, positioning his laptop on his desk chair so that he didn't have to leave bed. He stared at Adam, who was sitting at the dining room table in his house, wearing a plain grey t-shirt. He frowned when he saw Connor.

"Is everything all right? Why are you in bed?"

"It's been a long Thursday," Connor murmured. "I was thinking about just going to sleep."

"It's only seven," Adam said.

"I know."

"What made today so long?"

"We talked about a lot today," Connor said.

"You and Dr. Scott?"

"Yeah. I'm trying to think through things. Trying not to be scared."

"What do you have to be scared of?"

Connor pulled one of his pillows against his stomach, wanting something to cling tightly to. It was still hard to open up to Adam because sometimes, he still saw the past hanging over everything. But that was his problem. It was hard for him to let go of it.

"Dr. Scott says that I'm healing at a rate that works for me and that she's proud of. She thinks I'm doing good. I'm waiting for it to fall apart." Connor closed his eyes and amended, "For _me_ to fall apart."

"I don't think it's going to happen."

"I think I've been doing too well."

"There's no such thing."

"What if I just break? What if everything just falls apart?"

"Then we pick up all the pieces again and put you back together. You have support. You have me. I know that Jude would be there for you too."

 _Jude_. Connor took a deep breath and he told Adam about the Halloween party and about how he probably wouldn't be able to return to his own room that night.

"I'm worried about sleeping on the couch. I haven't spent the night in the same room with _anyone_ since … since …" He sniffed his tears back. "It's not the same. Jude's not the same. But I worry so much … Bu-bu-bu-but then I think about how Dr. Scott thinks I'm doing good and how you said I shouldn't hold myself back and I think about how I really _want_ to go and I want to spend that time with him but he'll be drinking and other people will be drinking and if I want out … How do I get out?"

"You can _always_ call a cab," Adam reminded him. "You don't need to stay in a situation you're uncomfortable in. And if you're going to lose it like this before you go, it might not be the best idea to go. I don't know what to tell you, except: make sure you're comfortable. Don't push too far because you'll hurt yourself."

"I just want someone to give me the answers," Connor whispered. "I want someone to tell me what to do and how to feel."

"No, you don't!" Adam said. "You _can't_ want that."

Connor hid his face into the pillow. He didn't want Adam to see him cry. He didn't want anyone to see him fall apart like this, but he couldn't hang up Skype either. He ended up whimpering that it was so much easier. Living with his ex and having everything decided for him was terrifying but now that he had to function on his own, he was finding out the freedom wasn't any easier.

"You don't want to go back there, Connor." Adam's voice was light and soothing, and Connor sucked in a deep breath.

"No," Connor had to agree. "I don't."

He didn't miss that life. He would never want to go through it again. But he missed how he had that life figured out. He knew the rules of that life and he missed knowing the rules. He didn't like scrambling to figure things out here because he constantly felt like he was going to make all the wrong decisions and he couldn't handle making a wrong decision. He needed to get it right because the consequences of getting it wrong were too much to bear.

"I think that if you want to go, you should. Make sure you have the number of cab companies in your phone. I know you probably won't like getting into the car with a stranger but it's the best alternative and I know that you'll be safe. But if you decide not to go, then that's okay too. You don't have to go. I know I said don't get in your own way, but if you push yourself too far, then it's the same thing."

"I thought I'd get answers when I talked to Dr. Scott. I don't have any answers."

"You have the answers."

Connor shook his head. He didn't have anything, let alone answers. If he knew what he was doing then he might, at least, be a little happier. He might make Jude a little happier. He didn't want Jude to hate being with him because Connor liked being with Jude. He liked being around Jude.

"Whatever you do, just remember it's okay to make mistakes. They aren't the end of the world. You can learn from them and wake up and try again in the morning."

Connor stared at Adam. Where had _this_ father been when he was a teenager? Where had this kind of father been when Connor needed this kind of father to keep him from the life where every mistake was the end of the world? Connor sighed, too exhausted to say another word about it.

"Whatever you decide, I hope to hear all about it."

"You know you will, Dad."

"But I don't want to make it sound like I expect it. I like the idea of you liking tell me things."

Connor had no response to that. He buried his head in the pillow again.

"I'm going to let you nap," Adam said. "I hope you feel better in the morning."

"Goodnight, Dad. Have a good day at work tomorrow."

"And have fun in class," Adam said. "I love you."

"You too."

Connor hung up Skype and closed his laptop. He forced himself to get up, check that the door was locked and flick the lights out. He climbed back in bed, his mind reeling so much over Jude's party that he couldn't get a grip on what he was actually thinking. He pulled his comforter out of him and clenched his hands together, feeling them trembling. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to sleep but the thought of putting effort into anything right now was just too much. He closed his eyes, but he knew that he would have to work through things so that he could relax and so that he could go to bed.

He sorted through everything he had said to Dr. Scott and everything that she had said to him. He thought about what his father had said and he thought about Jude. He thought about what he wanted and he thought about all the ways that it would go wrong. Connor tucked his back against the wall and hugged the pillow even tighter. He knew what he was going to tell Jude tomorrow.

He wondered what Jude would say.

(-.-)

"Midterm on Wednesday," Jude groaned. "Are we ready?"

Connor plucked the stem out of his apple. "I think I am. We can study lots on Monday and Tuesday if you want."

"I'd like that." Jude glanced out the window to see if there was anything interesting going on, but there was just the sight of students trying to decide if the sprinkling of rain was heavy enough to warrant an umbrella. He glanced back at Connor, wondering what he would say to Jude's idea. "So, Taylor is getting here tonight. The party is tomorrow and then she's bussing back on Sunday. Even if you don't come to the party, I'd still like you to meet her. I know she'd really like to meet you."

He wondered if that was intimidating to Connor.

"Oh. I, um, I decided about the party."

Jude waited, flattening his fingers against the cool tabletop. He focused on Connor's face, tuning out the din of the crowded student union building.

"I think I want to try it," Connor said. "I don't think I'll be able to stay long, even though I feel bad about going back to your apartment so early by myself. My dad suggested I take a cab home. I think I might do that instead."

"Whatever you're more comfortable with."

"Does it make you happy that I'm going?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I want you to be happy you're going too."

"I think so. I know that I'll hate not trying to go more than I hate going."

"Hate? That's a good word!"

Connor missed Jude's sarcastically upbeat tone and started to stress. "I just meant it's going to be hard and different, not that I'm going to really, really _hate_ it. You're going to be there and I don't hate you –"

"Connor, I was just being funny. It's okay."

Jude watched as Connor sat back, reining himself in. He watched emotions flicker across Connor's face and then Connor looked down at the table. "I'm nervous."

"That's okay. We'll just see what it's like when we get there, right?"

Connor nodded. "So, Taylor gets here tonight?"

"Mhmm. We'll get Chinese food and stay in. Then, tomorrow, we'll go grab stuff for the party. I'll probably pick you up around seven tomorrow, if that works for you."

"Okay. I'm interested to meet her."

"She's a little larger than life," Jude said. "I think she gets more dramatic every time that I see her."

"But you love her."

"Of course I do." Jude grinned. "But that doesn't mean that I don't see what she's really like."

"Do you think I'll like her?"

"I think you will after you get used to her. I think it might take you a while to do that."

"Hmm." Connor put his empty water bottle on its side and spun it between his fingers. "I … Do you think she'll like me?"

"She already loves you, don't worry about that."

"She doesn't know me."

"I talk about you a lot. And she knows how much I like you. That's how Taylor operates, mostly. She's super loyal." Connor had stopped spinning his bottle, so Jude reached out and grabbed it. He spun it himself and it landed with the cap pointing toward Connor. "I think this means you have to kiss me."

"Spin the bottle was how I had my first kiss," Connor said. "Seventh grade."

"How was it?"

"Awkward," Connor replied. "It was just a couple of friends. We thought it was something rebellious, you know? Anyway, Madison's landed on me and it was a two second kiss. Not a big deal."

"It could have been worse."

"Yeah," Connor said, and then he sighed. "It was before I started questioning whether or not I was gay. I'm glad for that. I don't have to feel guilty about kissing a girl and knowing I shouldn't be. As dumb as that sounds."

"It doesn't sound dumb. I think it makes a little bit of sense." Jude reached over and touched his fingers to Connor's and Connor's face lit up.

Connor ran his thumb over Jude's knuckles. "I like how much you understand me."

"I always try my best."

"Your best is really good," Connor said.

Jude could only smile at that. Being with Connor was sometimes hard to navigate and he was worried about getting it wrong a lot. He didn't think that he did, but he liked hearing it from Connor's mouth. Connor wasn't going to lie to him, which Jude knew for sure. He knew that part of it was because Connor was too _scared_ to lie and he hated the thought of why, but it came up far too often. Jude couldn't ignore Connor's past. Connor wore it like a cloak most of the time, though Jude didn't really know the specifics. He couldn't decide if he was glad about that or not. He didn't necessarily want to know all the details of what had happened to Connor, but he didn't want Connor to be afraid of confiding in him about it either.

Connor tapped his thumb on Jude's hand. "We have to go to class."

"Let's go."

They squished under Jude's umbrella as they walked to class. Jude put his arm around Connor to keep him close as they walked, and he was glad that he was able to do it. He liked that they could walk across campus and clearly be together and that it didn't bother Connor. Connor pressed against him as they walked up to the building of his next class.

"You still owe me a kiss," Jude reminded him sweetly.

Connor faced him and Jude adjusted the umbrella over them. He looked like he was thinking things over, and he tilted his head to the side. "But you wouldn't _make_ me kiss you."

"No. I'm just hoping that you want to."

Connor kissed Jude on his cheek and Jude quickly turned so that he could catch Connor's cheek in return.

"I'd rather just have a hug," Connor admitted.

"Then that's all you have to say."

Jude wrapped one arm around Connor while trying to keep the umbrella from hitting either of them in the head. Connor wrapped both arms around Jude and squeezed him tightly.

"Don't be nervous. If you change your mind at any time, it's okay," Jude said. He kissed Connor's forehead and Connor held him tighter.

"Can you do that again?"

"What? This?" Jude pressed his lips to Connor's forehead.

"Yeah."

"Or this?" Jude kissed Connor's cheek. "What about here?" He kissed his other cheek.

Connor let out a small chuckle and then he hugged Jude again. "Okay. Class time. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you!"

Jude walked off to health psych, but he didn't pay any attention. He took some notes, but he mostly texted Taylor, who was currently sitting on a bus. She made it to his apartment before his class was even over, and Jude couldn't keep up with the barrage of texts that she sent him.

 **Taylor: It is DAMP**

 **Taylor: LEAVE A SPARE KEY OUT**

 **Taylor: WHY IS YOUR LANDLORD AT WORK I WANT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNN**

 **Taylor: Jude!**

 **Taylor: Jude!**

 **Taylor: Jude!**

 **Taylor: Jude, I'm here!**

 **Taylor: Come get meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee**

 **Jude: I'm leaving class now! It's not my fault you got here so early**

 **Taylor: but I missed you!**

 **Jude: I missed you too.**

 **Jude: Okay I'm driving now.**

Jude put his phone in Gerald's cup holder and then he backed out of the parking lot. He was glad that it was a short drive to his apartment and he pulled into his driveway without too many more shrieking texts from Taylor. He had barely turned off Gerald when Taylor appeared at the bottom of the hill. Jude quickly made his way down the slick stone path, carefully not to slip and hurt his back again, and then he hugged her tightly.

"I thought you were never going to get here!"

"I wouldn't leave you standing outside for _too_ long," Jude teased. "Let's go in."

"Just my luck, it had to rain today of all days!" Taylor made a sound of disgust. "Come on, California, I thought you were supposed to be sunny _all_ the time."

"It's not allowed to be sunny when it benefits you," Jude said. He opened his front door and Taylor ducked under his arm to bound inside first.

"I need a sweater!" she announced, and went over to his dresser, pulling open the sweater door. "Oh! A new one! I like."

"No!" Jude cried, knowing what she was holding. "Not that one."

"Why not?" Taylor asked.

Jude turned to look at her, and she was just holding it. He sighed in relief. He didn't want her wearing it. "It's Connor's sweatshirt."

"Ooh." Taylor wiggled her eyebrows at him, but she put the sweatshirt back in the drawer, this time pulling out one of Jude's four Anchor Beach sweatshirts. "Grad sweatshirts. Oh, the memories."

"Best years of our lives, right?" he said sarcastically.

"I miss some parts of it," Taylor admitted. She dropped down on the couch. "Come, sit with me."

She was in Jude's usual spot, and so Jude sat in Connor's.

"How's the boy?"

"Joining us for Halloween," Jude said. "You'll get to meet him tomorrow."

"Yes!"

Taylor punched her hand in the air and grinned. Jude found himself thinking that her cheeks looked a little bit puffy, like she had baby fat cheeks again. But she quickly distracted him by asking how things with Connor had been.

"Really good. He's amazing, Taylor. And," he said sternly, "do not jump on him and hug him when you meet him. Don't do it."

"I remember what you told me about him," Taylor said. "I wouldn't."

"It doesn't hurt to remind you," Jude said with a shrug.

"You just have no faith in me," Taylor said, rolling her eyes.

"You knew that."

"Okay, food time," Taylor said. "I need a distraction to keep from killing you."

"Take out or do you want me to take you on a proper date?"

"Let's just have a quiet night in, honey," Taylor said. "Or is that what you call Connor?"

"I just call him 'Connor'."

"That's boring."

"I'm in a relationship," Jude pointed out. "How long have you been alone?"

"Low blow! Just for that, you're buying me extra egg rolls."

Jude just shrugged. "Sure, whatever. Need a menu?"

"No, I know what I want. It's pathetic that I don't even live in this town and I know what I want from restaurants around here."

"You're here a lot, so I won't call you pathetic."

"You'll just think it."

"It's a lot better than the things I usually think of you."

Taylor threw a pillow at him. "Order! First you leave me in the rain and then you make fun of me and then you won't feed me –"

"It was _hardly_ raining. But, fine, fine." Jude grabbed his phone and dialled _Bob Likes Chinese Food._ He had the number saved to his phone, which could also be called pathetic, and he gave them his order. They gave him a forty minute delivery time, which he reported to Taylor, dropping his cell phone on the couch between them.

Taylor hadn't heard a word he said. Instead, she scooped up his phone. "Oh my _God_! Your background."

Jude could have blushed. He had changed his background photo to the one of him and Connor in the costume shop. "It's the only photo I have of him."

Taylor squinted. "He's cuter than you said."

"Isn't he?"

"Does he have brothers?"

"No. I think it's just him and his dad."

"How much does his dad look like him?"

 _"Taylor!_ "

She held up her hands in surrender, but she didn't apologize. "Daria and Thomas are driving down tomorrow."

"Is she still pregnant?" Jude asked.

Taylor nodded. "Her appointment is on Tuesday, though. Um, don't say anything to her, okay?"

"I wouldn't. You know that I wouldn't."

"It doesn't hurt to remind you," Taylor sang. She flopped across the couch and onto Jude. "I'm tired. Being on a bus is _exhausting_."

"Don't be such a princess."

"I'm not a princess."

Jude went to reply, but his phone lit up. Taylor grabbed at it first

"Connor texted you!"

"Give me that!"

Jude grabbed his phone out of her hands and checked his texts.

 **Connor: I don't want to bother you when you're with Taylor but I wanted to tell you something**

 **Jude: don't worry about it. What's going on? Everything okay?**

 **Connor: Yeah. I bought a costume for tomorrow**

 **Jude: Taylor says hi**

 **Jude: really!? What is it?!**

 **Connor: It's a surprise**

 **Connor: I say hi too.**

 **Jude: I'm even more excited for tomorrow, then**

 **Connor: don't get your hopes up too high. It's boring.**

 **Connor: I'll leave you alone now. I just wanted to tell you that. Have a good night with Taylor.**

 **Jude: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Night!**

He put his phone back down and Taylor stared up at him.

"You look happy."

"I am happy."

Taylor turned back to her channel surfing. "Oh, look, _Project Runway!_ "

"I swear we've seen this episode," Jude said.

"Yep. And we're seeing it again. Don't complain."

Jude sighed and mimed zipping his lips. It wouldn't do any good to argue with Taylor.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Shelter**_ **by Birdy. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	20. Un-thinkable (I'm Ready)

It was quarter after seven on Saturday night when Jude parked in the parking lot of the nano dorms. Connor had been waiting for him since seven and he squinted at Gerald. Jude was alone in the car and he wondered where Taylor was. Connor clenched his hand around the plastic bag that had his costume in it and then he walked to the passenger side door. His stomach was in knots and his hands were shaking as he let himself into the car.

"You don't _have_ to come."

"I want to. I'm just …" Connor stared down. "It's a lot of people and it's alcohol. And … I'm scared."

"Just stick with me, baby."

Connor's head swung around. " _Baby_?" he whispered.

"It was just … in my head. If you don't hate it, then I might keep saying it."

"Baby," Connor murmured.

"You might hate pet names, I don't know. I kind of like it."

"Is baby what you called Dylan?" Connor asked. Just because Jude's last relationship was a good one didn't mean that Connor wanted elements of that in their relationship. He wanted what was theirs to be their alone.

"No. Dylan wasn't a fan of pet names. Sometimes he called me 'honey'. Taylor still calls me honey. Sometimes. When she's drunk and I'm the only person around that she can cling to. But, don't worry, she'll probably just flirt with Daria tonight."

Connor reached over and took Jude's hand in his own. He didn't hold it. Instead, he traced his finger along the outline of Jude's hand and then flipped it over to look at his palm and follow the lines of his palm with his thumbnail.

"Do you want to be my baby?" Jude asked in a lilting tone.

"You're cheesy sometimes."

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah. I think cheesy is sweet. I like that you're not afraid of being that way." Connor touched his fingers to Jude's collarbone and then drew his hand up to touch Jude's cheek. "You're soft."

"It's the way I am."

"It's a good way to be," Connor kissed Jude. "I think I'd like it if you called me that."

"Okay, baby," Jude said, and it made Connor feel warm. Jude said it so affectionately it was impossible not to feel cared about. "You know, you can call me whatever you want."

"Anything?"

"Sure."

"So … I can call you Judicorn?"

He held his breath until Jude laughed. "You and Taylor are going to get along too well."

"Where is she?"

"I dropped her off at the motel with the supplies so she could start setting up. Which means more work for her and less work for me," Jude joked. "I think she would have forced me to stay and help if she wasn't so curious about you."

"It worries me," Connor said. "What you might have told her. What if she has expectations that I can't meet?"

"I don't think you need to worry about that. You're good just as you are, baby. Ready?"

"I think so." Connor drew in a deep breath and then he let it out very slowly. "Let's go."

Connor nervously turned up the radio as they drove, focusing on the music instead of a few hours, where there would be lots of people and lots of people who were drinking. He didn't really know how he would feel about it until he was standing there but he knew, sitting here now, that he was apprehensive about it. He knew that it was worrying him to death. He worried so much that he didn't even remember the drive happening. One moment they were just leaving the nano parking lot and the next, Jude was parked in his driveway. Together, they took the fifteen minute walk hand in hand and, before Connor was fully prepared, he was facing a long, two story building.

"Still ready?" Jude asked.

"Yeah. Still ready."

Connor still hesitated, though, until Jude reached out and took his hand. Jude led him up the wooden stairs to the second story, and then they walked along the entire deck, passing several numbered doors until they reached the very end. Jude knocked on the door, and it flew open to reveal a short, slightly chunky, blonde woman who was dressed in tights and a large grey t-shirt.

"Hi!" she said, her eyes locking on Connor. "I'm Taylor."

"I'm Connor." He held out his hand, because he knew that he should and he knew that Dr. Scott would want him to.

Taylor shook his hand more vigorously than Connor expected and he almost started shaking right then and there. She let go of him and grinned brightly.

"How much did you get done?" Jude asked her, shooing her into the room.

"Not much. But, people are coming here to drink and hang out. I don't think anyone's expecting us to decorate it to all hell."

Connor followed Jude, looking around the motel room. It had two beds and a desk in it, along with a small bathroom. Taylor had a punch bowl sitting on the desk, along with liquor and red plastic cups. She had a few Halloween decorations scattered around, the type of things that anyone could have picked up from a dollar store, like cobwebs and a few hanging ghosts. Jude and Taylor talked and Connor walked toward an open door on the left wall, curious about it. He walked peeked inside and there was another motel room that was a mirror image of the one that he was standing in now.

"Daria and Thomas should be here any second," Taylor said. "I'm going to go put my costume on."

Connor looked over his shoulder as Taylor picked up a bag and locked herself in the bathroom. Jude sauntered over to him.

"What do you think?" Jude asked.

Connor tugged Jude out onto the deck and leant against the tall wooden railing. He took a deep breath of the evening air.

"I like that I can come outside," Connor said. "I can breathe out here."

"So if you disappear, I'll know where to find you." Jude rested his chin on Connor's shoulder and kissed his cheek.

"Yeah."

"Going to tell me what your costume is yet?" Jude asked.

"If Taylor's putting hers on, maybe you should put yours on too."

"Yeah, probably. Going to help me with my face paint?"

"Sure. If you want me to."

"I trust you not to poke my eyes out, at this point."

"Your mistake," Connor said dryly, and Jude laughed.

Jude tickled Connor's side and stomach and Connor laughed. He sobered as Jude's fingers grazed one of _those_ spots on his abdomen but, for once, Jude didn't notice. He was already turning to go back into the room, his hand dropping down so that he could pick up Connor's hand. Connor let Jude tug him back inside and they went into the second room so that Jude could change into his costume. Connor sat down on the motel bed, unsure of what to do with himself as he waited for Jude to emerge in his costume. It didn't take Jude long to change and he came padding back out. The little boots that he wore with the costume made strange, slightly crinkly noises as he stepped.

"How do I look?" He held his arms out and spun slowly around in a circle.

"You look good," Connor said.

Jude sat down on the bed next time him and Connor's stomach jumped up. He didn't want to think of the connotations of the bed and how easy it would be for Jude to push Connor down against the bed and do whatever he wanted and Connor would take it because he had learnt not to scream and he had learnt not to fight back and he learnt that it was easier to just close his eyes and pretend that nothing at all was happening, even though he had never learnt to get the pain out of his mind entirely.

Jude rooted around in his bag and handed Connor tubes of face paint and the face paint card from the costume itself. "What do you think?"

Connor thought he needed to calm the hell down. Connor thought that he needed to get over this and everything else. Connor took the face paint from Jude and he couldn't hide how badly his hands were shaking.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked. "What happened?"

"Nothing. _Nothing_. I'm … I'm fine." Connor took a deep breath and repeated himself. "I'm _fine_."

"Baby, don't lie to me."

Jude was sweet. Jude called him baby. Jude wasn't going to hurt him. Connor stared at his fingers until they stopped shaking.

"Just working myself up a little." Connor didn't want to admit to Jude how _off_ he truly was. He would feel like a failure and Connor didn't want to feel like a failure. He wanted to feel like he had won and that he was in control of what happened to him and not like what had happened to him was controlling him. He knew it would take a long time to get to that point, but he didn't want to admit how far away he was. "I'm okay. Let's do your face paint."

Connor looked down at the card. It was simple face paint, with a brown nose and large, black, triangle-shaped eyebrows. Connor could do that. Jude sat still, his eyes closed, as Connor picked up the face paint and dabbed some onto his finger. He outlined everything carefully onto Jude's face and then filled it in. He stared at his work critically, but then he reminded himself that it didn't _need_ to be perfect. Jude wasn't expecting it to be perfect.

"I think I'm done."

Jude opened his eyes and smiled at him before walking into the bathroom to check on it. "Looks good!" Jude called.

"What looks good?" Taylor shouted.

"Me!"

Taylor appeared in the doorway and Connor quickly took stock of her costume. She was a _Playboy_ bunny. She stared at Jude critically as he walked out of the bathroom.

"I _love_ it. It looks even better on you than I thought it would, actually." She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded decisively. "Very nice, I approve."

"Connor picked it out," Jude said.

"Good job."

She held up her hand for a hi-five and Connor lightly tapped his hand against hers. He didn't like what a hi-five sounded like.

"Come on," she said. "You can do better than that."

"Oh."

Before he could decide if he was going to try for a better hi-five or not, Connor saw Jude subtly shake his head at Taylor. She tilted her head at him, but then she backed away from Connor. Unease flittered through Connor. What had Jude told her about him? Jude wouldn't tell his secrets, he knew that, but he felt like Jude wasn't treat him as a person, for the moment. Jude was treating him like a kid or someone who couldn't speak for themselves, and Connor hung his head. He could have found a way to brush off Taylor. He could have said something like 'better luck next time' or 'a hi-five is a one-shot deal'. They definitely weren't _smart_ things to say but they were things that he could have said that she would have accepted.

There was a knock at the door and Taylor squeaked out "Daria!" before heading off to the other room to answer it. Connor picked up the bag that held his costume and stood up. He supposed that it was time for him to get ready.

"What's the face?" Jude asked.

Connor stared down at his feet. He couldn't lie to Jude and he knew himself well enough to know that he wasn't going to be able to just brush this off. He didn't want to let things fester with Jude. "I … I knew you talked to Taylor about me. I just d-didn't think you … told her about my … ex. I didn't think you'd tell her the things that I told you …"

"Oh, no, no. I didn't. Connor …" Jude took Connor's hands in his own and Connor made himself look into Jude's eyes. "What I told Taylor was that you didn't like to be touched, since she might have tried to give you a hug when she met you, and I knew that wouldn't be okay. I didn't tell her anything else about your ex or about what happened to you. I know you're putting your trust in me when you tell me that sort of thing. I'm not going to betray that."

Connor turned his head as a girl's shrill voice reached him from the other room. "Drinking, Taylor?"

"It's Coke!" Taylor replied. "Am I not allowed to enjoy soda or …?"

Jude rolled his eyes. "Ignore them. They bicker more than an old married couple."

"You don't want to drink before the party's gotten started, anyway," A male voice chimed in. Connor guessed that it was Daria's boyfriend, Thomas. "Otherwise you're passed out while everyone else is still having fun."

"He has a point," Taylor said.

Connor turned his attention back to Jude and Jude was staring anxiously at him.

"Please believe me," Jude said. "I wouldn't do that to you."

"I don't think you'd hurt me on purpose," Connor said. "I just … I can talk for myself, okay?"

"Okay." Jude kissed his forehead and Connor would have melted into it, were it not for the fact that Jude hadn't said – "And I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to. I guess I just want this to go as easily as it can for you and I overstepped it. I'll watch myself a little better from now on, okay?"

That. Exactly that. Jude could admit that he was wrong and Jude could try to change. If Jude really did change and if Jude really did watch himself from now on … It was more than Connor could have hoped for. He was used to always being in the wrong and to never have someone admit that _they_ were in the wrong.

"Thank you."

"Now, go get your costume on," Jude said. "I'll be right here because I can't wait to see."

Jude sat on the end of the bed and bounced once, grinning happily at Connor. Connor took a deep breath, picked up his bag, and went into the bathroom. He took off his plaid shirt and stared at his arms, as he always did, and he touched his hand to one of the scars along his arms. Through his years with his ex, he hadn't avoided scars. He wondered what Jude would say if he ever saw them. Connor didn't know if he ever wanted Jude to see them. He closed his eyes and turned his back on the mirror, picking out the white button up that he had packed for himself. He put that on instead and then he smoothed his hands along his black pants. His costume was very simple. He dug in the bag and picked out hair gel. He slicked his hair back tightly. Then, he pulled on the black vampire cape with the red lining. He very loosely tied it and then he studied his face. He didn't want to put face paint on. He felt too dumb to stick his fangs in his mouth right now, and so he put them in his pocket. He tied the sides of his plastic bag up and then stepped back into the motel room.

Jude looked like he hadn't moved. "Hey! I like it! Nice hair."

Connor touched his head self-consciously and was met with the unfamiliar feeling of gel. He hadn't known how his hair would go back, now that it was long and shaggy. When he was with his ex he'd been kept to very short hair, he hadn't had to do anything with it. Now, he was just unsure about how he felt about his hair as a whole.

"Should I call you Dracula tonight?" Jude asked.

"I think you've given me enough names today."

"That's true. Here, stick your stuff in the dresser and I'll go introduce you to Daria and Thomas."

Connor carefully placed his bag in the empty upper drawer of the motel dresser. Jude put his hand on the small of Connor's back and they walked into the second motel room together. Taylor was sitting on one bed and, on the other, was seated a thin girl with dark skin and thick, curly hair who was dressed as Tinkerbell. Behind her, flat on his back, was a short, Asian man who was dressed as a reaper. He had his feet resting against the wall and was playing with Daria's hair.

"Hey, Thomas, Daria, this is Connor. Connor, this is Taylor's roommate, Daria, and her boyfriend, Thomas."

Connor shook their hands, breathing out a small hello. He was glad when he was able to tuck himself back against Jude's side, sitting behind Taylor on the bed. Daria did a lot of talking, filling Jude in on what was going on at school, and Jude asked questions when expected. Connor found himself tracing circles on Jude's back. Connor could have stayed like that all night – just friendly people sitting around and talking. But before Connor knew it, all of Jude's and Taylor's invited guests had arrived and there was no safe place for Connor to go. The motel rooms weren't all that big and there was just enough people to cover all of the sitting spaces. Connor had managed to avoid shaking most people's hands, nodding at a few of them. He was quickly forgotten by most people in favour of the friends that they had in the room, and he was more than a little grateful for that.

Connor was leaning against the back wall, mostly just watching people. Taylor was sitting on the bed in front of him, and though Jude – along with his beer – had gone into the next room, following a couple of co-workers, Connor didn't feel any panic. Taylor was more than happy to sit there and ask him questions about his relationship with Jude and tell him about Jude, and Connor was happy to talk to her. She'd been continually filling up her plastic cup and Connor knew that she'd started adding alcohol, but he didn't really seem drunk except for the occasional little slur in her words.

"Ask me anything," Taylor told him. " _Anything_."

Connor took a breath. He knew there were things that he wanted to ask Taylor but it would almost feel like a betrayal of Jude's trust.

"Anything … Hey, do you want to know about Dylan?"

Connor nodded. It wasn't that much of a violation. Jude was perfectly willing to tell him about Dylan and it wasn't as though he asked. Taylor had offered!

"He wasn't as cute as you," Taylor told him, taking little pauses between every word. "You're very cute."

"Thank you."

"He and Jude said I love you but I don't know if they meant it," Taylor continued, shaking her head. "Not like _real love_. But I guess that makes sense. Does anyone feel real love when they're, like … however old we were in grade ten."

Connor shrugged. That sort of subject was something that he had been struggled with. Had he really loved his ex? He'd been with him for five years, from fifteen to twenty, and he had said 'I love you' through all of those years. How much had he meant it? How much could he have meant it, after everything that he'd been put through? And if he really had meant it, when would he be free from it?

"Have you ever been in love?" Taylor squinted at him. "Have you had sex? 'Cause Jude hasn't and I think he should."

"Oh, I –"

Connor couldn't think of anything to say, but Taylor wasn't quite done.

"But Dylan was his boyfriend and he doesn't call you boyfriend. Has he just not asked you? 'Cause that doesn't seem like a very Jude thing. He's a stupidly hopeless romantic. He doesn't really let anyone see it though."

Connor _really_ had nothing to say to that. "I'm … going to go get some air."

He had to carefully slide through bodies to get out the door, but he was glad to find that the balcony was completely unoccupied. He sat on the ground, tucking himself into the corner. Then, he pulled his cape from his back to around his front, hiding himself underneath of it. He leant his head against the railing, thinking about what Taylor had said about Jude being a romantic. Then, he began to feel guilty. He knew that Jude wanted to call him his boyfriend, but had he underestimated how much Jude wanted it? And how far of a leap was it from 'together' to 'boyfriend' and 'relationship'? 'Boyfriend' seemed more like an indication that he was _property_ and it had been used against him in the past. Because he was a _boyfriend_ , there were expectations and things that he had to do for his own boyfriend. But Connor thought of what he had told Adam. Jude was himself. He wasn't like anyone Connor had ever known, and he certainly wasn't like Connor's ex.

Connor looked up as the motel room door opened and he worried about which of the partygoers he'd come face to face with. Connor had been haphazardly introduced to all of them, but he didn't really remember any of their names. Mostly, he'd been dead set on staying out of their way, particularly as most of them came in carrying their own booze. Connor didn't know if any of them were violent drunks but there was about a million things he'd rather do than find out what kind of drunk any of them were.

But it wasn't a random person. It was Jude. Jude took a seat next to Connor, but he sat so that they were facing one another, with Jude's side against Connor's drawn knees and Jude's bent knees touching Connor's shoulder.

"Hey," Jude said softly.

Connor reached out and touched his fingers to the bottom of the beer bottle that Jude was holding. It was cold and full. "A new one."

"A new one. My last one," Jude said. "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking."

"About anything important?"

"You."

"So, no?"

Jude smiled at him, but Connor couldn't smile back. He felt too serious. "I'm sorry. We should have this conversation when you're sober."

"I'm not drunk."

Connor had to admit he didn't sound drunk.

"A little buzzed, maybe, but I'm not drunk. If you want to talk, I can definitely do that. And I'd rather do that then let you stew."

"I want to play a game," Connor said.

"Sure." Jude put his bottle down and crossed his arms over the tops of Connor's knees. Connor reached out and touched Jude's nose. "You okay, though?"

"Yeah."

"So, what kind of game are we playing?"

"I'm going to say a word and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head."

"All right," Jude said. "I've got this."

Connor paused, wondering where to start. "Possession."

"Thing."

"Person."

"Not a thing." Jude gave him a lopsided smile. "Sorry, best I could do."

"That's okay. Um, friend."

"Uh … safe."

"Boy."

"Girl?"

"Boyfriend."

"Love."

Connor hesitated and then repeated, "Love."

"Happiness," Jude said. "Why are we playing this game, baby?" Before Connor could answer, Jude's face brightened. "I like calling you that."

"I like you calling me that, too," Connor said. "I was thinking … why not call me boyfriend too?"

"Are you sure?" Jude asked. "I know that it was a big thing for you."

"Honesty, right?"

"Right," Jude said.

Connor took a deep breath. "I … I know that you want this. I know that you want to call me that. I want to be able to do that for you. But I need you to promise me some things first."

"Let's talk about it, at least," Jude said. "I want us both to be happy."

Jude pressed a kiss to his knee and Connor decided that he loved the little bits of affection that Jude did. Little things like that made him feel constantly cared about. Jude wasn't going to disrespect him.

"I … I don't want to be c-called 'boyfriend'. L-l-like as a nickname."

"Okay. You'll be baby." Jude smiled and Connor felt comforted.

"I don't think I'd mind being in introduced as your boyfriend."

"Good, because that would be the point," Jude joked.

"Um, this is the serious one," Connor said, as Jude took a sip of his beer.

"Let's hear it."

Connor took a deep breath, because it was the hard one to say. But he knew that he had to say that. More than that, he knew that he had to _mean_ it. "If … If you ev-ever said that b-b-because I'm y-your b-boyfriend I h-h-had t-to do s-something, ev-even if you were j-joking, I … would never talk to you again."

"Like, if I said because you were my boyfriend you had to kiss me or had to be the one to get food from the fridge?"

"Yeah," Connor murmured.

"Okay. Not a big deal."

"Jude?"

"Mhm?"

"If … how …" Connor pulled his vampire cape closer to him. "What would change if we were boyfriends?"

"From how we are now? Nothing. Not unless we were ready for something to change."

Connor moved his cape out of the way and leant toward Jude. He could smell beer on his breath and Connor almost leant away again. The sour smell threatened to overwhelm him, and so Connor tucked his head so the scent was gone but he could still look up at Jude. Jude's hand rested against his ribs.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

Connor wasn't entirely sure but he knew that he had to say something. "I'm scared of being a possession again."

"You're a person." Jude draped himself further across Connor's knees so that they were nearly nose to nose. "You'll never be my possession; that's not what boyfriend means. You'll be my boyfriend and I'll be yours, but you still make your own rules and do your own thing, you just take me along with you sometimes."

He wasn't nearly as eloquent as Jude normally was and Connor blamed the beer that was sitting at his side. Still, his voice was as caring as always, and Connor believed what he was saying.

"You're running the show here, Connor. We're moving at your pace because I just want to be with you and I want you to be comfortable with that."

That sounded a little more like Jude. "But you want to call yourself my boyfriend."

"Yeah, I do. When you're ready." Jude kissed Connor's knee again. "Why did this come up?"

"Taylor … j-just mentioned something …"

"She's a talkative drunk," Jude said. "I should have prepared you for that. And you don't need to listen to her."

"But was she wrong?"

Jude paused and he took another drink from the beer, which was nearly halfway finished by now. "No. She's not."

Connor picked up Jude's beer bottle and played with it, being careful not to spill a drop. He watched Jude's face carefully. Alcohol had been a tricky beast with his ex. His ex had a drink fairly regularly, but it wasn't something that Connor had been allowed access to. Rarely, though it did happen, his ex would make Connor a drink when he poured himself his usual rum and Coke or he would give Connor a can of beer on a hot summer's night. Connor had always been expected to drink all of it, like it was a gift and Connor wasn't allowed to waste it. It was never something that Connor was allowed to get for himself and if he had touched his ex's alcohol without permission, there would have been hell to pay. He was possessive over his alcohol.

Jude was watching him with interest, but not like he was going to kill Connor for touching the bottle. "You can have some if you want."

Connor put the bottle down. He really _didn't_ want. "I was just testing you."

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Not intentionally."

Jude nodded and took another drink. He cuddled even closer to Connor, who ran his hand through Jude's hair.

"You're an affectionate drunk," he observed.

"A little bit," Jude said.

"I … I think I'd like to be your boyfriend, Jude."

Jude sat up and Connor felt cold in the places he had just occupied. "You don't need to just because I want to. That's not what we are –"

"We aren't me controlling everything, either. It's supposed to be the both of us, right? I … I can do this for you." He took one of Jude's hands and tightly squeezed him. "Do you want to be my boyfriend, Jude?"

"Yeah, I do." Jude's expression transformed into one of the most beautiful smiles that Connor had ever seen. "We're boyfriends."

Connor nodded and his stomach fluttered strangely. He knew that he didn't hate it and he knew that it wasn't going to send him spiralling backward but he didn't know if he could say that he liked it. He knew that he could deal with it, though, especially once he saw Dr. Scott again. But, since Jude was looking at him like that, Connor knew that he had said the right thing and made the right decision. Jude was his boyfriend. The words didn't completely sit right, but they didn't feel _wrong_ either.

"I'm going to take you on a date," Connor decided. "You've been doing everything and I … I'm g-going to look around. And take you."

"I like the sound of that."

"And I'm going to kiss you," Connor said, "But I'm going to do that now."

"I like it when you're a little bossy."

"I don't want to be bossy."

"Just kiss me, baby."

"See, _that's_ bossy."

"Are you going to kiss me or not?"

And Jude was so beautiful and so sweet that Connor couldn't stand to banter anymore. He leant forward and so did Jude, and then Jude was kissing him. He fell into Jude's arms and he could have stayed there, with his soft kisses. Jude was so considerate, with one hand on Connor's back and the other on his ribs, Connor just felt completely comforted by his hold. Jude wasn't suffocating, even as a _boyfriend_ , though Connor knew that morning would have to come before what he had done tonight completely sunk in.

Jude softly ended the kiss and then touched his lips to Connor's forehead. Connor reached up and pressed his fingers to Jude's cheek.

"What do you think?" Jude asked. "Do you want to go back in or do you want me to sit with you out here while you call a cab?"

"I don't think I –" Connor cut himself off as the motel room door closest to them flew open. He recognized Taylor being angrily shoved through the door by Daria, who slammed the door behind her.

"What the fuck!?" Daria yelped.

Connor curled into a ball, bringing his knees to his chest. He didn't want yelling.

"I'm allowed to do what I want!"

"What's going on?" Jude asked, turning around to face the duo.

"What do you mean what's going on?" Daria demanded. "She's _drinking_."

"So are you," Jude said. "Wait … Why are you drinking?"

"Why not?" Daria said. "Why aren't you yelling at her too? She told me she told you about her baby!"

" _What!?_ "

Connor dropped his head against his knees. He'd never heard Jude be so loud. But Jude's focus wasn't on him. Jude jumped to his feet.

" _You're pregnant!?_ "

"What did she tell you?" Daria asked.

"That you were pregnant!" Jude said.

"Taylor! You told me Jude was helping you! You told me he told you _not_ to go for adoption!"

"Wait a minute! I _never_ said anything about this pregnancy," Jude cried. "Even when I thought it was yours! She told me that you were thinking that abortion was the best thing for her!"

"Which is what I'm doing!" Taylor shouted. "It's what I want! This thing is going to be gone in less than a week! I'm allowed to have a drink!"

"But it's still inside of you! And you have an obligation to not get it drunk!" Daria yelped.

" _No_!" Taylor yelled. "I am mine! It's like it doesn't exist!"

"Taylor –"

"Don't talk to me, Daria! I don't want anything to do with you!"

Connor squeezed his eyes shut as one set of footsteps ran away from him and another headed back into the motel. He didn't move, even as he heard Jude's heavy footsteps rush away from him.

"TAYLOR!" Jude yelled.

Connor didn't move. He didn't know if it was okay to move or safe to move. He knew that it was safer to stay still until he felt someone's presence crouch down next to him.

"Connor," Jude said. "Are you okay?"

"Uh-huh," he managed, though he still didn't move.

"Taylor decided that she didn't want to stay and that she wants to go back to my place. I'm going to go talk to Daria and then go with her. What do you want to do?"

"Oh. Um, I …"

"You can call a cab and then come with me, okay?"

"Taylor's upset."

"I know and I'm going to try and talk to her, but I think she might try to kill me. She doesn't seem to want to talk much right now," Jude said, sighing. "You're not going to be in the way if you come with me, if that's what you were trying to say."

"Oh. I … I'm scared to stay here w-without you."

"Okay. I'll get your clothes from the dresser. I shouldn't be more than ten minutes, okay?"

Connor managed a nod and then he sunk back into his fetal positon, not willing to move until Jude came back, only a few minutes later. Connor lifted his head to face his new _boyfriend_ and Jude helped him up off the deck. Jude held his hand tightly as they walked down the steps to meet Taylor, who had her arms angrily over her chest. She didn't acknowledge either of their presences; she just stalked down the street, leading the way to Jude's apartment. Connor didn't feel comfortable starting a conversation, and he knew that Jude wasn't in the mood to talk, and so he stayed silent for the uncomfortable journey.

Jude pressed his keys into Connor's hand as they walked down the stone path.

"Go in and make your phone call," he said. "Taylor and I are going to talk out here."

"Taylor has nothing to say!" she said angrily.

"Jude does!" he fired back.

Connor dropped Jude's hand and scampered ahead of Taylor, unlocking the door before either of his companions reached the deck. He didn't _like_ the feeling of being in Jude's apartment all by himself but he knew that he couldn't stand being out on the deck with Taylor and Jude. He didn't bother to turn on a light as he went. He sat on the couch and pulled up one of the two numbers he had found for cab companies in the area. He kept his eyes on the door's window, watching Jude's silhouette move about.

No one picked up when he called. He got nothing but a busy signal. With a twisting in his stomach, he tried the second number, only to be told that it would be three to four hours until they could get a cab to him. It was Halloween and they were busy, and although Connor understood, it didn't make it any easier to realize that his only two options were to stay at Jude's or to walk home and, as Jude had said, it was a dangerous night to walk home. Connor didn't want to push his luck. He pulled his knees up to his chest. When he and Jude had been talking about the possibility of him staying over, Jude had never mentioned Taylor's presence as a possibility and Connor had never considered it. He let his vampire cape fall to the floor and he wrapped Jude's plaid blanket protectively around himself.

Jude's front door opened and Jude flicked on the light. Connor blinked in the sudden brightness, as Taylor stormed across the apartment and into the bathroom. With a tired sigh, Jude sat on the couch next to Connor.

"What's the plan?" Jude asked.

"I … I … I think I'm going to have to walk home."

"Baby, no. Halloween on campus can get _mean_ and I …" Jude took a deep breath. "Of course, if you wanted to go, I'm not going to stop you. I'm just saying, it's really not the best idea tonight."

"I … think staying would be worse."

"Taylor and I can share my bed. The couch will be all yours."

"Fuck you!" Taylor shouted.

Jude hung his head. "Okay. Taylor will take the couch, you can take the bed, and I'll survive on the floor."

"I'll take the floor. I can't make you –"

"It'll be easier this way."

Connor saw no choice. "Then sleep with me."

"What?"

"Uh …" Connor mentally berated himself. "I meant … it's just a bed, right? It's not like … anything will happen. And … and, I-I-I d-d-don't want to, um, kick you out of … of your own b-bed."

He couldn't do this. He just couldn't do this.

"No, no, of course it won't."

"Um, I'm going to go call my dad," Connor said. "On … On the deck."

"Okay. Um, I'll leave some pyjamas in the bathroom for you to borrow, okay?"

"Jude, long sleeves, please?"

Jude frowned and his fingers brushed Connor's bicep. Connor wanted to tell him that his biceps weren't really the problem, but he didn't have the words.

"Sure. If that's what you want."

"Thank you."

The bathroom door opened. Connor fled to the deck and he took the plaid blanket with him, not thinking twice about it. Jude's small deck had a slightly worn barbeque in one corner, along with two plastic lawn chairs. Connor didn't sit in either of the chairs. Instead, he sat down on the worn boards, staring up at the dark sky as he called his father.

"Connor?" Adam sounded sleepy and Connor realized that he hadn't checked the time. "Are you okay? How's everything? How's the party? Are you in the cab?"

"I … I'm at Jude's. I … d-d-don't th-think … I mean, I'm … I'm not … g-getting a cab."

"Are you ready for a sleepover?"

He was _such_ a child. And Connor resented being treated like that. He was an adult. Just because he was an unsure adult and an adult who needed a lot of advice, didn't mean that he was a child. He could be trusted to make his own decisions.

"It just … happened. It would take so long to get a cab and I'm … here."

"On the couch, right?"

"Well … no."

" _Connor_."

"He has another friend here and she needs her space more than I do –"

"Take care of you."

"No, Dad, she _needs_ it. I can survive … one night."

"You need to call me the moment you get home in the morning."

"I know. I will."

"And call me if you need anything."

Connor agreed, but he didn't know what good it would do. Adam couldn't do anything; he was too far away. He said goodnight to his father and then he lingered on the porch for a minute, taking some slow and steady breaths. He knew that he wouldn't be able to completely calm the storm inside of him and he forced himself back into Jude's apartment.

He'd never felt the atmosphere so tense at Jude's. Jude's always seemed like a nice, welcoming place. But Taylor was laying down on the couch with the blanket pulled over her head and Connor could feel how angry she was from here. That was more than enough to make him linger in the threshold, unsure of how to proceed until Jude, who was standing in the kitchen, beckoned him forward. Connor tripped to Jude's side.

"I put some pyjamas in the bathroom for you, okay? Do you want anything else?"

Connor shook his head.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

Connor hesitantly nodded.

"If you get too uncomfortable during the night, just poke me awake. In an hour or two, I should be more than okay to drive you home. Promise me you'll do that if you need to?"

"Oh … Um. I'll try," Connor said, knowing that there was no way that he would be able to wake Jude up from a sleep. He _knew_ that it was something that he would never be comfortable with. He put his arms out and Jude hugged him. "Will Taylor be okay?"

"Yeah. Daria and I both … overreacted a little, I think. But she _lied_ to me and that hurt," Jude whispered in Connor's ear. "We'll work through it. We'll be okay to talk about tomorrow, I think."

Connor hid his face in Jude's shoulder. He was out of his costume and into a white t-shirt and black sweatpants and he was soft for Connor to cuddle against. Jude held him for a few minutes, running his hand gently up and down Connor's spine.

"I'm tired, baby," Jude murmured. "Do you want to get ready for bed?"

Not really. Connor wasn't ready to go to bed because he wasn't ready to face falling asleep next to someone. There would be two people in the room and Connor felt outnumbered. Anything could happen. But he kissed Jude on the jaw and then he went into Jude's bathroom. He turned his back on the mirror and faced the washer and dryer, picking up the long sleeve dark blue shirt Jude had given him. He left his undershirt on, just to give himself an extra layer. The shirt was tight against his upper arms, but Connor could deal with it. It was better than having no shirt at all. The grey sweatpants he'd been given were long on him and Connor felt bad about stepping on the cloth. He tucked his nose under the collar and breathed in the scent of Jude. It was a nice smell and when Connor inhaled again, a feeling of comfort overcame him. It wasn't enough to make him confident, but it was enough for him to feel like he might be able to get through it. He pulled the plaid blanket up over his shoulders and left the bathroom.

He turned off the bathroom light. Jude's room was dimly lit, the only light coming from the nightstand on his bed. Jude was seated on the edge of his mattress and Connor realized that he hadn't seen Jude's bed before. He'd always had the black curtains drawn up around it. Jude slept in a nest of blankets and pillows and they were strewn in a mess around the bed. Connor wondered if he ever made it up and he felt his fingers itched. He couldn't imagine not making his bed every day.

"What side are you going to be more comfortable on?" Jude asked, keeping his voice low.

Connor glanced at the couch, but Taylor was still hidden under her large blanket. He didn't answer until he was right in front of Jude. He didn't want to bother her at all.

"I like being against the wall," he admitted. "If … if that's not where you want to be."

"I'm comfy anywhere. Come on."

Connor heard the exhaustion in Jude's voice and he didn't say anything else. He carefully skirted around Jude to climb to the wall. He tried not to move anything as he laid down on one of the large, fluffy pillows and spread the plaid blanket over himself. He squeaked as Jude began to draw the curtains around the bed.

Jude looked back at him. "Not okay?"

"If … if it's h-h-how y-you sleep …"

"I'll leave a bottom section open," Jude said, maneuvering the curtain so that Connor could see a break in the cloth. "I just can't sleep if the curtain's not drawn up by my head. How's that?"

"B-better. Thank you."

"Okay. Goodnight, baby."

Jude flopped down on his side of the bed, his back turned to Connor. Connor laid stiffly on his back, staring upward at the low white ceiling about the two of them. It felt like he had been staring for both a few seconds and an eternity when Connor realized that Jude was already asleep. He closed his eyes, thinking that he should do his best and try to sleep too. He thought that, even if he couldn't sleep, he might be able to get himself to a state of relaxation, but then he heard Taylor get up off the couch. He went utterly stiff, terrified that she was going to come near the bed. He couldn't talk himself down, even as went to the bathroom and came back out, going straight to the couch.

Jude turned in his sleep and Connor's heart leapt into his throat. He held his breath and tried to push the tears out of his eyes. Jude was asleep. Jude wasn't thinking anything malicious. But Jude's foot brushed up against Connor's ankle and immediately he felt like he was going to vomit. He had to do something, but he had to do something that wouldn't bother Jude or Taylor. He couldn't leave the bed. He couldn't wake either of them up. He took a deep breath and then slowly sat up, checking after every movement that Jude was still fast asleep. Connor slowly began to move around several of Jude's two dozen pillows. He built a soft wall between Jude and himself. He knew that he had to give Jude most of the bed space, and he left himself only a little sliver. He had to lay on his side with his back to the wall to fit into it, but it made him feel more comfortable, oddly enough. He felt _protected_.

But he wasn't entirely comfortable. Jude moved a bit in his sleep and every time that he moved, Connor flinched back against the wall. He closed his eyes, but he found them popping open with every rustle of the sheets. He couldn't let himself drift off. Connor had felt safe with someone before, and that had come back to bite him; he had ended up not being safe with him at all. The night hours waned away, and Connor found himself trapped in the past.

Try as he might, that night, the nightmares came.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Un-thinkble (I'm Ready)**_ **by City And Colour. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	21. Stereo Hearts

_He was baking with his mother. He knew that it was a dream, but he was still happy here. Happier than he remembered being in a long time. He heard her voice again, as she explained how to mix icing for the cupcakes. He leant against the counter, just watching her. There were a million things that he wanted to say to her and ask her, but, somehow, he knew that he wasn't going to get an answer out of her, and so he just stared. She was happy and bright and –_

 _Connor woke up with a scream, hiding his face in his pillow. His heart was beating out of his chest as the painful feeling overrode him again and he started to sob._

 _"Shh, Connor, shh."_

 _His boyfriend was on top of him and it_ hurt _. It really_ hurt _. And Connor knew he should be used to it. He knew that his boyfriend always liked him to be ready but it killed him every time that he was woken up like this. He hated it. Because he wasn't ready. And it always hurt. And the surprise killed him more than anything else. Connor knew that 'no' wasn't an option for him – that had been made clear_ very _early on – but he hated that he didn't get to say 'yes' at all._

(-.-)

 _His hands were shaking and it made fear slip into his stomach. He knew he couldn't spill a drop of his boyfriend's dinner as he dished it up. He listened carefully as his boyfriend mixed himself a drink. He had worked late today and usually that made him_ very _cranky. Connor didn't like it when he was cranky. He put the plate of roast beef, potatoes, and carrots down in his boyfriend's usual seat at the table and then dished up his own dinner. His boyfriend hated to eat alone and Connor always waited until he came home from work so that they could eat together._

 _To Connor's surprise, he had been brought his own drink. It was nearly half the amount of his boyfriend's, but Connor didn't mind. He didn't really like the taste of alcohol, though he still said 'thank you' when it was put in front of him. His boyfriend kissed his temple and Connor smiled. He was in a sweet mood today. He loved it when he was in a sweet mood._

 _"Give me a real kiss."_

 _Connor turned his head, but his boyfriend held him on the waist and brought him to a standing position. His boyfriend was so tall and Connor had to rise up onto his tiptoes just to reach his lips. Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, even as he was grabbed roughly and held to the outline of his body._

 _"I love kissing you."_

 _"I love you," Connor answered and he was kissed again._

 _"I brought you home something."_

 _"Thank you."_

 _"I'll show you after we eat. Don't drink your rum too quickly."_

 _"I won't, I promise."_

 _They ate quietly, as they normally did. His boyfriend didn't like conversation when they were eating and Connor could respect that. He sipped consistently at his drink, though he was careful not to drink it too quickly. He still had a taste of it left when he cleared the plates from the table and set them in the sink._

 _"Don't do those just yet! Come back here!"_

 _Obediently, Connor returned to the table. There, sitting at his spot, was a small chocolate cake with two candles set in the middle._

 _"Seventeen tomorrow. I thought we should start celebrating early!"_

 _"Thank you," Connor said, feeling completely overwhelmed. He was so sweet and thoughtful._

 _"Come blow the candles out before they melt on the cake."_

 _Connor practically skipped over to the table and leant low._

 _"Make a wish!" his boyfriend advised._

 _"I don't need anything else," Connor said, and he blew out the candles with a smile on his face._

 _(-.-)_

Connor had to put the brakes on his flying mind as he started thinking about last December. He swore that his entire torso began to ache in response and he couldn't allow himself to think about it. He knew that if he did, he really wouldn't be able to handle being next to Jude. But judging by the lightening at the end of the bed where the crack in the curtains was, Connor wouldn't have to deal with it for much longer. He hoped that Jude wouldn't sleep too late. He kept feeling like he was going to drift off, but, as soon as his lashes touched, his eyes popped up again. He couldn't rest. He couldn't let himself. He had been on guard for every movement all night and that wasn't about to change, even though he was so exhausted that all he wanted to do was give in completely and sleep.

Connor laid there for another hour, it felt like, and then Jude began to stretch purposefully. Jude's hand reached out and encountered the pillow and he frowned. His eyes fluttered open and, for the first time, Connor noticed what long eyelashes Jude had. Jude rested his hand on the pillow and he squinted at Connor.

"You look exhausted."

"I am."

"Did you sleep at all?"

Connor shook his head.

"Okay. Let just grab my keys and I'll get you home, okay?"

"I … Y-you can w-wake up," Connor said. "I … I'll b-b-be okay since y-you're not sleeping."

"You should have woken me up," Jude said. "I feel so bad."

"I couldn't have," Connor said. "It's … I'm okay."

"You don't look okay." He tapped his fingers on the pillow. "What's this about?"

"I didn't want you to touch me," Connor admitted. "It … scared me. I ... I was thinking about him a lot."

"Oh, Connor, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean for you to end up here."

"I'll be okay."

Jude honestly looked so sad about it and, if Connor had been holding a grudge at all, Jude would have been forgiven. Connor turned into the pillows and he laid his hand over Jude's. Jude took a loose hold on his hand.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked.

Jude moved the curtain out of the way to peek into the main room and he let it fall back into place. "She's awake and I need to talk to her."

"Oh. Okay."

"Why don't you stay right here?" Jude said. "You can try and relax a little more, maybe take a nap."

"If it's just me … Will you shut the curtains all the way?" Connor asked.

"Of course, baby. Try and sleep."

Connor didn't move as Jude lightly squeezed his hand and then slipped out of bed. Jude adjusted the curtains and Connor was in total darkness. He slowly began to spread out, moving the limbs that had gone numb in his long hours of laying on them. He felt comfortable in Jude's bed, but he wasn't comfortable enough to fall asleep, especially as Jude and Taylor began to talk.

(-.-)

Jude shut the curtains around his bed and turned to face Taylor, who was busy pulling on a pair of jeans.

"I checked bus schedules. I'm catching the one in half an hour outside your work."

"Taylor, you don't have to leave right now. We can talk." He stood at the end of the couch and crossed his arms.

"I feel really pissed off. I don't want to talk to you right now." She didn't turn around to face him, even as she began shoving clothes in her bag. "Anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone."

"I'm pissed off too! You've been lying to me over a month! About something big! I would have been there for you! Why did you lie to me?" Jude took a step toward her, but she quickly flitted away.

Taylor sighed and turned to face him, her shoulders slumped in. "I wasn't even going to tell Daria but she … found out. And then I wanted to know what you thought. But I thought you might have a different perspective if it wasn't me. And then I thought that you would get all noble and tell me I should tell him before making any decisions or think things through more or … I just thought you'd care more if it were me. I don't care. I don't want you to care." Taylor sighed again. "I don't want a baby. I'm not ready. An abortion is the best thing for me. I know that."

"If that's what you choose, I support you. You always have my support. But I don't have your trust." Jude's voice broke and he wasn't even ashamed of it. It was killing him that Taylor felt like she had to hide from him. He had never thought about her keeping such big secrets from him, not through any part of their friendship.

Taylor fluffed a hand through her blonde hair. "Don't turn it into that, Jude."

"That's exactly what it is!"

"I'm going home now. I'll … talk to you later."

Jude caught her wrist as she walked to the door and she turned to face him, though she didn't look pleased about it.

"I'm here if you need me. No matter how angry I am."

"I know. But I need to go."

"Text me when you get home safe, okay?"

Taylor agreed, then she hugged him goodbye and swept out the door. Jude just felt emotionally drained and he collapsed down on the couch, kicking the blanket Taylor had slept under off the end of it. He hated fighting with Taylor and he hated that she didn't tell him something, especially when it was such a big deal. She'd been pregnant when he'd gone to see her in September. She'd been lying to him for such a long time.

Jude was startled when Connor sat down on the other end of the couch.

"Oh. Do you want me to take you home now?"

"Not if you need me."

Jude couldn't do that to him. "You're so tired …"

But Connor suddenly became decisive, as much as Connor could be. "I … I … I'm going to make us breakfast and coffee. We can watch a movie and not do much of anything."

"Thank you."

Connor stood up and held his hands out to Jude. "Cooking helps."

"I'll make the coffee," Jude said, putting his hands into Connor's.

"Okay. Your coffee maker is kind of intimidating." Connor smiled, and it made Jude feel better.

Connor kissed him on the cheek and it lifted Jude even further. Connor led him into the kitchen. Jude began to prepare his coffee maker and he had to ask, "Are you okay? I mean, how was last night?"

"I told you," Connor said quietly, "I did too much thinking. About my seventeenth birthday, actually."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know if you want to hear it."

"I want to hear it if you want to tell me," Jude said seriously, watching as Connor pulled a carton of eggs out of the fridge.

Connor closed the fridge doors and met his eyes. He looked away again and Jude really didn't think that Connor was going to answer him. But, when Connor was in the groove of cutting up some vegetables to add to the eggs, he began to speak. "The night before I turned seventeen, he was very sweet. He bought me a chocolate cake and he let me drink with him. He …"

"He what?"

Jude turned around to look at Connor again, but Connor barely acknowledged his presence.

"He was gentle when we had sex that night. He … made sure I liked it and that we did it how I liked," Connor whispered. "He … was specific in how he liked it and it wasn't often he … broke … from … what he liked. The times he acted like that were a big part of why I didn't even try to convince myself to leave. I really believed that someday he would wake up and realize that he wanted to love me like that every day. It … didn't happen."

Jude didn't know what to say. He felt bad for not having the words. "Do you take cream or milk in your coffee?"

Connor laughed, but it was quiet and shaky, as if he were trying to bring himself back to the present. "I … I like some sugar and a tiny bit of milk."

"Oh, good! I don't actually have coffee creamer."

Connor laughed again, but it was a bit more confident. When Jude had pressed a brightly patterned green and orange mug into his hands, Connor added, "Birthdays were a big deal to him. He always went all out for them. So, since that was the night before, I was so excited on my real birthday. He … When I turned sixteen, he made a reservation at this really fancy place and we went out and he was amazing. When I think _romance_ , I still think that night, which messes me up but … I'm still struggling to change it. So, on my seventeenth birthday, I thought that it was going to happen again. I was excited. But something happened at work that day to him and I don't remember what but it put him in _such_ a bad mood …"

Connor stopped and shook his head.

"Oh, baby." Jude wanted to hug him, but he was worried about how Connor would react to it.

Connor took a long drink of his coffee and then he practically whispered into the liquid, "It hurt. Everything. There were only a few other times that it was worse. He …" Connor stopped and he hesitantly reached out and took Jude's hand. "I'm sorry that you and Taylor fought."

Jude squeezed Connor's hand. "I think as friends we'll be okay. I'm just very worried about her as a person. I hope that, when Daria gets home, they're able to work it out and help each other."

"She's lucky to have you as a friend."

"Mmm." Connor turned back to breakfast and Jude jumped up on the counter to drink his coffee. "Do you want me to do anything? I feel bad if you do all the work."

"Oh." Connor seemed surprised at that, which shouldn't have shocked Jude as much as it did. Connor had basically already told him that he did most of the cooking when he was with his ex. "You can babysit the bacon." Connor put a pan on the stove and put the meat beside Jude. "I mean, if you want."

"I want, baby. I don't want you to do everything. And you're already so tired."

"And I want to be here with you … so long as you don't want to be alone. You're not making me stay. This is what I'm choosing. I know you'll take me home when I ask."

"Then I want you here."

Connor smiled at him. "Where's your whisk?"

Jude pointed him to a drawer and they cooked quietly together. It was relaxing, though Jude couldn't fully keep himself away from his phone. He knew that it would take several hours for Taylor to get back to the apartment she shared with Daria, but he was hoping that she would text him or call him before then. She said nothing, even as he and Connor ate breakfast, which Jude was sure to compliment Connor on. He was an excellent cook and Jude wanted to make sure that Connor knew it. Jude put the dishes away and held out his hands to Connor.

"Do you still want to watch a movie?"

Connor nodded.

"Can we cuddle?"

"Yeah," Connor said.

Jude sat on the couch and tried to pull Connor into him, but Connor resisted. Instead, Jude ended up with his back pressed to Connor's front, the both of them lying the same way on the couch.

"You could have just said you wanted me to be the little spoon."

Connor kissed the back of his neck. "I like you to be the little spoon."

He sounded exhausted, even as he slid one arm under Jude's head and put the other around his waist.

"Are you going to be okay like this? After the night you had?"

"Yeah," Connor said. "As long as you stay right there."

"I don't want to move," Jude assured him. "You should try to sleep."

"I won't be able to," Connor said. "Will you pick a happy movie?"

"Sure."

Jude picked up the remote and Connor cuddled him. He moved so that he had one hand pressed against Jude's heart, and Jude thought that it was one of the sweetest gestures he could have made. He picked a romantic comedy about two single mothers who discovered they had children from the same sperm donor who eventually fell for one another. He thought it would be cute, it was guaranteed to be a happy ending, and Jude knew one of the child actors from a TV show and thought that she was talented. He settled against Connor, trying to lose himself in the movie. Behind him, Connor would nod off for five or ten minute periods, only to jerk awake for the same amount of time, and the cycle would repeat.

"Thank you for staying," Jude whispered when Connor was awake. "I can't explain how much it means to me."

"It's what friends do, right?" Connor murmured in his ear. "Oh … boyfriends."

Jude waited to hear a sigh or a hitch of Connor's breathing as he said the word 'boyfriend' but there was nothing. He turned around in Connor's arms, hiding against his _boyfriend's_ chest. He had meant it. He really had meant it last night. They were boyfriends. Jude had a boyfriend again and he couldn't be happier with who it was. He couldn't be happier that Connor had asked him and that Connor was okay with calling them boyfriends.

"Jude?"

"It makes me happy you call us that."

"Taylor said you were a hopeless romantic."

"She … might not be wrong," Jude admitted, nuzzling the shirt he'd leant Connor.

"Hmm," Connor murmured.

Jude couldn't bring himself to turn around and watch the rest of the movie; he felt too comfortable in Connor's arms. Even when his boyfriend nodded off. Jude was happy to just hold him and bend his head to listen to the slow thumping of Connor's heart. Jude had slept well, but he felt like he could have fallen asleep again – that was how comfortable he felt. Connor jerked awake again, and Jude felt Connor's fingers flutter against his spine.

"Are you sleeping?" Connor whispered.

"No, I'm just comfy," Jude answered. "Why?"

"People aren't in control of themselves while they're sleeping," Connor said. "And they're scary enough when they're awake."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"I don't think you need to be," Connor said. "You don't know what you're doing. You're hardly cruel when you're awake."

"I just want you to be safe, baby."

"I feel that with you. You don't need to worry."

"You make me happy," Jude whispered.

"You make me happy too. You … You just really make me feel good things," Connor said. "I'm sorry I've been talking so much today. Do you want to talk about Taylor?"

"No. I need to keep that in for now. At least until I understand it."

"Okay. I just … just want to be here for you. The way that you are for me."

"I know you are." Jude rested his hand against Connor's chest and Connor let out a small whine. "Too far up?" Jude asked, already sliding his hand closer to Connor's ribs.

"Thank you."

Connor started to close his eyes again. Jude shifted his hand to Connor's waist, but the edge of his shirt had ridden up, and Jude found himself touching the soft skin of Connor's side. Connor's eyes bolted open at the touch.

"Baby, it's okay," Jude said quickly, smoothing Connor's shirt down. "I didn't realize."

Connor took a deep breath, but it didn't steady the hyperventilation that had begun and Connor was rigid and tense. Jude began to sit up, thinking that he would need to give Connor space, but Connor grabbed onto the side of his shirt.

"No … I … n-n-need … Don't go. Don't leave."

He was tired and hurting to the point where he was nearly incoherent as he clung to Jude. Jude knew he couldn't deny Connor, and Jude put himself back between Connor's arms where he'd been before. Connor clung tightly to him, and Jude made sure to hold him in a way that wouldn't bother him and in a way that Jude was only touching his shirt.

"I'm so sorry, Jude," Connor whispered. "I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't do this to you."

"I want you to get better for you, not for me. I like you, even as you are now. It's now about who I think you'll be able to be when you heal."

"How … how do y-you always know what to say?"

"I'm a psych major," Jude said lightly. "And I want you to feel happy. And I mean every word."

Connor was silent in his arms for a few minutes. "Why don't we do something Friday night?"

"I can't, I'm sorry."

"You work?"

"I'm going home. Not overnight. I work early on Saturday morning, so I'm just going for dinner and a couple of hours with Moms."

"Oh."

"You could always come," Jude offered. "Meet Moms, spend a couple hours with me …"

"You don't have to do that," Connor said. "I can't … can't interrupt your time with your family."

Jude noticed a tremor in Connor's arms and so he sat up just long enough to pull the plaid blanket over the two of them. Almost immediately, Connor relaxed a little under the covering.

"You talked about me meeting your dad. Moms aren't that scary. I know they would love you. I want them to know you." Jude kissed the tip of Connor's nose; it was the closest thing to him. "I want you to come and meet them, especially if _you_ want that."

"W-w-would your siblings b-b-be there?"

"No, I doubt it. Why? Scared of them?"

Connor didn't look at him as he said, "Siblings are trickier than parents, that's all."

Oh. Jude put his head on Connor's bicep and Connor moved his hand to Jude's hair softly playing with the strands. Jude ran his thumb over the area under Connor's ribs and he felt a ridge.

"Don't ask," Connor warned softly.

"Okay, I won't." Jude moved his hand a little further up. "Does it bother you when I ask questions?"

"Sometimes. Mostly because it bothers me when I have to say I don't want to tell you. I wait for you to demand an answer."

"You can tell me no."

"I … I mostly know," Connor murmured. "Was … W-was there … something you wanted to ask?"

"Why are siblings trickier than parents?"

"His little brother and I were the same age on the same baseball team. That's how we met. When we started dating, I … w-wasn't allowed near his brother."

"Mmm … You can meet Jesus and Brandon, but I don't know if you'll want to meet them more than once," Jude joked. "You and Mariana will get along, I know. Callie can be … weird, sometimes, when you first meet her, but it's impossible not to like her, either."

"What about your moms?"

"Moms are sweet. Moms will love you and you'll love them. I know that."

"But will you ask?" Connor asked. "If … If … If it's j-j-just your moms then I … I think I might … be okay to g-go. M-m-might _want_ to go."

"Okay. I'll ask. We can talk about it later."

Connor nodded and he closed his eyes. He had dark circles on his skin and Jude's heart tugged.

"Do you want to go home now?"

"No. Let's just watch another one, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed. "You sure you don't want to be the little spoon?"

"I … d-d-don't w-w-want you b-b-beh-h-hind me."

 _"Oh_."

Connor let out the tiniest of whimpers and Jude didn't know what to do.

"What kind of movie do you want to watch?"

Connor smiled limply. "Let's watch something funny."

"Okay. Something funny," Jude agreed.

He turned back around and, immediately, Connor drew him so close that their bodies made the same shape.

"Am I holding you too tightly?"

"No. I like this," Jude assured him. "Just like this."

He put his head further back on Connor's bicep and he picked the first comedian he saw that seemed to cover mostly fun and light-hearted topics. He put the remote down and Connor picked up his hand, pressing the back of his to Jude's chest. Jude felt the moment that Connor relaxed and it didn't take long before Connor fell asleep completely – far too exhausted to fight it anymore. Their hands slumped down against the couch cushions and Connor felt heavier in how he was leaning against Jude. Jude was careful not to move and startle Connor. Connor was asleep for nearly an hour, but then he bolted upright with no warning.

"Hey, hey," Jude said. "It's just Jude. You fell asleep."

"I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."

"It's not a big deal. You're tired."

But he knew from just looking at Connor that it didn't sit right with him and that it was a big deal.

"I wouldn't hurt you while you were sleeping."

Connor ran his hands over his arms and legs. "I'm still wearing your clothes."

"You look good in them. You look good all the time. I like the bedhead look on you."

Connor's face went red along his cheekbones, as if he were embarrassed by Jude's praise, but he looked a little happier. "I should put my clothes on."

"Does that mean you want to go?"

"No." Connor glanced at the phone on Jude's table. "Have you heard from Taylor?"

"Not yet."

"I can stay a little longer."

"Thank you. Do you want some more coffee?"

"Please."

Connor picked up the plastic bag that contained the clothes he'd been wearing last night and he went into the bathroom. Jude pushed himself off the couch and went into the kitchen, pouring fresh coffee into a new filter, and poking his coffee maker awake. He slumped against the counter and he stared toward the couch, where Taylor had slept last night. He couldn't believe that she'd lied to him. But was that really what he should be focusing on? Taylor had needed him and he hadn't been there … But she hadn't _let_ him be there. How angry could she be with him? Okay, so, perhaps he and Daria hadn't reacted right last night, but … Jude replayed the whole thing in his head and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel.

He texted Taylor, just saying 'hey', but she didn't answer him. Jude wasn't sure he expected her to. When he and Taylor fought, they usually needed a few days of space before they were able to talk about it. The coffee maker finished and so Jude prepared Connor's coffee. A small feeling of domestic happiness bubbled through Jude. He knew how his boyfriend took his coffee. He had just finished stirring it when Connor padded back into the kitchen.

"Coffee, as requested."

"Thank you."

Jude handed Connor the mug, but something caught his eye. "Hey, you have something on you. Under your collar, kind of below your collarbone."

Connor frowned and reached up one hand, batting at the area.

Jude shook his head. "No. It's still – _Oh_. No. Never mind," he whispered.

Connor's fingers brushed the spot again, but this time, Jude could see it for what it was: scar tissue. Connor usually wore t-shirts under his button-ups, but this time, he was in a white tank top, and the difference let Jude see the scar. Connor ran his fingers over it again.

"It's … It's f-f-from a … a …"

"You don't need to explain," Jude said. "Not if you don't want to."

Connor froze. "You don't want to know?"

"Of course." Jude shrugged. "But I don't want you to hate telling me. I can wait until you feel comfortable telling me … if you ever do."

Connor touched the scar again. "I have a lot of them. They don't all look like this one. Some do."

"It's okay," Jude murmured.

"No," Connor whispered. "It's not."

He placed his mug on the counter and buttoned up his shirt. He left the top two unbuttoned so that it wasn't tight around his neck, but so that the scar was hidden. He picked up his coffee mug, and Jude was quick to notice that Connor was avoiding looking at him.

"Is that why you wear long sleeves?" Jude asked, and Connor just nodded. "Did you … ever hurt yourself?"

To Jude's relief, Connor shook his head.

"He would have killed me if he saw self-harm scars. And then, when he was gone, it never crossed my mind to do it. I had so many other hurts." Connor traced one of the cold burners on the stove.

"What are you doing?"

"Losing my mind, I think," Connor replied, breathlessly. "Let's go back to the couch."

Connor sat on his end and sipped at his coffee, while Jude laid himself down in Connor's lap, his head on Connor's thigh.

"I'm happy you're able to do this," Jude said.

"You mean like … when I couldn't touch you?"

"Yeah. I just like being like this, baby."

"Me too."

Connor leant forward, nearly squishing Jude, and put his mug on the coffee table. He was just wondering if it would be okay to lay down behind Jude again, when his phone began to ring.

"Need me to move?" Jude asked.

Connor stared down at his father's contact photo. He grabbed Jude's hand tightly and Jude grew heavy against Connor's legs as he relaxed again.

"Hi, Dad," he said.

"Connor? Are you safe? Are you okay? I expected you to be home by now!"

"I'm still at Jude's. Everything is okay. I'm fine."

"How did last night go?" Adam demanded.

Connor tucked the phone in between his head and his shoulder so that he could hold onto Jude with one hand and play with Jude's hair with the other. "It was hard. I did a lot of thinking and not a lot of sleeping. It's not something I think I'll try again any time soon."

At his words, Jude kissed his leg.

"Are you going to be home soon?"

"I don't know. Last night was stressful, but right now it's not. I told you about …" Connor hesitated, looking down at Jude. As if Jude could feel his gaze, he turned his head and looked up.

"About what?" Adam asked.

"About what being with Jude is like," Connor whispered.

"Oh. He's there, right? That's why you don't want to talk."

"It's not like that. I'm not scared of him hearing anything."

"I remember when you met the first one," Adam reflected gruffly. "If you were on the phone, you'd stop talking to him the minute I'd walk into the room."

"I'm not scared," Connor insisted. "If you wanted to talk to Jude, I'd let you."

Jude's eyebrows raised.

"No," Adam grumbled. "I'm not going to talk to him. If you want me to meet him when I come to get you for Christmas, I will."

"Okay. This is different, Dad."

"I know."

Jude was smiling at him and Connor squeezed his hand.

"I'm okay, Dad. I'll let you know when I'm home."

"There was something else I wanted to talk to you about," Adam said quickly.

"Oh. What?"

"I want you to go and pick out a bike and put it on the credit card I gave you."

"Oh."

"A lot of kids on your campus have bikes, right? And it'll be better than needing to walk everywhere. So if you ever get stuck somewhere again, you'll have the bike."

"Oh," Connor repeated. "Thank you."

"Sooner rather than later, okay, Connor?"

"Yes, Dad."

"Text me the moment you're home."

"I will, I promise."

"Have a good day, Connor. Take care of yourself. I love you."

"You too," Connor answered. He hung up the phone and Jude was staring up at him. "Dad's buying me a bike."

"That's nice of him."

"I think I'll like it. I'll have a little more freedom to move around. I like that."

"I guess you won't have to kiss me to get to my car anymore," Jude said.

"I will to get to your kitchen, so don't worry," Connor joked, and Jude grinned.

"Does that mean you're going to kiss me?" he asked.

Connor could do that. Connor wanted to do that. He bent forward until he could just taste Jude's lips. It was an intoxicating taste and Connor could have kissed him forever. But he knew he couldn't. He knew that if he tried to kiss him longer, it would be too much. Someday, Connor hoped it wouldn't be. Someday, he wanted to kiss Jude like he never had to stop. He wanted to be in Jude's hold and he wanted to have his arms around Jude and just let himself fall for the most beautiful boy that he'd ever met. He wondered what it would be like, to be able to cradle Jude so close that he could not tell where Jude's body began and his own ended and he wondered how soft Jude's skin really was – and that's when he pulled himself away with a gasp.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked instantly.

Connor took a deep breath and pressed his forehead against Jude's. "I let my thoughts get away from me."

"Penny for them?"

"I was thinking about … going further than just one or two simple kisses," Connor admitted. "And I know I'm not comfortable with that. But someday I want to kiss you more, for longer."

"Well … I'd like that," Jude said. "When we're ready."

Connor gave a shallow nod. "Can I lay next to you?"

"Always."

Connor moved so that Jude was his little spoon again.

"Do you want to go bike shopping with me?"

"I'd love to, baby. How about Tuesday? I can pick you up from classes."

"Okay. That sounds good to me."

Jude snuggled even closer to Connor, and Connor was happy to tighten his grip around Jude's waist. He took Jude's hand in his on again and pressed the back of it to Jude's chest so that he could feel his heartbeat.

"Are you sure you're not ready to go home?"

"If you want me to go, just say so," Connor whispered.

"No, no, I don't! I just don't want you to feel like you have to say."

"I don't think I can much longer," Connor whispered. "Maybe one more movie."

"Okay, baby," Jude said. "Hey, do you think we're boring already?"

"Hmm?"

"We just cuddle and watch movies, like we've known each other forever. Do you think that's boring?"

"If this is boring, I like boring," Connor answered. "I like that we do this. Do you not like it?"

"I like you holding me," Jude said.

"I can do that," Connor replied. "I can really do that."

Connor kissed the back of Jude's neck and Jude picked out a Disney movie for them to watch. They were lazy on the couch together as the movie played. Every so often, Connor would kiss the back of Jude's neck or Jude would try and wiggle himself a bit closer, even though he was in no danger of falling off the edge of the couch. Connor was happy to have his arms full of Jude, but, every so often, he had to remind himself that Jude didn't mean anything sexually, and that wasn't what Jude was trying to do. Jude just liked to be close and Connor could have him there. But when the movie was done, Connor had to admit to exhaustion, and Jude drove him home.

"You'll call, right? Or text? If you need anything at all."

"I will. I know you'll be there," Jude promised.

"I hope Taylor's all right," Connor added.

"Me too," Jude said. "I'll see you in class tomorrow, right?"

"Right."

Connor leant across the console and they kissed briefly. Jude thought that it might have been shorter than their first kiss. He knew that Connor was exhausted and emotionally drained from today and from last night, but he was so glad that Connor had spent most of today with him. He could have made it through on his own, but he was so glad that he didn't have to. Connor had a little smile on his lips as he slipped from the car, and that meant a lot to Jude. Because his _boyfriend_ was happy and that made Jude a little lighter.

He turned and drove away from the nano dorms. His apartment seemed too quiet when he got back to it and Jude didn't like it. He stared at his couch. Though he and Connor had just spent hours on it, Taylor had been fast asleep on it too and it bothered him to think of her. He and Daria had probably _really_ hurt her last night and, though he hadn't meant to, that was no excuse. He finally settled on putting himself back in bed. He felt too tired. And, in bed, he was able to pull the pillow Connor had been asleep on close to him. At least three of his pillows smelt of his boyfriend and Jude just curled up there, drifting in between sleep and daydreams. His phone only vibrated once.

 **Taylor: I'm home. Don't answer. I just need to lock myself in my room and be by myself. I'll text you first next time. Bye.**

Jude's stomach had sunk at that. He _wanted_ to reply and tell her that it was okay and that he was here for her and that he was sorry. He knew it would only make it worse. Taylor was even more stubborn than he was and he had to wait until she needed him, not until he wanted her to. He almost texted Connor too, but he knew that his boyfriend needed his rest and his space. He forced himself to put his phone back on his nightstand and he rose from bed. Cooking seemed to help Connor, and Jude decided to take a stab at it. He found that he had all the ingredients for sugar cookies, and he suffered through making them. He decided, while they were in the oven, that he should have spent his time with a textbook or, even better, watching some more T.V. When they came out of the oven, he was just as convinced of it, though he decided that it wasn't a total waste of time. They were decent, especially after he put some icing on them. He decided that he would take some to Connor tomorrow, and he hoped that Connor liked them. He knew if Connor had been in charge, they would have tasted a lot better, but Jude was proud of himself, and he hoped that Connor would be proud of him too.

He spent the rest of his evening with his health psych textbook. He knew that he had to concentrate on it, since it was his hardest course of the semester. The professor was even more severe than Kroger, since Dr. Vanier had no chance of having first years in his course and he could afford to have astronomically high expectations of his students. All in all, Jude was happy when it hit midnight and he was able to go to sleep. Halloween had its ups – like becoming Connor's boyfriend – and its downs – like hurting Taylor – and Jude was just glad that it was the beginning of a new week.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Stereo Hearts**_ **by Gym Class Heroes ft. Adam Levine (Reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	22. If You Need Someone

Jude had fallen asleep on one of the pillows that smelt of Connor, and it was enough to send him into a happy, dreamless sleep. He was nearly angry to be woken by his alarm, come morning. He'd been enjoying being asleep! But he dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, slowing moving through his morning routine. He had everything timed perfectly, from drinking his coffee to putting on clean clothes, so that he had ten minutes to sit on his bed and go through the e-mails and messages that had collected overnight.

The most disappointing thing was a Facebook message from his head manager at work. Lydia, a woman who was a fairly recent hire, had quit and so Jude was asked to fill one of her now-empty Tuesday shifts. He sighed. He and Connor were supposed to go bike shopping on Tuesday, but he'd have no time with this shift. He hoped Connor wouldn't be angry at him asking him to move some of their plans to another day instead – Jude knew that he should pick up this shift, since he knew that he needed the money. Extra money was never a bad thing, since he had so many places for his paycheck to go – from his rent, to Gerald, to tuition, to groceries, to all of the things that he wanted to do with Connor.

Jude checked the time. He'd find out soon enough. He grabbed his bag and his keys and headed out the front door. He drove to campus, taking care on the roads, since this time of the day was generally crowded in terms of students trying to reach campus. He parked in his usual parking lot, close to Kroger's lecture, and bounced from his car. He was roughly seven minutes away from seeing Connor and that fact kept him moving quickly toward their lecture hall.

"Good morning," Connor said as Jude sat down.

"Morning," Jude answered. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good. For longer than I should have," Connor admitted. "Did you hear from Taylor?"

"Yeah, but she just told me she got home safely and didn't want to talk." Jude sighed. "I have to give her space."

"It'll be okay," Connor said, and then he frowned at himself. "That sounds really dumb."

"It does," Jude agreed, "but it makes me feel better to hear you say it anyway."

He was able to coax a smile from Connor with that and that made Jude feel better too. At the front of the lecture hall, Kroger turned on their mic and then cleared their throat loudly.

"How are you all doing this Monday morning?" they asked. "Ready to get started?"

A few students groaned, but Connor adjusted himself in his chair, eager for the lecture to begin. Jude just watched him; Connor was too cute for words sometimes. Jude took half-hearted notes, but he was more interested in watching Connor concentrate. What did Odysseus matter? Jude watched Connor cross out something and draw an arrow in the margin of his page, and he wondered what Moms would say if they ever met him.

 _Moms!_ Jude thought, immediately reaching for his phone. Connor might come to supper on Friday, if it were only going to be the four of them.

 **Jude: is anyone else going to be over on Friday?**

 **Lena: Just the three of us, I think! Did you want me to call anyone for an invite?**

 **Jude: no!**

 **Jude: Connor's thinking about coming but he's too intimidated if it's more than the four of us**

Lena sent him every excited emoji that she had in her repertoire and then she sent him several strings of the emoji with the zippered lips.

 **Jude: he might not be able to. Don't get your hopes up too high.**

 **Lena: I won't! I promise!**

Jude highly doubted that.

 **Lena: I'll warn Mom not to invite the other kids**

 **Jude: Thanks!**

 **Lena: Hey! Aren't you in class right now?**

 **Jude: Uh … no. Gotta go now!**

 **Lena: Pay attention! Love you!**

 **Jude: Love you too!**

He returned his attention to the lecture, trying to pick up on the points Kroger was making, though he had started to get a little confused. He and Connor hadn't done the readings for this week yet and Dylan, in his Greek mythology phase, had never gotten to _The Odyssey_ and Jude was lost. He tried to peek over at Connor's notebook, and Connor shook his head.

"I'm not sharing my notes because you were texting," Connor said.

"But I'm cute!"

Connor made a face, but he also stopped trying to hide his notes. Jude quickly skimmed Connor's page of neat handwriting and then he decided that he'd just take a better look at it the next time they studied together, which, he realized, would have to be tonight, if he worked tomorrow and had their midterm on Wednesday. After Kroger dismissed the class, that was how Jude started his conversation with Connor.

Connor looked hesitant.

"What is it, baby?"

"We've just been sp-sp-spending a l-lot of t-time t-together," Connor murmured.

"I don't want you to feel suffocated," Jude said.

Connor nodded and he took a place on one of the benches. Jude dropped down next to him.

"But," Jude said, "I know we had planned to do that stuff. And with the midterm on Wednesday, I'd really like it if we could get the studying in. We can go bike shopping whenever you want."

"Umm … Well, my dad was hoping I'd look at bikes sooner rather than later. He … doesn't want Halloween to happen again," Connor murmured.

"It's up to you," Jude said. "Really. I'm okay with whatever."

Connor had brought his salad container out, but he left it sitting unopened on the bench as he brought his knees up to his chest. He took several deep breaths, puffing out his cheeks on the exhale.

"Just tell me what you think," Jude added.

"Would you be upset if we didn't study for the midterm together?"

"Nope. But can I take a picture of your notes from today?"

Connor unravelled himself so that he could pull his notebook out of his bag and flip to the appropriate page, while Jude took out his phone to take pictures.

"Who were you texting?" Connor wondered. "If I can ask."

"Always. I was texting my mom about Friday."

"Oh."

"It'll just be me and my moms, no siblings. If you want to come."

Connor looked indecisive.

"You don't have to decide now."

He nodded, looking numb.

"Don't worry too much, baby," Jude said. "Just talk to me and we can sort it out."

Connor nodded again. "I … I … I j-j-j-just d-d-don't w-w-want to spend _all_ my time wi-wi-with you. I r-r-rreally l-like you and I know I don't do much else but I do other things and I spent so long not feeling like I was by myself for even a single moment that I like being by myself sometimes," he squeaked in a rush. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad. I understand. I feel the same way. I just don't want to disappoint you by saying we're going to do something and then we don't end up doing it."

Connor finally took the lid off his salad, mulling over Jude's words. "I understand."

"So, what's the plan?"

"J-j-j-just a little bike shopping trip? Please?"

"Yeah. We can go right after class and you can spend the rest of the night doing whatever you want."

Connor had a small smile at that. "I'm glad you understand me, Jude."

"I do my best," Jude said. "You make me so happy that it's the least I can do."

Connor glanced at him. "Taylor was right, wasn't she?"

"About?"

"You being a romantic."

Jude held up his hand, pinching two of his fingers together. "Only a little bit," he laughed. "She usually says it's the only part of me I still keep in the closet."

Connor smiled, but it was forced. "I see."

"You never told me how things are going with your Entrepreneur group now," Jude said. "After everything that happened."

Connor shrugged. "Alicia apparently dropped the class. Um, Brandy came up with our product. We're, uh, making pr-pride shirts b-b-but we're putting the colours into country flags. So, you can get a rainbow American flag or a Canadian flag with the bi colours and … and stuff like that."

"That sounds amazing."

Connor nodded. "We're j-just making up a b-business plan. Um, Jake is doing the statistics so, um, if a c-country has, like, more bisexual people than asexual people, we'd make more bisexual t-shirts for them because there are more bisexual people to buy them. But, where we're selling on campus, we also have to take into account how many international students there are versus American students and then take that into account so that we don't have a bunch of shirts that don't sell."

"Logically!" Jude said. "Do you actually have to make the shirts or is it just hypothetical?"

"We make them. We have to start doing that … next week if we don't want to be behind. Caitlyn is already setting up a website, which makes it a little easier to market and sell."

"You'll have to get me the URL, babe. I want one."

Connor's eyebrows raised. "Really?"

"Really. They sound awesome and I want to support you."

Connor's cheeks went red as he ducked his head in an effort to hide his smile. "Okay. Thank you."

"Always. Gummy worm?"

Connor stared at the bag Jude was offering. "You haven't been to work in days."

"I always take care of my candy stash," Jude said, slightly offended. "Gummy worm?"

"Thanks," Connor said, pulling one out of the package.

"Welcome, baby."

Jude relaxed against the bench, popping his own gummy worm in his mouth. The faint sun warmed his face, and he smiled. It was, all in all, going to be a good day.

"Oh!"

"Oh, what?" Connor asked.

"I made cookies last night," Jude said, reaching for the container in his back pack.

"Gummy worms _and_ cookies?"

"You to go the gym, you can afford to treat yourself."

Connor smiled. "I thought you only made sandwiches."

"This was an impulse effort that may never happen again. Tell me what you think."

Connor pulled one of the thin cookies out of the dish and slowly sampled it. Jude watched his face anxiously.

"Tell me what you really think," Jude warned.

"They're good. I think you overdid it on the sugar, though."

"They're sugar cookies!" Jude exclaimed.

"They're good, Jude. Even if you can't follow a recipe properly."

Jude rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "I do own measuring cups and spoons, you know."

"Doesn't mean you used them," Connor quipped.

"I did!"

Connor glanced at him, but he reached for another cookie. Jude smiled as Connor nibbled on the cookie. He nudged Connor's wrist with his fingers, and Connor took his hand. A feeling of completeness came over Jude. It was definitely a good day.

(-.-)

Connor nearly glared at his phone as it started vibrating on his desk. He had just gotten home from bike shopping with Jude and he had been looking forward to just shutting off everything and studying for CLST. Bike shopping had gone well – he had found a nice bike that would get him from place to place – and being with Jude was always nice. Jude himself wasn't draining, but it had been a rough couple of days. After getting back to his apartment yesterday, Connor had spent most of his time either dozing or fighting off his memories. He hadn't felt like he had really rested since he'd decided to go to the Halloween party.

Now, his father was calling him.

Connor knew he couldn't ignore it and he forced himself to focus on the fact that his conversations with Adam were never very long. He and his father just didn't have that much to say to one another.

"Hi, Dad."

"I see you charged the card. Are you going to send me photos of the bike?"

"I have it all locked up in the bike locker in the basement," Connor said. "I … I'll send y-y-you pictures when I use it."

"Do you like it?"

"Yes. It's j-j-just a s-simple one. It's a g-g-good one. The … The girl working s-s-said she has the same one. Mine is green."

"Did you buy yourself a helmet?" Adam asked. "And a bike lock. You got a bike lock, right?"

"Yes, Dad, I did."

"Good. Make sure you take good care of it."

"I will."

"You sound tired," Adam said.

"I feel a little drained," Connor said. "I've just been spending a lot of time with people and I j-j-just need to … be by myself."

"You know you can tell me that right away? This conversation could have been shorter."

"It's okay, Dad. I want to talk to you."

"I'm going to say goodbye now, though. Rest yourself. Do what you like. Good luck on your midterm coming up."

"Thanks."

"Goodnight, Connor. I love you."

"You too," Connor replied. "Goodnight."

He hung up his phone and put it on the counter behind him. Then, he pulled out everything he had for CLST and breathed a sigh of relief.

He could finally relax.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **If You Need Someone**_ **by The Field Mice. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	23. Return To Innocence

Tuesday morning, Jude woke up to his cell phone vibrating. He groaned into his pillow. His shift today wasn't until four, and so he'd been planning on a nice, late, sleep. The fact that it was already eleven in the morning meant nothing to him. He could have lazed around for several hours yet. But he dragged his phone toward his face and jabbed his thumb at where he knew the answer button was.

"'Lo?"

"My abortion was today," Taylor whispered into the phone.

"Are you done now?"

"Yeah. They need to watch me for a few. Daria's waiting for me."

Jude sat up, needing to focus his sleepy head. "Are you okay? How do you feel?"

"Not sure. But I didn't feel pregnant either when I was." Taylor sighed. "Maybe it'll sink in soon."

"Are you going to be okay when it does?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to call and tell you. I just wanted to talk to someone that wasn't Daria."

"What do you mean?"

"She's mad I was drinking. She hasn't let go of it yet." Taylor sighed again. "I don't want to be sad, Jude."

"I'm sorry you are," Jude said. "Is there anything that I can do?"

"No. I'm going to go now. Thanks for answering."

"Always."

"Bye, Jude."

"Call if you need anything."

"Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow," she whispered, and then she hung up on him.

Jude let his phone fall to his mattress as he collapsed backward. He wasn't used to hearing Taylor sound so awkward and unsure and he really hated it. Even when Taylor was doing the wrong thing, she always seemed so confident in herself. He wanted to help her, but he was almost certain that he'd make it worse if he tried to do anything. He stared up at the white ceiling above him, pondering, and then it hit him.

He bounced out of bed and rushed through his morning routine, and then he drove off to one of the main streets that was covered in shops rather than houses. He left Gerald next to a meter and headed through the shops. He picked out chocolates and a giant lollipop from a sweets shop and then he found a pink and purple penguin with whose eyes, feet, and beak were all glittery. He wanted to find things that would bring comfort to Taylor, which he thought he had, but now he wanted to find something that would make her laugh. He found a mug and tea infuser set: the mug said 'live slow, die whenever' in green, cursive writing, and the tea infuser was a sloth. The small shop he was in also had their own kinds of loose tea. He picked out the three with the funniest names: Wiggly Toes; Pink Elephant; and Scrumpdiddlyumptious. He also found a small poster of Deadpool, which he thought that she might like better than a sappy, thinking of you card. He carted his small haul off to the post office, where he was gifted a box and a label.

He had to look up Taylor's address on his phone, but he wrote it down and then he paid for next day delivery. He hoped that just receiving the package would start to put a smile on her face before she even started to open it. He could do this for her and, importantly, she would let him do this for her. Taylor was independent. Being coddled wasn't something that she liked. This, though, Jude knew that she would appreciate.

He sent it off and then returned to Gerald. He took himself back to his apartment, hoping that she'd like it.

(-.-)

Jude finished his midterm forty minutes into their allotted hour. He took a seat outside of the classroom in order to wait for Connor. More and more students started to filter out, but there was no sign of Connor. Jude kept checking his phone, waiting to see if Taylor would text him. He was alone and bored until the time for the exam was completely over, because, only then, did Connor walk out of the classroom.

"How'd you find it?" he asked, falling into step with his boyfriend.

Connor shrugged. "Exams always make me worry."

"Is it a cookie day?" Jude asked.

Connor hesitated, but then he nodded. "Okay. Let's do that."

"What did you do yesterday?"

"I went to class. I talked to no one but Dad. I took my bike for a ride around campus. It was nice. I feel better."

"I'm glad." Jude nudged Connor's shoulder with his own as they walked and reached for his hand. As soon as his fingers brushed the side of Connor's hand, Connor had skittered away from him, just out of arm's reach. Jude watched him take a few deep breaths and then slowly return to Jude's side. "Are you okay?"

Connor nodded. "Sometimes I just forget I'm supposed to be okay now."

"You're not supposed to be anything," Jude said. Connor's fingers gently scratched at his hand and Jude held his hand. "And you don't have to."

"But I like you and I want to," Connor murmured. "I … I'll figure it out."

"You won't be alone," Jude said.

"What about you?" Connor asked. "What did you do on Tuesday?"

Jude told him about Taylor as they walked to the cookie place. Connor was even quieter about the whole thing than Jude had been and he seemed awkward as Jude talked. Still, he said that he hoped Taylor was all right and that everything went okay.

"Me too," Jude said.

They bought their cookies and Connor sat down at the same table they'd had the last time they were here.

"The box of things sounds sweet," Connor decided.

"I hope so." Jude shrugged. "I won't know until I hear from her. But, uh, let's talk about something else, okay?"

"Sure," Connor said. "Um. About Friday?"

"Did you make a decision?"

"A little. Meeting your parents is a big deal, Jude."

"Do you think we're moving too fast?"

Connor leant back in the cushy seat and broke a section off his cookie. "Um. Maybe. Um, but, not in a bad way? I like how we're going. I like knowing if I said I didn't like it you'd listen. I'm scared but not because it's _scary_ , does that make sense?"

Jude nodded, thinking that he did get it. With Connor's past, it would be silly to think that he would be absolutely fine in a new relationship, right off the bat.

"I'm curious about your parents," Connor admitted. "And I like that you want me to meet them."

"I really do."

"I think that if my Thursday is like my Tuesday, than I'd like to go. You know, just nice and quiet and some breathing room. Because Friday will be a long day too, right?"

"A little bit of one," Jude confirmed. "So, on Friday, you'll tell me in class if you want to go?"

"If that's not too late."

"Not at all, baby."

Connor smiled. Jude leant back in his chair and started picking at his lunch, and then he felt a small tapping at the side of his foot. The tapping continued, until Jude definitely felt Connor's foot sneaking around his ankle. He looked up at met Connor's bright eyes.

"I j-j-j-just wanted to touch you," he whispered, and then he looked down at their food. "Our hands are busy."

"You're cute, baby."

"Oh, I-I-I," Connor stuttered. "You're the cute one."

He whispered so softly that Jude nearly didn't hear him. But when he finally processed what Connor said, he felt a warm feeling come over him.

Connor looked up suddenly. "On Halloween … Taylor rambled at me."

"I know," Jude said. "The romantic thing."

"Well, also she brought up Dylan," Connor said. "And I didn't know if it would bother you or not. And I thought it would be good to tell you now, because both of us were … feeling … not okay … before …" Connor gasped. "Was I wrong? I'm so sorry, I should have told you right away that she brought him up. I'm sorry!"

"Baby, baby, baby," Jude said, "It's not a big deal. I understand. Did she say anything bad about Dylan?"

Connor took a deep breath. "She … said I was cuter."

Jude laughed. "Well, it's not a lie. Dylan really wasn't that attractive. I mean, he looks sweet but he's very … average. His facial features were a little too small for his face," Jude said, still chuckling in remembrance. "That's not why I liked him though."

"It's why you like me," Connor whispered.

"No, it's why I noticed you," Jude corrected. "I like you for a lot of other reasons."

"She said you didn't really love him and that she thinks you should have sex," Connor said in a rush.

Jude cocked his head to the side. "Didn't really love him?"

Connor pulled his hand away. "You sound angry."

"Not angry. Not at you." Jude took a deep breath. "I'm offended."

"It was … It was … Said you didn't l-l-love hi-him l-l-like r-real love."

Jude paused. "Oh … No, still offended. Just because he wasn't the last person I'll love or the person I'll fall deepest in love with doesn't mean I didn't _really_ love him. I did. I love him, a lot. He was my boyfriend for years and my friend for years."

"I didn't mean to u-u-u-upset you," Connor sniffed.

"You didn't," Jude crooned. "Not at all. I know how Taylor thinks. I think I know why she said it. I just want to make sure that you know how I think of him. He mattered to me."

"You always gave that impression," Connor said. "He seems like a good person."

"Maybe you'll meet him someday," Jude said.

Connor looked hesitant and unsure of the words. "What about the other part? Do you think you should have sex?"

Jude could have sighed, but he knew how much sex worried Connor. Even disregarding the age difference that automatically made sex with his ex-boyfriend non-consensual, Connor had said small things that made Jude think his new boyfriend had been raped. Jude wasn't going to overlook Connor's trauma; he couldn't let himself. "Sex is something that I want, eventually, with the right person. I don't want to have sex just to have sex. Doing that with someone means something _more_ to me. Taylor thinks I'm weird for it; she likes casual sex. I don't know. That doesn't sound like something I want. I don't want to have sex right now. I don't think I _should_ have sex. It's a someday thing."

Connor nodded, although he was looking past Jude, not at him.

"Are you okay, baby?" Jude reached his hands across the table.

Connor stared at his hands and then he lifted his trembling arms and clutched at Jude. "Can I ask one more question?"

"You can ask me as many questions as you want. I want you to know me."

"Well, it's just … Um, I mean … Does it bother you that I have had sex?"

"No!" Jude exclaimed. "No, never. This is how I feel. I know it's not how other people feel."

Connor visibly relaxed.

Jude wanted to say more about it. He wanted to tell Connor about he wished that Connor had a better experience than his first boyfriend, but then other things that Connor had said came back to Jude. About how his ex had been gentle, spoilt him on his birthdays, and did things that Connor called the epitome of romance. As much as Jude hated this person he'd never met, he knew that there was still something in Connor that thought of the good from their relationship. He bit down on his lip. He wasn't going to say anything about Connor's ex-boyfriend.

"If I promise to stop after this one, can I ask one more question?"

"You know you can ask as many as you want."

Connor went red and stared at the table top. "Just because you say it doesn't mean that I know it. It'll … take me time to learn. But I can, Jude, I can!"

"I know, it's okay. I want you to feel safe with me. Comfortable too."

"I do. You wouldn't understand how much I do," Connor said earnestly.

"What's your question, baby?"

"H-h-have you ever done anything?" Connor asked. "Are you … c-c-c-completely a virgin?"

"Well, I've kissed a boy," Jude teased, and that coaxed a small smile from Connor. "Uhm. No, not a total virgin. I think I'm okay with hand jobs; Dylan was definitely okay at them. Um, I've given three blow jobs in my entire life and gotten three blow jobs. That's it."

"Oh." Connor put his head down on his arms. "I don't want to talk about sex."

"We don't have to talk about sex. There's a million other things that we could talk about instead. It's not important right now. If it's ever important to us."

"You're sweet, Jude."

"You're very easy to be sweet too." Jude kissed the knuckles on both Connor's hands. "I think it's time for me to talk you to class."

Connor nodded and they slowly packed up and left the cookie place. Connor took his hand on the walk.

"So, you just want a quiet Thursday?" Jude asked.

"Yeah," Connor said, and he squeezed Jude's hand. "If you needed me then you could call b-but I'd just like to be by myself tomorrow."

"Which is perfectly okay." They stopped in front of Connor's building. "I hope it's a good day. I'll see you on Friday."

"See you."

Connor pulled him into a hug and Jude held him tightly. He felt Connor shift in his arms and Jude loosened his grip; he was worried that he'd been squeezing Connor too tightly. But then Connor gently kissed him.

"I could cuddle with you forever," Jude murmured. "You're very comfy. You make me happy."

"Whether or not I go to meet your parents, I'd like to see you this weekend."

"Sunday works best for me," Jude said. "What do you think?"

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Sunday." He went to take a step backward as Jude went to kiss him again. "We have class."

"One more."

"You'll be late if you kiss me again."

Jude grinned. "I'd rather be late."

He thought Connor would deny him, as Connor started shaking his head, but then Connor kissed him quickly. Jude pulled Connor back into his arms for a bit of a longer kiss.

"Okay, go to class," Connor whispered. "I don't want to be late."

"See you Friday, baby."

"See you."

Jude didn't turn to go to class right away. Instead, he watched Connor walk into class, a smile on his face. He didn't know why he had met Connor, but he was so glad that he was lucky enough to. When Connor was out of sight, Jude finally turned around and walked off to class.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Return to Innocence**_ **by Enigma. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	24. One More Day

Connor woke before his alarm on Friday morning and he stared up at his ceiling. He pulled his comforter tightly up around his chin and took a deep breath. There was sunlight streaming through the thin slits of his blinds and he could imagine the blue sky that was waiting for him outside. He turned his head to the side and saw the little cactus that he'd bought with Jude and a good feeling flooded through him. Yesterday had been the nice, quiet day that he had hoped it would be. Today, he felt good. He was going to meet Jude's parents today.

That thought made him nervous. He had met his ex-boyfriend's parents before he'd been with the other man, back when he was just a friend of his little brother's. He hadn't been allowed back around them until shortly before his eighteenth birthday and he had never been allowed around when his ex's brother had been home, which hadn't mattered for long, since the boy had died of alcohol poisoning on his graduation night. His ex's mother was a quiet woman and, though Connor had never seen evidence to support it, he thought that his ex and his father were a lot alike. He didn't know what Stef and Lena would be like, but he wanted them to be sweet people and he wanted them to like him. From the way Jude spoke of them sometimes, they seemed to nearly be saints, but that didn't mean that they would like him. They might not think that he was good enough for Jude – and though Connor knew that to be true, he didn't want it confirmed; Jude certainly didn't seem to believe that Connor wasn't good enough for him.

Connor rolled over and picked up his cell phone, calling his father.

"Hey, Connor. How are you?"

"I'm feeling conflicted."

"About what?" Adam said patiently.

"Jude wants me to go to dinner at his parents' house tonight."

"Oh. I see." Adam cleared his throat. "You didn't tell me that before."

"N-n-no." Connor curled himself under the comforter. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Connor," Adam said. "Did you talk about this with Dr. Scott?"

"She s-s-said it was fine to go. Th-that I would b-be fine."

"Then why don't you think it's fine?"

Connor curled up under the blanket. Adam no longer sounded patient. "I … just worried. It's dumb. I'm sorry."

"I just don't think that things are as big of a deal as you think they are sometimes," Adam said. "I'm trying to understand. But if you are in a good place and Jude's as good of a person as you say, then there shouldn't be any problem. It's that simple."

"You're right," Connor said. "I … Okay."

"Tell me when you're home for the night and we'll talk again," Adam said. "I'm busy right now."

"Oh. Sorry, Dad. Have a good day."

"You too. I love you."

"You too."

Connor hung up, feeling slightly deflated. His alarm began to blare and Connor forced himself to sit up. He could feel parts of himself begin to close off. He didn't like the feelings of rejection that came from his conversation. He shouldn't expose his thoughts and feelings to people like that. He should keep things curled up inside of him like before. He should go back to his neutral self. Being happy or sad or all of the things that existed in between was work.

He pushed himself out of bed, moving through his morning routine of showering, shaving, and dressing. He quickly packed his bag and then he was out the door, walking to class. He made into his seat before Jude showed up, which wasn't unusual, and Jude was there just a few minutes later.

"Morning, baby," Jude said. He had a large coffee cup in his hand and took a long drink of it.

"You sound tired."

"A little," Jude admitted. "I napped after work yesterday and so I didn't sleep at all last night."

"I'm sorry."

"We're going to get more coffee after class," Jude declared, and then he rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "Can I just sleep during class?"

"You won't get to take notes.""

"Kroger puts the lectures online, right?"

"Yeah."

"And I'll buy you cookies and bribe you into giving me your notes."

"That might not work."

"Or fries. Or … bread. Or whatever it'll take to bribe you."

"Bread?" Connor asked, laughing.

"I'm tired," Jude whined, but he sounded so cute when he did it that Connor just smiled to himself. "I'm very sleepy."

Jude was warm and heavy against his side, but he wasn't suffocating. Connor glanced around, but no one was paying attention to he and Jude – they all had bigger things to care about than two boys in the back of the lecture hall. He leant his head on top of Jude's briefly. "You could have stayed home."

"And miss the best class ever?!" Jude said, upbeat for a moment. "No. I didn't want to stay home."

"Are you going to be too tired to drive later?"

"Nope. I'll be perfectly fine by driving time."

"Are you sure?" Connor asked.

"Yeah. There's like an hour and a half between when class is over and when I have to leave, so I'll probably go home and take a real nap. Not that you and the lecture seats aren't comfy."

"Good morning!" Kroger yelled.

Connor glanced down toward Jude, but he only saw the top of his head. Connor just shook his head and tilted his notebook toward him, feeling bad that his arm was jiggling Jude's head as he wrote. Jude didn't seem to mind. Every so often, he would make a little comment about the lecture, but he seemed to be more asleep than awake. Connor felt trusted as Jude slumped against him, muttering something about _The Odyssey_. The moment Kroger dismissed them, Connor said, "I'd like to go with you tonight. If … if you still w-want me too."

"Yeah!" Jude sat up, his cheeks rounding with a grin. "I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to push. But I really wanted you to come with."

"I'm curious. I want to go."

"I hope you like them."

"Do you think they'll like me?" Connor asked anxiously.

"They're going to love you," Jude said. "No question."

He yawned and Connor started packing up. "We can talk when you're awake."

"You've got high hopes for one cup of coffee."

"I'll buy you two," Connor offered.

He stood and offered Jude his hand. Jude let Connor pull him from the short lecture seat, though he didn't need the help. Connor kept a hold of him as they walked across campus. Jude steered him to the closest café, where a long line of students had already started to gather. Jude ran his hands across his face.

"Did you not sleep at all?"

"I woke up at midnight after going to sleep at two. It was a weird yesterday." He tried to lean his head on Connor's shoulder, but then he straightened up indignantly. "You're too short."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Connor said, and then he frowned at himself. Jude and he didn't talk to each other that way. He turned so that he could see Jude's face. "That … That's not my fault."

"I know." Jude kissed his temple. "You're the tallest guy I've ever dated, you know."

Connor shook his head.

"You are. And I like you the way you are." Jude squeezed his hand.

Connor could have heaved a sigh. Jude saw through him too easily, especially when his insecurities started niggling at him. He tried to push them away by telling himself that Jude liked him because of who he was and not because of who Jude thought he could turn Connor into. Connor looked at the menu boards ahead of him, trying to focus on something else. "Do you know what a London Fog is?"

"It's an Earl Grey tea and vanilla latte, I think," Jude said. "I like them."

"Do you know what you want?"

"I'm thinking about a mocha."

They were at the front of the line and Connor walked up and ordered for the two of them. Jude squeezed his hand.

"Thank you, baby. You didn't have to do that."

"I know," Connor said, shuffling to the side where they picked up their drinks. "But is it okay if I wanted to?"

Jude smiled at him brilliantly. "That's my line."

"That's my favourite thing about you, Jude. For everything we have to do together, I just plain _want_ to do most of it. There's not a lot of things I feel I have to do."

Jude wrapped his arms around Connor. "I like hearing that."

"You're a little clingy today."

"Really cuddly and reallytired go hand in hand sometimes," Jude murmured.

Connor picked up their drinks and followed Jude over to a small metal table. The chairs in the café were uncomfortable and Connor shifted. Jude was inhaling his mocha happily.

"Real food might help," Connor said.

Jude put his coffee cup down and reached inside of his bag. He pulled out a homemade sandwich and put it on the table in front of him. He raised his eyebrows at Connor and then he went back to his mocha. Connor shook his head and picked up his latte, trying it. It was a foamy drink, seemingly overly so, but he liked it. The flavours were sweet and addicting. He almost didn't want to put it down in order to open up the salad that he'd made for himself last night.

"What did you do yesterday?" Jude asked, slumping one elbow on the table and then leaning heavily on it.

"Nothing," Connor answered. "Well, no. I studied. I took my bike around campus again and then I went to the drug store and got new shampoo. Really exciting stuff, I know."

Jude was just staring at him, a goofy look on his face. Connor felt self-conscious at the expression in Jude's eyes.

"What?" Connor asked.

"I just … I really like you, that's all." Jude slumped across the table even further. "I just really, really like you."

"Don't like me too much," Connor warned. "I'm not all there."

"You're more than enough," Jude said. "I mean, I like you enough to take you home to my parents and it's only the beginning of November."

Connor shrugged and picked up his fork. "Don't like me too much … And not too quickly. That won't work out."

"Uh, I don't think I like you _too_ much," Jude mused. "Maybe too quickly. But, you know, baby, I don't think I like you in a bad way. I mean, like, possessive or crazy or –"

"Like what I'm used to," Connor interrupted.

"I-I-I," Jude stuttered, and it was so strange to Connor that it was Jude doing so. Usually it was he who didn't know how to talk or get his words out properly. "I didn't mean to make it sound like that."

"It is what it is." Connor sighed.

Jude took a drink of his mocha, then he leant toward Connor, looking far too serious for Connor's liking. He bit down heavily on his bottom lip and he drew his hands into his lap, clenching them tightly together.

"I want to ask something, but I need you to know that you don't have to answer, baby. I know it might be a bad question."

"Okay," Connor whispered.

"What happened to him? Why did you two break-up?"

Connor drew in a sharp breath. _December, too late, hands reaching for him, waking up with –_ "We broke up. He's in jail. That's all."

"I'm sorry I asked."

"Me too." Connor hung his head and stared at the metal table. He'd never be free. Someday, Jude might know the whole story. Jude might stop talking to him when he knew the entire story; he didn't know. Connor hated knowing the whole story. He hated reliving his pain and he hated the thought that Jude might pity him when he knew all that had happened.

Connor let himself fall completely down against the table.

"I'm so sorry," Jude said.

"He's gone," Connor murmured against the table. "Gone."

It had killed him when he had first realized that his boyfriend was now, officially, an ex-boyfriend. It had taken him too long to come to grips with the fact that he'd never see the man again. Connor had completely forgotten how to be without him and that thought was so terrifying that they'd had to put him on a sedative to avoid injuring himself further. The memory rattled around in his brain, but Connor couldn't say any of that to Jude. It was all something that Jude didn't need to know. Especially right now.

He forced himself to sit up and look at Jude. He couldn't let himself get swept away like that. He had to stay grounded. He reached out one hand and held Jude's. Jude was solid and warm. Jude was in the here and now, and Connor had to be in the here and now with him. Jude was his boyfriend, who treated him with respect and listened to how he felt about _everything_ , and Connor cared about him. Jude was staring at him with genuine affection and concern in his expression, and it could have torn Connor apart. He didn't deserve Jude or the way that Jude felt about him.

"I won't ask about him again," Jude said. "I'll just listen if you ever want to tell me."

"Okay," Connor whispered. "Thank you."

Jude squeezed his hand, put a packet of sour belts on the table, and smiled. Connor could feel tears pricking at his eyes.

"I want you to be happy," Jude said. "I was actually saving the sour belts for if you drove down to Moms, so you'd have them then."

"You …" Connor breathed; he was definitely going to cry. "You spoil me."

"Oh, hardly, baby," Jude said. "It's candy."

Connor let go of Jude to pick up the cool plastic, crinkling it between his hands. He hadn't been thinking that Jude spoilt him with _things_. Jude was generous with his feelings. He cared about people like he would never run out of love to give. He was considerate and free with his thoughts. He made Connor feel like he mattered; he bought him a bag of candy that he knew Connor liked, even though Connor hadn't asked for it, and he hadn't expected to get anything in return or have Connor bargain for it. Oftentimes, when his ex came home with something, particularly if it was something that he knew Connor either loved or desired, he would use it against Connor. When he was kind and did something like buy the expensive baking chocolate Connor liked, Connor would fall to his knees on the cold kitchen tile. Jude didn't think that. Connor wondered if Jude had even thought about the two of them doing that physically.

"Do you still want to come to Moms' tonight?" Jude asked. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry I did."

"I know. I … I'll be okay. I'd still like to meet your parents."

"I hope you like them," Jude said. "Okay, let's walk to class."

They walked and talked nothing but logistics of the evening. Connor decided that he would bike over to Jude's around six and then they would start driving. His stomach fluttered at the thought of actually reaching Jude's house and shaking hands with his parents, but he pushed it away. He had gone over to Jude's apartment, alone and without forethought, and that had to have been a lot harder than this. He had known Jude a lot less then and had been a lot less confident in how well Jude would treat him.

Jude kissed him gently on the cheek, and Connor didn't reach for another hug or kiss like he had before. His ex was still on his mind and, as much as he didn't want him to be and as much as he wanted to be able to think about just Jude, he couldn't. He wasn't healed enough yet. His ex wasn't far enough in the past yet. He slunk into his statistics class, curling in on himself. He focused on the equations in front of him, though he didn't really need to. When he'd been at home, taking online courses, he'd taken statistics then. It was just that his credit didn't transfer over. But Connor remembered most of it, and this was one of the sections that he might have been less diligent about, if it had been a different day. As it was, he copied down every number and letter and line that appeared in front of him.

He was still happy when he classes wrapped up for the day. His small room was comforting. He locked the doors, checked the windows and the bathroom, and then he let out a sigh as he sunk onto his small bed. He reached under his bed to where he kept his textbooks and picked up his anthology for CLST. It included a lot of myths and different stories, and their class didn't cover all of it. Connor settled his comforter around his shoulders and settled against his pillows, flipping around until he found the beginning of the myth about Icarus, and he settled in to read.

He read until ten minutes before he had to go and bike over to Jude's. He picked up his back pack again and he put a fresh shirt in it to put on at Jude's. The bike to Jude's wasn't that strenuous, but it was warm out, and he didn't want to smell like sweat when he met Jude's mothers. He was shaking as he put his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his phone and keys. He double checked that he'd locked his door behind him and then headed into the basement, unlocking his bike. He wrestled it up the stairs, rather than taking the elevator.

Connor paused outside of his building. It was his last chance to text Jude and tell him that he'd changed his mind. But he wasn't going to do that. He pulled on his helmet and got on his bike, peddling toward Jude. It didn't take him nearly as long as the walk did, and he found that he liked the freedom of coming and going. He like driving around with Jude but, even more, he liked knowing that he had another option. Connor walked his bike down the path to Jude's front door and knocked, realizing that he'd never done that before.

Jude opened the door, smiling at him. Jude always seemed to be smiling at him and Connor was starting to believe that he could completely trust his smile.

"Right on time," Jude said. "Bring the bike in. We'll lock it in here, okay?"

Connor nodded and steered the bike inside.

"Ready to go?" Jude asked.

"Oh. May I use the washroom first?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "Anything you want for the drive?"

Connor shook his head. "I put the sour belts in my back pack."

He carried his bag into the bathroom with him and he slipped off the button-up and the t-shirt that he'd been wearing all day. As he usually did, Connor turned his back on the mirror, but that didn't mean that he could avoid the scars. He tried not to stare at his torso, but sometimes, he would find himself absently running his fingers over his scars, losing himself in memories that he didn't have. He cleared his mind and pulled a fresh white t-shirt on and then he pulled his button-up on, his gaze catching on his forearm. Those memories, he had, and it made him hurt every time. He shoved his arm through his sleeve and carefully buttoned the sleeves shut. He didn't want anyone to see.

Connor left the bathroom and walked over to Jude, who was sitting on the arm of his couch, texting. "I'm just telling Moms we're about to leave."

"Okay."

Connor's arm was shaking as he reached out and put it around Jude's shoulders. His ex wouldn't have liked it. His ex didn't like to be held; he preferred to be the one doing the holding. Jude didn't seem to care. Jude just cuddled into his side, putting both arms around Connor's waist.

"Ready?"

"I think so."

"They're not scary," Jude said "I promise."

"I think I believe you."

Jude squeezed him once and then he was on his feet. Connor took his hand and he didn't let go of it, even as Jude locked his front door and they walked up to the car together. Jude opened Connor's door for him.

"A little chivalry never hurt anyone," Jude said.

"Thank you."

Jude closed the door and Connor kept an eye on him as he walked around and got in the driver's seat. He started Gerald, but before he could be the car in reverse, Connor whispered his name.

"What?" Jude asked, turning toward him.

Connor leant forward over the console and Jude met his lips. Connor closed his eyes, his heart fluttering over the brief kiss. "Nothing."

"That's not nothing," Jude said, sitting back and starting to drive. "Do you know how happy I am, baby?"

Connor didn't see how anyone could be anything less than stressed and frustrated around him. "I want you to be happy."

"I _am_ happy," Jude said. "I'm happy with you."

Connor didn't know what to say to that. He pulled at a loose thread on the bottom of his shirt.

"Are you happy?" Jude asked.

Connor looked out the window. Things were beginning to become unfamiliar and his skin crawled a little. He didn't know where he was going. Jude could be taking him anywhere.

"Connor?"

"I like being with you better than being without you," Connor replied. "Happy we're friends. Happy we're … more. I-I-I like you and being around you makes me happy. But sometimes I can't escape how sad … past things makes me. I'm sorry."

"That's not something you have to be sorry for. No one's happy all the time. I just wanted to make sure that you liked being with me and that it made you happy."

"Did you think it didn't?" Connor couldn't fathom how Jude could think that being around him wasn't a _good_ thing. Connor had been looking forward to seeing Jude since the first time they had lunch. He remembered walking around campus on the following Thursday, wondering if coincidence would help him run into Jude, although now he knew that Jude didn't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Jude meant a lot to him and being around Jude made him feel wonderful.

"I just know you have a past and I know that it's prevalent sometimes." Jude shrugged. "I just know that, even though it might not be _about_ me sometimes, that you can get sad."

"No one's happy all the time," Connor repeated, and Jude smirked. "But I'm happier than not when I'm with you."

Jude took one hand off the wheel and he offered it to Connor. Connor threaded their fingers together. Jude gave Connor his phone to plug into the radio and Connor crept through his music, feeling a bit like an intruder. He found a song that he recognized and he picked it, letting the sweet slow strands fill the car.

 _"Last night I had a crazy dream,_

" _A wish was granted just for me,_

" _It could be for anything,_

" _I didn't ask for money,_

" _Or a mansion in Malibu,_

" _I simply wished for one more day with you."_

"This was my mom's favourite song," he revealed to Jude.

"It's beautiful."

Connor paused, drinking in the chorus before he spoke again.

 _"One more day, one more time,_

" _One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied,_

" _But then again, I know what it would do,_

" _Leave me wishing still for one more day with you,_

" _One more day."_

"She'd play it whenever we went anywhere, even just to the grocery store," Connor said. He wished he'd asked her what drew her to such a sad song while he had the chance. Now, he'd never know. "I … C-can I tell you something?"

"Always, baby."

"I never played it for him. Not like this. I mean, he heard it, because I played it a lot, but I never told him about Mom." He was crying and, though he roughly tried to brush the tears away, they wouldn't stop falling. "I-I-I don't know what that means."

"Hopefully it means that you trust me," Jude said.

"I do."

 _"Leave me wishing still, for one more day,_

" _Leave me wishing still, for one more day."_

Jude kissed the back of his hand, and Connor cried about that too. He wished that Jude weren't driving so that Jude could hold him. He broke down again when that realization hit him. He wanted to be touched. He wanted to have physical comfort from Jude.

"Oh, baby, it's okay," Jude murmured.

"I'm happy I know you," Connor whimpered.

"I'm happy I know you too," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's hand again. "Why don't you play me another of your favourite songs?"

"W-w-what about your favourites?"

"We can play mine on the way back. That fair?"

"Yes," Connor agreed. He went through the songs again and he found a happy song that he liked. It wasn't a favourite, necessarily, and he felt like he was betraying Jude by not doing as he'd asked, really, but he wanted to listen to it, and he felt like Jude would understand.

He and Jude didn't let go of one another the entire drive. Connor focused more on picking music than looking out the window and seeing how unknown the world outside was. That would only scare him more. His heart started skipping beats when Jude squeezed his hand and said, "This is my street."

Connor looked up. It was a nice, quiet residential street. The two-story house whose driveway that Jude pulled into didn't stand out from the rest around it. Connor bit his lip and stared at the porch, and then he turned off his phone and tucked it in his backpack. He wanted to pay attention to this place and these people. This was where Jude had grown up since just before he turned thirteen years old. This might be the most important place that Jude ever took him to and, inside, were two of the most important people that Jude could ever introduce him to.

"They don't bite, I promise."

Connor cracked a shaky smile. "I believe you."

"Ready?"

Connor took a deep breath. _No, no, no._ This was too much too fast. He barely knew Jude. He had no idea what he was doing. They were going to hate him. They were going to know, right off the bat, that he wasn't good enough for Jude. They would want someone whole for their son, someone who wasn't broken, someone who wasn't going to hurt him just because of how screwed up they were. He looked over at Jude, at his open, happy face with those brown eyes that Connor could stare into for hours. He doubted that Jude would be with someone that his family disproved of, but he also knew that Jude liked him. From what he knew of Jude's family, he hoped that it would be enough for them that Jude cared. Maybe they would care about him too. Connor was surprised by how much he _wanted_ to be liked by Jude's mothers and how much their acceptance meant to him; it meant nearly as much as his father accepting Jude meant.

"I'm ready."

Jude beamed at him, and then they turned away from each other to get out of the car. Connor lingered by Gerald's door until Jude walked around to meet him. Jude put his hand around Connor's waist as they walked, and Connor was grateful for it. In this strange place of unknowns, he wanted to be as anchored to Jude as possible. They walked up the front porch steps and Connor felt like he could have died as Jude opened the front door.

But he walked inside anyway.

Jude kicked off his shoes and yelled loudly for his mothers, while Connor carefully took his shoes off and put them next to Jude's.

"Kitchen!" came the answering reply.

Connor was going to throw up as Jude took his hand and pulled him through the house. He was trembling when they walked into the kitchen. Connor tried to focus on the little details of it – how it was a nice sized kitchen, but the island made it look small, and how the tiles were nice and clean – but he couldn't distract himself for long from the two women ahead of him. He knew that there were pictures of them in Jude's apartment, but Connor had never studied them and had never really been close to them.

The woman who had been seated at the island stood up. She was beautiful, with big curly hair and brown skin. Her eyes were dark; they were uncomfortably close to the colour of Connor's ex's eyes. But there was such warmth and such light in her eyes that it was easy to look beyond it. She held out a slender hand to Connor. "Hi, I'm Lena."

Connor had to let go of Jude in order to reach for her hand. Jude didn't want to let go of Connor, though, and Connor was grateful as he slipped to the other side to pick up his left hand. He squeezed Jude tightly to avoid shaking as he took Lena's hand. She looked like a mother. Over her shoulder, a blonde woman had appeared. She was more muscled than Lena, with hair that almost touched her shoulders.

"And I'm Stef," she added. "It's nice to meet you."

Connor had to take her hand too. "You too. Oh, I'm Connor," he tacked on quickly, realizing that he hadn't said it.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Stef offered. "Supper will be done in about ten minutes."

"We hope you like pork chops," Lena added.

Connor looked uncertainly at Jude, who smiled at him, and took over. "Do we have iced tea? Here, Connor, I'll get you a glass."

He pulled out a seat at the island a little, and Connor sat in it, glad that it was the one on the end. Lena went back to her spot at the other end of the island, while Stef returned to the stove, checking on the pots. Jude buzzed around, and Connor was left with Lena's warm gaze. Connor felt like he had to say something to her.

"I-I like pork chops," he settled on, even though he was feeling like an idiot for saying it.

"Good. Jude said you were a great cook."

"I like cooking," Connor said. He glanced at Jude and then looked down at the island, feeling a blush touch his cheekbones. "He seems to like eating it."

"Ignore his modesty. He's the best cook I know."

"Then you can make your own dinner," Stef said.

"I love you, Mom," Jude said.

Stef shook her head at him. Jude put a glass down in front of Connor, and Connor wrapped both hands around it, grateful for even the slightest distraction. He didn't like to be the centre of attention.

"I'd make it fancy and add lemon, but Moms don't have one," Jude said.

"Did you even look in the fridge?" Lena asked.

Jude shrugged. "Why would you have a lemon?"

"There's one in the produce drawer," Stef said.

Jude rolled his eyes. "Would you like a lemon slice, Connor?"

"You don't have to go through the trouble," Connor replied.

"I would _love_ iced tea with lemon," Lena said.

"See, I'm doing it anyway."

"Okay, that would be nice. Thank you."

Jude brushed his fingers along the outside of Connor's thigh reassuringly as he stood up again. Connor was left with no barrier between himself and Lena. She started asking him simple questions, about where he lived and what he was in school for, did he like the university, how were his classes? Connor answered simply, reminding himself to breathe. He was happy when Jude sat back down, adding a wedge of lemon to Connor's glass as he did so. He took up space between Connor and Lena, and though Connor didn't believe, whatsoever, that Lena would hurt him, he was glad to have the familiarity of Jude between them.

Stef mostly did a lot of listening, letting her wife take the reins in questioning Connor. Connor was grateful that they both weren't asking him questions at the same time. He would get overwhelmed with that far too quickly and the last thing that he wanted to do was have a breakdown at Jude's parents' house, particularly where it was his first time meeting them. On the heels of that, came an uncomfortable suspicion. He wondered how much Jude had told them about him; he wondered how much Stef and Lena knew about his past. If Jude had talked to Taylor, then Connor couldn't imagine that Jude hadn't talked to Stef and Lena about him.

"Who's hungry?" Stef asked. "Why don't you come here, Connor, and portion your vegetables out?"

"Oh, I d-d –" He'd been about to protested that he didn't need to be served first, really, but Jude squeezed his hand and nodded for him to go ahead. "Thank you."

He made sure to take no more than his share, and he lingered awkwardly off to the side as everyone else was served. Stef and Jude were shaking their heads at one another, as Stef had accused him of getting taller, _again_ , and Jude had decided that she was just starting to shrink.

"Dining room is just over here, Connor," Lena said. "Let's head in together."

Connor looked over at Jude, but Jude was busying himself with a spoonful of peas and Connor was left with no choice but to trail after Lena and to a bigger dining room table. She waved him to a particular seat, saying that Jude usually sat in the one next to him. She sat across from him and Connor was glad for that. He thought that he felt a little more comfortable around Lena, if only because she'd done most of the talking already.

"Nervous about meeting us?" she asked.

"A little," Connor admitted. There was no point in lying about it.

"What do you think of us now?"

"I'm still nervous," he confessed.

"It's easy to see why Jude likes you," Lena said.

Connor didn't understand why Jude liked him and what Lena was seeing. But he looked down and whispered a thank you anyway. He was still relieved when Stef and Jude came in and sat down.

"Oh, good news," Stef said. "Jesus is definitely _not_ getting evicted."

"And he decided to buy the new car, so we're glad that he doesn't have to pay for moving expenses on top of that," Lena added.

"He has to find someone else to live with though," Stef continued. "The roommate isn't renewing his lease."

"That's good," Jude said.

"Do you have siblings, Connor?" Stef asked.

"No. It's just me and my father," Connor said.

"Siblings are great if you don't care about personal space," Jude said.

"As the baby, I think you got personal space more than anyone," Lena mused. "Just because they all moved out first."

Jude coughed and it sounded suspiciously like 'Brandon'. Stef and Lena either didn't hear him as clearly as Connor had or they had elected to overlook what he'd said.

"Brandon and the woman I told you about are going out tonight," Stef said.

"Uh, the mom of one of his students, right?" Jude asked, then, as an aside to Connor, "Brandon teaches piano."

Connor nodded. He remembered Jude telling him that Brandon played piano; he didn't remember if Jude had ever said that Brandon taught.

"Hopefully it goes well," Lena said.

"A seven-year-old boy would be a nice start on grandchildren," Stef added.

Jude was rolling his eyes. "You're too young to be grandparents."

"And, really, the kids are too young to be parents," Stef decided. "We can wait on the grandchildren."

Lena was nodding in agreement.

Connor focused on his food as Lena gave Jude an update on Mariana's thesis. He didn't mind being left out of the conversation. Talking was exhausting, and he didn't feel like he was being cut out. Jude, every so often, would explain something to him that he hadn't previously. But Jude talked a lot about his family and Connor felt like he understood most of what was being said. Finally, Stef asked him how he liked his food.

"It's really good," Connor said earnestly. "Thank you for having me for dinner. I don't mean to interrupt your family time."

"You're not interrupting anything," Stef assured him. "We're happy to have you."

"I'm happy to meet you, too," Connor replied. "Jude talks about you a lot."

"Good things?" Lena asked.

"Mostly," Jude said slyly, while Connor nodded beside him.

"He loves you a lot," Connor murmured, and then he stopped, wondering if he had a place to speak about Jude's feelings, as obvious as these ones were to him.

"We love him too," Lena said.

Under the table, Jude rubbed his sock foot against the side of Connor's. Connor jumped at the first contact, but then he relaxed as Jude poked his toe against his ankle.

"Are you finished?" Jude asked him.

"Yes, thank you."

"I'm going to give Connor a little tour," Jude told his parents, standing up.

Connor quickly scrambled to his feet too. He gathered his plates up in his hands, as Jude did.

"We'll be back in a few," Jude said, and they left the dining room.

"Upstairs rules!" Lena called after him.

"I'm an adult!" Jude shouted back.

"Rules!" Stef echoed, and Jude just laughed.

"Rules?" Connor asked as they put their dishes in the sink.

"No significant others upstairs," Jude said.

"Oh."

"But we're not going to get up to anything. Come on."

Connor followed Jude, still feeling a little uneasy about climbing the stairs. He could hear the soft sounds of Stef and Lena chatting at the kitchen table, though Connor couldn't make out their words. He wondered if they were talking about him. He wondered what they thought of him.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

Jude paused at the top of the stairs, and Connor glanced around. There were two half open doors: one to a bedroom and the other to a bathroom. There were three other closed doors. On the wall behind Jude's head, was a painting of him in a graduation cap. It was a really good painting; Connor was sure if he'd just glanced at it and didn't know that his ex was a painter, he might have dismissed it as a photograph.

"You can always ask."

"What did you tell your parents about me? Before I came here, I mean."

"More than I told Taylor," Jude admitted. "More … more than you'd probably have wanted me to."

"Oh!" Connor looked down the stairs. He hadn't expected Jude to admit it. He'd expected Jude to deny that he'd told them anything. Now, he didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, Connor."

"They're your parents," Connor said. "I'd be more upset if you'd told Taylor. Your parents … deserve to understand the kind of person you're with."

"I don't tell them details and I don't tell them everything; just broad strokes. I won't say another word if you don't want me to."

"No details," Connor breathed. "I want you to have someone to talk to. And it makes me feel better that it's your parents and not your siblings or your friends. Does that make sense?"

"It does," Jude agreed. "So, that's Callie's and Mariana's old room, and Moms haven't done a lot with it yet. This is Brandon's old room, and it's an office with a bed in it now, though I think they're getting rid of the bed soon." Jude opened the doors as he spoke, giving Connor brief flashes of the rooms. "And this is the room that Jesus and I shared."

Jude opened the door all the way and Connor followed him inside. From what he'd seen of the children's rooms, this was the one that looked the most lived-in still. There were still high school books and binders folded nicely on the desk; the beds were neatly made; and a few posters and photographs still adorned the walls. There was one picture that caught Connor's eye and it was hanging next to Jude's bed. He crept a little closer. Jude looked about eighteen and he was dressed nicely in a tux, his arms around a curly-haired, tanned boy who was dressed just as formally.

"Prom, senior year," Jude said from behind him. "That's Dylan."

Connor stared at the boy who'd come before him; the boy that Jude had loved. Jude had been right when he'd said Dylan wasn't the most attractive boy ever. His facial features were all very small and very close together, but he looked like a sweet person – as far as Connor could tell from the photo. He was also much shorter than Connor had expected; he knew that he was taller than Dylan, but Dylan couldn't have been more than five foot six, though Connor suspected that he was an inch shorter than that, even.

"He looks nice," Connor said. He didn't want to not say something.

"He was. He wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, though. I mean, book smart, yeah. He did better than me in classes, but he didn't have a lot of common sense. Personally, I think it has something to do with his years of accidentally drinking his paint water."

Jude laughed and Connor wondered what it was like to have someone like that. Dylan was more past than present, he knew. Jude hadn't mentioned them having a conversation in the months Connor had known Jude, but Jude still spoke of him with affection, though Dylan was out of his life. Connor wondered if Jude would speak of him fondly, when the time came for them to part. Or if Jude would shake his head and speak in exhausted tones of a boy too broken to love, who had drained him of everything he had.

"It was more funny than annoying, though. His lack of common sense," Jude clarified.

"Oh." Connor looked away from the photo. He didn't know Dylan and some strange part of him became unsettled at the thought of knowing him. "My ex was brilliant. And I don't … don't mean that in that's how he wanted me to think way. He was. He was a lawyer. Graduated top of his class. Lived the dream of getting a good job right out of school with a top firm. He …" Connor sighed. "There's something ironic in him being a criminal defense attorney. Maybe someday I'll laugh about it."

"Oh, baby," Jude murmured.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to do that. I … bring everything down."

"No, you don't," Jude argued softly. "I'm glad you trust me enough to talk about those things and I know that it's not necessarily good to hide from things like that."

Connor didn't want to talk about his ex anymore. He was too prevalent in Connor's new relationship, in Connor's life as a whole, for Connor's liking. "What do you think your moms think of me?"

"They like you," Jude said confidently.

"You're sure?"

"Absolutely." Jude grinned. "I wouldn't lie to you."

Connor wrinkled his nose but, he had to admit, "No, I don't think you would."

Jude held out his hand and Connor took it, letting Jude pull him closer. He rested his head against Jude's shoulder, relaxing into Jude's hug. "I like them too."

"Good. I don't know what I'd do if you didn't get along."

Connor tensed. "I haven't met your siblings yet."

"You can when you're ready," Jude said. "I'm not hiding you from anyone. And I want you to like everyone and I want everyone to like you. But Moms' opinions and Callie's opinion come first with me."

"Callie," Connor repeated. She was the one that Connor had decided he was dreading meeting. He knew that she had taken care of Jude throughout their early years; he knew how much he revered his elder sister. He also knew, from the way Jude talked about her, that she could be difficult. He wondered if she would see him as a threat to Jude's life. He didn't want her to hate him.

"She'll like you too."

Connor wasn't sure if Jude could know that. Jude kissed his forehead and Connor pushed the worry from his mind for now. He wasn't meeting Callie tonight.

"Are you glad you brought me?"

"Yes. I like showing you off, baby. Even if it is just to my moms." Jude squeezed him tightly. "I'm proud we're together, Connor."

 _Proud_. It wasn't a word that Connor had expected to hear.

"Will you kiss me, Jude?"

"You know, this is exactly why Moms don't let us up here with anybody," Jude teased.

Before Connor could apologize, or even blush about it, Jude was kissing him.

"Boys!" Stef yelled. "We have dessert."

"They have a spidey sense," Jude complained. "Come on."

"You live alone," Connor reminded him. "They can't have spidey sense all the time."

"I do, but don't underestimate them."

Jude and Connor headed back downstairs. Stef and Lena had dished out strawberry shortcake and it was waiting for Jude and Connor when they walked back into the dining room. Connor sunk down in the chair that he'd originally been offered.

"There must have been something really interesting about the upstairs," Stef said. "We must be missing something, Lena."

"Unfortunately, you don't miss much," Jude said.

"Jude was telling me about Dylan," Connor said.

"Oh," Lena mused. "Dylan. I haven't heard anything about him in a while, Jude. How is he?"

Jude shrugged. "We don't really talk, you know that. He posts a lot of art on Facebook. Here."

Jude pulled his phone out of his pocket and put it on the table. As he was unlocking it, Stef groaned, "Phone at the table."

"Mom asked!" Jude protested. He opened Facebook and tapped his phone screen a few more times. Then, he spun his device to Stef and Lena. Despite what Stef had said, she and Lena both looked down, scrolling through the photos.

"This one looks like his parents' house," Stef commented.

"Probably is." Jude picked up his spoon and began to eat.

Connor watched Stef and Lena. They hadn't started their desserts yet, and he was torn. It would be rude for him to start eating before they did, but Jude was eating and he didn't want to seem rude by not trying what was in front of him. He picked up his spoon, his hand shaking the whole while. He moved slowly, while Lena said something about how Dylan had really improved.

"He's always been good at art," Jude said. "But I think he's finally figured out how to draw hands. That's all I saw him post in September."

Stef laughed, and Lena picked up her spoon to eat. Connor breathed a sigh of relief that his indecision was over.

"What about you, Connor?" Stef asked. "Do you like art?"

"No. Um, my dad was big on sports. So that was what I did when I was younger."

"What did you play?" Lena asked.

"Baseball. My dad has been mentioning looking into playing at school, at least on a rec team. I've been thinking about seeing if there's batting cages around campus. Just to get used to it again."

"You didn't tell me that," Jude said. "I'll go with you, if you want me to."

Stef snickered. "You, love? At a batting cage?"

"I'd try it," Jude said defensively.

"Once," Lena said. She turned to Connor. "I'm sure you could convince him to go _once_."

"If you wanted me to," Jude added. "I don't want to invite myself along."

Connor used his spoon to cut a piece of strawberry in half. "I think it would be interesting to see you try."

Lena nodded. "I agree. You know, if you do get him to go, a little phone video never hurt anyone."

"Except for me," Jude said, "When you drag it out and show everyone."

"You wouldn't be that wounded," Lena said, and Jude gave in.

"Probably not. It'd probably be funny. But I don't think I'll be _that_ terrible."

"You won't know until you try!"

Their lighthearted banter was nice to listen to. Connor couldn't imagine having such a casual relationship, where they could tease one another and neither of them felt sore or offended over what the other was saying. Connor didn't know how Adam would take a joke from him. The image of the father he'd had in his head since he was fifteen had changed since January when he'd come home to this new father, who was trying to change and be there for him. Connor still wasn't sure what to think of Adam, other than to know that if he called his father, Adam would definitely answer the phone.

They sat around the table for the rest of the evening, and Stef, Lena, and Jude mostly bounced around family-related topics. Connor was happy to follow along. The fact that the conversation wasn't on him allowed him to spend much longer than he thought he would being happy in Stef's and Lena's presence. He hadn't thought the two of them would be draining, necessarily, but he knew that the experience would be. He was glad that night had gone like this, though; he didn't feel like he was taking Jude's time from his family away. They were holding hands under the table, but he wasn't Jude's primary focus.

They had been there nearly four hours when Jude started to stretch and check the time on his phone.

"Well, we don't want you driving back too late," Stef finally said.

"And you're getting old, so it's amazing you're up now. Don't you go to bed at eight-thirty?"

"Shhh," Stef hushed Jude.

Connor was quiet as they carried their dessert dishes to the kitchen. Quietly, he offered to do the dishes before the two of them left.

"Don't be silly," Lena said. "You're our guest. We're not going to make you do the dishes."

She put her hand on his forearm and squeezed him gently. Connor stared at her hand, but he didn't feel any instinct to flinch away or hide from her. He smiled at her, and there was comfort in her expression. When he looked up, Jude's eyes were on the two of them, and Connor could see worry in the creases around his eyes. But Jude didn't need to worry. Lena wasn't scary to Connor, and neither was her light touch.

Stef and Lena followed Jude and Connor to the front door, where they put their shoes on.

"It was really nice meeting you, Connor," Stef said.

"You too," he told her.

"You can come back whenever you want," Lena added. "We really hope to see more of you."

They did? That meant they liked him; that meant they liked him as someone who was with their son. Connor glanced at Jude, who was hugging Stef.

"What do you think?" Lena asked. "Would it be too much for your new boyfriend's mother to ask you for a hug?"

"Okay," Connor whispered.

Lena leant over and hugged him lightly. She smelt lightly of flowers and citrus, and she was so careful with him that he barely felt her hug at all. Connor's muscles tensed and he felt the urge to grab her closer. Whatever her perfume was, it was so close to the one that his own mother had sprayed on her own neck every morning, that for a moment, his mother's face was all that he could see. But he controlled himself and he slowly let go of her. He was shaking and so when he said goodbye to Stef, she just offered her hand to him.

It was so clear to Connor why Jude was the thoughtful person he was.

Jude opened the front door and Connor stepped onto the porch. He waited for Jude and they walked over to Gerald together.

"Goodnight," Lena called.

"Drive safely," Stef ordered. "Text us when you're home."

"Okay, Moms! Love you!"

"We love you too!"

Connor waved at them and then he shut himself inside the car. He relaxed against the seat as Jude turned the car on and they backed into the road and started back toward Jude's apartment.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked. "You went kind of quiet for the last hour."

"I just feel tired. I _liked_ tonight; it wasn't bad. There was just a lot."

Jude plugged his phone in to his speakers. Connor watched him as he carefully touched a few buttons and then put the phone in one of Gerald's cup holders. The speakers started to pipe music, but Jude turned the volume down.

"I liked your moms," Connor added.

"You hugged Lena."

"I did. I knew I didn't have to."

Jude smiled. "Hold my hand, baby?"

Connor threaded his fingers through Jude's and he leant his head against the window. He'd done it. He'd found himself a boyfriend who was genuinely a good man and Connor had met his parents and Connor was beginning to wonder if his relationship with Jude was really going to be able to work, even considering his past. Connor _wanted_ it to work. He turned his head and just stared at Jude's profile. He couldn't believe that he'd only met Jude in September. It should scare him more.

He used his free hand to cover Jude's hand, cradling him gently.

"Something on your mind?" Jude asked.

Connor picked up Jude's hand and he pressed a kiss to every one of Jude's fingers, because Jude made him want to be affectionate like that. Jude made him want to let go and get lost in him and feel things. Jude made him want to just _give_ and not in the way he'd given to his ex, where Connor knew that there were expectations that he had to reach. Jude's expectations were the expectations that should be in a relationship: honesty, trust, the monogamy they'd agreed on. He kissed Jude's hand again.

"I feel the same way," Jude said.

Connor felt contented as he leant back against the window. He was exhausted. The instinct to stay awake and keep an eye on Jude because he couldn't control what Jude would do overwhelmed him, but Connor told himself to pack it up and put it away. Jude was not going to hurt him. Jude cared about him, like a person should care about a person they were dating, and Connor knew that he trusted him. He allowed himself to close his eyes and fall asleep, lulled by the movement of the car and the sounds of some of Jude's favourite songs.

(-.-)

Connor startled awake the moment that Gerald stopped in Jude's driveway. He flinched when Jude spoke; his sluggish head took a moment to understand that it was _Jude_. His reached up a hand and rubbed at his eyes, squinting as Jude opened his door and Gerald's overhead light came on. He made a small mewling sound and opened his own door. The night air felt extremely cold on his face and he stumbled over his own feet trying to find the stone path that would lead to Jude's front door. Jude chuckled and his arm wrapped around Connor's waist.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep," Connor murmured.

"You're cute when you sleep. Also, I was impressed my bad singing didn't wake you."

"I'm sorry I missed that." Connor walked in Jude's front door and he almost tripped over his own bike.

"Should I drive you home?" Jude asked.

"I think I just need a few minutes to wake up." He sat heavily on Jude's couch, leaning against the arm of the couch.

"Need anything?" Jude asked.

"Will you come sit with me?" Connor asked, already reaching for him.

"Let me pee," Jude said, brushing his hand against Connor's.

"Don't fall in."

"Would you come rescue me?" Jude asked cheekily.

Connor avoided the question. Instead, he wrapped the plaid blanket around himself. Jude smiled at him, and Connor snuggled into the couch cushions to wait for him. It didn't take long for Jude to come back, and he flopped on the couch, putting his head in Connor's lap.

"You look comfy."

"I am."

"Do you _really_ want to go home tonight?" Jude asked.

"You know I can't stay," Connor replied. He kissed Jude's forehead. "I like you, but I also like sleeping."

"You could have the couch this time," Jude said.

Connor traced the outline of Jude's face with his index finger. He tapped the point of Jude's chin. "Why do you want me to stay? We wouldn't even be sleeping next to each other."

"I don't know. I like having you here. Isn't that enough?" Jude grinned and then added, "Plus, I like how you look in my pyjamas."

Connor felt his cheeks go warm. Instead of replying, he moved around so that he was lying on the couch, he and Jude nose to nose.

"I don't even know why I'm asking," Jude said. "It's not a good night. I work six to two tomorrow, so you'd have to get up at five a.m. with me."

"Six?" Connor repeated. "You're not going to get a lot of sleep. It's after midnight."

"I know."

"I should go and let you sleep."

"If you want to go," Jude said.

Connor bit the inside of his cheek, feeling out the emotion in Jude's words. "But … you don't want me to go?"

"Not really."

Jude's lips touched Connor's as he spoke. Connor pressed forward to kiss him properly. Jude's arm went around his side and he shifted slightly in Connor's grasp. Connor flashed back to Jude's hand going up by his head and, so, before Jude could forget again, Connor moved so that Jude was slightly beneath him and Connor was holding himself up over his boyfriend. His heart started to pound. It was always him looking up to his ex. But Jude wasn't about to pin him back down. Jude's eyes were half-closed and he reached one hand up, pressing it against Connor's torso. Connor ducked his head to watch Jude trail his finger across his t-shirt, feeling the stomach muscles beneath.

"How do you find the motivation to work out?" Jude asked. "I mean, I'm glad you do, but _how_?"

"We had a home gym in our basement. We would work out together. Then, after he was gone, I realized I needed to be able to fight back if anything came after me again."

"Oh, baby." Jude ran his hands along Connor's arms. "You feel tense."

"I _a_ m holding myself up," Connor reminded him.

"Oh, right." Jude's hands rested on the upper part of Connor's arms, nearly on his shoulders. "Is this too close to your neck?"

"Not really. But … no closer, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed. "Was today a good day? I know my questions earlier bothered you."

"I'm okay. I'm happy. I liked meeting your parents. Dinner was good. Don't worry." He kissed Jude lightly. "I'm surprised, actually, by how easy this is. Being with you, I mean. When I met you in September, I never thought I'd so much as t-t-touch you. I _couldn't_. And now … this is okay. Laying like this, kissing you, being close to you … I never thought I'd do this with someone again."

"Never?" Jude repeated.

"He was it for me. I believed that. Completely." Connor shrugged. "Don't you ever miss Dylan?"

"Sure. I don't think you can have a relationship like we did and not miss each other sometimes. I think of him and I'm sure he thinks of me. But that doesn't mean we ever believed that if, when, we broke up, that we'd never be with someone else. Or that we were _the_ very best thing for each other. Just because I loved him doesn't mean that I don't want to be here with you or that I wish I were still with him instead."

"I'm glad you had him as a first relationship," Connor said.

"Me too," Jude agreed. "And I'm sorry about yours."

"Sometimes me too. Sometimes I miss him. That screws me up." Connor sighed. "We always end up talking about it."

"Not always," Jude said. "It's about you and me, baby. That's all."

Connor nodded and he ducked his head. Jude was stroking along his abdomen again. Every so often, his fingers would brush one of Connor's hidden scars, but Jude didn't seem to notice. Goosebumps rose on Connor's arms as Jude touched him and he shook whenever Jude got close to the hem of his shirt, but Jude never made any move to put his hands on Connor's bare skin.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"That you're going to be really disappointed if you ever see me shirtless."

"N-n-no," Connor said quickly. He didn't know how to deal with Jude being insecure; his ex had never suffered from that. All Connor knew was that no part of Jude was a disappointment to him. Physically speaking, Connor didn't know a lot of Jude; someday, he might know him a lot better. Connor knew that it didn't matter to him that Jude's muscles weren't defined and that his new boyfriend didn't go to the gym. He liked how soft Jude was when he held him. He liked Jude exactly as he was.

Connor pressed his hand against Jude's side. Jude was tall and he had a small layer of fat. Connor could feel the lumps of Jude's ribs and he moved his hand slowly across the top of Jude's stomach, and then up over his heart. Jude's body wasn't so thin that it was completely flat, and Connor's fingers had bumped along his journey. When he pressed his hand flat against the left side of Jude's chest to feel the thumping of his heart, Connor could also feel the small point of his nipple. He kept his eyes on Jude's face, trying desperately to judge if he were crossing a line. But Jude closed his eyes and smiled.

"I-I-I d-d-don't think I _could_ be disappointed with you," Connor admitted. "I really like you just as you are."

Jude's eyes popped open. "Like me enough to kiss me again?"

"Maybe," Connor mused.

"Do you wanna kiss me?" Jude sang at him.

Connor nodded.

"Is it 'cause I'm cute?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded again. Slowly, he bent his arms so that he wasn't holding himself so high over Jude and so their chests were touching. His nose skimmed Jude's cheek, and then they were kissing again. Connor could feel the hike of Jude's breath as he drew in a breath and the way his hand turned into a fist at his side, clutching at Connor's shirt.

"How do you do this to me?" Connor asked weakly. "It's just so … You just … It's easy."

"You said." Jude laughed. "I know it's not perfect and I know it's not like you're completely healed, but I hope I help you more than hurt you."

Connor lifted himself back onto his hands and then he sat back at the end of the couch, moving Jude's feet to his lap. Jude pushed himself up on his elbows, staring at him. Connor rubbed his hand across Jude's shin. "I want to be good enough for you."

"Oh. That's not something you need to worry about."

Connor disagreed, but he didn't want to talk about that anymore tonight. He glanced at his bike. He should probably head home and let Jude sleep before his shift, but he didn't want to go. He didn't want to go outside, get on his bike, and go to his dorm room. Jude, who had turned around on the couch to put his head in Connor's lap, certainly didn't seem ready to let him go yet. Connor ran his hand through Jude's hair.

"I kinda want to put my pyjamas on," Jude said.

"I can go."

"But I really don't want you to do that." Jude sighed. "I know it's late."

"I should want to go more than I do," Connor admitted. "It worries me. I keep talking to Dad and Dr. Scott about it, but Dad doesn't think I'm going to slide backward. Dr. Scott knows I might … relapse again and get scared again."

"You lost me." Jude took his hand.

"I think I'm doing too well. This is too easy. It should be harder to be happy."

"It doesn't have to be."

"Do you know what's scary?" Connor asked him.

"What?"

"Two things, actually, that I can think of."

"I'm listening."

"The first is … riding a bike home at twelve-thirty is scarier than riding a bike home at five-thirty. And the … th-the second is th-that … if you asked me to stay again, I'd probably tell you yes."

"Because you want to?" Jude asked.

"Yes. That's what worries me most."

"You don't have to be so scared of this or of us."

"I know I _shouldn't_ be, but I can't help it. I'm sorry, Jude."

"Don't be sorry." Jude squeezed his hand. "So you want to spend the night on my couch?"

"If I could."

"You can." Jude sat up and kissed Connor's cheeks. "Let's make it a pyjama party, though, okay?"

"Okay."

In the bathroom, Connor took his sweet time putting his pyjamas on. He had to wonder what was wrong with him. It had barely been a week since Halloween but, here he was, back at Jude's to spend the night. But tonight felt different. There was no tension in the apartment. He was going to be allowed to sleep on the couch; he wouldn't have to be next to a sleeping man. Connor trusted Jude and he'd been able to think about this and prepare himself for it – it wasn't something that he'd been forced into because all of his other options hadn't panned out. He didn't feel upset as he walked back to the couch and tucked himself under Jude's arm.

"You work soon," Connor said.

"I know. I'll sleep eventually. And drink a lot of coffee tomorrow." Jude put his feet on the coffee table and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels and he came across a tattoo competition show. "Do you have any tattoos?"

"No."

"Me either," Jude said. "I'd get one, though. I just don't know what I'd get."

"That guy has a lighthouse. He seems happy with it."

"But I don't care about lighthouses."

"You could get a tattoo of a cup of coffee."

"That wouldn't be inaccurate," Jude mused. "What would you get?"

"I don't think I'd ever get one."

"You could get a sour belt and I could get a coffee mug. We could go together."

"I don't love sour belts that much."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head. "Well, even if I did get a tattoo, it wouldn't be on my head."

"No, that'd hurt," Connor agreed.

They stayed curled together until the end of the episode, and then Jude yawned. Connor was nervous as Jude fetched a pillow from his bed.

"Do you think you'll need another blanket?" Jude asked.

"No, thank you."

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I will be," Connor promised.

"My alarm is going to go off at quarter after five," Jude warned him. "If you can't sleep or you want to go before that, then just poke me so that I can lock the door behind you, all right?"

Connor nodded. He kissed Jude goodnight, and then he sat down on the couch, watching as Jude went to his bed and climbed on it. He began to close the curtains. Before he closed the curtains by his head, he said, "Goodnight, baby."

"Goodnight, Jude."

Jude shut the lamp on his bedside table off, and then he closed the curtain. Connor was left alone in the darkness. Slowly, he laid down and let his head fall into the cushy pillow he was borrowing. He drew the blanket up over his body with slow deliberate movements. He finally had to relax into the couch and stare upward toward the ceiling. There was a bit of dim light that came in from Jude's two small windows, but there wasn't enough for him to see anything clearly. He took a deep breath and he wondered if he'd really be able to sleep.

He didn't have to wonder long; less than ten minutes later, he was asleep.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **One More Day**_ **by Diamond Rio (also the song featured in the chapter). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	25. Shape Of Us

Connor bolted upright as an alarm started going off. He was tangled in something and he kicked at it before his tired eyes focused on Jude's bed curtains. He pressed a hand to his chest and let out a gasp, trying to get his heartbeat to slow. He was at Jude's. He knew where he was. Everything was fine. He collapsed back against the couch. Things could have gone worse. He'd managed to sleep peacefully; if there was a night that he'd thought nightmares would come for him, last night would have been a prime candidate. But there had been no nightmares. There had been nothing but sleep.

It had been too short of a sleep; Jude hadn't turned the TV off until two. Connor had known he wasn't going to get a long sleep. Connor could have dragged the pillow back over his head and fallen asleep again, but he couldn't. He had to go. He couldn't spend the day at Jude's house by himself.

He heard the curtains of Jude's bed open, and then Jude yawned. "Morning, baby."

"Good morning," Connor answered.

Jude tramped across the room to his dresser. He rummaged around it for a moment before walking away, and then the bathroom light turned on. Connor forced himself up off the couch the moment he heard the bathroom door shut. He dressed himself quickly, terrified that Jude would walk out of the bathroom before he was dressed. Jude was still in the bathroom when Connor was done folding the blanket he'd used over the back of the couch and carefully folding the pyjamas he'd worn. Connor returned his pillow to the mass of pillows Jude slept with, and then he stood there, wondering what to do next. He didn't want to leave without telling Jude goodbye.

Connor slowly walked over to the kitchen and turned the light on. He started up Jude's coffee maker, watching the coffee drip into the pot. He was still staring at it when Jude walked into the kitchen.

"Oh, coffee," Jude sighed happily. "You're perfect, baby."

"You're easy to get compliments from," Connor observed.

"You're easy to give compliments to," Jude said. He slumped against the counter, running his hands through his hair.

Connor just watched him. He was wearing white socks, loose blue jeans, and his black work shirt. He yawned, stretching his long arms above his head. The coffee maker clicked off and Connor reached for mugs.

"How do you take your coffee?" he asked.

"Put a ton of sugar in it," Jude said. "Just sugar."

Connor didn't want to get his coffee wrong, and his hands were shaking as he pulled the sugar out of the cupboard. He put spooned four large amounts of sugar into the cup and poured the coffee over it. He stirred it for as long as he dared and then he passed the cup to Jude. He watched Jude anxiously as he took his first sip. Jude's face didn't change; he simply stirred the coffee a little more and then took another drink. Connor breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't gotten it terribly wrong.

"Aren't you going to have a cup?" Jude asked.

"Oh. Yes, thank you."

"You don't need to wait for me to offer, baby. The cruelest thing I could do would be to deprive you of your morning coffee."

"It's not really a habit with me," Connor said, while his insides did flips. The cruelest thing that Jude could imagine doing was _not giving someone caffeine_. Connor had to fight to keep his jaw from dropping. Whether or not Jude was exaggerating didn't matter; it surprised him that he had said it at all.

"You're a better man than I," Jude muttered.

Connor stirred a little bit of sugar into his cup, and then he felt Jude gently tug at his t-shirt. He stepped so that he and Jude were next to one another. Jude's arm was slung loosely around his waist.

"How did you sleep?" Connor asked.

"Good, not long enough."

"I'm sorry for keeping you awake."

"You didn't," Jude said. "But how did you sleep? I was a little worried about you."

"Your alarm was the worst thing about it. Being on the couch helped a lot, rather than being right next to you. I'm sorry for that."

"Not something you need to be sorry for. Like I'll keep telling you, I'm so proud of how far you've come in the time I've known you. It makes me happy that you're even willing to try this. I wondered if you'd stop talking to me after I told you I liked you."

"I wouldn't have."

"I didn't _seriously_ think you would. But it was still something that I wondered."

"I like you too." Connor took a long drink of his coffee, though it scalded his tongue. He just needed something to keep from thinking about the words too much. He _liked_ Jude, and it made his stomach do flips and the back of his mind let out a shriek that sounded a lot like his ex-boyfriend's name.

"We need to leave in seven minutes."

"I hope you have a good day."

"Same." Jude put his empty mug on the counter and rested his head on top of Connor's. "Maybe I'll come home and nap on my break."

"Probably a good idea."

"I might just text you."

Several things flitted across Connor's mind at once, but the thing that struck him dumb was the reminder of his phone. He thought of the fact that he'd turned it off before dinner and he had _never_ thought to turn it back on. He had never thought of his father, who he spoke to _every_ night, because he'd gotten so wrapped up in Jude. He'd allowed it to happen again; he had forgotten the outside world in favour of his boyfriend.

He shoved his mug onto the counter and raced over to his back pack. He shoved his hand into the big pocket and fished around for his cell phone, so worried about what he'd find from his father when he turned it back on.

"Connor?" Jude called. "Is everything all right?"

"I-I-I-I di-di-didn't talk to … to … to _Dad_ last n-ni-night. I forgot! He's going to be so _mad,_ " Connor sniffed, feeling tears at his eyes. His phone screen glowed brightly in his hand and he felt a small vibration.

"Oh, baby," Jude crooned. "Your dad will understand."

"He m-m-m-might n-not. He might get protective. I'd _understand_ ," Connor wailed, already feeling embarrassed over his lack of control. "I know he wants to talk to me and I should be better and more considerate and I shouldn't do this to him and … and … and …" He surrendered to his hyperventilation as his phone lit up with fifteen texts and three voicemails. All of them, he knew, had to be from Adam.

Jude walked up behind him and Connor promptly fell to the floor, landing on his bottom, and pulling his knees up to his chest. He wasn't thinking about the fact that it was Jude. He was thinking about the fact that he'd let someone down and hadn't done what was expected of him and then about the footsteps coming up behind him. He waited, ready for the pain that he knew he deserved. He should be more aware and considerate and better and –

"Connor, it's okay," Jude murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you. Your father isn't going to hurt you. It's okay to make mistakes. You're only human and no one blames you for it."

"I'm sorry I'm so terrible," Connor whimpered. "I don't mean to be. Please don't be mad."

"No one's mad. At worst, your dad is probably concerned. You should read the messages, baby. You won't know until you read it and I don't think it's going to be as bad as you think it is."

Connor knew that he had to listen. Connor couldn't ignore Jude. He had to pay attention to people and he especially needed to pay attention to people who knew better than he did. He was shaking so badly that his phone screen barely made sense, and he dropped it twice before he was able to read Adam's messages.

 **Adam: I'm sorry I wasn't able to speak more in depth with you today when you called. I was in some important meetings. Do you want to talk more about it now?**

 **Adam: Connor, I know you're not in classes. I hope you're all right. Please answer me.**

 **Adam: I hope that you're not ignoring me.**

 **Adam: I'm going to assume that you're with Jude. I hope everything is going all right.**

 **Adam: Please call me about it later.**

 **Adam: I am starting to get very worried about you. I know you're an adult but this isn't like you.**

 **Adam: Not answering your calls either?**

 **Adam: It's late. You're usually home right now.**

 **Adam: I'm going to stay up for another hour or so.**

 **Adam: I hope you're having a good time and that you're not in any trouble.**

 **Adam: I think I'm going to go to bed now.**

 **Adam: Message me as soon as you get these.**

 **Adam: I don't care what time of night it is.**

 **Adam: Goodnight.**

 **Adam: Good morning, Connor.**

"Baby," Jude said, "I really don't want to do this, but I have to go to work."

"I'm sorry. I'll get out. I just … just … I-I-I –"

"Connor," Jude interrupted. "You can stay here if you want, for an hour or two. I'll get my boss to give me a quick break and I can come back and lock up behind you. It's up to you. I just need you to decide right now."

"I-I-I-I can't move, I'm sorry," Connor cried.

"It's okay," Jude murmured. "It's perfectly okay. Listen, okay?"

Connor nodded.

"I want to make sure you know that it's okay to eat or drink whatever you want. You can read any books and use the T.V. It's okay with me. And the password to my tablet is a backwards 'Z' if you're that bored. I really don't mind, okay?"

Connor nodded, but there were tears streaking down his cheeks and he couldn't handle more than that. He didn't think he could even _move_. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry because he had a mistake and he wasn't allowed to make mistakes and he had made his father worry and what kind of a son was he? What kind of a person was he?

"Do you want your blanket?" Jude asked.

"O-ok-okay."

He flinched every time that Jude took a step and he curled into a ball completely when Jude stood next to him and draped the blanket around his shoulders. He dug his hands into the soft flannel sides of the blanket and pressed it against his face, hiding away.

"I'll be back soon, okay?"

Connor nodded.

"I hope you feel better, baby. If you _really_ need me, my work's number is on my fridge. You can call me there."

Connor couldn't. Connor couldn't disrupt anybody else's life. Jude had things to do. His dad had things to do. He just sat around and was useless and he made people worry about him and people had to hate him for making them worry. He was glad when he heard the door shut, because he could collapse against the rug on Jude's floor and just let himself sob. He could let it out and let it fall away, like he couldn't when there was someone in front of him. But Connor couldn't let himself cry for long, either. He had to call Adam before his father got in the car to drive to work. He grabbed his phone and dragged it toward him, calling his father.

"Connor! I was worried about you!"

"I'm sorry," Connor cried. He wasn't in control of himself, not at all.

"Are you crying?"

"I f-f-f-forg-got to turn my ph-ph-phone on and I m-m-missed your _calls_ and I'm _so sorry, Dad_. I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzdidn't mean to make you worry. That was wrong of me. Please don't b-b-b-be mad."

"I'm not mad. It was just out of character for you. But you're an adult and you shouldn't have to check in with your father every night. I probably overreacted."

"I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I know I made a mistake. I know I was wrong. I'm sorry, Dad."

"I know you are, Connor. It's okay. I'm not angry with you."

"I need to make it up to you!"

"Okay, okay," Adam said soothingly. "Why don't you tell me about last night? Letting me know where you were will make it up to me."

Some part of Connor tensed at the tone his father was using. He didn't like it. It was condescending when he could tell how much someone was catering to him and his overreactions. But it was only a small part. Connor felt as if every piece of him was doing something different, and he didn't know how to breathe through it.

"Are you still there?"

"Yes, Dad! I went to meet Jude's parents and so I turned my phone off while I was there because I didn't want to be rude and then we came back to Jude's house and it was late and I didn't feel like biking home and so I spent the night sleeping on his couch and I didn't think of my phone even though I _really_ should have, please don't be mad."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," Connor whimpered. "I am. I'm just upset I did this to you! I didn't mean to!"

"I know, it's okay. I promise, I'm not angry."

"O-o-okay." Connor didn't trust it. Anger hid. Anger lurked. It could come back and surprise him at any time. Connor didn't want to be surprised.

"How were Jude's parents?"

"Really nice," Connor whispered. "They liked me."

"Of course they did. Did you sleep all right last night? Halloween just happened."

"I-I-I-I know," he hiccoughed. "It was f-fine."

"Take a deep breath, Connor."

Immediately, Connor was sucking in air.

"You need to calm down," Adam said. "No one is angry at you. Nothing is going to happen to you. You are allowed to spend a night with Jude and his parents. I was worried because I'm used to hearing from you, but maybe, when you're feeling better, we can talk about whether or not it's still reasonable for me to expect that. After everything, you deserve your own freedom and autonomy. I don't want to get in the way of that."

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry, Dad." Connor took another deep breath. He had to calm down. He was wrong; he was reacting wrong. Adam told him that. He needed to be fine and he could make himself be fine. He could. He closed his eyes and he shoved his feelings away. He shoved them down and hid them and he thought about what his father would want him to do and say.

"Are you home now?"

"N-n-no." He thought he sounded stronger. He sounded more like a person. Adam wanted him to be a person.

"You and Jude are up early."

"He h-h-had w-w-work."

"You're alone."

Connor didn't know what to say. It wasn't a question and confirmation would be redundant.

Adam took a loud breath. "Okay, Connor. I hope you have a good day. Maybe I'll hear from you later today."

"You will! You will! I promise you, I will. I'll never forget again!" His voice went high and Connor tamped himself down, digging his nails into his arm to bring himself back to himself. "I'm really sorry, Dad."

"It's okay, Connor. Would you like to keep talking to me or would it be better for us to hang up for now?"

"We don't have to hang up. I can keeping talking to you. I want what you want. I'm so sorry, Dad."

"I just want to do what's best for you," Adam said. "But I don't know what that is, and it's me that should be sorry, Connor. I love you, I really do, but I still need to get to know you."

"You too, Dad," Connor said.

"I need to start driving to work," Adam said. "Do you want me to let you go or do you want to talk to me on the drive?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. Well, I think I'm going to focus on driving. But if you need to call me, then you can always do that. I'll answer."

Adam had to reassure him of that because Connor was a failure and he didn't always answer the phone. He didn't know how to answer a phone. He was stupid. Stupid and terrible. Stupid and terrible and awful.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. But you have nothing to be sorry for."

Connor battled with himself. He _shouldn't_ lie and to get caught in a lie would result in the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He also didn't want to fight with his father. He didn't want to make things worse. He was good at making things worse. He pushed too far and he never knew what was right and that was his fault. He should know better. He just couldn't learn. He was too stupid to learn.

"Okay," he whispered. Whatever Adam said was right. He just needed to figure out the best way to agree with him; he needed to figure out the way that Adam would like best.

"I hope you have a good day, Connor."

"You too," Connor whispered.

Adam hung up on him, and Connor collapsed into the rug, pulling the plaid blanket tightly around him. He needed to get a grip. He needed to stop shaking and trembling. He needed to do something to help himself. He couldn't just lay on the floor and do nothing because he always did nothing because he was useless and a disappointment and he needed to learn how to do things and be productive and not just lay around. Connor pushed the blanket off him and stood up. He could have thrown up. But he didn't.

Connor crept into the kitchen. Cooking helped. And Jude hadn't eaten yet today. He'd be happy when he came back and saw there was food waiting for him. Connor wanted someone to be happy. He wanted to do his best for someone and Jude had said he liked his cooking. Jude had even told that to his parents. Connor clung to that little bit of validation and he began to work in the kitchen. Jude had _just_ enough things for banana muffins and Connor was able to quickly whip them up. He slid them in the heated oven, and then he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know when Jude would be back and he couldn't leave until Jude came back. Connor stared at the front door. He was trapped again. He was trapped in another man's house again.

He hadn't even realized he was doing that to himself.

With an agonized cry, Connor collapsed to the kitchen floor.

(-.-)

It was nearly eight-thirty when Jude was allowed to take a ten minute break to run home. He grabbed a bag of M&M's for Connor. He just wanted Connor to feel better. He knew chocolate wouldn't do it, but he didn't see how chocolate could hurt, either. He walked home more quickly than he thought he ever had before, only to find that Connor was sitting on his small patio, his bike leaning against the house. Connor was on his feet the moment he spotted Jude.

"Hey, baby," Jude greeted warily.

Connor didn't look good. His eyes and cheeks were bright red. His face was closed off and he stared down at the ground, rather than meeting Jude's gaze.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice raw and devoid of emotion. "I need to go home."

"You don't need to be sorry. I'm just worried about you. Are you going to be okay?"

"Maybe. Probably." Connor sighed.

"What did your dad say?"

Connor shrugged listlessly. He tightened his hands around his handlebars. Jude held out the packet of M&M's.

"I can't take them," Connor whispered.

"I got them for you," Jude said. "If you could, would you please tell me when you get home? I want to know you're safe."

"I'll text you."

Jude pushed the M&M's at Connor again. Connor took them and he tucked them into the side pocket of his backpack. His movements were all slow and deliberate. He put his bag back on his shoulders.

"Thank you, Jude. It means a lot to me."

"I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy," Jude replied. "You can always call me if you need me, okay?"

"Okay," Connor murmured.

"I'll see you later," Jude said.

"Bye."

Connor put his helmet on and he walked his bike up the hill. Jude watched him pedal away from the bottom of the hill. Then, he sighed and ducked into his apartment for a second. His apartment smelt differently – of baking and something sweet. Jude flicked on the overhead lights and, there, on the stove, was a tray of muffins. Jude's heart broke over Connor. He was damaged. Jude hadn't needed to see him fall apart to know that, but the more he knew Connor, the more he saw just how deep those crevices ran, and it killed him. He wished that Connor were whole, but he knew that all he could do was be patient with him and care about him.

And Jude cared about him so much. Jude cared about him so much that being patient and doing what he could through Connor's breakdowns didn't feel like an ordeal to him. He hated seeing Connor like that, of course, but he knew that Connor was working toward healing. Connor was getting better, just as they had said to one another last night. Jude only wished that he could do more for him. He wished he knew some foolproof way to make him feel better, but Jude doubted that such a thing existed.

He walked over to his stove and picked up a muffin. They were still warm. He happily took a bite of it, already texting Connor to tell him how good the muffins were and how thankful he was that Connor had baked for him again. He knew how important sweet words were to Connor, and he wanted to send all of them. He just wanted Connor to know how much Jude appreciated him. He hoped he knew. He also hoped that Connor's father had been too angry. From how Connor had spoken of the man, he didn't seem like the type that would get too angry. It seemed like it was Connor's fear taking over.

Jude couldn't say he blamed Connor. He just wished that Connor didn't have to go through it.

He grabbed one of his Tupperware containers and piled a couple of muffins into it. They'd make a good lunch, especially since he'd only get twenty minutes. He walked back to work, hoping that everything would be all right with Connor.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Shape Of Us**_ **by Ian Britt. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	26. Break Your Heart

Sunday morning, Jude stretched out in bed, playing with his phone. He hadn't heard from Connor since his 'home safe' text yesterday, and he was starting to worry. He was hoping, when his phone vibrated, that it would be his boyfriend. Instead, it was his best friend, and Jude answered it immediately.

"Hey, how are you?"

"Play along," Taylor instructed.

"Okay."

"Let's say. Hypothetically, you banged a girl."

"Definitely hypothetical."

Taylor ignored him. "Let's say that you and this girl had been banging for most of the summer. And then you went back to Nevada for school and you two stopped talking. Would you want that girl to call you and tell you she'd gotten an abortion after it already happened?"

" _Oh_."

"Daria thinks I should call him. I don't think I should. There's no point in torturing him now. I just thought I'd try and get a boy's perspective."

"And you don't know any straight boys."

"You're still a guy! You call yourself a guy! You have the guy perspective! I don't know. Let's say Dylan called and said he aborted your guys' ass-baby!"

"Impossible! Virgin, Taylor!"

"You know what I mean," she whined. "Jude, just answer the question. It's important."

"I know, I'm sorry." Jude took a deep breath, trying to think about it. "Well, part of me wants to say that I'd definitely want to know. But a bigger part of me says that I wouldn't. Because, at that point, there would be nothing I could do. Not even be with you as you made the decision. It would be nothing but torturing me at that point. I don't know, Taylor. I don't think I would want to know."

"That's what I thought. If I had been more on the fence about the decision or if I was thinking I could carry it if he wanted it, I would have told him. But I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant and giving birth. I don't think that makes me a horrible person."

"It doesn't," Jude said quickly. "No, of course it doesn't. You need to look out for yourself, Taylor. You made the right decision for you. That's what matters."

Taylor sighed. "I made the right decision. I know I did. I just … Am I selfish, Jude? I didn't even think about calling the father. I can't make that up to anyone."

"No," Jude agreed. "You can't. I mean, at this point, there's nothing he can do. There's no baby. You haven't talked to him since … late August?"

"Yeah. I didn't even know I was pregnant the last time that we spoke."

"I say don't tell him. I can see why Daria would say tell him –"

"So can I," Taylor interrupted, "but I see more reasons not to tell him."

"Me too," Jude finished simply.

They were quiet for a moment, and Jude put his hand behind his head. He'd sit here with her for as long she needed, even if they didn't speak. He listened to her shuffle around.

"Can I come see you this weekend?" Taylor asked.

"Sure. It's my turn to drive down, though."

"I want to get out of here. And after Halloween, I owe you a nice visit."

"I want you here if you want to be here," Jude said. "Do you want me to drive down and get you?"

"Let's not push the car any further than we have to," Taylor mused. "I can bus again. I actually don't hate getting to sit there and listen to music. It could be a lot worse."

"If you're sure," Jude said.

"I am. I'll text you later with details, okay?"

"Sure you need to go?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Jude. For everything. I love you."

"I love you too, Taylor."

She hung up on him, and Jude dragged himself out of bed. He walked into the kitchen and turned on his coffee maker, hopping up onto the counter and grabbing a muffin to eat. He was running out of muffins already, and he wondered what Connor would say if he messaged him and asked him if he wanted to have a baking date. He'd see through Jude's guise and know his ulterior motive immediately, but Jude thought Connor might do it anyway. Connor liked baking and Connor liked spending time with him.

Jude played with his phone again and he even went as far as opening up his messages to Connor, but he locked his phone again. Connor needed space; Jude could tell that. Yesterday morning had to be stressful and Jude knew that it might take Connor time to calm down from it. Jude could give him that. Jude wasn't going to be like Connor's ex-boyfriend. He wasn't going to text Connor and be overbearing, even though he wanted to spend time with his boyfriend.

He resigned himself to a lazy day at home and carried his muffin and coffee over to his couch. He flopped down and turned on Netflix. He was still lazily making his way through _The X-Files_ and he could spend the day with Mulder and Scully. He wasn't entirely sure how he felt about the show yet – he liked the acting, but he didn't know how seriously he was supposed to take the conspiracy theories that Mulder had. Jude had a vague belief in aliens – Earth couldn't be the only planet with life – but he really didn't think aliens were like how the 90s had portrayed them.

He lazed on his couch for hours, making a sandwich for lunch around two. He was beginning to wonder if maybe he should shower – his hair was getting gross – when his phone vibrated. He picked it up and smiled. _Connor_. It was amazing how his heart felt like it was lighting up when he saw his boyfriend had texted him. It was only November, but Jude was becoming aware of just how deep he was getting already. He knew he had to keep that to himself, perhaps confiding in Taylor or his mothers. He knew it would scare Connor.

 **Connor: are you busy?**

 **Jude: no**

 **Connor: would you like to do readings? At the library**

 **Jude: I'd love to. When?**

 **Connor: There's a room for six**

 **Jude: I'll see you there!**

He nearly leapt from the couch and raced to the shower. He was going to have to be quick if he was going to be on time, and he didn't want to be late to meet Connor. Connor would forgive him if he was, but Jude knew that Connor always thought he _had_ to forgive. And while being late was something very simple, Jude still didn't want to do that to Connor. He rushed through his shower, although he took some time with his shampoo. He hated the feeling of greasy or itchy hair. It didn't take long for him to towel himself dry and put on clean jeans. He found himself staring at his t-shirts, wondering what he should wear. It was a stupid thing to wonder; all Connor had ever seen him in was his bright, graphic tees. And Connor had never said a word about his clothing. Jude pulled on a blue shirt. It was his favourite colour.

He went to grab a sweater from his dresser drawer, and he found himself lingering over the one Connor had let him borrow. Jude hadn't thought of giving it back yet, but Connor hadn't asked for it either. Jude didn't really _want_ to give it back. He would when Connor asked. He grabbed one of his Anchor Beach sweaters instead, and then he grabbed his keys off the top of the top of his dresser and bounced out the door.

He ended up beating Connor to the library. He sat on the front steps and fiddled with his phone. He was nearly ten minutes early. He could have texted his boyfriend, but he knew Connor wouldn't be long. Connor was never late. Jude found himself wondering about his boyfriend's former life. Though he wasn't sure he really _wanted_ to know, he found himself contemplating about why Connor felt the compulsion of being perfectly on time and what it had taken to get him to the point where Connor felt like he _had_ to act the way that he did. He wondered who Connor would be if he'd never met his ex-boyfriend.

Jude wondered if Connor would like him, had things been different and they were in a different world.

As he spotted Connor, he decided that it didn't matter. They were here, now, and they were together. That was enough. It was more than enough to make Jude happy.

"Oh, hi!" Connor said. "Am I late? I'm sorry."

"You're not late." Jude stood and held out his hand, but Connor stepped backward.

"I … Can … It's not that I don't want to touch you. Yesterday was hard. It made me tired."

"That's okay, baby. I understand. Want to go in?"

Connor nodded.

"Can I ask what your dad said?"

Connor summed up his morning yesterday. "I talked to him again before I went to bed. He said he doesn't want me to feel like I _have_ to call him and talk to him every night. But that's what I'm used to. So, I don't know what to say to him about that. I understand when he says that I'm an adult and that I can make my own decisions, but I really don't feel like I can. It's easier for me to listen and follow someone else's lead."

"I think you're a lot more than you give yourself credit for," Jude said.

Connor unlocked the door and held it open for him. Jude stepped inside, turning on the light and dropping his bag onto the table. Connor gingerly took a seat across from him, and, when Jude sat, he was careful to fold his legs under his chair. Jude didn't want to accidentally brush against him.

"How was your shift?"

"It was good. The muffins you baked got me through. And I talked to Taylor today. She's going to come down again next weekend. I hope that she feels better here than there." Jude shrugged. "What do I know? I never know how to help people."

"Oh. I don't think that's true. I feel better when you're just around. That has to count for something, right?"

"It does if you think it does."

Connor stared down at the table top. "I think it does."

Jude wished he could reach across the table and take Connor's hand. Instead, he cracked open his bag and pulled out _The Odyssey._ He cheered, "It's the last week of this! Also, I need to start thinking about that project. We're allowed to have partners, right? Want to be my partner?"

"Oh … I, um, I … finished it already," Connor whispered. "But we can do something else. We could –"

"Baby, I'm not going to make you redo something. I can figure something out on my own. What did you do?"

"I just wrote an essay comparing the story of Antigone to _Romeo and Juliet_. There's some similarities. I think it's possible that Shakespeare found some inspiration there. I know the point of the project was creativity, so, after I wrote the essay, I, um, made this … I guess it's just like a scrapbook or something and I have _Antigone_ quotes, references, and pictures from theatre productions on one side and the same thing for _Romeo and Juliet_ on the other."

"Wow. That's far beyond what I'm going to come up with. Ugh. I just need an easy topic. I don't want to do more work than that." He groaned.

"You could do something about archetypes. Kroger talked about that in one of the first lectures."

"Oh, yeah. I remember." Jude tapped his fingers on the table. "I'll go over the notes again, but there was a lot of stuff about that, right?"

Connor nodded.

"Because all I need is a lot of material. I can shape something out of that," Jude mused.

"Archetypes would give you what you want," Connor said. "If … If … I mean, y-you don't have to listen to me. You shouldn't. I'm not smart."

"Oh, baby, you're smart. You study, you get good grades, and that's just talking about school."

Connor shrugged, and Jude felt helpless. Connor was brilliant and wonderful, but he didn't know how to convince Connor of that. He couldn't _make_ Connor believe him, but Jude wished he could. For Connor to be confident and happy with himself, would be an amazing gift. Jude knew. Jude had struggled; Jude had been there. Jude had to come to terms with the fact that, while he didn't have the most attractive face or body in the world, it didn't mean he was unattractive or that he was any less because of his face and features. He still had other things to offer the world and there was plenty else about him.

"I, um, had a thought."

"I'd love to hear it," Jude said.

"I … said I wanted to plan a date for us and I found something I wanted to do with you. I was going to suggest next weekend b-but Taylor is going to be here. B-but it's over next weekend. So, we'd have to go tonight."

"I'd love to do something tonight," Jude said. "If you were up to it."

"We don't have to touch to like being together, right? We can be good without that?"

"Of course we can."

Connor took a deep breath. "You're strange."

"Maybe. Where did you want to go?"

"There's a night market," Connor whispered. "I thought … thought you might want to … go. Unless you've been there before."

"I went once, at the very beginning of freshman year," Jude said. "It was a long time ago. And I'd love to go again with you."

"It's open until eleven tonight," Connor said. "We can go before or after the readings. Whatever you prefer."

"I know it'll drive you nuts if we don't do this. And I know you'll stay up all night to get it done for tomorrow's lecture. You're allowed to tell me what you want."

"Not today," Connor whispered. "That's not a thing that I know how to know today."

"I understand," Jude said. "Let's read. I don't think we have _too_ much to do. Not a million pages, anyway."

"We never have a million – Oh." Connor had a small smile on his face. "No, not a million pages. It's only … twenty-three."

"That's a lot. The print is tiny!"

"It's really … not." Connor looked up at him. "Are you being dramatic on purpose?"

"A little," Jude said, pinching two fingers together. "Why? Am I annoying you?"

"No. It's a little funny. I'd like to read so we can go, if that's okay."

"Yeah, absolutely! Let's do this!"

Connor opened up his laptop, and he typed notes as they went. Jude was more the sort to scribble half-finished thoughts on sticky notes and then jam them into his book. They would read lines to each other, talk about things that confused them, and discuss the differences in the Ancient Greek and modern day English. Jude was trying not to talk too much this study session, though. He wanted to get through the reading because he wanted to take Connor out somewhere. He was worried about how Connor would deal with the crowded night market if he didn't even want Jude to brush up against him, but he hoped it was less crowded because it was a Sunday night.

Finally, Connor shut his book. "Odysseus was a sad character."

"Give me a sec," Jude said, and he rushed through the last couple pages. "Agreed. Sad character."

"I don't think I'm going to take another class like this. I like it, but I don't like it that much."

"Me either, to be honest. But it's been interesting. And it didn't take that much effort to pass, which is why I took the class. And I got to meet you, which was an unexpected bonus."

Connor smiled.

"Want to go check out the night market?"

"Yeah, I do."

Connor followed Jude out of the study room and to the parking lot where he'd left Gerald. He buckled himself in and waited until Jude was on the road before he tried to speak.

"Is it usually crowded? If … if you remember."

"Yeah, it was busy. Is that something you're worried about?"

Connor rubbed at his arms, and the movement caught Jude's eye. "It's not like I can wear a blanket in public."

He was already wearing long sleeves. He was wearing a black t-shirt under a blue and green plaid button up today. As usual, the sleeves were tightly buttoned around his wrists, while the front of his button up hung open.

"No," Jude had to agree. "You can't. You can wear a giant sweater, though."

"I didn't bring a sweater," Connor replied.

But Jude had. "There's one in the backseat you're welcome to."

"But you brought it for you."

"It's always good to keep a spare sweater in the back. You know, if anyone needs it."

"You're only in a t-shirt …"

"And I promise, if I get cold, I'll steal it back from you."

"Thank you." Connor reached into the back and pulled the sweatshirt into his lap. He spread it and read the name off the front.

"Yeah, my old school. My mom is still a vice-principal there. She keeps saying she'll retire after one more year, but she likes it, so I don't know if she ever will."

"I liked your moms."

"You keep saying," Jude said teasingly. "I'm starting to think you like them more than me."

"Oh!" Connor exclaimed. "Maybe."

Jude glanced over at his boyfriend, but had to refocus on the road. Connor said most everything in the same tone of voice, and so, Jude had to say, "I can't tell if you're joking or not."

"I am. I think I'd need to meet them again before I could say that."

Jude laughed. "So you think you _could_ like my moms more than me?"

"No, I don't think I could," Connor replied seriously. "But I don't think I've ever felt like this before about someone. You're more than just a …. a crush. And with him, I was in love with him so quickly. I never had the dating someone I like stage. Because I moved in with him. And it wasn't like we went out together. I'm sorry. I'm rambling."

"It's okay, Connor. It really is okay."

"It has to bother you that I talk about him."

"No. I mean, I don't get jealous or anything like that, if that's what you're thinking. Baby, I know you need to let it out and I'm glad that you trust me enough to do that with me. It only bothers me in that I hate that it happened to you. You really didn't deserve it, and I'm sorry you went through it."

Connor murmured something that sounded like 'didn't I?', but Jude didn't answer, because he wasn't sure that was what Connor had said and Connor really hadn't been talking to him.

"You're amazing, Connor."

"You are, Jude," Connor whispered.

Jude pulled into the field next to the night market and turned off Gerald. "Let's go be amazing together."

Connor pulled Jude's hoodie over his head. The sleeves were long on him, and Jude thought it was adorable how he had to push them up over his wrists to free his hands. Jude wanted to lean across the console and kiss him; Jude wanted to reach over and follow Connor's hands into the depths of the sleeves just so that he could hold him. He knew he couldn't. He wouldn't disrespect Connor like that, but Jude wanted to cuddle and hold him – he liked doing that – and it wasn't a personality trait that he was about to lose. He could be patient. Connor was extraordinarily affectionate most times, more than Jude could expect from him anyway.

"I like this," Connor said. "It's comfy. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Jude and Connor headed toward the night market, where there were lots of stalls and vendors set up in rows. The first one they passed was a sock stall, and Connor paused, picking up a long pair of dark blue socks covered in bright yellow rubber ducks. He held them up to Jude, eyeing him critically.

"Do you think I'd look good in them?" Jude asked. "I think they'd go to my knees, at least."

"I think you'd look good in a lot," Connor said. "But I'm having trouble picturing you in rubber duck socks."

"Does the knee high look turn you on?" Jude asked.

"Mmm." Connor put the socks back. "Not really. I … I, um, don't like the foot thing. I mean, I never …. Or it never, uh, did anything. Um. You?"

"No. It never did anything for me either." Jude realized he'd broken another rule. "I'm sorry for bringing up the sex thing."

Connor shrugged. "It's a better question than some. Did you eat supper?"

"No, I didn't. What about you? Are you hungry?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm. Well, what are you in the mood for?"

"Whatever you want," Connor said.

"Oh. I know! Let's get some hurricane fries!"

Connor stared blankly at him.

"Just tell me you trust me, baby."

"I … I trust you," Connor said.

"Let's go fry hunting!"

"I don't think fries are something you have to hunt."

"Have you ever seen a potato in the wild?" Jude asked.

Connor laughed. The smile stayed on his face as they started to walk further into the market. The stalls in the middle were more crowded than the ones around the middle and Connor pressed closer to Jude as they walked. Jude's hand twitched and he almost reached for Connor's, but he pulled himself back in. Connor would hold his hand when Connor was ready. They finally found the stall for the hurricane fries, which had a decently long line, but Jude was willing to wait for them. The hurricane fries were round and on a long stick. They could also be twirled in flavouring, and Jude's mouth watered at the thought of the BBQ flavoured ones.

"They look weird," Connor commented, reading the menu. Then, his nose wrinkled. "Cinnamon? On fries?"

Jude could have laughed at the concerned look on his face.

"Maybe some people really do have bigger problems than I do."

That time, Jude couldn't help but nearly double over, giggles escaping him every time he even attempted to breathe. He managed to whimper out, "I don't even know why it's so funny. But you're so funny."

"I'm serious!" Connor protested. "What kind of person puts cinnamon on fries?"

"I dare you to try it."

Connor made an indecisive noise.

"I'll try it with you."

"I don't see why we should both lose our taste buds."

"Why are you so hateful toward cinnamon fries?"

"I'm not allowed to be grossed out?" Connor asked. "I do sometimes have strong feelings about things."

"Of course, for both. It's just kind of funny."

Connor wrinkled his nose at Jude again, and Jude's heart skipped a beat. Connor was just amazing. He was attractive and amazing and funny and wonderful and Jude wondered how he'd gone nearly twenty-one years ignorant of his existence. Jude couldn't imagine not knowing Connor now.

Connor stepped up to the worker and ordered a sour cream and onion stick of fries. When he was done, Jude ordered his usual BBQ flavour and then he ordered a cinnamon one. He paid and then he stood next to Connor to wait. Connor stared at him for a moment, and then he tucked his nose under the collar of Jude's hoodie.

"You don't have to try it."

"Why would you buy it," Connor asked, "if you weren't going to make me try it?"

"Because you made me curious." Jude shrugged. "I'm not going to force you to eat something."

Connor dropped the hoodie away from his mouth. "That's something I'm not used to. I was in charge of the food. So I got to pick. I mean, as long as I used mushrooms a lot, he was happy."

Jude wasn't sure what to say to that, but, luckily, he didn't have to be awkward long. A worker leant over and handed Connor his fries. Connor held it by the base awkwardly and studied it.

"How do you eat this?" he asked. "Do you eat it like corn on the cob? I feel like I'd stab someone walking by if I did."

"There's picnic tables over that way … Or maybe that way. We'll find it. I won't let you stab someone."

"I don't want to stab anyone."

"You know," Jude mused, "I feel like that's something I should have known about you before now."

Connor ducked his nose under the edge of the hoodie again. Jude loved how Connor looked in his hoodie, even more than he liked how Connor looked in his pyjamas. Something about Connor wearing his clothes made him happy. Jude could have just stared at him, but the stall worker was holding his fries out, and Jude had to take his order.

"Can you grab napkins, baby? My hands are full."

Connor grabbed some from the stall and put them in the hoodie pocket, and then they set off toward where Jude thought the picnic tables were. Luck was on his side, and they managed to find an empty picnic table without too much trouble. He and Connor sat across the table from one another, and Connor started staring at his fries really critically. Connor looked at the end of his thin wooden stick and bit the first round fry off the top of the skewer.

"What do you think?"

"You still haven't told me how to eat it."

"I usually pull them off. I guess you could eat them off, but it's weird to hold."

Connor nodded, and he stared at the cinnamon stack of fries that Jude was holding. Then, he shook his head.

"Hey, Connor?"

"What?"

The moment Connor looked up, Jude at the top cinnamon fry off the top of the stick. Connor cringed, but he didn't look away. Jude slowly savoured the taste; he hadn't thought it would taste good, _really_ , but it didn't taste like what he was expecting. The cinnamon made him think it would taste like a pastry, but there was enough salt on the fries to remind him of what he was eating. He decided he liked it and used his teeth to pull off the second ring of fries, since his other hand was tightly clinging to his BBQ fries.

"What's it taste like?"

"Cinnamon. With a bit of salt. I kinda like it."

"Salty cinnamon," Connor said flatly.

"Yeah. I know it sounds weird, but I kind of like it. Do you want to try my BBQ one?"

"You haven't tried it yet," Connor said softly.

"I know what it tastes like. You can if you want."

"T-t-trade?" Connor proposed.

"You'll have to feed me."

Connor pulled one of his fries free and he held it across the table. Jude leant and took the fry out of Connor's hold with his teeth, careful not to awkwardly lick Connor's fingers. He offered Connor the BBQ stick of fries while he went back to gnawing on the cinnamon flavoured fries. Connor made a face at him.

"We can't all be dignified."

"That's not why I'm grossed out."

"Is it all cinnamon you've got a problem with?"

"It's just cinnamon on fries. Why, Jude, why? There's no good reason. There's no need for that."

"Seriously, baby, such hatred."

"I like the barbeque ones," Connor said.

"I like you."

Connor ducked his head, his cheeks going bright red. "But … why, Jude?"

"Because you're smart and sexy and funny and I could talk to you for hours and not get bored or sit next to you and not have to say a word and have it be okay and you cook and you're sweet and compassionate and I … like you. I can't put all of it into words, baby, and I'm sorry, because I know you'd like me to."

Connor pulled another fry off his stick, He ate it slowly. He didn't seem like he was getting ready to say anything, and so Jude asked what he was thinking. Connor ate another fry, and the he met Jude's eyes.

"I just don't understand. I don't know if I ever will." Connor toyed with the hoodie string, looking down. "I don't want to lose … you. How we are. I … I like it and I'm worried I'm going to keep breaking down and you're going to … get sick of it," he whispered.

"Connor, I know what I'm signing up for. I know that it's not going to be easy. I know we haven't known each other _that_ long, but I think we've known each other long enough for me to understand or, at least, to start understanding who you are and what your life is like. I want to be here for you. I'm not going to get sick of you. I mean, no one can know how long we'll be in each other's lives for but I hope that we're around for a while. I'm not going to wake up one day and text you and tell you that I want nothing to do with you. I promise. I hope you can trust it."

Connor stared at him.

"Please, say something."

Connor leant his elbows on the picnic table and Jude echoed his position. Connor reached over and he slid one of the cinnamon fries off Jude's stick and ate it. Jude watched his face carefully, but Connor didn't give anything away.

"Why try it?" Jude asked.

"Because you told me it was good and I trust you."

"Did you like it?"

"Hated it," Connor said. "I don't understand why people put cinnamon on fries."

Jude shook his head, and Connor reached out again, putting his fingers against Jude's bare wrist.

"I trust you," he repeated.

Jude felt himself go warm. Connor was so strange and so all over the place, but Jude wouldn't have him any other way. He would rather sit with Connor and help him through a difficult place over and over again than look for someone who was 'easy' to be with. Connor went back to picking at his own fries, and Jude watched him. Even his movements seemed demure and soft, like he was trying not to be noticed. But Jude noticed; Jude wanted to notice. Connor was careful not to pull at the fries with his thick fingers, not even wanting to rip the potatoes. He finished before Jude did, and he turned to face him. His eyes seemed dark against the night sky, and Jude just _really_ loved his eyes.

Jude quickly finished the rest of his fries. "Want to go back to looking around?"

Connor nodded. They stood from the picnic table and dumped their garbage. As they were starting into the thick of the market again, Jude felt Connor's hand tuck into his own, the thick edge of the hoodie sleeve caught between their palms. Jude squeezed Connor's fingers and Connor whispered, "I want to."

Jude was grinning as they walked through the stalls. There wasn't much to capture their interests in way of purchases, but they played with stuffed animals and looked at cell phone cases. It was nice just to wander around, searching their way through the vendors. There were a few booths of artists and posters, and Connor wandered around them.

"Do you even have wall space?" Jude teased.

"Well … there's the back of my door."

Jude laughed. They were to the last row of stalls and they came across a little florist. Most of their plants were hanging from glass bulbs, and they looked really pretty. Jude loved the one with the roses inside, but he had a suspicion that they probably wouldn't last long. Connor had circled around to the far side of the set up, and when Jude walked over, Connor was staring at a cactus display. Jude laughed a little to himself, but, like he did with most things about Connor, he found his little cactus problem cute.

"I don't need another one," Connor said when Jude got close.

"Hmm. You sure?"

"Mostly," Connor mused.

Jude picked up one of them – it was tall and skinny, with two small branches, like most cartoon cactuses looked. There was also a small bud near its head, which looked like it might turn into a flower. "What do you think of this one?"

"I like it."

"Then, I'll get it for you."

"Jude, I can't let you!"

"It's a seven dollar cactus, baby."

Connor stared at him, clutching his fingers together anxiously.

"Make you a deal."

"D-d-deal?"

"You take the cactus and I'll name the cactus."

"That … That's not much of a deal for you."

"I feel bad for your cactuses. All nameless like that."

"Is … is that all you'd want?"

"Yeah, of course. So, do we have a deal?"

Connor hesitated, but then he nodded. "Thank you, Jude."

Jude paid for the cactus and he went to hand it to Connor, but Connor shook his head.

"You need to name it first. That was the deal."

Jude held the small green cactus up to eye level. Then, he held it out to Connor again. "Meet Pokey."

"Pokey?" Connor repeated.

"I'm a psych major, not a creative writing major. Not sure what you expected of me."

Connor took the cactus from Jude and held it protectively. "Pokey."

"Your other ones are going to get jealous," Jude said. "You'll have to name them all."

"Oh. Well … I c-c-could just wait until y-y-you m-meet them. Y-y-you c-c-could d-do it." Connor bit down on his lip. "That way they won't get jealous of Pokey being named by someone else."

"You think I'd meet them?"

Connor hadn't even let Jude inside of his room to get a sweater. Jude knew that Connor liked his space and he understood how space could become sacred, especially to someone who had been abused. He didn't have any expectations of ever being let inside of Connor's dorm room. He didn't _need_ to be either; he and Connor could happily spend time at his place or going out together. But Jude liked the fact that Connor didn't hate the thought of Jude being in his space.

"I mean, not like t-t-tonight or anything. B-b-but y-y-you've never done anything to hurt me. I don't think you would. S-s-s-o, y-yeah, someday. I think. If we … this … doesn't ch-ch-change."

"Only for the better. Ready to walk again?"

Connor nodded. He didn't take Jude's hand again. He kept both of his hands wrapped around the pot of the cactus. They finished their lap around the night market, and Jude asked Connor what he thought.

"I liked it. Lots to look at." Connor took a deep breath. "I just like getting out of my room and your apartment, sometimes. I like … that we go places. Even if sometimes it gets overwhelming."

"I'll keep an eye out for places to go," Jude said. "We can always do something."

Connor nodded. "What time is it?"

"It is … almost ten," Jude said. "What are you thinking? Ready to go?"

"Uh huh. But … maybe n-n-n-not r-r-ready to say goodbye?"

"Sure. Thinking about anywhere in particular?"

"Your house?"

"Even after what we just talked about?"

Connor looked sheepish. "I'm s-s-sorry. I j-just thought …"

"Baby, it's okay. I'm just teasing. We can go if you want to."

Connor nodded eagerly, and they headed out. Connor walked close, so that their arms brushed. They were in sight of the parking lot, when Jude spotted something.

"Oh, Connor, wait. Can we do one more thing?"

"What?"

"Photo booth!"

"Photo booth?"

"Please?"

"Oh. Why d-d-do y-y-you want pic-pictures?"

"Because that's what you do when you hang out with someone? Photos so you can remember?" Jude shrugged. "If you don't want me to have pictures of you, I … understand. I'll delete the one at the costume shop too."

"I … No," Connor decided. "I don't mind you having pictures of me. Let's try it."

They headed over to the photo booth and stood in the short line. Before long, it was their turn next, and the attendant held out a box of props to them. Jude let Connor lean over and inspect them, but he didn't pick anything up; he just melted into Jude's side.

"Do you want a moustache?" Jude asked. "What about a top hat?"

Connor shook his head. "N-n-no, thank you. W-w-what about you?"

"No, I'm good. Are you okay? You've sounded a little shaky for the past little bit."

"No, I'm okay. Sometimes I think too much. That's all."

They were gestured into the photo booth. Jude slid in first, so that Connor could be on the curtained side. The attendant drew the curtain, and Jude started pressing buttons.

"Colour or black and white?"

"C-c-colour."

Jude hit that button on the touch screen and it started a five second countdown to the first of their five pictures.

"Let's get Pokey in the first one," Jude proposed.

Connor held it up between the two of them and the first photo flash. He lowered Pokey for the second one, and they put their arms around each other's shoulders. They got closer and closer until, for the last photo, Jude got up the courage to ask for a kiss.

"W-why?"

"Because I always see pictures like that. Please, baby?"

The screen announced that there was one more second before the photo would be taken and, just before the flash went off, Connor rested his hand on Jude's cheek and gently pulled him into a kiss. Jude closed his eyes and pulled him closer for a moment. He knew they couldn't kiss forever, especially in the photo booth, but he could pretend. Then, Connor leant against his hold and Jude knew that it was time to let go. Connor took Pokey in the palm of one hand and then Jude's hand with the other. They stood outside of the booth for a moment as their pictures printed, and then the attendant handed Jude three strips of paper with copies of their photos on it.

Connor waited patiently for Jude to start walking toward the parking lot.

"Do you still want to go back to my place for a little bit?"

"Yeah," Connor said.

They found Gerald and got in. Jude glanced at Connor as he started up the car; Connor was clasping his cactus protectively, holding the hoodie sleeves around his hands so that he could softly touch the spikes. Jude left the night market's parking lot and flicked on the radio for the short ten minute drive back to his place.

Despite Jude's best intentions, he couldn't keep his eyes entirely on the road. He kept glancing at Connor instead; his boyfriend was just _that_ amazing.

When they arrived at Jude's apartment, Connor clutched his cactus close as they walked down the hill to Jude's front door. Jude let him in and Connor took off his shoes and promptly placed Pokey on Jude's kitchen counter. He sat up on one of the stools, and turned to face Jude.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"Uh, that you look good in my sweater."

"Oh, do you want it back?" Connor was already starting to pull it over his head.

"No, baby. We can just trade."

Connor let the hoodie fall back around him. "Trade? Trade what?"

"I still have your sweater," Jude reminded him. "So, you keep mine and I'll keep yours? Because I really like wearing your sweater, baby."

"If that's okay, I'd like it."

Jude grinned and he leant against the counter next to Connor. "And I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to touch when we met up tonight and you ended up kissing me in the photo booth."

Connor reached up with both hands and, though they were covered with the hoodie sleeves and cradled Jude's cheeks. "Don't think I didn't want to. I wanted to kiss you in the photo booth."

Jude fished the photo strips out of his pocket and held them up. Connor leant and they looked at the pictures.

"What do you think?" Connor asked.

"I think we look really good together. And I hope you think the same thing."

Connor tilted the photos toward him and stared down at it for a little bit longer. Jude wondered what it was like for him to see himself with another man after his last relationship.

"I think … I think that … when I'm next to you, I … like how I look." Connor rested his head against Jude's bicep. "I like how we look."

Jude kissed Connor's shaggy hair, and he placed one of the photo strips in Connor's hand. "I'm going to stick mine with my other pictures."

Connor followed Jude over to his bookshelf, where Jude had a collection of framed photos. Jude knew that he had more photos – better photos, even – on Facebook, but he liked the thought of having his family members and friends right there in his apartment with him. He tucked the photo strip in the corner of his tallest frame, which was a family picture from Christmas when he was sixteen.

"Can you guess who's who?" he asked Connor.

"Oh! Um … Well, you, Stef, Lena. That has to be Callie."

"Has to?" Jude repeated. Connor was right; he just wanted to know what Connor was thinking.

"She has your eyes. And these two look too much alike, which means they're Mariana and Jesus. So that leaves Brandon, so that one is Brandon."

"Exactly."

Connor looked at a few other pictures, and then he reached for one. "Oh. May I?"

"Sure."

The picture he picked up was from the first summer that Jude had known Taylor. Daria had taken a photo of the two of them on the beach, before Jude had ended up taking at least a hundred of Daria and Taylor throughout the course of the day. Connor studied it, and then he held up the frame next to Jude's face. "You haven't changed a lot."

"I got taller."

"Yeah, you got taller," Connor agreed. He put the picture back. "Jude?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Would you mind if I … sent my dad one of the pictures of us? I … I'd like him to know what you look like."

"Sure. I don't mind. I mean, do you still want me to meet him in December?"

Connor nodded. He turned and wrapped his arms around Jude's waist. Jude held him back, and they just stood there for several long minutes, and then Connor started to shake.

"Are you okay?"

"I … I … I don't know anymore. I feel so all over the place. I think I should act one way and then I think I should act another way and then I end up being nothing."

"You're not nothing, Connor. You're never nothing. And you never have to act a certain way. You're allowed to just be you, baby. I like _you_."

Connor didn't say anything, but he buried his head further into Jude's shirt. Jude gently rubbed Connor's back, being careful not to let his hand get too close to Connor's waistband or too high up around his neck and shoulders. Connor exhaled heavily.

"Anything we can do?"

Connor lifted his head and met Jude's eyes. Jude stayed still, patiently waiting for Connor to make the first move. Then, Connor lifted onto his toes and kissed Jude. Jude spread his hands across Connor's back, holding him close for the few seconds that they kissed. Even as Connor settled back on his flat feet, Jude didn't want to separate, and he kept his forehead pressed to Connor's. Connor trailed his fingers down the length of Jude's arms. Connor picked up Jude's left wrist and he traced around it. Then, he pulled away from Jude to sit on the couch, wrapping the plaid blanket around himself as he did so.

Jude sat down on the opposite end of the couch, trying to judge Connor's face. All he knew about that expression was that it was the one Connor wore when he was thinking too heavily about the past and his ex. He knew that he couldn't do anything but wait for Connor; he knew that he couldn't take any part of those years away from his boyfriend to ease the burden on his shoulders.

"We don't really know each other," Connor said.

"Oh, I don't think that's true. We know each other more than enough, and we're still getting to know each other. We haven't known each other long, but we talk a lot, baby. I think I know you. I think you know me."

"I worry you underestimate how messed up I am."

"I like you. And the more I get to know you, the more I like you. Even with your … everything."

"What happens if it gets too much?"

"What if it doesn't happen?"

Connor shrugged the blanket off his shoulders, and then he pulled the hoodie over his head. He kept his head lowered as he undid the buttons of his left arm's shirt cuff. "Seeing is believing."

Jude didn't know what he was going to come face to face with. But then Connor extended his arm and flipped it over to show the underside of his forearm, and Jude's heart fell. His forearm was covered in a strange, round scar that looked _angry_. And there was a long, thin scar that looked delicate by comparison along his forearm lengthwise, cutting through the round scar.

"From when I was sixteen," Connor murmured. "Well, the big one …"

Sixteen. That scar was five years old and it still looked evil. Connor's hand dropped against Jude's leg, and Jude took it as a sign that he was allowed to touch Connor. He carefully touched his boyfriend's hand, watching Connor's expression all the while. Connor's face remained frozen, staring at his own arm, as Jude carefully touched his wrist, stopping just short of actually touching the round scar. It was the one Connor had pointed out. It was the one that Jude could talk about.

"Can I ask what happened?"

"We were in the kitchen. I was making dinner. The potatoes boiled over. I made a mistake. He was upset. He said they were ruined. That I was wasting money. And he grabbed my arm and he turned the burner up as high as it could go and he held me there. He … He, uh, um, actually had to take me to the hospital for that one. I told everyone there I did it to myself. That it was an accident. He was so sorry afterward. He doted on me the entire time I was healing. If he had stayed that way, I would have been happy to be with him forever." Connor closed his eyes. "But you don't want to hear it."

"Not really," Jude admitted. "But … I don't want to picture you with someone who would do this to you."

Jude bent and kissed Connor's scar.

"If it makes you feel better, I don't picture me with him anymore either."

"It helps." Jude held Connor's arm in both of his hands. "Is this why you only wear long sleeves?"

"Part of it. I don't want people looking at it. I don't want people asking. But I also just feel better that way. I don't like feeling exposed."

"Is it bothering you right now?"

"A little. But I don't feel like I'm going to freak out. You're … gentle."

Jude handled Connor as if he were made of glass. He brushed his thumbs over the scar and Connor shook. Jude glanced at Connor's other sleeve, still tightly buttoned, and he reached out and held that wrist before he could think about how Connor would react. Connor went rigid, and then he took a couple of deep breaths.

Jude rested his index finger on the button of Connor's closed sleeve. "May I?"

"We … I … um. Try, maybe."

"That's all I'm asking for, baby. I just want us to try."

Jude undid the button but, before he could push the sleeve, Connor started trembling. He paused, and went to button the sleeve back up.

"No!" Connor blurted. "I … I mean … It's going to be hard. I'll tell you when I need to stop."

"Sure?"

"Maybe … Yes."

Jude pushed Connor's right sleeve up over his elbow so that it matched his left sleeve. His right forearm was unscarred. There was just a few freckles lining his arm. His skin was pale from being hidden away and, when Jude flipped his arm over, he trailed his fingers along the thin layer of golden arm hair. He put Connor's arms together, just comparing the two. Connor was as malleable as a doll in his hands. Jude didn't really like the silence; he needed to know whether or not he was hurting Connor by what he was doing.

"Can you talk to me, baby?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever's on your mind."

"Y-you never do what I think you're going to do. I never how I feel like how I think I'm going to feel. I'm scared, but not because of what I think you're going to do. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, Jude, but I can't stop it. I would if I could."

"You're amazing." Jude kissed Connor's scar again. "You're strong. You've had so many things that could have destroyed you but you didn't let them. And you're here and you're trying with me and you've come so far. We're not going to push anything too far. Baby, I don't want to break you. I know this is hard and I'm not about to reach out and put my hands on your face or anything. I know that would be a deal breaker. I want to be here for you. I want to help you heal."

Tears slipped down Connor's cheeks. "Please don't touch my face."

"I won't."

"I know that."

Jude looked up from Connor's wrists to meet his eyes. All he could think of was how beautiful Connor was. Sometimes Jude was struck dumb by just how much Connor had made it through, even in the few short months that they had known one another. Connor bit his lip and then he leant forward, millimetre by millimetre until their lips had brushed. Connor inhaled sharply at the contact, and Jude wondered at it, but he forgot that the moment Connor pressed forward, deepening the kiss. Jude's hands slid up Connor's arms so that he was clutching near Connor's elbows.

"Yes," Connor murmured against his lips.

"Yes what?" Jude breathed.

"Yes, I like who I am with you," Connor said.

Then, Connor kissed him again.

(-.-)

Connor felt Jude's hands slip to his waist, and he kissed Jude again. He wondered if Jude noticed he was still crying; he knew there was no way that Jude didn't. But he felt better in Jude's hands. He didn't understand. He didn't understand how it was so easy to show Jude the layers of himself. They were things that he kept hidden. His father hadn't even seen the scar since the December days that Connor spent in the hospital. But there was no judgement in Jude's eyes. Adam looked at him and Connor saw guilt and regret clearly on his face, and Connor tried to hide himself so that his father didn't have to feel that.

Jude didn't have any of that. Jude didn't look at him like he was lesser than, either, which was how Connor saw himself whenever he looked in the mirror. Connor would look at himself and stare at the scars and the marks that his ex had left behind and he would feel the urge to grab a knife and carve them out. Jude calmed him. Jude was peaceful and sweet.

Jude's hands slipped up Connor's body, and they touched the sides of Connor's button-up. Connor felt as if he'd chugged a gallon of ice water and his insides were freezing. Jude was going to try to take it off.

"What are you doing?" Connor whispered, his voice shaking.

 _Quiet, Connor, you're going to love it._

 _I know you like this._

 _You love it when I hold you, don't you?_

 _Trust me, Connor. It'll be okay if you trust me._

"I just thought …" Jude took a deep breath and leant back from Connor, putting his hands in his lap. "I got a little carried away. We don't have to go there."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Connor pulled his sleeves down and buttoned them back up, hiding the scar away. He felt better with it hidden. But now Jude knew that it was there. He wondered what Jude would think of his other scars. They were more hidden and Connor didn't know if he could ever picture himself being shirtless in front of Jude. Then again, he never thought that Jude would see that scar either. He never thought he would kiss anyone or like being held by anyone and Jude turned his world upside down.

And Connor didn't hate it.

He, who had stuck to routine and had taken great pains to try to figure out his world and know how to navigate it, was now more than okay with letting Jude sweep him off his feet. He pulled the plaid blanket up over his shoulders and then he held his arm open. Jude smiled and tucked himself under Connor's arm, and Connor felt relief sweep over him. He'd been worried that Jude would look at him differently after seeing the scars, but nothing in Jude's face had changed.

Jude wrapped his arms around Connor's waist. "Thank you for trusting me."

Connor wasn't sure what to say to that. It wasn't as if he ever made a conscious decision to trust Jude; he just _did_. And Connor always just went with what felt right with Jude. When it felt right to give him more puzzle pieces to his past, he did. Connor didn't think that it was completely fair to Jude for Connor to put him through the things Connor did without, at least, attempting to offer an explanation why. Connor could _show_ Jude how _broken_ he was; he could show him the cracks and wounds from his years of hell. But Jude still didn't turn him away.

Jude shifted his position against Connor and he took Connor's left hand. He pulled Connor's arm across his body and he caressed around his wrist.

Maybe he wasn't as fine with it as Connor had thought. He was scared to ask. He hadn't thought about what he would do if Jude turned him away, because he hadn't thought about Jude doing so. Part of him expected it, because he was terrible and he deserved abandonment, but Jude didn't act like he would. Jude didn't seem like he would just throw Connor away. Jude had said he was _proud_ they were together; Jude had taken him to meet his parents.

Jude held Connor's hand and wrist to his chest, over his heart. Connor had to close his eyes and will himself not to cry as Jude pressed a kiss to his fingers and then to his wrist. He didn't deserve to be touched so gently. Jude didn't deserve to pay for Connor's ex's sins.

"I won't ever hurt you," Jude said.

"I worry I'll hurt you," Connor whispered. "I-I-I-I w-wouldn't h-h-hit y-y-you but there's s-s-so much _wrong_ with _me_."

"Oh, baby. It's hard. I know that. I try to, at least. But I think you like me. I think you trust me enough that we can work out together. What do you think?"

Jude looked up at him, and Connor thought that Jude was more than he'd ever deserve. Jude _wanted_ to be here with him and, though Connor's brain could comprehend that, his heart just didn't get it. His heart didn't understand why Jude would care so much about him, given that they'd only met in September, and sometimes his heart worried about it, because his ex had cared about him very quickly too. But his ex and Jude cared in different ways. No one could ever accuse them of having any similarities.

"I think that I like you."

"Good."

Jude was still looking up at him, and, because he could, Connor leant forward and kissed him. Jude's lips were soft, but his hand clutched tightly at Connor's. Connor flexed his fingers and leant away. He didn't understand what Jude was trying to tell him. People were hard to read.

"What?" Jude asked.

"You … squeezed me. It … It w-was … I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say."

Jude tightened his hand around Connor's again. "My thoughts can get away from me sometimes too."

"Oh." Connor bit his lip. He didn't know what to do about that. "M-may I ask?"

"Sometimes I think about pushing it. I know it's not time to try it. I _know_. But I'm only human, baby. And I really like you. And you're really hot."

Connor frowned. He sorted through everything that he _knew_ to be true and then he sorted through everything that he believed. Jude did so much in this relationship. "Tell me what you want."

"What?"

"What you want," Connor said. "What you want me to do. I'm good at listening. I can listen. I can … be okay. Whatever you want."

"Oh, Connor, no. No, that's … that's not what I want at all. I don't want you to do anything with me because you think you _should_ or because I'm telling you to. If anything ever happens, I want it to be because we both want it and we're both ready for it to happen. That's what I want."

"Oh." Connor took a deep breath, and he touched the edge of Jude's jaw. Jude tilted his head into Connor. "Do you mean that?"

"Yeah, of course. I wouldn't say it if I didn't. Why? Do you not believe it?"

"I want to. It … It sounds really nice to me, Jude."

"Are you feeling okay?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. "Yeah. I feel … like I just jumped out of a plane. And I need some time to realize that I just jumped out of a plane."

Jude chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I get that."

Jude kissed Connor's fingers again and Connor held him closer. They melted into the couch, facing one another. Jude turned the T.V. on to a channel that had a black screen and played nothing but music. Jude hadn't really let go of Connor's left hand and wrist yet; he kept toying with Connor's fingers.

"Can I see it again?"

"Why?"

"I don't know." Jude's voice dropped, "I knew you went through a lot. But you were right. Seeing is believing and I can't explain it much better. I'm just sorry it happened to you."

"It's okay if you want to look at that one."

"I hate that there's more than one. I'm just sorry, Connor."

"Everyone is," Connor sighed. "Everyone but the one person that needed to be."

"Why wouldn't you run away?"

"He's the only person that loves me. I need … needed him. Mom had barely just died; Dad hated me. I didn't have anyone else. And then I got used to it and he got in my head and I couldn't have. Even if I had thought to."

Jude undid the button on his cuff and peeled his sleeve back to his elbow again. Connor shook as Jude touched his bare skin. He wasn't used to it. Not since the doctors had anyone done so, but, really, the last person he remembered touching him was his ex. Jude pressed the pad of his thumb to the middle of Connor's round scar, near the end of the long scar. His ex-boyfriend had to work overtime to achieve the gentleness that came to Jude so naturally. Even then, Connor thought that his ex wasn't even close to anything Jude was.

Connor felt tears gather in his eyes again but, unlike last time, they didn't slip out quietly. He broke down and heaved sobs so great they shook his entire body. And Jude just held him. He didn't say anything. Somehow, that meant more to Connor than if he had whispered meaningless words. There was nothing to be said. There was nothing that could be done. Sometimes, Connor just had to give into how much he hurt and how hard he found life to be and let himself cry.

Jude rubbed his back and softly hummed with the song in the background. Connor sniffled out an apology.

"You don't need to be sorry, baby. That's what we're here for: to support each other."

"I don't want to be like this," Connor choked out, feeling as if he were going to drown in his tears.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to make it better."

Connor didn't say anything to that. He pulled Jude tight against his chest and Jude tucked his head underneath of Connor's chin. Jude's hand still clung to his, even as the limbs were trapped between their two chests. Connor could feel the slow beat of Jude's heart against the back of his hand, and Connor forced himself to focus on that. He took deep breaths in time with Jude's heart, until he no longer felt like he was about to crumble into pieces.

He stared to sit up, and Jude moved out of his hold, to the other side of the couch. Connor took a long breath, taking in the fact that he had space. Jude allowed him to have space. And Connor didn't even need to say it. He reached up to run a hand through his hair, and his sleeve opened around his wrist. He went to tug it back down and button it, but then he thought twice about it. Dr. Scott always told him to not sit in his comfort zone all the time and to push it a little bit. Connor knew that he had pushed a lot tonight, but he didn't see the harm in trying to leave his sleeves rolled up tonight. Jude had already seen him and Jude hadn't turned him away yet.

Connor rolled up his other sleeve to match. He touched the edge of his big scar and then he put his arm down. Even with the scar face down, though, he could still see the dark edge of it curling around his forearm. Connor tore his eyes away from it, as hard as it was. Even when he was alone, he kept his sleeves tightly buttoned.

"You're beautiful, Connor."

Connor's cheeks went warm. "It's late."

"Do you want to go?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Not really."

Connor leant against the back of the couch and just stared at Jude. Jude mimicked his position.

"So," Jude said, "One year, when I was fifteen, there was a carnival type thing that Taylor, Daria, Dylan, and I went to. I think it was right before Dylan and I started dating. And Daria had gotten her hands on some alcohol, so we poured it into our soda. And, after that we went on rides. And we were on the Scrambler when Dylan threw up on me. And I still dated him after that," Jude said, laughing about it.

Connor shakily laughed too. "It sounds … gross."

"It was mostly on my shoes," Jude said. "I spent the night in very cheap flip flops, worried that our parents would figure out what we were doing. But I did a lot of things like that … You know, trying stuff because Taylor or Daria had it and I wanted to be with them."

"Like peer pressure?"

"I mean, I know I could have said 'no'. I just didn't. I wanted to try it too."

"What's 'it'?"

"Just alcohol. Cigarettes, once. Which I _hated_. I just stick to a drink every so often."

"You … didn't seem bad with it on Halloween."

"I don't think I am. But, hey, that's probably the same opinion I'd have if I were an alcoholic … an unaware alcoholic." Jude stretched his legs across the coffee table. "I don't need to get a beer gut at twenty; I'd _never_ get rid of it."

"You're almost twenty-one. Next Thursday, right?"

"Right."

"What do you want for your birthday?"

"You don't need to get me anything, baby."

"I can't do nothing, though," Connor protested. "I … I could make you dinner. And a cake. Something you really like."

"Okay, I like the sound of that!" Jude said, and Connor liked the excitement on his face. He wanted Jude to be happy.

"On your real birthday? Or are you going home?"

"Nah, I took that weekend off so I'm going home for that. I'd love to spend my real birthday with you."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "What do you want me to make?"

"The shrimp thing? Please? And something with lots of icing."

"I can put lots of icing on the shrimp thing."

Jude laughed. "I trust your cooking, but I don't know if I trust that."

"I'll make sure you like it."

"Chocolate, please!" Jude said with a grin.

"Okay. I can do that."

"But it's not until _next_ Thursday," Jude whined. "That's over a week away!"

"You'll live."

"Definitely. I'll just live in anticipation."

"It's late," Connor mused.

"I know. It doesn't mean you have to go, though."

"I can't stay tonight, you know that," Connor said. "You can't con me into staying again."

"That wasn't a con!" Jude protested. "But all right, baby, I'll take you home."

As Jude got up, Connor buttoned his sleeves back up and then he pulled Jude's sweater back over his head and hugged it tightly to him. It was just a sweatshirt, but it felt like more than that. They had traded. It was give and take, and then take and give. Connor wasn't giving and left being desperate for something in return; Jude gave back to him to. If Connor were being honest, he'd have to admit that Jude gave a lot more to this relationship than Connor did, if only because Jude could afford to. Jude had those things. Connor was giving all that he could, but he worried that, eventually, it wouldn't be enough and Jude would want more.

"Don't forget your little friend," Jude said.

"That's what you said last time."

"How many cactuses do you have now? Total."

"Oh. Um … Maybe twelve."

Connor slid his copy of their photo booth pictures into the front pocket of the hoodie and then he picked up Pokey. He really _was_ going to run out of room in his tiny dorm for cactuses, but he couldn't stop himself. There was just something about them that he really liked.

Jude held the front door open for Connor and he stepped out into the cool night. He looked up toward the dark sky, catching a glimpse of a star or two above the lights of the town. Jude came up beside him, and Connor felt a kiss press to his shoulder.

"Why?"

"Why not? Am I not allowed to kiss your shoulder?"

"If you want to make out with your sweater, I guess that's your business."

"Only because you're the one in it. I wouldn't make out with my sweater otherwise."

"If you say so."

Jude kissed the top of his shoulder again, and then kissed closer to Connor's neck, working his way in a slow line until he'd kissed Connor's cheek. Connor loved it. Connor loved the little bit of affection and he was so glad that he was able to let go a little bit and have Jude touch him. He hadn't even thought of how touch could feel _good_.

"Do it again, please," he whispered, and Jude did. Connor didn't even have to turn his head to know that Jude was smiling. He could just _feel_ that Jude was happy.

"Didn't you say something about going home?" Jude asked, and he lifted his head. Connor wasn't sure where he was intending to go with it, but the next thing he knew, Jude had squeaked out an 'ow' and was violently shaking his hand.

"What happened?"

"Pokey stabbed me!"

"He's not malicious, Jude."

"I was stabbed!"

"Maybe you deserve it. Maybe you should have done better."

Connor was looking down at the floorboards of the small patio, but he saw Jude's feet as his boyfriend took a step away from him. Connor _knew_ he'd said the wrong thing; he knew that he'd said things that would hurt and scar. He knew. He'd been there. But sometimes things found him blurring the lines and he wasn't thinking of the world that he was standing in now but the one that he had been in where his ex had been a boyfriend and Jude Adams Foster didn't exist.

"No, Connor," Jude said. "You didn't deserve what happened to you. No matter what he said. You didn't do anything."

Connor touched the top of his cactus. "I should go home now."

"Okay, let's go."

Connor curled into Gerald's passenger seat. Jude was quiet as he drove and guilt started to set in on Connor.

"I … I'm sorry, Jude. Even if I'm in a bad mood, it doesn't mean I should be allowed to be mean to you. I don't like it. I don't want to be. I … I don't have anything to make it better."

"Sorry helps when I know you mean it." Jude glanced over at smiled, and Connor felt warm.

"I do mean it." Connor touched one of Pokey's spikes. "And … I'm sorry I've been all over the place today."

"I try to understand it, baby. Right now, it's okay. Someday it'll probably be harder for me to handle than today was."

"But you wouldn't lie to me."

"No. I wouldn't."

Jude pulled into the nano parking lot and found a parking space. He cut the engine and then turned in his seat to face Connor. Connor unbuckled his seatbelt to face Jude. He felt nervous and he tightened his grip on Pokey's pot. "You know, baby, I … No, no, calm down. I'm going to tell you what I'm thinking, I just need to collect my thoughts."

"I'm sorry," Connor murmured, and he bowed his head. "I just don't like feeling like something being kept from me. I like knowing things."

"I know. That much, at least, I know about you."

Connor managed to crack a smile at that.

"I was going to say that I try to understand and I hope I do a good job. I just hope you understand back why sometimes I can't be perfect."

"I don't expect you to be perfect," Connor blurted. "I barely expect you not to hate me."

"Well, I can definitely succeed there."

Connor bit down on his lip. "And … and … s-s-sometimes I … I'd like you to, um, kiss me."

"Like now?"

"Yeah." Jude reached forward and gently wrapped his hands around Connor's wrists. "I don't want to get poked again."

"C-c-could you not hold them both?"

Jude's other hand dropped to rest across the top of his leg, and Connor was able to take a deep breath. He leant forward and was met with Jude's lips. He could only kiss him for a moment, but Jude seemed to sense that, and he just pressed their foreheads together. Connor was okay with that; he liked Jude's casual closeness that didn't feel fraught with expectations.

"How'd I get to meet _you_?" Jude asked.

"Someone's clearly out to get you."

"I wasn't thinking of you as a punishment."

"You're the miracle," Connor corrected. "I'm the lucky one."

"No one's ever called me a miracle before."

"I mean that too."

"Can I kiss you again?"

Connor flexed his arms and Jude immediately let go of him. Connor slid Pokey onto the dashboard and then he cradled Jude's face in his hands, letting his fingers touch Jude's cheeks. His middle finger touched a patch of stubble that Jude had missed that morning and Connor just took a long inhale. Then, he gently pulled Jude toward him until he was caught in Jude's kiss. He tightened his grip against Jude's cheeks and Jude's arms wrapped around him, pulling Connor tight. His heart picked up speed in his chest and some instinct whispered _too close_ but there was a louder roar that sounded like Jude's name and Connor _liked_ it. He didn't know if he was allowed to like it or if he should but he _did_ and he wanted the closeness that Jude was pulling him into. The front of his ribs dug into the console but Connor didn't care. He closed his eyes and kissed his boyfriend like he was _whole_ and like he had a right too.

His life was his own now, and Connor needed to take it back. He could take it back by kissing who he wanted to and he wanted to kiss Jude. He wanted to kiss a boy and not feel guilty that it was a boy and that it was a boy who wasn't his ex and – Jude made a small noise against his mouth and fear went straight up and down Connor's spine. But it wasn't _scary_ like cowering in a corner, waiting for his ex to bear down on him. It was scary like something new; it was scary like something he didn't know what to do about. But Jude wasn't going to judge him for not knowing how to navigate it, so Connor let one hand slide to the back of Jude's head. Connor felt the tip of Jude's tongue against his lips and he knew that it was too far; it was too much for tonight and he didn't want to push his relationship with Jude until something broke. He gave Jude one last kiss, and then he sat back, biting his lip.

"Too much, baby?" Jude asked, though he sounded a little dazed.

"Just enough," Connor whispered. "I, um, think that's my limit for right now."

"That's okay." Jude took a deep breath, and, even in the dim light of the car, Connor could see how bright his eyes were. "Goodnight, baby. See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," Connor echoed, and he picked up Pokey and let himself out of the car. Before he shut the door, he turned around to look at Jude again. "Text me when you get home, please?"

"Always. Goodnight."

"Night."

Connor shut the door behind him and headed inside. He took the stairs up to his room and let himself in. He locked the door behind him, checked that the bathroom was still empty, and then checked that his window was still locked. As he stood there, he counted the small cactuses that he had managed to cram into the narrow space. Including the two he had gotten with Jude, he had thirteen cactuses. He placed Pokey next to the other one he'd bought with Jude, and then he reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out the pictures of him and Jude. He sat down in his desk chair and he just stared. That was him, with his arms around someone else; that was him, kissing someone else. He dug his roll of tape out of his box of school supplies and flipped the photo strip over. That was when he realized he'd ended up with two copies of their pictures. He wondered if Jude would want the second copy, and then he thought about how _he_ wanted the second copy. If Jude asked, he'd give it back, but, until Jude did so, he would keep it.

Connor taped one strip of the photos next to his window. The other, he folded carefully so as not to bend their faces, and then he slid it into his wallet. He unfolded his bed and was straightening the blankets out when he got Jude's home safe text. Connor smiled at it for a moment, before wishing Jude a final goodnight, and then he gathered up his pyjamas and went into his bathroom to change. He faced his small mirror. When he took off his button-up and his t-shirt, he looked at his torso. He traced the scar around his wrist, trying to be as gentle with himself as Jude was with him. He touched the long scar that Jude hadn't asked about. But then he moved on, across the scar on his collar bone that Jude had seen briefly, and then down to the other scars. Most of them were from the same incident, but some of them … weren't. He touched the mess that was the skin over his ribs, and then he was about to touch of the ones that were lower on his torso, but he had to turn away. He couldn't do it, and he couldn't let Jude ever see it. Connor would always be broken. People had tried to heal him before, but the cracks still showed through. Connor pulled on the long sleeved shirt he always slept in, and then he reached for Jude's hoodie. He knew he'd overheat during the night, between the sweatshirt and his pyjama pants, but he would rather be warm.

He turned out his bathroom light and tucked himself into bed. He curled the long arms of the sweater around his hands and he tucked his nose under the collar of the hoodie. After that, it was easy to fall asleep.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Break Your Heart**_ **by The Gaslight Anthem. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	27. Dancing On Glass

Connor spread the black t-shirt out in front of him on the study room table. There was a rainbow American flag on it, which looked more like it was dripping paint than anything else.

"I just think that it'd be good if some of us wore them," Jake said. "Just for some publicity, you know? Trying to get people wonder where you got them."

Across the table from Connor, Brandy stripped off the green halter top that she was wearing. Connor averted his eyes as she pulled on one of the pink t-shirts they'd made.

"I still think rhinestones would have been great."

"You've got enough on your nails," Caitlyn said.

Brandy held out her hands. "Nah. You can never have enough diamonds." Then she plastered her dark hands across the hot pink top. "Do you think I look good?"

"Yeah, you look great in bright colours," Caitlyn said.

"So, what do you think? Do you want one, Connor?"

"My, uh, boyfriend does, actually," Connor said.

"Sure. Large fit him too?" Caitlyn asked. "We have that one in a small and a medium if it won't."

"Try a medium," Connor answered.

Caitlyn threw the shirt at him and Connor caught it. He slid the large shirt back to her and then folded up the medium one and put it carefully into his back pack.

"We need to come up with places to sell them," Caitlyn said.

"We should check table availabilities in the student union and see if any of them fit our schedules. Anyone's allowed to have one of those," Jake suggested.

"My girlfriend is president of the GSA," Brandy said. "She already said she'd take some to their meetings."

"Don't forget to post about them on Facebook and Instagram and stuff too. We'll get the website out there," Caitlyn said. "Oh. We'll put them in, like, the buy and sell groups too. Whatever it takes."

"Okay. So, this week most of tables in the SU are booked for this week. There's one from noon to three on Friday, though. Does that fit anyone's schedule?"

"I can do _two_ to three," Caitlyn volunteered.

"I can do noon to one-thirty?" Brandy said. "I have a hair appointment."

"I'll fill in the half an hour," Jake volunteered.

Connor frowned, feeling guilty. "I can do some time. Um, next week. Tuesdays in the morning are my best days."

"Sure. We can book that now," Jake said. "Uh. So, earliest tables are … ten. What do you think about ten to noon? Two hours isn't bad."

"Sure, no problem."

"And I have some time between my tutor and my first class, so I can come check on you and see if you need a pee break or something," Brandy said.

"Thank you."

"So, is there anything else we need to get to?" Jake asked.

Connor bit his lip, trying to think, while Caitlyn and Brandy shook their heads. It only took a shrug of Jake's skinny shoulders to send the two girls packing. Connor, as usual, took his sweet time getting his things together. Usually, he was the last one to walk out of group meetings. This time, when he looked up, Jake was standing in the doorway, looking for all the world like he was _waiting_ for Connor. Connor's breath caught in his throat and he shouldered his back pack.

"Hey," Jake said. "Do you like basketball?"

"B-basketball?"

"Yeah. Like, I have tickets to this Saturday's game … Actually, my girlfriend buys season tickets for the campus team, but that's not the point. She can't go to this week's game and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out outside of the project."

"Oh. Uh, can I let you know later?"

"Yeah, whenever. Just e-mail me or whatever."

"Okay," Connor agreed.

"See you later!" Jake called.

"Bye!"

Connor shut the study room door behind the two of them, and then he took another route out of the library so that he wouldn't cross paths with Jake again. Go to a basketball game? With a man? Who wasn't his boyfriend? It would be a mistake. He should have just said no to Jake outright – anything else was disrespectful to Jude. Connor nearly reached for his phone to call his boyfriend, but then he thought about how he was seeing Jude tomorrow for classes. They could talk then. Even better, Connor was going over to Jude's _after_ classes to do their homework. It would be better to do it while they weren't in public, in case Jude had anything to say about it.

Connor took a deep breath. He had a plan. He could do better with a plan.

(-.-)

Connor couldn't concentrate on his textbook at all. He was sitting cross-legged on his usual end of Jude's couch, while Jude was stretched out along it, his legs over Connor's lap. Connor had his textbook propped up against Jude's shins. They'd been like this for fifteen minutes, but Connor had barely gotten through half of his first page. He was nervous about talking to Jude about Jake, even though he _knew_ he had to tell Jude that Jake had asked him to hang out and even though he was going to tell Jake that they couldn't hang out. He tapped his fingers against his textbook.

"Something on your mind, baby?" Jude asked. "You've been twitching."

Connor closed his textbook and faced Jude. Jude slid one arm behind his head and peeked at Connor over the top of his book, though Connor could tell that Jude was still half-heartedly reading what was in front of him.

"What would you say if I said someone asked me to go out on Saturday night?"

"Have fun," Jude replied.

"What if it was another guy, though?"

"Have fun." Jude shut his textbook and tossed it on the coffee table. Connor flinched at the thud; he didn't know whether the closing of the book was a good or a bad sign. Jude tucked his hands behind his head. "What's happening Saturday night?"

"Jake has tickets to a basketball game. Or, his girlfriend does, but she can't go. So he asked me. I don't know why."

"Because friends are generally made by doing stuff together?" Jude asked. "Jake's the guy you're doing the project with? The guy from the library that day?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to go?"

"I don't know."

"That's the only question. If you want to go, go. Have fun. Taylor's coming down this weekend, so it's not like we have plans. You might want to hang out with someone else. Friends are important."

"You wouldn't be worried?"

"About what? He's got a girlfriend. You've got a boyfriend."

"Doesn't mean he's not … bisexual. Or pansexual. Or whatever."

"And that doesn't mean he wants to kiss you." Jude paused, frowned, and propped himself up on his elbows. "Okay, so you're hot enough to make anyone want to kiss you. The point is, I like my fantasy world where everyone is faithful. And I know you _are_ faithful. Friends are friends. You need someone to talk to that's not me."

"You don't talk to anyone."

"I talk to Taylor," Jude laughed. "And a couple of people from work and I are planning on going to a concert in early December, I think."

"The only person you talk about from work is Jason. And that's just to complain."

"Rita, Jeremy, Benjamin, and I started this in my first year of university. We're not close like we hang out on the weekends, but they're the type of people I talk to every now and then. I'd invite you to the concert, but we usually sleep in Jeremy's van and I don't want to do that to you. If you wanted to come, you could."

Connor bit down on his lip. "We're off-topic."

Jude sat up so that he and Connor were nearly face to face. "Go, if you want to. Don't go if you don't want to. If you need me, you can call me. Neither Taylor nor I will be upset if you do. I want you to be happy. Friends are good. I'm not worried about you falling for someone else, or just making out with someone else because you can. I'm not much of the jealous type … anymore."

Jude kissed his cheek, and Connor frowned.

"What is it that you want me to say, baby?"

Connor shrugged helplessly.

"What is that you _expect_ me to say?"

"You … don't want to know. Nothing that I should expect of you. It's … I feel like you should control me more."

Jude took a deep breath and leant backward again, supporting himself on his hands. Connor looked away, picking at one of the buttons on his shirt.

"That's … not how a relationship works, Connor."

He knew. He knew better. At least, he should have it figured out by now. But sometimes he didn't and he felt so _stupid_ , because it was knowledge that everyone had. No; it wasn't just about the knowledge that people had. It was the fact that they knew how to use it. Other people understood that wasn't how relationships worked and didn't find themselves in relationships like that and they didn't expect it from relationships they were in that clearly weren't like that. Connor looked up at Jude, but his boyfriend didn't look mad. But he didn't look _happy_ either; there was something negative on Jude's face that made Connor swallow, though his throat and mouth were completely dry.

"I don't like how you see the world sometimes. And I know it's not about me, but I'm the one who's here! I'm the one who's sitting here and giving you _no_ reason to think about me or you or us that way and … And I just …" Jude flopped back against the couch. "It's not something you can fix in an instant and it's not something I want you to hide from me. I'm just frustrated. And that's not your fault either so, please, don't do that."

 _Oh_.

Connor pulled his knees up to his chest, dislodging Jude's legs. He ducked his forehead to his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs and torso, trying to protect himself. He grappled with his thoughts, trying to reconcile the facts that he thought _expected_ it to hurt, he knew that Jude would never hurt him. He peeked at Jude, who was just watching him, and then he tipped over so that he was in Jude's lap. Several thoughts overwhelmed him at once, and he was ashamed that the first few were terrible. He hated that he thought about how vulnerable he was like this and how he thought of what was between Jude's legs and how, if he had been close to his ex like that, he wouldn't have been allowed to just lie there – not for too long, anyway; it always turned into sex with his ex-boyfriend. Jude let out a sigh, and Connor tensed. He didn't know what was coming.

Then, he felt Jude's hand against him.

Jude rubbed up and down the length of Connor's arm, trying to comfort him. "I'm not mad at you, baby, okay? I'm just mad about the whole situation."

"My whole life," Connor corrected.

"It wasn't your whole life. You spent more time without him than with him."

"It never felt like that," Connor whispered. "It felt like he was everything. No, he _was_ everything. How it was with him wasn't right, and I knew that, b-b-but I loved him. I can't take that away, Jude, and I'm _sorry_."

"I know you are. It's not your fault. Nothing is your fault."

"Some things have to be."

"Nothing relating to your ex is your fault," Jude amended. "It messed you up. You're still trying to find a normal. I know you're working on it. You seem better, sometimes. Therapy has to be helping."

"I feel like it is." Connor rested his hand against Jude's leg. "You help too."

"That doesn't hurt to hear." Jude bent to kiss Connor's cheek, and Connor felt comforted. Jude felt happier. "And, to the point, do what makes you feel happy and comfortable, okay? I trust you. And you don't need my permission to do any of that."

"You don't want to know what I'm doing?"

"I'd like it if you told me what you were up to, but you don't have to tell me what you're doing every second of every day. I don't think you're up to anything bad. I _trust_ you."

"I don't know what I want to do."

"Take some time, figure it out. If you don't want to go to the basketball game, suggest getting … coffee or something? I know meeting knew people is a big deal for you."

"Okay. I'll think about it." Connor sighed.

"Are you okay?"

"I think so."

"Do you want to do some more reading and then we can make something for supper?"

Connor turned his head. "Do you even know what we're making?"

"Uh." Jude looked confused, and just as Connor was starting to feel let down, Jude grinned. "Of course, baby. We bought taco shells. That's kind of hard to miss."

"You pay attention. And I like that."

"You're easy to pay attention to."

"Because of how I look," Connor said flatly.

"And you're interesting! And I like listening to you talk! And knowing your thoughts! And, yeah, I like how you look. It's hard for me to take my eyes off of you, baby."

Connor scrunched his nose up.

"You're adorable when you do that."

Connor put his hand over his nose. "I don't know what to do with my face now."

Jude laughed, but Connor didn't feel like it was at him. Then, Jude kissed his forehead. "You'd look cute no matter what you did with your face."

Connor thought about it, then he let his hand fall away, and he pulled the most ridiculous face that he could think of. He felt self-conscious as he crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. He let the expression go after only a second; his heart was hammering too much. Jude was still smiling.

"Cute," he repeated. "Very cute."

Connor didn't know what to think about that. He wasn't sure how Jude could see him that way. But he _wanted_ to believe Jude. He wanted to believe in all that Jude said and did; he wanted to believe in how Jude made him feel. Connor reached up with one hand and pressed it against Jude's chest, feeling his heartbeat.

"I'm glad I met you."

"That doesn't hurt to hear either."

"Jude?"

"What?"

"Do you even like my hair?"

"Yes, baby, I even like your floppy hair." Jude raised his eyebrows. "You've asked me that before."

"This is the hair I had before him. Then he made me keep getting it cut. Short. Too short. I didn't like it. And I don't get it cut anymore." Connor frowned. "That, and I can't let anyone near my head."

"You look good," Jude told him. "And I'm not just biased about that."

"A little biased," Connor said, holding up two fingers pinched together.

"Maybe a little. But that's all you'll get me to admit to."

Connor smiled, and then he slowly sat up. "We should get our homework done."

Jude groaned. "But now I don't wanna. Play, then work?"

"What are we going to do?"

"We can lay around and watch T.V. We could go for a drive. We could … find somewhere else to. We could even just go for a walk if you wanted to. But if you really wanted to do the reading right now, I would."

"I don't know what I want," Connor said with a sigh. He picked at the hem of Jude's t-shirt, and then he remembered what was in his bag. He shouldn't be so forgetful. "Oh! But, I have something for you."

"I told you that you didn't need to get me anything for my birthday," Jude said.

"It's not for your birthday." Connor leant over and unzipped his bag. He pulled out the shirt and handed it over to Jude. He anxiously studied Jude's facial expression as his boyfriend unfolded the t-shirt and held it up. "If you don't like it then there's some other designs and there's other sizes if it doesn't fit right. Um, Jake wanted us to wear them around to generate interest and I remembered that you said that you wanted one."

"I love it," Jude said. "No, I really do, I'm not just saying it, so stop giving me that look!"

Connor touched his face, unsure of what to do with his expression. He hadn't even been aware that he was making a certain look. "I really want you to like it."

"And I do! I'm going to go put it on."

Connor looked down at the arm of the couch, thinking that Jude would strip like Brandy had. He was already telling himself that it wasn't a big deal and that he didn't _have_ to look, but then Jude got off the couch. Connor heard the bathroom door shut. He turned around, leaning on the back of the couch and bringing his legs up under him. Jude was only gone a minute and he came out in the new t-shirt on.

"What do you think, baby?"

Connor gestured him forward, and Jude stood by the back of the couch. Connor reached up and straightened one of Jude's sleeves – it had curled up. Then, he ran his hands down the front of Jude's chest, stopping when the heel of his hands touched the lower part of Jude's stomach. He left his hands there and peeked upward.

"You look good."

"Liar," Jude trilled.

"You don't really think I'm a liar though."

"No." Jude kissed his forehead. "Thank you. Why don't you get one?"

"I … don't think I could. I … I'm gay. I know that about myself. I don't hate telling people about it. But I don't know if I could … wear it like a billboard. Not like that. I'm not ready for that yet."

"I mean, I'm going to be wearing it out in public and I'm going to be with you out in public. How's that work with you?"

"That I'm okay with. I can't explain it."

"You don't need to. I can accept it." Jude pecked him on the lips, and Connor traced around the flag. "Did you decide what you want to do?"

Connor shrugged, feeling a little guilty as he admitted, "I didn't really think about it."

"Quick: if you could do anything right now, what would you do? Where would you go?"

Connor glanced over his shoulder at his textbook, and then he peeked up at Jude. "I'd go to the beach."

"Your wish is my command. Let's go hang out at the beach."

"Can we bring the textbook?"

"If you promise not to make me open it."

"I'll open it for you."

Jude laughed and he kissed Connor on the lips again.

"Can I bring the textbook, Jude?"

"I'm not going to tell you 'no'."

Connor tapped Jude's chest. "I want you to buy me an elephant."

"And when I see an elephant for five bucks, you can have an elephant." Jude grinned. "It's not a 'no'."

Connor smiled back at him, and then he turned around. He tucked the book inside of his back pack, and then he took out the heavier items in his bag, like his laptop and his statistics textbook, and left them on Jude's coffee table. He shouldered his bag, put his shoes on, and then he followed Jude to Gerald. It was only a short trip to the beach, and Connor eagerly opened his door to breathe in the salty scent of the ocean. He could hear the dim roar of the waves and he felt happy.

"This was a good idea," he told Jude.

"It _was_ yours."

Connor grabbed his back pack from the floor of the car.

"Aww, really?"

"I can read to you," Connor offered. "Once we find somewhere to sit."

"Deal."

They headed down to the beach and once they were over the sharp, dry sea grass and onto the sand, they stripped of their socks and shoes. Connor put all of it into his bag, taking care not to do anything to his textbook. Jude offered Connor his hand, and Connor cast an eye around the beach. It wasn't _busy_ per se, but it wasn't empty either. Connor took Jude's hands and Jude tugged him down the beach, not stopping until they were toeing the water line.

"Want to go for a swim, baby?"

Connor barely glanced at Jude. He _knew_ Jude was joking. Jude leant down and rolled his pant legs up, but Connor didn't do the same. Jude straightened up.

"Are there scars on your legs too?"

"Not my lower legs. Some little ones on my thighs. Um, I was shot once."

" _WHAT!?"_

"Before I met my ex. When I was, like, thirteen."

Jude was staring at him, his mouth hanging open.

"I … I was with friends. We snuck into someone's house. Madison's house. The first girl I kissed. And, um, her dad wasn't expecting it. And he shot me. In the ankle." Connor placed his hand on Jude's shoulder to help balance himself, and he lifted his pant leg up, showing the scars. This one, he didn't mind. It wasn't about his ex. There wasn't a lot of emotional trauma connected to it. "And there's some marks from the surgery too."

"I can't believe you were shot."

"And it wasn't my ex that did it."

"Well, I wasn't going to be the one to say it." Jude shook his head. "What the hell, baby?"

"I … I guess … I guess it doesn't happen to a lot of people." Connor couldn't help the giggle that came out of his mouth, even though it did sound a bit deranged.

"Yeah … Yeah, there's that."

Connor tugged his pant leg back down and returned his foot to the sand. "Are you okay?"

"You were shot!"

"Eight years ago."

"It's just weird," Jude said.

Connor wrapped his right hand around his left wrist and took a step back. "Is it all too weird?"

Being pinned down against a stove burner had to be worse than being shot, didn't it?

"No, no," Jude soothed him. "It's not. It was just … unexpected. It's just one of those things, you know?"

"One of those things," Connor repeated, because he really _didn't_ know.

Jude offered his hand to Connor. Connor took it, even though he felt unsteady inside. Jude held him tightly and they walked down the beach. Jude walked through the water, while Connor stayed closer to the dry sand, but it didn't stop the cuffs of his jeans from getting wet.

"You were the one that said it, baby. That's not the type of story that everyone has. It just caught me off-guard, is all. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

Connor shrugged. "I'm okay."

Jude squeezed his hand.

They walked along the beach, not saying much of anything, but Connor was more than content. He could just _be_ with Jude, and he thought that was his favourite thing about Jude. Or maybe it was his compassion. Or the way he listened. Or the way he smiled. Or the way that he so selflessly cared about Connor, even though Jude was so _human_ and flawed himself. Connor glanced at Jude, who was kicking around in the water, a smile on his face, like he was nothing but a child at play. Maybe there was no favourite thing about Jude. Maybe he just liked all of Jude.

"There's some old, big driftwood chunks up there," Jude said, gesturing with his chin. "We could sit."

"I thought you didn't want to look at the textbook."

"I don't, really, but I like you reading to me. You can make _Agamemnon_ sound interesting."

"I think it is interesting."

"Mhmm," Jude mused.

Hand in hand, they headed over to the thick driftwood tree trunks. Connor sat first, digging his toes into the sand until he was no longer being burnt by the heated grains, but, instead, had reached the cooler underbelly. Jude sat beside him, but then, he lay down, his head in Connor's lap. His long legs made his feet dangle over the edge of the trunk.

"What page did you leave off at?"

"I dunno."

"Jude!"

"Sorry," Jude said, but Connor didn't think he looked particularly apologetic.

Connor reached into his bag, careful not to squish Jude's head as he moved. "What was happening?"

"I dunno. Agamemnon might have been doing something."

"Jude!"

"Oops?" He laughed. "You were distracting, that's not my fault."

"I –"

"Just pick a spot and start reading, okay, babe? I'll catch up."

"What if you miss something?"

"I'll _Spark Notes_ before the exam."

"Really, Jude?"

"I won't make you watch."

Jude grinned cutely at him, and Connor shook his head. He fluffed his hand through Jude's hair, and felt his heart lift when Jude laughed. Life with his ex had definitely had some good moments, some sweet moments, but there had definitely been long stretches of time that were lifeless and devoid of joy. But Jude laughed so often. Jude was happy so _often_. It surprised Connor how much that sound meant to him, especially so quickly. But it did. Jude was still smiling up at him – his eyes crinkled and his lips stretched thin – and Connor leant down and kissed him.

He kissed Jude's smile and tasted the small chuckle that Jude released, and then Jude kissed him back sweetly, one hand holding onto the side of his button-up. He kissed Jude's forehead, but he didn't sit up.

"You didn't make me watch you change earlier."

"I assumed you'd be a little unhappy in the presence of a half-naked man. Even if I was just switching shirts."

"Brandy switched shirts in front of me."

"You weren't abused by someone that looked like Brandy."

Connor whimpered and straightened up. "I don't like that word. I don't like to think of it that way. I know it happened. I know what he was. But I don't … But he was … I don't … I don't like it."

"I'm sorry. It was a little over the line. I think I knew that as I was saying it."

"Let's read now, okay?"

"After I make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay." Jude didn't look like he believed him. "Really."

"You'd tell me, right?"

"Right."

Jude stretched and reached for Connor's left hand. Connor didn't think about the gesture, because he was too busy staring at a strip of exposed skin on Jude's stomach. The way that Jude had stretched had ridden his shirt up a little, and Connor could see about half an inch of Jude's pale skin. He could see a few light-coloured hairs, a few small, dark freckles, and, before he could think about it, he reached down along Jude's body. He didn't quite know what he would do: touch Jude? He should ask if he were going to do that. Instead, he just pulled Jude's shirt down a little, just so that it met the waist of his jeans.

"Such a gentleman," Jude said.

"Oh, I wouldn't call me that."

"I would."

Connor felt his cheeks go warm, and he cracked open the book. "Tell me if this sounds familiar, okay?"

"Okay."

" _Well: the end has been good. And in the length of time part of our fortune you could say held favorable but part we cursed again. And who, except the gods, can live time through forever without any pain?"_

"Mmm. That might have been where I left off. Connor, I'm serious! Read from there, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed, and he began to read again.

They sat happily together as Connor flipped through the pages, and the sun began to head for the horizon. Connor read slowly and methodically, and he was afraid that Jude was going to get bored. Whenever he glanced at Jude, his boyfriend had his eyes closed, but was listening intently. Whenever Connor would pause to muse on something, Jude would be right there with an answer. Sometimes Jude would tap Connor's knee, and Connor would pause at the end of his next sentence, so he and Jude could talk through something. Connor finally reached the point that they were supposed to in their readings, and he closed the textbook.

"I like listening to you," Jude said.

"If you say so."

"Especially when you're voice sounds like that," Jude mused. "After you've been talking for a while and you start to sound a little rough."

"So my normal voice annoys you?"

"You don't need to pick the worst things out of what I say," Jude teased. "I like how you sound. I just like how you sound now in a different way."

Connor tilted his head back, looking upward to see a few seagulls in the air. "Do I always make things negative? Do you hate it? Is it draining?"

"No, no, no." Jude took one of Connor's hands in each of his own. "You're not always negative. And you're entertaining and cute and a bunch of other words I can't think of right now because I'm feeling a little sunbaked."

"It's not _that_ warm."

"Warm enough. We've been here a while."

Connor nodded.

"But this was a good idea. We should study here again."

"Only if you really want to."

"I do mean the things I say sometimes!"

"But only sometimes."

"Yeah, only sometimes," Jude repeated. "Are you getting hungry, baby?"

"A little."

"Let's go cook!"

Jude rocked onto his feet, and Connor missed Jude lying against him. It was comfortable being with Jude. It was thrilling, too, in its own way, but he liked _comfortable_. Jude offered his hands up to Connor and Connor quickly shoved his book in his bag and allowed Jude to help him up. He and Jude held hands and walked through the water again, not letting go until they were back at the spot where they had to slip their shoes and go back to Gerald.

"I'm sorry for getting sand in your car."

"Mariana threw up in him once. Don't worry about a little sand."

Connor laughed. "And he's okay."

"Well, we were parked. And she decided she felt sick, and went to puke out the window, got some down both sides of the door."

"Oh … But she was okay?"

"Yeah. It was just the flu or something. I just wanted you to think of that whenever you're leaning against the passenger door."

"Thanks, Jude."

"Anytime."

Connor laughed. "Can I play a song?"

"Whatever song you want. I gift you the radio."

Connor plugged his own phone into Jude's radio, and went hunting through his songs. He wasn't sure what he wanted to listen to. He thought he'd know when he found it. He hit shuffle a few times, and he finally let one song play. He didn't know if it had been what he'd searching for, but he liked it.

"Oh, I know this song!" Jude said brightly.

"Do you like it?"

Jude sang along to the chorus instead of answering him.

 _"How long 'til we learn,_

 _"Dancing is dangerous,_

 _"How long 'til we find,_

 _"The devil inside of us,_

 _"How high is too low,_

 _"We're not that young,_

 _"So we're never gonna stop,_

 _"Never gonna stop,_

 _"Never gonna stop,_

 _"Until we break it."_

"You like it that much?"

Jude tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the beat. "I like it enough to sing along, clearly. I like it enough to listen to it a thousand times if you wanted to listen to it a thousand times."

"That sounds more like you like _me_ than the song."

Jude shrugged. "So I like you more than the song. Sue me."

"I think that sounds like too much effort. I think I'll just get you to cook instead."

"That sounds like a better deal to me anyway."

Connor's stomach rumbled as they pulled into Jude's driveway.

"You know, I think I'm going to throw my jeans in the wash," Jude said. "I've got sand in them. Do you want me to watch yours too? You can borrow sweatpants."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Nah. And washing them would probably take as long as cooking and eating will, so it's not a con to keep you here."

"You don't need a con to keep me here during the day."

"Maybe we'll be doing laundry until one a.m."

Connor didn't respond. He grabbed his bag and opened the door. Jude laughed and followed him down to the front door and unlocked it.

"Just don't walk on my rug with sandy jeans," Jude warned. "It's harder to clean than the hardwood."

"I'll sweep," Connor offered.

"I'll sweep, you can cook."

Jude kissed his cheek, and Connor took off his shoes, leaving them on the patio instead of inside. They had to be sandy too. By the time he had stepped inside and closed the door behind him, Jude was holding out a pair of black sweatpants for him.

"Just shove your jeans in the washer."

Connor nodded. "Thank you."

He changed quickly, carefully holding his jeans so that he didn't get sand in more places than necessary. Still, he tried to sweep up as much dropped sand as he could with his hands. He didn't want to make a mess; he felt guilty for making the little bit of mess that he did make. He shouldn't be such a problem.

Jude was waiting for him when he walked out of the bathroom; he had already changed. He didn't say much as he ducked into the bathroom to put his jeans in the washer and start it. Connor immediately headed over to the kitchen and started pulling out their dinner things. He knew Jude was hungry. He started the meat first and then he started up the vegetables.

"What would you like me to do, baby?"

"Oh. Um, watch the meat, maybe?"

"Sure. It's supposed to stay the bright pink colour, right?"

Connor sharply looked over his shoulder, and Jude laughed.

"Exactly how hopeless do you think I am?"

"Hopeless enough," Connor admitted. "I'm sorry."

Jude stood next to him by the stove, picking up the spatula that Connor had been using to poke at the meat. He rested his chin on Connor's shoulder. "A little faith, baby."

Connor thought that he sounded a little playful, but he nodded seriously. "I'm sorry. I know you can do it."

"And I _want_ to do it, for you. You do enough."

Connor laughed. "What do I do?"

"You cook, you keep my homework in check, you make me laugh, you make me go outside and do things, and you're good company." Jude nuzzled at Connor's neck. "I like you. And I know you put a lot of effort into this relationship."

"Not as much as you do."

"I'll pick a fight with you on that."

"I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either," Jude said. "But if we got into a disagreement, I wouldn't want you to just agree with me because you think you have to or because you're scared I'll do something if you don't."

Connor looked down at the pepper he was slicing. "I don't know if I can promise you that."

"Can you promise to try to keep it in mind? I don't think we're going to fight, but I know that I'd never hurt you if we did."

"I can promise to try and remember it," Connor agreed eagerly. That was manageable. He liked manageable. And he liked that Jude knew that. He liked that Jude kept that in mind.

Jude kissed his cheekbone. "Want me to help with anything?"

"Maybe slice the tomato up? Little pieces."

"Sure." Jude squeezed Connor around the waist and kissed his cheek. "You might have gotten a little tanned today, baby."

"The sun wasn't that strong!" Connor protested, and then he frowned. "Do you think I should be more tanned? Do you think I'm too pale?"

"No, baby, I like you. Even if I think you're whiter than the milk in my fridge."

Connor looked down at his hands, and then he unbuttoned his right arm sleeve and pulled it up, trying to compare the skin of the two. He held his arm out to Jude. "What do you think?"

Jude picked up his arm, and he inspected it closely, holding it so close that his breath tickled the underside of his forearm. He pressed a cheeky kiss to the middle of Connor's forearm. "Whiter than the milk in my fridge. But I like you."

Jude lifted Connor's arm high and held their hands together. Then, he put his other hand on Connor's waist and spun him in a circle. Connor almost tripped over his own two feet, trying to keep up with where Jude was leading him. He put his hand on Jude's shoulder to steady himself, and Jude led him around in another circle. Their knuckles brushed the kitchen wall lightly, and Connor pulled his hand away.

"Sorry, babe. The kitchen's small."

"I know." Connor leant upward and kissed Jude on the forehead. "You wouldn't hurt me on purpose."

"No. I wouldn't."

He kissed Connor back, and then he picked up the spatula. Connor went back to cutting up peppers and then shredding some lettuce for their tacos. He started to get warm as he worked, and he started picking at the sleeves of his button-up. Jude had already seen his forearms. His t-shirt covered almost the exact same amount of upper arm that his rolled up button-up sleeves did. He bit down on his lip as he felt a thin line of sweat on his brow. He'd lived through warmer, more uncomfortable situations before, because he had put his mental comfort first, and that called for his button-up to be on. The fact that he was even considering it either proved that he'd completely lost his mind or that he trusted Jude too much.

He could always put the button-up back on, he reasoned with himself. Jude wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Jude wouldn't make him feel self-conscious about it.

Connor circled around to where the stools were, and unbuttoned his shirt sleeves. He shrugged the shirt off and draped it over the back of the stool. When he looked up, Jude was watching him and, though he didn't have one expression or another on his face, Connor still felt a blush touch his cheeks. He slowly returned to the kitchen, tugging at his t-shirt sleeves.

"Would it make it better or worse for me to say something?"

"What kind of something?" Connor picked up his knife and went back to his cutting board. There wasn't much more for him to do, but he needed to do _something_ to try and distract himself from the fact that he was in just a t-shirt.

He couldn't remember the last time that he was in just a t-shirt.

"A compliment, maybe?"

"No," Connor murmured. "I … just need to try to get used to it. So … if I think of it as normal and as something I do all the time and if we don't pay special attention to it, then maybe it'll be easier … I hope."

"Sure. So, I think the beef is done. What do you think?"

"It looks done. Do you have a meat thermometer?" Connor let out a deep breath. He could handle having this conversation.

"A what?" Jude asked, his face blank.

"You're being silly again," Connor accused.

"Upper drawer," Jude said, gesturing with his chin. "Moms made sure I wasn't going to kill myself with raw meat."

Connor dug the meat thermometer out of the drawer and stuck it in the meat. He carefully watched the needle in the thermometer rise. He wasn't paying attention to Jude, and he let out a gasp when Jude's hand touched his side.

"Sorry, baby."

"It's okay. I was just surprised." Connor pulled the meat thermometer out. "It's okay to take it off now."

They prepared their tacos quietly, and then took seats at the counter next to one another. Connor could feel one of the buttons from his shirt digging into his back, but he didn't reach for the shirt. He was _okay_ like this. In front of Jude, at least, he was all right. Jude didn't hate him for his scars; Jude didn't ignore his scars either. He clenched his left hand into a tight fist, but no matter how he angled his hand, he couldn't hide the scar from the burner. It peeked up both sides of his forearm just enough that he couldn't pretend it wasn't there without the use of sleeves.

"Connor?"

"C-c-could we j-j-just eat tonight? Maybe talk after?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

Connor focused on breathing and eating. Every time he lifted his food to his mouth, he had to look at the marks on his arm and every so often, a thought or memory would overcome him, and his breath would hitch. He felt Jude's foot rest on the bottom rung of his stool, and Connor lifted his own foot so that they were touching that way. Touching Jude grounded him a little, and Connor was able to remind himself that he wasn't hated for the scars – that there was someone who cared about him in a pure way, not in a possessive or overprotective kind of way. And Jude was fine in a t-shirt. Connor could be fine in a t-shirt.

Jude ate three tacos, and Connor forced himself through one. When they were both finished, they sat in their spots for a moment, just staring at their plates. Then, Connor glanced at Jude, and Jude smiled, and Connor felt good.

"Did you like it?"

"I did," Jude said. "But I always like your cooking. Are you sure you ate enough?"

"Yeah. I'm not feeling very hungry." Connor turned in his stool to face Jude.

"Are you feeling okay?"

Connor nodded. He reached out his hand and touched the top of Jude's leg. He didn't know what he'd been trying to accomplish by it, and so he dropped it away. Jude caught his hand, and turned his forearm over, bringing Connor's scars front and centre. He kissed Connor's arm, and Connor wasn't sure how he felt about it. He liked that Jude would kiss his scars and not try to hide them away, but he also knew that Jude couldn't heal him. Jude helped him. Jude gave him a reason to try to heal, because he wanted to do things with Jude that wouldn't be tainted by his past, but Connor knew he had to do the work himself.

Jude touched the round scar, and then he traced up the long, thin one. "Can I ask about this one?"

Connor didn't know if he could answer it. "Do you remember that one that you saw on my collarbone?"

Jude nodded.

"It's from the same thing."

"We don't have to talk about it before you're ready."

"Thank you."

"Do you want to go home? Or do you want to stay?"

"You're still holding my pants hostage."

"Oh, yeah," Jude mused. "I should probably put those in the dryer …"

He kissed Connor on the cheek before going to put the clothes in the dryer. Connor gathered up their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. He took his button-up over to the couch with him and draped it across the arm. He didn't feel the impulse to put it back on yet, but he wanted to keep it close. He wanted to know that the option to put it back on was right there. He pulled the plaid blanket over his shoulders, and he wondered if it was the same as hiding under his button-up. Jude landed on the other end of the couch heavily and smiled at him.

"Can I cuddle with you?"

Connor held up the side of his blanket and Jude curled up under his arm. Connor rested his cheek against the top of Jude's head. "What are you thinking about?"

"What Taylor and I are going to do this weekend, actually. Either she's going to want to stay in all weekend or she's going to want to go out all weekend. Taylor doesn't really do things in moderation."

"Are you worried?"

"About her, yeah. I just want to do what's best for her, but I'm not sure what that is." Jude sighed. "But at least I'll get to see her next weekend too. She's coming home for my birthday. We're going to try to get some people from high school together, since I can actually go to a bar now."

"Are you going to get drunk?"

"Maybe a little drunk," Jude said, laughing. "But not _that_ drunk. Puking in bushes is something I already experienced, and I'm glad to have it happen only once."

"When did it happen?"

"I was with Dylan. This was graduation night, actually. There was a party we were going to go to, and then I was going to spend the night with him. We were both drinking and it was graduation night and I wasn't going home, so I wasn't really thinking about not drinking too much. I drank more than he did, anyway. And he decided we should go at, like, two in the morning or something and so we started walking back to his place, which was maybe fifteen minutes at a sober pace," Jude said with a laugh. "I think it took us about half an hour. And we were _almost_ to his place, when I started feeling sick and I threw up in his neighbour's bushes and he laughed about it and said he was glad that I wasn't throwing up in his bed."

Connor frowned.

"What's the face for?"

"I'm not sure. I think … think … maybe I'm jealous." The word felt strange and heavy in his mouth, but it didn't feel _wrong_.

"Jealous? Of what?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little jealous of … Dylan. Of getting those parts of you. And that doesn't make sense. I'm glad you had him, I really am. But I think a bigger part of is that … you were doing that, being a normal kid, and I was … was …" Connor sniffed. "He was quitting smoking and whenever he lit one he'd put it out on my thighs because he said that seeing how his smoking hurt someone he loved helped him quit but it still took him a year and a half to do it."

"Connor …" Jude sighed, and then hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry."

"I hate feeling bad about it. I really _hate_ it. But sometimes when I remember what other people were living through when they were seventeen and I remember what I was living through when I was seventeen and I get angry and upset because it wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair_ ," Connor whimpered. "I don't want to complain or get upset but it wasn't fair and I just want everything back that he took away but I can't recover all of it and I'm trying to move on but there's some things that just _stick_ and I can't get rid of it. I just can't."

He cried as Jude held him, feeling guilty all the while that he kept dragging Jude further and further into his problems. But Jude held and kissed him and he only lied to him once, telling Connor that it would be okay when Connor really couldn't see how things could ever be totally fine again. Jude stroked his back and kissed the top of his head until Connor felt too exhausted to even lift his head from his boyfriend's shoulder.

"How do I help you?" Jude murmured.

"Don't let go."

"I won't."

Connor's heart thudded heavily in his chest and he felt dizzy and sweaty, but he clung to Jude with all of the strength he had left. Jude started to hum softly, and Connor started crying again when he heard his mother's favourite song.

"I'm sorry, I just thought it might help."

"It does," Connor admitted. "I'm just surprised you thought of it."

Jude started humming again and Connor started taking huge, shuddering breaths that left him feeling weak, but more clearheaded. He sat up a little bit, rubbing at his face with the blanket. Then, he rested his head against the back of the couch, reaching out with one hand to grip at Jude.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby," Jude assured him. "I'm right here with you."

"Thank you."

"Tell me if there's anything you need, okay? Don't feel bad about it. I _want_ to help you."

Connor's gaze flickered to Jude's face and then away quickly again. "He'd have a meltdown. And then he'd have this period of time where he was sweet and nice, trying to make up for everything that he'd done to me. And I … always fell for it. He always made me feel guilty for making him do what he did. And then the whole thing would repeat."

"Yeah," Jude said. "Abus – Uh, I mean … people like him have a cycle."

"Oh." Connor looked down at his hands. "I guess he and I are the type of people that you talk about in psych classes."

"A little, not going to lie to you. But I've never thought about you clinically. Never thought about what you went through in terms of my classes. You're a person to me, baby, not a … victim."

"I don't want to be thought of that way."

"Then you're in luck. I don't think of you that way."

Connor let go of Jude. "I need water."

He went to stand, but Jude waved him back down. "I can get it."

"I don't want you to. This is what I meant to talk about when I brought that up. I don't want to get emotional and then make you feel guilty because I'm emotional and –"

"Connor."

Connor bit down on his bottom lip, keeping himself quiet. He had never heard Jude sound so serious and stern.

"Listen to me, okay?"

Connor made sure to meet his eyes.

"You are not an abuser. Nothing you do even comes close to abuse or even some kind of emotional manipulation. You're working through some things, and I understand it's not always going to be easy. But I never feel like I _have_ to do anything that I do. I know I don't have to get you water or hold you when you cry or help you any way that I can. But I want to. Because I care about you. And I know that if something happened where I need you, you'd be there for me like this. It's okay, baby, it's just a glass of water."

Connor nodded. Jude turned to get the glass of water, and he pulled the blanket tightly around himself He caught a glimpse of his bare forearm, and decided that he couldn't do it anymore. He hesitantly let the blanket drop, and he put his button-up back on as quickly as he possibly could. His fingers were shaking as he desperately did up the buttons on his sleeves, and then buttoned the ones up his chest as high as he could without making the collar of his shirt tight against his throat. He pulled the blanket back up over him too. When Jude came back over with a glass of water, Connor was glad that his hands were only slightly shaking.

"What else would help?" Jude asked. "Do you want to stay here? Go home? Go somewhere else completely?"

Connor carefully sipped at his water. His eyes were dry and stinging; his cheeks were stiff from his dried tears. He sighed into his water, watching the ripples, and going slightly cross-eyed doing so.

"C-c-c-can I stay?"

"Always. Do you want to just sit here or do you want to watch a movie?"

"This is a lot of decisions."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"M-m-m-maybe a-a-a show?"

"Sure," Jude agreed. "We can find something that doesn't take much thought. Maybe that tattoo show will be on again. I liked that."

Jude put his legs up on the coffee table, picking up the remote in his right hand. His left arm, he had draped along the back of the couch, and Connor knew Jude well enough by now to understand the casual invitation. He took another sip of his water, sat the glass on the coffee table, and slid over to Jude's side of the couch. He felt happier as Jude's arm encircled his shoulders and gently rubbed his bicep over the blanket.

"Oh! Here it is … Wait, no. This is a different one."

Connor watched the people move across the screen, and then he started picking at Jude's black t-shirt, across the colours of the rainbow flag. He would much rather focus on Jude's warm chest than anything else. He pressed his hand flat on Jude's right ribs. They were flat. They felt like ribs. He trailed his index finger up to the hollow of Jude's throat, and Jude let him. Connor liked that. He liked that Jude would allow him to touch him. He pressed his palm over Jude's heart, and just felt the steady rhythm.

"Oh, baby, look at that tattoo! Why would you think that was a good idea?"

Connor glanced up at the screen, seeing a guy with his shirt pulled up, revealing a cat tattoo on his stomach. The cat was facing away, leaving the man's belly button to be the cat's butthole.

"What is this show?"

"They do cover-ups of bad tattoos," Jude explained. "And I agree – that's a bad tattoo."

"I don't know. I think you should get it."

Jude turned his head sharply, tilting it down so that his forehead was pressed against Connor's. Connor looked up at Jude, though his features were distorted and blurry. "Why would you want to do that to me?"

"I … I just think that you could make anything look good," Connor whispered.

Jude pressed a long kiss to Connor's forehead, letting his lips linger there. "I like it when you say things like that."

"I like telling you things like that," Connor said. "I like the way that we are, Jude."

"Me too." Jude kissed his forehead again. "How are you feeling?"

Connor held his hand out, watching it tremble. "A little bit shaky still." He tucked his feet up under him on the couch and put his head down on Jude's shoulder. "I just want to stay like this for a while."

"Okay. We can do that."

Connor's heart fluttered a little in his chest, and then it settled down as Jude went back to rubbing his shoulder and commenting on the tattoos in front of them. Connor knew he could stay like this and be happy. The tattoo show was a marathon, and they sat and watched it until late into the evening. Connor didn't even think to move until his phone started to ring and he knew that he needed to talk to his father. He picked up his phone and returned to Jude's side before answering.

"Hey, Dad."

"Are you okay? You sound off."

"Jude and I studied this afternoon. We went back to his house and made tacos. Some things got me thinking about the past. He helped me. I will be okay."

"Are you home now?"

"No. Still here. I … I might … might ask him if I can stay here." Connor couldn't look at Jude as he said it, a blush on his cheeks. "On the couch. L-l-like I did the other night."

"Are you ready for that?"

"I think so," Connor whispered. "I was okay the other morning. Until … Until I realized I didn't call you. B-b-but we're talking now! So it'll be okay."

"Hmm."

"I … I don't know what the means," Connor said softly.

"Part of me is worried that you put too much on this boy," Adam said. "The other part of me is glad that you're able to trust someone. I know you need to be an adult and make your own decisions, but I'm worried about you getting lost in someone again."

Connor tilted his head back and stared up at Jude. Jude watched his expression carefully, his brown eyes never moving, even as Connor reached up to trace his features.

"Connor? Are you there?"

"Yes, Dad. I d-d-don't think I lose myself when I'm with him. I … I think … I think I might find myself with him."

"You met him in September," Adam said.

"I know. The part of me that worries won't let me forget that either," Connor murmured. "But, um, I … I might have made another friend. I … J-Jake? The … the guy I'm doing the project with? He invited me to a basketball game on Saturday night. I don't know if I'm going to go."

"I think you should," Adam said quickly. "But what did Jude say?"

"Jude said I should go if I want to. But he said if I didn't go, I should think of something to do with Jake that I would be comfortable with. He thinks that I should talk to more people. He thinks that all friends start somewhere." Connor held his breath. He knew that Adam was testing Jude, and he needed Jude to pass. His ex hadn't passed and Connor would never be able to forget how that went.

"Hmm," Adam said. "That seems like a smart, healthy approach."

"He sees his friends a lot. He doesn't think it's fair that I just see him." He knew Jude hadn't exactly said that, but it was how Connor saw his words. Still, he bit his lip in worry until Jude nodded at him, and kissed him on the forehead. Connor loved those forehead kisses, and he timidly gestured Jude forward so that Jude would do it again.

"I like the way he thinks, anyway." Adam paused, the more gruffly added: "I still want to meet him."

"I want you to meet him too," Connor said. "You'll like him, Dad. I know you will."

"I guess we'll see," Adam said. "At this rate, I think he'll be around when I come to get you at Christmas."

"Yeah," Connor agreed. His ran his fingers under Jude's chin. "Yeah, I think so too."

"I want you to carve out some time Saturday morning for you and me to talk about Christmas travel plans," Adam said. "Unless you have something else going on."

"No, I don't. We can do that. That sounds good."

"Okay. You call me if you need me, no matter the time of night."

"Of course, Dad. I know you're there."

"I'll talk to you soon, okay? Have a goodnight, Connor. I love you."

"You too," Connor whispered. "Goodnight."

He hung up his phone, and put it over on the coffee table. When he straightened up, Jude was grinning at him.

"What?"

"Nothing."

" _Jude_ –"

"Okay, okay," Jude said, but his smile just grew. "I don't know. I could hear your dad talking and I just … I love that you talk about me that way and that's how you see me. I want us to be good and happy, and I like that you want me to meet your dad and I just … This is going well. I'm just happy with you."

"I'm happy with you too," Connor said.

"And you're welcome to my couch whenever you want it. I just want to help you."

"You do help. I feel a lot better now." Connor laughed shakily. "How do you have so much patience?"

"Can you tell Taylor that's one of my virtues?" Jude asked. "She'll never believe you."

"Why?"

"Because she knew me when I was thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen," Jude said. "I was a … mild handful."

"I don't believe you."

"You just wait until I take you home again and Moms get into the wine and start telling stories." Jude chuckled. "Or until you meet my siblings. Mariana and Jesus will be more than happy to tell you things."

"What about Callie?"

Jude thought about it. "Probably. She probably would, after she warmed up to you. She's gotten a lot better since we were younger, but sometimes she can still be suspicious of new people. Especially where you and I are so close. She's probably going to be a little ticked I didn't tell her about you immediately."

"You haven't told her about me?"

"Not because you're not important," Jude said quickly. "I didn't want to jinx it in the beginning and … I'll probably say something at my birthday dinner. Just so it's in person. Important things should always be talked about in person. Or, at least, that's how I see things."

"I like that."

"I like you."

"I still don't understand why."

"Maybe it's magic."

Connor scrunched up his nose at that, and Jude kissed the tip of his nose. Connor tilted his face so that he could peck Jude's lips, and Jude's kiss felt good. He wrapped his arm around the back of Jude's neck and put his arm one around Jude's waist so that he could pull him closer. He felt Jude's hand on his waist and the other on the side of his thigh. Connor's leg tensed, and he felt Jude's thumb move across the material of the sweatpants.

"My hand isn't going anywhere," Jude assured him. "I'm just going to kiss you and you're going to kiss me and that's all there's going to be."

"Then why are you talking and not kissing me?"

"Part of me wants to be a smartass and answer that."

"I think you just did."

"Oops."

Jude kissed him gently, his fingers stroking Connor's ribs. That made him tense too – it was his right ribs. But Jude didn't seem to notice that there was anything wrong with him, and kept kissing him. Connor felt the smallest push on his shoulder, and he realized that Jude was trying to lay down with him on the couch. Connor tightened his hand against Jude's bicep, trying to think it through and trying to judge Jude's body language. He tried pushing back, as gently as he possibly could, and Jude tipped back onto the couch, pulling Connor over with him. Connor turned so that his back was against the back of the couch, and Jude turned into him, following his lips in order to kiss him again.

"So," Jude said. "I don't have to be up for work in the morning."

"Me either," Connor said, and Jude laughed. "My class tomorrow is at noon."

"I know. But what about your therapist? You see her on Thursday mornings, right?"

"Right."

"How long would it take us to drive there?"

"A couple of hours," Connor replied.

Jude frowned. "How do you … I mean, you don't drive with … I'm confused."

"Dr. Scott is the therapist that I got in January. When I moved, I didn't want to switch therapists. Our appointments are done over video chat. Ten a.m. to eleven a.m. every Thursday."

"Oh."

"So I should be home by quarter to ten at the latest."

"Or you could stay here and I could take an hour to get us breakfast and we could spend a few more hours together," Jude suggested.

"That's …"

"Be honest," Jude whispered.

"I'm worried it's clingy," Connor confessed, his voice low. "Too clingy."

"I'm thinking of it in terms of this weekend, because we won't be talking as much as we normally do. And it's not that I think I'm going to lose my mind and miss you in an insane way for two days. I know it'll be fine. I just like spending time with you. I wouldn't be here during your appointment. I wouldn't dare do that to you."

"It's not that I hate the thought of it. I can just think of … some problems."

"We can talk about them, right?"

Connor nodded. "The last time I stayed over … you went to work. And I was trapped inside. And I can't do that again. Even if I didn't have anywhere to go, I just need to have the ability to go."

"I have a solution to that one, at least. I have a spare key. I can leave it out. You can take it and go somewhere. You can play with it. Stick it on your key ring. Whatever. Just don't lose it."

Connor squinted at him. "On my key ring?" He swallowed and whispered, "Jude, that'd be giving me a key to your apartment."

"I know."

Connor plucked at the collar of Jude's t-shirt. "But … but …"

"You don't understand," Jude said simply.

Connor shook his head.

"It makes you feel better to have a key. There might be situations that come up like this. If you like staying over and I have work and you don't want to get up, but then you can leave whenever you want in the morning. You could bike over if you needed me. But I'm not worried about you popping up unannounced all the time. I know you'd only do it if you really needed me, otherwise you'd talk to me about it."

"I would."

"So, if you wanted the key, you can have it. I don't plan on losing mine any time soon, but if I do, then you might want to be a little prepared to bike over and meet me."

"Oh."

"So, if you wanted to do that, I'd be more than okay to do that."

"I'd still have to go to class tomorrow."

"I know. I'm not trying to stop you from doing anything. And if you tell me you want to be in your room for your appointment, I won't ask you to stay. I won't even bring it up again. I just … want you to know that I want it and that it's an option, so that you can make up your mind."

Connor bit down on his lip. "I … I don't know."

"You can think about it some more," Jude said. "I'll set the alarm for nine, so that way we'll be up in time to drive to your place if we need to."

"Okay." Connor ran his hand through Jude's hair. "Are you going to bed now?"

"Not even close. Why? Do you want to?"

"No. I just want to stay next to you."

"You could sleep with me."

Jude winked at him, and Connor felt like his stomach was going to fall out of his body. Not in a bad way, but in a way where he had to sit back and think that there was a boy – a boy who was good and beautiful from the inside and out – who _liked_ him, for who he was and for what he looked like and who didn't want to change a single part of him.

"Not yet," Connor said. "But, um, I think someday I would like to sleep next to you. I'm just trying to get comfortable with a lot."

"I know. And I don't want to push you too much."

Connor couldn't think of anything else to do but think about how lucky he was and kiss his boyfriend.

"Also," Jude added, "I'm glad to know that holding your pants hostage works."

"Be nice," Connor said with a pout. "I could push you off the couch."

"You wouldn't," Jude said happily.

No. He wouldn't. He didn't want to do anything that could even come close to hurting Jude. But the fact remained that he _could._ Jude was on the outside of the couch and the couch wasn't so wide that he was miles from the edge. Connor placed his hands flat on Jude's chest, applying enough pressure that Jude would feel it, but not so much that it would so much as rock Jude. He knew Jude was ticklish, and he moved one hand to gently tease Jude's ribs, and Jude giggled.

"Tell me something," Jude whispered.

"What?"

"I don't know. Anything. Something about you."

"My mom always dressed up like a princess for Halloween. She had this old tiara with little metal roses on it. And, so, from the ages of … five to eight, I didn't want to be anything other than a knight for Halloween. After the knight, I was a … chef. Which my mom thought was adorable and for a couple of months after Halloween that year I would wear the chef hat whenever we cooked together."

"That's a cute story," Jude said. "I like that."

"Me too. I miss her but, mostly, now, I just love her. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if she were here." Connor paused. "I wonder what she'd say about you."

"Hopefully good things."

"Hopefully. But Mom never even knew I was gay. Or, at least, I never got to tell her. I don't know if she ever had some sense that maybe it was there. Because I knew by the time she died. But she was so sick and I knew she was going to die, and so I didn't say anything, because I didn't want her to turn me away. I wanted to be the son she always knew. I don't know if that makes any sense."

"It does. I think … it was a brave decision to make at fourteen. I think she'd love you."

"I think she would have too. But I was too scared to find out differently. I think … I think she'd have really liked you, Jude. Even if she'd be disappointed that I found a man that can't cook."

Jude laughed, sliding his hand around Connor's waist to rest against his spine. He tugged Connor closer. "See, my moms are proud of me for finding a man that can cook."

"I'll teach you," Connor promised, slowly drawing his face closer to Jude's.

"Will you wear a chef's hat?"

"You should wear it. It might help inspire you."

"Maybe." Jude's leg slid over Connor's, hooking over his calves. "Is this okay?"

"Just try not to pull on me, okay?"

"Okay, baby," Jude said, and then they were kissing again.

And Connor was happy.

 **The chapter's title, and the song featured in the chapter, is after the song** _ **Dancing On Glass**_ **by St. Lucia. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	28. Give Your Heart A Break

**Sorry for this being so late but I flew on Wednesday and the time zone change just hit me! On that note, all updates will be _four hours_ earlier than the usual time until January 3rd. Thanks!**

 **~TLL~**

Connor was just beginning to drift into wakefulness when Jude's alarm went off. It didn't scare him like before. He knew where he was. He opened his eyes and looked over at the closed curtains of Jude's bed. In his head, he ran through the list of things that he should have finished the night before, and was happy to come up with nothing he had missed. He had gotten his readings done. He had spoken to his father. There was nothing keeping this morning from being a good one. Connor took a deep breath and felt that to the core of his being. This morning was going to be a good morning.

He sat up and pushed his hand through his hair. Jude had pushed his bed curtains open and was rubbing his hands over his face. Connor liked how his boyfriend looked in the morning – with his short hair sticking up at strange angles and the way he yawned and stretched to wake himself up.

"Morning, baby. How'd you sleep?"

"Come here, please."

Connor hadn't been sure whether it would work or not. It would have earnt him a slap, at least, from his ex, because who was Connor to ask something like that? But Jude just meandered his way over to the couch, leaning his crossed arms against the back of it so that his face was near Connor's.

"Everything good?" Jude asked, shifting slightly. "I kind of have to pee."

Connor scrunched up his nose. He didn't like to think about Jude in the bathroom, even though he knew that Jude didn't mean anything by it. "I, um, I had a good night. And it feels like a good morning. I just … feel good. I wanted to share that with you."

"And I like that you shared that with me. I'm glad you feel good this morning. I worried about you, considering the last couple of times. But … I'm glad."

"Me too." Connor pressed a quick kiss to Jude's mouth, and decided that was one thing that he didn't like about Jude in the morning: his morning breath. He kept the thought to himself, though, and Jude headed off to the bathroom.

Connor stood from his couch bed, and folded the plaid blanket he was using. He returned his pillow to Jude's bed. He took off the long sleeved shirt he'd borrowed from Jude to sleep in, and put his t-shirt and button-up back on. He moved quickly, knowing that Jude couldn't spend an eternity in the bathroom. Still, he was in the kitchen and he had the coffee maker beginning to go when Jude emerged. Connor slipped into the bathroom and moved as quickly as possible. When he came back out, Jude had a cup of coffee waiting for him.

"Thank you," Connor said.

"No problem. So, are … are you staying or do you want to go back to your place when we're done?"

"Um. So, you would go and get something for breakfast?"

"Yeah. I'd go out and get something for us to eat. Drive around, waste some gas."

"That's not fair. I don't want to kick you out of your place."

"I don't mind."

"I can't do that to you." Connor's voice cracked.

"Okay, it's okay. I'll take you home when we were finish our coffee."

"Thank you." Connor smiled, but then he bit down on his lip. He didn't think that Jude would notice, and he was caught off-guard when Jude asked him what was wrong. "I was just thinking that breakfast with you would also be good. So, I don't know what I want."

"We can do all of it. I can drop you back off at your place, you can have your appointment, change your clothes, and then I can pick you up where you're done, and we can go out until your class."

"You'd do that for me?"

"I have a couple of things I want to do for you," Jude said.

Connor paused, his coffee cup halfway to his mouth. "W-w-wh-what kind of th-things?"

"First, I want to say, that if you feel comfortable, you can leave a change of clothes here. I'm not saying that because I want you to move in or something and I'm slowly working on it. It's just because you usually don't plan to stay here, and, I don't know. It might bother you to wear your clothes two days in a row. You just might want to be prepared. I just thought I'd bring it up, because … I want you to know you have the option. Or at least know you have the option."

"But it's one of those things where it's okay if I just think about it for a while?"

"Of course."

Connor nodded. He didn't know how he felt about leaving clothes here. Jude had already pointed out the biggest flaw that his brain would come up with, and that was that Jude was slowly trying to indoctrinate him into moving into the apartment. Logically, Connor didn't think that would ever happen. Jude had never really given any indication he'd want them to live together and, if he did, Connor knew he would have to run. It just wasn't the logical thing to do after only knowing each other for a couple of months.

"W-w-what's the others?" Connor asked. "Y-y-you s-s-said 'things'."

Jude nodded. He turned and opened one of the bottom drawers in his kitchen. It was full of junk, and Connor didn't see how Jude was able to sort through the tape measures, first aid kits, random, wrinkled envelopes, and rolls of tape that resided there. Finally, Jude resurfaced with a key in his hand, a small white puffball keychain attached to it.

"My spare key," Jude said.

Connor had guessed that.

"I really do want you to have it. If you're comfortable taking it. As you can see, I do the smart thing and leave it in my bottom drawer," Jude said. "Melanie has a key, so if I do screw up, she can always let me in too. It's just … I don't see this going badly any time soon. I see you spending more time here. And, I want to make sure you're comfortable. And so, I want you to know that you can come and go whenever you want. You have a key."

 _He had a key_.

Connor put his mug down on the kitchen counter and gently took the key from Jude's hand, holding it by the silky, fuzzy key chain. He watched the single, silver key wave back and forth for a moment before he took both keychain and key tightly in his hand, bursting into tears as he did so. He tried to keep his feet underneath of him, but he collapsed to the floor, landing heavily on his knees.

"Connor? It's okay. It's okay."

Jude was right there on the floor with him.

"You don't have to take it. I thought it would be best, but, maybe it's like Halloween. Maybe I went too far in trying to protect you. It's okay, Connor. It really is."

That was why he was crying. Because everything was so okay. Because he had gone from someone like his ex-boyfriend to someone like Jude and the difference between the two left Connor breathless. He reached out his hands and Jude pulled him into a hug, holding him tightly.

"I want to keep the key, Jude," he whimpered. "I just … just can't believe you're a real person. And that I get to know you. I … I just _can't_."

He started to cry again, and Jude rocked them back and forth gently on the kitchen floor. He rubbed Connor's back. "How's that good feeling about today going?"

Connor made a choking sound that was supposed to be a laugh, and he tightened his grip on the key, feeling the ridges and grooves press into his fingers, while the soft keychain pressed into his palm. "Thank you."

"I'm here for you. And I'm also here to tell you that if you want to make it to your place and your appointment on time, we have to leave in, like, five minutes."

Connor nodded. "Okay. Okay." He took a deep breath and he pressed his head into Jude's shoulder. "Thank you."

"You already said that."

"It's for everything you've done since I met you. I … never could have dreamt someone like you. I still can't believe you're real."

"Maybe this is your psychotic break. Maybe I'm not real."

"Don't even joke!"

"Okay, I won't, I'm sorry." Jude's lips brushed Connor's forehead. "You know, baby, you're going to give me an ego."

"I … But you like what I say."

"Yes. Are you going to be okay?"

Connor nodded, though it was slow and a little hesitant. "I mean, I should be. I have a therapy appointment today."

Jude chuckled. "All right, that's true. And let's go so that we can get you there on time."

Connor buzzed about the apartment, quickly gathering the things that he'd let scatter a little and putting them into his bag. He slipped Jude's key on the university lanyard he had that held his dorm room key and his bike lock key and just stared down at it for a moment, feeling a grin spread over his face. But, then he bounced to the front door. He knew that he shouldn't take so long in doing things. He shouldn't make Jude wait. But Jude wasn't upset with him. No, of course he wasn't. That wasn't how Jude was.

"So, do you have any thoughts on what you want to eat?"

"You said breakfast."

"Yeah. I guess I should have said 'where'." Jude held the passenger side door open. "Have anywhere in mind?"

Connor shook his head as he slipped into the car. Jude closed the door behind Connor, and Connor felt happy at the small gesture. Jude didn't do things out of possessiveness. Jude did things so that he could be sweet and because he thought that Connor would like it. Jude smiled at him as they started to drive.

"Really, baby, anywhere that you might want to go."

"I don't know anywhere to go. The only place I can think of is that brunch place we went to before. But I don't know if you had somewhere else in mind or something. You know best."

Jude laughed at that. "That's not true. And, even if it were, I still want your opinion on things. It's like you said on Halloween – it's you and me, together, not just one of us running the show."

"Which is why you're my boyfriend."

Jude glanced over at him. "Are you saying that I'd never be your boyfriend if you didn't think I wanted it?"

Connor stretched out his hand and touched Jude's elbow. Jude's hand slipped from the steering wheel and he held Connor.

"I think," Connor said slowly, "that, yeah, eventually, I would want to call it that. I just think it would have taken me a lot longer."

"Do you hate it?" Jude asked, and he sounded insecure. To Connor, he sounded afraid, and Connor hated that.

"No, no. I don't hate it. I don't hate any part of what we are," Connor assured him. The thing that Connor hated was _himself_ and his insecurities, and none of it had anything to do with Jude.

Jude squeezed his hand and then rubbed his thumb over the back of Connor's hand. Connor rested his head against the back of his seat and smiled, feeling light as they drove into the nano parking lot.

"Think about if there's somewhere you really want to go," Jude said. "If you can't think of somewhere, then we'll go to the brunch café, all right?"

"Okay," Connor agreed.

He turned toward the door, but then he spun back around to face Jude. He leant across the console, and Jude met him halfway. Their lips met and Connor grabbed the front of Jude's shirt, tugging at him. He felt his breath hitch as he realized what he'd done. But Jude wasn't about to get angry at him for wanting more; Jude was leaning into his hands. Connor almost wanted to forget that he had somewhere to be. He couldn't forget his responsibilities though, and Jude wasn't the type of person to make him brush off the things that he had to do, and they gave each other one last kiss.

"We can always just go back to my place and make out after your appointment," Jude offered.

Connor cracked a smile. "We'd both be too hungry."

"I see your point."

"We could take breakfast back to your place, though."

"And I like the way you think."

"I really need to go now, Jude."

"I know. I'll be back down here at eleven. But it's okay if you need to take another few minutes to get changed or something."

"Thanks, Jude. See you after."

"See you after!"

Connor headed inside with a smile on his face.

(-.-)

Jude carefully rotated his ankles along Gerald's floorboards, and then arched his back, trying to crack it. He checked the time; it was five after eleven. Connor should be down here any moment, and Jude hoped that he was happy after his therapy session. He had seemed okay this morning, even with the breakdown over the key. But it was a happy breakdown, Jude thought. Or, at least, as happy as a breakdown could be. He scratched at his wrist absently, and then he stared down at his own blank skin, thinking about Connor's scars.

He had scars on his left wrist and on his collarbone and on his thighs, and had hinted that there were more elsewhere. Jude wondered what it was like to have permanent scars of bad memories; he wondered if Connor ever felt a moment of peace inside of his head about it.

The car door opened and Jude jumped, feeling strangely guilty about his thoughts. He shouldn't ruminate on things like that; he should just wait for Connor to tell him. He knew that he had to treat Connor's past with kid gloves. He looked over at Connor, who was carefully closing the car door.

"I'm sorry I'm so late," he said anxiously.

"Baby, it's seven minutes past eleven. And I told you that you could take a few minutes to get changed."

Connor had. He was wearing a black t-shirt, with a green and blue button up, with dark red jeans, and he was so casually beautiful that Jude didn't _want_ to keep his hands away from him. Connor was chewing on his bottom lip, though, a sure sign that he was thinking of something heavily, and Jude treaded carefully.

"How was Dr. Scott?"

"Good … Good. She was good. We talked about Jake. About crowds. Sometimes I don't do too well with those, but … it's less of a problem than most things. The thing that would be a big problem would be … if I were uncomfortable, making myself tell Jake. Because we all know I wouldn't. She … She said it might not be a bad idea to see, you know, if you weren't busy … to, um, call me at half-half t-time or something? To-to check up on me?" Connor ducked his head and blushed. "She likes you."

"I can absolutely call you at halftime."

"Only if you're not busy! If you and Taylor are doing something, then you don't need to worry about it! Don't feel like you have to!"

"Baby, I know I don't have to. It's just a five minute phone call. I promise I won't stop what I'm doing to call you, all right? But if I'm doing something where I can talk to you, then I'll call."

Connor slowly let out a breath. "That … sounds reasonable."

Jude reached out with one hand to caress Connor's bicep. He watched a hint of a smile creep onto Connor's face and he felt his heart lift. Connor seemed to be an easy sort of happy.

"And," Connor continued, "I think I'd like to go to the brunch place we went to before."

"Yeah, we can do that."

"But, I'd like to go back to your place with food."

"All right," Jude said, turning to face the front and starting the car. "Any reason why?"

"I don't think I'll ever be comfortable kissing you in public," Connor said simply.

"You want to kiss me?" Jude teased.

"You know I like kissing you. I … I like being with you. I like everything we do together." Connor hesitated. "M-m-m-maybe not my crying parts. But, uh, sometimes even those. Because I trust you. And I can be that way with you. And that means something to me."

Jude took one of Connor's hands as they drove.

"You know what I like about you, Jude?"

"My charm?"

Connor laughed. "That too. I just … I'm not scared of you. I can tell you … what I like and what I want and not internally start screaming over it. And, I can touch you and you can touch me and I like it. And I can be a real person with you and not … the victim that I was," Connor whispered. "I like how you make me feel and I like how I feel about you and I … want you to know that."

Connor was playing with his fingers, and Jude tightened one hand against the wheel of the car. His breath tangled in his throat. "You're so special, baby."

"Hmm."

"Hmm?"

"Hmm," Connor repeated again. He rested his head against the back of the seat, and Jude glanced at him anxiously. But Connor was smiling. "This is what it feels like to be happy, Jude."

"That's all I want for you."

"You don't always have to be so selfless."

"Well, I'd like for you to be happy with me," Jude said. "But, you know, I do care about you enough to want you to be happy, no matter what happens with me."

Connor didn't say anything, but Jude felt his boyfriend looking at him. He carefully parked in the café and turned off the car, and he turned to face Connor. "What?"

" _That_ ," Connor said, "is exactly what I'm happy with you."

"Let's go get breakfast," Jude said.

Connor followed him out of the car, and they ordered quickly. They lingered at a small table while their order cooked, and Connor leant on the table. Jude mimicked the position.

"What are you thinking?" Connor murmured. "If … If I can ask."

"What I'm always thinking about when I'm looking at you."

"I don't know what that is," Connor admitted.

"Your eyes. I really love looking into your eyes. And," Jude shrugged a little, "I think about running my hands through your hair sometimes. But I try not to bring that up because I know it'll make you uncomfortable."

"But you won't try."

"No. Not without your permission, anyway. But that's totally up to you whether that ever happens."

"Up to me," Connor repeated. He pressed this thumb into the table top.

"And your hair looks great today, baby."

"I … only brushed it a little. I spent the night on your couch."

"I remember. I was there too," Jude teased. "Uh. Well, I was kind of there."

A waitress appeared at the side of the table with two to-go containers carefully wrapped up.

"And I liked that you were there," Connor said.

"And I like you. Come on, I'm starving. What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm a little hungry."

They stood up from the table, and Jude slid his arm around Connor's waist as they walked out to the car, and Jude was glad to see the grin on Connor's face spread. He didn't know if someone's smile had ever meant quite this much to him before, and he just wanted to kiss him. But, he knew patience was a virtue, and so he held Connor's door open for him, and handed him the food. Connor held it carefully on his lap.

"Jude?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Do you think we could eat outside? I was just thinking that it's really nice out today and your apartment can get kind of dark."

"Your wish is my command," Jude said.

He circled around the side of the car and got in, driving quickly back to his apartment. When they arrived, he quickly grabbed the small side table that lived outside, and then he ducked inside of his apartment to grab an old beach towel to use as a faux tablecloth.

"Donald Duck?" Connor asked when it was spread over the table.

"This is a classy establishment."

Connor laughed and he put the containers on the table. "I can go get drinks or forks or whatever if you want me to."

"Come help me carry things, anyway. Please, baby?"

Connor put the food down. "I would have helped you without the cutesy please."

Jude bit his lip, and then he grabbed the sides of Connor's button-up, tugging at him gently. He saw Connor's expression change.

"Please, baby?"

"Did you just … flutter your eyelashes at me?" Connor laughed.

" _Maybe_." Jude tugged on Connor again, so that he was pulled into the apartment. "I thought you wanted to kiss me?"

"I do."

They were just inside the door, and Jude felt Connor's hand brush his face. Then, Connor gently cupped his chin and kissed him; Jude thought it might have been the most initiation Connor had done. He slid his hand around Connor's waist and pulled him even more forward.

"The food's going to get cold," Connor whispered.

"I have a microwave," Jude reminded him.

"Okay."

Jude's back pressed against the wall and Connor tipped over, catching his hands on either side of Jude.

"Oops."

He peered up at Jude, and Jude was taken off guard by how close he was. He knew Connor had never been pressed against him like this and Connor was just staring up at him. Jude ducked his head to kiss him, and Connor stretched to kiss him back. Jude's hands found Connor's waist, under his button up, and Jude couldn't keep his fingers from wandering across Connor's abs. Jude's breath quickened as Connor's fingers tangled in his hair to pull him closer. Jude pulled Connor as tightly to him as he dared, but Connor didn't tense in his arms like Jude had feared. When he brushed his fingers across Connor's abs again, though, a loud grumble emerged.

"Hungry?" Jude teased.

"A little," Connor admitted, slightly bashful.

"Then let's actually get drinks and stuff this time."

"Sounds good."

Connor didn't particularly look happy about standing up, and that made Jude laugh.

"We can kiss after breakfast too," Jude promised, following Connor into the kitchen. "I'm going to want to."

"I just like kissing you. I like being with you." Connor smiled, and he carried their glasses and some utensils out the door.

Jude grabbed syrup for his pancakes, some butter, and a jar of mango jam that Taylor had bought on a whim for him. It was the only thing jam he had for toast, though, and he carried it out the door. When he sat down, he grinned. Connor had plucked a few daisies from the lawn and placed them on the table. Jude picked one up.

"He loves me, he loves me not?" Jude asked, twirling the daisy between his fingers.

Connor shrugged. "You know how you can have two thoughts about something?"

"Like what?"

"Like how I can think that saying love is a game like seems a little dumb or naïve because someone being in love with you should be obvious and it shouldn't be a question, but I can also think that love is awful like that, in that you can never really know what anyone but yourself is thinking."

Jude paused. "Do you really think love is awful?"

Connor didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"All love?"

"No. I know good love exists. But the moment I get involved, the moment someone loves me, then something terrible is about to happen. So, I guess that means that I'm awful."

"Oh, baby, you're not awful."

Connor tapped his finger against the tines of his fork. "Can we not talk about it? I mean, it's a good day and I don't want to talk about past things and, really, neither of us are in love or are ever going to be in love, so what does it matter?" he babbled.

"We don't have to talk about it. Is your food still warm?"

Connor nodded.

They lapsed into safer topics, like the upcoming weekend. Jude was glad that Connor was starting to look forward to going to the basketball game with Jake, rather than just looking at the whole thing with trepidation. They talked about Connor's thoughts on his class that afternoon, and Jude drove him when it was time for him to go to class. When Jude got back to his apartment, he picked up one of the daisies that was still laying on the patio.

He stared down at it, and then slowly began to pluck the petals off.

"He loves me, he loves me not," he murmured over and over again. Until, finally, "he loves me not."

He closed his eyes and threw the stem into the grass that desperately needed to be mowed. Connor was right. The game was dumb.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Give Your Heart A Break**_ **by Demi Lovato. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	29. Fleurs Captives

"Did you rob a liquor store on the way over?"

"I didn't _rob_ it. I did, however, rob the ice-cream section at the grocery store, so if anyone who works there knows we're friends, you might want to find a new one to go to. How much room do you have in your freezer, anyway?"

"Not enough. So, we have to eat one now."

Taylor whirled around and grinned. "I like the way you think, Jude."

"So, we have enough booze and ice-cream to kill an army. Need I ask how you're doing?"

"No. So, what do you want to start with: beer or shots?"

"It's, like, four-thirty."

"Four-forty, actually," Taylor answered. "So, really, if we round, it's five o'clock. Plus, like, five o'clock somewhere, right?"

"It's your weekend, Taylor. I'm here for you."

"Then, shots! But, I have a drinking game to go with."

"That sounds like trouble."

"How much trouble can I possibly get in with you?"

"Uh, well, since my mothers aren't in hearing range, I guess I can answer that."

Taylor laughed. "All right, all right, so there's _some_ trouble. Left or right?"

"Right."

"So, it looks like we're starting with Chocolate Therapy."

"What was the other choice?"

"Chunky Monkey."

Jude walked up behind her and peeked over her shoulder. He quickly grabbed the container. "Let's just do both."

"Perfect!"

Taylor stacked the two ice-cream containers on top of one another in his hands, then stuck two spoons on top.

"Go sit, I'm getting the drinks."

Jude shook his head, but he walked over to the couch anyway, settling in his seat. He checked his phone, but there was no message from Connor. Jude didn't really expect there to be. Connor was overly aware of when Jude was spending time with friends, and didn't like to bother him. Jude didn't think of it as bothering, but he also knew it had less to do with him and more to do with Connor's ex-boyfriend.

"So, the game is we're going to watch _America's Next Top Model_. We drink every time a girl cries, a girl calls home, a girl from another season appears, and the judges talk about how cruel the industry is." Taylor slammed two shot glasses down on the coffee table, followed by a bottle of tequila.

"Can we at least have chaser?"

"Weak, Jude. You're weak."

"Whatever." He grabbed one of the bottles of soda he had, and then he returned to the couch. "All right, let's watch this."

"No complaints? Usually you whine about ANTM."

"You know I like _Project Runway_ better. But I just want you to be happy. And you want to watch this."

Taylor curled up next to him on the couch, putting her head on his shoulder. "Why can't you be my boyfriend?"

"Because I'm Connor's boyfriend."

"Right." Taylor sat up and started the show. Then, she prepared two shots for them. She sunk back into Jude's side. "So, how's it going with him?"

"Good. Really good." Jude leant forward and grabbed the ice-cream.

"Uh oh. What happened?"

"What makes you think something happened?" Jude asked, prying the lid off one of them.

"Because you just grabbed for those with a desperation to rival mine."

"No one's desperation rivals yours."

" _Rude!_ " Taylor smacked him on the arm, but Jude just laughed; he'd been expecting that. "So, was it a big something?"

"No, not like that. I don't even think he realized …" Jude sighed and jammed his spoon into the ice-cream. "So, he doesn't believe in love. I mean, he believes in love as a whole, he just doesn't believe in someone loving _him_."

"And the hopeless romantic is hurt by it."

"I'm not that hopeless," Jude murmured.

"And it's not like you're in love with him."

Jude stuck his spoon in his ice-cream, and then jammed the spoon into his mouth. He could _feel_ the look Taylor was giving him and he really didn't want to see it.

"Jude?"

"No," Jude said, his voice a little lackluster. "No, I wouldn't say I'm in love with him."

"So, what would you – Shot!"

Jude reached forward and down the shot, and then he took a swig from his soda bottle. He offered the bottle to Taylor, but she waved him off and refilled the shot glasses.

"So, what would you say?"

"That I really, really, really, really, really, _really_ like him. That it would be so easy to fall in love with him."

"Why don't you?"

"Because, with his past and everything, I … I know he won't fall in love with me back," Jude said, the lump in his throat aching.

"Didn't stop you from asking him out in the first place."

"I didn't know about all that stuff."

"You knew there was something. We talked about it, right off the bat, remember?"

"I was there. Shot."

They drank again.

"So?"

"So what, Taylor?"

"So why not let yourself fall? And if you're not going to let this thing go all the way, then why bother?"

"Says the queen of 'having fun'."

Taylor was unapologetic, and stole some of Jude's ice-cream. "You're the one that's always said that the two of us see dating and love and relationships differently."

Jude made a face, because she was right.

"And you're the one that keeps saying _he's_ different," Taylor added softly.

Jude shook his head. "We haven't been together that long. No point in worrying about it now."

Taylor made a small noise.

"What?" Jude asked.

"I've just never heard you sound scared before."

"I'm not scared! I just … really _can't_ lose him. And I know if I push him, then I _will_ lose him. I don't want to do that, Taylor."

Taylor looked surprisingly smug.

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing!"

" _Taylor_."

"It just sounds a lot like the selfless things that people in love say."

Jude dug his spoon into the ice-cream container that he was holding, getting just a bit of ice-cream on the end of it, and the he touched it to Taylor's nose. She shrieked and whacked the back of his hand with her spoon.

"Ouch! Hey!"

"Hey yourself! You didn't have to put ice-cream on my nose. Why would you?"

"Because I could! Why bother me about being in love?"

"Because I can. And because you're my best friend and it's obvious. But, fine, whatever, I won't push if you don't want me to. I just hope you and Connor are happy." Taylor sat up. "Speaking of lover boy, am I going to get to see him this weekend?"

"He wouldn't be against it, I don't think, if you wanted to. He's going to a basketball game with a friend tomorrow, but I know he's free any other time. Would you want to?"

"I think so. I mean, I didn't exactly give him the best impression of me, and I didn't really get to talk to him when I was totally sober. Maybe ask him?"

"I can definitely do that," Jude said. "So, how's Daria?"

"Better. We're good. She's a little annoyed that I said she was the one that was pregnant, versus me. But I think that's just because she thinks I jinxed her."

Jude reached forward and knocked on the coffee table.

"I know, right? But Daria's _so_ careful. Way more careful than I was, and I was pretty damn careful. I was so scared of … having what happened happen." Taylor shook her head, then lifted Jude's arm and tucked herself against his side.

"You're okay, Taylor," Jude said.

"Shot," Taylor replied.

(-.-)

Saturday morning, Connor video called his father, just like he was supposed to. He rearranged his legs more comfortably in his seat and picked up his coffee cup. When Adam called, he was seated at the kitchen table, drinking his own coffee.

"So, I was thinking you might not want to come back here for break. I know you and he didn't live right here, but you were close enough. I don't want to stir up those bad memories."

"Thank you."

"Your mom's favourite place in the world was New York, you know that."

Connor nodded.

"She always meant to take you."

They'd been going to go. The three of them, after his mother found out about the cancer. She had found out about it late, though, and by the time they had booked the trip and packed their bags, she had been too sick to take him. So he had spent days on her bed with her and her photo albums, talking about her memories of the city and her favourite places to go while she was there. She hadn't broken his heart by promising to take him when she got better; he wasn't young enough to believe it, and she loved him enough to tell him the truth.

"I know."

"So, I was thinking, we'd finally go this year. I'll take you to her spots, maybe tell you some stories you were too young for her to tell you."

Connor ducked his head and smiled down at his coffee. His hands were shaking as he thought about his mother's face and about visiting places that she had loved. He wanted to get to know her as the man he was now, as best as he could. He thought that she would like him. At the very least, he knew his mother would love him. He could feel that. Sometimes more than others, but he wanted to stand in her favourite place and feel it and no doubt it, even for half a moment.

Adam continued, "I was also hoping that it would be a good time for the two of us to get to know each other, spend some good time together. Maybe not the kind of father and son we should be, but at least try to be friends."

"I really like the sound of all of that, Dad."

"Good. Have you gotten your finals schedule yet?"

"No, it will probably be another two or three weeks."

"Okay, let me know so that I can book flights."

"I will."

"Do you want to come home for any part of break?"

"Um, no, not really. Unless you really wanted me to."

"No, that's okay," Adam shook his head. "If you don't want to, you don't have to. So, I'll fly out the day after your last final, and then we can leave the day after that. How does that sound?"

"I think that sounds good. Um, I … Dad?"

"Yes?"

"I'd still like you to meet Jude," Connor whispered.

"And I would still like to meet Jude," Adam said. "We'll see what time my flight is, and then maybe we can do dinner that night. If we can't, I'll make sure our flight the next day is late enough that we can do lunch. What do you think of that plan?"

"I like it. Oh! Wait!"

"What?"

"I keep forgetting to show you."

"Show me what?"

Connor spun around and grabbed his wallet. He pulled out the photo strip of him and Jude, and bent it carefully, so that their faces didn't get creased, but so that Adam wouldn't have to see them kissing. He wasn't sure if Adam was ready to see that; he wasn't sure if he was ready to show Adam that.

"I wanted to show you what he looked like," Connor held the photo up to the webcam as best as he could; his hands were shaking so badly he wasn't sure that Adam would be able to see the image clearly.

"He looks nice." Adam hesitated, and then added, "You both look happy. You look nice together."

Connor felt like he was glowing. "Thank you."

"You're meeting up with your friend tonight, right?"

"Yes. I'm meeting him at six-thirty. The game is at seven. I'm a little scared, Dad."

"You'll be okay."

Connor reached behind him to slide his empty coffee mug on the counter. "Everyone says that about me."

"Well, everyone's right."

"Thanks, Dad. I … I'm t-t-trying."

"I think you're doing well."

Connor wished people wouldn't compliment him. He never knew what to say to it, and he always left like they were lying to him anyway. "Dad? Um, would you mind if I hung up now? I … I kind of wanted to spend some time by myself before going to meet up with Jake."

"Sure. Text me or call me if you need anything."

"I will."

"I love you."

"You too. Have a good day, Dad."

Connor closed his laptop and put it away. He had no idea how tonight was going to go, and he was so utterly terrified of it that it left him paralyzed in his computer chair for far longer than it should have. Even when it was over, Connor still wouldn't believe that tonight would be fine.

(-.-)

When Jude woke, the first thing out of his mouth was Taylor's name. The second was, " _fuck_."

"There, there, Jude," she giggled.

"This is why I don't drink that much," he groaned, and shoved his head under his pillow.

Taylor laughed again. "I put water on your nightstand for you, honey. Though, I will say, you _should_ drink that much more often. You're funnier. Although you got kind of weepy around three a.m."

 _Three_? The last thing Jude remembered was _one_.

Jude sat up, a sick feeling in the back of his throat. His head felt heavy, and he pushed his curtains apart slightly. His apartment never got bright, but even the little bit of sunlight he could see left him feeling gross. He picked up the glass of water that Taylor had gotten for him and retreated back inside of his curtained bed, shutting them forcefully. Taylor was tucked up against the pillows on the other side, playing something on her phone.

"Why are you so fine?"

"Unlike some people, I'm not a baby."

"Shut up."

"Can't make me."

Jude took a long drink of his water. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's only, like, eleven-thirty. Why? Do we have big plans later?"

Jude shook his head, but that made him feel so dizzy he had to hand Taylor his water and slump back against his pillows. "Our big plan is to sleep all day."

"You have got to be joking."

Jude turned his head to look at her. "Nice bedhead by the way."

"Shut up!"

"Can't make me."

"Fine," Taylor said. "If you won't pick today's plans, I will. Call your boy toy so we can do lunch."

" _Don't_ call him that. He's more than that."

Taylor bit her lip. She leant across him to put the water down and then she squinted at him.

"Why are you looking at me like that? You're kind of creeping me out, Taylor."

"Do you remember all of last night?"

"Uh, not really and not clearly? Why?" Jude nudged her, though his hangover wouldn't let him smile like he normally would have. "Did we end up making out? Is this some kind of gross morning after?"

"Haha, _ew_ ," Taylor sneered. "But, no. You started talking about Connor."

"And? What's the big deal?"

"Drunk words are sober thoughts, right?"

"Just spit it out," Jude groaned. He couldn't imagine he'd said anything _bad_ about Connor. He _didn't_ think anything bad about Connor at all.

"You said you were in love with him."

"It's November!" Jude winced at his own volume. "I don't … I mean, I _can't._ I _like_ him, Taylor. I just care about him."

"Okay, whatever you say, Jude."

"It's my relationship, Taylor."

"I know, and you know you best. I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy, and I don't need to be in love to _be_ happy." He caught sight of her face. "I'm not scared to love him, really. It's just not the time to think about those feelings. You know, just because I like the idea of love a lot more than you do doesn't mean it's not a big deal to me."

Taylor sighed and she sunk back under the blankets next to him. She tucked herself into bed next to him, and the slight swaying of the mattress made Jude feel a little sick, but he put his arm around Taylor anyway.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "It's just easier to talk about you and Connor than anything else. It's going well for you and I want you to stay happy. I always want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy."

"And you deserve to be happy too, Taylor. It'll come. You don't need to worry about me, either. Things are good."

Taylor nodded. "So, going to call him about tomorrow?"

"I'll text him when my head stops spinning."

"That's fair," Taylor agreed.

"Did I say anything else?"

"Nothing else important. You got _really_ bitchy about the models on ANTM, which was _awesome_ ," Taylor said. "And then one of them had a sob story about her boyfriend and how much she missed him and loved him and you got onto the subject of Connor, which was sweet. And then you said 'I'm not scared to be in love with him; I'm scared to say it'. But with a lot more drunk slurring than that. I asked you what you meant, and then you started on a tangent about the word 'smize' and that was the end of it. For the record, I think you're right. Smize _does_ sound a little like an STD."

Jude laughed.

"So, now that you're not drunk anymore, are you going to explain what you meant?"

"I think smize sounding like an STD is self-explanatory."

"About the Connor part," Taylor clarified.

"I don't even remember saying it."

"Drunk words are sober thoughts."

"So you've said."

Jude tucked his arm behind his head, and Taylor draped herself across him.

"Were you okay last night? Sorry I was out of it. I should have been there for you."

"I don't need to be coddled," Taylor sniffed. "And you just goofing off and being Jude was the best thing for me. What I did was the right decision and I know that. I don't feel bad or guilty about it. So, I don't really need to be comforted. I just wanted to come here and have something feel normal. Because things don't feel normal at home. I keep feeling like Daria is looking at me funny."

"It'll work out."

"Yeah, yeah," she said cynically. "Are you too hungover to get breakfast for me?"

"Oh, _absolutely._ " Jude grabbed his phone. "Under B there should be 'Breakfast Place', one and two, and there's also 'Brunch Place' that delivers."

"I love you."

"I know."

"And you're paying."

"I know that too."

"How's a million pancakes sound?"

"Get me bacon and we've got a deal."

"Done," Taylor said, and hit the dial button.

(-.-)

Connor walked to the front of the gymnasium and he stood there awkwardly, waiting for Jake. He knew that he was early, but Connor had a tendency to be early to things. There were already people moving in and out of the building, but mostly in, wearing the bright red and gold colours of their university. There were, however, some people in silver and green colours, and Connor thought they must be from the opposing team. He wasn't lingering out front long when Jake appeared, happy and smiling, wearing a baseball cap with their team's mascot on it.

"Hey! You excited?"

"I think so? I, um, don't know that much about basketball."

"My girlfriend usually explains it to me, but, fine, I get to keep my masculine card by explaining chess to her. Which she dutifully plays with me on Saturdays if I get the wine coolers she likes."

"Sounds like a good girlfriend."

"Yeah, I love Amy more than anything," Jake said. "Come on, let's go in."

"Sure thing."

"So, how's your boyfriend?" Jake asked.

"G-g-good. He's got a friend visiting from, um, home this weekend."

"Old friends are great friends," Jake said. "But, new friends can be good too."

"I hope so," Connor said quietly.

They found their seats, which were incredibly close to the court, and Jake made a comment about how much of a basketball fan Amy was.

"Usually she's in full face paint and she puts me in full face paint," Jake said, "but I'm too lazy to do it when she's not doing it for me."

"She must be dedicated," Connor murmured. "I had to do Jude's face paint for Halloween. It … took me a while."

"Jude's the boyfriend?" Jake asked.

Connor nodded.

"What was his Halloween costume?"

"He was Scarecrow from _The Wizard of Oz._ "

"So not even a lot of make-up." Jake laughed, and Connor tried to laugh too, but he got the small feeling that Jake was laughing _at_ him. It wasn't unusual for him to feel that way, even when he knew better, and he knew he had to remember that he was paranoid and that he didn't think clearly.

"Eyebrows and his nose."

"You're a perfectionist, then," Jake mused. "Which is good for the sake of the project."

"The project is going well enough on its own." Connor shifted uncomfortably. The adrenaline in the air was getting to him, and he realized that he hadn't thought of how hyped everyone could be. He clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath. Fights broke out at sports events all the time; Connor just hoped that it wasn't going to happen at _this_ sports event.

"We've done a lot of work. At the very least, I think we'll pass."

"Which is the point," Connor murmured.

"True enough," Jake agreed.

They quieted as the cheerleaders hit the gymnasium floor, the music to the routine loud enough to rattle Connor's bones. He folded his hands in his lap and tried to find a way to sit that wasn't close to the people behind him, in front of him, or on either side of him. There was no good way to sit, and so he held himself still and tried to breathe. Jake wasn't bad, and being around Jake wasn't bad, he just wasn't sure if he would ever want to go through this again. He swallowed, and told himself to just think of halftime. He would get to talk to Jude and then, he would have time to breathe until it was over. He could do it, if he thought of it in slices.

"Oh, _ouch_ ," Jake said, wincing. "The splits."

Connor watched a small blonde woman drop into a perfect splits, and he cringed thinking of it too. "Yeah," he agreed, "the splits."

(-.-)

"Get it away, get it away, get it away."

Taylor waved the bottle under his nose, and Jude pushed her away, trying not to feel sick and dizzy.

"It's just you psychologically torturing yourself at this point. You're not hungover."

"I don't want to smell alcohol," Jude whined.

"Baby," Taylor sniffed. "It's a cooler. There's, like, nothing in it."

"How are you even still drinking?" Jude asked.

"I have a void in my life I need to fill."

Jude stared at her.

"Coolers aren't even real alcohol," Taylor said, while Jude shook his head.

"It's real alcohol if it makes my stomach churn," Jude said. "Just the smell of it makes me remember being really hungover and I just don't want to deal with that right now."

"Your loss," Taylor said. "But my gain, I guess."

"Just don't overdo it."

"I'm not going to poison myself and I'm not going to turn into an alcoholic but if I want to make my liver cry for one weekend out of the month, then that's entirely my business."

"I'm here for you."

"You keep saying!" Taylor cried impatiently. "I know that! We've been friends for long enough that I more than know that. Now, stop it and go back to being Jude. Okay? Thanks."

Jude sighed, but he didn't know if it was more at Taylor or himself, and he allowed himself to slump back into the couch. Taylor picked up her bottle of nail polish and went back to diligently painting her toenails; Jude had offered her his own to do as well, but she had shrieked at the disgusting nature of his feet and promptly turned him down. He flicked his eyes toward the TV show, but Taylor still wanted to marathon _ANTM,_ and Jude felt brain cells die every time that he tried to watch it, which is why he usually tried to avoid it.

"What should we do for dinner?" Taylor asked. "It's getting late."

"Eh. I have some stuff we could use to make food, we could order food again." Jude shrugged. "But I don't want to go out."

"Me either," Taylor said. "I've been in my pyjamas for like twenty-four hours and I don't want to break that streak."

"I need to call Connor in, like, half an hour."

"I won't let you forget. 'Cause you need to ask him about lunch tomorrow."

"I won't forget," Jude promised. "Mostly because I know you won't let me."

Taylor capped her nail polish bottle and wiggled her toes, trying to dry them.

"I like the yellow. Very pretty."

"Thanks!" Taylor pressed the sole of her foot against his arm, and Jude swatted her away.

"Don't be gross."

Taylor didn't let up. "At least my feet are prettier than yours."

Jude wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of agreeing with her, and so he shoved her feet away completely, though he was careful to grab her so that he didn't smear the nail polish. He knew how annoying it was when nail polish got messed up and it had to be redone. Also, it would give Taylor something else to squawk about. He and Taylor would sometimes rile each other on purpose, but tonight didn't feel like one of those nights.

"What kind of pizza do you want?"

"Surprise me! You know what I like! Or you should, anyway."

"Is this a friendship test?"

"If you have to ask," Taylor drawled.

Jude rolled his eyes and called the pizza place, ordering Taylor's favourite with the chocolate cake dessert. At the very least, it would keep her smiling, and Jude wanted her to smile. Then, he double-checked the time. It was _definitely_ half-time, and like he'd been asked to, he gave Connor a call. Connor answered on the third ring.

"Hi."

"Hey, baby. How is it? Do you need a fake excuse to escape?"

"Uhm, no," Connor said slowly, letting out a long breath. "The basketball game is stressful. Jake is being nice. He keeps talking about his girlfriend."

"In a cute way or an annoying way?"

"I think it's cute. He asked if I wanted to meet her after the game. She's working her restaurant job tonight, apparently, so we're thinking about going out to eat."

"Do you want to?"

Jude heard a hitch in Connor's voice and he waited patiently, leaning against the counter.

"I think so. Is it okay if I do?"

"Of course. I want you to have fun, make a friend."

"I'm not a kid."

"Mhm. So, who's winning?"

"I think we are, right now. But Jake said the other team wouldn't have a hard time catching up."

"Okay, have fun with the rest of the game, baby."

"I will. Are you having fun with Taylor?"

"Yeah. We're ordering a pizza. Oh! What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Um. Nothing. Homework. Probably recovering from tonight. Why?"

"Do you want to go to lunch with Taylor and I before she goes home?"

"I'd like that."

"We can do our readings after, if you want."

"I'd like that too," Connor said. "Um. When? Where?"

"Taylor and I haven't really talked about that a lot. She gets on her bus at three, though, so right at noon or close to it is probably best. What do you think about where?"

"It doesn't matter to me. Maybe Taylor should choose?" Connor suggested hesitantly.

"That's a good idea. I'll ask her and I'll text you when we figure it out, okay?"

"Okay. I should go back inside. I don't know when this halftime time thing ends."

Jude laughed. "Have fun. See you tomorrow."

"Bye, Jude."

Jude hung up the phone first, and then he headed back to the couch, sitting beside Taylor.

"Connor said –"

"Shh. They're about to kick someone out."

"This season is, like, four years old. You know who wins!"

"Shh!"

Jude laughed, and then he shut his mouth.

(-.-)

Connor sat on one side of the red booth, toying with a sugar packet. He and Jake were at a slightly old, though definitely packed, diner that was just a few minute walk off of campus. They had just arrived and Jake's girlfriend, Amy, was about to get off her shift so they were waiting for her to order their food.

"So, what did you think of the game?"

Connor shrugged. "It was … all right."

"Not much of a sports guy, then? I can relate. I don't mind watching it, but doing it, I absolutely hate."

"I played baseball for a while."

"Oh, that's cool. My first year roommate wanted to be on the school's team, but he flunked try outs. He was at the batting cages every day after that."

"Are there batting cages near here?"

"Yeah, they're about a ten or fifteen minute bus drive. Not bad at all."

Connor nodded, making sure to keep that in mind. His father had asked him again about the batting cages, and Connor was nervous about going. It wasn't because he thought baseball would remind him of his ex, though there was always that slight possibility. If it weren't for baseball, he and his ex wouldn't have met. But Connor didn't play after they got together. His ex didn't have any real interest in the sport; he was only at the field because he often had to drop off or pick up his little brother. Despite that, Connor didn't connect baseball to his ex-boyfriend. No, rather, Connor was worried about being bad at it. When he looked back at baseball, Connor knew for sure that he had been good. It was the one thing that he could say. _I played baseball once and I was good at it._ It was the one thing that had brought him and his father together; his father had pushed him to the best and Connor hadn't wanted to fail him, so he had done it. Now, Connor was afraid that he would be rusty and bad at it; he didn't want to be bad at it. But somehow he also knew that he would be worse off if he never went back. He had the opportunity to do something that had enjoyed again. Despite his father's expectations, Connor had liked the game.

"Jude and I have been thinking about going," Connor said, though it wasn't necessarily true, but bringing Jude's name into things helped Connor ground himself almost as much as Jude's actual presence did.

"Does Jude play?"

"No. He just wants to go with me."

Jake laughed. "He must really love you."

The word 'love' froze Connor. No, of course Jude didn't, and he knew that. He knew that so surely that the thought never even worried him. Jude might be a romantic, to be in love now, after only meeting in September, was only something a fool would do, and Connor knew that Jude wasn't like that. But Connor hated the word 'love' because nothing good ever came of it; not for him. Luckily, his lamenting wasn't noticed by Jake, as Amy had decided to make her appearance.

She slid into the red booth next to Jake, and immediately he pulled her into a kiss. Connor stared at her with interest; he hadn't known what to expect from her at all. From the way Jake talked about her, she had to be a woman who was larger than a life; Connor hadn't been sure how to conceptualize his words. Amy was a large woman. She was both tall and heavy, with light brown skin and deep blue eyes. Her thick, long braid was impeccably done and hanging over her shoulder. When she moved, the gold bracelets on her left arm jingled.

It took long enough for the kiss to end that Connor was blushing and awkward by the time Amy faced him. She offered her hand and he shook it gently.

"So? Who won the game?"

"W-w-we d-d-did," Connor said.

"But it was _so_ close, we almost didn't. We _just_ made that last basket."

"I can't believe I missed it! But Erica owes me her soul for covering her shift so it might be worth it." Amy grinned brightly at Connor. "Hopefully you at least enjoyed the game so the tickets weren't a complete waste."

"I liked it," Connor said. "It was my first basketball game."

"Oh, really? Well, I'm glad it wasn't terrible. And hopefully Jake wasn't too boring."

"He talked about you a lot," Connor said, and then he immediately wondered whether he should have or not.

"Of _course_ he did." She rolled her eyes. She glanced at Jake. "Don't you have anyone else to gossip about?"

"Yeah, you're just my favourite subject."

Connor expected a laugh or even just the slightest giggle. If his ex had said something that sweet to him, he would have absolutely melted, because his ex would have never said something like that of his own accord. And if Jude were to say that to him, Connor knew that he would blush, perhaps hide his face away because he was so embarrassed about how much Jude's sweet words meant to him.

Amy rolled her eyes and muttered, "Fool."

Then she shoved Jake.

It had been a light-hearted push. A gentle hand to Jake's bicep that barely bobbled him. But it made Connor's breath catch, because he just didn't see that. Hits, even ones that were delivered so gently, were only built for pain. He dug his fingernails into his thighs to try and steady himself. He watched Jake's face, because Jake smiled and affectionately rested his head against Amy, and that wasn't what abused people did. Connor knew. He'd never smiled in the aftermath, but sometimes he had crawled toward his ex, begging to be let back in his arms and his good graces, but that reaction was rare. Most of the times, he would slowly uncoil himself from the corner, nurse his wounds, and then go along with his day, waiting for the world to put itself back in order. Eventually, it would happen. Eventually it would fix itself, but not after fear and horror and tears and self-hatred. It was never like the tap that Amy had given Jake, but Connor still felt ill.

"Don't get the chowder," Amy warned them, both she and Jake oblivious to Connor. "It just looks a little sketchy."

"Okay. I'm just going to get the fish tacos," Jake said. "Those good?"

"Yep." Amy shut her menu. "Connor, what are you thinking?"

That he might keel over and die. That he was so shaky he didn't think that he didn't think he could eat.

"Um, excuse me," he said, and he bolted to the bathroom. He locked himself in one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet, lowering his head into his hands.

Hitting didn't, necessarily, equal abuse. Not like what he had seen. That wasn't even _hitting_ necessarily, but Connor's chest was constricting and he couldn't stop thinking of it like that. He couldn't think and he couldn't breathe and whether or not his eyes were opened or closed, he could see his ex so clearly that it was like the man was standing in front of him again. He stared up at the ceiling, feeling his face grow warm as he tried to hold down tears. He shouldn't feel this way and things like this shouldn't be so alien to him but they were and he hated himself for it so completely that he stopped knowing how to think at all. He sat there, knowing that he had to try and make some kind of excuse; that he was too rattled to sit and have a conversation and that he would do nothing more than annoy Jake and Amy if he did. But Connor hated the thought of lying to them. He didn't want to feed them an excuse that he knew wasn't true because there was nothing good about lying. And to get caught in a lie … No, he would never want that to happen.

He left the bathroom on unsteady feet. He wasn't ready to go back to the main dining floor, but he knew that it would look strange if he stayed in there much longer. The only thing worse than leaving was for Jake to think that he had to come in and look for Connor. He moved toward the table, feeling as if everything was in slow motion.

"I-I-I," he started stuttering when he reached the table, thinking that he'd mumbled out that he was sorry and see what happened from here.

"Oh, wow, you look really sick," Amy said. "Are you feeling all right?"

Connor shook his head; and it wasn't even a lie!

"You look like you should lay down," Jake said. "I'll walk you back to your dorm."

"We both will," Amy said, already starting to pull on her jacket.

"N-no, it's ok-kay. I … I'll be fine."

"Really, you look like you might pass out," Amy said. "I don't know if you should be walking alone."

But Connor knew that he would pass out if they were walking with him. Once he was on his own and walking, he thought it would all clear away. So he shook his head.

"At least let me give you my number so you can text me when you get home safe, okay?" Jake said. "If I don't hear from you in an hour, then I'll send out help."

"We should really go with him," Amy insisted.

"Campus isn't exactly dead right now. If something happened to him, then there's going to be someone who notices, and I know you like to baby people, but he's clearly not a kid."

"Sorry," Amy murmured. "I'm the mom friend."

"I'll be okay," Connor tried to assure her, but his lackluster tone left Amy making faces.

"Let me give you my number," Jake repeated, and Connor handed over his phone. "I hope we'll hang out again soon, I had fun tonight."

 _Really?_

"Me too. I'll see you in class."

"See you."

Jake handed Connor back his phone, and Connor raced out the door. He couldn't wait to get back to his room.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Fleurs Captives**_ **by Nicole Dollanger (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	30. Heart Of Gold

Taylor pulled her legs up onto Gerald's passenger seat and looked out the window. "Your campus makes mine look small."

"Your campus is a little small," Jude said. "Join me."

"Your campus is a little too big for me. Even if the dorms look that nice."

Jude parked in the nano parking lot. Connor was already standing in the entryway of the tall building and he pushed the door open and headed toward them.

"I'll say it again, Jude, he's _cute_. You're lucky."

"I know," Jude agreed.

Jude watched in the rear view mirror as Connor slid in the back seat of the car, glancing around before hesitantly shifting a textbook to the opposite side of the seat. He looked up, meeting Taylor's eyes.

"Hey, how are you?" she asked brightly.

"Um, good. How are you?"

Jude didn't think he sounded good. Connor's voice had that subdued quality it gained when something emotionally drained him. He wanted to crawl into the backseat and hold Connor, but he couldn't; he just reached his hand back, and Connor stretched forward to brush his fingers. Jude smiled at him, and Connor was slow to return it.

"I'm doing great," Taylor said. "We had a good weekend. Jude got drunk and yelled at the models on _ANTM._ "

"Oh. That, um, sounds like fun."

"It was hilarious. Next time, though, I'm going to have to tape it, because he doesn't remember anything."

Jude winced as he saw Connor's expression reflected in the mirror. He saw Connor try and rearrange his features, but he couldn't imagine what Connor was thinking. Connor didn't drink because of his ex's problem with alcohol and Jude hadn't hidden his own parents' problems with alcohol. Connor knew about Jude's own little rules for himself when he was drinking. Jude would never give up drinking for Connor, he liked the times that he would get to relax with a drink, but he knew that he wouldn't push himself past his usual rules when he was with Connor. But there was still concern on Connor's face as he sat in the backseat, and Jude didn't want to ignore Connor's feelings.

"Um … where did you pick for lunch, Taylor?" Connor asked.

"There's a diner around my bus stop that I really like. And you can never go wrong with good burgers, right?"

"Right," Connor confirmed.

"So, what did you do last night? Jude said you went to see a basketball game?"

Jude slowly began to drive as Taylor coaxed answers from Connor about last night's game. Connor commented on the crowds and the noise; he said he was glad that their team had won. Taylor got him to admit that he would have hated to lose, so to speak, the first game that he attended. Jude stayed quiet, wanting to listen to the two of them talk. It was important to him that Connor and Taylor get along, but he knew that there was a chance that Taylor's brashness and Connor's quiet personality would end up conflicting. There was none of that.

He knew Taylor, whether or not she actually liked Connor, would double her effort to like him, just for Jude. Jude knew that Taylor genuinely liked Connor, though, and Connor, hesitant as he was, liked Taylor. He didn't think that Connor liked Taylor as much as Taylor liked him, but Jude thought that could also change.

Jude parked next to the diner. "Okay, everybody out!"

"Thank God, I'm _starving_." Taylor flicked her hair and looked at Connor. "He never feeds me."

Jude rolled his eyes as they climbed out of the car. He tucked his hand on Connor's elbow and walked with him. "She's lying. I've never seen anyone eat as much as she does."

"I heard that!" Taylor appeared on Jude's other side.

Jude laughed. "You were supposed to."

" _Why you gotta be so rude_?" Taylor sang.

Jude shook his head and Connor held the door open for Jude and Taylor. Jude reached behind him, offering his hand to Connor. He was relieved when Jude took his hand, holding him tightly. More tightly than Jude thought he would, and he wondered what was on Connor's mind. He wondered if it was more than the drinking than Taylor had mentioned, and Jude was convinced that it wasn't the end of the story. He knew Connor didn't _like_ drinking, but it wasn't as if Connor had attempted to stop him from drinking on Halloween.

"Table for three?"

"Please," Taylor said to the hostess. In a whisper, she added to Jude, " _She's cute_."

"She's all yours," Jude joked.

They were led to a booth, and Taylor slid into one side, stretching her legs across the seat. Jude laughed to himself a little, then turned to Connor.

"Inside or outside?"

"In, please," Connor said quietly.

"After you, baby," Jude said, waving him in. Connor slid against the wall and he leant against it.

Jude made sure to leave some space between Connor and himself, but Connor sought out Jude's hand again. Jude grinned as Connor tightened his grip, and he reached out with one hand to flick through the menu.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"The biggest burger I think I can stomach," Taylor replied. "And a salad, 'cause anything with grated egg on it is something I need in my life."

"Grated egg?" Jude repeated.

"Don't judge, it's delicious."

"I think it sounds really good," Connor said supportively.

"See, he's smart," Taylor said. "I like this one."

Jude lifted Connor's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles.

"I like you too, Taylor," Connor said.

"Maybe I can steal you from Jude," Taylor mused.

"Good luck," Connor said quietly.

Jude glanced over at Connor. "You're not steal-able?"

Connor's eyes were soft, but his grip on Jude's hand was tight enough that Jude felt he could crumble in Connor's grasp. He knew Connor wouldn't; he knew Connor just needed something to hold onto.

"No," Connor said, his voice now a whisper. "I really don't think I am."

"Please don't give me a cavity," Taylor said quickly. "I don't need to know exactly how much of you is made out of mush, Jude."

"A lot of me. Ooh, all day breakfast."

"Don't you still have, like, eighty containers of pancakes in your fridge?"

"Something like that," Jude mused.

"Why do you –"

"We ordered delivery for breakfast the other morning."

At being interrupted, a flash of annoyance came across Connor's face. He quickly hid it, unfortunately, his next expression was one of submission, and Jude hated that expression. He could only imagine what Connor was thinking in those moments, but Jude hated all of the guesses that he came up with.

"Hey, guys, have you decided what you wanted or did you need another minute?"

Taylor jumped at ordering, and Jude quickly raked his eyes across the menu, ordering the first thing that he thought sounded good. After Connor said what he wanted, Taylor excused herself to the washroom, and Connor let out a heavy sigh.

"What is it, baby? Is everything okay?"

"Taylor's a more intense person than I'm used to." Connor furrowed his brow.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah." A smile tugged at the corners of Connor's mouth. "I mean, I'm still not going to let her steal me."

Jude chuckled.

"I like her. I just don't know, if she lived closer, if I would be able to spend a lot of time with her. And I feel really bad for saying that, because she's your best friend and I should feel better about her."

"You're free to dislike her, you know."

"But I _don't_. I do like her. She's just … intense."

"And it's okay to say that. I'm glad you can be honest about that." Jude rested his chin on Connor's shoulder and kissed Connor's cheek. "Is there something else on your mind? You've been a little odd so far."

"Are we still going to study after Taylor goes home?"

"Yeah. If you want to. Why?"

"Can we talk about it then?" Connor asked. "It's something I'd rather say at your place."

"Okay," Jude agreed. "But you're okay?"

Connor nodded, but it was a little stiff.

"Is it about my drinking?"

Connor shook his head. "I'm not comfortable with drinking, but I'd never tell you to stop, since it's not a problem for you. Like, you don't drink enough where I worry about you or think you need to deal with it, so … I mean, I can't say anything. And I know that if I were there, then you'd be more aware of what you're drinking and how much and … I'm rambling now."

"A little. But finish your thought, please?"

"I really appreciate what you do for me. And I know you're a good person, Jude. You clearly didn't traumatize Taylor, so, your drinking doesn't bother me."

Taylor slid back into the booth seat. "God, where's our food?"

"We just ordered, give them a minute."

"Ugh."

Jude laughed.

"So, what did you talk about while I was gone?"

"You, of course," Jude answered.

Then, Taylor laughed. She leant across the table. "Did you talk about your birthday?"

"No. Why?"

"Because it's next weekend and we're going to be home and we're going out and I was just wondering if Connor was going to be there too."

Jude bit down on his lip, watching Connor shift slightly away from him on the booth seat.

"I didn't bring it up," Jude said.

Connor's grip became so loose on Jude's hand that Jude had to let go of him completely.

"Oh." Taylor let the word drag to the point where Jude had to narrow his eyes at her. She mouthed, "What?"

"Stop," he said quietly, keeping an eye on Connor. He knew how uncomfortable Connor would be if he noticed the conversation he was being left out of.

Connor's comfort was the reason that Jude hadn't asked him to come home with him on his birthday weekend. Jude would love to have him there. The issue was that Jude was going home for the _entire_ weekend. He had a family dinner on Friday night and then he and his friends were going out to bars on the Saturday. Connor had met moms, yes, but the idea of meeting Jude's siblings had made Connor look so uncomfortable that Jude didn't want to bring it up again, at least, not this soon. There was just so much about this weekend that was outside of Connor's comfort zone. Jude knew that if he really wanted Connor there and he asked, Connor would do his best to say 'yes' to him. And if it had just been one part of the weekend, Jude might have asked, because asking Connor to take a small step outside of his comfort zone didn't feel like such a big deal. But to ask Connor to do all of those things at once just seemed rude and unfair.

"Do you have any plans for your real birthday?" Taylor continued.

Jude smiled at her. She knew full well that he did and she knew what they were. "I'm spending my real birthday with Connor."

"If you still want to," Connor said, wiping at the condensation on his water glass.

"Of course I still want to. I've been looking forward to our plans since we made them."

Connor looked at him doubtfully, but when Jude reached for Connor's hand again, Connor was reaching back.

"So cute," Taylor said with an eye roll. "So cute."

"He makes up most of it," Jude joked, and a blush tinged Connor's cheeks.

"Yeah, that I believe," Taylor snorted.

"Do you believe it?" Jude asked Connor quietly.

"Oh, um …"

Jude nudged his cheek against Connor's shoulder. "Baby?"

Connor quickly kissed the top of Jude's head and Jude couldn't stop grinning, even as their food was dropped off.

(-.-)

Connor sat in the passenger seat of Gerald and watched Jude and Taylor stand at the bus stop. He could see the bus approaching in the rear view mirror, and Jude and Taylor hugged goodbye. Connor picked at the seam of his jeans, and then switched the song that was playing on his phone. He didn't want to intrude on Jude's and Taylor's small moment, but he didn't know what else to do with himself. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to going back to Jude's apartment and curling up on the couch with their textbooks. It was perhaps the lamest daydream that he could be having about his boyfriend, but the thought of it brought a sense of contentedness over Connor and that feeling meant so much to him. The peace that Jude brought meant so much to him.

There were things, though, that could unsettle him. Connor knew that was more about him than it was about Jude. The thing about Jude, though, was that Connor always felt like he could talk to Jude, and he loved that feeling. It meant a lot to him that he could do that, because he felt like he had been holding his tongue for most of his life.

Jude got back in the car.

"You'll miss her?" Connor asked.

"I'll see her next weekend," Jude reminded him.

Connor's heart felt heavy. Right. His birthday. Connor had known Jude was going home for his birthday weekend, and he hadn't really thought about going with him. He hadn't been invited, it was Jude's weekend, Jude was spending his real birthday with him, and, honestly, it never crossed his mind that Jude might ask him to be there. Connor hadn't thought it weird that Jude hadn't extended an invitation until Taylor made a big deal about Jude not asking. Now Connor was wondering why Jude hadn't at least asked. Jude usually asked him about things, even when he thought Connor would say no.

"It's not that I don't want you to come," Jude said. "I just knew that everything involved would be such a big deal to you, and I really didn't think that you'd want to. Maybe I made a mistake again, thinking that I was protecting you and forgetting you can make up your own mind about things. I'm not just saying it because Taylor brought it up. I would love it if you were there, but I know it was a big deal for you to have dinner with my moms. I really didn't think you'd want to spend two nights overnight, going out with them and my siblings one night and then going out to a bar the other night."

"Oh."

Jude had started the car, but he didn't take it out of park. "What are you thinking, baby?"

"I like being asked things, even when you know I'll say no. I just like the chance to speak for myself."

"I know. I mean, I know that, but I don't always remember it. I know I've got to work on that."

"There's not a lot you have to work on, so I think you'll be okay," Connor said.

"Would you want to come with me this weekend?"

"I'm scared."

"Of?"

"Meeting your siblings, especially Callie. And I want you to be able to have fun when you're with your friends. I don't want to make you worry about me or hold you back. You're right, Jude, it's probably best I don't go."

"Hey, I never said it's best if you don't go. I'd love to have you there, my siblings will like you, _Callie_ will like you, and you don't hold me back from anything."

"Do you mean that?"

"Completely."

Connor believed him. When Jude looked at him like that and spoke to him with such conviction, there was no way that Connor could doubt him.

"Just like always, you don't have to give me an answer now, baby. I won't be leaving until after classes on Friday, so if you want to go, you have plenty of time to figure it out and tell me. I want you there, but I don't want you to come if that's the only reason you would. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes," Connor said decisively. "I understand. I don't know what I think yet, Jude."

"And that's okay. What do you want to do now?"

"I'd still like to go to your apartment if you want me to."

"I want you to," Jude promised, and he quickly drove off.

It took about fifteen minutes to get to his apartment, and the whole time, Connor was quiet. Quiet enough that Jude worried about how he leant against the window and watched the familiar sights passing him by. When Jude reached for his hand, Connor didn't reach back, and Jude was left gripping the wheel and wondering what to say. When they pulled into his driveway and Jude turned the car off, Connor hopped out like he always did. They held hands walking down the pathway, and Jude unlocked the door with shaky fingers.

"What's on your mind, baby?" Jude asked as the door swung open.

Connor slowly stepped inside, leading Jude. He didn't face him as he asked, "Would you hit me?"

"What? Baby, no, I told you forever ago, I'm never going to hit you. I don't want to hurt you. No matter what you do, that's not how this works. That's not who I am or who I want to be."

"I don't mean hit me like that. I mean, I saw … Amy hit Jake. After the basketball game."

Connor let go of Jude's hand to curl up on his end of the couch. When he pulled the plaid blanket around him, Jude felt like hanging his head. Instead, he took a seat on the far end of the couch and carefully asked, "How did she hit him?"

"Gently. She didn't want to hurt him. I could tell that she didn't want to hurt him. They were laughing and she gave his shoulder a shove and his other shoulder hit the wall and he wasn't upset. He was still laughing and she was still laughing. That happens in friends, doesn't it? Relationships too? Have you ever hit Taylor like that?"

"Oh. I, um, I don't think of that as hitting her, though. Like, if she came up to me and said someone had hit her, that's not what I'd think of. Hitting someone sounds like something negative."

"It bothered me to watch it either way," Connor confessed. "I didn't eat dinner with them. I left early. I told them I didn't feel good. I didn't want to lie to Jake or Amy. I think he's my friend now, and she seems really nice. But I did feel a little sick about what I'd seen because I didn't really understand. I don't see how that could happen to someone and then they come back laughing. But my thoughts and what I went through are only mine and it's not what anyone else has gone through. I need to remember that."

Jude propped his elbow against the back of the couch and then leant on his hand. "That kind of sounds like a therapy line."

"Kind of," Connor said. "Paraphrased, but same idea. It's just one of those things that I should know. That before my ex, I probably did know. I know I goofed off with friends and we definitely shoved each other and definitely crossed lines that I'd freak out at now. I just … don't want that sort of interaction to be something I don't know or something that I'm confused by because it's normal. But normal gets hard and confusing and I hate that it does and …" Connor stopped, frustrated, and hid his face under the blanket. Jude barely caught his lament of, "I want to be different."

"You're perfect the way you are."

Connor peeked one eye out of the blanket. "Please don't lie to me."

"That's a fair request," Jude said. "Okay. For your _own_ mental health and well-being, yes, there are things that you need to work on, but you don't need to be an entirely new person. I like you for who you are."

"Does that mean you won't like me as much when I start getting better? That'll make me change."

"Baby, that's not what I meant." Jude gently tugged at the side of the blanket. "And I think you know that's not what I meant."

"I know. I'm sorry. It was just a thought that I had. I thought that I should say it. I want to share with you, even when they're not very good thoughts."

"Are you okay?"

"I think I will be." Connor shifted. "I'm sorry I'm like this."

"You don't need to be sorry. I like you."

Connor opened the side of the blanket and took Jude's hand. He pulled a little on Jude's hand, and Jude sidled closer and closer, until they were huddled under the blanket together. Connor leant his forehead against the top of Jude's. Jude tilted his head up, and Connor looked down at him. There was an odd look in Jude's eye that he didn't totally understand. It was a new expression, but it didn't look like a bad expression. Connor reached up his hand and ran it through Jude's hair, and Jude smiled at him. Connor touched the pad of his thumb to Jude's lips, tracing his way across the feature.

"Can I ask what you're thinking?"

"I love your eyes," Jude murmured, and Connor's heart skipped a beat.

Jude had said it before. It was always his eyes, but Connor's heart still felt strange when Jude started off with the word 'love'. Jude meant it innocently. Connor was confident of that, but love never worked out. That being said, Connor was discovering that he had a selfish side. He liked that Jude would compliment him and look at him like that. He liked the way that he felt with Jude and he liked the way that Jude was with him. He liked the way that Jude was.

"You want to know something?" Jude asked.

"Always."

"My moms, even before they met you, asked if I was going to bring you home for my birthday."

"Really?"

"Really. I mean, it was right before I took you home, but before they knew I was bringing you with me to dinner at all and … I don't know. I just thought you'd want to know that."

"I like to know things. I like that you tell me things. I … I … I like that you kiss me too," Connor murmured.

"Kiss you like this?" Jude asked, and his lips caught the underside of Connor's chin. "Or like this?" He kissed Connor's cheek.

And Connor laughed, because it was sweet and innocent, and it encompassed all of the things that he liked about being with Jude. Connor dipped his head and kissed Jude's lips. Jude kissed him softly, sliding one hand along his ribs, underneath his button-up. Jude's hands were so warm and Connor didn't think that he'd ever be able to settle into being touched so casually and easily. He didn't think he'd get used to the way he felt when Jude touched him, because it was Jude touching him and that meant a little something more to him. When Jude's lips left his, Jude kissed him on the tip of his nose.

"Can we procrastinate on studying?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. It was still fairly early afternoon and, really, whenever he went over to Jude's, he never planned on a small, short visit. He liked the way that day would turn into night while they watched movies and read their books. He liked the way their conversations would stretch into one topic and then, so much later, circle back into a previous one.

"Want some ice-cream?" Jude asked. "Taylor left some here."

"Yeah, that sounds really good. Thank you."

Jude put the remote in Connor's hand and told him to find something to watch. Connor found one of the reality shows that they usually didn't mind talking over. He wanted to know more about Jude's weekend. He wanted to hear Jude talk.

Jude came back with two spoons and a small carton of ice-cream. "What are we watching?"

"Another tattoo show."

"The competition one or the one where they fix bad tattoos?"

"Neither. I found another one."

"Impressive." Jude put the ice-cream and spoons down on the coffee table and then he sat down. "Are you going to cuddle me?"

Connor nodded. "I'm sorry I'm a little off today."

Had he said that already? He wasn't sure. But he thought that he should say it again. Jude just smiled at him, and it was more reassuring than anything that he could have said. Connor opened the blanket and Jude snuggled in. It took a moment for them to find a comfortable position, and the quick movement of limbs teetered on the edge of being a little too much, but Jude was laughing as he ended up half-tucked onto Connor's lap.

"Is this okay? I don't want to squish you."

"You're not that heavy," Connor promised.

"Good." Jude grabbed the ice-cream off the coffee table and grabbed their spoons. He handed Connor one with a flourish. "Bon apetit, baby."

"Shouldn't you say 'baby' in French too, then?"

"But I don't know it," Jude said, already reaching for his phone to search for an answer. A few seconds later, he said, "Bon apetit, _bébé._ "

"I … I don't think that's what a French accent sounds like."

Jude shrugged. "What am I supposed to know? I never took French." He popped the top of the container. "First bite's yours."

"Thank you."

Jude folded his knees a little more so that they were tucked closer to Connor's chest. There was half a container of ice-cream left and the two of them finished it fairly quickly. When it was done, Jude lifted Connor's arm, and tucked himself under it. Gently, Connor rubbed Jude's shoulder, the tips of his fingers sliding underneath of Jude's t-shirt sleeve. Jude's skin was soft and warm, and, as Jude rested his head on Connor's shoulder, Connor rested his head on Jude's. This time last year, Connor would never have believed that he would be in the arms of another man or that he would ever feel so comfortable in someone's arms at all. He didn't have to think about anything like where his hands were and he didn't have to be hyper aware of what the other person wanted, even more than he was aware of what he wanted himself. He knew that Jude was as happy in this moment as he was, and Connor could relax.

Jude tapped at his chest and Connor's eyes stopped lazily drifting shut. Jude wasn't close enough to his neck or face that Connor was about to panic, but Jude was high enough on his torso that he needed to be aware of where Jude's fingers were heading. Jude kept touching the same area, and finally Connor frowned.

"What is it?"

"Oh. I can see the scar on your collarbone when we're like this," Jude confessed, "and I was just trying to figure out where it ended."

"You could have asked."

"I should've," Jude agreed.

Connor picked up Jude's hand in his own, letting his fit the shape of Jude's. He laid his palm against the back of Jude's hand and made sure their fingers could take the same position. He tucked down all of Jude's fingers but his index finger, which Connor made sure that Jude would let him control. Jude let Connor guide him, and Connor tilted his neck to make sure their joined fingers couldn't touch it. Then, he started at the top of his scar that cut down across his collarbone and almost reached his left nipple. The start of the cut was deeper than the bottom of it; there was thicker scar tissue on his collarbone than further down his chest. In fact, the visible scar didn't reach as far as the actual wound had. Connor found himself tracing the original wound. He didn't know why he thought Jude should know. He doubted Jude would ever see him shirtless and, if he did, he didn't think Jude would notice the barely half-inch difference. But he took Jude's hand all the way down, and then he twisted their hands so that they were holding one another. Their joined hands rested against Jude's thigh, and Connor waited for a reaction.

Jude gently bent his head and kissed Connor's chest near the middle of the scar. Overwhelmed, Connor drew Jude further into his arms. Jude settled into Connor's lap and rested his head on his chest. Connor had never realized that Jude could feel so small and he tightened his arms. He always worried about sharing his past. He always worried that something would be the breaking point.

"Jude?"

"Connor?"

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

Jude shifted in his grasp and Connor found himself clinging tightly to Jude. Jude sounded subdued; the way that Connor usually imagined that _he_ sounded when things were weighing on his mind. He was relieved when he didn't have to prompt Jude for more answers.

"How many more hurts do you have?" Jude asked. "You don't have to tell me the whys or the stories or show me or anything like that. Just … how much is there?"

"How much is too much?"

Jude looked up at him, and his brown eyes were so warm that Connor had to press their foreheads together to avoid becoming overwhelmed. "I don't think there is a too much. I just want to know. Is that wrong?"

"No," Connor admitted, though he felt as if there were something stuck in his throat as he did. "Um. Can you sit up?"

Jude did immediately, without asking questions, but he turned to face Connor on the couch.

"Can I, um, move you?"

"Yeah, of course."

Connor placed one of Jude's hands on Jude's own thigh, just to guarantee that it wouldn't move. Then, he picked up Jude's other hand in his own. He started with the scars that Jude already knew about, and he touched Jude's index fingers lightly to the tops of his thighs over his jeans.

"The cigarette burns here." Up along the scars on his forearms. "The burner and the other one." A gentle touch to the edge of his collar bone. Then, he touched a few more places along his torso and his abdomen, then, he traced the large mess of scar tissue on his ribs. "Those are all from the same thing."

"That one's big," Jude said.

Connor nodded. "Maybe I'll tell you that story someday. But not yet. I'm not ready."

"That's okay. Is there anything else?"

Connor moved closer to the middle of the couch and his knee pressed against Jude's. He wound their hands so that they were touching the middle of his spine.

"I don't know exactly where they are on my back. They're small. Sometimes, when he got mad, not like _really_ mad, just a little mad, he would throw things at me, like glasses or a beer bottle or something and it would break against my back. Sometimes I would get glass stuck in them."

Jude flattened his hand out and ran it over the entirety of Connor's back. Connor trembled.

"I'm sorry, Jude."

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

Connor blinked and opened his mouth, thinking of how sorry he was for even existing the way that he did. Instead, he frowned. "I … I'm not sure." He looked to Jude's facial expression, thinking that there would be something there that would help guide him. "I'm not sure I have anything to apologize for this time?"

Jude nodded and Connor sagged in relief. He didn't want to be wrong; not at all. Jude moved to snuggle up to Connor again, and Connor gladly let Jude back into his arms. Jude curled back up in his lap and Connor secured his arms around his boyfriend.

"Your heart just picked up speed," Jude murmured. "What are you thinking?"

"I was thinking of you as my boyfriend."

"And it made your heart beat that fast?"

Connor brushed his hand through Jude's hair. "In a good way."

"Can I say something without you thinking that you're doing something wrong or that you need to change what you're doing?"

"Yeah …" Connor said apprehensively. Anything could come out of Jude's mouth right now.

"I'm surprised you're letting me on you like this. I like it and I'm comfy. I just thought out would be too much for you for me to be on top of you like this."

"I keep thinking it should be," Connor admitted shakily. "But you're not trying to squish me or get the other hand. You're just here with me and it's nice. Like … L-l-like this is how boyfriends should be."

Jude seemed to curl up even smaller. "Your heart sped up again."

Connor kissed the top of Jude's head and pulled the blanket up around them.

"We'll do the readings soon," Jude promised.

"I know we will."

Like with everything else, Connor trusted Jude on that too.

(-.-)

"Try this," Connor said, holding out a fork to Jude.

Jude opened his mouth and let Connor feed him one of the homemade fries that he'd made.

"I'm not sure about the seasoning," Connor said anxiously.

Jude covered his mouth with his hand. "It's really hot."

"Like spicy? I didn't put anything spicy on it."

Jude laughed, swallowing the fry. "Baby, it just came out of the oven."

"Oh! It didn't burn you, did it?" Connor swept across the kitchen to where Jude was sitting on the counter. He gently took Jude's face in his hands, turning it toward the light. "Your lips look okay. I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"Maybe you should check if my lips are okay," Jude said. He wasn't sure if Connor would pick up on the hint or not, but he did, and Connor kissed him gently. "Are you sure that was good enough to know for sure?"

Connor rested his hands against Jude's waist and Jude let his hands curl around Connor's forearms. "But were my fries okay?"

Jude almost laughed, but he knew how serious Connor was about his cooking. "They were perfect."

"You're not just saying that because you like me, are you?"

"No," Jude swore.

So Connor kissed him again, this time deeper and fuller. The entire time that Connor's lips were on his, though, Jude's brain was tripping around the word _like_ and the word _love_. He hadn't tried to think about Taylor's implication that he loved Connor or his own drunken admission of the same thing. But completely sober Jude, awake and aware of what was going on, had to admit that he was falling quick and fast. He wouldn't say he was in love with the boy in front of him yet, his own logical brain carefully keeping track of how long they had known one another, but Jude knew he wouldn't be able to fight that feeling completely for long. Logic be damned.

Connor let go of him to flip the grilled cheese sandwiches that he had going in the frying pan.

"So, what do you think of the fact that, this time next month, we'll be all done with first term?" Jude asked.

"Oh. I don't know. Starting new classes will be intimidating, but that's just because I'm so comfortable with how things are now. But starting second term can't be as terrifying as starting second term."

"How'd you survive it?" Jude hadn't meant for the question to slip out. But knowing Connor as he did now, he couldn't imagine Connor taking himself away from his father, transplanting himself in a large university, and starting crowded classes where he knew no one.

Connor took the sandwiches out of the pan and placed them on a plate. He reached out a hand and their fingers intertwined. "I met you, Jude."

Jude pulled Connor toward him and kissed him.

"I'm really glad I know you, Jude."

"I'm really glad I know you too, baby."

Connor bit his lip, and then he leant forward and he kissed Jude again. Jude put his hands on Connor's waist, letting one wander toward Connor's abdomen. He knew that there was a scar there now. More than that, though, he was focused on the muscles that were in sharp focus when he laid his hand there, and that was all that Jude could think of as Connor kissed him one more time.

"I don't want the food to get cold."

Food. Right. Jude wasn't really thinking about food, but Connor turned to dish fries onto their plates and Jude hopped from the counter.

"Thank you for cooking, baby."

"Thank you for having all the ingredients," Connor replied.

Jude grinned and, after they took their stools, he couldn't resist leaning over and kissing Connor's cheek once more.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Heart Of Gold**_ **by Birdy. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	31. You Always Make Me Smile

"I'm going to be really bad at this, I'm warning you now."

Connor put a large bag in the back seat of Gerald and then took his normal spot in the passenger seat. "You've said. But it kind of means more to me that you're willing to go even though you know you'll be bad at it."

"It'll be fun to try anyway. I've never gone to the batting cages before." Jude leant across the console and kissed Connor. "Are you excited?"

"I'm worried about being bad at it. I don't want to be bad at something I used to be good at."

"I'll make you look good by comparison," Jude promised.

"That's not why I'm bringing you," Connor said quickly.

"I know. You're bringing me so that we can have some fun together and because you like me."

"I like you," Connor confirmed.

That had been exactly what Jude knew he was going to hear, but his heart still felt a little strange. As if he wanted more. But Connor wasn't going to give him that; Connor couldn't. Maybe not because he didn't _want_ to, but Jude knew that Connor wasn't ever going to give him anything more than what they were now. Connor wasn't capable. And Jude had to keep that in mind – _firmly_ in mind. He could fall in love. He was free to fall in love, but he couldn't ever get up the expectation that Connor would ever fall in love with him back. To think that would only break his heart.

"Do you know how to get there?" Connor asked, buckling his seatbelt.

"I think so. I looked it up earlier and it's not too far from here. If we get lost then phones are smarter than people, right?"

"Right."

Jude started the car and left the nano parking lot. He let go of his steering wheel with one hand and reached for Connor who half-heartedly swung their hands.

"Your birthday is in a few days," Connor murmured.

"Yeah. I was scheduled for work on Thursday afternoon though, and I won't be getting home until seven."

"Oh. Do you not want me to come over?"

"No, no, I _definitely_ want you to come over! You have a key now so maybe you could have it done for when I get home. You know, because it's my birthday? And then we can spend the evening doing whatever."

"Would you want me to stay the night?"

"Want you to? Of course. Expect you to? Never. It's always up to you, Connor."

"That doesn't bother you?"

"Not a bit. How was Jake when you saw him yesterday?"

"Nice! He asked if I was feeling better, which made me feel guilty, because I was never sick. But I told him that I was doing good. He said we should hang out again and I said we should. He said next time maybe you could come and Amy could come and it would be like a double date."

"That would be awesome. I'd love to know your friends, baby."

Jude glanced over at Connor, who was grinning happily to himself.

"I'm glad I decided to go to school here."

"Me too." Jude turned down a road and the batting cages appeared before them. "I found it! Are you impressed?"

"Very," Connor said wryly.

They climbed out of the car and Jude looked around. It was an outdoor batting cage, with a small booth sat up that they needed to check in at before getting into a batting cages. There were only a couple of people swinging bats around today. Two people were alone and the third looked to be an established athlete whose anxious coach was hanging over his shoulder pushing him to do better. Connor shouldered the bag.

"Have you ever played baseball?"

"I mean, maybe a game of catch, but never with gloves or a bat or anything." Jude paused, thinking. "So, no, not baseball."

Connor toyed with his bag.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem so nervous."

"I am. I'm _too_ worried about being bad, I think."

"How about you just start with teaching me? Maybe ease back into it a little bit? How does that sound?"

"Like you're amazing." Connor turned and looked at the booth. "Okay, let's go."

Jude hung back as Connor sorted things out at the booth, keeping an iron grip on his bag the entire time he spoke to the petite girl in the booth. Finally, he waved Jude forward. Jude followed him through the gate and over to an area that was away from everyone else. Connor put the bag down in the dirt and he opened the bag, handing Jude a ball helmet.

"Did you bring all of this stuff from home?" Jude asked, catching sight of a few balls, a bat, and some gloves in the bag.

"No. Dad bought it for me and sent it to me after we really talked about me wanting to try playing baseball again. He wanted me to have my own equipment and … Sometimes I think that he feels guilty for what happened to me and the time we spent apart so he does stuff like this."

"You're his only son and it was a long time apart. I think it makes sense that he'd want to do things for you like this."

Connor shrugged. "I know it makes sense. He just doesn't _have_ to."

"He probably knows that."

Connor offered Jude one of his helmets. Jude put it securely on his head, and then Connor lifted the bat out of the bag. He handed it over to Jude, and Jude wasn't sure what to do with it. He lifted the bat up and it was lighter than he thought it would be. It was made out of metal; Jude had been expecting wood. Jude stepped back from Connor so that he could swing it a little without the fear of being too close to his boyfriend.

"You should, um, not keep your feet together like that," Connor said. "A little farther apart so that you can stabilize yourself. Uh, maybe not that far apart." Connor stood from his crouch. "It would be easy to tip you over."

Jude braced himself a little differently and looked over his shoulder at Connor, who was trying to conceal the amused smile on his face.

"What?"

"You don't need to stick your butt out like that." Connor reached for Jude, but then pulled his hands back. "May I?"

"Of course, baby."

Connor walked behind him, moving slowly as he stepped into Jude to align their bodies. Their legs matched and Connor curled his arms around Jude to show him how to properly hold the bat and how to stand. The problem was that Jude couldn't have paid attention if he tried, and he certainly tried, knowing how important this was to Connor. But the way that Connor was pressing against his back made all of his blood leave his brain and Jude just couldn't think about anything but the fact that a hair couldn't have fit between them right now and the way that Connor surrounded him. Jude felt breathless and on fire and if he could have just leant into Connor in that moment and never moved, he would have been more than fine.

"Does any part of that feel uncomfortable?"

"No," Jude said, feeling impressed with just how in control his voice sounded.

"So, when you swing, you just want to make sure you watch the ball and then …" Connor swung their arms together. "You want that kind of motion."

"Okay."

"Don't be _too_ scared of the ball."

Jude smiled at the teasing tone in Connor's voice. "I'll try not to."

"Want to try the ball machine?"

"I think I have to. This isn't really the kind of thing that you can learn in theory only."

"No, it's not."

Connor let go of Jude and Jude nearly shivered. It wasn't cold out, but Connor had been so warm and Jude wanted him right back where he had been. Connor politely held the door of the batting cage open and Jude stepped inside. He took his place at the plate while Connor went to load the ball machine.

"I'll put it on its lowest setting," Connor said. "But let me know if you need me to turn it off, though."

Jude did a practice swing.

"That looks pretty good."

"Are you lying to me?"

"Never," Connor said seriously.

"I don't think I'm going to hit even one of these," Jude confessed.

"If you hit one, then I have to pay for ice-cream after. If you don't, then you have to pay."

"I love the way you think, baby."

"Ready?"

"Yes."

Jude hadn't realized he'd been lying when he said that. A ball came flying out of the machine at him and he flinched out of the way, letting it hit the fence behind him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Let's try this again."

Jude readied himself for the ball. This time, he swung, but he missed entirely.

"I thought you said this was the slow setting!"

"It is!"

Jude was going to hit the ball this time. He was. He really, really was – going to miss it. The ball hit the back fence and rolled toward his feet. It took six balls for Jude to be able to make any sort of contact, though it really wasn't a good hit and the ball just thudded lamely to the ground.

"Does that count as a hit?" Jude asked.

"Counts as a half a scoop!" Connor teased.

Jude spent twenty minutes with the bat in his hands until he finally made what could be called a real hit. The ball didn't go very far, but it wasn't as if he'd knocked it straight down to the ground either.

"I did it!"

Connor turned the machine off and Jude yanked off his helmet. He hadn't realized he'd gotten so sweaty. But Connor hugged him anyway and was able to celebrate Jude's small victory with him by a small kiss.

"I think it's your turn to try now," Jude said. "I'm not really 'in shape'."

Connor's smile was slow to grow on his face. "I … I thought you looked really good."

"Thanks, baby."

Jude offered Connor the handle of the bat and Connor took it, though it seemed he was in slow-motion as he curled his fingers around the bat.

"I know you'll be great."

Connor showed Jude how to work the ball machine, and showed him the setting that he used to be able to work out on. Then, he showed Jude the setting that he wanted to try today, which was much slower.

"I've never been to the batting cages without my dad," Connor said suddenly. "It was always the thing that we did together. He loved baseball and so I played it. Not just for him, I liked it, but he was the one that started it."

"Then I'm even more honoured you brought me." Jude kissed the tip of Connor's nose. "You've nothing to be afraid of."

"Let's see," Connor murmured, and he stood at the plate. Jude put his helmet back on, just in case, and stood at the far end of the cage.

Connor took a few practice swings and Jude could have just stared at him all day. Connor was all concentration and hard muscles. Jude didn't know what was with him today, but all he could think about was shattering boundaries – Connor's and his own – and feeling Connor's skin against his own skin. He thought about his own, brief experiences with blow jobs and wondered what it would be like to touch Connor like that. Or to have Connor touch him like that. He knew that he'd told Connor that they didn't have to go that far, and they didn't, but Jude couldn't stop his racing thoughts or his racing blood. He bit down on his lip, but he made himself focus on the task at hand. At Connor's signal, Jude started the machine.

Right away, Connor connected with the first ball. The ball went far to the left and he made a face as it hit the fence. Jude didn't bother to ask if it was good or bad – it clearly wasn't good. The next ball flew out and Connor was so busy musing over his first failure that he missed the ball completely. A completely determined look came over Connor's face and the next ball that he hit smacked against the back fence over Jude's head with a loud crack. The noise was loud enough that Connor flinched away from it and dropped the bat against the ground. Jude quickly turned the ball machine off so that Connor wouldn't get assaulted by baseballs as he picked up the bat. Even from the distance he was, Jude could tell that Connor was shaking.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Connor said, and he seemed to realize how unconvincing it was. " _Yes_."

"Do you want to try again?"

Connor's face lit up. "It feels good, Jude. I didn't realize that I missed this so much and it's not even a real game. It's just a batting cage and I feel good. I missed this!"

"I'm so glad we came! Come on, let's see if you can do it again."

Connor curled his fingers around Jude's forearm. "I don't want to say I know I can, but I know I can. I'm still good at this, Jude."

"I'm proud of you."

Jude could have watched Connor bat all day. There was something about it that made his boyfriend bloom and Jude wanted to know if the confident person he saw today was who Connor would have been, were it not for the ex. Connor actually laughed as he hit one ball – Jude thought that if they would have just been in an open field, that ball would have gone so far that no one would have ever found it. Jude eventually just sat in the dirt and watched the light re-enter his boyfriend's eyes. At one point, as the coach and his prodigy were on their way out, he heard the coach remark that the athlete should try and mimic Connor. Connor didn't hear it, and probably would have fumbled over the praise, but it warmed Jude to hear that it wasn't just _him_ that thought his boyfriend was good (for all his experience with baseball). Someone else thought so too. Connor _was_ good at this. It took longer than Jude anticipated for Connor's arms to droop with exhaustion and for him to call for the machine to be shut off.

Jude bounced to his feet and then practically skipped to Connor. Though Connor was clearly tired, that light was still in his eyes, and he wore his good mood like a cloak. Jude reached for a hug.

"I'm sweaty!"

"I don't care!" Jude laughed.

Connor trusted him on that, because the next thing that Jude knew, he and Connor were holding one another. Connor had given him a quick peck earlier, but Jude wasn't sure if Connor would let him get away with a longer kiss while standing so blatantly out in the open. He dipped his head and tried anyway, and was surprised with the fevered kiss that Connor returned with. Jude gripped at Connor's slick back tightly, though making sure that Connor didn't feel trapped. He didn't want to ruin this moment or this day.

"You're right," Jude said with a laugh, when Connor was done kissing him. "You _are_ sweaty."

"Sorry!"

But it wasn't the broken, whimpering apology that Jude so often heard from Connor. It was casual and happy and Connor still kept his sweaty arm wrapped around Jude, even with Jude's teasing complaint.

"I should probably go home and shower."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "But you promised me ice-cream!"

"Sure you want to spend time with me like this? It's only going to get worse as I dry out," Connor warned. He pulled away from Jude to put the batting cage's balls back in order and then repack his large sports bag.

"I mean, I should probably shower too," Jude said. He took a subtle whiff of his underarm and came up making a face. He hadn't thought he'd done enough to warrant that kind of smell.

"So, you drop me off, we shower, I bike over, and then we go find ice-cream from there?" Connor offered. He shouldered his bag. "I don't want to leave you hanging on a promise, even though I know it's not really a 'big' promise."

"I think you're brilliant, baby. And I'm glad you want to spend more time with me."

Connor shrugged. "I like you, Jude."

"I know." Jude grinned at him. "Do you want me to carry the bag this time?"

"No, it's okay, I've got it."

They walked back to Gerald and Jude held the back door open so Connor could rest his bag in the back seat. Then, Jude held the passenger door open for Connor. They were on the road when Connor spoke.

"Thank you for coming with me today. It really meant a lot that you were there."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world," Jude assured him.

"I really do think you're the best friend that I've ever had," Connor mused.

"I'd say the same thing, but I think Taylor would hear me and just appear out of nowhere."

Connor laughed. "And I'm going to make your birthday really special."

Jude reached out with one hand and held tightly to Connor. "With you there, it will be special."

"I … don't think I'm going to go with you this weekend, though. I think that it's too much. Meeting your family when they don't know I exist and not wanting to hold you back when you're out with your friends. I feel like I'd just spend too much time worrying and I don't think that it would be any fun."

"They'll know you exist after this weekend. So, maybe you'll meet some of them soon."

"Callie worries me most. The way that you talk about her, Jude … She sounds larger than life."

"She's not. I mean, she's important to me. But she's also annoying and overprotective and sometimes she can be pretty hypocritical. She's a person, Connor."

"I want her to like me." Connor rested his head against the window. "You don't talk about any of your other siblings the way that you talk about her. Even though I know they're important too."

"They'll love you. It's what I said about my moms and I was right there, wasn't I?"

"Yes."

Connor ran his fingers over Jude's knuckles as they pulled into the nano parking lot.

"So, I'll see you soon?"

Connor nodded and that easy grin spread over his face again. "We can go to that ice-cream place with the weird flavours!"

"I'd love that."

Jude parked the car and turned to face Connor. Connor was already leaning toward him over the console. Connor's fingers softly rested against the side of Jude's face, and Jude melted into him. The heat and happiness of the day was overwhelming, and Jude felt half desperate as he gripped the front of Connor's shirt. His heart raced and he felt like they could have ignited the world. Connor's hand was in his hair and on his shoulder and every part of Connor was just pulling Jude further and further in. Connor's arms wrapped around him, and Jude fell into his hug.

"You really need to shower, baby."

"I know."

But Jude hadn't wanted to let go of him either, even with the smell that was clinging to the both of them. Connor slid out of the car and grabbed his bag from the back. Jude didn't move the car until Connor was safely inside of his building and then he drove home. He quickly walked down the path to his door, thinking about how long it would take Connor to shower and bike over. Jude thought that he had a decent length of time, enough that he could take a long hot shower that probably had too many thoughts of Connor involved.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **You Always Make Me Smile**_ **by Kyle Andrews (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	32. Forests

"Hi, Dad," Connor said, resting his phone between his ear and his shoulder. "I sent you my exam schedule this morning. Did you see it?"

"I did. And I've already got flights booked. You're done on the fourteenth, I will be there around midday on the fifteenth, and then we're leaving early on the sixteenth so that we can go out to dinner with Jude on the evening of the eighth."

"Thank you, Dad."

Connor weaved his way around a woman's grocery cart, stretching onto his toes to reach the sprinkles on the top shelf.

"So, try and find somewhere you really want to go. Some place nice, okay?"

"Okay. I'll look around."

"What are you doing?"

"Some grocery shopping. It's Jude's birthday today and I'm going to make him dinner."

"Oh, that's sweet. What are you making him?"

"Um, Mom's shrimp alfredo. And a cake. I saw a recipe for hazelnut icing so I think I'm going to try that out. I think that he'll like it."

His basket had grown heavy, but Connor still had more ingredients to add. He needed shrimp, for certain, and eggs. He wasn't sure if Jude had eggs. He thought that there were still red pepper flakes in Jude's cupboard from the last time that he made it.

"It sounds like a really good dinner. I'm sure it'll be a great birthday. Is he going to be twenty-one or twenty-two?"

"Twenty-one. He's a little younger than I am."

"So you're in the grocery store now?"

"Yes. Almost done. And then I'm going to bike to his house and we'll have dinner and watch a movie or something. Just have fun."

"I won't keep you too long then. I hope you have a great night and tell Jude 'happy birthday' for me, okay?"

"I will."

"I love you, Connor."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hung up his cell phone and slid it back into his pocket. He quickly finished up his shopping and then went through the self-checkout. It was a lot less nerve wracking. Connor had been doing really well today, he thought, though he knew that it was also because he had kept himself in a little bubble, only doing things that he knew wouldn't stress him out. He didn't want to have a breakdown on Jude's birthday. He could have a breakdown tomorrow instead.

Connor carried his groceries out to his bike. He had also purchased a bike basket earlier that day, for the specific purpose of being able to carry his groceries to Jude's. He packed them all in carefully, pleased when he discovered that he wouldn't have to put anything in his backpack for the ride to Jude's. Connor put his helmet on and unlocked his bike, quickly pedalling down the street. He had given himself most of the afternoon to cook for Jude, just to make sure that he got it right. Jude got home at seven and Connor wanted to have everything perfect when Jude walked in his door.

Connor didn't go straight to Jude's apartment, though. He knew that he nearly _had_ to – some of his groceries would go bad – but he made a quick stop at Jude's work. Even though he had a key, even though Jude had already told him, several times, that it was fine for Connor to go in, Connor just wanted to see Jude first.

Jude was putting chips on a shelf when Connor walked in. Connor was nervous about walking in too, though. What if Jude was busy? He didn't want to interrupt Jude's work day or get him in trouble when he had things to do. But Connor was the only person inside who wasn't an employee.

"Hey!" Jude said. "What are you doing here? Did your key not work?"

"N-n-no, I'm, um, just on my way over now. I j-j-just wanted to see you before I did."

"You're allowed in, I promise," Jude whispered.

"How rude? You're not going to introduce us?"

Jude's shoulders slumped while Connor shied to the side at the loud voice.

"Connor, this is my co-worker, Jason. Jason, this is my boyfriend, Connor."

Jason was tall and clean-shaven, with a rounded belly. His arms and neck were incredibly thick, and he leant on the counter with a smug nonchalance that made Connor take a step back. Even though Jude wasn't a mean person, Connor had always thought, on some level, that there was a splash of bias in Jude's dislike for Jason. But there was something about the other man that made Connor bristle. Arrogance was off-putting.

"You're not ugly," Jason said.

Connor wasn't sure whether or not he was supposed to say 'thank you' to that or not. He bit his lip and stayed silent. He didn't think it was a compliment.

"So why are you dating him?"

Connor didn't like the way that Jason sneered about Jude. Jude wasn't the one bursting into other people's conversations or calling other people's relationships into question. What did it matter what he looked like anyway? ( _Except that was the reason Jude talked to you in the first place.)_ But the point was, what did it matter to Jason? Jason wasn't even Jude's friend. Before Jude could even open his mouth, Connor said, "Because I _like_ him." He looked at Jude, and his bristle calmed. He wasn't good at being angry. Softly, his eyes on Jude, he murmured, "Who wouldn't?"

Jude's smile was beautiful. Connor looked down as Jude linked their hands and squeezed.

"I'll see you later, okay, Jude?"

"Yeah. I should be home by ten after at the latest."

Connor nodded and slipped out the door. He didn't want to look back at Jason, and so he didn't. He put his helmet back on, even just for the short bike back to Jude's, and then he took off down the street. He walked his bike down the hill to Jude's door, and his hands were shaking as he fished for the key. He dropped it twice before he managed to put it into the lock and open the door. The front door swung inward and Connor just stared into the depths of Jude's apartment. It took three deep breaths for him to start unpacking the groceries. He put the bags on the counter and then locked his bike to Jude's deck. Finally, he pulled the key out, shut the door, and locked it. He had to check that it was locked several times over. He didn't trust himself to lock it properly. He didn't want anything to happen when he was here.

Finally, he unpacked the groceries and hid the small present he'd gotten for Jude. He knew where to put most things in Jude's cupboards and it surprised him a little how _at home_ he felt standing in Jude's apartment. He was happy here. Happy enough and comfortable enough to let his phone softly start playing music. He picked out his mother's favourite song to start with, and then he pulled out the cake ingredients. He needed to get the cake in the oven as soon as possible so that it could cool by the time he needed to put icing on it. Also, he _definitely_ needed the oven for the shrimp alfredo bake. Connor kept a careful eye on the time as he worked. Everything needed to be perfect for hen Jude came home. _Perfect_.

While the cake was cooking, he found the few birthday decorations that he had bought. He was far too embarrassed to make a huge deal out decorations and things, because there was always that lingering insecurity of _what if Jude didn't like it?_ It was Jude's birthday. He didn't want to do a single thing that his boyfriend wouldn't like. But Jude liked small little details, and so Connor hung a colourful 'happy birthday' sign on the wall above Jude's bookshelf and he took the birthday tablecloth that he'd bought. He took clear tape and taped the cloth down so it wouldn't just slide off Jude's counter. He made sure it was wrinkle-free, and then he had to trot back into the kitchen to take the cake out of the oven.

It was beautiful. It looked better than he had hoped it would. He'd found a white cake recipe that had sprinkles baked into it and he thought that it would go well with the chocolate hazelnut icing he was trying. He liked the look of the rainbow sprinkles in the cake and he really did think Jude would too. He slid the cake onto a large plate to cool and went about making the frosting. The Alfredo bake, while having a lot of different components didn't actually take _that_ long and so he needed to time it absolutely perfectly. If he started by quarter after six, it should be ready for Jude as soon as he got home.

Connor slid the icing in the fridge and did the small amount of prep work that the Alfredo bake required. Then, he stopped and looked around. He had some time before he had to do anything else and he had no idea what to do with himself. He crept to the doorway of the kitchen and just stood there. Coming to Jude's apartment to cook his birthday dinner for him was the reason that Connor was here. It was what Connor had been given permission to do at Jude's. He had never mentioned doing anything else to Jude, because Connor hadn't thought he'd have any spare time. He should have known better. He should have realized that he always over-budgeted his time in case something went wrong. To be late was to be worse than to be early, although right on time was always the goal.

Connor took a hesitant step out of the kitchen and then drew his foot back. He knew he was being ridiculous. Jude wouldn't care if he sat on the couch and watched T.V. It was something that Connor would be allowed to do if Jude were here. He didn't think it was quite so different now. Jude wasn't like that. It still took Connor sixteen minutes to get to the couch. Even then, he just tucked his legs up and started at the blank T.V. screen. He was allowed to touch the T.V. remote! Jude let him change channels and pick shows! It shouldn't be a big deal. Connor knew that. But his hands trembled a little and Connor thought about how he didn't want to be on edge for Jude's birthday at all, and so he rested his head against the armrest. He didn't really have that much more time before he had to get back up anyway. He should just relax.

He turned his head and stared at Jude's bookshelf and dresser. Connor wondered if he were a different person, would he snoop around in Jude's things? Objectively, Connor could see the appeal. Personally, the thought made Connor feel a little sick. It would be a violation of Jude and his trust, and that was the absolute last thing that Connor wanted to do to Jude. Other than that, Connor knew that he just flat out wouldn't be able to do it. He'd likely end up having a nervous breakdown. Connor looked away from the dresser and snuggled into the couch. Jude trusted him. He trusted Jude. And sometimes secrets were better kept. Connor knew that too well.

He watched the time very carefully and he was up off the couch the moment the clock turned to six. He checked the cake and the frosting and determined that they were ready to go. He quickly set up a little spot on the counter, wishing that Jude owned a cake platter. He was worried that by leaving the cake on its current surface, he wouldn't get the icing to spread as evenly as he wanted to. He didn't think that Jude would mind. Connor just needed to make sure that his icing was extra good in order to make up for the flaw.

He transferred the slightest bit onto the tip of his finger and tasted it. He thought it was good, but it wasn't as if his opinion mattered. Jude's opinion as the one that mattered. Connor put his music back on and hummed along as he started icing the cake. He should have known it would take him too long. Jude was going to be seeing it and his perfectionist tendencies were out in full force today. He had to interrupt himself to start doing some work on the shrimp dish. It was quarter to seven, not long before Jude was expected home, when the doorknob rattled. Connor froze in the kitchen. Could Jude have been able to get out of work early? No, he couldn't! Connor wasn't ready for him!

The door swung open. "Thanks, Melanie!"

A woman.

"You're welcome."

Two women.

A pretty woman with dark brown hair, wearing black pants and an Anchor Beach sweatshirt walked through the door. Her dark eyes landed on Connor and for a moment, they just stared at her. If her sweatshirt hadn't given Connor enough clues, her eyes sealed it, and Connor's gaze flickered to the bookshelf.

Callie.

He could see in her eyes that she was wracking her brain, trying to figure out who he was. But she would have no idea. Connor didn't expect that to sting as much as it did. He knew Jude hadn't told his family yet. And it should have been fine. Connor couldn't help but think that his father knew all about Jude, more than Adam was probably comfortable with, and that Connor's ex had hidden his existence for years. It was wrong to compare. Stef and Lena knew about him; Stef and Lena _knew_ him. But Callie didn't. Callie, who was so important that it left Connor scared to meet her.

And now, here she was. Connor didn't do well with the unexpected, but this was beyond unexpected.

"You're not Jude," she said.

Connor shook his head while saying, "You're Callie."

Callie stared at him. "Who are you?"

"Oh! C-C-Connor."

She put her bag down by Jude's bed. "What are you doing here?"

"D-d-d-dinner. F-f-for his b-b-b-birthday.'"

"Are you two friends?" Callie asked carefully, slowly walking toward Connor.

Connor felt like shrinking away from her. She wasn't _scary,_ necessarily, but she was _commanding._ "Yes! Well, no. Um. He is … Um, we … we are … He's … I'm … I'm his … We're … d-d-dating. I'm … I'm his … b-b-b-boyfriend."

Callie was smirking at him, though it wasn't smug, it was more of an expression of disbelief. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Um, s-s-sorry, I have t-t-to f-f-finish this."

"No, go ahead. I'll just sit here." Callie slid into one of the stools at the counter. "How long have you known Jude?"

"Since September," Connor said quietly. He checked on the shrimp in the oven and stirred the Alfredo sauce.

"How did you meet?"

"W-we h-have a, um, class." Connor looked over his shoulder and Callie had her eyes narrowed,

"Let me guess, his mythology course."

"Y-y-y-yes."

"Jude's spoken very highly of that class. He told me that he had a great _professor."_

"Kroger _is_ great," Connor said. "They are a very good professor."

"Hmm," was all Callie had to say about that. "What are you making?"

"Oh. It's a Shrimp Alfredo bake. It's Jude's favourite. He asked me to make it. And then I have a rainbow sprinkle cake with ch-ch-chocolate hazelnut icing. H-he di-didn't h-h-have any … any, um, thing, um specific ab-bout the c-c-cake ex-except, um, the … chocolate. So, um, I d-d-decided to try something, um, th-that I th-thought h-he w-would l-l-like."

"Chocolate hazelnut icing?" Callie repeated, and Connor nodded. "That sounds really good."

Connor's hands were shaking as he moved the shrimp from the tinfoil where they'd been cooking to the mix of sauce and pasta and everything else. He topped it with a heavy dose of cheese, checked the time, and then slid it in the oven. Everything would be perfect when Jude got home. He quickly went back to icing the cake. Jude would be home soon. It had be done by the time that Jude came home.

"What time is Jude supposed to be back?"

"Oh. S-s-even."

Callie checked her phone and Connor watched her, mildly fascinated by her. She tucked a strand of medium-length brown hair behind her ear. He could see Jude in her – could see their shared parent – but he was also aware of their differences, right off the bat. Of course, they weren't the same person, and Connor couldn't expect them to be.

"Jude's never mentioned you," Callie said.

"Oh. I-I-I-I kn-know. Um."

"Usually he'd talk to me."

"Oh. Um, no. Not … Not about y-y-you. I was n-n-nervous."

"You seem a little nervous."

Connor shrugged and slowly turned the cake, checking his icing job. Everything _looked_ even, and Connor put the knife he'd been using back in the bowl. He only had a few minutes before Jude was expected home. He pulled out the two bottles of sprinkles he'd purchased. The rainbow one was fairly depleted, having been baked into the cake, but Connor knew there'd be enough left to do the decorating that he wanted.

"Are you done with the frosting?" Callie asked, and Connor nodded.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her start to stretch. It felt like it was moving in slow motion and, even though it wasn't _really_ heading for him, Connor still flinched. Immediately, Callie recoiled.

"I just thought I could try the frosting if you were done."

"Oh!" Connor picked up the bowl, his hands shaking so badly that the utensils inside rattled against the dish and each other. He offered it to Callie who took it slowly. He didn't know if she was more aware than he wanted her to be or if she was just slightly fearful, but she took great pains to not touch him as she took it. "I h-h-h-hope y-y-you l-l-like it."

Connor bent over the cake, moving quickly to ring the edge of the cake in rainbow sprinkles. Then, he took the mix of chocolate and vanilla sprinkles he'd also bought and wrote "21" in the centre of the cake. He'd put the candles on when they were closer to serving. He tucked the cake into one of his own containers than he'd brought over, not wanting to let dust or an odd fly onto it. He opened the oven to double check the Alfredo bake, and he heard a key in the door.

 _Jude_.

Connor's heart leapt and the strong bolt of happiness was so foreign that he felt disoriented.

"Baby, I'm home!"

"Hi, _baby_ ," Callie drawled.

"Callie! What are you doing here?!"

"Well, I came to surprise my little brother on his birthday!"

Connor pulled the Alfredo bake out of the oven and sat it on the stovetop. He took the oven mitts off and turned to watch Jude wrap Callie in a hug.

"I'm surprised," Jude said.

"Me too!" she responded, looking over her shoulder and meeting Connor's eyes. "I was expecting to find _you_ here."

"Oh, this is my boyfriend, Connor."

"He said."

"Well, I'd hope so." Connor stared at Jude, and Jude grinned cheekily back at him. Connor smiled, reassured.

He turned his back to Jude and Callie and got out three plates. He hoped that Callie liked shrimp. He heard footsteps approaching him and he glanced over his shoulder. Jude put his arm carefully around Connor's waist and kissed his cheek.

"What did you make me?"

"What you asked for."

"I meant the cake," Jude said. "You were going to surprise me with that."

"It's really good," Callie teased.

"Callie's had some of my cake?!" Jude rested his chin on Connor's shoulder. "Now you need to tell me."

"Callie didn't have _cake_ , but it is really good. I hope. I want you to like it."

Jude kissed his cheek again, which helped calm Connor's anxiety. "I know I'll love it. I always like what you make."

"You have so far," Connor corrected quietly.

"And don't worry, I'll love this too. Is there anything that I can do to help?"

"No, no. It's your birthday, Jude. I'll make up plates." Connor turned his head to look at Jude. "And I don't think Callie drove here to watch you talk to me."

"Well, since Callie didn't know you had a boyfriend, _Jude,"_ she started, and Connor's heart restricted, even though he could tell that Callie wasn't seriously angry.

"Hey, hey," Jude said, slinking away from Connor to sit next to Callie. "I was going to tell you, soon. But this is new, Callie. I only told Moms because I tell them everything."

"Moms know!" Callie playfully punched Jude in the shoulder and Connor looked away sharply.

Connor found a large spoon and started scooping equal portions onto the plates.

"Hey, Connor, when you went grocery shopping, did you happen to get the rolls I like?"

"Yeah, of course I did. It's your birthday, Jude." Connor pulled the bag out and put a roll on each plate. He got the butter out of Jude's fridge and placed it behind the sink, close to the stools. Then, he put out the silverware and then handed out the plates. Callie smiled at him as he did so, but Connor could tell that she was still unsure about him.

That was okay. Connor was still unsure about her too.

He was happy that Jude sat in the middle.

"I've been waiting all day for this," Jude said, buttering his roll. "Connor's an amazing cook."

"It's nice to know something about him," Callie grumbled.

"Be nice," Jude warned.

It was a real warning and Connor tried to curl in on himself. It was impossible to do, sitting at the counter like that, but he still wanted to curl into a ball. He hadn't meant to ruin Jude's birthday. If he were just a little different, then today would be too.

"Jude," Callie started.

"He's not the one who showed up uninvited," Jude continued.

"Are you saying you don't want me here?" Callie asked.

"Don't put words in my mouth," Jude said. "Connor means a lot to me and you mean a lot to me. He's playing nice. Play nice back. Callie, you knowing him means a lot to me."

Connor shifted uncomfortably, and then he felt Jude's hand against the top of his thigh.

"I thought I was playing nice!" Callie insisted. She peered at Connor around Jude and Connor's breath caught as he looked back at her. "You caught me off-guard. Sorry if I came across as harsh."

"It's okay," Connor said. "Really. I understand."

Jude was looking at him and Connor knew that Jude saw through him. He didn't think it was _okay_ , necessarily, but he did understand. It was his fault and Connor could accept that. Connor knew that. A silence settled over them. Connor didn't feel brave enough to speak and Jude was busy ripping open his roll to butter it. Connor watched Callie toy with her fork for a moment and then she dove into the Alfredo Bake. He anxiously waited for her reaction. Like baseball, cooking was one of those things that he had developed an expectation of being good at it. It wasn't as engrained as baseball was, since not as many people had complimented his cooking, but this was also his mother's recipe, and Connor needed Callie to like it.

"Jude was right, Connor. This is really good."

Callie smiled at him, which made Jude smile, and so Connor let a small grin creep onto his face. "Thank you, Callie."

"So," Jude said, "now that you know about my boyfriend, time to tell me, Callie."

"Tell you what?"

Even Connor could tell that she was hiding something.

"The reporter?"

"He's cute and I don't want to jinx it." Callie rapped her knuckles on the counter. "How'd you know about that, anyway?"

"Mariana and Moms mentioned it."

Callie rolled her eyes. "Of course they did."

Connor picked at his food, listening to Callie and Jude talk about their family. Every so often, Callie would ask something of him, and he would respond immediately. He noticed that he'd stopped stuttering in front of her since Jude had gotten home and he was glad. He didn't need Callie to think that he was an idiot on top of everything else. When the dinner dishes were clear, Connor poked Jude's shoulder.

"Hmm?"

"Are you still hungry for cake? Or do you want to wait?"

"I've been waiting a week for this cake. Let's have it now." Jude rubbed his fingers across Connor's leg. "I'm excited and I'm sure it's going to be great."

"Okay."

Connor gathered up the supper dishes and put them away in the dishwasher. He put out smaller plates for the cake along with new forks.

"Does anyone need anything else to drink while I'm up?" Connor asked. They'd just been sipping water all evening.

"Oh. Jude, I brought you some coolers. It's your twenty-first, so I figured you should have a drink. Even though it's not your first drink."

Jude chuckled. "Thanks, Callie."

Callie hopped off her stool and went over to the bag she'd abandoned, pulling out a four-pack of coolers. "Would you like one, Connor? They're all tropical flavoured."

"Oh, no thank you."

"Connor doesn't drink," Jude added.

Callie shrugged, having no reaction one way or another. "More for us, I guess."

Connor turned his back on the siblings and he carefully lifted his cake out of the container. It looked the same as when he put it in, though he had an irrational fear that it wouldn't. He retrieved the candles and the newly bought lighter. He pressed the candles carefully into the cake – he'd just bought a pack of ten to ring around the cake and he hoped Jude wouldn't be too disappointed with the lack of candles. He lit them carefully and turned around, the cake balanced in his hands.

"Happy birthday, Jude!" he said brightly. He hoped Callie wouldn't launch into song, but when he glanced at her, she seemed just as disinterested in singing as he was.

"Happy birthday, Jude!" she repeated.

Connor put the cake down in front of Jude. "Make a wish."

Jude's dark brown eyes met his own, then Jude bent over the cake, putting out all the candles in one breath.

"What did you wish for?" Callie asked.

"I can't tell you or it won't come true!"

Connor handed a knife to Jude, watching as he first squared it up to cut the cake, and then he looked up at Connor. "Come back over here, baby, come sit with us. It's not right for me to cut it without you."

Connor looped back around to sit in his stool. "It's _your_ cake."

"You made it. And it looks _awesome_."

Jude carefully measured out his slice and transferred it onto his plate. Then, he cut a slice for Connor, and a slice to Callie.

"What happened to ladies first?" Callie teased.

"Chefs first," Jude responded.

"Birthday boy first," Connor responded. "Jude? Will you try it now?"

"Absolutely!" Jude dug his fork into the side, scraping off large amounts of icing and cake and forking it in his mouth. He stopped, savoured it for a moment, and then took an even bigger bite. "I love it!"

"You're not just saying that?"

"No. I promise."

Connor touched his fingers to Jude's wrist softly.

"Try it, you deserve it."

"He's right, Connor."

Connor shied at Callie's voice. Caught up in Jude's eyes, it was easy to forget that there was anything else in the world. Jude was safe ground and an escapist fantasy.

"It really is a good cake," Callie finished.

"Thank you."

"Try it yourself," Jude said. "Go on, it's okay."

Connor put his fork in his cake and took his own bite. Immediately, criticisms jumped to the forefront of his brain and he thought of everything that he could have done differently to make it a lot better. Then he looked at Jude. Jude loved it and it was Jude's birthday and Jude liking his birthday dinner was all that mattered to him. Connor just had to remember to keep it in mind.

Jude took a sip of his cooler and Connor checked the alcohol percentage. It wasn't much at all and, even if Jude drank both of them, Connor didn't worry. Connor knew that he shouldn't worry about Jude anyway.

"So, Connor?"

"Yes?" Connor leant so that he could see Callie.

"Are you coming to Jude's birthday weekend? Is that when we're supposed to meet you?"

"Oh, I, um … I hadn't d-d-decided, um, yet."

Callie watched him sharply. She and Jude had such similar eyes but there was something a lot more pointed in her gaze. She made him feel more like a specimen than anything.

"I think you should come."

"You do?"

The surprise in his voice made her laugh.

Connor ducked his head, feeling warmed as if she'd given him the compliment of a lifetime. Jude tapped his wrist and when Connor glanced at him, there were a thousand questions in his eyes.

"Happy birthday," Connor repeated, and he kissed Jude's cheek softly.

Connor spent the next hour with Jude and Callie, allowing it to slowly pass by. Jude had two large slices of cake and one small slice. Callie had tickled his belly, teasing him, but Jude was swift to defend Connor's cooking and point out Callie's large second piece. Connor was glad that they enjoyed his food and he packed the dishes away into the dishwasher. He made sure the kitchen was clean while Jude and Callie talked, but they both kept him in the conversation, and Connor didn't have a chance to feel lonely.

"I think I should go," he finally said. Callie came all the way down here to spend quality time with her brother and Connor didn't want to take that from her.

"Are you sure?" Jude asked. "It's not that late."

"I didn't get much homework done today," Connor admitted. "I want to be prepared for class tomorrow."

"Okay. Let me walk you out to your bike."

"Bye, Connor. It was nice meeting you!"

"You too, Callie," Connor said and he tucked his shoes on. He slipped out the front door, Jude on his heels. The moment the front door was closed, the dam that Connor had been trying to keep around his anxieties flooded open. "Did you really like your birthday, Jude? I was so worried that you wouldn't because I –"

"Connor?"

"What?"

"I'm going to kiss you now."

"Okay."

And Connor leant into Jude's embrace. Jude's kiss was strong and full. Connor wrapped his arms fully around Jude and pulled him closer. Jude kissed Connor's forehead.

"Baby, my birthday was _perfect_. I hope Callie didn't scare you too much."

"She didn't," Connor said. "I mean, when she walked in … I … almost died a little, I think."

"So, what was that about you coming this weekend? I thought you didn't want to?"

"Callie said … she'd like it if I came."

"Don't let my sister dictate your life. It's annoying, trust me."

"No, but, Callie was one of the big reasons that I was so scared and I … like her, Jude. I didn't think I would or that she wouldn't like me or that there would be something else there. Something bigger. But if she's okay … if I'm okay with her, then, you know … maybe, maybe if this wasn't so bad then everything else won't be either."

"Connor, I want you to want to go."

"I know." Connor looked up at the night sky and took a breath. "Honestly?"

"Honestly," Jude repeated.

"I want to go. I really want to go. But I was scared. There were too many things to be scared of. And I don't want to ruin your birthday weekend for you, and I _am_ still scared of that. But now I'm looking at it like … the scariest part is over. I know Callie and I know your moms. And I know Taylor and I know you and … I trust you, Jude. I know you want me there and I know that I want to be there."

Jude's face was blooming into a bright grin. "So … you want to come this weekend?"

"I … would I be able to think about it for the night?"

"Of course. I'm still going to classes tomorrow because we have a midterm review in health psych. So you can just let me know tomorrow what you think."

"Okay. That sounds good to me." Connor squeezed Jude's hand. "Promise you thought it was a good birthday?"

Jude wrapped his arms around Connor again and Connor took comfort in the embrace.

"Baby, it was the best birthday. I loved it. I promise."

"Will you kiss me again?"

"Absolutely."

Jude kissed him much more softly this time, but Connor liked it just as much. "Do you really like she likes me? I feel like she does but I don't know if I just want her to."

"She likes you. She's just being Callie. I promise." Jude pecked his nose. "But I should head back in there before she pokes her head out."

"Oka. Have a good night."

"You too."

Jude kissed him one more time. "Text me when you get home safe."

"I will."

Jude headed back inside and Connor unlocked his bike to ride away. He had a lot to think about.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Forests**_ **by Duologue (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	33. He's Not Him

Jude parked in front of the nano dorms, but he didn't even have to send a text before Connor was out the front door. He had his back pack in one hand and the other was tucked in his pocket. He might have been the picture of casualty, if Jude didn't know him as well as Jude did. Connor was nervous; he might have even been flat-out scared. He put his bag into the back with strong determination and then got into the passenger seat.

"Baby, if you're scared, you don't have to come."

"I want to," Connor assured him. "I really do want to."

"I'll drive you back at any point."

Connor shook his head. "That wouldn't be fair to you, Jude. It's your birthday weekend."

"I'd do it."

"I never said you wouldn't." Connor trailed his fingers over the back of Jude's hand and it tickled slightly. "You are a really amazing guy, Jude. And I know you would. I just don't want to be the guy that asks."

"I like the guy that you are, baby. Even if you are the guy that asks." Jude flipped his hand over and Connor locked their fingers together.

Jude's heart picked up speed as Connor held his hand. There was something in his heart was whispering and bubbling along happily and Jude just let himself grin about it.

"So, what's the plan for this weekend anyway?"

"So we're going to go to Moms house right now and drop our stuff off. I think we're doing a family dinner out, so we'll probably head out to the restaurant not long after we get there. Then, we'll get home … not too late. Then, we'll have tomorrow to sleep in and I'll show you some of my favourite places around home or hang out at the house … Taylor will probably come kidnap us later tomorrow night. And then we can laze around on Sunday before we head back."

"Doesn't sound like a bad weekend," Connor mused.

"It's not. We'll have plenty of downtime."

Connor glanced over at him. "I don't need downtime. It's your weekend."

Jude laughed. "I meant downtime to feed the teen rebellion part of me that wants to make out with my boyfriend on my mothers' couch under their noses."

"Oh. W-well, I think we can fit that in."

Jude laughed. "You're my favourite, baby. That's why I – I –" Jude stopped himself, the _I love you_ he'd surprised himself with hanging like a brick on the end of his tongue.

Connor looked at him, unsuspecting and trusting. "You what?"

"Am so glad you're with me this weekend."

"Me too," Connor said.

Jude wasn't sure why he felt guilty over Connor's smile. Even though Taylor had practically decided that Jude was in love with Connor, Jude knew that it wasn't time for him to say it. Nor was it time for Connor to hear, though if Jude were being honest with himself, he didn't know if Connor would ever be ready to hear those words. And he didn't know if that should make him as sad as it did.

(-.-)

Connor fidgeted nervously in the backseat of Stef's car. Jude was leaning forward, telling his mothers something about one of his psychology professors. Connor had heard the story before and so he looked down at his hands, clenching and unclenching his hands in an effort to calm himself down. He shouldn't be nervous. Lena was nice. Stef was nice. Callie, even, was nice. It would stand to reason that Jesus, Mariana, and Brandon would also be nice. Connor was more nervous about Jesus and Brandon. Brothers were worse than sisters. Jude seemed to like Jesus, but, sometimes, the way he talked about Brandon made Connor think that there was more of an uneasy history there than Jude let on. It made Connor nervous.

At the restaurant, they were the first group to arrive. Without any communication, Jude held out the seat against the wall for Connor. Connor sat with a smile on his face and an appreciation for Jude. Jude sat next to him, and Connor was glad for the buffer that he'd have from the rest of the table.

"Do you want something to drink with dinner, Jude?" Stef asked.

"Let your moms by you your first drink," Lena added.

" _Legal_ drink," Stef clarified, staring at Jude with a knowing eye.

Jude laughed uncomfortably, his cheeks turning pink. "Uh … maybe one."

Connor picked at the edge of his menu, only startling when Lena said his name.

"Would you like anything?"

"Oh, no thank you. I don't drink."

"I like him even better, Jude."

Connor laughed awkwardly at Stef's comment and ordered a ginger ale when the waitress came around. She was just about to walk away when Callie strode in, asking for wine and rubbing her temples.

"Everything okay, Callie?"

"It's nice to have a night off work," she said, taking the seat next to Jude. "It's such a small paper and such a small staff that sometimes I feel like we're all on top of each other and it can be such a headache sometimes."

"Sounds like us, pre-empty nest," Stef mused.

"Oh, hi, Connor," Callie said, finally glancing down the end of the table.

"Hi, Callie."

"I'm glad you came," she said, and Jude smiled happily at his sister. "So, do we have to wait for the other kids to order appetizers or can I go rogue and get nachos?"

"As long as you get wings too. Do you know how hungry I am?"

"No, Jesus," Callie said, "But I have a feeling you're about to tell me."

Connor looked up as a rangy looking man with an awkward patch of facial hair on his chin took a seat on the other side of the table.

"Jesus, I thought you were joking about growing that thing out," Jude teased, thumbing his chin.

"At least I can grow one. Aren't you still, like, twelve?"

Jude rolled his eyes.

"And, hey, who's that?" Jesus asked, gesturing to Connor. "Moms, he looks a little old to be one of your problem cases."

"He's my boyfriend. His name is Connor," Jude said. "Connor, this is my brother, Jesus."

"And his sister, Mariana!" A well-dressed, beautiful woman leant on Jesus' shoulder, lifting one leg to adjust her heel. "Who are we introducing ourselves to?"

"My boyfriend, Connor," Jude repeated.

Mariana's dark eyes met Connor's and he felt intimidated by the look on her face. She looked too happy to see him, in his opinion.

"Hi! Judicorn, I didn't know you had a _boyfriend_!" Mariana was playfully scandalized as she squeezed behind Callie to give Jude a hug. He hugged her back and then, with one arm still wrapped around Jude's neck, she offered her other hand to Connor. "Nice to meet you!"

"You too," Connor said. He shook her hand. "Um, Jude speaks about you a lot."

"Uh oh," she said, laughing. Then, she kissed the back of Jude's head. "Happy birthday!"

"Thank you," Jude said.

Mariana took her seat beside Callie. "Oh, and Brandon's here! Let's order!"

"Let him sit down, Mariana," Stef scolded. "Hey, love, why the scowl?"

"Long day at work," Brandon griped.

"You and Callie have that in common," Lena mused.

Brandon quickly glanced at Callie and then away with a strange look in his eyes. "I guess so."

"So, what's everyone in the mood for?"

Everyone started debating things that they wanted and the dishes that would be the best. The table was loud and Connor was easily overlooked, which he was glad for. Jude leant toward him to ask if he had an opinion on appetizers. Connor admitted that he agreed with Callie about the nachos, and, in the end, it was one of the things that was ordered.

"So, everyone," Lena said, "let's have a toast. For Jude. Happy twenty-first birthday!"

Everyone raised their glasses and clinked. Connor led his ginger ale into the fray, not flinching even as other knuckles touched his hand. He watched Brandon squint at him, and this time, he introduced himself.

"M-my name's C-Connor. I'm J-J-ude's b-b-boyfriend."

"Oh," Brandon said. "Nice to meet you."

"You too," Connor said, but it was a whisper and he really didn't think Brandon heard him. Nor did he think that Brandon really cared. Jude smiled at him and, underneath the table cloth, Connor took Jude's hand.

Jude held onto him tightly and leant on one hand to talk to his family. Connor had expected to sit in the corner and just listen, which he did his fair amount of, but he was surprised at how much Jude's family kept him in the conversation. When things came up that Connor didn't know about, sometimes it was Mariana or Lena, even Callie, would get to an explanation before Jude did. Connor was much more relaxed at the table than he had ever dreamt of being. When the appetizers arrived, he wasn't quite in the mood to join the feeding frenzy occurred, but he and Jude shared off the plate that Jude managed to fill, earning them a small 'aww' from Mariana.

Connor didn't understand what was so cute about their relationship. _He_ likedit, of course. His relationship with Jude might be the best thing he had since his mother was alive. And Connor thought it was cute. Especially compared to his last relationship. Jude, himself, was just cute. Connor thought Jude knew so, but he thought he should tell him later tonight.

"Has everyone decided what they're getting for the main course?" Stef asked.

Connor shook his head slightly and stared back down at the menu. He was having the most boring dilemma between the steak and mushrooms and the seafood fettucine. He ran his eyes over the menu again. Everything here was good, and the restaurant was a really great one. Connor was sure his dinky birthday supper would pale in comparison to a great night with great food with Jude's family. He quietly ordered the steak. It wasn't anything like the shrimp Alfredo that he'd made on Thursday night.

Jude tapped his knee. "Everything okay?"

"I'm just going to go to the washroom."

Connor quickly excused himself from the table and found the washroom. There was one other man standing at the urinal and Connor locked himself in a stall. He pressed his back against the tiled wall and forced his knees to remain locked and keep him upright. Connor counted out three long breaths, and then asked himself what was wrong with him. He thought the dinner had been going okay, he really did. Jude's family was nice. Mariana was a little nosey and Jesus was a little loud, but Connor didn't believe they were bad people. Brandon was indifferent, but, again, it didn't make him bad, and Connor couldn't blame Brandon for not being interested in him.

No, the problem didn't have anything to do with Jude's family. The problem was with Connor. The problem was always with Connor, because that was just the kind of person that Connor was. He couldn't sit and enjoy a nice meal with his new boyfriend's family, because all he could think of was that he never had a nice meal with his ex-boyfriend's family, because his father was so angry and his mother was so quiet and his brother was dead. The table there had always been awkward and awful.

Connor closed his eyes and opened them slowly. He couldn't hide in here forever. Even less than that, he didn't want Jude to have to come in here and find him. Connor couldn't deal with that whatsoever, and he refused to even try. He unlocked the stall door and he rhythmically washed his hands, not looking at himself in the mirror. He soaped every inch of his hands and then he rinsed them under the hottest water that he could stand. He dried his hands meticulously and then he forced himself to rejoin the table. The main course had been delivered while he'd been gone and his ginger ale had been refilled.

Jude smiled at him as he sat down. "Good thing you're back or I was going to try your steak for you."

"Would you like a bite?" Connor offered immediately.

"You try it first, tell me how it is, and then we can trade. Some of the pulled pork for the steak."

"It sounds like a good trade," Connor murmured.

At the end of the table, Jesus burst out laughing and Connor flinched at the sound. Jude tapped his foot against Connor's. Connor rubbed his against Jude's shoe and smiled a little.

"So, what do you do in a Greek mythology class?" Mariana asked.

"A lot of reading," Jude replied. "It's interesting reading, but there's a _ton_ of it."

"I bet it's written in, like, an old-type speak, though," Jesus said. "Is it hard to read?"

"Connor doesn't think it is, but sometimes I do. I think Kroger chose the simple version of the translation."

"Clearly, he believes in you," Callie said, laughing.

"Nah, not 'he'," Jude corrected. "Just 'they'."

"Clearly, _they_ believe in you," Callie repeatedly pointedly.

Connor was almost sad as the plates began to empty and the end of the meal started drawing to a close. He _liked_ Jude's family. He liked the way they could talk to one another and the affection that was so clearly flowing between them. He liked the feeling he got when he thought of being a part of it. He wondered what it would be like to have a family exactly like this. Had his mother survived, he and she might be like this. Had his mother survived, even Adam might have been different, though Connor knew that Adam would never have been like Stef and Lena were or like his own mother had been.

One thing Connor hadn't realized was how long goodbyes between a family of this size could be. He felt like he'd been standing in the parking lot for hours when Mariana sidled up next to him, a friendly smile on her face.

"I'm glad you were here tonight. It was nice to meet you," she said.

"You too."

"You seem happy with Jude."

"I am," Connor murmured.

"Well, I was hoping to be able to give you a hug before I leave."

"Oh! R-r-really?"

"Yeah!"

Connor nodded and let her hug him. Mariana was small and bubbly and he didn't expect the strength with which she hugged. He would have stumbled backward if Mariana weren't an anchor for him. He held her back lightly, and she let go before too long, telling him once more than it was nice to meet him. Feeling as if he'd said all of his required goodbyes properly, he slipped into the backseat of Stef's and Lena's car. It wasn't too long before Jude joined him, resting his head on Connor's shoulder.

"So, what did you think?"

"I liked it. Your family is really nice. I wasn't as worried as I thought I would be."

"Even though you went to have a panic attack in the bathroom?"

"Oh." Connor rested his head on top of Jude's. "I, um, wouldn't call it a panic attack."

"Then what would you say?"

Stef opened the driver's side door and Connor clamped his jaw shut. He still wanted Stef and Lena to believe that he was someone normal and someone _worthy_ of their son.

"What do you think, Jude? Good birthday?" Stef asked.

"Yeah, it was! Thanks for taking us out, Moms."

"Yes, thank you for inviting me out with you," Connor added.

"Oh, of course, Connor," Lena said. "You're a part of us now."

 _A part of them_?

Whatever else was said on the short journey back to Jude's house was lost as Connor mulled over those words. He'd only met Stef and Lena twice! And yet … they were considering him part of the family? It was impossible. They were just being nice. It was the only thing that made sense. He knew that Stef and Lena were nice people. They were so nice that, when they were inside the house and Stef and Lena decided to go up to bed, Lena gave him a kiss on the side of his head too. Connor reached up to touch the spot, feeling the warmth of a mother's kiss again. When they were up the stairs, Jude curled up in Connor's lap, his head against Connor's thigh.

"So?" Jude prompted.

"Hmm?" Connor ran his hand through Jude's hair.

"If you didn't have a panic attack in the bathroom, what was it?"

Connor couldn't believe that Jude was still thinking about that. He combed his fingers through Jude's soft hair. "There were a lot of things that felt … overwhelming. A night with your family couldn't compare to what I did for you. And, then, your family and _his_ are just … so different. Your family and _mine_. It made me want things I don't have and I always feel guilty when I do."

"Oh, baby." Jude sat up, but he didn't leave Connor's lap. Connor wrapped his arm around Jude's back, settling his hand against Jude's hip. "I loved both nights, I just liked them in different ways."

Connor averted his eyes from Jude's face. He couldn't help but think that one _had_ to be better. It was in completely conflict with his belief that Jude wouldn't lie to him, even if Jude thought it would make him feel better. It bothered Connor that he wasn't sure what to believe. He should have Jude figured out by now. He should have his relationship with Jude figured out by now. But Jude was surprising him still, and, to Connor's own shock, he was starting to find that he even liked some of Jude's surprises.

"There's not much else I can say about the other stuff, though. You have a place here, though."

"They've only met me once."

"They're welcoming people."

"They are," Connor whispered.

"Are you tired, baby?"

"Not really."

"So, we can cuddle and watch a movie?"

"Whatever you want," Connor agreed.

"Well, not if you don't want to."

"Jude?"

"Mhm?"

"I, um, w-w-was looking forward to your teen rebellion side."

Jude laughed. "All right, but we still need to find something for background noise."

Jude picked the first movie he found, which was an old movie called _Popeye._ It was already about halfway through, but that didn't matter, because the moment it started playing, Jude's lips were on his and Connor knew he wasn't going to see much of the movie. He couldn't have cared less about seeing a single bit of the movie. There was something sweet and normal about going out to dinner with his boyfriend's family and then coming home to kiss said boyfriend. And there was also something to say about the fact that he knew Jude would kiss him, but Jude would only kiss him.

Jude kissed him so sweetly too. Connor felt as if he would melt from the inside out. Jude was half in his lap, one hand clutching at Connor's forearm while the other rested against the upper part of Connor's chest. Jude's fingers clenched in Connor's shirt, but he never strayed too close to Connor's head, and Connor couldn't describe how it felt to be so confident in that.

"You make me a little breathless," Jude confessed, and he buried his face in the crook of Connor's neck.

Jude left Connor feeling that way too. He wasn't sure he could speak, so he took Jude's hand off his arm and pressed it to his chest over his racing heart.

"Me too," Jude said. His eyelashes tickled Connor's cheek. "I'm really glad you're here this weekend."

"Remind me to call my dad in the morning though, okay?"

"Okay." Jude paused. "You know … it's not that late. And we never got dessert. We could go out somewhere."

"You've got a sweet tooth," Connor accused and he touched the pads of his fingers to Jude's jaw.

"Gonna indulge me?"

"I could be persuaded."

Jude pressed his lips to Connor's quickly. "How much more persuasion do you need?"

"A little more."

" _Flirt_."

"I –" was all Connor managed before Jude had kissed him again.

This kiss was soft and full and it only took half a second before Connor's head was spinning and _he_ was the one whose mind wandered to something beyond kissing. But as quickly as that occurred, Connor had himself reined in. He couldn't think about it. He couldn't let himself get too caught up in it. The very thought of it made him too sick.

"I-I-I-I'm c-c-c-convinced."

"I thought that would take longer," Jude said, laughing. "I'm just going to go tell Moms we're heading out for a bit."

Connor had his shoes on by the time that Jude came back downstairs. He opened the front door and the two of them stepped outside.

"Are we taking Gerald?"

"We should. It's not the kind of walk I think you'd want to take tonight."

The car ride was short. Jude took him to a small candy shop which was painted a fairly bright pink. There was a 'wet paint' sign still hanging out front, while a hiring sign was stuck in the window.

"They haven't been open long. I haven't actually been here before, but Jesus told me about this place. Bulk candy, cheap. I figured we couldn't go wrong."

"That sounds nice."

When they got out of the car, Jude took Connor's hand and swung them as they entered the shop. There were a few people milling about, with one bored clerk in a gaudy pink apron stocking gum at the front of the counter. He was almost toppled over by an eight-year-old girl who clearly shouldn't have been in a candy store, but Connor was relieved to see he stayed on his feet. Jude tugged him over to the wall lined with candy.

"What are you in the mood for, baby? Gummies? Chocolate?"

"You were the one craving dessert. What would you like?"

Jude picked up two small glass jars which were to be filled with candy. He handed one to Connor. "You get the chocolate, I'll get the gummies, and that way we can have the best of both worlds."

"There's a lot of different kinds of chocolate here," Connor mused, looking around skeptically. He wasn't sure if he could guess what Jude would want correctly.

"Well, let's go through them!"

They spent a solid half an hour creeping along the wall and filling their jars as they went. Half of Connor's chocolate jar went to small milk chocolate disks with sprinkles along the top. Jude said he loved them, and Connor was glad to let Jude choose what he wanted. Connor wanted Jude to be happy, and he liked most of what Jude picked out. It wasn't as if Jude ignored his wishes, though. He was constantly asking if Connor wanted sour gummy bears or regular gummy worms. Finally, with their jars full, Jude dramatically put lids on the top.

"Now, we go home and find an actual movie. What do you say?"

"I say we should probably pay for the candy before we go."

"Ah." Jude balanced one jar on each of his palms. "We should."

"Let me get them," Connor offered.

"Connor, you don't have to –"

"I know," Connor murmured. "But I'd like to."

"Who am I to say 'no' to a treat? Thank you, baby."

Jude kissed his cheek and Connor took the jars. He cradled them carefully. The glass was thick but he would still hate to drop them. He and Jude turned toward the counter together, and Connor's eyes fell on the clerk. There was something familiar about the small man who was toying with the display case in front of him. Connor was just thinking of how he couldn't possibly know the man, when Jude blurted out, _"Dylan?!"_

Oh.

 _Oh_.

It was the boy from the photo in Jude's room, albeit a few years older and a couple of pounds heavier. Dylan smiled broadly.

"Jude!"

Connor had never felt jealously quite like he did when Jude hugged his ex-boyfriend. Dylan was hugging him back tightly, and Connor wondered if he should be trying to judge just how tightly Dylan was holding Jude. It felt like a kick in Connor's gut when Dylan kissed Jude's cheek. But he had his features schooled into a calm, if a bit blank, expression for when Jude and Dylan separated. Jude didn't turn to acknowledge Connor, though.

Instead, he simply said to Dylan, "I thought you were in Chicago!"

"I was. But …" Dylan shook his head, and looked up to Jude with trusting eyes. "Dad was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago and I packed up and came home."

"Oh, Dylan, I'm so sorry."

"Well, there's still a chance he'll beat it, but if he doesn't, I'd rather know that I came home and had a few more months with him, even if he doesn't agree with it."

Jude hugged Dylan again and Connor bit down on the inside of his cheek.

"Is there anything I can get for you? I _am_ supposed to be working."

"Oh, yeah, Connor has some candy for us." Jude turned around and reached for him, and Connor obediently stepped into place beside him.

Dylan wiped at his eyes and stepped back behind the counter. "Sure. Just the two small jars, then?"

"Yeah," Jude said. As Dylan began punching numbers on the cash register, Jude leant on the counter. "Taylor's throwing my birthday party tomorrow. You should come!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll text you the details but maybe you'll come hang out. I know she doesn't know you're here either, otherwise I would've heard that you were by now."

"Nah. Haven't really talked to anyone." Dylan put the jars in a bag and passed them to Jude. "I had better actually work, but I'll see you tomorrow, I hope."

"See you."

Jude slipped the bag around his wrist and Connor followed him out of the candy shop. He didn't speak as Jude opened his car door for him, but then again, Jude didn't either. Connor stared at the shop as Jude backed the car up. So, that was Dylan. He was nice and cuter when he smiled, just as Jude had said about him. Everything that Jude had said about him seemed true, from what Connor could gather in that short meeting. It meant Jude had really loved him too, and Connor had ever thought about the implications of that as heavily as he did now.

"Someone's quiet," Jude commented.

"You?" Connor replied.

"All right, that's fair."

"Are you thinking about Dylan?" Connor asked. "Or am I not allowed to ask?"

"I feel bad about his father. Maneesh is a good guy. I don't want him to die."

Of course Jude would have been close to Dylan's family too. "I'm … I'm sorry he's sick."

"Me too." Jude stopped in his driveway. "You okay, baby?"

"Yeah," Connor lied. He knew he shouldn't, but he didn't want to admit otherwise. He didn't want Jude to know what he was thinking because then they would probably fight and Connor hated the thought of fighting with Jude and he hated the thought of ruining this weekend. It was Jude's birthday weekend with his family, and they had all been kind enough to invite Connor along. Connor didn't want to be a burden to them.

He opened his car door and Jude hopped out of the driver's side. They went inside the house and curled back up in front of the T.V. together, just as they'd expected to do. Connor passed Jude the remote for Jude to pick a movie, but Jude didn't take it. He simply covered Connor's hands with his own.

"You sure there's nothing bothering you? You've got a look."

He wasn't able to keep lying to Jude's face. He just wasn't. "I, um, just … w-was n-ever expecting to … meet, um, Dylan. That's all."

"Are you jealous?"

"Um … Oh. I … don't want to be."

There was a small grin on Jude's face, which Connor just didn't understand.

"You don't have to be jealous."

Connor knew that. He knew better.

Jude held both of Connor's hands. "You're the one that I'm with and I love being with you. Dylan is my friend now and that's all he is to me."

"He lives so close again."

"He does. But _you_ are my boyfriend and _you_ live even closer." Jude kissed Connor's forehead. "I'm not a cheater, Connor. And if I thought I still had feelings left for Dylan, I wouldn't have even tried to date you. But we've been apart a long time and we're different people. I've told you before that, in the long-term, I really don't think Dylan and I would have lasted, and I still believe that. I know you can't help how you feel, but try and remember that, okay?"

Connor nodded, and then he thought over Jude's words, and frowned.

"What is it?"

"D-d-does that mean you think _we'll_ last long term?" Connor just flat-out didn't know what to think about that. Being in a relationship again was hard enough, thinking about this relationship as a long-term thing was terrifying, even if Jude was wonderful.

" _We_ are new and I'm not sure about how long we'll last." Jude saw the look on Connor's face and gently squeezed his hands. "How about we just say that we'll last as long as it's good for the both of us?"

"I like the sound of that."

"I hoped you would. C'mon, let's find a movie and I can feed you candy."

"Not that close to my face!" Connor blurted.

"That wasn't my plan," Jude said. He relaxed against the back of the couch and slid his arm around Connor's waist. Connor let Jude pull him tight against his side and he rested his head against Jude's shoulder. "Don't you trust me?"

"I think so. But, if that wasn't your plan, then what was?" Horror washed over Connor. "If you were going to put it in your mouth and then mine, I think I'm going to need you to take me home now."

Jude laughed again. "What? You don't want my mouth near your mouth?"

"That wasn't what I meant!"

"You don't like this?" Jude asked, kissing Connor.

Connor laughed a little. Jude was in such a good mood and it was infectious. Connor had no reason to be in a bad mood either. "I like it a bit," he admitted shyly.

"What? This?"

Jude kissed him again and they toppled backward onto the couch. Connor's back was flat against the cushions, Jude's arm trapped underneath of him. Connor realized how easy it would be for Jude to climb on top of him at the same moment he realized Jude _wasn't_. Jude was tucked between Connor's side and the back of the couch, leaning on his side so that he could kiss Connor.

"Maybe that," Connor whispered.

"Well, I kinda like it. So I'm glad you kinda like it."

"Will you kiss me again?" Connor asked.

"I can probably manage it," Jude said, and Connor barely had time to smile before he was kissed again.

He rested one hand against the back of Jude's head, and even though they were kissing and Connor had come to realize that he rather _liked_ kissing Jude and it wasn't scary like kissing his ex, Connor's mind wandered. He thought of how he liked to play with Jude's hair and Jude liked having his hair played with but the very thought of Jude getting close to even his _collarbone_ sent him into near hysterics. It was almost as if Jude could sense his change in mood, because Jude's lips left his own and instead Jude settled into Connor's arms.

"What are you thinking about?" Jude asked.

Connor should have expected the question. That was just how Jude was. "I trust you."

"I know you do."

Should Connor be so surprised that Jude was so confident about that? "You do? But I don't … I mean, there are things I can't … There's … My face, and ev-everything and …"

"Doesn't mean you don't trust me," Jude said. "And I'm just going to keep earning your trust. The you here with me now trusts me a lot more than the you I met in September."

"That's true."

"And it doesn't matter that I can't touch your face. You let me kiss it and that's what matters." Jude snuck a kiss to Connor's cheek. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"That's a gift on its own."

Jude was too good for him. But Connor had voiced that too many times and he didn't want to be repetitive. He didn't want to be _boring_. He stretched one arm over to the coffee table. "Gummies or chocolates?"

"How about chocolate?"

Connor picked up that jar and he rested it on his stomach and it leant against Jude to stay balanced. Jude held the base of it and he unscrewed the top.

"What kind do you want first?"

"The one with sprinkles!"

Jude was so adorable when he was excited. Connor found one of the candies he wanted, though he felt bad about putting his fingers on it. Jude didn't seem the least bit bothered about that fact, if he thought of it at all. He let Connor feed him the chocolate and then he snuggled back into Connor's side. Connor chose his own chocolate to suck at and he rested his head on top of Jude's.

"What are you thinking about?" Connor asked quietly. It seemed like Jude was always asking him that question. He didn't want Jude to think that he didn't care about him.

"Whether or not I would have missed."

"What?"

"How much do you trust me?"

"You aren't going to hurt me." Connor sounded confident, but not as confident as he would have liked.

Jude moved up onto his elbow and Connor shifted closer to the edge of the couch. He trusted Jude, but that didn't mean he liked the feeling of someone being above him like that. Jude was trying his best not to be suffocating, though. Connor noticed that. He picked up one of the chocolates from the jar and turned his attention back to Connor.

"Open your mouth?"

"My _mouth_?" Connor repeatedly, not opening his mouth very much at all when he said it.

"Trust me a little more, hmm, baby? I'm not going to stick my fingers in your mouth."

Connor could trust him that much, he decided, though it did take him a moment to get there. He slowly opened his mouth, his eyes never leaving Jude's face. Jude held his fingers up over Connor's head, moving them this way and that, and then he dropped the chocolate. It hit the side of Connor's lips before sliding onto the couch cushion.

"I guess I _did_ miss."

Connor picked up the chocolate. "Um, what were _trying_ to do?"

"How else was I going to feed you candy?"

Connor picked up the chocolate. "Try again?"

"You're going to end up eating a lot of couch fluff."

"I trust you to not feed me that much couch fluff!"

Jude held up the chocolate again, this time with a look of pure concentration on his face. He took more time in aiming. He gently tossed the chocolate and this time it landed firmly on Connor's tongue.

"Thank you," Connor said.

"How's the couch fluff?"

"Pretty good, actually. You want to try some?"

"I think I'll take a pass, but you're so sweet for offering." Jude snuggled into Connor's side. "You know what though?"

"What?"

"You should open the gummy jar too!"

Connor could do that.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **He's Not Him**_ **by Megan & Liz. If you have a song that reminds you of **_**Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	34. Turning Page

At seven-thirty the next morning, Connor realized that he woke up earlier than any of the Adams-Fosters on the weekend. He sat up in his borrowed bed, which used to belong to Mariana, and stretched. It had been a fairly peaceful sleep. He'd tossed and turned for about an hour, but he hadn't come near having a panic attack about sleeping in an unfamiliar place, and he was proud of himself so that feat. He thought it was going to be so much more of a problem that it ended up being. He looked around the room and wondered just what to do with himself. He didn't know when Jude would be up, but Connor certainly wasn't going to be the one to wake him.

Connor wondered if he should leave his room or attempt to entertain himself until he heard someone else wake. However, the impulse to not stay in bed was strong. Waking early had been a habit because he had to make sure his ex had a breakfast to eat before work and a lunch to take to work and had his clothes in order for the day. If Connor had been allowed to touch his briefcase or any of the papers relating to his job, it probably also would have been Connor's responsibility to keep that in order. But something like that was too important for Connor to screw up.

Connor decided to get dressed for the day. He tried to take his time doing it in order to give the others time to wake, but it wasn't in Connor's nature to procrastinate. It may have been, once upon a time, but it was a habit that Connor had long since outgrown. Or, to be more accurate, it was a habit that had been grown out of him. Once he was ready, he stood in the centre of the room, utterly indecisive. He was _allowed_ to leave the room. But Connor had no idea what he would do once he was out. He felt that if he were to do anything at all, he would be intruding, though he couldn't let himself stand and be idle either. He had to admit, he spent a moment twiddling his thumbs and trying to figure out what it was that he could do.

In the end, he decided to make breakfast. Rifling through the kitchen was less than ideal and the thought made him uncomfortable, but he justified it to himself. He'd make a nice meal to repay Stef and Lena for some of their hospitality and he'd be sure to do the dishes as he went, so there was absolutely nothing for them to do but enjoy when they woke.

Connor was quieter than a mouse as he crept down the stairs and into the kitchen. He felt like a criminal as he prepared the ingredients for French toast and began to actually make it. He took his time and he made himself _enjoy_ what he was doing. This wasn't a chore. This was a breakfast made by him for people that he cared about. Good people that cared about him in return. Connor was halfway through cooking the bacon when he heard footsteps. He turned around, hoping for Jude, but instead, it was Stef.

"I thought I smelt something good."

"Good morning," Connor said. "I hope you don't mind that I … took over the kitchen."

"Not at all. This is amazing, Connor. Thank you."

"I made coffee. Would you like me to get you a cup?"

"I can get my own mug, thank you. It looks like you've done enough." Stef grabbed a two mugs out of the cupboard and poured them, mixing in milk and sugar. "I'm going to take one up to Lena and poke at Jude. Help yourself to a cup."

"Thank you," Connor said, although he wasn't particularly in the mood for coffee. He was too nervous about making sure that everything was ready by the time Stef returned with Jude and Lena. He wanted them to like their breakfast.

Connor had places set at the island by the time everyone joined him in the kitchen. Lena thanked him before he had even served her anything, which Connor thought strange. It was also nice, however, to be recognized for the fact that he had done something at all. He told himself not to get used to it, but then Jude shuffled in, yawning and sleepy eyed, and Connor thought that, perhaps, he could afford to get used to it.

Jude propped himself up on his elbow and squinted at Connor. "Morning."

Connor gently ran his fingers through Jude's bedhead. "Morning."

He felt guilty. He hadn't mean to interrupt their Saturday morning by waking them all up so early. Stef and Lena didn't seem to mind, but Jude seemed nearly back to sleep where he was sitting. Connor turned and fetched a mug, preparing Jude's coffee the way he liked. When he gave Jude the drink, Jude smiled. Connor was always glad to see that smile.

"What did you make?" Jude asked, putting his arm around Connor's waist.

"Just French toast," Connor said. "Nothing too fancy."

"I still can't wait to try it," Jude said.

"I'll dish you up some. How many pieces do you want?"

"Let's start with two," Jude said. "But you don't have to get it. I can handle a plate."

"No, what's the point of cooking for you if I make you work?" Connor asked. "Stef, Lena, what would you like?"

He took their orders happily, putting French toast on plates and topping off coffee mugs before he took his seat next to Jude.

"This is excellent, Connor," Lena said right after taking her first bite.

"Thank you." Connor was sure he was blushing.

"Are you teaching Jude how to cook?" Stef asked.

"He's trying." Jude took a sip of his coffee. "It's not really his teaching skills that are the problem."

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Jude," Connor said.

"He's a very _nice_ teacher," Jude added.

"I think a teacher has to be," Lena said. "Students don't learn anything from rude administrators."

"I think there can be some value in tough love," Stef argued. "You can't be nice _all_ the time."

Lena chuckled. "Jude's an adult, not a puppy you need to be firm with."

Admittedly, the mental image of Jude as a puppy was enough to make Connor chuckle too.

"A little rolled up newspaper and he'd be good to go!" Stef said. "What do you think, Connor?"

"I think he learns okay without the newspaper." Connor quickly shoved a bite of French toast into his mouth. He couldn't even manage the nudging sort of hit that Amy had given Jake. He couldn't imagine rolling up a newspaper and hitting Jude with it, intending for it to teach him a lesson.

Jude dropped his fork against his empty plate. "I'm still not able to make something as good as this."

"You can try next time," Connor said. "You could prove yourself wrong."

"I say I need more practice."

"Then practice and surprise us with breakfast on Christmas."

Jude rolled his eyes at Stef. "You overestimate me."

"You underestimate you," Connor replied.

Jude took his hand under the table and the two of them waited for Stef and Lena to finish up their last few bites.

"What are you two doing today?" Stef asked.

"I was going to take Connor for a little drive around, show him a couple of places. Taylor hasn't told me what time she wants to meet up yet, but it'll probably be around eight."

"Going to be home late?"

"Won't know until we get home," Jude joked to Lena. "Taylor knows I don't like to stay up that late, though, so we should be home before dawn."

 _Dawn_. Connor could have choked on his tongue. Dawn was too far away. He couldn't imagine what could go on for that long that could be enjoyable. He forced himself to take a steady breath. He had, in fact, signed up for something like this when he told Jude he wanted to come along this weekend. He wasn't ignorant. He had a vague idea of what was going on. It was Jude's twenty-first birthday and, like most people turning twenty-one, it was a big deal that involved getting drunk. Connor couldn't hold that against Jude. Jude should be able to celebrate that like a normal person. Connor had made the decision to be here with him throughout all of that and he was determined to be there. Even so, he was sure that Jude wouldn't hold it against him if Connor wanted to come home early without Jude. The only problem was that Connor didn't know if he had the willpower to make it back to Stef's and Lena's without his boyfriend.

He supposed he would just have to deal with it when it happened. That idea was particularly unappetizing. Connor, at the very least, liked to have some vague idea what he was about to walk into. Here, he was at a loss. He'd never been to a bar to party with friends. He had no idea what it would be like. It wasn't as if they were his friends. They were Jude's friends. Connor was going to know Jude and Taylor and that was it.

And Dylan. Connor was sure he would recognize Dylan anywhere after last night. His skin itched. Dylan was great. Connor was sure Dylan was great. He thought that was what bothered him so much. He didn't want Jude to have a bad experience with his ex-boyfriend. Connor would never wish that on anyone. But he would have much rather have had Dylan remain as an intangible part of Jude's past. Connor had never thought about what it would be like to meet Dylan because he never thought he would. It was selfish to wish that Dylan wouldn't show up to Jude's party tonight, but that was exactly what Connor was wishing. He didn't like the feeling of jealousy. His ex had been a jealous man. It hurt Connor to think that he might have that in common with his old boyfriend.

"What do you think, Connor? Want to get ready and head out for a while?"

Connor crashed back into himself at the sound of Jude's voice. How long had he been spacing out for? He had never been good at getting himself out of his own head.

"Oh. I should get the dishes done."

"Don't even think about it," Stef said. "No more work for you today. You two go out and enjoy yourselves."

"Thank you, Stef," Connor said. "I hope you liked breakfast."

"It was very good, Connor. Thank _you_."

Connor smiled shyly at Lena. "You're welcome."

After that, he allowed Jude to pull him upstairs so they could get dressed.

(-.-)

Jude reached over to Connor's lap and grabbed one of the candies out of the jar he was holding. They were sitting in the parking lot of Anchor Beach and Jude was staring at the front doors. The entire universe had changed between the times that he'd walked in those doors as a temporary foster student and walked out as the graduate of two proud mothers. He'd also been a boyfriend then, to a very different sort of man.

"Connor?"

"Hmm?" Connor said, pulled from some unknown thought. He looked at Jude and the sun caught his eyes in such a way that Jude swore he could see a million different colours. "What are you thinking about?"

 _That I'm going to scare you, because I'm going to fall in love with you someday._

"There's somewhere else I want to show you."

"I thought you said Anchor Beach was the last stop before supper."

"I lied." Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder, although he had to stretch and the top of his head barely brushed Connor's arm. "Which I didn't mean to do. But, I didn't think of taking you there. Come on, it's a little bit of a drive. Not too bad, though. Don't worry."

"Where are we going?"

Jude bit down on his lip and straightened up, turning the key. Gerald started with a rumble and Jude backed out of the parking lot.

"Don't forget your seatbelt," Connor whispered.

"Thanks, baby."

Jude was careful as he yanked his seatbelt over his body and clicked it into in place. He reached across the console and Connor played with his fingers.

"Where are we going, Jude?"

Jude waited another few minutes, tapping his thumb against the back of Connor's hand to let Connor know that Jude wasn't ignoring him. He waited until they were _almost_ there to clear his throat.

"I never had a really _good_ foster home before Stef and Lena. I had some that were not so bad. Some that were really bad." Jude checked over his shoulder and then parked along the side of the road. "This was the last one."

Jude didn't look out the window at the house. He just turned to face Connor, watching as Connor peeked over his shoulder to look at it. Jude could imagine that it had been cleaned up and fixed for the new owners. His foster parents from that time were long gone. He didn't want to know. It was a dim nightmare. His life had really started the night Callie had recused him from this pit. He was sure that Connor knew that.

"Oh, Jude," Connor cooed. "Don't cry."

Jude felt his tears then, hot and fat, rolling along his neck and making his skin itch with the salt. Connor unbuckled their seatbelts and freed Jude, pulling Jude into his arms. Jude hugged Connor tightly than he normally would have dared. Connor didn't say anything, he just let Jude hang onto him and cry. Connor was sturdy under Jude's hands and Jude felt stupid the entire time they were clinging to each other. After nine years, it shouldn't be an issue anymore. But Connor was soft and vulnerable with Jude and Jude could be the same way in return. Connor made Jude feel like he could be his entire self, rather than just a portion of himself, and he let the guilt wash away with his final wave of leaky tears.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked, and though there was concern in his voice, he sounded so _awkward._ The tone was light enough for Jude to smile a little.

"I didn't mean to cry on you." Jude sat up and Connor brushed his tears away. "I'm sorry. I really didn't bring you here to cry."

"Now you sound like me," Connor said. "If I'm allowed to cry, then you're allowed to cry. I'm here for you, Jude."

"I know you are."

Connor was looking over Jude's shoulder again, to the house. Jude took a long breath, holding it until Connor met his eyes again. Connor handled him with even more kid gloves than he normally did, and it made Jude fall more in love and feel more protected.

"How do I help you?" Connor asked, and he reached up to play with Jude's hair. "I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing."

Jude tilted his head into Connor's caress, letting it soothe him. Connor was so determined to help him and be there for him. It warmed him from the inside out and he pressed a kiss to Connor's palm.

"Hold my hand while we drive, okay?" Jude murmured. "I didn't mean to be parked here so long."

"Is that all you want?"

"For now." Jude smiled at him. "Maybe some good music too?"

"I can do that."

Connor held his hand tightly, already looking through his phone for some good music to play.

"Where are we going now?"

"I was thinking we'd just go loaf around Moms' until I heard something definitive from Taylor. Does that sound good to you?"

"You haven't heard from Taylor yet?"

"No. And don't give her that look either."

"I'm not giving a look."

Jude laughed and stopped at the red light, looking at Connor. "You're thinking that she's a bad planner and that makes you itch. She's got it all planned, baby, I'm just not allowed to know."

"I just don't like bad planning."

"I know." Jude continued down the road. "You're quirky like that."

"Annoying?" Connor corrected.

" _Quirky_. I said quirky. Add not really knowing how to listen to your list of _quirks_."

Connor gave a little indignant tug on Jude's hand and Jude laughed. He lifted Connor's hand and kissed his knuckles. He knew Connor wasn't upset by anything he'd said, but Jude just wanted to make sure that there weren't any ruffled feathers at all.

"If I'm quirky," Connor said, "then you must be boring."

"Hey!"

"You're not as weird as I am."

"I like you weird." Jude parked behind Stef's car, checking his phone. It was almost six. "You really think I'm boring?"

"No. I mean, even if you are boring, I like you that way." Connor tapped his fingers on his seatbelt. "I guess that makes me a little boring too."

"Well, that's how I like you. I –" Jude's cell phone started ringing. "Sorry, baby, just a sec. Hello?"

"Hey, Jude."

"What's up?"

"I just wanted to call and see if you still had plans for tonight!" Dylan said.

"Yeah, of course. I'm still waiting on the details, but it's going to be that dumb bar with the weird windows. The one who's sign always got stolen when we were in high school."

"The nameless bar," Dylan said, laughing. "Didn't you steal the sign once?"

"Taylor did! I was just … there."

"Sure, sure."

Jude glanced over as Connor let himself out of the car. He didn't go inside on his own, but that was more characteristic of Connor than it was indicative of anything. "Yeah, Taylor said we'd probably be meeting around seven, so I'll let you know if I hear any different."

"Oh, okay. I'm actually on break at work right now. I got called in to cover a shift until nine."

"So I'll let you know if we switch bars and you can just meet up with us then."

"All right. Sounds good." Dylan paused. "I guess I should go now."

"Yeah. Uh, see you later. Have fun at work."

"It feels weird to end a conversation with you and not say 'I love you'."

Jude closed his eyes. He didn't know what to say and, really, he didn't want to hear whatever Dylan might say. He was beyond his relationship with Dylan. He knew Dylan was over his relationship with him. Jude didn't want to revisit any feelings of nostalgia about their past. He was happy with Connor, and even though it felt wrong to compare, he knew that he was happier with Connor than he ever was, ever _could_ have been, with Dylan.

"Don't get soft on me, Dylan." Then in a more serious tone, he added, "You know I'm happy."

"I didn't. I don't know much about you anymore. Which is probably why this is so weird, Jude. But don't accuse me of things. You're cute, but you're not cute enough for me to try and steal you back."

"I take offense! For that, you're buying me a drink tonight!"

"I'll even buy one for the new boyfriend. Is he the new boyfriend? Anyway, I'll buy one for that guy just to prove I haven't become an asshole in the past couple of years."

"He's my boyfriend, Dylan, and you can put your money where your mouth is later," Jude said, watching Connor anxiously pick at his thumbnail. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Sure. See you."

Jude hung up quickly so Dylan didn't have a chance to say anything. He got out of the car and gently tugged at his shirt. Connor tilted his head to look at him. Jude slid his hand down the length of Connor's arm and took his hand. Connor didn't pull away, but Connor wasn't one to pull away either. Jude didn't want to imagine what his ex had done to him to make sure that he always did what he what he was told.

"Your jealous streak may be wider than I thought," Jude said, trying to keep his voice light.

"W-w-what do you mean?"

"Come up and sit on the porch with me, okay?"

Connor nodded and Jude tugged him up the stairs. Connor followed along obediently, and he and Jude settled next to one another. Connor sat fairly close to him, which Jude felt buoyed by. Connor couldn't be that upset with him.

"You left the car when you figured out I wasn't talking to Taylor," Jude pointed out.

"It was Dylan, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Jude nudged Connor's shoulder with his own. "You don't have anything to worry about."

"You said that."

"Well, you still don't believe it. So, I'll say it until you do. _You_ don't have a single thing to worry about."

Connor faced him. "Jude … you were in love with him. I fell in love once too. It's a hard thing to leave that behind completely. I'd understand if you weren't sure about being past that anymore. I wouldn't like it, but I'd rather hear that and have it be the truth than find out later that you're lying to me right now."

"I'm not lying to you," Jude swore. "I don't love him anymore. He was a good part of my life and a big part of my life, but he is definitely in the past."

"You loved him. You don't love me."

"And you would freak out and never speak to me again if I said I loved you."

Against his side, Connor stiffened and leant away from him. "That wasn't an 'I don't love you'. Jude …"

"But it is. I like you, a lot. I'm not going to lie to you. It's a _lot_ , but I'm not in love with you, baby. I'm going to scare you by telling you that I could fall in love with you and that it'd be really easy to love someone like you."

"It'd be easy to love me?"

"Yes."

"You're right. That is scary."

Jude tickled Connor's ribs and he smiled. "I am with _you_. I am happy with you. I don't want you to be unhappy with Dylan being around tonight. I know you've already got a lot to deal with already. I can uninvite him. I promise I won't make it about you."

"No," Connor said firmly, without even taking the time to consider it. "I'd be more bothered if you uninvited him."

"Why?"

Connor reached out and placed his arm around Jude's shoulders. Jude cuddled into Connor and just listened to him breathe for a long few minutes.

"Thinking of Dylan in terms of a hypothetical was easy. Now I've seen him. To let my imagination take over from there is going to make things worse. I know you a little bit now, Jude, and your actions and your words always match. It's not that I don't believe you now because I do. It's just that seeing it makes it real for me. Words don't really mean anything."

Jude lifted his head to look at Connor, and then pressed a kiss to his jaw. He could have said any number of words, but after hearing that, he knew that it wouldn't be enough. Connor smiled at his small kiss, and then his grip on Jude's shoulders became even tighter, and Jude kissed him again. Connor's lips were soft and he wrapped both of them around Connor's waist. He didn't want to let go. The last of the sun's rays touched their faces as they kissed. Jude felt his heart speed up and then his blood began to surge. Connor kissed him and Jude knew that final long kiss, and he wasn't surprised when Connor pulled away.

"For the record, Jude, I really like you too."

"At this point," Jude said, "I would hope so."

(-.-)

They walked to the bar, leaving Gerald at home. It was nearly half an hour of walking, but Connor didn't mind it. Jude held his hand as they walked, and Connor couldn't help from feeling a little nervous. It was a new area. He didn't know what people here would do if they saw Jude and he holding hands, though he knew that people here weren't like that, for the most part. He should feel safe. They were almost half an hour from the bar when Connor spotted them.

Two older men, in their late fifties or early sixties, kissing quickly before the short one with the beard held the passenger side door of their yellow car open for the tall clean-shaven man. Connor loved seeing old gay couples. It made him feel hope. That no matter what was said, there was nothing about his feelings that were a phase. Connor was gay and that was a part of him; he knew it wasn't going to leave. Yet, sometimes he felt like it was a curse too, and seeing two men being able to be old and happy and in love like any old man and woman could be was, frankly, inspiring. Connor never saw it. He wished he could see it more. He didn't even believe in love, let alone the fact that someone could actually be happy with another person forever. He knew being in love didn't mean you were happy. The thing was that Connor wanted to believe. He wished he could have that kind of faith.

"Ready for this?" Jude asked, and Connor jumped. "You okay?"

"I … I, um, was th-thi-thinking. I forgot about the world," Connor admitted, feeling embarrassed over it. "What did you say? I'm sorry. I should've been focused!"

"You're fine, baby. I just asked if you were ready. See that brown building there? That's the bar."

"What's the bar called anyway?"

Jude shrugged. "No one knows anymore. I'm sure you could Google it and find out but it's more fun if you don't. They just have a really easy sign to steal and now it's a game to steal it. Every time they put it back up, it's under a new name."

"That seems really mean," Connor said.

"Nah. They play the game too. They have a sign donation jar inside and so they don't actually pay for the new signs themselves. So, once a month, they open the jar and buy whatever sign they can afford. One time, they had a really elaborate metal sign and then the next month no one donated so they bought neon orange poster board and scribbled a name on it."

"Who started it?"

"I don't know. I was, like, two when the bar opened. This will actually be the first time I've ever been in it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. When I was in tenth grade they found out one of their bouncers was letting underage kids in and now they're really strict about it."

"At least they didn't let it continue."

"Exactly." Jude led Connor up to the front door. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

Connor held the door open for Jude, taking in the smell of French fries and, oddly, cherries. The lighting inside was fairly dim and there were tables crowded around one another. As soon as Jude stepped over the threshold, Taylor appeared, seemingly out of nowhere and wrapped a metallic silver and blue sash around Jude.

"GUESS WHO'S LEGAL?" she shrieked.

"Me?" Jude looked down. "Birthday Boy!"

Taylor physically turned Jude around. "Connor! What do you think of the sash?"

"He looks good in it." Connor stepped into the bar too and let the door shut behind him.

Taylor ruffled Jude's hair and grinned brightly. "Come on, over to the bar. We need to start with shots."

"You're going to kill me before the end of the night."

"That's the plan." Taylor held out her hand. "Come on, Connor. You too."

"I don't drink," Connor reminded her.

"I know! But we're not leaving baby in a corner, come on."

Jude reached out his hand too and Connor took his. Taylor took lead in the chain and they scrunched up at the bar. The bar was fairly busy, but when Jude looked over at Connor, there was nothing anxious in his face, which made Jude happy. Taylor bent over the bar, fluttering her eyes at the bartender, who was at her side in a flash. She ordered six shots of tequila and Jude felt his gag reflex rise. He wasn't over the tequila from the other weekend with Taylor.

The bartender placed the shots neatly on a tray for Taylor and she picked them up with finesse. "Over to the big table. Daria and Thomas are holding it for us, along with a few other random kids we manage to pick up from high school."

At the mention of people he didn't know, Connor swung their joined hands and Jude squeezed him reassuringly. He made sure that Connor had a chair that was tucked in the inside corner, with him on one side and Daria seated across from him. Jude didn't think that Connor and Daria had spoken that much on Halloween outside of the group chat they'd all had, but he knew that Connor would be more comfortable with Daria than from one of the people he'd never seen before.

Taylor happily delivered a few tequila shots around the table.

"Drink up, Jude!"

"This is the last time I'm having tequila tonight," he informed Taylor.

"Haha, _right_ ," she said, picking up her on shot. "Cheers, Judicorn!"

Jude clinked his shot against Taylor's. "Not tonight, Taylor."

"Every night is a good night to bother you!"

"Help me," Jude mouthed to Connor.

"I think … you signed yourself up for this."

"Don't leave me," Jude said. "Please."

Connor tightened his grip on Jude's hand. "I won't."

Jude took the shot in perfect sync with Taylor.

(-.-)

Jude was too drunk for it to only be quarter after ten. He had himself propped up on one hand, leaning on the sticky table they'd originally sat down at. Daria and Thomas were shamelessly making out in front of him, although things were a little blurry for him right now and he wasn't paying a lot of attention. The other few friends Taylor had tried to scoop up had moved on to a newer bar, but Jude had elected to stay here. Taylor and Connor had just left him – Taylor to get more drinks, and Connor to help her carry them. Jude wasn't sure if he should drink anymore. He lifted his head when he heard a glass hit the table.

"Taylor, if that's not a –"

"Long island iced tea because you're a princess."

"It's like ninety percent alcohol, Dylan. Don't hate it! Besides, that's a margarita and that's not exactly the height of masculinity."

"Says who?" Dylan asked, sliding into the seat across from Jude. "Hi, Daria?"

"And her boyfriend, Thomas," Jude supplied, though neither half of the couple looked up at their names. "Glad you made it."

"Drink up. Or do you not like them anymore?"

"No, I still like them. I remember you taking, like, a year to figure out how to learn to make them for me."

Dylan laughed. "It's hard to steal that much liquor from your parents! Go ahead, taste it! Tell me it's worse than mine."

"I'm not going to lie to protect your ego." Jude pulled the drink toward him and took a sip.

"And where's the new guy?" Dylan continued. "I promised him a drink too, but I don't know what he likes. He kinda looks like one of those masculine beer types. What happened to not being into jocks?"

"What?"

"No, really, if I had buffed up would we still be together?" Dylan flexed, but he didn't have much to flex.

"His name is Connor, don't act like you don't know. He doesn't drink any kind of alcohol. He's a bit of a jock, he plays baseball, but he is the sweetest man I've ever met. I don't know if I'd call him the stereotype of masculinity, but he's more masculine than you," Jude teased, kicking Dylan's shin slightly under the table. He bit his lip, picturing Connor and confessed, "I … am so into him." He sipped at his drink again. "And you broke up with me and the long island iced tea is better than yours."

"My heart! Jude, you wound me!"

"But I'm not lying to you!"

"No, you're not. So, where is he? Or did he skimp out on your party early?"

Jude waved his hand. "Taylor kidnapped him. I should go rescue him if he's not back in, like, five more minutes."

"No. Some guy with a beard that looks like a bird's nest is taking shots out of her belly button. I don't see the new guy."

Jude turned around so quickly it felt like the whole bar tilted on its side. Sure enough, there was Taylor. But no Connor next to her. He immediately thought of last night. He wasn't going to leave Connor alone, having a panic attack in the bathroom again.

"He'll be fine," Dylan said. "Unless you think he's going to be jealous you're sitting here with me."

"You're the one that can't say his name," Jude said. "And here I thought you'd moved on."

"Not the way that you have," Dylan said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Come on, Jude. It hasn't been so long that I don't know you at _all_ anymore." Dylan grinned. "I know what you in love looks like. And Jude's got it bad."

"Why's everyone say that?"

"If everyone's saying it, then it must be true." Dylan finished his drink. "Does Taylor say it?"

"She said it first," Jude admitted. He was halfway through his new drink. Honesty was going to be his biggest demon if he finished it. He took another drink anyway.

"Well, if Taylor knows, then it must be true. There's no one else in the world that knows you the way that Taylor does."

"She's got a little competition."

Dylan laughed. "You're cute in love."

"Dylan!"

" _Anyway,_ " Dylan said, and his hand shot up, "Hey, Connor, over here!"

Jude turned around and there was Connor, standing next to Taylor. Taylor waved at Jude and Dylan, and then she began to tow Connor over to them.

(-.-)

The bathroom was crowded and Connor left, though his palms were still sweaty and his heart was still pounding. This was harder than he thought it would be. He felt crowded, he felt sick with the amount of drunk men around him – Jude even slightly included in that count –, and he felt guilty for leaving Taylor standing at the bar when he said that he would help her carry drinks and for leaving Jude sitting at the table when he said he wouldn't leave Jude tonight. Connor's heart felt heavy when he walked into the main room of the bar, thinking about all of the hours left in the night. He would be by Jude's side through every one – he had promised. Then, his heart sunk all the way to his shoes. Jude didn't need his company.

Dylan was sitting with him.

Connor looked around and spotted Taylor, sitting up from a table and tugging her shirt down over her stomach. He sidled over to her, and to her red-faced, drunk-eyed credit, she skipped away from the crowd she had managed to gather and coddled up against him.

"How was the bathroom?" she asked.

"Crowded."

"Sure you weren't in the women's?" Taylor teased, and then she nearly fell over.

Connor caught her and propped her up between himself and a table.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Tell Taylor," she whispered. "Tell. You can trust me."

"How well do you know Jude?"

"Better than anyone barring Callie but that's just 'cause she's nosy and I like to let her think so. _Why?_ "

"Do I need to worry?" he whispered, ashamed he was even asking.

"About what?"

Connor gestured over to Jude's table and Taylor gasped, her hands coming up to cover her face. "Is that Dylan? What is he doing here?"

Connor shifted his weight onto his left food and explained what had happened in the candy shop the night previous. Taylor pawned a shot off a nearby girl while he spoke. When he was finished, Taylor rested her hand on his arm, looking at Jude's and Dylan's table and then slyly back to Connor.

"Do you think you have to be worried?"

Connor hesitated. He didn't know what he should say to Taylor or that he could. He liked her, well enough, but she was Jude's best friend and they didn't really know each other.

"Connor, I like you."

"I like you too," Connor replied.

"And Jude's my best friend in this whole world. And he likes you a lot, so I like you a lot. And you can count on me for whatever you need … as long as you never hurt him."

"I'm not going to hurt him," Connor promised.

"Good!" Taylor grinned at him. "So, I'm gonna ask again: do you think you have to be worried?"

"I don't know," Connor said. "I really don't know. I want to trust Jude more than anyone else but I can't stop my brain from spinning. Maybe if … if … if I hear it from someone else."

"Don't worry," Taylor said confidently. "Don't worry about a thing. You're his … favourite."

"Favourite boyfriend?" Connor asked, thinking that assessment wasn't fair at all.

"No. Just favourite."

"Was that Dylan once?" Connor asked quietly.

"You're not comparable," Taylor promised Connor. "Hey, do you have an ex?"

Connor swallowed. "Why?"

"Because Jude and your ex have got to be really different people, right? How can you compare? You have to feel differently about them, but it doesn't invalidate things with the ex. Connor, trust me, he's crazy about you."

At that moment, Dylan shouted Connor's name and Connor nearly had a heart attack. Taylor jumped up on her toes and waved brightly at them.

"Come on, Connor." She tugged him by the arm that she was still holding onto. "Dylan, hi!"

Taylor hugged Dylan and Connor attempted to step back, but Jude stretched across the table. Connor put his hand in his boyfriend's and he let Jude tug him into the booth next to him. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor and Connor put his arm around Jude's shoulder.

"Hey, what's going on?" Connor asked.

"Don't let me drink anymore," Jude instructed.

"It's not even that late!" Taylor squawked.

"I'm not throwing up tonight," Jude said. "And I've had like … ninety too many shots in the past couple hours."

"If _you_ had ninety shots in any amount of time, Jude, you'd die. You're weak, remember?"

"Leave him alone, Taylor," Dylan said, laughing. "You've got him pretty drunk."

"That's the way I like him!" Taylor protested. "Now, Dylan, we haven't seen each other in forever so why don't you go and get us some drinks so we can sit and catch up."

"Sure, sure. What would you like, Taylor?"

"Actually … I'm not sure. I'm going to go flirt with the bartender so he'll mix me up something. Jude, come with?"

"Why?"

"Because it's your birthday and I want to talk to you and last time I took Connor with me to buy drinks, he bailed and I ended up alone with some stranger … two strangers? Anyway, at least three shots were taken out of my bellybutton and I didn't know where he went. So, come along, Jude!"

Jude slipped from the bench and Connor let him go, even though Jude looked really unsteady on his feet. He hoped Jude stuck to his guns and didn't order another drink. Connor didn't know if he could stop Jude from having a drink if he came back with one, even though Jude had told Connor to not let him. As Taylor and Jude approached the bar, Connor realized that he was alone with Dylan. He knitted his fingers together and tried not to look at him.

"We were never really introduced, were we?"

Connor shook his head and made himself meet Dylan's eyes. "I … I'm Connor."

"I know. Hear about me much?"

"Occasionally," Connor said. "Jude … always speaks well of you."

"'Well of you'," Dylan quoted. "What are you, forty?"

"I … No. Just twenty-one." Connor shifted uncomfortably. He felt like he was being inspected.

"So, what are you like?" Dylan asked. "Who are you?"

"Oh. I don't know," Connor said with a shrug. Speaking with Stef and Lena the first time around had been far more comfortable than whatever this was. "I'm … a business major."

Did that even count? Connor had no idea if that was what Dylan was after and he didn't like that. New people were too unpredictable.

Dylan grinned at that and Connor noticed a dimple that appeared in one of his chubby cheeks. "I didn't know Jude had turned into a gold digger. Business major is a step up from starving art student."

Connor bit down on his lip and started to toy with one of the cardboard coasters that littered the table.

"That was a joke, you can laugh," Dylan said.

"Sorry. I – I guess we have different senses of humour."

"I guess that's all right. Jude mentioned you played baseball?"

Connor was floored. Had Dylan and Jude been sitting here talking about him? He didn't think he liked the thought of that, but he didn't think Jude would say anything that Connor would have hated for him to say. Jude knew him too well; Jude cared about him enough.

"I used to. Jude and I went to the batting cages."

"Oh. You've got him playing now?"

Connor smiled a little, thinking of it. "No. I wouldn't go that far."

Connor sought out Jude and breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that Jude and Taylor were on their way back over to the table.

(-.-)

It took Jude longer than it should have to realize that he and Taylor had just left Connor and Dylan alone together.

"Taylor –"

"Don't say it. It'll be less than ten minutes."

Jude stared at Connor and Dylan. "Hey, where'd Daria and Thomas go?"

"I don't know. Either they're under the table humping or they managed to crawl somewhere more private to hump." Taylor put her hands on her hips. "Connor's insecure about Dylan."

"He _told_ you that?"

"He told me pieces, but it's obvious. I –" Taylor cut herself off and turned to the bartender to order.

"And a regular Coke and a regular Sprite," Jude ordered over top of her.

The bartender shrugged and nodded before turning away. Taylor rounded on Jude again.

"So?"

"So what?"

"So Connor and Dylan."

"Connor and I talked about it last night after we ran into Dylan. He wanted Dylan here, Taylor."

"Did you want Dylan here?"

"You know I don't like him that way anymore."

" _I_ know and you _knew_ , but I wanted to make sure that you still know it after seeing him again."

"Earlier I told Connor I could fall in love with him and then tonight I think I admitted to Dylan that I _was_ in love with him."

"Jude!" Taylor hit him on the arm. "Jude!"

"What? Why?" Jude asked, rubbing his arm. "How are you that strong?"

"You're just weak. Don't distract. I've been talking about this love thing for weeks and then Dylan pops up for one night and you're spilling your guts!"

"I didn't mean to! Dylan was talking and I was drinking and Connor looks good tonight so –"

"So, if you think you feel it. Say it to me." Taylor grabbed Jude by his shoulders so that were looking straight at one another. "In a full sentence. If you really feel it. Then, don't say it to Connor and we can deal with it when you're sober."

"I love you, Taylor."

"I know you do. I love you too. Now, tell me about Connor."

"Connor? I … I …" Jude turned inward for a moment, thinking about his boyfriend. His drunk mind haphazardly tumbled through the consequences that his sober self so seriously considered, but it seemed inconsequential. "I love him. I love him. It's been two months and I love him."

"Uh oh, Jude."

"Uh oh, Jude," Jude repeated.

The bartender put their drinks down for them and Jude took the sodas for he and Connor while Taylor handled the alcoholic drinks. Jude slid in the booth next to Connor.

"Coke or Sprite?"

"Oh, whatever one you don't want," Connor said.

" _Baby_ ," Jude whined.

"We can share," Connor said. "How different is it from kissing you?"

Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "We can compare now if you want – Hey!" He straightened up indignantly and stared at Taylor. "That was an ice cube!"

"Because you need to chill out! I don't need to see you climbing under the table to – Hey! That was an ice cube!"

"Fair's fair."

"Cheers to that," Dylan said, and he offered his drink to clink against Jude's.

Jude touched the rim of the Coke glass against Dylan's and glanced at Connor's face. Connor didn't really look happy, but that didn't surprise Jude. He hadn't expected a truly happy look from Connor while at the bar. He knew that Connor was just sort of dealing with it and looking forward to going home. Even so, Jude didn't think that Connor had been completely unhappy. Or, at least, he hadn't until he was left alone with Dylan, and Jude wondered what had been said. Dylan wasn't mean, but Dylan didn't know Connor at all. It wouldn't have been hard for Dylan to accidentally upset him, especially given how uneasy Connor felt toward Jude's ex.

He nudged Connor and whispered, "Are you ready to go?"

"Only if you are."

Jude should have expected that.

"It's your birthday," Connor added. "I'm sure Taylor would be mad if you left early. Everyone else seems to have vanished."

Jude kissed Connor's temple. "It probably won't be too much longer."

It was a little longer than Jude anticipated. Jude stumbled out the door with Connor in tow at twelve-thirty. Last call was at one and Dylan and Taylor had decided that they wanted to have at least one more drink together. Taylor hadn't really wanted Jude and Connor to leave before she did, but Jude was tired. He was ready to go home. And he was sure that if he had another drink then he wouldn't be able to make it home. As it was, Connor was half-supporting him down the street.

"So," Jude said, "how was tonight?"

"Could've been worse."

"I love your optimistic outlook."

"And I love how you're slurring your words."

Jude waved his hand flippantly. Walking and gesturing was apparently too much for him to do at the same time and he tripped over his own two feet. Connor was quick to catch him and make sure he was steady.

"What would I do without you?"

"You managed for over twenty years," Connor pointed out.

"Eh. Like this better."

"I kinda like this better too."

Connor kissed him then, softly, as the cool night breeze ruffled their jackets. Jude went to place his hands on Connor's sides and lengthen the kiss, but Connor's hand shot up between them.

"You taste like vodka," Connor said. "I just … don't really like, um …"

"It's okay, baby. If I brush my teeth when we get home, can I have a goodnight kiss?"

Connor smiled and nodded. "Yeah. I'd like that too."

Connor wrapped his arm around Jude's waist again and they headed off down the street again.

"Were you happy with your birthday?"

"Yes."

"Happier because Dylan was there?"

"Connor …"

"I'm sorry!"

"No, I didn't mean to sound exasperated." Jude looked up at the house. "Baby, let's go in, put our jammies on, and then talk on the couch, okay? I'll brush my teeth and everything. Or do you want answers now?"

"I … I can wait," Connor said. "No, really. I'd rather be … comfy and know we have time and you're not thinking about pyjamas or inside. Let's go."

Jude hurried through getting ready. He knew that Connor was going to be thinking heavily about the evening and what was coming up and Jude didn't want to keep him waiting. As quick as Jude was though, when he went down into his living room, Connor was already sitting on the couch. He had his legs curled up and was leaning against the arm of the couch, one hand in his hair.

"Hey, baby," Jude said. He didn't want to sneak up on Connor. "What are you thinking about?"

"Um. You with … No. I don't want to say it."

Jude sat down on the couch next to him. "I was happy to see Dylan, but not in the way that I was happier because he was there. I'm not in love with him. The reason that I was so happy tonight was because _you_ were there. I was so happy to see _you,_ baby. You're the person I –" Jude tongue felt like it swelled inside of his mouth and he sucked in a breath, his conversation with Taylor flooding through him. "I care about. You're the one that makes me happy. Sitting there with you tonight … It made me realize how much happier I was that you were there. I know you're worried, but there's absolutely no reason for you to be. Okay?"

"I think I know that. I saw you and him and … It did make me jealous. I worry that you can talk to him differently than me. Because I'm damaged and he's not."

"You're not damaged." Jude reached out and put his hands on Connor's hips and Connor tilted toward him. "You're not. I think you're absolutely perfect."

"That's because you're drunk."

"That's because I'm smart."

Connor smiled and ducked his head. He glanced back up at Jude. "You brushed your teeth."

"Yeah. I'd … do nearly anything for you. That's what you mean to me."

"Do enough to add 'within reason' to the end of that?"

"I'd do nearly anything for you, within reason," Jude repeated. "Anything else you want to talk about?"

"No. Not right now. You know sometimes it takes a while for me to think through things."

Jude nodded. "Are you happy, baby?"

"Yeah," Connor said. "I am."

Connor kissed him and Jude felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Jude's hands clenched in Connor's shirt and when he leant backward, he was surprised that Connor went down along with him. Jude was flat on his back, but it didn't surprise him that Connor didn't climb on top of him, though Jude almost wished that he had. Instead, Connor slid down against Jude's side, his back to the back of the couch. His arm snaked around Jude's waist and Jude turned into him. He couldn't remember Connor ever kissing him like this and he wondered if Connor was just feeling possessive of him. The thought only slightly half-upset about it. He didn't think it was right and he didn't want Connor to kiss him like that only because of Dylan. Jude couldn't deny, however, that the kissing and the possessiveness was something of a turn-on. He closed his eyes and plastered himself as close to Connor as he thought Connor would let him get, one leg tossed over both of Connor's.

One of Connor's hands was tangled in his hair and Jude had to settle for pressing one of his hands to Connor's ribs. He wished that he could run one hand through Connor's long strands of hair; let his hand rest across Connor's jaw and feel the strong lines of it. He wanted it. But there was something to this to, and he had to stop wanting _more_ when he and Connor were kissing. Jude was sure they would get to more if they kept going the way that they had been. Jude knew he couldn't push. And he sobered as he realized that not pushing equalled not telling Connor that he was in love with him either. It was too early.

Connor sensed his mood change, because Connor was good about that. He sat up on one elbow and Jude was strangely thrilled to see that Connor's eyes were dark and emotional too. He wasn't unaffected by Jude, and it was ego-boosting to know. He ran his hand down the length of Connor's abs and immediately regretted it. He was drunk and already turned on. He shifted his hips back so Connor wouldn't realize.

"Can I tell you something?" Connor asked.

"Absolutely."

"It's late," Connor said, "but I'm not all that sleepy."

Jude grinned, because he knew what Connor was saying. "Wanna be my big spoon and find something to watch?"

"Are you sleepy?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Let's find an episode to watch anyway. We'll see if we're sleepy after that."

Connor nodded and Jude flipped onto his other side. Connor pulled Jude tightly to him and Jude relaxed into how familiar it felt. It felt _right_. Being held by Connor like this was Jude's new favourite place to be. Connor kissed the back of his neck and Jude could barely focus on turning the volume on the TV down and finding a show to watch. He found the tattoo show based around cover-ups and he left on that, even though it was the episode with the cat butt tattoo that they had already seen. Connor didn't complain, though Jude was sure that Connor wouldn't say a word even if he hated what they were watching.

"You know what, baby?"

"What?" Connor asked.

"I want to grab a blanket. I'm a little cold."

Connor sat up a little. "Are you sure you don't want to be in bed?"

"No. I just want a blanket." Jude kissed the side of Connor's mouth. He wasn't sure if he'd intended to miss or if he was just a little drunker than he'd realized and he had just ended up there. "I'll be right back."

It took him all of six seconds, so it seemed, to fetch his favourite blanket from the upper floor and return to Connor. Jude spread the blanket over the two of them and snuggled back in. He took Connor's hand and Connor held him tightly.

"I'm glad I came with you this weekend," Connor whispered.

"Me too. Tell me when you're ready to go to bed, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed. "You tell me too."

"I will," Jude promised.

Jude made it through two more episodes before he started thinking that he should really make an effort to head upstairs to bed. But Connor was warm and he was comfortable; the last thing on Earth he wanted to do was move. _One more episode,_ he decided, and then he was asleep before the title sequence on that episode had even begun.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Turning Page**_ **by Sleeping At Last. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	35. Borrow My Heart

Jude had a headache. He hated being hungover but, somehow, while he was drinking, he never ended up thinking about how he would feel come morning. He always ended up here: cranky, dehydrated, and with a headache that would cripple anyone. And he always woke up feeling hot when he was drunk. He shifted and dragged the blanket up over his head, trying to curl into a ball. But his knee hit something and Jude realized that he wasn't in bed. He remembered all of last night, though it took a moment for everything to completely stumble through his mind. He tilted his head and squinted upward. Connor was anxiously staring back at him.

"Are you okay?" Connor whispered. "Are you going to be sick?"

"No. I don't think I'm gonna be sick." He touched Connor's chest. "You're here?"

"Last night, you asked me not to leave you." Before Jude could let out another word of protest, Connor spoke again. "And I didn't mean to fall asleep next to you, Jude."

Jude closed his eyes. He should get up. He should be respectful of Connor's need for personal space, but he didn't want to move. He clenched his hand in Connor's t-shirt and stared at him, even though the morning light made his head spin and he wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and feel like death for the next thousand years. "I'm sorry you did."

"I don't think I am," Connor said.

"Huh?"

"I don't think I am … It was an accident, because I don't think I'd be able to do it by myself after last time. But I slept last night, no nightmares or anything. I never really thought I'd be able to do that. But I did. With you. I think I've been underestimated how much you affect me. I think I want to. You're scary, Jude."

"Sorry," Jude murmured.

"But I don't think I am." Connor kissed Jude's forehead and Jude wanted to snuggle deeper and deeper into Connor's arms, but Connor asked, "Do you need something for your head?"

"Water. Maybe advil."

"I know a hangover remedy. Trust me."

"I do trust you," Jude said.

His stomach rolled queasily as Connor climbed off the couch. His body didn't even feel settled once he was gone and able to lay completely still. There was sunlight streaming through the house and he was _not_ looking forward to when Moms woke up. They knew him; they knew that he wasn't a heavy drinker. It meant that they weren't going to be overly worried about his current state, which, in turn, meant that he was going to be the butt of teasing. He pulled the blanket up over his face and though the darkness felt a lot better, the movement made him feel dizzy.

"Here, Jude. Drink this."

"What is it?"

"It's designed to rehydrate you. Other than that … trust me?"

Jude pushed the blanket off his face and slowly sat up. The glass in Connor's hand was dark in colour.

"Don't sniff," Connor warned.

"Where'd you learn to make this?"

"He was angry when he was hungover. So I figured out how to make it go away."

Jude should have known. He took the glass from Connor's hand. It was only about two mouthfuls and he took a deep breath before drinking it all as quickly as possible. His mouth went fizzy, as if he had held soda in his mouth for too long and it had started to bubble against his skin. The tingling feeling continued down his throat and Jude took a few deep breaths, trying to clear out the feeling before it started to get constricting.

"Are you okay?"

"I expected that to taste worse."

"I wouldn't do that to you."

"Did you do that to him?" Jude asked.

Connor looked horrified. "No! I couldn't … couldn't hurt him." He hugged himself. "That's really awful, isn't it?"

"No, baby, no. It speaks to how amazing you are." Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "Are you at your limit or will you cuddle with me again?"

"We can cuddle," Connor said. "I … really like cuddling with you."

They settled back against the couch and, Jude had to admit, he was feeling slightly better after Connor's drink. The words _placebo effect_ drifted across his brain but, hey, if it helped his nausea, then he was all for the placebo effect. He turned his face against Connor's chest.

"Let's just nap here forever."

"I don't think Stef and Lena would appreciate that."

Jude slung his arm around Connor's waist. "Let's find out."

Connor looped both arms around Jude's waist and held him close. "Goodnight, Jude."

"Night, baby," he murmured.

It was almost easier for Jude to fall asleep the second time around.

(-.-)

Connor woke slowly, though he wasn't sure that he had ever truly gone to sleep. He knew that he'd been resting, but, even then, he had been completely aware of the weight of Jude sleeping in his arms. Connor hadn't been able to let go of that and relax completely. It had been different last night. He had been tired and drained and sleep had just _taken_ him. He hadn't been intending to nod off next to Jude. Even now, though, knowing that Jude was there, Connor was able to calm down more than he ever thought that he would be able to. He closed his eyes and trusted Jude not to hurt him, but he trusted Jude almost entirely on that now.

And there hadn't been nightmares at all; that was what caught Connor off-guard the most. His mind was quiet, and though Connor's ex was on his mind, he didn't feel unsettled as he usually did. He wasn't scared; he didn't feel that at all. Jude shifted slightly in his arms and Connor looked down at Jude's face. Long lashes, sweep of brown hair, and cheekbones that were only slightly defined. Connor never imagined that this was the face that he would wake up to one day or the face that he would look forward to seeing, out of all of the other faces that he had ever laid his eyes on.

Connor was lucky. Connor knew that he was lucky in more ways than one. He was lucky for the way that his father had stepped up in the aftermath of his break-up. He was lucky to still have his life. He was lucky for Jude. He knew that he was more than lucky to have met a man like Jude; a man that not just tolerated his past and his quirks, but worked to understand them. Who helped Connor understand himself.

Jude was fast asleep, snoring softly, and didn't move even as Connor cuddled him closer. Connor was about to let his eyes close for the final time when he heard footsteps. Trying his best to not bother Jude, Connor propped himself up a little to peek over the back of the couch and there was Lena, her curls tied back and wearing loose lavender pyjamas.

"Long night?" she whispered.

Connor nodded, fear gripping his throat. What would she say about the two of them curled up on the couch like this? Surely it couldn't be anything good. She had no reason to believe that he and Jude had slept peacefully on the couch together, nothing else. Lena didn't _look_ angry, though, and Connor's eyes inspected her face, looking for any of the signs. Her lips stayed pleasant and her eyes stayed soft. She wasn't mad at finding the two of them this way; nothing indicated that at all. Connor, though, was reluctant to believe it.

"Was it bad?"

"No," Connor answered. "He might be dizzy for a while."

"I'm just going to get coffee started for Stef and myself. Would you like anything?"

"No, thank you."

"Okay. You'll probably have another hour or so before we get our morning started."

"Thanks," Connor whispered.

He turned back into Jude, listening carefully as she buzzed around the kitchen. He could smell the coffee and heard the clinking of cups and then she ascended the stairs again. Connor bent his head to take a deep breath and it was then that he felt Jude very deliberately press a kiss to Connor's cheek.

"You're awake again."

"Yeah," Jude replied. "I was waiting for my mom to leave."

Connor let out a nervous chuckle. "Why?"

"Wasn't ready to be _that_ awake."

Connor laughed again, less nervously this time. He kissed Jude's forehead and Jude made a happy sort of humming noise for the briefest moment and that small sound filled Connor with joy. Because Jude was completely happy and that made Connor feel better than anything else could have. Jude was happy and that made Connor happy.

(-.-)

Jude was planning on leaving and heading home at three. They were mostly ready to go and just finishing up a small lunch when Taylor knocked on Stef's and Lena's front door. Jude answered it and she looked like she had just woken up. Her hair was tied back in a messy ponytail and she was in a sweatshirt that she definitely hadn't had on at the bar last night and that definitely didn't look as if it fit her.

"And how are you?" Jude asked, leaning against the door.

"I'm dead. But the sex was good."

"Don't tell me you slept with Dylan."

"Ew. Number one, the boy is _really, really, really_ gay. Number two, you kissed him first and so even if he was bi, he'd be one hundred percent, off limits." Taylor gestured him out onto the porch and shut the door behind him. "So. Sober thoughts after drunk words?"

"I love him, Taylor. I know I do. I just … can't say anything. Not now." Jude leant against the side of the house and exhaled. "I don't know what to do. I hate the feeling that I can't tell him anything because I tell him things like that. Even when I know it'll scare him. Like when I told him I liked him. Well, you were there for that."

Taylor squinted at the sun and dragged her hood over her head. "I think we both know how much you think he's worth it."

"I know he's worth it."

Taylor crossed her arms over her chest.

"So what do I do?"

Taylor stared at him and stuck her hands in her pockets, which unnerved Jude. Even if Taylor didn't always give the advice or offer solutions that Jude agreed with, she always had some sort of opinion. The fact that she was avoiding his eyes and scuffing her feet along the deck bothered him.

"Taylor?" he prompted.

She let out a long breath. "I don't know. I'll think about it when I'm not hungover and no longer smell like vanilla body glitter and Axe, okay?"

"Okay. I'll call you tomorrow when I get off work." Jude nodded, and then Taylor punched his shoulder. "What!?"

"Smile! It's a good thing to fall in love."

"Says you," Jude muttered.

"Says me?! Says you usually! Don't be so sad, Jude. It'll work out."

"Thanks, Taylor."

"And if it crashes and burns then you come and stay with me for a week and we go to a frat party every night."

In an exaggerated deadpan, Jude repeated, "Thanks, Taylor."

"Okay. I gotta go home. I'll talk to you later. Happy birthday, Jude."

Jude hugged her goodbye and went back inside. Connor was still seated at the island, quietly telling Lena about his entrepreneur project. Connor would likely never admit it aloud, but Jude got the impression that he was more comfortable in Lena's presence than with Stef's. It made sense to Jude why Connor would favour Lena, though he knew that Connor didn't dislike Stef.

"Hey, ready to go?" Jude asked.

Connor stopped mid-sentence to turn and look at him. "Yeah, if you are."

"Who was at the door?" Lena asked.

"Taylor. She just wanted to see me before we drove back."

"She didn't want to come in? I haven't seen her in a while."

"I don't think Taylor's in any shape to see anyone right now," Jude said, pretending to tip back a bottle.

Lena nodded in understanding. "Christmas, though. Make sure we see her at Christmas."

"Absolutely." Jude stepped backward and called upstairs, "Mom! Connor and I are going home now."

"One second!" Stef shouted back.

Connor slid from his seat to go and put his shoes on. As he passed by Jude, he touched his arm. "Is Taylor okay?"

"Absolutely. She … ended up in some shenanigans last night."

"Oh?"

"I don't know details, but she had fun last night," Jude said. "Sure you're ready to go?"

Connor nodded. "Oh, um, I don't want to be … annoying but w-w-when I made … dinner for you, I l-l-left something."

"Then we can stop and get it. Don't worry so much, baby."

"Thanks, Jude."

Jude and Connor had time to put their overnight bags in the car by the time that Stef had come downstairs from whatever she had been doing. She and Lena hugged them goodbye outside.

"Let us know that you get home safe," Stef said sternly.

"I always do, Mom."

"It doesn't hurt to remind you," Lena said. "Thanks for spending the weekend with us, Connor. We love having you around."

"Thank you," Connor whispered.

Jude watched as Connor hugged Lena goodbye and then shook Stef's hand, as was his habit. He held Connor's door open for him when they were ready to say goodbye and Connor slipped in, saying thank you as he went. Jude closed the door carefully, because his mothers had somehow managed to raise a gentleman.

"I guess we'll see you at Christmas," Stef said.

"Yeah. Unless I come home for a night, but it's not that far away."

"Good luck with exams," Lena said.

"Thanks! I'll see you guys later!"

"Bye, Jude."

Stef and Lena went to stand on the porch as Jude got in his car and started it up. He backed out of the driveway and Connor plugged his phone into the car to play something.

"You've been kind of quiet today."

"I haven't had much to say. I haven't been around people for that long in … years. But, you know what?"

"What?"

"I'd do it again. I had more fun than I expected to have. I like your family. Jesus is … loud and Brandon just … doesn't seem to care but Mariana is really nice. And Callie is … terrifying."

Jude laughed. "You're still scared of her?"

"Yes. But not in the same way," Connor said seriously. "But I think I like I her, Jude."

"I'm really glad. Hey, baby, where did you end up putting the candy jars?"

Connor reached down and grabbed his backpack from between his feet and pulled both jars out. He popped the tops off and wedged them into the two cup holders.

"Thanks!"

"You have a sweet tooth, Jude."

"It's a good thing that I have an indulgent boyfriend that really likes me."

"If you think it's a good thing, then I have to agree with you," Connor said.

Jude gripped the steering wheel tightly and then reached over to hold Connor's hand. Connor held him back and picked out a slow song to listen to as they drove. Jude stayed silent, knowing that Connor would want his peace after such a weekend and he was sure that Connor was looking forward to getting back to his dorm room. That just made Jude wonder what was so important at his apartment that Connor had left behind. Jude's apartment was small; he had known anything extra or anything out of place since the last time Connor had been there. The drive didn't seem that long, though by the end of it, Connor was doing nothing but staring out the window and Jude's legs were feeling stiff. He was happy to open his door and get out to stretch. He just turned to face Connor when he heard the jingle of a phone. Jude reached for his, but Connor was already talking on his own.

"Hi, Dad … Um, no. Not home yet."

Jude took his bag out of the backseat and then gestured down the hill. Connor nodded and Jude led the way down to the front door.

"I just forgot something at Jude's. I'm going home right after … Yeah. I'll text you."

Jude unlocked the door and let Connor in first. Connor stopped at the end of Jude's bed and turned to face to him, though he still had his phone pressed to his ear. Jude quickly sent a text to his

"No. It was a good weekend, Dad … But, um, I'm tired. C-c-could I just, um, call you tomorrow? … Yeah. Th-thanks … You too. Bye." Connor hung up and exhaled heavily.

"Are you okay, babe?"

"No offense, but I … want to be home."

"And we'll go as soon as we grab whatever it is you need."

"Well, it's not exactly mine." Connor looked down. "Can I leave my shoes on?"

"Sure. I don't care." Jude followed Connor into the kitchen. "So, if it's not yours, what is it?"

"I got you a birthday present," Connor admitted. "But with Callie here, I forgot to give it to you."

"Aww, you got me something?"

Connor nodded and opened the cupboard under the sink. "I know I wasn't supposed to, but it's just a little thing. I hope nothing happened to it."

"Is it alive?" Jude joked, but Connor didn't laugh back with him. "Connor?"

Connor stood up and turned around. In his hands was a small cactus, though Jude almost could have said two. In the little brown pot there were two small green lumps, so close together that they were _almost_ morphing into the same plant, but not quite. Jude reached for the small pot, but Connor held it back for a moment.

"I, um, sort of named it. I know you liked them named … Maybe I should have let you name it."

"No, it's awesome! I've named one of yours. What'd you call him?"

"It looked more like a 'them' to me. So …" Connor spun the pot around and Jude could see he'd carefully printed the names 'Stef' and 'Lena' on the back. "I thought it was an appropriate start to your cactus family."

Connor surrendered the two little cactuses over to Jude and Jude held them up to eye-level. They weren't quiet as spiky as some that Jude knew Connor owned, but he loved them. He promptly turned around and put them on the windowsill of his tiny window so that they could catch as much sun as possible.

"I think they look perfect up there. What do you think?"

Jude didn't turn around as he heard Connor creep up behind him and then delicately take Jude's hand. "I like it. Do you like it?"

"Yes. Thank you." Jude kissed his temple. "Let's get you home, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed.

It was the best thing.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Borrow My Heart**_ **by Taylor Henderson. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	36. The Safest Place

**TRIGGER WARNING: for M-Rated, non-consensual content. If you do not wish to read this section, skip the large portion of italics.**

 **Taylor: did you say it?**

 **Jude: no.**

 **Taylor: why not?**

 **Jude: it's been less than a week since I realized! I don't feel comfy telling him.**

 **Jude: he'll run away, Taylor. Things moved fast with his ex.**

 **Taylor: I thought you didn't like lying to him**

 **Jude: I don't**

 **Taylor: I vote tell him**

 **Jude: and I vote you talk to me again when you can be helpful!**

Jude took a deep breath as Connor's hand softly touched his face. He relaxed into Connor's caress.

"You look angry," Connor observed.

"Not angry. Just a little frustrated. Taylor is being pushy about things that she shouldn't be pushy about."

Connor bit his lip and then fiddled with the side of his seatbelt. "Any … anything I can help with?"

"No, baby. It's … about you, honestly."

"Oh!"

"No, not bad, Connor. Don't look so sad. Taylor just throws herself into relationships and so she thinks that we should be at a different place than we are."

"Sex," Connor said flatly.

"And love," Jude replied.

"I don't think we should be near either of those," Connor said. "Does Taylor only say that because that's what she likes in a relationship?"

Jude nodded, thinking that the white lie wasn't really that much of a stretch. Taylor was all over the place in what she wanted in a relationship. Oftentimes, she only realized what she wanted from the other person after she'd met them. But Taylor would like to see new developments in Jude's and Connor's relationship. It was comparable, if Jude twisted his logic a little.

"Do you think like Taylor does?"

"No. I'm happy with how we are. I promise."

"I believe you." Connor smiled and Jude actually felt _guilty_ about it. "Did you find somewhere that you want to go to dinner?"

"I'm feeling pizza if you're feeling pizza."

Connor sat back.

"What?" Jude asked. "You're pouting."

"I'm not!" Connor protested, although Jude definitely thought he was pouting. "I just thought … we were going to go out somewhere. I mean … it's okay to stay inside. But I don't like it all the time."

"Well, there's an authentic Italian pizza place that we can go to. And it's close to the ice-cream place we like so we can walk down after if you're not full."

"I shouldn't have doubted you."

"Eh, you can kiss me and make it up to me."

Connor immediately reached across the console for a kiss, pulling Jude to him. For a moment, Jude was guilty all over again. He thought that Connor might have only been kissing him since Jude had inadvertently ordered it, but Connor didn't kiss him like it was a chore. Connor kissed him so that Jude's heart and blood were racing while his head spun. Connor smiled as they kissed and Jude's heart leapt.

"We should go. It's Friday night and it'll probably be busy."

"Yeah," Connor agreed.

"Is everything okay, baby?" Jude asked as they started to drive.

"I'm starting to get nervous."

"About exams?" Jude guessed.

"About spending Christmas with my dad."

"Oh. That's a really big deal, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Jude glanced over and saw Connor pull his legs onto the car seat with him. "Last Christmas, I was unconscious for most of it. Well, not _unconscious_. Bleeding in and out with my medication schedule. So even though it was technically Dad and I last Christmas, I wasn't aware of it. And it didn't feel like Christmas. We didn't do anything. Then, I got out of the hospital and we were just adjusting to living so we didn't do anything holiday related. And now we're going to New York. Nothing's going to be familiar! And I'm going to have to fly there. Crowded airports and crowded planes and … I think I'm stupid for agreeing to go."

"You're not stupid!" At the edge of campus, there was a group of people, already plastered, who were racing across the road in the middle of a green light. Jude slammed on the brakes and Connor let out a squawk of terror. "Sorry, baby."

"And I thought I was okay driving with you." Connor groaned and hid his face in his hands. "I can't do this trip, Jude!"

Jude slowly started driving again. "Don't underestimate yourself, baby. You are way stronger than you think. Don't focus on how scary it might be, think of all the good things. You and your dad deserve to get to know each other better and I know he's going to look out for you."

Connor let out an unsteady breath. "He … he understands me better now."

"Right. And I think he cares about you. I mean, it sounds like he better understands how to care about you now."

"I think that's true. I won't know anyone or anything."

"That's the point of somewhere new," Jude said.

"Yeah," Connor said, letting the word drag.

"This trip is about your mom, right?" Jude glanced over to catch the small smile on his boyfriend's face.

"New York was my mom's favourite place. If it weren't for my dad I know she would have moved there permanently. But the last time she went I was five. She went with her best friend. Dad stayed with me. Just for the weekend." Connor sighed. "It was probably my fault that she never got to go back."

Jude backed into a parking spot and turned the car off. "That wasn't your fault."

"If she didn't have me –"

"Baby, I'm sorry for interrupting you, but … listen, okay? I will never meet your mom and I haven't met your dad yet, but I guarantee if you asked him, he would tell you that your mom wanted you. And because she chose to have you that means that she put you above everything. I know I'll never know your mom, Connor, but I do know that she loved you."

Connor had a frown, his two eyebrows dipping close together over his nose. He unbuckled his seatbelt and then tapped his knuckles against his knees. "Let's go in and eat, okay? We can just … complain about exams and be normal."

Connor got out of the car and Jude waited until Connor was completely out of the car before letting out his sigh. He didn't know how to help Connor with something like this. He had no idea what would make it better. He didn't think he had the words and, Jude had to admit, he didn't really have the background. He didn't know what exactly what had happened on Connor's last Christmas; he didn't know the full extent of Connor's relationship with his father; and he didn't know the full extent of Connor's relationship with his mother. Jude knew Connor loved his mother, although he spoke of her a lot less than he spoke of his father. Jude could understand wanting to keep the memories of a dead parent sacred, but it meant that he was more at a loss on what to say. He didn't want to step out of line and say something completely inaccurate or something that would offend Connor. Families were weird and there didn't seem to be a part of Connor's past that was truly easy for him to talk about. People got hurt; it was a fact of life. Jude just didn't think it was fair that Connor had been dealt this hand in life.

Jude got out of the car, knowing that Connor would get uneasy if he lingered inside too long and he would take it personally.

"Everything okay?" Connor asked as soon as Jude was standing on the pavement.

And there it was.

Jude put his hand on the small of Connor's back to keep him close and so that he could start steering his boyfriend into the restaurant. "Remember when I told you that there would be days when I wouldn't deal with your past as well?"

"Yeah," Connor whimpered.

"I think today is one of those days. Not because it's too much for me, baby, but just because I don't know what to say."

Connor crossed his hands in front of him and held on tightly to himself. "I'm sorry, Jude."

They stepped inside the restaurant, which was an authentic-style Italian restaurant. It was bustling and on the loud side. The hostess found them a table for two that was hidden off to the side. It was a bit dimmer, but it was also quieter, and Jude figured that was the important part. Connor opened his menu and was scanning it with a concentration that seemed over-the-top. Jude didn't know if he should reach over and try to take Connor's hand over the table or affectionately try and toy with his foot under the table. Connor might not want to be touched and there were no obvious signs for when he was feeling that way.

"Are you upset?"

Connor shook his head. "I don't have any reason to be."

"You're allowed to be. For me not understanding you perfectly. For what happened to make you feel this way about travelling. Sometimes people are just upset."

Connor didn't look up at Jude. "W-w-what kind of pizza do you want?"

Jude rubbed his hand across his face. Okay, fine. If that was how Connor wanted to deal with things tonight, that was how they were going to deal with things. He flipped open his menu. "Do you want to share something?"

Jude could feel Connor's gaze on his face; he knew that Connor would notice his change in tone. But if Connor didn't feel like talking about it, then Jude didn't feel like talking about it either.

"I'd like for you to pick," Connor whispered. "I trust you."

Jude ordered a Neapolitan pizza when the waitress came back. She took their menus and that made Connor look up at him. Jude could tell by Connor's face that he had nothing to say. Or, at least, nothing that he wanted to say. Jude put his elbow on the table and leant on his hand. He didn't have anything to say either. He knew, though, that Connor was going to take the first step, and he forced himself to.

"What exam are you the most worried about?"

"Oh. Prob … probably the Entrepreneur evaluation. That's last day of classes. What about you?"

"Health psych. There's a lot to remember."

Connor nodded and toyed with his fork. Jude just wanted to duck his head and sigh, but he held himself back. He knew how Connor would overreact and Jude didn't want to go there. Not tonight. Jude was grateful when the pizza came, because it provided something to do. Jude tried talking about studying for Kroeger's class together and Connor listened as aptly as he normally did, but he didn't respond. Jude wondered if that soft, at-attention expression was the one that Connor's ex usually saw. Jude certainly wasn't used to seeing it. By the time Jude was halfway through his second piece of pizza, he completely gave up on conversation. Connor continued to pick at his first piece, and he wasn't finished it by the end of the first hour they were there.

"I'm sorry, Jude," Connor said. "I'm just not feeling very hungry."

"How about I take you home, okay?"

"Okay."

Jude got the remainder of their pizza boxed up, and he paid.

"You don't have to," Connor protested.

"It's okay, baby. You paid last time." Jude put his hand against the small of Connor's back again as they walked out to the car. "Do you want to take it home?"

"You paid for it."

"Yeah, but you didn't eat very much."

"It's okay, Jude. Thank you for offering."

Stiff and formal. Closed off and quiet. He was reminiscent of the Connor that Jude had first sat next to in class. Jude didn't know what to say or do, so he opened Connor's car door and asked him to hold the pizza for now. Connor agreed, because that was what Connor did. Jude carefully shut the car door and started up the car to go back to Connor's dorms. Jude didn't really want to take Connor back to his room; they'd planned on spending time together after dinner. But he knew that it was only going to frustrate them both to push and he parked in the nano parking lot.

"Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed. He put his hand on the door handle and then he quickly leant across the console to kiss Jude's cheek. "I'm sorry about tonight."

"Don't worry about it. Really, baby, don't. Sometimes it's just how things are and maybe it'll be better in the morning.

"Maybe."

"And, Connor?"

"What?"

"Don't be afraid to call me if you need anything. If you want to talk, if you want me to come get you, if you just want to know that there's someone on the other end of the phone. I mean it, Connor. Call."

"Th-thank you," Connor murmured. "I … should just go inside now."

"Goodnight, Connor."

"Goodnight, Jude."

Connor got out of the car, putting the pizza carefully on the passenger seat and then shouldering his backpack. He headed inside of his dorm building and that was when Jude put Gerald in reverse. Even though he didn't really want to, Jude drove away.

(-.-)

Jude hated him.

As Connor climbed the stairs up to his dorm room, that was all that he could think of. Jude hated him. Connor wouldn't blame him. Connor had been horrible all night and he wasn't going to be able to stop being horrible any time soon. It was why he'd been hit. He'd deserved it. He didn't think that Jude would hit him, but he did think that Jude might get frustrated and leave him. When it happened, Connor promised himself that he wouldn't be upset about it. He promised himself that he would accept it. These few months of happiness with Jude meant more to Connor than any man could ever put into words, but he knew better than to think that he was allowed to be happy for too long.

Connor unlocked his dorm door and let himself inside. He locked the door behind him and checked the bathroom and checked that the window was locked. He folded his bed down and then tucked his backpack underneath of it. He let out a small sigh and then covered his mouth. A sigh was a sound of frustration. He wasn't frustrated. Not a bit. Connor gathered up pyjama pants and Jude's sweatshirt and went to take a shower. It was a quick shower; Connor discovered that even being under the warm water didn't make him feel any better and he stepped out, turning his back to the mirror and keep his gaze away from his scars as he dried himself off.

Jude hadn't cared about his scars. Jude had kissed them. Thinking of it now made Connor too sad and, even though it was early, he pulled on his pyjamas and climbed into bed. He put his back against the wall, drew the hood around his head, and yanked the comforter up around his neck, snuggling in tightly. If he was fully surrounded by blankets and cuddled in, it meant nothing bad could happen to him. At least, he tried to believe it. He _wanted_ to believe it. He knew it was a child's logic, designed to keep the monsters under the bed at bay, but if Connor could believe it, only a little bit, then it might help. He spent several long minutes staring at the ceiling, sleep finally came over him, but it was not quite the blessing that Connor had hoped it would be.

 _Connor couldn't help but smile as he ran his hands over the long sleeves of the new sweater. He turned to face his boyfriend._

 _"I like that colour green on you," his boyfriend said. "What do you think?"_

 _"I really love it," Connor answered. "Thank you, so much."_

 _"I wanted you to have something nice for dinner tonight." His boyfriend crooked his finger and Connor immediately stepped flush to his boyfriend in order to kiss him. "Say thank you properly, Connor."_

 _Connor nodded, slowly lowering himself to his knees. He was grateful for the black and white checked rug that his boyfriend's mother had gifted their bedroom last Christmas. He tried to concentrate the on the rug instead of what he was doing, because Connor knew what was going to come next and he knew that he hated that part. He unbuckled his boyfriend's belt and popped the button on his jeans, sliding the zipper down. He lowered his boyfriend's pants and underwear, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes at the same time._

 _He touched his slips slowly to the tip of his boyfriend's penis, thinking, hoping, that maybe this time they could be gentle and slow. Connor liked gentle and slow. Connor knew that he was spoilt by his boyfriend and his boyfriend deserved to be repaid for everything he did, and Connor knew that he could do everything his boyfriend wanted and it still wouldn't be enough; they still wouldn't be even. Connor opened his mouth, taking his boyfriend all the way in. He smelled nothing but the freshly-showered scent of his boyfriend and he could feel the tickle of pubic hair against his nose. Connor knew he had lingered a moment too long when he felt his boyfriend's hand against the back of his head, desperately gripping at the short strands for hair. His boyfriend managed to grab him enough to haul Connor's head back and Connor gasped, knowing that air had been turned into a precious commodity. He had only gotten half a breath when his boyfriend pulled him back down._

 _Tears filled Connor's eyes as he tried not to get sick, though his boyfriend was pushing his gag reflex and he could feel his stomach churn with bile. His hands flapped at his sides and Connor gripped onto the sleeves of his new sweater. His survival instinct was screaming at him to push his boyfriend away because he_ needed _air, but Connor knew better than that. He had tried, once, when their relationship was new, and it was a lesson that he would never forget. He kept his eyes closed, thinking about how it had to be over soon, since the repetition of breathing and gagging was happening so quickly. Tears were running hot down his face and he knew that his boyfriend had to notice, but, like every other time, his boyfriend never said a word. And Connor felt like he was drowning. Between the saliva that gathered thick in his mouth and pooled down his chin and the tears that seemed to be falling all over his face, Connor felt as if he were going to run out of air and drown._

 _He just wanted his boyfriend to finish. He wanted to be done._

 _His boyfriend pushed Connor's head away, but he wasn't done, and Connor knew it._

 _"Stand up."_

 _His boyfriend shouldn't have had to ask. Connor was on his feet in an instant, staring at his boyfriend's deep brown eyes. He saw his boyfriend look him over and Connor knew what was coming next, but he couldn't help but say, "We'll be late for dinner."_

 _"Who gives a fuck about dinner!?"_

 _Connor flinched before the blow, and it was twice as bad when it finally landed. His cheek was aching and he looked up at his boyfriend, affording him the chance to grab Connor tightly around the throat. Connor couldn't stop himself from grabbing at his boyfriend's forearm with both hands, knowing that he would never be strong enough to push him away, but Connor shouldn't want to push him away. He loved his boyfriend. What kind of monster pushed away the person that he loved the most; who loved him the most?_

 _Connor's back hit the mattress and his boyfriend leaned into his choking hold, making Connor feel like his throat was going to collapse. With a practiced hand, his boyfriend undid Connor's jeans and then he lifted his hand away from Connor's throat in order to pull off Connor's clothes._

 _"I'm sorry," Connor panted. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"_

 _His boyfriend ripped Connor's new sweater from him. "You're_ sorry?!"

 _"Yes!"_

 _His boyfriend grasped Connor's penis with a hand too tight to be comfortable by anyone's standards. A scream had started to build in Connor's throat the moment that he felt nails against his sensitive skin and it exploded out of him the moment that his boyfriend pulled his hand down._

 _"Please!" Connor begged. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! PLEASE!"_

 _"Do you see the things you make me do?" his boyfriend whispered, letting go of him. His voice was suddenly soft and sweet and he crawled up the bed so that he was lying tight to Connor. His boyfriend gently caressed Connor's face, clearing away his tears. "It's not my fault, Connor. I was just trying to love you and you threw it in my face. Why did you do that?"_

 _"I'm sorry," Connor said, knowing that it was all that he could say._

 _"That's not an explanation!"_

 _His boyfriend's hand clenched around Connor's throat again, stifling the scream that wanted to erupt from Connor as his boyfriend forced himself inside of Connor. He hated this part more than he hated oral sex, because this part always just hurt. His boyfriend's hand relaxed and Connor drew in a deep breath, trying to relax, trying to keep it from killing him from the inside out._

 _He whimpered with every sharp thrust, turning his face into the comforter, like reality would be different if he couldn't see it. Two thick fingers hooked in the side of his mouth and dragged his face upward._

 _"Le –" Connor started, but then his boyfriend's entire hand was inside of his mouth, and Connor was choking._

Connor bolted awake, tearing his hand away from his mouth. His fingers were covered in saliva and he realized he'd been choking himself. He stared around his dark room for a moment, trying to catch his breath, and then he realized it wouldn't work. He fumbled into his tiny bathroom and manage to hit the floor before throwing up into the toilet. His memories had been too vivid to be just a dream; they were so vivid that Connor was sure that he was going to turn around and his ex would be there. Or he was going to look in the mirror and see that all of his bruises had come back. He hid his face in his hands and just let himself sob.

He was never going to be free.

His ex was always going to be with him. He and everything that he had ever done to Connor was so deeply engrained that Connor knew that he was never going to be free. He was going to suffer forever. He didn't want to. But here he was. He stuck. He was trapped. He was always going to be trapped. Connor felt his tears roll thick and heavy into his mouth and it reminded him so much of crying in his dream that he ended up throwing up again. He flushed the toilet and bent forward as far as he could go, ducking his face under the collar of the hoodie and inhaling deeply. He could smell Jude's scent on the fabric, as if his boyfriend had just taken it off, and the smell calmed him. Connor pressed a hand to his unsteady heart, thinking that the scent of another man should be just as scary.

But it wasn't.

On his hands and knees, Connor crawled from his bathroom to where he left his phone. Hands shaking and eyes blinded with tears, he fumbled his way to Jude's number and he called. He didn't think about anything else other than the fact that he wanted to hear Jude's face.

"Hello," Jude answered. "Connor?"

"I-I-I-I-"

" _Shh,_ baby," Jude purred. "It's okay. Take a deep breath."

The air seared Connor's lungs and it came out in an awful blubbering mess.

"Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"Sorry for calling!" Connor wailed, his voice hitting an unnatural high.

"No, Connor, I'm glad you did. Are you safe?"

"Uh-huh," Connor managed, feeling as if he were going to choke on the snot coming out of his nose.

"Do you want me to come get you?"

Connor hiccoughed, trying to draw in enough air to get an answer out. "W-w-would … you?"

"Yes. Say yes, Connor, and I'll be over in twenty minutes. But make sure you only say yes if you want me to."

"Yes," Connor cried. "J-J-J-Jude, _want_ y-y-ou."

"Okay, I'm on my way. Do you want to stay on the phone with me or do you want me to just come get you?"

"Come," Connor whispered. "Just."

"I'll be right there."

Connor held his phone up to his ear after Jude had hung up. The screen started to heat his cheek and Connor finally let his phone fall to the floor. He hung his head between his knees and willed himself to stop _crying_. The sobs had died away and now the tears were just leaking down his face in a stream that he just couldn't control.

 _Do something, Connor. Do something. You can't just sit. Don't be lazy. Do something._

Connor took a deep breath and slowly began to move. He found his backpack and dragged it toward him, using his muscle memory to pack it with the few things that he'd need to go to Jude's. He didn't stand to turn the light on; he didn't trust his legs to hold him. Like he always did after a cry, he felt as if his entire body were made of jelly. He didn't know how he was going to make it down the stairs to Jude, but he thought that knowing Jude was waiting for him might drive him down there.

Because Connor wanted Jude with a ferocity that scared him. And it was also tearing him apart. Because he could feel the burn of his ex-boyfriend's touch as if it had just occurred and he felt the want for Jude like he never should. He wasn't supposed to care about anyone but his ex. There was a part of Connor that believed that so strongly that it made him feel sick all over again, but he wanted Jude. He cared about Jude. He knew that he could never care about Jude the way that he did for his ex, but sometimes he didn't think that was such a bad thing. Now was not one of those times. Now, he was wondering why he hadn't fought for his ex and had allowed himself to settle for the first man that showed interest in him in order to fill the void that his ex had left behind. He should have fought for his ex. He should have fought for their life together and the love that they'd had. He shouldn't have let it go so easily. He shouldn't have allowed anyone else to convince him to leave it behind.

He jumped so badly he hit his head off his bathroom doorknob when his phone lit up. He was scared to look at it, but he was scared of everything. There was nothing scary about his phone, though. He had no reason to be paranoid. Jude was just here.

Connor drew the hood strings tightly around his face. He didn't want anyone to see him. He pulled on his sneakers, his fingers trembling to the point where he tucked his laces into his shoes instead of trying to tie them. He shouldered his backpack, gripped his keys tightly, and then he made himself stand. He felt like a sailor who had just hit land after a long maiden voyage. He made it to his door and then gripped the handle. He couldn't leave his room; he just couldn't. But Jude was in the parking lot and Connor couldn't let him wait. Connor was the reason he was here.

He made it into the empty hallway. Connor hoped it was either early enough that a lot of students were still out partying or late enough that they were securely in their rooms. When he was on the stairs by the third floor, he heard voices, and he had to hurry. He was sure he was going to fall, since he'd almost been taking the stairs one at time. He didn't want to get hurt. He didn't want to feel pain. He had enough of pain, though he knew that wasn't fair of him to say and that it was whiny and selfish. Everyone had to feel pain. Connor just wanted to be done with his portion. He made it out the front door and there was Gerald, parked at the curb where cars weren't technically supposed to be. Jude was standing at the hood and Connor felt a flash of nervousness. Jude never got out of the car.

"Connor, are you okay?"

Jude was standing there because he cared. Jude had driven over here in the dark, after he and Connor had parted so uncomfortably, because Jude cared about him. Jude offered his hand and, though Connor couldn't see Jude's expression very well in the dim light they were standing in, he knew that Jude would be looking at him with sweetness because that was how Jude looked at him and Connor had to try and remember that. Connor rested his hand in Jude's. Jude's fingers were soft and thin and Jude touched him so gently that it made Connor _want_ to break. He leant toward Jude and Jude caught him, just like Connor knew he would. Jude's arms were lightly around his mid-back and his waist and Connor tucked his head against Jude's shoulder and he just kept crying. He held Jude tighter than he should.

"It's okay," Jude whispered in his ear. "It's okay. I've got you, baby. You're safe here."

Connor knew that. And he knew that he should always remember it, but sometimes it was so hard too, and he was so glad that Jude was always going to be there to remind him. Because that's how Jude was. Jude's was light itself.

"I wanna go," Connor sniffed, trying to breathe through his hiccoughs.

"Go? Sure. We can go. Wherever you want, baby."

" _Jude_ ," he whined.

Jude squeezed him. "Tell me if this sounds good to you, okay?"

Connor nodded against Jude's shoulder.

"We'll get in the car, it's all nice and warm and I put another sweater in the back if you want it, and then we'll go and get coffee or hot chocolate or something equally warm because hot drinks make you feel better, and then I'll bring you home here or you can come home with me. Whatever you want."

"Yeah," Connor sniffed. "W-w-want."

Jude kissed his temple. "It does mean you have to let go of me though."

Connor didn't particularly want to let go. He just wanted to hold on tight and stand until he could breathe again. But he didn't want to be found standing here with Jude. He didn't want anyone to see him crying into Jude. He loosened his arms, and Jude carefully guided him to the passenger's seat. It was an action that could have been viewed as condescending, but Connor was just glad that Jude was willing to do that much for him. Jude shut the door carefully behind Connor, and Connor buckled his seatbelt. He counted how many times it took him to get his buckle into the holder and the answer was eleven. It took him eleven attempts to do something that he could usually do without thought, because his hands were shaking so badly. Because, after all this time free, his ex could still be planted so firmly in his head that Connor could do nothing but curl into a ball and wait for it to pass. If it ever passed. If it would ever truly pass.

He pulled his feet onto the seat and put his arms around his shins, holding onto himself tightly. He rubbed his face against the softness of his pyjamas, trying to clear his tears away. He took deep breaths, trying to get himself to a place where he could talk to Jude. He liked talking to Jude. He thought Jude liked talking to him most of the time. But Jude hadn't liked talking to him early tonight; Connor knew that for sure. The thought just hurt him more, because Jude was still here. Jude had still picked up when he called and had still come to get him.

Jude backed out of the parking spot. "I know a twenty-four hour coffee place. It's not the best but, hey, it's coffee that I didn't have to make. Or do you want a hot chocolate? It's actually better there than the coffee is."

"I'm sorry, Jude," Connor whispered.

"For what? You didn't wake me up, if that's what you're worried about."

"For dinner."

Jude signalled into a tiny parking lot and parked right in front of the building. He turned in his seat. "Coffee or hot chocolate? Or mocha? Best of both worlds."

"Um." Connor stared. That wasn't what he thought that Jude was going to say. Especially in not a friendly, casual tone like the one that he was using. "I … don't … what do I … want … I …"

"Maybe caffeine isn't a good idea," Jude murmured. "Can you agree with that?"

Connor nodded.

"I'll be back in five minutes, okay?"

Connor nodded again, though he couldn't help but whimper when Jude shut the driver's side door behind him. He tucked his head between his knees, trying to force himself to take deep breaths. He wanted to be different, as he always did. Right now, in this moment, he wanted to be able to be calm. He wanted to be able to be in this moment and not years in the past. He wasn't sixteen anymore. He wasn't a scared little boy. He was an adult – whatever that was worth. He was supposed to be in control in his own life. At the very least, he was supposed to be able to keep himself in reality. But he had to admit that was never one of his strong suits.

Jude opened the car door and Connor glanced at the clock on Gerald's dashboard. It read 12:18. Four minutes. Jude had only been gone four minutes. Given what could happen in four minutes, Connor thought he was doing well. But by any other standard, Connor knew he was a wreck, and that bothered him too. Why couldn't he be normal? Why couldn't he keep it together?

"Medium hot chocolate for you."

Jude passed over the cup and Connor wrapped both hands around it, even though he didn't really need to. It was something else to ground him in the here and now. The heat from the hot chocolate was nearly painful against his skin, but Connor didn't reach for a cup collar. He liked the feeling.

"I got them to put whipped cream on it for you," Jude added.

"Thank you," Connor whispered, though his throat was clogged up because there was this voice in the back of his head that kept thinking that he should do something to repay Jude with and the only way he knew how to do that was sex but that wasn't what Jude wanted. Jude just wanted to be nice to him; Jude just wanted Connor to be nice to him back. Jude didn't give things with strings attached. Sometimes, Connor thought that he _should_. Because then, at least, Connor would know how to return the favour.

"Do you need anything else?"

Connor shook his head.

"Where do you want to go? My apartment or back to your dorm?"

"With you," Connor whispered immediately. "If … if that's … that's okay. I was so m-m-m-mean b-b-before. With … su-su-supper."

"Baby, it's okay. It wasn't the best night, but you weren't mean. It's just one of those things that we're going to have to work through. But not tonight. Not right now. You need me right now and, I promise, I'm not mad at you."

Connor didn't trust that at all. Jude might not be angry now but if it was easier to get angry later and do so. Anger waited until it was the best time to be revealed. He didn't like being suspicious, but he didn't know how he could survive by trusting. That wasn't how things went for him.

"I promise," Jude said, "I'm not mad. We're okay. And I want you to come with me, but only if you want to."

Connor nodded carefully.

"You're okay," Jude reminded him. "You're safe here."

Connor wished. Connor wished that there was a place he felt safe. That's all he really wanted. A place where he never doubted that he was safe. He played with the plastic lid on his hot chocolate on the drive to Jude's, even though he didn't take a drink, which he felt guilty about. Jude had bought it for him. He should drink it. But there was a lump in his throat that was nearly impossible to breathe around, let alone take a drink with. Connor just tried to focus on getting to a place where he didn't feel like he was going to lose it every time he took a breath. He wanted to be mostly okay when Jude pulled into his driveway, but he didn't really feel that way.

He held his hot chocolate tightly when he walked down the hill to Jude's. Jude was right next to him, but Jude didn't make any move to touch him. Connor liked that Jude was giving him his space, but it also made him paranoid. He knew Jude liked to touch him. Sometimes, he liked Jude touching him. He couldn't tell if Jude just didn't want to touch him or if Jude was respecting him. If Jude liked him still, Jude would reach for him. Wouldn't he? Or was Connor just overthinking it?

Connor didn't know anymore. There was no real truth. There was just him and him being wrong. He lingered in the doorway of Jude's apartment, only taking his shoes off after Jude did so.

"You don't have to be so awkward, baby. You know you're allowed to be here. You're allowed to be comfortable here."

Connor wasn't allowed anything. It was like entitlement. He shouldn't be entitled. He wasn't worth enough to be entitled.

"Let's go sit on the couch," Jude said, "and finish our drinks."

Connor nodded. He could do that. That seemed nice. Jude led the way over to the couch and they sat on their usual sides. Connor pulled his legs onto the couch, holding his cooling hot chocolate in his hands. Jude put his on the coffee table in order to take the plaid blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over Connor's legs. That put Connor right back to the edge and he bowed his head, trying to hide the tears.

"Oh, Connor," Jude sighed. "I don't know how to help you."

Connor opened the top of his hot chocolate cup, pulling his knees up higher so that he could hide his trembling hands. He wanted to be stronger than tears and shaky limbs and calling Jude in the middle of the night. He should be able to take care of himself. He shouldn't be such a burden to everyone who so much as looked at him. He lifted the cup to his lips and took a tiny sip. It was all he thought he could manage; he couldn't stand the thought of possibly choking on something. Not now. The hot chocolate wasn't cool enough yet to be completely comfortable and it scalded his throat and tongue. He took a breath, letting the air just wash through his mouth. He could focus on that.

"Connor?" Jude prompted.

"I'm sorry," Connor said.

"For what? You don't need to be sorry."

"I … Um. I …" Connor sniffed, feeling tears beginning to build again. He stared down at his cup, as if not looking at Jude would make things easier. As if anything could make things easier. "I had a bad dream."

Like he was a child. Like he was incapable of dealing with something as small as a _bad dream_ on his own. Bad dreams happened to everyone. He shouldn't be like this. Bad dreams were everywhere. No one else did this.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't why to," Jude reminded him gently. "If you need me to listen, I absolutely will. But if this is something you don't want to say, then you don't have to. I just want you to be comfortable here, Connor, and I don't know how to do that."

Connor hesitantly took another sip of his hot chocolate. "I … w-w-want … want to trust y-y-you."

Jude rested against the back of the couch, casually taking a gulp from his cup. Connor envied the simple confidence that Jude could move with. "I don't think you not being able to voice certain experiences mean that you don't trust me, baby. There are some things that a person just can't put into words, no matter who they trust or how much."

"I want you to be right," Connor murmured. "But I don't know. I don't know anything."

"I know that's not true," Jude said. "Come on, try telling me something that you know. Anything at all."

Connor thought for a moment. Something he knew. Something he could be sure of. "There are eight point four-zero-six million people living in New York City."

"I didn't think it was that many," Jude said.

Connor swallowed. "Almost forty-one thousand women will die from breast cancer this year, while about four hundred and fifty men will die from breast cancer."

"You never hear about men dying from breast cancer."

Jude sounded sad and Connor wanted to avoid that. Something happy. What was a happy fact? "Otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't float away from one another."

"I've always thought that fact was cute," Jude said. "Although I do think otters are cute, so maybe that has something to do with it too."

Oh. Jude knew that one.

"A group of pugs is called a grumble," Connor said. Could Jude know that one? He hoped not.

Jude grinned so widely Connor could count all of his front teeth. "Really? I love that! It's so fitting."

"A group of hedgehogs is called a prickle."

"Even more fitting. Though the pug one is funnier."

Connor had to agree, but he felt rejected that Jude said it.

"Do you know any more animal facts?" Jude asked.

"Norway once knighted a penguin," Connor said, his tone lackluster. He didn't like this game anymore. There were too many things that could go wrong, just like with everything else, and it was all going wrong.

"Do you know why?"

Connor shook his head. He was too stupid to know about the why.

"Can I tell you about a fact I learnt about in psych class today?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. That was safer.

"Cuddling can actually help wounds heal more quickly, because cuddling releasing oxytocin. Cuddling also triggers the release of serotonin, which helps fight depression and can make people feel better."

"You want to cuddle?"

"If you want to."

"It's always about me," Connor said.

"Tonight, it is," Jude said. "Tonight, it needs to be because you're the one who's dealing with stuff tonight. There's no shame in that."

"I had scratches all over my face when we went to dinner. My cheek was all red. Just from how he held me while we were … having sex. I mean, it was … on purpose. He wanted to hurt me that time. I know that. But the waiter, at dinner, when my boyfriend was in the bathroom, came over and asked if he needed me to call someone. I said no. I shouldn't have. I was sixteen. I could have … avoided the worst years. Most of it. But I didn't. I think about that a lot."

"Was that what you dreamt about?"

Connor touched his cheek. He could feel the dull ache of his old wound. "No. I dreamt about right before that."

His hot chocolate was cooling in his hands and Connor took a gulp of it. He couldn't not finish it. Not after Jude had spent money on it. Not after Jude had been nice enough to get it for him at all.

"I'm sorry, baby." Jude's hand reached out, the tips of his fingers nearly touching his knee, and then he pulled his hand back.

"It's okay."

"Are you just saying that?"

Connor looked at Jude's hand, which Jude had resting on his lap. "No. You … you've never hurt me, have you, Jude?"

"No. And I never want to."

Jude reached forward again and he rested his palm against Connor's knee. It wasn't until he felt Jude's hand on him that Connor realized how much he was craving to be touched. He put his cup down on the coffee table and reached for Jude. His hands were shaking again, but Jude didn't say anything and Connor was grateful for that. Jude wound his arms around Connor and like he did in the parking lot, Connor just felt safe. It felt natural to relax against Jude while Jude adjusted the blanket over the both of them.

"How's this?" Jude asked.

"This is … good," Connor said hesitantly. He didn't know if he should say good; admit that something other than being in his ex's arms was _good_. Not now. But it was good. It felt good. Connor knew that it was good. He knew that like he knew his own name. Like he knew tongue prints were as unique as finger prints.

Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's temple and Connor reached up and held Jude's hand. Jude's fingers were soft and Connor liked that. Jude was just _soft_.

"Do you need anything else?"

Connor shook his head. "I … I want to … just stay. Like this."

"We can stay like this for as long as you want," Jude promised.

"You're too nice."

"I don't think so," Jude said. "Do you want to find something to watch or do you just want to sit in the quiet?"

"W-w-what do you … um, want to watch?"

"Nothing in particular. We can just flip through channels if we find something or if we don't find something just put music on or … maybe do something that would make you happy."

"Am I allowed to be happy?" Connor whispered.

"You tell me," Jude said. "You don't need to be happy all the time but … you know, that's a good idea."

"What?"

"Tell me the last time you were happy," Jude said. "Just, really, honestly happy."

"Um. Wednesday, I think."

"Why?"

"It was sunny."

"Yeah. It was really nice."

"And … my salad was good."

"You tried the new salad dressing, right? That … fruit one you made yourself."

"Yeah. And … you were telling me those jokes that Rita told you at work on Tuesday night. And they were … kind of immature."

"She's got a five year old sister," Jude protested. "You can't expect brilliance from 'what do you call a fake noodle?'"

"An impasta," Connor said. "But they were funny. I laughed and you laughed and we … we were laughing, um, together and … and … And I had no reason to be sad."

"Hmm," Jude mused.

Connor didn't care for that sound at all. It didn't tell him what Jude really thought and Connor wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth shut. He'd been a big enough problem tonight. He shouldn't make it worse.

"What do you do when you cross a snowman and a vampire?"

It was a simple riddle, but Connor smiled anyway. He was only half lying when he said, "What?"

"Frostbite."

"Thank you, Jude."

"You don't have to think me. I'm doing what any good boyfriend would."

"I think you'd be good, even without the boyfriend … Boyfriend doesn't mean good," Connor added, though he thought he might have said too much.

"You're good," Jude said.

"I don't think so," Connor answered.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I'm just not." Connor pulled the blanket over his shoulders and pulled Jude's arm tighter around his waist. He knew he shouldn't have. He knew that it was too much, but Jude was comforting. Connor had called him for a reason.

"Connor?"

"What?"

"I think you're good. I think you're really good. I think that you are not your past and you are not what happened to you. You are bigger than that. Greater than that. I …" Jude hesitated and Connor picked his head up from Jude's shoulder. "I think you're amazing. That's all."

Connor rested his head back against Jude's shoulder. "Um … TV?"

"Sure, baby. Whatever you want." Jude turned on the TV. He opened up the guide but before he started searching, Jude turned his head and kissed Connor on the forehead. "You feeling okay?"

"Don't leave me," Connor whispered. "Jude, I can't be alone again. I was alone and the dream came and the memory came and I … I … don't want to be alone again. I don't … I don't …"

He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want to be small and vulnerable but here he was. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, carving familiar lines into his worn cheeks. Connor started to curl in on himself but Jude kept a tight arm on him. He was not alone this time. He was not in a dark room that were easy for phantoms to haunt. They were beyond the witching hour and into the strangeness of two a.m. Connor was going to be okay here. He was going to be able to breathe. He believed it. He had to believe it. Jude was strong and warm beneath him and he needed to hold onto that. There was no one grabbing him. There were no fingers in his mouth. There was no risk of drowning.

"You're okay, you're okay," Jude murmured. "I've got you now."

Connor wanted to find it comforting, but he just _didn't_. There wasn't anything. Jude began to hum and Connor pulled the blanket up over his head. It was his mother's favourite song; of course, it was. Because somehow, Jude had ended up knowing him. Somehow, Connor had ended up safe here.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

"Thank you." Connor clutched his hand into the front of Jude's shirt. "For coming to get me."

"I want to be here for you," Jude said. "I don't want you to think any different."

Jude had to feel obligated to lie to him like that.

"Do you feel like coming out of the blanket?"

"No."

"Can I come under, then?"

Connor screwed his eyes shut, trying to force out the last of his tears and then he hurriedly wiped his cheeks on the front of his shirt. Two deep breaths later, and he held up the corner of the blanket so that Jude could duck his head underneath.

"It's warm in here," Jude said.

"That's why I like it."

Jude kissed his forehead. "Thank you for calling. I'm glad you aren't alone tonight."

Connor took hold of Jude's shirt again, his hand rising and falling along with Jude's breathing. "Me too."

Jude bent his head so that their foreheads were nearly touching. Connor could feel the whisper of Jude's breath against his neck and he shrunk into Jude's sweatshirt, readjusting himself so that he was curled into Jude. He felt the edge of vulnerability sharp against his back, but this was Jude. He thought that he might know Jude too, like Jude knew him. Slowly, they were able to emerge from the blanket and the hunkered into the couch like they normally did. Connor settled against the back of the couch. Instead of keeping Jude tight to his chest like he usually did, Connor allowed himself to be held this time. He wanted to see what it would feel like with Jude. So, he rested his head against Jude's shoulder, with Jude's arm curving around his back to his waist. He let himself be small. And he expected to feel scared. Or dominated. Or just little and insignificant.

Instead, Connor just felt the same overall feeling of comfort that he did when he walked out his dorm and saw Jude was there. Connor didn't understand it and to that effect, he wasn't even sure he entirely _liked_ how Jude made him feel sometimes. Sometimes, the feelings Jude gave him were too far outside of his comfort zone. Connor liked his comfort zone.

He kept his mouth shut and his head down about it because all he wanted was to be able to be still. He had too many feelings that he needed to settle. He just wanted things to calm down until he could no longer feel the storm raging inside of him.

"I'm going to put something on for background noise," Jude murmured. "Unless you're really going to hate that?"

"No," Connor said. "I think it's going to be okay."

Jude found a cooking competition show, checking in with Connor that it was all right. Connor nodded.

"I, um, like the recipes," he said.

"Yeah? You think you could win one of these things?"

"Stress," Connor said. "And … exposure. He … I don't w-w-want h-h-him t-to ev-ever see me."

"He's in jail."

Connor sucked his lip into his mouth. "I … I … Do we ha-ha-ha-ve to, um, talk ab-about it?"

"No, baby, of course not. You're safe right here. I promise." Jude very gently squeezed Connor and rubbed his ribs. "You still doing okay?"

"Yeah." Strangely enough, Connor was becoming more sure about that.

It was soothing to lay against Jude, half-listening to the TV show and half-listening to Jude's heartbeat. He liked how steady even Jude's breathing was and how solid Jude was, just as a person. Just as anything. Jude was solid. Which was why Connor was so startled when Jude yawned.

"Are … Are you … Do you need to go to b-bed?"

"No, I don't have to. I want to be with you, as long as you want me to."

Connor shook his head. He couldn't do that to Jude. He couldn't make Jude sacrifice sleep for something so unimportant.

Jude kissed the top of his head. "If you want to go to bed and want the couch to yourself tonight, you tell me. If you want me to stay here, then you tell me. I want what you want."

That wasn't fair. It wasn't, but Connor was selfish. He wanted to grab onto Jude and hold him close. Which was hard. And conflicting. Because Connor also didn't want closeness. Because closeness ended in pain. His ex had taught him that. Connor didn't want to hurt again. He wanted to be safe but he wanted to be with Jude and if he was with Jude then he was both safe and in danger. Not because Jude wanted to hurt him but because people ended in pain. But then he'd called Jude anyway, instead of staying alone. Because he was selfish. Because he couldn't spend half a night without Jude. Because he was clingy and awful and there was absolutely nothing good about him.

"Oh, baby, what's wrong?"

Connor hid his face in the side of Jude's shirt. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to do anything.

"You want me here?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. He knew he shouldn't. But he nodded anyway.

"Then here I'll stay."

"It's … a small couch."

"Then, hold on tightly so I don't fall off," Jude said. He reached between them to hold Connor's hand. "You can be my otter."

Connor had to smile a little at that, and it felt wrong, because there were still tears that were clinging to the corners of his eyes that made his entire face feel like it was itching. Jude adjusted the blanket over the two of them.

"You're going to be okay, baby. I know it."

Jude knew it. Connor could try to believe it.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **The Safest Place**_ **by LeAnne Rimes. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way**


	37. Set Sail

When Connor woke up the next morning, he was stiff. His face was sticky with dried tears and his whole body felt seized. He blinked, half-lifted his head off Jude's chest, and realized he felt like this because he hadn't moved all night. Neither had Jude. They were still holding hands and Jude's arm was still around him. Connor's breath skipped, because he knew, deep down, that he'd never really expected Jude to still be next to him when he got up in the morning. To wake up and know different … the knowledge almost tore Connor apart.

"Morning, baby."

Connor flinched.

"Sorry, Connor, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Um … h-h-h-how l-long h-have you … been aw … awake?"

"Maybe half an hour. I started flipping channels and I was worried it was going to wake you up but you were out. Did you have a good sleep?"

"I think so. You … you could've gone to bed."

"I did. Here, on the uncomfy couch," Jude said. "I should invest in a new one if this is going to become a thing."

"J-J-Jude –"

"It was just a joke, don't worry. Well, partly. I'd like a new couch, but not because of you."

Connor grabbed the edge of the plaid blanket and pulled it up over his head.

"Not funny, I guess. Okay. Do you want breakfast?"

"I can make something. What do you have?"

"I mean I'd make you something," Jude said. "It's not going to compare but I wouldn't be a good boyfriend if I didn't even try to cook for you once in a while. And I'm not totally hopeless in the kitchen. You've trained me a little." Jude rested his head on top of Connor's. "What do you say?"

"That it sounds good. Thank you." Connor emerged from the blanket to peek at Jude.

Jude kissed him gently. "I'll make coffee."

"Thank you." Connor grabbed Jude's sleeve as he went to sit up. "You …"

"What?"

"You're … still my boyfriend?"

"Of course, I am. I know we had a little disagreement last night but that doesn't mean we break up. You still matter to me like you did yesterday. And I'm really not upset about any of it. I know after last night this might not be the best question to ask so you don't have to answer, but, what would he say after a fight?"

Connor shrugged, trying to keep the memories at bay. Jude was right. It wasn't a good question, but Jude had asked. Connor needed to answer. "Um. He would leave. Sometimes after he got back, he'd tell me that he'd met someone new and that I was lucky he'd come back at all. Not that I deserved him coming back. He would … make me doubt everything. How the fight happened or if it happened at all. How he felt about me. I … could never trust any reality, Jude, because he'd change it and I would never know where to stand or how to stand and what was I supposed to do with that?! But what was I supposed to do without him, either? There was no winning. Not for me."

Connor thought he saw pity on Jude's face and he hid underneath the blanket before he could really _feel_ Jude pitying him.

"I'm sorry I asked. I'll get coffee now, okay? Or did you want something else?"

"No, it's … okay."

Jude gently rubbed Connor's shoulder and then he stood up from the couch. Connor exhaled slowly. He couldn't spend this long falling apart. He just couldn't. It was time to pull it together, get over himself, and act normal. He had to act like a normal boyfriend and make it a good day, especially to make up for everything that had happened last night. He forced himself to stand up and pad into the kitchen along with Jude.

"I told you I'd serve you this morning," Jude said, turning to smile at him. "You can laze on the couch if you want."

"You always sit with me in the kitchen," Connor said. He leant against the portion of counter that Jude usually sat on. "And help me out somehow."

"I guess it is your turn to babysit the bacon."

"You know I can do that."

Jude reached out his hand and Connor took it. Warmth was radiating off Jude's palm and Jude ran his thumb over the back of Connor's hand.

"You seem a little better."

"Bad nights pass and then they come back." Connor shrugged, as if he could play it off. As if Jude wasn't perceptive and wouldn't know that Connor was still hurting, because Connor knew that he wasn't that good at hiding it. But he liked that Jude could see it. He liked that after a few short months, Jude knew him so well. "Thank you for coming last night. I … wouldn't be as close to okay as I am without you."

The words almost got stuck in Connor's throat. It was so hard to admit that he needed Jude because he shouldn't need Jude. He shouldn't need anyone anymore. He should never have needed anyone in the first place. But here they were, in Jude's kitchen, and Connor was so glad to have someone to rely on. Someone who he knew was going to be there when he called.

"Always," Jude said.

Connor shifted his grip on Jude's hand and tugged Jude to him before he even fully thought through his actions. Jude stood in front of him and then bent his head to kiss Connor's cheek. Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Jude's waist.

"Thank you," he said again. "I really, really mean it. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. It's what I'm here for."

"Yes, I do," Connor whispered.

"I just want to know you're safe and doing okay. That's what a relationship is … to me at least."

"Thank you for saying that too."

"You're okay," Jude told him yet again.

Jude kissed Connor's forehead, but Connor reached up to touch the edge of Jude's jaw. Jude paused, and Connor tilted his head back to give Jude a kiss on the lips. It was a small kiss, but Connor felt lighter. Jude smiled at him, and that made Connor feel lighter too.

"I never got to tell you this last night," Jude said, "but you look really cute in your own jammies."

Connor hugged his arms around himself. "It's … your sweatshirt."

"And you look good in my clothes too."

Connor blinked. "You always say I look good."

"Because you always do. C'mon, let's start the coffee."

Connor nodded, even though they both knew that Jude would make the coffee on his own. So, Connor started the bacon. It had to cook nice and slow to taste as good as it should. The routine of making breakfast was nice. Connor and Jude sipped at their coffee as they cooked bacon and eggs. Jude didn't own a toaster, so he popped a couple of bread slices into the oven. He let the oven hang open slightly, and turned back to the eggs.

"They're almost done. How's the bacon?"

"Almost done," Connor said. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay. Couch isn't the most comfortable spot but …" Jude shrugged. "You sleep like a log, though. I don't think you moved all night."

"You didn't either."

"Didn't have anywhere to go."

Connor stared at Jude's smile for several long seconds before it clicked that Jude was just teasing him. Jude _wasn't_ mad at him for the two of them sleeping on Jude's couch. Jude said he wasn't mad at Connor for _anything_ , and Connor really wanted to believe that.

"So, for later," Jude began, but Connor let out a squawk.

"There's smoke!"

"What?" Jude turned his back on Connor to see dark smoke curling out of the oven. "Oh, no! The toast!"

A blaring started as Jude ripped the pan from the oven. He threw it haphazardly on top of the burners and grabbed one of the dish towels hanging from the front of the oven. Connor felt helpless as he watched Jude beat the air around the smoke detector, and then the night and the image got to him, and he let out a small chuckle in spite of himself. It was the only sound left in the room as the smoke detector quieted.

"So, unfortunately, I think I burnt the toast." Jude grinned, and then he shook his head. "What's that look for? Did you hate my towel moves that much? Or are you just making fun of the fact that you would never burn the toast?"

"You seem very … used to using the towel."

"Hey! I don't burnt things _that_ often." Jude bent over the stove and poked at the bread. "But this one is really burnt."

Connor shifted the bacon off the burner and then moved around Jude to also move the eggs. "We don't want to burn anything else."

"Thanks for looking out for me." Jude caught Connor's cheek with a kiss. "But I'm glad burning the toast made you smile."

"I'm not laughing _at_ you," Connor clarified.

"I know. Do you want to try toast, take two?"

Connor looked at the blackened bread. "Um. Maybe we should do breakfast without toast."

"That sounds smart to me."

They made up their plates and took their stools. Jude sat first and Connor took the one right next to him, even though he thought that Jude was expecting to keep a stool between the two of them. There was something in Jude's body language that made him think it – the respectful way that Jude kept himself contained to his own seat, perhaps – and then the way that Jude let a smile on his face and how he hooked his foot along the bottom rung of Connor's stool once Connor had sat. Connor didn't understand why Jude would think that Connor would leave space between them after last night. Connor's bubble included Jude now.

"What were you saying before the beeper?" Connor asked.

"Oh. I was going to ask if there was anything you wanted to do later."

"I thought you worked today."

" _Tonight_. From six to midnight. But we've got a few hours. If there was anything …"

"No. I still feel drained and not really myself. Can I stay here?"

"Of course, you can. For as long as you want. Did you want to stay here tonight too?"

"I'm not sure yet. Is … is that okay?"

"Of course, baby. Take your time." Jude's foot rubbed against Connor's. "Do you like your eggs?"

"Yes. Thank you."

When they finished breakfast, Jude tucked the dishes into the dishwasher and turned it on. Connor pulled on the sleeve of his hoodie until Jude took his hand and they sat back down on the couch. Jude stretched his feet out on the table and Connor pulled the blanket around him before snuggling under Jude's arm. It was like nothing had changed between his arrival last night and now.

"I need to call my dad," Connor said.

"Sure." Jude stretched around and picked up Connor's backpack. "Do you want space to do that?"

Connor grabbed the front of Jude's shirt. "Please, no."

"Then here I sit. He's got to be worried about you."

"No," Connor murmured. "I, um, didn't tell him anything about last night. I just … I just called you."

And it was wrong, he knew, to rely on Jude this way.

"Thanks for trusting me," Jude said.

Connor didn't know what to say to that, so he simply held Jude's hand as he dialled his father.

"Good morning, Connor. How are you?"

"I had a bad night," Connor admitted.

"You should have called me if you needed help," Adam said. "You didn't have to be alone."

"Oh. I-I-I wasn't. I called Jude. I spent the night with him." Connor's voice trailed off into a whisper.

"Oh. Are you feeling better?"

"I think so."

"Jude helped?"

"Yes."

"Then that's what matters."

Connor frowned. "Are … I mean, is there something else, Dad?"

"No, no," Adam said. "I just mean that it's good you're fine and I'm glad Jude could help. Do you want to talk about what made last night hard?"

"Him. It's always him."

"I know. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Do you want me to see if Dr. Scott is available?"

"No, no. It wasn't that bad. It was just … normal bad. I mean, a little worse than normal bad but not that bad."

Against his side, Jude shifted. Connor went to sit up, in case Jude needed to get up, but Jude held him firmly. He looked up at Jude's face, skimming his gaze along Jude's morning stubble and soft lips to his eyes. Jude didn't look annoyed or anything. And when caught Connor's gaze, Jude tried his best to smile, and then he softly kissed Connor's forehead.

"Do you need anything?"

"Um, no. I j-just wanted to talk to you," Connor said. "Just to check in."

"I'm glad you did call. I was just doing some work and I was glad for the distraction. How's Jude?"

"He's good," Connor said.

"I'm looking forward to meeting him after hearing about him for so long."

"I think you'll like him, Dad. How … How's home?"

"I'm thinking of getting a pet."

"Really?"

"Really. Maybe some fish. Not something that's going to need too much attention."

Connor tried not to think bitter thoughts about that. No, of course his father couldn't handle anything that needed attention. If he couldn't raise a son, he certainly couldn't raise a puppy. But Connor knew his thoughts weren't fair. The time after his mother's death was hard and Connor hadn't been a good son either. He'd just wanted his mother and both he and Adam knew that Adam would never live up to that standard.

"A fish could be nice."

"I could get a nice aquarium. Anyway, that's something I'd think about for a while."

"Yeah," Connor said. "That makes sense."

"How's school going? Still good? How do you feel about exams?"

"It's good. Nervous for exams and for second term to start."

"What class are you most looking forward to?" Adam asked.

"I … decided to take a poetry class," Connor said. "Um … one of my professors dropped out for next term and I couldn't fit anything else I really needed into my schedule. Do you think it's okay?"

"I think it's great. That's what university is for – trying new things and learning as much as you can."

"Thanks, Dad," Connor said.

"I'm here for you, Connor. Is there anything else?"

"No."

"I'll let you go, then. I love you."

"You too," Connor replied.

Connor hung up the phone and let out a settling sigh. Jude rubbed his arm.

"How's your dad?"

"He's okay," Connor said. "He asked about you, and I like that he did."

"I like it too," Jude said. "So, poetry class? You never told me about that."

"Oh. Um, it just happened. And it fit where I wanted it too in my schedule. I don't even think I'll like it."

"Try it, anyway."

"Thanks, Dad," Connor joked, and it felt good to joke. It felt good to make Jude laugh and to look at the sunlight that was coming in through Jude's few windows, illuminating Jude's small cactus pot. It was daylight and there was no danger and he was allowed to laugh with Jude.

"Maybe you'll become a great poet," Jude said. "You never know."

"I can kind of guess."

"At the very least, you can find some great poetry to read to me. You know I love it when you read to me."

"I haven't in a while."

"Doesn't mean you never will. We still have a little bit of reading left for Kroeger's class. Maybe I can talk you into it …"

"But not today."

"No," Jude agreed. "Today is Saturday and we're just meant to laze around until I have to go to work."

"At six."

"At six," Jude confirmed. "And if you want to hang around, don't worry about it."

"Thank you. Will you have a break tonight?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I can come back and spend a few minutes with you."

"I can make you dinner," Connor offered.

"Don't put too much effort into it," Jude told him. "You can just make a little extra of whatever you want and I can heat it up when I get here."

"Hmm," Connor mused. "Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you _really_ forgive me for last night?"

"Of course! One hundred percent. We just had a bad night at the restaurant. Nothing to worry about." Jude nuzzled his head against Connor's. "Are you still upset about it?"

"I don't know. More worried that you're mad at me, I think."

"I'm not mad. Not at all."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Jude nudged his fingers against Connor's so that their pinkies interlocked. "Pinkie promise. It's even better."

Connor smiled and contorted to hold Jude's hand tightly. He burrowed into his blanket and hid against Jude's side. He was content to stay there and would have stayed there for too long, had Jude not eventually had to kiss his forehead and tell Connor he had to shower before work.

"And I don't think you want me to start stinking up the place either," Jude said.

"Well, it's your house," Connor reasoned. "If you wanted to smell, I guess you could."

"Ah, but you might not want to hang around me and that's kind of important to me."

Jude stood up from the couch and Connor sat there awkwardly. What was he supposed to do while Jude was in the shower? Jude didn't head straight for the bathroom – instead, he went to gather some clothes from his dresser. Connor decided to take a chance and ask that exact question.

"Whatever you want, baby. Watch TV, cook, play with my tablet if you want to. I don't mind. If you even want to leave, go ahead, but if you're going to go. I'd like to say goodbye."

"I don't want to go back to my room," Connor admitted.

"Then stay as long as you want. I shouldn't be too long."

Connor laid down on the couch as he heard the bathroom door shut. No, Jude wouldn't take long to shower, but after that, he would have to go to work. Connor had no reason to linger here, except for the fact that he didn't want to be in his dorm room. He knew it was stupid and he knew that he shouldn't think it, but he couldn't help but feel that when he went back to his room, the nightmare would be waiting. Like it was a physical, malicious thing that he couldn't be rid of. It was safe at Jude's … as long as Jude were here. Connor knew that he just didn't want to be alone. He knew that he had to learn how to be, but it was the last thing that he wanted to do. He really just wanted to be with another person. Someone that could protect him, since he could not protect himself. He didn't move until Jude came out of the shower, dressed in clean blue jeans and his work shirt. Jude settled on the end of the couch by Connor's feet.

"I think you deserve a lazy day, baby," Jude said, his hand resting against Connor's calf.

"I should do something," Connor protested. "I … I'm not used to doing nothing. I … don't like it."

"Sometimes just living is hard enough," Jude said. "But don't be afraid to poke around and find something to do."

Connor sat up and rested his hand over Jude's. "What time do you think that you'll be on break?"

"Uhhhh … probably between nine and ten."

"I'll see you then."

Jude bent forward and Connor softly pecked him on the lips. "Have fun at work."

"I'll do my best. I don't think Jason's working tonight so at least I'll have a boring night, not an annoying night."

"Be optimistic," Connor whispered.

"Take your own advice," Jude teased. "Okay. I've gotta go. See you in a few hours. Don't be afraid to shower or anything."

Connor nodded. "See you later."

Jude left and Connor felt the silence press in on him, even though the room wasn't completely quiet. He got off the couch and double-checked that Jude had locked the door behind him, even though Connor had heard the lock click. Then, he stood in the middle of Jude's apartment, wondering what to do with himself and what would be acceptable for him to do. He didn't want to cross any boundaries. He tucked his hands inside of his sleeves. He had showered last night, but he felt gross. He had been sweaty during his nightmares and he had vomited last night and his face still felt crusty with tears. He touched his hair. It was getting long and it needed to be cleaned more often to look okay. And Jude had talked about smells. Connor didn't want to smell.

But Connor knew that showering in Jude's apartment was going to be an ordeal for him, because _everything_ was an ordeal for him. He made himself walk into the bathroom. He had a couple of hours before Jude had his break. Surely he could be clean by then.

Right?

Right.

It was the quickest shower that he'd probably ever taken in his life. He used the smallest amount of Jude's shampoo and body wash as he could manage while actually getting clean. He tried not to do what he normally did after his nightmares, which was to turn the water to boiling and to scrub his body to the point where his skin went red, as if that simple cleansing could get rid of everything that was haunting him. He dried himself off thoroughly and made sure to put the towel back exactly as he'd found it. He didn't want to disrupt anything.

He found clothes in his backpack. He only half-remembered the frenzied packing of the night before, and he was glad he'd remembered to put something in the bag. He put on jeans and a clean shirt, though he pulled Jude's sweater back over his head. He hadn't brought his own sweater and, in all honesty, he thought of this one as more comforting than any of the sweaters that he owned. He left the bathroom, and Jude's basement apartment had gone completely dark. He went straight into the kitchen to see what Jude might have to make for dinner. Jude deserved to have something good. Connor found enough things to make a vegetarian spaghetti sauce and he set about to make it. He didn't put music on. He just wanted silence.

He also wanted to be able to hear if something was coming, but he didn't want that thought in his head. He didn't want to think about anything coming after him at all. Connor did most of his ingredient prep where he could see the front door. There was only one way into Jude's apartment, and Connor kept a sharp eye on it. He doubted his ex would be able to find him, especially while still behind bars, but he also knew that there was no good reason for paranoia and that he just had to obey his weird little quirks. It made his mind feel more settled.

He worked slowly, taking the time to make sure that everything was cut into similar sized pieces. It was methodical and soothing and time consuming, so that Connor didn't really have much time to worry about what to do _next_ because he also decided to make garlic bread to go with the spaghetti and he had just pulled it out of the oven when Jude unlocked the front door and walked back into the house.

"Something smells really good!" Jude said.

"Probably the garlic bread."

"Probably!"

Connor started filling bowls with spaghetti and sauce. "How's work?"

"It's me and Benjamin tonight, so that's a good thing."

"That's the guy you're going to the concert with," Connor mused. "Next weekend?"

"Yeah. Well, we'll leave Friday night and be back sometime on Saturday. Hopefully before three because I work three to ten." Jude laughed. "I … kind of forgot to book the time off."

"I'm sure you'll be back on time."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, baby." Jude grinned at him as Connor slid into the seat beside him. "Thanks for dinner."

"Thank you for letting me stay here."

"Whenever you need. Finding enough to do?"

Connor shrugged. "I … showered and made dinner. I-I don't know what I'll do when you leave again."

"What would make you happy to do?"

"I don't know. My stomach feels weird and I keep feeling like I'm going to turn around and be in a nightmare and I don't even think I _can_ be happy right now."

"That's fair." Jude spun his fork through his spaghetti. "What would make you the least unhappy? Is that a better question?"

"It's weird to answer," Connor said honestly, because he and Jude were honest with each other. "I'm in your place, not mine. So, rules are different."

"There's no skeletons in my closet," Jude said. "Mostly because I don't have a closet."

Connor laughed. "No. I guess you don't have a closet here."

"So, what would you be doing if you were at home? Because I'm sure you can do that here."

"Probably clean everything and reorganize my sock drawer." Connor stared down at the counter, clearing away a spot of sauce with his thumb. "Because there's no therapy like putting things in completely order and knowing they have a place."

"That makes sense, though it does make me a jerk."

"What?"

"Because I basically just told you to clean my apartment." Jude bumped his knee against Connor's. "Which was not my intention."

Connor stared at Jude's knee, letting his leg relax against Jude's. "I know. You didn't ask. _I_ asked for it. Which is how it always seems to go," he whispered.

Jude rubbed Connor's shoulder. "It's okay. If you want to clean, go ahead, but don't feel like you have to."

"I feel like it's the only thing I _can_ do," Connor confessed.

"Then go ahead. It's okay with me. But, maybe stay out of my dresser? I just feel like you sorting my socks is just too much for us at this point."

Jude was grinning happily at him and Connor was comforted by how often Jude looked happy and how Jude looked at him. He didn't feel like he _had_ to say anything, and he was happy to just duck his head and finish his spaghetti while they sat side by side. It seemed like Jude had just arrived home when his phone alarm started buzzing.

"Break's over," Jude said. "Thanks for supper. I'll see you soon."

"See you," Connor said.

Jude made it to the door and then he turned around quickly. "And I mean it, don't feel like you have to clean anything. I'm not going to stop you if that's what you want but it's my apartment and that's not your job. Feel free to just lay on the couch and watch TV if that's what you want to do. Don't feel you have to clean."

Connor tapped his fingers on the table. "That … I know. I know. You keep saying. And sometimes … Um … Um …" Connor took a deep breath and rushed his words, knowing that Jude had to get back to work, "Um. Most of the time I like how comforting you are about it and that you say it once or twice but when you say it so much it feels like you're talking to a child and I'm not a child, Jude. I don't want you to see me as a kid."

"I don't, I promise. I just misspoke. I really have to go but I promise we'll talk about it when I get home, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do what makes you happiest and it's okay with me." Jude grinned at him and then, to Connor's surprise, Jude blew him a kiss.

That made Connor feel warm all over, even as Jude shut and locked the door. Connor compulsively checked that the door was locked and then he went to gather up their dinner dishes. He'd start there and see where that took him.

(-.-)

Jude was happy to finally be able to leave work that night. He'd tried to keep his mind from wandering to Connor throughout his entire shift, but it just hadn't worked out like that. He was worried about his boyfriend, and he felt like he had good reason to be. The thing that bothered Jude the most was that he didn't know how to help Connor. He felt completely helpless. He couldn't offer physical comfort, because that might trigger a bad memory, but he also didn't have the words – if there even were any words! – to help him.

He unlocked and opened his front door slowly. His kitchen and main living room light were both on, but he didn't see Connor. Jude glanced at his open bathroom door, and then called his boyfriend's name. He went to kick off his shoes haphazardly like he normally did, but then he noticed that the few pairs of footwear he owned had been carefully lined up and the floor around them swept and cleaned.

"Kitchen."

Jude removed his shoes and placed them purposefully next to the last ones in line. He headed into the kitchen, inspecting his apartment as he went. His coffee table had been cleaned, as had his floors and rug. It looked as though his TV had been dusted, along with his bookshelf and the top of his dresser. His bed had been made, and Jude hadn't realized just how many pillows and blankets he had until he saw them all organized on his bed. Usually he let things be kicked around and thrown to all corners of the large bed and he just grabbed whatever blanket was closest when he flopped into bed and found whatever number of pillows he wanted. Usually he ended up with a wall of blankets at the bottom of his mattress, just because of the way he sometimes moved around while sleeping.

Jude moved into the kitchen. These floors had been cleaned too, along with the counters. The sink had been scrubbed until shining, and Jude noticed his walls and fridge had been wiped down. Connor was sitting on the floor, scrubbing at a red-brown stain on the front of the oven.

"Hey," Jude said, sitting down next to him. "This place looks great. I can't believe you did this in, like, three hours."

Connor shrugged. "It felt good. I … I mean, he had a house. I h-h-had a whole house to keep clean. This … This isn't anything. Except for this stain. This stain is something and I don't r-r-really, um, know if it's, um, gonna c-c-come out."

"Don't worry about it too much," Jude said.

"N-n-no. It's … the only thing I have left and it's going to come out." Connor scrubbed the front of the oven more roughly.

"It looks like it's fading," Jude said supportively.

Connor bit down on his bottom lip. With one last burst of energy, he managed to get the stain off the front of the oven. He sat back in relief, and then Jude watched his face crumble.

"What is it?"

"It was supposed to be done before you got home," Connor whispered. "It wasn't."

"It practically was! And you got so much done! And thank you, for all of the cleaning you did. I really appreciate it."

Connor glanced at Jude quickly, before looking downward. The tops of his cheekbones went slightly red. He exhaled and wiped his hand across his brow, where Jude noticed a few droplets of perspiration.

"You must've been working hard," Jude said.

"A little." Connor shrugged. "But it wasn't a big deal."

"Do you feel better?"

" _Yes_ ," Connor said. "Yes. This was what I needed."

He did look more relaxed. Jude reached out and touched the top of Connor's hand. This time, when Connor looked up at him, their eyes stayed locked.

"You want a new sweatshirt?" Jude offered. "You've probably got that one a little gross."

"I like this one," Connor said defensively, which made Jude smirk.

"I have a bunch of Anchor Beach sweatshirts," Jude said. "You can have your pick."

"Thanks, Jude."

Connor followed Jude over to the dresser and Jude dug out another one of his high school sweaters, which was fairly similar to the one that he was wearing. Connor took it from his hands hesitantly and the touched the hem of the sweater he was wearing. His face hardening in resolve, he took off the sweatshirt he was wearing in front of Jude, which Jude hadn't expected. Connor had a hard weekend, and Jude knew what that meant. It meant regression to an earlier time, where Connor was more broken than he was now. It meant Connor being more unsure about how close he and Jude could get in that moment. And Connor hardly let Jude see his forearms now. But there he was, pulling the old sweatshirt off, lifting the t-shirt he was wearing underneath of it up slightly so that Jude caught sight of the ab muscles that he had traced through Connor's clothing, and tried to recreate in his mind on more occasions than he cared to admit. Jude tried to keep his reaction to a minimum and made himself shift his eyes away once Connor had the sweatshirt over his head and was straightening his shirt. Jude ended up looking at the burn on Connor's forearm, because that scar made his stomach churn like almost nothing else did. Jude's own arm always hurt in response to seeing it.

Connor put the new sweatshirt on and tucked his hands in the front pocket. "How's this one look?"

"Great. You look great." Jude stretched, putting his hands on his lower back. "Let's sit, okay?"

"Right. Your back bothers you after work!"

"It's not as if it's really painful, though. Not the end of the world if I have to stand for another few minutes."

Jude dropped into his spot on the couch. "Come sit with me, baby?"

Connor nodded. Jude bent his knees, trying to work some of the stiffness of a six hour shift out of his muscles. Connor pulled Jude's arm around his waist and tucked his head against Jude's shoulder. His eyes shut and Jude watched his face, wondering if Connor could have fallen asleep that quickly. But Connor wasn't sleeping. His nose wrinkled and he sat up.

"What is it?"

"Your shirt smells like … something weird."

"Because it's a work shirt and they never smell normal." Jude shrugged. "And I should probably change out of it. Give me two seconds, kay?"

Connor nodded. He picked up the TV remote. "May I?"

"Go ahead."

Jude grabbed an old t-shirt from his dresser. He tilted his head to look at Connor, thinking that it would be nothing to change shirts standing right here. Connor wasn't even looking at him; he probably wouldn't even notice. But Jude knew that if Connor did notice, then the situation might change. It was also nothing to take three steps into his small bathroom, take six seconds to pull off one shirt and pull on another, throwing his work-shirt into the tiny hamper that he had crammed in between the wall and his toilet. This was the better option. Connor had spent the last several hours cleaning. He shouldn't just throw a shirt on the ground. It was rude.

"What'd we find to watch?" Jude called.

"It's a cooking show," Connor said. "I'm getting bored with the recipes I know."

"And I don't want to think about the amount of recipes that you've got stored in your head." Jude leant his arms on the back of the couch, his head next to Connor's. Connor quickly jerked his head away from Jude's, his eyes landing on Jude's hands. "I'm not going to touch you, baby."

"Hmm," Connor said.

"Hmm," Jude mimicked.

"What if I want you to touch me?"

"Should've said I'm not going to touch your head," Jude amended. "Might kiss it though."

He was able to press a kiss to Connor's temple before Connor tilted his head again. Jude was glad to see that he was smiling. Whatever had happened in the three hours that he was alone, there was some kind of peace that had been brought to Connor in that time. Something had shifted, for the better. Jude hopped over the back of the couch to settle in next to Connor again.

"See a recipe you like?"

"I don't know. There was one for salmon, but I don't usually cook salmon."

"You don't like it?"

"No, _I_ like it," Connor said. "But he … w-w-wasn't big on fish. I just never … got to make it. And I don't want to get it wrong."

"Isn't that half the fun?"

"What's fun about a mistake?"

"Well, dating me was probably a mistake but I think you like it sometimes," Jude teased.

Connor frowned. "I don't like it when you do that."

"Do what?"

Connor turned on the couch and Jude was struck by the seriousness in his eyes. "I've made my mistake, Jude, and you're not it. There's nothing about you that is a mistake. And, no matter what happens to us in the end, I know, even now, that there's nothing I'm going to regret about this. You've helped me heal so much. You're just … so much. But you're not a mistake."

 _I love you_ , Jude wanted to say, because that was all he felt.

"You might think I'm the mistake," Connor added.

"No, never," Jude said. "I wish I could say that as well as you did."

Connor put his head on Jude's shoulder and held his hand. "You don't always have to say it. Sometimes, I can just feel it."

Jude rubbed his thumb across the back of Connor's hand, a bolt of fear in his heart. He waited for it to fade, because Connor couldn't know what Jude felt. He just _couldn't_. Not because he thought that he was hiding it well, but just because Jude knew how well Connor did with emotionally cues. It would never occur to Connor that Jude felt anything, because Connor wouldn't want Jude too and he just wouldn't think that Jude might have already fallen in love. He trusted that Jude was going to be honest with him – because wasn't that what Jude had done in the past? – and that also bothered Jude. Not saying 'I love you' wasn't something that Jude would consider a lie, necessarily, but more something done out of self-preservation and the relationship that he and Connor had. He knew that he and Connor both liked the way their relationship was and Jude knew that neither were ready for it to change. Connor had already done so much to get to this point, and it was fast. Jude knew it was fast.

"Oh!" Connor said. "I think I like how that looks."

"Philly cheesesteak," Jude said. "Looks good."

"Maybe next time I make dinner for you," Connor mused. "If you think you'd like it."

"I am here to be your culinary guinea pig," Jude said. He kissed Connor's cheek. "I think I'd like it if you made me salmon."

"It won't be good."

"But the more times you make it, the better it will be. Make what you want. I'm here to taste test."

"And let me clean your apartment."

"That makes you sound like you're my maid."

"Cleaning made me happy," Connor insisted, but Jude fully believed it.

"Is there anything else that would make you happy?"

Connor tilted his head back and looked up at Jude. "Anything at all?"

Jude scrunched his nose. "Are you going to ask for an elephant again?"

"When did I … Oh! I forgot about that," Connor said. "Why? Did you bring me home an elephant?"

"No. Sorry to disappoint."

Connor shrugged. "There's still time until Christmas. Um … n-n-not that you have to get me, um, anything."

"I think there might be _something_ for you on Christmas. Not saying whether or not it's an elephant though."

"That's fair. Christmas presents are good surprises."

"Yeah, they are. So? Is there anything else that would make you happy?"

Connor suddenly seemed shy. Jude nudged his shoulder against Connor's, until Connor looked back at him, scrunched nose and all.

"You could try kissing me," he whispered.

Jude slid his arm firmly around Connor, bending his head to press his lips to his boyfriend's. He didn't let the first kiss linger, trying to gauge what Connor wanted. He felt Connor's hand rest against his chest, but he didn't push, so Jude went for another kiss; a longer kiss. Some part of his soul always felt satisfied when he kissed Connor. He felt the familiar want to _push_. He wanted to touch the abs that he had just gotten his first glimpse of, and not through the thick folds of a sweater or the thin creases of a t-shirt. He wanted to touch Connor, skin on skin. He wanted to see Connor's scars, and not just because of the morbid curiousity that he nurtured, but because he wanted to kiss the length of all of them, as if he could erase everything that had been done to his boyfriend. He wanted to create new memories for Connor, and give him better things to think of. He didn't want Connor to hate the thought of being touched, because Jude wanted to touch him.

He wanted Connor to love him, in more ways than one.

Connor gently brushed his fingers through Jude's hair and then he leant away. Jude just stared at him, feeling muddled. His feelings were clear to him, but his own logic was not. Connor's logic was not. Jude needed to figure out what the line was between overprotecting Connor and being considerate of Connor's feelings.

"You look like you're thinking something," Connor said.

"I'm thinking I like the way you kiss."

Connor chuckled and he tucked himself in Jude's arms.

"And I like how we talk about things," Jude said. "And I like when you read to me. And I like how you laugh. And I like how you trust me. And I like that my family likes you."

"Hmm …" Connor murmured, letting out a contented sounding sigh.

"And I like your cooking. And I like your jokes."

"I don't make jokes," Connor said.

"And I like how you hate cinnamon on your fries –"

"There's no good reason for it! There are good things to do with cinnamon but that's not one of them! It's rude to cinnamon and fries."

"And I like your passion."

"You don't have to compliment me like this."

"Are you saying you don't like it?"

"Just saying don't feel like you have to."

"I don't feel like I have to," Jude said. "I feel like you're in a place where you need to be reminded of it. And I'm happy to say it, because I want you to know it."

"You're too nice."

"Oops." Jude nuzzled his face against the top of Connor's head.

"That tickles!" Connor whined.

"Oops."

"Oops," Connor repeated, and then he yawned.

"Tired, baby?"

"A little," he murmured. "I think I want to go to sleep."

"Sure. Want me to bunk on the couch with you again?"

"Kind of," Connor whispered, sounding ashamed of it. "But … I think I need to sleep by myself. I can't stay here during the week."

"You can't?"

"I've been here too long. I need to learn to be myself and be okay with that. I need to be a person and not rely on you for everything. Tomorrow, I go home."

"Yes."

"Late tomorrow," Connor amended, and he peeked up at Jude.

"Yes," Jude confirmed. "Whatever you want. Don't feel like you could possibly overstay your welcome."

"Don't underestimate me," Connor said. "But I want to be a person and really feel like a functional person, you know?"

"I know." Jude kissed Connor's forehead. "Going to bed right now?"

"Soon," Connor said. "I'd like to within the hour. That's … That's not interrupting your night, is it?"

"Nah. We don't want to get in the habit of going to bed in the middle of the night."

"That's true."

"Let's watch an episode of something and then go to bed?" Jude suggested.

"Sure."

They watched an episode of the tattoo show about cover-ups, and Jude had to admit that he was almost too sleepy to make it through. He hadn't thought that he was as tired as he was, but he was glad to stand up off the couch and get ready for bed.

"And thank you for making my bed," Jude added. "I only half do that when I wash my sheets."

"Um … Do I … Do I w-w-want to know how often that is?"

Jude laughed. He picked up one of the plumper pillows and handed it to his boyfriend. "As often as I wash my pillowcases."

Connor took the pillow and looked down at the light blue pillowcase. He turned it over in his hands and Jude chuckled at the expression on his face.

"I don't know. I try not to go more than three months because that's gross."

Connor's eyebrows shot upward. "That's what you consider gross?"

"Unless something horrific happens. More often in the summer, I guess, when I start to sweat. Why? What do you consider gross?"

"A week."

"A week!?"

Connor shrugged. "Three months is a little longer."

"A week is a little short."

Connor pressed the pillow tightly against his chest. Jude watched him cross his arms around the pillow. "I … The habit wasn't started by me."

 _Ah._ Jude might have guessed, but sometimes it was hard to tell what Connor's natural tendencies were and what might have been engrained in him throughout the years with the ex. Jude leant forward and kissed his forehead.

"It's not your fault. It's not _that_ weird."

Connor dipped his head shook it. "You know, you thought it was weird before you knew that it wasn't entirely my decision. Either it's weird or it's not."

"I didn't mean it like that, Connor."

"Then how? I'm not a kid, Jude. I told you earlier."

"I know. And I'm sorry for making you feel like I was being condescending earlier. And we didn't get to talk about it. Do you want to know? I'm sorry. I know you're tired."

Connor had a little smile on his face, which caught Jude off guard. Connor reached out and rubbed the top of Jude's head, and Jude leant into Connor's touch. "Don't apologize too much. That's my job."

"And my impulse is to say 'sorry'." Jude reached out and tugged at Connor's sleeve, pulling him a few steps closer. "Do you think I treat you like a kid?"

"I think you try to protect me. I don't think that's inherently bad." Connor finally huddled into Jude's chest, the pillow creating a buffer between the two of them that was too wide for Jude's tastes. "I think there, um, is a line. And sometimes you cross it. But I think you know when you do."

"I try to. I try to be aware. I don't think of you as a kid."

"Promise?"

"If you were a kid, I wouldn't feel right about kissing you, but I definitely feel right about kissing you."

Connor pressed his face into the side of Jude's shoulder and mumbled something that Jude didn't quite catch, but almost sounded like, "I was fifteen."

Jude's heart sunk, because it seemed like had done a lot wrong today. He hoped that he'd done a lot right since he'd gone to pick up Connor last night. He hoped that his rights outweighed his wrongs and that his wrongs weren't that heavy. He didn't want to do that to Connor. He knew he often miss-stepped and he hated it every time that he did because Connor didn't deserve that.

"I just don't want you to be worried too much about it. And I want to talk about it if you are."

Connor lifted his head. "I think I'm okay, Jude."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"Wake me up if you feel too upset tonight."

Connor's expression soured, but Jude wasn't surprised. Connor didn't like to disturb anyone; it made sense that Connor wouldn't want to wake him. Jude kissed the side of his head anyway.

"If you need me, wake me. Say you'll try."

"I'll try," Connor echoed confidently. "Goodnight kiss?"

Jude pressed a lingering kiss to Connor's lips. "Do you need another pillow or blanket? A made bed puts things in perspective and I have eight million of each."

"You do have a lot."

"And I'll probably keep collecting more."

"Could I have one more blanket, please?"

"Of course."

When making his bed, Connor had spread a lot of the blankets along the bed like they were supposed to be. There were a lot there, though, and Connor had folded the rest of them across the bottom of his bed. Jude quickly felt through the blankets to find the softest one and the one that he thought would bring Connor the most comfort. Jude pulled it out of the pile and wrapped it around Connor's shoulders. He looked adorable, in his baggy pyjama pants and Jude's long sweater, holding his pillow and his blanket. Jude wished Connor were going to be curling into bed together. He wanted to hold Connor in his arms, like he had last night and his birthday weekend. He didn't know if anything was amazing in the way that waking up to Connor in his arms, his light eyes still full of sleep as he peered up at Jude, was amazing.

Jude kissed Connor again and didn't let any of those feelings slip. Beds and sex were interrelated, and Jude couldn't push physicality on Connor. That was all his ex had done and Jude was _not_ going to repeat those actions.

"Have a good sleep, baby."

"You too, Jude."

Jude took his time rearranging some of his pillows against the wall and peeling back blankets. He didn't want to immediately destroy the effort that Connor had put into making his bed and falling asleep in a freshly made bed was one of the few pleasures in life that Jude's slight laziness denied him. He sat down just as Connor spreading his hands over his pillowcase. He turned his blankets down and then he looked at Jude.

"Um … is … is there a light I can leave on?"

"Uh, yeah," Jude said, his mind scrambling to try and figure out what would be the best light to leave on. "The … tall one in the corner. I think it's got a dim switch on it, so it shouldn't bother you."

"Okay, thanks."

Jude reached to the end of his bed and started pulling the curtains close around his bed. He'd become accustomed to the curtains and he liked the way that they blocked the light out so completely. It had gotten to the point that when he went home, the lack of curtains bothered him, and he didn't sleep in his old bed as comfortably as he used to. He knew that the light from the lamp would probably bother him, but he still kept a section of his curtains open. He didn't want to seal himself off from Connor. He wanted to be able to peek out and see his boyfriend sleeping happily and he wanted Connor to feel like he could come up to Jude if something happened in the middle of the night.

With that, Jude turned off his bedside lamp and snuggled into his blankets. He rearranged some of the pillows and then closed his eyes. He thought of Connor taking the time to make up his bed for him, and the domestic notion of it made him smile.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Set Sail**_ **by Frances. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	38. So Far Gone

Jude bolted upright, unsure of what had startled him from his sleep. There was nothing immediately that seemed wrong, so he started to lean back into his pillows. A loud noise filled the apartment and It took Jude's tired brain a moment to realize that it was _Connor_. Jude quickly shoved the curtains on his bed back.

"Connor?"

But Connor was still asleep. His face was distorted, like someone in extreme pain. He yanked the blanket over his head with a loud, _"NO!"_

Jude was paralyzed. He didn't know how to wake Connor. He didn't want to touch him. Jude knew that would be the worst thing he could do. But he didn't know if he should talk to him or what else he could do. Jude turned on the overhead lights, hoping that it would disrupt something in Connor's dream, but there was nothing. Jude kept his distance from the couch and started calling out Connor's name, softly, at first, but then it grew louder as Connor didn't respond. And Jude just couldn't take the pain on Connor's face as Connor grew increasingly restless on the couch.

"Connor!"

Connor's eyes flashed open and he sat up, falling off the couch in an ungraceful motion. Something hit the table with a crack that made Jude cringe and he rushed to Connor.

"Are you okay?"

Connor was rubbing his elbow, struggling for breath.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Jude whispered. "Are you okay?"

Connor whipped his head from side to side. "He was here!"

"What?"

"I saw him!"

"Connor, there's no one here."

"It was so real," he whimpered, and his face crumbled in the way that Jude knew tears were coming.

"I'll talk a walk around," Jude said, even though there weren't many places in the apartment to check, and he doubted that anyone could walk in the front door without him noticing.

But it wasn't about how much sense Connor made; it was about his mental well-being. Jude dutifully checked that the front door was still locked. Connor was watching him through teary eyes as Jude looped around the living room, looking behind every corner, even though it was obvious that there was nothing there. He went into the kitchen and turned the light on, but everything was just how Connor had left it: clean, sparkling, and empty. Jude checked the bathroom, even pushing his shower curtain all the way back so that he could see into the tub. As he'd suspected, there was nothing there. He went back to the living room to report to Connor, who was still sitting on the floor, but who had cocooned himself into the plaid blanket.

"It's just you and me in here," Jude said.

"It was so real, Jude," Connor said.

"What can I do to make this better for you?"

"I want it to go away?"

"I don't know how to make that happen."

Connor buried his face in the folds of the plaid blanket.

"Why don't you go take my bed?" Jude offered. "You can pull the curtains around and it'll be like nothing can get it. It'll protect you, like blankets did when you were a kid, you know? I'll take the couch."

Connor's bottom lip trembled and he sucked in a breath. Jude watched his gaze wander and he knew that Connor wanted the bubble. He also knew his boyfriend well enough to know that Connor wasn't going to make that decision himself.

"Go on. It's the best thing for you. Do you want me to get you a drink of water or anything?"

Connor slowly stood. "Stay with me?"

"Always," Jude said. "Um, on the bed?"

He knew how Connor felt about beds.

Connor shifted and pulled the blanket over his head so he looked like he was wearing a large, hooded dress. "Um. Well, if we … sit like it's a couch, instead of a bed, then what's the difference?"

"Let's try it, right? There's nothing there to hurt us."

"Nothing there to hurt us," Connor whispered to himself.

Jude went around and started turning off some of the big lights he'd left on. He didn't touch his bedside lamp or the large lamp that Connor had been using as a nightlight, just so that he and Connor wouldn't be sitting in total darkness. He angled the curtain near the front of his bed so that the lamp was inside. There wouldn't be any dark corners for Connor, who had settled himself at the foot of the bed, almost entirely hidden in his blanket.

"How do you feel now?"

Connor shrugged and leant his head against the wall. "I _was_ only dreaming, right?"

"Right." Jude sat next to him, close enough to touch if Connor wanted to, but not so close that Connor would ever feel like he had to. "Did you hurt yourself when you fell off the couch?"

"Oh." The blanket moved slightly. "I didn't notice. I just … Not really. My arm, maybe. N-n-no big deal. I'm okay. I can fix it in the morning. It was my fault, anyway."

"How? I scared you," Jude said. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"You didn't do anything. Don't worry about me. I'm okay, I promise. I'm s-sorry for disrupting your sleep. I shouldn't have. And for something so stupid."

"It's not stupid. Not even a little bit, baby."

Connor closed his eyes and shook his head.

"What is it? I'm always here when you need me and it's not a bother. It's only been a couple of months since we met, but I hope you know that much, at least."

"You always sound like you mean the things you say," Connor said softly.

"I try to."

"I like being able to count on that. Or at least to try and believe I can count on that." Connor turned his head and there was heartbreak in his eyes. "You're so good, Jude."

"You're good."

"No one's good like you are," Connor replied.

His snuck his hand out from underneath the bottom of the blanket. Jude laid his fingers over Connor's and slowly, they melded into holding hands. The silence settled over the two of them. Jude picked up his own blanket from the bottom stack and he and Connor piled pillows around them. Jude was drooping with exhaustion, but he fought for wakefulness. He wasn't going to be the first one asleep when they were sitting on a bed and Connor had a long day like this. It was exactly like that long day that had Connor pass out from exhaustion. He slumped over, his head against Jude's shoulder and his arms clutching a pillow for all it was worth. Jude stayed still as a stone for Connor, not wanting to startle him at all. His own eyes started sliding shut and he hoped that they would wake up to a good morning.

(-.-)

When Jude woke, he was alone, flopped across his bed with his neck at a strange angle. He rubbed at his face and stretched out.

"Connor?"

Jude could smell coffee. He sat up and pushed his single blanket off his shoulders, shoving the curtains to the side. He slid slowly from bed, seeing Connor standing in the kitchen, Jude's sweater hanging off him as his plaid pyjama pants curving around him in a way that Jude found sexy, but he knew that Connor wouldn't think of as attractive at all. He knew Connor didn't think of himself as hot, though Jude would be hard-pressed to think of anything more attractive than Connor Stevens. Especially Connor Stevens in his kitchen at nine in the morning with a hot pot of coffee beside him, dressed in his boyfriend's clothing. But there he was, looking like everything Jude had ever wanted.

"Connor?"

Connor's head snapped up and he turned to look at Jude. "Oh! Good morning."

Jude glanced at the microwave clock. It was only nine a.m. Early for Jude, but perhaps not so for Connor. "How long have you been awake?"

"About three hours." Connor pulled a mug from the cupboard and poured Jude's coffee for him. "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to wake you."

"What did you end up doing?"

"Sitting. Until a little while ago, you were sleeping on me."

"I'm sorry."

Connor smiled and put Jude's coffee mug into his hands. "I was sitting up, still against the wall and you were laying on my legs. It made me feel protected, like no matter what, you were going to keep me safe."

"That's what I'm here for. I would keep you safe, you know."

"I know. But I don't ever want to think about you and him in the same place." Connor shook his head. "Or him ever getting out of prison."

"Is he getting out?"

"No. I mean, not that anyone's told me. And they have to tell me. We're safe." Connor rested against the counter. "I don't even know what I'd do if I saw him again. I mean _really_ saw him. Not like I thought I did last night."

"I hope you don't ever have to see him again." Jude took a sip of coffee and it was perfect. Connor could make his coffee better than he could.

"Me either. I like to think I'm different now and that things wouldn't be the same as they were last time we were together. But I don't know if that's necessarily true."

"I think you're different," Jude said. "Even from when I first met you. So, I can't imagine what you were like the last time you saw him."

"May I have some coffee?"

"Of course, baby, you don't need to ask."

Jude hopped up on the counter in his usual spot and Connor pulled a second mug out of the cupboard. He picked up the coffee pot and said, "I think you could probably imagine."

"Why?"

"You're the change in me," Connor said. "The way I was when I got here was almost the same way I was when I got out of the hospital last year. I didn't want to be here, to be honest."

"I thought you picked this school."

"Not without long conversations with my therapist. And … Dad was overbearing in a different way. Dr. Scott convinced me that a change might be a good thing. That to be somewhere new and see who I really was without anything familiar was the best thing for me to do. I stayed in my habits of being alone and hiding and then you talked to me."

"I think I made the right decision," Jude said.

"Me too." Connor sidled up next to Jude and took a drink of his coffee. "And I'm sorry about this weekend, about being such a mess. It's not usually this bad. It doesn't usually last this long."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Scared." Connor rested his head on Jude's shoulder. "I'm usually scared."

Jude took the chance and put an arm lightly around Connor's waist. Connor rested against him even more. "You don't have to be scared here."

"I'm scared of a lot," Connor said.

Jude knew they were talking about Connor's ex and nothing beyond that, there was a nagging feeling in his side. Connor was scared of Jude falling in love, but that was exactly what had happened. And he couldn't shake it out of his mind, because every time he saw Connor, soft and sweet and framed in light, Jude became more and more tempted to say it, even though he knew that it wasn't the time. He wanted Connor to smile when he said it, but Jude had the sneaking suspicion that no matter how long he waited for the right time, Connor still wasn't going to greet those three little words with happy grins and the same sentiment.

"I'm scared of going home tonight. I don't want to be there alone."

Jude met Connor's eyes and gave a little shrug.

"Oh, Jude, don't do that," Connor said. There was a hint of humour in his eyes, even as he shook his head.

"What? What am I doing?"

"I can't hide in your apartment."

"I didn't say that."

Connor's fingers gently brushed Jude's jawline. "You didn't have to. I could see it on your face." Connor ducked his head. "But I think I can read you okay, right?"

"Right." Jude kissed Connor's temple. "You can always come back here. You know, if your dorm room gets too scary."

"Are you kicking me out now?"

"No, of course not. You can be here as long as you want. I'm having a pizza craving, though, so if you stay, you're going to have to help me eat it."

"That … might be a fair deal."

Connor stared down at his coffee cup, swishing the liquid from side to side. Jude out his now empty mug to the side and nuzzled against Connor. "What are you thinking?"

"Trying to puzzle out why this thing lasted all weekend. Usually it's one bad night and I can figure out how to put it together again in the morning. I … don't know what went wrong this time. I mean, I don't think I want to know."

"What? Baby, that doesn't make any sense."

Connor turned his head slowly, his gaze steady. "I … think it's because of you."

" _Me_?" Fear raged through Jude, because there couldn't possibly anything good in that conversation.

"Not like _you_. I mean a … relationship. Bringing it all back. Making me afraid all over again. I think it would happen, no matter who else I was with. But I'm glad that it's you. I don't want it to be someone that's not you. I think you're the best person that I could find, Jude." Connor's cheeks turned red. "But, really, you found me."

"I'm glad I did."

Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's head, thinking that small sentences like that were as close as he would probably get to hearing Connor say 'I love you'. And it really should be enough, because Connor didn't say anything flippantly. He meant all of the words that came out of his mouth. Jude just craved more. He knew that he was more comfortable in their relationship than Connor might _ever_ be and, most of the time, he thought that he had made peace with that. Other times, he had to remind himself of just how the man before him had broken Connor and that neither of them could ever be sure that Connor would recover completely and find the person that he was supposed to be. Jude loved the person that Connor was, but he had to acknowledge that there were sacrifices to being in a relationship with Connor, and that he was starting to care more about them. He wanted to be able to spill his feelings at not worry about the consequences. He didn't want to feel guilty when his mind wandered and he ended up fantasizing about his boyfriend because that was normal, particularly when a person had a boyfriend that looked like Connor did. But he always ended up feeling guilty, and Jude wasn't sure that was right either. He wasn't sure that was healthy for their relationship either.

"Me too. And thank you, for this weekend."

"I think you said that."

"No, I said sorry. Which I mean. Well, I mean both of them."

"I know."

"I'd like you to kiss me," Connor said. "I mean that too."

Jude bent his head and pressed his lips against Connor's. Connor's arm tightened around Jude, holding him close. As Jude felt the end of their kiss drawing near, he brought them closer one last time, trying to dull the urge to whisper confessions that were better forgotten.

Connor hid his face against Jude.

"Are you sure you're okay, baby?"

"A lot of thoughts, that's all. Nothing bad." Connor frowned slightly. "I don't think."

"Do you want to share some of those thoughts?"

"Um. I'm not … Not sure you'd like it. It's probably a therapist thought and not a boyfriend thought."

"Would you tell me if we were just friends?"

"I don't understand."

"Is this something that you'd keep from a boyfriend or a friend?" Jude asked. "We're friends first."

"Friends don't stand like this."

Connor had a point there; Jude could admit that. Connor was pressed tightly to his side, their arms a tangled mess around one another. Their heads were bent together, their lips almost touching with every word they said but not quite making it.

"It depends on what kind of friends you are."

Connor blinked slowly, his head tilting to the side, and Jude could feel his eyelashes against his cheek. Jude almost lifted his head to taste a kiss from Connor but something stopped him.

"What kind of friends are we?" Connor asked, his voice low. "Is friends all you want to say?"

He was teasing and Jude grinned. " _Boy_ friends."

"Just you and me," Connor said.

"Now, what does _that_ mean?"

"You're going to be mad," Connor said.

"All the more reason to tell me, maybe?"

"That makes no sense, Jude."

"Because I know you didn't do anything so I know I'm not going to be mad so we should just talk about it, right, baby?"

Connor closed his eyes.

"What is it?" Jude pressed again.

"Um … It … It's different with you now then it was in the beginning."

"That's how relationships work. You get more comfortable with each other and then things get better, so –"

Connor was shaking his head. "I think … I think I might have told you before that I always thought that being with someone else would make me feel like I was cheating on him."

Jude kept his face schooled and blank but he just couldn't keep from reacting. "Is that what you feel like we are?"

No matter what he felt or what he wanted to happen with Connor, Jude was not going to play the other man, even if it wasn't strictly in the literal sense. There was a lot that Jude was willing to put up with when it came to Connor's ex-boyfriend and a lot that he was willing to push himself to understand, but this was one situation where he knew he had to draw the line, because he wasn't willing to live like that. If Connor wasn't over his ex to the point where he felt as if he could be in a new relationship and that was his only relationship, then trying to be together wasn't healthy for either of them.

"Oh! No, no. That wasn't what I was trying to say."

"Then, what _were_ you trying to say?"

"I knew you'd be mad."

"Connor, please, focus."

"I mean, I was thinking about it," Connor said. "On Friday. About how I should love him and only him and how nothing will ever be the same as it was with him and sometimes I do feel guilty about being with you, especially when something like this weekend happened and he's on my mind."

"None of that sounds good." Jude leant out of Connor's hold, even though Connor was still trying to cling to the side of Jude's shirt.

"No," Connor murmured, "It doesn't. Um, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make either. Because I have those feelings sometimes. It does get worse when he's on my mind and sometimes I can't help but compare but that's not fair. I know it's not. Because what we have is better. I know that. You treat me better and I like being with you better, because I can be safe and happy here. I loved him, I think … I don't know, anymore."

Connor had said the word love and Jude bit on the inside of his cheek. If he was comparing Jude and his ex and the word love was on his mind, could he be thinking he loved Jude too? Could that have crossed his mind? Jude knew that that it wasn't where his mind should be wandering during this conversation but he couldn't control his thoughts.

"And, you know, we're not in love," Connor said, speaking quickly and tripping over his thoughts "and that makes thing so much easier. Right away, we were in love and that was awful, love is awful. And … I feel like I know you better than I ever knew him and I think that's just because you let me in differently and thank you for that and for what we are. I don't know if that even makes any sense but that's really how I feel, Jude. I don't think I'm cheating on him, I know I'm with you, it's just sometimes it pops up in my head that I shouldn't be with you because of him and I don't think that's my voice, I think that's his voice, and I'm sorry for bringing all of this up, Jude, I really am."

Jude pulled Connor back into his arms, letting Connor tuck his head down against Jude's chest. Jude rested his head on top of Connor's.

"What do you think?" Connor asked.

"I think that was a lot to think about."

Jude closed his eyes, because that wasn't even the half of it. Connor wasn't ever going to love him back and he was going to have to deal with that, sooner rather than later, because Connor wasn't ever going to deal well with the fact that Jude had fallen in love.

"You deserve someone better," Connor added.

"You are the best," Jude said, because he meant it and because it was the thing to say.

"Thank you for that too."

Jude didn't know what else he could say right now. "Do you promise that it's us? When you're here with me … it's us?"

"It's us. I promise."

"I trust you."

"Thank you."

Connor made them a real breakfast and they sat on the couch and ate together, with a movie playing in the background. When it was over, Connor straightened up.

"I think I should go home now."

"Are you sure? We still have a lot of day left." Jude thought of the pizza promise that Connor had made him earlier, and he toyed with the thought of reminding Connor of it. If he brought it up, he knew Connor would stay until after lunch. But Jude didn't like the thought of trapping Connor.

"I've been here too long." Connor reached across the couch to pick up Jude's hands. "But can I ask you one more favour?"

"Sure, baby. What do you need?"

"I'd like for you to, um, come upstairs with me. Make sure there's … It's stupid."

"No, you can tell me anything, baby."

"Just … make sure there's nothing there. Friday night, I was so terrified and I … that's all I can think about now when I think about walking back inside. I think about being scared again. And, when I'm with you, I don't think about being scared. So, maybe … maybe if you go inside too and then tell me it's okay then I'll be able to believe it."

"I can do that for you, baby. Don't worry about it."

"Okay."

Connor gathered his things from how they had scattered across the apartment. Jude thought that he liked how Connor's things mixed with his own and he wanted to feel that all the time. He wanted to feel more than Connor wanted to feel and Jude didn't know how to talk about that with him or even think about it to himself. Connor didn't notice Jude's strange silence as they drove to the nano dorms. They parked and it was usually the time where Connor would turn, kiss him, and then get out of the car. But Jude shut the car off and took his key out of the ignition.

It was a big deal; Connor letting Jude into his room. Jude knew that he should be thinking about that but his mind kept trying to sort out the intricacies of Connor's stumbled speech in his apartment. He hit the elevator button and leant against the wall.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Jude picked up Connor's hand and swung it gently. "Of course, baby. Anything for you … Within reason."

"You remembered."

"Of course. I wouldn't forget."

The elevator doors dinged open and Connor stepped inside, pressing his floor number. Jude leant against the back railing of the elevator as it began to rise and Connor nervously shifted from foot to foot.

"I could just walk you to the door, you know."

"Do you think I'm being a baby?"

"No. Not at all. It's for your mental health and that's important." _It's because I love you._ "Especially after this weekend."

"I'll make it up to you. This weekend?"

"I'm going to the concert, remember?"

"I could do what I did for your birthday. Have something good to eat for when you came back?"

"You have to promise me you'll try something new, though."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "But it's only for you that I'd do it."

"I know." And any other day, Jude would light up from the inside out. Today, he had to remind himself why he it would mean something, and he hated that. They shouldn't be falling apart like this, not when Jude had no idea what was going on with him and he knew Connor had no idea what was going on.

The elevator doors opened and Jude led Connor out. Connor dropped Jude's hand as they left the elevator and Connor walked slightly behind him up to Connor's door. He fished his keys out of his bag and fitted it in the lock. Instead of turning it, he looked to Jude.

"I think I left it a mess."

"It's okay. You've probably seen my apartment worse."

Connor nodded and opened the door. There was an earthy scent to Connor's apartment, which Jude immediately attributed to the cacti that he saw living around the apartment. The bed was a mess, half of the blankets spilling onto the floor, which didn't seem like Connor. There was a dish rack on the skinny counter that was full of clean dishes, which did seem like Connor. The blinds were shut and there was another scent to the apartment, which was slightly musty.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

Jude could see most things from the doorway anyway, but it felt more intimate to step inside and shut the door behind him. There was barely any room for the two of them to move around in here and Jude understood why Connor would rather be at his place than his own. But it did seem like more of a Connor place than Jude expected it to, given what few things adorned the walls. In fact, there was only one thing that Connor had hanging up in his room. It was from their photo booth visit.

Jude took a few looks around the room, poking his head into the small bathroom. Everything was organized and in its place. The closet door was half-open and Jude opened it all the way before sliding it back into place.

"I think your room looks safe."

"Thanks for humouring me."

"I really think you should open up a window, though. Get some air in here. You might feel better with fresh air."

"Maybe."

"You're so high up, nothing is getting through that window, I promise."

"If you promise it. I trust you."

Jude inched by Connor to open up the blinds and cracked the window open. A breeze swept through the room, instantly lifting the feel of the room.

"What do you think?"

"Thank you." Connor reached out his hand to Jude and gently pulled Jude to him. "Thank you. I mean it. I'm really happy I met you."

Connor kissed Jude first, softly and sweetly. It was in moments like that Jude forgot why he felt any feelings of dissatisfaction at all. Connor was enough, and Connor tried so hard to be more than enough. It wasn't fair of Jude to burden him with more, because what they had was beautiful.

"You going to be okay?" Jude asked.

"Yes," Connor said, confidently. "Are you?"

"Me? Why?"

"I just know I've been in my head a lot this weekend. I worry about you too."

"You don't have to."

"But I care about you." Connor squeezed his hand. "So, I want to know about you."

"I'm okay. And you'd be one of the first people I'd turn to if I wasn't."

Connor smiled and stood on his toes in order to kiss Jude's cheek.

"You know what?""

"What?" Jude asked.

"It's not even scary letting you in here. I thought I'd be terrified. I thought it was going to be a mistake." Connor made a face at himself. "I should stop doubting you like that. You're not a mistake."

"You sure?" Jude joked.

"One hundred percent," Connor answered seriously.

"I'll get out of your way, though," Jude said.

"Thank you."

Connor kissed him again and then Jude left the miniscule room behind. He went down to his car alone and when he finally got into the driver's seat, he took just a moment to sit behind the steering wheel and take a breath. He'd only met Connor in September and the way that Connor had come to be so deeply intertwined actually amazed him. Jude didn't know what to do and he knew that Connor would need time to recover from the weekend that they'd just had and so, Jude too, would have time to think.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **So Far Gone**_ **by Thousand Foot Krutch. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	39. Near To You

Jude picked up his cell phone. "Hey, Taylor."

"Hey, yourself. What's been going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" Jude asked, frowning at his kitchen counter.

"You've gone totally silent on me. You haven't answered a single on of my texts since Friday. It's been almost a week."

"It's only Tuesday," Jude said. He put his phone on speaker and opened the front of his dishwasher. He needed something to do with his hands. "That's hardly a week."

"Yeah, well, you being quiet for that long is really weird. So, talk to me. Did something happen with Connor?"

"Not … not like you're thinking."

Taylor snorted. "You don't know what I'm thinking, Jude. Might as well just talk to me. You know you want to talk to me."

Jude shoved his plates into his cupboard. "Kind of. I'm confused as … as … There's no good comparison."

"Come on, talk to me, pretend I'm Dr. Phil."

"Old, bald, irrelevant …" Jude mused.

"That's beside the point, Jude," Taylor said, though she laughed. "What's going on with you?"

"Connor had a bad weekend. And he came over and we spent, like, two full days together."

"He spent the night?"

"Friday and Saturday. We slept together on the couch on Friday and he ended up in bed with me on Saturday –"

" _Ooh_?"

"No. Not like that. Not even _close_ to that. I love him, Taylor, and I mean that with all I have, but I realized that I want things that he's not going to be able to give me."

"Stuff like what?"

"Literally, he _thanked_ me for not falling in love with him." Jude shut the dishwasher door as hard as he could. "I want to fall in love."

"You did."

"I want him to love me back. It's not that I don't care, Taylor, it's that I didn't realize that sometimes it was going to be this _hard._ " Jude grabbed his phone and then sunk to the kitchen floor. "And I don't know what to do about it. It's not his fault. It's not like I _don't_ want to be with him, but he's not separate from those parts of him. And I knew that! I _knew_! I'm being so stupid."

"No, no," Taylor crooned. "Knowing it and experiencing it are different, I get that. That's not your fault. It's not his, either. You didn't tell him that you loved him, did you?"

"No," Jude said. "And, at this point, I really don't think that I should. I don't think I _could_ now, even if I tried. I … I … _Taylor_."

Her name came out as a plea. Jude wanted to know what to do. He wanted to have the answers and be cool and collected because he had managed to be so collected for Connor. If he didn't know what to do, he wanted Taylor to know. He wouldn't know how to vocalize what was happening to his mothers, because he knew what they would likely say. He knew how they would tell him to put himself first and to take his time. It would be Taylor who would understand what was happening best, because he thought that his mothers had forgotten what it was like to be twenty-one and feel the way that he was feeling. Hindsight gave good, if not entirely useless, advice.

"Okay, well, how much longer until he leaves for break?"

"Just over a week," Jude replied.

"Okay. So, here's what we're going to do: you're not going to make any major decisions for the next week. You're going to be fine. I know you are. Then, you're going to come home. You and I will sit in your room, I'll bring ice cream and beer, and we can build a blanket fort like we're six years old, and we'll talk it out. We can figure it out. And you and Connor can have your space. That way, you can see him again in January with a clear head and you'll have it all, or, you know, mostly figured out. You don't need to figure it out right now."

"I needed to hear that," Jude said. "Thank you."

"Tell me I'm the best friend you've ever had."

"You're the best friend I've ever had," Jude confirmed.

"Don't get so worked up," Taylor said. "It's going to be fine."

"I needed to hear that too," Jude said. "How've you been?"

"Sleepy. I think I should be studying for finals but … I really don't care. Words can't explain how much I don't care."

"You should try to care a little more," Jude said.

"I care about the important things. Like how my best friend and his boyfriend have been doing."

"I bet you were expecting something better."

"I was expecting the truth." Taylor sighed. "Come on, Judicorn, see if you can talk about something other than your relationship."

"How about the fact that you keep calling me 'Judicorn'?" he suggested.

"Whatever you want," Taylor agreed. "We can even talk about what kind of fabulous thing you're getting me for Christmas."

"Who says I'm getting you anything for Christmas?"

"Don't lie to me," Taylor sniffed.

"All right, all right, I'll get you something for Christmas. But you're going to have to give me ideas," Jude said, as if he were making a momentous sacrifice for her."

"I guess if you're really stuck you could get me a car or something. You know, just simple."

"Ha, yeah, right."

"Or there's a mixology book I've had my eye on …"

"That seems better," Jude said. "Gonna make me something?"

"Of course! What kind of a friend would I be if I didn't encourage your mild alcoholism in the face of a crisis?"

"Not funny," Jude said, and then he sighed.

"Mind stuck?" Taylor guessed.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm probably not any fun."

"Not that that's new. Hey, have you heard from Dylan since your birthday? We should try and do something while we're home over Christmas."

"No, I haven't really been talking to him. He's probably busy with his dad."

"No one's too busy for friends," Taylor said optimistically. "Besides, everyone needs a little mental break sometimes. _Right_?"

"Right." Jude nodded to himself and then stood up, feeling better. Taylor was right. He was probably just overreacting to a hard weekend. It wasn't as if he had stopped caring about Connor. Jude didn't think it was possible. He thought of Connor and a smile would just appear on his face. Jude thought he just needed time to think of how to talk to Connor about it. He wished it were as easy to bring up to Connor as it had been to Taylor, but it was the difference between a mountain and a mole hill.

"You'll be home soon. We'll figure it out. Unless you think this week is going to be hell if we don't figure it out now."

"No, no, of course not." Jude crossed to his shelf and looked at the photo strip of he and Connor in the photo booth. "I love him. I'm not going to apologize for that."

"Don't. I know you. And I'll never forgive you if you do."

" _You'll_ never forgive me?" Jude asked. He picked up the photo strip, all the while wondering if Connor would forgive him.

"Falling in love isn't bad. You told me you told Connor you thought you could love him. And you two are in a real relationship, not a sleep together and then disappear from each other's lives and then sleep together again. Because I've been in those kinds of relationships, where you agree to no feelings, and so if someone fell in love with me during one of those? Yeah, I'd be annoyed. That's not what you have."

"No." Jude tucked the photo strip in the picture frame again. "That's the opposite of what we have."

"Don't apologize. No one's in the wrong here, especially not you."

"You're right."

"I know I am. Do you think I've earnt my car yet?"

Jude laughed. "If I ever get rich and famous, definitely, you've earnt a car."

"Yes!" Taylor said, and Jude pictured her giving a fist pump. "I think I'd like bright pink."

"You'd drive around in a bright pink car?"

"Oh, yeah. It'd be beautiful. I'm thinking … diamond licence plate? Can you see it?"

"I can see you buying it yourself," Jude said.

"Don't rain on my parade. Maybe I'll have a really generous sugar daddy by then."

"Whatever you want, Taylor." Jude touched one of the spikes on his two little cacti, smiling to himself.

"A diamond studded Chihuahua?"

"I draw the line at purse dogs."

"Why? I won't make you carry her."

"You love to make me carry stuff."

"Maybe I won't trust you with my future dog. Who knows?" Taylor asked.

Jude knew. He'd been friends with her for too long not to know. He collapsed onto his couch and pulled the plaid blanket tightly around him. It still smelt of Connor, as he'd expected, and the scent of his boyfriend was comforting. He cocooned himself in the blanket and was content to listen to Taylor talk about her future with a confident air, even though she was focusing on houses with balconies and fancy dinner parties because that was what people with large houses did, and not how she was going to get there. She was confident about _something_ , at least, and Jude was happy to listen.

(-.-)

Connor stepped into the bookstore on campus. As always, there were a few students browsing around but it wasn't one of the busy times and so he slipped inside. The area that was full of the university clothing was tightly packed and Connor scurried through it to the school supplies area. He adjusted his bag over his shoulders and stood in front of the large selection of notebooks. His therapist had been trying to convince him to try journaling for a while now, and Connor had never felt fully convinced by it. He hadn't been sure what he could get out of writing down his thoughts and feelings for the day. He hated going through those feelings while they were happening; he didn't want to think back on them at rehash them when the day had finally ended.

Since the weekend, he'd reconsidered. If he'd been able to vent those feelings beforehand, in a more controlled way, then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. There was no way for him to know if that was true or not until he tried keep a diary, and he decided that trying couldn't hurt. The diary, itself, was not going to give him nightmares, and Connor would do anything to keep away from a weekend like the one he'd just had. He hated going through it. He didn't like that Jude had to go through it with him either, although Connor had to admit he did like how he could rely on Jude and how Jude hadn't let him down. He didn't think Jude could.

Connor browsed the notebooks, trying to find one that felt just right. Maybe he shouldn't have been so picky about his book, but what was the harm? He had the time and luxury to do so. If he didn't want a plain blue one, then he shouldn't have to settle because he had someone impatiently watching him from down the aisle, wondering what was so hard about deciding upon a certain brand when the food was the same. Connor also thought that if he were about to pour his most sacred thoughts into a book, he should like the book. He finally settled upon one that was probably too extravagant – leather bound with a tiny gold clasp that one could turn to lock the front of the notebook shut. The lock made him feel secure, and he walked up to the front counter, feeling confident in his notebook. He paid, his fingers shaking because of the exuberant attitude of the cashier, and then turned away, thinking of nothing but going home and trying to write something in it. He didn't talk to Dr. Scott for another few days, but he wanted at least two notebook entries for when his appointment came up.

He kept his book clutching in his hand and he made it out of the bookstore before he heard his name behind called. He turned slightly, seeing Jake come up to him.

"Hey, Connor!"

"Hi," Connor said, unable to find the same amount of enthusiasm Jake had.

"How've you been?"

"Studying," Connor said.

"Looking forward to break then?" Jake guessed, an easy-going smile on his face.

"Yeah," Connor said, nodding half-heartedly. He really wasn't looking forward to break because there was going to be so much more new things to deal with, and he was going to miss Jude. He was going to miss their nights doing homework and making dinner. He knew that he wouldn't be away from his boyfriend for long, and part of him was looking forward to finding out about his mother, but Connor liked how he and Jude were so much that it was hard to imagine changing them, even for a short while. "You?"

"So excited. I'm actually going with Amy to her place this year instead of seeing my parents. But, it's fine, because we're spending New Year's-ish with mine, so it's not like I'm going to see them at all."

"Sounds like a fair compromise."

"We should try and hang out before we leave for break. My exams are done in, like, two days."

"Lucky you."

"You'll survive," Jake said confidently. "Amy and I were going to see some movies tomorrow night. You know how there's theme night movies on campus?"

Connor nodded, remembering when he and Jude had gone. He wondered if that counted as their first date. He hadn't thought of it as a date at the time, so he didn't think it did.

"You and Jude are welcome to come. We can make it that double date we talked about."

"Uh … I'd have to talk to Jude."

"Do that. Text me?"

"Okay."

Connor didn't move as Jake said goodbye and then continued on into the bookstore. A double date? Could he go? Did he want to go? He forced himself to start on his way home, fiddling with his phone as he walked. Finally, he decided to just _call_ Jude; they could figure it out together.

"Hey, baby."

"What're you doing?" Connor asked.

"Trying to get out of bed so I can go get groceries. Why? What are you doing?"

"On my way home. I was at the bookstore."

"By a book?"

"Yes. But … I just saw Jake. He … asked us to go with him and Amy. To the movies tomorrow. I … I'm supposed to text him after I talked to you."

"What movie?"

"The ones on campus."

"A couple of Christmas movies," Jude said. "Very festive. It might be a fun night. Are you calling because you want to go? I'm free."

"I know. I …" Connor hesitated, opening his building's door and giving himself a moment to think. "I … liked hanging out with them, last time. I like them."

"Break's starting soon, so you won't get to see them until next term. Look, it's three movies. We'll do what we did last time. If it's too much of a night, we say one movie's our limit. No harm there."

Connor took a deep breath, trying to get his huffs under control after jogging up eleven flights of stars. "You're … too smart for me, Jude."

"Ha!" Connor heard the creak of Jude's bed as he moved around. "But, thank you."

"Do you want to go?" Connor asked.

"Yes. But if you do. Don't make anyone else your deciding factor."

"I'm not a child," Connor said. "I, um, I know how to think."

"Sorry. It's hard to know when you like the reminder and when I'm just being a mother hen."

"If I'm on the verge of crying, I could probably use the reminder. Right now, though, I'm just unsure. But … it can't hurt to try to go. If it goes terribly, then I don't have to see them for a while, right?"

"I love the optimism."

Connor's stomach twisted. He was coming to hate that word more and more. _Love_ ; the thought of it made him shudder.

"So, tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow. I'm supposed to text Jake. And then, I guess, I'll text you."

"It'll be fun. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, Jude. See you tomorrow."

Connor sent off a text to Jake before pulling out his desk and dragging his desk chair over from where it usually perched against the wall. He had just started in on making himself something to eat when his phone buzzed. Four-thirty. Jake wanted to meet at four-thirty. He took a few moments to sort out plans for tomorrow and then he put his phone away. He wanted a moment alone. He put his sandwich on one side of his desk, found one of his nicer pens, and then sat down with his journal. He stared at the elegant cover, wondering what to write, wondering where to start with what he wanted to write. His therapist had never advised him about this, saying only that a journal was for him to write down whatever was weighing in his mind. Everything seemed to be weighing on his mind, except for right now, when he was thinking about it. Now, his mind was empty. Surprisingly so. He would have liked it, were he not trying to summon something important to mind.

He took a bite out of his sandwich and then reverently opened the front of his journal. There was always one thing that was important to him, above all else. He wrote the date in the corner of the page, and then he started to write down everything that he could remember about his mother. She was one memory he knew he would never want to lose.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Near To You**_ **by A Fine Frenzy. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	40. Happily Ever After

Connor was already standing outside in the parking lot when Jude pulled in, parking Gerald as close he could manage to the front doors, and then jumping out.

"Hey, baby."

"Hi." Connor reached for Jude's hand. "How are you?"

"I'm good." Jude kissed his lips. "Do you have any plans for the thirteenth?"

"No. That's the day before my dad comes."

"Right. I think I found a date for us to go on. If you'd like to."

"I'd like to." Connor swung their hands. "What is it?"

"A surprise. Where I'll also be giving you your Christmas present."

"You didn't have to –"

"I wanted to," Jude interrupted him. "I _want_ to."

"Thank you."

"Which will mean more if you actually like it."

"I will. We should go. We don't want to be late."

Connor swung their hands between them as they walked. Half a dozen times, when he thought he saw someone looking at them oddly, he considered dropping Jude's hand. He didn't want people looking at him like that. He didn't want them to think offensive thing about him or about Jude. He didn't want them to think about him or Jude at all. But every time he reflexively went to loosen his hand, thinking that Jude wouldn't want to be known in conjunction with him anyway, he thought of how Jude's face would look when he let go. And, so, he held on.

"Jude, you're … happy, right?"

"Yes," Jude said, looking over to him and smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"I just wanted to make sure. I like hearing it. You make me happy too, you know?"

"You're very cute." Jude squeezed his hand and Connor tried to think about that instead of anything else.

There were a surprising amount of people that were heading toward the movie theatre and Connor started to worry about finding seats, as the theatre was first come, first serve when came to tickets and the line was starting to grow. He was relieved that, when they spotted Jake and Amy standing just to the left of the front doors, Amy was clearly clutching tickets in her hand.

"Hey!" Amy said. "We grabbed tickets, 'cause that line was already a mess when we got here."

"Thanks. How much do we owe you?" Jude asked.

"You can grab the snacks," Jake said, "and then we'll call it even."

"That sounds fair," Connor agreed.

"But I think seats are the priority."

It seemed everyone was in agreement with Amy. They headed into the auditorium, flashing their tickets at the frazzled looking doorman.

"Where would you like to sit?" Jake asked.

"I always like sitting up in back," Jude said. "I feel like less people are in my way."

"As long as it's not the front row, I don't care," Amy said.

"Back it is!" Jake declared.

Jake and Amy ascended the stairs first. Jude gestured for Connor to go ahead, but Connor paused.

"Thank you."

Jude shrugged. "What? I like sitting in the back."

"Thank you," Connor repeated.

"You're welcome, baby. Now, start walking or they'll think we just used them for tickets."

Jude was joking, and so Connor grinned. He led the way up the stairs, all the way to the top. Jake and Amy had only been able to find seats in the middle of the wall. Connor had to think for a moment, but he would prefer to be stuck between Jake and Jude than whatever stranger might take the empty seat that would be beside Jude. He slipped in the aisle, cringing every time he had to brush up against someone's leg, even though it only happened twice and had barely lasted for a single moment, even when it did occur. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was able to drop into the seat next to Jude.

"Did we want to try and get snacks before the first movie?" Jude asked, resting against the arm that separated his and Jude's chair.

"Second movie?" Amy said, looking at Jake. "I'm not hungry right now."

"Me either. Unless you two want something?" Jake agreed.

"I can wait," Connor said, even though his mouth was watering at the thought of popcorn. He wanted something to snack on.

"Cool, after the second one it is."

Jake and Amy started to making small talk with Jude. Connor stayed mostly quiet, only laughing awkwardly when Amy said that she hoped he didn't get sick again. Connor was relieved when the first Christmas movie started, which, surprisingly, was _Home Alone_.

"I love the classics," Jake sighed.

The lights dimmed and Connor tried to focus on the movie and not the sounds of people snacking on popcorn. When he and Jude went to get snacks, he was going to get a large bag of movie popcorn and cover it in butter. He wondered if Jude would help him snack on it. Even if he didn't, he knew Jude wouldn't mind his craving and wouldn't suggest that he and Jude get something different, that they _both_ wanted to share. Knowing Jude, he would likely think it cute that Connor wanted a large bag of popcorn. Jude tended to think he was cute. Not that Connor understood that, but he also didn't want to dissuade Jude from liking him. He wanted to keep Jude close.

Halfway through the movie, Jake and Amy ended up half in one another's laps. Connor thought they were making out, but he didn't look over and confirm that. He didn't really think that _Home Alone_ was a movie that people should make out to. He shifted closer to Jude, who sought out his hand. Connor looked at it for a second, then decided he didn't _want_ to hold Jude's hand. Instead, he put his arm around Jude's shoulders, and Jude snuggled into him. They watched the rest of the movie like that, and then, the moment that there was even a hint of the credits, Jude sat up and leant over Connor.

"We're going to try and beat the snack lines. Text Connor what you'd like."

Jake gave a thumbs up, and then Jude and Connor slipped out of the aisle and hustled down the stairs. Many others had the same kind of idea and, though they had tried to get ahead of the line, there were many others in line.

"We won't miss the beginning of the next movie," Jude promised Connor.

"I'm not too worried about it." Connor's phone buzzed and he checked his texts. "They would like … large nachos, an extra large Coke, and a bag of gummy worms. Or bears. Or whatever is there that's gummy-like."

"Ooh, I like the way they think. I want some gummy bears. Do you want share some?"

"I was thinking I'd get some popcorn. I've been wanting some ever since we walked in."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jude asked, moving a step forward in line. "We could have gotten some before the first movie."

"I didn't want to be annoying. No one else was hungry."

Jude glanced at him and Connor saw that look on his face, but then Jude heaved a sigh. "Okay, baby. Well, we'll get popcorn now. Do you think I could convince you to trade some gummies for some popcorn?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Jude grinned at him and they shuffled forward again.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Always, baby."

"When we came here the first time … Did you have a crush on me, then?"

"Of course. I had a crush on you before I talked to you. You know that." Jude wrapped his arm around Connor's waist and held him close. "When we were watching _Carrie,_ you held my arm through all the scary parts. And I went into teenaged angst mode and was sad that you'd only ever hold my arm and never my hand. I was … so sad and so annoying."

"Really? I can't picture that."

"Sarcasm hurts."

"But you're being sarcastic."

"I didn't say I wasn't a hypocrite."

"You know … I was only scared once during _Carrie,_ " Connor admitted. "I didn't want to let go of you. I didn't really know why. I mean, I don't think I _wanted_ to know why. I was scared of liking you."

"Are you still scared?"

"Sometimes. Getting less so."

They were almost next in line.

"Do you want anything other than popcorn, baby? It was early when the first movie started, so it's not like we've got dinner."

"Uh … How do you think hot dogs are at a movie theatre?"

"As awful and awesome as everything is at a movie theatre."

"One with the works sounds good."

"Cool, got it."

Jude stepped up to the counter.

"Oh, no, don't pay for everything," Connor said. "Let me."

"It doesn't matter."

'It does," Connor said. "You're taking me out next time. I don't want things to be unfair."

"Thanks, Connor."

"So, what do you want?" Connor asked.

Jude gave his order to the counter woman and then Connor recited the rest of their rather large order to her. It took both of them, and some artful balancing, to get the food for the four of them back into the auditorium. They walked slowly up the stairs, and Connor was terrified of someone bumping into them and sending their snacks crashing to the floor. It didn't happen, but it was enough to make him completely anxious by the time that they were back in their seats and sorting out what belonged to who.

"We were getting worried you got run over in the crowd," Amy joked.

"Close to it. They're going to mob soon."

"The bathroom lines are probably a mess," Amy whined. She glared at Jake out of the corner of her eye. "If I hear one thing about guys have it easier, I'm not touching you later."

Connor shifted uncomfortably, again. It was a simple enough threat and had probably been made in many relationships. It still made him uncomfortable. He didn't think physicality should be held over anyone's head. It was hard enough to imagine that kind of love being freely given and happily reciprocated instead of being one-sided and too harsh for the other. Connor looked at Jude, who tossed one of his gummy bears into Connor's popcorn bag before taking a few pieces. Jude would never force him to do anything. Jude didn't even _want_ to have sex, and Connor thought he was selfish for being grateful for that.

"How's the theatre hot dog?" Jude asked.

Connor picked a crisp white onion off the edge of his hotdog bun and popped it in his mouth. He'd always liked the sharp taste of onions. "Better than expected."

"Glad you like it."

The second movie popped up, which was the fairly new remake of _The Grinch Who Stole Christmas_. Connor liked it, though he didn't really think that anything could compare to the version that he had grown up with. He finished his hot dog and then placed the garbage under his chair, though he always felt guilty about doing that. He'd never forgotten to collect his trash from the theatre, but he was always paranoid that he would make someone else clean up after him. He settled in to watch the Grinch steal gifts. This time, he ended up tucked underneath of Jude's arm, leaning against his shoulder. They shared popcorn and gummies. After the second movie, Connor felt like he was ready to go, but he wasn't willing to run out on Jake and Amy again. Not after what he had done the first time that they were together. And so, while Amy went off to find a bathroom, he, Jake, and Jude sat and talked about plans for Christmas break. Connor felt like he was on the outside of the conversation, since he knew what Jake and Connor were doing. He was glad when Amy came back. Jude and Jake were awkward with one another. Connor didn't think that they disliked one another, but they didn't know each other. Amy was a little more extroverted and a little more unfiltered; conversation just seemed to roll easier when she was around.

"You're so lucky to be going to New York. Going somewhere for break is always more fun."

"Hey, you're going to have me this year!" Jake said.

"I stand by what I said."

"I like going home," Jude said. "I miss spending time with all of my family. But, you know, nothing wrong with a family vacation either."

Connor could think of a lot that could go wrong on his family vacation, but he was really going to try and be optimistic. If he left being pessimistic, then he was only going to see things negatively. At least, that was what Dr. Scott had said last week. He was going to try optimism. Or at least, he was going to try _being_ optimistic. He didn't think he could maintain that mental perspective for too long but if it helped at all then it would be worth it.

The lights dimmed for the third movie and Connor sighed in relief. It was an old, black and white film. He tucked himself under Jude's arm again and focused on getting to the end of the movie. His social battery had been entirely drained, and he wanted nothing more than to get back to his room. He hoped he could make a speedy escape when it was all over.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Happily Ever After**_ **by He Is We (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	41. On My Shoulder

"Bye!" Jake and Amy called.

"Bye!" Jude responded, while Connor just waved.

As soon as they two couples had turned their backs on one another, Connor slumped. Jude reached his hand out and rubbed gently between Connor's shoulders. "You okay?"

"Tired." Connor shrugged. "It felt like a longer night than it was."

"Well, three movies is a lot," Jude said.

"I like Jake and Amy but …"

"But you can't be around friends all the time. Sometimes, you're just not in the mood."

"Exactly." Connor reached up and took Jude's hand, swinging it between them as they walked. He was glad Jude understood him. Jude understood him so well that they stayed silent as they walked across campus in the cooling night air. When the nano parking lot came into view and Connor could see Gerald, he tugged on Jude's hand. "So … was this your only plan for tonight?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well, last time I went grocery shopping, I found some mango tea. It's really good. Do … Would you want to come up and try some?"

"I thought you were tired."

"You're not draining," Connor said. "You don't count."

"I've never been so glad to not count before."

Connor stopped walking, pulling Jude to a stop with him. "I … I, um, you know that wasn't how I meant it."

"I know. I'd love to try some tea. As long as you promise it's good."

"I promise!"

Jude kissed his forehead and they went inside, taking the elevator with three other people who went to floor nine. Connor lurked in the elevator corner behind Jude until they were alone together.

"You look like you've never seen another person before," Jude teased, leaning on the rail next to Connor. "Do you usually wear an invisibility cloak or something when you're in the elevator?"

"I usually take the stairs."

"Eleven flights?!"

"Uh-huh."

The door dinged open and Connor led Jude into the hall.

"You do that every day? How many times a day?"

"It depends. Sometimes it's three or more. Sometimes I don't leave my room at all during the day." Connor paused in front of his door and turned his backpack on his shoulder to fish for his key.

"You make me tired," Jude said. "Like, _physically_ , tired."

"I'm sorry." Connor pulled his key out and unlocked the door. "I cleaned up since the last time you were here."

Connor opened the door and let Jude inside. Connor shut the door and then shifted uncomfortably. He couldn't go through his ritual of locking the door and checking the bathroom and window if Jude was here, could he? Yes. He could. It was Jude, and Connor could be himself in front of Jude. He locked the door, flicked the bathroom light on, and then managed to slip by Jude in order to check if the window was still locked. He glanced at Jude, who was awkwardly trying to find a good place to stand in the small room. Connor took a deep breath and cracked the window open slightly. He knew his room got too stuffy. He just couldn't bring himself to open the window when he was alone. He wasn't sure what he thought was out there or how he thought something was going to get in through the window, but he wasn't willing to risk it when he was alone.

"Um, there's no where really to sit but the bed," Connor said. He had his desk chair, but no one could really access it when his bed was down, and then, one of them would have to sit on the floor.

"You don't mind me sitting there?"

"Not if you sit at the end where my feet go."

"Done," Jude said. He sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his legs close to him so that Connor could move freely in the narrow space.

Connor pulled out his kettle from one of the top cupboards, but he had to rush to put away his dishes and place his drying rack in his sink so that he would have counter space for his kettle to sit and begin to boil.

"You know," Jude said, "I like your room."

"Why? It's small."

"Isn't that why you like it?" Jude said. "I just meant that it's very cozy."

"I like your apartment better," Connor admitted. "It feels more like a home."

"Well, I've lived there a little longer. You think you're going to keep the room next year?"

"I'm going to try. I don't mind living on campus. I don't want to move. And buying furniture seems annoying."

"It's half frustrating, half fun. I liked looking for furniture and trying to decorate, but it's more fun buying weird items like a coat stand than trying to find a mattress that's going to fit perfectly in a wall alcove. I didn't want to buy a queen bed but I also didn't want to not fit in the space. That would have annoyed me."

"Me too." The kettle boiled and Connor quickly put tea bags into two mugs. He went to pour the water and then stopped, realizing that he had never made Jude _tea_ before. "Do you like milk and sugar in your tea?"

"What do you think?"

"I think fruit teas taste better black."

"Then I trust you on that. I don't usually drink teas that often. Just a cup with Lena every now and then."

"Then I really hope you like this."

Connor placed the first mug in Jude's hand. Jude held it carefully, balancing it on his thigh so he didn't have to hold on to the heated ceramic. Connor sat on the bed, closer to his pillows.

"Did you like Jake and Amy?" Connor asked.

"Yeah. Amy's pretty loud though."

"Yeah. She can remind me of Taylor, in some ways. Do you think that's fair of me to say?"

"I can see where you're coming from," Jude said, and Connor was relieved that he'd agreed. "But she seems like a good person."

"I think they both are," Connor said. "I'm glad Jake talked to me."

"More than you're glad I talked to you?"

Connor laughed. "You know I don't like anyone the way I like you. I've _never_ liked anyone the way I like you."

Jude beamed and took his first sip of his tea. "This is really good!"

"I'm glad you like it," Connor said, honestly relieved.

"And I'm glad to have finally met your friends," Jude added. "I'm glad you have them."

Connor nodded, taking his first, long drink of his tea even though it was still hot enough to burn the back of his throat.

"What's that face?"

"Sometimes, they make me uncomfortable," Connor admitted.

"How so?"

"Like today, when Amy said she wasn't going to touch Jake later if he said something. I know that's mostly normal and I know she didn't mean anything by it. It just sounds bad to _me_. Because … because I can't really picture any kind of … sexual contact being good for both people. Does that make sense? Sex, to me, is it being what one person wants and the other person just kind of deals with it and doesn't really like it. It doesn't seem like it could be equal. At the risk of sounding really stupid, I think the phrase 'making love' is a lie. There's no love in sex. There _can't_ be."

Connor couldn't look at Jude after his outburst and so he focused on his tea, dunking the tea bag up and down.

"I want to believe you're wrong," Jude said. "I know that was your experience and I don't blame you for your perspective, but I think that it's possible to like sex. I think there's a certain intimacy that can be found in it that two people can really share. That's why I'm still a virgin, because I haven't gotten to that point where I thought I wanted to share that with someone."

"Am I selfish for saying I'm glad you feel like that?" Connor asked, finally looking up at Jude. He took a quick gulp of his tea and added, "It's some kind of relief that you don't think about sex."

"Oh, I think about sex," Jude corrected.

Connor screwed up his nose for a moment before becoming aware of what he was doing and dropping the expression. "Should I ask?"

Jude laughed. "Only if you want to. I don't have a whole lot of weird thoughts about it. And I think it crosses everyone's mind every once in a while. _And_ , anyone who has a boyfriend who's as hot as you has to think about it a little more often."

Connor looked down at his tea and took another drink, trying to give some space between Jude's words and Connor's thoughts, which were spinning too quickly. Unfortunately, he had run out of tea. He stretched and placed his mug on his small counter. He had nothing to do with his hands now and he just fiddled with the front of his shirt.

"Want to come sit next to me?" Jude offered.

Connor wasn't about to turn that down and he moved along his skinny mattress so that he and Jude were sitting shoulder to shoulder. "What do you mean by think of it a little more?"

"Uh …" Jude's cheeks turned red and Connor understood.

"Oh! You … You don't have to answer that, I guess. I don't know if I want to know."

Jude laughed, but it was awkward. "Nothing weird, I promise."

"I already feel weird."

Jude laughed again and kissed Connor's temple.

"If we're being honest," Connor said, "I've had dreams about you."

"Oh really?" Jude said it in an over-exaggerated, seductive way and quirked his eyebrows, and so Connor was able to laugh, which took away some of the awkwardness.

"I always wake up before they get too far. I don't think I want them to get too far. But, I've had them. Because it's only recently I've started not waking up and hating myself for having them because it's you and sex. Not to say that I don't want to have sex with you. But not to say that I do. Oh, and we're sitting in a bed. I …" Connor took a deep inhale. Jude looked amused, which kept Connor from overreacting _too_ badly. "Can I try that again?"

"Sure. Reset." Jude pushed his mug onto the counter next to Connor's. "I liked the mango tea, by the way."

"Good." Jude settled back into his spot and Connor picked up his hand. He thought more carefully about what he'd been trying to express before, and then let out a long sigh. "Okay. Here it goes. I don't want to have sex with anyone. I don't know if I'll _want_ to ever have sex again. With everything I went through, that's why the dreams kind of make me uncomfortable. The other reason is because of him, because it's always because of him, and I don't really know if I can go into detail about that. But, I am … attracted to you. If I were normal when I met you, I'd probably already be the one trying to pressure you."

Jude laughed louder than Connor thought he would. "Sorry, baby, just knowing you, I can't imagine you trying to pressure anyone to do anything."

"That's why I said, _if I were normal_."

"You're mostly normal. And your quirks are cute."

"Like the nightmares?"

"I wouldn't call nightmares a quirk." Jude slid his arm around Connor's waist, and then froze. "Should I not touch you?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Sometimes conversations about the physical make you _quirky_."

Connor rested his fingers along Jude's jawline and gently guided him in for a kiss. His arm tightened around Connor's side. The conversation they'd just had made Connor feel a little shy about kissing Jude and it was only a short kiss.

"You don't want to have sex?" Connor asked.

"No. Not right now. Do you want me to be honest?"

"Yes. It's the one thing I always trust you on. Not that I don't trust you on other things, but that's the one thing I always feel like I can trust you on."

"Well, that's a good thing to always trust me on. So, in the spirit of honesty, I haven't been thinking about _sex_ , per se, but I've been thinking more about other physical things. You touching me, me touching you … It's not something I'd ask you for, because I know we're not there yet, and that's okay."

"I told you once if you really wanted me to do something, you could ask and I would. I could make myself be okay with it. I'm used to that. _But_ , I can't imagine you asking."

"I wouldn't."

"Just out of curiousity, though, if you were going to ask for something for me to do, what do you think you'd pick?"

"Hmm."

Jude tugged at the side of Connor's button-up and an odd string of fear shot through Connor's stomach. Jude could say anything, and Connor worried it would change how he viewed Jude. He was already worried about what this conversation was going to do once he was alone and had time to _really_ think about it.

"I think … I'd ask you to take this off more."

"What?"

"And hang out in a t-shirt."

" _What_?"

"What do you mean 'what'?"

"I just thought you'd ask for something else."

"Anything else would make you too uncomfortable and that'd make me uncomfortable. This, you've done before, you just don't do it often. Plus, your arms are always good fantasy material."

"Fantasy?" Connor repeated. "Um … Do you think about me while you're … I mean, if you … at all."

For all the things Connor had been able to say tonight that he normally would have been uncomfortable saying, 'masturbation' was not something that he thought he'd ever be able to verbalize in front of Jude. In some ways, the thought of Jude doing that was something he didn't want in his head. In other ways, the thought intrigued him. Not enough to want to know the details. At least, not right now.

"Yeah, sometimes … Especially after watching you in the batting cages 'cause that was just something my brain was not prepared for. Was that too weird?"

Connor laughed, letting it wash over him and erase the unease. Jude started to laugh with him and, even though nothing particularly funny had been said, they still ended up heaving for breath with giggles still escaping their lips.

"This whole conversation was weird."

"I'm glad we're able to talk about stuff like that, though. Don't you feel better for it?"

"I can trust you," Connor said. "I know that."

He undid the few buttons on the front of his plaid shirt and went to pull it off. Jude stopped him.

"Can I do it?"

"Should I ask why?"

"You could probably guess if you needed to."

Connor smirked at that, and then he shook his head. "I … don't think I could let you. I think it'd just be too much."

"That's okay," Jude said.

Connor shrugged it off his shoulders though. He'd never thought too much about the lack of taking over his button-ups lately. He knew that he could do so in front of Jude but it never seemed like something that he _had_ to do. He hadn't though Jude had talked too much about it. He folded the button up over his forearm and then placed it on his pillow.

"I don't know what's so interesting about arms," Connor said.

"Arm muscles are really the point," Jude said. "You have really nice biceps."

"When we come back from Christmas break, we should go back to the batting cages," Connor suggested.

"You want to show off for me?" Jude teased. "Because I mentioned I liked you at the batting cages and you immediately said you wanted to go and …"

"I liked being there. You need some work on your skills anyway."

"I think my skills are kind of hopeless."

"Probably."

"But I'll go with you."

"Thank you."

Jude pulled Connor against him, so that Connor's back was against his side. He slowly ran his hands up and down Connor's arms. It was a soothing touch and even though they were sitting in a bed, Connor knew that Jude wasn't going to push him down. They were just going to sit like they were, and it was going to be nice and sweet.

"Hard to believe break is here soon. My dad's going to be landing a week from tomorrow."

"Break will be fun, baby, I believe it."

"If you keep saying it, I might start believing it too." Connor rested his head against Jude's shoulder, exposing his neck. He immediately straightened his head up. No. Even though Jude's hands were on his arms with no hint of stopping their gentle exploration of Jude's skin, Connor couldn't risk it.

Jude's thumb was on his forearm scar and it brought a few things to the front of Connor's mind. They were things from his past that he never wanted to think about and particularly didn't want to think about after a conversation about sex, particularly about sex with Jude. Someone who _wasn't_ his ex. Jude didn't try anything, Connor knew he wasn't going to. He tried to let himself relax against Jude.

"Is there anything I should know about your dad before I meet him?"

"Nothing you don't already know, I think. He _wants_ to like you. I think he already does, as much as he can without seeing you in person." Connor caught one of Jude's hands in his own and held it. "He knows you make me happy and that means something to him. But he thought I was happy last time too and, even though circumstances are really different, don't be surprised if he's suspicious of you."

"I'd be surprised if he _wasn't_ ," Jude said. "Knowing what I know."

He wrapped both of his arms around Connor's stomach and held Connor tightly. It was the type of thing that, in theory, Connor thought that he would hate. The idea of being so close to someone and having them squeeze him. But, in practice – with Jude, at least – he found that he liked it a lot.

"Is there anything specific you want me to tell him?"

"That you haven't said?" Jude teased. "No. I think we'll be fine."

"Do you think you're going to like him?"

"Sure. I don't think I'll dislike him," Jude said. "But one dinner isn't a lot to get to know someone and I don't think I need to tell you how hard it is to truly like someone after one meeting."

"I liked your moms."

"Yeah, but you like them a lot better now that you've seen them again, right?"

Connor had to agree. He and Jude lapsed into silence, but Connor found that relaxing too. Jude was poking around Connor's abdomen with two fingers, careful not to stray too close to Connor's neck or too close to the waist of his jeans. The touch was strange. It was foreign, to have someone touch him as a comforting thing and not to have it lead somewhere. He snuggled into Jude's side and surprised himself with a yawn.

"Should I let you get to bed?" Jude asked. "Or do you want me to stay with you?"

Connor could hear the hope in Jude's voice and while he didn't _hate_ the thought of falling asleep next to Jude, he knew that he couldn't. It wasn't time for that yet. "In a single bed? We wouldn't be happy."

"We don't know that," Jude said. "But I can take a hint."

Connor sat up so that Jude could scoot to the edge of the bed and stand up.

"It was a good night," Jude said.

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "It was.

"And don't forget our date next week."

"I won't," Connor promised.

He shuffled after Jude to his front door. He kissed Jude before Jude could open the door. Jude's arm snaked around his back and held him close, and Connor didn't want to let him go. He wanted to cling to Jude and spend the night feeling like he had when they were cuddling just a few moments ago. Connor knew better. He knew that if he tried to preserve that feeling, he would end up falling apart. He couldn't think about falling asleep next to Jude in a bed, especially one that was so small. It wasn't something he was ready to try, and he knew that, but for the first time, he felt a little impatient with himself. He wanted to be normal. He wanted them to be like any other couple, who could do things like that when they wanted to.

"Night, baby."

"Goodnight, Jude. Text me when you get home safe."

"I will."

Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's forehead, and then he left. Connor locked his dorm door behind him and, then he dressed for bed. He sat on his bed and he could still smell faint traces of Jude's deodorant and body wash. Feeling a little embarrassed with himself, Connor turned his blanket around so that the scent of Jude was closer to him. He settled back against his pillows and waited to hear his phone chime so that he would know Jude was home safe. Connor busied his tired mind with smoothing out his comforter across his legs. His mind kept drifting between Jude and their upcoming winter break.

 **Jude: I'm home**

 **Connor: okay. Goodnight**

 **Jude: Night, baby**

Connor plugged in his phone to charge while he slept and then he laid down against his pillows. For a moment, before sleep overtook him, he wished that Jude had stayed next to him.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **On My Shoulder**_ **by Westlife. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	42. Out Of Reach

Connor woke up early on Saturday morning, but that wasn't unusual for him. He slowly went through his morning routine of making his bed and then putting it away to pull out his desk. He went to shave and get dressed, and then he returned to the main part of his room, looking for breakfast. He put bread in his small oven to toast and then quickly cut up an orange. He put his laptop on his desk and opened it. Normally, at this part of the day, he would check his e-mail, though there was never much there, and then he would read some news until his breakfast was gone. After that, he would move onto homework. It was his routine, and he was rather attached to it. Today, he had to go and look for recipes. Jude was going to be back from his concert later, and Connor had promised him dinner, with a new recipe.

Connor had no idea what he was going to make Jude.

He opened his favourite recipe website, and then he checked on his toast. He pulled it out and spread one piece with peanut butter and another with his favourite strawberry jam. With his breakfast ready, he started looking at recipes. Something new. He had promised. He didn't want to pick out something that he would get really wrong and ruin dinner entirely. He wanted something that he could get right. At least, mostly right. He knew it wouldn't be perfect. He tried not to let it bother him too much. Jude would understand.

Connor was tempted by easy things. Pastas, marinated chicken, sweet shrimp. Nothing seemed right. He kept coming back to a salmon recipe. He didn't like to cook fish, but fish was the reason that Jude had requested something new. Connor knew that it was something he was going to have to make. _Chili lime salmon_. He opened the recipe. It didn't look _too_ hard, but he still wasn't feeling confident about making it. He sent the recipe to himself for when he went grocery shopping and then set about figuring out what you were supposed to _eat_ with salmon.

Did Jude even like asparagus?

It seemed like something that Connor should know, given how much he cooked for Jude, but it hadn't come up yet. Asparagus was something else that Connor didn't usually cook with. Couldn't he just cook with spinach instead? Connor knew what to do with spinach. But in addition to the salmon and the asparagus, potatoes were recommended, and Connor thought his potatoes always came out fairly well. He could do it. For Jude. And Jude had already been warned that this meal wasn't going to be among Connor's best.

Connor packed his backpack and left his room. He had to triple-check that he had locked the door. He felt like there was something leaning over his shoulder. He knew it was all in his head. If he hadn't been uneasy about the dinner, then he wouldn't feel as if he were being followed as he made his way down to the bike locker and pulled out his bike. He checked that his basket was attached properly and pulled his bike out the parking lot, putting his helmet on.

Grocery shopping.

He could grocery shop.

He made sure to lock his bike outside of the super market near Jude's apartment, and then he went in, joining the throng of shoppers. Despite the crowded Saturday morning atmosphere, he liked grocery shopping with other people. He liked the elderly couples, who had to buy two different loaves of bread. He liked the mothers who were cooing at babies in the carts and he liked the dads who carried their toddlers on their shoulders. And he empathized with the new university students who didn't know how to eat without their parents' assistance and who haunted the frozen food aisles, as if someone would appear and offer them guidance on what brand of chicken nuggets would benefit them the most. Despite his odd affection for his fellow shoppers, he did his best to stay out of their way. The last thing he wanted was to brush shoulders with them or be intrusive.

His shopping basket filled quickly, and Connor worried about getting all of it to fit in his bike basket to take to Jude's. His backpack was against his back and, even though Connor didn't like to stuff it with groceries, he knew that it wouldn't hurt to do so if he had to. He went through the self-checkout and went back out to his bike. He was just organizing his produce and other items that shouldn't be battered in his bag when he heard a voice behind him.

"Hey, don't I know you?"

The voice didn't sound familiar to Connor, but he straightened up and turned around. The _face_ was definitely familiar to Connor.

"N-n-n-not really," Connor said. "I, um … You w-w-w-ork with J-Jude."

"I know what I do," Jason said. "Oh. You're Jude's butt buddy."

Connor wanted to hide away. He didn't like that term; it bothered him to hear his and Jude's relationship described so crudely. He and Jude weren't about sex. They barely talked about it and they definitely weren't doing anything close to having it. Connor didn't know how to express that to Jason. If he even should. He didn't think that Jude would care if it was known they weren't having sex, but Connor shuddered to think how his ex would feel if that news had gotten around – not that it ever would have been true – but he would have taken it as an insult to his ego.

"I, um, have to go," Connor whispered. "I have groceries."

"Isn't Jude on a trip this weekend?"

"He gets back today."

"You know, office gossip always said Benjamin had a thing for Jude," Jason said.

Connor started organizing his groceries again, angling his body so that his back wasn't to Jason. He couldn't leave himself vulnerable, and he didn't want Jason to think he was being rude either. He didn't know how Jason would react.

"I, um, try not to listen to gossip."

Jason made a 'tut' sound that was more typical of a disapproving mother and continued on, "Ben always implied some weird things happened on those trips. Rita never proved him wrong."

Connor quickly put the rest of his things in his bag and straightened up, putting his helmet on his hand. "I really have to go. It was nice seeing you again."

It wasn't, really, but Connor was a lot less brave when Jude was next to him. Jason didn't do anything to stop him and gave him a wave, turning to go inside. Connor secure his helmet, unlocked his bike, and off he went to Jude's. It was a short bike ride, and though Connor knew the length was good for his produce, it wasn't good for the amount of time that he needed to prepare himself. He walked his bike down Jude's hill. He knew that Jude let him in, he just wasn't able to talk to Jude to confirm that he was allowed in, like the last time he'd done this. He locked his bike and then, his fingers shaking, he opened the front door.

The apartment looked like it always did, like he expected it to. There was nothing surprising or out of place. He told himself to focus entirely on his task. It would be easier if he focused on his task. He carried in the groceries, locked the door, and opened the recipe on his laptop that he had carted over and set about cutting vegetables, preheating the oven, and seasoning things to what he hoped was perfection. Hesitant as he was about making fish, he relished in the new recipe. The distraction and focus it took was what he liked and, before he had realized that any time had passed at all, the front door was opening.

Connor's breath caught in his throat until Jude walked in, his bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hey, baby, it smells good in here."

"Thanks, Jude," Connor said. "It's not done yet, though, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Jude tossed his bag onto his bed and made his way into the kitchen. "It smells like it's going to be _really_ great."

"Thanks," Connor said.

Jude kissed his cheek. "How was your Friday night?"

"As you'd expect," Connor answered. "And the concert?"

"As you'd expect. I always forget that I'm too tall to sleep comfortably in a van until I try to sleep in a van again."

"Are you okay?"

"Sure. Just stiff. I'll stretch out tonight and be fine." Jude jumped up on the counter. "And Benjamin got so drunk Rita had to try and carry him back to the van 'cause Jeremy disappeared with some girl."

"You didn't help?"

"She insisted she didn't need it and he wouldn't let me touch him."

"Oh." Connor cracked open the oven and checked on the progress of his potatoes. Almost, but not quite. "Um … speaking of Benjamin … Could I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"I … I saw Jason at the, um, grocery store."

"Poor you. Ignore him. He's all bark and no bite."

"He said Benjamin liked you. He kind of hinted that you two hooked up before when you went to the concert." Connor glanced at Jude, and he thought Jude looked amused, but sometimes it was hard to tell, especially when he knew he was overthinking something.

"Did you believe him?"

"I don't think so. I think … you would've told me by now if you had. Because we've talked about it. I think I just want to hear you tell me."

"You're right to not believe him. Come here." Jude held out his hand and Connor took it, allowing Jude to pull him in until Jude could wrap his arm securely around Connor's shoulders. "Want to know a secret?"

"Um … only if you're supposed to tell it. Which doesn't sound much like a secret."

"It's only a secret from Jason."

"I don't really plan on talking to him much."

Jude laughed. "Didn't think so. Benjamin's asexual. But he told me if he was going to build a life someone, he'd prefer it to be a woman. So, if you were going to be worried about someone, Benjamin shouldn't even make the short list."

"The only person on my short list is Dylan," Connor grumbled, and then he clamped a hand over his mouth. He had _not_ meant to say that.

"I thought we talked about it. I thought you weren't worried about Dylan."

Connor pulled away from Jude to check on his salmon. What was it supposed to look like when it was done? He opened the cutlery drawer to search for Jude's meat thermometer.

"Connor?"

"You said if I was going to make a short list, Benjamin shouldn't be on it. I don't _have_ a list. I'm not worried. Mostly. But if I were going to be worried, it would be about Dylan. For every reason I've already told you."

There was the meat thermometer. He checked the appropriate temperature for fish and then neatly slid it into the side of one of the salmon fillets. Perfect. But had he timed the potatoes properly?

"You know, I haven't really talked to Dylan since my birthday."

"I guess I'm just insecure."

Of course he was.

"Is there anything I can do to help that?"

"No. It's not like you're doing anything wrong, Jude, and I know that. It's just a me problem." Connor took two plates out of the cupboard and paused. "Oh, are you hungry? I mean, it's done, but … but we don't have to eat now."

"No, it smells amazing," Jude said. "Let's taste-test."

"I got the rolls you like from the bakery," Connor added.

"Aww, really? I love … that you think of those things."

Connor carefully dished out portions onto their plates while Jude put out condiments and cutlery. Connor watched Jude pour tall drinks of water for the both of them. He hadn't meant to, but, for a moment, he thought of another man, in another kitchen, with other dinners he'd made. Since the kitchen had been Connor's domain, his ex had always gone out of his way to not do anything. He wouldn't have helped set the table and the only drinks that he'd pour would be alcoholic ones for himself. Connor couldn't imagine getting used to that life again. The life where his ex went out all day, working and doing whatever he pleased, and Connor stayed at home, cooking and cleaning and waiting for him to come back.

Oh.

"Do you think we'll need anything else for lunch?"

"No," Connor said, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. He was just overthinking things. "Let's eat."

They took their usual stools, and Connor thought about how he liked the fact that he had a usual stool, a usual place on the couch. He had little pieces of this place that was supposed to be just for Jude's, and he thought it should bring him more peace than it did.

"This is really good, Connor, I'm glad you tried making it."

Oh, the food! Connor hurriedly forked some of the fish and asparagus and tasted it. The flavours that exploded across his tongue weren't the ones that he was used to cooking with and he kept thinking that it was too out of the box. He should have gone for something a little safer. He didn't dislike it, but he didn't think it was going to be something that he would add to his list of regular recipes.

"It's not bad.

"I think it's great," Jude said, and Connor thought he was being generous. He kissed Connor's cheek and said, "Really. I can think of nothing better to come home to."

"Yeah," Connor said, realizing how pouty he sounded as he did so. He pushed a piece of fish to the edge of his plate. "Right."

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Connor said. "I guess … I guess I'm stressed. Dad's going to be here soon and that means I'm going to be leaving soon. I think it's bothering me."

"You'll be fine," Jude said, rubbing Connor's arm lightly. "It'll be great. You'll see."

Connor nodded. "We'll know soon. Um, why don't you tell me more about the concert?"

"Sure," Jude said.

Connor left the talking to Jude and picked at his food. Jude didn't have a _lot_ of stories from the night before, aside from a few of the drunken antics from his friends. It sounded like a fun, carefree evening, and Connor recognized a slight feeling of jealousy gnawing at him. He knew he couldn't have nights like that. He wouldn't ever be able to be in a crowd of people, pushing toward the front of a stage; he wouldn't ever be able to sleep in a van with a bunch of other people, half on top of one another. The fact that Jude could made him jealous, and the fact that Jude had gone when Connor could not made him uncomfortable, even though he didn't really think it should. Jude should be allowed to go out with friends – Connor had never cared before when it had been _Taylor_. He wondered if that was the difference. He wondered if it bothered him that Jude had been with boys this time. He couldn't help but think of when his ex had come home, saying that he'd found someone else because Connor just wasn't enough.

But that wasn't the case here. It couldn't be. Jude was with him, and Connor couldn't even convince himself that Jude was the type to be unfaithful.

"I hate to eat and run, but I have to get ready to go to work," Jude said. He rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "Are you going to be here when I come back?"

"Why?"

"Because I'd like to hang out with you some more, if you don't have something else to do. We can even pretend like we're going study for our exam. What do you think?"

"I'll clean up and get out of the way, I think," Connor said, standing from his place and gathering his and Jude's plates.

"You cooked, I can clean when I get home."

"It'll be sitting out for hours," Connor said. "I can't do that."

He started to rinse things in the sink and opened the dishwasher; it was nearly full. He would have to do most things by hand. Not that he would have been able to get away with putting most of his cooking things in the dishwasher anyway.

"Well, I feel bad about the amount you do around here when you don't live here," Jude said. "How can I make that up to you?"

"It's not a big deal, really. This is just … how it's supposed to be."

Connor found one of Jude's dishwasher pods, put it in, and started the machine.

"And what's that mean?"

"It just means that I'm supposed to stay inside and do these things and I _know_ that." He started filling the sink with water and soap, putting his frying pan into the warm water and scrubbing it with more force than necessary.

"No, you're supposed to do what is that you _want_ and what makes you _happy_ ," Jude corrected. "Which I hope is being here, but if it's not, then you just need to say something."

"Silence is a virtue."

"Not here," Jude said. "Not with us. I want to hear you talk. I want to know what you're thinking. You can say whatever's on your mind."

"Like that's _easy_." Connor put the dish in the dishrack and grabbed another one, dunking it under the water. "It's never going to be easy for m-m-me. I just get to sit here and compare and turn the things you do into the things he did even though there's _no_ comparison and I … I don't know what I want, Jude."

"Are you trying to break up with me?"

"No!" Connor let his hands float along the top of the dishwater. "No, no, I know that's what I _don't_ want. I meant I don't know what I want with … my life. I don't know what to do with myself most of the time and I fall back into old habits that I hate but I don't know what to do. For years, I thought I was … No, that's not the right word."

Connor grabbed another dish and took a deep breath. He glanced at Jude, who was sitting at the counter, listening intently to everything that Connor said. "It was like he _conditioned_ me, does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"Do you know a better term?"

Jude shrugged, "None that I think you'd like."

"What are you thinking?"

"Pedophiles groom their victims."

Jude was right, he didn't like the thought of that at all.

"I really didn't believe that I was going to be anything other than a kept house husband. He made fun of me for even wanting to take my only courses and I was miserable. But I didn't really know how miserable I was until I experienced something different because I was so convinced he was my future. I was fully thinking I was going to be happy with him forever. It's not as if I don't like doing things like cooking and cleaning, because they do help me feel better and I like doing things for you, you know. I know I don't have to. But, I also don't know. Staying home and putting in the effort while you're out made me upset and that's stupid. Because it's not like you were out cheating on me and it's not like I'd _want_ to stop you or that I'd want to go, so what do I do?" Connor put the last of the plates in the dishrack. "I mean, aside from getting upset, what do I do?"

"Whatever you want," Jude said. "But I'm glad one of those things is talking to me. So, baby, what do you want to do?"

"Um … Um … I don't know. I don't know. I'm so used to being told or 'guided toward suggestions'."

"You want to come sit with me?"

Connor nodded, then hesitated, glancing at the microwave clock. "Aren't you going to be late for work?"

Jude bit his lip and then pulled out his cell phone, hitting the screen a few times before holding it up to his ear.

"Hey, it's Jude. No, I think I ate something contaminated at the concert last night. I've been throwing up since I got home. I am _so_ sorry about the short notice. I … No, thank you, I'm so sorry. I should be fine for Monday. Okay, thank you. Bye."

"Don't you need to go to work?" Connor asked.

"Not today. I'll survive. Today, I need to sit with you."

"You're going to do that for me?"

"Done and done. I'm right here, for as long as you want me."

Connor wiped his hands on the dish towel and then returned to his stool. "I do want you. I do want this relationship. I'm sorry it sometimes sounds like I don't."

"I mostly get it," Jude said. "I know things don't always come out the way you mean it when you're upset and trying to explain yourself."

"So, what do we do?"

"I asked you first. What do you want? Anything, in the world, if you could have _one_ thing right now, what would you want?"

There were a lot of things that Connor wanted. A time machine, more wisdom than he had five years ago, to be able to be normal with Jude now. He didn't think any of those things were a _fair_ answer _._ He should answer with something real. Something that they could do.

"Ice-cream. I want to go get ice-cream. And then go to the beach, on those big logs we studied on before, and eat and talk."

"Then let's go get ice-cream."

"That easy?" Connor asked.

"That easy," Jude said. "No negotiation, no fighting, we go. You want something, it's in our power, we go. I mean, maybe you kiss me before we leave but that's not a requirement."

"But it's something else I want to do."

Jude leant forward and Connor gently pressed his lips to his boyfriend's. He kissed him softly, and quickly, just allowing himself the briefest taste of Jude's lips. Jude rested his hands against Connor's arms and kissed his forehead.

"What ice-cream place would you like to go to?"

"The one with the strawberry shortcake ice-cream."

"Good, I love that place."

It only took a few minutes for them to get their shoes on and get out the door. They had to take the long way to the ice-cream place, because Jude didn't want to drive by his work and rub it in their faces that he wasn't _really_ sick. Connor knew he should feel guilty, but he was really just grateful that Jude was here with him. There wasn't really a line at the ice-cream place and they were in and out in two seconds, taking the short drive to the nearby beach. Unlike last time, they didn't take their shoes and socks off. They walked across the sand, keeping away from the waves, and heading toward the logs to sit on.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"I realized that, sometimes, when I get upset, I just talk at you and then I leave and hide. I didn't want to do that this time."

"Hmm."

"Bad idea?"

"Best idea. I just don't know what to say."

"What do you think I should do about how insecure I get?"

"That's a big question. I wish I knew how to be less insecure, but, I don't think there's an easy answer to that. Keep talking to me and sharing it. Maybe we'll figure it out together."

"I want that too," Connor said. "Together. I like that."

"Me too. How's this log look to you?"

"Good."

Connor sat down, close to the middle, and Jude sat close enough that their legs were touching. Jude took a bite of his ice-cream and then said, "I do have a question, baby."

"Okay."

"It's one of the ones you don't _have_ to answer."

"I will," Connor said, because he always did. He didn't like to deny anyone, particularly Jude.

"It was just something that crossed my mind while you were talking. Why _didn't_ he marry you?"

"What?"

"You said he wanted you to be a house husband and that you were going to marry him. But, you'd been legal to marry him for years by the time he was put in jail. Why didn't he marry you?"

"Oh. Well, we were going to. He was saving up. We were going to go away, for my twenty-first birthday. He was going to take me to Mexico. I've never been, but he'd gone all the time. His mom still has family there, so they'd gone when he was young. He was going to take me. We were going to get married on a beach there, on my birthday. He said he had rings picked out for us, but I never got to see them. He said he wanted to surprise me." Connor scuffed his foot along the sand and used his finger to collect an ice-cream drip. "This was going to be our first Christmas married."

"Oh."

"Don't be quiet on me, please," Connor requested.

"I guess I just wasn't expecting your answer to be that big. I thought that it was going to be one of those things where you were told it was going to happen, but it was a someday thing. You know what I mean?"

"Instead, it was planned," Connor said. "I think he'd even bought the tickets. Don't misunderstand, Jude, I'm not … upset. I think 'what if' a lot, but I think it would be weird if I didn't. That wasn't supposed to be my life. After experiencing this life, I could never go back. I am here, with you, and there are few things better than that. It's not that … not that I'd rather be m-married to him."

"I believe you," Jude said. "And you're very sweet. Connor, do you think you'd ever get married at all?"

"No." Connor took a bite of ice-cream and let it melt on his tongue before elaborating, "I think you should be in love to get married and I don't ever intend to fall in love again."

Connor glanced up from his ice-cream to see Jude watching him. He didn't recognize the expression on Jude's face and he worried what Jude was really thinking.

"Trying to decide if you still want to be my boyfriend?" Connor meant for it to be a joke but he realized that he couldn't really joke about that. The thought of Jude not being in his life anymore was anxiety inducing. Perhaps _too_ anxiety inducing. Another thing to mention to Dr. Scott the next time they spoke.

"No, no. I still want to be yours."

"Hmm." Connor liked the thought of that. Of Jude being his, when, in turn, he was Jude's. He liked the balance.

"Hmm," Jude repeated. "So, do I make you feel like you're stuck being a house husband?"

"No. I do it to myself," Connor said. "I like staying inside, but I … think I want to do more things outside, after Christmas break. You know, try new things."

"Want to do that together?"

"Most things," Connor said. "I always want to make sure I can do things on my own. I think it makes doing things with you better. I would rather want you there than need you there. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, absolutely. And, you know, our date in a few days is something new."

"I'm looking forward to that," Connor said.

"Good."

Connor finished his ice-cream and wedged the dish in the sand next to him. He nestled closer to Jude, who rested his head on top of Connor's. Jude finished his ice-cream too and then, for the longest time, they just sat there. Connor wondered what his life would be like if his ex had never gone to prison. Like he'd told Jude, he would be married by now. Twenty-one and married to someone he'd been with since he was a young teenager – too young of a teenager. The wedding probably would have been beautiful; his ex tended to be overly extravagant when they were in front of other people. Connor probably would have convinced himself that he was happy, because he knew that his life with his ex was going to be his life forever, and Connor hadn't known any other life for a long time. He knew there were moments with his ex that he had found true happiness in, but they were few and far between. More often than not, it was just moments that were less hard than others.

With Jude, it was an easy, comfortable happiness. Connor lifted his head softly and Jude let out a little moan, stretching his head and turning so that his nose bumped Connor's.

"What's up?"

"I'd liked to be kissed." It was too demanding of a thing for Connor to say to his ex, but confessing his desires to Jude wasn't really anxiety inducing anymore. He still felt small trickles of it, but he could say it.

"Did you want to get kissed by me?" Jude asked.

"I was kind of hoping."

Jude rested a hand against each side of Connor's ribs. Connor reached down and pulled Jude's left hand higher up on his ribs.

"Why?" Jude asked.

"I just would rather your hand there," Connor said. "It makes me feel more comfortable. I think."

Jude rubbed his thumb across Connor's skin and Connor leant close to his boyfriend. He could smell the salt of the ocean and the warm scent of Jude's deodorant and it was very grounding in the here and now. Jude's skin was soft as Connor rested his fingers against Jude's cheek, his other hand on Jude's side. Jude's kiss was barely a skim against his lips.

"I want a bigger kiss," Connor protested.

"Stop me if I end up kissing you too much."

Connor nodded and then he pulled Jude close to him again. Their legs were in the way of how close Connor wanted them to be and he pulled Jude's legs over his lap without thinking too much about it. He felt Jude give the smallest gasp of breath against his lips and he wondered if he'd done something wrong after all. He waited for Jude to pull his legs back, but it didn't happen. If anything, Jude moved closer, and Connor found he liked the weight of Jude's legs along the top of his thighs and the heat of Jude's chest being so close to his. Jude was a warm person, in the personality sense and the literal sense, and Connor leant into him. Jude's kisses pressed to Connor's mouth a little more firmly, and Connor felt the flick of Jude's tongue. For a second, he was scared. He could barely kiss Jude like that, let alone on a public beach where anyone could see them and anyone could know them.

He thought of everyone else he'd ever seen making out in public, and he decided he wasn't going to be scared, not of kissing Jude. Not anymore. He wrapped one arm around Jude's back and kissed him. Even though Jude was taller than he was, Connor felt so much larger as Jude folded into his arms. And he was glad that he knew Jude wanted _this_ , otherwise he might felt bad for feeling so overwhelming. But Jude was kissing him back with what felt like all he had and Connor didn't want to let go of him. Jude's hand slipped up and down Connor's spine, his fingers scrabbling at Connor's shoulder blades. Just as Connor felt his lungs were going to burst, Jude kissed him one last time and then ducked his head against Connor's shoulder, his face pressed against Connor's neck. For the first time, Connor realized how low his hand had drifted against Jude's lower back and he moved it up again.

"You've never kissed me like that," Jude said.

"Did you not like it?"

Connor hoped Jude had. Connor had liked it. More than he'd thought he would.

Jude laughed and nuzzled Connor. "No, no, I … I liked it. You just surprised me. In a good way."

Jude's breath was hot against Connor's neck and Connor shivered.

"Cold? We can head home."

"Umm … o-okay."

"Or was there something else you wanted to do?"

"Mmm … N-no."

" _Baby_ ," Jude whined, cuddling closer into Connor's body.

Connor clasped his arms around Jude's back. "What?"

"Talk to me."

"Can I stay at your house tonight?"

"Yes."

"So, can we stop at my apartment first?"

"Yes." Jude sat up. "Was that all?"

"Yeah."

"Mmmkay," Jude said. "Do you want to sit here for a while longer?"

"Just a few more minutes. You're right; it's getting kind of cold."

"You don't want to keep me warm?" Jude teased.

"It's not that I don't want to," Connor said. "It's just I don't think I can."

"We should come sit here more," Jude said. "I like it here."

"Beaches always seem romantic."

"Kind of clichéd romantic, though, don't you think?"

"Do clichés have to be bad?"

"You're the one taking a poetry class next semester, you tell me."

"I don't know anything about poetry," Connor said. "I don't know what I'm doing in that class."

"Having fun, hopefully."

Connor placed his hand against Jude's knee and his thumb rested on the inside of Jude's leg. His heart thudded, and he tried to calm it with his thoughts. It wasn't as if anything were going to escalate from there.

"At least if I don't like it, I won't have to take one again."

"Exactly. But there's no harm in trying something new, right?"

"Right. New things aren't necessarily bad things."

Jude peeked his head up. "Talking just about poetry?"

"What else would I be talking about?" Connor asked.

"I don't know, us. Do you still think we're new?"

"Kind of. I mean, I guess so. We're not old yet."

"Yeah," Jude said. "One more kiss before we go?"

Connor's kiss was slow and brief this time, but Jude was smiling up at him when their lips parted. Then, Jude had bounced to his feet, holding his hands out to help Connor up. Connor accepted the assist, and Jude was the tall one again. He collected their garbage from the sand and they walked off, back to Gerald. Connor found a garbage can, and then they drove to his dorm room. When they pulled into the parking lot, Jude said, "I think you owe me something."

"What?"

"On your bad weekend, I gave you a new sweater, but I never got a new one back."

"Oh!" Connor said. "Well, I can fix that."

"I'll just wait here, okay? You won't be too long?"

"No, just, like, five minutes."

He wouldn't be any longer than that. He hurried up the stairs and into his room, feeling his stomach flutter as he did so. He knew he shouldn't feel nervous, he'd spent nights at Jude's apartment before, but it was going to be the first time since Connor's bad weekend. He didn't _think_ the memories would come flooding back – he'd been okay in his dorm room – but he was also worried that Jude was going to be some kind of trigger. He hoped that wouldn't be the case. And they'd had a good day. He knew he'd gotten emotional, but the fact that he had been able to talk to Jude and go through the things that were bothering him _made_ it a good day. Jude made it a good day so easily.

Connor packed his clothing and his toiletries quickly and then, after a moment of debate, put his journal inside of his backpack too. He was determined to write in it every day for at least two weeks. He wanted to really try and put effort into it, and try to turn it into a habit. He didn't know how long he wanted to keep up the journal, but he was going to try to see if it made a difference in his life. It was only fair that way. He paused in front of his sweatshirts. He didn't have very interesting clothing. Jude always gave Connor his old school sweaters, but Connor didn't have any of those. He didn't want to wear anything that could identify where he had lived before here. He didn't want anything that could trace him back to his old life and confirm his identity if anyone, like his ex, saw him. He picked out the sweatshirt with his new gym's logo on it. He'd bought it not long after he'd joined the gym and he knew it didn't have that new sweater smell anymore. He folded it over his arm and carried it down the stairs to Jude.

"It looks really cozy, thanks, baby."

They took the long way back to Jude's house so they didn't have to drive by his work again.

"So, what should we do now?"

"We could make snacks," Connor suggested, "and watch a movie."

"Sure. Why don't you let me make something for you this time though?"

Connor half-deflated. "I … I had a recipe."

"You're so cute, baby."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Okay, so, let's compromise."

Connor put his bag down so it was leaning against the end of Jude's bed. "What kind of compromise?"

"You can sit on the counter and read me the recipe and then we can see how I follow directions."

"Okay, but it's not that hard."

"Challenge accepted," Jude said, and he held his hand out. "Come on!"

Connor let Jude lead him into the kitchen. Jude patted the spot on the counter and told Connor to jump up.

"Sit on the counter?"

"Yes. You get my counter throne today," Jude teased. "You need to make sure you're bossing me around properly."

"Do you think I'm bossy?" Connor asked anxiously.

"No, baby, no. Not even a little," Jude said. "But it's important today if you're gonna make sure I follow instructions properly."

"Well, I guess that make sense."

Connor lifted himself onto the counter. It felt strange to seat himself up here. People weren't really supposed to sit on counters.

"So," Jude rubbed his hands together, "what are we making today?"

"Cinnamon roll popcorn."

"That sounds _amazing_ , yes, let's do it. What do you put in that?"

"One second." Connor found the recipe on his phone. "First, we need to cook the popcorn."

"How much popcorn?"

"Uh … recipe says eight cups."

"Two bags?"

"Sure. We can measure once it's popped."

As the popcorn bags popped one by one, Connor instructed Jude on how much of the other ingredients they would need and what else to do. Jude greased the baking sheet and grinned.

"Like being the one in charge?"

"It feels weird doing nothing. I don't like it, Jude."

"Yeah, well, you do too much," Jude said. "You don't want to make me feel useless, do you?"

"You do too much," Connor told him. "You help me so much."

"And I'll help you now by making some snacks. C'mon, baby, let me love you."

" _What_?"

Jude looked at him. "Figure of speech."

Connor put his hand over his heart, trying to calm it. "I … I … I don't like that word. You know me and I know you and you can't say that, Jude, you _can't_."

"I know, I'm sorry. It was a figure of speech, one I probably shouldn't have used. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that I love you, like that. I just meant that … it's okay to let me take care of you."

"Which you do," Connor said, although he couldn't let himself be completely distracted. "I thought … you knew I … we couldn't fall in love."

"I thought I told you that I could fall in love with you. On my birthday weekend, remember?"

Connor nodded, though he hadn't wanted to remember. The thought of Jude falling in love wasn't something that he wanted to consider, ever. He didn't want to think about Jude falling in love with him, but he also didn't want to think about Jude falling in love with anyone else, which he knew wasn't fair. He wanted things to stay the same between them, because Connor liked how things were now. It was nice, it was comfortable, and it was the kind of relationship that Connor could stay in. He bowed his head as he realized he'd never considered if this was the type of relationship that _Jude_ would be content to stay in.

"Connor, look –"

Connor held up his hand. "Can … Can we make a deal?"

"What kind of deal?"

"We talk about this after Christmas."

"After Christmas?" Jude repeated. "Why?"

"I, um, I think I need some time to think about what I'm going to say in a conversation like this. I want time to think about it from all sides, because I don't want to say the wrong thing and I want to make sure that I really mean what I say, and I'm just not trying to say something quickly because I think you want an answer. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it makes sense. And, I understand," Jude said. "It's not a kind of conversation you want sprung on you."

Connor wasn't sure exactly what kind of conversation he was getting himself into. He didn't know what to think about the few sentences Jude had managed to get out. All he did know was that he wasn't ready for a conversation like that to start. And he was glad that Jude was so understanding.

"While you're doing your thinking, is there anything you think I should be thinking about?"

"Um, I … I don't know if … if that's where this was going to go, but, Jude, um … I like you, but I … I know, um, I'm n-n-never going to be able to fall in love again." It was too presumptuous of a thing to say. Jude wasn't in love with him. They had only known each other for a handful of months. Still, Connor didn't think it was a bad thing to establish. If Jude needed to be with someone who loved him back, then it was best for Jude to know, as soon as possible, that it wasn't going to be Connor.

"I know, Connor." Jude smiled and Connor felt himself start to relax. "Let's finish this popcorn and get to a movie, okay?"

"Sounds good," Connor said, and guided Jude through the rest of the steps.

The popcorn had to bake for a few minutes and while it did, they sat on the couch and searched for a movie to watch. It had felt like a very long day, and Connor just wanted to curl into Jude's side and relax for the duration of the bawdy comedy they'd found to watch. And so he did, wrapping the blanket around himself and cuddling under Jude's arm. He was almost indignant when Jude got up to get the popcorn and some drinks for the two of them.

"You look sleepy," Jude said.

"I feel kind of sleepy," Connor confessed. "But, I don't want to go to bed yet. It's still … really early."

"Well, let's try the popcorn."

Connor picked up one of the heated pieces from the glass bowl that Jude had transferred their snack to and tasted it.

"I like it," Jude said. "What do you think?"

"I really like it," Connor said. "I think we should make it more."

"It wasn't as hard to make as I thought it would be either," Jude said. "I wasn't sure I'd be able to manage it."

"I think you did a really great job."

"Thank you."

Jude kissed him briefly and his lips were sticky with the cinnamon mixture. Connor stayed under Jude's arm as they watched the movie and when it ended, Jude asked him what he wanted for dinner.

"We had such a big lunch, I'm thinking sandwiches or something else simple. Thoughts? Feelings?"

"There's not too many feelings I can have about a sandwich," Connor said.

Jude laughed. "That's fair. Would you like one to eat, though? I can make us some for supper."

"You don't have to make –"

"You made lunch. And sandwiches are –"

"Your speciality," Connor finished. "Right. I remember."

"I have very few skills I can impress you with. Let me have my sandwiches."

"I feel like I'm always impressed by you," Connor whispered.

"You're too sweet," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's cheek. "So, you sit here, relax, and I'll make some sandwiches."

"No, I can do the dishes from the popcorn –"

"No. It's your day off. If I don't decide you should take one every once in a while I know you're never going to take one. And it's only half a day, really, so there's not a whole lot to complain about."

"I wasn't complaining. I just don't like to do nothing when you do something."

"Then do something you _want_ to do," Jude suggested. "That's not work."

Jude hefted himself off the couch and Connor turned to watch him flick on the kitchen light. He glanced at the T.V., but Jude always joined him in the kitchen or at the counter when Connor was cooking. He shifted uncomfortably and then he saw his bag. Now would be the perfect time to write something down in his journal. He could be in Jude's company but get something down while Jude wasn't leaning over his shoulder. He didn't think Jude would peek at a private journal, but he also knew how tempting it could be to look at something you weren't supposed to. He fetched his journal and favourite pen from his bag and took his stool.

Jude was standing at the sink, pouring in soap. "What's that?"

"Dr. Scott thought I should try journaling. I … didn't think I wanted to, but after the other weekend, I thought I should."

"Do you think it's going to be helpful?"

"I don't know. I'm hoping it will be."

"I'm going to put some music on. Is that okay?"

"I'd like that."

Happy pop music began to come from Jude's phone. Connor watched Jude's large hands dip beneath the soapy water, a sponge in his hand. Then, he turned the lock on his journal and flipped to where he left off. Last time, he'd been scribbling some half-hearted remembering concerning his ex-boyfriend, and he didn't really want to look at them right now. Instead, he started writing about the day he'd had, from beginning to end. He wanted to remember how sweet Jude had been today and how they had talked. He wrote about the things he was going to have to think about at Christmas, and then he took a chance and looked back, not at what he had written about his ex, but what he had written on the night they had gone to the movies with Jake and Amy.

Jude started to drain the sink and Connor looked up. He hadn't realized he had managed to write so much in so little time. Jude started pulling sandwich ingredients out of the fridge.

"Mayo or mustard or both?" Jude asked.

"Both, please," Connor answered.

"All done writing?"

"Almost." Connor turned back to the page he'd been working on. "There's more I want to write, but I'm not sure what it's going to be."

"Why's that?"

"I need to write about your answer to a question I haven't asked yet."

"Ask away, baby."

"I've been thinking about how Christmas break is coming up."

"Yeah?"

"And remember how you said, when we went out with Jake and Amy, that if I hated the night, I could avoid them until next term?"

"Yeah. Why, are we avoiding them until next term?"

The royal we. It made Connor feel … cozy. Yes, that was the right word. _Cozy_.

"N-n-no. There was just something else I've been thinking about. That if I hated it, I could avoid it until next term. Or, at least, the same circumstances."

"And it involves me? Now I'm concerned." Jude dropped the top slices of bread on both sandwiches and slid them in the oven, setting a timer. He then turned and leant on the counter next to the sink so that he and Connor were facing each other. "What's it about?"

"I want to try something new … with you. B-b-because I, um, think I'm ready for trying it. I think it'll be more good than bad for us."

"If it's awful, we don't have to keep going with … whatever it is," Jude said. "Don't keep me in suspense."

"I want to sleep next to you –"

"We've done that –"

" – in your bed. If that's okay. I-I mean, if you want me there too. It's just … that's what couples do. And I want to be at that place with you. Because when we were cuddling in my bed, I liked that. And we were able to sleep next toe each other on couches and what's the difference, really? I know you're not going to hurt me."

"No, no, of course not. I … One sec." Jude pulled the sandwiches out of the oven and put them on plates. Connor sat quietly as Jude brought their small dinner around to the counter and retrieved their water glasses from the coffee table. "Need anything else?"

"No, this is great," Connor said. "I didn't mean to invite myself into your space."

"No, it's not that. I love waking up next to you and I love sleeping next to you. I just know how you feel about beds."

"I want to try," Connor insisted. "I want to. I like being held by y-you when we're awake. And I … I could always make a pillow wall like I did on Halloween."

"You had an awful night on Halloween."

"I know. I don't think I'll have an awful night tonight. I'd like to try."

"Me too," Jude agreed. "Let's try these sandwiches before they get cold."

Connor picked up his sandwich with one hand and then he went to pick up his pen again. "Oh, do you mind? If I finish writing?"

"Not at all," Jude said. "I like how you look when you're concentrating on something."

"I like your cooking," Connor said. "Your sandwiches are always good."

"I did warn you."

"You did," Connor said. He angled his journal away from Jude, and glanced at Jude after he'd done that, and Jude was looking away from him, staring at his plate with unnatural effort. Connor knew that was for him, and he scribbled his ending paragraph as quickly as possible, as if he were in the last moments of a final exam. He finally put his pen down and locked his journal back up. "And thanks for the patience."

"I think you're worth waiting for."

Connor didn't know what to say to that. Jude dropped his last taste of crust onto his plate and stretched, a yawn escaping him.

"The night in the van made you tired," Connor said, though he thought he was stupid for saying it. It was such an obvious observation, and it was so clearly something that Jude was already aware of.

"Yeah, it's probably best I didn't try to work tonight. I still wouldn't be close to finishing my shift."

"You really didn't have to do that."

"I did," Jude said. "And I know it never crossed your mine to ask me to skip work, so, promise you won't feel guilty?"

"I'll do my best," Connor said. "Sometimes, I feel like I always feel guilty about something. Sometimes, those things aren't even my fault."

"Do you think this is your fault?"

"Well …" Instinct told Connor to say yes. If he said no, it was going to hurt. Jude didn't hurt him, though. It was why Connor was so willing to try new things with Jude. Not only that, but why he _wanted_ to try new things with Jude. He decided to try and reason through it. Maybe if he laid all of the facts out, then, between he and Jude, he could figure it out. "Well, if I hadn't been upset, you wouldn't have called in sick, so that makes it my fault. _But_ , I didn't ask you to call in sick. I didn't know you were going to do it, so that makes it not my fault. And I've been upset before and you've still gone to work. Which means that … it was your decision. Not mine. And I don't have to feel guilty about the things you decide to do."

"Makes perfect sense to me."

Connor smiled and folded his hands neatly in his lap, as if he were receiving the highest praise. "Oh, um, one thing, though? About … sleeping."

"It's just sleeping," Jude said. "I know. I'm not going to try anything you don't ask for."

"Oh, thanks," Connor said. "I mean, I … Yeah, but that's not what I was going to say."

"Oops."

"I … Especially, right now, I want to keep physical stuff and bed separate, does that make sense?"

"Absolutely. I don't want to repeat Halloween for you."

"Me either," Connor said quickly. "I think it's going to be … good. Better. I want … I mean, I like waking up next to you too."

"You're cute when you're awkward," Jude said.

Connor's cheeks heated and he looked down at the floor, watching Jude swing one foot idly back and forth.

"What else are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"Want compliments?" Jude asked. "'Cause I have lots of compliments I can give you."

"I wasn't fishing for anything," Connor protested. "Really. I just like when you tell me what you're thinking. I like how honest you are with your thoughts."

"I'm thinking I want to kiss you. And I'm not so tired that I couldn't make it through another TV show that we're not going to pay a lot of attention to. What do you think?"

"I think I … I think we should empty the dishwasher, because it's going to bother me all night if we don't."

Jude ducked his head and laughed, but Connor didn't feel like he was being laughed at.

"Come on, then, it'll take all of two minutes if it's just the two of us."

Even though it was Jude's dishwasher and Jude's dishes and Connor should know better when it came to Jude, he was still pleasantly surprised by Jude's help. It only took them a few minutes to get the dishes nestled in their proper places and then they found themselves laying on the couch. Jude nestled against Connor's side. Jude had one of his legs hooked over Connor's, like earlier at the beach. Jude was warm and comfortable. Connor turned on his side slightly, putting his back to the TV and facing Jude instead.

Jude met his eyes and bent forward slightly to brush Connor's lips with his own. Connor was getting more and more comfortable with physicality, especially from Jude, and after the beach, he was feeling confident. He was feeling bolder than he was used to. It was disconcerting, but he wasn't scared. He'd told himself before that he wasn't going to be scared of kissing Jude anymore, and he wasn't.

He kissed Jude again, and Jude's hand slid under his button up, over his t-shirt. Connor tensed as Jude's other hand pressed flat against his stomach, the heel of his hand on the border of being a little too low. The tips of Jude's fingers explored Connor's ab muscles and before he could think of how he was going to react, the tips of his fingers dug into the outside of Jude's thigh. Jude pulled him closer and Connor stopped breathing as he realized just how close they were. He leant back, just slightly, and Jude's eyes were more intense than Connor had ever seen them. He shifted himself back, so there was half an inch of space between them. He couldn't blame Jude for his body's reaction – not when Connor's had done the same thing – but he wasn't ready to feel it against him yet.

"Connor," Jude said. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He surprised himself by meaning it.

His hand was still on Jude's thigh, and he could feel the jean's seam – rougher against his skin than the rest of the soft denim. He moved his thumb against Jude's leg. Jude let out a shaky laugh.

"What is it?"

"It's not like this is my first relationship," Jude said, "and it's not the first time a guy's touched me either, but there's something that feels new about being with you. Does that make sense?"

"I think it does. That's what I feel." Connor closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Jude's so that he didn't have to look at him as he said, "I think it's safe to say I h-h-have more experience than you, and being with you is so new it scares me."

"Scares in a bad way?"

"Not often," Connor said. "Not really anymore."

Connor's hand slipped to the back of Jude's neck and he kissed him again. Jude let out a small sigh and grabbed tightly onto the front of Connor's shirt, pulling him closer. Then, to Connor's surprise, Jude's hand splayed out on his chest and he felt pressure. _Stop_. Immediately, Connor pulled back. He'd been the person on the other end too many times. He'd never keep pushing. Even when he was surprised that Jude stopped him when Jude was usually the one pulling him closer and closer.

"Are you sure you're comfortable with this?"

Jude cared too much about him. Connor's heart constricted as he thought of the conversation that almost was and the things he'd promised to think about over Christmas. He thought about shaking his head and telling Jude that they'd gone too far already and that he kept making mistakes, but he didn't want to, because that wasn't what he felt.

"As sure as I am that you'll stop the moment I say something."

"So … really sure?"

"Really sure," Connor confirmed, imitating Jude's smile.

Jude tugged at the sides of Connor's button-up. "Can I take this off this time?"

"I'd still rather do it," Connor said. "I'm not even close to there yet."

"That's okay," Jude said. "But, can I see your arms?"

Connor sat up, feeling shaky and slid his shirt over his shoulders, putting it neatly on the back of the couch. He hesitated for a moment, unsure of where to go or what to do with his body. Jude reached for him and pulled him down, and Connor let himself go. He wasn't sure how he felt about the one who was hovering over Jude when he was so used to being the one who was being hovered _over_ , but he also knew that he wasn't going to be able to be the one under Jude. He was glad Jude didn't seem to mind; if they ever got further than kissing, that was a conversation they were going to have. But after their conversation about sex a few days ago, Connor didn't want to get any closer to the topic than he had to. Right now, kissing was all he wanted to do. It was more than enough for him.

And Jude was good at kissing him.

Connor couldn't remember the last time he felt like this. He didn't know if he had _ever_ felt like this, where to people were equally breathless and equally wanting the same things. Jude took one of Connor's hand in his and held tightly to him. Connor braced himself on that arm, worried he was hurting Jude, but Jude never gave any hint of complaint. Jude pulled one leg up and rested it against the back of couch. Connor could feel Jude's leg against his side and he felt like _that_ was too much. It was like the most ungraceful invitation that Connor had ever seen and likely would ever see, unless Connor ever tried to make an attempt.

He settled down on his side so that they were laying like they were last time. He didn't mind it when Jude draped his leg across Connor's own. Their conjoined hands lifted above Jude's head to press into the arm of the couch. Jude's other arm was around Connor's waist grasping at Connor's t-shirt. Connor pressed his other hand above Jude's heart, feeling its rapid beating. Jude turned more into him and Connor realized how close Jude's throat was to his hand. He thought of a different hand, a different throat, a different time. Abruptly, he sat up and pulled away from Jude. He pressed his hands to his face, trying to block out the memories, trying to block out the fact the had put himself on the other side of the fence and it was making him feel dizzy.

Jude sat up, pulling his legs away from Connor, and Connor knew it was to give him space.

"No, no," Connor said. "I'm … I'm fine."

He wanted to be fine.

"Connor, really, it's all right. Do you want to talk about it?"

"He just …" Connor ran his hands through his hair. It was long, too long. Longer than he was supposed to have it, but as long as _he_ wanted it. "You …. You're not stupid, Jude."

"I don't like to think of myself as stupid, anyway."

"He spent a lot of time … g-g-grabbing at my face. Which y-y-you've probably guessed," Connor said. "Normally, I … I don't project that sort of thing onto you. I don't … ever see myself as him."

"Because you are the opposite of him, Connor. You're not going to hurt me. Never _once_ have I thought you were."

"I've never thought of hurting you either." Connor turned to face Jude. "I guess … guess I just want things that I'm not ready for. I don't expect those memories to come rushing back, they just do. I wasn't ready."

"And that's okay. I'm never going to be mad at you for needing to take more time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, baby, of course. Never feel like you have to push yourself for my sake. That's the last thing I want."

Connor looked at Jude's soft face. "C-c-could you, um, sit close? I … want to try something."

"Sure." Jude scooted to the middle of the couch so that his knee touched Connor's.

Connor turned to face Jude. His hand trembled as he raised it slowly to Jude's face. Jude watched him carefully, but it wasn't _Jude_ who shook as Connor's fingers brushed across his cheek and down the side of his neck. Jude was just watching him with that steady gaze that showed nothing but interest in what Connor was going to do. Interest and trust. Never did Jude think, for even half a second, that Connor was going to do anything to hurt him. Connor was watching for the moment where Jude wondered, but it never came. Connor thought he could wrap his hand around Jude's neck – not push, just rest gently, as if he were _going_ to push down – and Jude would still look at him like that. He repulsed himself with the thought. He was never going to do that. He was never going to be that person. He hated himself for thinking about it. He pulled his hand away from Jude and folded his hands in his lap.

"You okay?"

Connor nodded. He wished Jude didn't have to ask that question so often.

"My mind just got away from me."

"Sure. What do you want to do now?"

Connor glanced at the TV. "Let's … finish the movie. And then … then I think you should ask me again."

"Okay, let's do that."

Connor knew Jude would agree. Jude was good like that. He pulled the plaid blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped himself up in it, even though he knew there wasn't much left to the movie. He just needed a moment of quiet, to let his head settle. Jude curled at the opposite end of the couch and Connor knew it was so that he could have his own space. He rested his head against the arm of the couch and waited for the movie to end. When it had, he picked up his head up.

"Are you ready to go to bed?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "Are you … Do you want the couch or do you still want to come with me?"

"I've made up my mind," Connor said. "It's hard for me to do that. And, so, once I know I want something, I like to stick to that."

"Then, let's get ready for bed."

Jude let Connor have the bathroom first, and he took his backpack. He put his pyjamas on and methodically brushed his teeth. He borrowed a facecloth to scrub at his face and took a deep breath. Something about soap always made him feel cleansed; more relaxed. He bowed his head and then turned his back on the mirror to pull on his pyjamas.

He didn't linger in the bathroom. He knew that Jude needed it too. While he waited for Jude, he tucked his journal in his bag, fiddled with everything inside of it, and stared at Jude's bed. It wasn't that scary; he knew that. He had woken up on Jude's bed before, with Jude draped across his lap, and he had just been able to sit there and play with Jude's hair, half hoping it would wake him up and half hoping it wouldn't. It was just a bed. Beds weren't scary and Jude wasn't scary and those two things together, then, logically, weren't scary. He could work with logic.

He half-jumped when Jude opened the bathroom door.

"Hey, you could have claimed a spot on the bed."

"It's your bed. I couldn't just … get in without you. And I … wanted a good night kiss."

"But, no kissing in bed. It's a rule," Jude said. He cocked a grin and walked up to Connor, sliding his hands along Connor's forearms. "This isn't bed, though."

"No. Which is why I waited here."

Their goodnight kiss was tame compared to the way they had kissed earlier that day. He could still feel the gasp of Jude's breath against his lips and it made his heart quicken. He opened his eyes and pushed his hand gently against Jude's abdomen. Jude leant back immediately.

"Do you want them inside or the outside of the bed?"

"Inside," Connor said. "I like being able to have a wall."

"Inside it is."

Connor sidled to the wall and then Jude started to pull the curtains. He peeked over his shoulder, "Oh! You didn't like the curtains closed all the way before. What do you think now?"

"Maybe a little space open," Connor said, but he didn't want to intrude. Jude had said before that he slept better with the curtains closed.

"By our feet or by our heads?"

"You pick."

Jude left the corner by their feet open, which Connor was grateful for. It was the one that he would have picked, if he'd been able to pick at all. Jude pulled the covers down and Connor's hand hovered at the corner of the comforter. He'd been here before, on Halloween. But he and Jude had been different, then. He hadn't trusted Jude nearly as much as he did now. He settled against the cool sheets and put the blanket over him, letting himself sink into the mattress. He turned on his side to face Jude, his eyes adjusting to the darkness so that he could pick up the vague features of Jude's face.

"Hate this so far?" Jude asked.

"No."

Even though he and Jude were laying on far sides of the mattress, and even though Jude had a big bed, Connor felt like he was too close. He could feel how easy it would be for Jude's hand to snake up toward him.

"Do you, um, mind if I try something?"

"Resurrecting the pillow wall from last time?"

"Not completely."

"Go ahead."

Jude had a long pillow, and Connor found it at the bottom of the bed. He dragged it back up and put it in the middle between he and Jude. He could feel Jude's confusion.

"It's like … a no man's land." It was the best term he could come up with.

"My side and your side?"

"For now. I … I'm hoping I get comfortable soon. I want to want this. I want to be able to do this with you."

"One step at a time."

"It's how we take everything."

Jude laughed. "It's how everyone takes everything. Don't take it so personally."

Jude's foot brushed against Connor's own. Connor's stomach fluttered, but he trapped Jude's ankle between his calves, holding him in the only way he could manage.

"Can I have a hand?" Jude asked.

"I think so."

Connor brought his hand up to the bottom of the long pillow and Jude caught it. He rubbed his thumb over the back of Connor's hand. "Is kissing your fingers okay or no kissing at all in bed?"

"You'd want to kiss my fingers?"

"Sure, why do you ask like that?"

"Fingers?"

"It's a tiny sign of affection. You've kissed my fingers before."

"I know. It just sounds weird when you ask about it like that."

Jude's lips brushed the tips of Connor's fingers.

"That tickles, a little."

Jude kissed him again. "Goodnight, baby."

"G-goodnight, Jude."

Connor closed his eyes and held onto Jude's hand tightly. He just had to concentrate on falling asleep, and it would happen.

It would.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Out Of Reach**_ **by Gabrielle. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	43. Banana Pancakes

Jude woke slowly, feeling warm. It wasn't the sticky, overheated feeling he got when he woke hangover. He was just warm. He opened his eyes; it was brighter inside of his bed than it normally was, and he squinted his eyes shut. He didn't understand how some people could sleep with blinds and windows open, greeting the day at the crack of dawn. Dylan had been like that. When he'd slept at Dylan's, he always done so with his head under the pillow, because he knew the sunlight would be coming after him first thing.

He opened his eyes again, because he knew that Connor was sleeping next to him, and he wanted to see that. At least, he hoped Connor was still sleeping. He had a habit of waking up early, and Jude knew that the likelihood of Connor lying there, wide awake, waiting for Jude to join him, was very high. When Jude opened his eyes, Connor was still fast asleep, curled on his side and facing Jude, one hand half-heartedly curled into a fist by his face. Jude stared at the light brown locks that fell toward Connor's eyes and felt the urge to smooth the hairs away. He knew he couldn't, but his fingers itched. He wanted to cup Connor's jaw the way that Connor did his, slide his fingers through Connor's hair when they were kissing. He looked at the pillow lying between them. It was a metaphor for their entire relationship. No matter how close they could get, there was something that was keeping them from getting as close as they should be.

Connor shifted under the blankets, pulling them tighter around himself. Jude just watched him move, thinking that Connor was beautiful. He was always attracted to his boyfriend, but there was something about Connor in sleep that made Jude think _beautiful_. He wasn't sure how Connor would react if Jude told him that, and he decided to make it one of those soft, morning thoughts that he kept to himself.

Connor shifted and stretched, letting out the tiniest of sounds. Jude watched Connor tuck one arm behind his head and sigh, deflating against the pillow. He cracked one eye open and then looked at Jude.

"It's morning," he whispered.

"It's morning," Jude repeated.

"I didn't have a nightmare. I … had a good sleep," Connor whispered.

"Good."

Under the blanket, Jude watched Connor's hand move around and then find his forearm. Jude smirked as Connor squeezed his arm and then tugged on him gently. Jude let Connor pull at him until Connor had Jude nestled into his side, Connor's chest to Jude's back. Jude reached down and found Connor's free arm and put it under his head.

"I forgot to ask if this was okay," Connor said.

"I think it's okay. If you think it is."

"I've never had anyone I could admit this to before," Connor started, his voice low in Jude's ear, "and it even feels dumb to think, but I've always felt like mornings should start like this. Slow, with cuddles."

"If you think people should wake up slow, then why do you wake up so early?"

"Because, what do I have to wake up to? Just an alarm."

"The nice thing about classes being over and no work to do is that there's no need for an alarm."

Jude felt Connor press his head to the back of Jude's neck and Jude closed his eyes.

"We still have studying to do, you know, for Kroeger's exam."

"I know. But it's morning. I never took you for someone who would be so mushy about mornings."

"I can be mushy about a lot of things. I just have never felt like there would be someone who would listen to me and _not_ laugh. You're different. You've … said worse."

Jude chuckled. He wanted to turn, wanting to pull Connor close and wrap his leg around his boyfriend's hip, and make out until all of the pillows had fallen off the bed. It wasn't something he could do. Not with Connor. If he'd still been in high school and spent his rare morning waking up at Dylan's, he could have done it with his ex-boyfriend. But he didn't want that with his ex. He wanted that with his current. He wanted everything with Connor.

"Do you hate it when I do?"

"No. I don't always know what to say to it, but I like it."

Jude opened his eyes and tilted his head to look at Connor's fingers, which were loosely holding onto the edge of the pillow case. Jude reached behind him and found Connor's other arm, pulling it up and over his side.

"I'm surprised this is okay, but kissing isn't." Jude's stomach fluttered slightly. He didn't want to do anything to scare Connor, and he hated how careful he had to be sometimes, but laying in bed like this was amazing, and more than he ever expected. Not at this point. He thought he'd be left dreaming of waking up in his bed for a long time to come.

"It wouldn't have been okay last night. Seeing is believing. I think it makes me a jerk that I keep needing you to prove yourself."

The husky, sleepy tone was starting to clear from Connor's voice and Jude missed it.

"I think I usually do okay."

"You always do okay."

"That makes me feel better. Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Does that mean we're going to do this again?"

"Yes. I'd like to. Should we get up and do breakfast?"

"Five minutes," Jude said. "You're the one who said we should take mornings slow."

"I think I remember saying that."

Jude took the chance and turned over in Connor's arms, facing his chest. He drew both of his arms up to hold them against Connor's torso. His arms curled tightly around Jude and Jude leant heavily against him, wondering just how much he could get away with. He also wondered if being with Connor was always going to make him feel like a child stealing cookies and wondering how many was over the line.

"Can I tell you something else I've never told anyone else?"

"I love secrets."

"It's not really a secret," Connor said. "I've never felt so peaceful, Jude, then times like this with you."

"I'm honoured, baby." Jude lowered his head, tilting it so that he could hear Connor's heart thump. "You know what we should do?"

"What?"

"Talk about what breakfast is going to be like. Then it'll be even better when we make it."

"We can do that. What do you have?"

"Coffee."

"That's not a meal."

Jude poked Connor. "You're a liar."

"Well, I know you have eggs. I can try and find something for an omelette."

"You don't have to make breakfast foods for breakfast."

"After break, I can make you a cheeseburger omelette."

"A what?!" Jude leant backward to meet Connor's eyes. "That's a thing?"

"It is a thing."

"That's a thing I'd like to eat."

"It's a thing I can make you after break."

"It's not that early. Grocery store's open."

"You'd go to the grocery store?"

"Mhm. I'll go run and get groceries and you can pay me back with coffee and a good omelette." Jude thought of yesterday, of the conversation they'd just had. "Unless you want to come with. Or you wanna be the one to get groceries. You don't have to stay home."

"I … would rather not go outside. I'm not mentally prepared for the grocery store again."

"All right." Jude hated to do it, but he rolled out of Connor's arms to part the curtains around his bed and grab his phone off the top of the nightstand. "Write me an ingredients list? Please?"

"Of course. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't want to cook something for you."

"Yeah, but I bulled you into cooking salmon, so if you wanted to tease me a little, I wouldn't blame you."

"You're not a bully." Connor took the phone. "Do you have hamburger?"

"No."

"Pickles?"

"There's pickles in it?"

"On it. Bacon?"

They continued back and forth until Jude had a full list of ingredients. Connor stared at the phone screen.

"It seems like a lot."

"Is it too much for a quick breakfast?"

"Quick?" Connor said, and Jude was surprised at how sharp his voice was. "Are you kicking me out?"

"No. I just meant it's not a planned meal. I like to have you here. Whenever you want."

Jude sat up and adjusted his t-shirt where it had been riding up his ribs. He stretched and groaned. "I shouldn't be too long. Anything you want that's not on the list?"

"No. I should be okay."

"Text me if you think of anything. You have a few minutes to change your mind."

Jude _hated_ to leave Connor lying in his bed, especially when he propped himself up on one arm to watch Jude go to the dresser to find a clean shirt. Jude quickly got changed, then grabbed his wallet and car keys from the counter.

"Be home soon."

"Okay," Connor said.

It was so hard to lock the front door behind him and head up the hill to where Gerald was parked. He, admittedly, rushed through grocery shopping and probably should've been nicer to the cranky attendant who definitely didn't ask for the opening shift. He couldn't help that he was dreaming of a hot cup of coffee and a guy who was hopefully still dressed in his pyjamas waiting to pour it for him. He loaded all of the grocery bags onto his arms and carried them back down the hill, wrestling his door open with some arm flexibility that he didn't know he had. When the door creaked open, the strong smell of his coffee washed over him.

"Hey, baby."

"Coffee's done."

"Thanks. Groceries are bought and we can get cooking."

Jude wrestled the bags onto the counter and turned to face Connor, who was holding out a mug. Jude reached out and wrapped both hands around the mug, covering Connor's fingers. He tugged at Connor until it was just their hands caught between them.

"Could I have my morning kiss now?"

"I wanted you to ask," Connor confessed.

Jude leant down and kissed him. He could taste the minty tang of toothpaste on Connor's tongue, and immediately felt bad that, in his rush to get out the door, he had never thought to brush his teeth. Connor didn't seem to mind, though Jude wasn't sure Connor would say so if he did mind. Jude's hand jerked and coffee spilled over both of their fingers. Immediately, Connor pulled away and grabbed the dish towel from the sink. Jude couldn't help but notice Connor dabbed the coffee away from Jude's fingers instead of his own.

"You okay?" Jude asked, picking up Connor's hand. "It wasn't that hot, was it?"

"No, I'm okay. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault. I think that belongs to both of us. So, let's make each other breakfast."

Connor nodded, and soon the kitchen was alive with new smells and the sizzle of things in the pan. Jude was tasked with chopping up the onion, which wasn't exactly a difficult job. It just had the unfortunate side effect of making him taste onion no matter what, and it wasn't exactly a flavour that he wanted to mix with his morning coffee. He drained the last bit of it, trying not to cringe at the flavour mixture, and then sat his mug in the sink. Connor was carefully flipping the beef in the pan, eyeing it critically. As much as he liked to watch Connor work in silence, this morning, Jude felt the pull of conversation.

"Do you find it hard to memorize recipes?"

"Not really. To tell you the truth, I only use the exact measurements of things the first time I make them." Connor glanced at Jude. "Can you crack some eggs, please?"

"Sure. How many?"

"Most of them. We've got enough beef that we'll need it."

Jude found his egg carton and a large bowl to break them into. "So, you guess?"

"I like the word estimate better," Connor mused. "It's easy to remember what goes into things. I don't know if professional chefs would agree with me or not, but when I'm cooking, I feel like it's just easy for me to remember things like 'less pepper and more onion' next time I make it, and then I just … adjust when I'm actually in the kitchen. I guess that means I'm cooking for personal tastes and I don't know if that's a good thing."

"You have to like what you cook," Jude said. "I can't see how it would be a bad thing."

Connor passed him a whisk. "I don't have to like what I cook. If you liked something I hated, I'd still make it for you."

"Because you're sweet, not because you have to," Jude said.

"It's because you're so sweet that I'd do it," Connor said, not looking up at Jude as he said so.

Jude felt his heart warm and he looked down at the eggs, trying to focus on their blending yolks instead of what he was feeling inside. _I love you_ , his whole being whispered, and he wondered if Connor knew that. He wondered if Connor had picked up on it and he had asked to wait until after Christmas to talk so he could figure it out. It was a fool's hope, but Jude always seemed to be full of those. After all, he'd thought it was a fool's hope to even be attracted to Connor in the first place, and now here they were, making breakfast in his kitchen after spending the night asleep next to one another.

"I think the eggs are ready for the pan," Connor said, shattering Jude's thoughts.

"You'd know," Jude said, obediently tilted the eggs in his bowl into the pan Connor had ready.

"If I remember correctly, I was supposed to be teaching you how to cook. I think your Moms are expecting you to make something for them."

Jude laughed. "Moms know I make sandwiches. I could try and make this, though. Jesus would like it."

"It's not that hard."

"I don't think I'll be cooking for them," Jude said honestly.

"Why not?"

"I can't let their expectations of me get that high. Otherwise, I'll never be allowed out of the kitchen."

"There are worse rooms to be trapped in," Connor said.

"I'm sure there are, but, you know, freedom tastes best."

"Wh-wh-what are you planning on doing with your freedom over break?" Connor asked quietly.

"Nothing too exciting. I'll probably be spending a lot of time at Taylor's. I think Daria's still coming home this Christmas, so she'll probably be around some too." Jude watched Connor's face, thinking that if Connor didn't ask in the next five seconds, he'd answer the real thing Connor wanted to know.

"Will you see Dylan?"

"Probably. Is that going to be a problem?"

"It shouldn't be," Connor said. "I wouldn't ask you to not see your friends, Jude."

"Honestly, I probably wouldn't listen if you did." Jude lifted himself onto the counter. "You shouldn't worry so much about Dylan and me. We're over. Have been for a long time now."

Connor put down his spatula and leant against the counter. "Is there a word for when you believe two things at once?"

"Uh, there's cognitive dissonance. Other than that, I've got nothing."

"What's that mean?"

"It's, like, the stress of having two different beliefs or doing something that is contradictory to the things you believe. Stuff like that."

"Oh."

Jude tugged at the cuff of Connor's long sleeve. "Is that what you were thinking of?"

"I don't know. Um, maybe. There's a part of me that knows _you_ would never do anything and that's the part of me that trusts you so completely I can do things with you that even … a month ago, I was so convinced I could never do again. Then, there's the part of me that still really believes that every relationship is eventually going to turn out like my last one. That part is shrinking all the time, but it's still there. I just … am too over the place. That's not your fault. Sometimes, lately, I don't even think it's my fault … completely."

"It's not." Jude slowly ran his fingers up Connor's arm.

"Maybe I just don't want it to be. Maybe I would have ended this screwed up even if left to my own devices."

"Neither of us really believe that."

Connor picked up Jude's hands in his own. "I just want you to believe that no matter what I say, I do believe in you. And I don't believe that you're going to betray my trust either. I just … say things, sometimes, because I can to you. I know you're not going to do anything to me just for talking."

"No, of course not. Will it make you feel better if I text you whenever I'm going to see Dylan?"

Connor's eyes darted up to meet Jude quickly, and then Connor looked away again, sneaking out of Jude's grasp to turn around and start putting the finishing touches on the omelette.

"N-n-no. That's not something you should have to do."

"It's not like I won't be texting you at all over break," Jude said. "And I'm not going to mind telling you what I'm up to. It'll probably be half the conversation, right?"

"I guess so." Connor pulled two plates out of the cupboard. "What would you like to drink?"

"I'll get those, don't worry about it. What would _you_ like?"

"I think … I'd like coffee with breakfast this time."

"Done and done."

Coffee was poured, forks were fetched, and everything was carried over to their stools.

"It tastes better than it smells," Jude said, savouring the taste. "It tastes like a real cheeseburger!"

"But the breakfast kind," Connor said. "I like breakfast foods."

"And I like how you make breakfast foods." Jude leant over and kissed Connor's cheek. He loved how Connor lit up at Jude's affection, because Jude loved giving it to him. He would love Connor as far as Connor would let him, and then wish for more.

"You know, I was thinking, Jude, we should do some studying today. I'm not as ready for Kroeger's exam as I want to be."

"Sure. I probably wouldn't study until last minute if I didn't have you to lead me into that light."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm not that worried about how I'm going to do in Kroger's class so the panic to study probably won't hit actually hit me until later."

"You don't want to study?"

"I do. I'm thankful for you making me do things."

Jude nudged his knee against Connor's. Connor dropped his hand down and grabbed the top of Jude's leg. Jude bit his lip and tried not to think about yesterday, about Connor's hand heavy on the outside of his thigh and how Jude had just wanted to grip him closer and closer.

"And it's not a bad way to spend the day," Jude said.

"I feel like you're not telling the whole truth."

"Studying with _you_ isn't a bad way to spend a day. It's not something I like to do by myself."

"That sounds like the whole truth," Connor said. "It'll be fun, Jude."

Jude didn't particularly think it would be fun, at least, not in the way Connor meant it. The fun part would be the hours ahead of them and the companionable silence of studying. Silence wasn't ever something that Jude thought he'd be appreciative of, but since meeting Connor, he'd come to realize the value of being able to just sit with one another. It had never been quite like that with he and Dylan, although some of that might have had something to do with teenaged awkwardness. They'd talked, a lot, and whenever the time for silence arose, like when Dylan was painting him and Jude had to be more immersed in whatever book he had decided to read or whatever game he had decided to play than he would normally would be, it had been borderline uncomfortable. Jude didn't know if he'd ever been truly uncomfortable with Dylan, but those were the moments he had come closest.

But with Connor, it was nice to finish breakfast together and do the breakfast clean-up, even though Connor assured him he didn't _have_ to help, and Jude said it was only fair that he did. It was nice to gather their textbooks and Connor's painstaking notes and to sort out the best way to study. Jude ended up stretching out on the couch, making cue cards, while Connor sat on the floor, his back against the couch, so he could spread all of his things out and make sure his notes were in order. Jude diligently wrote on the cards, trying his best to make sure his handwriting was more legible than it normally was. They were able to study for two hours before Jude felt his mind start to wander, and he found the back of Connor's head more interesting than any of the facts he was supposed to be sticking on the cue cards.

Connor's hair hung low toward his shirt collar; it was getting so shaggy, in fact, that Jude couldn't see any of his neck until he bent low over the coffee table, frowning at something he'd just written. Jude wanted to slide down behind him, cradle him close like Connor was always holding Jude. He wanted to bend his head and kiss along Connor's neck, smooth his hands over Connor's chest, let his fingers pick at the button on Connor's jeans, all while Connor fell back onto him, relaxed and wanting him too.

Connor stretched, half turning, and rested his hand against Jude's ankle. "How are the cue cards?"

"Uh … being a little ignored." Jude looked down at the index cards. "There's only so long you can stare at mythology."

"Do you need a break?"

"You don't?"

"No. This is how I spend most of my days."

Jude should have expected that. Connor turned to lean against the side of the couch, his head resting on Jude's shin.

"Breaks can be good," Connor said. "I should probably take more of them."

Jude leant forward. "Then it's good we balance. You make us study, I make us take breaks. And, when we've got all day and you can stay the night again, we can take as many breaks as we want."

"I can't stay again."

"Why not? It's break."

"It's not that I don't want to. I _can't_."

"Why?"

"I have things to do tomorrow, and I want an early start. You have a habit of, um, tying me up."

Jude laughed. "I should be so lucky."

Connor cocked his head to the side. "So, it's not a foot fetish with you, it's a bondage thing."

Jude burst out laughing. "What?"

"What?" Connor repeated, all innocence in his eyes. "When we went to the night market, we talked about feet and now you're here saying you want to tie me up, so …"

"I know, I know. I'm just surprised you said it."

"Was it the wrong thing to say?"

"No, you're funny baby, that's all." Jude grinned. "Not that you'd let me tie you up."

"No. But, I don't think you'd ask me, either."

"A second ago, you'd decided it was my fetish."

"I _asked_ ," Connor said. "Not that you answered."

Jude deflected. "Why don't you think I'd ask?"

"We've been officially dating for almost two months but we've been close for three and we've done nothing but kiss. In a lot of other relationships, you'd have at least _asked_ for something more. In a lot of other relationships, you'd have probably gotten it. You know I'm not there yet, and so you wouldn't ask. You're not that guy, Jude."

"If I was that guy, I wouldn't get you to date me."

"Meaning if you didn't want to date me, you would be that guy."

Jude bent forward so that his forehead was just above Connor's, their lips barely touching. "I never said that. I just meant, I want to be the best version of myself when I'm with you. Not because I think it'll make you like me more, that's just what you do to me."

"You're too much."

"And I'm not so pure that I'm not going to ask you to kiss me," Jude added.

"Then ask," Connor said.

Connor pushed himself onto the couch and Jude took a chance to slide his legs onto Connor's lap, thinking of how Connor had kissed him on the beach. He wanted that again. He wanted that to become a normal part of them; it was a stepping stone. He wanted Connor to be comfortable with physicality, and Jude could admit that desire was completely selfish on his part. Connor slowly walked two fingers from Jude's ankles to his knee. Jude's leg jerked.

"That kind of tickles."

"Sorry."

"Not necessarily bad. I thought you were going to kiss me."

"I thought you were going to ask me to."

"Will you kiss me, baby?"

Connor cradled Jude's jaw in his hands and slowly pressed their lips together. Jude knew immediately that he wasn't going to get the steamed kiss that he was hoping for, but he wondered if he was imagining the underlying heat that steamed their kiss. He didn't think that he could make up a feeling like that, particularly if it was one-sided. When Connor's lips left his, Jude just felt the feeling of satisfaction; the kind of welcoming feeling one got when walking into their own home after a long trip away.

"So, what do you have to do tomorrow, anyway?" Jude asked.

"Christmas shopping," Connor said. "I don't have anything for Dad or you."

"You don't have to get me anything."

"Of course I do. That's what Christmas is for, giving gifts to the people that matter to you. Also, you have something for me."

"That doesn't matter. I just saw something I thought you would like, that's all."

"What would you like?" Connor asked. "I'm not sure I know what to get you."

 _You could decide to spend the night half-naked in my bed_. "I'm sure you'll find me something great, baby. It's the thought that counts and all of that."

"I think I fail at that too. I've _been_ thinking, Jude, and I just don't know. I'm not so good at picking out gifts."

"There's nothing I really need."

"That's part of the problem too," Connor said. "I think I think about things that are too useful, but you don't need anything like that either."

"The cactuses weren't useful and I really liked those. You could keep adding to my collection." Jude propped his elbow up on the back of the couch.

Connor shrugged and shifted in his spot, lying his hands on Jude's legs. "But you didn't care about cactuses before me."

"I care now."

Connor tugged at Jude's shirt and Jude leant forward. "What?"

"You're usually so good at giving me a straight answer."

"Are you trying to guilt trip me?"

"No!" Connor shook his head and then he paused. "Why? Would that work? I don't think I could do it, but I'd at least think about it if it'd work."

Jude laughed. "You could try it. Honestly, I can't think of anything."

"If you think of something before tomorrow …"

"I will tell you," Jude promised. "What are you getting your dad?"

"I don't know. Mom always bought him a chocolate orange for his stocking, so I know I'm going to get him one of those. Other than that, he's like you. I don't know what he wants or what he needs. I guess that's because I don't really know him."

"I'm sure he'd love whatever you got him. It's got to be special to spend this Christmas with you."

Connor nodded. "I keep hoping when I go shopping that something will just jump out at me, but I don't think that's how it works."

"Sometimes it can."

"I guess I'll see tomorrow." Connor kissed Jude briefly. "We should go back to studying."

"I thought we were taking a break."

"We did! That was a break."

"You and I define break very differently," Jude said, laughing. "Come on, I know you're already good at this stuff. We can take a longer break, can't we?"

"How well do you know this stuff?"

"I'll pass the exam," Jude said confidently, nudging his nose against Connor's. "What's a longer break going to hurt?"

"Nothing, I guess," Connor said, and then he kissed Jude first.

Jude melted into Connor, thinking of nothing but the heat of Connor's hands and the fact that Jude was too in love him. But he could deal with one of those two things later.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Banana Pancakes**_ **by Jack Johnson (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	44. Don't Worry About Me

"Hi, Dad."

Connor adjusted his laptop screen to better see his father.

"I was about to start packing this morning," Adam began, "And then I thought of something."

"What's that?"

"You don't have luggage there."

"Oh." Connor leant back in his desk chair and then straightened up. "I … guess I was wrong to assume. I th-th-thought you'd just bring my b-bags with you."

It was what they'd done before. With the lack of space that Connor had in his room, there hadn't been any place to store suitcases, so after Connor had unpacked his dorm room, Adam had flown his empty bags back home with him.

"That was my plan after I realized I had to," Adam said. "I just thought I should talk to you, because that doesn't give you a lot of time to pack. Is that going to be okay?"

"It should be. I'll have everything organized for the morning you land, so I just have to transfer it into bags when you get here."

"Good, good," Adam mused, and then he asked, "I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

"I was just doing some studying. But it's for my last exam and I'm going to be overprepared for it."

"Not a bad thing," Adam said. "Just make sure you're doing your best."

It was a very father thing to say. Connor nodded, because Adam acting like a father wasn't something that he had gotten used to yet. He didn't dislike it, but he was just never sure how to react to it. That worried him, because if they grew this awkward in a four minute Skype conversation, he didn't understand how they were going to spend two and a half weeks in New York with one another. He just hoped that there would be enough _new_ things to talk about that it would keep them going. Dinner plans could take up a good amount of conversation. The thing that Connor was really looking forward to was hearing stories about his mother. Adam had promised, and that was all Connor wanted.

"I am, Dad."

"Good. Have you thought about what restaurant you want to go to with Jude? Pick anywhere you want."

"I'm still thinking about it. It'll be a good place," Connor swore. "Where would you like to go?"

"Where you would," Adam said. "You're living there. You know what's good. I trust you."

Connor didn't want that burden. It was food, but a lot depended on that dinner. It was when Adam would meet Jude, and Connor needed them to like one another. He needed them to get along. If Adam liked Jude, then it was proof to Connor that Jude truly was different from Connor's ex. Connor _thought_ Jude was; he really _believed_ Jude was. Still, Connor didn't always trust his own mind. He didn't think his perception was always trustworthy. If Adam liked Jude, then it was a confirmation of everything that Connor thought about Jude. Connor was anticipating on being proven right. He really didn't think it was possible to misconstrue just how _good_ Jude was.

"All right, well, I'll let you go," Adam said, "so you can get back to studying."

"Okay, Dad. I … I'll see you in a few days."

"See you in a few days," Adam echoed. "I love you."

"You too."

Connor hung up the Skype call and opened his class notes again. He had just finished repositioning his notebook and picking up his pen when his cell phone lit up from his alarm going off. It was time to get ready to see Jude. Connor's heart fluttered as he tucked his school supplies away and stood up to rifle through his small closet. Jude had sent him a text earlier, telling him he should wear something nice. He had specified that it wasn't _formal_ , but to wear nice jeans and something that wasn't his normal t-shirt and button up. Now, Connor was at a loss of what to wear. He didn't have a lot of nice clothes and university. He hadn't thought he'd be doing anything that would warrant them. And he wondered what Jude could also be planning. He wondered if he'd like it. He'd never really disliked any of Jude's plans before, but something _nice_ might just be too far out of his element. He'd never done _nice_. With his ex, they were either at home, or they were out somewhere fancy and formal. That was the life that Connor knew how to navigate.

He dug out his darkest pair of jeans and was glad that he kept up on his laundry. Then, he pulled on a white tank top and started searching for a button-up that could be considered nice. Nothing plaid counted. Did he have _anything_ that was a solid colour? He must. And he found it: a light grey shirt, hidden at the bottom of his shirts. It still had the tags on it; something new his father had bought him to take to school with him. He carefully snipped off the tags and pulled it over his shoulders, quickly doing up the buttons. He smoothed out the front of the shirt and looked down before realizing he needed a mirror. He flicked on his bathroom light and stepped inside, trying to inspect his reflection through a lens that didn't sound like his ex. He thought he looked okay, but what did he really know?

Connor checked the time again. Jude should be here soon. He started rifling through his jackets and sweaters. Would it be chilly tonight? Would they be outside or inside? He knew Jude wanted to surprise him with the date, but Connor wished he had more details. He couldn't even decide on something as simple as whether or not to wear a jacket. It was easier when his ex dressed him; he didn't have to go through the endless parade of whether or not he was going to be under-dressed or overdressed or what Jude would be wearing comparatively. He finally pulled on a light, plain black soft jacket.

His phone buzzed. Jude was here.

Connor picked up the Christmas present he had gotten for Jude and carefully wrapped in tissue paper before placing it in a festive bag. He hoped Jude liked it. _Really_ liked it and not just said he did for Connor's sake. He knew that happened with gifts sometimes. He didn't want this to be what happened with _this_ gift. But he would also understand it if it did. He knew he wasn't good with knowing what to get people for presents.

He went to put it into his backpack and then hesitated. Should he bring his backpack at all? Was the place they were going to _too_ nice for a bag like that? His legs locked with his indecision and the pressure of Jude already being in the parking lot. Finally, he picked up the bag. If he thought the place looked too nice from the outside, he could leave the bag in the car. Yes, that was a good compromise.

He shouldered his backpack and hustled down the stairs, worried about creasing his shirt too much, He wanted to Jude he think he looked good. He wanted to impress Jude. He made it to the parking lot and anxiously opened Gerald's door. The overhead light of the car popped on, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't overdressed compared to Jude. Wherever they were going, he wasn't going to stand out. He made himself comfortable and placed his bag by his feet. Then, he leant across the console and kissed Jude's cheek.

"You look nice."

Jude seemed to light up after the compliment. "Thank you, baby. So do you."

"Thank you." Jude started the car and put it in reverse.

Connor leant his head against the window. "Can I ask where we're going yet?"

"Ehh, you _can_."

Connor thought he knew that tone. "Would you answer?"

"I would say that we're almost there and you won't have to be curious for too long. I promise."

"I see."

"Are you going to ask?"

"No," Connor said. "I think I can wait a little longer."

"I think it'll be worth the wait. At least, I hope so. I've never actually done any of what we're doing tonight, so, at least it'll be an adventure together."

"What kinds of things haven't you done before?" Connor asked hesitantly. He could think of one glaring thing, but he was sure that idea had just sprung from his paranoid mind and not any true plans that Jude had. He had to learn to calm down.

"Sky diving. Pie eating contest. I don't remember ever eating eggplant but I'm not entirely sure that one _didn't_ happen."

"None of those things sound like something that you would tell me to look nice for."

"Maybe I just thought it would be nice if you looked nice."

"Is that the truth?"

"No. It's a bit of a … classy date."

Jude pulled into a parking lot and Connor frowned. "The beach?"

"The beach. Part one."

"What's part two?"

"Come on, you don't even know for sure what part one is yet. Part two is just going to be icing on the cake. Uh, so to speak."

Jude opened his door and got out. After a moment's hesitation, Connor did the same. He looked out over the nearly deserted beach and decided to leave his bag sitting where it was on the floorboards of the car. Anything could be waiting for him on the beach. Jude had popped open Gerald's trunk. He had a large cooler in one hand and was pulling a blanket out of the trunk.

"Here, baby, can you carry this?"

Connor took the blanket from Jude, folding it over his arms so that no part of it would touch the ground. He was even more confused now than when they had set out.

"Let's go," Jude said, and he slammed the trunk shut.

 _Go where_? Connor wanted to ask, but he kept his mouth shut as Jude led the way down to the sand.

"I'm glad it's nice tonight," Jude said. "I didn't exactly have a back-up plan if the weather got too bad. You're not cold or anything, are you?"

"No. I'm okay."

"All right. Uh, let's go, we're just a little further down. I had to go scouting for a good place a few days ago."

Connor followed quietly, trying to look for something that would indicate some kind of event happening on the beach tonight, but there was nothing. There were only three other people that he had seen, and only one of them, an evening jogger, was going in the direction that he and Jude were. They finally reached the spot that Jude had picked, which didn't look any different from the beach they had just walked down. He looked around; there was a grassy hill above them, water in front of them, and sand all around. Nothing new, nothing interesting. Jude wedged the cooler into the sand, took the blanket from Connor and fluffed it out across the ground, and then slipped off his shoes to go and sit in the middle of it.

"Join me?" he asked.

Connor carefully took off his shoes one at a time, making sure to put his sock foot on the blanket to try and minimize the sand.

"What are we doing here, Jude?"

"Well," Jude said, turning on his phone screen. "In about ten minutes, the university symphony is going to be playing a charity holiday concert up on the hill. We can hear it from here and eat the picnic I packed us." He patted the cooler and then added, "Unless you hate the idea."

Connor looked up the hill; he couldn't see anything. He couldn't hear anything yet either. "No, it sounds great!"

"But?" Jude asked. "I sense a 'but'."

"If it's a charity concert, I feel bad not paying for tickets."

"Which is why I donated the price of the tickets so we can have a guilt free evening."

Jude really had thought of everything. Connor tucked his knees underneath him and leant forward to press his lips against Jude's. "You're too sweet."

"You deserve it," Jude said. "Deserve more than I have, but I'm so glad you're happy with me."

"How could I not be?" Connor asked. If he were going to try and be poetic, and he should, with how his class schedule was next term, he would compare Jude to the first ray of sunshine after a long winter; the warm breeze of spring that brought life back to the frozen ground. "Thank you for picking this out tonight. It's not something I would have thought of."

"Well, I heard about this and I thought that if we hated it then it wouldn't be hard to leave."

"After I see what you put in our picnic basket."

Had that been too forward? No. Jude was smiling at him.

"I think you should get your hopes up for this part," Jude said.

"Did you cook?"

"No, I said you should get excited." Jude paused, his hand on the top of the cooler. "Would you like it if I cooked for you more?"

"I wouldn't … hate it."

"Then, first time I see you, after you come back from break, I'll make you dinner. A big one, like you make for me."

"I'd really like that."

"But let's focus on tonight's dinner, okay?"

"Okay."

Jude opened the large cooler and the first thing he pulled out was a large, light green bottle. He passed it over to Connor and he quickly inspected the label. Sparkling apple-pear cider. Explicitly non-alcoholic. Still, it didn't seem like something that would be casually picked up at the grocery store.

"Are we celebrating something?"

"A good date, the end of exams, the break we're about to have. Take your pick, baby. Maybe it's just the fact that it's going to be a good night."

It was a presumptuous statement, but Connor felt that way too. A good night. He and his boyfriend, on a beach, under the stars, drinking sparkling cider and listening to a symphony. Tonight, honestly, felt like a page from someone else's life.

"What we're not going to celebrate is the fact that I forgot to bring glasses."

"I kiss you. I can drink out of a bottle after you."

"It's just not as classy as I was picturing. Well, at least we have the other food."

The other food turned out to be different kinds of finger sandwich, fruits accompanied by a sweet caramel dip, and different crackers, cheeses, and meats with two different dips.

"It seems like so much."

"Well, it's all snack based, right? I figure we can nibble on them for as long as we want. The concert is supposed to last for about two hours."

"I like that idea. What should we try first?"

"Uh." Connor looked at the options before him. "Crackers and cheese!"

"Crackers and cheese it is." Jude took the top off the platter. "Want to open the cider?"

Connor peeled the top off and wiggled the cork free. He passed the bottle over the platter to Jude. "I think the first sip belongs to you."

"Thanks. And, cheers? I don't know how we do that without glasses."

"It's the spirit of it, I think. Shouldn't you cheers to something?"

Jude looked at the bottle and then at Connor. "Cheers to first semesters and meeting you." He took a long drink from the bottle and then gave it back to Connor. "Your turn."

Connor ran his thumb over the smooth side of the glass bottle. "Cheers to, um, second semesters and getting to know you even more."

He took his sip, and then heard the sound of violins. He put the bottle on the bottom of the cooler to keep it stable and then looked out over the waves. It was like a choreographed scene from a movie. Except it wasn't a movie. It was how his life was now; Jude did that for him. He turned back to his boyfriend and built himself a sandwich of crackers and meats and cheese. The music was nice and easy to hear, and he and Jude talked quietly under the swell of the notes. There was no way that the crowd on the hill for the concert would be able to hear them, but it felt disrespectful to talk over the music. They gorged on food and when they could eat no more, Connor took off his jacket to use as a pillow, and Jude tucked against his side. Connor stared up at the sky and watch the stars twinkle. It was a beautiful night and he was happy.

He was so happy.

He nudged his shoulder so that Jude would tilt his head back and look at him. Neither of them said anything, but Connor didn't feel like anything had to be said. He turned onto his side and slid his arm under Jude's back, pulling him close. Jude put his warm hands on Connor's sides and Connor didn't hesitate before kissing him. He was alone, on a beach, on a romantic date with his boyfriend who he was going to kiss. Because he liked kissing Jude and he knew that Jude liked kissing him too.

"We should kiss to this music more often," Jude said. "It makes it seem more epic."

Connor laughed. He almost responded, but then Jude kissed him again and Connor would much rather think about kissing him, even though the music that surrounded them felt as though it completed the scene. He pulled Jude in closer to his body and his heart skipped a beat. He didn't know if it was a pang from his past or just the thrill of having Jude be so close. Despite what Jude said about liking having a boyfriend that looked like Connor did, Connor had to disagree. He'd been with a man who was nothing but hard muscles and he would pick Jude, soft and sweet, to hold close every time.

Jude slid one arm further up Connor's back and pressed his hand against Connor's shoulder blade. Connor shifted his weight onto his elbow and tilted his head so that he and Jude were just looking at each other.

"How far are you trying to push me?"

"How far are you going to go?" Jude teased, and then he relaxed his head against Connor's bundled jacket. "I'm just kidding, baby, this is perfect."

Connor nodded. Jude's thumb brushed his ribs and then Jude slid his hand around to Connor's lower back. It wasn't low enough that it would ever bother him under normal circumstances, but he hadn't realized that the back of his shirt had ridden up and Jude's hand was on his bare skin. For a moment, they were both frozen, and then Jude pulled his hand away.

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't realize."

Connor nodded again. No, he knew that Jude hadn't mean it. He still had to sit up and smooth his shirt back down. He wasn't sure he wanted to lay back down next to Jude and so he picked up the halfway empty cider bottle, just for something else to busy himself with. Jude propped himself up on his elbows and was watching Connor. He didn't know if he liked the way that Jude was looking at him. Not that Jude's look was bad; it certainly wasn't predatory. Jude was just looking at him too closely and Connor wondered what it was that he saw. If he could like anything that he saw.

"Cider?"

"Sure." Jude sat up and took the bottle. "You okay?"

"Yeah, of course. You didn't mean to. I didn't know. You didn't hurt me, Jude, I just don't like surprises like that. I like surprises like how tonight has been."

"Well, it's not over yet. There's still part two."

"Right, part two. You didn't have to go this far, you know?"

"Of course I did. It made you happy. And it makes me happy to do this stuff." Jude's dark eyes felt like a probe against Connor's soul. "I like putting effort into you, baby. That shouldn't make you feel so bad."

"You're right," Connor said.

Jude put the bottle back in the cooler and then he shifted closer to Connor again. He put his arms around Connor, his forearm resting against Connor's covered back. He snuggled his face against Connor's shoulder and Connor gently put his cheek on the top of Jude's head. The music swelled around them, suddenly robust and intense to the point where Connor wouldn't have been surprised if the stars shattered in response to the sound.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"C-C-Could you do it again?"

"Do what?"

"Put your hand on my back," Connor whispered. "I want to know what it feels like when I'm expecting it."

"You sure?"

"I asked, right?"

"Right. You know what you want and I shouldn't be so overprotective." Jude's head shifted and when Connor looked down, he was grinning.

Connor pressed a kiss to Jude's forehead and he felt Jude's fingers gently pull gently at his shirt layers. When the cool air hit his back, this time he wasn't too preoccupied to notice. He felt goosebumps rise on his lower back and his arms, which only grew when Jude's chilled fingertips touched his bare skin.

"What do you think?"

"I think it feels okay. You don't scare me, Jude."

"Good." Jude kissed Connor's jaw, and then his hand flattened against Connor's back. "And how's that?"

"That's okay too. Can … can you not move your hand? Just hold it there? Please."

"Sure," Jude agreed.

"And can I ask a question?"

"Yeah?"

"When does part two start?"

"About fifteen minutes after the concert is over. Which should be really soon."

"Do I get any hints?"

"It's the real reason I told you to dress nice," Jude said. "And it won't be just us."

"We're doing a little bit of everything tonight, it seems." Connor sighed. "How do I make that up to you?"

"End of term two date is yours," Jude said.

End of term two. Jude was casually assuming they were going to be together at the end of term two. It wasn't really _that_ far away, and Connor couldn't see why they would break up. Things with Jude were better than he thought it could ever be in a relationship. His conscience gnawed slightly at him. It wouldn't be fair to Jude if Jude wanted love and guaranteed long term and sex and everything that Connor couldn't just commit to, but was _terrified_ of. He didn't know if it would right to try and stay with Jude knowing that they wouldn't get to where Jude wanted them to.

"It's still a lot to live up to. Classical music on a beach?"

"Too over the top?"

"No. If it'd been a private orchestra for us, that might be a different story."

"Well, that _was_ my first choice," Jude joked, "but the band was already booked."

Connor bent his head and kissed Jude, who let out a small gasp against Connor's lips. Connor hadn't expected the momentarily tightening of Jude's fingers against his skin. He tensed and Jude's hand slipped away.

"No, you don't have to."

"And I don't want to. But, I think the concert just ended, and we have to go. We're on a schedule!"

Jude jumped to his feet and offered Connor his hand. Connor let Jude help him and watched him toss the remains of their dinner into the cooler. Jude handed him the open cider bottle to hold.

"What kind of schedule?"

"Well, we have reservations."

Connor paused halfway through slipping his shoes on. "Reservations? But we had dinner."

Jude grinned mischievously. "I didn't say they were for dinner. Hold the cooler too, please?"

Connor took the cooler so Jude could put on his shoes and shake out the blanket.

"What else could we have reservations for?"

"Come on and find out."

Jude offered his hand. Connor grabbed it and they hurried down the beach together, back to Gerald. Jude opened the trunk and hefted the blanket inside. He tucked the cooler in and then looked at the cider bottle.

"I hope the cops don't think we're drinking and driving."

"Uh, I can cop watch," Connor offered.

"Thanks, baby, you're the best," Jude said, laughing.

He held Connor's door open for him, and Connor quickly buckled himself in.

"How far away are our reservations?"

"Mmm, five minutes? No more than ten. We're close by."

Connor tried to think of what was close by, but he couldn't come up with anywhere that Jude would take him and that didn't involve food. Jude was right; it didn't take them long at all to get to where they were going. It was a week night and it wasn't as if they lived in a busy, downtown area. Jude signalled into a new parking lot and Connor squinted.

"This looks like a restaurant. I thought you said we weren't going for food."

"I said we weren't going for dinner. Come on, baby."

Connor didn't want to make them even the slightest bit late and he scrambled out of the car. He and Jude walked through the front door, immediately meeting with the hostess behind her podium.

"Welcome to Lynn's Dessert Café! Do you have a reservation?"

Dessert café? Connor thought the fruit had been their dessert. He looked around the café. It was a place that could only be described as frilly. It was bigger than it looked from the outside, giving the tables their own fair share of space, with a few private booths spotted around the walls. There were flowers and candles on every table, with an overwhelming amount of pinks and whites in the colour scheme. For a weeknight, the café was fairly busy, with crowds from all ages. Majority of the people here seemed to be on a date, though there were a few people that seemed more like friends with a sugar craving.

"It should be under 'Adams-Foster'," Jude replied.

"I've got you right here!" she said. She gathered up two menus. "If you'll follow me!"

They were seated at a booth by the windows, Connor facing the street while Jude could overlook the rest of the café.

"What do you think, baby?"

"I think it's the perfect way to end the date."

"End?" Jude repeated. "Does that mean you don't want to come home with me? I was hoping you would."

"Oh! Well, I … packed my pyjamas in my bag. I just felt bad about asking."

"Why's that?"

"Dad lands early in the morning. I promised him I would be in my room so that he could come get me and we would go to breakfast. I'd have to wake you around five."

"I could just go back to bed after taking you home. It's not a problem."

"I'll buy you a coffee on the way," Connor offered, "so I can make up for it."

"It's a deal!" Jude said, and he and Connor shook on it. "I was still going to tempt you back to my apartment, though. I still have to give you your Christmas present."

Right. "I found something for you. I really hope you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will," Jude said happily. "For now, let's think about dessert."

Connor opened his menu and was overwhelmed with the amount of options. All kinds of cakes! And a long drink list. At first he only glanced at it, because the ones at the top of the list were alcoholic, and he thought they were all like that. But he looked again and discovered a long list of Italian sodas, ice cream floats, and coffee combinations he had never seen before. He was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choices in front of him.

"What I would like to know," Jude said, "is what that giant white cake is."

Connor half-turned, seeing the display case, stuffed with all of the cakes on the menu.

"It's a devil's food cake," a passing waitress said. She paused. "And I'll be right back with some waters!"

"Thank you," Jude said, and then he leant on the table. "Well, I'm thinking I just want the devil's food. What are you thinking?"

"I have no idea," Connor confessed. "Uh. Maybe the dark chocolate raspberry cake."

"Oh, that sounds really good too!"

"We can share, can't we?"

"What's the point of not tasting both?" Jude agreed. "I think I'm also going to get an Americano. Do you want anything?"

"Peach Italian soda," Connor said. "I want to try it."

The waitress returned with their waters. "Do you need a few more minutes or have you decided?"

"I think we're good," Jude said, and then he and Connor placed their orders.

Connor toyed with the edge of the tablecloth.

"What's on your mind?" Jude asked.

"I think I was wrong."

"About?"

"About calling moments with my ex the height of romance. I know I didn't really know better then but, now, I think I'm wrong. It was never … _fun_. Tonight was fun. And you did it because you care about me, that's all. Right?"

Jude stretched his arm across the table and Connor put his hand in Jude's. "I wouldn't say 'that's all'. It's too small. You're something, Connor."

Connor didn't know why he was blushing as bad as he was, and he was grateful for the waitress coming over, plates and cups balanced on a tray for them. She placed them down with practiced flourishes.

"Can I get you two anything else?"

"No, thank you," Jude said.

"Enjoy!"

They did. The cake was better than Connor could have hoped for – both his and Jude's – and it seemed to him that he and Jude had equal parts of each other's cake. He knew it was just dessert and he knew that Jude had a sharing nature, and he knew that he was reading too far into it, but he kept thinking that they felt equal. It was just cake, but there was no caring of what belong to who and that was important to Connor. It was almost too much cake; the slices were huge. When the plates were empty and so were their glasses, Connor relaxed against the back of the booth.

"I'm full," Jude said, stretching his arms. "What about you?"

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "Really full."

"Then let's go home, baby."

Connor was happy to do that. Jude held his door open for him again and Connor happily settled into his seat. He rested his head against the window and let his eyes drift as Jude drove.

"Falling asleep on me?" Jude asked.

"Not yet," Connor said. "I think the sugar is getting to me."

"Well, we're home. Come on, I need your help carrying the blanket down the car."

"Okay."

Connor carefully slung his bag over his shoulder and helped Jude unpack the trunk and they walked down to the front door. Connor left the sandy comforter spread over one of Jude's lawn chairs and then followed his boyfriend inside. Jude was in the kitchen, disposing of trash, but that wasn't what caught Connor's eye. On the table, was a package wrapped in bright Christmas paper. It was oddly shaped and the wrapping job was haphazard, but that wasn't what got Connor. It was _big_ ; bigger than he ever imagined it was going to be. It was the size of his torso, at least.

"I think it's pyjama time. What do you think?"

"It sounds good," Connor said.

He took the bathroom, taking his time to wash his face and brush his teeth. He pulled out his favourite sweatpants and then he unbuttoned the grey shirt he was wearing. He looked down at the white tank top and picked up Jude's sweatshirt. He almost pulled it on and then he left it dangling from his hand. He kept it close, but he didn't _have_ to hide from Jude. He opened his bag and took out Jude's gift, and then he packed his clothes back in. He went back into the main room slowly, in case Jude wasn't done changing, but Jude was already stretched out on the couch.

"Come here, baby, they're playing the old _Rudolph!_ "

Connor rested his bag against the back of the couch, placed his gift to Jude on the coffee table, and sat on his side. He saw Jude's head turn to look at him and then it snapped around.

"Wow."

"Wow what?" Connor repeated and he saw Jude staring at him. Connor glanced down at himself quickly. Jude could see so much more of his old wounds than he ever could have before. "Is it about all of the scars because I can put on the sweatshirt or I even had a t-shirt so you can't see all of them. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"What? No. It's …" Jude shook his head. "Um, it's not about the scars. You just haven't shown that much skin before." Jude reached out a hand and rubbed it against Connor's bicep, and then he shook his head again. "Do you want to open your Christmas present?"

Connor side-eyed the large gift. "You took me out tonight. I think you should open yours first."

"That sounds good."

Connor bit his lip as Jude pulled his gift into his lap.

"This is heavier than I expected," Jude murmured.

"I hope you like it."

Jude smiled at him. "Should I shake it? Try to guess."

"Oh, please don't," Connor said. "It might break."

"Hmm," Jude mused, and then he picked at the ribbon wrapped around the bag handles. Connor had intentionally tied it loose and it came off without much effort on Jude's part. He pulled the tissue paper out of the top of the bag with the exuberance of a child, letting it crinkle on his legs. Jude reached into the depths of the bag.

"Oh," Connor blurted, "open the red one first."

"Red," Jude repeated. He peered inside of the bag and pulled it out.

"That's the breakable part," Connor added.

Connor could almost see Jude become more careful with it. He started pulling off the red tissue paper and revealed the yellow mug below. Connor anxiously studied Jude's face, but Jude honestly looked happy about his gift. Connor had seen the mugs at the mall and since one of them had cartoon cactuses on the side, he thought it might be something Jude liked.

"I love it!" Jude said.

"Your turn for my part two," Connor prodded.

Jude laughed and carefully put the mug on the table. He reached back into the bag and pulled out the last item, which was wrapped in glittering green tissue paper. Jude pulled the green tissue paper off more quickly. At first, he only looked confused as he looked down at the collection of thin metal tins, arranged prettily in the box. Connor watched Jude's eyes scan the yellow title.

"Oh, they're all different kinds of hot chocolates!"

"I thought you might like something to put in your mug."

"It's wonderful! I love it!" Jude smiled brightly. "After you open yours, I'll make us some."

"You don't have to."

"I _want_ to. It's Christmas. It's the time for giving. Now, come on, your turn!"

Connor looked nervously at the large gift and he turned on the couch so that he and it were facing each other. He got the feeling that Jude, once again, had done too much for him. He pulled the gift toward him and it was so much lighter than he thought. Perhaps he had gotten the wrong idea. But he was still suspicious of it. He pulled it onto his lap and it squished under his hands and he become more confused. Had Jude bought him a pillow? He slowly picked at the tape on the top of the gift and then ripped the wrapping paper down the sign, severing several snowmen as he went. He held his breath, and opened it all of the way revealing what was inside.

A big stuffed elephant.

It was grey, with massive ears and big blue eyes. Connor ran his hands over it and it felt soft and silky. He didn't remember the last time that someone had bought him a stuffed animal.

"What do you think?" Jude asked. "I almost thought it was too childish, but it's cute, and you did ask for an elephant."

Connor wrapped his arms around the elephant, its large head resting on his shoulder. "I love it."

"You do?"

"Yeah." Connor stretched out his arms and Jude hugged him tightly, squashing the elephant between them. "I really do."

"I think if you check the tag on its butt, you'll find out it has a name."

Connor sat back and flipped the elephant over, straightening out the tags so he could see what they said. "Ellie. That's a little cliché."

"You could always change it," Jude suggested. "What do you think?"

"I think I want you to pick," Connor said. "Yeah. I want you to pick."

"Hmm." Jude studied the elephant. "Ampelos."

"Ampelos? Wasn't that a satyr?"

"Yeah, he was. But, like, it's a fun name to say and one of the few I remember that's not a major god."

"Ampelos," Connor said again. "I like it."

Jude leant across the couch to kiss Connor quickly. "Commercial break! Hot chocolate time!" Jude bounced from the couch, picking up his Christmas presents, and carrying them into the kitchen.

Connor laughed. He pulled the plaid blanket down off the back of the couch and wrapped it around him. He held his elephant close to him and rested his head on the back of the couch, watching Jude make hot chocolate. He felt happy and content. It had been that good of a night; uplifting and sweet.

"What kind of hot chocolate did you pick?" Jude asked.

"The raspberry hot chocolate." Jude balanced the two warm mugs and carried them back into the living room. "And I barely missed any _Rudolph!"_

They curled on the couch together, sipping hot chocolate and watching the rest of Rudolph. Connor kept Ampelos tucked under one arm while Jude snuggled under the other. He didn't want the movie to end. He wanted to keep this kind of moment close. But, eventually the credits rolled.

"I'm sleepy," Jude said. "Are you sleepy?"

"Yeah. And I have to be up early tomorrow."

" _We_ ," Jude said. "It's not like I'm letting you walk home."

"You could."

"No." Jude pecked Connor on the cheek. "I'm going to go brush my teeth. Do you have an alarm set for morning?"

"No. I will."

Which he did immediately after Jude got off the couch. He then carried their mugs into the kitchen, put the plaid blanket back in its spot, and then he started tidying up Jude's bed a little. He didn't understand how Jude could sleep in an unmade bed every night.

"Are you sleeping with me tonight, baby?" Jude called.

"I'd like to."

"Good. That's where I'd like you to be."

Connor glanced over at the bathroom, where Jude was leaning out the bathroom door slightly, his toothbrush in the corner of his mouth. Jude winked at him and Connor laughed.

"What?" Jude asked. "Do you not think I'm cute enough to pull it off? What do you have against my toothbrush anyway?"

Connor laughed again. "Do you think you look cute enough to pull it off?"

Jude leant back in the bathroom and Connor heard him spit in the sink. Then, Jude was back. "I think you always think I'm cute."

"I think you're right. Can Ampelos come to bed too?"

"Yeah. Do it. I'm glad you like him."

"It's hard not to," Connor said, and he balanced the elephant on the pillow he'd sleep on. "Thank you, Jude."

"You're welcome." Jude crossed the room and kissed him again. Jude's hands ran up and down Connor's arms. "I really like the tank top."

Connor kissed his cheek and then he slipped out of Jude's grasp so he could go brush his own teeth. A few minutes later, he was turning out the few lights that were left on in the apartment. Jude was already on his side of the bed, texting.

"Drunk Taylor says hello. Also, she loves you, but not as much as she loves me, and she's not going to apologize for it."

"I think that sounds fair." Connor climbed onto the end of the bed. "Should I get the curtains?"

"Yeah." Jude sighed. "Drunk Taylor is calling me. Hey, Taylor."

Connor could hear her shriek through the phone, but he couldn't understand a single world that she was saying. He busied himself with pulling the curtains around and the bed, leaving the gap that he liked at the bottom open.

"No, I'm not putting you on speaker … I'm sure the vodka loves you too … Right. I do suggest you go find Daria. Mhmm … Mhmm … No, I am listening. I promise." Jude met Connor's eyes and lifted his hand, making the 'blah, blah, blah' gesture. "Yes, I'll be seeing you in, like, three days … Absolutely, we can drink and talk about the thing … Taylor, if Daria is throwing up, take her home … Yes. Call Thomas now … I love you too. Bye. Be safe!"

"Everything okay?"

"It's a typical exam season for Taylor," Jude said. He parted the curtains slightly and pushed his phone onto the nightstand.

"Oh." Connor snuggled under the blankets, moving Ampelos to the very corner of the pillow. "Can I ask what 'the thing' is?"

"Who knows. She's drunk. She could just want to talk about what I got her for Christmas. Do you need the long pillow again?"

"Um. No. I want to know what it's like without it."

"Do you think cuddling is involved?"

"Um. Let's try it. Let's see."

The mattress squeaked as Jude shifted around, and then Jude's back pressed to Connor's chest. Connor wrapped his arms around Jude tightly. Jude's hand found his own and Connor held onto him. He kissed the back of Jude's head.

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah. Goodnight, Jude."

"Goodnight, Connor. See you bright and early."

Connor laughed slightly and echoed, "See you bright and early."

Then, he closed his eyes and drifted off to his dreams.

(-.-)

 _Connor balanced on his small step ladder and reached into the box he was holding against his hip. His carefully picked up one of the bright gold ornaments and sought out one of the naked branches. From his vantage point, he looked down at the rest of the tree that he had spent the afternoon decorating. His boyfriend had brought it home when he came back from his lunch break and had simply left it on the front porch for Connor. Out of everything that happened at Christmas, Connor thought that putting a tree up on his own was the worst thing. Decorating a tree alone was just sad. He used to do that with his mother and father; Dad would hold him up to get the high branches and Mom would pass him the ornaments._

 _Connor climbed off the stepping stool and moved it to the side before climbing back up. He only had a few ornaments left. He heard the front door open and he called out softly; his boyfriend always liked to hear where he was in the house. He heard his boyfriend's footsteps._

 _"What's this?"_

 _Connor half-turned on the stepping stool. "You … you told me to decorate. I hope you like it. These are the ornaments your mother bought us last year."_

 _His boyfriend approached him slowly, coming to a stop just behind Connor. "I thought I told you to be finished when I got home."_

 _"Oh, well …" Connor looked down in the box he was holding. "There's only three left. Would you like to help?"_

 _"I would_ like _you to do ask I ask."_

 _"I know, I'm sorry, I tried my best, but –" Whatever Connor was going to try and explain about how hard it had been to get the tree straight in the tree stand vanished when two large hards pressed flat against his back and he was shoved abruptly off his stepping stool._

 _The box went flying from his hand as he tried to catch himself, but he just ended up hugging the tree and getting handfuls of broken ornament glass as he crashed to the ground. The wind rushed from his lungs as he tried to push himself up. His knee hurt. What had happened to his knee?_

 _"I expect dinner in an hour."_

 _"It'll be ready."_

 _"And clean this up. Do you think I'm made of money? What have you got against Christmas trees anyway?"_

 _Connor scrambled off the tree, trying not to hurt any of the abused branches. He blinked rapidly. "I … will fix it immediately. I don't know what I was thinking."_

 _His boyfriend gently cupped his chin and kissed his lips. "It's not your fault you're so thoughtless, Connor. It's why you leave the thinking to me, right?"_

 _"Right," Connor whispered. "I love you."_

 _"You're not bad, just hare-brained," his boyfriend said. "Get to cleaning. You can't leave a mess like this around."_

 _"No, of course not."_

 _His boyfriend turned and walked out of the room, probably to go up to his office. He was always doing paperwork. Sometimes, Connor felt more lonely when he was home than when he was gone. When he heard his boyfriend walking around upstairs, Connor turned and looked at the tree. Dinner in an hour; he had to have the tree done by then too, or else his boyfriend would be angry that he had left the mess lying around for that long. Connor didn't even allow himself a sigh; he just went off to collect the broom._

Connor bolted upright, letting out a long breath. He dislodged Jude from his arms, and he heard the groan of someone who was now half-awake. Connor pressed his hand to his chest, but his heart wasn't pounding the way it did after a nightmare. Connor wouldn't call the remembering he'd just had a _nightmare_. There hadn't been anything scary about it. It had just been one of the matter-of-fact days he'd had.

"Baby? You okay?"

"C-can I have a light, please?"

"Sure." The curtains rustled and then Jude's small bedside lamp turned on. "What happened?"

Connor blinked in the sudden bright light; he made himself focus on Jude's face. He just wanted to remind himself that it was Jude who was here with him and that no one else _was_.

"I had this weird dream-memory. From the … third Christmas we had together." Connor shook his head.

"A nightmare?"

"No. Just a memory. He pushed me into the Christmas tree. My hands were cut up for a while. I wasn't allowed out until they were healed." Connor frowned. Saying it aloud made it sound absolutely horrific, but he didn't feel horrified at it. He should. He really thought he should.

"I'm sorry, baby."

"You didn't do anything," Connor said. "You don't need to be sorry."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"No. I … think I'd just like to go back to sleep. I don't want to be tired for Dad."

"Sleep here or on the couch?"

"Here," Connor said, determined. "But, um, can we put the long pillow back?"

"Of course, baby. It was just too much too soon, that's okay." Jude dragged the pillow back into the position it was in the last time they had slept in bed. "Would you like to leave a light on?"

"No, I don't think so." Connor bit his bottom lip and then he slowly laid down again. He repositioned his elephant on the other pillow and then patted along their 'no man's land' pillow.

"It won't bite," Jude joked.

"I know," Connor said, unsure of what he'd been trying to do at all. "I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Good practice for a few hours from now," Jude joked. "Ready to go back to sleep?"

Connor nodded and Jude plunged the room back into darkness. Connor listened quietly as Jude rearranged the curtain and then shuffled around into a more comfortable position. Connor squinted into the darkness and when he realized Jude was lying facing him, he snaked his hand across the bed and found Jude's bicep.

"What is it?" Jude murmured sleepily, and Connor felt guilty for bothering him _again_. His mind summoned all of the ways it would be easy for Jude to take revenge while they lay in bed together, but he pushed those away. That wasn't _Jude_. Jude had never done those things and he never would do them. Connor found Jude's hand and tugged on it so they were holding hands on top of the separation pillow. "Night, baby."

"Goodnight, Jude," Connor said, hoping he meant it that time. He didn't want to wake up again. Especially, he did not want to wake up Jude again.

He held tightly onto Jude's hand and let his eyes fall shut. He tried to think of happier things. Of the Christmas cookies he would help his mother make; of the first time he could clearly remember playing catch with his father, in his pyjama pants on Christmas morning, the year he was gifted his first baseball glove. Those were the times he would rather go back to when he was dreaming, and as he felt sleep begin to take him, he hoped that was all he would get.

(-.-)

Connor opened his eyes slowly as the alarm began to chime. Jude dragged his hand out of Connor's to flip over and hit the alarm. Connor opened one eye to see Jude burrow his head under the covers.

"Five more minutes," Jude said, his voice muffled.

"I set the alarm so you could hit snooze a few times," Connor admitted.

" _Yes_ ," Jude murmured. "Good."

One of Jude's hands emerged from under the blanket and grabbed a pillow to drag under the covers with him.

"I'm sorry for the early morning," Connor said.

The covers shifted and Jude popped back up, his head on the long pillow between them. He rubbed at one eye, but there was still the crust of sleep remaining in the corner. "I signed up for it. I could have taken you home last night."

"Regret that?"

"No." Jude's eyes drifted shut. "You're cute in the morning."

"Are you awake? Like, really awake?"

"Uh, yes. Not prepared to be vertical. Not yet. Five more minutes."

"But, if you're awake, can you come closer?"

A soft smile bloomed across Jude's face. "Perks of being awake," he murmured, and then he rolled across the long pillow, snuggling into Connor's chest.

Connor held Jude tightly to him.

"Your heart's beating really fast," Jude said. "What are you thinking about?"

"Um, you, being this close. Dad, landing soon." Jude looked up at him and Connor felt the urge to repeat, "You, being this close."

"I've been closer."

"In bed," Connor finished.

"Bad way?"

"Not while you're awake," Connor said. "You're just … It's just … I …"

"What is it?"

Connor wished he hadn't started that sentence now, suddenly embarrassed by all the words that he was thinking of putting into his confession, but if he expected Jude to finish his sentences for Connor, then Connor had to finish his sentences for Jude. It was what was fair, and he and Jude were fair.

"It's, um, just that you're, uh, really cute in the morning too," Connor said. "Really."

A small laugh bubbled from Jude's lips and then he rested his head against the pillow so he and Connor were looking at one another. Jude was just a little too close. Connor was half a moment away from asking him to move back a little when the alarm went off for the second time. Jude groaned and rolled over.

"How many times do I get to snooze before we have to get up?"

"Last one. We have to get up next time."

"Okay." Jude turned the alarm off and then he returned to Connor's side, this time, his back to Connor's chest. He held Connor's arms tightly around him. "This is my favourite."

Connor softly pressed his lips to the back of Jude's neck.

"So, did you decide what restaurant you want to go to with your dad?" Jude asked.

"Yeah. I want to go to the Italian place you took me too before. I was thinking I'd like to try their pasta this time."

"That sounds really good. I think he'd like that place."

"Me too," Connor said. "Um, speaking of Dad."

"Yeah?"

"I'm really nervous. About seeing him again, um, because I feel like I'm different now, compared to the last time I see him."

"I'd agree," Jude said. "You're different than the first time I saw you."

"I'm nervous about him meeting you," Connor added. "I've never introduced him to a boyfriend like this and given my last boyfriend, I don't know what he's going to say. I don't know how he's going to treat you or what I'm going to feel when you're in the same room as him."

"I think it's going to be okay."

Connor considered that. "I don't think you're going to start the next world war, I just don't know what you're going to do."

Jude laughed. "All right, I think that's fair.

"Um, a-a-a-another thing is … Um, until I see how Dad is, maybe we shouldn't be, like, touchy in front of him."

"We're not exactly winning PDA of the year award," Jude teased. "But, I get it. You lead, I follow."

"Thank you."

"It's your dad," Jude said. "It's up to you how things are handled. I'm glad you're letting me into this part of your life, that's all."

"You let me meet your parents."

"Yeah, but I've never had the complications with them that you do with your dad."

"Complications," Connor mused.

"Bad word choice?"

"Never thought to call it that. I –" Connor stopped as the alarm rang for the final time.

Jude pushed away from Connor and turned the alarm off. He sat on the edge of the bed and stretched his arms out, flexing his back. The t-shirt he'd slept in rode up in the back and Connor could see a slip of pale skin. Connor propped himself up on his arm, thinking of what he might do if he were normal. He might reach for Jude, pull him back against the mattress, be able to kiss him in proximity of a bed. He might slide Jude's shirt over his head, touch his fingers to Jude's bare skin and not be afraid of any consequences, because there weren't supposed to be _consequences_ to kissing his own boyfriend when they just wanted to kiss each other. He might hold Jude close until their hair was mussed, they couldn't breathe, and they were too late to meet Adam on time. Then, they would hurriedly get dressed and rush to Connor's dorm, and he would text his father an apology, but he would only feel a little bit guilty, instead of utterly sick like he would now if he were late for meeting Adam.

Jude slid off the bed and Connor heard his bare feet hit the floor. He knew it was time to sit up and move. He couldn't be running late, even though he knew he had left plenty of time. He had to account for human error, long lines at the coffee shop Jude decided he wanted to go to, whatever traffic had decided to be out at this time of morning, and simply for fidgeting around his room and making sure things were perfect for when Adam had arrived. It had been late August the last time he had seen Adam and the months had made a major difference. The phone calls were always short and awkward and Connor didn't know what being face to face with Adam was going to be like now. He knew that he had to get used to it or the weeks of winter break were going to be long ones.

They quickly dressed and Jude held the front door open for Connor.

"Where would you like to get coffee?" Connor asked as they walked up the hill to Gerald.

"There's a bunch of places on the way," Jude said. "I'll just decide what one I'm craving when I see it."

Connor opened his car door and paused. "I don't understand how you operate like that."

"Me either, sometimes," Jude agreed.

Connor sat in his seat and waited for Jude to start the car and back out of his slip of driveway. Connor rested his head against the back of his seat and his phone vibrated. He looked down quickly and typed out a reply.

"Dad's getting his luggage," Connor reported. "And then he's going to be getting his rental car and then he's going to be coming to see me and then … Oh." He let out a long breath.

Jude reached across the console and rested his hand on the top of Connor's arm. "It'll be okay. You're worrying yourself too much, baby."

"Maybe. I'd rather be surprised by the best than disappointed by the worst, though."

"That's one way to look at it," Jude said. He took Connor's hand and pulled it onto his side of the car in order to kiss Connor's fingers. "I hope you're _very_ surprised."

"Me too."

Jude found a coffee place that he wanted to go and they went through the drive-thru. There weren't really a lot of people in the line and it took them only a few minutes to get their order. He took the hot chocolate he had decided to order, but his stomach was churning slightly and he wasn't sure if he could drink it. The thought of seeing Adam again made his heart constrict slightly and his stomach felt like he had chugged acid.

It was only a small drive to the dorms and Connor stared up at the building, even though he couldn't see his room from here. The routines that he had become so comfortable with since arriving at this university were about to be disrupted and he realized how little he had confronted that fact. Even after he came back from the roller coaster ride that was going to be his winter break, he wouldn't be able to go back to how things were. Not exactly. It would be a new term, new people, new professors to get used to, and he wouldn't have a class with Jude. He didn't know how his class schedule was going to line up with Jude's next term. Were they going to be able to have lunch this term, or would Connor have to wait until after class to see him? Would he and Jude be able to see one another less?

Connor didn't like the thought of that. He liked the amount that he got to see Jude.

"No need to be scared, baby."

Connor glanced at Jude. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I can't believe you right now."

"Maybe you'll believe me this time tomorrow," Jude said.

Connor nodded. "I should go upstairs."

"Okay. Text me if you need me."

"I will. And I'll text you what time to be at the restaurant. Is that okay?"

"Absolutely. I'll be there right when you want me to be."

Connor nodded and unclipped his seatbelt. Then, he leant across the console, meeting Jude's lips. Connor would have much rather have stayed in Gerald all day, kissing Jude and imagining that he had no where else to be. He gave Jude one last kiss and sat back.

"I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed.

Connor got out of the car and walked toward his room, the weight of anticipation making it harder and harder to walk.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Don't Worry About Me**_ **by Frances. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	45. Take A Look at Me Now

Connor spread his suitcase out of his pulled down bed, trying not to feel self-conscious about Adam, who was leaning against the door. There wasn't anywhere else for him to go, really, but Connor still felt guilty about not having space for his father. He arranged his clothes quickly along the bottom of the suitcase.

"Don't overflow it," Adam warned. "You'll want room for souvenirs and things."

"Right," Connor said, thinking that he didn't own enough clothing to stuff the suitcase too far beyond its limits, and he already knew that there was no need to take all of it New York City with him.

"Do you need any travel containers or anything?"

"Um, no, I don't think so." Connor straightened one of the shirts, even though it wouldn't matter once the suitcase was moved. He shut the lid slowly and closed the zipper, cringing at its chainsaw sound. It was far too loud in the awkward silence that lived behind he and Adam.

"We'll, you've some time to think about it," Adam said, and Connor nodded. "What would you like to do now?"

It was then that Connor realized that Adam was as nervous as he was. After all, Adam was only human. That was often a fact Connor found hard to confront. Consequently, it was also a talking point in therapy. It wasn't as if Connor _liked_ having such conflicting views of his father, but he still couldn't figure out how to reconcile the doting coach of his youth, the uncaring monster of his teenage years, and the unsure man in front of him now into one father. They all stemmed from the same person, he knew that, but also couldn't figure out _how_ it happened.

"I could show you around campus," Connor offered. "Now that I know some places."

"That would be great," Adam said. "I'd really like that."

And, so they went. Connor wasn't used to doing most of the talking, but when it was he and Adam, he felt like he had to. He took Adam to where his classes had been, telling him bits and pieces about them that had never made them into his phone calls. Connor held tightly onto the edges of his sleeves as they walked.

"Connor, are you happy here?" Adam asked.

"I think you've asked me that before."

"I have," Adam said. "But, not for a while. I want to know if you're answer changed."

Connor paused and looked down at the library. "Yes. I think I am."

"All because of Jude?"

Connor desperately tried to figure out how Adam was feeling, but there was nothing in his tone that gave him away. Adam could have been approving or disapproving. Connor grabbed tightly onto his sleeves and steeled his resolve. It was better to have this conversation now than in front of Jude; Connor should have known it was coming.

"Jude's a big part of it," Connor said. "He hasn't been _all_ of it, but meeting him has made me better, Dad. He's made me confident. If it weren't for Jude, I wouldn't have talked to Jake, and Jake and I are friends now."

"Let's keeping walking," Adam suggested.

"Of course," Connor replied, feeling defeated. He had wanted more of a reply. He followed after his father, hoping that Adam was just trying to gather his thoughts. Connor could understand that; he could appreciate needing a moment of reflection.

"Connor, I worry about you. Maybe more than I should, but, I think it makes sense to us."

Connor nodded.

"To make up for a few lost years and everything that happened in them," Adam explained anyway. "I don't really know what happened when you, uh, when you weren't with me, do I?"

"No," Connor said. He felt like he should add more, but he didn't know what he could say. Did Adam want details? Connor didn't know if he could give them. Sometimes he had to force himself to talk to Dr. Scott, even though he knew that talking to her helped and he usually felt better afterward. He couldn't even bring himself to obviously divulge details to Jude. He knew he spoke about certain memories and other details, but he couldn't imagine ever sitting down with Jude and sharing everything that had happened to him, or even describing a memory from start to finish. The mere thought of it had his heart thudding desperately in his chest.

"I don't really need to, though, do I?"

"No." Connor didn't really think that anyone _needed_ to know. He knew he'd be happier not knowing.

Adam put his hands in his pockets and avoided an angry girl who was yelling at someone equally angry on the other end of her phone.

"Connor, I watched you get consumed by someone before. I worry that it's happening again. You're almost always with Jude. You're always talking about Jude. It's so rare I hear about anything else. I wasn't surprised when we stopped talking every day. I knew that it was too much to ask when you left. I was surprised at how quickly they decreased when you and he got closer. I don't think he's a bad kid. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I don't know if you even realize it. I just don't want you to lose yourself again. Not when we've only just gotten here."

Connor stopped and sat down on one of the stone benches that surrounded some of the larger trees on campus. Adam sat down next to him, leaving less space between them than Connor would have liked. Connor wanted to shift to the side, but he felt like that would be an affront to Adam. It wasn't his father's fault that Connor wasn't comfortable with physical contact, and that was something he had promised Dr. Scott he would work on. He wanted to be able to be comfortable in close proximity to his father, at least. He knew Adam deserved that.

"Dad, I've worried about that too," Connor confessed. "I do think about it a lot."

"And, what do you think?"

"I don't think it's the same. Jude and I can do similar things that I've done before but it doesn't seem the same. Jude always makes things feel like a choice. And he helps me be confident. If it weren't for Jude, I wouldn't be able to be friends with Jake or even leave my room outside of going to my classes. I know I spend a lot of time with him, because it's _my_ choice to. There are days when I leave Jude's house earlier than he wants me to or things like that, because that's what I want. He never fights with me, he never tries to get me to stay when I want to go. I'm there with him because that's where I _want_ to be, not because he's keeping me there. I can talk to him and I know I'm being heard. It's not the same at all, Dad."

Adam leant back. Connor watched his hands carefully fold over his knee. "I trust you, but I just worry about you."

"I know you do. And I don't think it's unreasonable, Dad. It's nice to know that you're there, now, and paying attention. I ... That is, I like how you worry about me, but it also really feels like you're trying to give me my space, which I know I need."

"I just worry about doing the right thing," Adam admitted, "since I know I did the wrong thing for so long."

"I know, Dad, and you are doing the right thing."

Adam smiled at him, and the expression was full of relief. Connor knew that he'd said the right thing, no matter what. He knew, at least, that was the kind of father that Adam wanted to be for him now, and whether Adam was completely there yet or not wasn't what Connor was focused on. He just wanted his father to know that he had forgiven him for everything that had happened between them after his mother had died. The past had to stay the past; that was another thing that being around Jude was teaching him.

"So," Adam said, "how about we get some breakfast?"

"Sure," Connor agreed.

"Know any good places?"

Connor thought of the café he and Jude liked for breakfast. "Yeah, actually, I do."

"Great, let's go."

Connor led the way back to the dorm parking lot. He was starting to feel a little bit better about their long trip to New York, but he guessed that it also depended on how breakfast went.

(-.-)

Jude pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant Connor had picked and stepped out of his car quickly, scanning the parking lot. A few cars down, a door opened and Connor appeared, waving at him. Jude shut the door and locked Gerald. By the time he walked over to where Connor was waiting, Adam had also gotten out of the car. He was taller than Jude would have expected, with dark hair and neatly trimmed facial hair that covered his cheeks and around his mouth. Jude glanced at Connor, trying to get a gauge of how his boyfriend was feeling after a day with his father. Connor looked quite happy, and Jude was glad to see that.

"Hey," Connor said. "Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jude. Jude, this is my father, Adam."

Jude reached and shook Adam's hand. Adam had a strong grip and Jude refused to believe it was his natural hold. He didn't like himself be intimidated. He was ready for it. He was also ready to be interrogated over dinner.

"It's nice to meet you," Jude said.

Adam let go of his hand slowly. "It's nice to meet you too. Should we go in? I hope you're hungry, Jude."

"I am. This place is really good. You like Italian food?" Even to Jude's own ears, he sounded incredibly awkward. He wondered how Connor had managed to do so well with his mothers; Jude wasn't sure how to speak to Adam.

"Sure," Adam said. "There's not much to dislike about pasta."

Jude held the front door of the restaurant open. Adam walked through first and Connor walked by slowly, touching Jude's hand. Jude grinned. They were quickly given a small booth. Connor slid into the side opposite Adam, Jude following him in. Adam watched them the entire time their hostess was resting menus in front of them and promising them water was on the way. Once they were gone, Adam dropped his gaze and opened his menu.

"What's good here?"

"I like the pizza," Jude offered. "Did you like it last time, Connor?"

"Yeah, I did. I w-w-was g-g-going to try their, um, pasta tonight."

Under the table's edge, Jude rested his knuckles against the outside of Connor's leg. He felt bad for Connor's small jump, but then Connor reached one hand down and grabbed tightly onto Jude's hand. Jude resisted the urge to flex his fingers against Connor's tight grip.

"The pasta also looks good," Adam said.

With his free hand, Jude flipped his menu open. They talked about the menu and the menu alone until they had decided what they wanted and they had all ordered. Once the waitress had gone, Adam excused himself to the washroom. Once he was gone, Connor slowly loosened his grip on Jude's hand, but he didn't let go.

"Are you okay, baby?"

"I'm not terrible," Connor said, "but I'm not as good as I want to be either."

"You feel tense."

"I want him to like you," Connor said. "I don't know what Dad's going to say to you and that's bothering me more than anything."

"Well, I can try and kickstart the questioning as soon as he gets back," Jude said. "That way we can know what he's going to say."

"Does he scare you as much as he scares me?"

"You're scared of him?"

"Not, uh, like scared _of_ him. Just … I guess I'm scared about how unpredictable he is. He's either the dad I knew when I was fourteen or he's some mixture of that person and a new person, or he's just a new person entirely. I don't know what one."

"He cares about you."

Connor nodded. "I know. I think. Thank you for coming."

"You know my parents. I want to know your dad."

Connor's smile was beautiful, and if Jude didn't seem Adam returning to the table, he would have leant over and kissed Connor's cheek or, perhaps, would have risked kissing his lips. But he had promised, no PDA in front of Adam, unless Connor managed to tell him otherwise. Jude wouldn't push, but he would keep his hand in Connor's until Connor pushed him away.

Adam took his seat and said, "So, Jude, tell me about yourself."

And, so it began. Jude carefully answered questions about growing up, what he was doing at school and how he liked it. He spent quite a bit of time describing his family tree, but he was used to that; it wasn't the type of family tree that people understood on the first try.

"And what sibling would you say you're closest to?"

"Callie, for sure," Jude said. "Although, I find I don't talk to anyone as much as I like while school's in session. I find that the days sort of blend together and then I look up and realized it's been three weeks since I talked to anyone but my moms."

"You keep busy during the semester, then?"

"Jude works a lot," Connor interrupted. "He's always pretty busy."

"Oh, what's work like?"

Jude answered all of the predictable questions, trying to be as thorough as possible. He'd never claim to be an expert in reading people, but he thought that Adam was just an overprotective father trying to protect his son. He seemed to be just the type of person that Jude was expecting him to be. He didn't think that Connor had anything to worry about on his upcoming trip to New York, but Jude also couldn't be sure. He couldn't know if Adam was just putting on a good show in front of Jude or not, though he doubted it. He really did.

The food was delivered while Jude was talking about how he liked his job. He had to explain that he didn't know what he wanted to do after graduation before he took a bite of his personal-sized pizza.

"A plan is always beneficial," Adam said and then he glanced at Connor. "Though, I guess you don't always have to have one."

"Or have a plan you don't like," Connor quietly added.

"That's true too," Adam agreed. "How's your pasta, Connor?"

"I really like it," Connor said. "I'm glad I decided to try it."

"Good, good."

Jude finished off his first slice. "How do you like your food?"

"It was a good choice of restaurant," Adam said. "I'm glad you picked it, Connor."

"I'm glad Jude showed it to me."

"Ah, well, thank you, Jude."

The rest of the meal continued on with slow conversation. Jude spoke mostly to Adam, rather than Connor. Adam pressed forward with the questioning, and Jude didn't let it bother him. He let Adam know about Dylan, telling him that they had end the relationship well enough that they were still friends. That, more than anything else, seemed to put a satisfied look on Adam's face. When they finished the meal, Adam immediately offered dessert.

"What do you think about that?"

"W-w-w-we've never had dessert here," Connor said. "It might be nice. But don't feel like you have to."

"It's not every day I get to treat you or …" Adam's gaze flicked to Jude "or your boyfriend to dinner. It will probably be a while until I'm able to do it again."

He signalled a waitress and requested a menu. He spread it out on the table and leant forward so they could all get eyes on the dessert list.

"What would you like?" Adam asked.

"Bombolone," Jude read. "Those sound interesting. Or there's always gelato. They have some different flavours."

"I've always liked tiramisu," Adam said. "Though, your mother couldn't stand it, Connor."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Wouldn't even let me eat it in front of her. What would you like, Connor?"

"I think we should get the bombolone," Connor suggested. "It would be easy to share."

"Bombolone it is!" Adam said. "Excellent choice."

The little bit of praise made Connor light up. Adam quickly caught their waitress and put the order in.

"Are these something you'd be able to make?" Jude asked Connor.

"Oh, maybe," Connor said. "They _sounded_ simple on the menu, but I think a lot of things do. It might involve a lot of trial and error."

"I don't see a downside to error doughnuts."

"Do you cook a lot for Jude?" Adam asked.

"Um, a lot of the time when I'm at his house," Connor said. "I like cooking in his kitchen; it's a lot bigger than mine. And it's nice not eating alone."

"I like to pretend you like my company, anyway."

"Of course," Connor said, more passionately than Jude had expected.

Jude caught his eye and grinned, and didn't know if he'd have been able to make himself look away, were it not for the waitress leaving their dessert on the table. The clank of china against wood made him turn his head around. Immediately, Jude looked for Adam's reaction and, for a moment, he felt like he was in Connor's head, always looking at the faces of those around him and trying to gauge what they were thinking from that alone. Jude could never remember doing that with Dylan's parents, but Dylan's parents had never seemed so vital, not in the way that Adam did, anyway. Dylan had never had a bad experience with a boyfriend like Connor had. Dylan's parents had never needed to be protective like Adam was. He thought Adam looked a little amused, but he couldn't imagine _why_.

Adam picked up one of the pastries. "Let's see how these are."

Connor glanced at Jude. "You go."

"Your choice, baby, you get first turn."

Jude realized the 'baby' slip half of a second after Connor did, and mostly because he saw Connor's cheek start to go pink. Connor hadn't explicitly said not to call him by his nickname, but Jude knew that it had been implicit. Adam didn't say a word about it; Jude had to wonder if he was too involved in his dessert, however.

"Try them while they're still warm," Adam encouraged, and Jude reached for his treat.

He was more careful to watch his tongue for the rest of dinner, though it didn't take the three of them long to finish their order of bombolone and for Adam to pay for dinner.

"Thank you for dinner," Jude said.

"Yes," Connor blurted, "thank you. So much."

"Any time, it was my pleasure."

Jude held the door open for them to walk into the breezy outdoors. They shuffled out of the way of the door to linger on the sidewalk in front of Adam's rental car.

"Well, it was very nice to meet you, Jude."

"You as well," Jude said.

When he shook Adam's hand this time around, the grip wasn't nearly as tight.

"D-d-d-ad, I'll be at the car in a second."

"Sure, take your time."

Jude and Connor watched Adam get into the car, and then Connor turned to face Jude.

"How do you think it went?" Jude asked.

"A lot better than I thought it would." Connor smiled brightly. "I really think he likes you, Jude. H-how do you feel about him?"

"I liked him, Connor, I really did. I think it went really well."

"Me too." Connor hesitated and scuffed a foot on the ground."

"What is it?" Jude asked. "Something you're not telling me?"

"Something I'm not asking," Connor said.

"Ask away. I don't bite."

"Not without consent," Connor added cheekily, and Jude had to laugh.

"Are you asking me to bite you? You were the vampire on Halloween." Jude brushed his fingers against Connor's, and Connor hung onto his hand.

"No. I … I'd like to spend the night with you again. If that's all right. I just know I'm not going to see you for a while and I'd rather spend some time with you. A-a-a-and, it's a little selfish, I know, because I'm anxious but I know being around you is going to help. And I feel bad, because I'm going to have to be up early tomorrow too, for Dad to pick me up for the airport."

"Baby, don't worry about it. I'd love you to come home with me."

"I'd get Dad to drop me off. I need to put my bags in his car; they're still in my room. I wouldn't be gone long."

"Take your time; I'll be there. Did you want me to stop at the grocery store? Any snacks or anything you want?"

"No. I-I'm okay. I'll see you soon."

"See you soon."

Jude squeezed Connor's hand, but Connor didn't let go. Instead, he glanced over his shoulder to look at Adam and then refocused on Jude. He leant on his toes and gave Jude a chaste kiss, especially compared to the ones that they had been sharing lately – the ones that haunted Jude's dreams. Still, it made Jude smile.

"I thought you weren't going to do that in front of your dad."

"Me either," Connor said. "But, he's going to have to get used to seeing me with a boy, and I think you passed all of his tests. And I just wanted to kiss you."

"See you soon," Jude said again.

This time, Connor squeezed his hand and turned away, climbing into Adam's car. Jude waved goodbye, and then turned to Gerald. It was going to be a quick drive home.

(-.-)

Connor got into his Adam's rental car, nervously glancing at his father's face. Adam was hard to read as he backed out of his parking spot.

"Left or right from here to go back to your dorm?" Adam asked.

Connor nervously checked around. He was used to Jude being the one in charge of directions. He wasn't completely confident as he instructed his father to go right.

"S-s-so?" Connor asked. "What, um, d-d-did you think?"

"Of Jude?" Adam said.

"Yes," Connor said.

"He seems like a good kid, Connor. I'm glad I was able to meet him. He sounds like he's got a good family and his life as together as I would expect a twenty-one-year-old to have. I am nowhere near as nervous now as I was of the amount of time that you to spend together. You and he seem like a good fit," Adam tacked on.

Connor pressed his hands tightly together. "Really? You mean that?"

"I do. He seems good for you, Connor, and, as long as he stays good for you, I will support the two of you. After that, I'll still support _you_."

"Thank you, Dad, that means a lot."

"Is it right up here again?"

"No, straight for another few streets and then we'll be back on campus," Connor said. "Um, Dad?"

"Yes?"

"I, um, am going to spend the night with Jude. W-w-w-would you mind dropping me off there after, um, we get my bags?"

"Sure," Adam said. "You're comfortable spending the night?"

"Yes. Sometimes he asks me to stay, sometimes I ask to stay."

"Does he spend the night in your room?"

"It's a right here, Dad. And, no, he never has. My room is small. It's nicer to be in his apartment. He's been in my room, though."

"I didn't know that," Adam said. "How was that for you?"

"Good, actually. Dr. Scott said she was proud of me for it."

"I am too," Adam said.

He found a parking spot and Connor went up to his room. Connor did a quick look-through of his things to make sure that there was nothing he was forgetting, and then made sure he had unplugged everything. He gasped when he realized that he had forgotten to water his cactuses; if he did so tonight, they should be fine until he came back. Or so he hoped. He didn't want anything to happen to them, but there was no one that he could ask to water them. Jude was going to be home, an hour away, and he had no one else that could ask.

Connor picked up his bag and backpack, filled with his overnight things. Connor hurried back down the stairs, cringing every time he misjudged where the wheels on his suitcase were and hit it off of one of the stairs. He was relieved to be out in the night air and wheeled his suitcase over to Adam, who was waiting with the trunk open. Even though Connor didn't need the help to heft his suitcase into the trunk, he was still grateful that Adam gave him a hand with it. They were back in his car when Adam asked, "So, I will pick you up there in the morning?"

"Yes. I'll be ready at four-thirty, like you said."

"All right. Show me the way."

The only thing they said on the way to Jude's was directions. Connor didn't know whether or not to be grateful for the lack of conversation. He didn't want their entire time together to be like this, but he was hoping that Adam's silence would break once they were in New York and that he didn't want to run out of things to say too early on.

"Just pull over on the side of the road here, Dad."

Adam put on his blinker, even though there was no one else around. "See you in the morning. Tell Jude to have a 'merry Christmas' for me." Adam paused. "Does he celebrate Christmas?"

"He does, and I will. Thank you, Dad. See you tomorrow."

Connor slid out the car door and closed it as softly as he could and then he headed down the hill. He knocked on Jude's front door and shifted his weight as he saw Jude approaching on the other side of the curtain.

"You could have just come in, you know," Jude said.

"I couldn't have. It's your apartment, Jude."

"I know." Jude gestured him in and closed the door behind him. "I like you being here."

Connor slipped his shoes off. "I hope so. Is the door locked?"

"Feeling paranoid tonight?" Jude asked.

"I'm not paranoid that often," Connor said defensively. "I just want the peace of mind that the door is locked."

"It's locked, I promise," Jude said, attempting to turn the knob and tugging on the door to prove his point.

"Thanks. By the way, Dad says 'merry Christmas'."

"Tell him the same when you see him again," Jude said, smiling.

Connor looked his boyfriend over. "If you're in your pyjamas, I'd like to be in mine."

"Fair, fair. I'll be on the couch, waiting for you."

Connor leant forward and kissed Jude's cheek. Jude's hand reached around to rest on Connor's hip and Connor drew a breath.

"Don't want to?" Jude asked.

"Let me change, first," Connor said. "I thought you were going to wait on the couch."

Jude kissed Connor quickly, close to the corner of Connor's mouth but not completely. "I like it when you flirt with me."

"Does the count as flirting?"

"With the biting thing earlier and the couch thing now," Jude said, "I'd say so."

"Let me get changed," Connor said.

"Mmkay," Jude said. "Don't take too long."

Connor had absolutely _no_ intention of that. He changed quickly, leaving on just his white wife beater like he had last time. He wanted to see if Jude looked at him the same way again or if Jude's gaze focused on his scars. Connor glanced at himself just briefly in the mirror. He didn't want to be just his looks, nor did he want to be just his scars. He wanted to be that _more_ that he thought Jude saw; the one that Jude talked about seeing. He left the bathroom, switching off the light and leaving his bag just behind the couch like he normally did. Jude was stretched out along the couch. Connor slid in behind Jude, who turned around to face him.

"Your toes are cold," Connor complained.

"I can't help that," Jude said, even as he reached up and settled the plaid blanket over the two of them. "Better?"

"When your toes warm, it will be."

Jude laughed. "That's fair. So?"

"So, what?" Connor asked, wrapping his arms tightly around Jude.

"So, did you and your dad talk about me in the car?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"He likes you. Just like I thought. He actually said he thought we were good _together_."

"He said that?"

Connor felt like his grin was going to split his face in two. "He said it!"

"I think we're good together too," Jude said.

"Me too."

Connor could see that way Jude was looking at his lips and he knew the way that Jude's hand was slowly sliding up his bare arm to rest on his bicep. Connor didn't hesitate to lean forward and kiss Jude, soft and slow. It was all that he had intended to do, but then the fact that he wasn't going to see Jude for a few weeks sunk in and Jude's hand slid up his ribs, and something came over him. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jude and pulled him close. Jude tucked himself underneath of Connor, and Connor was glad to lean slightly on him. Jude's hand pressed flat against Connor's back.

"May I?" Jude asked.

"Huh?" Connor said, pulling up abruptly.

"Last night, getting under your shirt … Can I do that again?"

Connor shifted his weight onto his elbow and let his now free hand flutter against Jude's side.

"I can be naked if you want me to be naked," Jude offered.

"I never said 'naked'!"

"No, I did."

"Have you been thinking about that?"

"No more than usual."

Connor decided, from Jude's cheeky grin, that he was just teasing him and wasn't serious. Still, he took the hem of Jude's t-shirt between his thumb and index finger, gently rubbing the fabric, trying to think things through. _What did he want? What was he ready for? What did he just think he wanted, because he thought that was what Jude wanted_? He had let Jude touch his bare back; he had never brushed against Jude's skin like that.

"C-c-could I, first?" Connor finally asked, pulling at Jude's shirt, just enough to let Jude know what he was thinking.

"Yeah," Jude said.

Connor moved slowly, unsure of what to do or where to go. Jude wasn't giving him any direction on where to touch or how to do so. He should know by now that Jude didn't come with an instruction manual, but that didn't stop Connor from occasionally wanting one. He didn't want to do something that Jude didn't like, though he didn't know how badly he could screw up with just a hand against Jude's skin. And Jude's skin was just as soft as Connor wanted it to be.

"I'm going to kiss you now," Jude declared, but it was Connor that made the move toward him.

He pressed his lips against Jude's and moved Jude's hand to his back. Jude pulled Connor's shirt up slightly. Connor shivered under Jude's touch.

"Bad?"

"No," Connor said, quickly. "Do you want me to flirt with you or do you want me to kiss you?"

"Oh!"

Jude's eyebrows raised and Connor realized exactly what he'd said and how he had said it. He pulled his hand away from Jude and sat up, pushing away from his boyfriend to sit by Jude's feet.

"I-I-I'm sorry, Jude."

"For what?" Jude pushed himself up on his elbows. "You didn't do anything wrong."

 _Anything wrong_. The words made Connor feel childlike, not something he wanted to feel when his body was full of adrenaline and _want_ for the man in front of him. Connor took a deep breath to try and steady himself.

"I, um, didn't … I was bossy."

"I don't mind," Jude said. "Honestly. The way you said it was kind of a turn on."

Connor wasn't sure _that_ sat right with him either. He sat back, stretching his legs out so that his feet were near Jude's hip. Jude rested his hand on top of Connor's toes.

"What's the face?" Jude asked.

"Suddenly not sure how to feel," Connor said.

"Why's that?"

Connor closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the couch. He took a moment to enjoy the darkness, knowing that Jude wasn't going to do anything but sit there and wait for Connor to answer. There was a luxury in that knowledge that could have brought Connor to tears if he allowed himself to think about it for too long. He didn't let himself; he didn't want to cry tonight. He opened his eyes slowly, and there was Jude, just watching him. Jude raised his eyebrows at Connor again, and then toyed with his middle toe.

"I just don't want to push anything with you, Jude. I never want to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. I think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm scared that one day you're going to realize that someone like me is just too much for you. Which I know is fair. You shouldn't have to put up with everything wrong with me. I guess I just don't want to do anything that's going to make that day come faster."

"That day's not coming," Jude said. "Someone like you is someone I want to be with, someone I have fun with. Baby, I want you to say what you want to say, not what you think I'd like to hear. I don't want you to be obedient."

 _Obedient._ Connor mouthed the word. It wasn't inaccurate for his time with his ex, but it still wasn't something that Connor wanted to think about himself at all. Obedient was worse than childlike; it was _doglike_.

"I don't want you to be mad at me when I'm not."

"I'm not even close to being mad. People disagree. It makes you human and interesting. So, what do you think now?"

"Did you really like it when I said that?"

"Yes." Jude's grin grew and then he added, "but I don't know if you're ready to hear about how much."

"I'm never going to be ready for you to talk about it."

"Can I push my luck with flirting or are we kind of over that for tonight?" Jude asked.

"Um, try? Maybe this line will finish me," Connor teased.

"So, you don't like talking, that's fine. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Connor laughed. "That's … unfair."

"Unfair? Why?"

"Because I'm more interested in seeing yours."

"Tell me more."

"Not, like, oh, now I'm just getting myself in trouble."

Connor grabbed the plaid blanket and pulled it up over his head, feeling completely embarrassed. He'd never had to have this kind of conversation. He'd never had to figure out anything physical with another person before. His ex had laid the ground rules; Connor had gone along. Jude wasn't going to boss Connor around; Connor wasn't going to boss Jude around. Thus, they had to try and figure out how to have a conversation. The frank discussion that Connor could handle. The innuendos, double entendre, and teasing Connor _couldn't_ , if only because he managed to hit his blush before Jude did.

"Aww, baby, come on," Jude said, and he wiggled Connor's toe again. "Come on. You're only in the fun kind of trouble."

"There is no such thing as a fun trouble," Connor muttered.

"You're not in trouble," Jude tried again.

Connor peeked out the side of the blanket.

"I do want you to finish your thought, though," Jude said.

Connor disappeared under the blanket.

"Connor," Jude whined.

"You have to come here first, please."

The couch shifted and then Jude was under the blanket with him. Jude nestled against his shoulder, his arms around Connor's waist.

"I didn't mean to imply that I … I was ready to see anything of yours," Connor said. "I just meant, it would be easier for me. It's easier for me to touch you than for you to touch me. And I … I am curious about you, l-l-like that. I'm just not ready for that curiousity to be satisfied."

"I understand," Jude said. "No big deal. But, it's nice to hear."

"What is?"

"That you're curious. I like to know you're attracted to me. I know you're the hot one, I just like to know you like how I look. Even with how sweaty my hair is getting under this blanket. Can we move it down a little?"

Connor tugged the blanket down so that their heads were exposed, and then he wrapped his arms around Jude, looking down into his eyes. "You get insecure about that?"

"Sometimes." Jude wouldn't look directly at him. "You're not great about expressing stuff like that."

"I'm sorry," Connor said. He wanted to say _I should be better to you and for you_ , but he realized that wouldn't help Jude, because that was still about Connor. "I don't want you to think I don't like how you look, because I do. I, um, I'm not good at saying things like you are. But I like how tall you are and I like how warm you are and I really like your face. Um." Connor could feel his face flushing again.

"Thank you for trying," Jude said.

"I'll say it more," Connor promised. "Make up for it."

"I'd like that."

"If I promise not panic this time, can I kiss you?"

"I'd like that too."

Jude's leg slid over top of Connor's, and Connor leant slightly over him again.

"I love your eyes, baby," Jude said, right before Connor kissed him.

Jude's hand slid over Connor's back as their lips met; slowly pulling his shirt up to give Connor time to protest. But that touch was something that Connor was starting to get used to. He pushed his hand under Jude's shirt, feeling the rapid beating of Jude's heart directly under his palm. That was what made the bottom of his stomach tighten and he felt _want_ build up in him again. Jude's leg pulled at Connor and Connor lost the tentative balance he had and he fell onto Jude.

"Oof!" Jude complained.

"Sorry!" Connor said, pushing himself back up.

Jude grinned at him. "I was already breathless."

Connor pulled his hand from under Jude's shirt and he missed the warmth of Jude's body.

"Is now when you're going to tell me it's bedtime?"

"Dad's picking me up from here at four-thirty."

"Which means we should make the most of the next four and a half hours." Jude tilted his head and started kissing along the bottom of Connor's jaw. "You can sleep on the plane. I can spend the day in bed."

Connor's heart started thudding louder in his chest; the whisper of Jude's lip against his skin like that made his body tighten in a way that he wasn't used to. Connor's ex had so rarely taken the time to figure out what he liked physically – and even when he knew, it was rare that he had done it – but Jude just seemed to sense what Connor liked. It drove Connor crazy, because he _liked_ the sensations, he was just scared of them. He didn't know what to do with them, because he couldn't be sure of where they would lead.

"Unless you want to sleep."

Jude's breath spilled hot over his neck and it raised goosebumps on Connor's body – the _good_ kind of goosebumps. Connor felt the moment when caution left him and then his lips were against Jude's, his hand sliding back under Jude's t-shirt. Jude's leg wrapped around him again, pulling him closer with a grab that was just a little too much.

"Be gentle with me," he whispered.

Jude nodded and tilted his head to kiss Connor. Jude's fingers moved more slowly as he lifted the back of Connor's shirt again. Connor paused, just above Jude's lips as both of Jude's hands softly pressed against Connor's bare back.

"Tell me when to stop," Jude said.

The heat from Jude's palms leaked into his skin Connor felt the harsh nerves in his stomach begin to settle. Adrenaline still seared his veins, but there was no longer panic.

"Not yet," Connor said.

Connor closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Jude's, letting his hand traverse the skin of Jude's torso, trying to learn the bumps of his ribs and small dimples in his skin. Jude sighed against Connor's mouth, but it sounded like a satisfied sound. Jude's leg slowly raised, tight against Connor's hip. Connor kissed him again and Jude's thigh pressed against him and one of his hands moved to the front of Connor's chest and down his abdomen. Jude's hand touch Connor's abs and he let out a small moan that sent a shiver through Connor. Jude's hand moved to rest on his ribs and Connor _knew_ when Jude stopped touching him in innocent curiousity and started tracing the scar.

"No, no," Connor breathed, stretching his hand to grab Jude's wrist. "Not there."

"That's –"

"A mess, I know," Connor said. "I'm not ready to talk about it. This was too much."

Jude's dark eyes were huge-looking on his thin face. Connor rubbed his thumb over the soft inside of Jude's forearm.

"What part was too much?" Jude asked.

Connor pressed Jude's hand over the top of his shirt, back against his abdomen. He watched Jude's hand spread out across his stomach and then he looked back to Jude's eyes. Jude nodded at him, pulling his hand from the back of Connor's shirt to rest over his shoulder blade, _above_ his shirt. Jude even went to push his leg down, but Connor caught him, hugging his knee tightly.

"We're kind of in a tangle," Jude said.

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "Do you want to be untangled?"

"No. I kind of like not knowing whether that's my leg or your leg."

The bend in Connor's wrist was starting to ache and he slowly lowered himself down onto his side, pulling Jude with him so they were nose to nose. Jude hooked his leg over both of Connor's again. Connor snaked his arms around Jude and rested his head so their noses were almost touching and Jude's face was beginning to blur.

"I can't believe I'm this close to you," Connor confessed.

"In what way?"

"In the way that I thought I'd never be able to be with someone," Connor said honestly, and then, with hesitation and blushing, he added, "And, um, in the w-w-way that you're, uh, too cute to be real."

Jude smiled wide enough for Connor to count his front teeth, a chuckle escaping him.

"Too much?" Connor asked, worried.

"No. No, that was sweet," Jude said. "That was exactly what I wanted."

"I want to make you happy, Jude."

"You do."

Jude sounded so sincere that, for a moment, it was able to wash Connor's doubt away. He kissed the tip of Jude's nose, but the lateness of the hour was getting to him, and he could feel himself beginning to get sleepy. If Jude wanted to stay awake until Connor had to leave, Connor could do that for him; it wasn't as if he _wanted_ to sleep. He and Jude were only going to be separated for a short time, and Connor didn't feel the anxiety he used to at the thought of being away from his ex. No, it wasn't as if he felt the impulse to always be next to Jude like he did with his ex. Connor knew exactly what it was. He liked how he and Jude were. He liked how he felt when he was near Jude. He liked how they were together.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

"I don't want this break to change anything."

"Didn't we agree to do some thinking over break? So, we could we maybe do some talking after?"

"I know. I will. And we will. I'm not a liar, Jude. I just don't like change."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Connor smiled a little, and then brought his hand up to the back of Jude's head, playing with the soft hair of his head. "Maybe because you know me."

"And I'm so happy for that." Jude stroked Connor's bicep. "Have I mentioned I like how you work out?"

"I think you might have once … or twice … at least."

"I'm not sorry for it," Jude said.

"I didn't ask you to be."

Jude snuggled into Connor's chest. "How long until your dad comes?"

"Two and a half more hours, I think. Why? Anything in mind?"

"Nope. Just cuddle me and talk to me."

Connor reached down with one hand and pulled it up over the two of them. "About what?"

"Anything."

"Anything? There's a lot we can talk about."

Jude's eyes flickered in thought. "Um. Tell me about Christmas. Your favourite Christmas."

"Then you have to go next," Connor said.

"I will."

"All right," Connor said, and then he thought about it. "I guess I was eight …"

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Take A Look At Me Now**_ **by Greyson Chance. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	46. Amazing

Airports were horrifying. Airplanes were horrifying. Maybe Connor was just generally horrified. By everything. Which was going to make for this being a long trip, especially since New York was such a crowded city. He wasn't going to have a moment of the peace and quiet he treasured until he flew home to his dorm room.

Connor rested his head against the side of the plane, looking down at the window. Adam was doing his best to give Connor space, but airplanes weren't known for being roomy, and so they spent a lot of time just leaning in other directions. Connor watched the clouds below and tried to have that be his only focus. Not the people that kept passing in the aisle to wait for the washroom. He didn't _like_ sitting in front of the bathrooms, but he had to admit, he was glad that Adam remembered he didn't like having people be behind him. Now, there was no way that something could reach up behind his airplane chair back and grab him. There was no space behind it.

He jumped as Adam stood from his seat. Connor watched his father's eyes flash to his face and was able to see the range of pitiful expressions Adam cycled through before trying to hide the face he was making altogether. Connor wasn't fooled. His father didn't know how to lie to him. Before, Connor had hated it. But that was back when his father was insisting on his heterosexuality and muttering slurs under his breath. Connor could read the disdain in his eyes back then all too easily. Now, all of that was absent; there wasn't a single trace of it on Adam's face. That was what gave Connor hope.

Adam opened the compartment above the seats and pulled out his carry-on. Connor straightened in his seat to get a better view of what his father was doing, and then he immediately felt bad for snooping.

"I brought something for you to look at on the plane," Adam said, and then he pulled out something that was very familiar to Connor.

"Mom's scrapbook," Connor said. "I remember it."

He had spent hours with his mother, before she died, looking at those photos with her. He remembered leaning against her shoulder and flipping the pages for her, when her hands got too weak. Her voice strayed strong until just before the end, and it was her rasp that he remembered most about her final days. Adam passed him the book and Connor touched the front cover gingerly. He hadn't seen it since his mother's hospital room, when he had sat silent on the bed while his father packed up her things. He hugged the book against his chest and bowed his nose to the pages, inhaling, trying to see if it would give off his mother's scent. It didn't. By the end, she hadn't even smelt like herself. She had smelt like hospital and medicine, not like citrus and baking sugar.

He didn't know if he was imagining the smell of hospital or if it was just his memory summoning up the worst weeks of his life.

Connor closed his eyes as he felt hot tears begin to rise. He didn't want to cry. Not now. Not in public. He heard the compartment above them with a thud, and then Adam sat down again.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Adam said.

"You didn't." Connor realized how false that sounded. "I mean, I … This is the kind of thing that I wanted. This trip is about Mom, right?"

"About our whole family," Adam said. "About us, being father and son, and about remembering your mom."

As if his mother was ever too far from his mind. If he were cooking or studying or walking somewhere – just doing anything where his mind could wander – he would end up thinking about what she would say to him if she were here, or how she would react to the person he was. He would never get to know the answer for sure, but she was hopeful about how she'd see him. He had never questioned his mother's love for him and he was not about to start. He never wanted to start. He lowered his tray table and slowly put the scrapbook onto it. He just stared at the cover, not ready to open it yet without her.

"It's okay, Connor," Adam said. "Whenever you're ready."

"Thanks for understanding, Dad."

"It's what parents are supposed to be here for," Adam said, "and I'm here for you."

"Thank you."

Connor rested his hand on top of the scrapbook. Perhaps he would just look at the cover for a while longer.

(-.-)

Jude stuffed two clean pairs of jeans into the large duffel bag he always took home. He rubbed his hands over his face and checked the time. He was running late, but that was the price he paid for the late night with Connor. He had passed out after kissing his boyfriend goodbye and locking the door behind him and had woken up late in the afternoon – approximately the time that he had told his mothers that he would probably be home. He had sent Stef a quick text, saying he'd probably be back in time for dinner, and then had intended to start speed-packing. He wasn't that good at packing quickly, though, and he found himself moving even more slowly than normal. He opened his dresser drawer and started pulling t-shirts, and then his phone started to ring.

Jude swiped the answer button.

"Judicorn, I'm home and you're not home and I'm just wondering where you are," Mariana said.

"I'm still packing," Jude confessed. "Didn't you talk to Moms?"

"I did. I just thought that if I called you myself you might get this show on the road. C'mon, it's Christmas."

"Actually, it's still before Christmas. We've still got another few –"

"It's December, it's the spirit!" Mariana interrupted. "I have hats for us all to wear."

"What's Jesus say about that?"

"He doesn't get an opinion," Mariana said, while in the background, Jesus shouted, "Twins don't have to _match_."

"We have to today!" Mariana said.

"I have a blue santa hat for you," Mariana said. "I thought we should all have different colours and that it would be cute. Yours is just plain, I'm afraid. Callie has polka dots."

"Lucky Callie," Jude said.

"I'm sure you could convince her to switch if you wanted," Mariana said. "I just thought that she looked better in yellow than you did."

"Tell Jude this hat looks like it has the chicken pox!" Callie yelled.

"Come home and see what Callie's hat looks like," Mariana said.

"I'm almost packed, I will be there soon," Jude lied.

"Do you have a good reason for being late?" Mariana's voice dropped to the slightest whisper. "If it was Connor, I'll forgive you."

"You're right."

"Forgiven!" Mariana squealed. "But if you're not here in less than two hours, I will come find you."

"And we'd never want that," Jude said. "All right, I will be there."

"With bells on?"

"Don't push your luck," Jude said. "But I will be there."

"We're waiting!"

"I know. Bye, Mari."

"Bye!"

Jude hung up and slid his phone in his pocket. He grabbed a collection of t-shirts. He wasn't going to be there for the entirety of his break. He had a few shifts before Christmas, which he was going to drive back for. He'd rather spend more time close to his family while he had the time to do so, knowing that once he got into the routine of school and work, he was always forgetful about keeping in contact unless they were the ones that called or texted him first. Which, Callie and Moms were fairly regular about, but Jesus and Brandon were hopeless about. It wasn't as if he and Brandon had ever been close, but it was harder with Jesus. Sometimes he thought they should be closer, but they were both just too lazy and involved with their own lives.

Jude shoved his toiletries into a bag and then threw them on top of his clothes. Anything else? Check for food that might spoil and throw that out … and he was good to go. Almost. He pulled Connor's sweater over his head and took a deep breath. He hoped his boyfriend was doing okay. He just wanted Connor to love New York and have a great time. And he wanted to hear all about it. Because he knew he was going to have a good Christmas with his family, and he wanted it to be that way for everyone he loved.

(-.-)

The hotel was too extravagant. They had only been inside for a few minutes. Matter of fact, Adam was still settling details at the front desk. Even so, Connor knew that his father was doing far too much for him this trip. He didn't know how to say so, nor did he know how to express his gratitude for the things that his father was currently doing for him. Because Connor knew that it was all for him.

"Come on, Connor," Adam called.

Connor picked up his backpack, which he had used as a carry-on. The bellhop had offered to take it for him, but Connor was just too protective over his things. The important things were in his backpack, like his mother's scrapbook. It wasn't as if the bellhop were going to be out of his sight, but Connor held his bag tight. He just couldn't trust anyone that much. The elevator was problematic. He hid in the back, behind his father, while Adam made small talk with the bellhop. The bellhop divulged secrets, like good restaurants around the hotel, and what was open the latest, and when the hours for room service were. They got off at the third highest floor, and Connor trailed behind while they found the door.

The bellhop, whose nametag read _Chad_ , gestured Connor in after his father. Connor gripped his bag until his knuckles were white and then slipped inside, disappearing away from the door so that he didn't have to see the bellhop again and could easily tune out the quick conversation with him that Adam was already starting. The hotel room looked more like an apartment, with a small kitchen off to one side, a nice bathroom, a bedroom with doors that could close, and a decent sized couch with a TV facing it. _Too much_ , Connor thought again. He walked into the bedroom, noticing the balcony. He slid open the glass door and stepped outside. The air here was so much colder than he was expecting and he shivered slightly, sliding his fingers inside of his sleeves instead of turning to get a new sweater. He wasn't intending to be out here long.

He just wanted to look down at the cars and the barely visible people. He swept his eyes across the tall skyscrapers and let the sounds of sirens and cars sweep across his ears. It was crowded here and, despite his expectations, he was blown away by the sheer amount of people and the size of the buildings. Everything about it intimidated him. There was just _so much_ here. Perhaps too much – he was starting to see a pattern of his experiences here, and he had only been here a short while.

Connor pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a photo, sending it to Jude.

 **Jude: It looks beautiful there. What do you think?**

 **Connor: It's been five minutes**

 **Jude: First thoughts?**

 **Connor: I'm scared of everything but I'm excited to know more. I just don't think I'll have enough time to get used to it and enjoy any of the places before I'm suddenly back on a plane.**

 **Jude: But then you can always go back, right? The more times you're there and the more you know, the better it'll be, right?**

 **Connor: Maybe. I guess we'll see. It's only day one. We're probably not going to get too far from the hotel today.**

 **Jude: I hope you have fun anyway.**

 **Connor: are you having fun?**

 **Jude: I just got home. I'm in a Santa hat. Dinner's almost ready.**

 **Connor: How's the Santa hat look?**

Just before he pressed send, his phone buzzed again, this time, bringing him a badly taken selfie of Jude and his sister, Callie. He was wearing a blue Santa hat, while Callie was wearing a bright yellow one with obnoxious red spots. It looked more suited for a clown that anything festive, but she looked happy to be wearing it, her arms casually around Jude's neck. Connor quickly deleted his message and instead typed out: **that blue looks good on you.**

 **Jude: Thanks. We're going to eat now. Do you want me to call you later?**

 **Connor: would you?**

 **Jude: sure. Let me know when you're not busy. You're four hours ahead?**

 **Connor: three. I'll talk to you later.**

 **Jude: later it is.**

There were three heart emojis and one kissing face following it, which made Connor's heart thud a little too quickly in his chest. He closed out of the conversation and locked the screen, hiding his phone away in his pocket. He leant against the railing and then shivered from the metal. Inside. He should go back inside, but Adam was coming onto the balcony behind him, and Connor was cemented in place now.

"It's a big city," Adam commented.

"Yep," Connor said, not sure what to say but knowing he couldn't stay quiet.

"And a cold city. You should be inside," Adam said. "It's too cold to be out here. Come in, we'll get settled. Room service tonight or would you like to go out for dinner?"

"W-w-w-would room service be all right?"

"Sure. Nothing wrong with a quiet night tonight."

Connor stepped inside the hotel room, shocked at how much warmer he felt just by doing it. He closed the balcony door behind him and clicked the lock shut. It was a flimsy one, but what did that matter when they were this high up? And when they were this far away from home? And when anyone who would want to hurt him was in prison? Except, this was here his ex thought he had been the whole time. It was where his father had told anyone who would listen that he was going to school here. If his ex was going to look for him, this was where he would go. The thought made him shiver but he knew, absolutely, that his ex wasn't getting out of prison soon and, even if he did, Connor would be notified the moment that it happened.

He exhaled. Now was not the time to think about it. Now, was about Christmas and family and his mother.

"So, the bedroom is yours," Adam said. "I'll take the couch."

"Dad, that's not fair," Connor protested. "I can sleep on the couch."

"You'll be more comfortable in the bedroom on your own, I know that. I'll also be more comfortable on the couch. I like to work late and I'm pretty restless at night, remember?"

Connor remembered. From the time he went home to his father in late December to when he had moved to university in late August, he had never gone to bed before his father. Adam had always stayed in his downstairs office instead of his upstairs bedroom. There had been many late nights where nightmares had woken Connor and he sat, sweating and crying in his bed, desperately trying not to scream aloud, and to keep himself calm, he had listened to his father move about the downstairs, clinking dishes and simply pacing back and forth, as if trying to help himself think.

"I don't want to bother you either," Adam said. "Besides, the couch is pretty big. It won't be a problem for me."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Not a problem. Here's the room service menu, why don't you think about what you want?"

"Sure." Connor took the menu from his father's hand, making sure not to touch their fingers together. He'd been too jumpy all throughout today. He didn't want to do anything wrong, especially when they had been quite well, so far. They'd had some conversation, very little of it awkward, and Connor hadn't had a single panic attack. That, at least, he knew was progress. He looked down at the menu, and the small print blurred in front of his tired eyes. He rubbed his face with the back of his hand and lifted the menu closer to his nose.

"Something wrong?" Adam asked.

"Just tired. Jude and I didn't sleep last night." The moment the words left his mouth, Connor realized how awful they sounded. He glanced at his father, who didn't have a disgusted face on, rather a politely uninterested but still parental face, but Connor still wanted to figure out a way to explain to Adam that he and Jude weren't having sex. Was there any way to do that without making things more horrendous? He bit down on his bottom lip and decided it was better not to say anything. He always got in trouble when he tried to explain himself further. He just wasn't good at it. "The chicken fajitas sound good to me, Dad."

"Anything else you'd like? You didn't eat or sleep on the plane."

"We could share some nachos, if you'd like."

"I'm always interested in nachos," Adam said. "I'll order right away. When it's done, you should take a nap."

Connor thought it might be better and try to power through his tiredness until he was at a more acceptable time to sleep. It wasn't really _that_ late in the day – the sun was still shining, people were still working, and the city was still bustling. _It's the city that never sleeps, Connor_. If he fell asleep in an hour or so, whenever they finished eating, he would probably wake up at midnight and then he'd never get his feet under him in terms of a schedule. He didn't think that he would _ever_ get to the point where he was going to be comfortable with New York City as a whole, even though his mother had been and he wanted to experience New York as she had. He knew it would never be the same, as badly as he wished for it to be.

While Adam was calling for room service, he went back into the bedroom that was his own for the next few weeks. He looked down at his bags and he wondered if it would make him feel better to unpack. There was a dresser in the corner, so it wasn't as if he couldn't. He opened the top of his suitcase, disorganized and messy from being thrown around the bottom of a plane, and then realized that he just wasn't ready to face _anything_. He shut his bag, zipping it up tightly, and then he fetched his journal from his backpack. It seemed the perfect time to do some writing about his day. He curled up on the comfortable bed and slowly began to write.

(-.-)

Jude was wedged tightly between Mariana and Callie, even though the three of them were the only two left in the room. Brandon and Jesus were on dish duty, and Moms had elected to keep the two of them company in the kitchen. Mariana toyed with the pom on the tip of her hat before tossing it backward to hang over the back of her head. She leant on the table, more toward Callie than Jude.

"I think Moms are worried about you," she whispered.

Callie pulled a small face. "What could they possibly have to worry about?"

"I only know this because I was eavesdropping on them when I first got here, and they were talking about the best way to talk to you about this. You know, you being an adult and still their kid," Mariana said. "You know they read your newspaper everyday."

"I know," Callie said.

It was really impossible not to know. Lena had taken to cutting out some of Callie's better pictures and putting them on the fridge. Jude had been standing with them when Callie offered to print out better quality pictures, but Lena had declined, saying that it was better bragging rights if people could see that the pictures, clearly, had been published in a newspaper. Callie had laughed, but Jude could plainly see how proud she was that she had made Moms proud.

"Which means they saw those photos of the drug den!"

" _Drug den_?!" Jude exclaimed, slightly louder than he should have.

Callie yanked on his arm. "Don't say it like that! It's not like I was doing cocaine and taking pictures of everyone using."

"How should I say it? Callie, I thought you were taking dumb pictures of school events and stuff like that." If Jude had gone anywhere near a drug den, Callie would have killed him herself.

"I was! I mean, I am. It's just a small paper, Jude, and I take photos of everything. I'm their only photographer. So, I just go with anyone and take pictures."

None of that was new to Jude. He stared at her, trying to perfect that annoying sibling stare she had always given him but that he had never been able to make quite as compelling when he tried to use it. Callie sighed.

"It was in broad day light. I wasn't alone. It was with one of the reporters, Mark. I'm not stupid. I wouldn't go to a place like that alone. And the police had just raided it. Which was why we wanted to get photos of it, anyway. I'm _not_ stupid. I'm not going to put myself in any danger."

Mariana held up her hands. "You're a big girl. I know you can take care of yourself. I'm just saying, you might want to prepare a speech for Moms."

"Thanks for the heads up," Callie said.

"Are you sure you're being safe?" Jude asked.

"Oh, absolutely, _Mom_."

"If I did that you'd lock me in my apartment."

"Only maybe," Callie said. "Why? What have you been doing?"

"Connor, from the sounds of why he was late to family dinner!"

Jude's cheeks went red from Mariana's comment. "What? No, no, I haven't – You know what, I don't need to respond to that."

Mariana rubbed his shoulder. "I just think you did."

Jude fumbled around for something to say; he just wanted anything that would distract Mariana. He glanced at Callie and blurted, "Is Mark the reporter you have the crush on?"

He only felt a little sorry for throwing her under the bus. He saw Mariana's dark eyes light up and was glad that she didn't have any clues as to who Callie had interest in. Otherwise, it never would have worked.

"Yeah, is it?" Mariana asked. "Have you said anything to him yet?"

"Mariana, even if he _were_ , and I'm not saying he _is_ , we work together. In a tiny office, with very few other people. I don't want to make a work relationship awkward."

"Okay, but sex in the supply closet –"

"And this is where I leave you," Jude said, pushing back from the table.

"I'm only a little sorry," Mariana said, and then she shifted into Jude's seat to better corner Callie.

Jude hurried into the kitchen, hoping that the conversation between his mothers and brothers would cover the sound of his sisters.

(-.-)

Connor jerked awake as he heard the sound of water running. His heart racing, he nearly knocked over the lamp in an effort to get some light into his room. He sat up and took a moment to remember, _New York City._ The water running was simply his father in the shower. He didn't remember falling asleep, but his journal was spread out on the bed beside him, and he remembered eating with his father before returning to the bedroom to finish his journal. Adam had closed the doors to Connor's room, he remembered, because he was making a business call and they hadn't wanted to bother one another.

Connor grabbed the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was half past midnight. Jude! He was supposed to talk to Jude tonight! His brain was too sluggish for the adrenaline that his body felt, and he struggled to calculate what time it was for Jude. Nine-thirty. It wasn't too late for a phone call. He fumbled for his cell phone, feeling guilty when he realized that he had missed texts from Jude.

 **Connor: I'm sorry! I fell asleep.**

 **Jude: Do you want me to call you now?**

 **Connor: Are you busy?**

 **Jude: No. Everyone's left. I'm just watching TV.**

Connor's thumb hovered over the call button, and he hated himself for his hesitation. He'd called Jude first before! And Jude had said it was all right to call him! He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping that it was just the new place getting to him and he wasn't actually about to relapse into that way of thinking. He pressed call without opening his eyes and looking at the button. Doing that made things better, somehow.

He tucked the phone between his shoulder and his ear. Even though Adam was in the shower, Connor didn't want to go anything that he could possibly hear and that could possibly disturb him. And, he never knew what he and Jude might end up saying to one another. Particularly, the things that Jude said to him. He was sure that he and Adam would be more comfortable if Adam couldn't hear anything.

It took three rings for Jude to answer.

"Hey, baby."

Jude's voice was soothing, and Connor instantly felt better; it was like aloe to a sunburn. "Hi, Jude."

"You sound tired."

"I woke up from an impromptu nap. I feel tired. And a little fuzzy." And gross. He had fallen asleep in his clothes. He bent down and opened his suitcase, rifling around for pyjama pants and a t-shirt.

"How's the hotel?"

"It's beautiful, Jude. I haven't seen much of the city at all yet, but from how I remember Mom, I can understand why she loved it here."

"Yeah?"

"She was larger than life, Jude, really. Before the hospital and before she got sick, she was just _life._ She was always playing music, and we were always baking or dancing or doing things. And she had so many friends. People were always calling or stopping over." Connor walked over to the large, balcony windows and pushed the curtains out of the way. The sky was dark, but the city was still alive with lights and colours. The flow of traffic hadn't slowed since the daylight hours. Matter of fact, it might have even increased. "I had baseball practices a week. Mom would take me to the first one, on Tuesdays. On Fridays, though, Dad would take me. That was our time together, and Mom would go out with her friends. She'd come back happy and she'd smell like cigarette smoke, even though I knew she didn't smoke. I think it was her best friend who did. She was always home by my bedtime. I was allowed to stay up until ten. She'd tuck me in and tell me that she had been dancing. Sometimes, she would tell me about the drinks she had tried. She'd tell me that, when I was older, she'd teach me those recipes too. After those, though, I would always get a small lecture on drinking responsibly."

"She sounds like a fun woman," Jude said.

"She was. She … was," Connor repeated, unable to put his mother into anymore words. He still remembered her, with her best make-up, painted nails, and a flowy red dress on, organizing his baseball uniform for him. "I guess the point I wanted to make is that she would have fit in here. It feels as _alive_ as she felt to me. I was scared I wouldn't feel like this and feel a connection to her here. But, just looking at it from the window, I feel that."

"Just imagine how it's going to be when you and your dad start going places."

"Exactly. I think we're doing the more touristy things tomorrow, but I know he's taking me to her favourite restaurant for supper, though. I'm a little surprised it's still there."

"I'm sure it'll be really great."

"Me too." Connor let the curtain fall closed. He needed to put his pyjamas on. "How's home?"

"Jesus is trying to get Brandon to go out on a double date with him. I guess he's run out of friends to drag into those kinds of things with him."

"Is Brandon going to go?"

"I don't know. I think he might, if only to see Jesus make an ass out of himself." Before Connor could ask anything else, Jude added, "but I don't think he'd have to go out on a double date to see that."

Connor chuckled. "What else are you thinking?"

"That I've gotten used to you being next to me," Jude said. "This couch feels _massive_. I've got too much room when laying down."

"That doesn't sound like a reason to miss me," Connor said.

"Maybe I like being squished," Jude said. "And it's not nearly as warm."

Connor pulled his jeans off. "You're the warm one."

"It's no fun being under a blanket and trying to keep myself warm."

Connor knew Jude well enough by now to know when his boyfriend was trying to flirt with him. The tone that Jude was using now was exactly that. Connor's cheeks heated and he blushed like he normally did when Jude did anything even slightly seductive, but the fact that he was standing in a hotel room by himself, wearing Jude's sweater and his underwear made his breath catch in a whole new way. It had only been last night when his fingers were on Jude's bare chest and his boyfriend's leg was glued to his hip and they had been kissing, Jude panting and attractive under him.

Connor's body hardened and he felt like his cheeks were going to burn right off his face. He quickly pulled his pyjama pants on, as if the slight bit of modest could equate to something like a cold shower.

"L-l-let's talk about something else. How, um, are Stef and Lena?"

"They're great. You okay? You sound funny all of a sudden, baby."

"Um. Don't worry about it."

"Is it a big deal?"

"No, not at all," Connor sound quickly.

That assurance was all Jude needed to tease him. "What? Is the thought of me under a blanket getting you all hot and bothered?"

 _"Jude,_ " Connor whined.

"Was I right?" Jude chuckled. "Baby, you thinking about me?"

Connor whined again in the back of his throat, crawling under his blankets and shoving his head under his pillow. He kept his phone tight to his ear, though, because he didn't want to ignore Jude.

"I'm usually thinking about you," Connor admitted.

"How are you thinking about me?" Jude asked. "Good thoughts or …"

"I … just, it was, I … Jude." Connor exhaled and curled into a ball.

"All right, all right, leave me to my own devices to imagine what you're thinking about."

"Why do you have to tease me like that?" Connor asked, but he tried not to sound so serious about it. He didn't mind, that much. He was embarrassed, but he knew that Jude wasn't _really_ mocking him. He didn't think Jude had ever really made fun of him.

"It's a little fun," Jude admitted. "Unless you really hate it."

"I don't," Connor whispered. "You know I don't."

"Mmm, I thought so. I just didn't want to be the jerk that didn't ask."

"Well, you did promise me you'd ask before assuming things anymore."

"I remember, I remember. I guess taunting you isn't being overprotective."

"Definitely not," Connor agreed. "You've been doing better with that, though."

"I'm glad you think so. How's your dad?"

"Quiet. That's not new, though. The most he talked was on the plane. We went through some of the pages in Mom's scrapbook. I remember most of the stories that she told me, but, um, he gave me a few more details. Some things that she couldn't tell me when I was younger. Nothing too bad. She used to smoke weed when she was in high school. That was Mom's deep dark secret."

"How scandalous."

Connor laughed. "We didn't talk about too much. Dad said some of the conversations were going to get harder. I don't know what he means by that. I'm not sure I want to know."

"You're going to find out."

"Yeah. When he's ready to tell me about it. I'd rather wait until then to ask any questions. I don't want to make it worse by putting him on the spot."

"Also smart. I hope there's some good stories mixed in with the bad."

"Me too. They came here on their honeymoon, you know? Mom loved it here so much."

"Where would you go on your honeymoon?" Jude asked.

Connor's heart constricted at the word. He _was_ going to spend his honeymoon in Mexico, in Cancun, after getting married in the town where his ex-boyfriend's grandparents and parents had wed. It had been all laid out. He had never had a chance to say _what if we did this? What if we went to this place? What if we looked at these flowers?_ Nothing. But that was what was so bad about weddings. They were one sided. Never did both people _want_ to get married. It was just assumed that they would end up there. That was the downside to most things in love. One person always gave more, while the other always took. He closed his eyes. Things got even worse after 'I love you' was said; for him, hearing those words and then saying them back had been like sealing a pact with a demon. He'd never go back there again. 'I love you' unleashed hell into people's lives. It was never worth it.

"I'm never going to get married, Jude. You know that."

"Fine, don't play along." Jude sighed, and Connor quickly replayed it in his mind, trying to make sure that Jude really had been as playful as he wanted Jude to be. "Where would you go if someone gave you an all-expenses paid vacation?"

"Hmm. I think this does count as an all-expenses paid vacation."

"Outside of America," Jude specified, and then he laughed. "You're not very good at this game, baby."

Connor had never been that great with games. Particularly when he hadn't been aware he was playing them. "Well … I don't know. I guess, somewhere in Europe? Scotland, Ireland … I guess England is cliché to say, but I guess a lot of people go there because there's something to see, right?"

"Right," Jude said. "Want to play another game?"

"What kind of game?"

"How well do you know your partner quiz," Jude said. "It's only ten questions."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Let's do it."

"Do you know my birthday?"

"That's too easy," Connor said, because he knew that one. He'd been stressed about Jude's birthday for weeks before it had happened.

"What's my favourite colour?"

"Blue. Easy again, Jude."

"Hopefully they get harder," Jude agreed. "Anyone who doesn't know these probably shouldn't be dating. Oh. Do you know my shoe size?"

"Shoe size? No. Um. Eight-ish?"

Jude laughed. "You underestimate me!"

"Sorry!"

"Do you have my phone number memorized?"

"Yes."

"Childhood hobbies?"

"Taking on-demand photos for Taylor and playing too many video games?"

"Yeah, that was basically it."

"Do you know where I'm ticklish?"

"Your ribs, mostly. Your neck, depending on how I touch you there. How many more questions?"

"Three. Do you know my favourite _funny_ movie?"

"I think you like stand-up comedians more than any of the comedies we've watched. Does that count? Because you're always okay to re-watch _John Mulaney_."

"I think that counts, just because you're right. Oh, this one might be hard."

"I will do my best."

"Can you recount your lover's basic life philosophy?"

"Word for word? Probably not, because I don't think I've ever heard you say anything like that."

"What's your best guess?" Jude asked.

"Well, I think that the most important thing to you is loyalty. You'd do anything for your friends or your family. Especially your family. So, I would say that your philosophy is to be true to yourself and the people you love."

"I don't think I could have said that any better myself."

Connor wondered if Jude could name his. Jude probably could have a really great idea, but that idea would undoubtedly be: be afraid of anything and everything. At least, that was the most flattering version he could think of.

"Have you ever surprised your lover with a gift that was perfect for them, but that they wouldn't have found on their own?"

"Um. You would've bought hot chocolate on your own."

"Not the cactuses," Jude reminded him. "And I love them."

"Then I guess I have," Connor said. "You know, I brought Ampelos with me to New York."

"How's he liking it?"

"He's stuffed. He doesn't like things. But I like having him here. He smells like you. I think that's comforting."

"I'm glad," Jude said. "Last question, are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Can you sing the melody to all of your partner's favourite songs?"

"Yes," Connor said, "but you're not going to convince me to."

"I know you well enough to know that," Jude teased.

"I think at this point, you know me better than anyone."

Jude hummed a few bars of _One More Day_ and Connor rubbed at his eyes, pretending it was exhaustion, not tears.

"You falling asleep on me, baby?"

"Um. No. Just getting comfy."

"You sure?"

"A little sleepy."

"I should let you rest."

"No! Please? I'd like to talk to you a little longer."

"I'll talk to you as long as you want," Jude said. "You're my only plan for tonight."

Connor pushed himself up on one elbow and picked Ampelos off the pillow next to him, pulling the elephant into his arms instead.

"That makes me happy to hear."

"So," Jude said, "have you thought about what you'd like me to make you for supper when we return from break?"

"I thought you were going to surprise me."

"Oh, you'll be surprised at how bad it'll be," Jude said. "But I'm going to try for you, baby."

"Thank you."

"So, what would you like me to try? Chicken, beef, fish? Lamb, I guess, but I feel like that's not fair to do to me. Do you even like lamb?"

"Sometimes. Mostly only from authentic places. I don't know if I've ever liked it homemade. I don't like my own lamb."

"We'll cross that off the list. So, chicken, fish, beef."

"Fish is very vague. Lobster?"

"Fancy. I mean, _I_ know you're that quality of date, but you usually don't ask for it."

"You're sweet."

"And unable to make lobster. Chicken would be easiest, you know."

"I know. I'm not going to make you work for me. You always put in too much effort."

"How about I make steak for you?" Jude suggested. "I can find a marinade to make for it. How's that sound?"

"I thought you wanted chicken."

"I just said it would be easiest. Not that it was the only thing I'd make for you. Would you like steak?"

"Yeah, I would," Connor said.

"Then, it's settled! Let's talk sides."

Connor pulled the covers tight around him and let Jude do most of the talking. He was always happy to listen.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** __ **. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	47. Given It All

Connor spun his fork through his pasta and looked out the window. Adam had gotten them a table at the window, and he liked how easy it was to people watch, but he also didn't like how exposed it made him feel. People could see him all too clearly. He preferred to be invisible. He pulled his eyes away from the darkened streets and watched Adam swipe the side of his garlic bread through the tomato sauce.

"Anything special you want to do for Christmas Eve?" Adam asked. "You've only got a few more days to think about it."

Three, to be exact. Connor took a bite of his pasta and chewed carefully. He didn't know what there was to do in New York City on Christmas Eve. It was what he had told Adam the last time that he had asked while Adam told him that he should look up some things that he might enjoy doing. Connor had done so, but he didn't want to be the one to make a decision. It was never in his style and he felt like he should defer to Adam more. Adam was his father; they weren't on the same playing field, like he and Jude vaguely were. Adam was an adult and that meant that he was above Connor. He finished his bite and immediately took another.

"Well, you think about it," Adam said. He paused, and then he cleared his throat, "Connor, I told you that we were going to have some hard conversations about your mother. We still have some time left together and I'm ready to have those conversations when you are."

Connor had to put down his fork and he folded his hands into his lap. "I want to know everything about Mom. Everything you can tell me. I know that. She wasn't perfect. I know that too. I just want to know all that I can."

Adam nodded. "Okay. Do you want to do that here?"

"If you're ready to talk then, um, I'm ready to listen," Connor said as confidently he possibly could.

"I cared about your mother very much," Adam said, "and she cared about me. But, even so, we weren't without problems."

Connor knew that. Who wasn't without issues? He could remember his parents having arguments, but not obnoxious ones that shook the house. They seemed _fine._ Boring and fine, for the most part. Until Mom got sick, and then things got interesting in the worst possible way. His parents didn't argue much after her diagnosis. She had joked to Connor, in private, that they should run away one day, to show his dad that he shouldn't hover quite so much. Then, on one of her good days, they had. She had taken him to try sushi for the first time – something about it disgusted Adam and that had led to a knee-jerk 'gross' reaction in Connor. But his mother had convinced him to try it that day, promising him that she wouldn't force-feed raw fish. Adam had called, concerned, and Mom had picked up on the first ring, spilling the beans about where they were. Adam had joined him, eating teriyaki chicken and that had been it, but they had been together. Connor hadn't thought about that particular day in a long time.

"What kind of problems?"

"Right before your mother's diagnosis – about three or four days, actually – she filed for divorce."

"Divorce? _Why_?"

"She fell in love with someone else. She sat me down and told me. She said that she hadn't done anything physical with the other person and that she hadn't cheated on me in that way, but that she and the other person had fallen in love. It was surprisingly civil. We talked all night. She said that she would always care about me, but that she could tell that I wasn't the person that she was supposed to be with forever, that we would do everything we could to take care of you. You were her first priority, Connor. I wasn't happy about it but I knew her. I knew she had made up her mind. There was nothing I could say to make her change it. And, what could I do? Be the man that wouldn't let her leave?" Adam hung his head. "Still, that moment stuck with me, in awful ways."

The last part made no sense to Connor whatsoever, but he had to ask, "Who? I don't, um, remember anyone being around the hospital or at all when she was sick."

"No, you wouldn't," Adam said. "In the beginning, your mother made up fake appointments and I would drop her off to see the person. Then, when she started to get too ill to go anywhere, she would have them visit when you weren't around. It was hard for her but, in the end, when you were home with her most of the day and she knew that she wasn't going to make it, it was _you_ she wanted to be with. And, so, she sent that person away."

"Who? Did I ever see them?"

"Yes. Amelia went to the funeral."

" _Amelia_ ," Connor repeated. "Mom was in love with a woman?"

Seconds after he said it, everything clicked for Connor. _That moment stuck with me, in awful ways. In awful ways. Awful ways._ Connor had never known his father to be homophobic before he came out, but it wasn't as if his father regularly saw anyone who was gay, either. He had no gay friends and he had no relatives at all, let alone any that had come out. Connor had always assumed that Adam's homophobia had just come to the forefront because Connor had shoved it in his face by coming out and finding a boyfriend. But if that hadn't been it, if something had set Adam off before hand, making him more hateful for when Connor finally came out … His breath caught. He had never considered anything like that.

"Yes, she was. She told me that she had always had an interest in women but that, once she met me and we started dating, she didn't see the point in telling me. She had never been with a woman before falling in love with Amelia. She only told me this after telling me she was leaving me."

Connor dug his nails into his palms, trying to focus on that instead of the emotional pain that was tearing through him. "Dad, is that, um, th-th-that wh-why you, um, after I-I-I-I-I c-c-came out, you, um –"

"Reacted the way I did?"

Connor resented being interrupted, but he kept his mouth shut. That was the exact question he had been trying to ask.

"Probably."

 _That's not fair!_ Connor wanted to scream but he couldn't scream. He couldn't say anything. His eyes started to feel heavy and wet and he shut his lids, but he was too scared of the unknown to keep them closed for too long.

"Take me back," he said, surprising himself without how even he sounded. He felt all of his emotions bubbling under his skin, threatening to burst forth and break him.

"Okay. Let me get the check."

Sitting there and staring at his plate for the few minutes that it took for Adam to get the bill and for the waitress to return with the change was an eternity. Connor didn't say a word as they walked the short blocks back to their hotel. In the elevator, Adam turned and tried to talk to him, but Connor crossed his arms low over his chest. It was the most aggressive thing that he had done and he immediately found himself undoing it.

"Connor, I'm sorry."

But how could that _mean_ anything? Adam had hated him based on what his _mother_ had done. His _dead_ mother, who had done nothing but follow her heart and do it in the best way that she knew how. It wasn't as if she had a good choice in the matter. He didn't bother to respond to his father, because he knew he couldn't say _that_ and he didn't really know how to say anything at all. When the door to the hotel room opened, Connor sealed himself away to his room. He worried about being rude; then, he decided that if he ever had a right to be, it was now, and he turned his back on the door. He knew that his father wouldn't disturb him.

He stood in the middle of his empty room, clenching his hands and then unclenching his hands, trying to figure out what to do, before he just sunk down to the floor on his knees, feeling like crying but not quite knowing how to. What was he supposed to do with this kind of pain? What was he supposed to do knowing his father had doomed him to life with ex, not because he hated who Connor was, but because he couldn't get over something his mother had done? Neither were easy to swallow. Connor didn't know what one was worse.

He rolled onto his knees and a flashback came back to him. Nauseating, as always, where he was pushed back and forced and he stood from his knees as quickly as possible, as if being out of the position would change what he was thinking or feeling. Connor grabbed his blanket off his bed and carried it out onto the small balcony with him. The winds were piercing and he wrapped the quilt around himself, as if that could keep things out. Connor pulled his phone out and sent a shaky text to Jude.

 **Connor: Please text me when you can.**

He was surprised when his phone immediately started ringing.

"H-h-hi."

"Hey, baby. What's up?"

"I, um, I j-j-just. What are you, um, doing?" That question was easier than any explanation that he could start. And he didn't want to take up time that Jude didn't have.

"I'm walking home. I just got done my last shift before Christmas. I'm spending the night in my apartment and then driving home in the morning. I'm going to lunch with Taylor tomorrow, remember?"

"I remember."

"Full disclosure," Jude said, "she invited Dylan. I don't know if he's going or not, but he might be there."

"Thank you for telling me." Connor pulled the blanket over his head like a hood. He couldn't burden Jude now. Not when Jude was going to be seeing Dylan soon and could all too easily make the comparisons that Connor was worried and paranoid that he would. But that wasn't fair either, and that was what Connor was going to have to tell Jude when they had their upcoming talk when he got home. He rested his head against the cold metal railing and the feeling soaked through his blanket. "You didn't have to."

"I would have told you anyway," Jude said, "because I like sharing what I'm doing with you."

"Thank you. How was work?"

"Slow. Jason spent most of his time playing Candy Crush and I spent most of the time hiding behind the freezer so I didn't have to _hear_ him play Candy Crush." Connor heard the lock of Jude's front door click.

"Oh."

"But you didn't call to hear me talk about work."

"No," Connor said, his voice quavering.

"Talk to me, baby, I'm listening."

Connor knew he was and he slowly spilt the details of what happened over dinner. He tried to voice his thoughts and feelings over it, but he didn't know how to phrase it.

"Connor, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

Connor closed his eyes and just let the sound of the city hit him, trying to ignore the sound of Jude's breathing. "That makes two of us."

"Your dad's here now. Isn't that what you've been saying this whole time? That he's here and he's really trying. I don't think he told you that to hurt you, Connor."

"It still hurt. I feel like he wanted me to get hurt to teach me a lesson about being gay. That's what _I_ got out of him telling me that. That he hated my mom for falling in love and that he wanted me to suffer for it. I think that's what he was trying to tell me."

"I'm sorry, Connor. I don't want to talk about your father's motivations, because I don't want to talk for him. And I don't know what else I can talk about, because I don't know how to help you this time. The last thing I want to do is make you more upset. What can I do, baby?"

"I don't know," Connor said. "I don't know what I was expecting by calling you."

"I hope that I can be some kind of comfort," Jude said, "Even if I'm not entirely sure how to be. We can just sit and talk, like we normally do. Is that going to be better?"

"I don't know. I … I, um, think that I would like to hang up now."

"Sure, baby," Jude said. "You call me if you need anything else. I'll be here."

"Th-th-thank you."

After a quick goodnight, Connor hung up. He put _One More Day_ on his phone and let the wind carry the notes over the city.

 _Mom, I wish you were here._

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Given It All**_ **by Hayley Kiyoko (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	48. Storm

**Just as an FYI, fanfiction was going through some errors last week which caused _Barefoot And Bruised_ to look like it went un-updated! Please make sure you didn't miss last week's chapter, _Given It All!_**

 **~TLL~**

Christmas Day dawned bright and sunny. It was the dawn that woke Connor, and not his usual internal clock. He and Adam had been up late, watching a live production of _A Christmas Carol_ and then going out to an extremely late dinner, which they had picked up from a dogged street vendor on the way back to the hotel. Things had been rocky and quiet between he and his father since their disastrous dinner. Connor still wasn't sure what to think about it or him and, because of that, he had no idea how to forgive his father for everything that he had thought, did, and said.

He laid in bed for a moment. He could already hear Adam up and moving around. There was no point in lingering in bed. He sat up, glancing at his phone and deciding not to text Jude until later. There was no way that Jude would be awake now and Connor refused to be the one that disturbed him. He slid his socks on, pulled Jude's sweater over his head, and then he opened the door.

"Morning, Dad," he called softly. He didn't want to surprise Adam anymore than he wanted to annoy Jude.

"Merry Christmas, Connor."

Adam was in the little kitchenette included in the room. There was a strong smell of _something_ in the air, but he couldn't identify what. He glanced at the coffee table that sat in front of Adam's couch. It had a laptop on one end, Adam's briefcase leaning against the side of it, and several small, wrapped gifts. Connor looked at them with the same nervousness that he'd looked at Jude's present with and skulked toward the kitchen. He didn't like gifts. Gifts had to be repaid. He wasn't quite so good at repayment. It had gotten him in trouble more than once.

"W-w-what are you making?" Connor asked.

"Gingerbread tea. I thought it was appropriate for Christmas," Adam said. "I also ordered special holiday breakfasts from room service. I'm not sure what's on it or even if we'll like it. If not, then we'll just get something else brought up."

Connor nodded. "Thank you. I'm sure it'll be great."

Adam passed him his tea and Connor was careful not to brush fingers with him when he took it. He hadn't been sure he was ready to touch his father to begin with and now that he was upset, he knew that it was never going to happen or he would end up overreacting too much.

"Would you like to open your gifts?" Adam asked. "It's just a few little things I picked up and something of your mother's that I've been saving for you. I thought that this Christmas would probably be the right time."

"I, um, have something for you too, Dad."

Connor scurried off to his room, tea in hand, to get the two things that he had picked up for his father. When he returned, Adam was sitting on the couch. Connor hesitantly sat opposite of him and put his gifts on the table. Adam had more things for him and that just made him more uncomfortable. He sipped nervously at his tea – so nervously that he never tasted it and he wasn't sure he could tell someone whether or not he even liked it.

"Save the little box for last," Adam advised. "I'd like to tell you something about it as you open it."

Connor nodded and opened the few other gifts his father had given him. It was what Adam had said they were: small. Yet, thoughtful. An adult colouring book on zoo animals, complete with coloured pencils. Connor had glanced at Adam curiously; Adam had given a little cough of embarrassment and said that he'd heard that colouring could help ease anxiety and he thought Connor might have wanted to give it a try. Connor then turned to the small package and picked it up. He slowly picked the wrapping paper off to reveal a green ring box.

"They were your mother's," Adam said.

Connor opened the box and found two rings that he remembered quite well: his mother's engagement and wedding rings.

"I was saving these t give to you when you found the right woman. Then, you met … Anyway, I was going to keep them from you, after that. But, I decided they were rightfully yours, no matter what."

"Because I'm going to find that woman someday?" He hadn't meant to sound so bitter but, in light of everything, he realized that he did _feel_ that bitter.

"No. Of course not! Because she was _your_ mother. Because she loved you and you are her only child. Because I know that they'll mean something to you. Because, someday, you might want to adopt children and they might want the rings to wear or to offer someone else. I don't know how your life is going to go. I just know that you are the rightful owner of these."

Connor stared down at them. Children? No, never. He couldn't imagine being responsible for a small life that counted on him entirely. The thought of it left him panicked and repulsed. If he knew one thing for sure about himself it was that he could _never_ be a father. But that wasn't something he'd ever expressed aloud. Even his ex had mentioned kids in a passing, in a 'what if' kind of manner, when he was half-drunk and musing about grandiose dreams for the future. Connor had never corrected him about it, even though at times, he'd been seconds away from falling to his knees and begging his ex to _never_ bring children into the home, because it would be Connor that would end up caring for them, and he knew that he couldn't – not to mention the fact that he would never be able to protect a child from his ex's abuse, and it wasn't fair to bring an innocent into that situation, no matter what Connor wanted. There was no way that he could express any of that to his father and so he just said, "Thank you."

"What would you want to do with them?" Adam asked, and the question caught Connor off-guard.

"Um." He wanted to keep them with him, but what did that entail? Putting them on a shelf in his bedroom? No. Not safe enough. He wanted to keep Mom's rings with him, because that way, he could keep Mom with him. How did he do that, without constantly carrying around a ring box? He wondered what Jude would say to that. Immediately after, he wondered if he would even want to know what Jude thought. "I think … I would like to, um, get a chain for them."

Could he even wear a necklace? High shirt collars – if tight enough – had been known to bother him recently. A long chain. A lightweight chain. Something that he could keep tucked under his shirt unless he chose not to.

"We can go look in a few days when everything's completely up and running after the holidays."

"Thank you, Dad," Connor said. "Um. Your turn."

He had gotten his father the traditional chocolate orange, as well as a new tie, and a tiny pin with his school's logo on it. He knew that he shouldn't really get Adam anything big, but he figured that a pin couldn't hurt, if Adam kept it in his bedroom – somewhere that it wouldn't been seen by visiting company, who would ask why Adam had the name of a west coast university in his house when Connor was supposed to be in the east.

"I love it, Connor, thank you."

Connor was just about to start feeling awkward when, through cosmic timing, room service knocked on the door. Adam got up to let the deliverer in and Connor stayed on the couch, unable to take his eyes off his mother's rings. There hadn't been a day of his life that she hadn't worn these. He closed the box and held it close to his heart. Yes, he definitely wanted to get that chain soon.

On the coffee table, his phone lit up and buzzed. Connor opened the text message and smiled.

 **Jude: Merry Christmas, baby!**

(-.-)

 **Connor: Merry Christmas, Jude!**

Jude smiled at his phone and the dropped it on the pillow beside him, lazily closing his eyes. He wasn't really awake yet. He had just opened his eyes enough to register that it was Christmas morning now and he should text Connor. Now, he could catnap for a few more minutes. It was still early. The siblings wouldn't arrive for a while, at least, and there was no point in starting any point of the holidays without them. He could hear Moms – awake and murmuring to each other in bed, low enough that he couldn't hear the exact words that they were saying. He stretched and then he heard something. The door?

"Hello?" Stef called.

"Moms!" Mariana yelled. "We're here!"

"Under duress!" Brandon added.

"What?" Lena asked, and Jude heard his mothers' feet hit the floor.

He was _not_ expecting to be awake and functional nearly this early. Still, he pushed the covers on his bed back and following Stef and Lena down the stairs to where Mariana had most everyone else corralled in the living room. They were all wearing their Santa hats from the other day; he didn't even flinch when Mariana came up behind him and pulled the hat over her head. Jesus was fairly lackluster in passing Moms their matching green-and-red hats and he yawned behind his hand.

"Where did Brandon go?" Stef asked.

"To make coffee," Callie said.

"Being useful," Jesus said grumpily.

"Brandon didn't go on the date," Mariana whispered in Jude's ear, and then she adjusted the hat on his head again. "I do like this colour blue on you, Judicorn."

"Thanks."

Conversation moved sluggishly until everyone had a cup of coffee in their hands and they were all settled in the living room. Moms sat closest to the try so that they could help divvy up the gifts evenly. Jude liked that they still did that, though. He and his siblings were getting old enough that Jude knew their lives were going to start evolving and, soon, they might meet people, have children, and end up having other plans for Christmas. The family traditions that they'd had for as long as Jude could remember being with them were still intact, but they were starting to get a nostalgic feel.

"I think," Lena said, "we should start with Callie this year."

Callie quirked her eyebrow while Jude leant slightly toward her. Usually everyone bought a small gift for someone else – there were too many family members to buy a gift for everyone. This year had been an odd year. They had banded together to buy Callie a new camera to use for her new job. Callie quirked her eyebrow as Moms handed her the box.

"Gentle," Jude warned her.

She bumped her shoulder against his, none too gently, before reading the tag aloud. "To Callie, from everyone?"

"Trust it," Jude said, and she looked at him suspiciously.

It seemed like it took her forever to get the wrapping paper off enough to see what it actually was. When she did, she gave an astonished, high-pitched gasp that was out of character for Callie.

"You didn't have to do this," she whispered.

"We know," Lena said.

"We all wanted to," Brandon added.

"Open it!" Mariana said. "You're going to have to take some really nice pictures today!"

"I will!" Callie said. "This is amazing! Thank you!"

Unable to really contain herself, Callie situated herself by the coffee table and was unpacking the camera. It was the reaction that they had hoped for, though, and so they all just let her go while Christmas continued to flow around her. Gifts and laughs until, finally, Callie surfaced, turning to take a picture of Moms first.

"We weren't ready!" Lena complained, when Callie turned the camera around to show her the photo.

"You look cute, though," Stef said, kissing her on the cheek.

Jude knew he was next for the picture – Callie was slightly predictable like that – and so when she turned the lens on him, he had his cellphone out and snapped a photo of her holding the camera up to her eye.

"Hey!" she cried, but she was giggling about it. "Who has the real camera? Post, Jude!"

Jude smiled nicely for the photograph, and then laughed through the next one when Mariana leapt into his lap to pose with him. Callie snapped the picture, and then she looked down at it.

"This is beautiful," she gushed.

"You hear that, Jude?" Mariana asked. "We're _beautiful_."

"I meant the camera," Callie corrected.

"Do you like it?" Stef asked.

"I love it!" Callie responded. "Thank you."

"Does it have a timer?" Stef asked. "Can we take a family photo?"

Callie looked down at the camera and grinned. "We can try!"

And just like that, Jude was squashed in the middle of his family while Callie made a mad dash to get herself into the shot.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Storm**_ **by Lifehouse. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	49. The Lonely

_Connor reached out and pulled Jude closely to him, the blankets on Jude's bed tangling between them. Jude didn't let that get in their way and he pushed the blankets down, putting one leg on either side of Connor. Jude's hands came down on either side of Connor's head and Jude kissed him again, more passionately than before. Connor's hips pushed up toward Jude and he nearly lost it when Jude moved above him, the friction creating a sensation that Connor hadn't been expecting. He gasped and then sat up slightly, Jude following his movements. He pulled Jude's shirt over his head, throwing it to the side of the bed. It hit the curtain and stayed next to them, but that wasn't what mattered to Connor. He pulled Jude's warm body closer to him, tilting his head to kiss and bite softly at Jude's neck._

 _Jude panted, his nails against Connor's back. He pulled his hands down until he got to the hem of Connor's shirt, and then, that was off too. Jude cursed under his breath as he pressed his hands against Connor's chest. He ran his thumbs along Connor's abs and then pushed him back down, a fire in his eyes. Jude kissed his way down Connor's chest, his hands at the top of the sweatpants Connor had slept in. He pulled them down completely and Connor grabbed the pillows over his head as Jude's mouth slid down his shaft. Jude's name left his lips unbidden and he ended up dropping one hand down to the top of Jude's head, grasping Jude's strands of hair. One of Jude's hands slid between Connor's legs – not pushing, just lightly teasing him. He grabbed Jude's hair more strongly and pushed himself all the way into Jude's mouth. Jude's hand moved to Connor's hip, his nails digging into his flesh._

 _Connor let out a moan that he didn't really believe came from him and then he pushed Jude's head away. Not now. Not yet. Jude looked up at him and Connor got even harder. He flipped his legs underneath of him and bent so that he could kiss Jude and push him back onto the bed. The feeling of Jude's naked body against his own made him want to rush, but he didn't. He couldn't do that to Jude. He gave Jude one more long kiss, reaching his hand down to wrap around Jude's shaft moving his hand slowly up and down. Jude broken their kiss to lean his head back and laugh into Connor's lips, calling him a tease._

 _Connor didn't disagree but he knew, somehow, Jude liked it. He whispered sorry and Jude said he loved him, even if he was a tease. He didn't push it too far and, instead, moved back down the bed so that he could taunt Jude in a different way, by kissing the inside of each thigh, moving back and forth between the two of them, growing steadily closer to between Jude's legs, but not actually getting there. Jude called him a tease again, still laughing. Still happy. Connor tried to put his tongue everywhere but against Jude's cock until he had nowhere else to go. Jude's moaned, low in his throat, and the sound was as much of a turn on as anything that Jude could have done to him. Jude grabbed onto Connor's hair with both hands until Jude pulled him up, kissing him ferociously. Connor kept his hand against Jude until Jude came, hot and thick across his own stomach._

 _The next part happened in flashes of shaky hands, condoms, lube. And then he slid between Jude's legs, bending forward to kiss Jude one more time before he –_

Connor bolted awake, his body rock hard and sweat pouring down his brow. He pressed his hand to his beat heart and tried to take a breath, but he couldn't get any air into his lungs at all. He threw the blankets off himself, his body trembling. He hid his head in his shaking hands. That dream had never gotten that far. It usually just ended when Jude's lips were on his body. Once, it finished past that, but he had never gotten to the point of him touching Jude. It had always scared him too much. And he hated the dreams. Not because he had never idly thought about Jude in that way or because anything bad ever happened in those dreams. They were just unexpected. It felt like violation anew, and he hated that, because he felt like _Jude_ had been the one to violate him, even though that hadn't been the case at all. In reality, it was really the other way around: Connor had violated Jude with the dream.

He got out of bed, scratching at his arms. He felt dirty, like he was covered in a layer of grease or mud or anything else disgusting he could think of. He _needed_ a shower. He needed to get clean. He tried not to think about creeping through the hotel room to get to the shower; he just moved as silently as possible into the bathroom. He turned the water on and stepped in, turning it as hot as he possibly could. The water soaked his clothing, making his body feel as heavy as his mind. He wanted to scrub at his skin; he didn't want to be naked. The conflicting desire sent him to the floor of the shower, hiding his head between his knees and sobbing.

What else could he do?

(-.-)

Jude stretched his arms over his head and looked down at this phone. How many times was too many times to text Connor before he became clingy? He hadn't really gotten a chance to talk to Connor yesterday; he had been busy and Connor had been busy. For the three text conversation they'd had last night, he and Connor had said they'd call each other tomorrow. Which was today. And Jude had texted Connor when he'd woken up – Connor would definitely have been awake then – and Jude had still heard nothing. He tried to tell himself that Connor was just busy with Adam, but they hadn't been busy like this so far on the trip. And Connor always made a point to answer his texts. He didn't like the thought of ignoring someone.

Jude closed out his messages and put his phone away. He wasn't going to push it. Yet. He didn't like the thought of Connor ignoring him, especially when he knew he hadn't done anything. How could he have? They were fine the last time they had spoken and nothing had happened since then and now. He'd talk to Taylor about it when he saw her in a few minutes. He grabbed the bag he had packed and pulled it over his shoulder, thumping down the stairs to his living room.

Taylor was sitting there, talking to Stef.

"You didn't tell me you were here," Jude said. "In fact, you're early."

"Just doing some catching up," Taylor said. "It's been a while since I've been here."

"Taylor fills me in on all of the gossip you leave out, Jude," Stef said.

"Am I in trouble?" Jude asked, leaning against the doorway instead of walking into the living room, just in case he really was in trouble.

"No," Taylor said. "We're talking about things you don't even know about yet."

"Yeah, that sounds like trouble," Jude said. "Should we go?"

"I feel like he's trying to get me away from you," Taylor said. "Do you feel that?"

"I think I do feel that," Stef said. "And, she hasn't even gotten to see Lena yet."

"He's right, though, we should go," Taylor said, standing. "We've got another friend joining us."

"Daria?" Stef guessed.

"Dylan," Taylor corrected.

Jude's eyebrows raised. Dylan had skipped the lunch that he had Taylor had a few days ago – his father had a doctor's appointment, and Dylan had been going to all of them. It wasn't a big deal that Dylan was going to be there, but Jude still wished that he'd known in advance, particularly to tell Connor. He knew how sensitive Connor was about Dylan, and Jude wanted to be mindful of how Connor felt. He and Taylor both hugged Stef goodbye and then they were out the door. Taylor was borrowing her father's old SUV; it was the car that she always borrowed back in high school. Jude had logged a lot of hours sitting in the car, but he was usually in the backseat. Daria usually got the honour of sitting in the front.

"Why isn't Daria coming with?" Jude asked.

"Um, well, she's kind of … busy this weekend."

"Hanging out with Thomas?"

Taylor sighed and backed out of the driveway. "Questions later. Important destination first."

"By 'important destination' you mean the liquor store?"

"Absolutely," Taylor said.

"And why can't I talk about anything before then?"

"Because I need to be drunk before I talk about _that_ fiasco." Taylor lurched to a stop at a red light and looked to Jude. "That I … accidentally created. Please be supportive Jude instead of judgemental Jude."

"When am I judgemental?"

"You and Callie have a lot of fun judging people together."

Jude rolled his eyes. He wasn't judgemental! Although when it came to Callie, Taylor had a point. Though, Callie wasn't as bad now as she used to be. But that could be said for all them.

Taylor jerked into a parking spot. "Come on. It's booze time."

Jude jumped out of the car, following her through the front doors. "Hey, when were you going to tell me that Dylan was coming over tonight?"

"Is it a problem?" Taylor asked, hanging a basket off Jude's arm.

"No. I would've just liked a warning, that's all." Taylor put two bottles in the basket and he adjusted it on his arm. "I don't mind seeing him. I'm glad we're able to be friends again. Ish. I mean, it's not like we talk outside of when we're both here. But –"

Taylor turned, coolers in her hand. "But?"

"I don't know where I was going there," Jude admitted. "I like seeing him. I would just like warning if you do it again."

Taylor narrowed her eyes at him and loaded down the basket further. "Is this because of Connor? Does he have you on _that_ short of a leash?"

"One, Connor doesn't keep me on any sort of leash. Two, he wouldn't mind if I saw Dylan. I tell him out of respect, not because of any other reason."

"Mhm." Taylor grabbed a bottle of flavoured vodka and put it in with the rest. "This should be good."

"Yeah, it'll kill the three of us. Uh, it is just the three of us, right?"

"Right," Taylor confirmed. "But if we don't drink it all tonight, then I can drink it all later."

"You ever think you drink too much, Taylor?"

"No." She pulled him up to the register. "And it's my treat, Jude. Don't worry about it."

"You have to be feeling remorseful about something."

"Yeah," she said grimly. "But I didn't do anything to you, promise."

Her expression turned to a bright smile and she half-heartedly flirted with the cashier. It was an older man, wearing a wedding ring, that didn't take her seriously and grumpily waved her through. Jude picked up the bags, like a good lapdog, and followed her back to the SUV. Jude let her stew in her own thoughts on the drive back to her place, where she gestured him through the house and down to their familiar hangout with the basement.

"You're parent-free?"

"They're just a few doors down with the neighbours. They're getting drunk or swinging. Probably both" Taylor glanced over her shoulder and nodded seriously. "I mean it. They spend so much time with them. I can't think of a different explanation that would make as much sense."

"They're good friends?"

Taylor patted his cheek condescendingly. "You're so innocent, Judicorn. Lose that virginity yet?"

"If he has, I think I have a right to hear all about it," Dylan said.

Jude turned to see him descending down the stairs. "Hey."

Dylan lifted a hand in greeting.

" _And_ ," Taylor added, "considering how good looking Connor is, I think we all _want_ to hear about it."

"She has a point," Dylan said.

Jude rolled his eyes and grumpily took a spot on the couch. "I'm still a virgin."

" _Why?_ " Dylan asked, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him. "How could you possibly keep your hands off him?"

Jude reached forward and grabbed one of the coolers Taylor had picked up. He popped off the top and drank half of it in one go. Taylor had the right idea about being drunk. It was too embarrassing to be stuck between his best friend and his ex-boyfriend, talking about sleeping with his current boyfriend, who probably wouldn't ever be able to have sex due to trauma, particularly when said current boyfriend was ignoring him for reasons that he didn't really understand. It was enough to make Jude finish the entire bottle.

"You know that's not actually juice, right, Jude?"

Taylor finished pulling bottles of soda and juice for mix out of the mini fridge her parents kept downstairs and sat on the couch between Jude and Dylan.

"Maybe I just don't want to hear you talk about my sex life."

"We can't talk about it if you don't have it," Taylor retorted. "What do you want to drink, Dylan?"

"Uh, the vodka and the cranberry juice, please."

Taylor quickly started to pour out drinks, giving Jude the side eye. "We need to catch up to you now, I guess."

"Whatever. Are you going to tell me about that little fiasco you mentioned in the car?"

"I'm always down for gossip," Dylan said.

"Okay. Well, Daria and Thomas were going to be here tonight but then he suddenly had to go home."

"Why?"

Taylor handed Dylan his drink and then she pulled her feet onto the couch with her. She glanced at Dylan. "So, I was pregnant earlier this year. I had an abortion. It was the right decision. I went to a few therapy sessions about it. Long story short, okay? But, um, I kind of told people that Daria was the one who was pregnant to see what their more unbiased opinion was. And, um, so I guess the story kind of got back around to Thomas about the pregnancy and the abortion but it was about Daria and not about _me_. She never told him about what was going on with me. He didn't know. So, he thought that she was keeping all of that from him. He's really mad. When she was yelling at me over the phone, she said that he wouldn't answer his so she was going to drive to his parents' place and explain things but I think they're going to break up."

Taylor chugged her glass.

"Slow down," Dylan warned her. "Or we'll never catch up to you."

"I'm a professional drinker," Taylor said.

"I remember."

It felt like high school. It could have been. Were Daria to walk down the stairs with a bottle of coconut rum and were Dylan to slide across the couch and pull Jude's arm around his shoulders, just to kiss him when Taylor was whining about how spectacular single she was feeling. He remembered how Dylan kissed – his lips always fell heavy on Jude's and the first time they had kissed, Jude remembered thinking that Dylan brought a whole new meaning to the phrase 'sucking face'. Thinking about kissing Dylan just made him think about kissing Connor, because he would much rather kiss Connor – and not just because Connor kissed better. He checked his phone, just in case he had missed something, but he hadn't. There were just the last two messages he had sent – one at ten, when he'd gotten up, and one at six, when he was telling Connor he was going to be seeing Taylor soon. Now, an hour later, he typed out his third message.

 **Jude: Are you avoiding me?**

He looked up as Taylor put music on. Older songs. The type they would have listened to in middle school.

"So, what's new with you, Dylan?" Taylor asked.

"Nothing. I work and I spend time with my dad. He's, um, not really doing so great." Dylan took a drink, as if that would make things easier to say. "Doctor says he'll see another spring, but maybe not another summer. He keeps telling me to go back to art school as soon as I can."

"You will, though," Jude said. Dylan had talked a lot about art school and Maneesh had always been overly supportive. Maneesh's own parents had been Indian immigrants – Jude had sat through a lot of stories on the nights he'd had dinner with Dylan's family – who had raised their son overly strictly. Which had sent Maneesh to the side of overly liberal. Dylan had never had to worry about coming out or going to art school. Maneesh was the kind of supportive father that kids dreamt of.

"Of course I will. I love it there. And I was kind of … flirting with my roommate's best friend before I came back home."

"Lucky for him," Jude said, and he meant it.

"And, how's Connor?" Taylor asked. "We don't usually get to talk this long without bringing him up."

"You two did bring him up," Jude reminded her.

"All we talked about was how hot he was. Which you know. Even if you haven't had sex."

"How long have you been dating, again?" Dylan asked.

"Officially, since Halloween. So, not even two months." But it had been such a long two months. So much had happened in them.

"Unofficially, it's been a little longer," Taylor said. "And Jude's _in love_."

"I know," Dylan said smugly. "How in love's Connor?"

"Zero. Negative million." Jude took another drink and then he sighed. "No, that last part's not true. He definitely likes me. But zero."

"What do you mean by that?" Dylan asked. "He seemed into you from the little I saw him."

"Connor's got issues," Taylor said to Dylan. "But Jude won't tell me what in detail."

"I –" Jude started indignantly, and then his phone chimed in his hand.

 **Connor: Yes.**

"I'll be upstairs for a minute," Jude said.

Jude took his drink with him and headed up the stairs, pressing call. He had no idea whether or not Connor would pick up, but Jude was thinking that he should. That he better. Jude was owed an explanation, because he _knew_ he hadn't done anything at all to deserve Connor ignoring him. But Connor did pick up.

"Hi."

He sounded quiet and shamed. Jude immediately started to feel guilty. What if something had happened to Connor that actually had nothing to do to him? Had Connor just been ignoring everyone? But Connor had called him the other night when things had gone terribly wrong with Adam. Jude wanted to think that Connor would turn to him with things now, rather than keeping them inside.

"Hey," Jude replied. "So, I'm being ignored. Why?"

Jude took a seat at Taylor's dining room table and then decided that he was feeling too jittery to sit. He settled for slowly pacing up and down the hallway.

"We had sex," Connor whispered.

Jude froze in the middle of the hallway. "We? We who? You and who?"

There was no way Connor had sex with someone. He could barely stand to be in the same room with people that he didn't full trust; he fully trusted Jude and even then, the boundaries between them were firmly set. Even then, Connor still panicked.

"You and me."

Connor's whisper was so low that Jude almost missed it and it took him a moment to process what, exactly, Connor had said. When he had, Jude's brain still stalled and stuttered. "What? No. Connor, I'd remember –"

"In my dream."

"What? This is about something that happened in your dream?"

"Yes."

"That's … ridiculous," Jude said. "And unfair! You can't be mad at me for something that happened in a dream!"

"Not mad," Connor corrected. "Just, um, uncomfortable at the thought of you. I _know_ it's not fair, but, um, it felt so real and I-I-I c-c-c-can't deal with that."

Jude bit his lip. He wanted to be comforting. He knew that he should be, because Connor didn't operate the way that a person who hadn't been abused operated, but Jude just couldn't handle what he was saying now. He took a drink from his bottle and just felt frustrated.

"Okay, but, Connor, it was a dream. None of it was real. You know that if you're uncomfortable with sex, we're not going to go there."

Connor stayed quiet and Jude knew it was because his voice was a little too loud and his tone was a little too strong. But Jude wasn't going to apologize for it. He had nothing to apologize for. Connor should know that Jude wasn't going to push him by now and that, when it came down to it, Connor was the one leading the way, because he was the one who was constantly uncomfortable.

"Connor?"

He was crying. "W-w-w-we were having sex, in my dream. And, um, y-y-you said you _loved_ me."

"Connor –"

"And I was happy about it!" Connor shrieked. "And I hate that because I'm not that person here and now! And I never will be. I'll never be that guy who can be happy and who can have sex and who can fall in love and I'm so sorry, Jude."

Jude took another drink. His bottle was going to be empty long before he needed it to. Connor didn't love him. He never could. He kept saying it. Jude finished off the bottle and stared down at it, as if it could tell him what to do next. He wished that there would be answers to everything in an empty bottle.

"I'm so sorry, Jude."

"Sorry for what?" Jude asked. "What are you trying to say?"

Connor took a shaky breath and Jude went down the basement steps again. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and the jug of orange juice.

"Ju –" Taylor started, but he glared at her, holding a finger to his lips.

"I guess I'm …" Connor started, then stopped.

Jude bit down on his sigh and went into Taylor's kitchen, pulling a glass out of one of the cupboards.

"What?" Jude said. "You're what?"

"I want to be that person, Jude. I do. But, um, no matter how much better I get, there are lines that I can't cross, and I know that. I don't … I mean, I don't ever want you to hate me for that. I'm sorry."

That was too much vodka. He was going to drink it anyway.

"Connor, this sounds like something that we should be talking about in person."

"We're not in person," Connor sniffed. "And I wanted to talk to you. I was scared to talk to you. I feel so _sick_ when I think of us having sex."

"It repulses you that much," Jude said flatly, and he took a drink. Sex with Connor didn't repulse him at all. He _wanted_ to know what that was like.

"Sex just does. Even if I take you out of it. That's why the dream was so scary," Connor said. "Because it wasn't. Because there was nothing in there that was scary. It was both things that we wanted to do and we were both happy. And it makes me sad. I always want what I can't have."

"You have me! In whatever way you want me! I am here for you! I'm not going anywhere, because I –" Jude tripped over his words before spluttering, "I _care_ about you! You have to trust me on that! On things!"

"I do trust you," Connor said. "As much as I can."

But that was always it, wasn't it? There was always some sort of cap, some sort of limitation, on what Connor could give and what they could be. Jude wished he could wave those away. With anyone else, he probably could. Connor wasn't just anyone, and that was part of what Jude liked about him. It always overwhelming him how hard it could be at times. He wanted it to be easy. Sometimes, it _was_ easy. Those times couldn't last and couldn't be consistent, but Jude thought it should.

He took another drink.

"Can't you trust me completely?" Jude asked. "Haven't I earnt that?"

"It's not about what you've earnt," Connor said seriously. "If it was about that, then you would have everything, Jude. You're perfect."

Not always. Jude took another drink. His mind was starting to feel heavy and a little buzzed.

"What was the point of this conversation?" he asked.

"Oh. Um. I n-n-n-needed to say sorry for avoiding you because I was uncomfortable but it wasn't your fault."

"Is there anything I can do that will make you feel better?" Jude asked, his mouth going dry. He was coddling Connor when he was the one who was upset. But he couldn't tell Connor he was upset. Neither of them would gain anything from that.

"Um, no. I g-g-guess I just wanted to talk to you. We were supposed to talk this morning. But that wa-was my fault."

"Connor, I'm in the middle of something, actually."

"Oh."

"Which is why I wanted to talk to you earlier. I'm with Taylor and Dylan."

"Oh," Connor repeated. "I thought it was Taylor and Daria."

"Change of plans," Jude said. "Is it a problem that Dylan's here?"

"No. Um, you know how I feel. I-I-I'm really sorry, Jude."

"I know." Jude sloshed his drink around his glass. Half empty. "You always are."

"I-I'll be able to see you in person, soon," Connor said quietly. "I'm excited for that. I've missed seeing you in person. I th-th-think I'll be able to talk better, then."

"We're supposed to talk anyway," Jude reminded him.

"I know. I … I'm sorry, Jude. I didn't mean for this to, um, well, happen. L-l-like this."

"I know. It's okay."

"You're lying to me."

He was, but he was surprised Connor noticed.

"B-b-but, I, um, won't keep you."

"We'll talk tomorrow," Jude said. "Have some time to think, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm not _angry_ , but I am _upset_."

"I understand. Jude?"

"Mhm?"

"I miss you."

So sad and so sweet that it pierced Jude's heart.

"I miss you too." _And I love you, but you'll never want to hear it_. Jude finished off his glass.

"Bye, Jude."

"Bye."

Even though it had been his decision to end the phone call, Jude didn't want to hang up. But, what else was he supposed to do? He clearly wasn't about to have the kind of conversation where he was level-headed and understanding, at least, as best as he could be. He was just upset and drinking too quickly. But what else was he supposed to do when his boyfriend said he'd been ignoring him because he'd had a sex dream about the two of them that, even though he liked the dream, he hated himself for having it?

Jude stood at the top of the basement stairs. He could hear Taylor and Dylan talking and he wished that Dylan weren't here. He didn't know his ex-boyfriend that well anymore – not to the point where Jude would be able to confide in him the way that he used to when they were together. And, Jude didn't want to talk about the low points in his new relationship in front of Dylan. There was something defeating and humiliating about that. Jude slowly walked down the stairs.

"How was the phone call?" Taylor asked.

"Fine."

When he got close enough, Taylor took his glass from his hand and refilled it. Jude knew that she knew that he wasn't fine. When he sat down next to her, she put her arms around him, pulling his large frame down to her small body. He buried his head in her shoulder and that was when the first tear fell from his eye. He bit down on his lip desperately. He didn't want to cry, not because of Connor and not in front of Dylan. Taylor held him tightly and it was the fact that she could do it so casually and that Jude knew how much she cared about it him that sent even more tears slipping through. He could feel her jaw move and then he heard Dylan make an excuse to leave, something about his father, and Jude knew he should lift his head up and say goodbye, but he just couldn't make himself follow through with the action. He told himself he'd text Dylan later. Then, the moment he knew that Dylan was actually out of Taylor's door, he let himself break down completely against Taylor's shoulder.

It felt so good to let it out. He knew that he could cry in front of Connor, but he knew that Connor would ask why. And the moment Jude let the truth spill – that it was about his frustrations to grasp just what was going on in Connor's head and to understand it, let alone be a decent person about it – Connor would be upset too. It would then become about Connor's comfort, because of the way that Connor reacted to things, over the way that Jude reacted to things. Jude loved Connor; he wanted to put Connor first. Sometimes, he couldn't, and he knew when those times were. But that was why he had Taylor.

"Want to talk about it?"

Could he? Should he? He had protected Connor, told only Stef and Lena minor details. And Connor had said that he would rather talk to his mothers about him than Taylor, but there were some issues that he couldn't say to them. It wasn't about Connor, it was about him. He sniffed a couple of times and then he slowly began to talk. Taylor wasn't her usual self; she didn't interrupt and she didn't ask him a hundred questions. She just let him talk his way through the past few months, since he had met Connor up to today's phone call. By the time he had finished, he was just angry. Upset and angry.

"Throw," Taylor said, putting a pillow into his hands. "Any wall, pick one."

Jude leant away from her so he could pull his arm back and hurled the pillow at the wall. It didn't have the satisfying _thud_ that he wanted it to, but he had to admit that it felt good to do something.

"Jude, that's a lot for someone to deal with."

"Moms have said. I don't need you being them."

Taylor hugged him back to her.

"I shouldn't _want_ him to change. I shouldn't _need_ him to change. Especially if I really do love him. But I want more. I'm going to keep wanting more. I don't know how to change that about me. Something's going to have to give and I'm not ready for it to. He'll never love me and I can't help but love him. Where does that leave us?"

"Like I can tell you that," Taylor said. "Only Connor can. But, Jude, if you need to be with someone who can madly love you back, maybe he's not the right person."

"I'm so confused," Jude confessed. "I'm confused about love and sex and I think Connor's confused too."

"Then talk to him. Be honest with him and he'll be honest back. I know you care about him but I don't want you to be too upset. Especially since Connor's got so much going on. I mean, _wow_. You don't have to deal with that."

"But he does and I want to be there for him and I want to be _with_ him. Nothing makes me feel the way just seeing him does. I love waking up in the morning and getting to have coffee with him. I love the look on his face when I surprise him with things like the date we went on. He was just so excited. I want to be great for him and make him happy, because seeing him happy is what makes me happy. I love _him_. I know I don't have to be there with him and I know that I could leave, but I don't _want_ to."

"Even if he doesn't say I love you back?"

"I think so. I think I just needed to rant about it a little bit."

"What about sex?" Taylor asked. "Because I know you haven't had sex yet, but I know it's not because you don't want to ever have sex."

Taylor started gently playing with Jude's hair and he leant into her touch. He couldn't ever let his fingers get anywhere near Connor's head; if he could, Jude would run his hands through Connor's long hair. The longer Connor's hair got, the more he was tempted to do it.

"I think so about that too. That's what confuses me about the dream. He said his dream-self liked having sex and liked me being in love with him. Do you think he might really feel that way and it was coming out in the dream?"

"I don't know. Sounds like he had a pretty bad reaction to it. I don't know him like you do."

"No one does," Jude said.

"You don't feel guilted into staying with him, do you?"

"No!"

"Okay, okay," Taylor said quickly. "I didn't mean to offend you."

She cuddled into him. Jude relaxed next to her.

"Take your mind off it for a moment," Taylor said. "Just you and me for the night."

"I should apologize to Dylan."

Taylor swatted his arm. "What did I just say? You and me! You can tell him you're sorry tomorrow."

"Don't let me forget."

"I won't," Taylor said, "but you won't either."

"Yeah," Jude said. "Hopefully."

"So," Taylor said, sitting up and grabbing the remote. "Do you have your drink?"

"Yes, of course."

"Great. Let's watch some ANTM to relax."

Jude laughed, but he didn't say a word against her. He knew better and, even with his feelings about the show, he knew that he would be able to relax with it and that was what he wanted – to get lost in the mindlessness of something. It felt nice.

"Oh, Jude, she's crying. Drink."

 _Drunk_.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **The Lonely**_ **by Christina Perris. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	50. Angel By Your Side

Art galleries were nice places. Not only was there a lot to keep Connor distracted, but it wasn't a breeding ground for conversation. He and Adam hadn't been having many of those; they had made it through Christmas without many difficulties, if only out of respect for the spirit of the holiday, but now they were back to awkward distance. Connor knew it was because he hadn't forgiven his father for recent revelations and Connor wondered how long it would take him this time. Or if he should just let it go, because he had forgiven his father for all of his other actions. He was confused and he'd rather stare blankly at swirls of bright colours than confront that. Between Jude and his father, there was a lot on his mind. The people he relied on the most were the people that he currently didn't know how to talk to. That might have been the hardest thing about it all.

But it wasn't as if he were losing either of them, and Connor thought it was progress that he wasn't panicking about that. His ex used to do that to him and he would worry about that, along with everything else, the minute that a small disagreement happened. Not anymore. He and Adam had mended bridges before – they were getting quite good at it – and Connor was sure that, after he had more time to think about it, perhaps talk to Dr. Scott, he and Adam would be fine. His father had his back now. As for Jude, well, Connor wasn't hopeless. He was sure that things would work out, but he wasn't sure what kind of conversations they were going to have to have. He reminded himself of his conviction to have a conversation with Jude about sex and love and how Jude should go if that's what he needed from a relationship. He wanted to wait and have that when they were face to face. He thought it might be easier to it that way. And, if he were being completely honest, he wanted it to be face to face in case Jude decided that it was the last time that they were going to be together in a relationship sense. He didn't think he'd be able to handle that conversation from a distance.

"Connor?"

He shocked back into himself at his father's voice. It was too easy to get lost inside of himself.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Are you getting bored? We can go if you are."

Bored, not necessarily. Uncomfortable in front of people, absolutely. And the art gallery wasn't their only mission for today. Adam had promised that they would be getting the neckless for his mother's rings today. They seemed like such little, simple things to do, especially for two people who were here on vacation and who were supposed to be seeing and experiencing, but Connor was starting to get exhausted. It was too long of a trip and too much for him. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up pretending that he didn't need a long day, doing nothing but puttering around the hotel room. It wasn't as if they didn't spend a decent amount of time there, either. Adam still had work calls that he needed to make and, therefore, they were in a lot.

Connor just wanted to go home; he was beginning to think of home as his dorm room and his side of Jude's couch.

"Let's go, Dad."

"Sure there's nothing more you want to look at?"

Connor nodded. He had gotten his fill and he wasn't big on art. He wasn't sure what he was looking at most of the time anyway. He turned away from the paintings and followed Adam out the door.

"There's a jewellery store not too far from here where we can get what you want," Adam said. "Would you prefer to walk or grab a taxi?"

"Walk, please," Connor answered, even though it was cold.

"Let's go, then."

Connor followed, half a step behind Adam, feeling like a lost puppy as he did so. He tried to keep his eye on everything in the city at once, but it was an impossible task, as was trying to avoid bumping into strangers completely. It was just one of those days where it felt like the entire world was coming up against him and, like always, he didn't have the strength to push back. He tucked his hands deep into his jean pockets and was just about to ask how much further he and Adam had to walk when his father motioned him into a store.

It was warm inside and uncrowded, with two employees idly chatting behind the large, glittering display cases while the third was showing engagement rings to a middle-aged couple. The two bored employees turned simultaneously when Adam and Connor walked in, putting on bright customer service smiles.

"Hi, there! How may we help you?"

"We're just looking for a chain," Adam said. "Something for my son."

"All right, we've got a lot like that," the male employee said, gesturing the two of them toward the back of the store. "What length are you looking for?"

"Oh, something, um, middle of … my chest, I guess," Connor said.

"Gold, silver?"

"G-g-g-old." His mother's rings were gold.

"Okay, what do you think of this one?"

Connor shuffled closer to the jewellery case and peeked in. The one that was being pointed out to him was big and thick; it made his neck feel weighted just by looking at it.

"We were thinking something thinner," Adam said. "We've got a special pendant we want to hang from it."

"I see. So, maybe something more down this end."

Connor and Adam side-stepped to follow the employee and Connor leant forward again. These were definitely more like he was thinking and he couldn't stop looking at the price tags. He stood up again, putting himself in Adam's space as much as he could manage. Under his breath, so as not to seem rude in front of the employee, he said, "Dad, it's too much."

It was what he'd been thinking this entire trip.

"It's fine, Connor," Adam said. "I wouldn't have brought you here if I wasn't going to buy something if you liked it."

"Thank you."

Adam turned back to the employee. "Can we see the one second from the right, please?"

The man nodded and opened the back of the cabinet. He placed the necklace on top of the glass and started describing the characteristics to Adam. Connor wasn't paying much attention, though he knew that he should. He was more interested in the colour of the gold, which matched his mother's rings near perfectly. As perfectly as he was going to get without having the rings in his palm to compare.

"May I pick it up?" Connor asked.

"Yes. Try it on if you wish."

Connor could feel the employee sharply watching him as he picked up the chain. It was sturdy; he didn't worry about breaking it if he wore it for a long period of time. He lowered it over his head. It could barely feel the weight of it, though he could certainly feel how cold it was against his heated skin. He brought his finger up and hooked it around the chain, trying to guess how it would feel if the rings were added.

"Do you like it?" Adam asked.

"Yes," Connor said. "I think it's perfect."

As Adam paid, Connor fidgeted, both from thinking of how much money his father was spending on him and from how anxious he was to get his mother's rings on the necklace. He was glad to get out of the warm store; it was starting to feel suffocating.

"Do you want to do something else today?" Adam asked, and then he checked his watch. "For an hour or so? I have a call that I can't miss."

"We could go back now," Connor said.

"I don't want you to get home and feel like we spent the trip holed up in a hotel room," Adam said. "If there's anything at all you want to do …"

"No, let's go back," Connor said. "I can … look up somewhere to go for dinner. It'll be nice."

"That sounds like a good idea."

They walked back to the hotel, mostly in silence. It was when the hotel came into view that Connor tugged slightly on the chain.

"Dad?" he started, "did you really love Mom?"

"Yes," Adam said, not taking time to think or hesitate. "I did. It's probably what made everything so hard for me. I did love her, Connor, and she loved me. She told me that I just wasn't the person she was meant to love for the rest of her life."

That was hard to hear and, from the look on Adam's face, Connor could tell that it was hard to say and hard to remember too.

"Did you know Amelia?"

"No," Adam said. "I don't know her at all. I know _of_ her. She's a friend of a wife of one of my co-workers. I guess that was how they met. Last time I heard about her was a few years ago. She got married to a woman and was moving to Connecticut or somewhere around there. I didn't think of her much. Don't think I wanted to."

They crossed the lobby and Connor hit the elevator button. He should have something more to say, but he just didn't. He was slightly curious about Amelia, but not really. If she had been close, maybe he would have thought about reaching out, but he had nothing to gain from knowing her. It was Adam that he had to deal with and find answers in, if there were any answers and reasons to truly be found at all. Connor wasn't completely sure of it. It was real life. Sometimes there wasn't a rhyme or reason and that was the hardest thing to swallow. Sometimes people just did things, like hurt and take advantage, just because they could.

Adam opened the hotel door and Connor scurried inside. He left Adam to get himself organized for his business call, going inside of his room and closing the door. He knelt in front of the suitcase and retrieved his mother's rings from where he had hidden them away. He opened the clasp on the necklace and slid the rings down. They clinked together as Connor did the clasp back up and pulled it over his head. He took the rings in his hand and held them tightly, warming them, and pretending – not well and just for a moment – that he was holding his mom's hand.

He felt strong. He felt capable. He felt like he imagined normal people could sometimes. And then he decided that it was time to call Jude. He had to make up for last night and he really had to try to get it right this time. To keep getting it wrong was to keep hurting Jude and if there was one thing that Connor knew he absolutely didn't want to do, it was hurt Jude.

(-.-)

Jude was having a rare moment alone. His moms were out, doing some shopping while the sales were going, and his siblings weren't needed for anything holiday related. He was glad that his parents didn't have to see him as hungover as he was. He had to stop going from not drinking at all to drinking a lot, because it always left him curled up in bed and dizzy. Taylor, of course, had been exuberant and fine this morning, which made him even more bitter and glad to be back in his old bed, alone and under the blankets. He kept thinking that he should text Dylan and apologize but, later. Possibly even tomorrow. Even after. Dylan would understand.

His phone began to ring and Jude snuck a hand out from under his comforter to grab it off his nightstand.

"Hello?"

"I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?"

"No, baby, I wasn't," Jude said. "I'm glad you're not avoiding me today."

"I deserved that," Connor said. "Jude, I really care about you. I get scared too easily and that makes me react in the wrong way. I don't know how to make that not sound like an excuse. I just, um, wish we were talking about this in person."

"Me too," Jude said, "but I don't want to let it wait. What else are you thinking, Connor?"

"Um. I'm thinking that I don't want to lose you over something like sex but I understand, completely, that, um, it might be something that changes things. If you want to be with someone that can be the person that I'm not. That I can't be. I meant what I said about, um, you being perfect and deserving everything. I just don't have everything."

"We've talked about sex. I meant what I said when I said we didn't have to have it. It doesn't change the fact that I have feelings for you or what those feelings mean to me. This is something new, Connor, and I don't want to just end up saying the same things again."

"I'm not asexual," Connor said.

"I know." Jude wasn't sure how that fit in. He scrunched his blanket up closer to his body, wanting to disappear into the warm folds.

"So, it's not that I don't feel things. It's not that I'm not attracted to you. I am getting curious."

"You've told me about the dreams before."

"This one was more vivid. And you've never said you loved me in a dream before; that made a difference. I can understand physicality more than I can deal with emotion. Things didn't get bad with my ex until he said he loved me. He –"

"He what?" Jude asked, his mouth going dry. He had to hear it, even though he wasn't sure how much he actually wanted to.

"He actually only said it once," Connor whispered. "Only once. Right after I moved in with him. He would say other things and let me fill in the blanks, but he never actually said it again. I spent our entire relationship wanting to hear it again. It was just another control mechanism, I think now."

"Probably. So, what do we do now, Connor?"

"Do you want to break up with me?"

"No!"

"I don't want to break up with you, either," Connor said. "I just don't want to be someone you end up resenting because of love and sex and the things I can't give."

"I don't resent you. I … really care about you."

"I don't want that to change, Jude." Connor sighed. "What would you say if I told you I wanted to have sex?"

"Hmm. I think that, you know, I'd want to talk about it first and make sure that we meant the same thing when we said sex and kind of what it was going to be like," Jude said. "I mean, knowing your past, I definitely wouldn't want to surprise you and with how I feel about sex, I know that I wouldn't want to be surprised. Then, after that, we'd have sex."

He could imagine what it would be like. He had spent a lot of time, particularly during the night hours, letting his fantasies run just a little too wild. Particularly when Connor had started letting him get closer, when they would make out in his couch and Jude's hips could press against Connor's, his legs spread around Connor. That had driven his imagination to the point where Jude had felt nearly crazy with the want to be close to Connor. That was definitely something he had pushed down when in front of his boyfriend but when it was one a.m. and he was alone in his bed, there was nothing that was going to stop him from indulging himself.

"But you're not asking, are you, baby?"

"No. Would you want me to?"

Jude had to tell himself to be honest and to not lie for Connor's comfort. "Yes."

"Um. Well," Connor said, and then he stopped himself and then just softly sighed. "Are you still mad at me?"

"Upset," Jude corrected. "And, yes. But, again, it wasn't about what _happened_ , it was about how you reacted."

"I guess I still don't have that right," Connor said. "I'm sorry, Jude."

"I know. We'll work on it. Just don't run away from me completely, okay?" He worried, for a moment, that Connor was going to take that the wrong way and he thought of last night, admitting to Taylor how frustrating that could be, but he would rather worry about Connor than be on his own.

"I won't," Connor said. "And I really don't want to. Do you believe that?"

"Yes."

"I can't wait to see you," Connor said. "I've missed being with you."

It warmed Jude to hear that. When he and Connor were in front of one another and Jude could see his face, it was easy to read Connor's face and know what he was thinking. Over the phone, when Connor's tone tended be fairly flat, it was harder to tell how he was feeling.

"Well, we'll have a good day when you come home. When do you land, again?"

"Um. I probably won't be to your house until around, um, I think, um s-s-s-six," Connor said. "I have to go back to my dorm first, drop off suitcases and water my cactuses. I hope nothing bad happened to them."

"I'm sure they'll be just fine," Jude said. "Okay, so, you get here around six and we'll have supper around seven and then we can go to bed by eight."

"Eight, Jude?" Connor said, and he laughed slightly. "Did you turn ninety over break?"

"I work, like, four to noon," Jude said. "And you're going to be jet-lagged anyway! We might as well just snuggle in together!"

"I like the sound of that," Connor admitted. "Maybe you should try and nap before I get there."

"I'll be too excited," Jude said. "I'm going to oversleep the day before, because the day before that, I'm doing some New Years stuff at Callie's place. Me, her, Mariana. Taylor was going to come, but she went back to school early."

"Oh, why?"

"To grovel at Daria's feet," Jude said.

"Oh. I, um, hope she'll work things out with Daria," Connor said.

"Mmm, she screwed up," Jude said. "Are you busy right now?"

"Not until supper," Connor said. "I'm all yours."

"Just until then?" Jude teased, and it felt nice to joke, even though he knew that there were parts of him that still pained. He would let it rest, just for a moment, until he found the right words to put to what he was feeling. "Or a little longer than that?"

Jude would be lying if he said he didn't want Connor to become uncharacteristically mushy. He wanted Connor to suddenly say 'forever', even if it wasn't true and even if it was sappier than Connor had probably ever been. Jude just wanted to feel a little faith from Connor; he needed to feel a little faith.

Connor inhaled quickly. "I am yours, um, for the foreseeable future."

"So diplomatic."

"I guess it does sound impersonal," Connor admitted, and he sounded slightly sheepish. "But, um, I mean it. For the future I can picture, I can see you there."

Not quite mushy, but still enough to make Jude smile, hide his face in his blankets like a hormonal fifteen-year-old. It made him want to giggle, because it made him that happy.

"H-h-h-how's Dylan?" Connor asked. "H-h-h-h-how was last night?"

 _He was so sweet for trying_ , Jude thought. He cocooned himself completely in his blankets and closed his eyes as he started to speak. He smiled as he listened to Connor's little reactions, picturing how his boyfriend might be sitting, in an unknown hotel room, a large elephant nearby, listening to him completely. The thought made him happy.

 _Connor_ made him happy.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Angel By Your Side**_ **by Francesca Battistelli. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	51. Rescue You

Connor stepped into his room, breathing out a sigh of relief at finally being home. The flight back from New York had been more chaotic – more people, more movement, and more turbulence. The airport had also been a mess, with several outgoing flights delayed because of weather at their destinations, which lead to crowds that Connor had been nowhere near prepared to deal with. Next time he went somewhere, he was _not_ going during a holiday. Particularly one where he was going to end up crushed in a long queue of people desperate for taxis.

Connor rolled his suitcase further into his room so that Adam could come in too and close the door behind him. He busied himself with checking on his cactuses.

"Happy to be back?" Adam asked, and Connor nodded.

"I like it here."

"Are you seeing Jude tonight?"

Connor nodded. "Unless, um, you wanted to do something."

"No, my flight is leaving early this evening, so I'm just going to go back to the airport once you've unpacked the suitcase."

"Thank you for flying back with me," Connor said. "You didn't have to."

"I know you wouldn't have been happy on your own," Adam said, and Connor knew that was an understatement. "And I'm happy to spend a few more moments with you."

Connor pulled some of the clothes out of the suitcase; he was unsure what to say to that. He was grateful that Adam felt that way and grateful that Adam was willing to go this far for him. Since the revelation about Amelia, though, Connor had been starting to wonder more and more if Adam was doing it out of guilt, even though Connor thought he felt that way before, everything else he learnt only made him more convinced of that. Connor finished spilling the contents of his suitcase onto his bed and zipped it up.

"Would you like me to drive you to Jude's?" Adam offered.

Connor glanced at the clock, feeling nerves in his stomach. He was home far earlier than he'd told Jude, and on purpose. He'd wanted to surprise his boyfriend. It had seemed like a good idea at the time but now that he was here, he was worried Jude would be angry with him. After all, Connor had _lied_. It didn't matter what the purpose or intent was. Connor had _lied_.

"Yes," he said. Jude should be home by now. "Please, take me."

Adam took the suitcase out the door and Connor took a few moments to pack his backpack as an overnight bag, stuffing in Ampelos and an extra set of clothing. He took care to lock his door tightly and then he and Adam were in the elevator, and then down into the parking lot. Connor didn't feel much like talking on the drive over, though he did get Adam to drop him off a few houses ahead of Jude's.

"I hope you had fun on the trip, at least," Adam said, "even with some of the things that happened."

Connor pressed his hand to his chest, feeling his mother's rings. "I did. I _am_ glad we went, especially together."

"Will you come home this summer?"

"I – I, um, well, I can stay in my room this summer. I was hoping, uh, to do that. Instead."

"I didn't mean the whole summer," Adam said quickly. "But I was hoping for a couple of weeks. Maybe one at the beginning of summer and one at the end. You have time to think about it."

"I will," Connor promised. "A week doesn't seem so bad."

It might be, though. It might be a terrible decision. It might bring back a flood of things from this time last year and all of the things that he had been through and felt at that time. It might not be good for him. It also might be good for him. It might be good to go back as a different person and be able to prove to himself that he was stronger than the pain that he left there.

"You can bring Jude," Adam said. "If that's what you want, I'll buy you both plane tickets."

"Really?"

"Really," Adam said. "It would count as your birthday gift, but I would."

Connor smiled and realized now was the moment that he should hug his father, if he were able. Despite his hopes to be at that point, he and Adam weren't. Still, he reached out his hand and placed it upon Adam's shoulder. He couldn't remember the last time he had intentionally touched his father; he'd been avoiding it the entire trip to New York. Adam smiled back at him, reaching up and touching Connor's arm. It was just a little too much for him and Connor pulled back.

"Have a safe flight," Connor said.

"Tell Jude 'happy New Year'," Adam said. "I'll let you know when I get home. Have a good night."

"Thanks, Dad."

Connor slipped out of the car and shouldered his bag. He waved goodbye to his father and then headed down the street, nervous about surprising Jude.

(-.-)

Jude turned his music up a little louder, trying to keep himself awake. He yawned into his arm and opened his fridge door. He flipped the steaks over, checking the marinade on them. He'd gotten up even earlier this morning than he had to, because when he was looking up how to marinate steaks, he realized that they should probably be sitting for longer than he was planning on having them to. He closed the door and looked at his counter. Vegetables.

To deal with later. Connor wasn't going to be home for a couple of hours.

Jude grinned at the thought of it. He wanted Connor home, even though he knew that this, probably, wasn't what Connor considered home. He glanced at the door, as if that would make Connor appear, but there was nothing. Jude flopped on the couch, his eyelids feeling heavy, and he rubbed at his eyes. He checked the time on his phone. Hours until Connor landed. And, even though he had told Connor he'd be too excited to sleep, and he did feel the jitters, the exhaustion was so much stronger than he had originally thought it would be. He turned on a show, just to have something in the background, and then he pulled the plaid blanket over him.

Jude closed his eyes and nestled in on the couch, ending up tossing and turning slightly. It was just like he had told Connor over the phone – just because there was more room on the couch didn't mean that he was more comfortable. He hoped Connor's plane got in early; he just wanted to see Connor's face and hold him close. His mind slowly began to drift and sleep felt like it was close when he thought he heard something. He almost went to sit up and then dismissed it; he didn't often hear Melanie moving around upstairs, but that didn't mean he never did, and it had just been a thump. It wasn't a big deal. And then the doorknob rattled.

Jude sat up, feeling, for the briefest moment, like he understood Connor's paranoia, and then he heard the lock click, and that washed away. If it had been Melanie, she would have knocked, and there was only one other person with a key. But he still didn't believe it until Connor's face poked around the side of the door.

"Hi," Connor whispered.

"Hi!" Jude sprung off the couch, suddenly feeling energetic. "Baby, you're early!"

"I wanted to surprise you," Connor said, stepping inside and locking the door behind him. "Is that …"

Jude waited, but then several moments passed, and Connor just stood there, watching him. "Is that what?"

"Well, I was going to ask if it was okay, but now I can just kind of see it on your face that it _is_ okay."

Jude let his grin take over his face and rushed the few steps it took to get to Connor. He pulled his boyfriend into his arms and Connor dropped his backpack to the floor to grab onto Jude. Jude spun him in a quick circle and then nuzzled Connor's hair. Connor was holding him more tightly than Jude thought he ever had before.

"You missed me too, didn't you?" Jude teased.

"Yes," Connor said, his voice muffled.

"Not avoiding me now," Jude added.

"No!" Connor tilted his head back. "Jude, I am sorry about that."

"I know, I know," Jude said, and he bent his head, pressing a kiss to Connor's cheek. "And we'll talk about it."

"Tomorrow," Connor said, pressing his hand to Jude's chest so that Jude would look at him again. "We'll talk tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?"

"Because I'm sleepy and you're sleepy," Connor said, touching one of Jude's dark circles. "And so we should wait to talk about important things so we can listen properly and make sure we can say the right things, right?"

"Right," Jude agreed, and then he couldn't take it anymore.

Jude bent his head and kissed Connor deeply. Jude's heart thudded as Connor hugged him even more tightly, wrapping one of his hands around Jude's hand. He was holding Jude to him and Jude was glad for it; he was glad to feel that want in Connor's arms and in his kiss. Jude let one hand slip as far down Connor's back as he would let it go and then he pressed Connor even more to him. He wanted to feel the entirety of Connor's body against his own. Connor kissed him back with a fervor that matched his own, until Jude felt like his lungs were going to burst and, even when they had to breathe, Connor cradled Jude's head in both of his hands and held their foreheads pressed together.

"You okay, baby?"

"I underestimated how much I missed being actually with you," Connor confessed.

"Does that scare you?"

"Yeah. But not in a bad way. It's nice to know, for sure, that I can do it without you and it's a _want_ to be with you instead of need to be with you." Connor paused, considering. "I mean, I didn't do it entirely by myself. I guess I called you a lot, but, going that far and going out so much and being around people so much with my Dad felt big for me. He's someone I can count on, I know that, but he's not someone I can open up to. Do you get it?"

"I get it."

Jude kissed him lightly.

"Jude? Can we sit down? My legs are really tired."

"Yeah, come on."

Jude grabbed his hand and tugged him over to the couch, sitting first, before pulling Connor down with him. Connor laughed a little and then snuggled into Jude, getting closer than Jude thought he would. He rested his back against the arm of the couch and draped his legs over Jude's lap. Jude was tempted to pull him even closer so that he was actually sitting on Jude's lap, but he resisted that temptation. Much like the dream had, it would probably send Connor into a spiral. He just pulled Connor's arm around his neck so he could rest his head against Connor's shoulder.

"I like this," Jude said.

"Me too."

Jude snaked his arm across Connor's chest, but he felt something underneath his shirt. Jude picked at it. "What's this?"

"Oh." Connor pulled at his neck and Jude looked up to see a gold chain emerge from under Connor's shirt. "Dad gave me Mom's rings."

The chain was long enough that Jude didn't feel like he was imposing into Connor's space to pick up the rings.

"They're beautiful, baby," Jude said. "You happy to have them?"

"Yes. Of course." Connor reached up his hand and held onto Jude's. "I'm glad I took that trip. I'm also glad that I'm here again."

"And we have a few days before classes start, just for us," Jude said. "And then you're going to take a poetry class. Are you going to read me poetry?"

"If you want me to," Connor said. "I'll read you the good poetry, I promise."

"Pinkie promise?"

Connor linked their pinkies together, and then Connor pulled him in for another quick kiss.

"Are you staying with me tonight?"

"Yes," Connor said.

"Good. I have steak in the fridge for you. When we're hungry."

"Sooner rather than later?" Connor suggested. "I'm kind of tired."

"Do we want to make it late-ish lunch instead of supper?" Jude asked. "Then we have leftovers to pick at."

"We can," Connor said, "but I also just want to stay like this for a little longer."

Jude was happy with that. He rested his head against Connor's chest and pulled the blanket up around the two of them. He listened to Connor's heart thud and it was like a lullaby. His eyes began to drift and he had to perk his head up and shake it, just in an attempt to keep himself awake.

"How was your shift?" Connor asked when Jude glanced at him.

"Slow," Jude said. "And, really, unimportant."

Jude shifted around until he was on his stomach, mostly lying on top of Connor. He waited to see if Connor would protest and when he didn't, Jude made himself even more comfortable. He wanted to say something but he also just wanted to stay quiet and take in being face to face with Connor. One of Connor's hands traced down the length of Jude's spine and it raised goosebumps on his arms.

"Will you tell me you missed me?" Jude asked.

"Again?"

"Please." He was a little needy, but that was okay.

"I did miss you," Connor said. "I missed you a lot."

"And you're sure being this close doesn't bother you after your dream?"

"No," Connor said, though his eyes shifted. "It's easier in person because I can really grasp onto who you are and not re-create things in my head in the wrong way. It's always a problem, Jude, that I want you to be worse than you are. I don't know how to deal with how nice you are sometimes."

"Because you're still stuck on your ex?" Jude asked, and he almost regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He didn't usually like to be the one to bring it up; he waited for Connor to want to share. He kept back that feeling, though. He couldn't keep protecting Connor from how he was feeling – it was as Connor, himself, as said, and something that Taylor had also said.

"Not stuck," Connor said. "That makes it sound like I would rather be there and that's definitely not the case. But he's in my head a lot. He's _embedded_."

"Like a parasite?"

Jude was relieved when Connor smiled crookedly. "It's not inaccurate. One of those mind-control parasites."

"You can break free!" Jude said, trying to sound optimistic. If he were being honest, he was flat out _hoping_ that Connor did and that, in the end, there was no last bit of him that belonged to his ex. It wasn't that Jude wanted to own him, even though a voice in the back of his head whispered that this kind of thinking was close to straying into that territory. Rather, he wanted Connor to own _himself_ so that he could _give_ himself to Jude. To Jude, it seemed a much better way to phrase it.

"Thanks, Jude. You help."

Jude kissed Connor's cheek; he wanted to help, mostly for Connor, but also because he was a little selfish. He almost said that to Connor, sure on some level that Connor already knew and understood, but before he could start to phrase the words, Connor turned his head and kissed him, and Jude melted.

"I don't want to be his forever," Connor whispered.

"You're not his," Jude said automatically, his heart plummeting. He wished Connor looked convinced of it too.

"I have to belong to someone," Connor said, and then Jude saw a shadow cross his face. "That's not something normal people say."

"Not really," Jude said. "But, you know, you can belong to you."

"Not while I'm still trying to decide whether or not I love him," Connor said.

Jude's mouth went dry. "I thought you said that you didn't. And that you knew that."

If Connor noticed the edge of panic in Jude's voice, he didn't show it.

"I know but I also said it was something I still struggle with, remember?"

Faintly. Jude remembered that faintly.

"I bounce back and forth a lot," Connor continued, "because I can't decide if it's worse if I never loved him or still do love him. I just know I'm not free of him. I'm not free of what happened to me. This time last year, I was just getting home from the hospital and adjusting to life without him. It's really not that far away. He's still so close. I feel that, a lot. Maybe … Uh, no. I _know_ that's why I struggle so much when it comes to us and being torn between _wanting_ it and not being able to do it. You should have met me five years from now. I'd like to think I'd be a lot different then."

"I'm here now," Jude said. "And I think we're doing okay. I'm always here for you, baby. We … Uh, we don't need to rush anything."

Like falling in love. Like being in love. Of course, he wanted Connor to know. Of course, he felt like he was hiding things from his boyfriend by not saying it. But he couldn't let those thoughts drown out what Connor was clearly telling him he needed from him. It could wait. It wasn't going to wait long, Jude knew, but he wasn't going to hurtle forward at the speed of light. Maybe he should wait. Maybe he should wait until things were a little better. If he waited, even for another month or two, then Connor might react a little better, though Jude knew to keep himself from getting his hopes up that Connor would be truly happy about it.

He was more confused now. The more he tried to think about it, the worse it got. He knew, then, that even though he was completely sure of his feelings, he wasn't sure about going about it. It wasn't fair to Connor to say anything unless he knew he was going to do it right.

"I know we don't," Connor murmured, "and that means a lot to me too."

Connor kissed him softly and Jude felt oddly guilty. He rested one hand across Connor's stomach and held onto him. Connor rested against him and then Jude felt Connor's stomach gurgle.

"Hungry?"

"A little," Connor admitted.

"Then let's get supper started."

"It's too early to call it supper," Connor protested. "Late lunch?"

"That's longer to say," Jude protested. He considered things for a moment and then said, "Lupper."

"Lupper," Connor repeated flatly.

"Lunch-supper," Jude said. "Let's get up. I've got mediocre food waiting to be cooked."

"Give yourself some credit."

Jude grinned. "I say the same thing to you all the time."

He rubbed the end of his nose against Connor's and then kissed him quickly, before getting off the couch and helping Connor do the same. He took Connor's hand and guided him over to the stools.

"Am I being exiled?" Connor asked, sitting as Jude asked.

"No. But I promised I would cook for you and I know you won't be able to stand in the kitchen and not help, so I'm going to stick you here. Or anywhere outside of the kitchen that you'd like."

"Here's fine," Connor said, "but I think I'll grab my journal."

Jude squeezed his hand and headed into the kitchen. It was just going to be a simple dinner: steak, potatoes, and carrots. He started peel the potatoes in the sink, watching Connor slowly write down a few things.

"Writer's block?"

"Kind of. I just have nothing, really, that I want to write down. I did a lot of writing about my trip before we left the hotel. There's nothing really left."

"Hmm," Jude mused, trying not to cut off a chunk of his thumb. Before he could speak up, Connor's phone vibrated. He guessed, "Jake?"

"No. An e-mail. From my poetry professor."

"Welcome to the class?"

"Yeah. Looks like that. There's a link to a blog too."

"What kind of blog?" Jude asked, and then thought it was probably a _poetry_ blog. Why would Connor's _poetry_ professor send him anything else?

"Poetry, quotes, song lyrics, some random pretty pictures," Connor said, scrolling quickly through his phone. "She said we don't have to look at it, but, if we have time, we might find things interesting."

"Will you read me something while I cook?" Jude asked.

"Sure," Connor agreed.

Things were quiet for a moment, and then he heard Connor laugh softly.

" _I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see, now my troubles are going to have troubles with me_ ," Connor recited. "Dr. Seuss apparently said that."

"I like it," Jude said.

The potatoes finished, he quickly started to peel the carrots. They were easier to do and he was quickly cutting them up to go in the pot. He was getting overwhelmed by doing three relatively simple things. He couldn't imagine doing what Connor did and balancing three different dishes at once.

"Oh," Connor said.

"Oh, what?"

"I don't really read poetry," Connor said. "I didn't realize that other people's words could really ring so true."

"What kind of words are you reading?" Jude asked.

Everything was okay to cook on its own for a few minutes, and so Jude circled around to lean on the counter next to Connor. Connor cocked his head to the side so that he was resting against Jude.

"This one's called _Fear Of Commitment_ , by Beau Taplin," Connor said. " _I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of surrendering control too quickly, of placing my heart into hands that won't know how to hold it._ "

Jude circled his arms around Connor. "It's a learning curve."

"The more I know you, the less scared I am that you are going to hurt me," Connor said, "but I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to be without fear."

"We'll see if we ever get there." Jude kissed Connor's cheek and glanced at his phone. Jude reached over and scrolled down a few of the blog posts, pausing when Connor said, "I just … Oh. Just wish I was different. You deserve different."

"But I like _you_." Jude kissed his cheek again and then he read, " _You must stop the haunting thinking that you are not enough for me. You spend so much time being exhausted with yourself that you truly forget nothing can ever steal away the way in which I love you. I love you without rewards, without reasons and without days: For in my eyes the clocks sleep and the seconds dream every moment your hand is curled around mine."_

"That's … overwhelming."

"Christopher Poindexter wrote it, not me," Jude said, but he knew what Connor met. He hadn't read to the end of the quote when he started talking. Maybe he would have thought twice.

"I know," Connor said, his voice fading. "Jude?"

"What?"

"I know you told me not to say anything about the kitchen tonight, but the potatoes are about to boil over."

"What? Oh! Thanks, baby."

Jude hurried back into the kitchen, rescuing the potatoes. He fumbled around, mashing them up and mixing in milk and butter. Connor read him a few more quotes, but mostly just light, sweet things. Jude finished making dinner and put it on plates. It looked slightly sad, compared to what Connor could make, but Jude just glanced at his boyfriend. Connor was going to appreciate the fact that he had tried; Jude knew that he had tried.

When Jude put the plate down in front of Connor, the first thing that he did was thank Jude for it. Connor linked their feet as they ate, more quietly than they usually did, but it was nice. It was nice to be able to just sit together after their weeks apart. When their plates were almost empty, Jude had to break the silence.

"So, what now?"

"Mmm," Connor said.

Jude knew that sound, and he pressed slightly. Connor knew what he wanted, but he didn't feel like he should say it. Connor made a small sound, but then he gave in.

"I kind of want to lay down in bed. I kind of want to watch a movie."

"We can watch a movie in bed," Jude said. "We can put the useless laptop on the nightstand."

Connor turned his head slightly, looking over the rest of the room. "I don't think I've ever seen you use that laptop."

"Because it's a million years old and it doesn't really do much anymore but, come on, let's see if we can get it to do things."

They put away their dirty dishes and then got ready for bed. Jude was sitting in his bed, waiting for the old laptop to bring up the internet browser. He looked up when Connor left the bathroom, wearing his dark sweatpants and his white shirt. _Those arms_. The things that he would do to see Connor topless. Connor climbed up next to him on the bed, resting his head against Jude's shoulder.

"What are we going to watch?"

"I don't know. I was thinking something funny? We usually like something funny."

"Yeah. You pick. I trust you."

"We'll see what's on Netflix, anyway. That'll limit our choices." Jude bent over the laptop, typing. The old machine whirred, as if it were annoyed.

Behind Jude, Connor started moving around pillows and blankets. Jude didn't pay a whole lot of attention to him, until he felt Connor's presence behind him and Connor's strong hands on his shoulders. Jude leant back into the unexpected massage, letting out a moan and forgetting about anything else.

"What's this for?" Jude asked.

"Oh. Um. Well, I j-j-j-just …" Connor sighed. "I'm not going to lie, Jude. It's just pure habit. I, um, didn't really think about it."

"Oh." Jude hadn't meant to sound like he was pouting, but he sort of was, even though he was expecting it. Something like that wasn't really in Connor's nature to just do, out of the blue. He'd do it, but Jude would have to ask for it.

"Do you want me to stop?" Connor's hands slowed.

Jude reached up and took Connor's hands in his own, wrapped his arms around Jude's own body, and curled into him. Connor held him tightly and pressed his lips to Jude's forehead. Jude wanted to lean his head back further and kiss his boyfriend, but he bit the inside of his lip and held it back. He kept himself mostly in Connor's lap as he leant forward and put on a movie – any movie; the first movie he thought they'd be interested in. Then, he grabbed a blanket and pulled it up over the two of them, as they laid down on Jude's pillow pile.

"You can't see if you lay like that."

"That doesn't matter," Jude said. He was more comfortable this way and he knew that he was probably going to fall asleep soon.

"Did I upset you?" Connor asked.

"It's just one of those things, baby. Sometimes I end up thinking about whether or not you're really seeing me sometimes. Or if you're seeing him."

It was one of those days that Connor's ex just wouldn't leave the two of them alone. Jude also had to wonder if it bothered Connor the same way that it bothered him. Jude didn't want Connor's ex to be this involved in _their_ relationship. He was gone, long gone. Jude was morbidly curious sometimes but, then, after that, he was repulsed by it. The man who had destroyed Connor so thoroughly wasn't someone to be _curious_ about.

"It's you." Connor's thick fingers slid underneath of Jude's chin and Jude tilted his head back to look into Connor's bright eyes. "It's _you_."

Connor was so transparent. Jude would almost like to see him lie to someone, just to know what it looked like.

"Please believe me," Connor added.

"I do" Jude promised.

"I'll never give you a back massage."

"Let's not go that far," Jude said quickly, and Connor laughed. "We'll talk about it later."

"Later," Connor echoed. "I think I'm going to be asleep before this movie's over."

"Me too," Jude said. "Do we need to set up the pillow?"

"We _should_ ," Connor said, "but I don't want to."

"We'll see what happens in the morning, I guess," Jude murmured.

"We'll see."

Connor kissed his head again and Jude let his eyes drift shut. _Morning_. Or midnight, depending on when they woke up. But it would be fine. Connor tucked the blankets tighter around them. It would be more than fine.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Rescue You**_ **by High Valley. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	52. Please Don't Say You Love Me

Jude woke happy, stretching out on his side of the bed. At some point during the night, he and Connor had rolled away from one another. He flopped around, grabbing his phone and checking the time. Just after five a.m. Jude couldn't remember the last time he'd been awake at five a.m. when he hadn't had to work. He dropped his phone back on the nightstand, cringing at the noise.

"Jude?"

"It was just me," Jude said. "The noise, I mean."

He couldn't tell which one of them sounded more asleep.

"Promise?"

"Yes."

Jude flopped back against his pillows and then he felt Connor's hand, tugging at his hip. Jude rolled into Connor, fitting his body around the shape of his boyfriend's. Connor's breath tickled at the back of his neck and goosebumps rose on Jude's arm.

"It's early."

"I'm always up early," Connor murmured. "How'd you sleep?"

"Like the dead."

Jude took both of Connor's hands in his own, tightening Connor's arms around him. His eyes half-drifted shut again. It was so cozy and warm under the blankets and he wanted to fall asleep again, even though he knew that he'd slept too long and he might not be able to manage it. But he loved that Connor loved slow mornings. It didn't seem like something that he would like; Jude would have pegged him for someone who had to get out of bed when he first woke up.

"Are you going back to sleep?"

"No," Jude said, and he squeezed Connor's hand. "You're safe."

"Easy to say," Connor mused, and Jude felt a little bad about that.

"Nothing's going to get you here," Jude assured him.

"So far, that's been true." Connor stifled a yawn and then he tucked his head down against Jude's shoulder again.

Their wake up was so slow that it was until after seven, when Jude was just starting to feel the beginning of his caffeine headache, that they actually got out of bed, stumbling around between the kitchen and the bathroom until they ended up on the couch, mugs in their hands.

"Do you miss waking up in New York?" Jude asked.

"No. It was nice to visit and it was good, but waking up here feels better. I don't know if I have the words to say why." Connor shrugged. "Maybe … No, never mind."

Jude stretched his leg across the couch to poke his boyfriend's thigh. "If I'm not allowed to do that, you're not allowed to do that."

"Can I ask a question first?"

"Sure."

"H-h-how long do you think we'll know each other?"

Jude swallowed a mouthful of coffee before saying, "A while, yet. A long time, I hope. I can't say we'll be like this forever –"

" _Especially_ not after just a few months," Connor interrupted, and Jude's stomach clenched.

"Right," Jude said, though he didn't feel that way. He could agree that, sometimes, a few months just wasn't enough time to know and, yet, in other cases, he felt like a few months were enough to be sure. Enough to be sure of certain things, at least. He _wasn't_ sure that he and Connor would be a couple forever, but he was sure that he and Connor were going to be in each other's lives for a very long time. He was sure that he was in love with the man that Connor was and that he didn't want to miss out on the man that Connor would become. "But, um, I'd like to keep you around for a while, you know? I like us and I think we keep getting better."

"I agree," Connor said. "I was going to say that maybe, if we were together long enough, we might go to New York. Sometime. Eventually. Maybe."

Jude grinned. "I'd like that. We can also – sometime, eventually, maybe – travel to other places."

"New York has left me tired of travelling. For a while," Connor said.

"So, it's not me, it's you?" Jude asked.

Connor laughed. "Usually me, I know. But, m-m-maybe someday."

"I like talking about someday with you," Jude said honestly.

"It could be worse," Connor said.

Jude laughed. "I'll talk it."

"Should we, um, maybe talk about other things?" Connor said. "It's after Christmas."

"It is," Jude agreed. He finished off his coffee and put the mug down on the table, bringing his knees up against the back of the couch. For weeks, he thought that he'd known exactly what he was going to say. He wasn't going to waver; he was in love with Connor and Connor should know. But, now, it was zero hour and Jude just didn't know what the best thing was for both of them.

"We said a lot over the phone, you know, and I just wanted to say again that I didn't mean to hurt you about the dream I had. I'm just still not sure how to handle something like that. Or anything about sex and love, which is why I need to know if … if that's something that you need from who you're with," Connor said. "If you need someone who is going to be able to say 'I love you' to you and someone who's going to be able to have sex with you, then I can and can't be that person. I can't ever be the person who is going to mean it. But I've been the person who can fake it. Who can say it. Who can go through the motions, and you know that. And I – I – I, um, I don't want to be that person again. And I don't think you want me to be, either. I don't think you'd ever ask me. And I don't know what I would say if you did ask. Because I like how we are. I don't want to change it. But I, um, am pretty sure that, eventually, you're going to want more than what I can give you. I j-j-just worry about how that's going to happen."

"Wow," Jude managed. He hadn't expected the small speech and he hung his head. Connor was going to be honest with him, and that was what he expected from Jude, too. Jude couldn't hide anything from him.

"Too much?"

"Maybe," Jude said. "Connor, the things I want, I want _with_ you. I'm not going to ask you to do anything you don't want to do or anything that you're uncomfortable with. You're right, that's absolutely _not_ me and that's not what I want from us. I like how we are too, but …"

The words hung heavy on the tip of his tongue and he reached out his hand. Connor grabbed tightly onto him.

"But, what?"

Jude locked eyes with Connor. "You know, baby, I love your eyes."

Connor half-smiled. "I know."

"And the rest of you," Jude added, feeling breathless. "All of you."

"Jude," Connor said, the grip on his hand going slack. "Jude, don't –"

"I'm in love with you," Jude finished.

Connor pulled his hand away, his expression built of utter devastation.

"T-t-take me home," Connor said, his breathing starting to quicken. "Please. Take me home!"

"Wait," Jude said, "there's more I want to say."

"Take me home! _Please_."

There were tears starting to form in Connor's eyes and Jude knew that he'd gone too far and that he had underestimated Connor's reaction.

"Okay, yeah, I'll take you home. I, um, there's some things I want to say on the drive," Jude said. "I would just like you to listen."

Connor nodded, but Jude wasn't even sure if he was listening to him now. Connor fled from the couch and packed up his things; Jude didn't think he'd ever seen him move so fast. Jude got off the couch much more slowly, gathering his keys and getting his shoes. Connor was ready and waiting for him near the door but, already, Jude could see that something had changed. Connor was actively staying out of his space now, something that hadn't been the case between them for such a long time.

"Ready?" Jude asked, reaching to see if Connor would let him take his hand. Connor flinched away from him and Jude felt his heart crumble in his chest. "I'm so sorry."

Connor didn't say a word and Jude hung his head. What had he done? The time hadn't been right. He should have been able to wait, shouldn't he have? It was what would have been better for both of them, Jude realized now, but he couldn't turn back the clock. He couldn't heal anything. He had made Connor _flinch_ ; Connor had been expecting violence, of some degree, from him. Jude didn't try and help Connor, instead giving Connor his space on the way to the car. When they were seated, Connor pressed himself against the door. Jude backed out onto the road, searching for the right words. It didn't take that long to get to Connor's dorm and Jude didn't want to waste the time he had to explain himself, because he knew that he wasn't going to ask Connor to stay in the car with him after they'd parked. Not when Connor was so uncomfortable now.

"I told you I loved you for the same reason I told you I liked you. I didn't want to hide it from you. I didn't want to lie to you about it. It's not a bad thing, Connor, it's a good thing."

"You can take it back," Connor whispered. "Please? Take it back."

"No. I can't do that," Jude said. "I'm not going to lie about it. I'm not going to hide it. I'm not going to pretend that I don't feel that way about you, because I do. I completely do. I'm in love –"

"Don't!" Connor screeched.

Jude glanced away from the road, catching sight of the tears on Connor's face before looking back at the road. "Baby, I didn't tell you I love you because I want to upset you or because I want things to change. I know things with your ex changed and I know how he used that –"

"You don't know anything about him," Connor interrupted flatly.

"Oh. I mean, I guess that's true but I just meant that what I want and expect from our relationship now isn't any different from what it was yesterday before I told you."

Campus was starting to come into view and Jude's heart kept sinking lower and lower in his chest.

"Told me," Connor repeated, his voice shaking. "But thinking it for longer."

"Yes."

"How long?"

Jude couldn't lie to him, even though he knew Connor was going to hate the truth. "Since my birthday."

Jude looked to Connor's face again; Connor looked crumpled and small. Jude gripped the steering wheel tightly, reminding himself to breathe. He waited for Connor to say something and the silence weighed down on him. Connor wasn't _going_ to say anything and Jude bit his tongue. He wanted to say something, but he didn't want to start repeating himself.

"We can still be us," Jude said, slowing down as he approached the nano parking lot.

"It's all different now," Connor whispered.

"Does it have to be?"

"Yes."

Jude finally stopped in a parking spot, knowing that he couldn't delay any longer. "I don't think you're right."

Connor shrugged. He reached down and pulled his backpack onto his lap, holding it in front of his chest like a shield.

"Can I talk to you tomorrow?" Jude asked.

"Um, yeah. Okay."

"I'll call you," Jude said.

"Okay."

Connor wouldn't look at him.

"You can call me any time," Jude said, even though he was fairly confident that he wouldn't be hearing from Connor at all.

"Thanks."

"I'll let you go now," Jude said. "Have a good day, Connor."

"Y-y-you too, Jude."

Then Connor was gone and Jude was left to drive home alone.

(-.-)

 _"I love you."_

 _"Don't you know how important you are to me?"_

 _"Everything I do is to keep you safe. Don't you know how I feel about you?"_

 _"This is how you make me feel, Connor. This all comes from you."_

 _"You are what matters me to me in this world."_

 _"No one will ever feel about you the way that I feel about you."_

 _"You will never have what we have again."_

But it had all started with _I love you_. Connor had never been hit, had never been manipulated, had never been raped before hearing _I love you_ from a man. A man who he knew, in hindsight, had come to that conclusion too quickly. Like Jude had, less than a month after they had officially started dating. Connor had never thought that the relationship he had with Jude would be comparable to the one that he had with his ex, but here they were.

Here he was, trapped and afraid again, and not knowing how to move. Connor buried his head in his hands and sat in the middle of his dorm room floor.

He didn't know what else to do but cry.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Please Don't Say You Love Me**_ **by Gabrielle Aplin. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	53. Heavy Heart

Jude toyed with the phone in his hands, turning it over and over. It was nearly thirty hours after saying ' _I love you'_ and he hadn't heard from Connor at all. He wished that he were surprised. He wished that Connor would reach out to him first and that they would be better than before, because Connor understood how love could be good and beautiful. Jude knew it wasn't that easy. He bowed his head, the coffee maker running loudly next to his ear. But he and Connor had come so far since September.

His feelings churned inside him. Jude wasn't even sure if he could stomach the acidic coffee, but he knew he'd develop an even bigger headache if he didn't. Jude slowly mixed his coffee and he wanted Connor here next to him. He wanted for them to make breakfast and coffee together, _for each other_. He unlocked his phone and almost called Taylor, but then he locked it again. He didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Usually, Jude appreciated Taylor's in-your-face, go-hard-or-go-home attitude and support about things, but there was something inside of him that was just aching so badly and he knew that Taylor wouldn't really get it. He didn't really feel like anyone would get it because even Jude didn't fully understand it yet.

Jude had left Connor alone long enough. They'd agreed to talk today. He unlocked his phone again.

 **Jude: hey**

 **Connor: hi**

 **Jude: Can we talk?**

 **Connor: Are you going to call?**

 **Jude: I was hoping for face to face**

 **Connor: I'm not comfortable coming over.**

 **Jude: That's okay. Somewhere on campus? You can pick?**

 **Connor: Okay. When would you like to come?**

 **Jude: An hour? I can pick up lunch. We can eat and talk.**

 **Connor: Okay.**

 **Jude: Do you want anything in particular?**

 **Connor: You pick.**

 **Connor: I found a study room. I'll meet you in front of the library if that's okay with you.**

 **Jude: That sounds great. I'll get burgers and fries from the place we like, okay? See you soon.**

 **Connor: Okay. See you soon.**

Jude sighed and lifted his coffee mug to his lips. An hour was both too much and too little time, and Jude just wasn't sure what to do. He just wanted to get it right. But he just didn't know what to do. He hated the thought of going into it and hoping for the best, but he was stuck. Everything he said was completely dependent on what Connor was about to say. There was only one thing that Jude was sure of and that was that he was not going to back down on the fact that he really _was_ in love with Connor. He wasn't going to deny it. He wasn't going to pretend that he didn't say it or didn't mean it. To do so would simply break his heart.

He might get his heart broken anyway.

(-.-)

Connor stood up from the library steps, his knees shaking so badly he gripped the railing so he wouldn't fall back over. Jude walked slowly toward him.

"Hi, Connor."

"Hey, Jude," he said, and he sounded out of breath, even to his own ears.

"I brought food," Jude said, hefting the takeout box.

"Um. R-r-r-oom, um, room six."

Jude nodded. Together, they walked up the steps, Connor being careful about keeping Jude directly in his line of sight. He hated being distrustful of Jude, but Jude had proven himself to be unpredictable now. Love meant crazy people doing crazy things. It was horrifying. He hated being horrified of Jude and he wrapped his arms around himself to keep his feelings on the inside.

Connor swiped his student card and let them in.

"Door open or closed?" Jude asked.

"Open, a little, please," Connor whispered. Closed enough that their conversation couldn't be heard, but that someone would know if he screamed. Connor sat down, keeping his legs tucked under his chair.

Jude sat opposite of him and unpacked the food. Connor felt the impulse to start talking, but he held it in. Talking could only get him in even more trouble. Jude needed to say something first; that way, Connor could figure out the best way to respond. Even if the silence was so oppressing that it hurt. Jude slid the box containing Connor's burger over to him and Connor rested a hand atop the white container.

"Thank you," he said, the lump in his throat aching. He couldn't appear to be ungrateful.

"You're welcome," Jude said. "Do you want to talk and eat or talk then eat?"

"Whatever you would prefer," Connor answered.

"You're allowed to tell me what you want."

"No, I don't think I am," Connor said slowly. It sounded like a trick.

Jude bit the end off his fry and Connor watched his mouth move. In the past few months, he had come to like kissing Jude. In September, Connor hadn't even been able to properly sit next to him. It was alarming to him, now, looking back and seeing how quickly they had gone. Connor hadn't even realized it. It wasn't as quickly as he had moved with his ex and maybe that was why Connor hadn't seen it happening until it was too late.

"Can I ask you something?" Jude said.

"Yes."

"Are you scared of me?"

Connor bit his lip. "Um. Yes."

"But you weren't scared of me before I told you I loved you?"

"No."

Jude closed his eyes and sighed. Connor leant back in his chair. His ex had done that – a low, soft sigh that sounded more innocent than it was and then, in a dark, patronizing voice would explain to Connor _why_ he felt the way he did, and then Connor would end up being hit. He knew the routine. By the end of it, he would just obediently sit and wait for the explaining to be over. He'd stopped trying to get himself out of it or let his side be known. He'd stopped trying to hide or trying to get away. By the end, he'd done all but ask for it.

"Love isn't bad," Jude said.

"It is," Connor replied. "It makes people insane. It makes … I'm never going back to that place, Jude. I'm never going to … Please, don't make me."

"I'm not going to _make_ you do anything, Connor. What I'd like is for you to let me show you that love isn't bad. Love doesn't equal what you had with your ex."

"I loved him back," Connor said. "So, I let him. It made me weak."

"You aren't weak," Jude said immediately.

Connor knew he was wrong, but he knew he couldn't say so. He picked up one of his French fries again, but he just ended up twisting it between his fingers.

"I'm not trying to tell you what you had with your ex. You're the only person that you can know whether or not you really did love him; if he loved you, that's something that he'll know. Maybe you can understand his side of things better than I can. But that's not the only kind of love there is, Connor. And, just hearing you talk about your ex, I know that I love you in a different way. My way. I think you'd like it. If you gave me the chance."

"I-I-I can't, um, d-d-do that. The chance. I, um, I can't take it."

Jude hung his head; Connor hated to see him look so sad. It was Connor's fault and Connor could fix it, and that tore at him. He could fix it. He could make Jude smile; he could make Jude happy again. But he had come just far enough that he knew he had to be strong and not give into that. He knew, now, that it wasn't selfish to take care of himself. And he couldn't just lie down and let what had happened with his ex happen to him again. He didn't want to believe Jude was capable of it, but he hadn't wanted to believe his ex was capable of it either.

"Do you want to break up with me?" Jude asked, and Connor was surprised he had done so that bluntly.

Connor's mouth gaped like a fish for a moment.

"You can tell me the truth, baby," Jude said, his voice so full of raw emotion that it wounded Connor. But there was sweetness to him as well, and that was what really made Connor feel broken. Any other man would want exactly what Jude was offering. For some, what Jude could give was only a dream. Connor knew something was wrong with him, but it was so perfectly illustrated in the moment that he didn't reach for Jude, because he couldn't stop thinking _what if._ What if Jude ended up hurting him? What if he ended up in the same spot he had been with when it came to his ex? It wasn't fair.

Connor didn't know how to be fair, to himself or to Jude.

"Do you want to break up with me?" Jude repeated, and he sounded so hurt.

The last thing that Connor wanted to do was hurt him, but Connor knew enough by now to know that anything less than the absolute truth with Jude _would_ hurt him. "I-I-I don't, um, know."

"Can you explain that to me?"

"I can try," Connor said. "Is that enough?"

"That's more than enough."

Connor nodded and took a deep breath. He didn't want to tremble and shake his way through this. "Um. I still _like_ you but I don't feel like I can trust you anymore. That … Um. The word 'love' is like a trigger, I guess. Is that the right word? But it just fills me with fear and expectations of the worst. Does that make sense?"

Jude nodded. "I think I underestimated how much it would affect you to say it."

"Thanks for saying that," Connor said. "I, um, th-think I have a question."

"Anything."

"Do you think you meant it?" Connor whispered. "It's okay if you didn't. You can take it back. We can go back to the way it was."

"No, I _know_ I meant it," Jude said. "But that doesn't mean things are going to be different. That's what you're afraid of, but being in love with you isn't going to change me into someone you don't know at all. I'm still me. I'm going to treat you the same way that I have been. I'm asking you for the opportunity to show that it's going to just as great as it has been. I am here for you, you're here for me. Nothing has to change, Connor."

Connor looked down at the table top, feeling tears well up in his eyes but he didn't know why. He didn't know anything.

"I know you've taken a lot of chances on me. I know you've come out of your comfort zone a lot. I know that being in this relationship isn't always easy for you."

"It's not always easy for you, either."

"No, but it's _easier_ ," Jude said. "I don't want to push you, but this isn't something that I'll be able to play halfway with."

"What's that mean?"

"It means 'I love you' and I'm not going to stop saying it. I'm not going to be able to hide it. I'm not going to be able to not say it. And if that's something that you really _can't_ do, then …"

Jude wasn't able to finish his sentence, but Connor knew. "Then you're going to break up with me."

"That's the last thing I want."

Connor could feel that; it was an active, pulsing thing that he could feel in his chest. He didn't really want to break up with Jude either. "I just can't picture what being with you is going to be like anymore. I know that I'm not going to be able to just relax and let things just carry on the way that they have been. I feel like I'm going to be waiting for you to snap. I don't think that's fair to either of us."

"You're right."

"So, what?" Connor asked.

Jude laid his hand across the table, his palm facing toward the ceiling. Connor stared at it for a moment, and then he placed his fingers atop Jude's. Jude didn't grab onto him; he didn't squeeze him. Their hands just rested atop one another.

"It's almost too much for how long we've known each other," Connor said.

"I know," Jude said. "But we'll get the hard stuff out of the way now so we can just be happy later."

"If you really can be happy with someone like me."

"I really can," Jude said. "Because I really have been in these past few months with you."

"I want to be with you," Connor said. "I just don't know if I can anymore."

"So, if you're biggest problem is that you don't think I'll still be me, then let me prove it to you."

"You have already spent the last few months proving yourself."

"Because you're worth it. That's what you mean to me. I want you to be just as comfortable standing in front of me as I am in front of you. I don't spend every minute feeling like you're demanding something or anything like that. I know I don't _have_ to, but I honestly want to, Connor. Because I love you."

"I really don't know if I can get used to that."

"It's not something I want you to just get used to, but that might come with time."

"If it doesn't?"

"We'll see when we get there," Jude said. His thumb brushed along the side of Connor's hand. "What do you think? Just go on a first date with me again. Please?"

"Is it really a first date?"

"First date, remix."

Connor half-laughed. "Um. I can't convince you not to say it?"

"No."

"Can I convince you to not go overboard with it?"

Jude rested his head on his free hand, smiling at him. "What's 'overboard' to you?"

"No more than once a day."

"That's not even close to overboard!" Jude said, but he was smiling and teasing as he rolled his eyes.

He sounded like the Jude that Connor had been able to get to know and Connor wanted to trust it. People could wear masks; people could be more than one thing. Still, Connor found himself squeezing Jude's hand gently and holding on. Jude was right; Connor _had_ taken a lot of chances on this relationship. What was one more? He wasn't the scared, vulnerable kid that he had been when he had met his ex. If the Jude he knew turned out not to be who Jude truly was, Connor knew that he could call his father. He could find a way to save himself from a monster. He had never sensed a monster in Jude, but he had been naïve before.

"Also, I can't believe we're negotiating this."

Connor shrugged. "Humour me?"

"Always, baby. So, more than once."

"Twice."

"Three time's the charm."

"But, no more."

"And if I fail, I'll buy you coffee to make up for it." Jude smiled at him and picked up his hand, kissing his knuckles. "Are we okay?"

"Um. I think so. C-c-can we, um, go back to going slow again? Um. I j-j-ust want to … to be sure that things aren't going t-t-to change."

"That sounds good to me," Jude said. "Honestly. I can see the doubt on your face but it doesn't need to be there, baby. Really."

"I just need to see it."

"I'll show you," Jude said. "It'll be great."

"The confidence is nice," Connor said. "I wish I could feel that."

"Maybe that'll come with time too." Jude kissed his fingers again. "I love you."

Connor looked down at the table again. He was never going to get used to that. But he had to try. He didn't want to lose what he had with Jude. It meant a lot to him. _Jude_ meant a lot to him. And even though he didn't have it, he _wanted_ to have complete and utter faith in Jude. Relationships were compromise. If Jude felt like he had to say that and had to let his feelings known, then Connor couldn't fault him for that. He understood that.

"I feel like I should say something back to that."

"You can say whatever you want, so long as you mean it."

"I'm glad we can talk like this."

"Me too," Jude said. "Do you want to go get ice-cream after dinner?"

"We haven't really been eating," Connor said.

"So, just skip to ice-cream? We can go for a little drive?"

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "I'd like to do that."

"Then let's go."

Jude went to stand and Connor kept holding tightly to his hand.

"What is it, baby?"

"I just don't want to let go," Connor whispered.

"You don't have to," Jude said. "Come on. One hand challenge."

Connor smiled slowly and held tightly onto Jude as they gathered the remains of their dinner and walked out, still linked. He tried not to feel hope. It had been one day; he was moving too fast. Just like Jude had.

"Jude, how are we going to get into the car one-handed?"

Jude laughed. "I guess we'll figure out when we get there."

Just like they did with everything else.

But that didn't bother Connor as much as it should have.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Heavy Heart**_ **by Gabrielle Aplin. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	54. Crash And Burn

"Hi, Jude," Connor said into his phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm reading the poetry blog again. Listen to this quote, from Salvador Plascencia: _I don't know what they are called, the spaces between seconds – but I think of you always in those intervals_."

"That's sweet."

"It reminded me of you," Connor said carefully. He didn't want Jude to get too many wrong ideas.

"Then it's even sweeter. I'm just leaving for work but I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out when I was done. Maybe do that date remix? Classes start again tomorrow and I just kind of wanted to see you before that happened."

"Oh." Connor spun to the side in his desk chair and then re-centred on his desk.

"What's an 'oh'?"

"I just am kind of liking being by myself right now."

"And that's fine too," Jude said and, even though Connor was listening for it, he didn't hear anger. "I was just calling to see if you wanted to. I'm working for five hours so I can call you after, maybe see if things have changed."

"I'd like that," Connor said. "Talking is nice, anyway."

"It is," Jude agreed. "I'll talk to you later, okay, baby?"

"Okay."

"I love you."

"One."

"I _can_ count to three," Jude teased. "Bye."

"Bye."

Connor put his phone down on his desk, feeling restless. He couldn't go back to casually going through the blog, writing down things he liked in his journal. He thought it should have some nice quotes in it, after being filled with page after page of his own whining and confusing angst. He stood from his desk chair and opened his window, looking out over campus. People were dragging suitcases this way and that, trying to make their break last as long as possible.

Connor toyed with his mother's wedding rings. She would know what to tell him about Jude. She'd know how to navigate the situation he was in. If she had lived, Connor might have complete faith in love. He might have fallen in love with Jude before Jude fell in love with him. But he would never know and her jewellery – as meaningful as it was – would never have the answers that he wanted. Connor let the cool breeze sweep over him and he turned away from the window.

In order to distract himself, he spent the majority of his afternoon baking. By the time Jude called again, he had about sixty mini cupcakes sitting in front of him, waiting to be frosted. Connor crossed one arm over his chest and stared down at them.

"How was your shift?" he asked Jude.

"Steady," Jude said. "Never overwhelmed but I never felt like I could totally catch my breath. What have you been doing?"

"Baking. Chocolate and vanilla cupcakes," Connor said. He felt a war break out inside of himself. The part that wanted to trust Jude and believe that things were okay with them and the part of him that heard _I love you_ and started cowering in the corner, waiting. "D-d-d-do, um … W-w-would … I … Um, yes."

"Yes what?" Jude asked, and Connor could tell he was a little amused sounding.

Connor didn't want Jude to be laughing at him, but he also knew he was feeling slightly paranoid. He was _not_ leaving his room. But he did kind of want Jude to be with him. It had taken him a lot to let Jude into his dorm room in the first place and he didn't know whether or not it was a good idea to try again. But, then again, Connor wasn't sure he was known for making good decisions.

"Yes, I would like you to come over," Connor whispered. "If, um, you'll help me eat some cupcakes. I kn-kn-know it's not, um, much of a date, but … I would really like it. Please?"

Connor held his breath and began to rummage around in his cupboards for frosting. Or something to make frosting with.

"Sure, I can even bring coffee if you think it'll taste good with the cupcakes."

"That would be nice. Thank you." Connor opened his last cupboard but there was nothing inside but his flour. "Oh!"

"Oh, what?"

"I don't have frosting for the cupcakes, I'm sorry."

"I'll grab some of that too," Jude said. "No big deal."

"Are you sure?"

"Not a problem, baby. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"See you soon," Connor said.

"I love you."

"Two," Connor said.

"I can count!" Jude insisted. "Bye."

"Bye."

Connor hung up the phone and stared down at the cupcakes. He sighed and turned around, tucking his desk away so that he and Jude would have a place to sit. He found himself feeling jittery and he told himself, again, that he shouldn't. It was Jude. He and Dr. Scott had talked about it. He wanted to trust her when they talked about how Jude wasn't going to turn into a different person because of 'love'. He wanted to trust Jude when he said the same thing. Above all, he should be able to trust Jude at this point. Jude had done nothing but prove that he was worth that. Connor ran a hand through his shaggy hair.

It shouldn't be this hard. He should just be able to let go and let Jude love him. Maybe even love him back. Goosebumps rose on Connor's skin at the thought and he rubbed his arm.

His phone buzzed with a text from Jude, which wasn't a helpful distraction. His mind was always full of Jude. But he almost liked the way that he thought of Jude, most of the time.

 **Jude: Someone let me in the building. Be up in a sec.**

Connor had no sooner finished reading the text when a knock came on his door. He didn't know if he'd _ever_ had someone knock on his door and the sound nearly made him jump. _Paranoid_. He was too paranoid.

He opened the door and Jude held out a coffee cup for him.

"Thanks," Connor said, taking it.

"You're welcome. It smells good in here."

Connor closed his door behind Jude, flicking the lock. Jude placed the bag he was holding onto the seat of Connor's desk chair and sat on the edge of Connor's bed, kicking off his shoes.

"Do you mind if I flop?" Jude asked. "I'm tired."

"I don't mind," Connor said.

Jude stretched along Connor's bed, his head on Connor's pillow. Connor hovered next to him for a moment, watching Jude casually tuck his hands behind his head. Connor brushed his fingers along Jude's fringe of hair and Jude smiled.

"I bought, like, three different kinds of frosting," Jude said. "I was indecisive and there was a sale. I figured we could just eat the rest out of the jar with a spoon."

Connor laughed, feeling much more relaxed. He nudged Jude's feet out of the way and sat on the end of his bed, sipping at his coffee. He settled against the wall and Jude draped his feet over Connor's lap. Connor rubbed Jude's shin.

"You're quiet."

"One of those days," Connor said.

He pulled Jude's feet into his lap and slowly started massaging the bottom of one of them. Jude's toes curled and he made a small sound. Connor froze.

"Sorry. I thought you might like it."

"I do," Jude said, and he pushed himself up on his elbows. "Is this like the back massage, though? Do you feel like you have to do this? Is this a habit too?"

"No." Connor still couldn't believe that he had done that. It was just like someone had pulled a trigger inside of him, seeing a man in that position while he had been organizing the bed. It had just felt like the next logical step. "I just wanted to. I know you usually complain about your feet after work."

"Thank you, baby. That's sweet." Jude fell back on the bed. "I owe you."

"I thought the point was that we didn't owe each other for things."

Jude chuckled. "I guess there's that too. How much of a massage would you _let_ me give?" Jude asked curiously.

"I'd let you touch my feet," Connor said, switching to Jude's other foot.

"Not even an ankle? How Victorian of you."

It was Connor's turned to laugh.

"You know," Jude mused, "you're a little more relaxed than I thought you'd be."

"I think I'm actively trying not to feel it," Connor said. "For the moment, at least."

"Uh oh."

"One of those things," Connor said. "Dr. Scott said maybe I should try to process things more and understand it more from the inside before trying to explain it and put it on the outside. I, um, can't tell you about things I don't know, right?"

"Dr. Scott sounds like a smart woman," Jude said.

Connor finished with Jude's feet and smoothed his jeans back out.

"You going to come lay with me, baby?"

"No," Connor said. "I don't think I can do that while we're in a bed."

"That has to change?" Jude asked.

"I don't know what _has_ to change," Connor said, "but I know that's a line that I don't want to cross quite yet."

"That's fair." Jude popped back up on his elbows. "Am I allowed to kiss you?"

"This _is_ supposed to be a date," Connor reasoned. "But, um, only if you sit up with me."

"Fair trade," Jude decided.

He held out his hands and Connor grabbed them, pulling him up. Jude left his legs sitting heavily on Connor's lap. Though Connor placed his hand on Jude's knee, he made no move to shove Jude's legs away, even though he wondered if he should. He felt a tremble run through him, but it could be excitement more than fear. Jude's eyes were dark as he grinned at Connor.

"I love your eyes."

"Three."

"No, no, that one doesn't count," Jude said, shaking his head. "That was about your _eyes_ and you've always let me talk about your eyes."

Connor hummed and sighed. "Okay … Two and a half."

Jude laughed and he wrapped his arms around Connor in a hug. "You're wonderful, baby."

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you tell me what 'love' means to you?"

"Love is being completely comfortable with someone. It's making each other laugh and always listening to what they have to say. Being the best version of yourself that you can be because that's what they deserve. It's faith and trust –"

"Please don't say pixie dust."

"If you bring glitter into my apartment, you might actually see me mad."

"I don't like glitter either," Connor said. "I wouldn't. And, um, I never want to make you mad."

"Love is being able to feel everything and everything in front of your person and not being scared of the consequences. Even if I saw you angry, I wouldn't be _scared_ of you. I hope you're never scared of me."

"Not in the way I think you're talking about. You're unpredictable, Jude. Sometimes I don't like it."

"And other times?"

"We have romantic picnics on the beach with an orchestra in the background and it feels like a movie scene. Or like I'm living a scene from someone else's life. But, look at the date we've ended up on when I said it, compared to when you said it. I don't deserve the things you give, Jude."

"Connor, yes, you _do_ ," Jude said. "I don't know how else to tell you that, but you do. I want what we have, even with the small arguments and problems we work through."

Connor tilted his head to the side and lightly brushed his lips against Jude's. "Thank you for everything you say. It all means a lot to me."

Jude kissed his cheek. "Let's get the icing!"

They sat on the bed, legs crossed under them and frosting cupcakes. It was nice. It was simple. It was all that Connor wanted and needed his time with Jude to be.

"You excited for classes to start?" Jude asked.

"I'm not excited for new things. Will we get to have lunch on some days? When are you on campus?"

"Only Tuesdays and Thursdays," Jude said. "They're long, busy days, but I'm only going to be on campus then."

"Oh. So, I'm going to see you less?"

"Do you want to see me more?"

"I like the time that I have with you," Connor said carefully. "I like how it is. I wouldn't want that to change too much."

"Only if it gets better."

"You've said that before," Connor said.

"Do you think that makes it more true?"

"No. But I like that you're so consistent. It makes you more believable."

"I promise I'm believable. Also, I'm cute." Jude grinned up at him.

"Yeah, that I believe completely," Connor said. "When can I see you again?"

"Whenever you want. As long as it's not before four on Thursday, two to ten on Friday, some weird time on Saturday, and … No. I'm off on Sunday. Why? When did you want to see me again?"

"Well, I was thinking tomorrow is going to be hard. I was kind of hoping to use your kitchen."

"You don't need me there for that," Jude joked.

"I'd prefer it."

"My last class lets out at five. Want me to drive you over?"

"No. I think I'd rather bike. I'll meet you at your house around six?"

"Okay, sure. Whatever makes you happiest."

"You," Connor said, without thinking about it. His cheeks turned bright red and he buried his head in his hands.

"Aww, why are you hiding? That was great! I loved it!"

"Because it just slipped out! I feel like if I say something like that I should think about it a little more."

"Impulsivity never hurt anyone."

"Is that a word?" Connor asked, though he knew better.

"Don't distract from the point, baby." And Jude apparently knew better too.

"Impulsivity can _definitely_ hurt."

"Not when it's sweet like that," Jude said. "I like when you say things like that."

Connor didn't know what to say. He wanted to say things that Jude would like but he couldn't help how awkward he felt when he said things, especially now that he was trying not to encourage Jude in his feelings. Connor didn't _want_ Jude to be in love but he knew he couldn't run away from Jude and Jude's feelings. He had to stop reacting to things the wrong way.

"What do you think you're going to make tomorrow?" Jude asked, and Connor was grateful for the change in subject.

"A pie, maybe. Something fun to make but will take time and thought. Do you like apple pie?"

"Who doesn't like apple pie?" Jude said.

"I'll make that, then," Connor decided.

Jude tucked himself in Connor's arms and held on tightly to him.

"Jude, do you think when you're in love, you're always happy?"

"No," Jude said. "But I think that's the important part. Even when you're not happy, it's still worth it."

Connor had to admit, "I like the way you see things."

He just wished it were real and that he were capable of seeing the way that Jude did.

"You are nice to look at," Jude agreed idly.

The blush that never faded from Connor's cheeks deepened again. Jude laughed at Connor's expression. He pressed his lips against Connor's cheek, as if that would help anything at all. The affection only deepened his blush and sent a flurry of feeling through him. Connor tilted his head and Jude met his lips softly. It was exactly what he needed to make him feel settled. He wanted Jude's mouth against his, Jude's hand tightly clenching his own. He felt Jude's eyelashes brush his cheek as Jude closed his eyes and he wondered when he had gotten so comfortable with having Jude here. He wondered why it was so easy when the world _love_ was still sitting in his stomach like a concrete block. But it was Jude, his arms looped around Connor's waist, just like it had been for the past few months.

"Jude," Connor said when Jude looked up at him, "what do you do when love hurts?"

"Hurts how?" Jude asked. "Everything hurts sometimes. Love wouldn't hurt intentionally and wouldn't make excuses when it did hurt."

It was like Jude knew just the right things to say; it was as if he had been given all of the proper lines. His ex had been like that. Except his ex had slipped up time to time – he had forgotten what he was supposed to say and had to improvise to cover his mistakes. Jude had never done that. Perhaps because Jude wasn't a performance artist. Jude was just a genuine man.

That was a hard pill to swallow, perhaps not because of the things that it said about Jude, but because of the things that it said about his ex boyfriend.

Connor squeezed Jude's hand.

"Something wrong?" Jude asked.

"No. Just feeling mixed up. Will you just sit with me for a while?"

"Nothing would make me happier," Jude said.

He put his head back down against Connor's shoulder and Connor reached up to play with Jude's hair. Calmly sitting in the quiet was all he thought he could really do today. But he was so glad Jude was with him for it and so glad that he was able to be with someone who would be there for it. It had to mean something.

Connor just wasn't sure what yet.

(-.-)

Jude kicked his leg under his stool, watching Connor roll pie dough.

"You sure you don't want help, baby?"

"I'm sure. It defeats the purpose, actually."

Jude put his head on his hand, watching Connor's hands move. In the days since Jude had confessed his feelings, he had felt Connor pull himself away and then, moments later, give too much of himself. Jude hated watching Connor's turmoil. He wanted it to end because he wanted Connor to look at him with his gorgeous hazel eyes and tell Jude it was okay, he loved Jude too. He knew he had to stop wanting it, but it was so hard to. Jude knew he wasn't free from conflicts himself.

Jude spun his phone on the counter in front of him. "Ready to talk about classes yet?"

"No," Connor said flatly. "Today was long."

Jude agreed.

Connor started smoothing the pie crust along the bottom of the pan. "If you wanted to talk, though, I would listen."

Jude thought about it. "It was just boring, intro stuff. I guess it's really not that interesting to talk about. I – Oh, hold on a sec, baby."

His phone had started to ring. He quickly answered.

"Hey, Callie."

"Hi, Jude. How was class today?"

"Long. How was photographing?"

"Long. But, I'm being sent to your university Monday and Tuesday," Callie said. "You free?"

"Always, for you," Jude said. "If only to avoid you dragging me out of work by my ear."

"I like seeing you," Callie said defensively. "You could have gone to school closer."

"I'm barely an hour away! With traffic!" Jude said, though he laughed. "Why are they sending you here, anyway?"

He looked up as Connor turned his head, interested, and then looked away again.

"One of the sports teams is doing really well," Callie said. "They want me to come take some pictures for an article we're doing."

"What team?"

"Basketball."

"Oh, I like basketball," Jude commented, and he saw Connor turn to stare at him again.

"Since when do you care about sports?" Callie snorted.

"I don't," Jude said. "I just like to look at some of the players."

Connor's eyes widened and he made part of a face, before ducking his head and hiding his expression from Jude. Jude was amused. Connor's jealous side was something that he'd never get tired of seeing. It was tangible proof of the affection that Connor had such a hard time voicing.

"Oh, whatever, Jude," Callie said. "I'm not taking you to the photoshoot."

"What good are you as a sister?"

"See you Monday," Callie said.

"See you Monday," Jude echoed. He hung up his phone and watched Connor carefully put the top pie crust on before sliding it in the oven. Jude waited until the timer was set to say, "Something on your mind, baby?"

"No," Connor answered.

"Nothing at all?" Jude said.

"You're just mocking me now," Connor said.

"Does it bother you that I think the basketball team is cute?" Jude asked.

Connor leant on the opposite side of the counter. "No."

"No?" Was Connor actually going to try and lie to him?

"Of course there are people you are going to find attractive … More attractive. I understand that. It bothers me to hear it," Connor said. He shook his head and then said in a lower voice, "I am selfish. I like to pretend that it's just me."

Jude crooked a finger at Connor. Connor swiftly left the kitchen to stand in front of Jude, peering up at Jude from under his thick eyelashes.

"You're the most attractive man I've ever seen," Jude said, though he could see it in Connor's eyes that he didn't believe him. "You are! So attractive I couldn't even speak to you the first time I saw you."

"I know this is only about looks –"

"And the more I feel for you, the hotter you get."

"Jude –"

"Really!" Jude insisted. "If I touched you now, I think you'd burn me."

"You're too much," Connor said, but a small smile settled over his face anyway.

"I love you," Jude said.

"Two."

"That was very romantic, baby, thank you."

Jude took Connor's hand but, instead of lacing their fingers together, Connor lifted Jude's hand up to this eye-level, twisting it back and forth. "I don't see any burning, Jude."

Jude laughed and then tugged Connor close for a kiss. Connor let their lips brush together for just a moment and then he wiggled free of Jude's grip. Jude wanted to reach out, grab tightly onto him, and kiss him until he had a leg wrapped around Connor's hips, their bodies close together, his hands sliding under Connor's shirt. He didn't, though, and he let Connor flit back into the kitchen to start washing dishes.

"Would you like help with the dishes?"

"No, thank you," Connor said. "I like this part too."

Jude slid back onto his stool. "Whatever you say, baby."

"Will you play some music?"

"Sure," Jude said, and he searched through his phone, looking for something fun.

He wondered if he could get Connor to sing, perhaps even dance. Jude doubted it. Connor was far from that kind of mood, but he let the music play, leaning on his arm and watching his boyfriend, just in case. There was no dancing, but Connor did keep glancing at him, a smile on his face each time, and that image was worth more than anything else.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Crash And Burn**_ **by Lifehouse. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	55. Love Is Your Name

Jude put his hands on his hips, balancing on the edge of a bench while Callie snapped a photo of him. The moment she started lowering the camera, he let himself tip forward and landed on the sidewalk next to her. She was checking the picture on the screen and tilted it toward him.

"I like it," she said.

"I need a cape, then I'll like it."

"I'll photoshop one in," Callie promised.

"Thanks," Jude said. "Do you still like your camera?"

Callie ran her thumb lovingly over the back of the camera. "I still can't believe you guys did this for me."

"You needed it," Jude said. "We're all proud of you, Callie."

She made a small face at his affection before grinning. Jude took the camera out of her hands and snapped a picture of her.

"Hey!"

Jude snapped another one. "You can't spend all of your time behind the camera!"

"Yes, I can! And, you have a ton of photos of me."

"Not from today," Jude said. "You've been taking pictures of me all day."

"I've only been with you for, like, two hours."

Jude took another picture. "I could get my own art exhibit with these."

Callie's eyebrows skyrocketed.

"I'd call it Sister: A Portrait of Annoyance." Jude took a picture of her expression after that too. "It'd be relatable to anyone with a sister. I'd make millions."

"Not off me you won't."

Jude squinted at her. "You're right, I should probably use Mariana."

"Because she's prettier than I am or because she's more annoying?"

There was absolutely no right way to answer that. Either way, Callie would get upset and, either way, word would get back to Mariana, and she would end up upset too. They were a solid unit, and Jude knew he'd have to step carefully to avoid falling in the hole he'd dug.

"You're equal?"

His flunked attempt at diplomacy only earnt him one of Callie's scorching looks and then she took her camera back. Jude shrugged and followed her. He'd met her near his school's football field and they'd promptly gone to get a late lunch. He was now following her about the streets. He was constantly watching her pause to take photos and it was fascinating the things that she chose. Although, he could do without the endless amount of posing by flower pots. Callie had asked him to do it the first time as a joke, but now, Jude just thought she was doing it because she could see how weird he found it. Jude was glad that there was no way either Taylor or Connor would be around tonight. He didn't know how he'd explain to either – particularly Taylor – why he was half inside of a closed café's potted tree.

"Come on, Jude," Callie said. "My memory card's almost full."

'You don't have another one?" Jude asked, although they started back toward where they had left Gerald.

"Yeah, but I'm not doing anything but taking photos of weird paint chips," Callie said. "Hardly important. I'll probably delete most of them."

"How un-sentimental of you," Jude said wryly.

"You want to get sentimental about my feet and a crack on the sidewalk?" Callie asked, flicking through pictures on the camera before showing it to Jude. "Because that's all this is."

"It might be important someday."

"How?" Callie asked with a snort. "To _who_?"

"There could be some clue to a crime happening in the background and we might not realize it's relevant until years later."

Callie stared down at the camera again. "Jude, it's _just_ a sidewalk."

"Okay, okay, delete it," Jude conceded.

They reached Gerald and Jude opened the passenger door for Callie. Instead of taking a seat, she stopped and stared at him.

"Since when do you open car doors for me?"

"Uh …" Jude tapped the top of the door. "It's just habit now."

Callie didn't say anything, but she didn't have to. She just sat into the passenger seat and reached out, shutting the door herself. Jude's cheeks were hot with embarrassment, though it wasn't really that bad. He still felt awkward as he sat behind the wheel, imagining how Taylor would ridicule him if it had been her instead of Callie. Jude pulled out of the parking space.

"So, is the reporter you came here with going back home tonight?"

"Mark," Callie said. "And, yes. He has places to be tomorrow but I don't, so I just told them I needed today to get shots of the team and then tomorrow, I just needed to get some pictures of campus itself. I just wanted to spend some time with you."

"Christmas _just_ happened, you know."

"I know, but I also know what it's like when you're in the middle of the semester. We never hear from you."

"Moms do."

" _I'm_ not Moms."

"I'll do better."

"You say that every semester, Jude."

"Soon, I'll have to get a real job, just like you."

Callie took a picture of him driving. "My newspaper is thinking about an intern photographer. You could come hang out with me for a real job."

Jude shook his head and laughed. "That doesn't seem like the job I want."

"Any idea what the job you want is yet?"

"No. Sometimes I think I should work with foster kids, you know, like we were. But that's a lot more school and I don't think that's what I _want_ to do. I just feel like I should."

"Do what makes you happiest," Callie said. "Even if you end up in a tiny, cold apartment eating ramen while your grad-student sister shrieks in her room and only eats marshmallows for a week because they don't offend her."

"Mariana's having fun."

"I mean, that was a couple months ago, but it's not out of the norm for her," Callie said. "I'll be so glad when she's done with it."

"Isn't she talking about a doctorate?"

"Yeah, and she'll probably do it, too. You know how Mariana is when she's determined."

"Terrifying?"

Callie laughed. "Yeah, exactly that."

Jude signalled onto another road, but he didn't turn the car to head back to his apartment. "What do you want to do with the rest of today?"

"I don't know," Callie said. "You want to just drive for a little bit?"

"Sure," Jude agreed. "Let's just drive."

It didn't have to be about the destination, did it?

(-.-)

Connor watched the clock tick down the last minute of the class. It was one of his larger lectures and one of his more boring ones. The professor was an old man who didn't really feel the compulsion to make himself heard to the large room, keeping the mic pinned to a place on his jacket that was too far away from his mouth. It was particularly problematic for Connor, who couldn't make himself sit anywhere but at the back of the room. He supposed he would get through it. He always had lots of time to study; he would have to pay a lot of attention to this class's textbook. The professor finally dismissed them and Connor took his time packing up his bag and waiting for the majority of the crowd to begin to thin.

He finished closing the zipper and then he looked up, only to see someone he knew.

"Jake? Hi."

"Hey!" Jake said, cutting through the crowd to approach Connor. "How was your break?"

"Busy," Connor said.

"Same," Jake said. "Do you have class?"

Connor shook his head. "I'm done for the day."

"I have an hour until my next class. Want to go grab a coffee?"

"Um, okay," Connor said.

For the briefest moment, he felt an impulse of _let me call Jude first_ , like he absolutely had to ask permission to go have coffee with a friend. A friend that Jude knew he had. He knew what would happen if he did call. Jude would tell him that, of course he could go have fun and that Connor hadn't need to call at all. The only thing that would end up happening was that Connor would end up feeling bad because he hadn't realized his own independence and guilt because he had interrupted Jude's time with Callie – something that Connor knew Jude didn't get enough of. He squashed the feelings inside of him, hoping he didn't look shaky as he walked out of the classroom at Jake's side.

"H-how's Amy?" Connor asked.

"She's great. She's working today, so I guess she's not as great as she could be. But she really likes her co-workers, so I don't see her ever looking for a new job." Jake shrugged. "She says I should get a job there, 'cause I've been looking, but I don't think I should work with my girlfriend. I don't think I'd love her as much."

Connor adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "You'd love her less?"

It was a forward question and it bothered him that he had asked at all, but Jake seemed unbothered.

"Eh, maybe not the right words. I'd definitely still love her. I just don't think we'd be able to work in the same place, especially a fast food restaurant. I've worked them before and they make me a horrible person. Actually," Jake mused, "I think she'd end up liking _me_ less."

Connor held the door of the coffee shop open for Jude. Like, love, more, less. An innocent conversation was sending his head spinning; he should really learn not to overthink things the way that he always tended to do. After they ordered, Jake switched to talking about what they had done over the holidays. Jake was feeling particularly chatty today, though Connor thought anyone could be called chatty when compared to himself, and Connor was happy to let him do most of the talking.

"It was just your average break," Jake said. "Honestly, every Christmas feels the same to me, you know?"

Connor nodded, though he wasn't completely sure he felt the same.

Jake checked the time on his phone. "I almost have to go. And I haven't even heard about your break!"

"Oh, it's okay," Connor said. "We'll talk again."

He was surprised at how confident he was in that.

Jake grinned. "For sure. Hey, you should come sit with my friend and I next week in class? We're down in the second row to the prof's left. He's blind as a bat so we have to sit close enough to see Roth's nose hairs."

That made Connor smile and he was almost sad that he had to shake his head. He would like to sit in class with a friend. "I have to sit at the back."

"Why?"

"I, um, don't like people behind me, especially people I don't know."

Jake paused. "You've seen some things, haven't you?"

Connor shrugged, trying to play it off.

"Well, maybe next time Alex can come to coffee with us. I think you'd like him. He's a bit of a nerd."

"I'd like to meet him," Connor said, though is heart gave an extra thud inside of his chest. He knew that he would have to talk to Jude about that before it happened, but he knew he'd see Jude again before he had to deal with it. He wouldn't have to interrupt anything at all.

"Great! See you Wednesday, Connor!"

"See you."

Jake packed up his things and Connor sat alone at the table for a moment, his empty hot chocolate cup still held firmly between his two hands. Connor thought he might be content to just sit. There were a few people around, but not too many. Watching the baristas work, hearing people talk, and taking in the music playing softly from the speakers was borderline relaxing. Connor rarely felt this good in public, particularly when alone. Then, class change began and Connor saw crowds begin to amass outside and he knew he had to go. Connor knew his limits by now.

He snuck out the side door and took the long path back to his dorm. Part of him just wanted to walk, the other part of him just wanted to avoid people. He was still exhausted from the crowds of people in New York. He walked quickly, feeling the textbooks he'd bought shifting in his bag. He had some reading to do when he got back and he started thirsting after the quiet warmth of his room, a cup of tea and his books open on his desk.

It was the most idyllic thing that he could think of and Connor wanted nothing more.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Love Is Your Name**_ **by Steven Tyler. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	56. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Connor adjusted the curtain on Jude's door window, looking out at the dark night. It was still and quiet but looking at it made him feel paranoid. He closed the curtain completely as if that would help protect him from the outside world somehow. He turned around and Jude was in the kitchen, finishing packing the dirty dinner dishes into the dishwasher. Connor shuffled to the couch; Jude didn't need help. He didn't want it. He'd said so. Connor made himself sit in his usual spot and he stared down at his pyjama pants. He was supposed to spend the night with Jude and he knew what his boyfriend expected. He expected they would sleep in the bed together, just as they had been, but Connor didn't know if he could do that. That too had changed with Jude's confession. And Connor wasn't sure how much Jude would like or accept that part.

"Want a drink or anything?" Jude called.

"No, but would you mind bringing my bag over?"

"Journal time?" Jude asked.

"Yeah." It pleased Connor that Jude knew that. It felt nice to have parts of their relationship be about _him_. When it came to being with his ex, it had been all about his ex.

Jude put Connor's bag on the couch next to him. "Can I ask what you're going to write about this time?"

"You, probably," Connor said honestly. "I write a lot about you."

"Good things, I hope."

"I could hardly write anything bad about you."

"You don't seem to think highly of how quickly I fall in love."

"No," Connor agreed, pulling his journal and pen out of the bag, "but I'd call it a minor flaw, everything else considered."

"Aww, aren't you sweet?"

Connor could tell he was being sarcastic, but decided to not say anything. He settled his book on the arm of the chair and flipped to the page he'd left off at. He lowered his pen to paper and as he tried to get out a few lines, at the very least, about his day, Jude put his head in Connor's lap. Connor froze for a moment, watching his head. Jude wasn't up to anything bad, though. He was just channel surfing. Connor felt bad for his thoughts. Nothing with Jude had changed. Nothing but him. Jude had been in love with him for months and he hadn't noticed. Connor turned back to his journal and wrote about the logic of it all and then he tried to write down his feelings. He still felt a confused, jumbled mess when he thought about Jude's feelings. He just wanted to figure out where he stood. If he hated it enough to leave or if he trusted Jude enough to see if Jude's love was different from his ex's love. Connor stared at that last thought for a long time and then he looked down at Jude's head.

Jude was already different. Jude had already made him different. Connor closed his book. His decision had already been made, hadn't it? Jude turned his head to look up at Connor and that was when Connor slid his hands under Jude's shoulder, pulling him up. Jude followed Connor's hands until his legs were resting in Connor's lap, his head against Connor's shoulder.

"What's up, baby?" Jude asked, his breath tickling Connor's neck.

Connor tightened his arms around Jude. "I'm sorry."

"You haven't done anything wrong."

"I guess I just feel bad about how back and forth I've been. I don't think it's fair to do this to you."

"I think, in hindsight, that it was unfair of me to spring my feelings on you the way I did. We don't get everything right," Jude said. "And I don't think the way you've been treating me is unfair. You've been through some stuff, Connor, and you have to deal with your past and your present. It's hard to balance, isn't it?"

Connor nodded and then slowly said, "I think I am starting to realize that I would like to be the person you need. The person that could love you back and be with you like a normal boyfriend would."

"Who defines normal anyway?"

"What's normal for the spider is chaos for the fly," Connor quoted. "That was on the poetry blog."

"So, what you're saying is _we_ are normal for us," Jude said. "It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. That's definitely not something that you should feel bad for."

"I feel bad in general, I think."

"Don't," Jude murmured. "You don't have to. You're acting the best you can. I knew that things would change when I said it. _I_ underestimated how much. I just hope you realize that it's a good thing, even if you never think it's as good a thing as I think it is. It's okay, baby."

Connor reverently touched Jude. There was no way that someone like Jude would choose to be around someone like him. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do!" Jude insisted passionately, sitting up straighter. "Connor, you're such a good, thoughtful person. You deserve someone who cares about you and wants to take care of you. I want you to believe that so badly."

Connor's heart hurt. He wanted Jude to be different so badly. He didn't know what he would do if he were proven wrong and if Jude ended up like his ex after all. But Connor couldn't even fathom that thought. Connor leant his head toward Jude and Jude kissed him softly.

"Tell me you'll try to believe me," Jude begged.

"I'll try," Connor whispered. "Please don't be mad when I fail."

"I'd never be mad at you for that," Jude said.

Connor held Jude tightly to him. When had he ever felt this peaceful with his ex? When had his ex ever supported him like Jude did? Connor glanced at his journal. Objectively, it was so obvious that Jude was _better_. He was younger, poorer, far less successful than Connor's ex had been, but what did that matter when Jude was so much more compassionate, kind, and forgiving? Yet, it felt wrong to Connor to compare the two. Connor still felt as if it were a slight or a betrayal against his ex. He had heard so many times that his ex was the one for him, he had believed it for too long, and the strength of his ex's memory still surprised him sometimes.

"Jude, falling in love isn't a decision." Connor took a breath and added a shaky, "right?"

"Right," Jude said. "Not that I'd choose to fall in love with anyone else."

Hearing him say it still made Connor's stomach clench. "That wasn't what I meant."

"Then, what did you mean?" Jude asked. "You have to tell me things, baby. You stay inside your head a lot."

Connor reached a hand up, playing with Jude's hair. Jude relaxed into his hand, looking content, even with the conversation subject. "I'm confused, again. Between then and now. I've been talking to Dr. Scott about my feelings a lot. I think I might have loved him but I think that a lot of what I felt for him was something like necessity. I just didn't know how to be without him. Or it was obsession. I know it wasn't healthy love. Or the right kind of love. I never had a choice with him. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, it looked like I did, but I really didn't. I want to have a choice. I felt like I did with you, sometimes, at least. I feel like when you, um, said _that_ , you took my choices away again. Love just always ends badly. There's nothing good associated with it in my head."

"What about your mom?" Jude whispered.

"I, um, some good, but still bad. There's still grief and pain and the hurt that she's gone now." Connor shook his head. "I don't want to talk about her, right now."

"Sure," Jude agreed.

"I wish that was different and that I was." Connor rested his head on top of Jude's. "You're the different thing in my life."

"I know," Jude said. "I think you've said something like that before."

"Probably." His thoughts turned over in his head, tumbling around, but never leaving or resolving themselves. "I guess I just … if I could choose it, love, I mean. Um, if I could choose to love someone, I can't imagine choosing anyone but you."

Connor went to look at Jude's expression, but he never got a chance to. Jude surrounded him in a tight hug and an endless kiss. Connor closed his eyes, his fingers sliding through the short strands of Jude's hair. Jude's legs slid against Connor's lap and Connor's other hand held tight to Jude's side. Something filled Connor, something strange and warm that flooded through his veins. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt it so encompassing, though he'd felt something similar before, with Jude, when they were close and borderline breathless and kissing like this. Jude reached up one hand, grabbing Connor's and holding tightly to him. His legs moved across Connor's lap again, and it wasn't until Jude had moved that Connor realized Jude was now straddling his thighs.

Jude leant away from Connor, looking down at him. "Is this okay?"

Connor trailed his hand from Jude's hair, down the side of his cheek, to his shoulder, down his chest. He veered diagonally to go down Jude's side and his hip, then he placed his hand flat against the top of Jude's thigh. Was this okay? He was overwhelmed. He had emotional feelings and physical feelings and he wasn't completely sure he knew what he wanted from either. But he was starting to like the physical things with Jude. He was starting to see something like this as separate from what had happened with his ex. It was Jude. Just Jude.

Just Jude was wonderful.

"Don't hurt me," Connor begged.

"Never," Jude promised.

Connor almost believed him and he tilted his head, searching for another kiss from Jude. Their noses bumped and their teeth scraped slightly. Jude laughed in the middle of kissing him, but Connor didn't feel self-conscious about it at all. He kept one hand on Jude's slightly bony hip and Jude kept inching closer and closer into the fold of Connor's body, and Connor was finding it harder to keep from thinking about sex, even though he told himself just to think about how Jude's lips moved and how his chest heaved, touching Connor's. But the thoughts still strayed across his mind. How it would feel to pop the buttons on Jude's jeans and slide his shirt over his head.

He thought of the dream again, and that was when he put both hands on Jude's chest, pushing him away.

"Too much," Connor panted. "It's too much."

"Okay," Jude said, and then he was off of Connor's lap, sitting on the opposite side of the couch. Connor had his space back. "That's okay."

"Maybe we should go to bed," Connor said. "Today has felt long."

It had just been a Friday, but it was the first full week of classes. It had felt long. And Connor had been kept in suspense about meeting Alex, Jake's friend, but Alex had come down with strep throat, and Connor was going to have to stay anxious about that until Wednesday, at least.

"Okay, let's go. Do you want to build your pillow wall or put your PJs on first?"

"I was thinking I should sleep on the couch," Connor said, biting his lip and watching Jude's face. Jude looked disappointed.

"Oh, I guess I get that," Jude said. "Was it because of the kissing or did you always intend to?"

"I was thinking that I should," Connor admitted. "I think that I just need to realize that I can trust you all over again."

"I understand."

"You do?"

"Sure," Jude said. "I just hope that it takes a little less time to relearn it."

Connor blinked slowly. "It took a lot less time than I thought it would to learn to trust you in the first place. Sometimes I feel like I should hold everything back and then sometimes I feel like I should just let most things go."

"Most things," Jude murmured, but it was to himself. "You can trust me, baby."

"I believe that more than disbelieve it," Connor said. "That's mostly just because you keep letting me figure it out, even though I make a lot of mistakes."

"That's how worth it you are to me," Jude said, and the honesty made Connor feel uncomfortable.

"We should go to bed," Connor said.

"It's not like we're doing anything tomorrow," Jude said.

"You work."

"Not important." Jude waved his hand dismissively and a smile tugged at Connor's lips. "It's just a short shift."

"Six to eleven," Connor said. He remembered. "You get weird hours, you know?"

Jude shrugged. "I know. But that's the problem with a twenty-four-hour place and the hours people want to work. I try to be flexible, so I get to fill the weird spaces like that. I don't mind, as long as I get to keep the hours that I need."

"I'll wake up with you," Connor said.

"Thanks, baby. Are you going to stay or are you going to head home?"

"I … think I'd like to stay," Connor said. "I think."

"Okay. If you don't, will you stop by work and tell me?"

Connor nodded.

"One more kiss before bed?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded again and leant across the couch to softly press his lips against Jude's, and then they got ready for bed. Connor put the lamp on, not wanting to stay in the dark, and then he settled down on the couch, his head on a pillow that smelt of Jude. "Goodnight, baby. I love you."

 _Three_ trembled on the edge of Connor's lips. He pushed himself up on his elbows, looking at Jude who was peeking out from the curtains around his bed. Jude could count. Jude knew he was at three. "You mean a lot to me, Jude."

Jude's face seemed to light up with his brilliant smile. Connor felt his heart lift at Jude's expression. Seeing Jude happy just made him feel happy too.

"Goodnight, baby."

"Goodnight, Jude."

Connor laid down against the pillow again, pulling the blanket up around his shoulders. It was always slightly chilly in Jude's apartment, and Connor liked the feeling of being tucked in. He closed his eyes, realized he wasn't comfortable, and then flipped over on the couch. But that wasn't it at all. Connor turned again. He didn't like sleeping on his stomach and he didn't like sleeping with his back to the open room. But he just wasn't comfortable. He flipped the end he was lying on, thinking that might help. But it wasn't. Moving quietly, as Jude needed his sleep, Connor checked the time on his cell phone. Though he felt like he'd been fidgeting for only minutes, more than an hour had passed. He could feel the exhaustion weighing on his eyelids but he just couldn't get comfortable. He sat up and looked around the room. Was it too bright? He didn't think so. He was often able to sleep in bright places – preferred it, even, to the darkness. He looked around and everything was how it had been left. Nothing had changed. Nothing was different.

Connor's gaze lingered on Jude's bed and he bit his lip, torn. He didn't want to become complacent with the way things had been and he knew that some separation, even just to the couch, would probably be good for him in the long run. Except, it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't _want_ the couch. His stomach turned. He also couldn't wake Jude. Perhaps … perhaps he could make it to his side of the bed without bothering Jude. Jude wouldn't mind if he woke up and Connor were there. Jude seemed to like sharing his space with Connor.

Connor held his breath for the briefest moment and then he put his feet on the floor. He would just peek in the curtains and see how Jude was laying. If there was space for Connor, he would take it as a sign. He crept across the floor and peeked in the end of the curtains. Definitely enough space. Connor glanced over his shoulder, thinking he should turn the light out, and the he heard Jude groan.

"Baby, is there something wrong?"

"Um. I-I-I, um … I forgot how uncomfortable the couch is," Connor whispered.

Jude chuckled sleepily. "C'mere, baby."

Connor pushed the curtains open more and climbed onto the end of the bed, pausing to shut them how he liked. He then crawled to his spot on the bed. Already, he felt sleep trying to take him.

"I'd like to build a pillow wall," Connor added.

"Sure," Jude said. "Whatever you need."

Connor decided not to read too much into it for the night and built a long wall. It was as much separation as they needed tonight. He settled himself against the mattress and tucked blankets in around him. Under the pillows, he and Jude linked hands. Finally, Connor's eyes closed and he was able to fall asleep, just like that. Just like he was supposed to be here.

(-.-)

Connor woke up when Jude's first alarm went off. Jude made a grumpy noise and slammed his hand down on top of his phone. Connor half-jumped; Jude, with his alarm clock, was the most violent Connor had ever seen him be. Jude stretched and whined, turning onto his stomach and peeking at Connor.

"I hate early mornings."

"I know," Connor said. He pushed the pillow wall down and reached toward Jude, who promptly put himself in Connor's arms. "I've heard that before."

"It's worth saying again."

Connor laughed softly. "How did you sleep?"

"Better when you joined me." Despite his hatred of waking up early, Jude could be good at waking up quickly. There was mischief in his dark eyes when he smiled up at Connor. "Was the couch really that uncomfortable?"

"That's my story."

Jude kissed Connor's knuckles gently. Connor was caught up in watching Jude's long eyelashes as he blinked, feeling the rise and fall of his chest with the hand Jude wasn't holding. He smiled, just watching Jude. He felt happy; he felt at peace. He felt like he normally did with Jude and he wondered if it was what moving on felt like. He didn't know what it was like to leave the past behind; he'd never done it before. He couldn't deny that he'd done a lot of moving forward but it didn't equal moving on. Jude turned his head into Connor's chest and Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Jude.

No fear.

He never trembled as he reached his hand to cup Jude's jaw, tilting his head toward him. Connor kissed him, lying amongst the pillows, warm under the blankets, daylight not even touching them yet. Jude let out a small gasp against Connor's lips.

"What?" Connor asked, worried he had done something wrong.

"I thought you weren't going to kiss me in bed."

"I'm safe with you," Connor said with conviction. It was all that he needed to know. He was safe with Jude.

"Completely," Jude said. His eyes half-drifted shut again, and then they shot open. He covered his mouth with his hand. "Now I have to worry about morning breath!"

That made Connor laugh too. Jude's second alarm went off and he rolled, being much nicer to it this time around. He groaned and ducked his head under the blankets. Connor heard a muffled complaint of "only five more minutes!"

Under the blankets, Connor found Jude's body again. He just wanted to hold him. Jude squirmed around in his arms and then half of Jude's face peeked out from under the comforter. "Do I have bad morning breath?"

"No," Connor said. "Not really."

"Then why haven't you kissed me again?"

Jude was watching him carefully and it almost made Connor more nervous. He leant in toward Jude, his heart hammering in his chest. He hesitated for a moment, his nose touching Jude's. He didn't feel fear; he knew what he wanted and he knew that it was okay to want it. He pressed his lips to Jude's, kissing him. Happiness flooded him and Connor smiled, ruining the kiss. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor's waist and that was when his final alarm went off. Jude groaned.

"No. I can't go to work," he whined, his pout endearing.

"You have too."

"I can't leave this bed now," Jude said. "Not when you're here like this."

"You're blaming me?"

Jude grinned at him, easing whatever traces of anxiety had managed to bloom in Connor. "You _did_ kiss me first, remember? _Jude, what would you say if I asked you to kiss me_?"

"I don't sound like that!" Connor said. "Also, I said 'hypothetically, what would you say if I said I wanted to kiss you'?"

"That's how it started anyway," Jude said, and the he made a face. "I have to get up."

Connor nodded. "I'll start your coffee."

"Thanks, baby. Will you be right here when I get back?"

"Right here?" Connor repeated. "You don't want me to make you breakfast for when you get home?"

"Breakfast in bed," Jude said. "Sounds good to me."

"You want to eat in bed?"

"Breakfast then bed?" Jude amended, finally sitting up.

"I like that plan," Connor said.

"It's a plan." Jude reached over and squeezed Connor's hand before finally getting out of bed.

Connor pushed the last of the pillow wall away and went into the kitchen, looking at the clock. Jude had lingered in bed too long. He wasn't going to be able to drink his coffee in the kitchen with Connor as he normally did; the small deviation in routine made him more upset than it should. He got the coffee maker started and began going through Jude's cupboard to find a travel mug. He also put together a morning snack of grapes and cheese. He didn't want Jude going to work and being hungry until he came home. He had everything ready for Jude when he came out of the bathroom, his work shirt baggy on him.

He handed Jude his coffee and was surprised when Jude frowned. "Something wrong?"

"Where'd you find this mug?"

"It was in your cupboard," Connor said. It was just a plan blue, tall, plastic travel mug. Was he not supposed to touch it?

Jude shrugged. "I didn't know I had it. Thanks, baby."

"You're welcome," Connor said. "Don't be late for work, okay?"

Jude nodded. "I won't be."

Connor kissed him goodbye in the kitchen and then walked him to the door so he could lock the door behind Jude. Jude kissed him again before leaving.

"I love you, baby," Jude said.

"I-I'll see you soon," Connor replied, feeling a small wave of nausea.

Connor managed to wave back at Jude and then he closed and locked the door. He rested his back against the wall for a moment, looking at the kitchen. He would probably have to go grocery shopping for breakfast, after he figured out what he wanted to make for breakfast. He looked through Jude's cupboards to see what he had and then he went to get dressed for the day. He'd intended to spend his time sorting through recipes in his mind, but, instead, he found himself just thinking about the morning. About being in bed with Jude, kissing him amongst the warm blankets. Connor felt _happy_. He felt like this was where he _should_ be and that things were looking up. He was still wary of Jude's love and he knew that there were always going to be lines that Connor wouldn't be able to bring himself to cross, but he also had to think about why he should let that get in his way.

It was time to try moving forward completely. He felt something jump in his chest that he thought was excitement and he tried not to linger on the fact that he could just as easily relapse. He should enjoy the good things while he had them because there was no way to know if they would always be there. Connor pulled his shirt over his head and looked at himself in the mirror, exhaling. It was time to be better; he felt the inner need to be better.

And he was going to make a quiche for breakfast.

(-.-)

There was only five minutes left on the oven timer when Connor heard Jude's key turn in the front door. He quickly wiped his hands on the drying towel and left the remaining two or three dishes in the sink to meet Jude near the door. He quickly took stock of Jude's face. There were the slightly dark circles that seemed ever-present, a smile toying at the corner of his lips, and expectations bright on his face. Connor swallowed, but he didn't know if it was just his usual nerves or something more akin to fear. At least he knew what to do when it came to Jude's expectations.

He stood up on his toes and pressed a kiss to Jude's mouth. "Was it an okay shift?"

"I'm happier to be back here." Jude's arm snaked around Connor's waist, holding him tightly. "What did you make us?"

"A bacon and cheese quiche," Connor said.

"It smells great."

"Save judgement until you taste it."

"It's always good," Jude said, but Connor could tell that his boyfriend's mind wasn't really on breakfast.

He kissed Jude again. Jude's hands felt strong against his back, pulling him closer and closer to his taller boyfriend. Connor stood on his toes, throwing both of his arms around Jude's neck. If Jude wanted him close, he could be close. And Connor didn't dislike being close to Jude. He even _liked_ it, instead of just tolerating it, and that scared him a little. Especially when he thought of how Jude loved him. Connor had liked being physical before this but now the same old concern started creeping in. What if he was only acting this way because he thought he should? Because he knew what someone who was in love with him wanted him to do?

No. That couldn't be true.

Connor pushed himself against Jude again, as if to prove it to himself. Jude's hands slid down his back and Connor whined. It was too low. He didn't even have to push himself away to voice that feeling; Jude's hands slid back up, one against his side, one high up his back. Jude's mouth was strong and overwhelming, but Connor couldn't stop kissing him back, even after he felt a strange, coiling feeling in the pit of his stomach. One of Connor's hands slid over Jude's shoulder, down his chest, to find the bottom of Jude's t-shirt. Connor's hand slipped under, his cool fingers against Jude's heated skin. Jude's arms tightened on him and Connor found himself being pulled, until Jude hit the bed and pulled Connor down on top of him. Connor toppled down, all of his weight falling onto Jude. Jude didn't seem to care.

One of Jude's legs hitched up over Connor's hip. Connor put one hand to the outside of Jude's thigh, thinking about whether or not he wanted to pull Jude closer or push his leg down when the oven timer beeped. Connor got his hands on the bed and pushed himself upward.

" _Connor_ ," Jude murmured, sounding annoyed.

Connor hesitated and the oven beeped again. He didn't particularly want to get up either.

"Stay in bed." Jude's brown eyes were wide and convincing – not that Connor needed much of it.

"Just let me turn the oven off."

It was the quickest trip to the kitchen Connor thought he'd ever taken; he couldn't remember ever wanting to be in bed next to someone quite so badly. His hands were shaking as he hit the off button on the oven and opened the door slightly. Connor walked slowly back to Jude's bed. When he was close to it, he paused, looking at Jude. Jude had turned himself around, so his head was on a pillow. He had one leg bent upward and his hands were behind his head. Connor's gaze swept from Jude's brown hair, flopped over his forehead, and down across his belly, watching the even heave of his breath, and even further, to the tent in Jude's jeans. Connor was suddenly nervous, even though he knew that nothing was going to happen. It was only a bed; it was only a kiss. It was only just what they were doing and that hadn't been bad.

Connor took a seat on the edge of the mattress.

"What's on your mind, baby?" Jude smiled at him and it was such a comforting expression.

"We're not going to have sex," Connor said.

"No," Jude agreed automatically. "Why?"

"I didn't want you to get the wrong idea," Connor said, "and I wanted to get the wrong idea out of my head."

"It's just what we want," Jude said, "and what we're comfortable with. And I'm really comfortable with kissing you."

Connor trailed his hand along the outside of Jude's leg, making almost all of the way up to his hip. His heart started beating quickly in his chest when he thought of Jude's bare leg and then thought further to all of Jude's bare skin. His mind had wandered a little too far before but things were different now. At least, he hoped so. Connor bit his lip and watched Jude.

"Can I kiss you again?" Jude asked.

Connor held out his hands and Jude took them. Connor pulled him into a sitting position. Jude leant forward and rubbed his nose against Connor's. It was simple and sweet. Two words that summed up Jude to him and it was the opposite of everything that Connor had known for the past five years. One of Jude's hands rested on the top of Connor's thigh and Connor's heart skipped. He didn't think it was the bad way, but Connor didn't know what to think anymore. He knew part of him was confused but there was another part of him that liked what was happening and wanted more of it.

"Jude?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm just a little worried about, um, feeling trapped. Or, um, what if you do something I don't like and I don't know how to say it? What do I do?"

"I won't be upset if you need to push me away," Jude said, "or stand up and go sit on the couch. You're allowed to want your space. I know that's not easy for you to do, though. So, I guess, I would just like you try and talk to me. But there's no wrong way for you to react if I'm making you uncomfortable."

Connor tried to keep from making a face. Jude was being Jude, the same as he always was, but Connor wished that one of them, at least, had more answers than they did.

"Maybe you can try and tell me now what you don't want," Jude suggested. "I know you don't want my hands near your head and you don't want me behind you. You don't like the thought of me taking anything off you, even if it is just your button-up. It's a bed, so you probably don't want me to be on top of you because that was too much the first time it happened. Anything else?"

Connor made a face. He had a few thoughts crossing his mind but none that he was sure he wanted to admit to, even when it came to himself. He wasn't always sure of how to say things aloud to Jude. Connor pressed his lips gently to Jude's. It wasn't the frenzied kissing that his body had developed a taste for but he kept himself from pushing, at least for the moment. He gave himself a moment or two to take in what he was feeling. His hand slid to the hem of Jude's shirt and then he pulled back to look at Jude's eyes. He thought about the dreams he'd been having, he thought of how Jude always treated him, and he thought of his own personal curiousity.

"Can I try something?" he asked and Jude nodded. Connor wasn't surprised that he had.

Connor rolled so that his torso was over Jude's and Jude was slightly underneath of him. It would have panicked him, if the situations had been reversed. Jude trusted him and he could do his best to trust Jude in return. Jude gave him everything he had and Connor could do all he could to return the immense favour. Connor slid both hands against Jude's sides, underneath of his shirt. His skin was soft and warm; Jude was always something so real to hang onto. He slid forward slightly and he could feel Jude's hip against his own. That was something that he couldn't keep his body from reacting to and in a way that he was sure Jude would notice. He hoped Jude didn't say anything, though he doubted Jude would. He certainly never had before and Connor knew that it had happened before. Connor brought one hand to the top of Jude's chest, his fingernails ever so gently sliding across Jude's skin. Jude let out a whimpering moan that Connor wasn't expecting and he sucked in a breath.

"Connor," Jude said, but the moment Connor heard Jude's voice, he blurted, "I think I want to take your shirt off."

Jude pushed himself up on his elbow suddenly and Connor rocked backward, his legs underneath of him so that he was crouching on his knees. Connor bit his lip at the confused expression on Jude's face. He had done something wrong, but he wasn't sure what it was. He thought that this was what Jude would have wanted him to say. Jude had taken an enormous leap with _'I love you_ ' and Connor thought this was the most logical next step. It was something he had thought about before, but he knew that it wasn't time, then. Whatever time Connor had been trying to keep to had been thrown out the window. He thought he'd be able to get his feet under him with the physical acts, knowing that Jude wanted it and knowing that he was curious, at the very least. But if Jude was pushing him away on that too, then Connor truly was lost.

"Why?" Jude asked, and Connor was dumbfounded by the question.

"I-I-I just, um, want to?" he said, in the most unconvincing manner he could possibly have managed.

Jude sat up all the way. "What happened to the boy I met who moved at a snail's pace?"

Connor shrugged helplessly. He didn't know. He didn't intend to do things with Jude. He acted, he reacted. He – sometimes impulsively – ended up doing things that he thought of wanting, even if he had only wanted them for a split second. Other times, he continued on with the things that Jude did, because he found, afterward, that they weren't so bad after all and he wanted to do it again. Like kissing in bed. Connor still had his boundaries. Things like sex chilled his bones and he knew that if Jude so much as grazed his hands any lower than the places on his waist that Jude was already allowed to touch, Connor would probably shut down. But that would be skipping steps. Maybe if Connor went bit by bit, step by step, then things wouldn't be so bad when he came out on the other side.

He just knew that, with Jude, he wanted to try.

The thought scared him, because Connor couldn't remember ever wanting to try before. Since leaving his ex, but before meeting Jude, Connor never thought he would meet anyone that he wanted to be with in a relationship way again. He bit his lip and quietly whispered all of that to Jude, as best as he could. Connor watched Jude's face stay confused.

"What is it?" Connor asked.

"You confuse me."

That, Connor had assumed. "Why?"

"Well, you say that you want to try things – in order, whatever that order is to you – and then you say you'll _never_ fall in love and _never_ want to have sex. Not that you have to. But, how do you justify saying 'never' when you look at how far you've come since we met? And I know you like kissing me, sleeping next to me, and everything else."

"I don't like that you say you love me," Connor protested. "I just decided that if it was so important for you to say it, I would rather you have that. And if I decided not to accept it, I just knew we'd end up breaking up. Being with you, and having you be with me, is what's important to me, Jude."

"Is this just because you think I want this?"

"This what?"

"The nakedness."

"You won't be naked," Connor said, and then he frowned. "I guess that would come next."

"It doesn't have to," Jude said.

"No, I guess not."

"What if it does?" Jude asked.

"We can talk about it then?"

"Why put it off? Why not talk about it now?"

Because Connor didn't have answers now. Connor didn't know what he was supposed to say or what he wanted to say. He just knew that the thought of seeing Jude totally naked made him feel sick on the inside. He couldn't know what it would be like, but he couldn't stop thinking of how much his ex boyfriend had hurt him. Suddenly, he felt like he had pushed himself too far. He had felt good and had tried to ride that high instead of doing the reasonable thing. He bolted from Jude's bed and quickly realized that he didn't know where to go. He couldn't run out the door; he couldn't go sit calmly on the couch. He quick-stepped to the kitchen. It was the only room where he routinely felt any sort of confidence.

"Baby," Jude called, and the bed creaked as he rocked himself out of it.

Connor couldn't bring himself to look up at Jude, even though he knew that his boyfriend was approaching. He had left a few small dishes in the sink, intending them for the dishwasher, but he grabbed Jude's dish soap and filled up one side of the sink. Jude's footsteps brought him all the way into the kitchen. Connor waited for him to speak but, instead, Jude picked up a drying cloth. It didn't take them long to quietly get the dishes done and put away.

"I don't want to push you," Jude said, once he was sitting up on the counter and Connor was letting the water drain out of the sink. "I guess I just want to understand."

"We both want that." Connor turned to look at Jude. "There are very few things that I feel really sure of, Jude, that's why it's so hard to tell you things. I just end up feeling things sometimes when I'm with you. Just with you. Everything else, you're right, I'd know exactly what I was going to do going into it. I would make a plan. I can't plan with you. Either you surprise me or I end up surprising me. I know for sure that I want to be with you. I know for sure that saying 'love' or having sex scares me. It scares me to the point where if you looked at me and said that I needed to do those to stay with you, I think that I would leave, because I have an opportunity to leave here that I didn't have before."

"Sex and love are two things that you'll say 'never' too?" Jude said. "Even with the steps you were talking about earlier?"

Connor jerked his head in a nod and then asked, "Why?"

"I just wanted to make sure that I understand completely," Jude said. "I'm never going to ask you for those things, baby. I know they're a big deal for you."

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

"Yes."

"Then, how can you possibly be okay with not having sex?"

"Because it's not the most important thing in a relationship," Jude said. "Clearly, you don't need sex to have a good relationship because I'd call what we have a good relationship. Wouldn't you?"

Connor washed the last of the soap bubbles down the sink and finally stopped distracting himself. He placed his hands on Jude's knees, his palms sliding upward as he stepped closer. "Yes. This is a good relationship. Best I've ever had or dreamt of. Because you're better than any man I could have dreamt of."

"Tell me you like me," Jude requested.

"I like you. A lot. You're so important to me, Jude."

Connor had completely stepped into Jude's embrace. His hands were cupping Jude's hips, their noses were touching, and Connor could feel the heat of Jude's thighs, pressing against his own. Behind him, he could feel the open space of the kitchen. He could back away if he needed to, but he didn't want to. His lips inched closer to Jude's and he could feel sliding across the counter in order to get closer to him and Connor didn't mind it. He was half a second away from kissing Jude when Jude went, _"shit_."

Jude's legs tightened around him as he slipped off the counter. Connor moved quickly and grabbed at Jude, managing to catch him before he fell painfully down the cupboards and onto the hard floor.

"Shit," Jude repeated, and Connor was surprised to hear him swear. "You can pick me up?"

"You're not that heavy."

"Liar!" Jude said, and he ran his fingers over Connor's bicep. "You're just that strong."

Connor shrugged best he could. "At least the gym's good for something."

"I'm just really impressed."

Connor started to blush. His hands were locked underneath of Jude, uncomfortably close to areas that he would rather avoid. Jude's legs were also tightly around his waist, in a way that was making part of him panic and a different part of him grow heated. He bit his lip, because he also felt like showing off slightly for Jude. He made sure that he had a secure grip on his boyfriend and then he carried him out of the kitchen. Jude laughed brightly as Connor put him on the back of the couch.

"That was great!" Jude exclaimed, and then he laughed again.

Connor kissed him lightly. "Are you hungry? The quiche is getting cold."

"Going to carry me to my chair?"

"No, I have to get plates," Connor said.

"Do you want me to eat breakfast shirtless?" Jude asked, joking and happy still.

Connor whined slightly. "Can we just forget that I asked? At least for now. Until I can answer your question on _why_ I wanted to see you shirtless."

Jude smiled. "Sure, baby. But, just for now."

Connor kissed him again and then, in a bolt of confidence, picked Jude up and carried him to his chair. Jude laughed again and Connor was free to smile too.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot**_ **by Brand New (reader recommended) . If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	57. Take A Chance On Me

Jude held up his sandwich with one hand and called Taylor back with the other. He glanced at the half-open door of his work's break room and inched over to close it. Taylor had called him three times since he'd been at work, so whatever she had to say might be said in such a high, shrieking tone that it would disturb the rest of his small store.

Finally, Taylor picked up. Instead of exploding with her usual dramatic vigor, she was sniffling loudly.

"Are you crying?" Jude asked. "Is everything okay?"

"I screwed up," she slurred.

"Are you drunk?" Jude double checked the time. "Taylor, it's ten a.m."

"I screwed up," she repeated and then burst out into sobs.

"What happened?" Jude asked. "It can't be that bad. It'll be okay."

"Liar!" she wailed. "Daria kicked me out! She and Thomas broke up! It's all my fault. She hates me. What do I do?"

"She kicked you out?" Jude repeated. "Where are you now?"

"In a bar," Taylor said. "My mom's on her way to get me. I don't know how to tell her about what happened. She's going ask. I don't know what to tell myself about it. I just made such a stupid mistake!"

"We can fix it," Jude assured her. "Daria just needs time to calm down. It can't be that big of a deal. But you have to stop drinking right now, okay? I think you've had enough."

"They cut me off," Taylor admitted. "They gave me water. I'm just waiting for Mom."

"What can I do?" Jude asked.

"Come home," Taylor said. "I want to see you."

"Sure," Jude said. "I'll come home tonight. I can stay with you tomorrow, but I work on Sunday and I have to be back for that."

"Okay," she agreed quietly. "I just need to know I still have a friend."

"Daria is still your friend," Jude said firmly. "She just needs time. This is a big deal and you know that. She'll come around."

"Please be right," Taylor whimpered.

"I am, I promise."

Taylor sighed and then there was a soft thud from her side of the phone, as if she'd hit it against her cheek. He heard her say in a sad voice, "Hi, Mom."

"Taylor, honey, what is it?"

Taylor sniffed and then turned her attention back to Jude. "See you tonight?"

"Absolutely," Jude said. "Early this afternoon. I'll leave right after work. I'm not going to leave you alone, Taylor."

"Thanks, Jude. I love you, you know?"

"I love you too," Jude said. "Bye."

"Bye," she whimpered.

Jude hung up and then he hung his head. He didn't know what to think or what to do. Taylor's lies had been her own undoing, but he wasn't going to blame her for what happened. She didn't need that right now, not with Daria reacting the way she had. Not that Jude could say he blamed her either. He looked at his uneaten sandwich and realized that he just didn't feel hungry anymore. He slid it back inside of its plastic bag and then realized he had plans to cancel, and picked his phone back up.

(-.-)

"I'm really sorry, Connor."

"No, I understand," Connor said, loitering outside of the café he was supposed to be meeting Jake at. "Taylor needs you this weekend. I can go alone or we can reschedule."

"Maybe Jake or Alex might want to go with you," Jude suggested.

Connor eyed the door of the café again. "I haven't even met Alex yet. I might not like him. And Jake said he was a 'nerd'."

"Well, I'd call you a nerd, baby, but that doesn't mean you don't like the batting cages."

"You'd call me a nerd?"

Jude laughed. "Don't sound like such a wounded puppy, baby, it makes me feel terrible."

"You shouldn't feel _terrible_ ," Connor stressed. "A nerd?"

"Not in a bad way! But, you know, you like books and studying. I saw you get excited about pens the other day."

"They were really nice pens!" Connor said. "But, um, I guess I see your point. Maybe that's why Jake thinks he and I will get along."

"I do hope you and he become friends. I think it'd be nice."

"We'll see in a few minutes," Connor murmured. "So, um, I should head inside."

"Okay. I might text you a little tonight but I think Taylor's going to just need me. I'll definitely call you in the morning, though."

"Jude?"

"Mhm?"

"Will, um, you at least tell me you got to your Moms okay?"

"Of course."

"I think I might ask Jake if he wants to go with me. If you're sure it's okay with you."

"Spend time with your friends, baby," Jude said. "It'll never not be okay with me."

"Thanks, Jude."

"I love you."

"I –" Connor bit down on his tongue. He had become even more unsettled about that since he had last been in Jude's bed, thinking about stripping his shirt from his body. "One."

"Okay," Jude said, and he chuckled, but it didn't sound like a genuine laugh to Connor's ears. "Have a good day, baby. Good luck with Jake."

"Have a good rest of shift," Connor said. "Good luck with Taylor."

"Thanks," Jude said, and then he sighed. "I think I'm going to need it. Anyway, bye, Connor."

"Bye, Jude."

Connor hung up his phone and then took a deep breath. At the least, the café wasn't crowded. That was going to make things a lot easier. He slipped in the front door, but Jake and Alex weren't here yet. He got a drink from the barista and then sat at a four-seater table in the corner. He could see the entire café, but he was protecting by walls on two sides, and that always made him feel better. He had only gotten to take one sip of his hot chocolate when Jake walked in, followed by a man that was roughly of Jake's average height and weight, but with light blond hair.

Jake lifted his hand in greeting. "Did you order already?"

Connor nodded. Should he have waited?

"Cool," Jake said. "Need anything else?"

Connor shook his head. He cupped his warm drink until Jake and Alex had joined him. Both, thankfully, sat on the other side of the table, and it was Jake that sat across from him. He was able to relax even further into his chair back. This was going to be fine.

"Hey, I'm Alex." He spoke with a thick English accent.

"Hi, I'm Connor."

Connor briefly shook Alex's hand over the table. His grip was loose, as if he weren't really trying at all. Connor wasn't sure what to do with that assessment and he let his hand float back down to the table.

"Are you feeling better?" Connor asked Alex.

"Much, thanks," Alex said. "And how are you, mate?"

"I'm all right, thanks," Connor said. "And how are you, Jake? And Amy?"

"Amy's feeling over-worked," Jake said. "So, I'm going to surprise her for spring break. I'm booking time off work for her and we're getting plane tickets to go to Miami."

"It's an expensive surprise," Connor said. "I'm sure she'll love it."

Alex waved his hand dismissively. "Jake's one of those rich kids that you _want_ to be."

"Shut up," Jake said. "That doesn't matter."

"You're taking your girlfriend to Miami. I think it matters."

"You do what you can for people you love," Jake said. "It just so happens I can do this."

Connor picked up his hot chocolate and sipped at it slowly. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? That was the trouble when he was with two people that knew each other better than he knew either of them. He had felt it when he was with Jake and Amy too; he wished he had Jude with him. It would make things slightly more even. Or, he wished that he had another friend that he could introduce Jake too, but he didn't. He bit down on the inside of his lip.

"What do you think you'll do in Miami?" Connor asked quietly.

"I'd like to spend most of it on a boat," Jake said, "but I'm not sure. I'm just getting us there. It's Amy's trip. I'll let her figure it out when we get there."

"That's sickeningly sweet," Alex said with a scoff. He eyed Connor. "You got your own cute relationship?"

Connor glanced down at the table and then nodded, the thought making him happy. So much of his last relationship had been secretive. Now, he was free to share. There was no part of Jude that he would ever think of hiding. Jude had said _proud_ once, when he spoke of them being together. And the longer that he was with Jude, the more that he felt the same way about his boyfriend.

"You?" Connor asked.

Alex shook his head. "I don't get it. I don't want one. Never have."

"At least you have what you want," Connor said, and Alex laughed so loudly that it startled him.

"I like that," Alex said, laughing again. "It's true."

The conversation slowly turned toward the class, and Connor was nearly delighted to find that he and Alex seemed to like to study in the same way. It was a small thing but studying was a large part of Connor's life. He was, as Jude had put it, excited to find someone who was as excited about pens as he was. Alex wasn't as conversational as Jake was and Connor ended up glancing toward Jake a lot when the conversation had lulled. He wondered what he and Alex would end up talking about, on the off chance they were ever left alone, and by the time they had finished their drinks, Connor hoped they never would be alone. Most of the conversation had been built of Jake's and Alex's banter. Connor had liked listening to it, but he didn't find that he had much to contribute.

"All right, I should go," Alex said, checking his phone. "Nice to meet you, Connor. We should do this after class sometime."

"Sure," Connor said. "I'd like that."

"See you, Jake." Alex briefly clapped his hand against Jake's shoulder and then he was gone.

Connor watched him until he was out of the store and then looked back to Jake.

"I should head out in the next ten minutes or so," Jake said.

"Oh, that's … cool," Connor said. He had been about to say 'fine', but then realized that might sound too much like permission. He wasn't anyone to give permission to anyone at all. "Um, are you busy tomorrow?"

"During the night," Jake said, "but I'm free during the day. What's up?"

"Well, I was, um, just wondering if you would want to go to the batting cages? With me," Connor tacked on quickly, as if Jake could think otherwise.

"Sure," Jake said. "That'd be fun. I did my share of t-ball back when. Though I played more golf than anything else."

"Oh, I've never really played golf," Connor said. His ex had, a lot. It seemed he had a lot of meetings with other lawyers that took place on the golf course.

"Then, it's a deal," Jake said. "This time, I play baseball with you. Next time, you play golf with me. Amy and I love to play together. I can bring her and you can bring Jude if you think he'd like it."

Connor had no idea if Jude would enjoy actually playing golf or not, but he had no doubts that Jude would go with him if he asked.

"Um, we'll see how work schedules go," Connor said carefully.

"Ah, that's a plan. I'll meet you around one?"

"That works," Connor said, although it was far later than he was hoping to go.

"Nano dorms, right? I'll pick you up."

"Oh, sure!" Connor agreed quickly. Too quickly. He was going to have to get into a car alone with Jake? He was sure he could do it. It wasn't as if Jake were out to hurt him after all. If Jake had wanted to hurt him, he already had plenty of opportunities to and he hadn't yet. "Um, nano dorms."

"I remember," Jake said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you," Connor said, and then Jake was gone.

Connor took his time taking his cup to the trash. He was halfway back to his dorm when Jude messaged him that he had made it back to Stef's and Lena's safe. Connor sent off one more text to Jude and then he walked into his room, to spend the evening alone. He felt as if he had a good day and he was ready to sit down at his desk and open his books. When he got to his room, he made a quick decision to throw open his window and let a soft breeze roll through.

He felt good.

(-.-)

Jude slowly descended into Taylor's basement, feeling her mother's concerned touch still burning on the side of his shoulder. Before he even hit the bottom stair, he heard her crying, and he felt his heart drop. He rushed down the last few steps and landed on the couch next to her. Desperately, Taylor wrapped her arms around his neck, her tears soaking his shirt.

"It's okay, Taylor," Jude said, though it was hard to be assuring when she looked so utterly broken.

"I've ruined everything!"

The smell of alcohol was still so strong on her breath that Jude thought she had to have been drinking since her mother picked her up in whatever bar she had been in.

"Not everything," Jude said. "You've still got me."

"Always, right?" Taylor sniffed.

"Always," Jude promised her. "And you'll have Daria again, too. I know that."

Taylor wailed harder. Out of habit, Jude took the blanket from the back of her couch and wrapped it tightly around her shoulders. She hugged onto him and Jude just held her, breathing in the fruity scent of her vanilla body spray. She'd be okay, he knew. She was tough, but so was Daria, and therein was the problem.

They'd all be friends again. It was something Jude was positively sure of.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Take A Chance On Me**_ **by JLS. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	58. You Save Me

**Two chapters tonight because it's the birthday of someone super special! So, make sure you didn't accidentally skip chapter 57 before moving on to chapter 58!**

 **~TLL~**

"It went really, really great, Dad," Connor said, trying to focus on the conversation while sending a text to Jude. "Jake and I are definitely friends. He was fun at the batting cages. He's not bad. Better, um, better than Jude, actually."

 **Connor: how was work?**

"Well, nothing wrong with that. It can be fun to have a little competition."

"It didn't feel like competition," Connor said. "That's what I liked. It just felt like friends."

"And that's a good thing too," Adam said happily. "I'm glad you had a good time. And that it went well with Alex."

"I liked him," Connor said carefully. "But I think I like him more in a group than I would individually."

"And there's nothing wrong with that," Adam said. "It's good that you tried, at the very least. And it's nice to know people, even if they're not close friends. You never know when you might need one another."

He checked his messages, but Jude hadn't replied yet, which was unusual for him. Jude was always quick to reply to Connor, even if it was just to explain that he was too busy

"Well, I think I'll end up having coffee with him and Jake again. Perhaps we might even study together, when a test is coming up. I think that would be nice."

"If someone else doesn't suggest it, then you should," Adam said. "It can't hurt anything."

It _could_. It might leave him humiliated and rejected, with Jake and Alex staring at him like there was something so seriously wrong with him that they could never speak again. He couldn't say that to Adam, though, and he mumbled something that sounded like it could have been an agreement. "I guess we'll see."

Adam seemed satisfied with that response. "What are you doing tonight?"

"I'm not sure. Jude mentioned it might be nice if I came over once he was done work, but if it doesn't happen, I've got some reading that I can get a start on. What are you doing?"

"Well," Adam said, "nothing tonight. Although, tomorrow evening, I have a date."

He sounded so awkward about it that Connor almost laughed aloud, as if that would make it any better. "Oh, that's good. Do you like her?"

"Well, that would be the point of the date," Adam said. "Her name is Rachel. She's an accountant that's my age. We're going to dinner tomorrow."

"I'm glad you told me," Connor said, though it definitely felt strange to have his father sharing such details. "I hope you have a good time tomorrow."

"Perhaps on Wednesday, I'll get to tell you about my date, for once," Adam said.

"I'd like that," Connor said. "It would make things seem fairer."

"Fair, right," Adam agreed. "I'll let you get on with your night, okay? Call me if you need anything."

"I will, Dad, thanks."

"I love you."

"You too," Connor said, his stomach churning. He had been ignoring the words, coming from Adam's mouth. It was a natural thing for a father to say to a son. Now, all mentions of the word _love_ made him go rigid, no matter how often he talked to Dr. Scott about it and they tried to talk through it. He was still hoping for a breakthrough, not just on this, but on a lot of things, and it hadn't happened at all yet.

Adam hung up the phone. The moment he did, a text from Jude came in.

 **Jude: Sorry, baby. I'm not feeling good. I don't want you to get sick too.**

 **Connor: are you sure you don't need anything? I can bring something over**

Jude took his time answering again. When he came back, his text read: **No, I've definitely got the flu or something. I'm just going to sleep on the bathroom floor**

 **Connor: don't forget your fluids**

 **Jude: I have water. Don't worry**

 **Connor: I will. Can I call you tomorrow, after class?**

 **Jude: Please.**

 **Connor: And you can call me if you need anything.**

 **Jude: Thanks. I love you baby.**

 **Connor: Two. Feel better soon.**

Connor put his phone down on the side of his desk, cracking open his textbook. He had already gotten everything ready for Monday, but there would be no harm in getting ready for Tuesday, although Jude's hardest day was his easiest, and there wasn't much to be done for Tuesday either. Connor checked the clock. Well, there was no reason that he couldn't start on Wednesdays readings too. He settled in at his desk, happy for the quiet night after his eventful day outside with Jake, even though he was worried about Jude being sick.

Everything would be fine by tomorrow.

(-.-)

"I think I stopped throwing up at, like, ten this morning," Jude murmured into the phone. "I've mostly just been sleeping."

"Do you think you feel better, at least?" Connor asked, carefully pouring water into a cactus pot.

"Maybe. I don't know, at this point."

"Have you eaten?"

"No. Scared to."

"Let me come over," Connor said. "I'll make you chicken soup."

"I don't want you to get sick too. You're sweet for offering."

"Jude, I would really like to just help you," Connor said. "I won't kiss your or let you breathe on me or anything."

"I won't stop you if it's what you want," Jude said. "Just don't feel like you have to."

"I don't. Feel like I have to, that is. I really would like to."

"Okay. Then, I'd like to see you, soon. Thank you, baby."

"It'll be about an hour," Connor said. "See you."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Connor hung up and moved quickly about his room and heading down to his bike. He didn't want to leave Jude, sick and alone. He knew what it was like to try and nurse himself through the flu and it wasn't something that he really wished upon anyone. It was hard and gross. He rushed through the grocery store. Chicken soup was simple, particularly when someone was making it for a sick person who wouldn't want a lot of flavours and spices. He was soon locking his bike to Jude's deck and using his key to unlock Jude's door.

He opened it slowly to find Jude on the couch, wrapped tightly in the plaid blanket. He was fast asleep, his forehead covered in a sheen of sweat. There was an empty glass of water on the coffee table in front of him. The whole apartment smelt of sickness and it felt closed in, something Jude's apartment hadn't felt like in a long time to him. Connor shut the door behind him and, though he locked it, Connor turned around and opened the window, letting what little breeze there was outside come in. He went over to the small window and opened that too. Jude barely stirred and Connor decided to start the soup. There was absolutely no point in bothering Jude now. He deserved his sleep. Connor started the soup on the stove and refilled the water glass in front of Jude. The clinking of the glass on wood caused his eyes to flutter.

"Sorry," Connor whispered. "I didn't want to bother you. How do you feel?"

"Gross. My throat hurts."

He sounded sick and raspy and Connor felt even worse for waking him.

"I've got soup started," Connor said, "if you think you'll be able to eat it."

"I don't know," Jude murmured. "It feels like I haven't eaten anything in years."

"It's been a while," Connor agreed, and he pressed his hand to Jude's forehead. Jude was warm, but he didn't feel feverish. He decided that was a good sign, though his lack of medical experience made him unsure if that were true or not. "Do you want to try crackers or toast first?"

Jude shook his head. "I don't want to try anything."

"Okay. We'll see how you feel when the soup's done." Jude shifted and the smell of dried sweat wafted up from between the blankets. "Should you try showering or changing your clothes? That might help you feel a little better too."

"Maybe," Jude agreed.

"You can sit on the floor of the tub," Connor said.

"Going to run me a bubble bath like I'm a little kid?"

"If you want me to. I'm here to take care of you. Do you want a bath instead?"

"Would you?" Jude asked.

"Of course."

"Really warm water, please," Jude said.

"Of course," Connor repeated. "Try and drink some more water, okay?"

Jude nodded, but he just cocooned himself more deeply in the blanket instead of reaching for the water. Connor stopped in the kitchen to stir the soup a little bit and then he went to the bathroom, filling the tub with water that he thought was slightly too warm. He hoped it was exactly what Jude wanted. Before bothering his dozing boyfriend, Connor fetched clean pyjamas from Jude's dresser and left them folded neatly on the bathroom counter. It would have been too overstepping of his boundaries, were it not for the fact that Jude was sick. That made all the difference.

Jude floundered his way to the bathroom. He didn't close the door all the way behind him. Connor kept his back to the door as he heard the soft splashes of Jude getting into the tub. He went back to stirring the soup, adding a few things to it. It would have to sit and simmer for a while longer before it was able to eat. He started to fold the plaid blanket and then inspected Jude's actual bed. Clearly, he'd spent the night tossing and turning there too. Connor stripped the bed down and made two separate piles of blankets: blankets that should be washed and blankets that didn't have to be washed. He was just taking the pillow cases off of Jude's many pillows when he heard the sloshing of the tub and then he heard dry heaving. Bile flooded Connor's mouth at the sound.

"Jude?" he called. "Are you okay?"

Jude groaned.

Connor put down the pillow and took a few steps across from the wooden floors. What if he was naked? What if he had ended up in trouble? "Jude?"

"You can come in," Jude said. "I'm … not naked."

Connor pushed the door all the way open. Jude wasn't nude, but he wasn't fully clothed either. The clean shirt that Connor had gotten for him was on the floor by his feet; the clean pyjama pants were pulled haphazardly over his legs, too high up on one hip and too low down on the other. He was bent over the toilet, but he was just coughing feebly.

"Oh, Jude."

"I don't feel good."

"I know. Do you think you're going to throw up again?"

Jude finally looked up and shook his head. "I didn't even throw up that time. It just _hurts_. Everything hurts."

Connor picked up the shirt and crouched down in front of his boyfriend. "You're going to get cold in here. Come on, put this on and I'll take help you back out to the couch."

Jude took the shirt, his hands shaking. "You're just overwhelmed by my hot body."

Connor laughed lightly. He hadn't even thought to look, but as Jude pulled his shirt over his head, Connor watched his muscles stretch. He was unscarred, his belly rounded, with dark beauty marks speckling his skin. Connor looked away as Jude pooled the shirt down across his rounded stomach. He didn't want Jude to realize that he'd been looking, though it was exactly what Jude had teased him about doing.

"I don't like feeling like a kid," Jude said, as Connor helped him to his feet.

"I know how you feel."

"I'm sleepy."

"I know. I'm going to put you back on the couch. I'm washing your sheets and then I'm going to make your bed."

"You're the best boyfriend in the whole world," Jude said.

"And you sound really tired," Connor said. "Try and go back to sleep."

He got a clean blanket and tucked it in around Jude. Jude rolled it around himself, staring at the glass of water on the table in front of him.

"Do you need anything else?"

"My head hurts."

"Dehydration."

"Lack of caffeine."

"That too," Connor agreed, "but drinking coffee won't help you at all now."

"No," Jude agreed, though he sounded upset about it.

"I'll find you a straw," Connor said. "That way drinking won't be so hard."

Connor found the straws in Jude's cutlery drawer and added a light blue one to Jude's drink. Jude did his best to smile at him, and then he curled up as best as he could. He looked too small on the couch and Connor ran his fingers through Jude's damp hair.

"Did the bath sort of help?"

"Sort of," Jude agreed. "I love you, baby."

"Go to sleep, okay? I'll wash your sheets and then you can try going to sleep."

"I don't want you to leave," Jude said.

"I didn't say anything about leaving. You just focus on getting better." He slid his fingers through Jude's hair again and Jude reached up his hand and wrapped it loosely around Connor's wrist. "I will be here when you wake up."

A small smile crossed Jude's face and he snuggled into the comforter. Connor got his hands free and went to wash them before beginning to sort through Jude's blankets for the laundry. It was going to be a long night.

(-.-)

Jude woke with a headache, fuzzy teeth, and a sore stomach. It was like the worst hangover he'd ever had, but doubled. It had been a short flu, but an intense flu. He sat up in his bed slowly, letting the layers of blankets fall off him. The world wobbled for a moment but everything fell into place. His muscles were so sore it was almost hard for him to reach over and push his curtains back. The room was already sunny and bright, and that had to have something to do with how much he hurt. He must have been sleeping for at least ten hours. He picked up the half-full glass of water that was on his bedside table and drank it all in one go. It hit his empty stomach and he groaned. It hadn't felt good in the way that he'd wanted it to.

Jude stumbled out of bed. When his feet hit the floor, he realized that Connor was still sleeping on his couch. Jude felt his heart go warm; he hadn't thought Connor would stay. He reached out and gently grazed the bottom of Connor's sock foot, but Connor bolted awake.

"Jude? Are you feeling okay?" he asked quickly, before he even cleared the sleep from his eyes.

"Much," Jude said. "I didn't think you'd still be here. I thought you'd go home."

"You asked me to stay," Connor said. "And I wanted to."

"Thanks. That means a lot."

Connor smiled at him and then reached up, touching his hand to Jude's forehead. "You look better. Are you feeling a little hungry?"

" _Yes_."

Connor laughed. "We'll start with toast, okay?"

"And coffee."

"That's probably not the best idea."

"Can't hurt to try."

"I guess not."

"And," Jude added, "you can have a cup this way too."

"I'm starting to like it," Connor admitted as he stood from the couch. He fixed the blankets. "Here, sit."

"I'm a little sick, not a lot broken," Jude said, but he sunk to the couch cushion anyway. Every so often, it was nice to feel taken care of.

"Just for today, let me baby you," Connor said.

"Just for today," Jude agreed.

He liked it, but he didn't know if he could do it every day. It felt so unfair, and Jude liked to feel that there was some sort of fairness to their relationship. He turned on the couch so that he could peek over the shoulder of the couch, watching Connor start the coffee maker and put bread in the heated oven. Simple, domestic actions, that left Jude happy. Happy that Connor was here, with him, looking content.

"Baby, I have a question for you."

"Sure," Connor said, leaning against the kitchen doorway.

"Scale of one to ten," Jude started, and Connor nodded. "How happy would you say you are right now?"

"Umm." Connor took a moment, and Jude was happy that Connor was taking his time to really think about his answer. "Eight."

"That's pretty good."

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "Do you want to just go with one piece of toast or would you like to try two?"

"Best to play it's safe. It's not hard to make another one, right?"

"Right," Connor agreed.

The smell of coffee started to fill the apartment. The acid in it slightly turned Jude's stomach, but his brain perked up at the smell. He doubted that he'd even be able to finish one cup, but he wanted to try it. Even the slightest bit might help his raging headache. Connor brought over a small plate with toast several slices of toast. He had just put it on the coffee table when he said.

"Oh!"

"Oh?" Jude said.

"Um. You never eat here. I guess I should have, um, I guess I should have known you don't eat here."

"It's fine, we can eat here. Not a big deal."

"Okay. I'll get the coffee."

Jude waited for him to come back to pick up the piece of toast that belonged to him. Connor put down the coffee mug and a jar of jam for himself. Jude nibbled slowly at his toast, trying to take sips of his coffee as best as he could. It was a slow breakfast, but a good breakfast. Connor found a channel that was playing cartoons. They were bordering on a little too childish and Jude hadn't heard of any of the characters, but there was something about it that added charm to the morning. The breakfast dishes were left in the corner of the coffee table and Jude laid back down on the couch, this time, his head on Connor's thigh. Connor tucked the plaid blanket tightly in around him and Jude sighed happily.

"Do you feel sick?" Connor asked. "Or do you still feel okay?"

"I still feel okay," Jude said. He closed his eyes as he felt Connor's fingers in his hair. "Baby, don't you have to go to class?"

"No," Connor said. "It's one day. I decided that it would be better for me to be here."

"I love you," Jude said.

Connor's fingers stilled in his hair. Breathily, he said, "One."

Jude supposed he should be used to that by now, but he could admit that it still stung. He wanted Connor to end up saying something else to that, like the sweet response that Connor had once said. Now, it was just numbers.

"Connor, I have a question for you," Jude said, and he shifted on to his back so he could look up at his boyfriend.

"Still an eight," Connor said.

"No," Jude said with a chuckle. "I just wanted to talk to you about Valentine's Day."

"It's still, like, two weeks away," Connor said.

"I know. But if we wanted to do something, we shouldn't leave it to the last minute. It's Valentine's Day. Everyone will be doing something."

Connor didn't look at him, instead, he directed his gaze to directly above the TV. He sighed for a moment and then his fingers resumed playing with Jude's hair. "Why do we have to do anything? Why can't it just be a day?"

"We've been together for a couple of months. It's Valentine's Day. That means something to me. We should do _something_. What is Valentine's Day usually like for you?"

Connor looked back at him, a series of small expressions flickering across his face so quickly that Jude didn't understand what he was thinking. "It doesn't matter. I wouldn't want it to be the same at all."

"I just want to do something," Jude said. "It doesn't have to be huge. We can go out for dinner and go to a movie. A real theatre, this time, not the one on campus."

"Not out for dinner," Connor blurted. "Too much. And it's too busy. It's … I mean, dinner just doesn't sound like a good idea."

"What if we had dinner here and then went to a movie? Then we can come back here again?"

"Okay," Connor agreed. "I guess, um, that wouldn't be so bad."

"It's not going to be scary, baby. It's Valentine's Day. It's all pink and fluffy with hearts."

Connor cleared a few strands of hair from Jude's forehead. "I'm really not good with the romance part of this, am I?"

"No," Jude said. He wasn't about to lie to Connor about that. "I don't mind. You're sweet. And I know you care about me."

"I hope you know that. You mean a lot to me."

"You know what," Jude said, "for Valentine's Day. One of us should make dinner and the other should make dessert."

Connor nodded. "What do you want?"

"I'll make you dinner, since I don't usually. If you wouldn't hate making dessert."

"I wouldn't hate it," Connor said. "I don't usually make a lot of desserts."

"Sounds good."

Connor's fingers brushed his forehead again before tangling in his hair. "Um, people usually give gifts on Valentine's Day. Is there anything you would like?"

"Don't feel like you have to, baby."

"I think people go too over the top of Valentine's Day," Connor said. "I just think you should care consistently about people. You shouldn't have to prove your love on one day."

Jude grinned. "I love that. I think you're right. I'm still going to be helpless on Valentine's Day."

"I'll find a mushy card for you," Connor said, "if it'll make you smile."

"I love you," Jude whispered. "And it would make me smile. That and a box of chocolates."

"I think your smile is one of my top ten favourite things in the world," Connor whispered, and Jude found himself grinning like a madman. He pressed his face into the side of Connor's muscled thigh and pulled the plaid blanket up to cover his face. He didn't think it was a particularly cute smile that he was currently wearing, but Connor coaxed him back out of the blanket, and it felt like something that Jude often did for Connor instead. "I meant that."

"I know. Is there anything you'd like for Valentine's Day?"

"Umm," Connor said, and then he shook his head. There was a touch of pink to his cheeks.

"Baby, come on, you can tell me."

"Flowers, maybe," Connor finally said. "Red ones? You don't have to."

"It's why I asked. Red roses or?"

"Anything red," Connor murmured. "They don't have to be the same flower. I just kind of like red flowers."

"Your wish is my command," Jude said. "I wish I could kiss you, but I don't want to make you sick."

"You'll be better soon," Connor said. "You seem a lot better today."

"I feel better today," Jude said. "The toast didn't make me feel sick."

"Did the coffee?"

Jude shrugged. "A little. But I didn't want to not drink it."

"Do you want more toast?"

"Not yet," Jude said. He carefully turned on his to face the TV and settled in.

Connor bent down and kissed Jude's cheek.

"If you get sick, I'll come take care of you," Jude promised.

"I'll be fine," Connor said. "Rest now, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed. "Thanks for everything, baby."

"It's what boyfriends are for, right?"

"Mhm," Jude murmured.

He hadn't meant to sleep again, but he was so warm and safe and _happy_ inside of Connor's arms that, when his eyes began to drift shut, he didn't fight it. Before he settled into his dreams, Connor gently kissed his temple again, and Jude fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **You Save Me**_ **by Kenny Chesney. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	59. Alibis

"I don't know, Jude," Callie said.

" _Please?"_ Jude said. He wished they were in person instead of over the phone. He knew that he could make Callie cave with a look but, over the phone, especially about something that was important to her, was a little bit harder.

"You won't even tell me the whole story."

"Taylor's going through a really difficult time. I'm not going to betray her too by telling you the whole story. Daria kicked her out of the apartment. She hasn't gone to class in a week. She's living at home again. She's been drinking every day –"

"Which is the part that actually worries me!" Callie interrupted. "This is my job. My life. My office. I don't want to give this internship – to someone who's not really interested in photography at all – just for her to get drunk and make a fool out of me."

"Just … give her a week," Jude said. "Don't even call it the internship right away. I just think that she needs some direction in her life. She needs something more. I can't watch her fail like this but she's too proud to take help like this from _me_. You like Taylor."

"Of course I like Taylor," Callie said. "That's not the question. And what makes you think she'll take the offer from me? She's going to know you did this."

"Yeah, but it might let her pretend if you're the one to seriously ask. Tell her you want a trial run, to see if you can teach someone, that you heard she was home, and that it might be better to do it with someone you already know."

"Like that doesn't sound really fake." Callie sighed. "I'm doing this as a favour to _you_ , okay? You owe me big time if I do this."

"Thank you, Callie."

"Tell me you love me, Jude."

"I love you, Callie."

"I'll talk to my boss this week and make sure it's all right. Then, I'll see if I can track down Taylor."

"It means a lot to me."

"That's why I'm doing it," Callie said. "But if she screws up, she's not getting a second chance."

"And that's totally fair. I get that it's your job and if I really thought she'd end up screwing up your life there, I wouldn't have asked. I just think she needs a chance to realize that there's more to life than the crap she's dealing with right now."

"I get that." Callie sighed. "You've got me hooked, Jude, you don't need to sell me on Taylor anymore."

"It can't hurt," Jude said.

"I've got to go, Jude, but I'll talk to you later. Do you work today?"

"Already done," Jude said.

"Lucky. Okay, bye."

"Bye, Callie." As soon as he hung up with his sister, Jude called his boyfriend. "Hey, baby."

"Hi, Jude. What are you doing?"

"Bored. Wondering if you want to come over tonight."

"So, you're totally feeling better?"

"Yeah. I was fine at work this morning. I even ate normally. Or maybe it's just the weekend being nice to me. So, want to come over?"

"I _want_ to."

"But?" Jude prompted.

"I'm kind of on my way to the gym right now."

"Okay. Do you want to come over after?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Call me when you're done at the gym," Jude suggested. "By the time you're done showering, I can be there to pick you up."

"Okay, thanks, Jude. I'll talk to you soon."

"I love you."

"One," Connor said. "And you mean a lot to me too."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Jude hung up the phone and flopped, bored, back onto the couch. What was he supposed to do for the next hour until Connor called? He toyed with the idea of trying to be productive, but then he realized he was happy here on the couch. It was comfortable, and he was wrapped in the plaid blanket which, somehow, after several days, had still retained the scent of Connor. Happily, Jude started channel surfing and starting his hour-long wait.

(-.-)

Connor left the gym, wiping his hand across his brow. He walked down the gym steps and then turned to the side, tucking himself into the shadows so he could turn his phone on without being noticed or without being in the way. He had a missed call from a number that he didn't recognize, two missed calls from his father, three texts from his father, and two voicemails. He read the texts from Adam first.

 **Adam: The police called here looking for you. I gave them your cell phone number. It's about you-know-who. They wouldn't tell me anything when I asked.**

 **Adam: I hope you're not avoiding this. You need to know now. Call me as soon as you find out.**

 **Adam: Connor, are you all right?**

The last one had been sent only five minutes ago. Shakily, he answered his father.

 **Connor: I just left the gym. I'm going to call them now.**

He listened through the voicemails first, though, as if that could calm the panicked knot that was building in his stomach. Part of him wanted to just start running, though he didn't know where his feet would end up taking him if he did. Would he find himself in his dorm room, Jude's couch, somewhere new entirely? Or, by some miracle, would he find himself waking up at ten years old, with his mom alive and a chance to do things differently? Connor found himself too rooted to the spot to run. His legs almost felt like they were about to give out.

His father had said the same thing in his voicemail. The next one was from Detective Jordan, asking for a call back immediately. So Connor did. His head was spinning with worry. He wondered if they were going to call him for a trial. He'd been told he wouldn't have to testify and he knew now that he never could. He could never look his ex-boyfriend in the eye again, because he had no idea what would happen now if he did. Would he fall in love all over again? Would he get angry about what happened to him? Would his ex know immediately all about Jude and would Connor have to pay for the sin of being with someone else? The only thing Connor knew for certain was that, no matter what, he wouldn't be able to fight back. He could never picture himself hurting his ex. He actively didn't want to, no matter what his ex had put him through.

He jumped when Detective Jordan answered the phone and he couldn't keep his voice from shaking as he quietly gave the man his name. His stomach dropped when he heard for sure that it was about his ex and he leant against the wall when he heard his ex's name. It had been so long. And that last name; that last name that was supposed to have been his too. It sent tears spiralling down his cheeks.

And then Connor's world ended.

His ex was getting out of prison.

He barely heard another word that was said, even though he knew that he responded to Detective Jordan when prompted. His hands felt dead as he dropped his phone in his bag and he woodenly started his way back to his dorm, anxiously looking into every face that he passed. It was a busy Saturday night; a lot of people were on their way off campus or to frat row to party. He weaved around. Everything was either blurred or sharp focus. He kept looking for something familiar. For his ex's face. For his ex's car. For that familiar black suit. He was even searching for his ex's parents, as if they would show up at night on a college campus for him.

He made it to his dorm room door and realized the entire world was spinning. His hands were shaking so badly that he couldn't even shove the key in the lock, despite his desperation to get inside. To get away from where anyone could see him. He let out a cry as the door finally opened under his hands and he burst into his room.

It was dark, as he'd left it, and deadly silent. Connor closed his door quietly behind him and flicked the lock. He slowly lowered his gym bag to the floor and turned on his lights, opening his closet door and his bathroom, climbing all around his tiny room to make sure that there was absolutely nothing disturbed. He was here. He was fine.

Except nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine again.

He slowly lowered himself to his floor, hearing a door shut in his hallway. Connor's heart sped up in his chest until he realized that the footsteps hadn't led to his room. What was he going to do? What could he do? His phone started to ring and he jumped so badly that he hit his head off the wall behind him. He looked down and it was Jude. Just Jude.

His ex was going to kill Jude, once he found Connor.

The thought was so matter of fact that Connor was struck dumb by it. But not one bit of him believed that it wasn't true. Connor stared at Jude's contact photo and he wondered what he was supposed to do. He felt lost. Drowning. He finally answered.

"Hey, baby, I thought you were ignoring me."

"I can't come over."

"Oh. Why?"

"Um, can't."

"You don't sound good, Connor. Did you catch my flu or something?"

He grabbed onto the excuse. "Yes." Anything to delay the inevitable.

"I told you I'd come take care of you. I can't get sick twice, right?"

He sounded happy, a little concerned. Ignorant.

"N-n-no. I, um, want to be alone."

"Okay, sure. If you want anything or need anything, you can always call me and I'll be there."

"Thanks." But he couldn't call. Ever again. Not Jude, not Jake, not anyone. He had to be alone. He should have been alone this whole time. He had been duped into a false sense of security. Like nothing could happen anymore, like the danger was gone. The danger had never been gone. It was a mistake.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

Connor agreed, but he didn't know why. He shouldn't have. Jude had to go. He couldn't do this to Jude. Jude didn't deserve it.

"I love you, baby."

Tears started to slip down Connor's cheeks. After all his worrying, after all of the bad feelings, he wanted to give Jude another chance. He wanted to hear it again, because he knew that this was going to have to be their last phone call.

"Jude?"

"Yeah? Are you sure you're really okay? You sound terrible, baby."

"I'll be okay. Um, will you say that again?"

"You sound terrible?"

"No, before that."

"I love you, Connor." Jude's voice was impossibly sweet and a little bit hopeful.

"Goodbye, Jude."

"Bye, baby."

Connor hung up the phone. He stared at it for a long time, and then he texted his father.

 **Connor: I want to change my number.**

 **Adam: He's getting out, isn't he?**

 **Connor: Yes.**

 **Adam: I can't believe it! After what he did! I'm calling in the morning to see if I can find out what happened.**

 **Connor: I just want my number changed.**

 **Adam: I'll get that done tomorrow too, okay? Whatever else you want, we'll do that. What would make you feel safe?**

 **Connor: I don't know. I'll think about it.**

He didn't know if he'd ever be safe again.

(-.-)

"Bye, Ben!"

"Bye!" Benjamin shouted.

Jude pushed the door to the convenience store open and stepped out into the sunshine. He fished his phone out of his pocket as he walked. Connor hadn't answered his text this morning, and he hoped that meant that his boyfriend had slept in and taken care of himself. He turned his phone on and it vibrated with three quick texts.

 **Connor: We can't see each other anymore.**

 **Connor: I'm so sorry.**

 **Connor: Please, don't try and talk to me. I never want to see you again.**

Jude froze in the middle of the sidewalk, feeling his heart start to break, even though, in his mind, he didn't believe a word of it. His breath quickening, he hit call on Connor's number and held it to his hear. Once he heard Connor's voice, once Connor heard his voice, it would all be okay. It was just something that had been brought on by his fears in a relationship, perhaps even his fear of 'I love you' had gotten to him. Jude would stop saying it – temporarily, at least, in order to let Connor deal with it. He and Connor just needed to compromise. He and Connor just needed to figure it out, together.

"The number you have dialled is no longer in service."

 _What_?

A girl on a skateboard went whizzing by and Jude stumbled forward, toward his apartment. He called Connor's phone again and received the same message. He made it through his front door and sent a text to Connor's number, but it bounced back at him.

Connor was gone.

Jude's first instinct was to get in his car, go to Connor's dorm. People would let him into the building. He could knock on Connor's door. They could figure it out. But then, as he sat down on his couch, the sneaking thought came in that Connor didn't care. But he had to care, didn't he? The months that they had spent together couldn't mean _nothing_? It had all meant so much to Jude. And the indecision left him so paralyzed. He stared at that last text.

 _I never want to see you again_.

Should he believe him? Connor wasn't a liar. Jude knew that. It was one of the things that was at Connor's core. He told the truth. Connor had never lied to him. There was no reason for him to start now. Connor didn't really want to see him again. Jude didn't want to believe he and he felt like busting down Connor's door, just in an effort to hear otherwise. But Jude refused to be that guy. He wasn't that guy and he'd become more aware of not being that guy throughout the time he and Connor were together, and he wasn't going to start now.

He didn't like the feeling that he was laying down and taking it, but what else could he do? He couldn't start stalking Connor. He couldn't just let Connor go.

 _We can't see each other anymore._

But, why, Connor?

 _I'm so sorry._

But, are you, really?

Jude would never get the answers.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Alibis**_ **by Marianas Trench. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	60. Carry You Away

Class.

The hardest day of classes of Connor's entire life, including his very first day at the university. Connor had made himself go, only because Adam told him that the news of his ex-boyfriend couldn't destroy his life. Connor knew that Adam didn't really understand. He didn't really know that his ex had already ruined his life and that his getting out of prison was just icing on the cake. It was just proof that Connor would never be free of him. And maybe he was never supposed to be free. He and told Jude that he never wanted to go back to his ex, and that was true. He didn't _want_ to.

But if his ex were in front of him, that didn't mean he wouldn't.

The thought of Jude's name caused him to wince. It had only been a day. One day since he had changed his number. One day since he had made the decision to cut Jude out. One day of wondering if it was the worst decision he'd ever made. There was no guarantee that he would be found by his ex. There was no guarantee that, even if he were found, that his ex would find out about Jude. But Connor wasn't willing to risk it. He wouldn't gamble with Jude. It was a lot better if Jude forgot about him and moved on. It had been the best time of Connor's life but he knew that it was bad for Jude.

He had never deserved Jude.

While most of the class thundered out of the room, Connor looked down at his notebook. He hadn't take any notes in the last few minutes; he had just doodled Jude's name in large, block letters. He shut the notebook and felt tears prick at his eyes. He had to have made the wrong decision. Something that hurt this bad couldn't be the right decision.

Maybe he could call Jude, from his new number. Maybe he could explain. Jude was so good at understanding. It was such a big deal. Jude would know he had panicked. And he could make it up to Jude. He was sure there were ways that he could.

Connor pulled a baseball cap over his head and then pulled his hood up over the hat. Just in case. He didn't want anyone to recognize him. He picked up his bag and walked out of the room, Jude weighing heavily on his mind, just as it had since he had sent his last messages to Jude. He couldn't make up his mind and it wasn't as if he could talk to Adam or Dr. Scott about it either. He knew that it had to be his own decision. He had to take the responsibility. And he just didn't know. He'd been sobbing so hard he'd thrown up when he'd sent those last three messages to Jude.

Maybe it was a sign that he had made the wrong decision.

It was bright and sunny today and Connor started to sweat as he kept his head down and tried to pace his walking. If he moved too slowly or too quickly on the way back to his dorm, that would only call attention to himself too. He reached inside his hoodie pocket and pushed large sunglasses over his face so that he could lift his head slightly and double check where he was going.

He skirted around the edge of the parking lot in the dorms before his and that's when he saw the dark green SUV. He knew that SUV. He had sat in its passenger seat for so long that he was twenty-one-years old without a driver's licence of his own. And if the SUV was here, it meant that its driver was close by. A cold sweat broke out on his brow as he spun in a rough circle, panicking twice over when he realized how much it made him stand out. There was no tall, hulking man with dark eyes and dark hair. Connor thought his heart had completely stopped as he sprinted to his building, not caring anymore. He just had to disappear. He had to get into his room.

Unless, that's where _he_ was.

Connor nearly collapsed on the third floor stairwell when the thought hit him. No. His car was parked at the wrong building. His ex was smart and meticulous. He wouldn't park over there when Connor was right here. He walked more slowly up the stairs, though, because he couldn't be sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. He made it to his room, expecting his ex to be standing in the middle of it, that brilliant smile on his face, his white teeth shining, as if he were grandstanding to a jury. But his room was empty. Connor obsessively checked around everywhere, but the room was empty. Everything was the same as he'd left it.

He hadn't been found out yet. But he was going to be. If his ex had made it this far, it was only a matter of time. He was too close, too quickly. It could be days or it could be hours until he was face to face with his ex again. He slowly crossed to his window and peeked out, but he didn't overlook the parking lot. It was just a stretch of green before another tall dorm building was visible. Not close enough that he could ever seen into someone's windows from where he was standing, but he could see lights and, perhaps, the occasional figure.

Connor snapped his blinds shut. Around him, for just a moment, the world was silent. His thoughts hushed, but there was no clarity. There was nothing but the briefest moment of respite, and then the anxiety hit him again. He took the picture of he and Jude off the wall and shredded it into small pieces. He made sure not to look down so that he wouldn't see Jude's face tear. He let the pieces fall into the trash, once he was sure that no one would ever be able to tell what they had once been, and looked around his room. There was nothing else to show that Jude existed. No one could know about the cactus Jude had bought him. No one could know the elephant on his bed had been a gift from a boyfriend. If his ex got in, he would have no way, from looking at the room, about Jude.

Except …

Connor went to his closet and with shaking fingers found Jude's Anchor Beach sweatshirt. Connor picked up one of the sleeves and held it to his face. It smelt a little like him, but it still smelt a lot like Jude. It was clearly older and more worn than everything else in his closet. He pulled it off the clothes hanger, thinking he should throw it out, give it back, do something other than keep it. It might just be the thing that put Jude in danger. But Connor could … hide it. He just knew that he couldn't stand getting rid of it.

He should. He knew he should. Now was not the time to be selfish. He had done everything he had done in the interest of protecting Jude. He couldn't do this now. He just couldn't. He pulled the sweatshirt on, found his journal, and curled up in bed. Maybe if he wrote it all down he would be able to understand, but, somehow, he doubted that. He didn't really think that there was anything to understand beyond having to protect Jude from all the mistakes that Connor had made in his past.

He bowed his head and cried over the page.

(-.-)

 **Adam: Connor, I'm worried about you.**

 **Adam: Connor, please, call me back.**

 **Adam: Connor. I'm not asking.**

Connor stared down at his phone, knowing that he had to answer Adam. He hadn't spoken on the phone to his father in a week, since he had gotten the news about his ex-boyfriend. He didn't want to confess to Adam all of the things that had happened in the past week, because he knew that Adam would tell him that it was a mistake and that he had done the wrong thing. Connor couldn't handle hearing that, because he had wrestled with it enough, and he knew that it was the only option he had. Adam could tell him he was wrong all he wanted to, but Adam didn't really understand. No one else could possibly understand. He didn't know if anyone else could understand. Who else had been standing in this place but him?

Certainly no one that he knew.

Connor called Adam. His father filled the conversation most of the time. He probably wouldn't have to say that much. He hoped he wouldn't. Maybe Adam would understand his silence.

"Hi, Dad."

"So, I made a few phone calls."

Connor coiled back into his bed, hiding in Jude's sweatshirt that he still hadn't found the strength to give up. He was going to take it back to Jude's, yesterday, but when he'd tried to sneak out of his dorm again, he'd seen the green SUV and he realized he couldn't go anywhere near Jude's. He couldn't risk being followed.

"He got out on a technicality," Adam said. "There was something wrong with one of those officers that investigated. He was corrupt, or something. A lot of the cases he was working on got screwed over. A lot of bad people are going free."

"It took them this long to realize it?" Connor whispered, as if it would have been better for them to realize it beforehand. But it really might have been. If he had never met Jude, if he had never had a chance to get away from his ex, then he would have stayed where he was, slightly miserable at all times but really believing that it was as happy as he were going to get. He wouldn't have met Jude; he wouldn't have been possibly be putting Jude in danger.

"I guess so," Adam said. "I can't believe it."

Connor didn't know what to say. He didn't know if he could bring himself to believe it either.

"So, he's never going to go to trial."

"Not unless he does something else."

Something else. Like come after Connor. Or find another boy like him. The thought of his ex finding someone else repulsed him. He hated the thought of someone else being made as miserable as he had. And, somewhere down under all of that, Connor also hated the thought of being replaceable. And that disgusted him too. He didn't know what he was supposed to think or feel. He thought he knew where he stood now, but that had all been knocked away. Everything that Connor had even started to feel even slightly sure of had been washed away, and he was stuck, adrift, again, just like had been left this time last year.

"Maybe he'll just go away. Maybe he learnt something." He sounded like a naïve child, even to his own ears.

"God, I hope so, Connor," Adam said, but he didn't sound hopeful about it at all. "How are you?"

"Fine," he lied, and it sounded like a lie.

"I hope that's true, too."

Maybe Jude just saw through him too easily, so Jude always caught his lies. Or maybe Adam just wanted to believe in the lies more than Jude had wanted to.

"Look, are you sure that you still feel safe at school? You don't want to come home?"

"That will be the first place he'd look," Connor said.

He just couldn't lead his ex back to Adam too. Adam wasn't safe, no one was safe. That had been proven the last December he'd spent with his ex. In December, it might not have been him. It could have been his father. That definitely would have been worse. No one should be hurt. No one but him. He was the one who deserved it, for bringing his ex – his monster of an ex – into the lives of innocent people. People who, inexplicably, seemed to care about him.

"He might come here anyway."

If he had, he hadn't spent long there. No one thought Connor was living at home, anyway. They all thought Connor was on the east coast for school. It was what Adam had told anyone who asked, even people who didn't ask. Connor wondered how his ex had found him so quickly. He couldn't have just started looking for him, right?

Connor didn't know.

He didn't know anything. He had never known anything and that was the problem. If he had been just a little smarter, at any point of his life, then everything would be different. He might be safe. He might still be able to have a normal life, to have a boyfriend like Jude. Or, specifically, to have Jude, in the way that he always wished that he could. In the way where it was easy, and he were normal, and he could kiss Jude without being scared, without having to tell himself that he shouldn't be scared. He thought of how it could have been, if he had been able to have sex and fall in love, all of the things that Jude wanted out of a relationship and all of the things that Connor wanted to be able to have with Jude.

Tears started to roll down Connor's cheeks at the thought of Jude. There was no going back now. It was part of the reason he had severed their relationship so brutally. So he wouldn't be tempted. Even if he called Jude now, Jude would turn him away. There was no reason for Jude to want to be with someone that could abandon him so quickly, without mercy, and not think to look back for him at all. The more time that passed without contact, the less likely it was that Connor could ever fix it. And that was the point. As much as he hated it.

"He won't find you," Adam said.

"Okay, Dad." As if it were that easy.

"I'll call the campus security, let them know –"

"No! That's just going to draw more attention! I'll just fly under the radar. No one will notice me at all!"

"Connor –"

"I'll be fine, Dad."

"I just can't let anything else happen to you. I won't lose you again, Connor."

Connor never knew what to do when other people got emotional and he especially didn't know what to do when it was his father.

"I'll be fine, Dad." He tried his best to sound convincing, but he knew that he'd failed. At least, in his opinion.

"You can call me if you need anything."

"I know, Dad, thanks."

"I love you."

No one should. "You too," he forced himself to say.

And then he hung up and was alone. Just as he should be.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Carry You Away**_ **by Us And Our Daughters. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	61. Metalingus

Connor held his breath all the way through Valentine's Day. He didn't think much of the so-called holiday. When he had been with his ex-boyfriend, he had counted down the days until Valentine's Day, much like he had counted down the days toward each of their birthdays, because it was always a big deal. It was always wonderful and sweet; his ex went out of his way to make it so. Perhaps that was why he was so resentful of it now. Those days were good. Everything else was terrible. And wonderful.

Connor shook his head, trying to clear his ex out of his mind, though that was impossible to do now days. He had seen the green SUV at least a half of a dozen times more since the first time and he was starting to wonder if his ex-boyfriend was playing with him. If his ex was trying to lure Connor back to him or just drive him insane. Both were likely to happen, in Connor's opinion. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to stop hiding in his room, waiting in fear for something to happen. Being with Jude had made things feel too safe. He had gotten too used to being able to be safe.

The thought of Jude tore at his heart. The more separation that occurred, the more it hurt to so much as think Jude's name. Valentine's Day was making it worse, because Jude had seemed excited for it. Connor wondered what he was doing tonight instead. Maybe he was with Taylor. Maybe he went home. Maybe he was at work. There were so many options and it felt alien to Connor that he didn't know Jude's schedule anymore. He just hoped Jude wasn't alone. He didn't want Jude to be alone. The thought briefly crossed his mind that Jude could have gone out and found himself a date for Valentine's Day, but even though he doubted that it had happened, a flare of hatred for that scenario erupted within him.

It wasn't fair of him to want it, but he wanted Jude to be with him. He wanted to be with Jude. He just wanted for it to be the two of them together again, but it couldn't be.

Valentine's Day was a miserable day and Connor finished it off by hiding under his comforter and trying to pretend that the outside world didn't actually exist.

(-.-)

 _"Would you really like me to go?" Connor asked._

 _His boyfriend slid his hand under Connor's chin, pulling his face up so that Connor was looking at him. His dark brown eyes were almost black and Connor balled his hands at his sides. He wanted to reach out his hands and hold onto his boyfriend, but Connor knew that he wasn't allowed to reach out. He had to wait. He had to be good and wait for his boyfriend to reach for him. It was the right thing. He was too young and inexperienced; he didn't always make the right decisions. It was why he needed someone like his boyfriend._

 _"Of course," his boyfriend said. He leant his head down and softly kissed Connor. "I want to show you off, is that so wrong?"_

 _"No!" Connor said, and he let himself smile widely. "I'm really happy that you want me to go."_

 _His boyfriend stroked his cheek gently and Connor's heart sped up., anticipating the second kiss. It didn't come._

 _"If I'm going to take you to the office Christmas party, you're going to have to be on your best behaviour."_

 _"I will be!" Connor promised. He'd never been allowed to go out with his boyfriend's co-workers before or even his boyfriend's friends. It had only been a few months since he had been officially introduced to his boyfriend's family as a boyfriend. But he was eighteen now. He was an adult. He was becoming more worthy to stand next to his boyfriend. He wouldn't ever be on the same level; he knew that no one was on the same level as his boyfriend. Still, it was a nice feeling to know that he wanted to be seen in public with him, officially._

 _"We'll have to get you a nice suit," his boyfriend mused. "What do you think?"_

 _"I would love that," Connor said. "A suit like yours?"_

 _"If that's what you want. Everyone needs a nice suit, right?"_

 _Connor nodded._

 _"You're so handsome," his boyfriend said._

 _Connor shook his head. "You are. I'm so lucky."_

 _"Are you glad you met me?"_

 _"Yes," Connor said._

 _"What would you do without me?"_

 _"Nothing good," Connor said. "My life is here, with you. I don't want any other life."_

 _"Good, good," his boyfriend mused. "You know what you mean to me, don't you?"_

 _"You love me," Connor said. It was one of the only things he knew to be true. "I love you too. I'll never love anyone else."_

 _"I know you won't," his boyfriend said. "Which is why you're such a good boyfriend and why I'm happy to take you to the party this year."_

 _Connor beamed with pride._

(-.-)

Connor hadn't meant to see Jude. He really hadn't. He'd been varying his routes on leaving the buildings his classes were in and going back to his dorm. He was careful not to develop any habits. It would make it harder for someone to anticipate where he was. After class today, he had decided to cut through a couple of buildings he didn't normally have class in so that he could go home from a door he never had before. And there was Jude, in front of him, standing outside of a classroom door, talking on his cell phone.

Connor felt his legs lock. He had to turn. He had to run. He couldn't let Jude spot him, even though he had his sunglasses on, his hat on, and his hood up, he knew Jude would know him. He couldn't let Jude speak to him. Connor hadn't spoken to anyone but his father and his therapist for just under a month now. He wasn't going to let his ex get his hands on _anyone_ at all. Connor took half a step backward and then he skulked forward, slipping around just so that he could overhear Jude's voice. Just for a single second. Just to hear him say –

"Taylor, I don't have the time."

It was the most beautiful thing he'd heard for a long time. Connor didn't want to cry but it didn't stop the tears from welling up in his eyes. Jude's hushed tone sounded so sad and Connor wanted to spin around and hug him. He wanted to tell Jude that it would be all right, like Jude had done so much for him. His arms ached. He wanted to hug Jude again. His heart beating out of his chest, Connor turned, but Jude had left.

It was for the best. It was what had to happen. They couldn't be together. He couldn't erase the last month. He shouldn't. To do so was going to kill Jude. He wouldn't be Jude's murderer.

Connor trudged out into the sunshine, tears rolling thick down his cheeks. He tucked his face into the front of his sweater so the thick fabric would catch his tears. He felt too warm as he tripped over everything. The world felt hazy, far away and not quite real. That was his normal now. There was no clarity. No focus. There was just the waiting.

He found himself looking around, looking for the green SUV. He actively _wanted_ to see it today. He wanted it to be over. He _needed_ it to be over. His breaking point was here. He wasn't going to live like this anymore. The next time he saw the car, he was going to stand there, and he was going to wait, until he was face to face with his ex again. Whether he ended up dead or whether he ended up back with his ex, living the life that he always thought he would, it didn't matter.

Connor would never describe himself as a fighter. He wasn't brave, he wasn't strong, and he wasn't determined. He found it so hard to pull his life into his own hands but he knew that he wasn't really the one in control. He was always thinking of other people, of what they would want, and of what would be the best answer to say for them. It wasn't about him. It was never about him. It wasn't supposed to be, because he wasn't worth that kind of consideration. The thought of being nose to nose with his ex, the thought of it possibly turning into a confrontation, shook him to the core, but he was still disappointed when he didn't come across the green SUV on his way back to his dorm room.

He didn't want to wait anymore.

(-.-)

 _Connor turned his head, staring blankly out the hospital window. He couldn't see much. Scraps of blue sky, white clouds. He could hear foot traffic in the hall – nurses, doctors, patients, the often squeaky sounds of wheelchairs moving along the tiled floors – and he could hear the vehicular traffic on the street below. It wasn't comforting to know that life was moving on. His life was still. The life he had known, had loved, was gone. The man who had made it all possible was gone._

 _There was a knock at the door and Connor turned his head slowly, not surprised to see Adam. It had been easy to learn the routines of the doctors and nurses, even though it had only been a few days. He stared at his father, who was dressed casually, in blue jeans and a faded t-shirt from the college he'd attended. Connor didn't greet him, he just stared blankly. A week ago, seeing Adam had left him breathless. Now, he just felt an ache. His body ached; his heart ached; everything ached for his life. The life that has been his only a week ago. Adam had been the one to take all of that away. Adam had taken away the only person who would or_ could _ever love him. It was just as his boyfriend had always said and what Connor had always known. It was something that Adam didn't understand._

 _His father sat in the uncomfortable orange chair that was closest to Connor's bedside. Connor did his best to shift away. He didn't like people to be too close. His body was numb. He wasn't sure he'd moved at all._

 _"Hi, Connor. How are you today?"_

 _Drugged. Scared. Heartbroken. Unused to the sounds of his father's voice. "Fine."_

 _It was little more than a whisper. The painkillers made him feel muffled, but he was sure that was better. He would have to feel all of it, eventually, but he didn't want to._

 _"There's a psychologist named Dr. Scott," Adam said. "She's highly recommended by the hospital and I thought you might be more comfortable opening up to a woman."_

 _Connor wanted to look away. He could count dots on the ceiling. He could go back to watching clouds go by. He could do anything but stare at the concern on his father's face. Except he couldn't. He couldn't look away because he couldn't even trust his own father not to do something unexpected and damaging. And he was curious about the concern on Adam's face – as curious as he could manage, as he currently was. It was the same reason he'd spent most of Adam's visit a week ago just staring. The man who was concerned about his son wasn't the man Connor knew._

 _"I would really like it if you went to see her," Adam added. "At least once or twice to give her a real chance."_

 _Connor nodded. His father seemed weighted and wrinkled. No longer the father of a carefree boy. But Connor was a long way from that boy. It was Adam that started that separation and Connor was nearly unsympathetic to his father now._

 _"What do you think?"_

 _"I'll try," Connor said, and it made Adam brighten._

 _Connor had nothing left to live for, now. He might as well make his father happy._

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Metalingus**_ **by Alter Bridge. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	62. War Of Hearts, Pt 1

**This update and the next will come out four hours earlier due to my current time zone. Thanks.**

 **~TLL~**

"Dad, I'm fine." Connor didn't even try to sound okay anymore. It was almost the second week of March. He was tired. Emotionally drained. He hadn't seen the his ex's car again and that was starting to scare him more than seeing it.

"I don't believe it."

Adam shouldn't, but Connor still wrinkled his nose at the words.

"Dad –"

"I never hear about Jake or Jude or the gym or anything other than you saying you went to class. Connor, I'm worried. Maybe it isn't the best thing for you to stay at that school."

"No! Dad, it's just because I've been worried I didn't say anything! I'm going to the gym tonight! You called as I was leaving."

"Really?"

"Really," Connor whispered.

"You have to promise me you're actually doing something tonight," Adam said. "Even if it is just the gym. You have to promise me your life didn't stop and I overlooked it."

"I promise. On both things," Connor said, turning to pick up his gym bag. He would go to the gym. He'd please his father, on this one count.

"Connor, I'm so sorry."

"You haven't done anything, Dad."

"Have a good workout, okay?"

"Thank you," Connor said, though he was planning on speeding through it. The sun was already most of the way down and he didn't want to be out too long after dark.

"I love you."

Those words were starting to make Connor want to bang his head against the wall, but he swallowed that feeling. "You too."

"Call me if you need anything."

"I will."

Connor hung up with Adam and let out a heavy sigh. He really didn't want to go to the gym, although it was a decent place to hide. No one without a membership could get in and there weren't that many windows. There were plenty of places in the gym to go without being seen. It was just _getting_ there that was the problem. He rushed down his hallway, to a different set of steps than he usually took, and then he burst out into the night.

The sky was getting dark and Connor wondered if it were going to rain. It had been so long since it had rained and the multitude of sunny days had felt like a slap to the face. It had made the world look bright and happy, but Connor had just felt so dark and cold on the inside. He entered the gym, showing his ID to the man tending the reception desk. The gym was empty, save one girl who was lifting weights, but that just made Connor move faster. He only spent twenty minutes inside of the building itself before the anxiety became worse than the work out.

He was heaving for breath when he made it outside. His hands were trembling and he shoved them deep inside of his pockets. He could do nothing about the fact that his knees were knocking together and he was so uncoordinated that he fell crossing the gym's tiny parking lot. His hands and knees scraped, Connor almost didn't feel the strength to get up. The first few drops of rain were beginning to fall and he wondered if it would be quite so bad to just sit here for a while.

But, no, he couldn't get run over. That would mean attention and a story run in a local paper. It would put his name out there, when he had tried so hard to keep it under wraps. Connor looked up as he pushed himself from the hard pavement and there it was again.

His ex-boyfriend's car, parked at the fast food restaurant across the street. A hard, cold lump formed in his throat and he walked forward slowly. Deliberately. His hands wrapped tightly around the strap his gym bag; his fingers started to ache. He made it to the edge of the parking lot, and as if there were an invisible fence, he was stopped short. What was he about to do? He hadn't thought through the consequences of this! He glanced at the restaurant, but there were no windows facing him. It was impossible to tell if his ex-boyfriend was inside, eating a burger, or if he was sitting inside of the dark vehicle, waiting for Connor to approach.

What did he do now?

Voices flooded the night and Connor jumped, hiding behind a beige van. He peeked around the back of it, watching two figures cross under a street lamp. One was a tall, older woman with grey hair. The other was none other than Kroger. Connor frowned as the woman he didn't know exclaimed, "Oh, Jay, is this the new car!"

Kroger laughed. "The new to _me_ car. What do you think of it?"

"I _love_ the colour."

The lights of the green SUV turned on as Kroger opened the driver's side door and Connor's veins turned to ice. He was _sure_ that was the same SUV he had been seeing around campus for the several weeks. He could see the red tree air freshener that was hanging from the rear-view mirror. But if it was _Kroger's_ SUV, if it wasn't his _ex's_ SUV …

Connor's brain stalled. He had been wrong. His ex boyfriend hadn't found him. His ex had no idea where he was. He was still free, which meant he had panicked, overreacted, and turned his life into a hell hole for no reason. It meant that had had _broken Jude's heart_ for absolutely no good reason at all.

Jude!

It meant he could go back, didn't it? Should he? Should he wait and see if he was found? Oh, but why wait for a day that might never come?

The SUV pulled out of the parking lot and rain started to pour around Connor. It was enough to start him running. He pushed himself all the way back to his dorm but, instead of running up to his room, Connor ran down. He ran to the bike locker and unlocked the bike that he hadn't touched in weeks and shoved it up the stairs. He had to explain to Jude. He had to see Jude. It was the only thing that was on his mind. It was the only thing that he was sure of.

The night had developed into a full on rainstorm as Connor pedaled furiously. His heart thundered in his chest and he felt like he was going to throw up as the wind battered against him. But it didn't matter. The weather didn't matter. How he felt didn't matter. He was going to get to talk to Jude again. He was going to get to stand in front of Jude again. He didn't know what would happen from there, but he couldn't let that get under his skin now. He had to keep going. He couldn't let himself stop. He had to explain to Jude.

His bike skidded on the wet pavement, but Connor didn't let himself fall. He turned onto Jude's street and a car sped by, splashing up water at him, but he didn't allow himself to get scared of its proximity. He could see Jude's house. He didn't even get off his bike to walk it down the hill, he just turned it down. The bike slipped on the wetness and Connor skidded through the grass. There was mud on his jeans, mud on his hands, probably mud on his hair. It didn't matter. Jude's door was in front of him and the window was lit up.

His teeth jittered as he rested his bike against the deck. His stomach twisted and tears poured down his cheeks. He lifted his dirty hand to knock on the door and only hesitated for a moment. Jude was just on the other side of that door and he needed it to open. He still had Jude's house key, but it was wrong to use it now. He knocked once and then it became frantic. He needed to make sure Jude heard him, that the door opened.

And then it did.

The warmth and light of Jude's apartment penetrated the dark, rainy night, and Connor couldn't take his eyes off Jude's face. It was pure relief to see him again, though a frown was on his face and he didn't look happy. That shouldn't have surprised Connor. If the situations had been reversed, he wouldn't be so happy right now either.

"Connor, what are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you! I needed to tell you, um, to explain, to –" The sobs took over and he hid his face in his hands.

"Come in," Jude said. "Come on. Go in the bathroom, put your clothes in the washer. I'll get something else for you."

"Th-th-thank you."

It wasn't until he was inside that Connor realized that he hadn't expected to make it this far. He was back in Jude's bathroom, and it was like nothing had changed. It had been just over a month. How much could have changed in that amount of time? Too much? Enough? Connor put his wet clothing in the dryer, as he'd been instructed, and then tried to wash off as much of the mud as he was able before pulling on the clothes Jude had gifted him. It felt too normal, and he was sure that he had borrowed this exact shirt and sweatpants before. He pulled the long sleeves over his hands and hid his face away, inhaling deeply. Connor realized how much the Anchor Beach sweatshirt didn't smell like Jude anymore and how much that had just been in his head. The lump in his throat swelled and he knew he had to face Jude. No matter how angry Jude was – and he had every right to scream and yell – Connor would take it. It was unlike all the times with his ex that he'd discussed with Dr. Scott. This time, Connor really did deserve it. And Jude deserved the chance to yell and rant and get an explanation.

Connor started the washer and opened the bathroom door. The TV was still going – a crime drama that Connor had never seen and that he didn't realize Jude cared about. Jude wasn't sitting on the couch watching it; he was standing beside the couch, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Despite the fact that he trusted Jude, he still stopped out of arms reach. After all, he'd never actually seen Jude angry. Jude turned to face Connor, and though his jaw was set and his brows were drawn low, his brown eyes pierced Connor, because they were just sad.

"Th-thank you for letting me in."

"I wasn't going to leave you out there," Jude said, and then he sighed heavily. "What _are_ you doing here?"

"To explain."

"Try."

The harsh tone nearly made Connor flinch and he knitted his fingers together, trying to steady himself. He had to hold it together. It wasn't fair to break down on Jude because he knew Jude would comfort him, because Jude was a genuinely good man. It would invalidate his explanation and his apology. Connor didn't expect Jude to forgive him, but if Jude decided to do so, Connor didn't want either of them to feel like Jude had been guilt-tripped into it at all.

"Because," Jude said, anger building in his voice, "I never expect people who never want to see me again to show up at my apartment."

"I was lying."

"That's what I eventually decided," Jude said. "Then I decided it didn't matter why. You decided to go. So, away you'd stay. Easier said than done, though."

Connor's knees gave out and he sank down on the couch. "I thought you were going to die, Jude."

"Yeah?" Jude didn't sound impressed by the gravity of Connor's words.

Connor nodded. "Um, the night that I was supposed to come see you, a detective called me. My ex-boyfriend got out of prison, Jude."

Concern flickered across Jude's face before he hid it away. "And?"

"I panicked. I knew he'd find me. I knew you'd be in even more trouble than I was when he did. I-I-I couldn't watch that happened to you." He tried to report everything as matter-of-fact as he possibly could, but he couldn't keep his voice from cracking or the tears from welling up in his eyes. "I thought it was my only option."

"Instead of _telling_ me? Instead of letting me make up my own mind? Or, maybe, instead telling me you were scared and wanted space because of that? But you just _decided_ that it wasn't worth talking to me about it, even though our entire relationship we did nothing but talk! And what did we keep saying? We have to be honest! Well, you fucked that up, Connor!"

He jumped at the explicative coming from Jude's mouth.

"What made you come back, huh? Is my life no longer in danger?"

Connor nodded, feeling his eyes go wide. "Jude, it's Kroger's car."

They obviously weren't the words Jude had been expecting to hear. Truthfully, they weren't really the words Connor had been expecting but saying the words aloud made them feel real and he laughed, feeling giddy.

"Connor!"

"It's Kroger's car."

"I don't know what that means!"

"I kept seeing a green SUV and that's _his_ car and I thought it was him but it wasn't! He didn't find me! And I was so stupid to think he had. I was miserable and paranoid this past month and I didn't have to be. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. To run away, to leave you. I shouldn't have done any of what I did. I'm sorry!" He crawled down the couch, needing to be closer to Jude. "I'm so sorry."

"So, what?" Jude demanded, taking a step back. "Were you thinking you'd show up here and things would be fine and we could just go back to the way things were? Because that's such bullshit, Connor!"

"No, no, I just wanted to –"

"Because do you know what, Connor? This past month has been the worst month of my entire life! And I wanted you. I wanted you to be here to help me deal with that! And you should have been, but, where were you? Hiding from invisible fucking monsters, safe, in your dorm room! Meanwhile, Taylor killed Callie! And I went to my fucking sister's funeral while my best friend sat in jail for it and all I wanted was for you to tell me it was going to be okay and be there when I cried because I just couldn't burden my moms anymore and you were just gone! You can go fuck yourself, Connor!"

"Jude, I … What happened?"

"Why do you care?"

"I didn't stop caring about you. It was only because I thought something was going to happen to you."

"But it didn't happen to me," Jude whimpered. "It happened to Callie and she's gone, Connor, and I needed you here and you weren't. And now you're here and what am I supposed to say? What do I even want to say? I thought about you coming back so many times but I really just decided it was better if you were gone and I … I just want to go back in time."

Jude's back hit the wall and he slid down it, hiding his face against his knees and trying to contain his sobs. Connor felt his heart break; he understood how Jude was feeling. He, too, would give nearly anything to get back. Connor could only bear to watch Jude cry for a moment before he slipped from the couch and crawled over to Jude. He didn't know if Jude would let him get close, but he moved until he was sitting next to Jude. It was only a moment until Jude's head fell against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Jude and just let Jude sob into him. It was so hard to hear. It was partly his fault, but he had to deal with all of it. Jude was right. Especially for something this big. He should have supported Jude.

"What happened?" Connor murmured, even though he didn't know if it was right to.

"Taylor had internship with Callie. I thought she'd stopped drinking. But she hadn't. She was driving the car. It crashed. Callie died. Taylor walked away without a scratch. And that's how my mom died too. How is that fair, Connor? Callie didn't do anything!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

It was so weak. Jude slumped into his arms again and the sobbing intensified. Connor held Jude more tightly and just let him cry. It was the least he could do. He rubbed small circles on Jude's back, tried to whisper that it would be okay, though he wasn't quite so good about it as Jude was with him. He almost brushed his lips against the top of Jude's head, but it felt like it was too much. He wanted nothing more than to be sitting here with Jude, even though Jude was so broken. He was supposed to be here helping Jude. He owed it to Jude.

The washing machine beeped at the end of its cycle and, on reflex, Connor twitched.

"NO!" Jude shouted and his hands gripped the front of Connor's shirt. "Don't you dare leave me now!"

"I won't," Connor promised. "I'll sit right here with you for as long you need."

They didn't move for hours. Connor's muscles began to cramp and he wanted to say something more, but he didn't think that he should. If Jude wanted to talk to him more, he would. Jude just clung to his shirt and cried off and on, and Connor rocked him slightly, his own tears sliding onto Jude's soft hair. It was almost two a.m.

"Jude," he whispered, his own throat feeling raw. "You should go to bed."

Jude sniffed and his loose fingers grabbed onto Connor's arms.

"Wh-whatever you want," Connor murmured. "I can go or I can … stay."

He didn't realize how badly he wanted Jude to say that he should stay until he asked. He knew that he wanted to be here but he was just learning over and over again how much he had missed being here.

"You said you wouldn't go!"

"I won't. I won't," Connor promised. "I _want_ to be here, Jude. I missed you."

Abruptly, Jude pulled himself away. Connor's arms hung for a moment, cradling the empty space, before he let them float back to his sides.

"That's not fair, Connor!"

"I know." But it didn't change how he felt. It didn't change the fact that he'd thought of Jude every day and it had hurt more every time he had. He'd missed Jude so much and, even internally, he didn't have the words to express that to himself. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not even completely sure I believe that."

Jude sighed again and walked away. Connor watched his sock feet cross the hardwood floor until Jude shut the bathroom door behind him. Connor pushed himself to his feet, his knees aching, and he looked around Jude's apartment. He couldn't just stand here and do nothing, but he had no idea what he was allowed to do. He was less than a guest now and he no longer knew where the line was, which made it that much easier to overstep. He moved slowly, as if that were less offensive somehow. It gave Jude more time to catch and stop him. He fixed up the blankets and pillows on Jude's bed. They seemed unusually messy. He didn't have time to make the whole bed, but it was definitely more comfortable looking. Connor waned Jude to be comfortable and happy. Finished with the bed, Connor turned on Jude's bedside lamp and turned off the other lights in the apartment, like he had done before when they went to bed. Then, he sat on the arm of the couch.

Jude _wasn't_ happy. He'd been more miserable this past month than Connor had, and Connor hadn't ever considered that to be a possibility at all. He had been convinced Jude would be happy and that he really would be better off without Connor in his life. That had been wrong. That had been so wrong.

Connor had never meant to, but he had broken Jude's heart.

Connor jumped to his feet as Jude re-entered the room. He stayed utterly still as Jude crossed over to him; he was unsure if he should have laid down on the couch or if Jude would want him in bed. He waited for Jude to say something, but there were no words. The quiet was unnerving. Connor was used to Jude, sweet and talkative, filling in the silences that Connor always – but inadvertently – created. Jude, cold and sad, wasn't something Connor knew how to react to. Jude curled his fingers around Connor's bicep, guiding him from the couch to the edge of the bed. Connor sat quietly.

"You have to be here when I wake up," Jude said. His voice wavered and his tone was desperate; Jude sounded like Connor always imagined he ended up sounding when he was really upset. "You have to."

"I will. I'll be right where you left me."

"I work at seven."

Connor nodded, then Jude waved him to the inside of the bed. Connor scrambled to the other side of the mattress, burrowing in with all the pillows and blankets, so different from his single blanket, cold sheets, and two flat pillows. Jude pulled the curtains around the bed closed and Connor focused on the open spot at the foot of the bed. It might have just been an old habit, but Jude had still done it.

Connor watched Jude's silhouette turn over, keeping his back to Connor as he wrapped his arms around a pillow. If Connor reached out, he would probably be able to touch Jude. Before Connor had sent those texts, Jude would have loved it if Connor had reached for him first. He slid his hand part of the way across the gap and then withdrew it. It wouldn't be fair. Even if he fell asleep imagining how it once felt to have Jude's long body spooned into his own, his arms around Jude's waist. He even missed the tickle of Jude's hair against his nose.

He closed his eyes, knowing that Jude wouldn't allow him to hold him. He curled his arms around himself instead and that was how he fell asleep.

(-.-)

Connor woke as the alarm went off. He opened his eyes and pushed himself up on his elbow, confused, for a moment, where he was. Jude rolled over and turned off the alarm, and then he rolled to face Connor. Connor's lip trembled.

"I'm still here."

"I'm surprised. Someone who can vanish without a word might also run away in the middle of the night."

Connor kept his mouth closed. He deserved that too. Jude shook his head and was out of bed before his next snooze went off. Connor scrambled off after him. While Jude was sealed in the bathroom to get ready for work, Connor turned on the coffee maker. He had just poured a mug when Jude padded into the kitchen behind him.

"Just sugar."

"I remember."

"Hmm."

Connor passed him the mug and Jude's fingers brushed his own. His heart skipped.

"Will you be here when I get home?" Jude asked.

"If here is where you want me to be."

Jude rested against the counter. "I wanted to forget about you, Connor. I wanted to never care about you. I wanted to take that back. Do you know how hard it is to think that about someone that you were in love with? Do you understand what you did to me by walking away like you did?"

"I'm trying to," Connor whispered. "But I don't think I ever really can."

Jude shook his head. He chugged at his coffee, to the point where Connor wanted to warn him not to burn himself. He held his tongue. Jude was an adult and he had already made it clear that Connor shouldn't act like he had before. He had to act like he didn't care. Just like Jude didn't want to care about him. The thought made him too sad and he tried to shove it away, thought to forget it altogether was an impossibility.

"You don't have to stay here," Jude said. "But, if you aren't here when I come home from work, then I really don't ever want to talk to you again, okay?"

Connor nodded. "What time do you get home from work?"

"Two. Um, I won't be home for a break."

"Okay. I'll … I'll be here at two. I promise. I want to see you again. I don't want it to be 'never again'."

"We'll see, I guess. That might be how it has to be. I don't know if I can keep looking at you. I just don't."

Connor nodded, but he couldn't even muster up any more words for that. Jude put his coffee mug in the sink and then he walked out, not even saying goodbye. Connor stood still in the kitchen until he heard the lock click and then he made it to the couch. He picked his cell phone up off the coffee table and called his father.

"Hello, Connor? Are you all right?"

"Dad," Connor sobbed, "Dad, I screwed up."

"Are you all right? Are you safe?"

"Y-y-yes, but I … I screwed up. Bad. I can't take it back but I want to take it back."

"Connor, we can fix it. You just have to tell me what's wrong."

"We can't fix it. We can't."

"Tell me what happened anyway," Adam urged. "We can talk about it. We can see if we can fix it."

Connor knew that there was no repairing what had happened between he and Jude. He could do nothing but be with Jude, in whatever way Jude would take him. Not only was it what Connor wanted, but he knew that he owed that much to do. But with tears rolling down his cheeks, Connor confessed everything to his father. It was, at the very least, good to trust somebody else.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **War Of Hearts**_ **by Russell Taylor. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	63. Lover, Please Stay

Jude walked down the hill to his apartment, his heart thudding inside of his chest. He didn't know if Connor would be inside; he wasn't sure if he wanted Connor to still be inside. Being without Connor had been hard, but that hadn't been the tip of the iceberg. He had lost too much in the time they'd been apart. Jude hadn't thought any of them would ever come back. Connor, he supposed, was the only one who really had a chance to. If Jude let him. If Jude wanted to let him. But Jude had no idea what he wanted right now. Especially not from Connor. The thought of anything romantic right now was almost repulsive. He just missed his sister. He just wanted Callie. Anything beyond that was almost inconceivable. What right did he have to be happy, to be okay, when she was gone?

Not that he'd been even close to feeling happy or okay.

Jude unlocked his front door. The apartment smelt of food and Jude almost felt hungry. He hadn't felt that much in weeks. Connor was in the kitchen. It was a familiar sight. It would have been easy to saunter to him, wrap his arms around Connor's waist, and bury his head into Connor's shoulder. Jude shouldn't. He knew he shouldn't.

"Hi, Jude! How was work?"

Long. The days kicked and dragged and it all felt harder than it should. Jude locked the door behind him and walked into the kitchen.

"Was it good?" Connor asked, and he almost sounded hopeful that it could be.

Jude felt his face tremble. It was hard enough to keep up his mask of 'everything's fine' when he was in front of people but he couldn't do it at home. His legs trembled and he fell against Connor, just like he had last night. It was so easy to just let Connor catch him and hold him as he cried.

"J-Jude?" Connor whispered in his ear. "Um, I hope … h-h-ope it's okay. Um, someday."

It couldn't ever be, but Jude tried to take some comfort from it. He let Connor hug him.

"Talk, please," Jude said.

"Sure," Connor said. "Well, I went grocery shopping. Um, I still have your key. If you want it back you can have it back, but, um, I used it today. The grocery store wasn't very crowded and – Oh."

Jude had to sit. His legs weren't going to hold him anymore. He slumped to the ground, his back to the cupboard. Connor followed him down to the floor, sitting next to him. Jude needed space, now, and Connor let him have it.

"I liked that it wasn't crowded, you know? I still wore my hoodie and my hat. I guess I'm still a little paranoid, but, nothing weird happened. It was just grocery shopping. I made cupcakes. I don't know if you want to eat them, but I made them, for you. I also made my mom's shrimp alfredo. You didn't have much food, Jude."

"I didn't think about it."

"Well, that's okay," Connor said. "You've been dealing with a lot."

"And you've been most of it!" Jude didn't care if it was unfair or not. "It started with you! I couldn't be there to talk to Callie when she said she thought Taylor was having problems with work and I said just trust her, Taylor's fine, but I hadn't really talked _to_ Taylor because I was so busy talking _about_ you, that I ignored her problems. I didn't see her drinking getting a lot worse. I didn't see that she had stopped caring about literally everyone and everything and I had no idea that she was going to do something so stupid and dangerous! And it all started with you, Connor! You're my biggest problem!"

Seeing tears roll down Connor's face still broke Jude's heart, but he forced himself to turn away from it now.

"I'm going to shower."

"Do, um, do you want me here?"

"I don't want to be alone," Jude said, but he knew that it wasn't the same thing. He knew Connor knew it wasn't the same thing. But he didn't take it back and he didn't change it. He left Connor sitting on the floor and then he locked himself in his bathroom.

It was easier to stand in the shower and just let the warm water fall over him than it was to think of anything, but the thoughts were never-ending and intrusive. He ended up thinking of Callie's funeral. He thought of how the day had been warm but he had felt so cold the entire time. Cold enough that despite the steam and the heat of the water, Jude's veins turned to ice and he ended up shivering. He dropped the shampoo bottle and it landed heavily on his feet, but Jude felt nothing from it at all. He just stared at the shampoo bottle, feeling his heart sink. He had to go through the motions. He had to keep going through the motions. If he let himself stop, he knew that he would never start again, and he had to keep going. For his mothers, for the rest of his family, for Callie's memory. Maybe for himself, but Jude wasn't so sure on that one.

He picked up the shampoo bottle. His arms felt heavy and it was effort to get them above his head to clean his hair. He was grateful to be done his shower, but when he turned the water off, he just stood there in the wet tub, letting the cooler air slip in. Goosebumps prickled on his skin and Jude inhaled and exhaled slowly, looking at the edge of the tub. That felt like too much of a hurdle too, but he picked up his legs and made it out. He didn't bother to take much time in drying off and pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt. He ran the towel over his hair one more time and went back to the main part of his apartment. Connor was still in the kitchen, drying off the last of the dishes.

Connor turned his head, the edges of his lips twitching as if he were trying to make himself smile. "H-h-how are you feeling?"

Jude shrugged.

"Would you like to eat something?"

"Sure," Jude said.

"I got you the bakery rolls you like," Connor said. "I thought it might make things feel a little better. Or, at least, it might be something to eat. I know it can be hard to eat sometimes."

"Thanks."

Jude slumped in his usual tall stool and Connor served him a small plate. Jude managed another thanks. The food smelt good but his stomach didn't rumble and his mouth didn't water. Jude left the fork beside the plate and just started tearing the roll apart. He didn't glance over as Connor took a seat, leaving one between them. Another sign of how different things were.

"Would you, um, like water or anything?"

"Connor, stop."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "What did I do?"

"I need you to stop acting like you care –"

"I do care!"

"I don't want to know! I don't need to know! You aren't allowed to care, do you get that? You're the one that destroyed everything!" Jude slammed his hand down on the counter top; out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connor nearly fall out of his chair. "Fuck you! You can't care!"

Anger pulsing and tears about to fall, Jude gripped the edge of the counter, trying to focus on the bread crumbs that had fallen there instead of on Connor. He couldn't help but notice Connor get up and Jude thought he was going to leave. His heart tore, but he couldn't bring himself to open his mouth and say 'stay'. He knew he'd throw up if he tried. Connor walked around to the kitchen, he poured a glass of water, and sat it down next to Jude's plate. Jude watched the water ripple against the side of the glass and then he broke again, the tears sliding down his face. He turned, and Connor was already right there, arms outstretched.

"I understand, Jude," Connor whispered. "I understand."

"I don't!" Jude sobbed. "Nothing makes sense anymore!"

"It won't, for a long time," Connor murmured. "But hopefully it'll be faster for you than it was for me. You'll never not miss her, Jude, but it'll get easier to be happy about remembering her."

"She shouldn't be gone!"

"No, she shouldn't."

"Fuck Taylor!"

"Yes," Connor agreed. "Just say what you need to."

"She was my best friend! And I hate her! She was supposed to care about me! And so were you! You were supposed to care about me but you didn't! You just left me! I _loved_ both of you!"

"I'm sorry. It's not enough, Jude, I'm sorry."

It'd never be enough. There would never be enough words or enough actions. Things were broken – _too_ broken. It couldn't be put together with the snap of fingers or a hug or bakery rolls.

"Jude," Connor said, "um, your phone is ringing."

"Is it five?"

"Um, yes."

"Doesn't matter."

Taylor called, every day, at five o'clock. She wasn't sitting in prison, waiting on a trial. She was out on bail, kept at her parents' house, until the court decided what to do with her. Jude hated to be so bitter about her, because he grew up with her and he loved her, but he hoped she went to prison for a few years. He hoped her life was ruined by what she had done, because his life would never be the same. But no matter what did end up happening to Taylor, Jude knew that he'd never be able to talk to her again. He would never be able to sit through her apology, knowing that he would never believe she was sorry. _Callie_ had a licence, _Callie_ hadn't been drinking, _Callie_ could have driven home. Taylor should have told her to. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

"I can't sit here anymore," Jude said. "I can't breathe."

He pushed Connor away and inhaled deeply, but that didn't help the crushing feeling on his lungs.

"Can I help?" Connor asked, his eyes wide and looking bright green.

"Come with me," Jude said.

Connor nodded. Jude grabbed his keys from the counter. He waited for Connor to ask where they were going or even drag his heels and ask to put the food away first. He was usually so attentive about that sort of thing. But Connor didn't. He put his shoes on and held the door open for Jude and they went up to the car. Jude didn't have a destination in mind. He just wanted to drive, as if he could get away from everything that had happened before. Connor sat in the passenger seat and he rolled down the window as they started down Jude's street.

Jude didn't know how to say it, but he was so glad to have someone else sitting in the car with him. He was so glad that he wasn't alone anymore, but he didn't know how glad he was that it was Connor who was sitting next to him. He still couldn't look at Connor without feeling his heart ache.

"Jude?"

"What?" Jude snapped, tightening his hand on the wheel.

"Oh, um, may I-I … Oh, could I stay with you again tonight? Please, may I?"

"Yeah. But I have class tomorrow."

"Me too."

"I can drop you off in the morning." Jude stopped in front of a crosswalk and exhaled. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you keep staying with me? I can't stand to be alone at night anymore and it … it means a lot to me that you're here."

It wasn't a lie but it didn't feel right to say.

"Yes," Connor said. "I'd really like that. Thank you, Jude."

"It's not forever," Jude said, letting the car move forward again. "It's not us going back to the way things were."

"I know, but, thank you."

"Let's just drive now, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed, and forward they went.

(-.-)

Connor woke the next morning, sweaty and heavy. He shifted slightly and opened his eyes. Sometime, during the night, Jude had rolled into him. Their legs were tangled together and Jude's head was on his shoulder. Jude was still fast asleep and he looked so peaceful. More than he had last night. He'd cried himself to sleep. Connor hadn't known how to help; he'd been left stranded on the other side of the bed, even after murmuring Jude's name and touching Jude's back. Connor gently touched the skin of Jude's hands and Jude's eyes opened. Connor stared down into his brown eyes for a moment and then Jude rolled away. Connor wished that he hadn't but it wasn't as if he were in a place to ask for Jude to come back.

But Connor missed Jude's body, warm against his own. He couldn't believe he'd destroyed them so easily. He leant onto his elbow as Jude sat up, his shirt riding up as he stretched.

"What's that?" Connor blurted, his hand reaching out toward Jude's side before he remembered that he wasn't allowed to anymore.

"Oh." Jude angled to the side, lifted his shirt. "I got a tattoo."

Connor inched closer. It was low on Jude's ribs, about the size of his hand. It was of a young woman, a camera held up to her face so that most of her features were covered. Still, Connor knew who it was supposed to be.

"It's beautiful."

"From a real photo. Mariana says it looks exactly like her. I think it's close enough," Jude said and he dropped his shirt.

"It looks really good. The artist did a good job."

"Thanks. We should get ready."

Jude pushed off the bed and went to his dresser, gathering clothes. The alarm wasn't set to go off for another twenty minutes and Connor made took advantage of the time, putting coffee on and starting scrambled eggs on the stove. Jude came out of the bathroom.

"Breakfast?" he asked, and he sounded surprised.

"You barely ate even half a roll last night," Connor said. "I just thought you might like something small to go with your coffee."

"Thanks, bab – Connor."

Regret hit Connor like a tsunami. He missed the affectionate nickname from Jude; he missed everything about his relationship with Jude. He wanted to cry and beg Jude to take him back and that he would become a better person. He wouldn't make the same mistakes again, because Jude knew what was happening. He had confided that in Jude, like he should have from the very beginning. Connor looked at Jude's face and held his tongue. If he did that, Jude would send him away now, and Connor was going to treasure the few days grace that he had with Jude. For whatever reason, Jude wanted him here now, and Connor was going to make the best of that. He needed to be what Jude needed right now. It was the only thing he had left to do for someone who had meant so much to him.

"Jude, may I borrow a shirt, please? I don't want to wear mine three days in a row."

"T-shirts, top drawer, on the right."

"Thanks, Jude. Does it matter to you which one?"

"No, whatever you think will fit you best is fine."

Connor finished making Jude's coffee and left it on the counter for him and then went to Jude's dresser. He didn't like the feeling of rifling through Jude's things, particularly since they weren't dating anymore and Jude had made his new opinion of Connor very clear. He picked the first one off the top and went to the bathroom to get changed. He'd been washing the clothes he'd worn to Jude's originally every night but it would be nice to go back to his room and be able to pack a bag. Even to get a toothbrush so he could stop putting toothpaste on his finger and then using some of Jude's mouthwash. He hadn't dared complain, though, for risk of Jude sending him away.

He'd do almost anything to get to stay in Jude's life and that scared him. But he wasn't going to run away. He'd learnt that lesson again and again, but he thought it was really going to stick this time around. He couldn't run away just because he was scared. He got ready for the day and then went back out to join Jude. They sat next to one another and ate their breakfast, but it was quiet. Quiet enough that it made Connor's stomach hurt and he thought he might have ended up eating even less than Jude did.

"Okay, let's go," Jude said. "We can't be late and you need to go get your books."

"Right," Connor said. "Right. Let's go."

Connor locked his bike in Jude's apartment and then followed him up the hill. He missed the days when Jude would open his car door for him, laughing as they took off somewhere. Or, at least, something a little more comfortable. Jude was so tense; there was nothing Connor could do about it, and that hurt too. He wanted nothing more than to be able to help Jude but he didn't know what to do at all. He was grateful that the drive to campus was short. Connor watched Jude's face the entire time they drove, thinking of the first few times he'd gone to Jude's. He'd been so scared, just about Jude's presence. And then he remembered, sitting here, and being so scared that Jude would expect a kiss as Gerald was parked in the nano dorm parking lot. As Jude stopped in a parking spot, Connor thought of the things he'd give for Jude to want to kiss him now, because Connor wanted to kiss him again, so badly.

"I'll be right here at seven-thirty," Jude said.

"I'll be waiting," Connor promised.

"Or hiding upstairs," Jude said. "I guess we'll see tonight."

"I'll be here. We'll have dinner, okay? We'll find a movie, if you want. Maybe something funny?" Connor suggested, aware that he was starting to sound desperate. "Maybe you'll smile."

"Think about movies, all right, Connor? I'll be here at seven-thirty."

Connor knew it was a dismissal and he got out of the car, standing on the sidewalk until Jude was out of sight. He wrapped his arms around himself and Jude's scent billowed up from the t-shirt. It would be fine. He'd see Jude in a few hours. Things were going to be fine.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Lover, Please Stay**_ **by Nothing But Thieves. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	64. Safe

A rocky routine developed over the next few days. Jude would go to work and class, Connor would go to class. They watched movies, sitting on opposite sides of the couch, and they didn't talk a lot. Jude cried often, and that was one of two times that Connor was allowed to hold him again. The other was at night. No matter how they had gone to bed at night, they always woke up wrapped around each other in the morning. And Connor was so glad that he often woke early than Jude, because he got to treasure those moments where Jude was close to him again. On Jude's days off, when Connor was finished class, they would go for long drives. Jude liked to do that now. Sometimes they listened to the radio, but Jude seemed to prefer listening to the wind rushing in the car windows. Connor had taken to keeping food like cold chicken and salads in the fridge so that he could quickly pack the cooler and follow Jude out the door. And it was one of the few things that Connor could consistently get Jude to eat – that and the bakery rolls. Jude was losing weight and, though Connor was worried, he didn't know how to talk to Jude about it, though he didn't have to. He knew Stef and Lena had mentioned it to him, but only because he had gotten out of the shower earlier than Jude expected, and he overheard Jude on the phone with them.

It was Wednesday evening and Jude had just gotten off work. Connor was seated on the floor, doing his Thursday's readings at the coffee table, while Jude was laying on the couch, channel flipping. On the edge of the coffee table, Jude's phone began to vibrate. Connor glanced over and saw Taylor's name.

"Are you ever going to answer her?" Connor asked.

"No."

"Why not tell her that?"

"I shouldn't have to," Jude said. "She should know."

"She loved you too."

"That doesn't matter."

"Jude –"

"Connor!" Jude sat up and Connor turned to face him, leaning back. He didn't like the feeling of Jude towering above him. "What if it had been a man that killed your mother instead of cancer?"

"I, um, don't know." He'd never thought about it.

"I just need to cut her out of my life. Nothing could ever be the same, so why put either of us through something that's just going to be painful?"

Connor wasn't sure if he was reading too much into it or if Jude might have actually been talking about more than Taylor. "Forgiveness is supposed to help."

"Do you forgive your ex for everything he did to you? If he showed up right now, would you talk to him like you _forgave_ him?"

"It's different," Connor whispered.

"It's not and I don't want to talk about it. Taylor can rot in hell for all I care." Jude slumped back against the couch, his arms cross tightly over his chest.

Connor glanced at his notebooks and then at Jude's legs. He rested his head against Jude's shins. "I'm sorry. It wasn't my place, was it?"

"No." Jude's arms unfurled and his arms fell to his sides. In Connor's opinion, he seemed to have a harder time holding onto his anger lately. "When it comes to this, I don't want you to give advice or bring it up first. I just want you to listen to me."

"I can do that. I'm a good listener, Jude."

"I know. What are you working on?"

"Poetry."

"Anything good?" Jude asked. "You promised to read to me, remember?"

"I remember." Connor picked up the course packet. "It's mostly been love poems so far."

"I don't mind hearing about love," Jude said. "Just because it doesn't work out for me doesn't mean it's not real."

Connor was glad that Jude still believed in love. It made him hopeful.

"Come sit up here and read to me," Jude invited, shifting his legs.

"Then we eat dinner."

"Then we eat dinner," Jude agreed. "Come here, ba –" Jude grimaced. "Come here, please."

It also made Connor hopeful that Jude was still making that mistake, but he didn't know if that would just come back to hurt him in the end. He pushed himself up on the couch, spreading the booklet across his lap.

"Um. This one is by Lang Leav. It's called _Afraid To Love,_ " Connor said, feeling self-conscious as Jude turned the TV off and focused completely on him. _"I turn away and close my heart – to the promise of love that is luring. For the past has taught to not be caught, in what is not worth pursuing – To never do the thing I've done that once had led to my undoing."_

"Rhymes make things seem nicer, don't they?"

"Yes," Connor agreed, "but at lot of these don't rhyme."

"That's okay. Read me some more?"

"Sure. I've got five or six short ones left," Connor said, turning the next page and trying to count quickly.

Jude nodded and Connor slowly started to read again. He worked his way through the rest of the poems quickly. The first four were about love, one was about a cat, and then, the last one, was about love once more. He cleared his throat and glanced at Jude, who had gotten closer during the readings, but not so close that Jude was resting against him.

 _"I'll throw my voice into the stars and maybe the echo of my words will be written for you in the clouds by sunrise. All I am trying to say is: I will love you through the darkness,"_ Connor read slowly, the formatting of the poem keeping him moving at a snail's pace. "Christopher Poindexter."

Jude didn't have a comment for that one at all. Connor put the book down on the coffee table and faced Jude, who let out a little sigh before getting to his feet.

"Food. I promised."

Jude held out his hands and Connor stared at them. It took him a moment to realize that Jude was offering him help up. It had been so long since Jude hadn't been in the depths of sadness and had initiated physical contact. Connor slid his hands into Jude's large, warm ones and let Jude pull him up. Jude didn't back up and Connor nearly tipped into them. They were chest to chest, Jude's face close to his, and Connor's heart bled with want. He tightened his grip on the hand that he hadn't let go of.

"Those eyes," Jude murmured.

"Jude –"

Whatever Connor might have said was lost as his cell phone rang this time. Jude let go of his hand and walked off to the kitchen while Connor picked up his cell phone.

"Hi, Dad. How are you?"

"I'm doing good. How are you? How's your paranoia?"

"Dr. Scott and I keep talking about it. It's not as bad anymore. I still wear my hat outside most of the time. But the odds of him finding me are big. I know that. I just have to remember that."

"And how's Jude?"

"On the mend," Connor said, turning to watch Jude in the kitchen. He dropped his voice and whispered, "It's a long road."

"Grief is like that," Adam said. "How are you and Jude?"

"I'm not sure," Connor admitted. "But I think it's unfair of me to expect anything. I just want to be his friend."

"That's a mature way to look at it," Adam said. "I was calling to talk about your birthday."

"It's not that soon," Connor said.

"Connor, it's less than two weeks away."

Connor bit his lip. Right. He supposed that was quite soon. "What about it?"

"I was thinking that you should go out for a nice birthday dinner. Take the card I gave you, okay? It'll be a gift from me on your birthday. You and Jude could go out, you could even take Jake and Amy if you wanted to."

"Dad, I told you that I haven't talked to Jake in a long time."

"That doesn't mean you can never talk to him again," Adam said. "Sometimes people need breaks for personal reasons. I thought you'd realized that you can't hide from life."

"I know, but, I'm just not there yet. He doesn't know about my past or anything. I don't think it'd be fair to make him get involved. And, you know, if something happened, if I were to be found, Jake might not see a problem with telling anyone where I was. Jude wouldn't say anything."

"Think about it, anyway. I still think it would be nice if you and Jude, at least, went out somewhere. I want you to do something nice for your birthday, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you, Dad."

"Have a nice night, Connor, I love you."

"You too."

Connor hung up his phone and placed it next to Jude's on the coffee table.

"What was that about?"

Connor explained, walking into the kitchen to pour drinks to go with the plates Jude had prepared.

"I forgot your birthday was so close," Jude said, and he really did sound apologetic about it.

"It's okay, Jude. It's not like you had any reason to try and remember and you've been going through a lot lately."

Jude's hands stilled over the potato salad he was covering. "Connor, I'd say we're sort-of friends, wouldn't you?"

"Yes," Connor whispered, and he sounded breathless. "I mean, I'd like to think so. We're … Um, we're more than strangers, aren't we?"

"Yeah." Jude gently nudged his shoulder against Connor's in a casual, familiar, intimate-feeling gesture. "So, your birthday?"

"We don't have to do anything," Connor said. "It's just another day."

"No, it's your birthday and you made a big deal out of mine."

"We were dating then."

"It's not like I stopped caring about you the minute you left," Jude said, passing Connor his plate. "That's the worst part. Life would be a lot easier if I had."

"I wouldn't be standing here if you had."

"No," Jude agreed, and, though Connor hadn't been expecting him to deny it, he had underestimated how much it hurt to really hear it.

"Do you still –"

"Yes, but I don't want to and I really don't want to talk about it," Jude said. "But I need someone and I can't burden my moms anymore. You're all I have left. For whatever that's worth," he added bitterly.

"I'm sorry."

"Sure," Jude said. "Let's eat."

Dinner was silent and the stool they left between them now felt like a canyon. Connor picked at his chicken, eating as Jude did.

"So," Jude said, "what would you like to do for your birthday?"

"Nothing special," Connor insisted. "It's just a day."

"No food you want? Nowhere you want to go?"

Connor shook his head. "I would … would like to spend it with you."

"For sure. So, why don't you let me find somewhere? Let me do some planning?"

"You don't have to do that."

"I know," Jude said. He met Connor's eyes. "Is it okay if I want to?"

"Thank you, Jude."

"Something with cake," Jude said. "A good birthday should always have cake."

"That sounds about right."

Connor couldn't look away from Jude's face. He wanted to reach over, hold their hands together, hug him until his arms cramped from being in the same position for so long. He had to put it away. He had to not feel it anymore. But, even after barely a week in Jude's apartment, that was becoming more and more impossible to do.

"Just trust me, okay?"

"I do. You know I do."

"What if nothing I knew about you is true?"

"It all was, except for those texts."

"I need time to figure that out."

"You can have whatever you need. I just want to be here for you. If it doesn't work out, then I'll always be sorry about it, but I won't ever blame you for it."

"Just words," Jude said.

"It's all about words."

"Three, specifically," Jude said.

It wasn't until he was lying in bed that night, Jude already asleep and tangled in his blue comforter, that Connor figured out what Jude was talking about.

 _I love you_.

(-.-)

Jude woke the next morning, his heart pounding in his chest. He'd been dreaming about Callie and about being in the car when the car accident happened. He'd been in the backseat, unable to do anything, unable to save her. He had just sat and watched. But when the windshield broke, he startled awake, just as he always did and grabbed onto Connor, who was still sleeping. Connor wrapped his arm around Jude.

"Nightmares?" he asked, voice thick with sleep.

"Yes," Jude said, and he hid down inside the blanket, hiding his head against Connor's side.

"It's okay, I've got you."

It wasn't okay. It would never be okay. _Okay_ wasn't a word that applied anymore. But Connor's reassurance helped.

"I hate how every morning I have to wake up and remember that it happened all over again," Jude said. "Why isn't it just a bad dream?"

"I don't know. It should be."

Callie deserved to live. She hadn't done anything. She had just been trying to help. He tried to push the tears down. He had felt like he'd been crying for a month straight and the pain was still so real, but he thought that it might be time to try to stop, to try and deal with it in a different way than breaking down. He wasn't sure what that different way was but, one thing he knew for sure, is that Callie wouldn't take anything lying down. She would be strong, putting one foot in front of the other, and he had to try and do that. He had to try and be more like her. She had been his role model for his entire life and now he had to live up to the standards that she had set.

He had to live on, but that was easier said than done.

He poked his head out of the blanket, his head resting on Connor's arm. He felt Connor's hand in his hair, like Connor remembered how much he liked it and how it made him feel better. Connor probably did remember, but Jude still wasn't sure if he wanted him too. Just because he still felt for Connor didn't mean that he wanted to be with him again. How could he do that when he felt like he couldn't trust him?

Could he trust him?

Jude closed his eyes. It was too much to deal with at once and he just felt so tired.

"Go back to sleep, Jude," Connor said. "There's still time."

He had been so careful not to fall asleep in Connor's arms, though Jude always put himself there when he did his usual two a.m. wake-up. Now, Jude didn't care, and he turned, his head on Connor's forearm and his back against Connor's side. Behind him, Connor hesitantly shifted around until he was spooned against Jude's back, his head tucked down against Jude's head, and it felt like it used to. It felt like nothing at all had changed.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes," Jude answered.

Connor's arm slid around his waist and it felt like a puzzle piece dropping into a place, like something becoming whole. It brought a sense of peace to Jude's broken heart and another tear slipped from his eye. He didn't know what to do at all.

 _One foot in front of the other_ , he reminded himself. It was the only way to survive now.

(-.-)

Connor slid the casserole he'd made into the oven and shut the door, turning to look in the fridge. He'd spent his Saturday focusing on the strawberry dessert he'd made for Jude and he tonight, thinking that it would cheer Jude up, even a little bit. There wasn't a lot to it, it just needed a lot of time to sit but it looked ready.

The door opened and Jude walked in.

"Hey, how was work?"

"Today felt hard," Jude said. "One of those days."

He kicked off his shoes and went straight to the couch, not even bothering to change out of his work shirt. He collapsed onto the cushions and kicked his feet up on the other end of the couch. Connor crept out of the kitchen and leant on the back of the couch.

"Can I help?"

"I don't know, Connor. I just want to be able to be happy about something but I don't have anything to be happy about."

Connor reached his hand down and gently touched Jude's forearm. Jude's hand grabbed onto his own.

"Anything," Jude said. "I want to be happy about anything, even if it doesn't last."

Connor remembered what it felt like to be in that place. He remembered thinking the same thing, his mind on his mother and everything he had lost.

"Want to have dessert before dinner?" Connor suggested. "Or dessert _for_ dinner?"

Jude used his free hand to wipe at his eyes, though Connor couldn't see any tears falling. "Do you think that's really going to work?"

"It can't hurt to try, can it?"

"No," Jude agreed. "I guess it can't."

"Besides," Connor added softly, "it's _your_ sad day rule."

Connor paused and watching Jude's face for a moment, just to make sure that Jude also remembered what he was talking about. When he saw that small smile and glimmer of recognition, he turned and hurried back to the kitchen, collecting the large mixing bowl from the fridge and two large spoons. It was too much and it was too decadent for the two of them to finish off in one sitting, but he figured that it didn't matter quite so much right now. He circled around to the couch and Jude had sat up, allowing him space to settle on his usual part of the couch. He offered Jude a spoon.

"Looks good, babe."

Connor didn't know if Jude just hadn't noticed his slip up or if he had really decided not to care anymore, and he hoped it was the latter. He hoped it meant something, but he didn't comment on it. He just offered Jude a spoon and Jude gently clicked the metal against Connor's own spoon.

"Cheers?" Connor said and the smallest smirk washed over Jude's face.

"Cheers."

Jude dug his spoon into the side of the bowl. He fit it into his mouth and picked up the remote, turning the TV on and letting the same channel they'd nearly fallen asleep watching last night start to play again. It was another reality show, this one about athletes trying to battle their way through an impossible looking obstacle course.

Jude took his second bite.

"What do you think?"

"I think it wasn't the worst idea in the world," Jude said. "It does make me feel kind of better."

"Good, I'm glad."

"You don't have to sound so awkward around me. You can talk to me like you used to."

"I think I do," Connor said. "I just think you've stopped finding it quirky or endearing."

"I don't know if that's true. I guess I just miss how things used to feel because I was happy. Everything felt right."

On the table, Jude's phone began to ring. Jude shifted the bowl into Connor's lap and turned it off and then he melded back against Connor, sliding Connor's arm around his shoulders. They sat and ate and it felt to Connor that it could be like it used to. He trailed his fingers across the bare skin of Jude's arm, sliding it up underneath the sleeve of his shirt.

Jude let out a soft snort. "That kind of tickles."

"Sorry."

Jude dipped his spoon into the dessert again and held it up to Connor's mouth. "You haven't been eating a lot of this. Trying to make me fat?"

"No, but you could probably gain some weight again."

"Are you saying I look bad?"

"No," Connor said. "I wouldn't think that but, um, it doesn't necessarily make you look better."

"Looks aren't really my focus right now."

"Maybe they should be," Connor said. "It wouldn't hurt to focus on something else, you know? It doesn't mean you don't care about what happened or that you've forgotten. You're allowed to think about other things."

"I know."

Connor moved Jude's thin hair out of his eyes. "You could start with a hair cut."

Jude let out a laugh and it sounded genuine. The sound lifted Connor's heart, made him feel like he could take off flying. He had forgotten just what Jude's real laugh sounded like.

"It's not so bad to smile, is it?"

Jude looked up at him, a slight smile on his face still. He didn't reply, but he lifted his spoon to Connor's lips again. Connor took the bite off the end.

"It's not so bad to eat some of the dessert, is it?" Jude asked.

"No, it's not."

"Neither's smiling," Jude said.

Jude put his head back against Connor's shoulder, snuggling in. Connor held onto him and rested his head against Jude's, inhaling the scent of him.

"I'm going to change the channel," Jude said. "I can't watch this while eating strawberries and whip cream."

"And Jell-O," Connor added.

Jude chuckled softly. "Even more reason to change it."

"Let's watch something funny," Connor suggested. He thought it might cheer Jude up, even just temporarily, and he wanted to hear Jude laugh again.

"Let's see what there is," Jude said.

He kept channel surfing and Connor let his hand slip further down Jude's body until he had an arm around Jude's waist. Jude dropped his spoon in the dessert bowl and dropped his hand on top of Connor's. Connor thought he was going to be pushed away, but, instead, Jude drew his arm tighter around his body so they were snuggled together. Connor never wanted to move again.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Safe**_ **by Katie Armiger. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	65. Black And Blue

"I'm fine, Mom," Jude said, glancing at the time on Gerald's dashboard. Quarter after eight. He only had a bit of time. Connor thought he was getting off work at nine and that was when they were supposed to meet back at his apartment for dinner.

"Jude, you haven't been talking to us," Lena said, "and we've been worried about you. Now is the time when you need your family."

"I know," Jude said. "I've just needed space."

And Jude couldn't rest against them. He didn't want to be the one that broke Stef and Lena in the end, because the burdens that he'd been carrying were too much for them. He didn't want them to be thinking the same things that he was: that it was his fault Taylor had been with Callie in the first place, that he hadn't noticed the drinking that she was doing, that he had brought Taylor into their lives in the first place. It was all too much.

"You don't need to stay away. We need you too and we hate the thought of you being alone."

"I'm not alone," Jude said. "Connor's, um, been staying with me for a couple of weeks."

"You didn't mention that the last time we spoke."

"It didn't seem important," Jude said. "You know, it's not like we're dating or anything. He's just acting as support. He lost his mom and so he kind of understands."

Jude stopped in the parking spot and took his phone off speaker, holding it up to his ear as he got out of the car and hurried into the florist shop.

"If that's what helps you and isn't hurting you."

"It's not. I'm still an adult! I can still make my own mind up about things, you know?"

"I know," Lena said. "Is it so bad to worry about you?"

"No," Jude admitted, deflating. "I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a lot."

"We understand," Lena said. "We'd like it if you came home soon, though. We'd like to see you."

"Next week or the week after, I promise," Jude said. "Depends on work and classes, you know?"

"You call us," Lena said. "Have a good night, Jude."

"I love you."

"I love you too. I'll tell Mom you said 'hi'."

"Yeah, please do. I'll talk to you both soon."

After saying his goodbyes, Jude stuffed his phone in his pocket and picked up a large cactus that had a red bloom on the top. Red flowers. He was supposed to get red flowers for Connor for Valentine's Day. For whatever reason, red flowers were what Connor liked. He took the cactus to the counter and paid for it. He hurried back out to Gerald and put the cactus on the floor, speeding home. He made it just a few minutes before nine. He scooped up the cactus and hurried down the hill. Connor's bike wasn't out front yet and the lights were still off.

Jude turned his main light on and then he hid the cactus under the sink. Connor's birthday wasn't until tomorrow, after all. He closed the cupboard door and then he jumped up on the counter, looking out over his small apartment. He'd often spent nights alone here and had enjoyed it, even, particularly after a long night of work filled with customers that just seemed to drain most of his energy. Now, the apartment felt empty without Connor, though he seemed to fill every space. His books were stacked on the coffee table, he had clothes packed in the bottom drawer of Jude's dresser, and his fridge was brimming with Connor's favourite foods. It was almost as if Connor fully lived here now. Which, Jude supposed by most definitions, he did.

The lock turned and Connor opened the front door, his backpack swung over his shoulder.

"Jude! I didn't expect you to be home already!"

Home felt warmer, now that Connor was here, his long hair swinging into his eyes.

"I know. It was slow, so I left five minutes early," Jude lied. "It doesn't matter but, little victories, right?"

"Right," Connor said.

"Come here, for a sec, would you?"

Connor shut and locked the door behind him, carefully took off his shoes, and left his bag resting against the arm of the couch. Another thing that Jude had noticed since Connor had come to stay with him was that his apartment seemed to be a lot cleaner. Connor padded into the kitchen, looking at Jude with expectations in his eyes.

"I took the day off tomorrow, for your birthday."

Connor's eyes lit up first, a smile on his face. The smile made Jude's heart skip and before he thought about it, he reached for Connor, drawing him in for a hug. Connor hugged him back and it felt as close and as intimate as they had done before. Jude's long legs fell on either side of Connor's thighs and Connor's head was snuggled into Jude's collarbone. Jude tightened his grip on Connor and Connor held him back.

"Jude," he whispered, and the want in his voice flared the feelings within Jude that he wanted to keep hidden.

Jude felt his head moving downward, his lips on the soft skin of Connor's cheek. It was too much. He wasn't ready to deal with the pain that came with Connor's leaving and coming back, but he didn't want to give Connor up. The balancing act between those two things made him breathless. Almost as breathless as Connor's closeness did when Connor looked up at him, his light eyes striking.

"You, um, you … I …"

"Connor," Jude interrupted and Connor inhaled sharply. "I think I can guess what you're going to say."

"I told myself to hide it," Connor whispered. "That it wouldn't be fair to you if I didn't, because there was so much happening, but it's hard, Jude. I feel so much."

"Me too." Those eyes were his undoing, as they had been before, and the truth came spilling from his lips. It was so easy to be honest with Connor.

"So …"

"So," Jude said, "tomorrow's your birthday."

Connor nodded. "I remember."

"I was thinking we'd sleep in and then around noon, I would go and pick up a surprise birthday lunch, come back here for you, and we'd go for a nice drive."

"I like that plan."

"Maybe, after find a place to stop, we can eat and talk."

Connor's breath tickled Jude's face and Jude wanted nothing more than to close that gap and just let go again. He wanted to let himself free-fall, as if it would be easy to do it again. Jude really did think it would be easy to do again. Something about being with Connor just fit, like they were meant to be together. But Jude couldn't let those thoughts get away from him now.

"Talk about?" Connor asked, gently touching Jude's side. "This? Um, us?"

"Yeah and just talk. About the month apart. About feelings. About what we need to. We can have tonight to think about what we really want to say to make sure we get it right."

Connor's smile was soft and sweet and he rested his head back against Jude's shoulder. "That sounds really good to me."

"I can't promise what it'll lead to."

"I know. I'm just happy we're here."

Jude put his hand against the small of Connor's back, holding the two of them close together. "Know what?"

"What?"

"Me too."

"Really?"

"Really," Jude confirmed, the excitement in Connor's voice sending his heart spinning.

Connor picked his head up and his eyes were bright and swimming with excitement. He kissed Jude's cheek briefly and then backed away, as if scared of what he'd done. "I should start dinner."

"Let me help tonight," Jude said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm not usually home when you start dinner. I feel bad you do all the work."

"I don't mind. I don't really consider it work."

"Still, let me help."

"I'd like that."

"What are we making?"

"Mac and cheese. It's late. I'm feeling lazy."

"Nothing wrong with that," Jude said, and he put in the effort to smile at Connor. Being happy wasn't something that came casually to him yet, in the back of his head was still the thought of Callie and Taylor, of how things had changed, and they would never be as good as they once were, but, he had to admit, not everything about this moment was bad.

Connor brushed his hand as he placed the box of pasta in Jude's hand. Matter of fact, there were definitely some good things about right now.

(-.-)

"If you lend me your heart I vow not to break it. I'll keep it safe within mine so no one can take it and if ever you are lost with nowhere to roam reach for my hand and I'll guide you back home."

Jude glanced over at Connor, who was reading to him from the passenger seat. "I really like that one. What's it called?"

" _Keepsakes_ by Shelby … Shelby, uh, something. They cut off her last name on the photocopy. It looks like it starts with an 'L'."

"Hmm. I like how she writes," Jude said. He focused back on the road but it was hard to keep staring at the road when Connor looked like he did. Handsome, with his hair thrown around by the open window, looking sweetly down at the pages in front of him.

"Me too. Um, Jude, where are we going?"

"Not sure. Why, getting bored of driving with me?"

"No," Connor said. "I'm just … getting hungry."

"There's good food in the cooler."

"Makes me hungrier," Connor said.

"There's a place about ten or fifteen minutes away now. Think you can wait that long?"

"Yes. Thanks, Jude."

"For what?"

"Birthday lunch," Connor said.

"You haven't seen it yet," Jude said. "You might not like it."

"I have faith in you," Connor said. "When have you ever let me down?"

Jude couldn't help himself. He slid one hand off the steering wheel and draped it across the console. Connor grabbed onto him quickly, his fingers tight on the back of Jude's hand, as if Jude would change his mind and let go. But Jude didn't think he was going to change his mind. There was something solid and right about his hand in Connor's and the more time they were together again, the more that Jude realized that this was how he wanted it to be. It was why he'd fallen in love with Connor so quickly, it was why it had been so devastating when Connor had left, because he wanted Connor with him, because this was when he felt he best. Connor was the person he wanted to be his best for.

Jude pulled into the spot he was looking for: a large, grassy hill, overlooking the ocean. During the summer, it was an insanely crowded and busy spot. Now, in late March on a weekday, there wasn't another car around. Connor was peering out the window.

"Looking for someone?"

"Maybe," Connor answered. "But I think it would be obvious if we were followed."

"You're safe."

"When you say it I almost believe it."

"Come on, let's go find a place to sit."

Jude carried the cooler while Connor carried the blanket. It almost felt like their Christmas date – same cooler, same blanket, Jude had even bought the same cider, since they had liked it so much. It also felt right. He could hear the ocean waves crashing below and a slightly cool breeze washed across his face. The thought crossed his mind of whether or not Callie would have liked to photograph this place – though landscapes had never been her focus – and it was the only thing that sent his heart sagging. It was Connor's birthday and Jude wanted it to be a good day for the two of them.

Connor spread the blanket out and Jude kicked off his shoes. They sat cross-legged, the cooler between them.

"Open it up," Jude said, "it's your birthday."

Connor cracked it open, peering inside. "Oh, the cider! And … Did you get me a cake?"

"Just a little one," Jude said. "Sorry. I thought about trying to make one but I thought you would enjoy this one better. If you really want me to bake you a cake, though, I will. This weekend."

"It's sweet that you thought of it."

"What's a birthday without cake?" Jude asked.

"It's still great, Jude."

Connor pulled out the sandwiches and deli salads that Jude had picked up.

"You forgot glasses again."

"Well, I've kissed you before," Jude said. "It's not a big deal to share a bottle of something."

Connor picked up the cider, turning it over in his hands. Even though Jude was watching him, Connor kept staring at the label as he asked, "Am I ever going to kiss you again?"

"You don't even want to eat lunch before we talk?"

"I can multi-task."

"Okay, well, I can multi-task too."

Connor worked the top off the cider. "Um, I don't know how to start."

"I do," Jude said. "And I need to say this once and I need you to look at me when I do."

Connor picked his head up, meeting Jude's eyes.

"Fuck you. Fuck you for leaving me like you did. Fuck you for not talking to me. Fuck you for every bad decision that you had no right to make when I needed you. When I never expected you to be that person. _Fuck you_."

One tear fell from Connor's eye. "I deserved that."

"And I don't forgive you for that. It hurts when I think of it and sometimes it still makes me want to kick you out of my life. I loved you. I didn't deserve that."

"No, you didn't," Connor agreed. "And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I know and it's the fact that I believe you that I don't kick you out. That and the fact that I do want you here. I want you with me."

Connor bit down on his bottom lip. "You want me?"

"I didn't stop loving you when you left. I didn't stop loving you when you came back. I still feel that way. That's how you matter to me, sitting here, right now. I love you." The words felt right in his mouth. Saying them to Connor was right.

A tear fell from Connor's other eye.

Jude pushed the cooler and the cider bottle aside, edging closer to Connor. They sat, knee to knee, and Jude bent his forehead to rest against Connor's.

"My life has sucked since you left and … I didn't think it would get worse than that but it did. I can't believe how it did." Jude took a deep breath, holding back his tears. "But since you came back, you've been my brightest light. I meant what I said when I said I still didn't forgive you, though. That's going to take more time than we've had. I'm going to need to heal from Callie and Taylor and everything else that happened, but I know I will get there. I never wanted to break up with you in the first place."

"I never thought of us as broken up, Jude."

"Connor, do you want to get back together?"

"Yes. Since the moment I sent you those texts, I thought of you and being with you and I don't really think I realized how much I'd changed and how I felt around you until I didn't have you anymore. I want to be with you too."

Jude tilted his head, angling his lips toward Connor's. With a gasp, Connor brought his hand up, putting in between their mouths, blocking Jude.

"But …"

"But?"

How could there be a but, with everything Jude had just said and the way they had been acting recently?

"I need to tell you something. I need to be totally honest with you, right now, because after I say this, you might decide you don't want to be with me anymore. That'll be okay, I just want to make sure you have all the facts, so you know what decision you're making."

"I don't think I know what you're talking about."

Connor leant back, giving them space to breathe. His hand dropped to hold Jude's. "My ex is out of prison now. And if he finds us, he'll kill us. I'm not exaggerating because the last time I saw him, December before last, he tried to kill me. That's why he went to prison. Not because I was strong enough to report him for the abuse, but because he tried to kill me and … and he almost succeeded."

"Connor …"

Connor pulled at Jude's hand, sliding it underneath his shirt. Jude felt the thick rib scarring that he'd brushed his hand against before, but had never been allowed to ask about.

"Those scars I won't talk about, um, is from that." Connor closed his eyes. "It was December twenty-third. My ex had to go to work, because it wasn't Christmas yet. I was left home. I was always home. I was supposed to get a start on the baking and Christmas cooking. We were having his parents over that year instead of going to their house so there was a lot for me to do. There was a knock on the door and I th-thought it might be Mrs. Malone. They had moved in only a few months before. They were in their forties with kids. She'd come over before to borrow sugar or eggs. I wasn't supposed to give her anything. My ex said I wasn't supposed to feed the neighbourhood but she was nice. I thought if it was her, I'd probably be able to get away with giving her a little."

"Was it her?"

"No, it was my dad. I hadn't seen him since I was fifteen. We had a really big fight and when I r-r-ran, he didn't come after me. He just let me go. I hadn't expected to see him. I wasn't supposed to have guests in without my ex's permission. He liked to know who was in his house. I always thought that was reasonable. And he especially didn't want me to have male guests but he was just protective. I told myself it was because he loved me. Um, but I let Dad in. I knew what time my ex would be home. I thought he'd never know and, if he did, it was just my father. What kind of things would I get into with him?"

Jude ran his thumb over the edge of Connor's scar. He knew the story didn't have a happy ending but he was already cringing about what was coming.

"It was a nice visit. Dad said I should call him again, some time after the holidays. I told him I'd talk to my ex about it, maybe we could both come visit. Dad didn't look happy but I think, at that point, he'd accepted that he and I were a packaged deal, and that if he wanted to talk to me, he was going to have to put up with my ex. Um, so he left. In his car. He drove, right? And he left his car in the driveway. _He_ must have seen my dad's car in the driveway, at whatever point. When he came home he was so angry. He had a knife. That's what all those scars are, the ones I told you not to ask about. He stabbed me. He was stabbing me and stabbing me and I can remember him screaming about Dad because he didn't know who Dad was and he thought I was cheating on him, but I would never have. I loved him. I tried to tell him that. And then he wrapped his hand around my throat and that's the last memory that I have of him, because I went unconscious and he … he didn't stop. He kept beating me. It was only because Dad decided to come back … He said he wanted to try and make peace with my ex so he could see me on Christmas for once. He found me. What happened on my ribs was that he beat me so badly my ribs tore through my skin. And … He wanted me dead, Jude. He wanted to kill me. After all that, I still loved him. I would have gone back to him in a heartbeat if I'd been allowed."

Connor grabbed onto Jude, the tears flowing from his eyes in stark contrast to the monotone that he recounted his story in.

"I've got you, baby, I've got you."

"I just need you to, um, understand," Connor hiccoughed, his emotion finally breaking through. "It's dangerous. He'll kill me for sure and he'll do the same to you and that's why I ran away from you. I didn't want to see it happen to you! But you were right when you said that you should be able to make your own decisions and that's what I'm doing. This is your decision but I needed to make sure you have all the facts."

Connor picked his head up, his eyes on Jude's. Jude traced Connor's large scar again and his heart dropped. He felt Connor's stomach heave with his long breaths and then Jude's gaze fell to Connor's lips. He pressed forward and kissed him and it was as brief as their first kiss.

Connor's breath stopped. "Jude?"

"I choose you. I'm not going to live my life afraid of some man I've never met and probably never will. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with you."

"You mean that?"

"With everything I have."

Connor's large hands cradled Jude's head and Jude let himself relax into that hold. He had missed this.

"You make me happy."

"I hope so," Jude said. "I'm so sorry all that happened to you."

"It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault but his." Connor's jaw trembled. "I'm allowed to be happy with you."

"Yes," Jude confirmed.

The slow smile that crossed Connor's face lit up the world around him. Jude leant toward Connor again and Connor was moving toward him too. Their lips met gently. Jude moved slowly. He didn't know how far Connor would want to go; deep down, he wasn't even sure how far he wanted to go right now. But his hand was still on Connor's warm skin and he let it slide around to Connor's back. Their kiss deepened and one of Connor's hands left his face to meet Jude's waist. Jude wanted to be closer. Connor's hand pulled at Jude's shirt. Connor wanted him closer. Jude maneuvered his legs under him, climbing onto Connor's lap.

Connor's unstable balance sent them both tilting backward, Connor flat onto the blanket and Jude on top of him. Jude laughed and then Connor laughed too, though it was still shaky. He wiped at his eyes and Jude went to get off him, thinking he'd need space.

"No, stay. I don't mind you squishing me."

Jude slid his legs back over Connor's, leaning against Connor's chest.

"Jude, this means I'm your boyfriend again, right?"

Jude laughed. "Yes, baby, and I'm your boyfriend again."

"I was worried about when I told you that story," Connor whispered. "I thought that would be too much."

"No. It's not too much. I want the darkest parts of you and the brightest parts of you. I don't want to run away."

"I shouldn't have," Connor said. "And, for the record, I didn't want to."

"I know, baby."

"I've missed you calling me that."

"It was hard to stop saying."

"I noticed that too."

"I'm not so good at hiding my feelings for you."

"I don't think I really hid how I was feeling about you either," Connor said. "But, I think there was a good thing."

"Yeah?" Jude said. "What's that?"

"I've realized that _nothing_ about being with you is as scary as being without you or is scary compared to my past. I just feel a lot more confident in you and us."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So, you're going to stop counting the times I say 'I love you' in a day?"

"Are you still going to say that?"

"Yes."

Connor pressed a kiss to the side of Jude's neck. "I won't do my counts every day."

Jude grinned and then he rested his head against Connor's chest. The food was warming in the sun and he heard a car speed by, but neither of them moved. The breeze picked up and the waves seemed to be roaring, but it was the most beautiful day that Jude had experienced in a very long time. He listened to Connor's heart and he thought about how glad he was that Callie had gotten to meet Connor and that she liked him, even. It helped Jude feel like he was making the right choice. He threaded his fingers through Connor's.

Jude knew that he was making the right choice.

(-.-)

 _Boyfriend_.

Connor rolled his head over the back of the couch, watching Jude come out of the bathroom with his pyjamas on. Jude was his boyfriend again and he could hardly believe it. It was like a dream. He looked down at his journal. It was nice – more than nice – that he could finally see happy words looking back at him.

"Baby, close your eyes."

"Why?"

"I have one more birthday surprise for you but I couldn't wrap it."

"Okay."

"Promise your eyes are closed?"

"I promise!"

Connor listened to Jude move around and open a cupboard in the kitchen. He remembered when he couldn't even close his eyes, even knowing exactly where Jude was, without thinking that Jude was going to do something terrible to him. Now, Connor knew that Jude wasn't going to do anything to him. Jude wasn't going to surprise him or touch him. It was fine.

Something glass clinked against the coffee table.

"Okay, open up."

Connor opened his eyes and there was a tall, fat cactus sitting on the coffee table in front of him. There was a large red flower blooming off the top of it.

"It's beautiful. It's going to look great on the window sill with yours."

"Not in your room with your big collection?"

"Oh, well, it's … It wouldn't get enough sun," Connor stuttered. "And, I'm in my room so little now. I wouldn't see it."

Jude drummed his fingers on the tabletop. "Do you miss spending time in your room?"

"What?" Connor hadn't been expecting the question.

"Well, I just know you've been here most of the time and I'm really glad for that. I've really needed someone. I still think I do. But I also know you value your time alone. I don't want you to feel like you have to stay."

"Never," Connor said. "I haven't felt like that the entire time I've been here. I'm happy here. I don't feel smothered. You're at work and I still get my alone time. And I'm so sick of my room and of feeling miserable there. It just makes me think of bad things. And … if I'm not where I'm supposed to be, it'll be harder for anyone to find me."

"You can go, if you want to and then come back."

"I don't want to go. I feel at home here. More than I should."

Jude sat on the other end of the couch. "What's that mean?"

"It's your house, Jude, and it's not like we're going to move in together." Even though they had been essentially living together for so many weeks now, it wasn't the same as moving in together. Connor still went back to his dorm room, to get different clothes and to take care of his cactuses, despite the fact that his clothes pile at Jude's was growing and that he definitely had a presence here now – he had two pairs of shoes by the door and his toothbrush sat beside Jude's.

"No," Jude agreed. "We're not but I still want you to feel at home here."

"I do," Connor said. "And I think that's because I know that I can leave and back to my room if I want to but I just don't want to. I know you want me here and here is where I want to be. N-not just because of that, though," he added hurriedly, seeing the look on Jude's face. "I don't want it just because I know you do."

Jude smiled at him, trailing his fingers down the long sleeves of Connor's shirt. Connor flipped his hand over when Jude reached his wrist, holding onto him. They were together again; there was nothing that could happen to him now that was better than that.

"I'm just happy you're going to keep staying with me," Jude said.

"I told you I was here until you sent me away."

"I'm not going to send you away," Jude said.

"That's what I want."

Jude grinned. "We should go to bed, though. There's class tomorrow. For both of us."

Connor nodded. "Uh, one thing first, Jude?"

"Sure."

"Can I bring some more of my cactuses here? I … I miss having them all around."

Jude laughed. "Anything you want, baby."

Connor leant across the couch, drawing Jude into him for a long goodnight kiss. Jude was what he wanted.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Black And Blue**_ **by Mindy McCready. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	66. Fragile

Connor leant his head against Jude's car window, watching the scenery whiz by. He was starting to recognize things along the route to Stef's and Lena's house now. The closer they got, the bigger the pit in his stomach grew. He didn't want to face Stef and Lena after what had happened between he and Jude – he thought that they'd hate him now. But, more than that, Connor didn't know how to face Stef and Lena after what had happened to Callie. He didn't know if he was supposed to bring her up; if he was supposed to tell them how sorry he was for their loss. In his head, even though he knew that he was genuine about it, it still sounded so fake, like it was something that he was supposed to say, rather than something that he wanted to say.

The whole thing felt awkward, but Jude didn't want to go home without him, and Connor understood that feeling all too well.

"Do you mind if we stop and get coffee before we go to Moms?" Jude asked. "I just need a minute to sit and breathe before we head over."

"Okay," Connor said. "That sounds good. And we're early anyway."

They stopped at the first coffee shop that they came across. It was a local place, close to Stef's and Lena's, and it wasn't very busy, which suited Connor. They got out of Gerald and linked hands as they walked in. Connor pushed the brim of his hat down and glanced around at the people that were sitting on the outside tables. Most were women with children of the same age, sitting around several tables they'd pushed together. The other two were a couple of elderly men, sharing a newspaper. Inside, Jude tugged him toward the line, but Connor kept glancing around, checking the faces of the people around to make sure he didn't recognize them. He didn't want to recognize anyone, but he did.

"Jude," Connor whispered, "Jude, we have to go."

"Why?"

Before Connor could open his mouth or even pull Jude in one direction or another, Taylor was upon them. "Jude? Can I talk to you, please?"

"Don't touch me!" Jude shrieked and Connor saw every face in the coffee shop turn toward them. "Go away, Taylor."

"I just need to talk to you –"

"No."

Jude's hand tightened, almost painfully, against Connor's and he started pulling Connor out the door. Connor hurried to keep up with Jude. He didn't like the feeling of Jude's rough movements but he knew that it was just because of Taylor. Connor turned his head to see her, standing stricken in the spot where he and Jude had just been. He had never seen her without her bright, elaborate clothes and make-up on. Without them, she just seemed so much smaller. Tears glistened in her eyes and then he saw something come over her face and she followed them out.

"Jude, please," she cried.

"I said _don't touch me_. Don't you get it, Taylor? I want absolutely nothing to do with you. You _murdered_ my sister and I hope you get thrown in prison and stay there. But no matter what, you're out of my life. Go to hell."

"You forgave Connor!"

"Connor didn't kill anyone! Has that sunk into you, yet? You _killed_ someone! You didn't steal someone's boyfriend or even _just_ crashed someone's car! Callie is dead because of you! You can't say I'm sorry and make it go away! It's never going to go away! You can never take this back, no matter what you do with the rest of your life, this is going to hang over you! I hope you _never_ forget."

"I can't!" Taylor shouted. "It never leaves me!"

"Good!"

Connor scrambled into the car as Jude opened his door. They left Taylor standing on the curb and Jude peeled backward before Connor was even able to put his seatbelt on. The tears were cascading down Jude's cheeks and Connor could tell that he wasn't really watching the road. If he was, Connor doubted he'd be able to see it all that well.

"Jude, Jude, pull over," Connor urged him. "Please. Taylor's way back there, she can't see, just pull over."

Jude jerked the car onto the shoulder of the road and turned the ignition off. Everything was quiet and still for a moment until a heartbreaking cry erupted from Jude and he buried his face in his hands.

"She didn't even say it!" he shouted into his palms, the sound muffled and distorted.

"Say what?"

"She didn't even say she was sorry! For all the voicemails and messages and _everything_ she's sent and said, it's never been 'I'm sorry'."

Connor rested his hand on Jude's shoulder. He didn't know what to do or say, and he hated that he was so helpless when Jude needed him. Connor rubbed his thumb against Jude's skin and Jude threw himself into Connor's arms. It was so hard to hold him over the console but Connor didn't think of letting go. Jude buried his head in the crook of Connor's shoulder and Connor's t-shirt quickly became wet.

"I hate her!" Jude cried. "Except … except … except she was my best friend. How can I hate her? But if she was my best friend, how could she do that? _I hate her_."

"I know, I know," Connor murmured, trying to think of all the things that Jude said when he was at a low point like this. "It's not fair of her."

"I don't even think she cares."

Connor bit down on his lip. Even though he had only met Taylor a handful of times, he thought that there was no way that she didn't care or that that it didn't matter to her. He had seen that look in her eyes; something dark and heavy. It didn't mean Connor thought she was worthy of forgiveness and he definitely didn't think that Jude had to hear her out. He kissed the top of Jude's head. In all of the places in the world for Taylor to be today, she had to be in the coffee shop that Jude picked. Jude's strong hands dug into Connor's sides and he gently rocked Jude, as best as he could.

"You're okay here," Connor said. "I have you."

Jude sniffled. "I want Moms."

"We're almost there," Connor said. "Do you want me to drive?"

"But I don't want to let go," Jude whimpered.

"We'll just sit here another few minutes," Connor said. "Just sit. It'll be okay."

Maybe if Connor really tried to believe it, then Jude would believe it too, but there was no faith or absolution to come while they were sitting in the car. Jude eventually found the strength to switch seats with Connor. Connor hated driving, particularly on bright days when it was early enough for the streets to be busy. He moved too slowly for the other driver's to be particularly happy with him but everyone made it to Stef's and Lena's house in one piece and that was what mattered. He parked in the driveway and slowly released the steering wheel. He flexed his stiff fingers and then looked over at Jude.

"Do I look terrible?"

"A little," Connor said.

"At least you're honest," Jude said, his voice shaking.

"Always," Connor said. "I still like how you look though."

Connor brushed his thumb under Jude's eye, collecting the tears that had collected there. Jude's skin was flushed and warm.

"Let's go get a drink of water for you or something," Connor said. "Stef and Lena are definitely waiting for us too."

Jude nodded. "Thanks for being here."

"I keep telling you, Jude, I don't want to be anywhere but with you."

"Then come in with me."

Connor clung to Jude's hand as they walked into Stef's and Lena's. Jude took him into the kitchen, where Stef and Lena were sitting together, their heads bent over something. Stef looked up first as she heard their footsteps.

"Oh, Jude, what's wrong?" she asked immediately.

"I ran into Taylor, accidentally," Jude whispered. He took the seat beside Stef.

As he told the story, Connor went into the cupboard and fetched a glass and poured water for Jude. He slid the glass into Jude's hands and Jude looped his hands around it, as if it were a comforting mug of coffee. He bent his head down and stared into it. Connor took the seat next to him and watch Stef's hands gently rub the length of Jude's back. There was nothing that Connor could do here that Stef and Lena couldn't. He sat quietly in his chair, trying not to intrude.

"I know ignoring her is really the only thing I can do," Jude finished, "but it's hard."

"You're the one who has to decide what to do about Taylor," Stef said. "If you never want to talk to her again, we'll support you. If you need to talk to her to get answers, we'll support you with that too."

"What's to be gained by talking to her?" Jude asked. "She got drunk, got behind the wheel, and she killed Callie. There's no question there! What would you do if she came here and asked for you forgiveness?"

"Jude," Lena said softly, "she has been here."

"And you didn't tell me?" Jude recoiled from Stef's touch, his hand flinging backward to seek Connor's.

"It was only a few days ago," Lena said, and Jude squeezed Connor's hand tightly. "Since we knew you were coming home, it just seemed to us to be one of those things we should talk about in person."

"What could you have to say to her?"

"We didn't do a lot of talking," Stef said. "Taylor came over, apologized, and said that she joined a twelve-step program that she feels is really helping her."

Jude shook his head and Connor caught his mutter of, "Too little, too late."

"She also said that she misses you," Lena added.

"Well, I miss my sister."

An awkward silence reigned for an endless minute. Then, Stef cleared her throat. "Speaking of sisters, Mariana made something for you."

Lena pushed a photo album across the counter.

"She made a special one for each of us. It's how she's been coping."

She had put stickers on the front, spelling out his name. Connor leant close to Jude as he flipped open the front cover of the book.

"It's photos of you and Callie and photos Callie took that Mariana thought you might like," Stef explained

Jude traced his hand down one side of the album, his fingers lingering on Callie's face.

"Mariana said she would like to come down to visit you at your apartment sometime soon," Lena said. "She said to tell you to call her."

"I'll do that," Jude said. "I need to tell her 'thank you', anyway." Jude closed the book. "I just don't think I'm ready to look at it."

"She understands. I think she's lonely in their apartment. She's taking up knitting," Lena said.

"And throwing herself into her schoolwork. I don't think she's been sleeping well," Stef said.

"Who has?" Jude murmured.

"Have you been eating okay? Sleeping? Going to class? You look thin, Jude," Stef said.

"I'm fine! I've kept it together."

"You haven't been eating as much," Connor said.

"Thanks for that," Jude muttered, as Stef's and Lena's heads picked up.

"I'm sorry," Connor said under his breath. "I mean, he has been eating every meal, just a little less than normal."

"And how have you been, Connor?" Lena asked. "It's been a while since we've seen you."

"Oh, I've been fine." The kindness in her voice was unexpected. "I was really sorry to hear about Callie."

"Thank you," Lena said.

Connor ducked his head awkwardly. "And, how are you?"

"Making it," Stef said. "It's better to have family at a time like this. We're so glad for all of you."

Connor watched as she wrapped her hand around Jude's and Connor wondered what that was like, to have the solidarity of family. He wondered what it would have been like if his father had stuck closely by him when his mother had passed instead of his father throwing himself into work and leaving Connor to fumble, grasping desperately onto whoever looked like they would care about him. And though he didn't envy Jude his loss, he envied Jude's family.

"Are you going to stay for dinner?" Lena asked.

"No, I can't, really. I was called into work on the drive down. I'm going to have to cut it short."

Connor stared at Jude. Why was he lying to Stef and Lena? There had been no call on the way down, Jude didn't work until _tomorrow_ night, which was the whole reason they had come to his parents' house today.

"Oh, well, Jesus was going to be here. He hasn't since you since Callie's funeral. I know he wants to," Stef said.

"I'll work out a better time to come down and see everyone," Jude said. "I'm still trying to make up for the hours lost from being home so much before. Melanie likes me but she's not going to let me live in my apartment for free."

"Do you need help with anything?" Lena asked. "Are you struggling?"

"No, it's fine. I promise," Jude said. "But we should go soon."

"You just got here," Stef protested.

"I know. I wasn't counting on work, I'm sorry."

"You'll come back soon, won't you?" Stef said.

"Of course."

"Or Mom and I can come to you," Lena suggested. "We can take you and Connor out to supper."

"That would be nice," Jude said.

"Thank you for offering," Connor said.

Jude held the photo album under his arm as he hugged Stef and Lena. Stef shook Connor's hand, but it felt stiff compared to the last time she had seen him.

"Maybe we'll get to talk to you more then," Stef said to him.

"Maybe. Thank you for letting me come here with Jude."

"He cares a lot about you," Stef said seriously.

"I care a lot about him," Connor assured her, knowing that he had to, knowing that he had to make sure Stef and Lena know that he wasn't going to hurt Jude again.

"I believe that."

Connor let go of her to hug Lena quickly and then Jude ushered him out the door.

"Baby, do you mind driving? At least for the first little bit. I just don't think I can, right now."

"I don't think I can drive the whole way," Connor said. "I'm not that good."

"Not the whole way. Just the first part."

Connor took the keys from Jude's hand and circled around to the driver's side of the car. He hated driving, especially since it was Jude's car. But he would do it for Jude. He would do anything that he possibly could for Jude. He backed out of the driveway and focused on the road. He was driving slowly enough to be a nuisance, he knew, and he watched the rear view mirror like a hawk. If a car came creeping up behind him, which it inevitably would, Connor knew he'd have to push himself and the car.

"It's hard being there," Jude said, "And being around my family. I know it shouldn't be. I know they love me and that they're hurting too and so they're trying their best to help us through what happened to Callie. But it hurts to be at home because that was the first place that I think Callie was ever truly happy. The first place either of us were really happy. Now, she's dead, because of Taylor, someone I brought into their lives and I couldn't have known. I know I couldn't have known but it's still my fault."

"It's Taylor's fault," Connor said, focusing on the dotted line in the middle of the road. He felt so bad; he couldn't give Jude the attention that he needed or deserved. "Not you. Nothing about what happened to Callie is your fault."

"It feels like it. It feels like they blame me."

"What? No!" Connor said. "It doesn't sound like that at all! I heard how they were talking to you, Jude, they just want you around."

"It's stupid," Jude murmured, "but that's just how I feel."

"It doesn't mean what you feel isn't what real. That's what you say when I feel things that are stupid." Connor exhaled shakily. "Jude, I can't drive and talk."

"Oh. Um. Just keep driving, then. I need to think."

"I'm sorry," Connor whispered. "It's just so hard to do both."

"It's okay. Just drive, baby."

Drive. Right, like that was easy. Not that Connor was going to stop when Jude needed him to keep going. He managed to drive them most of the way back and he was proud of himself for that. Jude had to take over for the last twenty minutes of the drive and though Connor tried to goad him into talking, Jude wasn't ready for that yet either. They walked down the hill to Jude's apartment and Jude let him in.

"I'm going to find something to put in the oven for supper," Connor said. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really," Jude said, "but I know I haven't eaten in a while. Maybe I'll feel hungry once I smell something."

"Okay. It'll just be something small."

Connor didn't even know what he had to put in the oven. A frozen lasagna, picked up because it was on sale, for a night like this when he wasn't supposed to cook. He set the oven to preheat and turned back, watching Jude slid the photo album from Mariana onto his bookshelf. Jude turned back around.

"I don't want to talk about my family anymore today, okay?"

"Sure," Connor said. "Can we talk about something else, though?"

"Well, yeah, we're not just going to sit here in silence all night." Jude tried to crack a smile but it fell flat and he sat on the couch. "What are we talking about?"

Connor padded over to sit next to Jude. "Um, well, I've been staying with you for a while."

"Yeah."

"And it's _your_ apartment."

"Yeah, you've got your room. I told you, if you want to go back to your room, it's fine. I understand."

"No, no, I'd rather be here. I just thought, well, you pay rent and all the bills. I know you work a lot and you don't have to. I can help you out."

"You've been paying for groceries and that's been a help. And you've been doing cooking and cleaning and a whole bunch of stuff around here. I think the labour also counts toward helping out. It makes thing fair between us."

"Fair?" Connor repeated. "It's just housework. It's not the same."

"You're putting in effort here, baby. That counts for something. If I need your help, I'll ask, but you buying the groceries and doing the housework balances it out, I promise."

"Okay."

 _Fair_. Like his last boyfriend hadn't ranted and raved about how Connor contributed nothing to the house and how Connor owed everything he had to his ex. Connor wrapped his arms around himself, but Jude wouldn't let himself be closed out. Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

"Jude?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you really forgive me? And how could you really care about me after what I did?"

"I mostly forgive you. It hasn't been _that_ long and so I still sort of feel like you need to prove yourself, but I decided that loving you was more important than being mad at you and I _love_ you. I mean that. I love you."

Connor pressed his forehead against Jude's, rubbing their noses together. Jude grinned and Connor felt Jude's hand paw at his shirt for a moment and then Jude's hand pressed against his stomach. Connor tensed as he Jude's cool fingertips slid over his stomach and then touched the scar on his ribs. He didn't want to say anything, but Jude didn't move on. Jude didn't touch him somewhere else. Connor shrugged out of the button-up he was wearing and Jude's hands fell away from him.

"What is it?"

"Um –"

The preheat beep sounded from the oven. Connor pushed himself up off the couch and went to put the lasagna in the oven, setting the timer, and then he returned to Jude. Jude's hand touched Connor's, sliding up his forearm and over the large scar. Jude touched him too gently; it was more than he deserved. Connor kissed Jude's forehead and his heart starting thudding loudly in his chest.

"Remember when you first saw my arm?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "That's not something I'd forget."

"But you had to see it," Connor pointed out. "And I think you have to see this one too."

Jude nodded. Connor sucked in a breath, watching Jude's trusting brown eyes watch him back. Connor hooked his hands around the hem of his shirt, pulling it off. He let it fall to the floor and then he realized that he'd exposed more scars than he wanted to; more of himself than he had ever intended. Jude knew the story behind all of his wounds now and he waited for Jude's face to become sick. He waited for Jude to be disgusted with him. Jude reached out a hand and touched it to the top of Connor's chest, just under the long scar by his collarbone. With his other hand, he grabbed onto Connor's.

"Baby, you're shaking."

"Nervous."

"Why?"

Connor shrugged. "About what you'll say or do. About feeling inadequate. About us being unequal."

Jude's fingers fell down the length of Connor's chest, leaving a heated trail. "What do you have to feel inadequate about? Look at you! I just … Wow."

 _Wow_. That was what Jude had to say about him? And Jude hadn't even touched the scar yet, he was too busy stroking along the very front of Connor's chest. Jude bent his head and kissed the top of Connor's bare shoulder; Connor felt his heart stop. Jude straightened up.

"You look amazing, you do," Jude said.

"Even with the … scars?"

Jude pressed his palm flat over the mess of scar tissue on Connor's ribs; the heat from his skin sent Connor's heart spiraling out of control again.

"Why do you feel we're unequal?"

Connor touched Jude's t-shirt sleeve.

"Oh, well, that's an easy fix."

Then Jude's shirt was pooled on top of Connor's, sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Jude looked far more embarrassed about being shirtless than Connor felt. His hands shaking, Connor turned to the side on the couch, placing both of his hands on Jude. It was so different from when he'd been sick and half-naked on the bathroom floor. That had been all about care-taking but this … This was about heat, about his stomach feeling wobbly even though his feelings felt sure. Connor ran his hands over all of Jude's skin, pulling him closer and sliding his hands over his shoulder blades.

"What do you think of me?" Jude asked, and it surprised Connor to see genuine worry in Jude's eyes.

"Wow."

Jude let out a nervous chuckle. Connor cupped his cheek gently and leant in for a small kiss, but the moment that his lips touched Jude's, the heat he was feeling became a fire. Jude's fingers tightened on his bicep as he pulled himself into Connor's lap, a leg on either side of Connor. The feel of their skin touching sent a shiver through Connor's spine, but not in the bad way, if that were possible. Connor held Jude tightly, feeling how warm he was, feeling him breathe in such a different way. Jude's nails were light against his skin, where the squeezing of his legs against Connor's was almost too tight. Connor needed air and he let his lips fall from Jude's to kiss Jude's jawline. A moan vibrated from Jude, but Connor felt it in his body. He wrapped one arm around Jude's back and Jude's head dipped, kissing along his shoulder. Connor gasped and Jude's hips roughly thrust against his own.

 _"Jude_."

"Too much?" Jude panted, and Connor had barely realized Jude was as breathless as he.

"No."

Connor secured his arms around Jude, flipping him so that his back was on the couch. Jude grinned at him, sliding his legs over Connor's hips. Connor put one hand by Jude's side, another by his head. Connor slowly lowered himself over Jude, feeling himself get harder and harder the closer he let himself get to Jude. And he wanted no space between them.

"You're surprising me, baby," Jude said.

"In a bad way?"

"No," Jude said, and he pressed one hand over Connor's heart. "I thought we'd go back to slow."

"I've done enough slow for right now. I want you. Is that a bad thing?"

"No," Jude said.

Jude lifted his head to kiss Connor and Connor fell on top of him. Jude's leg drew upward, hooking over the back of Connor's thighs, pulling him into the kiss. And Connor didn't care. He didn't panic. He didn't feel trapped. He felt good as he pressed his lips against Jude's in a kiss that was messy and magical. Connor panted but he didn't want to let go of Jude. He didn't want to lose the dazed happiness that made it feel like Jude's hands were everywhere at once. Jude's hips bucked upwards into his and Connor's hand skimmed down the length of Jude's body, grabbing onto the flesh of his thigh and holding him close.

Jude whispered his name and Connor's fingers tightened.

 _"Baby_."

Jude's hand was slick against his back.

"What?" Connor pulled back, looking down at Jude's flushed cheeks and puffed lips. His eyes were a dark pool, a mixture of what Connor thought to be love and lust. That was what nearly terrified Connor and pushed him over the edge, but he held still. No more running away, from anything he felt, and he couldn't deny that there was more good than bad.

"I love you."

Connor pushed himself up on his arms. That was too much. To be here and hear those words.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

"That –"

The timer beeped and Connor pushed himself up. Jude's leg fell away from him and Connor felt cold without Jude's body heat.

"Baby!"

"It's going to burn."

"You're going to get me all hot and bothered and leave me?"

"It's probably a sign," Connor said, though he trailed his fingers across Jude's torso before standing.

"A sign of what?" Jude asked, and Connor could hear the pout.

"To quit while we're ahead. So I don't panic like I did when I asked you to take your shirt off. Um, you know, the first time."

"You didn't seem like you were panicking," Jude said. " _Oh_ , do you _have_ to put your shirt back on?"

"Yes, I'm going to get something out of the oven. And," Connor added, pulling the shirt over his head as he walked into the kitchen, "no, I wasn't panicking. I … kind of liked it."

It was easier to admit that when he was pulling the lasagna out of the oven, the heat washing over his face. He could blame his blush on that. He balanced the lasagna on the burner and he flicked off the oven. Connor left it. It needed to cool and settle. _He_ needed to cool and settle; the heat needed to leave his body before he touched Jude again, or they would end up where they just had been, half-clothed, hands everywhere, mouths burning. Connor needed a moment, or a day, before they did that again.

He leant against the back of the couch. Jude hadn't gotten dressed yet and Connor pressed his fingers to Jude's soft stomach.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

"Getting ahead of myself. Worrying about sex, even though we don't … We're not … It's not something we're about to do."

Jude hooked his hand behind his head, looking so casual and perfect that Connor's heart dropped and then lifted again when Jude smiled.

"What are you worrying about? If we talk about it, even if we don't have sex, then maybe you won't stress."

"You're too good for me."

"Maybe," Jude said, and it was half-joke, half pain of their separation. "But I'm yours and you're mine. That's what there is to it. Tell me what you're worried about, baby."

"Um, if we … if we ever … Um, you know what he did to me, kind of. What I'm trying to say is … is …" Connor couldn't look at Jude's face while he stuttered, "I couldn't let you be on top of me."

Jude laughed and sat up, and rested his head on the back of the couch. "So, I'm curious about sex either way but, you know, I _really_ like you on top of me."

Connor managed to crack a smile.

"I don't think that is going to be the problem for us having sex." Jude cocked his head to the side. "I mean, our hypothetical sex."

" _I_ 'm always going to be the problem in our hypothetical sex."

"I'm nervous at the thought of it too," Jude said. "I just think it'll be really good. Not scary, the way you make it out to be. I think we'll like it. And when you kiss me like you just were, it's just encouraging me."

Jude pressed a kiss to the inside of Connor's forearm and even that was enough to make him feel like he was on fire again.

"Jude," Connor whispered, "we just got back together."

"Yeah, but that's the hard part. Or was, I guess. It was the hard part right after you came back. It suddenly felt like you hadn't been gone at all. That you just fit and belonged here. It was heartbreaking, then, but it feels right now."

"Jude, don't be so sweet to me. I really don't deserve it."

"I want to. I'm not going to hold a grudge, Connor, as long as you keep being honest with me."

"I know. I learnt my lesson. I … I don't want to be without you." That was hard to admit, still. "And, you need to come eat dinner. I mean, if you want to."

"Sure, baby, let's eat."

Jude reached down and picked his shirt up off the floor. He turned his back to Connor to pull it on and Connor let out a small sound of complaint. He clapped a hand over his mouth while Jude laughed at him.

"Not so fun when the shoe's on the other foot, is it?"

"No." Connor reached over and fixed the collar on Jude's shirt. "But, um, we can do something like that again, right?"

"Yeah, baby. Hopefully we've got a lot more time together." Jude looked over his shoulder with expectations on his face and Connor knew he had to say something.

"A lot of time," he finally confirmed. Not seeing an end date was supposed to be scary, but it wasn't, and it made Jude smile.

Connor pushed himself up off the couch and caught Jude around the waist, drawing his tall boyfriend into his hold. Jude took his hands and held Connor's arms more securely around him. Connor buried his face against the back of Jude's shoulder blade.

"I missed you so much."

"I missed you too. But we don't have to miss each other anymore. You're going to stay here, with me, aren't you?"

"Yes. I don't know if you could make me leave now."

"That's what I want to hear."

To Connor's ears, Jude sounded happy. Jude kissed his knuckles gently and Connor truly believed that Jude was happy, and that's how Connor wanted him to feel, because that was how Connor himself felt.

"Come on, baby, you made me something good to eat."

"It's just a frozen lasagna," Connor pouted out, his mouth whispering against the material of Jude's shirt. The shirt that had just been on the floor, so Connor could get his hands on Jude's skin, feeling how Jude moved beneath him.

"Yeah, but you still put all the effort in. Come on, after all the whining you did to get me to eat."

"I don't whine," Connor said, though he sounded particularly whiny as he did so.

Jude squeezed his hand. "Come on. It's been a long day already. We can just eat and settle down."

Connor unhooked his arm from Jude and allowed his boyfriend to draw him into the kitchen. It had been a long day, for sure, but it hadn't felt so bad since they were together. Together, as happy as they could be with how heavy their pasts sat on their shoulders. But Jude still smiled, beautiful and wonderful, and Connor wondered how he could still do that, after all of the pain that he had been through. It made Connor fall for him even more.

"I love you, baby."

Connor smiled and leant over, just to press a kiss to Jude's temple. He cared about Jude too, so much. He was allowed to be here, happy, in the kitchen, not thinking about all of the things that went bump in the night. For once.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Fragile**_ **by Gnash. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	67. You Are In Love

"I'll be home around two," Jude said.

"That's a gross shift." Connor pulled his feet onto his couch. "And you'll be gone while it's dark."

"I know. Are you going to be okay alone here?"

"I have been before, right?" Connor drew the plaid blanket around his shoulders and rubbed its softness against his cheek. "Um, there's something I'd like you to think about."

"Sure." Jude leant against the back of the couch and Connor poked a hand out to toy with the sleeve of his black work shirt.

"Dad wants me to go home and see him the first week of May, after exams are through."

"Sounds nice."

"Well, he invited you to come too," Connor said. "He said he'd buy your ticket and you can stay at his house with me. It would just be for a few days. If you want to. You might not want to. You might need to think about it."

"I think I want to," Jude said, "but let me think of the logistics of it during this shift, okay? Just to be sure. But, I think it would be nice for me, just for a small break from what happened with Callie and Taylor, even."

"I hope you do. I hope it's okay if I go, even if you don't."

"You don't need my permission about that, baby. I want you to spend time with your dad."

"So, it's fair for me to tell you that you should call your moms more?"

"It's fair and I know I should. I know they need that but I just feel shaky inside when I talk to them." Jude kissed Connor. "I really have to go. Have a good night, baby. It'll be slow, so you can call the store phone if you need to."

"Don't encourage me. You'll never get rid of me. Are you going to come home for your break?"

"No," Jude said. "It'll be late and I don't want to keep you awake waiting for me. I know how early you get up."

"Come home safe," Connor whispered.

"I will. See you in six hours."

"See you," Jude said. "I love you."

"Bye."

The door closed behind Jude and Connor heard the lock turn. His stomach flip-flopped around. He had, of course, been here alone, but Jude had always been here to go to sleep with Connor lately, even when he had to leave around three or four in the morning. Those hours made Connor feel far less anxious than being fully awake and being left in Jude's apartment. Connor bit his lip and looked at the TV. The tattoo show that he and Jude always ended up watching was on, but, somehow, it was less fun when Jude wasn't here. Connor turned the tv off, skipping his hand underneath his collar and picking up the chain with his mother's rings on it. He slid the rings down the length of the chain and then sighed, letting them fall over the front of his shirt, instead of tucked away where he usually kept them.

Connor pushed himself off the couch and he checked that the door was locked, just in case. He turned off the overhead light, letting the dark room be lit only by the small lamp by Jude's bed. The shadows were long and creeping; Connor had to work to keep the shiver from crawling all the way up his spine. He walked through the apartment, even though there wasn't much to see and he and Jude had spent the day here. It wasn't as if someone had snuck in and they had missed it. He was all alone.

Connor brushed his teeth, finger combed his hair, and tucked his necklace away again. He padded into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He left it sitting on Jude's bedside table and then he went around, collecting his journal and his phone from where they had gotten spread around the small apartment. He found one of his good pens and then he went and curled up in bed. The silence was obnoxious. He was used to Jude being around, even just the little things like him scuffing his heel against the rug or a sigh as he went through a textbook he didn't really want to read. It was comforting. Connor had learnt to like being alone and he didn't like to think of himself as being reliant on someone else's presence anymore, but he liked it a lot better when he had Jude with him.

He scrolled through the poetry blog, skimming, mostly. There wasn't a lot to catch his attention but there was one quote that he wrote down in his journal.

 _I've had enough hurt already in my life, more than enough. Now, I want to be happy – Haruki Murakami._

Connor let his pen fall down against his bed and he checked the time. Midnight. He wanted to stay awake for Jude but he knew he wouldn't be able to. He sighed and placed everything on the bedside table and adjusted the curtains to the way that he and Jude slept. He turned off the light and fluffed the blankets out around his body and nestled down on his pillows. Jude's bed felt far too big when he was the only person in it. He wondered how Jude could stand it. Connor rolled over to Jude's side of the bed and rested his head on the pillow that Jude liked best. It was huge and stuffed too full for Connor to really find it comfortable but it was where he fell asleep.

(-.-)

Jude snuck into his own apartment, closing and locking the door as silently as possible. He glanced at the curtains on the bed and they didn't move; Connor was fast asleep. Jude quickly put his pyjamas on in front of the dresser and then, half sliding on his socked feet, he slid the curtains back slightly more near the bottom of the bed. He crawled onto the mattress, then glanced up and laughed softly to himself. How had Connor managed to take up so much of the bed? Jude shuffled more toward the wall, trying to figure out if he could make it to the pillow without moving his boyfriend. Underneath him, the mattress creaked and Connor flew up into a sitting position. Connor's long hair stuck straight up on one side and Jude couldn't silence the laugh that came out of him, even though it made Connor flinch.

"Baby, baby, it's just me."

"You're home," Connor muttered blearily.

Connor reached out his hand and Jude took it, letting Connor pull him into the pillows, onto his usual side of the bed. Jude pulled the blankets up around them and, to his surprise, Connor burrowed under his arm, resting his head against Jude's chest. Jude draped his arm around Connor's shoulder.

"Shift okay?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, shift was great. You okay?"

"Mhm. Sleepy. Glad you're home." Connor ducked his head down and curled even more around Jude.

Even when Connor was in a cuddly mood, he didn't usually tuck himself in around Jude. Not that Jude minded. He kissed the top of Connor's head.

"I'm glad I'm home too."

Connor's head lifted and, even in the darkness, Jude could see the glint of his eye. His thumb rubbed Jude's side. "You're my best friend, you know."

"I love you," Jude whispered. "Let's go to sleep, okay? We can talk in the morning."

"Okay," Connor agreed, and he yawned.

Jude smiled as Connor settled his head back on Jude's chest. Jude slipped his hand under Connor's t-shirt, sliding his hand up Connor's warm back to curl around his waist, his fingers on Connor's rib scar. He waited for Connor to shift around and dislodge his hand, but then he realized that Connor had already fallen back asleep, Connor's leg nudging his own. Jude closed his eyes. He felt trusted and that was like a gift from Connor. Jude kissed his forehead and Connor barely moved. Jude fell asleep, feeling happy and whole.

(-.-)

Jude woke up to his phone ringing. He groaned and rolled over, grabbing it off his bedside table.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jude, did I wake you?"

"It's okay, Mariana. What's up?"

"Well," Mariana said, "you've been ignoring us. Me."

"Sorry. I've been busy."

"Sure," she said, but she didn't sound like she believed him.

Jude rolled onto his other side. Connor had woken now, too, and was watching him.

"I want to come visit you," she said.

"I want to see you too."

"Then act like it, okay? Let me come see you one night this weekend."

"Okay," Jude said. "Um, Saturday night will be best for me."

"Saturday, then," Mariana said. "I'll be there. Just you and me, okay?"

"See you then. And, um, thanks for the scrapbook."

"You're welcome. I love you, Judicorn."

"Love you too," Jude said, and then he hung up the phone. He slid it under his pillow so that he could just snake his fingers through Connor's and hold his hand tightly.

"Everything okay?"

"Mariana wants to see me."

"That sounds like a good thing."

Jude shook his head. "I don't want to be alone with any of them. I'm afraid that they'll feel like they can speak their minds more once we're alone. And, um, they're going to say everything I'm scared of hearing. That it's my fault. That they hate me because of Taylor."

Connor's arms locked around him and Jude hid in his chest.

"You just need to talk to your family. Jude, it's not your fault. They don't believe that at all. I _know_ that."

Jude wanted to believe him. But he was too scared to find out otherwise. He couldn't bear to know that any of his family thought about him the way that he currently thought about him. He couldn't stand to lose any of them, not now, but he was also smart enough to know that by closing himself off the way he was, he was going to end up without his family anyway. Something had to give way; _something_ had to break, but Jude just didn't know what it would be.

"Maybe confide in Mariana?" Connor suggested. "That might help. She might know what to do."

"Probably." If only it were as simple as Connor made it sound. "Look at you, giving advice."

"It's hard," Connor said. "I think I prefer to be the mess."

Jude laughed and hid his face against Connor's shirt. He wiped his eyes against the soft fabric and took a deep breath, peeking his head up to look at Connor's illuminated face. The slice of sunlight that made it inside of the curtains glinted off his hair and Jude wished that he could run his hands through the strands and pull Connor's head to meet his. Instead, he just hitched his leg up over Connor's hip and let Connor fall over him, just like he knew Connor would.

"How'd you sleep?" Connor asked.

"Pretty good. What about you?"

"The dreams got better when you got here."

"You were having nightmares?"

Connor shrugged. "I wouldn't call it a nightmare. Just this long, uncomfortable dream that someone was watching me. _Always_ watching me. It wasn't scary enough to wake me up, but it was almost worse that way, you know?"

"I think so," Jude said, though he wasn't sure if he was telling the truth. He kissed Connor's forehead.

"You feeling okay?"

"I think so. I think you're right. I'm going to have to talk to Mariana and my moms and the rest of my family. But the thought of actually doing that makes me nervous. Too nervous."

"It'll be better once it's over. Like ripping off a Band-Aid."

Jude nodded. "You're probably right about that too."

"I'm not used to being right."

Jude laughed. "But you're so smart, baby."

Jude kissed his cheek, sliding his lips across to Connor's. Connor kissed him but, but he hesitated. "You okay? You were upset just a few minutes ago and now …"

"I'm okay," Jude assured him. "You know, it's one of those things that I'm going to have to deal with but I can't do any more with you. I can't fix it with you. But, there are some other things that I can do with you. Things I'd like."

Jude trailed his hands down the front of Connor's shirt, watching his boyfriend's reaction. Connor had been freer with his touches lately, especially since the night they'd ended up half-naked on the couch, but Jude hadn't seen him that way since and he wondered if he'd be more sensitive about it since they were in bed, or if Connor had let that paranoia go too. Connor grinned at him and Jude smiled back.

Connor pressed his lips to Jude's again and Jude slid his hands up under Connor's shirt, his fingers ghosting the warm metal chain.

"Wait," Connor murmured.

"Okay," Jude said, automatically. "We don't have to go there."

"No, I don't mind but … but …" Connor's cheeks turned bright pink with his blush. "You should go first this time."

Connor crawled back as Jude sat up, aware of how his t-shirt hung from his frame. Connor's hand was resting on the top of his thigh and Jude looked down at his fingers.

"Why don't you do it?"

"What?"

"Come on," Jude said, trying his best to look cute, though he didn't know if he could pull it off, particularly first thing in the morning. "Why don't you take my shirt off? I mean, you want to see me without it so bad."

Connor grinned at that and Jude knew he had him. Connor wouldn't smile like that unless he was really comfortable, not just doing his best to be okay because he thought that was what was best for Jude.

"I haven't done this in a while," he said, and he sounded nervous as he shuffled toward Jude.

"You saw me without a shirt just a couple days ago."

"No. Take clothes off someone," Connor said.

"You undress yourself."

"That's true."

Connor's hands hooked under Jude's shirt and guided it upward. Jude lifted his arms and he felt the shirt clear away from his body. He opened his eyes and watched Connor quickly fold it before sitting it down on one of the pillows gathered at the foot of the bed. Jude leant back on his hands, and then Connor straddled his shins.

"You can sit closer, you know," Jude tempted, hoping that he would. He had meant what he had said about their hypothetical sex – if Connor never thought he could be on the receiving end of anal sex, Jude would never pressure him about it. He had never been that set on being the top and he had meant what he said about liking the thought of Connor being on top of him more. But that didn't mean that he didn't like the thought of Connor _literally_ on top of him, sitting in his lap with his hair all mussed and their lips close together.

"No, I _can't_ ," Connor emphasised and his hands inched up the inside of Jude's thighs, stopping just before they got close to anything enjoyable. He glanced downward and abruptly back up again, his cheeks going pink.

Jude laughed and placed his hands on top of Connor's. Connor curled his fingers around Jude's, cementing their hands together.

"Your turn," Jude said. "Can I take yours off?"

Connor shook his head. "Your hands would be … would be too close."

Jude understood and the fact that Connor then let go of him to pull his shirt over his head was nearly more than he could take. The way his hard abs turned into the V of his hips, peppered with thin blond hairs … Jude became painfully tight in his thin pyjama pants and it felt harder to breathe when Connor's hands skimmed over his chest, his nails teasing on his skin. Connor knew what he was doing and that thought almost soured the moment. He didn't want to think of Connor's ex when Connor was in front of _him_ , with _him_.

"I'm scared," Connor whispered.

"Of what? We've done this before."

Connor nodded. "I know. It's not this. It's … the thought of things we haven't done."

"We don't have to do those."

"You want to."

"Yes."

"I might but I'm too scared to know. To really know. It's one of those moments, Jude, where I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do."

Jude let his lips skim along Connor's jaw, his heart thrumming in his chest. He knew what he wanted but he knew that he and Connor might not get that far – not now, or ever. But the thought of maybe doing something sent adrenaline through his veins.

"Do what you want, baby. If it gets too much, just say no." Jude bit his lip, almost thinking that it was enough, but then Connor's ex invaded again, and he knew that there had to be more. "You can always say no, at any time. It doesn't matter what we're doing. It's okay to stop. Any time you want."

"You mean that," Connor said, and it pleased Jude that it wasn't a question.

"Yeah." Jude's hands slid from Connor's shoulders down to his hips, touching the waist of the sweatpants he'd worn to bed. "Would it make it easier if I touched you first?"

"No!" Connor said, and he pushed Jude's hands away. "No, that's not how it works."

"What do you mean?"

"I … I … I touch you."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "Then I touch you. Or vice versa. Or both at the same time. Whatever we want."

Connor bit his lip.

Jude went for jokes again. "I know I'm the virgin here, but, I'm pretty sure we can't do anything without me touching you too."

"Sorry. It's just … It usually hurts when someone touches me."

"I'm not going to hurt you, baby."

"I know _you_ won't," Connor said, "but when I think of … of sex … of things relating to it, there's pain. It always hurts."

"Like when you think of love?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Don't be afraid of me," Jude said. "Please. When have I ever hurt you?"

"It's not about you. It's about me."

"Oldest line in the book."

Connor inhaled quickly and then his lips twitched up into a smile. He leant forward again, pressing his lips to Jude's. Jude melted into his touch, falling against the mattress with the slightest brush of Connor's fingers. His hands tightly grasped the blankets around him as Connor's lips pressed to his collarbone. Jude's leg came up to hook around the length of Connor's torso and one of Connor's hands grabbed onto him, pulling it even closer to the warmth of his body. Jude's hips jerked against Connor's stomach as Connor pressed a kiss to the middle of his chest. Connor's hand skimmed along the underside of Jude's thigh, not stopping this time as he cupped Jude's butt. Jude could feel every line of Connor's hands and he felt warm. So warm.

 _"Connor_ ," he gasped and grabbed onto the top of Connor's shoulder. Connor's hair tickled his wrist and Connor jerked away.

"No, it's too much," he said. "Too much."

"It's okay, baby. It's okay." Connor hurriedly shoved his long-sleeved shirt back on and fell into the pile of blankets, wrapping himself up in one of them. Jude bit down on the inside of his lip and then yanked his t-shirt on over his head. "It's not a big deal. I said you could say no, remember?"

"It's hard to say no."

Jude drew the blanket up around Connor, letting as close as he thought he could without freaking Connor out.

"Let me make the coffee so you can breathe. I can make eggs for breakfast. How does that sound?"

Connor's eyes glimmered. "I'm okay. I'm –"

"The one who always makes coffee and breakfast and dinner and does dishes and housework. I can do it for you, just this once."

"No, I need to do something," Connor said. "I'm sorry I disappointed you."

"You didn't."

Connor reached out and took Jude's arm. "Come lay with me?"

How could Jude refuse him?

Connor had tucked himself in the pile of the warmest blankets and Jude started to overheat the moment that he was under them, but he didn't make a move to free himself. He tucked his head into Connor's chest and let Connor wrap his arms around Jude. Connor's head rested on top of Jude's. Sweat pooled around the middle of Jude's back and in the crease of his arms, but he didn't let go. He could never let go.

"I love you, baby."

"You're the best person I've ever met, Jude."

Jude closed his eyes and listened to the steady thump of Connor's heart. It wasn't quite as much as an 'I love you' but it still meant the world to him. It was enough to keep him smiling, even as he grew drowsy. They woke up the second time over an hour later, sideways on the bed and covered in each other's sweat, but they hadn't moved, at all. Jude was still locked stiffly in Connor's arms and he woke slowly, his eyelashes hitting Connor's cheek.

"Sorry I freaked out."

"Compared to some other things, I wouldn't call that you freaking out," Jude said. "And it's still not a big deal."

Connor pressed his lips to Jude's forehead. "Let me make you coffee."

"I'll make the eggs."

Even though the basement apartment was fairly warm, the air still felt cold compared to the heat underneath the blanket. Jude pulled the eggs out of the fridge while Connor started the coffee maker. Connor was buzzing around the kitchen and Jude wondered just where Connor got the energy. He took a large cup of water over to the cactuses that were sitting on the windowsill. Most of his plant collection had made it over to Jude's in the past while and Jude loved watching Connor tend to them. He'd gently touch the top of every cactus before giving them water.

"So," Connor said, "did you think about, um, coming to my dad's with me?"

"Yeah," Jude said. He cracked an egg into a large bowl. "I have a question, first."

"Which is?"

"Why do _you_ want to go back to your dad's? I thought with your ex out of prison …" Jude let the question hang, mostly because he wasn't sure how to finish it. If Connor's paranoia had made him kill their relationship with less than a day's thought, he couldn't imagine why Connor would ever want to go back to his father's: a place that his ex knew where he'd be.

"Well, my ex and I didn't really live close to where my dad does. My dad is watchful. He hasn't noticed anything. There's a detective in town who's close to one of his work friends. My dad uses him to keep tabs, I guess. My dad isn't worried. Dr. Scott and Dad both say that I can't let this hold me back. By this I mean him." Connor didn't look away from the cactus he was watering. "Dad says it's safe. And I owe him. He asked if you wanted to come to. He said to ask you. I thought you'd get mad if I made that decision without talking to you. Like I did before. I'm going to have to go. Whether or not you want to come with me is up to you. You're right, Jude, it could be dangerous."

"I understand."

"And?" Connor turned around and his bright eyes were glinting with hope. "What do you think?"

"I think I'd really love to go," Jude said. "I think I just need to book the time off work next time I go in."

He wasn't prepared for the strong hug that Connor wrapped him in. "Thank you, Jude!"

"For what?"

"I'm just going to be so much happier with you there."

"I'm glad to hear that." Jude circled his arms around Connor. "Does this as our first trip away together?"

"You can count it as whatever you want," Connor said, "I'm just glad you're going to be there."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else."

Connor peeked up at him, as expression suddenly serious. "You know, I believe that."

"You should!"

"Coffee's almost ready," Connor said, and he pushed himself out of Jude's hold.

Jude let him go, spinning around to slide the eggs into a frying pan. He kept glancing over at Connor, who had rolled up his sleeves to carefully pour the coffee into two mugs. His eyes fell to the scar on Connor's forearm. It turned his stomach, just like the scar on Connor's ribs did. He couldn't imagine hurting anyone like that, but, especially, he couldn't imagine anyone wanting to hurt Connor, who was so good and gentle. Connor caught him watching.

"What are you looking at?" Connor asked.

"My hot boyfriend."

"C-c-coffee," Connor stuttered, sliding a mug across the counter for Jude.

"Thanks." Jude caught Connor's wrist and ran his thumb over the bottom of the scar. He tried not to think about it as the scar; he tried to think about it as just Connor's bare skin. But he couldn't erase what had happened to Connor, either; not from either of their minds. It would end badly for the both of them, if he tried to forget.

Jude lifted Connor's knuckles to his mouth and kissed along his fingers gently.

"Your eggs are going to burn," Connor warned him.

"What did I do without you?" Jude whispered.

"I'm sorry about that."

"I know," Jude said. "And it's mostly okay now, honestly."

Connor lifted the eggs off the burner and then leant onto his toes to kiss Jude's cheek. Jude wrapped his arm around Connor's back and bulled him in closer, dipping him into a long kiss.

"Don't tempt me," Connor whispered, placing his hands across Jude's chest. "It's been a long enough morning."

"Can you be tempted?" Jude asked.

"By you," Connor said. "That would just be by you."

That was an ego boost if Jude had ever heard one. He couldn't resist giving Connor one last kiss before they turned to have their breakfast.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **You Are In Love**_ **by Travis Atreo. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	68. Daydream

Connor pulled the bill of his hat further down over his eyes and crept through the back door of his dorm building. He started racing up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The more time that he spent outside, the more skittish that he felt. Once he was inside his room, though, the door shut behind him, he felt better. But not as good as he could feel. The feeling of sanctuary that had once come over him from walking in his front door had now been transferred to Jude's. Connor felt, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was a mistake to be like that, but there was no part of him that was in a hurry to fix it.

It was mostly selfish, he acknowledged. He wanted a place where he felt safe; he wanted a place where he felt _happy_. That was how he was at Jude's. It was warm, full of life and light. It was so different from this room, which was starting to have a deserted air about it. It smelt musty and stale, which Connor shouldn't have been surprised about. He barely spent any time here anymore; it was just where he wasted a few hours, on occasion, until Jude was finished with classes and it was time to drive him home. That wasn't the case tonight. There would be no Jude for him tonight. For the first time in weeks, Connor would have to fall asleep without him. The thought of that shouldn't have been as daunting as it was.

Connor pulled his bed down and dropped his bag on top of it, unpacking the things that he'd taken from Jude's. The switch between packing to go to Jude's for the night and then packing to leave Jude's to go home for a night hadn't even occurred to him until he was placing his journal on his sliver of counter space and pulling Ampelos – squished as he was – out of his bag and placing it on his pillow.

Connor sat down on his comforter and looked around. The walls were plain, the bed was neatly made, there was no personality. Nothing personal. That had been the point. Of course, it was the point. But it still made him sad, especially compared to Jude's, with its eclectic decorating and family photos. Connor wanted that but he couldn't have that. The only thing he carried was his wallet and he pulled it out now, sliding the pictures that he kept there out. The photo booth strip of he and Jude came out first and Connor was relieved, now, that he had another copy. One that Jude didn't know about. He would never have to admit to what he had done with his photos. He knew that would hurt Jude, like everything else he'd done had hurt Jude.

The next photo underneath was one of Adam, a new one. It felt more obligatory than everything else in his wallet but the more time that he spent in his father's life again, the more that feeling faded. The last photo in his wallet, and the oldest, was of he and his mother, when she was in the hospital, just after giving birth to him. He didn't feel like he was the baby in that photo most of the time – he felt like she had to be looking at something or someone else, for that kind of love to be on her face – but he liked to look at it and imagine that, if she were to see him one more time, she would still look at him that way.

Connor fell back onto his bed, his head resting on Ampelos's plush body instead of on his pillow. Ampelos smelt of Connor's deodorant and of Jude's apartment. The elephant's silk ear tickled Connor's nose and he sighed, hoping that Jude was having a good visit with Mariana. He stared at his ceiling for a very short minute and then he fumbled for his cell phone, quickly dialling and then holding the phone to his ear.

"Hey, Dad."

"Connor, hi! I didn't expect to hear from you. Is everything all right?"

"It's fine. I just … It's been a few days since we spoke. Um. Are you busy?"

"Well, no," Adam said. "I've some time."

Connor waited.

"Rachel and I have a date tonight."

"That's good."

"It is," Adam said. "I think I really like this woman, Connor."

"D-d-does, um, she like you?"

"I think she does. I was hoping that, if she and I are still seeing one another by the time you and Jude come to visit, that you would like to meet her."

 _"Really?"_

"Yes," Adam said, and he sounded amused. "Really. You're important to me and if you and she don't get along, then, clearly she's not the person that I should be spending my time with."

 _That_ surprised Connor. He wouldn't have thought of Adam as someone who would cut off a relationship like that, especially not for him.

"What does she know about me?" Connor asked.

"How old you are. She's seen your pictures in the house. I told her you went to NYU and that was where you met Jude. Um, I think I told her that you're a good cook and I told her about how smart you are. Just little things like that."

Connor inhaled sharply. "She knows about Jude?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Dad, what if _he_ hears that I'm with someone else. That would make him even more determined –"

"Connor, don't you think that's a little paranoid?"

Probably. Connor could admit that. It didn't mean he was in the _wrong_. "Dad, I just need to make sure Jude's safe. Something happening to me is different. I expect that. But it's not fair to him. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have gone back to him at all, depending on how this all ends."

"You might never see _him_ again."

"I might not," Connor agreed. "But there's no way for me to know. As long as he's out there and alive, I'll always have to wonder."

"I'm sorry."

Connor was too, but he had no idea what to say to Adam about it.

"She knows Jude exists," Adam said, "but I didn't tell her that you two were in a relationship. I referred to him as your 'closest friend in school'."

Connor frowned, suspicious now of Adam's tone. "But …"

"But?"

He almost dropped it; he almost didn't want to fight about it. _Except_ , it wasn't like he wanted to keep Jude a secret. Before his ex had gotten out of prison, Connor had been happy to be with Jude, particularly in public, because Jude had been so happy to be out with him. He was proud to be Jude's boyfriend, proud that he had someone like Jude in his life.

"But why would you call him that with no reason to?" Connor said in a rush.

"I don't know what you mean," Adam said, but to Connor's ears, he sounded dismissive, as if he knew what he had done wrong but was trying to avoid talking about such things.

"If you think I'm being paranoid by hiding my relationship," Connor said, fighting to keep his voice even, "why wouldn't you just tell Rachel about my boyfriend?"

The stony silence on the other end of the phone was more than enough of an answer.

"You still don't like the fact that I'm gay, do you?"

"It's not like that. I accept you, Connor, and I love you, but, you're right. After Christmas, after actually seeing you and Jude together, I had to revaluate some things."

 _Some things_ , Connor thought bitterly. Like whether or not he truly loved his son?

"It's not that I don't love you, Connor, but it was easier to think about you and Jude in theory than to actually see you kiss him. And then, over Christmas, to discuss those things about your mother –"

"She was in love with a woman, Dad, that's not a crime."

"I know. I mean, I want to know. I was a bad father and I know that I am a bad person. Prejudices die hard."

"Not if you just care about people!"

"And it's hard to see you with a man knowing what happened last time you were with one."

"So, what? I'm supposed to turn straight because a man hurt me?" Connor asked. "Do you know how hard it is to be with Jude after what I've been through? Do you know what a good man he has to be to put up with me for that? He says he _loves_ me and that is the hardest thing I've ever had to face since leaving my ex, but, you know what? He's not going to hurt me. He's not what I expect because _he_ is a good person. A good _man_! And even though I can't say it because of a _bad_ man, I am happy to be with him. He means _that much_ to me. You could learn something from him!"

"Connor –"

"No," Connor whispered. _"No_. I'm going to hang up now, Dad."

"Connor, I love you –"

"You too."

Connor hung up right after that. He grabbed the sweatshirt he had stolen from Jude that morning before leaving and wrapped it around his pillow, not even bothering to put it on. He put himself under his blankets without taking off his jeans and pulled Ampelos into his arms. His tears started to wet the sweatshirt and he hoped that Jude was having a far better night with his sister than Connor had with his father.

(-.-)

Jude watched Mariana fork the last of her shepherd's pie into her mouth.

"Is there more?" she asked.

"No. It's leftovers from Connor, sorry."

"I see why you keep him around."

Mariana smiled at him, but there was a forced edge to it. Jude understood. When it was the two of them, in pain, it was hard to ignore the source of that pain. It was hard not to see Callie's face, no matter how he angled the family photos that lined his small bookshelf.

"It's not the only reason," Jude retorted, and then he realized how defensive he sounded. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I know that you care about him," Mariana said softly.

"You don't think I'm stupid for taking him back, after how he left me?"

"No," Mariana said. "Some people stay with you. Do you think you're stupid?"

Jude shook his head. "I really love him."

"And that's all that matters. You have to hold on to the people you love, right?"

"Yeah." Jude thumbed the counter. "Unless they're the wrong people."

"We're not talking about Connor anymore," Mariana guessed, but Jude still shook his head. "Talk to me, Jude. You've been so on your own, lately."

"I haven't been on my own," Jude protested, but he knew that wasn't what she had meant. "Would you ever speak to her again?"

"Taylor?"

"Yeah. If she was your friend, not mine. Would you ever speak to her again?"

"I don't know." Mariana tucked her hair behind her ear. "I mean, I know Taylor. I liked her. But I … I can't forgive. I wouldn't be able to talk to her if she showed up in front of me now."

"Moms did."

"Moms are a different kind of human," Mariana said. "If they weren't none of us would have ever been adopted."

"That's true."

"You don't have to forgive her," Mariana said. "Especially not so quickly. Just because you were friends –"

Jude held up his hand. He'd heard it all before. He'd thought it all before. Rehashing that with Mariana now wasn't going to be helpful. "I can't forgive me, either," Jude whispered.

"Forgive you? For what? You didn't do anything."

"I'm the reason Taylor was there at all. Callie thought there was something wrong, I didn't." Jude stared down at his knees, unable to meet Mariana's face. He didn't know what he would see there. "I met Taylor in the first place. I should have been more aware of her. Of what was going on."

"That's why you haven't been talking to us?" Mariana gasped. "Do you really blame yourself for this?"

"It's on me. It is. I should have … I could have … I –"

"No!" Mariana grabbed him into a hug, strong and almost suffocating. "No! None of us blame you for this. None of us think that it was on you!"

"What if it was?"

"But it's not! It's not, Judicorn. I promise you, we don't blame you and you shouldn't either! It was all _Taylor's_ decision. You didn't have any responsibility. She is a grown woman with the power of her own decisions and she made the absolute wrong one. _This is not your fault."_

Jude knew she meant that and it felt like a wave of relief. His knees felt like jelly and, even though he didn't want to cry, a few tears slipped out against the silky material of Mariana's shirt. He sniffled and inhaled her perfume; it was far more than Callie always wore. His heart constricted and he felt sick and guilty for thinking that she was the _wrong_ sister. He loved Mariana, of course he loved Mariana, but she was not Callie and it was Callie that he wanted.

"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Mariana said, "as long as you make it to the next family dinner."

Jude wanted to laugh so badly because he knew she was just trying to make things light, but he just ended up choking on his tongue. He inhaled again and felt Mariana's shoulder shake.

"I miss her too," Mariana said. "We all do. But we miss you too. You've felt so far away from us. Moms have been talking so much about you and about how worried they are that you're just going to cut yourself off from us."

"I didn't want you to hate me the way that I hate me."

"Don't," Mariana warned him. "Don't do that to yourself when no one else is."

"I just didn't want to be sent away."

"None of us would ever do that to you!" Mariana shook him. "You are _family_ , Jude, and that's not going to happen. No one thinks you could have done more."

"But maybe if I _had_ –"

"Don't do this to yourself," Mariana instructed, much more harshly this time. "Don't, okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

Mariana pressed a kiss to his head and it felt almost maternal. " _Callie_ loves you."

That was when Jude lost it completely, but Mariana never let go of him. He could never forget that it was her and that it wasn't Callie, but he closed his eyes and, for a moment, just tried to pretend that his family was whole again.

(-.-)

"Dad, you don't have to apologize," Connor said, curling Ampelos' ears around himself so that he could slide the elephant into his bag. He was almost ready to go.

"I just don't want to think that I don't love and support you or that I don't like Jude," Adam said. "I am glad you were able to find someone who is able to help you the way Jude has. You have found someone good for you and I'm glad."

"Are you trying to convince you or me?" Connor asked, and he surprised himself with his own bitterness.

"It's how I honestly feel. It's just that sometimes there's a reflex and it's a terrible thought and I can't stop it. Then I remember how I really feel and how things are now. The first thought isn't what's real. Does that make any sense to you, Connor?"

It did. He knew what it was like to not be able to trust his thoughts. He just didn't know how far he would go in likening his trauma to Adam's reformation.

"I understand that you're trying, Dad, and that's enough for me." It was the truth, most of the time."

"I'm always here for you," Adam added.

"I know. Thank you. Um, I'm on my way out."

"Okay. Well, have a good day and I'll talk to you soon. I love you, Connor."

"You too."

Connor hung up his phone and quickly gathered his things. He scurried down to the basement and pulled his bike out of storage. He glanced around, shoving his sunglasses higher up on his face. There wasn't anyone around. No one suspicious. No one strange. But he still didn't take a straight path to Jude's. He took a wandering one around campus before getting on the main road to Jude's apartment. He pedalled quickly and soon he was locking his bike to Jude's deck and pushing his key into the lock. The door swung open and Jude was curled on the couch, his eyes half open.

"Hey, baby."

Connor shut the door behind hi. "You look tired."

"I am. Mariana and I were up late."

Connor slipped off his shoes and dropped his bag by the door. He walked over to the couch and slid behind Jude. Jude curled his legs back and tangled them around Connor's legs. Connor buried his face against the back of Jude's neck.

"In a good way?"

"I was being dumb, thinking they would hate me. It doesn't mean I don't still feel like _I_ blame me but I guess I just had to hear it from her. I mean, out of all of us, Mariana's the best at talking to everyone and I know that she would know if anyone was feeling that way. I thought of how she could just be lying to me but there'd be nothing to gain from that. She's right. The fault is with Taylor. And I have to go to the next family dinner but that's going to be nice, I think. I hope."

"It will be."

"Mmm," Jude agreed sleepily and he held Connor's hand. "How was your night?"

"It's been too long since I spent a night alone," Connor admitted.

"You miss it?"

"No. I tossed all night. My bed was too small, my pillows too flat, and there was no you. I think that was the worst part."

"I love you," Jude said. "I really do."

Connor's heart skipped and thudded harder against his chest. He squeezed Jude's hand.

"Is everything okay?"

"Not totally. Not yet. But it's just going to get better, right?"

"You're sounding like me," Connor said.

"And you're sounding like me."

"Maybe it's a sign we're too close."

"I don't think I could be too close to you."

Connor pressed a kiss to the back of Jude's neck and then Jude spun around in his arms, both of his hands pressed to Connor's chest.

"I missed you too last night," Jude added. "Mariana kicks. I think I'm going to get bruises, if I don't have them already. Will you kiss them better?"

Jude was sleepy and flirting, and Connor felt as though his heart swelled, just looking at him.

"Well," he said carefully, "where did she kick you?"

"My legs … mostly." Jude tugged at the front of Connor's shirt and repeated, "Mostly."

Connor pressed his forehead to Jude's. Jude was so warm and he seemed so much more at peace. He kissed Jude softly, letting one hand trail the length of Jude's torso and skimmed it down to rest on the curve of Jude's thigh.

"Your poor legs."

"Which is why I need you to kiss them better," Jude said. "Only you can do it."

"Oh, really?" Connor's thumb skimmed the thick material of Jude's sweatpants. It was simple, it was nice, it was what he wanted from a lazy afternoon in Jude's arms. "Why's that?"

"It's too cheesy for me to say you're magic, right?"

"Right," Connor said.

Jude laughed. "I still mean that, though."

"I'm sure." Connor bit his lip and then he pushed against Jude's side so that he was laying flat against the couch cushions. "All right."

"All right, what?"

"Let's see your legs." Connor hooked his hands on the sides of Jude's sweatpants but didn't pull them down, giving Jude the chance to say no. "Unless you'd rather keep them to yourself."

"No," Jude said. "You already have every part of me."

"That's also too cheesy."

"You loved that one a little more though."

Connor did and he nodded absently, but that wasn't what he was thinking about right now. He pulled slightly at the waist of Jude's sweatpants, his eyes falling on the material of Jude's underwear. He had wanted to make sure Jude was wearing some; wasn't prepared for Jude to _not_.

"You don't have to, baby."

But it wasn't as if he didn't want to. It wasn't as if this was one of the things that sent him spiralling in fear. It was just legs. He had seen Jude without his shirt on and that hadn't killed him. He liked that. This wasn't so different. It was just legs, not arms. Connor readjusted his hold on Jude's pants and then slid them down Jude's body, over his feet to hit the floor.

"Holy shi –" Jude started, and then he cut himself off, instead saying, "I don't think I expected you to do that."

Connor rested his hands on Jude's legs, the coarse hair tickling his palms slightly. He grinned crookedly at Jude and then looked down.

"You know, I don't see any bruises."

"Oh, they're there," Jude assured him.

Connor moved his hand to cup the back of Jude's calf, bending Jude's leg for him.

"I don't see any bruises, Jude."

"Maybe your presence just heals me."

"You are on a roll today."

"You bring out the best of me."

Connor laughed and he pressed his lips to Jude's knee. It felt natural and right.

"I think you _are_ the best of me," Connor whispered. He put a hand on each of Jude's legs, just running them back and forth along the length of Jude's legs. Jude was so _warm_.

"Now who's being cheesy?"

"You still win," Connor replied.

"Yeah, okay, that's fair."

Connor touched his hand to the inside of Jude's thigh. The skin there was softer and he felt like his hands were too rough to touch Jude. More than that, he felt like he didn't know how to touch Jude the way that he deserved. That didn't stop him from touching Jude's other thigh, ghosting his fingertips along the skin there. He noticed the subtle twitch in the front of Jude's briefs and the simple movement excited him. The lack of fear was almost scary. One of Jude's legs stretched out and laid heavy across his lap. Acting on cautious instinct, Connor bent down and kissed Jude's other leg, low on the inside of Jude's thigh.

"So gentle, baby," Jude said. "I'm not going to break."

"I might," Connor said. "And I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't think you ever would."

"I don't want to. But even something accidentally …" Connor shook his head and whispered, "It almost always ended up hurting for me. I know that it doesn't always have to. Every now and then it didn't and those were the only times that I liked. And if we're going to, um, do anything like that, I just want to make sure that it's good for you. I don't want you to end up the same way that I did." Connor glanced up. "Wh-wh-why are you looking at me like _that_?"

"Because I love you," Jude said, pushing himself up so that he was sitting. "Because I can't believe you're real. How are you that amazing?"

Connor brushed his lips against Jude's cheek. "That's what I think about you all the time."

"I love you," Jude said again.

Connor pressed his lips to Jude's, just wanting to feel his body close to his. Jude's hands rested against Connor's chest and Connor pressed against him, his mouth whispering against Jude's. Connor brushed one hand through Jude's soft strands of hair. Everything about Jude was soft; he was soft and wonderful. And it was times like these that Connor could hardly believe that Jude was a real person in his life. He was far luckier than he deserved. Jude's arms slid around him as Connor gently laid Jude down on the couch. Jude squirmed so that he was laying on Connor's arms, their noses almost touching. Connor tried not to disturb Jude as he spread the plaid blanket over the two of them; he didn't want Jude's legs to get cold.

"You look so tired," Connor whispered. "You should nap."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "Doesn't mean I _want_ to, now that you're here."

"I'll still be here when you wake up."

"I know," Jude said. "I love that too."

Connor curled his arm around Jude's back, slowly massaging his fingers through Jude's hair. Jude's eyelids drooped and, finally, they closed completely. His breathing evened and he snorted slightly in his sleep. Connor pressed a kiss to Jude's forehead, mostly catching the strands of his hair. It made him happy to do it and he also like the thought of Jude doing so when Connor fell asleep first. Connor wasn't feeling sleepy in the slightest, but he settled in for several hours of not moving, watching the real estate reality show that Connor felt certain Mariana had been watching before she'd left and Jude had never bothered to change. He glanced at the remote, but it was too far away for him to grab, not that it mattered.

Jude tried to turn in his sleep but then his body seemed to realize it had nowhere to go and he flopped against Connor again. Connor's arms were going numb, but just like with the remote, he didn't dare move. Jude was so amazing and so trusting and as Connor stared at his sleeping face. Connor's heart ached as he thought of the time they had spent apart. He had missed this and if Jude wasn't as incredible as he was, Connor might not have ever have been able to come back here again.

A tear slipped down Connor's cheeks; he just couldn't fathom the thought of it. With Jude was where he belonged. Carefully, Connor reached down and took Jude's heavy hand in his own. This was where his heart belonged.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Daydream**_ **by Ruelle. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	69. True

Jude parked his car behind Lena's. He reached for his car door and then he just ended up pressing his forehead to the steering wheel, sucking in a deep breath. He wished that Connor were with him but he also knew that he had to do it on his own. He couldn't hide behind his boyfriend to face his family and he knew that it wasn't the right time to bring Connor. It was going to be the first time they had all been together since Callie's funeral. Not everyone was here yet but he was already paining over her absence. She should be here too.

He lifted is head and opened Gerald's door, shutting it gently behind him. He walked slowly up to the front door and let himself in. He could hear Jesus and Mariana already in the living room. He rounded the corner, itching from the way that they turned to stare at him. The conversation should just continue to flow, not cut off until he found a place to sit. He felt like he had to break the silence, even though his mothers were sitting right there.

"You stopped shaving again," he said to Jesus. He had come without his scraggly facial hair to the funeral.

"I think I like it better this way," Jesus responded quietly.

"You always look very handsome to us," Stef said.

"Thanks, Mom," Jesus said, in the long-suffering tone of a child.

Before Jude could really start to think about how awkward everything was, when it was clear to all of them that they were not going to speak of Callie even though she was on everyone's mind, the front door opened again.

"B?" Stef called. "Is that you?"

"Yeah. I stopped off and got the carrots, like you asked for."

"Thank you," Lena called.

Brandon shuffled by into the kitchen and, in Jude's opinion, took his sweet time joining the rest of them in the living room. Jude didn't think he blamed Brandon for that. He loved his family but it was sad to be with them, especially in Stef's and Lena's house, where Callie had been happiest, where photos of Callie still littered every surface. Family photos would still be taken and the rest of them would age, but Callie had been frozen in time. Jude looked down at his socks. He wanted to shake that thought but it was the only thing on his mind when he was sitting here with them.

Brandon finally joined them and with everyone there, Mariana and Moms began exchanging significant looks. Jude watched them glance back and forth twice and he was on the verge of asking what was going on when Mariana cleared her throat.

"Jude, uh, we decided something."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Well, we have something for you, more like," Jesus said.

Jude glanced at Brandon; he was the one most likely to give something away, if only because he usually wasn't as invested in things that were going on with Jude. But Brandon's face remained pale and impassive. Lena was the one who leant forward and placed a cloth bag on his lap. A soft scent puffed up from the bag – lightly floral. Callie's perfume. His heart constricted and Jude pulled the bag open. Inside, was Callie's hard-shelled camera case and some of her other accessories. He opened the bag and pulled the camera out; he was always surprised at how much it weighed.

"Thank you," he whispered, trying not to choke on his tongue. He pulled the camera out all the way, wondering what to do with it now. "We should take a photo. All of us."

It was what she would have wanted him to do with it.

He took his time turning the camera on, making sure the settings were right, lacking the confidence that Callie always had with it. When his family was settled around him, he stretched out his arm as far as it would go, making sure to capture every face. He put on his best smile and, after the photo had been taken and the poses had been dropped, he looked at the picture. It looked almost genuine. He was sure it would fool someone but he just thought it looked empty, much like the picture felt empty.

Lena gently rubbed his shoulder. "Callie would be very proud that you had that."

"Thank you," Jude whispered and he pressed his face against her side.

"Mariana talked to us about your visit," Lena continued in a whisper. Jude nodded as best as he could. "You aren't responsible. I wish you would have talked to us sooner."

"I know, I should have. I was just scared you would turn me away."

"You're our baby," Lena said. "We could never."

Jude rested his head in her lap. In his hands, he turned the camera over, imagining Callie doing the same thing.

"I guess I'm going to have to figure this out."

"We'll help," Lena promised him. "We will."

"I know." Jude felt tears gathering in his eyes and he quickly picked up the camera, pressing it to his eye and holding it up, taking a snapshot of Lena.

"You'll be okay, Jude."

"Probably," Jude agreed.

Someday.

(-.-)

Connor shook his highlighter and pressed it to the page again but it was dead. Connor capped it and leant his head back, stretching his spine. He sat up and checked the time on his phone. He had been studying for the entire six hours that Jude had been gone. He folded up his notebook and his textbook and pushed them to the side of the counter, going into the kitchen and popping last night's leftovers into the microwave for himself. Connor glanced out the small front window. It was dark now and he wondered what time he could expect Jude home.

He hoped it was soon, for his selfish reasons, but he also would be happy if Jude wanted to stay out until late, because it meant that he was having a good time with his family and Connor wanted that for him. He knew Jude needed it. Even if he preferred for Jude to be home. Connor ate his quiet dinner and, after cleaning the dishes, Connor started tending to his cactuses. He only had to give one the slightest bit of water. They didn't require _that_ much care, as much as liked to take care of them. Not for the first time, he idly wondered if he'd be better off with a pet instead of plants. His dorm room didn't allow for anything other than a singular small fish and he had no idea what Jude's lease was like or if Jude would even want a pet.

Perhaps he should just try to grow a different kind of flower. Perhaps there was something that Jude was partial to. It would only be fitting, since the pot would almost certainly end up in his house or on his small deck.

Connor pressed his pinkie finger into the soil of the last pot, angling his hand to avoid the worst of the spikes. The dirt was still damp and so he simply turned the cactus a little so a different side of it would get sunlight and then he had to leave the plants alone. He collected his journal and went over to the couch. He had just flicked on the TV, wondering if there was anything he'd want to watch, when the door opened. Connor jumped to his feet.

"Jude?"

Jude kicked off his shoes and put a beige bag on his nightstand. Connor turned with Jude's movements.

"Jude, how did it go?"

Jude's face was impassive as he crept up to Connor. He wrapped both of his arms around Connor, ducking his face to hide in Connor's shoulder. Connor's heart constricted; it must not have gone well. Jude pushed at him gently so that he fell to the couch, and then Jude straddled his lap, never looking up. His shoulders shook.

"Good or bad?"

Jude finally lifted his head and a smile broke out over his face. "It was good!"

"Really?"

"Really!" Jude said and he nodded happily. "I … I really can't believe I feel this good."

"What happened?"

"It was awkward. We ate. We sat around the table and it wasn't what it should have been. They gave me Callie's camera and … and then Mariana just started talking. About … about the first Christmas we spent with Stef and Lena. And then it just didn't stop. We just kept talking and talking and it felt like there was so much of her in the room. Like she was with us again. It was the best I've felt around them since before she died. I feel like … like I can go back to them now. Like things are going to be okay, in the end, with you and with my family, at least."

"I'm glad."

Jude's eyes met his. "But?"

"But, what?"

"Are you going to be mad if I ask about Taylor?"

Jude made a face. "I have to think about her, now."

"Why?"

"Right before I left Brandon … Brandon asked if it was okay if he talked to her. He said he knew Moms had and he was just going to go but with how he and feel about each other, he said it didn't feel right to him to just go without talking to me about it, because of how close Callie and I were and because of how Taylor was my best friend. So, I have to decide."

"What do you think you're going to say?"

"I think I'm going to say that if he needs it to feel like he can heal, then he can go but, that, unless I ask, I don't want to hear about what they said to each other."

"That's mature."

"Unexpectedly?"

Jude quirked an eyebrow up and Connor grinned up at him. He was so glad to see that Jude was happy and smiling.

"No. I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, baby. I love when you say things like that."

Connor pressed a kiss to Jude's jaw.

"What did you do today?"

"I just studied. It was kind of boring."

"Want to have fun with me?" Jude asked.

"What kind of fun?"

"We'd have to go back outside."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Let's go."

He wanted to keep that smile on Jude's face and he would have done nearly anything for it. Jude wasn't the type of person who ever deserved to be sad and after so long of watching him struggle to be happy, Connor wasn't going to take that away from him in the slightest. And he adored Jude's smile. He pressed a kiss to the side of Jude's mouth and Jude laughed lightly. He grabbed Connor's hands and pulled him out the door, the two of them barely stopping to put on their shoes. Jude locked the door and then they were out the door. Jude led the way up the hill to Gerald and opened Connor's car door for him with a flourish.

Connor sunk into the passenger seat. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Jude carefully shut the door and Connor pulled his seatbelt on. Jude got into the driver's side and peeled back onto the road.

"Jude, where are we going?"

"Going to get a snack. Will you put some happy music on, baby?"

Connor plugged his phone into the car's radio. "What kind of snack?"

"You have a choice."

"Yes?"

"Gelato or churros?"

"Oh. Do you have a preference?"

"It's your turn to pick."

"Um. Let's do churros. Um, with chocolate."

"How else would you have churros?" Jude asked, turning slightly to smile at Connor.

Connor grinned happily back and then he reached out, gently brushing Jude's elbow. Jude's hand fell away from the wheel to reach out and hold Connor's hand. Connor brushed his thumb along Jude's soft skin and glanced up at Jude's profile. He was happily singing along to the song, driving at the speed limit, and it was one of those rare moments that Connor felt truly _thankful_ to be alive and being able to be in the spot he was in. Jude turned into the parking lot of a late-night bakery and the moment the car was off, Connor leant across the console and pressed his head to Jude's shoulder.

"You okay, baby?"

"Yeah and I'm really glad you are too."

Jude kissed the top of his head "I'll be right back."

"I'm not coming in?"

"Oh, you can. I was just picturing us going home with them. It's not like we're that far. You want to eat in or eat out?"

"Um. No, take it home. You're right."

Jude's apartment was _home_. It was so easy and natural to refer to it that way.

"How many churros do you want?"

"Not too many. I need to go to the gym."

"Well, if you're going to the gym, all the more reason to eat as many churros as you can!"

Connor laughed again and Jude left the car. Alone in the silence, Connor slumped down so that he couldn't be well seen and then tried to subtly peek out all of the windows. There were a few people milling about the parking lot but there wasn't anyone that jumped out at him. The longer time went on, the more he had to wonder if Adam was right. If he was just being too paranoid. But no one knew what his ex was up to now. He locked the doors of the car, watching the door of the bakery so that when Jude started walking out, a box in his hands, he could reach over and unlock the door for him.

"Hold this. Careful, though, it's hot."

Connor accepted the box into his lap, feeling the warmth seep into his leg. Jude rushed home, wanting to get them back to the apartment before the churros cooled. They were alone on the road and they made good time. They walked down the hill hand in hand and Connor almost hated to let go of Jude's warm skin so that Jude could open the door for them. Connor paused to lock the door while Jude flicked on some of the lamps for low lighting.

"Do you think we need plates?" Connor asked.

"We can just eat out of the box," Jude said. "Napkins, though."

Connor grabbed a pile of paper towels to use as napkins and then he took a spot on his usual stool. He went to open the box and then hesitated, instead waiting for Jude to sit next to him. It was only then that he opened the top of the box and let the sweet, fried scent of churros fill the room. Jude was quick to grab the container of thick chocolate sauce and pop it open.

"That smells really good too," Connor commented.

Jude picked up the first churro and dipped it and then held the end out to Connor.

"Sure?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, I bought, like, a million. Take a bite, baby."

Connor leant forward, taking the first bite of the churro. A trickle of chocolate ran down from the side of his mouth. Jude darted forward and licked it off his face and Connor laughed.

"Jude!"

"What? Is it that different from this?" Jude pressed a messy kiss to Connor's jaw.

"It's a little different." Connor dipped the other end of the churro in the chocolate. "Your turn."

Jude turned his head and took the churro from Connor, his lips brushing Connor's fingers. Connor dropped his hand, catching Jude's legs and pulling them up toward his own lap. Jude's legs were heavy as he leant into Connor, his stool wobbling beneath him.

"Careful," Connor warned.

"You'll catch me," Jude said confidently and instinctively, Connor put his hand against Jude's waist.

Jude laughed and picked up another churro, liberally coating it in chocolate sauce before popping it in his own mouth. Connor's eyes fell on the chocolate smeared along the top of Jude's lip and Connor remembered when he had baked a cake for Jude and he had gotten chocolate on him then; then, Jude had said that Connor had missed an opportunity to kiss the chocolate off him and Connor wasn't going to waste that opportunity now. He pressed his lips to Jude's and he heard the wobble of Jude's stool as Jude leant in even closer to him. Connor slipped his hand under Jude's shirt and the feel of his skin was something that Connor wanted more of. He thought of Jude's long legs and his pale torso and he wondered, seriously wondered, what it would be like to see all of him at once. Like Jude was running with his burst of happiness, Connor decided to run with that feeling.

"Jude," he whispered, "I want to try something."

"Okay," Jude agreed, his hand pressed the Connor's chest. "What is it?"

"I want … I want to see you n-naked," Connor stammered, feeling his cheeks go red. He trailed his hands up the inside of Jude's thigh. "I guess I just want to see you … Um, want to touch you."

"You mean that?"

Connor bent his head to press his lips tight to Jude's, trying to show him just what Connor was feeling on the inside right now, as Connor knew he didn't have the words to express himself clearly. Jude's breath caught and he pressed himself more and more toward Connor. Connor slid from the stool and pulled Jude toward him, picking him up.

"You can do whatever you want to me," Jude said, leaning his head back and letting out a laugh.

"I'm sure you have a limit."

"Oh, maybe," Jude said and he didn't sound convinced. "I'll let you know if I find it."

"Okay."

Connor put Jude down on the bed, letting him fall back against the mattress. Jude was smiling brightly at him. All the time Connor had spent trying not to equate the bed with sex or anything related to it but here they were. And Connor … wanted it. He surprised himself with liking the way that Jude was looking at him and he didn't hesitate as he pulled Jude's shirt over his head.

"You don't have to look so serious, baby," Jude said.

"Sorry. It's just …" Connor shook his head and then he let his hands wander up Jude's sides.

"Hard?"

"In more ways than one," Connor mused and he wasn't expecting Jude to laugh as exuberantly as he did.

The smile stayed on Jude's face, even as he leant up on his elbows and asked the serious question of, "Are you thinking of me or him?"

"I am thinking of _you_ but, um, I am kind of thinking of how I felt with him. Of how something like this would probably hurt and … I don't want that for me. I don't want that for you."

"You're not going to hurt me. And I'm not going to hurt you. Trust me, okay? I trust you."

"You're the person I trust most in the world."

"And, smile, baby," Jude said, pressing his lips to Connor's. "I love you."

The kiss dashed away any of the hesitation that had begun to sink into him. He kissed Jude again, as deeply as he possibly could. He reached his hand down and touched the button on Jude's jeans, trying desperately not to flash back to the times he had done it before. It was Jude and it was the first time that he was going to go this far with Jude.

"You're not stripping me and staying clothed, are you?" Jude murmured as Connor pulled his zipper down.

"Uh, no?" Connor guessed. He wasn't sure. He hadn't gotten that far in his thoughts. He had only been thinking of Jude as he shook from the inside out from slight nerves and from definite excitement.

Jude gripped the bottom of Connor's shirt. "If you're going to see me naked, when am I going to get to see you naked?"

The fact that Jude was smiling and relaxed helped so much. It didn't have to be so serious.

"Not today?" Jude guessed.

"No. I … I just want to see how this goes first. This is going to be enough for tonight."

"Almost enough." Jude lifted the hem of his shirt. "I won't touch your head, I promise. Trust me."

"I'll trust you."

Even though he said it, he still ducked his head while Jude pulled at his shirt. It came over his head and he took a deep breath, realizing that he was safe. He was safe, everything was fine. Everything was more than fine. He was happy; excited. He pulled Jude's jeans free from his legs and didn't pause to think about where they were falling on the floor before he pushed himself all the way onto the bed, Jude's legs falling open around his hips as Connor covered Jude's body with his own. Jude's hand gripped tightly as his shoulder blade, pulling Connor down even more so there was no space between their bodies. Connor kissed Jude, feeling as if every part of his body was alive and being touched by Jude. Jude's hips jerked up into Connor and Connor dropped his hand, under Jude's thigh, sliding his fingers up under the leg of Jude's underwear. Jude gasped as Connor's fingers brushed against him and Connor retreated, his old fear sneaking back in. He pressed his lips to Jude's neck and was surprised when Jude moaned his name.

The low, guttural sound igniting something inside of him. Connor kissed Jude's neck again, thinking about how he had always wished to be touched and what he thought Jude would like. Because that was what was important to him. If Jude didn't like it, then he was doing something completely wrong. Jude reached down and grabbed one of Connor's hands. Connor grabbed tightly onto him, feeling anchored. He would hold onto Jude for as long as Jude wanted to hold onto him back. He kissed his way down Jude's body: his collarbone, along his chest, straight down across his stomach. Jude's breath hiccupped every time Connor touched his body, and he hoped it meant that was doing something right.

The edge of Connor's chin touched Jude's briefs and he felt a touch of the old fear come rushing back to him. But it was different. A different man; a different feeling. Connor moved out from between Jude's legs and used his free hand to start pulling his briefs down. Jude wiggled his body, trying to help, but Connor just ended up laughing, leaving Jude's underwear around his knees.

"You look like a slug!"

"My body or my –"

"Your body!" Connor cried, hiding his head against Jude's shoulder. "I wouldn't … I wouldn't have –"

But then he started laughing again, barely registering the bed squeak and corresponding _flop_ that was Jude kicking his underwear free.

"I mean, I was _hoping_ you wouldn't, but you surprise me so much, baby."

"In a bad way?" Connor asked, picking up his head to watch Jude's eyes as his fingers crept across the flesh of Jude's thigh.

"No, not in a bad way." Jude sounded breathless and his eyes flickered to Connor's lips.

Connor took a deep breath and pressed his lips to Jude at the same time that he took Jude's hardness into his hand, the delicate skin soft against his palm. A whimper sounded from Jude and when Connor started to move his hand, Jude sucked Connor's bottom lip into his mouth and Connor felt the brush of his teeth. He almost stopped cold, expecting a bite, expecting to feel his own blood fill his mouth. But it didn't come. Jude let go of him to draw in a breath, his hand tightening against Connor's so much it was almost painful but Connor didn't move. He just watched Jude's face as he rested his body against the side of Jude's. Jude's breath quickened, his hand gripping Connor's and the free one grasping at blankets. His hips thrust toward Connor's hand and Connor tried to move faster, tried to give him what he wanted. Connor kissed Jude's bare shoulder, because he wanted to touch him more. He wanted _more_ of Jude's body, on him, around him. _More._

 _"_ Oh," Jude gasped. "Connor, I'm going … I'm going to …"

"It's okay, it's okay," Connor said as Jude swore low under his breath.

Jude turned his head and Connor kissed him again, even as a low, needy whine came from Jude. Then, in his hand, Jude tensed and something warm hit Connor's palm. Connor tried to cup his hand and tried not to make a mess of the bed until Jude had finished shaking beneath him and relaxed back against the bed.

"I need to go wash my hands," Connor said.

Jude nodded and Connor scurried to the bathroom, quickly washing his hands, mostly because he wanted to be back with Jude. He heard Jude moving around in the other room but, when he finished taking off his jeans and sliding the sweatpants he'd been wearing last night back on, and walked back to Jude, Jude was almost in the same spot, now, though, he had his underwear back on. Connor crawled into bed next to Jude and Jude immediately turned into him, hooking his leg over Connor's and hiding in his chest.

"Was it bad?" Connor whispered.

"No!" Jude leant his head back and laughed. "No. It was good. I liked it." Concern crept into Jude's eyes. "What do you think?"

"I think I liked it. I know I liked making you feel that way. I … I just didn't want to hurt you."

"You didn't," Jude insisted. "It makes me want more. It makes me want to return the favour."

Jude kissed the long scar along the top of Connor's chest and nudged the front of his hips against Connor's, teasing Connor's own hardness.

"Not tonight. That was … enough for tonight."

Jude finally looked up at him, his brown eyes enough to melt Connor's heart. He smiled, sweet and teasing. "But we'll do it again?"

"Yeah," Connor replied, hardly believing he was saying it. "I think we'll do it again."

Jude's hand was hot on Connor's hip and slipped a few fingers under Connor's sweatpants, just enough to touch skin. Just enough to be a "Tease."

Jude shrugged, completely unapologetic. "Just a little. What are you going to do about it?"

Connor just kissed Jude's forehead, feeling Jude melt against him.

"I love you," Jude said, and then he pushed his leg down, turning Connor onto his back. Jude slung his legs over Connor's, sitting comfortable on top of him. "You know I mean that, right?"

"I think I've mostly accepted it," Connor agreed.

"Oh, that's romantic."

"Sorry," Connor murmured. "It's the truth, though. I'm … accepting."

"But you don't like it."

"Um. We-well, I, um, don't know if I'd say like. B-b-but, I um, think th-that if you said you'd, um, made a … a … a mistake, I would miss it."

He was relieved when Jude smiled at him and the slid his fingers down Connor's bare chest, pressing his left hand over Connor's heart.

"What are you doing?" Connor asked.

"I'm in love with you," Jude said and then a strange smile took over his face. "I wanted to feel if your heart would speed up."

"It pretty much always does." Connor pushed himself up on his hands to rub his nose against Jude's.

"Would churros at midnight make your heart speed up?" Jude asked, slightly curling his fingers into Connor's skin. He cocked his head to the side. "No, not really."

"Not really," Connor agreed. "But I will heat up the churros for you."

"How'd you guess that was what I wanted?"

"It's not hard." Connor ghosted his lips across Jude's cheek.

"Well, thanks baby, I love you."

"Okay, that's, like, three times in the past five minutes."

"I mean it more every time." Jude grinned wildly and Connor could almost count each of his bright teeth. "Okay, I'll wait for you here."

"Oh, no," Connor said. "You're not eating in bed because I'm not changing the bed or sleeping in crumbs."

Jude laughed, almost incredulous. "It's my bed!"

"Then take me back to my bed after you're done with the churros."

"No!" Jude protested, wrapping his arms around the trunk of Connor's torso. "I like it better when you're in my bed."

"I kind of like your bed better too. But I meant what I said about not sleeping in crumbs."

"I'm sure you did. But I don't want to move, so …"

Jude was so transparent. Connor picked him up and left him on the couch, going to heat their hastily abandoned churros and chocolate.

"I love that you can do that, you know," Jude said.

"I know."

It didn't take long before the hot churros were sitting on the coffee table, layered on a new plate. Connor held the chocolate bowl in one hand while Jude snuggled under his other arm, dipping churros into the chocolate and alternatively feeding himself and Connor. It was like a scene from a movie again. It was something perfect and sweet and Connor just didn't want the night to end. He tightened his arms around Jude and rested his head against his warm hair.

"Thank you for being part of my life," Connor whispered.

Jude fed him another bite of churro and Connor only half-watched how far away Jude's hand was. Jude was careful to feed him only from the long bites so that he wasn't in any danger of touching Connor's skin.

"No, baby," Jude corrected as gently as possible, "thank you for being part of mine."

Connor couldn't even begin to imagine how he could be so genuine about it or how he could have made a bigger impact on Jude's life than Jude had been on his. But one look at Jude's face and Connor knew that Jude was being true and genuine. His heart didn't know how to handle that. It skipped and beat anxiously inside of his chest. Jude picked up the last churro, unaware of Connor's scared heart. Connor kissed Jude's temple, lingering. Even though Jude was the thing that scared him and made him feel like running from his feelings, Jude was also the thing that grounded him. The fact that Jude was real and solid next to him was the very thing that made him feel better.

"Last bite," Jude said. "Make it good!"

Connor took his last bite of the churro but he didn't really feel like he was tasting it. He just couldn't take his eyes off Jude; his boyfriend was all that he could think about. He felt like there was something inside of him that wanted to do something more, that felt like there should be something that he could do for Jude that would make them both happier. But he floundered with no way to really let Jude know how he was feeling inside and he just held Jude as close as he possibly could.

It was all that he could do.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **True**_ **by Ryan Cabrera. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	70. Better Man

Connor wrote down his and Jude's flight itinerary in his journal, looking at the e-mail that his father had just sent him. He knew he didn't _have_ to write it down there but he needed something to do while he spoke to his father. He looked down at the dark blue numbers staring back at him. What was he going to do with a week at home? What was he going to do with Jude? Was there anything that Jude would want to do? He lowered his head to rest against his open textbook and wished that Jude were home so that Connor could ask everything right away. But Jude was at work and he was supposed to be studying for the exams that he were coming up.

"I'm glad you're still coming."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You've been speaking to me differently since we talked about Rachel and how I discussed Jude with her."

"It's not my responsibility to make you see the light. I wish you would. It would make being around you easier and more comfortable. I'm not going to cut you out because of it but it makes me trust you less. And, I'm not going to tolerate you saying anything bad about Jude. He doesn't deserve it and he doesn't have ties to you like I do."

"Connor, I won't disrespect him," Adam promised. "He's a guest in my house."

"I will … believe it when I see it," Connor said.

"That's fair and I understand it," Adam said. "I promise things will be good. I want you and he to feel comfortable here."

"I will see you soon."

"Not soon enough. Your exams haven't started yet, have they?"

"No, it's still too early for that," Connor said. "I'm starting to get ready for them, though."

"Good luck. Before I let you go, are you still willing to meet Rachel when you are home?"

"Do you still want me to?"

"Yes. I really do like her and she feels the same about me but I don't want it to get more serious until the two of you have met."

"I can make dinner," Connor offered.

"Oh, you don't have to. We could go out."

"I would like to do something to impress her," Connor said. "If she's that important to you, then I want her to like me."

"She will," Adam said confidently. "You and Jude. He is a hard man not to like."

"Thank you for that."

"Okay, I'll let you get back to your studying. Good luck with your exams, Connor. I love you."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hung up the phone and put it down on the edge of the coffee table. His will to keep studying was drained but he propped himself up on his hand and looked down at his textbook, reaching for his pen. He had to keep going for as long as he possibly could.

(-.-)

Jude yawned, loud and long, into his hands, stumbling down the street. Getting off work at four in the morning was brutal and he would never say that he genuinely loved his convenience store job. That being said, it was a lot safer than thinking about graduating university and going out and finding a real job. Knowing how the world worked, Jude was sure that he would end up working his convenience job for a few years yet. That didn't bother him; he knew it wouldn't be his life. He yawned again and glanced up at the dark night sky. It was too late to be thinking about that and his thoughts drifted to something better: his warm bed, Connor curled up and asleep on one side. It was that thought that got him to move as quickly as he did down the hill to his front door. To his surprise, the lights were still on inside. He opened the door slowly; he couldn't imagine that Connor was still awake.

Connor was sleeping, splayed over his textbook with his pen still in his hand. Jude shut and locked the door behind him.

"Baby," Jude called. "Baby."

Connor didn't move.

"Connor, come on."

Nothing.

Jude left him sitting there while he went and put on his own pyjamas. He glanced at Connor and was glad that he hadn't fallen asleep in jeans. Jude shuffled over to Connor's side.

"It's bed time, Connor." Jude tapped the top of Connor's arm and Connor bolted awake immediately. "Baby, it's just Jude."

Connor's breath hiccoughed. "It hurts."

"What?" Jude felt a little more awake. "What hurts?"

"My neck." Connor sounded on the verge of panicked tears. "My neck hurts!"

"You fell asleep at a bad angle, baby, that's all. I'll go get you the ice pack I have, okay? Try and stretch it out."

"It hurts," Connor whimpered. "Make it stop, make it stop, please, I can't."

Jude thought of Connor's ex's hands around his throat and he felt like he was going to throw up. He focused on picking the ice pack out of the fridge and carrying it back to his boyfriend.

"It's okay, baby, you're safe," Jude said. "No one's going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt you."

He put the ice pack on the coffee table and took a step back. Connor would need his space. Even if Jude wanted to collapse down on the couch and fall asleep. Connor slowly reached out with one hand and inched the ice pack toward him. His hands were trembling so bad that it made Jude start to feel dizzy.

"You can go to bed, Jude," Connor whispered. "I can't … I can't …"

"And I can't leave you alone like this," Jude said and he lowered himself to the floor, feeling his legs sigh with relief.

"I don't want to do this," Connor whimpered. "I don't want to be like this. I want to be normal. I want … I want … I want …"

His voice whimpered out and died as he hid his face away in his hands.

"Baby, it's okay. Think about how little this happens now. You're doing so much better than you have been," Jude said. "Something like this is just a little setback, it's not the end of the world. And it's not who you are."

Nothing seemed to make Connor feel better. Jude curled his legs underneath of him and propped his head up on his hand.

"What can I do?" he asked. "Anything at all, Connor, just ask."

Connor shook his head and then he winced. Jude sympathetically winced with him. Connor pressed the ice pack softly to his neck.

"Sometimes, I still feel it. The choking. The end," Connor whispered. "I thought I was going to die."

"I know," Jude said. "I can't imagine what it's like."

"It's just a neck ache. It shouldn't have to be more than a neck ache."

Jude just watched the tears stream down Connor's face and he had to wrap his arms around himself. He wanted to reach out to Connor so badly.

"It's not," Jude said. "Maybe try and remember that? That it's just a neck ache. You just fell asleep wrong. It's not anything more than that and it's not what it once was. No one hurt you."

"I fell asleep wrong."

"That's all."

"I talked to Dad. I fell asleep on my textbook. That happened."

"I guess so," Jude said. "You were sleeping on the coffee table when I got home."

Connor looked at him with watery eyes. "You were at work."

"Yeah, until four in the morning."

"You should be sleeping."

"And I will … once you're comfortable enough to sleep too. I'm not leaving you."

Fresh tears streaked down Connor's face.

"Oh, baby."

"Go to bed, Jude," Connor said. "I'm going to be awake for a while."

"But you won't wake me up if you need me."

"It's for me to deal with."

"It doesn't mean I don't want to be here for you," Jude said. "Unless I'm bothering you."

"I don't know."

"So, I'll sit here until you do."

"Thank you," Connor whispered, though his voice was nearly non-existent.

Jude leant his head in his hand, trying not to stare awkwardly at Connor as he shuffled around, but he didn't know where else to look. Connor fell silent and Jude felt his eyes start to drift as his body collapsed forward. He straightened up and tried not to let it show too badly. He felt like an hour had gone by and the sky was noticeably lightening, but still, nothing more had been said, and neither of them had really moved. Jude's eyes fell shut again and this time, they didn't open again.

(-.-)

Jude woke up slowly, the smell of coffee shocking his brain. He sat up and realized that he was in bed, completely alone. And judging by how the other side of the large bed looked, Connor had never come to bed last night. At least, not with him. Jude threw the covers from his body and pushed open the curtains on the bed. It was a sunny Saturday and from how bright it was, Jude thought it looked late. He squinted at the kitchen clock. Nearly one in the afternoon. And then, Jude realized something else. He was alone. The bathroom door was open, the TV was off, and there was no Connor. Jude glanced around. Connor's textbook was still on the corner of the coffee table, true, but his backpack and shoes were gone. Jude shuffled toward the kitchen a little, unsure if he should text Connor or not, and then he noticed something else: Connor's journal, sitting open in front of his usual seat on the counter. Jude pulled the book toward him, finding a note.

 _Jude, went to get breakfast groceries at 12:47. I started the coffee for you. Be home soon. Call me if you need anything. – Connor_

Jude picked up the pen that Connor had left next to his journal and doodled a heart at the top of the next page so Connor would find it next time he opened it, and then shut the journal. He made his way toward the coffee maker, realizing just how clean the kitchen looked. Connor hadn't slept last night – that much was clear. Feeling even more terrible about having fallen asleep, Jude poured his coffee. He picked up his mug and walked around the apartment, trying to figure out what he could do to make Connor feel better. But everything had been cleaned and if Connor was out getting groceries for breakfast, then he must have an idea about what he wanted to make, and would probably be upset if Jude started cooking for him.

Jude made his bed but it didn't look nearly as good as when Connor did it. He sat down on the couch, feeling like a useless boyfriend. As much as he wanted to do something, he just had no idea what the right thing might be. Connor was so sensitive. It would be so easy to do something wrong. He was halfway through a sitcom rerun when the front door opened.

"Hey," Jude said, immediately standing.

"Hi."

Jude rushed over and took one of the large bags from Connor.

"How was grocery shopping?"

"Fine. It's a grocery store. What can you say?"

"I guess." Jude trailed behind him on the way to the kitchen. "And, last night? I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"You had been awake way too long," Connor said. "I don't blame you. I was … overreacting. It was just a sore neck."

"Yeah, but, I don't blame you for that."

Jude paused in unpacking the grocery bag, watching for Connor's reaction, but Connor didn't have one. Jude picked the green onions out of the bag and put them in the fridge, taking the eggs from Connor and sliding them into the fridge too.

"Thank you for putting me in bed," Jude added.

"I wasn't going to leave you on the floor," Connor said. "I was worried I was going to wake you up though."

"I _was_ really tired," Jude said.

"It was probably a good thing," Connor mused. "It … kind of helped me stretch. I did some cleaning but I was worried I was going to wake you, so I made myself go to sleep. But it was only for a couple of hours. Then I did some more cleaning and then I decided I should go grocery shopping. I thought you'd be hungry when you woke up."

"It didn't look like you came to bed last night."

"I slept on the couch," Connor said quickly, and he folded the empty grocery bag, sliding it under the sink. Jude pulled the thick package of bacon out of his bag and tossed it in the fridge, giving Connor his grocery bag to put away. "I thought it would be better. I just felt like I was going to keep panicking."

"I'm sorry. Do you want some coffee? It's still hot."

"No. I, uh, I think it'll make me too jumpy."

"Sure."

Jude watched Connor flail helplessly in the kitchen for a moment and he wanted to sigh. The kitchen was where Connor was usually so confident and in control. Jude wanted to comfort him – he knew Connor needed it and Jude wanted it – but he didn't know if it would be invading Connor's space or not. And Jude was just so frustrated at not knowing what to do with his own boyfriend and, if he were being honest, he was a little frustrated too with Connor's inability to tell him what he needed or what he wanted.

"I need you to tell me something, baby," Jude said. There was no point in keeping it inside.

"Anything," Connor said.

"No, I just need to know how to help you. I need to know what to do. Even if you just tell me you need more space. I just feel like I'm failing you."

"N-n-no!" Connor exclaimed. "I'm … I mean, this isn't ... I … Please, don't feel like that. You've done everything exactly right. It's just that this is something that I need to work through internally. I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel like you're doing something wrong."

"But you'll tell me if there's something I can do?" Jude asked, and held his breath until Connor nodded.

"Yes. Actually, I think there is."

"Anything."

"Will you help me make breakfast?"

Jude grinned. "Yes. You don't even have to ask on that one."

"I wouldn't want to assume," Connor commented, and then he stretched his hand out. Jude gladly took it and let Connor pull him closer. Connor whispered, "I'm sorry. You aren't the same man, at all, and I should stop treating you like you're going to turn into him if I do something wrong. You're not. I should trust you more because I know you better than that."

"Thank you," Jude whispered back. It was rare that Connor had the exact right words to say but it warmed him from the inside out. "I love you."

Connor leant up onto his toes and gently kissed Jude's lips. "Let's get cooking, okay? I've been hungry since I left the grocery store."

"Then we can't wait! Let's go!" Jude paused. "Uh, what was it you wanted to make?"

"A cheeseburger omelette and hash browns."

"Yes! Okay, teach me!"

"Teach you?" Connor repeated.

"I don't want to just watch you. I want to actually be helpful. Come on, teach me." Jude smiled, trying to be cute, trying to lighten the moment. "I'm teachable!"

Connor just stared at him for a moment and then a tiny, slow smile began to spread over his face. "You aren't the same at all, are you?"

"I hope not."

"I think you were right," Connor continued slowly.

"About what?"

Connor tugged Jude forward again and wrapped his arms around Jude's waist, loose and soft.

"You said that, um, your love was … or would be, I guess, at the time, was different from his. I guess I'm really glad, Jude, that you're willing to put up with me. I don't know who I'd be without you, now, and I … I like me. I like me w-w-with you."

Jude wrapped his arms tight around Connor. He wanted to have his arms full of his boyfriend; he wanted to be able to feel the heave of his breath if he concentrated, and he wanted to sneak his hand up and press it over Connor's rapidly beating heart. Connor twisted their hands together and they were trapped between their two bodies. Jude bent his head and kissed Connor. Connor's free arm wrapped tightly around Jude's neck, holding Jude to him. Jude was taken aback with the fever that Connor kissed him with, but he fell into Connor's embrace whole-heartedly.

"I love you," Jude said when they separated slightly. "And now I'm going to make sure you get fed."

"Jude –"

"No, no, like we did with the popcorn," Jude said. "You sit up on the counter and boss me around and I will make breakfast for you."

"You don't think I'm bossy, do you?"

"No, not at all," Jude said. "But, you're going to have to become a little bossy today."

Connor made a face.

"Just a little?" Jude said. "You might even find you like it."

"I like _you_ ," Connor said and he lifted himself onto the counter. "It doesn't feel right to sit up here."

"That's half the fun. So, where do I start?"

"You have to start cutting the vegetables. Um, this is going to be hard."

"What else is new?" Jude said, and he shrugged. "Vegetables, coming up."

Jude grabbed a cutting board and brandished a knife.

"Please don't cut your finger off," Connor pleaded.

"Baby, how long have we been together?"

"Um, like, almost two months."

"Or, like, almost six," Jude corrected, starting to cut up the vegetables, watching his fingers more carefully than he might have if Connor hadn't made a comment about them.

"We broke up," Connor said, his voice so small and sad that Jude just wanted to cling to him.

"You were the one that said you never thought of us as broken up."

"Yeah, but, I was also the one who said I never wanted to see you again."

"That worked out well," Jude said, trying to be sarcastic even though his whole being ached at the memory of Connor's absence. That whole time period had been too hard; there had been entirely too much going on.

"It did for _me_ ," Connor said. "I don't know what you're getting out of this deal."

"You," Jude said, dropping the knife to the cutting board and grabbing onto Connor's hands. "I love you. You're sweet and thoughtful and funny and such a good cook and my best friend and you … You feel like home to me, Connor. You feel like the safest place for me to be and I can't wait until you understand how I feel about you."

"You mean love you too?" Connor asked, his tone going flat.

"No, no, baby. Just understand me. Trust how I feel. Know for sure that you are the … the third greatest thing that ever happened to me."

Connor cocked his head to the side, his long hair drifting across his eyes. Jude resisted the urge to push it away. "After getting adopted and?"

"And being Callie's brother," Jude said. "If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been adopted and if I'd never been adopted, I never would have lived a life where I'd get to meet you."

"You're too sweet."

"Getting a cavity?"

"A little bit. But, you know, I do kind of like it."

"Good."

Connor's hand cupped Jude's jaw and Jude was surprised at the strength in his steady fingers as Connor guided Jude's face toward his before kissing him so sweetly that Jude felt he was going to end up with a cavity.

"I'm in love with you," Jude whispered against Connor's lips.

"You've only known me for seven months."

"And I've loved you for nearly all of them."

"That's terrifying," Connor said, and his hand fell away from Jude.

"Some things you just know."

Connor considered that, his hair swinging to the other side of his face. Connor shoved it away. "I guess … I guess I must have known something about you. With the way I trusted you, I mean."

"Past tense."

"I just meant before I had a _real_ reason too," Connor said, his cheeks colouring with a blush.

Jude grinned and kissed Connor's cheek. "I'm glad you have a reason now."

"More than one," Connor said confidently. "Although I don't know if your breakfast promises are one of them."

"Oh, well, that's easy to fix," Jude said, turning back to the cutting board. "You'll be having breakfast before you know it."

"And, then, after, I'd like your help with something. Please."

"Anything," Jude promised. "Do you think that's enough onion?"

"Yeah, but you should get the beef started," Connor said.

"Sure," Jude said. "So, what am I helping you with?"

"I need to cut my hair."

"What can I do to help?"

"Hold a small mirror up behind me so I can see better," Connor said. "Usually I try and tape it to my wall but it gets complicated."

"I'm always happy to be of use to you."

"Oh, do two more eggs, please, I'm really hungry."

"Sure."

They lapsed into a companionable silence that was only broken by Connor who, every so often, gave a small instruction about seasoning or stirring. Even so, Jude found it was much easier than he'd been anticipating. Still, he didn't _like_ cooking. He'd do it for Connor but he just didn't understand the joy that took over Connor when he was making a recipe. Jude was just glad to see it through to the end, piling the eggs and hash browns onto two plates for them while Connor got the orange juice.

"It's not quite as good as yours," Jude said.

"You haven't even tasted it yet," Connor said quickly. "If I'm not allowed to do that to myself then you're definitely not."

Jude hooked his foot around Connor's, swinging their legs back and forth. He watched as Connor took a bite.

"And," Connor added, "I really like it. Thank you for breakfast."

Jude grinned happily. When he dug into his food, he had the lingering thought that it wasn't as good as it could have been and it definitely was nowhere near what it would have been if Connor had made it himself but Jude had to admit that it wasn't completely bad. It was good enough for Connor to go back and eat more than one more plate of it, which definitely made Jude feel a rush of pride. When breakfast was done and the dishes put away, Connor led Jude into the washroom.

"I'm nervous about this," Connor confessed.

"It's okay. You can trust me."

"Yes," Connor agreed, but Jude wished that he sounded a bit more confident about it.

Connor dug out a small hand mirror and put it in Jude's hands, resting a pair of scissors on the bathroom counter.

"Where should I stand with this?" Jude asked. "We don't have a lot of room."

Connor looked around. "Um. You might have to stand in the tub. I'm sorry. I can do it by myself –"

"What? It's not the end of the world for me to stand in my own tub," Jude said. "Okay, here. Can you see okay if I hold it up like this or … Where do my arms need to be?"

Connor slowly turned his back on Jude and faced the mirror. "Up a little … to the left … back down just … Yeah, like that, thank you."

Connor quickly spread a towel on the floor for him to stand on and then he pulled his shirt over his head. He turned his back on Jude again and picked up the scissors. In the mirror, Jude could see Connor anxiously chewing on his lip, but then Jude dropped his gaze from Connor's face to look at his back, focusing on the tiny white scars that he couldn't help but compare to the stars: without rhyme or reason, clustered together and far apart. Connor held the scissors up and quickly began snipping. Jude became almost dizzy as he watched the scissors flash. He wondered how Connor could figure out if it was going to look good or not by moving like that. Clumps started to litter the kitchen counter and sink as Connor worked his way around his head. His movements slowed as his concentration went up. Without the constant snapping of the scissors for Jude to focus on, he became aware of how his arms ached. He didn't want to let out as much as a tremble – partly because he didn't want Connor to see it and partly because he didn't want to admit that it was making his muscles ache _that much_ to hold up a mirror.

Finally, Connor ducked his head and shook out his hair, letting small strands fall out of his head.

"How does it look?"

"Even," Jude said, lowering the mirror. "And you look good."

"Thanks. Um, I'll sweep the bathroom and then I want to shower."

"Can I shower with you?" Jude asked.

Connor froze, his eyes snapping up to look at Jude's face. "Um … Wh-what?"

"I'm mostly kidding," Jude said. "Unless you really did want to."

The smallest frown formed on Connor's face, but he didn't look upset, just like he was concentrating. Connor leant against the bathroom counter, his jeans low on his lips and his muscles tensed from the way he was holding himself. Jude got distracted by the sharp V of Connor's hips and almost forgotten he'd asked a question.

"I don't … don't know if I'm quite there yet," Connor murmured. "It just … I can't … It's hard to picture how it would work."

Jude's mind half went on another tangent, with nudity but no shower, and then he brought himself to the present. "Is the water part what's confusing you?"

Connor looked like he almost wanted to laugh but couldn't quite figure out if Jude was fully mocking him or not. "I understand how water works." Connor deliberated a moment. "I just feel like it would only be me being uncomfortable and, um, I don't think you'll be able to avoid touching me."

Jude stepped out of the tub, intentionally hit his toes against Connor's and then bumping their elbows together. "Touching doesn't always mean sexual, even if we're naked."

"Seems to defeat the purpose of being naked," Connor said, and then he blushed. His voice was small as he added, "And you've never seen me that way."

"You shouldn't be embarrassed about how you look," Jude said.

Connor shook his head. "He … Nothing was ever right with me. My hair was too long, I wasn't muscled enough, there was too much fat on my arms, I was getting too skinny. I was … I was always something. I wanted to be attractive. I wanted to be like the men he picked up in bars."

"You're _hot_ , Connor. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about! Your hair is great, your muscles are more than great. You … You are worth more to me than one more night. The more I know you, the hotter you become. And because I love you, you're nearly perfect."

" _Nearly?_ "

"Only because no one is and I thought you'd get at me more for calling you perfect."

"You're right about that."

Connor stroked the inside of Jude's forearm as they leant against the bathroom counter together.

"Did you ever shower with Dylan?"

"No," Jude said. "Never really wanted to and never really had the opportunity."

"So, why now? Why with me?"

"Because I have my own apartment, with my own shower, and a cute boyfriend that needs to shower." Jude let his head roll onto Connor's shoulder. "I just seemed like something we could do and, you know, maybe make you more comfortable with … things, us, you."

Jude didn't look up to see if Connor had jumped to sex the way Jude had, because Jude wanted Connor's hands on him with his hands on Connor. He waned to let lust take over and let go of composure and boundaries and fears for one night. Jude also knew himself well enough to say he wasn't completely ready for sex yet. Almost, he felt like, and he knew he was miles ahead of Connor. He thought of the hand job Connor had given and grew hard at the thought of his boyfriend's touch. He knew if he and Connor kept doing things like that and taking those steps forward, he would be ready in no time. If Connor ever wanted to even get that far again.

"Um, you know what, Jude?"

"What?"

"I think I'm okay with trying it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I … I want to experience things like that with you. Like real couples do."

"We're a real couple as long as we say we are. That's not really defined by what we do."

"I know but what I said is still true." Connor held Jude's hand. "Also, I trust you to understand what I can and can't handle."

"Thank you, baby."

"But you have to get in first."

"Sure," Jude agreed. "And you can kick me out if you need to."

"Even if you have shampoo in your eyes?"

Jude chuckled. "Maybe try not to be _that_ mean."

"I never want to be mean to you."

Jude squeezed Connor's head. "How hot do you like your water?"

"Pretty warm," Connor answered, his voice shaking.

Jude turned the shower on. He stripped his clothes off, made sure the water wasn't going to burn him, and then stepped inside. The water quickly drenched him, but Jude stepped out of the majority of the spray so that he could watch Connor finish undressing. Connor's hands smoothly popped the button on his jeans and slid the zipper down. Connor hesitated and Jude wondered if they'd end up showering separately, but then his boyfriend was naked in the shower with him.

Jude's fingers itched. He wanted to touch Connor. All of him. From the muscles along the tops of his shoulders to the short hairs along his thighs; form the freshly cut hair to the curve of his butt – Jude wanted to touch all of him. Connor finally stepped into the water and Jude was filled with a new desire: to follow, with his tongue, the beads of water down Connor's chest, wherever they might go.

"So," Connor prompted.

Jude gaped helplessly, even more than the first time he'd laid eyes on the attractive guy in his mythology class. Water streamed into his open mouth and he half choked.

"Jude?" Connor's hand slipped across Jude's slick back.

"I'm fine," Jude spluttered, feeling the warmth of Connor's hand even in the steamy heat. Jude coughed and shook his head.

"Hey!" Connor complained. "You sprayed me!"

A chuckle escaped Jude and he reached up, angling the shower head so it completely covered Connor's hair. Connor shoved the drenched strands out of his face and smiled up at Jude.

"That was mean," he whined.

"Sorry," Jude said. "Shampoo?"

There wasn't much room in the shower for the two of them to move around and they ended up scraping hips and bumping knees. Jude's heart jolted every time they ended up face to face, almost with their bodies pressed together. Connor was clearly trying to avoid it and Jude was trying not to pin him into a corner. By the time they were both finished washing their hair, the shower wall was covered with soap suds and Jude was half cold, since there wasn't enough room in the water for the both of them. Connor picked up Jude's washcloth and body wash.

"May I?" Connor asked.

"Sure," Jude said, though it wasn't until Connor turned Jude around and Jude actually felt the slight roughness of the wash cloth against his skin that Jude realized Connor had been asking permission to touch him.

Not that he regretted agreeing – not in the least. Goosebumps erupted along his exposed front, but they barely mattered. Connor was taking his time with the wash cloth and was half-massaging as he moved low down Jude's back. Jude barely had time to wonder how far Connor was going to go when the wash cloth brushed against his butt.

"Move a little more out of the water, please," Connor instructed.

Jude took the smallest step forward not wanting to leave the warm water entirely. He heard a small thud and he turned his head to see Connor kneeling on the shower floor. Jude's blood started to rush down and then, when Connor took the cloth up between Jude's thighs, Jude actually felt his knees go weak. He spread his legs and had to physically bite down on his lip to keep himself from begging Connor to touch him – to do absolutely anything Connor wanted to do to him. But Connor didn't. Connor just finished washing his legs.

"Turn around."

Jude shuffled around slowly. Connor ducked his head down and then he dragged the wash cloth across Jude's feet, and Jude laughed.

"Connor, that tickles!"

There was the beginning of a mischievous glint in Connor's eye as he glanced at Jude's face. "I thought it might. You're the one that said I don't have to be so serious, even in times like this."

Jude just laughed again, watching as Connor soaped his legs. He held his breath, but Connor had a distant, almost clinical look on his face as he cleaned Jude's upper thighs, hips, and everything in between. He only softened when he was halfway up Jude's stomach and was able to stand on his own two feet again. He rubbed the cloth reverently over Jude's tattooed ribs before the other side. Connor cleaned up Jude's chest, up to his collarbones, and then he picked up his arms.

"I don't know if I've ever been this clean," Jude joked as Connor picked up his arms to clean those too.

"Mmm."

Connor's eyes were smoldering as he put Jude's arms back at his sides. His concentration intensified as he cleaned Jude's neck – so gently that Jude hardly felt it at all. Connor took some of the suds from the cloth and started building Jude a small goatee. Jude held perfectly still, even though he wanted to break out into laughter from how hard Connor was concentrating. When Connor was finished, he held perfectly still for a moment, and then he shook his head.

"What?" Jude asked, and the suds fell from his chin.

"You shouldn't grow your facial hair out," Connor said. And then he quickly covered it with, "I mean, unless you really _wanted_ to."

"Would you still like me?"

"I'd try," Connor replied bluntly and Jude laughed.

Jude sidled back into the water, which was noticeably not as warm as it had been. How long had they been showering? He turned up the water heat a little.

"Are you cold?" Connor asked.

"No, not yet," Jude said. He let the water cascade over his back, washing the soap away. "Are you going to let me do that to you?"

Connor shook his head. It was what Jude had expected, but he still felt disappointed. They were showering together and he wasn't allowed to touch his boyfriend. He wasn't allowed to do anything more than accidentally brush up against him as they tried to move around one another – though half of those weren't accidental and Jude was sure that they both knew it.

"I just … This is new enough. I can't … can't add something else scary."

"I understand, baby." But just because Jude always understood where Connor was coming from didn't mean he always liked it; it didn't mean he never felt the pangs of frustration about it.

"Jude."

He sountruded so seriously that Jude's neck nearly snapped in an effort to look at him quickly.

"It's not that I don't want you to." Connor's hand curved around his hip and pulled Jude close and Jude leant into the slickness of his body. No space, at all. He sucked air into his lungs as he watched Connor's face. He wanted to see if fear crept onto his boyfriend's face and his heart dropped at the thought of it, but there was nothing, and Jude soared. It even looked like Connor might _want_ him to be there. Connor shook his head and breathlessly exclaimed, "How do you do this to me?"

"My stunning good looks?" Jude suggested.

"Yeah," Connor agreed, completely genuine. "That's probably it."

Jude pressed his hand to the outside of Connor's thigh and Connor gasped.

"Jude –"

"I just want to touch you." Jude sounded as desperate as he felt and he wasn't particularly proud of it.

"N-n-not here," Connor said. "Please, just … just let me finish showering alone, okay?"

Jude nodded and, feeling disappointed all over again, stepped out of the warm water and into the cold bathroom. He reached for his towel and tried just to think about what clothes he was going to go put on instead of what had just occurred, but that was easier said than done.

(-.-)

Connor waited until he heard the door shut behind Jude and then he let out a low noise as he bent down, hands on his knees, head hanging. He felt like he had just gotten off the world's longest rollercoaster and he needed to catch his breath. He knew he was running out of hot water and he felt bad for using up so much of it when he hadn't even gotten to wash anything but his hair.

Connor picked up the body wash but even as he started going through the motions, he couldn't concentrate on anything but how Jude's body had felt. And Jude wanted to do that to him. Intellectually, Connor knew that Jude wouldn't hurt him. Over and over again, Jude had shown that he wasn't going to do _anything_ to him and over and over again, Connor had found himself vowing to not be afraid and deciding to trust Jude completely but it kept falling through. He kept failing himself and he kept failing Jude. He wanted Jude close. He wanted Jude so much but when he took the thoughts and tried to make them fit into reality, his stomach clenched and he immediately felt as if he were going to cry as the memory of pain completely took over his body.

Jude wasn't the same man. Jude's love wasn't the same love. And, matter of fact, Connor wasn't the same man either.

Connor quickly rinsed the soap from his body and turned the water off. He quickly toweled himself dry and pulled his clothes back on before creeping into the main room of the house. Jude was sitting on the couch, channel surfing, and though he wanted to tell Jude … wanted to tell Jude that he wanted to try more. That he thought he might be ready to do something more but he didn't have the words. Instead, he sank onto the couch next to Jude and picked up his journal. He opened to the last thing he had written – his note to Jude. Then, on the opposite page …

"Did you draw me a heart?"

"Yeah," Jude said.

"I like it." Connor rubbed his fingers over the ink splotch. "C-c-could you do it more?"

"Sure. What's the name of the poetry blog?" Jude asked. "I can leave you notes and stuff."

"You wouldn't read what I wrote, would you?"

"No," Jude said. "I'd pick pages in the back so you'd never know when you'd find them."

"Thank you."

Jude really cared about him and Connor really felt it. He put his book down. He wasn't in the mood to write about his day like it was over. He put the book down on the table and pulled Jude's feet into his lap. Jude let the remote clatter onto the coffee table too.

"You don't have to do this, Connor."

"I know. I don't _have_ to do anything with you. It's what makes me want to." Connor tugged and Jude's legs and Jude grinned, rolling closer so that he was tucked under Connor's arm. "And I … I want to. I want you. I'm just … I want to. I want to be able to with you. I actually kind of liked showering with you. And I think want to, um, try to do more with you, like that. I just need more time to think about it. Thinking about it and then experiencing it feel like two completely different things. I get scared, um, when I think about the real experience of it."

"You don't have to be scared of me, baby."

"I know. So, um, maybe s-s-soon we can try something … something new," Connor said. "Not tonight but … I want t-t-time to think about it. Be sure. Or, um, chicken out."

"You can have all of the time you want, baby. I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm not going anywhere either."

"I know."

Connor held Jude tightly against his chest and he heard Jude let out a happy little hum. It lifted Connor's own heart and he bent down on a whim, kissing Jude's cheek. Jude leant his head back and prodded at Connor's jawline with his nose until Connor kissed him there too.

"I meant my lips!"

"You should have just asked."

"I'm asking now!"

"I didn't hear a question."

"Will you kiss me?" Connor opened his mouth and Jude quickly added, "On the _lips_?"

Connor laughed and then covered Jude's mouth with his own, keeping his boyfriend close. Jude snuggled in as much as he could and he felt exactly right in Connor's arms, in a way that Connor hadn't experienced with his ex. Things had never felt as right with him as they did with Jude and things so completely right with Jude. He slipped his hand under Jude's shirt, just to feel the softness of Jude's bare skin, and Jude broke away from their kiss, laughing.

"That tickles."

"Sorry."

"Not that sorry."

"No."

And then Connor kissed him deeply.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Better Man**_ **by James Morrison. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	71. Time To Mend

Jude let out a high-pitched whine loud enough that Connor dropped his highlighter. "Jude?"

"I hate exam time. I feel like I just lied my way through classes and now I know nothing."

"You didn't seem this stressed during last term's exams," Connor commented.

"Well, last term wasn't quite as hard as this one. And I didn't have as many personal problems last term!"

Connor pushed himself away from the coffee table and padded across the floor to where Jude was sitting at the counter, his textbook and tablet open in front of him. He had his head in his hands and was staring down at the book. Connor placed his hands against Jude's shoulders, trying to massage out the tension he held in his back.

"Why aren't exams over?" Jude complained.

"You haven't even taken your first one yet."

"Tomorrow."

"And you're going to be fine. You've been studying so hard."

"Because you've been studying like crazy and I feel like a jerk doing anything but studying along with you."

"You know this." Connor bent forward, reading the textbook. "Oh, this is that lit class you had to take."

"Yep. I didn't think the Russians were going to be boring."

"But you know it."

"I don't feel like I do and … Hey, no, don't stop that."

Connor hadn't even realized his massage had slowed.

"Exams should be over and we should be on vacation."

"If you can call spending a week with my dad a vacation."

"It's a vacation from my life," Jude pointed out. "And it means exams are over. And your dad isn't going to be around all the time and so maybe …"

"Maybe what?"

"New place, new things," Jude murmured. "I still want to try new things with you."

"I know." Connor kissed the side of Jude's head. "I know. But, um, exams, first. I need … need to get through exams."

Jude grumbled something so low that Connor barely caught anything of it – he thought he heard something about a block, but that was about it.

"Let me make something for you while you study," Connor suggested.

"Yeah? Something like what?"

"Cake," Connor said. "I can make it with extra icing, the way you like."

Connor gently stroked Jude's hair.

"I thought you had to study."

"Your exam's tomorrow, my next one isn't for another few days. I can bake you a cake … unless you don't want one."

"No! I love your cakes."

Connor laughed and he bent Jude's head back so that he could press a kiss to Jude's mouth. Jude grabbed onto Connor's hands.

"Kiss me again."

"You just want to put off studying."

"Yeah," Jude whined. "I have, like, three chapters left."

"Okay, well, every time you finish a chapter, I'll take something off."

"Something off of you or something off of me?"

"That's the surprise part."

"I like that plan!"

"It means you have to study."

"I will!"

Connor propped Jude up over his textbook and went into the kitchen. He started measuring out things for his cake while Jude started studying along.

"You need to take your notes and stuff."

"Yeah, yeah, I am." Jude was rapidly flipping pages and Connor doubted that he was actually studying as hard as he possibly could, but he also didn't doubt that Jude knew this subject. Jude had complained about it enough that he _had_ to know what he was talking about. "One chapter down."

Connor shook his head but he grabbed the edges of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He took it and folded it, putting it on the counter. He wouldn't say he was comfortable with cooking half-naked but he knew that Jude would probably pull a face about false promises if Connor had taken Jude's shirt off first. He went back to measuring out his sugar but he glanced up again quickly when he realized that Jude hadn't gotten back to studying. Jude was propped up on his hand, staring at him.

"What is it?" Connor asked.

"You are the most perfect human being I have ever met. It's not even fair."

"Jude –"

"No, no, baby, no need to argue. I just want to look at you."

"Look at me?"

"There's a hot man half-naked cooking in my kitchen for me. I feel like everyone's had this fantasy at least once. Let me enjoy it."

Connor reached for his measuring cup again but he dropped his hand. "I feel so self-conscious about it!"

"I'm going to take a study break," Jude decided. "I think I deserve it."

"This plan didn't help you at all, did it?"

"No, but that's okay." Jude crooked a finger and Connor padded toward him. For a moment, he felt frustrated that he just thought of himself as _obedient_ but it was different. If he'd planted himself in the kitchen and told Jude he'd rather stay there and bake, Jude wouldn't have asked him again. "You want to know what the best part of you is?"

Connor nodded and he stepped into Jude's hold. Jude's legs wrapped around his waist, holding him close, while Jude placed both hands against Connor's chest.

"You're mine," Jude whispered. "I'm yours. And this … couldn't happen with anyone else."

 _No_ , Connor agreed. It couldn't. He slid his arms around to Jude's back and pulled Jude to him, kissing him deeply. Connor couldn't imagine trusting anyone the way that he trusted Jude and, from there, he couldn't imagine being this way with anyone other than Jude. He couldn't imagine he would ever figure out how to trust someone this way again or that there would be someone who could impact his life in the way that Jude had. Jude was more than Connor could ever put into words. And he had an amazing ability to let Connor forget about his problems, at least temporarily, and forget that anything had gone wrong.

Jude laughed happily, leaning his head back, and Connor could see how dreamy his eyes looked. "I love you."

Connor kissed Jude quickly again. "You –"

But he was cut off by the ringing of Jude's phone. Jude reached over and tilted it toward him and Connor read _'Taylor_ ' on the front of screen and then he quickly glanced at the clock.

"She's early."

"Because Brandon went to see her today," Jude said and he turned his phone around to display the screen.

"She left a voicemail," Connor commented.

Jude's face fell. "Do I listen to it? What do I do? It's not like it's my job to mediate between them."

"No, it's not," Connor agreed. "You can just delete it if you want to. No one would blame you if that was what you did."

Jude's hand hovered over his phone. "Maybe … Maybe between talking to Moms and Brandon, she realized something. What do you think?"

It took Connor a moment to realize that Jude sounded hopeful and then his heart broke for Jude. "Maybe. You won't know unless you listen right? _And_ Stef and Lena said she was in a program and that she thought she was doing better there."

"Maybe." Jude called his voicemail and put it on speaker. Connor held his breath until he heard Taylor's voice.

"I don't understand you! _You_ won't talk to me, _you_ won't answer my calls, but you send your _brother_ after me!? You don't even like Brandon all that much! I feel so bad about this already and you keep doing this to me! Talk to me yourself –"

"Message deleted."

Jude stared ahead stonily and Connor was afraid to say anything at all. Jude pushed Connor's hands away from him.

"I need to sit by myself. I need to …"

"Would you like me to leave?"

"Not the apartment. Just … leave me alone for a while."

Connor nodded, but it was hard to do as Jude went to go sit on the couch, staring ahead at the show in front of him. His eyes were blank and it was so hard for Connor to watch him look so upset but Jude needed to be left alone and Connor could do that. He went into the kitchen to finish up Jude's cake, trying to make as little noise as possible as he shuffled around the kitchen. He was pouring the batter into the cake pan when he heard Jude start to sniffle. Connor was torn; was he disrespecting Jude's wishes to go over to him now? Paralyzed by his indecision, Connor slid the cake in the oven and started filling the sink with water, and then Jude whimpered his name. As quickly as he could move, Connor was on the couch next to Jude as Jude collapsed into his arms and sobbed.

(-.-)

Connor woke to find that Jude had left bed. He pushed himself up onto his elbow, hearing small clanging noises in the kitchen. He pushed the covers off and slipped out of bed. He found Jude sitting on the floor of the kitchen, the fridge door propped open to give him a sliver of light. Connor padded into the kitchen and sunk down on the floor next to his boyfriend.

"I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's okay," Connor said.

Jude was holding the cake container on his lap and had a bite on the end of his fork. Jude held it out to Connor. "I didn't really taste it when we had some with dinner."

"You were upset."

"I still _am_ upset," Jude said. "I'd just rather be upset with cake now."

Connor took a bite of it. "So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to take my exam at nine, I'm going to be finished by twelve, I'm going to drive home, see Taylor, drive back, and then cry on your lap until I go to work at eight."

Connor wrapped his arm around Jude's shoulder and stroked his hair. "Are you sure you want to go see her?"

"I don't _want_ to," Jude said, "but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of _her_. She has to stop calling every night. She has to stop talking to me the way that she does. I can't listen to her act like she's the victim when I lost everything and it's _her_ fault and she needs to hear it. I need to say it. She and I can't keep doing this. I need her out of my life in order to heal, because she and I could never be friends again. This is far too big to come back from."

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"No. But I will be, eventually. I think this is just the next step." Jude took the fork back from Connor. "First cake, then Taylor. And then, hopefully, to better things."

"Don't forget about your exam."

"Ugh. We have to be up soon, don't we?"

"Soon enough. I can make you something for breakfast and supper. What do you want for supper?"

"The shrimp bake."

"Sure," Connor agreed. "Anything you want."

"A time machine."

"Sorry, I don't think I can that one."

"It was worth a shot to ask."

Connor rubbed Jude's arm. "You're getting cold from the fridge."

"I needed to see what I was eating."

Connor rested his head against Jude's. "Let's go back to bed, okay?"

"I'm not ready to put the cake down."

"Bring it to bed."

"What happened to sleeping in crumbs?"

"I can change the bed tomorrow," Connor said. "And it's more important to me that you're happy now."

"You make me happy," Jude said. "Okay, baby, help me up."

Connor pulled Jude onto his feet, making sure that the fridge door shut firmly. They stumbled around in the darkness until Jude made it to his bedside and clicked on his lamp. In the soft light, Connor made it back to his side of the bed, while Jude propped up his pillows and sat up, the cake container on his lap.

"Are you going to stay awake with me?" Jude asked.

"Sure," Connor said. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"No," Jude said. "It's just lonely when you're sleeping."

Connor pulled one of Jude's fat pillows into his arms and curled up on his side, looking up at Jude as Jude took small bites of the cake. Jude was handsome – perhaps not in the utterly conventional way. He'd never be a contender for the front page of a magazine and Connor hadn't seen heads turn as Jude walked down the street, but Connor's did when Jude even sauntered across the apartment. Connor reached out one hand and edged up the hem of Jude's shirt, just so that he could touch Jude's soft skin.

"I love you, you know?" Jude whispered.

To Connor, that was really starting to feel like the gift it was. "I know."

Jude offered him another bite of the cake and Connor took it, letting the sugar stick to his tongue. The silence surrounded them from all sides but, tonight, that felt like a friend.

(-.-)

Jude woke first after his restless sleep. He pushed the blankets off him, watching Connor curl around the blankets. Jude felt exhausted and not at all ready for the day. How was he supposed to go and face Taylor today? How was he supposed to say everything that had crossed his mind about her? _Should_ he even say those things? Even though he had to leave for his exam soon and that meant seeing Taylor was imminent, he still didn't want to think about it. He wanted to focus on absolutely anything else. Jude looked down at Connor. That was a much better thing to think about.

That and the fact that he had to pee. That was also much simpler to think about than Taylor.

On his way back from the bathroom, Jude spotted Connor's journal sitting on the edge of the counter. He remembered what he had told Connor and flipped to an empty page near the back. He found the poetry blog that he'd left bookmarked on his phone and then he scrolled until he found something that he thought would be good to write down.

 _I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star – Emery Allen_.

Jude added a poorly doodled heart to the end of the quote and then he put the pen down. He went to close the journal and then he let a few pages flip by, Connor's neat writing blurring together as the pages fell. He felt guilty and he shut the cover of the journal but he realized that he had never really thought about looking through it. Why would he? It was probably the biggest privacy violation that he could do to Connor. Because of that, though, he had never considered exactly what those pages contained. Connor's thoughts about leaving him, Connor's thoughts about coming back to him, how, exactly, Connor felt about him.

Jude shut the cover of the journal. If he wanted to know, he just had to ask. Connor would tell him. Connor would be _honest_ with him – that, Jude didn't doubt. But to look through it would destroy something. It was a testament to how much Connor trusted him now that he just left the journal sitting out, not even with the small twist lock done up, casually waiting for the next time Connor came back to it. Jude left the journal alone, instead going to turn the coffee maker on. He left it to its own devices and went to get ready to leave. By the time he came back into the kitchen, Connor was awake and spooning sugar into Jude's mug.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

Connor shook his head. "I … I noticed as soon as you got out of bed. It's not as comfortable without you there."

It made Jude grin and he tilted forward, kissing Connor softly.

"I also saw you with my journal," Connor added.

"I told you I'd write cute notes in it," Jude said.

"Mhm," Connor said.

Jude knew Connor would never accuse him of anything, even if there was an odd trace of something in his eye.

"I thought about it," Jude blurted.

"Thought about what?" Connor asked, and Jude knew it was actually a question born of innocence.

"Reading it."

Connor quickly glanced at his journal and then back to Jude. "But you didn't. You wouldn't do that to me."

It was matter of fact.

"No, of course I wouldn't."

Connor smiled at him then and Jude felt his heart lift. "Why were you going to? What did you want to know?"

"How you justified leaving me."

"Oh. Is that … Is that something you really need to know?"

"I guess not. I mean, we know I can be happy without it. I just think about every so often."

Connor picked up his mug and carried it around. He flipped through his thick journal and settled on a page close to the middle. Connor turned it toward Jude.

"That's the start of it," Connor said. "That way, um, the day I changed my number. I didn't … I didn't write the day before, you know, when I talked to the detective."

"And abandoned me."

"Y-y-yeah."

Jude glanced down at the pages of writing and guilt ate at his heart. No. He couldn't do it. He shut the journal, leaving his hand on top of Connor's, even as his boyfriend stared at him with a confused look on his face.

"I thought that was what you wanted," Connor whispered.

"No, not like this," Jude decided. "Just … Tell me … Tell me what you think of me."

"What I _think_ of you?"

Jude nodded. "Yeah. What do you think of me?"

Connor looked stunned. "I think you're the greatest person I've ever met and possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I think that, um, after my mom, you're the only person I've ever actually felt safe with. I think I hardly know what to do with my days anymore when you're not around and it doesn't scare me like it did with my ex, because I just want to share things with you. I think you're my favourite person in the whole world. I think it's because of the way that you smile at me because I noticed that there's a way you smile at me that doesn't look at all like the way you smile at anyone else. Or it might be how hearing you laugh – about anything – makes me feel happy too because there's nothing at all like your laugh, Jude. I think I don't even begin to understand the person that you are because the fact that you're just a genuinely good person is almost inconceivable. I think that there's not enough words in the world to sum you up and I think it's unfair of you to even ask me to try to explain how I feel because what you do to me is so beyond words. I think I've done my best, though, because I think you deserve that from me." Connor hesitated and Jude felt like crying and, for the first time in a long time, they would be happy tears but before Jude could react, Connor quietly added on, "I think I've never had stronger feelings than the feelings I have for you. And I don't think that made any sense."

But Jude understood.

Jude understood and he left his coffee to cool on the counter so he could hide himself inside of Connor's arms. He wanted to stay right there forever because, as often as he felt that Connor was the one that needed protecting, Jude also felt like Connor would protect him. Connor kissed at his temple and Jude tilted his head back so that Connor kissed his lips.

"I wish you could come with me," Jude said.

"I _can_ ," Connor stressed. "I can be with you, wherever you want me to be."

"I know. I didn't mean to make it sound like you wouldn't or couldn't. I would just rather go by myself and know you're home so that apartment is warm and there's good food waiting and I get to come back to that."

"I'll be right here," Connor promised. "Is there anything else you want? More cake, maybe?"

"I didn't eat the _entire_ thing last night," Jude whined.

"Most of it," Connor said, and Jude pulled a face. Just because Connor was right, didn't mean Jude was going to admit to it.

"Maybe some cake to take to work with me," Jude said.

"Sure. I'll have something for you to eat on your break," Connor said. "But you'll be home for supper, right?"

"Right. I don't work until eight, remember?"

"I remember. I should get you something for breakfast."

"I don't like eating before an exam," Jude said.

Connor stared at him. "I'm going to pack you something anyway. Call it lunch or an after-exam snack. You have to eat, you know, Jude."

"I know." Jude sank onto one of his stools as Connor started quickly puttering around the kitchen. It was so nice to be taken care of sometimes; it was so nice to know that there was someone to support him and pick up the slack on the days that he couldn't do it. He pulled his coffee mug into his hands, realizing it was emptier than he thought. "Can you pour me more coffee, baby?"

Connor tilted his head. "You have to leave soon. I should put it into the travel mug."

Connor was right, but Jude would give anything to have a reason to sit in his apartment for a few more minutes. He didn't want to write an exam that he didn't feel ready for. He didn't want to go on a visit that he knew he wasn't ready for. He wanted another day, boring at home, curled in Connor's lap like there was no outside world. But there was an outside world. And he had to work today. He hoped that Jason wasn't there but the odds weren't in his favour for that. Jason worked most nights. He was jolted from his thoughts as Connor sat a Tupperware container and the travel mug in front of him.

"Time to go," Jude said.

"Time to go," Connor said. "But you're going to do great on your exam, I know it."

"Thanks, baby."

"And dealing with Taylor will be hard but I know you can do that to."

He wished Connor sounded a little more confident. He wished he felt a little more confident.

Jude gathered up his things, kissed Connor goodbye, and headed up to his car.

There was no way that he was going to get through today.

(-.-)

Jude parked on the street outside of Taylor's house, surprised to see Daria's father's Jeep parked in the driveway. Jude crept up alongside the vehicle; Daria was sitting inside. Jude knocked on her window and Daria jumped, clearing tears away from her eyes as she rolled down her window, trying to paste a smile on her face.

"Jude! I didn't expect to see you."

"You either," Jude said. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"I've come to see her three times. I … She's not Taylor anymore. And I feel like it's partly my fault. If I hadn't gotten mad at her … If I had never … I'm so sorry about Callie, Jude."

"Thank you." It was getting easier to accept that. "What do you mean she's not her anymore?"

"She's just so bitter and angry. And don't believe her when she says the program is helping. She always smells like booze when I see her." Daria sighed and swept her hair from her forehead. "She keeps wanting me to come back and I keep doing it because I feel so guilty, like I should have done something more before anything happened, but I hate being here. I hate seeing her. I don't want to see her anymore, but I feel like I should."

"Don't," Jude advised. "Just cut her out, if that's what you want. She might grow up, probably deserves to find friends again, but it doesn't have to be us."

Daria laughed. "Yeah? Then what are you doing here?"

"To tell her that. She won't leave me alone. She keeps making it sound like it's _my_ fault she did anything. Like it's still my job to take care of her pain. I'm not going to treat her like a victim."

"Damn right."

"It's her fault."

"It is," Daria agreed.

"Not yours, at all." Daria began to roll her eyes at his words but Jude cut her off with, "It's as much your fault as it is mine."

Reality sank into her face and she nodded. "Thanks. I … I hope she gets better but, you're right, I don't need to be that person for her anymore, do I?"

"No, we don't," Jude said. "I want this to be the last time I see her, at least for a really long time and I'm still conflicted. She was a good friend."

Daria had a thin-lipped smile on her face as she nodded. Jude knew she understood. Understood in a way that Connor didn't, even though Connor tried so hard to get it completely. It was nice, in that moment, to feel that kind of solidarity, especially with what he knew he was about to walk into.

"I hope everything else is going okay for you," Daria whispered, and Jude saw it for the closing line it was. Despite the closeness they had shared in high school, it was the routine of being so close – as well as Taylor – that had bound he and Daria together. When they had left for college, they had commented on the same Facebook posts, met up on weekends and holidays when they were home, with the ever-vivacious blonde bouncing between them, but they wouldn't have called themselves close friends. Now, Jude knew that they weren't going to get that closeness back again. There would never be another event that would bring them back together.

"It is," Jude said. "How are you?"

It shouldn't be awkward like it was. He has known Daria for about eight years, seen her go from a trying to be graceful thirteen-year-old to an actually graceful adult. She was one of the first people to know he was gay and was half the reason why he'd eventually had to come out to the school because, if there was one thing Daria didn't do well, it was keep a secret. He was there for her major first break up – carried the cookies in his backpack while Taylor balanced the ice-cream and whined that, as the guy, he should also be carrying that too.

"I'll be fine, Jude. Thanks for asking."

Jude leant away from her window, feeling like he should go inside now, but also feeling like there was something more that he should be saying, even if he had no idea what it was. The thought that he was looking at the end of his childhood drifted across his mind and his heart ached. It's an actual, physical, tangible end, rather than waking up one morning with the realization that the innocence of being a kid disappeared years ago and died such a quiet death that he didn't even realize it had happened until too late.

"Daria?"

"Hmm?"

"Keep my number, okay? Just in case you need anything. I'll always answer the phone for you, okay?"

Daria smiled and it actually looked genuine. "You too, Jude. Good luck with Taylor."

"Thanks, I have a feeling I'll need it."

Daria waved at him and then she turned on the Jeep and backed out of the driveway. Jude stood still until she was out of sight and then he walked the familiar path up to Taylor's front door. He had walked it a hundred, if not a thousand times, in at least as many different moods. He'd come here before happy and angry, looking for a friend or looking for a fight. Jude couldn't remember if he'd done it feeling so _empty_ before. He didn't feel anything as he looked at the house that had raised him _almost_ as much as Stef's and Lena's had. Not even the nostalgic pain that he had expected to feel. He was just tired – of Taylor, of pain, of mind games. He knocked on the front door but had barely gotten one rap in before Taylor yanked it open.

"Jude!"

His mind stuttered and stalled. How could she be _smiling_ at him like that? Like they hadn't seen each other for a month because life got in the way but now they were home for summer vacation and things were going to be like they used to. Like they still _should_ be. But Jude knew there was no going back; he just wondered how he was going to make Taylor see it, because she still didn't seem to get it, which just disgusted him. She was still looking at him like he was her best friend.

"I didn't expect to see you. I –" She dragged her hand through her ratty blonde hair. "Are you going to come in?"

"No." He wasn't going to make himself comfortable on her couch like it was some kind of casual social call. He could say what he needed to from the doorway.

"Oh. Um, did you want to go out somewhere? I just need to get dressed –"

"Taylor, stop," he snapped, and her face fell. The part of him that had cared about her for years ached but that part of him was so small now that he hardly felt it. "You need to stop."

"Stop what? What did I do?"

"You killed my sister!"

"I didn't mean to!" Tears welled up in her eyes but Jude refused pity.

"You didn't do anything to stop it, either, and now you need to leave me alone, and I mean it. No more phone calls. No more trying to talk to me. Just nothing, okay? You need to forget we were ever friends because we're never going to be again! Even if I could manage to forgive you for this – which, believe me, I don't and I never will because I won't betray Callie like that – the way you've acted lately has been awful. You killed someone!"

"And I'm going to go to jail for it!"

"Good!" Jude shouted. "You deserve to! Clean yourself up, realize what you've done wrong, and I don't just mean the accident itself. You haven't treated me like I was a friend since –"

"Neither have you!"

"YOU KILLED MY SISTER!" Jude wanted to shake her, wanted to scream until he has no voice. They weren't talking rocket science; there was nothing complicated for her to miss. She just didn't want to see it. She just didn't want to face it. And that was really the part that Jude couldn't stomach. "Never speak to me again. That's all there is to it. I hope you get help, I hope you get better, and I hope I never come face to face with you again. That's all there is to it."

Jude was sure he was thinking he had more to say but it was like talking to a brick wall. There was nothing there at all. And Taylor didn't care. She wasn't even trying to get it, and it meant she just _didn't care_. Jude turned his back to go to his car again. He wanted to be home. He wanted the strength of Connor's arms around him.

"I want you in my life," Taylor called after him.

Jude half-turned. "You don't get to make that decision."

"I don't get any say?"

"No and if you were a better person, you'd understand that."

Taylor crumpled and Jude's arms twitched, like he wanted to go to her side and hug her. He had been holding her up for so long now and Taylor could be a wonderfully supportive friend. Jude wondered where that side of her had gone.

"Jude, I'm going to miss you."

"Me too," Jude told her, but he wondered how long the Taylor he's going to miss has actually been gone.

Jude felt cold from the inside out as he walked back to his car. Such a short visit. Such a small amount of time for such a long friendship to boil down to. He felt hollow, like all of his organs had left and his bones were starting to disintegrate. He stumbled into the driver's seat and fumbled for his phone. He opened his text messages, his eyes glancing down to Stef's and Lena's numbers. He wasn't that far from home. He could go to them. But it was the middle of the day on a weekday and he knew they weren't there. If he called, he knew they would come home. His heart thudded oddly. No, this weekend, he would text them. They wanted to come visit him before he and Connor went to visit Connor's father. This weekend would be perfect.

He texted Connor: **On my way.**

 **Connor: I'll be here, waiting.**

It was that promise that sent Jude flying home. He knew he was driving on auto-pilot, he knew he should try to check back into reality, but he knew the way home without any effort and it felt like the whole drive went by in the blink of an eye. Jude left his car in his strip of driveway and half-tumbled down the hill, unlocking his front door. He shut it behind him with a slam harder than he meant to as he collapsed back against the door.

"Oh, Jude! You're early. Were you speeding?" Connor hurried out of the kitchen, looking concerned, and Jude couldn't help but liken him to a clucking mother hen. The image was funny, but not quite enough to make him smile.

"I'm fine."

Connor locked the door before pulling Jude tightly into his arms. "How did it go?"

"Worse than I wanted it to but as I expected," Jude murmured and he hid his face in the soft fold of Connor's t-shirt.

"I've got you," Connor murmured. "It's okay, come here."

On the couch, Jude collapsed into Connor's lap, his head against Connor's thigh. His boyfriend gently rubbed at his arm and Jude was glad for the silence. Glad to just sit and stare at the fine gold hairs on Connor's thick forearm. Connor bent down and kissed him softly on the cheek and Jude burst into tears.

"I hate her."

"And that's okay," Connor murmured.

Nothing really felt okay but that wasn't Connor's fault, and Connor was doing everything that he could to hold him together. Jude pulled insistently at the front of Connor's shirt until Connor laid down with him, holding him so tightly that Jude knew his organs had come back because he could feel them all squished together. He closed his eyes, feeling the exhaustion settle in.

"Don't let go."

"Of course not."

Jude closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep. It was easier than anything else he'd done today.

(-.-)

Jude would never say that he had a penchant for violence but he was so glad that he was going to go on break because he was about to hit Jason. Not that Jason was doing anything spectacularly annoying or anything that was particularly out of his character. Jason was just being himself but that was a particularly frustrating self. And Jude wasn't in the mood today. He left Jason standing behind the counter and collapsed on the break room couch. He pulled out the dinner that Connor had packed him, since Jude hadn't woken from his nap until it was nearly time to go to work.

Jude rubbed at the back of his neck and popped the pasta into the microwave before taking the lid off his cake. When he pulled off the top of the container, he noticed a sticky note on the top. He recognized Connor's writing immediately.

 _Things That Fall:_

 _petals_

 _teardrops_

 _snowflakes_

 _rain_

 _stars_

 _tides_

 _eyelids_

 _time_

 _shadows_

 _leaves_

 _the sun_

 _and me,_

 _for you. – James Browning_

 _I couldn't let you be the only one saying sweet things. I hope you have a good night at work._

Jude buried his face in his hands and started to cry again but happy tears this time. He picked up his phone and took a picture of the note, sending it to Connor with the text: **I love you. Thank you for everything.**

There was no reply, but Jude didn't expect there to be. It was nearing midnight and if Connor weren't asleep by now, Jude would be surprised. But he left the note sitting in front of him as he ate his dinner. Then, when he had to go back onto the floor, he kept the note in his pocket, as if he could draw strength from that as he powered through the rest of his shift, trying to let Jason's words – not just about him but about _everything_ – flow off his back. Finally, at quarter after two in the morning, his late shift replacement showed up and Jude couldn't get out of there fast enough. He hurried down the chilled street and the grass already felt slick and dewy under the soles of his sneakers. He nearly dropped his keys as he pushed his house key into the lock. He stepped inside, closing and locking the door quietly. He knew Connor would want him to put his dishes in the dishwasher right away, but Jude saw no harm in letting them sit in his bag until morning. He left his bag resting against the wall and made his way over to his dresser, his way lit only by the light from his phone. He stripped off his work shirt and pulled on an old t-shirt. He dropped his jeans and then realized he had no strength left to pull on pyjama pants. Would Connor be bothered if he went to bed in only his boxers?

Connor had seen him _naked._ His legs couldn't be a bother now. Just thinking of their shower together sent adrenaline in his veins and it made him feel oddly awake, but only for a moment. His exhaustion crept back in, just as he expected and he stumbled to bed, putting his phone on his nightstand before crawling into the gap in the curtains.

Connor was curled up on his side of the bed but Jude noticed Connor was sleeping on _his_ favourite pillow, rather than the flat pillows that Connor preferred. It made Jude smile; he knew Connor missed him when he had to go to bed alone, but Jude was sure he liked to overestimate just how much it was. Jude flopped down and the mattress rolled underneath of him as he started reaching for comforters. He had just drawn one blanket up over him when Connor's arms surrounded him, moving with awareness and purpose.

"Did I wake you?" Jude whispered.

"I wanted you to," Connor murmured, his voice sleepy and oddly sexy at the same time.

"You did?"

"Mhm."

Jude turned to face Connor's chest, resting his head along Connor's bicep. He felt Connor's lips brush his forehead. Jude hooked his leg over Connor's hip, just wanting to feel as close as possible as he could to someone.

"I got your note, at work," Jude said.

"What did you think?" Connor asked and he sounded so nervous that Jude almost found it ridiculous.

"I loved it. I love you."

"That's what I thought you'd say," Connor admitted and he exhaled heavily. "I just wanted to make sure."

Connor's fingertips touched his leg, briefly at first, and then he touched him again, with more purpose.

"Your legs are cold," Connor observed.

"Warm me up." Jude didn't really mean to make it sound as flirtatious as it came out – he didn't know he could sound like that when he was fully awake, let alone a little exhausted, but there it was.

Connor's hand went tentatively up the back of his shirt. "You feel warm there."

"That's not everywhere."

"Aren't you sleepy?"

"No. Are you?"

Connor's lips pressed against his as Jude flopped it onto his back. Connor followed him over, his body stretching out along Jude's body. Jude kept one leg locked around Connor's waist and it felt so nice to just stretch out in bed, making out with his boyfriend, and letting the day roll off of him. Jude got one hand underneath of Connor's shirt and every bit of his boyfriend was tensed with the way he was holding himself up and damn him if the feel of those muscles didn't wreak havoc on his body.

"Connor," Jude whispered, "Connor, please."

"Please what?"

It thrilled Jude that Connor sounded breathless. He loved that he could do that to Connor too. "Please, I want to touch you this time."

Even in the mostly dark lighting, Jude could see conflict and confusion dart across Connor's expression.

"I'm not going to hurt you. You even said it, I've never hurt you."

Jude could feel that Connor was hard, pressing against the inside of his thigh. And Jude wanted to know more. He wanted to follow the desire he had in the shower and run his longue along the length of Connor's _entire_ body, just because he could. He wanted Connor to feel comfortable enough to let him.

"I don't know. I mean, shouldn't … If we're going to … to do anything, um, don't you want … want to be first."

Jude imagined that was what it was like with his ex and the thought made Jude's stomach hurt a little. But Connor enjoying the physical part of the relationship was just as important to Jude as his enjoyment of it, if not more. If one of them didn't feel comfortable and happy, then neither of them truly did. Jude knew that. It was how he and Connor were, but it wasn't how Connor thought about sex, and Jude knew that.

"No," Jude said. "I think you should be first this time. I do owe you."

"So, it is a trade." Connor's voice fell flat between them, like a hammer striking stone.

"No! I didn't mean like you _owed_ me or I _owed_ you. I want to show you that it can be good for you if you're the one getting the orgasm. Your turn," Jude finished lamely.

"I don't know."

"I want to try if you want to try. You can tell me to stop at any time. You can tell me to not even start."

Connor kissed him again. "Move slow."

Jude felt his heart jump forward into his mouth and he started pulling Connor's shirt up.

"Wait! No!" Connor blurted. "No."

Immediately, Jude's hands left Connor's body completely, letting Connor shift over to the side and put a sliver of space between them. Jude shuffled to the side but found his willpower was just a little too weak to take him too much further. Unless he saw Connor was just in too much pain.

"Sorry," Connor said. "It's just … It's late and I don't know how awake I am and you, um, you have had such … such a long day too and … and …"

"Baby, it's okay," Jude said. "It is. You're right, you're right."

"I'm sorry."

Connor grasped onto Jude's wrist, but softly, like he didn't want to push. It was how Connor always touched him, feather light and delicious. Jude allowed Connor to guide his tired body to his, his back tucking against Connor's chest. Jude loved when Connor held him like that; he loved how Connor could make him feel like the small one.

"Goodnight, Jude."

"Goodnight, baby," Jude murmured. "I love you."

He felt Connor gently press his face against his shoulder blade and Jude smiled to himself. He threaded his fingers through Connor's and held on, even as he fell fast asleep.

(-.-)

Jude woke; the first thing he was aware of was just how warm he felt. It was like falling asleep wrapped in all of his blankets in the middle of the summer. It made him feel like he had been sleeping for far too long, his body stiff from laying in the same position for so long. He picked up his head and then realized Connor's arms were still locked around him, which meant it couldn't possibly be as late in the day as he wanted it to be. Connor didn't sleep in like this, especially when he had an exam to write tomorrow morning. Jude dropped his hands down, feel along the muscles of Connor's arms.

"Morning," Connor said, and Jude could feel his lips moving against the back of his neck.

Connor sounded awake, as if he had been lying there for a while.

"You're up."

"I'm always up before you," Connor pointed out simply.

"Most of the time," Jude corrected and he wiggled in Connor's grasp until he was turned around to face his boyfriend. "You're up before me _most_ of the time."

Connor smiled at him, but it was small. He looked serious and the idea of a frown was flitting across his face.

"Thinking about something?" Jude guessed.

"Yeah," Connor admitted. "I've been up for a while, just thinking."

"Something good or something bad?"

It couldn't have been that bad, Jude reasoned. If it had been, there was no way Connor would be still laying here with him, their bodies pressed so tightly together, ignoring all of the room that they had in Jude's bed.

"I …" Connor said, and then he took a long, deep breath. "I was thinking about having sex with you."

Jude half-choked on his tongue. "What?"

"I was thinking about having sex with you," Connor repeated, quiet but matter-of-fact.

"And?" Jude said.

"And I can't … picture it." Connor shook his head. "Um, I think that came out wrong."

"Why?"

"It's not … It's, um, not that I don't l-like you. Not that I don't … Not that I'm not attracted … t-t-to you. And I … I can almost wrap my … my head around, uh, other things. Trying _new_ things. I l-l-liked showering with you."

Connor flushed deep red and Jude's stomach lurched, but not like he was about to throw up, but like he was excited. Maybe too excited.

"Me too," Jude agreed. "I definitely liked that."

Connor's lips twitched up into a semblance of a smile. "But … when I think about … about sex, about, um, going that far … There's … There's still a wall. A block. A … a something I can't … see around. Can't feel around. The thought … that about going that far … It makes me sick, Jude. I don't, um. I-I-I … That's not about you," he finished in a whisper.

"I know," Jude said. "I understand."

"I just wanted to make sure you knew and I wanted to make sure _I_ knew." Connor shrugged.

Jude snuggled closer to Connor, though there wasn't much closer that they could get.

"I'm here for you," Jude said. "No matter what."

"I still want to kiss you, though."

"I'm surprised you're not already four hours into your exam notes."

"Oh! Well, I had another thought, earlier, when I was waiting for you to wake up. Two, actually, I guess."

"Trying to break a record or something?" Jude joked, and Connor looked slightly offended for only a moment before he smiled.

"My first thought was I couldn't wake you," Connor said. "My second thought was … was bribery."

"Bribery?" Jude asked.

"Yeah," Connor said.

"You're going to have to give me more than that."

"I just thought that … the more I kissed you, the more you'd help me … with my cue cards."

"I'd help you with your cue cards anyway," Jude said. "And I hope not all of your kissing is bribery."

"No, I think this would be the first time," Connor said, concentrating just hard enough that it made Jude laugh. "And I know you _would_ help me. I also know you don't _like_ my cue cards."

"I just don't like watching you get so worked up over things you already know," Jude corrected. "I would help you no matter what."

"Maybe … maybe it's easier to phrase it that way than to admit just how much I want to kiss you."

Jude's gaze flickered to Connor's lips. He was tired of just talking about it. He tilted forward, to find Connor was already leaning toward him. Connor's arms tightened around him and Jude found himself on his back, surrounded by his boyfriend. It felt like the frenzied moment of when he'd gotten home last night, but Jude knew that this would last longer. His heart started racing in his chest as Connor's kiss moved even the slightest bit past innocent and Jude wondered if that feeling would ever completely fade. For all the time he had spent with Dylan, for all that he had loved Dylan, he had to admit that their relationship had faded into comfortable very quickly. Not that being with Connor was uncomfortable. There was the easiness of knowing one another but he still thrilled when Connor touched him. There was a certain kind of passion between he and Connor that was distinctly lacking when it came to his last relationship.

Even Connor's fingers, hesitant even though he had done it before, sliding under his shirt to rest against his ribs sent adrenaline surging and made him feel like he didn't know everything, like he had never been touched before. And Jude loved that too. He loved feeling like he and Connor were in the same place, on the same page, in perfect sync. Even if that last one only lasted a few perfect seconds every time and the rest of the time, they could only be called in harmony.

Jude wasn't exactly sure when it happened – sometime between a blanket and two pillows falling off the bed and his rolling Connor so he could straddle his thighs – but his shirt was gone and so was Connor's. Jude settled back against Connor's legs, taking a deep breath. His mouth itched from how Connor's morning stubble rubbed his own but, even though it was a little uncomfortable, Jude liked that too. He also liked the way Connor was looking at him, even though he didn't really _understand_ it. One of his hands was holding tightly onto Connor's, right where it always seemed to end up because he liked to hang onto Connor and Connor liked to hang onto him, but with his free hand, Connor walked his fingers from the waistband of Jude's boxers up to the dip in his collarbone.

"Like what you see?" Jude teased, fumbling inside of himself for a bravado and ego he knew he didn't really have.

"Yes," Connor said and he flattened his hand across Jude's stomach.

Jude tried to lean back, tried to suck in his stomach, tried to make himself look just a little bit better for Connor. Connor's thumb smoothed across his abdomen.

"Jude," Connor said. "I like you as you are."

Jude almost blushed. Of course, Connor could see through him. It was wonderful to have someone who knew him that well but it was also nerve-wracking.

"I …"

Jude almost tripped over his words. He wasn't used to being the one who was so unsure and he wasn't used to Connor being the one who had all of the answers. But it had to happen sometimes, he supposed.

"You are …" Connor bit down on his bottom lip. "You are my hot boyfriend."

"I like that," Jude said. "I like hearing you say that."

"It … I wish … I was more comfortable saying it. For you."

"We'll work on it," Jude decided.

"Like you're going to help me work on my –"

Jude bent down and kissed Connor before Connor could get even close to talking about class.

"Five more minutes."

"You're going to turn it into ten."

"Then coffee, breakfast …" Jude mused.

"I need to –" Jude kissed him again and leant back, feeling satisfied as he saw Connor's eyes go a little cloudy. It was another, much needed ego boost. "I-I-I need to kiss you."

Jude laughed.

"I do need to study."

"We have all day."

"I don't know what time it is," Connor said.

"Even better. Then we definitely have all day."

"I don't know what kind of logic that is but I don't know if I agree with it."

"It means, five more minutes, baby, please?"

"Do you know how hard it is to say no to you?"

Jude drew a finger up Connor's abs. "Especially when you don't want to say no."

"Fine," Connor agreed. "Ten more minutes."

Jude laughed and bent down, kissing Connor again. The morning was perfect – as perfect as it could possibly get – and it was everything that he needed after yesterday. Connor was all that he needed right now and he smiled as his boyfriend kissed him.

"I love you."

Connor's lips brushed against his, feather-light. "You're my favourite person."

And Jude kissed him again, because it was all he wanted.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Time To Mend**_ **by Barcelona. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	72. Lullaby

Connor hurried to the front of the restaurant, hoping he didn't look unbearably terrible. He checked the text he had gotten from Jude and made sure it was the right restaurant. He locked his bike to the bike rack out front, hooked his helmet around the top of his backpack, and then walked in the door. The hostess looked at him with all the pep that her job required.

"Um, I'm meeting people here," Connor stuttered after her bright greeting.

"Sure."

"Um, I just, I see them … over there."

Connor quickly ran away from her and toward Jude, Stef, and Lena. His stomach felt like it was in a knot. He liked Jude's parents but, as things were the last time he saw them, he still had no idea whether or not Stef and Lena still liked him. If they had ever truly liked him. He pulled off his hat and toyed with it before he sat on the booth next to Jude, leaning in instinctually when Jude went to kiss his cheek.

"Hi, Connor," Lena greeted, and he thought she sounded happy to see him.

"Hi."

"Jude said you had an exam," Stef said.

Connor nodded. "Y-yeah. I have, um, one more. Econ. Then, I'm done for the term."

He felt entirely out of his element, at a slightly nice, though not overwhelming, restaurant with Jude's parents. It was worse that he hadn't really had time to prepare for it. He had walked out of his exam with a text of where to meet Jude, Stef, and Lena. He didn't even _look_ decent for a dinner with his boyfriend's parents. He was wearing one of Jude's too-tight shirts – partly because it was the first one that he grabbed out of the still cycling dryer and partly because he had hoped that the scent of Jude would act as a good-luck charm during his exam – under one of his rattier button-ups and he'd even worn sweatpants out of the house, fully intending to go home and nap on the couch next to Jude while Jude called for take-out. Jude had promised him Chinese food.

But now here he was, trying not to fidget, thinking that he should have learnt his lesson properly and never have left the house as anything less than perfectly put together.

"How many more do you have, Jude?"

"Two," Jude said, while Connor thought the same thing. Connor glanced over at Jude, meeting his eyes as Jude added, "Connor finishes before I do."

It was a normal addition and if Connor hadn't been looking at Jude, he probably wouldn't have blushed. But he _was_ looking at Jude and he did see the look in Jude's eye and even though Jude was only lightly teasing him, Connor couldn't stop his reaction. Jude was _flirting_ with him and Connor … Connor really liked that. His wrist skimming the side of the table, Connor reached over and took Jude's hand. Jude squeezed his hand.

"I hope you weren't waiting for me long," Connor said quickly.

"A few minutes," Lena said.

"We just ordered appetizers," Jude said, "but no main course."

"You didn't have to wait," Connor said.

"It would have been rude of us not to."

Connor bit down on the inside of his lip, unsure of how to speak to Stef. The conversation didn't linger on anything to do with him and he would have been glad for it – if not for where the actual conversation ended up going. It wound around to Taylor and Jude's visit to see her. Connor didn't have to look at Jude this time to know what he looked like. He knew how the corners of Jude's mouth would turn down and how his forehead would crease. Jude's thumb started tapping anxiously against the back of Connor's hand. Connor smoothed his own thumb against Jude's skin in an attempt to be comforting. He still didn't know exactly what he should do when Taylor came up.

"I can't try when it comes to Taylor. It's, um, not good for me and I … I need to be there for me," Jude said and Connor could hear the pain in his voice.

"Have you heard from her since you went to see her?" Lena asked.

Jude shook his head. "No. I keep expecting it. But, no."

The waitress came back and dropped off small plates for appetizers along with the large plate of nachos they had ordered.

"Are you ready to order the main course?" she asked.

"Oh, sure," Stef said.

Connor scrambled to pull Jude's menu toward him, ordering the first pasta dish that he laid eyes on. Was it selfish of him to wish to be on the couch waiting for Chinese food when Jude clearly needed time with his parents? Yes. Absolutely. It didn't stop him from daydreaming about it and from barely picking at the nachos, barely listening as Stef informed Jude that he should always be putting himself first. It sounded so parental, almost overly so, and Connor glanced up from the tabletop to catch the look on Lena's face, seeing the moment before she covered the pain of losing a daughter. Connor's heart ached and he felt even more insanely guilty for wishing he didn't have to have dinner with them tonight of all nights. If they needed their son around, if they needed mother, then he couldn't resent that at all. It was what they were here for and he knew that Jude wasn't healed – as much as a person could heal from a loss like that – and he also had to acknowledge that Stef and Lena were probably the same way, though that was something harder for Connor to wrap his head around. He was just so close to Jude's pain – to the way that Jude had stopped crying himself to sleep every night but it still happened, to the way he had turned all of the family photos on his bookshelf around to face the wall, but he couldn't bring himself to remove Taylor's photos yet, and to the way that he had hidden Callie's camera in his sock drawer after spending endless days just staring at it. Connor idly thought that he should convince Jude to bring it on vacation with them.

While he had been lost in thought, the conversation had ambled away from Taylor, instead going toward visiting Adam.

"Anything fun planned?" Lena asked.

"Oh, I don't know," Jude said. "Connor's trip, Connor's responsibility."

"Uh oh," Connor managed, thrown off-kilter by Jude's grin.

"Come on, there has to be a few places you've thought about showing me," Jude pressed.

Of course, there had been but the one place that Connor wanted to take Jude the most seemed completely inappropriate to mention here. He wanted to take Jude to the cemetery; he wanted Jude to meet his mother in the only way possible for him to. But he couldn't say that.

"Um, I don't know. It's … It's not a really interesting place. I guess, um, maybe my school and the places I liked. Good places to eat."

Their main dishes were dropped off and their water glasses refilled. An awkward silence lulled until the waitress was drawn away again.

"I'm sure your father has thought of a few things for you to do," Stef mentioned.

"Maybe," Connor admitted reluctantly. "He … He will probably want to go to the batting cages. We always did that together. And, uh, I said I'd make dinner for us and his girlfriend one night."

"You didn't tell me that," Jude said.

"I haven't really wanted to think about it," Connor admitted quietly, his stomach rolling with queasiness. He hated meeting new people, particularly when they were _important_ new people. What if she didn't like him?

"It'll be great."

Connor shoved a meatball across his spaghetti. Jude's pep didn't convince him, not for a second but he struggled to get a smile on his face. His mind dragged, feeling tired. He was thinking back to his exam now – to everything he should have known and didn't, to everything that he probably did know but was questioning anyway. He spun some pasta around his fork.

"Thank you for inviting me to dinner," he said.

"We're always glad to see you," Lena said. "And we're glad that you and Jude made amends."

His heart twisted and he whispered, "Me too."

It was unbelievable to him that he was here at all and that Jude had even allowed him to make amends like they did and he felt a little too sick to eat his pasta. He forced himself to take a systematic bite anyway. It would be rude not to. He didn't want to talk about what had happened between he and Jude. He was sure Stef and Lena had heard, by now, what had gone wrong. He was sure that they had their judgements and their opinions but, though he respected the two of them, he didn't want to hear them. When it came to what was going on, it was Jude's opinion that had to matter most. If Connor were being totally honest with himself, when it came to most things now, it was still Jude's opinion that mattered most.

He blundered his way through the rest of dinner, where nothing more about he and Jude's relationship was really commented on, which he was grateful for. And he also managed to bow out before dessert, but that was because, despite himself, he'd almost fallen asleep on Jude's shoulder.

"Thank you so much for dinner," he said, feeling bad as he took his takeout box and stood from the table.

"It was so nice to see you. I hope you have a lot of fun with your father, since we probably won't be able to see you before."

"Thanks, Lena. Have a nice drive back."

He pulled his hat low over his eyes as he stood up.

"I'll be home soon," Jude said.

"Take your time. I might just go right to bed. I'm exhausted."

Jude nodded and crooked his finger. Connor bent down and kissed Jude on the cheek before sweeping from the restaurant. He hooked his bag over his shoulders and pedaled back to Jude's apartment as swiftly as he could. He locked the bike to the deck and unlocked the front door. He checked through the few rooms but it was empty, everything just as it should be. He put his spaghetti in the fridge and then he collapsed onto the couch. He had meant to end up in bed but, perhaps, it was too early to do that, no matter how tired he was. He drew the plaid blanket up around him and found a cooking competition that was just beginning. The minutes ticked by as he watched and, just before the winner was announced, the show cut to commercial. Jude walked in, then.

"Hey, baby, I brought you a brownie from the restaurant. They were really good. I didn't want you to miss out."

"Thanks."

"Also, you'll never guess what Moms bought us," Jude said, and Connor could hear the laughter in his voice as he crossed over to the kitchen.

"What?" Connor asked, not particularly in the mood to play a guessing game.

"Condoms and lube," Jude said. "They want us to be safe. I told him that we weren't there yet but, uh, well, that's what we've got."

"Oh."

"I'll just stick them away," Jude said. "We won't have to think about them at all."

Connor heard the fridge door open and shut and then he heard Jude fiddling around in his dresser. Despite himself, Connor pushed himself up on his elbows to watch Jude undress, his dirty clothes collapsing onto the floor. Jude pulled his pyjama pants on and then stretched his arms far above his head, reaching into the drawer full of his sleep shirts.

"No, don't," Connor said, and then he felt bad for both ordering Jude around and thinking of their condoms while he did it. He pushed the condoms to the back of his mind and he corrected himself on the other matter, feeling like he had gotten far too comfortable in his relationship with Jude and had forgotten everything that was right. " _Please_ , don't."

But Jude just laughed, shutting the drawer and walking over to Connor. "What? You like me or something?"

"Something," Connor mumbled, turning onto his side so there would be room on the couch for Jude to join him.

"I'll take it," Jude decided.

Connor liked him. Connor liked how warm he was and how easy it was to just be with him. Connor tucked himself under Jude's arm, pressing his ear over Jude's heart and counting the steady thumps in his mind. He got up to forty-eight before Jude moved.

"How are your moms?"

"Good. Thank you for coming to dinner, even though I know you didn't want to be there."

"I was trying not to be obvious."

"You never want anything after an exam," Jude said. "It wasn't hard for me to tell but I like that you tried."

Jude was worth trying for.

"How do you feel about your exam?"

"Terrible."

"You've said that before."

"I still feel it," Connor said defensively.

"At least you have some time to relax before you start studying for the next one."

"Jude, would you honestly call me a relaxed person?"

"No," Jude admitted and Connor half-shivered as Jude's breath sent his hair blowing. "Not usually. I think you're doing a great impression of it now."

Only because Jude's heartbeat was like a lullaby. Only because Jude's arms were strong enough to keep him safe. Connor turned his face into Jude's bare chest, listening to his breath heave through his lungs. He slid his fingers along Jude's stomach, reaching for his ribs. Jude kissed his forehead and then at his cheek, just enough so Connor would tilt his head back and give Jude his lips. Connor slid his hand around to Jude's back, appreciating how Jude could feel _surrounding_ without feeling _suffocating_. He let his fingers wander further down Jude's spine, feeling and exploring. He had touched Jude's back before, of course, but it hadn't been in quite the same way. To really feel his skin and let his fingers creep further and further down, feeling his heart start to stutter in his chest.

"Connor," Jude gasped.

"What?" Connor asked, his hands still against Jude's butt.

"You're going to drive me insane."

"Sorry. Do you want me to … stop?" He lingered over the last word. _He_ didn't want to stop and he hoped Jude didn't want to either.

"No," Jude said, and to Connor's surprise, a small laugh erupted from Jude's lips. "I'm just a little surprised at you."

"It feels right," Connor said. "And, why stop something that feels that way?"

Jude hooked his leg over Connor's and Connor's hands spread wider against him.

"You're the one that said new things, right?"

"Yeah, but I meant for you."

"Technically," Connor said, his voice catching as he tried not to dwell on it, "none of it's really new to me."

"I meant, last time it was you giving me something. I thought next time it could be me giving you something. Or this time."

The thought if it was tempting and Connor felt his hips jerk toward Jude before he really thought about it. But, the reality of it was a little more horrifying. To let Jude touch him would be to make himself vulnerable. It would be so easy for Jude to hurt him. Connor knew that. Connor had felt it before but not from Jude. But could he take that chance? Connor's stomach flopped.

"I'll go slow, give you lots of time to say no," Jude said. "And you can always say no, to anything, whenever you want."

"I can always say no," Connor repeated.

Connor kissed Jude quickly and then he sat up, taking his shirt off as quickly as he could and dropping it onto the floor beside the couch. His fingers itched with the irrational urge to fold it, even in a moment like the one they were having now. Jude's hands were hot against his skin and Connor didn't flinch. He liked it and if he liked it what they had done so far, was it so wrong to think that he might like a little more?

Maybe.

There were still times when inviting in the physical affection with Jude was hard for him to do, since he wasn't supposed to ask for it. He wasn't really supposed to even _like_ it that much. He was just there to be used when his ex needed something. That was what he had gotten used to in the years with his ex-boyfriend. It was familiar and it was safe. Jude was safe but he wasn't familiar. There was still unpredictability written in his brown eyes.

Connor felt like his heart nearly stopped as Jude kissed him, hands sliding down. Physically, his body was excited. Mentally, his mind was jumping around and scrabbling. He bit down on the inside of his lip as Jude slowly worked his pants down. He sucked in a breath as Jude actually kissed his hipbone and his brain stuttered over that too. Jude was gentle and that was almost worse. Pain, at least, Connor knew what to do with; he knew how to react to that. But when Jude's hand, feeling incredibly big, wrapped around him, Connor's mind went entirely blank. There was nothing but Jude's palm and Jude's head resting against his ribs. Jude's breath made him shiver. Fragmented thoughts bounced around in his mind and he couldn't seem to catch his breath.

It was … good. For a split moment, Connor only felt surprise, despite what Jude was doing. And it had to do with the fact that Jude's grasp was almost a little too loose but he was warmed from that fact too, because it meant that Jude was listening and was trying so hard not to hurt him. Jude's hand moved a little faster and a sound that Connor hadn't really meant to make spilled from his lips.

"Is it as bad as you thought it was going to be?" Jude asked.

"N-no," Connor managed.

Jude's hand moved in a new way, slowly moving down to hold the bottom of Connor's shaft and staying there. Connor's head popped up from the arm of the couch. New was different, new was bad, new was pain, new was – Jude's mouth around him.

A loud moan escaped him and then a spiral of flashbacks went through his mind. Teeth and pulling and pain and believing he would never be whole again.

"Stop!" he shrieked, before he thought about the consequences of doing so. It always hurt more when he –

But Jude wasn't even touching him anymore.

Connor sat up and pulled his pants back up and groped around for his shirt. His shirt. Where was his shirt? He was too exposed. Oh. Jude was handing it to him. Connor yanked it over his head and by the time he looked up, Jude already had the plaid blanket held out for him. Tears welled in his eyes and it felt too _hot._ Connor grabbed the blanket.

"Thank … Thank … Thank you," he hiccoughed.

"Anything for you … Within reason," Jude added, and when Connor wrenched his eyes open, he could see that Jude was smiling oh so gently. "I'm sorry I pushed."

Connor tucked the blanket around his legs. _Breathe, breathe, breathe_ , he chanted over and over in his mind.

"It … It was … It was g-g-g-good, but, um, too … too much."

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Connor shook his head.

"Or … scare you?"

"Not you. It's not you. I just … It's just …"

"Him."

Connor hated that his instinct was still to be defensive over the way that Jude's tone went flat at the mention of his ex. He shouldn't still want to protect the man; he shouldn't still hate when people thought ill of him. He had spent too long trying to unlearn it but it still came back to him. It still _haunted_ him. Connor wondered if true freedom was even really possible.

"What can I do to help you, baby?"

"Um." Connor's mind scrambled. "Just … just don't … don't leave."

"Where am I going to go?" Jude asked, and it felt good to Connor that Jude was still easily joking with him. It never felt like Jude was laughing _at_ him. "This is _my_ place."

"You could kick me out," Connor mumbled, kicking himself for the suggestion. What if Jude decided to take him up on it?

"Oh, I could never do that to you," Jude insisted. Then, sounding embarrassed, he admitted, "I don't really think of this just mine anymore. I hope that doesn't scare you."

It did, but, really, what didn't? Connor wrapped his arms tightly around his stomach and rested his head on the back of the couch. _Breathe, breathe, breathe_. Either he was getting better at banishing the memories or the memories were actually fading. Connor didn't care which one it was. Breathing was easier and that was what mattered.

"I have a place here," Connor said to Jude.

He felt like he had more of a place here than he ever did in his ex's house. There, Connor had always felt like a guest or a maid. There was always something for him to do or take care of. If he was ever left the idle time on his hands, Connor had always hunted around for things to do for his ex-boyfriend, rather than doing something that he wanted. He always felt like he was walking on eggshells. Here, at Jude's, he had a comfortable spot on the couch; he could relax and watch a movie; if his clothes ended up in Jude's drawer, it wasn't the end of the world. Jude wore Connor's t-shirts sometimes and Connor was sure that it wasn't an accident when he did.

"Yes," Jude said. Even though it was something that Connor knew, he was still so glad to hear it. It wasn't true until Jude confirmed it. "How do you feel?"

"Like I'm going to survive this."

"You are."

"This, but not my dad."

Connor was glad that Jude cracked a smile at his weak joke. "Even that will be fine, baby, you'll see."

"I want you to be right."

"I am."

Jude's confidence was alluring and that thought brutally battled with the memory of his ex. Connor hooked the top of the blanket up over his head so that it framed his face like a hood.

"Can we just sit and watch TV for a while?" Connor asked.

"Of course."

Connor turned slightly on the couch as Jude did the same and they just stared at the television as the second hour of the cooking show faded into a cop drama.

"Oh, change it, please," Connor whimpered, yanking the blanket over his head the moment before the female victim was hit across the face by the killer.

"Oh, sorry, baby."

A click of a button and Connor recognized the whirring noise of a tattoo gun. Slowly, he peeked out of his blanket to see one of the tattoo shows that they often found themselves watching, and Connor relaxed. It was a safe option. Connor rested his head down against the arm of the couch, trusting Jude to stay on his side of the couch. Connor didn't want to be touched right now and he knew that Jude was aware of that. Connor's eyes started to drift shut before they reached the middle of the hour-long episode and he sat up and stretched.

"I, um, I …" He turned back to face Jude. "Is it all right if I go to bed, Jude?"

"Of course. You don't need to ask me that."

But maybe he did. Maybe, tonight, he had to.

"I think I might stay up and watch the rest of this," Jude said. "Is that going to bother you?"

Connor shook his head. He'd make sure it didn't. He got off the couch, quickly brushed his teeth, and then climbed onto Jude's bed. Connor adjusted the curtains so Jude wouldn't have to wrestle with them to come to bed later. Then, Connor built his pillow wall, something that he hadn't had to do in a long time. It was the only solution he could think of. He wanted to be in his spot; he wanted to know that Jude was going to be right there next to him. It was something that Connor counted on now. But he also couldn't handle the thought of snuggling Jude as they normally did. At least, he couldn't quite handle it right now.

He hoped Jude didn't hate him for the pillow wall, when he finally he came to bed.

(-.-)

Connor woke, feeling stiff and sore. He picked his head up slowly but, mercifully, his neck felt fine. His arms, didn't. His ribs, didn't. His back, didn't. And it was all because he had thrown himself across his own pillow barrier in an attempt to get his arms locked around his boyfriend for the night. It had been successful, at least, his arm trapped underneath of Jude's body and fast asleep because of it. Jude shifted, his jaw slack as he sucked in loud air. For a moment, Connor forgot about his arm as he just watched Jude. Connor would never say Jude was at his _most_ handsome when he slept but it couldn't be denied that he certainly was certainly handsome as he snorted slightly.

Connor tried to untangle his arm from underneath of Jude without moving him too much. He wasn't successful. While trying to pull his arm away, trying to roll back to his space, Jude woke up. Connor tried to move around but then Jude threw himself over the pillow wall, half on top of Connor. And Connor wasn't even scared. His breath caught, but that was only because Jude murmured his name sleepily. Connor hooked his arms around Jude's waist and Jude collapsed down against him, his body completely soft.

"You left me out last night," Jude whined.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you okay?" Jude asked.

His lips brushed Connor's collarbone and Connor shivered in spite of himself.

"I just needed some space but I didn't want to be _away_ from you. Does that make sense?"

Jude nodded and his hair tickled the inside of Connor's nose. Connor tightened his arms around Jude, holding him as closely as he could. Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's jaw, his mouth leaving a wet imprint.

"You were dreaming last night," Jude informed him.

"How do you know?"

"You move around more when you're dreaming."

"I do?"

"Yeah, you do. I've slept next to you long enough to know." Jude chuckled. "What did you dream of last night?"

"Flying but the plane was a bird," Connor whispered, but it wasn't even really what he was thinking about. He didn't know he tossed and turned more when he dreamt, and he had slept next to someone else for _years_ versus the few months he'd been able to do so with Jude.

"That's a new one."

Someone who even knew about the dreams he'd had before.

"I guess I've just been thinking about going to see Dad."

"Soon."

"Soon," Connor echoed. "It's going to be weird, you know that?"

"I know. That's why you need me with you, right?"

"One reason."

Jude glanced up at him. "You've got the most amazing eyes."

Connor slid his hand around to press to the small of Jude's back and kissed him, brief and gentle and slow enough that his blood simmer before coming to a boil. His heart raced as he gently turned onto his side, curling Jude into him. He liked how Jude fit, even though Jude was taller and with decidedly more awkward limbs. Connor threaded his fingers through Jude's silk hair and felt his eyes drift shut again.

Slow mornings were perfect mornings.

"I love you," Jude whispered.

Absolutely perfect mornings.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Lullaby**_ **by Chester See. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	73. Malibu

**A special** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **announcement! This story will be 78 chapters long, plus an epilogue!**

 **~TLL~**

Connor folded the last of Jude's shirts and put it on top of the others in the suitcase. There. Everything on their list was packed, except for their toothbrushes and their deodorant, which they would pack right before their flight. Connor closed the suitcase and zipped it up and then checked his backpack, which was serving as their carry-on. Everything was ready. The alarm was set, there was no food to spoil in the fridge, his cactuses were watered and would be fine until they returned. All that was left was for Jude to come home and for them to sleep until it was time to go to the airport. In a taxi, with a driver that he didn't know. To walk into a building full of people he didn't know. To get on a plane, where there was only Jude that he knew. To go to a town that was supposed to be _home_ , but was just filled with things that he didn't know.

Except for Jude.

The door opened and Connor looked at the time.

"You're an hour early."

Jude sat down on the floor next to him, crossing his legs. "I bribed Benjamin to come in an hour early. I just wanted to be home with you."

"You're always with me," Connor pointed out. "And you're about to spend an entire week with me."

"Yeah, I know, but I'd rather be kissing your ass than Jason's. Is that such a bad thing?" Jude grinned and Connor tried to smile back.

"Not that you touching me worked out."

Connor surprised himself by the twinge of sadness in his voice. It had been days since they'd tried anything. There had been exams to study for, a job to go to, and a trip to worry over. Nothing beyond light kissing had been done, unless the intensity of their cuddling counted for anything. And it shouldn't matter. Connor _knew_ Jude wasn't keeping score. He knew Jude would be happy no matter how far they went physically but, just because he knew it, it didn't mean he felt it. Especially with Jude feeling the way he did about the physical. He believed intimacy was intimate, unlike the chore Connor had always lived through. Connor would like to feel what Jude did, even if it only happened once. Even if it only happened for a moment.

Jude stretched his arms up over his head and the slightest flash of his stomach showed. Connor tugged at Jude's calf and Jude slid across the floor so that he was seated next to Connor, his back nearly touching the side of the couch.

"Come here, please," Connor said, beckoning Jude even closer.

"Baby, what is it?"

Connor grabbed the hem of Jude's shirt and started pulling it up. "I don't like your work shirt."

Jude laughed, pulling his arms out of the shirt for Connor. Connor gave into his tendency and folded the shirt. Their flight left early. If he didn't keep everything neat and tidy as he went, he wouldn't have the time to fix it up. Jude laughed at him again.

"Have I ever mentioned that I love that you hate my work shirt?"

Jude seemed to love a lot about him but the thought was comforting now. Well, almost comforting. It was more comforting than anxiety inducing. Connor touched Jude's stomach, feeling shy. As if there was a reason for him to feel shy in front of Jude now. In September, maybe, but never now. Jude had seen him – broken and vulnerable and literally naked – and Jude was still standing in front of him.

"I love the rest of you too, you know."

Connor glanced up at Jude, feeling breathless as a memory echoed through his head. _"You know, baby, I love your eyes … And the rest of you. All of you."_ How things had changed since the first time Jude had said it. How _they_ had changed.

"I know," Connor whispered and he felt the impulse to say more. "I'm so grateful for you."

Jude grinned and it nearly stopped Connor's heart. "Then help me up, babe. Work and the hard floor are going to make me super sore."

"Want a massage?" Connor offered, clambering to his feet so he could help Jude up.

"Would you?"

"For you," Connor said. "And then we should try to sleep."

"It's only ten now," Jude partially whined, leading Connor toward the bed.

"We have to be ready to leave here by four. And then we're on a plane and then we land and then we have to spend the day awake. With my dad."

"We can _try_ to sleep."

"You worked. You should be tired."

"Should," Jude hummed, nosing at Connor's thigh with his foot. "But, you know, you keep me awake."

Connor smiled at that and let himself fall onto the bed next to Jude.

"Are you going to take my pants off or are you going to make me do it?"

"I'll do it. You won't fold them."

Jude laughed again. "That's romantic."

Connor popped Jude's button; his hands didn't shake anymore. "What _would_ you consider romantic? Aside from actually going out because, um, you know."

"You're still scared to have your face out in public." Jude lifted his hips and Connor pulled his pants all the way off, folding them neatly and turning to sit them on the edge of the couch. When he turned back to Jude, Jude said, "Chocolate covered strawberries. Those are romantic, right?"

"And easy to make."

"Bubble baths?" Jude suggested, turning on the bed and putting his feet in Connor's lap.

Connor put his hands against the sole of Jude's foot. "I don't think one of us could comfortably take a bath in your tub, let alone both of us."

"Guess you'll have to go the extra mile and find a tub that we can both fit in," Jude mused. "Oh! Oh, right there."

"What else?" Connor asked. "What else can I do so that you're happy?"

"Baby, I am happy."

"Happier," Connor amended. " _Happiest_."

Jude went silent for a long moment and Connor felt his whole body tense. Connor quietly worked along Jude's calves. Jude pushed himself up on his elbows.

"The things that what would make me happiest are things out of your control and have nothing to do with you. When it comes to you and us, I am generally at, um, ninety-five percent happy."

"The other five percent?"

"Four percent could be fixed with a little more baking," Jude admitted.

Connor grinned. He was sure that a few cakes wouldn't hurt anything, but he was also sure that it wasn't the only thing Jude could possibly need from him. It was nice, though, to have something to hold onto. Connor liked concrete things. "And the last one percent?"

"Is walking down the hill to the door, wondering if you'll still be here or if there will be a note saying you never want to see me again."

"Jude –"

"And it's okay," Jude said. "It's mostly gone now. Just every once in a while, especially if I had a bad day."

"I'm really sorry."

"I know you are. Come on, baby, up a little more."

Connor obliged, his thumbs along the tops of Jude's thighs. He felt his heart sinking low into his chest and he had no idea how to raise it back up again. He was sorry. Just so sorry. But he knew Jude knew that.

"Roll over."

Jude flipped over and Connor pressed his fingers into the flesh of the back of his thigh and wished that he could see Jude's face. There was no way for him to tell what Jude was thinking or feeling just from the backs of his legs. It didn't stop him. He didn't want to let Jude down in this way too. And, so, he just massaged the seemingly endless length of Jude's legs until Jude stretched his arms out in front of him, letting out a high, squeaky sound that was adorable, frankly. And Connor wasn't used to thinking of Jude as _adorable_. It wasn't a descriptor that he usually connected to Jude but it fit for now. Jude turned onto his back again, pushing himself up so that he was sitting. Connor knew what was coming and he was ready for when Jude's arms went around him and they tipped back onto the pillows.

"Are you going to fall asleep now?"

"No. I'm gonna make you talk to me." Jude grinned, all of his teeth showing. "And we left the lights on. I can't sleep with the lights on."

"I thought I was going to do the talking."

"What are you going to talk to me about?"

"Um, well, Dad's going to let you drive his car," Connor said. "So that we can go exploring while he's at work. There's not that much to do but we can try and do something."

"You can show me where you went to school."

"It's … It's not worth remembering. And it's hard to look at the high school I never really got to go to or graduate from. There's too much to think about. The person I could have been. Maybe I would have actually gone to school in New York. Maybe I would have something I really wanted to do with my life. I-I could have been someone completely different."

"Don't you think parts of us are set in stone?"

"Like fate?"

"Kind of. Don't you think you'd always be kind, always be a ball player? Don't you think I'd always suck or math or fall in love with you?"

Jude sounded serious and he looked even more so and Connor couldn't laugh. He couldn't shoot down the idea, even though he wanted to. He didn't think the idea of fate was funny, but he definitely thought it was uncomfortable. Fate meant that _something_ had decided he deserved to be abused for years; that he _deserved_ to have a father that couldn't decide whether or not to like him; and that he had a mother that _deserved_ to die.

"I think that this is it. This is all we have. It's our choices that put us here. That's all."

"Hmm."

"But you don't agree."

"I usually sit in the middle of a lecture hall," Jude said.

"So?"

"So, the first day of classes this year, I was late and I had to sit in back. I didn't choose to be late. My car wouldn't start but it's not like the car _decided_ that."

"You didn't have to choose to sit next to me after that."

"I couldn't just forget about you after I saw you."

Connor kissed Jude's forehead and tightened his arms around his boyfriend. "I wish it were that easy for me."

"What?"

"To be sweet and know romantic things like that to say without having to really think about it." Connor took Jude's hand in his own, repositioning it on his chest. "You make my heart race."

"I love you as you are," Jude said and he laughed. "I think it skipped a beat."

"Probably."

"So, if you're not going to show me your school, what would you like to show me?"

"The batting cages. There are good memories there. Um, I'd like you to go with me to put flowers on Mom's grave."

"It'd mean a lot to me to go with you."

Jude hooked his leg up over Connor's body.

"Other than that, I don't know what we'll do. I'm making dinner for us and Rachel."

"You think you'll like her?"

"I think Dad does and we live such separate lives that it would be unfair of me to be the deciding factor."

"Separate lives but you talk to him more than I talk to anyone in my family."

"Yeah, but nothing really gets said. You can open up to your family. That makes me a little jealous too."

"Maybe you and your dad will get better. If not, Moms have to parent everyone."

"Mmm." Connor stared upward at Jude's white ceiling. "I guess it's hard to imagine a world where Dad and I have an honestly good relationship."

"Maybe this trip will change things. You never know."

"No, I don't know," Connor agreed. "And that's what bothers me so much."

Jude laughed and it turned into a yawn.

"I thought you weren't tired."

"Maybe I'm _slightly_ sleepy."

"So, let me get up and turn the lights off. You won't like to sleep on the plane."

"I wouldn't let myself."

"Why not?"

"Because planes freak you out and you wouldn't wake me if you needed me. Plus, it's only an hour. What kind of sleep could I get in an hour?"

"Well, you could get better sleep, here, in bed."

"I could. If I wanted to sleep."

"Instead you want me to talk to you."

"Or make out with me. I'd also be happy with a nice kiss. Or two. Or three."

Connor hesitated, wondering for a moment if this was the beginning he'd been waiting for. Was this Jude asking for physical things and then asking for more and more than that until Connor couldn't handle his requests anymore? No. That was ridiculous. Jude had asked for kisses before. Jude would never do that to him. His hand shook.

"I'm going to go turn the lights off."

" _Baby_."

Connor untangled himself from Jude and quickly turned out the lights. In the darkness, he pulled the curtains around the bed and fell into the still-warm spot on the mattress. Jude was right there to wrap himself around back around Connor, all long limbs and heat. The darkness was overwhelming and Connor almost regretted turning off the light. Connor turned his head and pressed his forehead to Jude's, sliding down the bed so that he could bury his head in between Jude's arms. He needed to be held; he needed to be the one who found comfort. Jude circled around him and it felt like the most welcoming hug he had ever experienced.

"You don't have to be so scared, baby. It's just your dad."

"What if _he's_ there?"

"He won't be. He won't. No one knows you're going to be there. And you can wear that hat and those big sunglasses and no one will know. No one's going to be looking for you. Nothing scary. You're okay."

"What if I'm not?"

"What if you don't have to be scared every time you leave the house? What if he's not looking for you? What if we're here and safe and that's what we have and that's what matters?"

"I don't know and that's the problem."

"Do you know I love you?"

Connor nodded, crushing his ear against Jude's arm. "I … I know that. I think I'm sure about that."

"Me too."

"You should have been sure of that the first time you told me."

"I was! You can just … You can just get surer about something, you know, as time passes."

"Excuses, excuses."

Jude laughed. "Look at you, being funny."

"I'm not funny."

"A little bit. Sometimes. Not when you mean to be, though."

"See, if I was really funny, I'd be able to make you laugh on purpose."

"It's part of your charm."

"I don't have that, either."

"You charm _me_."

"Well, if you had standards, I wouldn't."

"Baby! That was _mean_!"

Jude still wasn't mad at him. He wasn't angry. Connor never wanted to see Jude angry again.

"I'm sorry."

"You set the standard, you know."

"You're not really convincing me that you have high standards, you know."

"Connor!" Jude laughed. "Shh."

"You told me to talk."

"Next time I'll give you talking points so you don't end up insulting us both with one sentence."

"You still don't sound mad."

"I'm not. It's hard to get mad at you. And I hate it when I am. It makes me feel gross."

"Gross."

"Gross. It's the only part of me and you that makes me anything less than happy. I don't want to be gross with you."

"Gross," Connor repeated again.

"Wrong word to use?" Jude guessed.

"A little," Connor murmured.

"Sorry."

Connor tilted his head upward and softly kissed Jude. "Goodnight, Jude."

"Still not tired."

"Now you're just being stubborn."

"Tell me a story, baby, and then I'll go to sleep."

"A story? About what?"

"About you."

"If I didn't care about you," Connor warned, "I wouldn't."

"But you do care about me," Jude said sleepily.

"Yeah, I do," Connor agreed, hunting around in his mind for something about himself that he hadn't told Jude yet. Not a snippet of something or a tiny piece, a real story. Something about himself that Jude didn't know. And Connor would do that for him because Connor would never let him down again, even in the smallest of ways.

And, so, he thought of a story of his first time playing on a winning baseball team and told Jude that. Because Connor wasn't letting him down.

(-.-)

"Shut it up."

"You're closer."

" _Baby_."

"Still closer."

Jude rolled over and killed the alarm that Connor had set, yanking the blanket up over his head and burrowing into Connor's ribs.

"Told you it was going to be an early morning."

"Did you set my snoozes?"

"Of course."

Jude yawned and his arm slung across Connor's waist. "Coffee."

"Another snooze and I'll make you coffee."

"No, lay with me for two more."

Jude turned over and grabbed Connor's hand, turning Connor over to wrap around him. Connor hid his head against the back of Jude's neck. Jude snorted and it half-sounded like a snore.

"Airport," Connor reminded him.

"Sleep."

"Airport."

"In five minutes," Jude argued. "Plus, coffee."

"Of course. I wouldn't let you go without your coffee."

"That's why I love you," Jude said through a yawn.

"Only that?"

"I have a million other reasons to."

 _A million?_ He had to be exaggerating but Connor didn't dare ask. Knowing Jude, he would probably start listing things and Connor knew he was going to just think that Jude was lying. No one could possibly think that many good things about him – even though he had to admit that if someone were going to, it would be Jude – by telling the truth. Connor didn't want to start the morning off thinking about that. Today would be hard enough without thinking that even Jude was lying to him. If there was one thing that Connor could trust Jude on, it was his honesty.

The second alarm started blaring and Jude hit it with a little more anger and a more antagonized groan escaped from him.

" _Connor_."

"What?"

"It's early."

"You knew that."

"I know. I want to forget."

Connor laughed at him and hugged him tightly again. Jude groaned and slid his head underneath of a pillow.

"One more snooze, and then coffee."

"Sleep forever."

"Not quite."

"Mean."

Connor kissed the back of Jude's neck. "Did you mean that?"

"No, no," Jude said. "Of course not."

Jude faced him so they were chest to chest, nose to nose, and Jude's leg hooked up over Connor's hip.

"You've spoilt me," Connor said.

"I really don't."

"No, you just … indulge my lazy mornings."

"I really love being lazy with you," Jude said. "I love it. It's my favourite activity with you."

"I don't know if it counts as an activity."

Jude groaned and then he pushed himself up, throwing his leg over Connor so that he was straddling his boyfriend. "Does _this_ count as an activity?"

"I think so. Even if you kind of look like you're going to fall asleep on me."

"Then, wake me up."

Sometimes, it was still fascinating to Connor that Jude flirted with him. That Jude wanted to flirt with him. Someone like Jude saw something in him and wanted to keep him around, liked him for it, in fact. Connor pushed his hand up along Jude's leg, watching Jude smile. Connor pushed himself up onto his hands and pressed his lips to Jude's. Jude fell against him, kissing him desperately. Connor lifted one hand, and then the alarm went off, shattering the moment. Jude groaned loudly and lunged for the alarm. Connor sat up all the way but Jude rolled back into his lap, his head against Connor's thigh.

"Where are you going?" Jude whined.

"To make your coffee, so you can have the energy to get dressed, so we can make it into the cab and then to the airport."

"You left us lots of time to be early."

"Because I knew you'd do this."

"I'm just saying, you have time to kiss me once."

"I've already kissed you once."

"Baby, you know that's not what I meant."

Connor kissed him, softly and deliberately on the forehead. Jude groaned and then he erupted into a laugh.

"You know, it's so easy to tell when you're happy. I love the way that you are now." Jude raised his eyebrows and added, "Even though I love the way that you were when I met you too."

Jude knew him too well.

"Jude, I –" Connor's tongue tied in his mouth.

"You?"

"Should get you coffee," Connor said. "We can't be late."

"Coffee, clothes, cab," Jude said, holding up his pinkie. "Let's do this."

Connor hooked his finger over Jude's. "We can do this."

"That's the attitude!"

Jude pushed himself off the bed. Connor followed Jude, veering off into the kitchen and starting the coffee maker. Jude left the bathroom door open while he changed into his day clothes and Connor couldn't help but peek around the corner of the kitchen to watch Jude pull his jeans up over his hips. Jude turned to grab his shirt off the edge of the bathroom counter and caught Connor's eye. Connor flushed, as if he were going to be punished for wanting to see his boyfriend. It wasn't as if Jude had shut the door. It wasn't as if he had cared that much about privacy.

"Do you like playing peeping Tom with everyone or am I just special?"

"If you don't know that you're special by now, I'm really failing at this relationship thing."

"You think I'm special," Jude said, as if he were gloating about something. "And you made me coffee."

"Yeah. It's kind of like I really like you or something."

Jude laughed and pulled his shirt over his head. "You know, for all of your talking about getting ready to go, you're still in your pyjamas."

"I was making your coffee," Connor protested.

"And I'm just teasing you," Jude said. "Come on, you get dressed, I'll pour."

"Thanks."

Connor shut the bathroom door behind him, because he wasn't as confident or as fearless as Jude was. He didn't mind so much now if Jude saw him, because Jude _had_ seen all of him, but Connor still wanted to be in control of it. He glanced at the shower as he slid his button-up over his shoulders and butterflies appeared in his stomach. But they weren't the ones that he'd been experiencing over his trip. These were the butterflies from Jude. Connor turned and opened the bathroom door. Jude was zipping up the side of their big suitcase, his coffee mug in his hand.

"Did I forget something?" Connor asked.

"No, no," Jude said. "I just think you're rubbing off on me and I felt the need to doublecheck it was all there."

"And was it?"

"Yeah." Jude picked a second mug up off the counter and offered it to Connor.

"Thanks."

Connor curled his hands around the warm porcelain and tried to take comfort from it.

"You don't have to look so scared, baby. It's just your dad."

"But it's not. It's being back in that town. It's wondering if he's there waiting for me. It's meeting Rachel. It's a million things." Connor sipped at his coffee, just for something to do. "And I hate planes."

"It's not even a long flight. We'll be okay. We've got each other now."

Connor nodded and he reached out one hand, just to hold onto Jude. They leant against the back of the couch, drinking their coffee as quickly as they could manage, because then they had to brush their teeth, pack their toothbrushes, and head out the door to meet their cab. Connor felt his stomach drop the further they drove away from Jude's. Adam coming to visit him was fine; Connor going home was not. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to do it again. It would probably depend on how this visit went, but Connor was gladder than ever that Jude was coming with him. He couldn't imagine doing it without Jude. Jude was his strength.

They arrived at the airport and Connor felt as though his heart was in his mouth as he paid the baggage fee. They were close to leaving. He was going to be out of the safe bubble that he had formed for himself and, unlike when he went to New York, he wasn't going to be entering a strange, new place full of distractions. The last time that he had been in his father's home, there had had been nothing but pain for him. Even with Jude at his side, it was hard to picture being happy there.

He hooked his backpack over his shoulders, putting one hand on each of the straps and clinging to them. He needed something to hold onto. Jude rolled the large suitcase behind him and they walked through the front doors. It was early and it was still bustling with people and Connor almost froze in the middle of the bright, tiled floor. There were too many people. Too much could happen.

"I can't do this."

"Yes, baby, you can. You're going to be able to walk on the plane and we're going to watch part of a stupid plane movie and then we're going to get off the plane and we're going to spend an uncomfortable but decently good week at your dad's. That's all there is. Come on. _We_ can do this."

Connor's fingers itched and he wanted to reach for his baseball cap but he knew how he would look, skulking around the airport in a ball cap. He knew that he would have to take it off for security anyway. He took a deep breath and looked at Jude's outstretched hand but he didn't want to take it. He just didn't want to do _anything_ that could attract attention and Connor knew how PDA attracted attention. Single people, wondering if their relationship was good. Couples, wondering if their relationship was better. He clutched his bag straps more tightly.

"C-c-can we, um, find the gate? Please. I … I'll find … I mean, find the gate. I … I feel better when I c-c-can know when we're g-g-going."

"Okay. We do have to go through security first."

"I know."

"And get rid of the bag."

"You mean check it in, right? No, like, leave it in the hall?"

Jude laughed. "Right. Check-in."

Jude started padding along the airport and Connor followed him. It was easier just to follow along sometimes and he wanted to be strong and he wanted to be independent, like all of the things that Dr. Scott and Adam said that he would be someday, just like he should have been all along, but sometimes, he just had to give in. It was easier to give in to Jude, to someone that he knew and trusted and who would hold him properly when he needed it. Jude found check-in. Jude talked and smiled at all the people who needed to be talked to and smiled at. Jude put the bag down to be carried off to their flight. Jude found the way to security and they were about to step into the line when Connor's feet just _stopped_.

"Connor?"

"I can't go through security."

"Why?"

"People in front of me and people behind me and I … I don't know any of them and they could be anybody and they just stand so _close_ to each other."

"They're just here to get on flights, just like you. That's all. You go ahead of me, okay? You can control how close you stand to the person in front of you and you'll know that it's just me behind you. Just me."

But that was hard too, because Connor still couldn't really handle Jude behind him. He was too used to surprise, to pain. There was nothing that he could do about it, though, and he knew that it was the best option. What other option was there? He had to get on that plane. He had to go through security to get on the plane. It was going to be fine.

"It's fine, right? It's fine."

"It's completely fine. I promise. We'll be on the other side of security and bickering about plane snacks before you know it. I promise, it's fine."

"We're not going to bicker about plane snacks."

"Why? We bicker. I mean, otherwise, we're perfect, but we bicker."

Connor almost grinned, peering up at Jude's face. "I packed your work hoard in my backpack. We don't need any more plane food."

"See, it's just fine."

Jude's brown eyes were so trustworthy and so this time, Connor led the way to the back of the security line. He ended up standing behind an old woman, who was rifling through her purse, asking the woman in front of her if she was sure that they had locked the house behind them. Connor kept his distance from her; the last thing he wanted was an elbow in his ribs from the way that she was fidgeting around. He half-turned, trying to keep Jude's face in the corner of his eye while also trying to see the rest of the airport. Which was impossible. He couldn't see everything. He couldn't be aware of everything. He shuffled through security, wishing for it to go as fast as humanly possible. He couldn't handle slow. Not today. He and Jude got to follow the lady through to line four and it wasn't hard to slip off their shoes and put the backpack in a tray to walk through the security gate.

Despite the fact that Connor didn't think he took a breath until he had his shoes back on and his bag against his back again. His head was spinning. It wasn't even that _loud_ in the airport. It was early; most of the people around him were essentially asleep on their feet. But there were more people than he could possibly keep track of. There was more than he could know.

"Connor, do you want to go find our gate?"

No. He wanted to wake up in bed, next to Jude, and have it be an ordinary morning. He wanted to make breakfast and the bed and sip at his coffee with Jude's feet in his lap until Jude went to work and Connor scoured his reading app for a novel to start, now that he didn't have studying and classes to worry about. A novel with sweet words in quotes that he could write on Post-It notes to stick in Jude's lunch, the way that Jude left notes and hearts in his journal. He wanted something more than the poetry blog that he knew Jude flicked through too, just so he could write down something that Jude hadn't seen before. But he couldn't do that. Because they had to go find their gate and get on a plane and go visit his father.

"We'll get water on the way, find seats that we won't get closed in on. We'll be just fine."

"Thank you, Jude."

"It's what I'm here for."

Jude smiled at him, his smile beautiful. His smile was always beautiful and Connor was lucky. Lucky to have him.

"Okay. Gate," Connor agreed, and off they went.

They were a little early but not so early that the area was empty. There were people. A lot of people. They sat down against the wall.

"You can get a seat," Connor said. "You don't need to sit here with me like this."

"But, I want to," Jude protested. "I'm not going to leave you all alone."

Connor pulled his bag into his lap and wrapped his arms around it.

"How long until we board?"

"Less than half an hour," Jude said, and Connor could tell he was trying so hard to be upbeat. "We won't be in airports for that long. You'll feel better once you're with your dad, won't you?"

"I hope so. I mean, I'll feel bad in a different way. Is that better?"

"No."

At least Connor was able to laugh at that.

"We could dig out the candy. That might help."

"You have a sweet tooth."

"We knew that."

"You just brushed your teeth."

"You're my boyfriend, not my babysitter."

Connor found the candy in the side of the bag and pulled out the chocolate for Jude. He took one for himself and tried to concentrate on the way that the caramel inside stuck to his tongue. The alternative was to look at how the area around them was filling up.

"Want to know something?" Jude asked, and Connor was grateful for his voice.

"What?"

"I … I've never been on a plane before."

"Wha –" Connor pulled his gaze away from the gate attendants to look at Jude. "I didn't know that."

"I know, that's why I told you. It's not a big deal. I'm not scared. I think."

"I don't know if we've ever been scared together."

"We probably have, we just might not have noticed it. We'll be okay."

Connor let one hand slide from his bag and grab Jude's, hiding their hands between their hips as the first-class passengers stared to board the plane. Connor let out a shaky breath and ducked his head down. He would be okay. He squeezed Jude's hand and revised, _I'll be okay if I don't let go_. Jude grounded him. It was what he had always thought about Jude and he knew it to be true. And he clung to that and he clung to Jude's hand as it was their turn to get on. Connor led the way to their seats: all the way at the back of the plane, just in front of the lavatory. It wasn't the ideal place to be sitting but it meant that there would be nothing but a seatback behind him, instead of a bunch of heads that he couldn't possibly keep track of. Connor took the window seat while Jude sat in the centre. The seat on the aisle stayed empty but Connor wasn't sure how long that could last at all. The three seats in front of them were already filled and Connor felt the need to be silent, to compensate for the hushed noise as other passengers tried to speak with each other while not disturbing the rest of the plane. He tucked his bag down next to his feet and then he clenched Jude's hand in his own.

"I get to be the nervous one now, remember?"

Jude was joking and the humour made him smile. Connor turned his head to look at Jude and the grin only widened.

"You have chocolate on your lip again. You always manage to do that." Connor lifted his thumb and tenderly wiped it off his skin. Jude kissed the pad of his thumb. "You just want me to take care of you."

"Well, you're so good at it. I love that about you too. That it feels like you really know me."

"I think I do." Connor's breath stopped as an old woman lowered herself into the seat next to Jude. Jude wasn't her watching her as closely and was more interested in leaning over Connor to peek out the window.

"I think you definitely do." Jude stretched his hands out in front of him. "I just want to take off, you know? I'm excited for that part."

Connor opened his mouth, wanting to say that it wasn't all that exciting; Jude could probably close his eyes and imagine what it would be like. But those weren't the words that came out, because Jude was _excited_. And, Connor could admit, that he was a killjoy. Other people might find the take-off thrilling. Jude might love it. Jude might love it so much that he would let out that little laugh, almost childlike in its innocence, that sent Connor's heart fluttering because if _magic_ existed, it was in Jude's laugh.

"I won't spoil it for you," Connor said. "It'll be great."

"It's not even that long of a flight, right?"

"Right," Connor murmured. "Are you … anxious?"

"A little bit. I think I'm hungry. We should remember that for next time we fly. Jude would prefer to be fed before take-off."

"I'll make a note," Connor promised.

The pilot came on, announcing that they were about to start pushing away from the gate. Connor clenched his hand tightly around Jude's as the plane start moving. Jude leant onto his shoulders, staring out the window.

"It's so dark," Connor said.

"I know," Jude whined. "There's not much to see."

"It'll still be beautiful," Connor promised him.

Jude kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for saying that."

They started going down the runway and Connor clenched his eyes closed. Truthfully, he hated takeoff. He hated having to face that he was stuck on a plane for any amount of time; that he had no option of where to go or where to be. He had to stay in his seat, contained between the walls of the chair until the plane touched down. And then he had to sit for even longer, trying not to fidget as the plane emptied, so that he could be the very last one off, save the flight attendants, who he ran away from as fast as he could possibly manage. He felt the plane lurch.

"Oh, baby, we're up."

There it was: magic, in Jude's voice. As Jude peered for the window, Connor turned his head into Jude's shoulder.

"I wish planes actually went high enough that we flew between stars but that sounds like something that a ten-year-old would say."

"I like that you said it, anyway."

Jude's hand held tight to the front of his shirt. "Why aren't you looking?"

"Because I hate planes."

They had reached the point where the captain clicked the seatbelt sign off. Connor let out a long sigh and forced his eyes open. Jude slid the armrest between them up so that he could shimmy even closer to the window. Connor laughed quietly; flying with Jude was already better than any of the other trips he had taken.

"Oh, Connor, look at the clouds."

Jude gripped his arm, leaning heavily against him like the world's most awkward blanket. He was fascinated with the window, even when they were nearly halfway through their flight, he hadn't moved at all. Connor dug out his journal, trying to find the page that he had left off at. Instead, he came across one of Jude's written quotes, in a messy scrawl, as if he'd been in a rush when he was writing it.

 _I wasn't admiring_

 _the freckles on your skin;_

 _I was stargazing._

 _ & when I said I wanted_

 _to make love to you,_

 _I meant all of you._

 _ & when you felt my fingers_

 _tracing poetry_

 _over parts of you that_

 _were supposedly broken,_

 _know that all I saw_

 _were prisms, refracted light,_

 _ & everything I wanted_

 _to make mine – Amanda Torroni._

Connor reached down and hugged took Jude's hand, lifting it up and carefully kissing the back of his hand.

"That's really sweet."

Jude's chin pressed into his shoulder. "Oh, yeah. I wrote that one a while ago."

"Does it take me a long time to find things?"

"Sometimes. But I'm starting to crowd your pages. Between the two of us, you're going to need a new journal soon."

"That's okay. I don't mind you in my space."

"Now," Jude teased. "Remember when I met you? I'd accidentally touch your foot and you would teleport back to your dorm room."

"That's a massive exaggeration," Connor whispered, trying to keep his voice down. Their neighbour was sleeping and Connor was sure that the people in front of them were napping too. He didn't want to bother anyone.

"Not really but I fell in love with you anyway."

"That was your fault."

"No. If you weren't so lovable, I wouldn't love you. And I do."

Connor felt a blush start to rise on his cheeks. "You, um, you can't be like that when … when we're with Dad."

"You mean, just when he's in front of us or at all on the trip?"

"Just in front of him."

"Deal."

Connor flipped back a few pages in his journal, finding the spot where he left off. While he tried to gather thoughts within his tired mind, Jude lifted his left arm and snuggled against his side, picking idly at the sides of Connor's jeans. His hand wandered up and down, poking at the top of Connor's thigh. Once, his hand journeyed up too far and Connor poked the top of his hand with his pen. It was natural, casual. Like a thing that occurred in relationships, between two people that were comfortable. He didn't have to stop and worry about whether or not he had hurt Jude or whether or not Jude would be angry. He _knew_ he hadn't hurt Jude; he _knew_ Jude wasn't angry. And Jude laughed quietly, throwing his arms back around Connor, vainly attempting to do it again.

"Stop it," Connor murmured.

"Mile high club?"

"Jude!" Connor anxiously glanced over at their far neighbour, still snoring on her neck pillow.

"What? We're almost done with the flight but we've still got some time."

"Mind out of gutter," Connor instructed, reaching up with his hand and stroking Jude's hair. "We're … not there. You know we're not there."

"I know. But, I thought I could try and tempt you anyway."

"You do." Connor kissed Jude's forehead. "But we're not there."

"I'll get you on the flight back."

"We'll see."

"I'll take it."

Connor closed his journal and put up his tray, dislodging Jude so that he could repack his bag. The seatbelt light came on and they were about to descend. He didn't want to descend. The armrest between them slid back down but Connor held onto Jude's hand for all it was worth. It was lighter now and Jude was practically sitting on Connor's lap, as far as his seatbelt would allow.

"Baby, it's beautiful. How can you keep your eyes closed?"

"I hate this part."

"You hate every part."

He was right, of course. Connor felt the lurch of the plane really going down and he sucked in a breath until he felt the wheels touch down. He was home but there was no sense of relief in that thought and there was no connection. The world would be familiar, but it wasn't _home_. He felt a certain restlessness come over the other passengers as the plane inched toward the gate. Connor just tried to pry his eyes open.

"Can we go home now?" he asked of Jude.

"It's going to be a good visit!" Jude said optimistically. "You'll see."

Connor wished he trusted Jude _that_ much. He held tightly to Jude until the plane had mostly emptied out and then he let Jude lead the way off the plane.

"Are we allowed to hold hands in front of your dad?" Jude asked, swinging their joined hands between them. "Or does that count as PDA?"

"You'll hold my hand in front of your moms."

"And put my arm around you. And I'd kiss you a little, little bit."

"I think that anything we would do in front of your moms would be okay to do in front of my dad," Connor said. "I wouldn't say my dad is more of a prude that Stef and Lena, so, I think it's okay."

"But I'm not allowed to flirt with you?"

"No. It makes me too flustered. Makes me want to kiss you in a way I shouldn't."

"Oh, you should do whatever you want to me whenever you want me."

"See, that's what I'm talking about." Connor tapped his thumb against Jude's wrist. "Come on, Dad said he'd be waiting by baggage claim."

"And then breakfast, please."

"As soon as possible," Connor promised him. If he survived the crowd in the airport. Baggage claim was a mess and he wondered how he was supposed to find Adam in a mess like this.

"Oh, I see him! This way, baby."

Connor hung onto Jude's one hand with both of his own, letting Jude take him through the crowds of people to where Adam was standing. His father smiled and Connor made himself smile back. He had to act like this vacation was going to be wonderful. It was going to be great. If he acted like it was going to be terrible, he knew that it would become so. It was going to be bad enough and Connor wasn't about to tempt fate.

"Hey, how was the flight?" Adam asked.

"It was good. No turbulence. Easy," Connor said.

"Good, good. How are you, Jude?"

"Great, thanks. You?"

"Great. Um, what colour are your bags?"

"We're sharing a big red one," Connor said. "Hopefully, it will be here soon."

"Feeling overwhelmed?" Jude asked, low enough that Adam didn't even turn his head.

Connor could only nod and Jude squeezed him gently. "We'll be out of here soon."

Connor tried to believe it, but it was still a while of standing, feeling claustrophobic and sweaty, until Jude spotted their bag coming down the line. Connor actually felt full relief.

"So," Adam said, dragging the bag off the line for the two of them, "Would you like to go out for breakfast and then go home or would you like to get settled at home and then get something to eat?"

"Let's go eat first," Connor said. "Once I get in the house, I don't know if you'll be able to get me back out."

"Today," Jude said. "But we were up early this morning. Maybe you should nap before we try to do anything later."

"That sounds like a great idea!" Adam said. "I couldn't take your entire visit off from work, because of the New York trip."

"That's okay, Dad." Connor watched Adam roll the suitcase along behind him. He should take it from his father.

"So, I have to go into the office today. I thought that there wasn't anything you'd want to do today, maybe even tomorrow, but then for a couple of days after that, I'll be off for us to do things together. Is that all right?"

"I think it worked out great, honestly," Connor admitted. "You're right. Today and tomorrow, I just want slow."

"After breakfast," Jude said.

"Yes, of course."

"Are you hungry?" Adam asked.

"Oh, a little. We didn't get the chance to eat before we got on the plane, so, I'm looking forward to breakfast."

Adam stopped next to a small dark car and opened the trunk. "Anywhere in particular you'd like to go, Connor?"

"No, um, wherever you want to go is fine."

"We'll go to the pancake place close to the house. No point in going out of the way."

The trunk slammed and Connor skittered to the passenger door, relaxing into the seat of the car. It was getting older now but the only memories Connor had of it were from the time after his ex. It had been a shock that the old red car was gone now, replacing by something smaller and faster and blue. It was a car that he had never seen or that his mother had never seen. The world had been different the last time that he had been here and now, coming back again, the world was changed again, because of the brunet boy sitting the backseat, avidly looking out the window like Connor didn't live in a place that looked like every other place. Connor snaked his arm backward, on the side with the door so Adam didn't notice, and brushed his fingers along Jude's knee until Jude held his hand again.

Now, there was breakfast. Connor could survive breakfast.

(-.-)

Jude could admit that it wasn't the type of house that he had pictured Connor growing up in. He had pictured something stereotypical – one level, idyllic, small. Something like a cottage, from the way that Connor had described his mother. It was larger than Jude thought. It was two stories, painted white with boxes for flower beds, even though there were no flowers in them. Adam stopped in the driveway.

"For the next days I have to work, I'll get a ride with someone else so that you can really show Jude around."

"Thank you, Dad, you didn't have to do that."

"It's all right. As long as Jude is careful with the car."

"I will be. Thank you for trusting me."

Adam took a key off his key ring and handed it to Connor before popping the trunk. Jude slid out of the car and quickly went around to grab the suitcase while Connor said goodbye to Adam.

"I love you," Adam called out the window.

"You too, Dad. Bye."

Connor waved and adjusted the backpack over his shoulder, squaring his shoulders as he looked at the house.

"Are you going to let me in, baby?"

"Oh, yes, of course."

Jude carefully maneuvered the suitcase to the door, which Connor held open for him, letting him into a bright space. It was sparse – not a lot of decorations were on the walls and there wasn't much to look at.

"Grand tour and then a nap?" Connor suggested.

"Sure. I'm curious about your room."

Connor laughed a little. "Um, leave the bag there for now. I don't think we need anything out of it, right?"

Jude shrugged. Connor let his backpack lean against the suitcase and then he took Jude's hand. "So, living room."

Jude trailed behind him through the rooms. They all looked the same: not a lot of photos or decorations, just furniture and surprisingly bright paint on the walls. The furniture was all homey: big and wooden, overstuffed and comfortable looking. The only room Connor didn't take him through downstairs was the small room that served as Adam's office. Connor skipped the stairs down to the basement and instead led Jude upwards.

"Um, Dad's room, bathroom, and my room."

Connor opened the door and Jude walked in. It looked like stepping into the room of a young teenager, from the books to the fading sports posters to the actual sports memorabilia. There were actually a large number of sports trophies decorating the windowsill, which the single bed was stretched out under.

"It's not much of a room," Connor admitted.

"I think it's great." Jude turned his back on the room to face Connor, dipping his head and pressing a kiss to Connor's forehead. "Is it so bad being here?"

"No, but it's just over an hour since we landed. Lots of time left for things to go wrong."

Jude kissed the edge of Connor's jaw. "Are we napping in your room?"

"Oh, no. Um, it's a single bed, anyway. We don't want that. It's one of the reasons you've never stayed in my dorm."

"You're just protective over your space," Jude accused, kissing Connor on the other side of his jaw.

"I've been good about it," Connor insisted. "The apartment …"

"Is my space and I think that helps you share."

"All yours?"

"No, not all mine. Would it scare you to say 'ours'?"

"Yes. Come on. I'll show you the basement."

"Oh, really?"

"Mhm. It's finished. It's the most comfortable room, I'd say because it's just family and close friends allowed down there."

"Close friends," Jude repeated.

"You know what I meant."

Jude went to go kiss Connor's lips but Connor was pulling him back down the stairs. They rounded into the basement, which had green carpet on the floor. Down here, it felt like a home. The couch looked nice, but sat in. There was a large TV on the back wall and there were photos. Lots of photos, mostly of Connor, under the age of ten. That was exactly what Jude had been wanting. He reached for the nearest picture, which was Connor grinning wildly at about five years old, dressed in pyjamas and holding up a baseball glove.

"Christmas, the year I started playing."

"You're adorable."

"It feels like it was someone else."

Connor pulled the frame from Jude's hands and put it back on the shelf. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor.

"You going to be less grumpy after a nap?"

"Maybe. I really want to nap."

"Then nap we will."

Connor sat heavily down on the couch. Jude sank in next to him and he exhaled.

"This is so comfy. Think your dad would send it to me?"

Connor laughed. "You don't want it. It's old."

Jude stretched out, flattening his back against the cushions. It was larger than his couch at home, giving far more room for Connor to slid in along the inside of the couch. He curled Jude's arm around his waist, laying his head on Jude's chest. Jude reached one hand out and grabbed the T.V. remote from the coffee table; the other hand, he slid under the hem of Connor's shirt, resting along the scarred mess of his ribs.

"What do you want to watch, baby?"

"Something normal," Connor said. "Or, um, whatever you want. I want to go to sleep."

"But I was the one who was so hard to wake up this morning," Jude teased.

"Being anxious is exhausting and I've been anxious for hours."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head. "You comfortable?"

"Mmm."

Connor grabbed a green, fringed blanket off the back of the couch and haphazardly draped it across them. His arm flopped across Jude's stomach and Jude thought he might have been mostly asleep by the time that Jude got the TV on, let alone found something that he could watch and that wouldn't bother Connor. He felt tired but he didn't feel tired enough to sleep. He just looked down at Connor, relaxed and sweet, his hand curled around the hem of Jude's shirt. Jude rested his head against the top of Connor's, the silk of his hair tickling Jude's cheek. Jude wanted to lift his hand, run his fingers through the strands of Connor's hair and have Connor just completely fall into him. Connor sighed in his sleep, his head fall away from Jude's to lay lower on his chest. Connor stretched out, his leg sliding over Jude's, as if Jude were one of the large pillows that he liked to cuddle when he had to go to bed alone. Jude just stared down at him – at the way his cheek was mashed against Jude, so that his pink lips were partially pouted out; and the way that his eyelashes were stark black, particularly against his pale skin.

And Jude was just so in love with him.

He was glad that Connor knew that. More than that, he was glad that Connor _liked_ it now, rather than running away from it. And he wondered, as he often did, what Connor felt for him. If it was close to love, if it could be comparable to what Jude felt for him. He knew Connor liked him but he wondered just how Connor felt, compared to how Connor felt for his ex-boyfriend. Jude didn't _like_ to think about it, would really rather not worry about it all, but he knew that it would always come back to him. He was human and even though he could intellectually know things, his heart sometimes went off on its own worried tangents. Connor didn't love him; Connor wouldn't have sex with him. Connor had said he loved his ex; Connor had sex with his ex. But it wasn't the same. Jude would do anything to make sure that it wasn't the same, because Connor was safe here, safe with him. Jude would never let anything happen to him again, particularly anything like what had happened to him before. Jude loved him, more than he had ever loved anything else before. And he knew that he would never want to be without him again, not since he knew what that was like. He had known Connor for less than a year and when he looked at the man sleeping on his chest, Jude knew that Connor was _more_. He was more than just a college sweetheart, a passing attraction, or someone he could just move on from. He didn't know of he should even be thinking it at this point and he knew that he wouldn't be able to put it into words for Connor just yet, but when Jude looked at him, Jude felt like he was looking at his future.

A crash of symbols rang out over the room, born from the commercial playing in the background.

"No!"

Connor bolted upright at the sound.

"Shh, baby, it's okay." Jude held onto Connor's hips lightly. "It's me. You're safe, it's okay."

"J-Jude," Connor breathed, turning to look at him. Jude watched his eyes start to clear. "Wh-what was … What?"

"Just the TV," Jude promised. "And you might have been dreaming. You were a little twitchy, like you were dreaming."

Connor reached down and grabbed onto Jude's hands, lifting them from his body to hold them tightly. "I'm not dreaming now."

"No, I don't think so."

Connor rested back down against Jude, his head on the pillow next to him instead of on him this time. One arm was trapped under Connor again and Jude already felt the tingling in his fingers, like it was about to go to sleep. Jude just slid his hand back under Connor's shirt, back to the warmth of his body.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Maybe forty minutes. This show's not even over."

"What are we watching?"

"Worst Cooks. Audition round, my favourite."

Connor whined. "I still don't understand how you can call yourself a bad cook after watching this."

"At least they're trying to flavour things. All of my food is bland."

"Except for your sandwiches."

"Right, because I make really good sandwiches."

"You do."

"I love you, Connor."

"I know," Connor whispered. "You're my favourite person, Jude."

That was something amazing too. Connor pushed himself up on his elbow and turned Jude's head toward him. The moment of anticipation before the kiss felt almost as good as the kiss itself. Almost, but not quite.

"Making out with me on your dad's couch isn't against the rules?" Jude teased.

"Dad's not home, it doesn't count. We won't make out on the couch when he comes home for lunch."

"Well, we better make sure we get enough making out down before he comes home for lunch."

Connor pulled Jude upward.

"Can I take your shirt off, Jude?"

"You can do whatever you want to me," Jude promised.

Connor smiled, soft and sweet. He tugged Jude's shirt over his head and then he sat up, folding it and resting it on the coffee table. Jude had to laugh at him, but he loved that too. He loved the way that Connor leant back on his side and softly ran his fingers along Jude's abdomen. His eyes flickered up to Jude's and Jude watched his eyes. Connor's eyes that could look green or brown or any mix of the two and were always just so bright.

"I love your eyes, baby."

Connor's smile widened and he tapped his fingers, half-anxiously against Jude's ribs. Jude watched throat bob with a swallow. "Will you tell me the rest?"

"The … rest?"

"You love my eyes and …" Connor prompted, lowering his gaze as his cheeks went bright red.

"And everything else." Was it so wrong to hope that it meant something Connor was asking? But then, fear crept in. The last time that Connor had asked for Jude to say he loved him, Connor had left him. "Why?"

"You like to say it. I thought it would make you happy if I asked you to say it." Connor sat up fully. "And, um, it makes me happy when I hear it."

Jude felt his heart lift and he crawled into Connor's lap, wrapping his legs around Connor's waist. Connor's large hands covered his back.

"Please, don't knock me over," Connor pleaded.

"I won't," Jude said. "But, I might knock me over."

Connor cocked his head to the side, considering. "If you're okay with it. But, maybe, um, not for another minute or two."

"Why not?"

"Because I like you where you are."

"And would you like it if I kissed you?"

Connor nodded. "I think I always like that."

Jude bent his head and let his lips drift across Connor's. It was Connor that pulled him closer, his hands spreading over Jude's body, leaving heated trails that made Jude feel wanted. It made him feel like he was desirable, which was something that Jude didn't know how to feel. He didn't know what to do about it, except to tighten his legs around Connor and whimper when Connor's mouth left his lips to gently trail kisses along his neck. Connor was so gentle with him that almost all of his touches felt like he was teasing Jude, but Jude loved that too. Jude loved him so much that he loved almost everything about him. Jude shoved his fingers under the back of Connor's shirt, lifting and pulling until Connor was half-naked against him, Connor's own hands sliding further down Jude's back toward his butt. Jude lifted himself into Connor's hands, just wanting to be touched, just wanting to be _loved_ , by the man that he loved. Jude leant back, falling onto the couch cushion again, taking Connor with him. He wondered if he could tempt Connor into doing something or making the first move. Connor held himself up, hovering over Jude. The way Connor looked at him sometimes made Jude feel naked, in the best way possible, because he wanted someone who knew him so well.

"You know, I hated it when you were gone," Jude whispered.

"I hated it when I was gone too. I can't believe I could have given you up. Almost as unbelievable as the fact that you let me come back to you."

"I couldn't be anywhere else. I couldn't have you be anywhere else. We were supposed to be here."

"The fate thing again." Connor's hair fell into his eyes as he shook his head.

"Something like that."

Jude pushed himself up on his elbows in order to kiss Connor again, soft and sweet, and to run his hands along the beautifully sculpted chest that Connor had.

"Jude?"

"Mhm?" Jude asked. He loved talking to Connor but there were some moments where Jude would rather focus on other things.

"This is all for now, okay?"

"Okay. I've got you right where I want you, anyway." And then he winked at Connor, even though he wasn't really the type of boy to wink, because Connor brought out that side of him.

Connor smiled at him and slid his thumb across Jude's ribs. "You have goosebumps. Are you cold?"

"No. Just really into you."

Jude slid his hand up Connor's chest and touched the bottom of the long scar. Connor let out a shaky exhale and lowered himself over Jude, covering him like a blanket. Jude closed his eyes before Connor kissed him, finding Connor's lips without even trying. He moaned from the lightest touches, the softest contact, and he'd had a taste, before, of what it felt like when Connor let go a little. He wondered how it would feel if Connor ever let go completely. Jude hitched his leg up over Connor's hip and he managed to illicit a groan from Connor.

"You can't keep doing that," Connor said, his breath hitching.

"Why?"

"Because you drive me crazy when you do," Connor confessed. "And I don't know what to do with that feeling."

"Is it something you want to run away from?" Jude asked, biting down on his lip. Connor reached up and freed his lip from his teeth.

"You can't do that to me either. And, no. I'm through with running away from you. It doesn't do anything but hurt us."

"Oh, you just don't want me to turn you on," Jude realized.

"I don't know if you could avoid doing that."

"See, I love the sound of that."

Connor brushed his lips against Jude's. "You love everything."

"I love _you_."

Connor pressed against him, his hand sliding against Jude's back so that they were even closer together. Jude couldn't breathe with the way that they touched and when Connor kissed him again, he brought up his other leg to wrap around Connor's waist and Connor's hips grinded against his own and Jude felt as if his soul was about to leave his body. Connor's hand made it down Jude's back, fingers awkwardly making it into Jude's back pocket, massaging gently. Jude tried to control himself but he lost his grip on that too and thrust his hips back against Connor. All he felt was the heat of Connor's skin under his palms, the quickness of his breath as he turned his head and desperately pulled in air before just returning to their kiss.

When Connor's phone rang, Jude immediately became resentful. Connor pulled away from him completely, including both of the hands that had been cupped around him.

"Hi, Dad … No, no, just napping. The, uh, the ringtone, um, startled me … Fine. Yes, sure … Okay. We'll have lunch … Yes, I'm glad I'm home too … Yeah, you too … Bye, Dad." Connor put his cell phone down on the coffee table. "Dad, um, will be home for lunch in about an hour."

"So, we still have an hour?" Jude asked.

"No, I, um, I want to make, um, something nice for lunch. For my first day with him."

"All right. Let's go make something good."

Connor picked up his wrinkled shirt off the floor and passed Jude his folded one.

"I'm not sure I'll be able to get into the habit of folding when we're in the middle of making out."

"That's okay. I know it's one of my quirks."

Connor pulled his shirt over his head and Jude crept up, wrapping his arms around Connor. "I like your quirks."

Jude felt Connor relax against him and he held Connor's body to his own. For a moment, Connor let himself just fall into Jude and Jude was happy to just hold him tightly. Connor rarely let himself be the small one, even when he was letting Jude comfort him. Jude rested his head atop Connor's and closed his eyes, half-hoping that Connor would never remember that there was lunch to make. Jude just wanted to hold Connor in his arms forever.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Malibu**_ **by Miley Cyrus. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	74. War Of Hearts, Pt 2

Connor held his breath as Adam ate his last bite of potato. Dinner had been even more awkward than lunch had been, because there had been a deadline for lunch. For dinner, there was no such thing. No matter the time, though, Connor had no idea what to say to his father when Adam wasn't leading the conversation and he had no idea what to say to Jude in front of Adam, at all. He felt uneasy, unsure of how much Adam really supported he and Jude. Though he couldn't say that Adam wasn't trying. He spoke to Jude and Connor, asking questions as best as he could, but Connor had inherited his conversational abilities from his father – it seemed the only time Adam could functionally speak to someone was when he was in the office.

"That was a very good dinner, Connor. Thank you," Adam said, sounding stiff.

"Jude helped a lot," Connor said quietly.

"Thank you too, Jude."

"I'm more of a hindrance than a help, mostly," Jude said lightly. "I'm glad you liked it."

Adam nodded. "So, do you have any big plans for tomorrow?"

"Just driving. Um, unless you wanted to do something, Dad."

"Well, I was hoping Rachel could come to dinner tomorrow. It would have to be late, about nine."

"So soon?" Connor asked, feeling his stomach churn with fear. New people were terrifying; new people he was supposed to like were even worse.

"Yes. If you liked her, perhaps we could spend more time together. Our relationship is getting more serious and I do want you to get to know one another. Especially," Adam added, "as I am getting the opportunity to know Jude."

"I'll make something good for dinner, I promise."

"We can go out if you don't want to cook," Adam offered.

"No, Dad, I told you, I'd like to cook for her."

"Connor cooks better than most restaurant chefs," Jude offered and Connor blushed.

"That's not true," he mumbled.

"It is," Jude insisted.

Under the table, Connor felt Jude's foot caress his own. He felt his blush deepen and tried to avoid glancing at Adam. The sides of their feet were just rubbing together. It wasn't anything a parent could take offense to, especially when their child was an adult. Not that Connor ever felt like an adult when he was around his father.

"I, uh, should start on the dishes," Connor said.

"And, as bad as I feel about it, I need to get ahead in work if I'm going to take those days off."

Connor trapped Jude's foot between his own. He couldn't concentrate on speaking properly. How did Jude do this to him? "After I do the dishes, I think Jude and I will watch a movie downstairs. You should come down when you finish work." It shouldn't be so hard to say that to his father.

"I would love to. I hope I finish up quickly."

Adam left awkwardly and Connor could have breathed a sigh of relief. He was too tense around his father, as if he were waiting for a bomb to drop. But there was no bomb. Not from Adam, anyway, and Connor knew that. His father wouldn't be the problem this trip. _If_ there was even a problem. And he had to believe there wouldn't be. It was why he had allowed himself to go back to Jude in the first place. Because the greatest danger to him was a two-hour drive from his father's house and believed he was living in New York. They would all be fine.

"Baby, want to start the dishes?"

"Oh, you don't have to help. You're on vacation."

" _We_ are on a vacation," Jude corrected. "And, I'm kind of excited to get back to that couch."

"Jude!" Connor exclaimed, despite his best efforts to keep his voice hushed. "Dad's home!"

Jude raised his eyebrows and then laughed as Connor anxiously looked over his shoulder. "I just meant that the couch is very comfortable."

Connor gathered the dishes together. "Jude, don't pretend that I don't know you."

"All right." Connor went to stand up from the table but the way Jude was looking at him trapped him in place. Jude lowered his voice murmuring, "I really just want to make out with you."

Connor's cheeks flamed as he thought of his father's proximity. He quickly picked up his dirty dishes and fled to the sink. Jude followed at a slower pace, cleaning the table and then picking up the drying towel, letting Connor direct him to where the dishes went back to.

"You know, when I was little, Mom would wash and I would dry. I was a little clumsy and not good at drying. I dropped a lot of plates. Mom found it funny; Dad was kind of grumpy and said we should start eating off paper."

"That's cute," Jude said. "Though I don't know if I'd call you clumsy."

Connor's brain stalled. He hadn't thought about where the story would lead, but he should have, since it always went to the same place. He glanced at Jude, who was drying two forks at once.

"I guess it would be easier to tell you I grew out of it."

"You can tell me whatever you want."

"You know the truth."

"Yeah."

What else was there to say? Connor finished with the salad bowl and then began to drain the water. He watched the last few suds disappear and then quickly washed the sink. When he looked up, Jude was already finished and was waiting for him near the basement steps. Connor reached for Jude's hand, hanging on as they descended downstairs. They hunted for a comedy that was playing and settled on the first one they found. Connor hesitated when Jude lifted up his arm to cuddle, thinking about what it would be like if Adam walked downstairs and saw them. Connor hated himself for the thought. He wasn't doing anything wrong; it was less subtle than foot touching but equally as scandalous. And, Connor _liked_ touching Jude. It wasn't something that he had just leant to accept but barely tolerated. Connor liked it, after thinking he would never be able to even sit next to someone properly again. He had Jude now and Connor wasn't about to pretend that wasn't a miracle.

He shrugged his shoulder, nudging Jude until Jude looked up at him, and then Connor kissed him. Jude relaxed against him, letting out his happy little hum that lifted Jude's heart.

"I love you."

"You're my favourite person." Connor wished he had more to offer; it didn't seem like enough to give Jude, even though Jude wasn't looking to take more. Jude seemed more than content, smiling as he put his head back on Connor's shoulder and slid his arm around Connor's waist.

Connor rested his head atop Jude's and tried to focus on the movie, but he heard Adam's footsteps on the floor above and his heart clenched. Even if Adam came downstairs, Connor wasn't going to move. But, it was twenty anticipation filled minutes until Adam appeared.

"Still watching the movie?"

"Just over halfway through," Jude said. "It's really funny."

"Then, I think I'll finish it with you."

"Of course, Dad."

Adam carefully lowered himself into the armchair that was furthest away from where Jude and Connor were sitting. Connor tried not to read too much into it, though ignoring something like that wasn't exactly in his nature. He wrapped his fingers around Jude's bicep, squeezing lightly. Jude squeezed Connor's side back in response. Connor glanced at Adam, to see if there was anything on his face to suggest that he was uncomfortable, if he was still trying to get used to the idea that Connor was with Jude, but Adam wasn't looking at them. Connor made himself look back at the TV too, trying to keep his breathing steady and trying not to twitch. But even when Jude and Adam let out small chuckles over what was happening on screen, Connor couldn't figure out how to breathe properly.

The credits started to roll and Connor's gaze immediately flicked back to Adam. It was late and he knew what Adam was going to say.

"I think it's time to head to bed," Adam mused. "Jude, I made the couch upstairs into a bed for you."

Connor froze. He hadn't really thought about where Jude would be sleeping. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he hadn't really considered that he and Jude would be sleeping apart. Jude was always next to him at night. Even when he came home late from work or had to leave early for work, he always had Jude with him at some point during the night. Even if Jude's coming and going didn't wake him, Connor still could tell when Jude was with him. He felt better. Of course, that wasn't going to happen in Adam's house, but Connor didn't think that it was because he was gay. Not this time, at least. He didn't think Adam would let he and a girlfriend stay in his room alone together.

"Oh, thank you," Jude said, and Connor could detect the note of disappointment in his voice, even if he didn't think Adam couldn't.

"No rush for you to go to bed, though," Adam said. "You don't have work in the morning."

"We won't be too much later," Connor said. "And I won't wake you, Dad, I promise."

"Okay. Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning."

"See you in the morning," Jude said.

"I love you, Connor," Adam added.

"You too, Dad."

Jude picked up the remote while Connor listened to his father's footsteps ascend the stairs, patiently counting until he was sure that his father was up the stairs. Then, he curled into Jude, exhaling heavily and pulling Jude's legs into his lap and hiding in Jude's shoulder.

"Day one wasn't so bad," Jude mused. "Was it?"

"No. I just … I just …" He didn't have words. He didn't have anything but exhaustion. Being on edge did that to a person.

Jude kissed him in rapid pecks along his face and cheeks. "You're okay, baby, I promise."

Connor tilted his face up and caught Jude's lips in his. Connor wanted to push him back, for the second time today, and kiss him like crazy on the couch, but Connor knew that he couldn't. He couldn't kiss Jude as he wanted to while his father was in the house, because part of him would be thinking about that, and that wasn't what Connor wanted. He let his lips leave Jude's.

"Um, we should go to sleep, too. You know me, I'll wake us up early."

"Do I really have to sleep on the couch?"

"I wish you didn't. But, um, Dad's house."

"I hope you'll have a good wake up for me in the morning."

"We'll see," Connor said, and he kissed Jude again. "Time for bed."

Jude groaned and flicked the TV off. Connor knew exactly how he felt. Connor didn't really want to go to bed either, but there wasn't anything else to do. He and Jude snuck around to get their pyjamas on and exchange one more kiss before Jude was left on the couch and Connor tucked himself into his small, childhood bed. Connor turned out the light and sighed, placing his head on the flat pillow. He should feel something here. He should get nostalgic, about the little boy who grew up here. He should get angry, about the teenager that didn't get a chance to be one. But he didn't feel anything but uncomfortable.

Connor rolled over, feeling both too big for the bed and too small for it. He wondered if Jude felt the same way down on the couch. Connor huffed; it was awful to be tired but also too uncomfortable. Connor glanced at his phone. Ten minutes, but it had been ten minutes that felt like an hour. Connor bit his lip, trying to sort through his thoughts. He was an adult, in a committed relationship, and he wanted to fall asleep next to his boyfriend.

He just had to get to said boyfriend.

Connor imagined that this was how a teenager felt when attempting to sneak out. Not that he would know what it really felt like. Connor slowly descended down the stairs, cringing at every little noise that his feet made. He kept glancing over his shoulder, as if someone would appear and order him back to bed. But Adam was soundly sleeping and Connor made it into the living room. He wondered if Jude were asleep already – he hadn't considered that. He had been selfish and he shouldn't have come downstairs at all. He went to turn back upstairs.

"Baby?"

"Jude, I, um, I just … I don't want to … Will you come upstairs with me?"

In the semi-darkness, Connor saw Jude sit up. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please." Jude grabbed Connor's hand and Connor helped him stand. "But we have to be quiet."

"As a mouse," Jude swore.

Connor held his hand and they padded slowly up the stairs. Effortlessly, Connor navigated into the bedroom, closing the door just to and then he led Jude to bed, sitting first so that he could be against the wall.

"Baby," Jude whispered as he sat. "Did you bring Ampelos?"

"Yeah. I, um, didn't like the thought of him being left home alone."

Jude chuckled as he laid down, fluffing out a pillow and resting his head on Connor's arm. Connor spooned Jude to him, closing his eyes and hiding his head down against Jude's back. It was his favourite way to sleep, and he was so glad that he had made the decision to go and get Jude. Now, he could fall asleep happy.

(-.-)

Screaming. Someone was screaming. Jude's sleepy mind sluggishly grasped that and then he bolted awake when he realized it was Connor.

"Baby, baby, baby," Jude chanted, reaching for the lamp before he realized that they weren't at home and he didn't know where the lamp was. Light. Connor needed light. Was Connor even awake? "Connor, baby."

Connor's hand seized on him, purposefully.

"Connor, it's Jude. Is –"

The overhead light burst on and the door hit the wall as Adam appeared. With a tortured scream of 'No!' Connor dove beneath the sheets.

"Please, please," Jude heard him beg, muffled and sad. "He's here, don't let him get me."

"Connor, what do you need?" Adam demanded, roughly, and Jude felt Connor curl against him.

"Baby, see, peek your head up, it's just me and your dad," Jude murmured. "And the lights are on and there's nothing scary. He's not here. And your dad," Jude said, looking up at Adam, to make sure the man knew he was serious, "is going to go take a walk of the house to prove it. He's going to double check the doors and look in the all the corners and you're going to believe him when he says that the house is empty, because he's your dad, and your dad won't lie to you, right?"

Under the blanket, Connor's head moved. Jude thought it was a nod. Jude looked back up at Adam and gestured him out of the room. Jude mouthed, "Go" and then Adam left the room.

"Talk to me, baby," Jude said, slipping his hand underneath the blanket to rub Connor's back. "It's just you and me. Talk to me."

"I … No. He … I won't …"

"Deep breath. Take your time."

"I dreamt he was here. I won't let him hurt you, Jude, I won't."

"Shh. He's not here and your dad's going to come back and tell us that. There's no one here. We're safe and sound and you were just dreaming, okay? You are _safe_."

Connor's hand grabbed so tightly onto his that it hurt. It was hard, sometimes, to remember just how strong Connor was when he was so gentle all the time. But Jude just let him hang on. That was what he could do for Connor, since it was one of those things where he would just need a little bit of time. Jude focused on rhythmically rubbing circles on Connor's back, humming the bits of songs that he could remember comforting Connor. By the time Jude heard Adam's footsteps on the stairs, Connor's sobs had faded to whimpers and he was taking longer breaths.

"Uh, nothing in the house has been disturbed," Adam said. "I brought up water. I didn't know what else to do."

"We need a light on," Jude said. "Something small."

Adam put two glasses of water down on Connor's empty bedside table and then went to the closet, turning on the light and keeping the door cocked just to so that there was light in the room. Jude bent back down over Connor, whispering through the blanket, "Did you hear that? The house is safe. You know what it was?"

"A bad dream," Connor said, his voice muffled.

"Right. That's all. Want to come out of the blanket, lay down like before?" Jude was painfully aware that Adam was still hovering in the doorway, but he couldn't let that affect him. Connor would be able to tell.

"No." Connor grasped feebly at the front of Jude's shirt, pulling at him.

Jude looked over at Adam. "Um, we're fine. He's … fine. We'll see you in the morning, okay?"

Adam nodded, and Jude thought he saw pain flicker across Adam's face at the thought, but Jude wasn't sure. "Wake me if you need anything."

Jude thought that he looked relieved to be able to leave and he couldn't helpful the spiteful flair of negative feelings as the door drifted shut behind Adam, but that couldn't matter. Connor was tugging at him again and Jude slipped under the blankets, overly hot from their body heat. He took it, though, like he did every time, and laid nose to nose with Connor.

"Promise there's nothing out there?"

"I promise." Jude kissed Connor's forehead, letting his lips linger. "You trust me, don't you?"

"Yes." Connor's eyes fluttered.

"Are you tired?"

Connor nodded. "I haven't … Um. It wasn't … restful."

Jude kissed his forehead again. "I'm right here and you can sleep, okay? I'll protect you."

"N-no," Connor choked out. "I'm supposed to protect you."

"We protect _each other_ ," Jude said. "Right now, it's my turn. You go back to sleep. I've got you."

"You won't go anywhere?"

"Nope, never. You're stuck with me."

"Good. I want to be," Connor whispered, his words already slurring with sleep.

Jude slowly drew the blanket down so that they could breathe. Connor hiccoughed and clung to Jude even more tightly. Jude only let himself nap lightly. Even though Connor was deeply asleep, Jude just wanted to make sure that if Connor stirred than he would be awake and be there for him. When his eyes fluttered open, the next time, the sky was lightening. Jude had the strange feeling that there were eyes on him. He turned his to see Adam, ready for work, watching from the doorway.

"Is he okay?" Adam whispered, and Connor shifted uncomfortably.

Jude took a deep breath and slowly untangled Connor's arms from his. He slid from the bed and gestured Adam out of the room, looking back every step of the way to make sure that Connor was still sleeping, settling into the warm spot that Jude had left behind. Jude shut the door as quietly as possible and then lingered in the hall, trying to figure out how to look his boyfriend's father in the eye.

"How is he?"

"Fine. Hard nights always pass. He'll be better when he wakes up. That's how it works but, of course, you know that. He lived here with you for months."

"I was never able to help him," Adam admitted, though Jude couldn't help but think that Adam was supposed to, because that was what fathers did for sons. "Jude, you don't like me very much, do you?"

The question caught Jude off guard. "I like you fine."

"I can see it on your face."

"I guess, I like you as my boyfriend's father but, also, I guess, I don't understand you as a person."

"Can I help with that?"

Jude looked over his shoulder at the white door and then frantically whispered, "He was a child. He was a _fifteen-year-old child_. And you didn't go after him. You were his father and you were supposed to _save_ him and you just threw him to the wolf. I guess I just never really thought about it until we were standing here and I hope you don't hate me for being honest with you."

"I don't. I appreciate the honesty and so, I will be honest with you now." Adam looked down at the floor. "From the moment he was born, I loved him, more than any father has ever loved their son. He was my pride and joy. Did he tell you about his mother, about what I told him over Christmas?"

Jude nodded stiffly.

"I would like to tell you that if she hadn't tried to leave me for a woman before Connor came out, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. But I probably would have. Did he ever tell you that he actually ran away with that man _twice_?"

"What? No. Just … once."

"No. _Twice_. The first time, I did go after him. I hunted him down and dragged him back and it was hell. He was the child from hell. And, in that moment, I didn't love him. I didn't love him at all. I hated him for putting me in this position. I hated him for being gay. I hated him for leaving. I hated him for looking more like his mother than he did me. He hated me back. You'd never believe it, knowing him now, but he was a monster. I couldn't live with him. He couldn't live with me. And when I came home one day and he was gone again, I let him go. I was _relieved_. And they were living in the same house I was took him back from before. I could have gone to get him any time that I wanted but I didn't want to. Then, I did some soul searching. After years. And years. And years. It was too late by then, but I went anyway. I went and I was the reason that my son was almost murdered. And that's why I can barely look at you with him, Jude, because the last man I left with him attempted to _murder_ him, and I don't know if I can trust you with him."

"I don't know if I can trust you with him," Jude repeated.

Feeling shaky, he left Adam standing in the hall and crept back into Connor's room. His boyfriend hadn't stirred at all and Jude was able to sink back into the spot that he had just vacated. He turned on his side, his back to Connor. In his sleep, Connor reached out and spooned Jude to him again. A smile playing on the edge of his lips, Jude sank into the slightly stiff mattress and just loved it as Connor held him tightly, keeping Jude close. Jude wished that he could go back to sleep but, instead, he was awake, listening as Adam left the house. He hoped that Adam didn't hate him too much – or that Connor didn't, once Jude talked to him about the morning – but Jude couldn't quite bring himself to regret it. He watched the room grow lighter and he hoped that Connor woke soon.

Connor's head tucked down, his face by Jude's shoulder blade. Jude felt his smile start to grow as Connor's arms tightened around him even further and Connor intentionally nuzzled his face against Jude's back.

"Morning," Jude whispered.

"Like you haven't been up for hours," Connor murmured.

"How did you know?"

"You feel tense. You didn't just wake up."

"You're right."

Connor's arms slid under Jude's shirt, against his bare skin.

"Baby, wait. I, um … your dad."

"I thought it was later."

"No. Just …" It was easier to recount the morning when he was looking at the white door instead of at his boyfriend. The more that he spoke, the tighter Connor's hug became. "What do you think? Of what I said?"

"I trust you. Your feelings are your feelings. You can say them."

"And the rest?"

"I ran away twice. Dad was right. There's nothing I can add to that. I thought I loved him."

"Do you still think that?"

"It wasn't a good love, but I think it was some form. There's better out there. And he didn't love me. I just loved him." Connor sighed. "But it's not about him. It's not about him at all anymore. It's just … you. I talk about him less, not because I don't want you to know, but because that's how often he crosses my mind now. My mind is just filled with you. You're the good kind of consuming. I smile when I think of you; I don't get worried about what you're going to do when you see me. You love me and, um, from you, I think that's worth something."

"It is. It is. I love you. I love you so much. It's worth everything."

Jude gasped as Connor's lips pressed against the back of his neck and Connor's arms slipped under his shirt again, spreading out to cover as much as Jude's chest as possible.

"You're my favourite person in the world."

Jude turned in Connor's embrace and pulled him into a messy kiss. His lips dragged across Connor's and Connor just kept touching him under his shirt. It was slow, deliberate, unlike the way that Jude was trying to kiss him and he wished that his boyfriend wasn't so careful. He understood it; the more he learnt about Connor the more he understood it. It didn't mean he always had to like it. And then, somehow, Connor had his shirt off and was kissing his neck. Jude moaned softly as Connor settled the length of his body between Jude's legs.

"Um," Connor said, lifting his head. "You did hear my dad leave for work, right?"

"Right."

"Okay."

Connor's hips rocked into his and Jude shimmied Connor's shirt off, his hands getting just tantalizing close to the long hair that Jude so badly wanted to run his fingers through. But then, Connor's hands were underneath of him, hot and warm but deliberately not touching him in a way to turn him on, but Connor was turning him on anyway. One of Connor's hands drifted across the front of Jude's pyjama pants and Jude couldn't help but jerk his hips upward, hoping for more.

"May I?"

"Whatever you want," Jude panted. "I'm … I'm ready for whatever you want. But I really want to get you off this time, too."

"You first. It has to be you first."

"You can get naked with me."

"You first," Connor repeated, lifting his head from Jude's chest and pinning him in place with those hypnotizing eyes.

"Because it _has_ to be?" Jude stressed. He didn't want that to be some holdover from his ex.

"Yes be-be-because if, um, you don't, I'll just spend all my time, um, thinking about when you do. I w-w-want us both, um, to like it. B-b-but, I know I might get scared. So, I want to do what I can, for you. Before I get scared."

"Are you scared now?"

"No. But it's either there or it's not. And while it's not here, I'd rather focus on you."

Jude didn't know Connor's voice could get that alluring and he wondered if Connor was doing it on purpose or if Jude was just that in love with him. Connor's hands hooked around his pants.

"Jude, you, um, you have to say yes."

"Yes," Jude said. "And I was serious about you being naked with me. Do you say yes to that?"

Connor nodded. "Yeah. Um, I … I'd like you to do it."

Jude grinned. Connor helped him wriggle out of his pyjama pants and then Jude went after Connor's grey sweatpants. Connor's breath hitched and Jude watched his muscles tense. Jude couldn't help but press his mouth to Connor's abs, letting his tongue slide upward until he hit the raised scar tissue along the top of Connor's chest. Connor's hand cradled the back of his head and tilted his head back so that he could kiss Jude, rolling Jude back underneath of him. Jude could feel Connor's hardness against the inside of his thigh and he wanted to reach down and touch Connor, pull Connor to him and let them go further than he ever had before. Connor's fingers splayed against the outside of Jude's thigh, moving slowly toward the inside of Jude's thigh. Connor's other hand reached up, wrapping around Jude's, just as Jude knew it would. Connor pushed Jude's hand back against the pillow as he held himself up, his other hand finally gripping onto Jude.

"Connor," Jude breathed.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just love your name."

Connor laughed at him, but Jude noticed that he was breathless too. Connor's lips drifted across Jude's, his hand moving rhythmically. Jude rocked his hips up.

"You're … I might …"

"We could … try showering together. After …"

"Y-yeah. That. I want to do that." Jude squeezed Connor's hand. "Faster, baby, please. More. Kiss me."

Jude could see that Connor was on the verge of calling him bossy, but then Connor kissed him. Jude felt Connor's tongue touch his bottom lip and Jude's free hand flew to the small of Connor's back, pulling Connor's body into him. Jude felt his muscles tighten and he stopped being able to think about anything other than the fact that Connor was kissing him. Then, his body let go. He felt himself come over Connor's hand, closing his eyes and gasping. Connor peppered a few brief kisses along Jude's neck.

"Remind me to put the sheets in the wash before we leave the house."'

Jude laughed. "Your turn now?"

"Um. Okay. I want to try. Just … hand."

"Just hands," Jude promised. "Nothing scary and definitely no surprises."

Connor rolled onto his back and Jude pushed himself up on his side, his elbow underneath him. His hand latched onto Connor's. Jude let his other hand caress along Connor's body, letting his boyfriend get used to the feel of his hand. He watched Connor's face carefully, noting the places on his arms where a slight frown developed between his eyes and then the places on his legs were his eyelashes fluttered. Jude kissed the top of Connor's shoulders as he touched the skin on the inside of his thighs. Jude gently touched his thumb to Connor's sensitive skin before palming his shaft. Connor's eyes closed tightly and he took in a long, ragged breath. Jude just watched him, feeling overly satisfied when Connor panted and clenched onto his hand.

"Okay?" Jude asked.

"Better than," Connor said. "Kiss me?"

Jude flung his leg over Connor's and leant over him, kissing him. He felt every move of Connor's body as they wrapped around one another.

"Softer," Connor whimpered. "Soft."

Jude loosened his grip slightly, moving slowly, trying to get his fingers in the best way for Connor to enjoy it. And then, he found it. Connor's eyes closed and he fell against the mattress. Jude kissed along the top of Connor's chest and tried not to do anything scary. He tried to keep himself the same, knowing that this was what Connor needed and Jude could give him what he needed.

"Jude," he breathed.

"Come on, baby, we need another reason to wash the sheets."

Connor laughed and Jude felt Connor twitch in his hand. Jude was ready for when Connor came, mostly over his own stomach, but also on Jude's hand. As Connor softened, Jude let go, resting his head down against Connor's chest and listening to his heart thump wildly.

"Thoughts?" Jude asked.

"I-I … It didn't hurt." Connor turned his head and Jude looked into his face. The relief on Connor's face could have left him entirely breathless, but there were tears building in the corners of his eyes. "I thought … I thought it was always going … It didn't hurt. And y-y-you listened to me."

"Don't cry, baby. This is how it's supposed to be, you know?"

"I didn't know," Connor confessed. "I really didn't know."

Somehow, they became wrapped around one another and Connor hid his head against Jude's chest to cry. Jude wished that he could think about how Connor felt, naked and this close to him, but he couldn't do that, and that was hard. Instead of savouring the moment, instead of immediately tripping over one another to get to the shower, Jude had to just let him cry. Jude kissed Connor's temple, hoping that the crying would one day stop. He hated that it was still Connor's life and that Connor's ex was still in their life.

"Baby, it's okay. It's okay to not know. I don't know anything either, but, that's what we're together for. To find out together."

"I like together with you," Connor whispered,

"Want to try being in the shower with me?" Jude asked.

"Um, okay," Connor agreed. "The, uh, shower here is … bigger. Um, better water."

"So, we won't have to take turns being cold this time?"

Connor peeked up at him, smiling even as the tears began to dry. "No, I don't think so."

"Well, then, I'm excited. Come on. Let's shower."

Jude sat up quickly but Connor followed him more slowly.

"Is it weird that I kind of feel embarrassed about walking to the bathroom naked?"

"It's, like, right across the hall. Don't you dare put pants back on."

Connor cocked his head to the side, glancing quickly up at Jude's face and then back down. "But, um, if I w-w-wanted to …"

"You could. But it's three steps and I'm really hoping you don't because I love you in pants and I really love you out of pants."

"You'd say it anyway."

"That I loved you? Of course."

Connor smiled at him and then nudged him off the bed. Jude could have skipped to the bathroom, knowing that Connor was right behind him. He quickly turned the water on.

"How warm?" Jude asked.

"Warm," Connor answered.

Jude turned the water on. "Oh! There's two showerheads!"

"Dad did some renovations after I … left. So, coming back, it was like walking into a whole new house. Mostly."

"That's good or bad?"

"Both. It was easier, in some ways, harder, in other ways. Are you … getting in or are we just going to stand here until Dad comes home?"

Jude stepped into the warm water and Connor was right behind him. No hesitating or anything, Connor was right there with him, the water lengthening his hair to hide his eyes. Connor shoved it back as best as he was able, clearing his face and then he bit down on his lip.

"Jude, do you think other things might not be as scary?"

"Other things like what?" Jude asked. "Also, where's the shampoo?"

Connor pointed behind him, to a shower rack hanging off the second showerhead. Jude turned and reached for it, feeling Connor's hands touch his waist.

"Not, like, right now, but, other things."

 _Oh_. Jude took a careful step backward, into Connor's embrace. Jude felt Connor, hard again, close to the inside of his thigh. Jude took a deep breath, clenching his hands around the shampoo bottle, trying to keep himself under control when all he wanted to do was push Connor against the shower wall and make out with him until it was _he_ pressed up against the shower wall, Connor holding him up so that Jude could get his legs around Connor's waist and Connor could get his –

"Jude? I need you to answer me."

"I think we could have a lot of fun, figuring out what we like and what we don't. Today wasn't scary. We … Uh." Jude swallowed as he felt a nude to his leg and Connor's hands moved around to his front. "We saw today, we listen to each other, and it works. You … You did like it, right?"

"Yeah. I did. You surprised me, again. At some point, I should stop being surprised about that."

"Yeah, you should, because I'm pretty great so …"

"You're more than that. Are you actually going to shower in this shower?"

"Oh, I should. I probably should."

But it was so hard to pour shampoo in his hair and then turn around to give Connor the bottle when all he was thinking about was how he was naked and how Connor was naked and how wonderful sex could be. Sex with Connor would be wonderful.

"So," Connor said, "when we get out, do you want to make breakfast or go out somewhere?"

"We could take breakfast back to bed," Jude suggested, trying his best to sound like a flirtatious boyfriend. "Make sure earlier wasn't a fluke."

"It's not … real sex," Connor said. "Why do you like it so much?"

"Because it's you and I like everything you do." Jude leant his head back into the spray, trying to get rid of the suds. "Everything you do turns me on."

"Even the crying?" Connor joked.

Jude broke out into a smile and then lifted his head out of the water, stepping over to Connor's side of the shower instead. He put his hands on his boyfriend's hips and pulled Connor so close to him that the water struggled to fit between their bodies. Connor stared up at him, watching with eyes so hypnotizing that Jude felt his knees start to go weak

" _You_ are sexy, so everything you do is sexy."

Connor looked unsure for a moment and then he laughed. "You're too much, sometimes. You know that, right?"

"But it makes you smile." Jude tilted his head down, his lips close enough to Connor's that Jude could feel his breath, but he didn't close the kiss. It was almost eleven in the morning, but already a lot had happened today for Connor. And, honestly, he didn't want to push. He wanted Connor to take a step. If Connor did that, then Jude could be sure that Connor really liked what they were doing and that he didn't feel like he _had_ to be doing it."

"You make smile. Us, this. When I was at my worst you … You were the person I dreamt of. You're a dream come true, Jude."

Then, Connor kissed him, stretching onto his toes and wrapping both arms around Jude's neck. Jude let his hand follow the flow of water down Connor's back. With no waistband to stop him, Jude had his hand on Connor's butt before he even realized he was doing it. Connor tensed, but didn't push him away. Not completely.

"I should wash you. Like last time. Is that okay? I r-really liked it, last time."

"Yes, but kiss me again first."

Connor kissed him, his body flush against Jude. Jude took his chance and let his other hand rest against Connor's butt, not giving into his urge to squeeze or let his fingers explore. That, he knew, would be too much and Jude could all too clearly picture the panic and devastation on Connor's face. Jude didn't want that. He wanted the happy, naked Connor who asked him if he'd prefer bar soap or body wash.

In Jude's opinion, wash cloths shouldn't be that alluring. Also, in Jude's opinion, Connor shouldn't look so serious as he started to scrub Jude's chest.

"Something on your mind?"

"I don't find it hard to talk about sex. Mostly, except for when it really comes to me. Like, um, things I want to do. Not just hypothetical."

"Like our hypothetical sex?"

"No." Connor turned Jude around, washing along his shoulder blades. "That's still _very_ hypothetical but, um, do you remember when we first kissed, when I said I didn't want to get in my own way?"

"Yeah."

"I think I've been doing that, a little." Jude started as Connor turned the spray of water, cleaning off the soap. "And, this morning made me think about things I haven't done. I want there to be new things to do with you. The worst thing is, though, is that I'm too embarrassed to say it. Do you think that means I'm not ready for it?"

"I think that's just you, baby."

"But I have to be able to say it. If I want to do it because it's not like I can just grab you and surprise you."

Jude was thinking that he wouldn't really mind that but he knew Connor wouldn't understand. Even if Jude sat and tried to explain just how much he trusted Connor and how he knew that Connor would never do anything on purpose.

"Surprises aren't all bad. Why don't you give me a hint of what you're thinking?"

"Um …" Jude looked over his shoulder to see Connor fall to his knees and he started to run the washcloth over Jude's ankles.

"Um … Does it involve hands?"

"No."

"Tongue?"

"Y-y-yeah."

"Is the word you're too embarrassed to say 'blowjob'?"

"No."

"Then what?"

Jude's heart sped up as he felt Connor's lips brush the skin of his butt.

"I trust you to keep going with that."

Jude closed his eyes and leant against the shower wall. The water beat rhythmically against his back and it would have been soothing, if Connor's fingers weren't between his legs, his thumb just teasing him, while Jude felt his tongue gently swirl his way across the top of Jude's tailbone, like the most exquisite tease. One of Connor's hands moved to Jude's front, slowly pumping him there.

"Connor," Jude gasped, because that was not teasing.

"Sorry. Did you not like it?"

"Oh, no, no. I _really_ like that."

Jude pressed his forehead against the warming shower tile as Connor kept moving his hand up and down Jude's length while his mouth hesitantly returned to Jude's body. Jude could scarcely believe that Connor hadn't done this before. It took just moments for Jude to be gasping for breath, trembling against the shower wall. Or maybe that was because Jude had never expected anything like this before. The hand Connor had between his legs, keeping them spread slightly, moved and Jude felt Connor's thumb press against him. Jude wished he would push harder; Jude wanted Connor's fingers inside of him – any part of Connor inside of him. Connor's hand disappeared, though, and the brief disappointment that Jude felt was replaced by a moan as Connor's tongue pushed inside of him.

"God. Oh, _God._ " He didn't want to come immediately, like some hormonal fifteen-year-old but that was almost what he did. And would have, if Connor hadn't lifted his head.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes." He wanted to reach back and hold Connor's face to him until Jude's body was nothing but jelly. His fingers itched; he wanted to grab onto Connor's hair that badly.

Luckily, he didn't have to beg. Connor quickly went back to what he was doing, touching Jude in such a way that Jude felt like Connor really liked what they were doing. And that made everything feel so much better. He felt painfully hard in Connor's hand. Then, for the second time that morning, Jude let go, spraying the shower wall. Connor shifted away from him.

"No, don't," Jude blurted. "Don't stop."

Connor laughed a little. "We're going to run out of hot water." Then, a little more quietly, he admitted, "My knees are getting sore."

Jude forced himself to turn around, leaning heavily against the clean part of the wall. He offered his hands to Connor, pulling him up, even though Jude's arms shook. Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder, feeling up Connor's chest, then letting his fingers touch the soft patch of hair between his legs.

"You know, the water doesn't feel like it's getting cold to me."

"Well, we probably still have some time left to finish our actual shower."

"Eh. _Or_ , we could do something a little more fun."

"And shower in cold water?"

Jude could feel Connor twitch against the side of his hand and so he turned his palm in, cupping Connor's length.

"I am thinking about something that involves –"

"Fingers?" Connor guessed and Jude shook his head. "M-mouth?"

"Yeah," Jude whispered.

"Not what I did to you."

"No, I know you better than that."

Connor relaxed visibly, his shoulders falling forward. Jude pumped his hand once down Connor's length, and then Connor's hips pushed forward into his hand again. Jude grinned.

"So," Connor said slowly, "the word you're looking for is …"

"Blowjob."

"It didn't work out last time. I was too scared."

"This time is different. I didn't really warn you. I just did it because I wanted to. This time, I'm asking." Jude moved his hand slowly. "I'm not going to hurt you. I know how to touch you. And, baby, I want to. I want _you_."

Connor glanced up at him. "You're thinking about sex."

"You're hot and naked and I'm really in love with you."

"So, yes."

"Yes. But, I'm not asking." Jude ducked his head to kiss Connor and ended up with a mouth half full of water. He shook his head, guided Connor backward a step, and then kissed him, properly. Connor melted against him.

"What's one more new thing?" Connor asked, his voice so quiet it was almost lost in the water noise. "Okay, I trust you."

Jude kissed Connor again and then pushed him flat against the wall. Connor gasped and Jude gave into his desire and trail his tongue down Connor's abs. It made Connor laugh at first and that was what Jude focused on, not the way that Connor's heated skin tasted slightly of soup. He sucked slightly at Connor's sharp hip bone.

"Are you trying to give me a hickey?"

"No. Unless you want me to."

"No bruises," Connor whimpered.

"No bruises."

Jude opened his mouth, sliding it around Connor's tip. He felt Connor tap impatiently at his shoulder and Jude automatically lifted his hand, fitting it in Connor's. Connor held onto him, like he always did, and Jude took his time, making sure that Connor enjoyed every moment.

(-.-)

"Spicy eggs or cheesy eggs?"

"Cheesy, spicy eggs?"

"You're demanding," Connor complained lightly, glancing over at Jude to make sure that he was smiling about it.

"Aww, but you like me."

"Yeah. I do." Connor glanced up at Jude, looking perfectly at home as he sat on the kitchen counter. "Okay, spicy, cheesy eggs."

"Cheesy spicy eggs," Jude corrected idly.

Connor nodded, searching his father's fridge for the things that he needed. He couldn't help but glance over his shoulder, looking at Jude. He felt his face go hot and then he ducked his head back into the fridge. Should he feel embarrassed about this morning? Connor wasn't even sure that embarrassed was the right word at all. It was a strange burst of butterflies and adrenaline that made him want to hold Jude and do it all again.

"Why are you blushing?"

Of course, Jude would notice.

"Um, thinking about this morning."

Connor spread his ingredients across the kitchen counter and picked out his frying pan.

"You know, I was pretty surprised by you."

"I surprised me to. But …" Connor abandoned their breakfast, just for a moment, so that he could stand in front of Jude. "But, I liked it. I did. And, you know, I want to keep moving forward and it's baby steps. Maybe to sex, maybe not, but, somewhere."

"So, if we're baby stepping to sex, can we baby step to love?"

Connor took a step backward, fleeing back to the stove so that he could have something to do with his hands, something to do other than focus on the conversation that had come out of nowhere.

"What does love have to do with it?" he asked.

"It has to do with a lot. You know that."

His ingredients together, Connor started the eggs in the pan. He focused on them a little too much, watched them just a little too closely. "I thought you understood my feelings about that."

"I try to but it's also hard to be in love with a man that will never love you back, no matter how he feels about you. I want you to understand that."

"I do! You don't know how much I do! But I never thought you'd feel the way that I did in that relationship!"

"Connor … I don't. We can't compare. We both know that."

"There are no baby steps to love, Jude, either you're in it or you're not and I'm so sorry, but I don't feel that way about … anything. I don't even say 'I love you' to my dad or that I love food or scents or TV shows or … anything. It's just a word I can't say! I can't do it! No matter how I feel about you, and I do have feelings for you. More than I should. Feelings that run so deep I don't understand them and I can't figure out what to do with them but they're there, and I need you to trust that and understand it because if you can't, then maybe we shouldn't be here."

Connor braced himself against the counter and stared down at the speckled grey, trying not to let the tears fall. He heard Jude's feet hit the floor and he welcomed it when Jude wrapped his arms around him, burrowing his head against Jude's shoulder. But Jude's warmth got to him and the tears poured from him.

"Shhh, baby, I'm sorry. I knew better. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Jude, I'm sorry. You should, um, be able to talk to m-me about things without me getting upset."

"The point is we're talking about them. You're not running away from me screaming, or disappearing into the night with the just a cryptic text. This counts as talking."

"We didn't talk this morning."

"We don't have to _talk_ all the time," Jude said, and just his tone could bring a smile to Connor's face. "But I love it when we do."

"I wish I could be like that," Connor said. "Just say it like that, so freely. To just love little things, but even just saying it like that makes me feel like breaking down."

"Just try it. Name three things that you love. Anything. Colours, foods, songs … Anything."

Connor couldn't do that when he was being held so closely by Jude. He forced himself to take a step back, taking a deep breath. He focused on his eggs and, thinking.

"I love … my mom."

"Good, good."

"I love cooking."

"I love that you cook," Jude countered.

Connor's stomach fluttered as he thought of other things. His mother's favourite song was a good one. Ampelos seemed to weak of a thing to love. He glanced at Jude, but that was a mistake, because he lost his train of thought on everything else. He returned his attention to the eggs. Almost done.

"I l-l-l-love …" This one was the most nerve-wracking, "… your smile."

Jude laughed, so beautifully that Connor wondered if he should have said that instead.

"You're a gift," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's cheek.

"Will you get plates? The eggs are done."

"Sure. What cupboard?"

Connor directed him and then filled the two plates with their breakfast. They sat at the table, talking mostly about what they were going to do for the day, even though Connor felt like most of the day had been wasted already. As soon as breakfast was over, they were out and into Adam's car.

"Going back to Gerald is going to feel like driving a dinky car after this," Jude muttered, running his hand over the steering wheel.

"Gerald's a better character than Dad's car."

"That wasn't the question. He's just a lot older and he has all the problems of an old car."

"You'll like him when we get home."

"Yeah, yeah," Jude said. "I'll just have to get used to him again."

"We'll go on a long drive, get churros, and go to the beach," Connor said. "But, for now, we have to go to a florist shop, quickly. If I spend any longer here and don't go, Mom might think I've forgotten her."

"Do you talk to her?" Jude asked. "You know, when you're at her grave?"

"Take a left up here," Connor said, trying to distract from the unexpected question. He let Jude drive a little more and then he added, "Yeah. I do. Now. When she first died, when I was younger, I didn't. But, I spent _years_ not being able to go and see her. Now, I like to believe that she's always kind of with me, in some way. Then, I hated to think that she saw any part of that or knew any bit of what I had become. So, the first time that I got to go to her grave, I just sat there, for hours, and told her about all of the things that I could stomach telling her. It was dark, before I got home, and that was the last bit of independence I had from Dad before I moved to university."

"Wow."

"Do you talk to Callie?"

"No. I, um, haven't even been to her grave since the funeral. Moms take her flowers a lot. I know that. I just haven't …"

"Right, here." Connor tapped his fingers against the door. "I think an opinion on this is separate, spiritual. I don't mean that in a really religious way but I think she's here, in a spirit kind of way."

"Green building up there?"

"Yeah."

Jude pulled up to the curb and Connor leapt out, leaving Jude in the driver's seat. It would only be a moment; he always got his mother the same bouquet. He picked it up, digging the exact change out of his pocket, and then he was back in the car, giving Jude directions to the cemetery. He clutched the flowers, playing with a daisy petal until Jude parked, and then Connor had to lead him on a morbid walk through the tombstones. Jude kept up with him, and then, finally, they were standing in front of his mother's grave. Connor bent and placed the flowers deliberately, covering up the 'beloved wife' and leaving just 'mother' part visible. He sank into the grass, holding onto Jude's hand.

"Hi, Mom."

Beside him, Jude rested on his knees.

"This is Jude. I think you already know about him, but I want you to know him."

"Hi," Jude said, sounding as awkward as Connor had ever heard him, but Jude had said it. Jude was trying. And Connor could have cried about that.

"He can't cook but everything else about him is amazing," Connor said. He let his eyes drift shut and he pictured his mother's face. Her smile was so much easier to deal with than the sight of her grave, even after all this time. "He kind of loves me, Mom."

"Really, loves him," Jude corrected.

"He's what you probably always wanted me to find, even if the 'he' might not have been part of the equation. Dad still has those baby photos of me in the 'Hide Your Chicks' shirt, hanging around the house. You could probably tell me why, but I don't know. Do you think I try to blame him for things?"

The world was quiet and Connor just listened to the slight breeze rustle the world around him.

"She and I both think you are doing just fine," Jude said. "And, not to exaggerate things, but I think she likes me."

Connor opened his eyes and found Jude's gaze. "I knew she would."

He rested his head against Jude's shoulder and exhaled happily.

"He loves me," Connor whispered, and he heard the sadness in his own voice. "Sometimes, I wish it were easy to say it back. If you were here, if I had you, my whole world would be different, Mom. Part of me worries, though, if I had you, would I have had to lose him? If you lived, would I not have him? That's selfish, isn't it? But, I think about that all the time. I wish I could have both of you, but I don't think I can. I'm not saying that he makes everything I went through worth it but I … He … is so close to that it's scary. He's scary."

Connor wished that he could say that to Jude's face and be totally open about it, but it was easier not to. It was easier to just talk to his mother and confess to her. It shouldn't be. He should be able to look into Jude's beautiful brown eyes and empty his heart, but every time he tried or did, even just a little, he felt too vulnerable, too open.

"Connor …"

"But not in a bad way," Connor blurted. "In the best way. I think you understand that. I like to think that's what you felt when you were falling in love with Amelia. I understand why you didn't tell me then but I wish that you were around to tell me now, instead of having to hear about it from Dad, because I'll never really know for sure. You took so much with you."

Jude didn't say anything, just snaked his arm around Connor. Connor leant back into his hold and just let Jude keep him close.

"She loved you, so much," Jude said. "I know that about her."

"Me too," Connor admitted.

Jude kissed him on the temple and then asked, "Is it bad taste to kiss you in a cemetery?"

"It's just my mom, Jude. I don't think she'll mind."

"But your dad would."

"Mom and Dad were _that_ different, I promise," Connor said. He reached out and fixed one of the flowers. "At the end, I like to just sit with her. A few minutes of silence, until it feels right to get up and go."

"However long it takes," Jude promised.

Connor knew that he meant that. He knew that, to the core of everything he was, and Connor trusted him. He trusted Jude's warmth and the way that his hand rubbed up and down Connor's injured side. Connor snuggled into Jude's side; he wanted his mother to _feel_ how happy he was, sitting here sharing this part of him with Jude. He hoped that Jude could feel it too, because he wanted Jude to know.

"Where would you want to go next?" Connor asked.

"I don't know," Jude said. "Grocery shopping, for dinner tonight?"

"We have an hour, maybe two until then. Jude …" Connor grabbed tightly onto his hand and held onto his boyfriend for all that it was worth.

"What, baby?"

"I don't really want to go anywhere else. Could we just sit here for as long as possible, maybe?"

"Yes. We will sit here as long as possible," Jude promised. "Does your mom have an opinion on what we should make? If my opinion counts, I put my money on the shrimp thing. That would charm anyone. I fell in love with you for it."

"I feel like you have at least three different versions of that story."

"All of them are true," Jude said. "I think I fall in love with you a dozen times a day."

"See, Mom," Connor argued, "he's almost a little too perfect, isn't he? Sometimes, I think I'll wake up and he'll be gone, like a really good dream."

"Hey, I'm real."

"But too good to be true."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head and Connor relaxed into him. He let the silence take over and they just sat there, the wind blowing around them. Jude didn't dare to break the silence and Connor was so glad for that. He was so glad for someone who understood him and who tried to understand the parts that weren't so easy. Connor grabbed Jude's hand and wrapped it around his waist. Connor put his head down on Jude's shoulder and sat there. He had a sense of when their hour was up but he couldn't bring himself to move. After he felt like they were almost at an hour and a half, and coming too close to their deadline, he sighed.

"I think you were right, about the shrimp."

"Should we go?"

"I don't know when I'm going to see her again."

"Whenever you want. You know, it might not be a bad drive. We can save up and drive down, spend New Years or something with your dad."

"Maybe. But I like the thought of taking a drive. I hope we really do that, someday."

"I want to do a lot with you, someday," Jude whispered.

Connor squeezed Jude's hand. "I want that too, I think, but … For right now, I need you to go wait in the car. I want to say goodbye to my mom alone."

"Okay. I understand." Jude stood up. "It was nice meeting you. I'll take care of him, I promise."

The tears were hot against Connor's face as Jude walked away. He slid his hands into the long blades of grass.

"Mom, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've said it to his face but I'd like to be able to give him more, I just don't know what that more is or how to give it. I wish you were still here. You'd know what to say to me, about everything. I …" Connor sighed. "Is it mean to make _your_ shrimp recipe for Rachel? It's my favourite recipe too, so it's what I'd want to make anyway, I think. So, um, I'll see you soon, okay? At least once a year, I promise, because I want to see Dad at least that much too. I think we're really going to get along better, now. Maybe, someday, we can have the relationship I want. Bye, Mom."

Connor pushed himself to his feet. The walk back to the car always felt longer and he always felt heavier doing it. It was so hard to feel like he was both gaining something and then leaving something behind. Jude was waiting in the car, drumming his fingers along the top of the steering wheel, but when Connor sat in the car, there was no music.

"Maybe when we get home, we can go see Callie."

"Sure," Connor agreed. "I'll go anywhere with you."

"How about you direct me to a grocery store? That way you don't have to be so stressed out about dinner."

"I don't even though what she looks like!" Connor tried not to sound pouty as he directed Jude to go back to the florist shop. "Dad knew what you looked like."

"Well, you wanted that," Jude said. "People are different. You can't expect people to give back the same things you give them."

"Straight, here."

"I'm straight nowhere."

Connor cracked a smile. "Jude, you weren't talking about Dad and Rachel just then, were you?"

"No."

"Are we … fighting about this?" Connor asked. "About me not being able to be there?"

"No, because there'd be no point in fighting. You can't do it and you can't bend on that. I just feel more disappointed since you're bending on some physical stuff and that was once a hard 'never'."

"But I'm not having sex. There are parts of that I can _never_ do and it wouldn't matter who I was with because he _ruined_ me! He took from me and I thought you understood that. I just don't have it, Jude, and I can't give you what I don't have. If I did, I'd give it to you, but I don't, so I can't."

"You can't say I'd love you if I could like that, Connor!"

"Why not? It's the truth. I would like to be the boyfriend you want – left, then you should see it. I know what you want from me and I'm trying to figure out how to be normal and give you as much as I can without giving up me again, because I feel like I finally have a me again, but that's because of you. Because of who I am with you."

Jude stopped in a spot at the back of the lot. He didn't even pause to turn the car off and before Connor could even ask what he was doing, Jude's arms were tight around him. Connor hugged Jude back, trying to absorb the confidence he felt coming from the strong embrace.

"You have a lot of problems," Jude said.

"I know."

"And, sometimes, you come close to driving me crazy."

"I'm sorry."

"I love you for it, not in spite of it. _You_ are the boyfriend I want."

"Jude …" Connor felt Jude's lips kiss the side of his neck.

"I just need you to listen to me, baby. No excuses or explanations, just listen to me rant a little, because I want to feel understood."

"And I want to understand you."

"Then that'll work out for both of us."

Jude kissed him, but not really properly. He was smiling too much and that made Connor smile too.

"So, we're not fighting?"

"No." Jude rubbed the tip of his nose against Connor's. "We haven't even been together a year yet."

"Um, like seven months according to your count but three by mine."

"I've been yours since September. That's where we should really start counting."

"It's not a real anniversary," Connor argued.

"Hmm. But, that's not the point."

"Then what is?" Connor asked.

"We've still got stuff to learn about each other. No matter how long we're together, there's always going to be a little more to know. We can't worry about it, right?"

"We just have to talk about it."

"Like we always talk."

"There was significantly less talking this morning," Connor pointed out. "and it wasn't bad."

"I'd call it pretty good."

Jude smiled and Connor leant into him, closing his eyes the moment before Jude kissed him. He was halfway into Jude's seat and with the way Jude was holding him, he almost wished he could finish the journey. But, his thoughts were too overwhelming and he gently pushed on Jude's chest. He always felt at least a little guilty about kissing Jude if he was thinking about something else, like their upcoming dinner.

Jude's lips left his. "Time to go shopping?"

Connor nodded. "I'll feel better once we're home and cooking."

"It's okay," Jude said as they got out of the car. "You can kiss me later."

Connor pulled his hat down over his head. "Jude, are you going to sleep with me tonight?"

"Want me to?"

"Yeah."

"Will your dad mind?"

Connor shrugged, watching Jude pick up the basket. "I think he'll be glad more than anything, after seeing last night. It would have been worse if you hadn't been there."

"I got that sense."

Connor half-stumbled down an aisle. He wasn't sure of the layout of this store. Pasta, he'd need that. Bakery rolls. Should he make a salad? Probably. What kind? Caesar; it seemed to go with seafood, right?

"Is the basket too heavy?" Connor asked when they were halfway through the store.

"I've got it, baby. Don't worry."

Connor gently put the lettuce on top of the shrimp, scouring the rest of the store. Jude convinced him to pick up a simple pound cake to might hot chocolate sauce with. It would be an easy dessert. She might not. Connor didn't know what he'd do if they didn't get along.

"Okay, we ready?"

Connor had to nod. He felt as though there should be something else, but there wasn't. The something else was at his father's and they had to go, through the short line and back out to the parking lot. Connor could just see the car when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He shifted his bag around to answer it.

"Hi, Dad."

"Hey, Connor. Have you gone grocery shopping yet?"

"Jude and I just left the store. Why? Is something wrong?"

"No, no. I just forgot to tell you! Rachel's allergic to seafood."

Connor felt his heart drop and he reached out to grab Jude's arm. Tonight was going to be terrible. He'd already made one unforgivable mistake.

"Oh. She is?"

"Yes. Is that going to be a problem?" Adam asked.

"N-no. It's fine. Really."

"Sorry for being so absent-minded. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Connor."

"You too, Dad." Connor hung up the phone and looked at Jude's concerned face. He told Jude about Rachel's allergy and then anxiously asked, "Do you think it'll taste just as good with chicken?"

"It should," Jude said, and Connor appreciate his effort to sound confident. "Here, give me your bag. You go grab the chicken and I'll pull the car up to the front and meet you there."

"Thanks, Jude."

Connor handed off his bag to Jude and then let his boyfriend kiss his cheek before he hurried back inside the store, trying not to look like he was hurrying. Hurrying people often drew attention to themselves and the last thing Connor ever wanted was attention. He picked up his chicken, became thankful for self-checkout stands, and emerged into the setting sun. He lingered by the door, surveying the pick up and drop off lane – Jude _had_ said he'd be parked here, hadn't he? Or had Connor misheard? He wasn't very good at listening but, at least, this time he'd gotten it right. Jude was just parked further down than he expected. Connor lengthened his steps to get to the car, feeling anxious about the chicken in his arms. What if dinner didn't taste the same? What if everything went wrong? But everything, including the chicken, was forgotten before he had even closed the car door, before he was even fully in his seat.

Because that was not Jude in the driver's seat.

Connor felt crushed and relieved; devastated and ecstatic. He had never quite been able to figure out what he would do if he ever saw his ex-boyfriend again. Scream, maybe, run away or become paralyzed. But the answer was that he'd be so overwhelmed that he'd end up feeling like a terrified child again and he'd throw his arms around his ex-boyfriend's neck.

"Now, now." The deep voice child Connor's bones. Large hands wrapped around Connor's wrist to entangle him. "You're too excitable, Connor. You knew how to behave better than that; my absence hasn't done you any good."

"No," Connor agreed. He was supposed to agree.

"Sit back and close your door."

Connor reached out and grabbed his door handle, hesitating even though every instinct he had was screaming at him to obey. He knew better. He knew what would happen if he didn't listen ( _you have to listen, Connor_ ) but he just couldn't shut the door because … Where was Jude? His heart clenched because he could think of one reason that Jude wasn't in the driver's seat and that was because he was dead in the back of the parking lot. There was no comfort in the fact that Connor had warned him and that Jude had known about this possibility. There was a half-comfort in the fact that he was probably going to be taken to his execution. Not that he really wanted to die; he just didn't think that he could live with Jude's blood on his hands.

"What are you waiting for?"

The impatience in his ex's voice made Connor's skin crawl but he still waited, just for another moment. He wanted a sign: he wanted to know if Jude was fine; he wanted to know if he should run, because he knew that he was looking at his last chance. A large hand encircled the back of Connor's neck and his blood turned to ice. He knew Jude wasn't safe; he knew that whatever happened next, he deserved, because he was the one that let Jude die. His hands shaking, Connor shut the car door but, even though he'd done what he was supposed to, the hand around his neck tightened. Connor readied himself for pain: the punch or the push headfirst into the door. It had been so long since he'd been hurt, he almost didn't remember what it felt like, even though it was hard to forget the anticipation of the blow.

Instead, the hand around his neck started stroking his hair. Connor jerked his head away. He didn't like his head being touched and so, no one touched his head. Connor realized his mistake a horrifying second too late when the hand wrapped in his long hair and the side of his head was slammed into the dashboard.

"You've been _ruined!"_

A tear rolled down Connor's cheek and he refused to pick his head up. _Ruined_. He had just said that word to Jude, not even that long ago; he had admitted to being ruined. Connor knew better; he knew it was his time with his ex that had ruined him, not their time apart. But Connor's opinion wasn't the one that mattered and the opinion that mattered was the opposite of his own. He flinched as the hand stroked the back of his head.

"But we'll fix it. We'll fix you. It's what I'm here for. You'll be okay, now that I'm here. You'll be okay now, won't you, Connor?"

"Yes," Connor agreed. "I'll be okay."

Connor slowly sat up, trying to be subtle with clearing away his tears. Tears would just serve to make him more upset. He turned in the seat, staring up at the face that he had thought he had missed for all this time, only to find that he would much rather it go away again. His stomach was churning, he didn't know how he could do this again. Not after knowing what life was supposed to be like. After knowing Jude, how could he possibly settle for anything else?

"Now, tell me how much you missed me and then kiss me."

Connor took a deep, shuddering. "I missed you. I missed you a lot, Leigh."

Then Connor leant over the console and kissed him.

When Connor's lips left Leigh's, everything about him felt wrong. The whole world felt wrong. He dropped his gaze away from Leigh's face and he spotted something in the backseat. Not a something. A someone. His whole world. His Jude, thrown on the floor like he was nothing, blood pouring from a wound on his head. _No._ _Not Jude_. He felt his body tremble. He had to get out of here. He couldn't leave Jude behind. But there was no way for him to get Jude out of there, not while Leigh was sitting so casually in the front seat. He faced forward. He didn't know what to do. What could he do? What should he do?

"Put your seatbelt on."

Connor could put his seatbelt on. He let it click and then he stared straight ahead as Leigh pulled out of the parking lot. He had just been sitting in this car with Jude, talking and laughing and kissing. _Kissing_. His lips tingled. The last person he kissed hadn't been Jude. As the car left his parking lot, he stared at Leigh. How had he been found? How long had he been watched? Would it have made a difference if they had never come here? Connor watched the streets go by. Where were they going?

Connor knew he couldn't ask. He knew that he wasn't allowed to ask anything. He kept his mouth shut because that was what he was good for. He wondered when his father would notice that they were missing. He wondered if anyone would come after them at all. His father hadn't come after him before. He had been left and abandoned here before. He could take it, when it was just him. He hadn't known any better. Jude was in the backseat now; it wasn't just him. Connor dared sneak a look to the back. He could see Jude, taking small, shallow little breaths. Jude was alive. Connor couldn't give up knowing that Jude was alive. If he didn't do anything that would weigh more heavily on him than if Jude had been murdered in the grocery store parking lot. If Jude died now, Connor's inaction would have caused it, not Leigh.

"So."

Leigh's voice was casual, conversational, but Connor saw the way that he was gripping the steering wheel. He was angry.

"Where have you been?"

"At school. Dad sent me away to school. He thought I would try to be around you again." It wasn't the truth and Connor knew that he didn't really know how to lie. He hoped that Leigh bought it. Jude never did but Connor knew that Leigh didn't see him the same way that Jude did. He was grateful for that. Leigh might not notice the lie and if he didn't, Connor might be saved, at least a little. If Leigh believed it was not his fault, if it was Adam's. He just had to hold his breath and pray that Leigh never decided to go after Adam or that Connor could figure out how to stop him if he did.

"School where?" Leigh's tone was getting tighter.

"New York," Connor whispered.

"I heard that. I didn't believe it."

"It's true."

He held his breath and waited for Leigh to ask about Jude but no questions came. He held his hands together in his lap and stared out the window, trying to keep track of where they were going, just in case he had to find his way back. That might be the best-case scenario. As long as he had Jude with him, having to run these streets again to safety would be the best-case scenario. Connor tried to think of Jude in his arms and how heavy Jude was when he carried him. He wondered how far he could get with Jude over his shoulders. He didn't think he could outrun Leigh, even without Jude's weight. He wondered how hurt Jude was, if it would only make things worse to move him.

The sun was nearly gone. The world was getting dark and shadowy and Connor's stomach clenched. If it were broad daylight, things would seem better somehow. Things would seem more manageable but, Connor could admit it, he was scared of the dark. It didn't help him that the face of his nightmares was sitting next to him, silent with a blank face. Connor couldn't read him; Connor didn't know what was going on. He missed the happy, noisy car rides with Jude, when there was the sound of the radio and the wind and their laughter. He could read Jude, he knew when he was happy or sad or anything in between. He knew Jude and it was Jude that he wanted.

He would give himself back to Leigh. He would do anything. He just wanted Jude to be okay. _Not Jude._

"Give me your hand, Connor."

An order. Not Jude's light request that Connor knew he could refuse if he wanted to. Connor held out his hand and let Leigh take it. The grip was too rough and too demanding. Connor didn't like it. He didn't want it. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to Jude's apartment. He wanted to wake up to rain on the window and Jude whining about getting his coffee soon. He wanted happy and comfortable and wonderful. He didn't want this.

"Show me you missed me while we drive."

Leigh left Connor's hand on his thigh and Connor knew what was expected of him. They had done this before. Connor reached across his body and undid his seatbelt. It would just be in his way.

"Leigh, are we going home?"

"We don't have a home anymore!" Leigh snapped. "Do you know what you did, Connor?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't want this! I wanted you!"

It was true. Right after he'd woken up in the hospital, right up until he had met Jude. And then that had faded away, because he had better. The best. And the best wasn't Leigh. For years, Connor would have believed that. He would have defended that to his dying breath. Leigh was the best man in the world, Leigh was the only man for him, there was no room in his life for anyone but Leigh.

"You were wrong and you have to apologize. You have to make up for this."

"I will," Connor said. "I will. Please, give me the chance to."

Connor hated himself for the pleading tone in his voice. There were thoughts in his head, all at war with one another. He wanted to open the door and jump out, even though he would probably die. He wanted to stay rooted to the spot, thinking he had to be there for Jude. There was also the sick desperation to be close to Leigh again. Connor knew that part of him didn't belong. He really did know better but he didn't feel better. All of the work that he had done with Dr. Scott didn't matter when Leigh was in front of him. Nothing could have prepared him for now. Nothing at all. The thing that Connor hated the most was how much he wanted to do what Leigh told him. He hated how he was ready to jump the moment that Leigh said how high. He should be better than that. He should be able to fight back and be his own person but he wasn't. When Leigh was in front of him, he bowed. He came Leigh's again and Connor had no idea how to fight back against that.

"You know where to start."

Connor did and he took down the zipper on Leigh's pants, thinking of Jude. Thinking of Jude touching him gently, thinking of Jude wanting to touch him in a way that Connor would like, thinking of Jude telling him not to be so serious. That was what it should be. That was what a first time should be. Leigh never should have been a part of his life. Connor had made that mistake and now he had to undo it.

As he contorted himself over the console to bend over Leigh's lap, he prayed that Jude could forgive him. He hoped that he would be able to forgive himself. _No choice,_ Connor reminded himself, _you have no choice._ He supposed he had some. He could bite down, let Leigh crash the car. But then Jude could get hurt again. It might only get worse and he knew that wasn't the option that he could take, even if it was the only one he felt that he had. Connor felt dizzy and sick. He wanted Jude, not the foul taste of Leigh. He wanted warm hands that he could draw comfort from, not the iron force of Leigh's palm against his head. Tears started to roll into his mouth and he wanted to throw up. He was drowning, again. How could he live through this again? He couldn't. He knew he couldn't. He wasn't strong enough for that. He wasn't strong enough for anything. He couldn't even say the word 'no'.

Connor felt the car jerk and he almost lost his balance. The sound of the road changed. Connor couldn't hear other traffic; wherever they were going now, they were going to be alone. A chill ran down Connor's spin as he bobbed his head over Leigh; he could imagine what would happen when they were alone and he felt his whole body go into revolt. The last time was supposed to be the last time and Connor had been healing from it. Where was he supposed to go, after living through that pain again? What was going to happen to him now?

Connor heard the crunch of gravel under the tires and then the car lurched to a halt. Leigh grabbed his hair and yanked Connor's head up.

"We'll have to fix this hair next." Leigh sighed and Connor was sorry for disappointing him. "You've let yourself go. Ratty hair, weak arms. You used to be perfect. Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I don't know," Connor whispered. "I need you."

They were all his old lines. Connor should know them by heart; he should have his delivery nailed, but they kept coming out all wrong. It was because he had no faith in the script anymore. How could he believe in these words?

"I know you do. That's why I came back for you, even after everything you did. I know what you need, isn't that right?"

Connor fought to keep his gaze from falling on Jude. Maybe Leigh had forgotten about him. He took a deep breath and said, "Right."

There was nothing else he could say now.

Leigh smiled, smug and arrogant. Connor had to divert his gaze from that; he couldn't stand to see that expression on Leigh's face. Instead, he stared out the front window. They were in a driveway, trapped between a tall fence and a grey house, facing an overgrown lawn. In the side mirror, Connor could see a 'FOR SALE' sign swaying in the breeze. Connor didn't recognize the house; most importantly, he didn't know how to run away from it. If he even managed to run, where did he go?

"Push your seat all the way back, Connor."

"Why?" Connor blurted forgetting, for a moment, who he was talking to.

Fingers hooked in the side of Connor's mouth and Connor's head was yanked around. He could feel his jaw trembling, but Leigh didn't get go. Leigh had never let go; Leigh always had his claws in him. His fingernail into the side of his cheek with such force that blood appeared in the scratch he made. Leigh's dark eyes pierced Connor like knives and all Connor wanted was to be able to look away.

"Seat," Leigh commanded.

He didn't let go of Connor's face as Connor struggled to lean down and grab the bar to push his seat back. He felt his seat hit something solid and he knew it had to be Jude's legs. He felt a nervous surge go through his stomach and the only thing he could think was _not Jude, not Jude._

Anything but Jude.

"Lean the seat back as far as it will go."

Leigh's fingers were in his mouth still and Connor let his tears overflow. It was what Leigh wanted. Leigh wanted his pain; it would be Connor's atonement. Connor grabbed the level and the seat flopped backward with a thud that made Connor flinch.

"Lay down, don't move," Leigh instructed. "Be a good boy."

Connor started hyperventilating and he hoped Leigh slit his throat. He'd rather be dead than be forced to have sex with Leigh again. Leigh tugged at his cheek and Connor slowly reclined, staring up at the dull grey ceiling. Leigh's fingers left his mouth and he stroked Connor's cheek, leaving a long, wet mark along the bloody scratch that felt like a burn.

"Don't move."

Connor held his breath. He waited for Leigh's long, bulky body to smother his own. He closed his eyes. He couldn't watch it happen. If he closed his eyes and pretended enough, he might be able to convince himself that it wasn't happening. It had never worked before but it might be different now. Instead, Connor felt a cool rush of air and he peeked one eye open. Leigh was getting out; he couldn't maneuver over the console – the car was too small.

Connor's heart thudded but there was no time for indecision. He slammed his hands down on the lock for the passenger's side front and back doors and then he threw himself across the car and locked those doors too. Then, he sat, frozen like a deer in headlights in the driver's seat as Leigh screamed his name. Leigh's fists came down on the windshield and Connor flinched, terrified. Leigh _would_ get in. Connor could already feel the windshield shattering across his face and the long wounds forming across his stomach as Leigh dragged him out of the car. Leigh would get in and then Jude would be dead. Connor took a shaky breath and glanced in the backseat. Jude's breathing seemed shallow.

 _Not Jude_. Connor had told Jude he would protect him. It was time for him to do that.

He turned the key and the car rumbled to life. Connor tried not to look up and at Leigh as he shoved the car in reverse. If he looked at Leigh, he might lose what little nerve he had. The car roared backward and Connor nearly sent them directly into the ditch. He swerved and they ended up in the road. He didn't know how, but here they were. When he looked up, trying to figure out which way to go, Leigh was standing in front of the car, glowering, and Connor wanted nothing more than to cower and just take it. It was what he was good at; it was what he knew how to do.

"You said you'd be good," Leigh said, his deep voice rolling over Connor in waves.

 _Not Jude_.

Connor pressed down on the gas. He tried to avoid Leigh but Leigh would not be avoided. Connor forced himself not to hesitate and not to look back, no stopping, no slowing down. Not even when Leigh flew over the hood of the car. Connor glanced up at the rear-view mirror, only to see Leigh struggling to his feet. Connor's own foot crashed over the gas pedal and he sped away.

"Hold on, Jude," he begged. "Hold on."

He hoped to see a police car. He hoped to get pulled over for speeding. He hoped someone called the police because he was driving so recklessly. Anything to get attention. He tried to navigate the twisty road and get back to something that looked familiar. He just needed one landmark to know how to get to the hospital. The drive seemed to stretch and last for an eternity. Connor hated being behind the wheel; he was too jumpy and too antsy. He kept thinking he was going to crash the car, only to think that he _couldn't_ crash the car. He couldn't hurt Jude any more. He couldn't make it worse. Then, he saw it: a small convenience store, gas pumps outside, not unlike the one that Jude worked at. Except Connor knew this one so much better. He and his mother would stop here, because they sold the red candies that tasted better than all of the other red candies, according to a young Connor.

He let out a scream of relief. He knew where he was. He knew where to go. He veered to the left.

"Almost there," he shrieked to Jude. "Almost there!"

He cut thought he missed a stop sign. He didn't care. He was driving crazed, eyes focused on the thick yellow line along the pavement, barely looking up until he got to the hospital. Where did he go? Where did he take the car? He shot straight through, to the place where ambulances dropped off their patients. A nurse saw him stop through the glass doors and she stormed out.

"You can't park here!" she barked and Connor thought her dark brown face was one of the most beautiful he might have ever seen.

"Please," he begged, throwing open the driver's side door. "Please, you have to help him."

"What happened to your face?" she asked.

 _His_ face? He didn't need help. He yanked open the driver's side door. "Pl-please help him."

She peeked into the backseat.

"Don't move," she ordered him. "I'll get a doctor."

"And the police," Connor shouted after her. "I need the police!"

"Calling!" the nurse yelled over her shoulder, and then she was back through the double doors.

Connor collapsed against the side of the car, staring upward at the dark sky. Tears scalded his cheeks.

 _Please don't let Jude die. Not Jude. Anything but Jude._

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **War Of Hearts**_ **by Ruelle. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	75. Lay Down

Connor crossed his arms and stared out the window, rocking back on his heels. It was raining – a heavy, brutal, unexpected downpour for this time of year. He watched the droplets cross the window and gave no thought to the woman sitting on the couch behind him. At least, not until she cleared her throat.

"Connor," Dr. Scott prompted.

"I don't want to talk about it." He knew that it wouldn't work. He knew that he was here to talk about it. It was just so hard to think about and, harder still, to admit to what had happened. Dr. Scott wanted him to say it aloud; she thought it would help him accept it. As if there _was_ accepting.

"Just try. There's no harm in trying."

Yes, there was. Connor took a deep breath and tried not to think back. He didn't want to visualize it all again.

"A week ago …" Connor started but his voice died in his throat.

"What happened a week ago?" Dr. Scott asked, politely interested, as if she really didn't know.

"He's dead," Connor whispered to the fat raindrop rolling down the centre of the pane.

"Who's dead?" Dr. Scott asked. "Names matter."

Connor felt tears prick at his eyes, even though he knew that he shouldn't be crying. He shouldn't feel it. "Leigh is dead."

"What happened?"

"He came after me," Connor whispered. It was slightly easier, once he said _something_ , but he still didn't like it. "Ran into the road. He was hit by a car. He died before an ambulance got there."

"Whose fault was that?"

"His."

That was one thing that everyone had been very firm on when they were around him. It was not his fault. Leigh made his own decisions. He got himself into his own troubles. It wasn't Connor's fault. Connor didn't quite believe it. There were things that he had to take responsibility for, and it wasn't necessarily what had happened to Leigh. But it was easier to think about Leigh than it was to think about … him. Connor couldn't even think his name anymore.

He pressed one thumb to the cold window. He had to distract from what he knew to be coming next. He would rather try and fumble his way through talking about Leigh. Somehow, it hurt less. Connor was sure that meant something.

"I snuck into the wake. I thought it would help to see his body. You know, to make sure he was really dead. I didn't stay. I didn't want his mother to see me. But I saw him."

"And?"

"And nothing. It didn't feel like him. I still feel like I have to look over my shoulder for him all the time." Connor took a deep breath. "Leigh is dead."

It felt the same as _Leigh is in jail_ and _Leigh is gone_ used to feel. Unreal, untrue, something that couldn't be trusted.

"Yes, he is."

Connor knitted his fingers together and looked down. He didn't want to hold his own hand. He thought about saying that to Dr. Scott and then realized it would just lead back to the person Connor was trying to avoid talking about. He knew that she wouldn't let him get away with it for very long but he would take what he could get while she was still giving it. He fished around for something to say and then, like a moment of grace, there came a knock at the door. Connor glanced over his shoulder and saw the cross look on Dr. Scott's face. He knew what bad form it was to interrupt a session. He recognized the receptionist, Mandy.

"Sorry, Dr. Scott," she said in a hushed voice that Connor could still clearly hear in the small room. "Connor's father is here. He said that Connor should come immediately, it's about Jude."

Connor felt his knees go weak and the world tilted on its axis. He stumbled forward and the two women moved out of his way. Dr. Scott called his name but it was just white noise to Connor. He stumbled to the lobby and there was Adam, rain jacket soaked through.

"Dad," Connor gasped. "Dad, what is it?"

Adam's face was neutral and slightly grave; it was the same expression he'd been wearing since seeing Connor in the hospital again. It was a face that gave nothing away, even though his rapidly growing dark circles did.

"I just got off the phone with Stef. Jude's awake"

Connor felt the tears of relief leak, hot and steady, from his eyes. "Is he going to be okay?"

"Let's go to the hospital," Adam said. "Let's find out."

Like he was a scared child, Connor clung to Adam's arm as they headed out to the car. He felt as though the floor was rolling under his feet and he needed something solid and warm to cling to as he barely dared to hope: _not Jude._

(-.-)

Jude felt like his mothers were going to squeeze his hands off. They had a hold of one each as they perched on either side of his skinny hospital bed, staring up at the doctor, who was holding the results of his latest battery of tests, waiting for the verdict.

"Jude's memory loss is consistent with his trauma," Dr. Drew said, her red ponytail swaying slightly. "A lot of people can't remember the hours or, in some cases, days leading up to the incident. You might get it back, you might not. Either way, it's not a concern."

" _Is_ there a concern?" Stef asked. Jude thought she needed a shower and a proper bed; her and Lena both. They said he had been unconscious for a week but they looked run down; Jude felt rundown. It felt like more than a week's worth weighing on him.

"No, not right now. I'd like to keep him at least another day so we can keep running tests to make sure everything's functioning as it should and to make sure that Jude knows the limitations of his ribs, which are going to take much longer heal than you think, so make sure you baby those. Move slowly, listen to your body when it's in pain. They're hard to heal because of your breathing, so listen to the instructions we gave you earlier, okay?"

"Okay," Jude said.

"Soon rather than later, we're going to have someone come in and take out your catheter. I think it'll be good for you to get up on your feet, just to the bathroom and back."

Jude nodded. He'd been trying not to think about the catheter.

"Within the half hour," she amended as if sensing Jude's discomfort.

"Thank you."

"Is there anything we should be watching for?"

"Anything abnormal. Vision changes, headaches, forgetfulness, numbness. That was quite the blow to the head you took. You're lucky. You know your body best, Jude, so if anything feels strange, don't hesitate to ask about it."

"I'm just thirsty," Jude said, feeling every eye in the room on him.

"Water's fine," Dr. Drew said. "We'll talk about solid foods on your next hourly check-up, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed.

"That's all for now. Nurses will be popping in periodically, ask them anything. They know what they're doing." She smiled. "Anything for me, before I go?"

"No, thank you."

Dr. Drew left the room and Jude was left alone with his mothers. He hugged them tightly as they both wrapped their arms around him. Jude could feel their worry and their stress and he was so sorry to have done this to them, so close to what had happened to Callie.

"Mariana said to say she loves you and she wishes she could be here."

"We could only afford two tickets," Lena added.

Tickets. Jude groped around in his brain, trying to make the pieces fit. He knew he hadn't imagined the plane ride to visit Connor's father. They had gotten here, they had made lunch. After that, things began to get fuzzy for him. When he first woke up here, they said it had been an accident. Had it been a car accident? Had they gone somewhere with Adam again? Was that why his boyfriend wasn't here?

"Connor?" Jude asked. "Is Connor okay?"

The way Stef and Lena exchanged a glance made Jude not want to trust their word. He felt bad for it.

"Connor's fine," Lena said, a little too slowly.

"We haven't really seen him."

Jude found it hard to believe that his parents would have left his side for very long so it meant Connor hadn't come to visit him. Jude wished he were surprised but it was characteristic of Connor. It still left Jude feeling disappointed and hollow. He wouldn't have left Connor alone in the hospital. He would have been there when Connor woke up. He would have known that his face would be one Connor wanted to see when he woke up. Why didn't Connor know him well enough to know Jude would want him here?

He took a deep breath and felt an ache in his ribs.

"Mom," he started, looking at Stef. She would tell him the truth of what happened.

Just then, the nurse came in.

"Maybe you should go get lunch," Jude said. There were few things more embarrassing than having his parents watch a catheter be removed.

"Okay. We won't be long," Lena said and she leant over to kiss his forehead.

"You can take some time," Jude said. "I'm okay."

"We'll be in the hospital cafeteria," Stef said, a stern edge in her voice that let Jude know there would be no arguing. "Two minutes away."

Jude nodded and then the nurse was upon him. Her name was Sheila and she described what she was doing in quick, no-nonsense snippets that left Jude no room to be embarrassed. She was nearly finished when Jude's door creaked and Connor slipped in, sitting in the chair by the door and drawing his knees up to his chest. Jude's cheeks flamed and he flopped his head down against his pillow. Connor was supposed to see him as sexy, not as a medical specimen.

Sheila was done quickly and she patted the blankets over Jude. "Don't forget to take your IV with you to the bathroom. Make sure you watch your ribs."

"I will, thank you." Jude held his breath and waiting for her to leave the room, his eyes never leaving Connor's face. Connor's eyes were wide as he cowered against his own legs, staring right back at Jude. Jude hadn't expected him to speak first.

"Are you gonna be okay, Jude?"

Jude nodded. "They want me to stay another day, just in case, but they're not worried."

"Okay. Okay." Connor nodded and his hair flopped around, shorter than Jude remembered and horrendously uneven, like a mirror hadn't been around he'd cut it. It highlighted a thin scar along the edge of Connor's cheek, something new that must have come from whatever put Jude in the hospital. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I don't want to intrude."

"Baby, you're not intruding."

Tears gathered at the bottom of Connor's lids. "Jude, don't call me that."

"I thought you liked it."

"I do but … but … you … I did this to you and y-you can't call me that anymore."

"Connor, what happened? The last thing I _really_ remember is making lunch for your dad but I know you wouldn't have done this."

"You really don't remember?" Connor whispered and Jude shook his head. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."

Connor really started to cry then, falling in on himself.

"Baby, baby, come here," Jude pleaded, though he was fully prepared to stand and go get Connor. He threw back his starchy hospital bedsheets and then Connor was up like a shot, putting the blankets down like he was a nurse.

"No, don't move. Don't hurt yourself."

"Watch my right ribs. Apparently, they're broken."

Connor paled and he quickly moved to fuss with Jude's left side. "Are you in any pain?"

"I'm not _comfortable_ but I don't hurt."

Jude caught Connor's hand as he fidgeted with the blanket. He held it tightly between both of his. He watched Connor's face flare in panic but he didn't pull away. Jude wished he could clear Connor's tears away. Jude knew whatever had happened couldn't have been that bad; Connor was probably overreacting. Jude was _fine_. He was _alive_ , with nothing but two broken ribs. He could have broken his ribs in a hundred different ways, none of them would Connor be at fault for. Jude didn't believe he was to blame for what was happening now. Connor put bugs outside; he would never hurt another person, especially when that person was Jude. Jude was convinced.

Jude lifted Connor's hands to his lips and kissed along his fingers, watching Connor melt. "What happened, baby?"

Connor pulled away and perched on the very edge of Jude's bed. Jude sat up while Connor stared down at his fingers.

"His name was Leigh. I never let myself say it before. It felt like a jinx. But he f-found us." Connor's breath hiccoughed. "We were fine. We were fine and at the grocery store and then you were in the back seat and he was in the front and I thought you were dead!"

Connor hid his head in his hands and he sobbed wildly.

"I couldn't let you die!" Connor screeched. "I couldn't! The whole time, that's all I could think!" His face red and blotchy, Connor gave in and desperately clawed his way up the bed. Jude clutched Connor against him, trying to calm the shaky with little circles rubbed into his back. "That's all I could think the entire time he had me again was not _you_ , _anyone_ but you, that I loved you too much to let it happy to _you!_ "

Jude felt the ocean roar through his ears and he was only vaguely aware of Connor detailing their escape. Had Connor meant that? Did he love him? Or was he just so emotional that it slipped out?

"Wait," Jude said, breaking his own thoughts. "You ran him over?"

Connor nodded, his red eyes staring up at Jude. "He wouldn't move. He was going to hurt you. I had to save you."

 _Say it again_ , Jude thought, but, of course, Connor didn't.

"Where is he now?" Jude asked.

Connor paled and said hurriedly. "I'm not a murderer but … Jude, I am a cheater."

The last part was said so quietly that Jude almost missed it.

"I forgive you."

"You don't even know what I did."

"Tell me," Jude said, "and I'll forgive you."

"I kissed him," Connor admitted. "I might have wanted to do that. And then he made me … made me ... oral sex," Connor finally forced out.

"I forgive you."

"Why?"

Jude should have seen that coming. "If it were anyone else, I wouldn't but you have such a history with him. I know you and I know it was the way that he got to you. I forgive you."

Jude leant his head down, the tip of his nose brushing against Connor's. Connor's eyes flared and he pulled his head away.

"You're too good for me! I shouldn't be here!"

"You should. There's nowhere else you should be. But you need to calm down before a nurse kicks you out. Come cuddle, okay? Just watch my wires."

With a lot of prodding, Connor was under the blanket with him, his head on Jude's shoulder. He could feel his hospital gown getting wet from Connor's tears.

"Baby, I'm okay. You're okay. We're together and okay."

"We're together?"

"Unless you're leaving me again."

"No!" Connor shrieked. " _No_."

"Look at me, baby," Jude murmured, his lips brushing Connor's forehead. Connor peeked up at him. "I love you. I'm always going to love you."

 _Say it again,_ Jude thought, so he could know for sure it wasn't a fluke.

"I don't know if I'll ever understand. I'm sorry I got you hurt."

"I don't blame you. You gave me the choice, remember? You told me this might happen and I chose you. I'm still choosing you."

Connor stared up at him.

"I love your eyes, baby."

That brought a small smile to Connor's face. He put his head back down and he looked almost relaxed, were it not for the little frown between his eyebrows.

"Can I ask you for something? It might be selfish … No, it's definitely too selfish to ask."

"You can't bring it up and then drop it."

"I was going to say that I want you to be the last person I kissed. I was going to ask for you to kiss me. I –"

Whatever Connor had been about to add didn't matter. Jude pressed his lips to Connor's, feeling Connor's soft fingers rest on his cheek. When Jude left the gentle kiss, Connor sighed his name.

"I didn't know what I would do if you didn't wake up," Connor said. "Are you sure your head feels okay?"

"Okay as it gets. Anything about the missing days I should know?"

To Jude's surprise, Connor blushed deep red. "Um, I'll … I'll tell you when our parents aren't in the building."

"Did we have sex and I missed it?" Jude hissed.

"N-no. Not quite."

"But, something," Jude guessed, and Connor nodded. "Show me later?"

"When you're feeling okay. I'm not doing anything that could hurt you."

"Just lay with me, baby. For now, that's all I want."

Connor sniffed and put his head back down on Jude's shoulder.

"And I want to know why moms said you weren't here."

"I just didn't want to shove myself in your space. I didn't want you to hate me. I thought you'd hate me. I couldn't do anything the whole time you were here. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything but think of you. And … and go to therapy," he tacked on.

"Is that good?"

"I think so. I just … thank you for letting me be here."

"I don't want you anywhere else. Take a nap, baby, you do look tired."

"What if you need something?"

"I will wake you up. With kisses. Like you should be woken up."

Connor stared up at him and his lower lip pouted out just enough that Jude knew that something was coming.

"I'm so sorry for what I did with him."

"And, when you're ready for me, it'll be us. When we're ready. Baby, I know you didn't choose what happened with him."

He watched Connor swallow and his eyes half-drifted. "I chose you. You are what matters."

Jude picked up Connor's hand and Connor's thumb rested heavily over the tape holding his IV to his hand. He touched Jude even more gently than he normally did, so that Jude barely felt him at all.

"Did anything happen to you?"

"N-no. N-nothing l-like that. I'm just a m-mental mess," Connor stuttered, even though he swiped at the scar on his cheek.

"It can't be that messy. You're right here." Jude tightened his arms around Connor.

"The worst happened. Here is where I think I'm supposed to be," Connor said. "And here is just where I want to be. As long as you'll let me."

"Always gonna let you," Jude murmured. He rested his head on top of Connor's hair. "Baby, are you going to be offended if I ask about the hair?"

"He liked it short and then he used it against me when it was long and I didn't know what to do so I think I'm just going to have to go bald," Connor said miserably.

"What do you want?"

"I thought I liked it."

"It's about you."

"It's about you. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes," Jude said firmly. "When are you going to believe it?"

"When your ribs stop hurting."

"Which is apparently going to be a million years from now."

"It is. They take a long time."

"I guess you'll just have to kiss all of me better."

Connor pulled his hand out of Jude's to brush the side of Jude's face, pressing his lips to the side of Jude's mouth. Jude closed his eyes and smiled as Connor settled back down against him, neither of them having enough space in the bed to be comfortable, but, for Jude, it was still a weird kind of perfect. He just watched as Connor fell asleep, trembling and twitching. He knew Connor was dreaming and he wondered if he should wake him before his nightmare got worse. His face tightened and Jude finally whispered Connor's name, hoping to wake him a little.

Then, Connor bolted upright, sweaty and crying. Jude reached for him but Connor had keeled over the side of the bed, throwing up in the trash can, sobbing Jude's name so violently that Jude's heart almost broke hearing it. Jude reached over the side of the bed, resting his hand against Connor's shoulder. Connor jumped away from him, falling onto the tile floor.

"Baby," Jude whispered, biting down on the inside of his cheek, trying to force away the pain in his ribs. "Connor, it's okay."

"Jude," Connor whimpered.

"Baby, I'm okay. It's okay. Come here."

Shakily, Connor pulled himself up onto the hospital bed, looking around.

"You were dreaming," Jude promised him. "Just dreaming."

"He was alive. He was here. He was in my face. He came back and you … I just … Not you. I couldn't let it be you."

"It's not," Jude said and he picked up Connor's hands. "I'm here, I'm real, he's not. We're okay, now, right?"

"I don't know."

"We are. I know."

Jude carefully wrapped his arms around Connor and Connor snuggled into him.

They were safe.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Lay Down**_ **by Ella Henderson. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	76. Something To Hold Onto

Connor stared down at the last bit of egg in front of him and then slid it through the syrup left on his plate. He looked up at Adam and then quickly back down again. He felt his heart flutter.

"Are you proud of yourself?" Adam asked. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Dad." It felt false. It was a milestone that he should have reached ages ago. He had gotten his driver's licence and now, in a few hours, he was going to take his first flight, alone. Jude had left last week to go and spend a few weeks recovering at his parents. Connor had to stay behind and he didn't know the last time he had felt so lonely, sitting in his father's house with nothing to do but think about how afraid he was. He was glad to be going home, even if it had meant an emotional goodbye to his mother.

"Is Jude happy that you're going to be home soon?"

Connor nodded. "But, he's still staying with his parents. At least another two weeks. They want to make sure he's taking care of himself, I understand that."

"You'll miss him?"

"I _do_ miss him," Connor corrected. The danger was gone. Jude was not to be hidden, and Connor was going to tell his father the truth.

"I know. I just meant that you'll be closer but he'll still be away and sometimes that's harder."

"Oh. Yeah, it might be. I hadn't thought of it like that." He took the last bite of his late breakfast. "I'm sorry I didn't get to meet Rachel. I know you really wanted me to do that."

"There's always next time. She wanted us to have some time together after what happened. But, um, we've been talking a little about Christmas and perhaps going to see you. Depending on where she and I are at and what you and Jude are doing."

"Thank you. That would be nice."

Christmas with Jude. An actual Christmas with Jude. It sounded so nice. Maybe they would get to have a Christmas morning together. Maybe they would put up a tree. Was that too much? Maybe it was too domestic and too fast because of that. But, maybe, it would also be perfect.

"Dad, you know Jude and I aren't living together, right?"

"Connor, I'm smarter than that. If you need me to pay for the room for another year or so, that's fine. Your comfort comes first and if you need somewhere to run to, that's okay. I'm sure Jude more than understands it too."

"More than you know," Connor murmured. "He … He didn't officially ask or anything so it's not living together."

"Okay but don't be afraid to tell me when it's official. You shared a bed while he was here. I've been there."

"Dad!" Connor said and he hid his face in his hands. It could be said that they had become closer since the incident but that didn't mean that Connor was comfortable yet with how their relationship had changed. He was sure that it could be a good thing, someday, but he didn't think now was it. He felt his face go red – was that really his father's business? But Stef and Lena had bought them condoms. Maybe it was just what parents did. How would Connor know? "Um, Jude and I aren't … We haven't done that …"

"Oh." Adam cleared his throat and everything felt more awkward since Connor could feel his father's uneasiness. "Sorry, I just assumed."

"Dr. Scott and I have talked about it a lot."

"Why is your sex life a topic of discussion?" Adam asked, and Connor didn't know whether to laugh or cry about the ignorance of that statement.

"Dad, the situation I was in before Jude …" Connor leant the words drop and he saw Adam pale.

"God, Connor, I'm so sorry. I didn't think –"

"You know," Connor said carefully, "it's almost better that you didn't. I don't want to be defined by that anymore."

"You are much more than that and I'm proud of you."

"Thanks," Connor whispered. "That means a lot to me."

"And, for the record, I do really like Jude."

"Even though he yelled at you the morning of the attack?"

"I think I like him all the more for it," Adam revealed. "Come on, I better get the bill. We don't want you to miss your flight."

Connor nodded and he bit down on his lip as his father flagged down a waitress. He wasn't going to see his father again until Christmas. No matter what else had happened this trip, he felt like he and Adam were better for it. He felt like he and his father were closer and he felt, through all the time that he and Adam had ended up spending with Jude and his mothers, that Adam really did understand him a lot better. He was a lot closer to the relationship he wanted from his father than he had been when he and Jude had landed here. Connor didn't say a word about it as they left the restaurant and he just made the effort for small talk as Adam took him to the airport. Adam walked him inside and together they checked his bag. They approached the security line and that was when Connor hesitated.

"What is it? Did you forget something? I might be able to book a last-minute ticket if you've changed your mind about going alone."

"No, that's not it. I just wanted to say thank you. You've been a really great father and I … Thank you." His words failed him and Connor leant forward, quickly giving Adam a hug.

"I love you, Connor."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hefted his back pack over his shoulder, took a deep breath, and then he walked through security.

It was time to go home.

(-.-)

Connor neatly made up Jude's bed, even though it hadn't been all that messy. He had slept there alone, which was even harder than Connor had imagined it to be and he had imagined it to be very difficult. It was worse knowing that it was his first night back last night and Jude hadn't been here to greet him. He had entertained the idea of going to his much-neglected dorm room but, somehow, that thought had hurt more. Connor made himself an egg for breakfast, thinking that he would have to do some real grocery shopping soon. Perhaps he would do some to kill the time between now and when he went to visit Jude. He really needed something to keep his mind off of it. Not that he wasn't excited to see Jude again; he just wasn't excited about getting there.

Jude was staying at home with his parents, which meant that Gerald had been peacefully sitting in Jude's driveway since they had left to visit Adam. Connor was now the proud owner of a full licence and Jude had given him full permission to drive Gerald down. Connor had protested it when Jude had mentioned it on the phone last night, but Jude had just laughed it off. _"I think I told you before that he's an old car. Also, I've seen you drive. You've driven me home from Moms before! I'm not worried."_

But just because Jude wasn't worried didn't mean that Connor wasn't.

He put his breakfast dishes away in the dishwasher and dressed. He fixed up the bed again, straightening Ameplos from where he had tipped over.

Anxious. He felt anxious.

So anxious that when his phone beeped at him, Connor jumped as if it had been a gunshot. He exhaled slowly and approached his cell phone with caution, even though he knew it was ridiculous. His phone wasn't going to bite him.

 **Jude: When are you coming to see me?**

 **Connor: when do you want me to?**

 **Jude: an hour ago?**

 **Connor: That's impossible**

 **Jude: an hour from now?**

 **Connor: You know how slow I drive.**

The phone in his hand started ringing loudly and Connor stared down at the call screen, startled, before he lifted it to his ear.

"Jude?"

"Baby, just get here. I want to kiss you."

"I want to kiss you too," Connor replied.

'Then speed on your way here."

"I can't do that!"

"Your version of speeding is going the speed limit."

There was some truth to those weirds but Connor still tried not to make a face. He was sure that, somehow, Jude would be able to sense it if he did. Instead, Connor seriously said, "I won't speed."

"Not even for me?"

"No. I don't want to get in a car accident. I want to make it to you in one piece."

"Oh, now you're being cute about it so I can't even whine."

"I'll be there soon," Connor promised. "I'll leave as soon as we hang up."

"Are you nervous about driving?"

"Yeah. I've never driven by myself before," Connor said. "What if something happens?"

"It won't. You said you'd make it to me in one place. You have to keep your promise, baby."

"I will."

"Oh, and, maybe pack a bag."

"Why? Why do I need a bag?"

"You might not but, you know, just in case you get too nervous and want to spend the night with me."

Connor laughed. "You're convincing, you know that."

"I know."

"I won't need the bag."

"We'll see," Jude sang under his breath.

Connor packed a small bag anyway. He would leave it in the trunk; he wouldn't let himself be tempted. Even if Jude was tempted.

"I'm walking out the door," Connor said.

"I love you."

"See you soon."

Connor took his time fussing with the bag in his trunk before finally sliding in the driver's seat. He looked over to the passenger seat. He would much rather be there. Jude looked better in the driver's seat; it fit him better. Connor knew that he had to do it, though. It was the only way he was going to see Jude. So, he finally turned the car on and backed out into the road. He drove slowly. He would have liked to have music playing but he also knew that it would be distracting and he was too worried about distractions now. He was focused. He was going to stay sharp. It was exhausting, trying to pay attention to every little thing around him. He wondered how other people did it all the time. He was so relieved when he turned into Jude's neighbourhood. When he got into the Adams-Fosters' driveway, he turned the car off and exhaled heavily, resting his forehead against the steering wheel. He had made it. Alive. It took him well over the hour that it usually took Jude, but he was here.

He opened the door and stepped out, taking a deep breath of the thick, summer air. He took a few steps toward the house and then he heard a high, female voice call his name. Connor turned slowly. Taylor. Somehow, she looked even worse than the last time he had seen her.

"I heard there was an accident. Is Jude okay?"

Connor bit his lip and glanced at the house but nothing moved, as if there were no one home at all. He scrambled around in his brain. He didn't know what the right thing to do here was.

"You shouldn't be here," he finally said.

"I'm just worried about him." Taylor rocked back on her heels. "I'm his best friend."

"Were," Connor said, softly, as if that would make it hurt less.

"Jude gets mad. He has a temper, sometimes. It's fine."

"It's not fine," Connor said. "He needs you to go away. He needs to heal. He's told you this before."

Taylor shrugged. "Sometimes Jude needs help. I'm here to help. Is he okay?"

"You need to listen to him."

Taylor took another step forward and Connor saw the top of something poke out of her shorts: a small plastic bottle, with a red top.

"I will tell you he's fine. I'll also tell you that he'll do better if you listen and give him space. You need to accept what you've done."

"I never meant to hurt him."

Connor could hear the tears building in her voice and he felt guilty for thinking that he'd rather be safely inside when she started crying.

"I know but you did. You need to away. You need to heal. He needs to heal. That's all that can happen now."

"I am going away! They _are_ going to send me to prison!" Taylor exclaimed. "Tell Jude I'm sorry."

"It's not going to matter," Connor said honestly. Then, before she could speak again, Connor bolted into the house. He shut the door behind him and exhaled heavily.

"Connor?"

Jude's voice calmed his racing heart. Connor turned into the living room, wanting nothing more than to lay down next to him, figure out how to get his arms around Jude without hurting him. But when he surveyed the scene, he realized Jude wasn't alone. He was sitting on one end of the couch with Dylan sitting on the other. They were smiling, their feet touching, and Connor didn't want to feel jealous but he did.

"Hey, baby. How was your drive?"

"Fine. Um, I need water. Do either of you want a drink?"

"That'd be great," Jude said, while Dylan shook his head and thanked him.

Connor rushed into the kitchen and poured two glasses, his hands shaking. He didn't know Dylan was here. It shouldn't throw him off this much. It probably wouldn't have, if Taylor hadn't have been waiting on the lawn to ambush someone, but she was and Dylan was here and Connor needed to get some kind of control back. He counted the seconds of his breaths until his heart was somewhat normal and he knew Jude would wonder what was taking so long to get water. He took the glasses out and left them on the coffee table. He sank to the floor and rested his head against Jude's hip and closed his eyes. He knew it was rude but he just couldn't bring himself to do anything else.

"Are you worried about your dad?" Jude asked but Connor knew the question wasn't for him.

"Always. He goes through good stages and bad stages. Right now, is one of his good stages, which is almost worse. At least when it's bad, you know what's happening. When it's good, you're just holding your breath and waiting for it to end."

Connor peeked an eye open at Dylan, feeling, maybe for the first time, that he understood him.

"He thinks the move will be good for him," Dylan added. "I don't know about that but I think, no matter what, it'll be good for Mom."

"Are you going somewhere?" Connor asked.

"Dad wants me to go back to school in the fall and so he and Mom are moving to Chicago with me. Beginning of next week. It'll give us the rest of the summer to get settled, meet Dad's new doctors, and hopefully show them around."

"And Dylan gets to see Ben sooner," Jude added, and Connor could hear the innuendo in his tone.

"I am jumping him the minute I see him," Dylan said, somewhat wistfully.

"Even if your parents are there?" Jude asked.

"Dad would just laugh at me. Mom's a little too conservative about PDA, but you know that."

"Holding hands and kisses are the cheek were fine," Jude informed Connor. "Anything else was a scandal."

"Inside the house, she didn't care, but she was a prom queen so I think she just got trapped in the 'protect your reputation' mindset."

"It sounds like it could be heard to live with."

"Not really. She's great. And I should be home packing with her," Dylan said. "I just wanted to say goodbye, Jude. I probably won't get to see you much anymore."

"We'll still have Facebook," Jude quipped.

Connor watched Dylan lean forward and squeeze Jude's hand.

"It was nice to meet you, Connor."

"You too," Connor said, and he tried to mean it. "I hope you're happy in Chicago, Dylan."

"Thanks."

Dylan leant over the back of the couch to kiss Jude's cheek. Connor bit down on the inside of his lip as Jude kissed him back and then Dylan was out the door. Connor sighed and let his head flop down against Jude's stomach, hiding his face in Jude's shirt. Jude's hand lightly fell between his shoulder blades.

"Dylan bother you that much?"

"No."

"Then come up here and kiss me. You did say you were going to kiss me."

"I might have made a mistake," Connor whispered. "And I need to know what you think before I let you kiss me."

"What mistake did you make?" Jude asked, sounding too nice. Connor took a deep breath and told Jude every detail from his encounter with Taylor that he could, and then he held his breath until Jude lifted his hand to kiss it. "You were nicer to her than I probably would have been but you didn't say anything I wouldn't have. Now, come here and kiss me?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"Where are Stef and Lena?" Connor asked, picking up his head.

"They went out to get coffee and grocery shop so Dylan and I could have some time alone. Or so you and I could have some time alone. Whatever. Come here."

Careful of Jude's ribs, Connor climbed over him and settled against the back of the couch. Jude didn't let him get far, though, and his lips were on Connor's before Connor was sure he was ready for them to be. He inhaled sharply and softly kissed Jude back but he knew Jude could sense a hesitation. Jude's lips left his and Jude peeked up at Jude's eyes, hardly able to meet his gaze because of it's the intensity.

"What is it?" Jude asked.

"I don't want to hurt you," Connor said. "I know you're still hurt."

"My lips aren't a problem."

There had been a tube down Jude's throat. Connor had seen it, the one time that he had peeked in the hospital room, before Stef and Lena had arrived. There had been tape around his mouth to hold it in place. Jude had seemed hurt all over. Even if the doctors were mostly concerned about his head and his broken ribs, there had been tubes and machine and an army of people going in and out in order to keep an eye on him. No matter what kind of pain Jude had actually been in, it had seemed like he should be in pain from head to toe.

"I can't hurt you at all," Connor whimpered.

"It's just my ribs. You can touch me everywhere else."

Jude picked up Connor's hand, running it across his cheeks before kissing Connor's knuckles. Connor managed a chuckle before Jude drew his hand down, across his collarbone and down his chest. Connor knew where Jude was headed and he resisted the urge to pull his hand away. Jude trusted him, he trusted Jude. Even if his stomach did turn inside out when Jude rested his hands along his injured side.

"This is where I hurt. I know what I can and can't do. I _can_ kiss you, so, you can kiss me."

Jude's eyes were smoldering and he was so hard to refuse. Connor didn't _want_ to refuse but there was still his singular thread of worry. "I want to protect you, Jude."

"You did protect me, baby. You saved my life."

"I put you in danger."

"I _chose_ the risk. We've been over this."

"I know, I know." Connor shook his head. "But I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think you can understand, Jude, because you'll never have to see me like that and I can't stop seeing you like that." Connor reached up, lightly touching the top of Jude's head, feeling the scabbing hidden beneath Jude's thick brown hair. "You looked like you were really about to die."

"But I didn't. I'm fine. I'm _lucky_." Jude grinned at him, innocent and heart-stopping all at once. "The doctor said so. I'm _lucky_ , all because I have a boyfriend like you."

"You really don't think I'm a curse or something?" Connor asked nervously.

" _Baby_ ," Jude said sternly and he gave Connor's chest a poke for every word of, "Third best thing that's ever happened to me."

Connor had to look away from the intensity on Jude's face.

"Do you know what the third thing is?" Jude prodded.

"Me," Connor whispered, shyly peeking at Jude, who cupped a hand around his ear. Connor felt his cheeks go hot as he raised his voice to say, "It's me."

"It's you," Jude said.

And it was Jude. It was supposed to be Jude. Connor knew that now. For years, he'd been wrong. _So wrong._ Misguided, bullied, and scared, thinking that Leigh was the right one and making himself fit that mold.

"You have to tell me the second anything hurts," Connor said.

"Pinkie promise."

Connor curled his little finger around Jude's and then fully held his hand, pressing it into the couch beside Jude's head. Carefully, he directed Jude until he was flat on his back and then he gently slid himself between Jude's legs. Jude's legs came up around his waist and Jude let out a sharp inhale. Connor quickly pushed himself up on his arms, hovering over Jude's body.

"That was my fault, not yours," Jude said. "I moved too fast. That's all."

Connor felt Jude's hands on his lower back, pushing gently. Connor gave in, dropping his body back against Jude's. Jude's legs moved slowly back up, wrapping around Connor's legs. Jude's free hand reached up to the front of Connor's shirt. He pulled at the fabric of Connor's shirt until Connor gave in and his lips met Jude's softly. He was scared to kiss Jude. He knew he was scared to kiss Jude but not scared like he was the first time that they had kissed – that little, fluttery movement that could hardly be called a kiss but that Connor had spent days thinking about. He just didn't want to hurt his boyfriend. Jude was too good for that and Connor didn't want Jude to look at him and think of pain, not since they had gotten back together.

Jude kissed him like Jude wasn't thinking of his ribs. Jude kissed him like things were normal. His hips ghosted Connor's but a weak noise escaped him at the movement. Connor backed off again. He couldn't tell if the noise was one of pleasure or pain and he couldn't take the risk that it was the latter. He also hated the thought that he couldn't tell the difference. He should be able to know. He reached his hand up, stroking Jude's hair again. Jude hummed softly and his eyes opened slowly.

"You're too scared."

"I'm sorry."

"Lay with me, then. Just lay with me."

Connor rolled back into his spot on the couch, turning on his side and trying to make himself as small as possible so that Jude wouldn't have to turn and stretch out his side. Connor knew how painful healing ribs could be. He knew how long it would last. He carefully put his hand along Jude's chest, curling it around his shoulder.

"It's okay, baby."

"It's not," Connor said, an unsettled feeling deep in his chest. "But it will be."

"I'll take it," Jude said, squeezing Connor's side. "You know, I love you."

"I know," Connor said, the words making him even more breathless than usual. "You're my favourite person, Jude."

Jude smiled at him, beautiful as always, and then kissed him on the forehead. Connor rested his head against Jude and closed his eyes.

They were safe.

(-.-)

"No, Dad, I'm not talking and driving. I can barely drive and drive. I'm sitting in Stef's and Lena's driveway. I just got here when you called."

"I see. Is it kind of late to visit?"

"No. It was just a spur of the moment thing. I was supposed to come visit tomorrow but Jude asked me to come."

"Ah. How's Jude?"

"He's good," Connor said. "He's healing as expected. He's getting a little restless at his moms', though. They want him to stay another week. They're worried about him on his own."

"Is he going to?"

"Yes," Connor said. "It's one week and after what happened with his sister, he just can't say no to them right now."

"Even though he won't really be alone," Adam said, and Connor was floored to realize that his father was _teasing_ him. He and Adam had made it to a place where Adam _teased_ him! About his boyfriend! A warm feeling came over Connor; people didn't tease that nicely about things that they hated, either. "Or do Stef and Lena not realize how much time you spend there?"

"I don't know if Jude's ever explicitly told them but it's not a secret and he doesn't keep secrets from them. They probably know."

Connor squinted at the house; he thought he had seen someone's face in the window but it had been such a quick flash that he wasn't sure who it had been.

"How have you been on your own?"

"I don't _like_ it but I can do it. I find the easiest thing is for me to make a plan, every night, for what to do the next day. It keeps me from feeling lost and I think that's the part I hate the most. At least with Jude, there's a person. There's something to do and someone to talk to."

"Have you thought about talking to Jake again?"

"I have," Connor admitted. "I made a resolution about it with Dr. Scott, actually. I am going to message him at the beginning of the new school year. It will give me the summer to heal and figure out the best way to explain myself to him and figure out what the best way to go about repairing the friendship is. I hope he'll talk to me again. I'd even like to see his friend, Alex, again. I feel like we could have gotten to know each other better to. If not, there's always classes and other people to really try with. I think I'm going to try and find a baseball team to play on this year too. I want to have a life. And, maybe, next summer, if everything's okay, I want to try and find a part time job."

"You don't need to rush. Take the time you need."

"I know and thank you for supporting me. I just … I feel for the first time that I can have a future. A real one. One that's _mine_ that _I_ decided on. And I want it, Dad, I want it so bad."

"That's what I want for you," Adam said, "but, it's just like I told you before. Don't get in your own way. Going too fast or too slow can be the same thing."

"Thanks, Dad. I'll remember that."

Adam cleared his throat. "One more question, before I let you go."

"Anything, Dad."

"I know this might be premature but I'm asking as a serious question: in this future, where do you think Jude is?"

"With me," Connor said. "But I don't think it's a fair question."

"Why?"

"Things are good between Jude and me. The feelings that we have are strong. You don't want to picture it ending." To emphasis his point, Connor asked, "How's Rachel?"

"She's great," Adam said. "And I understand. I love you, Connor. Give Jude my best."

"I will. Thanks, Dad, you too."

Connor hung up the phone and headed in the house.

"Hi, Connor!"

"Hi, Lena," Connor said, poking his head into the living room. It was here he'd expected to find Jude but his boyfriend was nowhere in sight. "How are you?"

"Catching up on my reading," Lena said, lifting the novel. _To Kill A Mockingbird,_ Connor read. "Have you ever read it?"

"No," Connor admitted. "I've heard it's good."

"It is. If you ever get the chance, you should take a look."

"I will. Thank you for the recommendation." Connor awkwardly scuffed his foot along the floor. Was it rude to ask where Jude was?

"He's up in his room with Jesus," Lena said, saving him from his own awkwardness.

"Thanks."

Connor shifted his bag on his shoulder and ascended the stairs, knocking on Jude's partially open door.

"Come in," Jude called. Connor stepped in, his gaze finding Jude's face before looking at anything else in the room. He was sitting on his made bed, propped up against his pillows. "Hey, baby."

"Hi." Connor finally glanced over to Jesus, leaning against the opposite wall. "Hi."

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, sure," Connor agreed, but he didn't know if he could have said anything else. Connor lowered himself on the end of Jude's bed, feeling Jude's toes poke into his tailbone. He reached behind him and cupped Jude's foot in his hand.

"Jesus, drop it," Jude warned, but he just sounded tired, not angry.

"No, no," Jesus said. "He agreed. It's a harmless question."

"It's a stupid question," Jude said, "but, you know, if this will make you drop it."

"Connor, you like guys, right?"

He glanced at Jude, who was half-shaking his head and half-laughing and then he looked back at Jesus. In a deadpan, he answered, "No."

Jude cracked up and his foot pulled so insistently at Connor's side until Jude slid up the bed with him. Connor let Jude put an arm around his shoulders.

"I think you were right," Connor said to Jude. "It was a stupid question."

"That wasn't my question," Jesus protested. "It was the question before the question."

"Okay."

"Do you find me attractive?" Jesus asked, dramatically gesturing to himself.

Connor cocked his head to the side. "Well, objectively or personally?"

"What do you mean?"

"Objectively speaking, I wouldn't have to be into men to answer that. I wouldn't date a woman but I can still say whether or not she's objectively attractive. I wouldn't find her _personally_ attractive. I wouldn't say I find you personally attractive but, objectively, yes. You're attractive."

Jude was still laughing while Jesus was squinting at him.

"So, you wouldn't date me?" Jesus asked.

"I didn't say that."

"You'd date my _brother_?!" Jude exclaimed.

"I didn't say that!" Connor said. "It just wasn't a question that was ever asked of me! Also, your attractiveness has no bearing on whether or not I'd date you."

"You _are_ dating Jude," Jesus mused. "So, why did you say 'yes' to going on a date with him?"

"I _am_ attracted to him," Connor stressed. "Also … I …"

"Baby, you don't know why we're dating?"

"No, he asked specifically about me going on a date with you and I was just trying to think of the first date I actually said 'yes' to."

"Weekend date," Jude said. "First time I called it a date before we were actually on it."

"I'm getting a cavity," Jesus griped. "Also, we're getting off the subject. Make goo-goo eyes at each other later."

"You're turning into Mariana, you know that?" Jude asked.

"Take that back."

"No."

"Take it back!"

"No! Hey, can't touch me! I'm broken!"

Connor clenched Jude's hand and prepared to jump between he and Jesus but Jesus backed off with a roll of his eyes.

"It doesn't matter how attractive you are. It's not going to make someone say 'yes' to going out with you," Connor said.

"But I'm hotter than her boyfriend," Jesus said.

Connor gaped helplessly at Jesus and then he turned to stare at Jude.

"She has a boyfriend! You're gross, get out!" Jude said.

"But –"

"Out. Or I will rat out your gross-ness to Moms."

"All right, all right, I'm out. But, don't forget the upstairs rule."

"I'm an adult!"

"Don't be gross," Jesus sang on his way out.

"Sorry, about him," Jude murmured and he gently kissed the side of Connor's neck. "He kind of ambushed you."

"It was fine. It was …" Connor turned his head to look at Jude.

"It was what?"

"Nothing." Connor rested his head on Jude's shoulder. "I miss having you home. It's lonely at night. When I go to sleep, I tell myself you're just at work and I'll wake up with you there but I don't and I miss you. It's harder to remember you're okay when you're so far away."

Jude's hand rubbed his side. "I miss you too. I'll be home in a week and I'm going to keep you here so late that you're not going to want to drive home."

"I thought you were going to stop conning me."

"I never promised that," Jude said. "And this was an obvious con so you could have avoided it."

"I miss you and you're using it against me," Connor sulked.

"Yeah but only because I miss you," Jude said, so sweetly that Connor forgave him and tried to stop sulking. "How was driving at night?"

"Fine. Terrifying. Fine."

Jude laughed. "Come to bed with me."

"I barely saw Lena, I didn't see Stef, it would be so rude of me to –"

"Just lay down with me. I'm tired."

Connor always gave into him when he used that voice. Jude splayed flat on his back, one hand behind his head. Connor carefully put his head down on Jude's arm and tucked himself around Jude's uninjured side. He slid his head down and listened to Jude's heartbeat, strong and steady under his ear. It was his favourite sound. He closed his eyes and let the sound lull him. When it came time to say goodnight to Stef and Lena, he half-stumbled his way through it, feeling almost like he was sedated. He came out of the bathroom with his teeth brushed and his pyjamas on, only to find Jude lying upside down in bed.

"Are you sure your parents will be okay with us sharing a bed?"

"Mhm. But Mom said to remind you the walls are thin," Jude whispered.

Connor nodded solemnly and sat down beside Jude on the bed. "Why'd you move the pillows down here?"

"It's so I can lay on my side and you can hold me the way you always do when we go to bed."

Connor grinned and climbed over Jude against the wall. "I don't want to hurt you."

"I'll let you know if you get close, okay, but first, look at me. There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Something serious?"

"Maybe. Depends on how you take it."

"I don't like the sound of that at all."

"No," Jude said, smirking, "you wouldn't."

Connor propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Jude. "So, are you going to keep me in suspense or are you going to tell me?"

"It's more of a question that I know you're going to want to talk about."

"Jude!" Connor whined, impatiently tapping at his boyfriend's stomach. "Come on!"

"Okay, okay," Jude said. "Baby, why don't you move in with me?"

"What?"

"Why don't you move in with me?" Jude repeated. "I think it would make sense. You're always there, you _like_ it there because you live there even when I don't, more than half of your stuff is there anyway, and I don't even know when the last time you were in your room was! So, what's the point?"

Connor had to look away from Jude's face. "You know, my dad asked me if we were living together earlier."

"Is that a good or bad thing?" Jude asked and he sounded hopeful.

"I don't know. We haven't even been together a year yet – since the first one anyway. Why rush?"

"I don't know if this counts as a rush. It's just natural. It's just what should happen next for us. It's not that big of a change and then we're … good. Set, stable."

"Until you graduate and I'm left behind. Until we break up and everything is yours. Until something happens and I have nothing. Until I'm stuck."

"Hey, I'm not going to leave you with nothing, not even when I graduate. I am here for you, I am yours, this is a _relationship._ I don't want you to feel stuck and I never want to leave you behind."

"I know you don't _want_ to but that doesn't mean something won't happen and you _won't._ "

Connor sneaked a glance back at Jude, heartbroken by the look on his face.

"Baby, do you really trust me that little?"

"It's not about you."

"Let it be!" Jude implored. "Just you and me. Tell me you don't want to. Tell me it's about you."

"I can't," Connor whispered. "I can't. If I had my way, I'd move in, no thoughts twice but if I had it my way, I'd do a lot with you and never look back."

Connor sighed and flopped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. The bed wasn't that big and he could feel Jude next to him doing the same thing. He sought out Jude's hand and held tightly to him. He let his eyes half-drift.

"But I can't let go and not because of my past or what happened to me. I can't let go because _I_ am just scared. I don't want to be but I am. I like the thought that my room is there if something happens. I still have a place to go. A place that is all mine versus all yours."

"Do you want to find a new place, together?" Jude suggested. "Two bedrooms. You can have your own room. Even if we sleep together, there will still be a place that's yours and if we pick it out together, maybe it'll feel like ours to you. I want it to feel like ours."

"I love your apartment, Jude, and I feel like I have a place there. I know I have a place there. It's just …"

Connor closed his eyes, feeling a lump develop in his throat. He could see images in his head: he and Jude together, at Christmas, decorating the apartment together. He could see New Years as they watched the ball drop together and got their first New Years kiss. He could see waking up to Jude's face every morning, all of the knick-knacks that he owned cluttered around Jude's family photos and all of his clothes nestled in their own drawers, opposite Jude's.

"I have a place there but there's so much you there. You don't even have the drawer space for all of my shirts and pants."

"We'll go thrift store shopping. We'll get another set of drawers – a tall dresser. It'll fit perfectly between my dresser and the bookshelf. There is room for you. You fit."

"We met last September."

"We did."

"Maybe we do a trial run." Connor swallowed hard, feeling the lump in his throat start to fade. It was the right decision. It felt like the right words to say.

"Yeah? How's that work?"

Connor stared up at the ceiling again. "Well, I'll move my things in and keep my room. If I can go … the term without going back or feeling like I have to go back, I'll give it up. If I can't, then we just restart the clock until we're ready."

"Is it going to be like this forever?" Jude asked. "Me being ready before you?"

"Probably," Connor said, and he was relieved when Jude smiled. "What?"

"Just glad you're being honest."

"I want to be, with you." Connor rolled back onto his side and looked down at Jude again. He placed his hand on Jude's chest and rubbed his thumb across it. "I also talked to Dad about my future."

"What about it?"

"What I want from it, now that I can have one. I mean, _really_ have one. I can heal. I can get a job and do things. Go places. I can learn to stop being scared."

"So, what's in your future?"

"I already told you, once. Do you remember?" Connor met Jude's gaze, hoping that he did.

"Sure, it was very romantic. You said 'for the foreseeable future', I'm in it."

"I still mean that. I see you there. More … more almost every time I look at you," Connor whispered.

"Connor," Jude said.

"What?"

"You're going to kiss me now, okay?"

"Okay."

Connor leant over Jude and pressed his lips to his boyfriends. Jude's fingers grasped the front of his shirt and held on tightly. Connor's body lined up tight to the side of Jude's and he gingerly slid his arm across Jude's torso, his fingers sliding under Jude's shirt. One of Jude's legs slid underneath his own and Jude tugged him closer. Connor wanted to be closer. His arms hurt so bad; he wanted to wrap them around Jude and hold him until they were both breathless, but he couldn't, because he heard the soft squeak of Jude's side paining him and he backed away quickly.

"Connor," Jude complained.

"You said the walls are thin," Connor said. "And I don't want to hurt you."

"I just want this rib thing to be over."

"Six weeks to six months," Connor cited. "Closer to six weeks if you behave."

"But I don't want to. It's more fun when we don't."

"Your mothers."

"I can't wait to go home."

"One week," Connor said soothingly. "It's time to go to sleep, I think."

"Okay," Jude agreed. "I love you, baby."

"You're my favourite person," Connor answered and he felt his hear speed up in his chest. It almost felt like a lie now. After – He stopped his thoughts. He'd promised himself he wasn't going to think of it. Not now, at least. He had the time. He leant forward and kissed Jude's forehead softly. Jude hummed happily and then carefully turned on his side. Connor put his arm low on Jude's waist avoiding the ribs that he knew were injured, and then he snuggled his face against the back of Jude's neck.

It was normal. It was perfect.

It was right.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Something To Hold Onto**_ **by Allie Moss.** **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	77. Heart And Mind

He was suffocating. Suffocating and dying and he hoped it was true. He'd be safe; he'd be with his mom. It was the first time he'd ever looked up at his boyfriend's face and ever really hoped to leave. It was easier to think about a different life when they were apart but when they were together, it was impossible to forget why he worshipped the ground Leigh walked on. Even when his face was clouded with anger and there was a rage in his eyes – the likes of which Connor had never seen before. Black edges and stars danced across his vision and Connor struggled to take one more breath because – no matter times he lived through it – he was scared of the darkness taking over. There was hardly anything left to see – just the patch of hair that fell across Leigh's sweat dampened forehead.

Then the world went askew. There was a noise; a sound that wasn't supposed to be there because Connor knew the script. There was just supposed to be darkness and then relief and then he was allowed to wake up. There was not supposed to be a noise. There wasn't supposed to be anything. Nothing was supposed to make Leigh turn his head and then stand; the black wasn't supposed to start fading, allowing his vision to return. Leigh took a heavy step and a force that wasn't Connor himself turned his head so he could follow Leigh's every movement as he aggressively staggered toward the doorway where Jude was standing, just looking at Connor as if he didn't see Leigh at all. And Connor had to warn him! But he couldn't move, couldn't speak, until Leigh was close enough to Jude to reach out and –

Connor bolted upright in bed, covered in a cold sweat that made him feel like his bones were rattling. Connor wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the curtains he'd kept tightly shut around Jude's bed.

"Leigh is dead," he said aloud. Dr. Scott said _saying_ things would help him believe in them. "Leigh is dead and Jude is safe."

Connor knew exactly where Jude was. It was too early for him to be awake and so he would be splayed out in his small bed at Stef's and Lena's, his long legs nearly hanging over the end. His hair would be rumpled and messy and his shirt had probably ridden halfway up his body by now. It would be a beautiful sight, were he there, but he wasn't.

"Jude's coming home today."

Connor's voice bounced back to him and he couldn't help but smile. He knew how excited Jude was and that just fueled the feelings inside of Connor. He would get to see Jude today; he would get to hold him tight and not get that self-conscious feeling that he did every time he thought about the fact that Stef and Lena were in the next room. Connor slid from bed, ready to get his day started. He couldn't just sit around and wait for Jude, he had to do something. Jude wasn't supposed to home until early afternoon he was dropped off by Stef and Lena. Connor needed something to fill his hours.

He made himself breakfast with the groceries he'd bought last night. He ate quickly and then jumped in the shower, thinking about what he could do for Stef and Lena while they were here. Cookies! He had the things for chocolate chip cookies. Connor started on them as soon as he was out of the shower and dressed, but they didn't take as much time as he'd been hoping they would and, before he knew it, he was making up the bed, not just in the organization that Jude liked, but so that it would be presentable for Stef and Lena. He took out the first batch of cookies and put the second batch in before he actively went looking for things to dust. The problem was that there wasn't a lot of cleaning to do. He was used to keeping a clean house and there had been a lot of free time on his hands recently. He had nothing to do but over-clean things. He wondered if Jude's sink had ever been so shiny.

Though, he supposed, he shouldn't just be thinking of it as _Jude's_ sink anymore. It was supposed to be their sink. He was supposed to be moving in and thinking of this as his only place. It shouldn't be so scary; his dorm room only rarely crossed his mind now when he was on campus for a few hours and he needed a place to study that wasn't the library. It wasn't a good enough reason to justify keeping the room and, if even Adam thought they were living together, it could be argued that it was the best idea. Connor rinsed the last of the cleaner out of _their_ sink and then carefully washed his hands so that he would be safe to move the cookies over to the cooling racks.

He abandoned his task early when his cell phone vibrated.

 **Jude: I should be there around 1!**

 **Connor: I'll be here!**

Just over two hours. He felt too antsy. He couldn't just sit and watch TV but there was nothing more to do here. He had a car; he had the whole world open to him, but there was nothing that he wanted to go do and there was nothing that he had to go and do. He finished up with his cookies and covered them with a thin tea towel, just in case a fly managed to get in. Then, he made a split-second decision, gathered up the car keys and the few bags that Jude had in his house, and went out the door. He and Jude were supposed to go and clean out his dorm room this weekend, together, but Connor was restless and he had hours to kill. He and Jude could go thrift store shopping for the dresser he'd been promised. It would be more fun than Jude watching him pitifully pack his few belongings to be shipped back to the apartment.

Connor locked the front door. Jude's apartment was homier than his dorm room but that wasn't a hard thing to admit. Connor had always claimed that. Connor had never lived somewhere where _ours_ was part of the title. He had lived in his _parents'_ house, then his _father's_ house, and then _Leigh's_ house. He'd stayed in Jude's apartment enough for it to feel like _Jude's_ apartment. He had lived there for years; the small basement held his essence, a _something_ that reflected Jude. As Connor slowly turned toward campus, he wondered if there was a way to transition to about thinking _ours_. He knew he couldn't ask Jude. Well, he could in the sense that nothing was stopping him, but what would come of it? Jude would be sweet and comforting but he wouldn't have any more answers than Connor did.

Connor parked Gerald in the lot, flipped Jude's student pass onto the dash, and then slid out of the car. He gathered the bags, triple-checked that the car was locked, and then he headed up the stairs to his room. When he let himself inside, the smell of must nearly overwhelmed him. He pulled his things inside, locked the door, and went to open the window, letting the heated summer breeze rush into the room. Then, he turned and looked around him. Did he only take what he thought he might need or did he take it all? It only took him a moment to decide that he should clear out the room. He was supposed to be acting like his room wasn't an option at all; it was his idea – he should know the rules. Connor slowly began to pack and clean what he was able. He was systematically going through every nook and cranny, making sure he was leaving nothing of himself behind. That, he decided, was step one of the transition to ours. It meant not having a _his_ , however little the dorm room had felt like his.

He was sweating slightly and zipping the last bag when his phone vibrated. Connor picked up his phone and read Jude's text.

 **Jude: Baby, I'm home, but where are you?**

Connor smiled and typed out his reply.

(-.-)

 **Connor: I'll be home soon. Ten minutes. Promise.**

Jude grinned and grabbed a stack of three cookies from the warmer. He'd packed a Tupperware container full of them for Stef and Lena to take home but he was still left with more than Connor would probably help him eat. He flopped down on the couch and groaned as his ribs shook inside his body. Sometimes, he thought he was fine. Other times, he thought he was too fine and ended up being reminded otherwise in painful ways. Jude stretched out on the couch, taking a large bite of one of the cookies and flicking the TV on.

He loved the feeling of being home. When he had first started living alone, he had felt lonely. He was used to _noise_ ; he was used to brothers, sisters, parents, and the friends of all of them. He had borderline hated it. He felt isolated, especially when he struggled to find friends. The people he had spent time with on his dorm floor drifted when they weren't a doorway apart. Now, though, he loved it. He loved his little space but, even more, he loved the thought of opening it up to his boyfriend more. He had gotten used to Connor's shirts stuffed in drawers around his and Connor's scent lingering on his pillows.

Jude finished off his last cookie and snuggled deep into his couch. Had it been ten minutes yet? Was he too clingy? Did he need a new couch? He was definitely bored. He and Connor should go out soon. Brunch, tomorrow, maybe. That would be nice. That would be –

"Connor!"

"You're home!"

Connor's face lit up and he kicked off his shoes in a very un-Connor like way. He was usually so careful, even with things like that. He slid quickly across the floor and clambered on the couch next to Jude. Jude only had to chance to half-sit up before Connor's arms wrapped around him.

"You're home," Connor whispered, much more softly, hiding his face away in Jude's shirt.

"Where were you?"

"I packed up my room." Connor inhaled and slid his fingers under Jude's shirt. Jude felt goosebumps rise on his skin but he didn't even start to push Connor away. Connor was so careful at moms and Jude missed the way that Connor had come to touch him, so casually, all the time. Jude almost couldn't believe that Connor was rivalling him for the cuddly one. "It's all in the car. I'm … not taking my dorm key off the chain, though. Not until I give it away for good."

"That's fair. If you need it, you want to have it. But I thought we were doing your room this weekend."

"I needed something to do," Connor admitted. "And going to thrift shops seems more fun than packing."

"We'll find you a dresser," Jude promised.

"And I need another shirt or two, I think," Connor said. "We should do that too."

"Whatever you want."

"I want a dresser that matches what's already here," Connor said. "I want to fit in."

"It's not black and white like that," Jude said, but he felt amused.

"It'll feel like it when I'm looking at the room," Connor replied.

"It'll be perfect. We'll figure it out."

"Thank you," Connor said.

"It's not something you have to thank me for," Jude said. "Come here and kiss me, though, before I jump you."

Connor lifted his head slowly and drew Jude in toward him, leaning up to cover Jude's body with his own. His lips pressed to Jude's, moving in a slow, perfect, way that left Jude breathless and feeling tight all over. He let his hand slide up Connor's shirt and then he felt his heart let out a heavy thump and he knew that he couldn't just keep kissing Connor like there wasn't something heavy on his mind.

"Baby …"

"I'm so happy you're home." Connor snaked his arms carefully around Jude's waist and hid his face back against Jude's shirt. "It's mostly selfish. I should have been happier you were with your moms but I like that you're here and that I just have to look up to know you're safe and you're okay."

Jude ran his thumb across Connor's lower back and took a deep breath. He had waited long enough. He had promised himself to be patient until he was home again, until Connor had time and he had time, and they would have the privacy to have the conversation they needed.

"Baby, I need to talk to you about something."

"Serious?" Connor asked.

"Yeah."

"More serious than moving in with you?"

"Yeah. It might make you leave me."

Connor closed his eyes and then opened them. "Okay. Tell me quick. Before I panic too much."

But Jude had rehearsed this speech so many times in his head. "I don't know if you remember when I was in the hospital, what you said. You were really freaked out but you said that … that you loved me. And I just want to know if it's a fluke or if it's a panic response or if you might have meant it. I just … I need to know, Connor."

Connor only looked away for a moment. "I remember saying it."

Jude held his breath.

"I've been thinking about it. A lot. Um, I drove you to the hospital, you know?"

"I know."

"I parked in the ambulance bay and I sat there with the back door open so the nurses and doctors could see you. I had to sit there and just wait for them to come get you. I was thinking, _not Jude. Anything but Jude._ I was shaking so bad and I kept replaying everything that had just happened over and over again in my mind and I knew. Everything I've been feeling, all the thoughts and the feelings that I didn't know how to name or what they meant, that more that I've been wanting to say to you …" Connor ducked his head, hiding his gaze from Jude's eyes. "But I was hoping you would forget that I said it in the hospital at all."

"Why? If you meant it –"

"I did! But I know you. I _was_ going to tell you. Soon. I was. But I know you. I wanted to make it … sweet. I wanted to make it an event. I wanted to make sure that it was a big deal. I wanted to make it that special for you. You told me in a way you thought I should hear it and I wanted to tell you in a way that I thought you would want to hear it."

Connor's hands wrapped around Jude's, his heated palms pressing into the backs of Jude's hands. His fingers rested along Jude's and he flexed them. Jude let Connor move his fingers in and out, watching his face for more. He wanted Connor to keep talking. He wanted Connor to say it without Jude asking to hear it.

"It's a hard thing for me, you know that."

Jude nodded; Connor kept playing with his fingers, not looking him in the eye.

"I know," Jude admitted.

"But if I feel it and I know for a fact that it's what I'm feeling, then you deserve to hear it. I _want_ you to hear it." Connor finally looked back at Jude, squeezing his hands. "I do, Jude. I love you."

Jude felt absolutely breathless but even that didn't stop the smile that started to take over his face. He went to sit up and kiss Connor, but Connor's arms didn't yield and kept him in place.

"But more than that …" Connor said and Jude froze.

"More than that? Would could possibly be more than that?"

Connor flexed Jude's fingers along with his and he took a deep breath that shook Jude.

"I trust you, Jude. Completely."

Connor opened Jude's hands and then he lowered his head until his cheeks were resting in Jude's palms. Jude could feel the ends of his longer hair tickling on his fingertips and tears pricked at his eyes.

"You trust me," he breathed. "And, you love me!"

Connor nodded.

"Is this okay? Can I play with your hair?"

"Yeah," Connor agreed and he closed his eyes as Jude slowly threaded his hands through Connor's hair. It was light, thicker than it looked, and soft to the touch.

It was just like Jude had thought it would feel.

"I love you too, baby, so much."

Connor smiled, soft and small, and then he lowered his torso back down against Jude's, hugging his legs around Jude's and putting his arm across Jude's body. Jude kept one hand along the top of Connor's head, gently massaging along the top of his head. Jude felt Connor tense slightly against him as his fingers moved before slowly relaxing.

"I missed you," Connor said again.

"I know but you've got me back now, baby. No more missing each other. And I've got another week off work so we can just hang out here. You and me and nothing else to do."

"Except thrift shopping."

"Right."

"And we've got a date tomorrow."

"Since when?"

"Since I planned one," Connor said sheepishly. "It's just been so long since we've had a real one because I've been so scared to go out. Now that I'm not scared, we get to go out again. I do kind of miss it. I mean, don't get too excited. It's just a new place to eat but I thought we'd like it."

"I'm excited," Jude said. "It's going to be great."

"We'll see," Connor said skeptically.

"We'll see," Jude repeated, teasing him. He lifted the ends of Connor's hair, which was looking much more even. "Thank you for trusting me."

"It's surprisingly easy right now. I made up my mind to let you but we'll see what happens the next time you try to play with my hair."

"You can always say no," Jude reminded him. "You can always change your mind."

"I know," Connor said, "but I don't want to."

Jude grinned and hugged Connor tightly to him. Connor spread slowly across him as he relaxed, feeling like a warm blanket. It took hours, but Connor eventually stretched, saying that he should make dinner, but Jude just didn't want to let him up. He was back to his favourite thing in the world: laying on the couch with Connor's arms around him. It was the simple things that meant the most and he had missed _this_ simple thing, specifically.

"Come on. Let's order a pizza so we don't have to move. Celebrate me being home by being lazy." He could see by Connor's face that Connor was tempted. "Then, when we're done eating, we can shower together before bed."

And that was where he lost Connor's interest.

"You're still hurt," he mumbled.

"And what are we doing in the shower that's going to bother my ribs?" Jude asked and, to his surprise, Connor blushed. Taking a guess, Jude said, "Does it have to do with my missing day?"

"Uh … maybe."

"Now that I'm not living with moms, are you going to tell me what we did? I'm still only half convinced we didn't have sex."

"We didn't," Connor said earnestly. "I would have told you that. This was … It's almost embarrassing for me to say. It was … physical. I just … don't have the words to describe it."

"Did you like it?"

Connor nodded.

"Did I?"

Connor nodded again.

"Well, then, maybe you just show me. You know, when I'm fit for physical activity." Jude grinned but Connor didn't seem to be as taken with the idea as he was.

"But you wouldn't know what was going to happen. Would that really be okay with you?"

"I could always say 'no', right?"

"Of course."

"You think about it," Jude said. "It's what I'm comfortable with but if it freaks you out, then I understand."

"I'll think about it," Connor agreed. "Um, I should … get a pizza menu or something."

Jude was already reaching for his phone. "We order the same thing every time."

"I guess we do."

"Why? Did you want something different?"

"If we're celebrating you being home, we should get one of their little desserts too."

"Oh, you're perfect," Jude said. Connor made a small sound to that but Jude skipped over it. "Let's do dessert."

Dinner was quiet and perfect; they ate lazily and left the pizza sitting on the coffee table for longer than Jude thought Connor would allow. To Jude, unlike with the pizza, Connor was even more attentive than he usually was, reminding Jude of when he had first gotten home. His mothers had babied him too. He decided he would let Connor have today, maybe even tomorrow, depending on how it went, but, after that, he'd call Connor out on it. He knew Connor was likely aware of it too but he and Connor were on the same page so often that they were probably thinking the same thing. _One more day._ It wouldn't hurt to take it easy like they were for one more day.

Jude had wondered if it would be easy to go back to the routine that they had before the trip or if it would be awkward, somehow, like the beginning of the relationship had been. Jude didn't want to go back to Connor being shy or him not knowing what the right move to make was. He wouldn't have put money on it happening – Connor had been himself when he came to visit Jude at his parents, but Jude knew Connor wasn't entirely predictable, either. But, now, when Connor was tidying up the kitchen and putting their leftover pizza in the fridge, he looked himself. He was happy. He was in love with Jude too.

The thought of that had Jude sighing and leaning his head against the back of the couch, swooning like someone who had never even thought of love before. Connor caught him staring but instead of asking like he used to, he just smiled at Jude, like he knew what Jude was thinking. He probably did.

"Scale of one to ten," Jude said, "how happy are you, baby?"

Connor pondered the question. "Can I ask you one first?"

"Sure."

"Are you ready to go to bed?"

"Yeah," Jude said.

"Then, it's an eleven."

Jude laughed and pushed himself up off the couch. He got ready for bed while Connor finished in the kitchen. Jude was finishing brushing his teeth when Connor slid into the bathroom behind him, stopping so that he was just behind Jude. As Jude was bent over the sink, Connor's hand slid up the side of his shirt.

"Do you still feel okay?"

"Yeah. No pain at all today. The doctor said it would only take six weeks to heal."

"Minimum of six weeks," Connor corrected, quiet and serious.

"It wasn't _that_ bad of a break." Jude rinsed his mouth and then he turned to face Connor. His bathroom was small and the washer and dryer were protruding out, keeping Connor close to him. "I'm healing just fine."

"I know," Connor murmured. "I'm just worried about you. I know how much rib breaks can hurt."

"I don't think it's really comparable," Jude said and Connor could only shrug. "I'll meet you in bed, okay?"

"Almost okay," Connor said. "I came in here for something from you before you went to bed."

"Yeah, what's that?" Jude asked, hoping that Connor kissed him, even though he knew that Connor would kiss him. Connor would probably kiss him once they were in bed too but there was no problem with Connor kissing him more than once.

More than twice, even.

Instead, Connor's hands went under Jude's shirt. Jude just grinned as Connor pulled it off him and then folded it neatly to sit on the edge of the counter. Jude could feel Connor carefully watching his expression but Jude just grinned.

"You can have that."

"I just didn't feel like you needed it. Unless you think you do."

"No, I think you're right, baby."

Connor grinned too and Jude left him in the bathroom. He went to his bed, glad that he had his big bed back. For someone who had never thought that they needed a queen-sized bed, he missed the hell out of it when he was in something smaller. And it was so nicely made too. Moms didn't make his bed for him and Jude was lazy when it came to fixing up his bed. He was glad that Connor liked clean beds because Jude liked his bed made, he just wasn't as motivated as his boyfriend was to do it. He peeled back his blankets and rearranged the pillows to be better suited for sleeping on. He tossed a couple of them to the end of the bed and then he climbed onto his side. It didn't take long for Connor to come out of the bathroom, turning off the lights as he went. He left his phone on the bedside table and then he clambered over Jude to his side of the bed.

"I missed this bed," Jude groaned aloud, stretching out.

"It missed you too." Connor reached down and pulled the blankets up, adjusting them across Jude's chest. "It's more comfortable sleeping with you in this bed too."

"And you like sleeping next to me now."

"I've liked sleeping next to you for a long time now," Connor pointed out. "You know that."

"I know. I like you saying things," Jude said softly, hoping that Connor could take the hint.

Connor studied his face for a moment and then he leant down, kissing Jude softly. Smiling to himself, Jude wrapped his arms around Connor's waist. When the kiss ended, Jude knew that he was going to have to say if first but that was okay. It was worth it to say it first.

"I love you, Connor."

Connor's hand reached up and tightly gripped Jude's. "I … I love you too."

He ducked his head after, unable to fully look at Jude, but he didn't pull away. He settled down against the mattress, putting his head on Jude's shoulder.

"Let's go to bed, Jude," he suggested.

"Okay," Jude agreed, and he kissed the top of Connor's head. "I can't wait to wake up to you again."

"Stuff for a cheeseburger omelette is in the fridge," Connor murmured, sounding far sleepier than Jude felt. "Don't worry, I know you."

Jude _hadn't_ been worried but it was nice to hear all the same. He slid his hand under the thin white tank top Connor was wearing to bed, just to rest against the small of his back. His thumb ran in small circles along the soft skin. He felt the moment that Connor fell fast asleep against him and he was so glad that Connor trusted him enough to do that now. He could remember all too clearly a time when he wouldn't have but now Connor was asleep in his arms, hair soft and flopping across his pale forehead, his breath heavy as he dreamt. Jude knew that he should really try and fall asleep too but he couldn't take his eyes off Connor.

One more minute of staring wouldn't hurt anything.

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Heart And Mind**_ **by Kina Grannis. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	78. It Is You (I Have Loved)

Jude laughed and it echoed, loud and beautiful around the room. It was one of Connor's favourite sounds in the world and he could have listened to it over and over again. Next to him, Jude stretched his arms over his head and accidentally hit one of their now-empty coffee mugs sitting on the bedside table.

"Oops. But, my point stands. Look, I'm stretching, no pain. I've been back to work, no pain. You can stop babying me now!"

Connor leant onto his side, running his hands over each of Jude's ribs, carefully watching his face.

"I'm healed!" Jude insisted.

"Okay, I believe you," he said, but he couldn't help but sound reluctant about it. He knew it wasn't fair to Jude to act like a watchdog, he was supposed to be a boyfriend, but he didn't want to think of Jude hurting at all. He supposed it was a good and bad thing, depending on how someone looked at it.

"Kind of."

"Kind of," Connor admitted. "You know you best, Jude, and I believe you. I really, honestly, believe you."

Jude chuckled. "Do you believe you?"

"A little," Connor said.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened on my missing day now?" Jude asked. He flipped onto his side. "Or show me?"

He was flirting and it was so tantalizing. "I just don't know if you … It feels like if I'm doing something to you that you're not sure is going to happen, then I'm not giving you a real chance to say 'yes'. I could do something that you don't like and by the time that you say 'no', it's already been done and I can't take that back and then it'll just sit between us."

"Then, tell me. Show me or tell me," Jude said. "I don't think it's fair for me to not to know at all."

"I know and you've been patient."

"And I'm saying 'yes'. You told me I said 'yes' last time and that I liked it. If we go slow, nothing bad will happen. I'll have lot of chances to change my mind. It's not like you're just going to have sex with me before I can say anything."

"No, not that." Connor took a deep breath. "Which one would you prefer?"

"For you to show me," Jude said, without hesitation. "You've been so gentle with me lately. I want you to _really_ kiss me again."

"Do you want to take a shower?" Connor asked. "That's how the missing part started."

Jude's expression felt like it was going to set him on fire. He grabbed Connor's hand and they slid off the bed. He followed Jude into the bathroom and swung the bathroom door shut out of habit. Connor watched as Jude flicked the water on. As it heated, Connor reached out for Jude, shedding his shirt. He placed his hands against Jude's bare back and the want within him flared. He had pushed it down and away while Jude had been healing; he pretended that he hadn't felt the lust that he had almost gotten used to when it was attached to Jude's bare chest. Jude took Connor's shirt off him.

"Hand on head," Jude warned him, just before his fingers tangled in Connor's hair. Connor appreciated the little warning, even though he didn't flinch away from Jude's hands and it barely crossed his mind that Jude would do anything bad to him.

Connor's lips pressed tightly against Jude's and then, surprising even himself, Connor's hands were on the waistband of Jude's pyjama pants, shoving them down to the floor. Jude's hands were on him, more confident than Connor's fumbling fingers had been. The damp air of the bathroom chilled Connor's legs and he was relieved when Jude tugged him toward the heated water. Jude's lips barely left his; once they were under the spray, Jude was kissing him again.

"This isn't how it went," Connor informed him in a whisper.

"All right, baby," Jude said, clearly happy to play along. "How did it go?"

He and Jude had taken _real_ showers the night before. Even so, Connor picked up the body wash and the wash cloth. Jude closed his eyes as Connor rested it against his skin. He cleaned slowly and methodically, even though his heart hammered with the thought of what he was about to do. Last time had been more of a whim. Jude had been right there and so hot that Connor had felt a physical need to touch him in a new, different way. It had been a true, actual _need_ to touch Jude more than he already had been – no forethought, no time to second guess. Then, later, Connor had spent nights awake thinking about it and there had been no regret, just the desire to do it again. He wanted to taste Jude, he wanted to touch him again. He liked that he could make Jude come, panting his name. As Connor lowered himself to his knees, cleaning Jude's front, Leigh crossed his mind for the first time. He had never done that with Jude. Jude had never asked him to, though he was sure that Jude _wanted_ him to. Leigh had demanded it and taken it, but there was no reason that Connor couldn't give it to Jude when he wanted to. If Jude wanted him to.

"Jude," Connor said, surprising himself with the way his voice cracked. How had he gotten so dry-mouthed and breathless just thinking about it? "Do you want it to go exactly how it happened last time or can I try something else first?"

"Do whatever you want," Jude said. "I trust you."

Connor watched the suds rinse from Jude's body and then he slowly brought his hand up, firmly running his hand along Jude's length in the way he knew Jude liked before he lowered his head, his tongue just touching Jude's tip. Connor could just faintly taste soap, but it wasn't enough to deter him.

"Hand on head," Jude warned him.

"Don't pull," Connor said quickly.

"I wouldn't." Jude sounded half-offended, but he relaxed against the shower wall, his hand resting against the top of Connor's head.

Connor took Jude as far as he could, Jude's coarse hairs tickling the end of his nose. Jude moaned and his fingers twitched against the side of Connor's head. Connor felt the familiar swell of panic inside of him and he pulled back, taking a deep breath, just to prove to himself that he could. Jude's hand didn't pull at him or guide him but just rested against his temple. Connor glanced up at Jude's face.

"It's okay, baby, you don't have to."

Connor had to admit that he didn't like it – had never really liked it – but he had done things with Jude that he liked and this one was nowhere near the top of his list. He would do it, again, for Jude, sometime, but Connor knew it would never be a regular thing that he would do. He knew Jude wouldn't ask him from him either and he was comforted by that.

"You can stand back up if you want," Jude offered, but Connor shook his head.

"I want to go back to the script."

"Okay, let's do that."

"You'll have to turn around."

Water poured down Connor's face as Jude turned. Connor told himself to be methodical with his washcloth, to be like he always was, but it was difficult. The more he stared at Jude's bare skin, the harder he grew between his own legs. He _wanted_ Jude and Jude … Jude …

"You want me, don't you, Jude?"

Jude's voice echoed around the small shower, slicing through the steam. "So much, baby, you have no idea. It'd probably scare you if you did."

Connor wasn't so sure that he _would_ be scared anymore. The scariest had already happened and now there was just Jude and his light and Connor had a future with no fear. He could do anything and everything and he wanted all those experiences _with_ Jude. Connor dropped the washcloth, feeling slightly impatient. Jude was clean.

He started like last time, moving slowly, giving Jude the chance to realize what he was doing and then say no, if that was what he wanted. He gently kissed each of Jude's cheeks. One hand went between Jude's legs, nudging them apart. He heard the dull thud of Jude pressing his head against the shower wall and he had to ask, "Is this okay?"

"Mhm. I really like where this is going."

Over his shoulder, Jude flashed him a grin but the moment felt surreal to Connor. It was the second time they had done it but it was also Jude's first experience. Connor knew Jude had liked it the first time, even with how hesitant he had been with the moves he'd been making, and Connor wanted to make sure Jude liked it just as much – if not more – this time.

Connor wrapped one arm around Jude's hip to grip his shaft. He could feel the coolness over the shower tile against his knuckles and he coaxed Jude into taking a step backward so they'd both have room to move. He let his other hand start to move down Jude's legs and Jude thrust his hips against him. Connor gripped Jude's waist tightly, spreading him slightly and keeping him still.

"Connor," Jude sighed, before Connor even had a chance to do anything. It fueled the adrenaline searing through him and he pressed his mouth to Jude's lower back.

A small noise escaped Jude and it sounded like need. Connor leant back just enough to take a breath. He watched the water stream down Jude's back, covering all the dimples and curves that Connor wanted to touch. He remembered how Jude tasted and he wanted it all again, but he could feel one hold back.

"Jude," he whispered urgently. "Jude, I need to hear you say yes again if you're still saying yes."

"Yes, baby, yes. Just do what you want to me!"

Connor pressed his mouth to Jude's side, interrupting the stream of water he had been staring at so intently. He followed the last trickle down, closing his eyes and just feeling his way along Jude's body. Jude's hips rocked against him slightly; Connor hadn't even realized he'd stopped moving his other hand. He found his rhythm again, his free hand gripping tightly to Jude's waist as his tongue finally slid between Jude's legs. He moved slowly, trying to tease. He felt slightly guilty for thinking it, but he liked the way Jude writhed as he took his time, trying to learn every bump and line of Jude's body.

Jude gasped loudly, one of his hands flying up to cover the hand Connor had on his waist. Jude's fingers wrapped around his own, squeezing him tightly.

"More," Jude begged. "I want more!"

It could have been the motto of their relationship, except, this time, Connor had more to give; he had more that he _wanted_ to give. He pushed his tongue inside of Jude, prompting a cry of _fuck_ to erupt from Jude. Connor felt Jude's body shake and he didn't let up as Jude pushed into him, unsure of whether or not he wanted to lean into Connor's hand or his mouth. Connor's hand splayed open along Jude's ribs, following his movements until his breath quickened and he felt thick in Connor's palm.

"Connor," Jude panted. "I'm going to – I'm going to –"

And then he did, the heat spilling out from between Connor's fingers before the shower washed it away.

Connor let go of Jude and shuffled back slightly. Jude surprised Connor by sliding down the wall and sitting in the bottom of the tub with him. There wasn't really room for the two of them and so Jude's long legs ended up awkwardly folded around Connor's body.

"I forgot _that_!?" Jude exclaimed, his eyes bright and alive. " _That_?!"

"That," Connor confirmed, his heart hammering in his chest. Did he tell Jude what Jude had done to him after? No; it'd feel too much like forcing him.

"Let him go down on you," Jude blurted, clearing Connor's thoughts away. "Baby, please."

"Well," Connor said, fighting to keep his voice light. He wanted his next words to seem a joke or a suggestion, not a demand. "If we're following the script, that does come next."

Jude groaned, sounding annoying and catching Connor off-guard. "I forgot that too?!"

"Sorry, Jude."

"You didn't make me forget," Jude grumbled. He looked cross for a moment more but when he locked eyes with Connor, his expression brightened considerably. "Guess we'll have to finish making the new memory, right?"

"Right."

"Stand up for me, baby."

Connor pushed himself to his feet, falling against the wall as Jude made his way toward him. It wasn't fair how sexy Jude looked. Connor already felt like he was on the edge and Jude, staring at him and wanting him, made him feel like he was going to come before they even touched once. Jude's hands ran up the outside of Connor's legs but before anything more could occur, Connor reached over and turned the water heat up. They were going to get cold before too long but Connor wasn't so overprotective of his ego as to think they were going to get hypothermia before he finished. He felt all of the air leave his body as Jude's mouth surrounded him. His hand came up sliding through Jude's dripping hair. He could feel Jude's tongue along the underside of him and he dropped his head, hearing himself whimper.

"Jude …" He was too turned on. He couldn't control it or hold back.

Jude's hands gripped his hips, not letting up.

"Jude," Connor tried to warned him again.

Jude slid Connor down his throat and Connor's fingers tightened in his hair. He came down Jude's throat with a small cry. Jude slowly let Connor fall out of his mouth and then he grabbed onto Connor's hands to pull himself up. They stood nose to nose for a moment and then Jude tilted his head to the side and kissed Connor sweetly.

"We should get out of here," Jude murmured, his voice low and alluring. Connor nodded. Somehow, he still felt like there was more to be done.

He bit his lip and kept his thoughts to himself, instead just reaching up and turning off the water. Jude hopped out of the tub first, handing a towel back to Connor. Connor took it, his body moving on autopilot as he watched Jude dry himself off. Jude wasn't putting on a show for him, just going through his own motions, but Connor still wanted to put his hands on him again. He wanted more.

Connor stepped out of the bath, reaching over and automatically putting his mother's rings on before anything else. Jude glanced over at him and then Connor really couldn't help it anymore. He stepped into Jude's space, leaning up and kissing him. Jude's hands gripped his waist and Connor really didn't care that he felt Jude's towel fall, partially dragging Connor's down with it. Jude's back hit the door and Connor forgot to care at all about his towel, instead he reached up and held onto Jude with both hands, cupping the back of Jude's thighs. Jude kissed him desperately and Connor took a chance, supporting Jude's weight against his arms and the door.

"Connor!" Jude laughed and he threw both arms around Connor's neck as his legs wrapped around his waist. "You're being such a tease, baby."

"I'm not teasing, Jude," Connor said, his voice just a little too serious and catching Jude's attention. He could feel every tantalizing line of Jude's body along his and he wasn't scared. "I want you. I want to give me to you, completely."

"I don't want you to regret it. We don't have to move that fast."

"It's not fast. It doesn't feel fast. It feels right for me if it feels right for you. You said we'd talk about it. We can talk about it."

Jude laughed, his head tilting back. "You're kind of not being fair."

"I can put you down," Connor said, though he felt like it would take all of his willpower to do so.

"No, don't you dare." Jude kissed him breathlessly and the slight rocking of his body made Connor moan. "Are you really sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. I mean … you've been on my mind and this feels right. It's a feeling, a real feeling. I know. I know what I want. I want _you_ , Jude."

"I just thought sex was a 'never', baby, and I don't want to pressure you the other way and have you regret it."

"You're not pressuring me! I'll never regret any part of you and … I can't really say 'never' exists with you anymore. I was _never_ going to fall in love – no baby steps or anything – but I did with _you_. I did that _first_." Jude's eyes were bright and trusting and Connor was losing himself to their depths while Jude's bare skin seared his own. "You sneak up on me. Before I know it, I'm in this place I never expected to be but it's better than anything I could have ever imagined."

Jude kissed him and whispered, "I'm as sure as you are."

"I'm a little nervous but I'm sure of how much I want to."

"No matter what part we're at, you _can_ say no."

"So can you." Connor stared at him a moment longer. "Um, how … how do you want it to go?"

"We can't plan it all out," Jude said, though Connor half would have liked to. "But, I _want_ to be carried to bed and I _want_ to be facing you when we do it. I want to be able to see your face – at least the first time. Next time, we can use the wall." Jude grinned. "I like the wall."

Connor liked the wall too. He liked how he could feel even the subtlest of Jude's movements. Jude tilted his head to the side and Connor kissed him again.

"I want you," Jude said against his lips, his voice husky and his words a turn-on.

Connor wanted Jude too. Before Jude, he'd had no idea that being physical could feel like that. He didn't know that it could feel _good_ or that he could feel like wanted it, knowing that Jude wanted it too. He liked how Jude's kisses felt and how Jude's touches felt and he was quite confident that he would like the rest of it too. He tried not to think back; he tried not to compare. All Connor wanted was new memories with Jude. He wanted more to overwrite the bad that had happened to it. Jude was happiness. Jude was his future. Jude was here, with him, now, and that was what Connor wanted. Because Connor loved him and that was so easy to say internally now.

"You'll have to open the door if you don't want me to put you down."

He heard the click of the door and then there was the cool breeze from the outer room that coiled around his legs. Connor felt his heart clench but he wasn't scared. If he was scared, he didn't think that he would actually be able to go through with it, but he thought that it was natural to be nervous. He thought Jude was actually nervous too and he thought it was okay. He knew that as long as it was Jude with him then he would be okay. Jude managed to get the door open and Connor rushed him across the apartment, scared of dropping him. The remnants of their shower still clung to them, making him even harder to hold onto. He made it to the bed and that was when he let Jude flop away onto the bed. Jude stretched out along his large mattress and Connor could hardly take looking at him. He felt as if his stomach was tying in knots and he wanted his hands and mouth to go everywhere. All he wanted to do was just _touch_ him in any way possible.

"I love you, Connor," Jude whispered.

"I love you too," Connor answered and his voice shook.

"The lube is in my nightstand."

"Oh, who's the romantic now?" Connor asked.

As Jude snorted, Connor reached over and pulled the drawer open. He stared down at the tube and then he pulled it out, lying it on the bed and then he dropped the box of condoms next to it.

"The whole box, baby?" Jude teased. "It's a good thing we have all day."

Connor cracked a smile and it felt so good that he ended up just laughing. He slid between Jude's legs, covering his body so that he could kiss him. Jude's hands were all along his back and sides and Connor couldn't think of anything outside of his touches. He buried his head in the crook of Jude's neck and kissed the soft skin there. Jude's nails slid along his shoulder blades and Connor inhaled sharply. He kissed down Jude's chest. He wanted to take his time. He wanted to feel everything with Jude and he didn't want to feel what he had felt with his ex. There was love, between he and Jude, and respect, and he wanted it to feel good. He didn't want to do anything that would hurt Jude. He didn't want to do anything that they wouldn't like. He needed to give himself time – to learn what Jude would react to and what he wouldn't; to kiss Jude's sides and listen to him laugh because it tickled a little.

Connor lifted his knees onto the bed, pulling himself onto the mattress. Jude's legs fell open over his thighs and Connor got caught up in staring at him again. He was slightly guilty of thinking logistics – how they would fit together, how it would feel, the sounds that Jude would make. Jude was staring at his face and he finally said, "Use your words, baby."

"I'm starting to get worried."

"We can just make out. We don't have to have sex," Jude said automatically, but Connor almost wished that Jude would stop trying to give him an out. He didn't want an out. "But I really want you."

"I am just so scared of hurting you. That's what I'm worried about," Connor confessed. "It always hurt me so much and the last thing I want is for that to happen to you. I don't want to be to you what he was to me."

"And you never have to worry about that!" Jude exclaimed and he sat up, his nose close to Connor's. "That's not a problem. The first time will hurt a little, I know that but you don't want to hurt me. I know that. Are you scared?"

"Aren't you?"

"More excited. It's right for me, baby, I know that. You're right from me."

Connor slid his hand down Jude's leg before slipping his hand between them.

"Start with those," Jude said. "It might make it hurt less."

"Who's the virgin?" Connor asked.

"It's new to both of us, a little, isn't it?"

Connor kissed the top of Jude's shoulder. "I wish it was the first time for me. I wish I had been able to wait like you did."

"Waiting isn't the important part. This is _our_ first time together and that means something. It's a first, baby, for you and me." Connor glanced up at Jude and Jude smiled once their eyes locked. "Our first."

" _Our_ first," Connor repeated and he wondered how he had been so lucky to ever meet Jude at all.

"Now, kiss me again," Jude said.

Connor did and Jude fell into the blankets, pulling Connor down with him. Using one hand, Connor reached out into the blankets and found the lube. He pulled it close and left it next to Jude as he slid his hands between Jude's legs again, just trying to feel. He wanted to be able to know Jude with more than just his eyes. He wanted to know Jude through touch and smell and taste. He wanted to know everything about his boyfriend. Connor leant down and kissed him again as Jude nudged himself against Connor's hand. There was a half-frenzied edge to their kissing and Connor grabbed the lube bottle in his hand, spreading it over his fingers. The cool texture of it was unexpected against his fingers and he felt his heart thud brutally against the inside of his chest in one harsh movement before settling into its racing speed. He hesitated only a moment between Jude's legs before pushing one finger inside.

Jude gasped and whimpered in one breath and Connor almost pulled away completely.

"It's good, baby," Jude said throatily. "Oh, I like that."

Connor's heart skipped and he closed his eyes, maneuvering his body down the bed so that he could kiss a trail straight down Jude's chest. Jude's hardness was so close to his face and Connor decided to chance it, and he took Jude into his mouth again, wondering if it would be different without the shower around them. It was, a little, if only because the taste of soap was gone. Connor still didn't like giving a blowjob, especially when Jude started to push himself against Connor's mouth. That was flirting too close with bad memories and he lifted his head away.

"Baby, baby, try another. I want … more."

Connor picked up the lube bottle again, just because he wasn't sure if he trusted himself not to hurt Jude. He bit his lip, watching his fingers disappear inside of Jude and it wreaked havoc on his body like almost nothing else had done. He forced his gaze up to Jude's face; his eyes were close and he was panting quickly. Connor reached with his other hand and palmed Jude's shaft, trying to get both hands to move together but concentrating on that was so hard when he kept getting lost in just watching how the parts of Jude's body move – Jude reached up and grabbed onto Connor's bicep and Connor met him in a kiss. Jude's finger's dug into his shoulder.

"Baby, please, I'm ready," Jude begged breathlessly. " _Please_."

Connor was ready too, even though he didn't want to pull his fingers out of Jude and, from the sound Jude made, he didn't really want it either.

Connor sat back on his legs, his hands shaking slightly as he picked up the condom box and pulled the top off and pulled a condom package out. He stared at it; it looked so foreign in his fingers. He'd been shown how to put one on, long ago in middle school, but he had never actually _done_ it. Not to himself, not to Leigh. Leigh hadn't liked using them and Connor would never forget being in the hospital and having the counselor ask about rape and STDs. He'd gotten the test, his heart aching when he thought of Leigh sleeping with other men. He'd been relieved to the point of embarrassment when it came back clean and then guilt had set in when he thought about how badly he'd been thinking of Leigh.

Connor looked up as Jude's hands covered his own.

"Do you want me to?"

Connor nodded but then he held Jude in place, kissing him before he could do anything else. Jude smiled at him, eyes light and dreamy.

"Tell me you love me, baby."

It bordered on the edge of too much. Sex, love, nevers. And just because Connor had said he would get better at expressing his feelings didn't mean he'd become so yet. He _wanted_ to be able to but all he could do was kiss Jude and try to let him feel everything that Connor was. Jude kissed him fiercely and Connor was helpless. He wondered if what he was feeling now was how Jude had been feeling about him all along. If it was, Connor had no idea how Jude had been able to control himself. Connor felt so _fulfilled_ every time he so much as looked at Jude, it took away his ability to breathe. It was like feeling every good thing at once.

"I love you," Jude said first, as if he knew, somehow, that it was easier for Connor to say it second, even though Connor had never expressly told him so.

"I love you too."

Jude took the condom wrapper from Connor's hands, blushing deeply when he opened it. He flicked the wrapper toward the nightstand and missed wildly. Connor resisted the urge to go and pick it up, just like how he hadn't folded Jude's clothes when they'd showered. It just wasn't the right time.

Jude's steady hands slid the condom on and Connor stiffened when Jude's strong fingers kept touching him, branching out to caress his hips and then his lower back, his hands slipping down. Connor didn't question whether or not Jude knew his limits and so he could just enjoy it and take a moment to think about what they were about to do.

Jude grinned up at him, his brown eyes beautiful and playful. He knew exactly what havoc he was wreaking on Connor's body and it was more of a turn on that he was aware. His hands skimmed heavily around to Connor's front, petting his way up his abs. When the tips of his fingers touched Connor's collarbone, his hands stopped, resting against Connor's chest.

"I'm sure if you're sure," Jude said, even though it sounded more like Connor's line.

"I want you," Connor replied confidently, thinking that, in turn, he sounded like Jude.

Jude kissed him again, his hands dropping away from Connor's body. He rustled around in the blankets and then Connor felt him apply the lube. He broke the kiss and looked down, wondering if it was enough. There hadn't been a saving grace like that for _his_ first time and Connor would never be able to forget how that felt. Jude had such good views on sex and love and it meaning something that Connor was terrified for him to see otherwise. He hoped that Jude was right and he was wrong. He'd like to believe that there would be something good. He wanted things to be different and he had the hope that it would be because Jude was already so different.

"I'm ready, baby."

Connor could scarcely breathe as Jude laid back against his mattress. The errant thought that the sheets would have to be changed drifted across his mind but was overridden by everything else that was going on. He leant far over Jude, his hands by Jude's head. He kissed Jude again as Jude snaked his legs around Connor's waist, feeling hot and heavy. Connor kissed along Jude's jaw line and neck, guided by the noises that Jude was making and the way that he was grinding his hips against Connor's. Connor felt the frenzy and he knew neither of them would be happy if he delayed any more. He tucked his hand down to be by Jude's ribs instead and reached between their bodies, guiding himself forward to push against Jude just to … miss.

He skimmed underneath Jude, along to the inside of his leg. Connor flushed with nerves and embarrassment while Jude laughed.

"With you, not at you," Jude was quick to clarify through his giggles. "Don't look so serious, baby. It's supposed to be fun."

Sometimes, Connor just didn't understand Jude's world at all. That didn't stop him from smiling when Jude reached up, insistently nudging his cheek.

"Try again, baby."

Connor wouldn't get it wrong a second time. He wanted to try and make it as perfect as Jude thought it was going to be. At the very least, Jude deserved that.

Before Connor could try again, Jude reached down and took his hand. Connor locked their fingers together, the simple action giving the boost he needed. He moved a little further between Jude's legs and pushed again. Jude inhaled sharply, a high squeal in his voice that made Connor stop cold. Jude's fingers clenched around his own while his other hand tightened against the sheets.

"Jude," Connor managed, unsure of which way to go. He didn't know what Jude wanted.

"Move slow but don't stop," Jude instructed.

Connor did. The further he went, the more he just wanted to bury himself all the way inside of Jude and know how that felt. Every sound that came out of Jude made Connor's body feel tighter than a drum. Finally, he was all the way inside, his head hanging over Jude's.

"Fuck," Jude rasped. "Oh, just fuck me, Connor."

Jude's hand slid up his back, threading lightly through Connor's hair, guiding Connor to kiss him while Connor tried to discover a rhythm that worked for them but it was hard to think about things like rhythm when Jude was moaning and thrusting his hips in toward Connor's.

"There, baby, oh, right there."

Connor his face away in the crook of Jude's neck, trying to muffle his own sounds. The mattress squeaked with what felt like every little movement they made.

"Oh, _God_ ," Jude exclaimed.

Connor maneuvered Jude's leg over his shoulder, Jude threw his head back, his hand scrabbling along the wall as he cried out. Connor could see the whites of his eyes as he arched off the bed. Connor collapsed down again him, wanting to feel every line of Jude's body against his own. Connor reached between them to stroke Jude and Jude's shout of his name echoed around the apartment.

"Jude," Connor blurted, "is your landlord home?"

Jude laughed, gasping for breath at the same time. "If I can't hear her, she can't hear me."

Connor didn't share Jude's easy confidence but, instead, he said, "You're louder than expected."

"It feels different than expected. In a good way."

Connor inched himself back inside Jude while he was talking and when he bottomed out, Jude half-cried the last word.

"You can go a little faster. I just need _more_."

Using their joined hands, Connor nudged Jude's leg to rest higher up on his body and then he flattened out against Jude's body, giving into himself. Jude's moans of _"Yes_!" surrounded him and fueled him and Connor lost himself in Jude entirely. Sweat forming along his lower back as the entire apartment felt as thought it were overheating. He licked the salt from Jude's skin and then caught him in a kiss, Jude's legs spreading wide around him. Connor pumped at Jude faster as the movement of his hips became frenzied and then Jude came between them, covering their stomachs.

Connor wasn't far behind, his movements slowing to nearly non-existent, and then he pulled out of Jude, unable to look him in the eye. He slid off the bed, turning his back on Jude to remove the condom. He picked up the condom wrapper and took both to the kitchen, ignoring Jude's playfully annoyed question, "Baby, where are you going?"

He took himself to the bathroom next, cleaning himself off and then he carried a warm, damp facecloth back to Jude, who was lying where Connor had left him. Connor sat down next to him, pressing the washcloth to his skin.

"Talk to me," Jude requested, tucking his hand behind his head. "What do you think?"

"It matters more what you think," Connor said, unable to look up from Jude's body. He'd cleaned around his belly button at least three times, trying not to remember the shame, the confusion, the terror, the _revulsion_ that followed his first time. He could see again – all too clearly – showering away the blood and cleaning the destroyed sheets the morning after when Leigh had gone to work.

Jude sat up and took the cloth from Connor's hand, reaching over to put it on the nightstand. Then, he lightly guided Connor to lay down against the pillows before cuddling under his arm, his head on Connor's chest.

"It was more than I thought it would be."

 _More_. Jude had said that word so much that Connor was starting to lose sight of what he meant when he said it.

"But, I was right about you being the person that was right. I'm glad I waited for someone I loved the way I love you and who loves me the way you do. And I still love you. What do you think?"

Connor stared up at Jude's ceiling, feeling tears start to gather in the corner of his eyes, no matter how he tried to shove them down. He'd already cried about it once even if Jude didn't remember. His voice cracking, he said, "I didn't know it could be like this."

He was glad he lived in a world where Jude was right. Where sex could be good and it could mean something.

"It can." Jude turned his head and kissed Connor's chest before rolling more onto his side and leaning on Connor's chest so they could look at one another. "Are we going to do this again?"

"Do you want to?"

Jude nodded, grinning at him and Connor was so relieved he was _happy_. When he was no longer caught up in the moment, it was so easy to worry, but how could he worry when Jude was looking at him like that?

"Me too, I think," Connor said. "But, maybe not right away. I need time to be sure."

"Half an hour enough?" Jude asked innocently, but he couldn't hold the illusion and broke into a laugh. "We have all the time in the world, babe."

Jude put his head down on Connor's chest, humming happily when Connor started playing with his hair. Connor just stared down at him for several long minutes, happy just to listen to him breathe. He rubbed his hand down Jude's warm back, savouring the feel of his skin. He'd never pictured being here. He'd never imagined that anyone could be as happy as he was now. Every thought that wasn't about Jude left his mind when Jude looked up at him.

"You saved me, you know."

" _You_ saved you," Jude disagreed. "If you hadn't wanted it, nothing I did would have made a difference."

Connor didn't know whether or not he fully agreed with Jude but he compromised by saying, "You gave me the strength to do it."

Jude leant up to kiss him gently, pulling their sweat-sticky bodies apart.

"You know what's great, baby?" Jude asked, their lips brushing together.

"What?" Connor hoped the answer would be that Jude wanted to kiss him again. He wondered how people ever got their fill of kissing those they loved.

"We're gonna have to shower again," Jude said smugly.

"And wash the sheets before bed."

Jude groaned. "We'll do it all later. I don't want to move yet."

"There was absolutely nothing wrong with laying in bed, Jude wrapped around him.

"I love you, baby."

Absolutely nothing.

"I love you too."

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **It Is You (I Have Loved)**_ **by Dana Glover. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	79. Better Today

Jude popped one eye open and quickly turned off his phone alarm before it woke Connor. Moving slowly, he left their bed, leaving Connor asleep. Jude tucked his feet into what Mariana called his 'old man' slippers and stretched trying not to take too long. Jude had a schedule to stick to today, after all. He half-turned and gestured to Hades, who was watching him out of one eye. Jude gestured again and the three-year-old Pitbull huffed a sigh and heaved himself out of his own giant bed in the corner of their room.

Jude followed Hades into the hall and then anxiously glanced at Connor, but he had grown used to the sound of the dog's nails against the hardwood floor. Still, Jude pulled the bedroom door most of the way shut. Connor could have another few minutes of rest.

Hades looked over his shoulder at Jude.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jude muttered and he followed the black and white dog down the steps and to the back yard.

Jude opened the door and Hades bounded out, sniffing along the fence line. Jude knew he didn't have to watch him – even if Hades could get out, Connor had trained him better than that. Jude watched the dog plod around his territory. They had gotten him a year ago, both as a twenty-fifth birthday present for Connor and as a celebration of buying the house. They had gone to the animal shelter and while the employee was leading them toward the nine-month-old golden retriever Jude had spotted on their website, Connor had seen Hades, huddled in the corner of his own little room. He'd been raised to dog fight and had spent at least a year doing it; the shelter had him for approximately four months. He was abused, distrustful of people, and, apparently, had a habit of aggression when he felt cornered. Connor had sat down in the corner furthest from Hades and within ten minutes, Hades had been curled up in his lap.

"He's just misunderstood," Connor had said to Jude, while Jude had thought that they just understood each other. "He's even got a Greek mythology name. It's perfect," Connor had added.

As if Jude had needed convincing. As if Jude weren't completely helpless against his eyes. And, so, Hades had come home with them. Jude had never seen any hints of the aggression they had been warned about, even though Hades considered himself more Connor's dog than Jude's. They just had an energetic animal that drooled and liked to sleep upside down.

While Hades peed in the bushes, Jude closed the house door and circled into the garage. Gerald sat in one corner, rarely used unless Connor had to take a short trip along to the grocery store. He wasn't reliable enough for long distances anymore which Jude was sorry for. He thought taking Gerald on their overnight trip would be much more poetic than their new car.

But Gerald was left in the corner and Jude opened the door to their new car. Well, his, really. Connor had a hatred for driving and a job that allowed him to work from home. It was Jude that commuted back and forth each day and took the driver's seat whenever they went anywhere together. And that was why Jude had felt confident enough to use the car as a hiding spot. Jude popped open the dashboard as Hades loped into the garage, making his way over to Jude.

"What do you think?" Jude asked, opening the box. "Do you think he'll like it?"

Jude watched Hades carefully, just in case he decided to eat the ring. Hades's snout nosed at it once and then he lost interest, heading back out into the yard. Jude stared down at the gold ring – perfectly matched to the colour of Connor's mother's rings and engraved with 'AND THE REST OF YOU'. Jude needed it to be perfect because he needed Connor to say yes. There wasn't a lot of fear left in Connor but if there was something that would bring it back, it would be a ring.

Jude tucked it into the pocket of the black jacket he'd be wearing tonight and then artfully draped it into the backseat so the shape of the box wasn't obvious. He grabbed the cooler he'd packed last night from the fridge and put it in the trunk with the rest of the supplies he'd packed. Jude checked the time. He still wasn't running late, which was good. They had a long drive ahead, not to mention actually figuring out how to set up a tent.

He took a moment to sort through his texts. He answered the one from Stef and Lena that was both a 'good luck' and a 'congratulations' and then ignored the one from Mariana, asking if he had read the article she'd sent. He had opened it, late last night when he had received it, only to quickly close it again when he'd realized it was about Taylor, getting out of prison at the end of the year. Jude tried to think of her rarely and he especially wasn't going to think of her today. Today was supposed to be perfect. He refused to let anything ruin it.

Jude slid his phone into his pocket and ascended the stairs. Hades had taken over the foot of the bed, his head on Connor's legs. Connor had rolled onto his stomach, Jude's abandoned pillow clenched into his arms. Jude leant against the door frame, just for a moment, wishing he didn't have to disturb either of them. But he needed to keep to his schedule and his caffeine headache was growing, and so he crossed back to their bed, straddling Connor's thighs and running his hands up Connor's back until he reached his shoulders. Connor groaned but didn't really wake.

"Baby," Jude cooed. " _Baby_."

One of Connor's hands appeared and he reached up, grabbing Jude's leg.

"Time to wake up," Jude continued.

"You're dressed," Connor said, as if it were an accusation.

"I told you were getting up early today, remember?"

"It's Saturday," Connor said, sounding slightly whiny. "We're supposed to sleep in. You promised."

Jude had, years ago, when real jobs and life in general had started depriving them of the slow, sleepy mornings that Connor was so in love with. And they were good about sticking to it, rarely getting out of bed before nine or ten.

"Baby, it's special."

Connor half-turned, tugging at Jude until Jude was down on the mattress with him, Connor's strong arms around him. "It's Saturday, Jude."

His breath was hot against Jude's skin and Jude was so tempted to just stay there. Usually, their slow wake ups ended up being the highlight of his weekends and he was reluctant to give that up, even if it was for the best cause. He opened his mouth. As if Connor sensed it, he slowly kissed the back of Jude's neck, his hands purposefully seductive against Jude's front.

"Baby, we have to go." Jude didn't even convince himself.

"Go where?"

"It's a surprise."

"You know how I feel about surprises, Jude."

Jude did. He'd been trying not to think about it while he was doing his planning.

"It's a good surprise. A nice date. We haven't done one of those in a while."

"The last time we went away was for _your_ birthday. The bed and breakfast you picked out."

"Right, so we're about due."

"There's no occasion," Connor pointed out, sounding much more aware.

"Being with you _is_ an occasion," Jude said. "And I found somewhere good."

Connor laughed softly but Jude could tell that he was happy. Connor kissed the back of his neck again. "It's important, then, is it?"

"Yeah. Well, no more important than any of our other dates but … we have a deadline tonight. There's something specific we're going to see."

"Movie?"

"No."

"Concert?"

"No."

"Play?"

"No." Jude grinned. "You won't guess. Also, Hades gets to come with for all of it."

Jude felt Hades' nose against his leg.

"What are we doing, Jude?"

"It's a surprise!" Jude rolled over so that he could face Connor. "A good surprise. I really want you to see it. So, let's go. I did put the effort in."

"I know. Let's go."

But then Connor kissed him and Jude really lost all will to get out of bed and go down to the car. If it weren't for Hades launching himself from the mattress, Jude might have lost track of the world entirely but when he heard their heavy dog hit the floor, he pulled away and sat up.

"Come on, baby, get dressed."

"Okay. Just for you," Connor said.

Everything else done, Jude just sat on the bed and watched Connor change. Connor laughed at him but continued on. Jude just bit his bottom lip, thinking of just how long Connor had spent being shy and not understanding what Jude saw in him, to the subtle change in Connor starting to show off for him and then, watching Connor actually start to like the attention. Jude still wasn't sure if Connor fully understood why Jude liked him – every so often, he would say something that left Jude realizing that Connor was still convinced that Jude was too good for him – but he knew Connor loved him too.

"All right," Connor finally said. "I think I'm ready. What should I pack, Jude? Will I need anything too fancy?"

"All packed and ready to go," Jude said. "Just this one time. I promise. I won't do it again."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Are we going far?"

"It's a long drive," Jude admitted. "It'll take most of the day and then there's some stuff before the, uh event."

Connor was just staring at him.

"Trust me, baby."

"I do," Connor said and Jude chose to take those exact words as a sign, even though he knew it was pure coincidence.

Connor called to Hades as they walked down the stairs.

"Do you have his leash and harness? What about food and water? Bowls?"

"Baby, I took care of him," Jude promised. "I swear, you coddle him more than you would an actual child."

"Dogs are better," Connor said. "Kids are too easy to screw up and hurt."

"I know, I know," Jude said. "We talked about it. No kids. Just a lot of babysitting the nephews and nieces."

Connor looked anxiously over his shoulder. "Are you sure you don't hate me for that? I thought you would want kids."

"Baby, no," Jude said, stopping just in front of their garage door. He rubbed his hands down Connor's arms. "We talked about it, remember? I don't need my own kids to be happy. I would rather have you than a million kids."

"I'm less work than a million kids," Connor agreed and Jude just laughed. Connor kissed him again. "Okay, let's go."

Jude took the driver's seat while Connor helped Hades into the back seat before getting in the front.

"First, coffee. Then, date time."

"You and your coffee," Connor said. "I think you love it more than me."

"Well, as long as I'm not obvious about it, do you really mind?"

"Yes," Connor said, bitterly.

Jude glanced at him in surprise but Connor was just smiling at him. Jude couldn't help but reach across the console to cradle his face and then press his lips to Connor's. He was interrupted when Hades' long tongue left streaks of drool along both his cheeks and Connor's.

"Okay, okay," Jude said, laughing. "I've got the message! Off we go!"

And off they went.

(-.-)

Connor twirled his stick in his hands and then leant his marshmallow over the fire. Next to him, Jude did the same with a hot dog, his head on Connor's shoulder. Night had fallen around them leaving the trees looking like looming shadows. Connor tried not to twitch with every unexpected noise, unsure of how he felt about the empty forest, no matter how comforting the world felt inside of the warm bubble of the fire. Hades kept bounding just out of their little clearing to go and sniff but Connor kept calling him back, worried he would run into an animal bigger than him.

"I didn't think you would bring me camping, Jude," Connor finally admitted.

"Why not?"

"Neither of us are really the camping type, are we?"

"I went a couple of times with my family when I was a teenager."

"I know, I just never thought you would take me."

Jude shrugged and pulled his hot dog out of the fire, gently testing it with his fingers before putting it back. "Don't catch your marshmallow on fire, baby."

"Don't give me cooking advice," Connor teased him but he removed his stick from the flames.

Jude grinned. "Do you not want to camp? Do you want to go?"

Connor half-grumbled, "We spent too much time putting up the tent. I'm not leaving for a week."

Jude _really_ laughed then.

"HADES! Here!"

Hades rocketed back to them, sitting at Jude's feet and expectantly looking toward the hot dog. Connor reached out and scratched behind his ear.

"Also, Jude, what was that event you were talking about?"

Jude looked at the time on his cell phone. "Give me a few more minutes."

"If anything comes out of those woods, I will lose it."

"Nothing's coming out of the woods!"

"Hrm." Connor put a new marshmallow on the end of his stick., lowering it into the flames. He twirled the stick idly

"Oh, baby, it's time," Jude said. "Look up."

 _Up_? Connor thought. There was nothing _up_. He looked anyway, just to placate Jude and then he gasped.

"It's the meteor shower!" he exclaimed, dropping his marshmallow into the fire in his excitement to stand. He had read about the shower and had been disappointed that they weren't supposed to be able to view it that well from home. Connor could only turn into a circle, trying to see all of the streaks of light at once. Jude had found the perfect spot. Trees so that they were sheltered and able to be alone but a big enough clearing that there was an unobstructed view of the stars. "It's beautiful!"

Jude stood up next to him, squeezing his hand. "Glad we came?"

"Yes!" Connor laughed and repeated, "It's beautiful!"

He glanced quickly at Jude but Jude was just looking up at him. Connor grinned happily and looked back up.

"This was worth all the driving," Connor said. "It's so beautiful, Jude. Thank you."

Jude cleared his throat and it sounded awkward to Connor's ears. "Actually, baby, the meteor shower isn't the only reason I brought you here."

"Are you … you going to kill me and leave me in the woods?" Connor tried to joke, even though he knew it wasn't really funny and neither of them really laughed.

"No."

Jude let go of his hand as Connor half-turned again, trying to follow the tail of a meteor that had looked unexpectedly green. Could they be green or was he just imagining it?

"Connor."

Connor hated to look away from the sky but Jude sounded so serious that he tore his eyes away from the spectacle in front of him. His eyes sought out Jude and then his heart nearly stopped when he realized Jude was down on one knee, a ring box in his hand.

"Connor, I'm so in love with you. I couldn't imagine my life without you."

Breathless, Connor sunk to his knees against the slightly damp earth, unable to take his eyes from Jude's face.

"Waking up to you is the best part of my day and I want to do that for years to come. I want to make dinner with you and have our home with dogs and love and laughter. You lift my heart just by looking at you and I know we can not just survive but … but … _flourish_. We have survived. We survived the worst right after we met, practically, and now it's our time to be together, not just as boyfriends. Out of everything in this world, Connor, I just want you to be my husband. Will you please do me the honour of marrying me?"

Connor really couldn't breathe. He hadn't seen it coming. Except Jude had opened the box and there was a gold ring there that was meant for _him_. Jude wanted to marry _him_.

"You want to marry _me_?" Connor whispered. It was unbelievable. It shouldn't be. After all he knew to be true, after all of the years they had together, after all he loved Jude, it shouldn't be a shock, but it was. Marriage was something beyond. " _Me_?"

"You," Jude said, and Connor was so glad that Jude was smiling at him. "I want to marry _you_ but the question is: do _you_ want to marry _me_?"

Connor didn't really think that was a question at all. "Yes."

Of course, he wanted to marry Jude. There wasn't anyone else but Jude. He didn't understand why Jude would want him, but he never had. He loved Jude with more than he was capable with and he had never questioned whether or not life with Jude was what he wanted, once he realized that was what he wanted. Jude reached for his hand, picking the ring out of the box. Connor gave him his left hand and the cool ring slid across it, fitting him perfectly. Connor picked his hand up and held it close to his face. He was wearing an engagement ring.

"You want to marry me," he said to himself, but Jude, of course, heard him.

"With everything I have."

Connor felt a hot tear streak down his face. "We're going to get married."

"We're going to get married, baby," Jude said, sitting right in front of him and he sounded so _happy_ that Connor felt his heart swell in his chest.

He launched himself into Jude's arms, throwing his own arms around Jude's neck. He pressed his lips to Jude's and then just laughed, listening to his voice bounce around the trees.

"What do you think?" Jude asked.

Connor leant his head back and looked up at the stars. "Jude, it was perfect."

Jude kissed his neck and then Hades burst between them. He sat on Connor's lap and licked at his face.

"Hades," Connor said, his voice shaky. "We're going to get married."

Maybe if he said it enough, it would sink in. Jude wanted to marry him. He was going to get married.

"Not you and Hades, I'm hoping."

Connor just laughed all over again. "No, but he's going to be in it."

"Ring dog?"

"Ring dog," Connor agreed.

Jude's arm slung around his shoulders and they sat on the ground, looking back up at the sky. Connor found that he couldn't quite concentrate on it properly anymore. He kept sneaking glances down at his new ring, gleaming brightly on his finger. He was engaged now. He struggled to let it sink in. Jude loved him enough to want to marry him. He was going to get married. There was a ring on his finger and Jude was the right man. They were going to walk down an aisle and say vows and they were going to plan it and do it together. It was the way that things should be done, unlike the way that it had almost happened last time for him.

"It was my last never," Connor murmured, the realization hitting him as he thought backward.

"What?" Jude asked.

"Getting married," Connor clarified, raising his voice from a whisper. "It was my last never. And now you have all of them."

"Is that so bad?" Jude asked.

"No. It's not even a little bit bad." It was almost like proof, that Jude was the one to break all of the barriers.

Jude kissed his cheek. "Look up. It's only going to last a little bit more."

The meteor shower, maybe, but other things would last forever. Connor turned the ring on his finger. It was warm already, as if it were part of his skin, as if his body had already adapted to it. Playing with it gently, he watched the last of the meteors fall. Without their presence, the world seemed eerily dark.

"Should we go in the tent?" Jude asked.

"Okay. You go turn on the light, I'll take care of the fire."

That taken care of, he and Jude fumbled around one another in the tent so they could change into pyjamas. They let Hades inside, then, and Connor carefully zipped up the tent. It felt colder inside the tent than it did outside and, so, after getting Hades snuggled in his bed, he quickly climbed under the blankets. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor's waist, his head on Connor's shoulder. Connor squeezed his right arm around Jude and then he lifted up his left hand, turning the ring again. He was wearing an engagement ring.

"I forgot to show you this." Jude picked up the light and slid the ring off Connor's finger. Connor almost whined. That was his. "I engraved it."

Connor took the ring and the light, reading the words. "'And the rest of you'. Jude, that's perfect!"

"I wanted it to be perfect. You're perfect."

"You are," Connor said and he slid the ring back on. He flicked off the light and rested it down by their squishy mattress. "I … am actually really excited to get married to you."

"Really?"

"Really. We're going to get married."

Jude laughed. "Do you really believe it?"

"Maybe not. Maybe I'll make up in the morning and you'll have to do it all over again just so I can believe it."

"It was too nervous. I messed up. I had a speech prepared. I practiced it on the drive up when you weren't paying attention but that wasn't what I was thinking, really, at all. That flourishing stuff? I don't know where that came from."

"I loved it," Connor assured him and then asked, "Why were you nervous?"

"I was worried you might say 'no'."

"I never say no to you."

"I thought I might have finally found the thing."

"I'm glad you asked, Jude. I wouldn't have been able to get up the courage to ask you."

Jude readjusted his head. "Were you thinking about asking me?"

"No," Connor admitted. "I wouldn't have been able to ask you."

"I always have to do the asking."

"That's not true!" Connor protested. "I asked you to kiss me first! I asked you to be my boyfriend first! I asked you to have sex first! This is your first question!"

"I asked you on a date first," Jude said and he sounded smug.

"Okay, one. Well, two, now," Connor said. "But it's all been really good, hasn't it, Jude?"

"It can only get better," Jude said. "We have a long time for it to get better. It's going to be you and me, baby, for as long as possible."

"Marriage is forever," Connor said. "I believe that's what it should be. The right person, the right time, and it's worth it to wait."

"And I'm the right person?"

"Yes," Connor said with conviction.

"And now is the right time?"

"No," Connor said. "We're not getting married _now_."

"No," Jude laughed. "When's the right time to get married?"

"Early September," Connor answered. He turned on his side and faced Jude, rubbing their noses together.

"We should get married outside."

"During the day. Not too formal."

"No. Matching ties. Should I wear a white suit and you can wear a black one?"

"No," Connor said flatly.

"Sorry."

"You've got more good ideas in there, I'm sure, but we don't have to talk about it all right now."

Connor moved Jude onto his back sliding his body between Jude's legs. Jude's fingers tangled in Connor's long hair and pulled his head down. Connor pressed his body down the length of Jude's before kissing him deeply. All he needed was the warmth of Jude and the knowledge that Jude loved him too.

He lifted his lips from Jude. "You want to marry me."

Jude laughed at him again, as Connor was sure that he would keep doing. "I want to marry you."

"I want to marry you too."

"Good."

And then Jude kissed him again.

(-.-)

Connor slid a treat to Hades in the backseat and Hades quickly snapped it up.

"Don't spoil him so much."

"He deserves something for spending all that time in the backseat," Connor said. He rubbed his hand along his jeans, getting off the dog drool.

"What do I get for spending all this time in the driver's seat?" Jude asked.

"There's ice-cream in the freezer at home."

Connor glanced over at Jude, who shook his head. "Not what I meant."

Well, Connor knew that but he still wasn't good at voicing what kinds of physical things he wanted to do to Jude. He finally looked away from his fiancé and his body warmed at the thought of the word. He looked down at his ring. It was simple, gold and not flashy at all, but it was exactly what he wanted.

"I'm going to have to go visit Mom and tell her all about it. First thing we do when we go see Dad next month, okay?"

"First thing," Jude said. "We'll leave early for family dinner at Moms tomorrow so we can go tell Callie."

"Did you tell anyone you were going to do this?" Connor asked.

"Moms and I had to tell your Dad."

"You didn't have to ask his permission or anything like that."

"I didn't because I'm not archaic," Jude scoffed. "I had to tell him because I had to ask him what colour gold your mother's rings were."

"Why –" Connor cut himself off quickly. "Do they match?"

Connor pulled the necklace out of his shirt and looped the chain around his finger so the other rings rested next to his new one. His mother's rings had a slight bit of age to them but they were clearly the same shade of gold.

"You thought of everything, didn't you?"

"I tried to. You're going to be wearing that for the rest of your life so it couldn't be anything less than perfect."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too," Jude said.

"I'm going to call, Dad," Connor decided. He picked up his phone and dialled his father.

"Hello?" Rachel answered.

"Oh, hi, Rachel," Connor said. "Is my dad around?"

"Sure, let me go grab him. How are you? How's Jude?""

"Things are good," Connor said. "Jude's great. You?"

"I'm still trying to convince your father that we should get a cat. I think I'm winning."

"Good luck," Connor said, and that was the last things that he got to say before the phone was transferred to Adam.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dad. How are you?" Connor asked.

"I'm good. How are you, Connor?" Adam asked.

"Jude asked me to marry him last night," Connor blurted, underestimating the thrill that would go through him at actually saying the words. He and Jude were going to get married. Jude wanted to marry him.

"Did you say yes or do you need me to fly out and help you move?"

"Dad!" Connor exclaimed, even though Adam was completely joking, and he was glad that he could tell the difference now.

"Congratulations," Adam said sincerely. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks, Dad."

"He's good for you," Adam said. "He always has been. But I'm always here for you, just in case."

"I don't need a just in case," Connor said. "This is what's right for me. It's going to be me and Jude at the end of the day."

Jude reached across the console to grab his hand. Connor held his hand as he said his goodbyes to his father.

"You and me, huh?" Jude said, once Connor had put his phone away.

"You and me," Connor said, perking up once they turned down their street. "And at least one dog, at all times."

"Yes and yes," Jude said. He hit the button and opened the garage door, driving in.

Jude unpacked the car while Connor let Hades run around the yard. He finally took Hades in when Jude was finished, the Pitbull grabbing a much-loved duck toy and carrying it off into their living room. Connor looked at Jude, skinny and tall and the most handsome thing Connor had ever seen.

"We should shower after spending the night in the woods," Jude said, but from the way he spoke, Connor knew the last thing Jude was thinking of was actually showering.

"Well," Connor said carefully, stepping toward him, "you do owe me after taking away my Saturday morning."

"I gave you a ring!" Jude said. "Come on, we have a date with the shower wall."

Jude grabbed his hand and led him toward the stairs. Connor laughed, letting Jude pull him along.

"We are good in the shower."

"We're good everywhere," Jude said. He walked backwards once they were upstairs, pulling Connor's shirt over his head. "'Cause we're so good _together_."

It was like they were meant to be, like that fate idea that Jude flirted with every so often. But there was something unalterably _right_ about how they fit into each other's arms. Jude kissed him and Connor couldn't help but smile.

"I love your eyes, baby," Jude whispered.

"I love you," Connor said.

"And the rest of you. All of you," Jude said.

"I love you," Connor repeated, because there was nothing else that could be said.

Loving Jude was what there was for him. It was all that he wanted and he was so indescribable lucky that Jude wanted him too, that Jude had spoken him at all, that Jude was a good man and had never given up on him. More than that, he was so thankful Jude had showed him that he was a good man too, that he was worth something too. He was deserving of the way that Jude loved him.

Jude flicked the shower on and Connor kicked the door shut.

He didn't need their dog jumping in the shower with them. Again.

THE END

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **Better Today**_ **by Coffey Anderson. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **Barefoot And Bruised**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	80. That's What I Want For Christmas

**For the girl who deserves it.**

"Hi, Dad," Connor said, trying not to look at his laptop screen as he spoke. He'd been buried in holiday recipes, trying to find something to make for he and Jude on Christmas Eve. So far, he was having trouble deciding. Everything was either too traditional or too out of the box. He supposed he should just keep to the side of tradition. After all, there had to be a reason that it had been that way for so long.

"Are you busy?"

"No. Not really."

There was an essay to be written too but Connor wasn't worried about it. He knew that class well. He could probably write the essay in his sleep. He _wouldn't_ but he probably _could_.

"Rachel and I finally got our travel plans settled for over Christmas," Adam said. "We're definitely going to be able to make it down for a short visit."

"Good," Connor said. "What are the dates?"

"December twenty-fifth to December thirty-first. It's only going to be a short visit, I'm sorry."

"It's better than nothing," Connor said and he drummed his fingers along the countertop. "Um, I'm sorry, again, for not being able to come home."

"I can't blame you for that. You probably feel like you're setting yourself up for failure by coming back here."

"Something like that," Connor admitted. "I'm working on it."

He was still working on _everything_ , or so it felt some days. Other days, he felt like he really was doing so well that he was fully healed. It was hard to slingshot back and forth and if Connor didn't have Jude, he could admit that he would probably feel completely lost. Jude kept him grounded in reality.

"Stef and Lena invited you and Rachel to come to their Christmas day dinner," Connor said. "Would you like to come meet Jude's family?"

"Sure," Adam agreed, "if that's what you want."

"I think it would be good," Connor said. "I want to be able to share Christmas with Jude this year."

"I understand. Rachel just wants to get to know you a little and I never really got to know what your life is like there. I'd like to see your new place."

"I can make you and Rachel breakfast here one morning," Connor offered.

The feeling that he would have to ask Jude's permission had left him because Connor knew that the apartment was his too and he didn't need permission to invite someone over. It had, admittedly, taken a while and he still anxiously reminded Jude every time Jake was to come over, even though Jake regularly came over every other weekend now to watch a sports game with Connor. On the alternate weekends, they would go to the batting cages. Connor was glad that his friend had taken him back and that he didn't have to feel guilty over Jude's bored expression every time he flipped to a game he wanted to watch.

"We'd both really love that. Also, one more thing."

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I bought your present and shipped it to you. It'll arrive tomorrow or the day after."

"Dad, it's not even Christmas yet!"

"I know but I thought you might want to have it for the holidays."

"Thank you, Dad."

"You're welcome. Text me if you need anything. Tell Jude I said 'hi'."

"I will."

"Love you."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hung up his phone and turned back to his laptop. Were Stef and Lena more likely to be having ham or turkey? Should he really cook either? Would he and Jude eat that many leftovers? Pasta. He would stick to pasta; Jude always liked that. Then again, it wasn't very Christmas-y and that was what he wanted. He sighed, switching to a new site, and then the door burst open.

"How was work?" Connor asked, not even turning around.

"Benjamin turned in his two weeks notice," Jude said, leaning by Connor to drop dishes in the sink.

"Dishwasher's empty, you know."

"I know." Jude grinned impishly and kissed his cheek. "But, I'm in a hurry. We've got places to be."

Connor hadn't been prepared for that. "Go where?"

"Places." Jude pulled open a dresser drawer and yanked off his work shirt, letting it pool on the floor.

"I'm getting you a second hamper for Christmas," Connor warned.

Jude just laughed at him. "I'll pick it up when we get home, promise."

"Where are we going?" Connor asked.

"Surprise!" Jude announced, spinning around to face Connor and throwing his arms out wide.

"I hate surprises."

"I know." Jude was in front of him again, nose to nose.

"It's too early to be dinner."

Jude bent his head slightly and kissed him gently.

"I'm not going to be distracted," Connor mumbled against his lips. "Where are we going?"

Jude's arms wound around Connor's waist, pulling them closer together. Connor felt as though he could scarcely breathe when Jude kissed him. He fell into his boyfriend, throwing both arms around Jude's neck, wondering how he ever could have been so scared of something so great. Jude leant back slowly.

"We're going Christmas shopping."

"I have your present already." Helpfully, Jake had stored it at his apartment so Connor didn't have to convince Jude not to snoop.

"No, like, decorations. If we're going to have our first Christmas together, we're going to go overboard."

Connor ran his fingers through Jude's soft hair. "We were dating last Christmas."

"Yeah but we didn't spend it _together_. And you won't avoid me this Christmas."

" _Can't_ ," Connor said. "Though it'd be fun to try in an apartment this size."

Jude laughed. "No. No avoiding me. If you have a sex dream about me, you have to wake me up so we can act it out immediately."

Connor wanted to laugh but he only managed smile. His insecurities about sex should probably be over now that they were having it but it just brought on a whole new set of questions. What did Jude _really_ think? Were they having too much or too little? Connor had stopped feeling guilty about the times when he turned Jude down but he was still unsure about the times that he asked Jude first. Sometimes, it was still hard to do. But Jude understood that.

"I hate waking you up," Connor mused.

"I know. You don't have to. I'm just saying, don't be afraid to do it." Jude kissed his forehead and then grinned. "Put your shoes on, baby. We're going to make it Christmas."

But Connor just picked up Jude's hand, wanting to hold onto him. "What kinds of decorations do you want?"

"Mistletoe everything."

Connor did laugh that time. "No, really, Jude."

"I don't know. We'll know when we see it but we should definitely get a door wreath."

"Okay. A door wreath."

"Now, shoes, please!"

"Okay," Connor agreed. Connor shut his laptop and slid from the stool, narrowly missing Jude's toes. "Dad and Rachel are coming for Christmas."

"Should I tell Moms?"

"Yeah. We're also making them breakfast one morning," Connor mentioned, sidling by Jude to put his shoes on.

Jude bounced his car keys against his palm. " _We_ will do our best to not set anything on fire."

Connor pulled the door open. "Can you at least pretend that I've taught you something?"

"Yeah. Why should I cook when you're so much better at it?"

"Jude!"

"Only a little sorry, baby." Jude locked the front door and they walked up the hill to Gerald. "Want to drive?"

"No, I hate driving."

"What do you hate more, driving or surprises?"

"Driving _is_ a surprise," Connor complained, putting himself in the passenger seat. He looked over at Jude. "I only trust you because you're definitely better than a bus driver."

"Hey!"

"Only a little sorry," Connor quipped.

Jude laughed and let across the console to kiss him again. He let out his happy little hum as their lips met and that sound always made Connor smile.

"Okay, baby, let's go get Christmas."

(-.-)

"Jude! I thought we were going home."

"One more stop first."

"Where could we possibly be going?" Connor asked, feeling drained. Gerald's trunk was crammed full of shopping bags overflowing with twinkling lights and little snowmen. There just simply wasn't room for more in the car, let alone in their apartment.

"We're here, if you'd like to pay attention."

Connor sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and looked out the window. "A tree lot? We're at a tree lot?"

"We're getting a real Christmas tree," Jude said. "I snuck decorations into the bag. Surprise!"

Connor smiled out the window. "Okay, you win. I like _this_ surprise."

"Yes! Points for Jude!" Jude cheered himself on. "Come on. We need to find a short tree."

"Did you remember to buy a tree stand?" Connor asked, wondering just how it was going to fit in their apartment.

"Nope, didn't have to. I stole the old one from Moms last time we were down."

Connor looked out at the green trees in front of him and the few people milling about. "You've been planning this for a while."

"It's our first Christmas together. I wanted it to be perfect. And," Jude added softly, "it's the first Christmas without Callie and I really want to be able to believe that it's still going to be Christmas without her. Not the same, of course, but she'd want me to still love the holiday, right?"

"Right." Connor clenched his hand tightly around Jude's. "Come on. We'll go find a short, fat tree to take up all of our floor space."

Connor was relieved when Jude cracked a smile. "What? Are you going to crawl across the kitchen counters to get to the fridge?"

"Unhygienic," Connor insisted. "I'll slide along the floor under the tree."

Jude snorted. "That, I actually _don't_ believe."

"Come on, prove me wrong."

"That's your favourite hobby, not mine," Jude teased, but he opened the door of the car.

Connor didn't have a chance to ask him what he meant by that. He tucked himself into Jude's side as they started walking between the trees. Most of them they didn't even stop to consider. They were clearly way too tall for the basement apartment. They finally found the trees more suited to the size that they were looking for. They looked critically up and down them until Connor found one that was just barely shorter than Jude.

"If we put it right behind the couch then it shouldn't take up too much room," Connor mused, standing it up from the fence it was leaning on. "What do you think?"

"I think it's perfect," Jude said. "Good choice, baby."

"Thanks."

"Do you need help carrying it?" Jude asked.

"No, it's not as heavy as you'd probably expect a tree to be."

"Or you're stronger than a tree's heavy," Jude said. "Anyway, good, because you're going to have to hold it on your lap for the drive home."

"Jude!" Connor exclaimed as his boyfriend snickered. "Do you know how to put it on a roof?"

"No," Jude mused. "I found cables but we're going to need help."

As Connor lugged the tree over to the pay booth, he hoped that there was, in fact, someone there who would help them load the tree. He couldn't imagine anything worse than having to do it themselves and then ending up doing it _wrong_ , resulting in the tree sliding off the top of Gerald as Jude drove them home. Luckily, his fears were for naught. While Connor paid the old woman at the booth, her grizzled husband helped Jude with the tree. Despite the fact that the man had clearly been helping people do the same thing for ages, Connor was still nervous when they finally started driving again, anxiously watching the tree to see if it even started to move at all.

"Relax, baby, it's fine. Even if it's not, there's no one behind us."

"There's no one behind us _right now_ ," Connor emphasized.

Jude nodded and turned the radio up a little. Connor rested his head against the window and looked up at the sky.

"I'll have to start dinner when we get home."

"What are you making?"

"Chicken parmesan. It won't take me long."

"Sounds good, baby."

Jude finally pulled in the driveway. Connor helped him wrestle the tree down the hill and through the front door. Though he tried not to, he watched the needles drop across the floor and the rug. He was going to have a pine needle problem by the time it was time to get rid of the tree. He itched to get the broom as he hefted the tree into the tree stand, moving it back and forth until Jude decided that it wasn't crooked and ducked under the tree to tighten the screws. When he emerged, he said, "Okay, you take a look. Make sure it looks okay before I get up."

Connor backed away from the tree, eyeing it critically. "It looks good to me, Jude."

Jude rolled up from the floor. "All right. I'm going to go grab the rest of the bags."

"I can help."

"You're helping by making dinner." Jude kissed his nose. "You don't have to do everything."

"I _could_."

"Yeah, but you don't have to. There's two of us for a reason."

"There's two of us because you thought I was hot last year."

"To be fair, I think you're hot this year too." Jude grinned. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Jude."

Jude headed back out the door, leaving it open for himself. Connor went about gathering ingredients on the counter but he kept an eye on the door. He didn't know what he was expecting to show up, he just knew that he was expecting something. Except, there was just Jude, carrying too many bags on his arms and walking sideways through the door so that he could fit through it. He deposited most of the bags on the couch. He opened one and pulled out the door wreath and hanger, settling it over the door.

"What do you think?"

"It looks good!"

Jude shut the door and Connor heard the lock click. Then, to his surprise, Jude joined him in the kitchen, grabbing the peeler out of the drawer and picking up one of the potatoes.

"I thought you were going to decorate," Connor said.

"I don't want to decorate without you. Doing it together is the point. So, I'll help you and then you'll help me."

Connor tilted his head as Jude kissed his cheek. They worked mostly in silence until Jude got bored of that and started playing Christmas music. It was only the beginning of the month but Jude was already so into the holiday occasion. Connor just smiled as Jude hummed along to the familiar tunes. Finally, the chicken was in the oven and the vegetables were all prepped. Connor washed off his hands, loaded the dishwasher, and then he and Jude found the decorations for the tree. The lights proved difficult and Jude ended up with them half tangled around them. Connor laughed.

"Look at you."

Connor carefully untangled Jude and they got the lights on the tree. Connor plugged them in and the brightly coloured lights glowed from inside the branches. It was a cute first tree and started to look even better when Jude started wrapping red and gold tinsel around it. Connor pulled the pack of glittering bulbs that Jude had bought and started hanging them off the branches, following Jude around the tree. He tried to make them as even and spread out as possible. It was a simple little tree but it looked wonderful when Jude stretched up and placed the star tree topper he'd bought on top of the tree. It lit up from the inside and cast a brighter glow around their small space than Connor thought that something that size would.

"I love it!" Jude announced and Connor was glad to hear that. He wanted to love their first Christmas together more than he could say – and he was sure that he would – but with the way Jude talked, Connor knew that loving this particular Christmas was so important for him.

Connor wrapped his arms around Jude's waist, hugging him tightly. "Do you want to do the rest of the apartment?"

"Mhm. I want to get it all done tonight."

"You start. I just need to turn on the potatoes."

"Okay, baby."

Connor went back to the kitchen but Jude slipped into the bathroom. Knowing he didn't have much time, Connor grabbed clear tape from the junk drawer and grabbed one of the sprigs of mistletoe Jude had bought from the bag on the couch. Connor climbed up onto the bed. He attached the mistletoe to the ceiling, right above their pillows. He hoped that it wouldn't fall down throughout the night and then he jumped from the bed, rushing back to the kitchen. He was able to have the potatoes going by the time that Jude came back to the kitchen.

"Everything smells good."

"You always say that."

"Yeah but I still mean it." Jude hugged him tightly. "Just like how I meant it when I say I love you."

"We've got some time before everything's done. Let's get the rest of the decorations up."

"Okay."

Jude carefully hung small snowflakes along the front of the cactus pots while Connor taped up a small garland around the edges of their dressers and the bookshelf. As Connor carefully tied little red ribbons along the garlands, Jude went rustling through the bags.

"Connor, do you remember how many mistletoe sprigs I bought?"

"No. Why?"

"I thought I got five but I can only find four."

"Is that a big deal? We don't even really have room for four things of mistletoe." Connor fought to stay focused on the ribbons. What if Jude had the same idea that he did and also tried to hang one up over the bed?

"Fine," Jude grumbled playfully.

Connor watched him as he put one up by the front door, the bathroom door, the kitchen door, and then he dangled one above Connor's head.

"Means you have to kiss me."

Connor stood up on his toes to reach Jude's lips, just leaning into the kiss when he heard the ding of his oven timer. He skipped away from Jude to the kitchen. He heard Jude groan good-naturedly.

"Always the food!" he complained.

"Good thing you love to eat."

Connor handed the potato masher over to Jude while he checked the chicken breasts. Satisfied, he grabbed plates for them and made them up, Jude dishing out the potatoes while Connor added salad. With drinks and salad dressing sitting at their seats, Jude and Connor finally sat down.

"What do you want for Christmas dinner?" Connor asked.

"Anything you want to make."

"That's not helpful," Connor said. "No, really, I want you to help me pick. I can't decide."

"I'll be happy if we order pizza and watch Rudolph."

"No, you won't," Connor said. "At least about the pizza part."

"That's true. Hey, why don't you to try homemade Chinese food? That could be good."

Connor stuck his fork through his lettuce. "It might be. Is that Christmas enough?"

"I think so. It's what _we_ think that counts."

"It is," Connor agreed, thinking, "I could make fried rice, sweet and sour pork, and … something else."

"Egg rolls?" Jude suggested. "Chow mien?"

"I can do four things. What's Chinese food without egg rolls?" Connor said.

"True. Thanks for dinner tonight, baby."

"You're welcome," Connor said. "Do you like it?"

"I love it." Jude leant on his elbow and stuck chicken in his mouth. "Connor?"

"What?"

"The Christmas present you got me … is it that comforter I wanted?"

Connor tried not to let his face give him away. "I thought you had enough blankets."

"Babe, I didn't get to this point by thinking I had _enough_ blankets … or pillows," Jude added. "Come on. Is it? Is it?"

"What did you get _me_ for Christmas?" Connor asked.

"Nothing, yet. Don't worry. I have a plan."

"I wasn't worried," Connor insisted.

"Mhm," Jude mused.

When dinner was finished, they put the dishes into the dishwasher. Jude was tired – he'd had a long work day. He pulled on his pyjamas and climbed onto to couch, curling his legs up. Connor lifted Jude's feet onto his lap so he could sit down, pressing his thumbs to the bottom of Jude's feet. Jude's toes curled and he sighed happily.

"Rom com or tattoo show?" Jude asked, flipping through the channel guide.

Connor glanced up at the screen. "That movie's too cheesy."

"I thought you _liked_ cheesy," Jude said, picking the tattoo show.

"I like _you_ being cheesy and that's mostly the you part."

"He loves me," Jude said to no one.

"Yeah," Connor murmured, even though he didn't _have_ to. Even though he knew that Jude knew and was sure of it. He said it anyway because he knew that Jude liked it when he did.

Jude wrapped his arms around his pillow, holding onto it as he flipped onto his back and looked up at the tree. He pulled himself up so he was sitting and the tree was so close to the couch that the colours of the lights splayed across Jude's skin. Connor laughed.

"You almost look like you've got a skin disease or something."

"Hey!" Jude laughed, lightly swatting the pillow against his legs. "Well, so do you, baby, but I was nice enough to not point it out."

"Oh!" Connor grabbed the pillow from Jude and held it up against his torso instead.

Jude didn't fight him for it, instead reaching for the lone sprig of plastic mistletoe that he had left on the coffee table. Jude squeezed it between his fingers.

"Should I hang it over the bed?"

"I already kiss you in bed. I already kiss you everywhere," Connor said.

"I could hang it in the shower," Jude said.

Connor hid his face against the pillow, trying not to blush. He and Jude had been taking most of their showers together recently, leading Jude to grumble, each time, that they should get a new apartment just for the chance to have a bigger shower. Each time Connor laughed, defending the small apartment. It had been hard for him to move in here, why tempt fate by trying to move him again? Jude would shake his head and say he wasn't going to tempt it _quite yet_ but, eventually, they'd get tired of sharing one large room.

"Why not hang it in Gerald?" Connor suggested.

"Well, then, how would you feel when I had someone else in Gerald?"

"How are you going to feel when Jake comes over this weekend?"

Jude glanced around at the mistletoe he'd put up. "I'll take it down like a good jealous boyfriend."

"You're not jealous."

"No." Jude turned, his head in Connor's lap. He snuggled into Connor. "No, I know you. It's not like you'd just suddenly leave me for someone else, if you ever left me."

"Not again," Connor murmured. "I don't know how I could be without you again."

"You're lucky I love you too, then," Jude mused, hugging Connor's legs.

"I know," Connor said, his fingers tangling in Jude's hair. "Believe me, I know."

Jude peeked his head up and Connor knew what he was asking for. He was happy to lean down and kiss his boyfriend, Jude reaching up to hook his hands around the back of Connor's neck. Connor had become used to Jude's loose and featherlight touch against his skin. Leigh's dream hands still haunted him and he could feel the difference. There was even a difference in the way that Jude touched him but that shouldn't have surprised him either. He kissed Jude again and again until Jude's hands slid to his cheeks and held his head in place so that he was leaning down and they were just looking at one another. There were a million things that Connor wanted to say – _you're my favourite person, there's no one like you, you're incredible_ – but he couldn't bring himself to speak and break the silence. Jude's dark eyes were beautiful as he stared back at Connor and then a smile tugged at his lips.

"I love your eyes, baby."

Connor kissed his forehead.

"Do you want to go to bed?" he asked, trying to keep his hands from shaking as the words fell from his lips.

"I'm not _that_ tired."

"I didn't say sleep," Connor whispered. "I said bed."

"Yes," Jude said. "Hey, want to grab an extra thing of tinsel? You can tie me up, it'll be festive."

"Don't push your luck," Connor mused.

"If I didn't, we probably wouldn't be dating," Jude said. "You never would have talked to me first."

Connor had to agree to that. He stroked Jude's cheeks and then bent down again, kissing him. Jude tugged at him and then twisted in his lap, sitting up and kissing him more passionately. Connor slid Jude's shirt off and Jude laughed at him as he folded it neatly over the back of the couch. Jude stood up and offered his hands. Connor let Jude pulled him up from the couch and they tumbled over to the bed. Jude snuggled down onto the bed.

"You know, that blue comforter would be so great right now. I –" Jude cut himself off as he looked up. "Ah! My other mistletoe!"

"Means you kiss me now."

"I'll kiss you anywhere."

Jude sat up and pressed his lips to Connor's, slowly pinning his boyfriend underneath him, straddling his legs. Connor ended up with his feet by the pillows, his head on the pile of blankets at the end of Jude's bed. He closed his eyes as Jude pulled his shirt over his head and then kissed softly at his skin, all the way down his chest. After months of this, Connor was still in awe that it was so right with Jude and that it could feel so good. It amazed him that he could be so comfortable with someone who could make his heart race along so crazily with just the tips of their fingers.

"God, you're hot," Jude said, pulling the zipper on Connor's jeans.

Connor's eyes popped open. He wasn't sure what to say to Jude when Jude complimented him like that. Even though Connor would be genuine when he said it, it felt cheap to immediately say something similar about Jude. Connor wrapped his fingers around Jude's wrist and tugged Jude to him, kissing him wildly, hoping that Jude could feel everything that he didn't know how to say. Jude smiled and Connor loved that expression on his face.

"You know, that comforter would probably be really comfortable to be naked on."

Connor laughed and started working Jude's jeans off his legs. "Let it go. I already have your present."

"Yeah but you won't tell me what it is!" Jude said.

"Three weeks until Christmas."

"Too long."

"Let me distract you," Connor offered.

"You did ask me to bed," Jude mused, and then he kissed Connor again.

(-.-)

"Other than the seafood thing, is there anything else that Moms need to know about feeding Adam and Rachel?" Jude asked.

Connor pulled the sugar out of the cupboard, watching the coffee maker drip the last bit of coffee into the pot. "No, don't think so. I'll text Dad later and double check."

"Okay."

Connor put two mugs down on the counter and glanced over at Jude, who was still sitting on the edge of the bed, swinging his legs as he texted his parents. Connor could have just watched him forever, trying to figure out how someone like Jude was real at all. He rested his elbows on the counter and just leant forward.

"If I suck up will you carry my coffee over to me?" Jude asked.

"If you suck up, I'll even pour it first."

Jude laughed and Connor pushed himself back up, but stopped cold as someone knocked on the door. He and Jude didn't get unexpected visitors, especially not at ten in the morning when they hadn't even had their coffee yet. Jude glanced over at Connor, who shrugged, and then Jude heaved himself off the bed and answered the door.

"Hi," Jude said, and Connor heard a man's voice from the other side of the door.

"Hi, I've got a package here for Connor Stevens. I just need a signature."

"I can sign," Jude said.

Connor exhaled, even though he listened to the remainder of the short conversation. It was just his gift from his father. He poured his and Jude's coffee and had the mugs waiting when Jude carried the large, wrapped box over to the counter and put it down.

"What do you think it is?" Jude asked.

"The box is bigger than expected."

"It's not that heavy," Jude said, but that wasn't a real clue.

Connor put Jude's mug in his hands and Connor took a sip of his own coffee before he shook the box gently. It rattled a little. He began to take the wrapping paper off, revealing the plain brown box. He grabbed a knife, cut open the tape, and then opened the box.

"Oh!" he exclaimed.

"What is it?"

"It's a slow cooker!" Connor said and he hurriedly pulled it out of the box. "I can bake and cook at the same time! Oh, Jude, for Christmas morning I can make cinnamon rolls in it for breakfast! It's going to be great!"

"I am going to get so fat," Jude mused.

"You can come to the gym with me," Connor offered, though without his usual focus. He had found the instruction manual.

"No, no, I'm going to enjoy being fat, I think," Jude said. "It'll be comfortable. I'll be warm. I can just roll down the hill from the car."

Connor laughed. "Oh, this is going to be great! There's going to be so many new recipes to try."

"Baby, there's something in it already."

"What?" Connor put the manual down. He took the glass lid off the top of the slow cooker and peered inside. He wasn't expecting another part to the gift – the slow cooker had been more than enough. When he saw the cutely painted face staring back at him, though, Connor's heart lifted. "It's Elf on the Shelf!"

"Elf on the Shelf," Jude repeated. "What do we do with it?"

Connor reached into the slow cooker and pulled the elf out, realizing that there was a note safety pinned to his back. Connor flipped him over, recognizing his father's handwriting.

 _Connor,_

 _Remember him? Your mom loved him and named him Nick. I found him in the attic this year and I thought you'd like to have him. I hope he likes it with you and Jude._

 _Love,_

 _Dad._

Connor remembered him. He and his mother would always play with him when he was younger and Connor remembered asking her, once, why the elf's name was Nick when Nick didn't seem like an elf name at all. And that was when Mom had explained the words _St. Nicholas_ to him and said the elf was very proud to be named after Santa himself.

"He's my mom's elf," Connor said. "Dad found him."

"So, does he sit on a shelf?"

"It's a game," Connor explained. "Family members are supposed to move him around on each other so that it looks like he's moving by himself."

"Oh, cute!" Jude said. "I love it. Where should we sit him first?"

Connor glanced around the apartment. Most of their surfaces were so crowded, just because they had so little space. Still, he found a spot to put Nick. He carried him over to the windowsill and sat him on the edges of two cactus pots. The early morning sun just touched the tip of his hat. Connor backed into the kitchen, making sure that Nick didn't topple over when he wasn't going to be right there to catch him. Jude's arm wrapped around his waist and he stood there with him, picking up his coffee. He and Jude sipped their drinks together just watching the elf.

"What are you going to make in the slow cooker first?" Jude asked.

"No idea," Connor admitted. "Dessert! Since we have leftovers for dinner tonight. Oh! I should call Dad!"

He could hear Jude chuckling as he scrambled for his phone but he knew that Jude wasn't laughing _at_ him and he was glad that he knew that now. Jude followed him across the floor, sitting next to him on the couch.

"How long do I have to wait to move the elf?" Jude whispered.

"Maybe he'll move by himself," Connor whispered back and Jude looked half-alarmed at the possibility. "Dad, hi!"

Connor let out another snicker as Jude kept staring across the apartment at Nick. It was definitely a good start to the Christmas season.

(-.-)

Relieved, Connor turned off Gerald and rested his head on the steering wheel. As much as he hated driving, he hated driving at night even more. It wasn't as though he had a choice about it. He had needed to pick up Jude's gift from Jake but he hadn't been able to show up until just after nine p.m. Connor got out of the car and collected Jude's bulky gift from the back, locking Gerald behind him. He wrestled the front door open, careful not to drop the gift, and walked into the warm apartment. In a change of pace, Jude was the one standing in the kitchen. Connor had left Jude in charge of making sure the Chinese food he'd spent most of the afternoon making didn't burn while he took the quick drive to Jake's.

"How's everything look?" Connor called.

"It looks great! Can we eat it now?"

Connor slid the gift under the tree, trying not to knock the gift bag that Jude had under the other side for him. He padded into the kitchen, hugging Jude from behind as he peeked at the food.

"I think it looks done," Jude said.

"I think so too," Connor agreed. "Do you want me to dish it up and you find a movie?"

"I've got the movie ready to go," Jude said. "It's a Grinch night."

"Don't want to jinx it," Connor said, finally letting go of Jude to go fetch plates. "You don't want to wake up tomorrow and find that your Christmas present was stolen."

"You mean my comforter."

"I don't think that looks like a comforter."

Jude stuck his head out the doorway and stared down at his gift. "It's big, though."

"So was Ampelos."

"Did you buy Ampelos a friend?"

"You'll find out tomorrow," Connor said, trying to sound casual.

"You're still no good at lying to me, baby," Jude teased, kissing his cheek.

"Maybe," Connor agreed, placing Jude's plate in his hands, "but you still don't know what you're getting for Christmas."

With a playful roll of his eyes, Jude padded out of the kitchen, going to make himself comfortable in front of the TV. Connor took a long moment, grabbing sauce out of the fridge for the egg rolls. He turned out the kitchen light so that their apartment was lit only by their tree. It felt like Christmas. As Connor sat down next to Jude, he grinned, both because Nick was now sitting on top of the television and also because there was a bottle of sparkling cider sitting on the coffee table.

"Should I grab glasses?"

"No," Jude said. "It's more fun when we share the bottle."

Connor was glad he said that. It was almost tradition now to never end up using glasses when Jude picked up a bottle of cider for the two of them.

"Merry Christmas, baby," Jude said, pulling the cork out of the cider.

"Merry Christmas, Jude."

Jude kissed him before pressing play on their movie and they settled down, shoulder to shoulder while they ate. Jude devoured half of what Connor made but it just made Connor grin, glad that he'd liked it. Admittedly, Connor had been worried about making it but he was glad that Jude liked it. That was the point. Jude carried Christmas cookies they'd made the day before back to the couch once they were down with dinner and snuggled in against Connor's side to finish the movie. Connor wrapped his arm around Jude's waist and kissed the back of the neck.

"I want to get a dog," Jude mused, watching the Grinch with Max.

"Right now?"

"No. When we have a big enough place."

 _We_.

"Sounds domestic. And long-term."

"Like you're going anywhere," Jude scoffed. "How are you still so scared when we both know it's true?"

"I'm not scared of you anymore," Connor insisted. "And I know it's true, Jude. I'm more scared of not getting it than I am of anything else. And I don't like change. I worry if we do one little thing different, then it'll ruin everything and we won't get what we want."

"We won't get what we want if we keep everything the same, either."

"I didn't say I made any sense."

"I know you don't, baby. It's okay. I love you for it." Connor hugged him closer. "Just tell me you want me."

"To be happy with you is the only thing I want."

Jude hummed and stretched out along the couch, threading his fingers through Connor's.

"A big dog," Connor said.

"What?"

"We should wait until we have a yard," Connor said, his heart thudding wildly, "because I'd rather have a big dog."

Jude turned over in his arms and grinned wildly. He whispered and whispered _"Face"_ before his fingers lightly skimmed over Connor's cheeks before sliding into his hair. Connor bent his head down toward Jude. Jude's arms wrapped around his torso, finally, just hugging him tightly. Jude said, "thank you for saying that."

"It's true."

"I know. You wouldn't say it if it wasn't."

"I …" Connor said, searching for his words. He wanted something true, something that would normally scare him to say, something that Jude would appreciate hearing. "I want a future with you. More Christmases. More birthdays. Just more of you."

"Good. I'm like a tick," Jude said, tightening all of his limbs around Connor's body. "You'll never get me off."

"You're too cute to be a tick."

"We should have Christmas every night if it puts you in such a good mood."

"I think it's just you doing this to me. Or maybe I'm just evolving."

"Healing," Jude said. "I think that's the word you were looking for."

"Maybe," Connor agreed. "Happy and healed with you. How's that sound, Jude?"

"Like we'll get there before you know it." Jude kissed him. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I think we should sleep with the tree on tonight so we can wake up to it on tomorrow."

"Jude, it's only eight."

"We're not going to bed now."

"What if it sets itself on fire?" Connor asked, trying to think more practically.

"We'll notice quickly," Jude said. "We will, I promise."

"Okay," Connor said. It was Christmas. Jude could have whatever he wanted.

"And we should watch Rudolph next."

"We'll watch Rudolph next."

Jude turned back over to face the TV and Connor fluffed the plaid blanket over them so that they could settle in.

"What time does your Dad get in?"

"Not until nearly noon. I guess Rachel prefers to fly late. We've got lots of time tomorrow."

"Good. We're going to stay up tonight."

"Why?" Connor asked. "Are you going to stay up and see if you can catch Santa?"

"Don't be silly," Jude said. "If Nick's going to move on his own, it's going to be on Christmas Eve and I want to catch it."

"I guess we'll see." Connor held Jude's hand tightly, moving it up Jude's chest so that he could feel his heartbeat against the back of his hand.

It was the most peaceful Christmas Eve that Connor could remember having in a very long time.

(-.-)

Connor woke early the next morning. True to his word, Jude had kept them up late last night, though Nick had remained peacefully perched on top of the television. Now, Jude was still in his deep sleep, facing Connor with his head nearly hidden under the blankets they'd fallen asleep under last night. Connor shifted carefully, making sure that Jude didn't stir in any way with his movements. He slipped out of bed and then tip-toed across the room, stealing Nick from the top of the TV and putting him on top of the coffee maker. He turned on the slow cooker so that the cinnamon rolls could start and, then, partially out of need and partially for a cover story, Connor then ducked into the bathroom.

When he was finished, he immediately crawled back into bed. It was only half past five in the morning. There was no reason for them to be up quite yet. He made it back to bed, squirming under the blankets. His head had just hit the pillow when Jude moved, rolling over so that his back was to Connor's front. Connor secured his arms around Jude.

"Did you dream of sugarplums?" Jude asked, his voice sounding slurred.

"What?"

"Sugarplums? From the poem, right?" Jude said. "Did you dream of sugarplums?"

"No. I dreamt of Nick and my mom moving around, except I was the size of an ant and he was massively big. It was a long dream."

"Oh." Jude pulled a pillow into his arms and hid his face into the green pillowcase. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Me too. It's early, Jude. We have a few more hours."

Jude closed his eyes and Connor pulled the blankets up around him so that he was just as snuggled in as before. He tucked his head down against Jude's shoulder blade, the warm blankets settling heavily over him. Jude fell back to sleep almost immediately but Connor wasn't quite there. He picked his head back up just enough to watch Jude's face as he dozed, losing himself in the lines of Jude's face and his own thoughts until his head hit the pillow once more.

(-.-)

Connor jerked awake, pulling his hand to his body and squinting around. There was Jude, using Ampelos's trunk to poke him awake.

"What time's it now?" Connor asked.

"Almost nine. It's a better time to wake up, isn't it?"

Connor nodded. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Jude bent down and kissed him. "Come on. Let's get up! I want to see what you got me!"

"Okay," Connor agreed, pushing himself up. "Should we put coffee on first? I need to check on the cinnamon buns."

"Okay. Then presents," Jude said, bouncing like a kid. He must have been excited, Connor realized, if he wasn't even focused on his morning coffee.

"Then presents," Connor agreed.

He and Jude got up, Jude went straight to the coffee maker.

"Hey, Nick moved!"

"What do you know?" Connor said, shrugging, but Jude threw his arms around Connor's neck.

"Thank you, baby. And we passed the mistletoe."

Connor kissed him softly but he was too concerned about his slow cooker to kiss him for long. Jude willingly let him go, turning on the coffee maker. Their cinnamon rolls were nearly perfectly cooked – perhaps a little too brown but it was Christmas and Connor told himself not to worry about it today. He lifted the rolls off the heat and turned of the slow cooker, turning to Jude, who was holding out a mug for coffee. It didn't escape Connor's notice that Jude was using the cactus mug that Connor had gotten for him last Christmas. Jude grabbed Nick from the coffee maker and relocated him to the tree. Jude sat down on the floor.

"I'm glad we left it on all night."

"Me too." Connor hadn't noticed, truthfully, but he was just glad that _Jude_ was happy. He sat down next to his boyfriend and sipped at his coffee. "You go first. You're so excited."

"Why not be excited?" Jude asked. "It's Christmas."

"It is."

Jude carefully put his mug on the floor and then drew the present toward him. Connor watched him pat along it.

"It's squishy like a comforter but it's not shaped like a comforter."

Connor took a sip of his mug, letting it cover most of his face. Jude tore open the top of the present. The first of his packages fell from the top and Jude picked it up, unwrapping dark blue slippers.

"Cozy," Jude said, and he promptly pulled them on.

Connor knew his gift to Jude was slightly boring but he also knew that it was things that Jude would like – all things he had said he wanted, too. Jude was smiling as he reached for the second package, the next largest. He ripped it open, revealing a thick robe of the same colour as the slippers.

"I'm sensing a pattern here, baby."

"Maybe you are," Connor mused, glad that the robe fit around Jude's shoulders once he pulled it on properly.

Jude grabbed the last package which was, obviously, exactly what he wanted. Still, the happy look on Jude's face made Connor grin wildly. He yanked the paper off, letting it rip and crinkle to the floor.

"My comforter!" Jude said. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."

Jude started opening it.

"Don't you want me to wash it first, so it doesn't smell like the bag?" Connor asked.

"No, it's fine." Jude fluffed it out and then snuggled closer to Connor, draping the extremely large blanket around their shoulders, "There, perfect. Like you."

Connor pressed his lips to Jude's temple.

"Your turn."

His turn.

"Careful," Jude warned.

Connor reached for the bag and dragged it toward him. It was heavier than he thought it would be. He slowly skimmed his hand down inside and he felt a scratch on the back of his hand, a feeling that was definitely familiar to him. Jude had gotten him another cactus. He felt around for the bottom of the pot and then cupped it carefully as he pulled it out, pulling away the tissue paper that had lightly been draped over it. It was leafier than any of the cactuses that he currently had. Connor tilted the pot to the side, reading the name that Jude had neatly printed on the side.

"Doc," he read, and then he looked at Jude questioningly.

"I thought we should finally do the same dwarves. You know, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Doc. Whatever the rest of them are. I'll look it up. What do you think?"

"I love it but my cactuses don't do that."

Jude laughed and cuddled up to him. "Okay, there's a few more things in there."

The next thing Connor's hand found was a book. He pulled it out, realizing that it was a beautiful leather journal. He ran his hand over the front.

"Yours is almost finished, right?" Jude said. "Look, I even started you off with a quote."

"It's beautiful," Connor murmured, almost too in awe of how lovely the journal was to open it but his curiousity over Jude's words had him cracking the book open. Jude had inscribed the date on the inside cover of the book, followed by the words: _The mind will not always remember exactly what happened but the heart will always remember the feeling – Brigette Nicole. I love you – Jude_. "It's really beautiful."

"I thought the quote was cute, you know, since you're writing it down to remember it." Jude shrugged.

"It was the perfect thing to write," Connor assured him. "I love you too."

He went to kiss Jude, but Jude ducked his head away. "You have one more present."

Connor reached into the bag one more time, his fingers around something solid and heavy. He pulled out the last object.

"A pen?" Connor asked, even though he could tell from the feel of it that it was a very nice pen.

"A fountain pen," Jude said. "I thought you might like a fancy pen to go with your fancy new journal."

Connor kissed him then, grateful for the feel of Jude's mouth against his own. What had he ever done without Jude? Jude pulled the comforter up over their heads and they were safe inside the heated bubble. Jude's hands were under his shirt, resting up over his heart. Connor kissed him again, his hand resting on the back of Jude's neck so that they were close together, even when their lips parted. Jude rested his forehead against Connor's.

"I want to spend all of my Christmases like this," Jude confessed.

"It's not over yet. We're still going to see my dad and Rachel and spend time with your family."

"But it's so great already."

"We don't know what Rachel's like."

Jude's eyes were sugar-sweet. "It'll be great, baby, you'll see."

"I believe you."

Jude kissed him. "I'm going to make a blanket fort and find cartoons. Do you want to get breakfast?"

"And more coffee?" Connor guessed.

"And when it's done, we can take a shower."

Before any of that happened, though, Connor kissed Jude one more time.

(-.-)

Connor tried not to fidget and, for once, he resented the positioning of the windows in the apartment. He couldn't see the driveway from here but he knew, from how long-ago Adam said they were leaving the airport, that his father and his girlfriend had to be so close. He didn't like it.

"Connor, baby, come sit down. You're going to pace a hole in the floor."

"At least we're in a basement," Connor mumbled and then he flopped down on the couch next to Jude. "We don't even have that much space to sit."

"Well, we'll be going to Moms soon anyway," Jude said. "Then we can battle it out for seating."

Connor knew that he was just trying to make him smile but he couldn't do it. "What if she doesn't like me?" he whispered and he couldn't keep the genuine worry out of his voice.

"She's going to _love_ you," Jude assured him. "Who wouldn't?"

"You aren't like other people," Connor said. "You understand me. You get me. You try, anyway, and you've got patience for me. What if she doesn't? What if she doesn't care or if she just dismisses me? I don't really know anything about her. And, worse, what if she doesn't like you?"

" _Me_?"

"I expect people not to like me," Connor said. "But not liking you? I can't imagine that. And what if she doesn't like _us_? Dad hasn't seemed like it but I have this secret fear that they bring out the worst in each other and she's going to be like … like the father I ran away from."

"I think if your dad had someone like that in his life, we would have noticed it before now. She's going to be great. I think she's probably good for your dad, like how we're good for each other. I think you should be optimistic. You haven't even met her yet. Why panic?"

"I _enjoy_ panicking," Connor said flatly, glad when Jude wrapped his arm around Connor's shoulder and Connor pulled his legs up on the couch with him. "What do I do if she is great?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she's not a parent but I wouldn't call her my friend, either. How do you treat your father's girlfriend?"

"Totally barking up the wrong tree," Jude said and he rubbed his hand along Connor's arm. "Treat her like a person. You're great and she'll be great and you two can figure it out together. Right now, focus on getting to know her at all. One step at a time."

Connor closed his eyes, counting Jude's breaths until he heard a knock on the door.

"You're okay," Jude whispered as he stood up. "You've got me."

Connor was sure of that. That was his solid ground and he knew he had it. Jude followed closely as Connor went to the door and opened it.

"Dad, hi!" Connor reached his hand out to shake his father's, knowing it was too formal and knowing that he still couldn't handle anything else. "How was the flight?"

"The flight was good," Adam answered. "Connor, this is Rachel."

Admittedly, she was not the woman that Connor had pictured. Though, when Connor pictured her, she was usually ten feet tall with a black hole for a face because he was that terrified of meeting her. Instead, Rachel was approximately five foot six, Chinese, heavyset, and incredibly pretty.

"Hi!" she said and her voice was high. "I've been really anxious to meet you."

"You too," Connor said, but he thought that the two of them meant anxious in a completely different way. "Why don't you come in? We have a few minutes before we should head over to Jude's parents."

He stood back and as soon as they had their shoes off, Connor remembered his manners. "Oh, and, um, this is Jude, my boyfriend."

Connor didn't take his eyes off Rachel's face as she leant forward to shake Jude's hand but she just seemed happy and pleasant. It seemed that Jude had been right. It seemed that he had been worried for absolutely no reason at all.

"I like how you've decorated."

"Thanks," Jude said. "I really like Christmas."

Connor hovered anxiously around his father. "What do you think?"

"I think it looks like a nice place." Adam looked around again and Connor tried to track where his eyes were going – the made bed, the two dressers, the plaid blanket that was rumpled at the end of the couch. "There's not a lot of room to yourself, though, is there?"

"No," Connor admitted. "I mean, we try. But, with classes and then with the amount Jude works, it's not like we're home together all day every day."

Adam looked over to Jude and Rachel. Jude was happily showing off his new Christmas blanket. "Why don't we go talk in the kitchen?"

Connor nodded. Jude looked comfortable enough chatting with Rachel and so Connor led Adam to the kitchen.

"I really liked the slow cooker, Dad. I've used it for a couple of chicken things but I made cinnamon rolls in it for Jude and I to have for breakfast this morning."

"I'm glad you liked it," Adam said. "I was struggling to think of what to get you but came up with nothing. Then, I thought of how you like to spend time in the kitchen and it was the one thing I knew that you didn't have."

"It was a good idea. And, thank you for Nick."

"I thought you would have more fun with him than I would."

"Jude and I have." Connor leant against the counter. "Um, can I … get you anything?"

He really didn't know how to host a guest at all, did he? He wondered how Jake dealt with his awkwardness so often but Jake was also just very comfortable in the spaces he was in. He had never been like Connor – afraid to search the cupboards or fetch his own glass of water. Adam was more like Connor, though Adam was just uncomfortable as opposed to afraid.

"No, thank you." Adam leant in a little closer to Connor and Connor tried not to fidget. "I just wanted to ask how this living together thing is working for you. Asking over the phone isn't exactly the same asking face to face. And, do you want to continue your room contract for the next term?

Connor nodded. "You know, it's better than I thought it would be. I thought the whole world would change but it's still just the world that I had. I was here so much anyway. I like it. I more than like it. It's like everything should be, being with him. I don't need my room anymore but thanks for offering."

"Well, I'm happy that you're happy," Adam said, "but know that you always have someone to call now."

"I know," Connor said, watching Jude smile, "but I won't need to call anyone. Not with Jude. He'd never … he'd never do that to me."

Connor watched his father's face as Adam turned to look at Jude. "Honestly, I don't think he would either."

Connor bit down on the inside of his cheeks, willing himself not to cry over the words. He managed a quiet, "Thanks, Dad."

"I really do just want you to be happy."

"I am. I really am."

Jude looked up at that moment and grinned at Connor. "Talking about me?"

"Only good things," Connor assured him and that just made Jude laugh. "We should go, though, we don't want to be late."

"Would you like to drive down with us or do you have your own car?" Rachel asked.

"We'll go down with you, if you'd like," Jude said. "Better to carpool, right?"

"Right," Adam said. "Well, let's get going. And, I don't think I said 'hello' properly, Jude."

Jude shrugged. "It's all right. Last time I saw you I was still drugged up in the hospital and I was probably the rude one then."

"I guess we'll both be considered forgiven."

Connor felt so relieved at their conversation, not even thinking to be jealous that he and Adam still had trouble achieving that easy back and forth. He was just glad that Adam could be so relaxed now. He and Jude quickly got their things together and took the walk up the hill.

"How long have you lived there?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, I've been there for a couple of years," Jude said, "but it wasn't until August that Connor was officially on the lease."

"I lived in a dorm room until then," Connor said, like he had faithfully spent all of his time in his room.

"It's a cute little place. You guys did a good job decorating."

"Thanks, it was mostly Jude's idea," Connor said.

They walked up to the SUV that Adam was renting and Jude opened the back door for Connor. He slid inside the cool exterior, making room for Jude. He gave into himself and took a seat in the middle so that he and Jude were sitting leg to leg. After they put their seatbelts on, Connor took Jude's hand. Jude squeezed him reassuringly. It was, Connor could admit, going better than expected. Once they started driving, Jude giving the occasional direction, Rachel turned around in the passenger seat.

"I was really happy to meet you both. I feel like I've been hearing about both of you since Adam and I started seeing each other."

"You talk about us, Dad?" Connor asked and he liked the thought of it but he almost couldn't picture it.

"Of course," Adam said, as if he should have been sure of it from the start. "I thought you knew that."

"Things are different when you really see them," Connor mused.

Rachel lit up. "That's wonderful."

"He's the smart one."

Connor couldn't take the praise and stared down at his knees, his heart jolting at the gentle movement of Jude's thumb against the back of his hand.

"How many people are going to your family's gathering, Jude?" Rachel asked.

"My mothers' names are Stef and Lena. My sister, Mariana. My two brothers, Jesus and Brandon. None of them have been dating anyone seriously enough to bring them home for Christmas dinner."

"And here you are, showing up with Connor's family." Rachel's dark eyes darted to Connor. "Not to imply that we're family or anything."

"It's all right."

"A little much for a first meeting," Rachel said.

"Maybe," Connor agreed, though he felt that he had known of her for so long that she had to count for something.

"Moms want a lot of people around this year so it works out for everyone," Jude commented.

"Oh, why?"

Connor didn't even have to glance at Jude to know how uncomfortable his boyfriend suddenly was. He leant forward a little, since the news seemed to be too big to deliver in a small car.

"His other sister died earlier this year." It seemed impossible that it had only been that year and that it hadn't even been a year yet.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jude."

"Thank you."

"How about I put some music on?" Rachel suggested. "What do you like?"

"Pop music is great," Connor said, knowing that, at the very least, pop music was more likely to make Jude smile than anything else.

When Rachel turned back around to fiddle with the radio, Connor turned into Jude, his hand resting against Jude's leg. Jude was staring out the window but he half turned his head to meet Connor's eyes. He could see the sadness in Jude's eyes, even though he was trying to smile at him. Connor bent his head down to rest his head against Jude's shoulder and Jude's head touched the top of his. Music filled the car and he heard Rachel mention something to Adam about the interesting colour of the house they drove by. Secure in the moment for their bubble, Connor just made himself a safe place for Jude to lean.

(-.-)

Connor kept himself busy in Stef's and Lena's kitchen. He wouldn't say that he was deliberately avoiding anyone – people were always in and out and it wasn't secluded from the living room. Mariana spent most of her time in with him and Rachel seemed to be a constant there. Connor was glad to be able to speak to her about recipes and cooking, something she also liked. He was glad that there was something for them to bond over. He looked up as Mariana came back in, Stef behind her.

"Connor, can I borrow you for a second?" Mariana asked.

"I guess so."

He rinsed his hands quickly, leaving the kitchen to Rachel and Stef. Mariana led him upstairs, where she had collected her brothers in Jude's old room.

"I found the Santa hats from last year," Mariana said, and Connor dimly remembered Jude sending him photos of such a thing. "Um, but we have an extra hat so I thought Connor could take one. I think we should wear them again."

Connor looked to Jude. He didn't mind wearing a hat – he was honoured to be included in the family moment – but he couldn't invite himself in.

"I can take Callie's hat," Jude said. "Connor can have mine."

Mariana smiled. "What do you guys think?"

"I can wear a Santa hat on Christmas," Brandon agreed.

"My hair looks good today and –"

"You don't get a say," Mariana said to Jesus.

"You asked –"

"Didn't care," she replied.

Connor found himself with a light blue hat in his hands. He waited until everyone else was pulling their hats on before he settled his on his head, the fur tickling his ears more than his hair did. He watched Jude pull a long brown hair from the side of his hat and he took a long blink before dropping it down onto the floor, standing up.

"Come on," Jude said. "We're probably missed."

Connor stepped into the hall, letting Brandon, Mariana, and Jesus walk by him. He caught Jude's hand.

"You okay?"

"Harder than I thought it would be. Moms are almost too put together, which is bothering me, but I get why, especially with Adam and Rachel here. Mariana's trying too hard and Jesus never says anything serious. I've never been able to read Brandon. I …" Jude sighed and shook his head. "I miss her. Christmas dinner will be good but it won't be _as good_ and I can't get that thought out of my head."

"I'm sorry," Connor murmured because he had no idea what else to say.

"It's okay, baby. I'm just happy you're around this year."

"Me too," Connor agreed.

Jude glanced at the stairs and then he just threw himself into Connor's arms. Connor hugged him tightly, paying no attention to the hum of voices coming from downstairs. He rubbed along Jude's back, kissing the top of his head. He was glad Jude wasn't crying but he wondered if Jude was just trying to hold that back. The pom-pom on Jude's hat brushed against Connor's hand.

"The yellow hat looks good on you."

That brought a smile to Jude's face, even though it was small as he leant away from Connor. "Thanks, baby."

He tilted his head to the side and Connor leant his head up to kiss him back. _Jingle Bells_ exploded loudly from the downstairs as Jude's lips met his and Connor heard Lena's shout to Jesus to turn it back down. The commotion didn't bother Jude at all and his hands rested against Connor's hips, pulling him closer. Connor wrapped his arms around Jude's neck, pressing himself into the warmth of Jude's long body. He was so caught up in the feel of Jude that he didn't notice anyone else's presence until Jesus's voice reached them.

"Jude, Mom says food's ready – Oh. Share the mistletoe, why don't you?!"

Jude pulled away from Connor. "Why, are you going to make out with Brandon?"

"Don't be disgusting," Jesus scoffed and Connor heard his footsteps retreat back down the stairs and he looked up to Jude's face.

"I love your eyes," Jude murmured. Connor had already started to smile back at him when Jude added, "And the rest of you. All of you."

"I love you too," Connor murmured. "Come on, Jesus said the food's done."

But his feet didn't move and Jude's didn't either. Connor knew the way Jude was looking at him. Jude's arm caught around his waist again and Connor leant against his shoulder, just standing with him. Connor listened to Jude's heart thud under his ear, waiting for Jude to gather the strength to walk down the stairs. Connor wanted to fidget, especially the more that he thought about his father in Jude's house, but he would stand like a rock until Jude made the first move.

"Hair," Jude warned and then Connor felt his hands softly in the back of his hair. Connor closed his eyes.

"Jude!" Stef shouted. "Connor!"

"That's our cue," Jude murmured.

"You like spending time with your family, don't forget," Connor said. "And it's only for a few more hours. Then, Rachel and Dad are going to drive us home and then we'll be able to just be you and me, there. Under your new comforter."

"You sound like me," Jude said.

"I should hope so. You being you helped me through things no one else could have. You are the best man I know."

"Don't make me come up there!" Stef called.

"We're coming!" Jude shouted but he just kept looking at Connor. "Thank you."

"It's why there's two of us, right?"

"Right," Jude confirmed.

Jude held tightly onto Connor's hand as he led the way down the stairs and they wedged themselves into the crowded family table. Adam was on Connor's other side, while Jude was boxed in by Mariana. To Connor's surprise, Adam was in a spirited conversation with Jesus about Jesus's high school wrestling career. It made Connor feel slightly less bad about leaving his father alone now that he knew Adam had found someone to talk to. Rachel, to Connor's surprise, was a raging fan of the WWE, even laughingly brushing off Brandon's questions about it being fake.

"Who cares? It's still _fun_."

The table was nearly bowed with the amount of food it took to feed all of them and dinner commenced with a lot of brushing of elbows. Connor was glad that he hadn't been taken to Christmas dinner with Jude last year. He wouldn't have been able to handle the simple amount of touching that went into sharing a table the size of the one that Stef and Lena had. He mostly kept quiet during dinner, even though Rachel kept trying to engage him in conversation. He put in the effort, even though he could feel his ability to be social draining away quickly. Jude had to work through this week and so it was going to mostly fall to Connor to play host to Adam and his girlfriend. Connor knew that was what he was signing up for from the moment Adam suggested they come to him if Connor wasn't going to be able to come home and so he didn't feel quite so bad about focusing on his mashed potatoes. He had days to get to know Rachel and from the way that Rachel and Adam acted, Connor was going to guess that it wasn't going to be the last time that he was going to see Rachel either.

Most of his conversation was wrapped up in Rachel and Lena, though Mariana occasionally burst in. Between discussing the end of term and Jude's upcoming graduation, to which Jude would snort about every time it was mentioned, dinner was able to pass slip by without incident. Jude even seemed more relaxed by the time that the meal was coming to a close. Connor could definitely appreciate the feeling of family that was dominating the holidays. He had loved the feeling of closeness to his mother last Christmas but with everything else that had been going on, the hotel room that he and his father had shared had ended up feeling cold more often than not. There was warmth in the way that Jesus and Mariana bickered and the parents just kept smiling at one another because, well, _kids_ , right?

Rachel helped him with the dishes, even though Stef and Lena insisted that she was the guest and they had plenty of their own kids who could still do house chores. She managed to shoot down their protests and so Connor ended up next to her, up to his elbows in soapy water while she took Jude's usual task of drying.

"You know," she said, "you're an adult."

Connor did, in fact, know that and so he just nodded with her words, thinking that she didn't need his sarcasm – something else he was sure he was getting from Jude.

"And, so, you probably don't need this speech in the same way you would if you were still a kid but I think I need to give it."

"Sure," Connor said, still not sure that he was following what she was saying. "I'm listening."

"I do love your dad. I don't know how much he's told you about us but it's a serious thing between us."

"He gave me that impression," Connor admitted.

"I know you lost your mom when you were a teenager."

Connor closed his eyes against the words, fighting back the flashbacks from that period.

"And, I know you went through some other hard things."

 _Mom's casket, his first kiss with Leigh while kids played on the baseball diamond, the first time he was hit_.

"Especially with what happened with you and Jude over the summer."

 _Leigh bringing the trunk down on Jude's head, Leigh filling his mouth, blood pouring from Jude._

"I know you've had a lot go on in your life and I'm not trying to say I expect you to talk about those things with me. I'm saying that I understand it can be hard for you to get close to people."

 _Waking up without Leigh for the first time, the first time he saw Jude before even knowing his name, breaking up with Jude and destroying both of their hearts._

"And I want you to know that I'm trying. I want to know you. I want you to know me. I think we could be friends, don't you?"

"Yeah, maybe," Connor stuttered breathlessly. He pulled the plug from the bottom of the sink, making sure there was no grime or anything left in the bottom of the sink. "Um, excuse me."

He fled from the room. He watched Jude's head turn to watch him half-sprint to the front door, finding his father on the front porch, on the phone. He closed the front door behind him, holding onto the handle in case Jude tried to follow him out, and he bounced on the tips of his toes. Adam held up one finger.

"Yeah, okay, I'll take care of it as soon as I get back. Yeah, okay, thanks. Bye." Adam quickly hung up. "Is something wrong?"

"I need to go home," Connor confessed. "This has been too much for me. I need to go home."

He was grateful that Adam understood him enough now to not question him.

"Okay. I'll tell everyone that I'm too tired from the flight. It won't be your fault at all."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Is there something you need to talk about?"

Connor shook his head. "I'm … overwhelmed."

He didn't want Adam to think he didn't like Rachel. If he was someone else – or, even, if he'd been feeling better when she'd talked about the same thing – he would have been fine. It seemed the stars ended up aligned against him, though, and he was always stuck in situations like this.

"It's okay. Let's go back in. We'll be in and out."

"Thanks," Connor repeated, and he followed his father into the house, where Adam immediately found Rachel and none too subtly asked if she was as tired from the flight as he was.

"It has been a long day," Rachel agreed.

When Jude came up beside him, Connor couldn't help but shy to the side.

"You okay, baby?" Jude whispered.

"Can we talk at home? I need … need silence for m-my thoughts."

Jude nodded and even though Connor saw Jude's fingers twitch toward him, Jude didn't actually reach out. Connor was grateful as Adam cleared a path for them to leave. The only thing Connor felt guilty about was that he couldn't even bring himself to give Lena the hug that he usually did, but he could see on her face that she understood more than she was voicing. When they got into the car, Connor slid over the far side of the car, leaving the middle wide open. As they drove back, Jude once again giving directions while Rachel searched around for a radio station, Connor couldn't keep his eyes off Jude. Jude knew it, too, and every so often, he'd pull a silly face, trying to get Connor to smile. It didn't quite work but it came close a time or too.

Connor nearly breathed an audible sigh of relief as the SUV pulled in behind Gerald.

"I'll call you in the morning, okay, Connor?"

"Sure, Dad. It was nice meeting you today, Rachel."

"You too. Tell your parents thanks again for having us, Jude."

"I will," Jude said. "See you again soon."

They slid from the car and headed down the hill. Jude walked close but not so close that they would accidentally touch. Connor didn't say anything until they were safe inside and he knew that the door was locked.

"Rachel just said some things that brought too much back," Connor admitted, turning his back on Jude as he said it, feeling ashamed that it was so simple. Simple and yet there was so much in his head that he couldn't look beyond it.

"Things like what?"

"Leigh. You. The bad stuff. Mom dying. Stuff that I can't breathe when I think about and Rachel was just trying to be nice, I know she was, but I … Just the things she said just made me think of all of these bad things and I couldn't see anything but the bad again." Connor took a deep breath, sinking onto the couch. He bent his head, hiding it in his hands, just so that he wouldn't have to face Jude. "I didn't know what to say or do. There wasn't anything."

"Baby, it's okay," Jude murmured. "It's not going to last forever and it was a pretty good afternoon, wasn't it?"

Connor managed a nod and Jude sat down next to him.

"Rachel seems nice."

"Yeah." The fear that Connor had wasted on Rachel had certainly not been worth it. She was going to be fine. "You could have stayed with your family."

"Nah, it was good but Mariana was going to go see her boyfriend and Jesus definitely wanted to go home. It was going to be almost time to head out anyway."

Connor wasn't comforted.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jude asked. "What's on your mind?"

Connor frowned. "I was so scared of you, the first time I saw you, before I even knew your name."

"Yeah?"

"You sat next to me and I didn't want anyone to. And you talked to me … Asked me if anything had happened in class yet, I think, and I was so scared that someone had just spoken to me. And then, you had me stuck in the row, and I couldn't figure out how to tell you that I wanted to get by you so I just sat and waited for you to get up and when you were gone, I think I was hoping I wouldn't see you again and that you wouldn't sit next to me again."

Jude just laughed. "Oops."

"I think that's what I want on my mind, out of everything, it's the best thing. Better than thinking of you in a hospital bed or anything. It's … Christmas. It's supposed to be good, isn't it?"

"Nothing has to be anything. I think people want things to be so good on Christmas that it just makes the bad stuff come out more."

Connor snaked his hand across the couch, picking up Jude's arm and sliding himself underneath of it. Jude held him close, his hand tubbing across Connor's bicep.

"Thanks for taking us to your family's Christmas."

"You are my family too," Jude said. "You belonged there with us."

Connor put his head down on Jude's shoulder, pulling his legs closer to his body. Jude draped the plaid blanket across the two of them.

"From the moment I first saw you, I couldn't stop thinking about you," Jude said.

"I know," Connor murmured. "After the first time we had lunch and really talked, I started looking for you everywhere."

Jude kissed the top of his head and then Connor leant back so that he could see all of Jude's face, staring into his dark brown eyes. Jude smiled slightly and Connor raised his hand to just very gently touch his jaw. Jude tilted his head down, looking like he might kiss Connor soon but wasn't about to do it now.

"What are you thinking right now?" Jude asked.

He was thinking that Jude always talked about his eyes but there was definitely warmth and goodness in Jude's that made them even more spectacular. He was thinking that there was nothing better than the way that Jude talked to him, the way that Jude understood him, the way that Jude was just so himself and how wonderful Jude really was. "I'm thinking that I love you."

"I don't think you've ever said that first."

Connor didn't think about that fact. He was just staring at Jude's smile, feeling better as Jude lit up. Being home, alone with his boyfriend, was what he had needed after hearing people and voices all day. He wrapped his hands in the front of Jude's shirt and pulled him closer. Jude fell into him and their lips met. Jude kept Connor close to him as he laid down on the couch, Connor atop him. Connor went to kiss him again but Jude rasped, "Baby, wait."

Connor almost sat back up as Jude fidgeted, reaching underneath of him to pull out the free-floating mistletoe. Connor smiled and picked it out of Jude's hand, holding it high above their heads.

"You know what?" Jude asked.

"What?"

"This makes me really excited for New Years' Eve with you."

The more Connor thought about the things that he was going to get with Jude, the more excited he became for them. He wanted the little bits of life that were surely going to fall into place for them but he was still scared enough of the change coming for them that he wasn't able to look too far. He thought that might be okay, though. It made him stay in the day that he was having with Jude instead of the day he might have with Jude.

"You know what?" Connor asked.

"What?"

"I'm just excited for Christmas Day Eve with you."

Jude laughed and reached up, pulling the mistletoe down closer to their heads. "I want everything with you, Connor."

The raw honesty in his voice raised goosebumps along Connor's arms and he wished that he could respond in the same way Jude could but Connor just didn't have it in him. Instead, he only softly kissed Jude's lips, only to have that fall apart when he felt energy zip through him at the beginning of Jude's kiss. He heard the mistletoe hit the ground but wasn't really aware of the fact that he'd let go of it at all. He got his arms around Jude and fell into him completely, thinking of nothing but the heat of Jude's hands along his waist and the feel of Jude's hands against his waist and the way that he kissed.

"For the record," Jude whispered, "I love you too."

But Connor knew that, had known it from the moment that Jude said it, even when he hadn't been able to accept it. He bent his head and kissed Jude again, secure, somehow, in the knowledge that he would always be able to do it, even if that was something that he wasn't ready to accept completely yet. Jude's hands tangled in his hair as they paused for breath and Connor just stared down at his face, thankful for all the things that he had in his life now, even though he hadn't been sure that he would ever be able to have something like Jude, ever.

Even though he hadn't met Jude at Christmas, Connor couldn't help but think that Jude himself was a Christmas miracle and all Connor could do was keep kissing him. At the end of the day, all Connor could do was love him.

 **Happy holidays, everyone!**

 **The chapter's title is after the song** _ **That's What I Want For Christmas**_ **by Nancy Williams. The playlist is now available on tumblr and youtube.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


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